Melanie Tonia Evans

The Dangers Of The Cerebral Narcissist And How To Avoid Them

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 6
64
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Today I want to talk to you about cerebral narcissists – the high-functioning variety.

In many ways an intelligent, successful, high-functioning narcissist may be among the most dangerous of all, because they are hard to detect.

This person may literally hide their personality disorder, from the world at large, for their entire life.

A high-functioning cerebral narcissist is very, very skilled at fitting in, getting people to like them, trust them, follow their orders and admire them. They are energetic, purpose drive and highly articulate and they are often in high positions of power.

Society congratulates success. In the corporate world, competitiveness and even exhibiting ruthlessness to succeed, is often acceptable behaviour.

Many, many people within the Community have been in relationship with narcissists who at some level are successful. Narcissists can be huge performers in their professional field, or a sporting capacity or something that is recognised by others, because this is a wonderful way to receive narcissistic supply.

My heart goes out to those of you who feel alone, and think you are going crazy in trying to separate, disengage from, heal and receive support in your recovery from this type of narcissist.

And, it is my greatest wish that this video will validate you, help you know that you are not crazy or alone, and grant you the inspiration and the strength to take a huge leap forward in your healing and the creation of the life that you do deserve

Please know, I totally understand what it is to be connected to an intelligent, charming individual who had everyone wrapped around their little finger – professionally and even socially.

Narcissist number 1 in my life committed unthinkable acts with deception and money to accumulate power.

And I felt sooooo alone…

But it doesn’t have to be that way for you … because now we have this incredible community – a supportive army of Thrivers to help support you – until you find your feet and start generating your amazing True Life.

I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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64 Thoughts on The Dangers Of The Cerebral Narcissist And How To Avoid Them
  • mariyaa@hotmail.com'
    Aminath
    August 21, 2017

    Totally what I experienced. I have been doing NARP since 2014 and it has changed my life and is still changing. Thriving means that anything that comes up you connect to your body and release it. Thank you Mel for this wonderful tool that we have for life now. If anyone is not sure if it will work for you sign up for a webinar and experience it.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 21, 2017

      Hi Aminath,

      I am so pleased you have come as far as you have.

      Thrive on Dear Sister!

      You are so welcome and it is a joy to share this journey with you.

      Mel xo

  • silverbronzedesk@aol.com'
    Kay
    August 21, 2017

    Fabulous information; yes, the cerebral narc is very insidious, indeed!
    connecting to your Heart center and Staying there will help you notice the red flags!

  • bshec22@gmail.com'
    Brenda
    August 21, 2017

    Wow, did that video speak to me!!! Thank you for all that you share Melanie. You are a true Godsend to me!

    I came across your information after my second horrible experience with a Narcissist. The first happened 15 years ago and I thought I had healed and learned so that it would never happen again. But they are not all the same. And this one was particularly irresistible to me. They were both cerebral N’s so this video was very helpful in explaining what I already suspected was my role in this.

    I’m working my way through the modules and have finally seen where my “N conditioning” comes from. My Mom. She is completely self-centered, has never “seen” me, is very proud of my achievements but could never connect with me emotionally. Although my Dad was emotionally more available and loved me, he enabled my Mom so we all were conditioned to “please” her. She’s very passive-aggressive — which both of these cerebral N’s were too.

    It’s frightening to me how ingrained in my subconscious this stuff is. When I do the modules it all points back to when I was about 5 years old. I remember “running away from home” (which meant packing a bag with crayons, coloring books and toys and hiding at the end of the street for the day) and talking to God and telling Him that I would always do my best to understand my children no matter what because I felt so not seen or understood. I’m realizing now that I was the one who knew what was and was not healthy behavior when I was 5.

    But the sad thing is that I didn’t know how ingrained this stuff was in me until after I got divorced at 37 and had terrible dating experiences. I’m 52 now and am thankful I’m finally feeling like I’m really going to heal this time and not attract these types any more. Thank you for giving me hope when I truly had none. I believe in love and believe the right guy is out there for me. Thanks to you, I will clean up my stuff so that I’m ready for him.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 21, 2017

      Hi Brenda,

      you are very welcome and I am so pleased I can help 🙂

      I am so pleased you re working with NARP to find and release and reprogram these traumas. It is so true when they are implanted within us our life is like a heat-seeking missile targeted on “more of the same”.

      I love that you are cleaning up and out – it will so create the space for a gorgeous guy to walk into!

      True love will be yours Brenda, I don’t doubt that for a moment.

      Mel xo

      • bshec22@gmail.com'
        Brenda
        August 22, 2017

        Thank you so much for your kind words Mel! And especially for your belief for me. It means a lot!!!

        xo
        Brenda

  • samantha.seager@outlook.com'
    Sam
    August 21, 2017

    Fantastic Mel, makes so much sense, as always.

    I absolutely see how I was seduced and attracted to the narcissists power and status and his position in a community that I desperately wanted to part of. So I see how I was also ‘using’ him on many levels and what his life had to offer me. It brought home to me that I have always gone into relationships for the wrong reasons, for getting my needs met and not really about the person. A very humbling realisation. And also, while I have had a successful career as an actress, it was all being driven by my need to seek approval, love and significance from an audience.

    Since this, I have turned away from my career and am taking a new path that feels much more in alignment with who I am now.. and still working with NARP as often as I can to set goals and I feel so much happier. I used to feel so anxious about my work, even when I got amazing jobs, I would go into anxiety because I now realise, on some levels, it was so out of alignment for me and if anything went wrong with the job, or I wasn’t very good in it…. it would kill me emotionally.. I now see I can use my talents in a way which adds real value, and one day, I think I may write a one person show which looks at recovery and thriving after N abuse.. it will have a lot of comedy in it and will give strong messages about 100% personal radical responsibiily! As you start to recover and become whole, and you look back, it all seems so crazy and you see your own disfunction, and unconsciousness.. and it is good to see the funny side of everything!

    Thank you again Mel for sharing these life changing insights with us all. I would still be stuck in my madness if I hadn’t found your resources.

    Much love and gratitude,

    Sam xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2017

      Hi Sam,

      I am so pleased this resonated with you!

      I love you honesty – I so relate!

      How gorgeous you are connected to heart mission for yourself and the collective now. I love the show that you are thinking of writing.

      You are so welcome Sam and I am so happy for you that you worked with NARP and have come out the other side as your True Self.

      Bless you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • alijones44@yahoo.co.uk'
    Alison Jones
    August 21, 2017

    Hi Mel
    This is my first engagement with you. I have been watching and reading for months now but today I have
    just wtched your video and it describes exactly where I am and the Narc I am with I now understand is a very
    dangerous and clever Cerebral Narcisisst.

    This weekend I realised I now need to take action and start healing my inner wounds. My mother walked out when I
    was four years old and my father was I now realise a Cerebral Narcisisst. I have been attracting ever since!!

    All I can say is thank you with all my heart for coming into my life and helping understand.

    Love Alison xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2017

      Hi Alison,

      I am so pleased you did post here.

      That is so wonderful that you are going to turn inwards and heal. It is the total solution … the only one.

      It’s my absolutely pleasure Alison.

      Wishing blessings and great healing for you.

      Mel xo

  • simms.r@att.net'
    Robert A. Simms, Jr.
    August 21, 2017

    Dear Mel,
    Thank you for your healing words and spirit and for your reaffirmation and validation of my own spirit. Somehow, learning about the world and about my own wounds is coming at the right time and pace. I am struck with the beauty of your words in making sense of things, and in the encouragement of finding my own purpose. I am loving life more than I ever have, these days, and have hopes for the future. I happen to live in a part of the country where success is very prevalent–monetary success, usually. My healing journey will include the trust element, and it has started already. Bless you, dear Mel. This is a life-changer, and gratitude, I have! Thank you, again, Mel.
    ♡&☮

  • mrphil123@hotmail.com'
    Phil
    August 21, 2017

    Thanks once again Mel, as far as I have come, for some of us we need to understand that they come in many different forms and can be under our noses from the beginning of our lives. This advice has helped me sort out the cognitive dissonance that has had me stuck within the fine line between loyalty and self protection.

  • sarahcraggs@tiscali.co.uk'
    Sarah
    August 21, 2017

    Thank you Mel for your continued wisdom and support. In today’s video it was as though you were talking directly to me! I have been separated from a cerebral N for about a year now, but it took me 24 years to do so! I recognise so clearly how much Narcissistic supply he gets from his ‘powerful’ position at work and equally the over giving, loss of confidence and codependent behaviours from my side.
    What helped me most was the final part around finding your own purpose/mission. I have really been struggling with this, yet realise I need to be patient and become my own mission first, concentrating on my own healing and a reimmergence of who I really am with the comfort of knowing that only then will the opportunities and truth for my future become clear.
    I know this to be true, as I already feel a sense of possibility in ways I haven’t for years.
    You are an absolute star Mel and I can’t thank you enough!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2017

      Hi Sarah,

      you are very welcome and I am glad this resonated with you.

      That is so wonderful that this has connected you to the spark inside to free your True Self.

      Mel xo

  • jennymcquilk@hotmail.com'
    jensie
    August 21, 2017

    Thank you Mel for your wonderful insight. The timing is amazing as i ran into my ex-a celebral narc -today and knew i had some moduling to do tonight. I feel like life is really trying to help me in my journey and it’s a great feeling.

    Thanks again. Jensie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2017

      Hi Jensie,

      how gorgeous that you know the truth that life is working “for” you and not “to” you.

      Bless you 🙂

      You are very welcome Jensie.

      Mel xo

      • jennymcquilk@hotmail.com'
        jensie
        August 22, 2017

        It’s beautiful that you respond to these posts.thank you x

  • jisacks@att.net'
    Julie
    August 21, 2017

    Mel, this was the most poignant blog for me. I feel as if you pinpointed my previous marriage, and you continue to clarify my ex’s mindset. I need these continual reminders as we co-parent. Explaining the three motivations of success were very valuable, as I need to reflect on my own motivations of success. I have followed you for three years now, and your work as contributed to my healing in a significant way. You must be aligned with your calling.
    Thank you always!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2017

      Hi Julie,

      I am so pleased the three motivations of success resonated with you. This can forth from you what you really want to generate.

      You are so welcome and I do feel so blessed to be aligned with my dharma!

      Mel xo

  • ian.mcgavin@sky.com'
    Ian
    August 21, 2017

    My father is and has always been a cerebral Narcissist I thought he would depart this world eventually and I would be able to pick up my life once he stopped keeping me away from people who could have helped me. I have also attracted a Narcissist relationship. I have not been able to expose their behaviour to anyone mainly because I hoped to move on without bringing them down. When I have tried to show others what these Narcs have done people don’t see it and it hasn’t helped me at all. I do seem to need somebody to see the problem. Someone who can open a door or way of escape.
    I never attract any such person. Escape opportunities in the past have not been recognised as such and therefore sabotaged. It is getting late now as I am 70 and my narc father 94 and still in a strong position by holding onto inheritance.
    My Question is should I really try to expose both him and my other narcissist in the hope that someone will see. No contact alone isn’t working.
    Surely they have both done enough damage to deserve exposure but it makes me feel treacherous. I also find it all rather embarrassing to talk about now. It is getting lonely now so to attract even one helper would be good. Thanks for your videos I have been trying your Quantum healing for a long time now. The subconscious damage particularly early life seems to rule.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2017

      Hi Ian,

      I truly believe that when we try to expose N’s from the position of feeling internal trauma and being stuck – all our actions only bring more of the trauma and being stuck.

      The most important thing is to heal our inner being and then if there is an action to make, we flow into doing that in an empowered way.

      Have you been working with the NARP Program Ian http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and if so are you in the NARP Member’s Forum for coaching and support http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member ?

      There are NARP Members at any age at all who have incredible breakthroughs. It is never too late.

      Mel xo

  • kerrylenehan1@gmail.com'
    Kerry
    August 21, 2017

    Wow, this is exactly the type of person I divorced. He spent almost 6 months in jail for contempt because of the scheming, lying and manipulation he put in place to avoid the divorce settlement agreement we both signed and agreed upon. What I find most challenging is co-parenting with him because he will continue to go to great lengths to bring me down and blame me. I wish I could have No Contact and not ever have to deal with or see him, ever. But we have 3 children together so he has to be part of my life, see him at our kids’ activities and events, etc. It is a constant struggle for me to maintain my sense of self and continue focusing on me and what I need to do to heal without letting him get to me. I know I’m on a good path, the right path, but it is certainly not easy. I’m so grateful I came across your blog and videos, Melanie. Great support.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2017

      Hi Kerry,

      please do know that in the difficult situation of coparenting, shifting internal triggers helps so much for you and your children.

      Have you ever been in one of my free webinar events? Because there you learn HOW to find and shift out the triggers that can affect you. That is when N’s lose power, and I am such an advocate for that with coparenting especially http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • Scoopanuts@aol.com'
    Ginnie gibson
    August 21, 2017

    Melanie the 2nd type, ego driven narcissist is my soon to be ex husband. And the entire video is spot on.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2017

      Hi Ginnie,

      I am so glad this resonated.

      Wishing you wonderful healing and many blessings.

      Mel xo

  • dtdefrino@gmail.com'
    Agata Oradei
    August 21, 2017

    Hi Melanie

    This is exactly it for me! I have gone through much pain and the awakening to healing and was ready to leave….when I was diagnosed with cancer in my mid 40s. I had awakened to live my dharma – but have to put it on hold.
    Now I have to get through treatment.
    My message is don’t see how much you can withstand before you decide to leave! And none of it was directly physical- all emotional and verbal – just as Melanie has described in this video.
    Thank you for showing me the truth about my life and myself Melanie. I am hopeful and strong.
    Agataagata

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2017

      Hi Agataagata,

      I so agree that the message to others – like you and I suffered, is don’t stay till the point where something seriously breaks for you physically.

      Agataagata I know you can heal 🙂 You are so welcome, you have got this! 🙂

      Sending you love, healing and blessings.

      Mel xo

  • pascalemartina@cs.com'
    Pascale
    August 22, 2017

    This is exactly the narcissist with whom I have to deal with. Thank you for your valuable video Melanie.

  • kvataja@yahoo.com'
    Kristiina McKenzie
    August 22, 2017

    I literally married a rockstar NPD. It’s going to be a long hard road extricating myself and my daughter from her stepfather. I kicked him out a month ago for hitting me. Already I have lost friends, and his record label is protecting him. We’ll see what happens when he has to appear in court in October for assault. Maybe it will be a wake up call for him. Maybe one of the conditions will be to deal with his drinking. All I can do is wait and see.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2017

      Hi Kristiina,

      that is great that you said “No” to that.

      Wishing you and your daughter strength, healing and breakthrough.

      Mel xo

  • clostman@live.com'
    Cami
    August 22, 2017

    Dear Melanie,
    I haven’t commented on the blog before, but I wanted to tell you how much I’ve appreciated your focus on healing the self. The NARP program was immensely helpful to me, and I’ve worked in therapy (with EMDR) toward healing and then installing the self-love necessary to “self partner.” Thank you for your contribution to my growth. The last thing you said in this video is that once we are self partnered and healed, our purpose will come through. I’m delighted now to be working with writers on completing their books (something I’m passionate about and gifted in). I would have never had the energy for this work if it wasn’t for getting free from co-depency. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2017

      Hi Cami,

      you are very welcome, and that is wonderful that you took the inside healing path for yourself.

      I love that your mission has emerged! How wonderful.

      Keep on being you!

      Mel xo

  • Tracy.edwards232@gmail.com'
    Tracy
    August 22, 2017

    Thank you for this Mel, I’m very confused as my ex is a high performer and loves all the attention that gives him. He has so many people under his spell it’s ridiculous. However he was also a sex addict using other woman from dating sites, hiring pornstar prostitutes etc, spending sprees getting in lots of debt, compulsive liar, narcissists rage regularly. So unclear on if was a Cerebral or somatic narcissist. I can completely relate to this video and it makes so much sense. I’ve come to terms with what happened to me over last few years but am keen to understand which type of narcissist he is.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2017

      Hi Tracy,

      its my pleasure and I so hope I can help.

      Please know Tracey many N’s are both. Both of mine were sex addicts as well as cerebral. It sounds like the same for you. Our healing Dear One is all about “self” there is no other place to tackle it.

      Have you come into one of my free webinars yet? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar That will put you powerfully on your way.

      Mel xo

  • martin.issima@hotmail.it'
    Lady Jedi
    August 22, 2017

    I loved this one!

    Yes, that was him. But what it was more familiar was your explanation about how we get with this type to be successful and shine “by proxy”. I have realized this for a while now. So many of my core fears about becoming successful are about not being “qualified” enough to have “access” to the “clubs” that grant opportunities. I was making an application today and I was shaking after I finished! The process of applying to get “chosen” is excruciating for me. This feeling of being left out from the good in life has been so intense my whole life, that I became addicted to long term relationship with “confident” men to access those good things “by proxy” (and to self avoid). I am glad that men are no longer my exit strategy but now I am battling the original issue and it manifests in my work life.
    So I’ve just started ES course module 1 journaling excercises!

    One question I’ve wanted to ask for ages, Mel. A lot of Narcissists in the music field, or science, or philosophy have achieved things that have advanced humanity for the better. How is that possible, if they are operating from a false self? I could make 1000 examples, but I’ll take the 1st one that comes to my mind…Obviously John Lennon changed the world for the better, inspiring positive change in people, however, he was abusive to his first family and often with his bandmates and I’ve read an interview where he completely disregarded his session musicians, saying that he is a superior genius and they are nothing. How can someone be so entitled and abusive and still leave a positive mark in the world?

    Sorry I am extremely curious to hear your opinion on this 🙂

    Love, LJ xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2017

      Hi LJ,

      I love your self-awareness and consciousness! So liberating!

      Great you are working with ES now after NARP.

      In answer to your question LJ all successful narcissist bring “up-level” to someone. An actor brings joy in cinemas to people, sporting heroes bring entertainment and teams together … surgeons save lives – the list goes on and on.

      But are THEY themselves durably at peace and fulfilled?

      That is the real question.

      Mel xo

  • agrex011@gmail.com'
    Lisa Agre
    August 22, 2017

    You’re videos are really validating and a rude awakening. I’ve been trying to go no contact with a narcissist, who admitted to also being a sex addict. Can’t trust him! Luckily he lives 2 hours away and today I finally didn’t respond and deleted his text message. I’ve known him for 6 months and felt like something’s not right and haven’t felt safe most of the time when I’ve spent time with him. I will keep watching your videos to learn how to detach and heal the inner traumas. I just want to be loved and accepeted, isn’t that our strongest human desire? Yet so hard to find? I am also trying to get into EMDR therapy. Thank you so much for your wisdom.

    Lisa Agre

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2017

      Hi Lisa,

      I am so pleased this helped.

      That’s great that you are detaching and healing you. The inner work is definitely where it is at and the love comes when we become solid and filled with love on the inside.

      Without internal trauma that is our natural state.

      Sending blessings and wishing you wonderful healing.

      Mel xo

  • mpienaar@terraafrica.co.za'
    Mariné
    August 22, 2017

    Hi Mel,

    Thanks so much for this video! This is exactly what I needed to hear/see. My story is so similar to yours…the clever girl that falls for the cerebral narcissist. I had two of these relationships in a row now and after the last one (who lasted a year and was by far the worst), I found you and NARP. As I went through the programme, I could not fully picture last ex as one of those reckless types. But now the picture is absolutely clear as well as the reasons for me being there. I have been making good progress with NARP but since Saturday I just slid back into all these painful emotions of rejection. I started looking deeply into myself about my issues with security, achievement and feeling safe and realised that I am suffering from a serious case of Imposter syndrome.

    I guess it is back to Module 1 of NARP now 🙂

    Love, MP

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 23, 2017

      Hi MP,

      you are very welcome.

      It is very normal Marine that we will make big progress, and then we are ready for the next level of deep primal core wounds to surface.

      It doesn’t mean we are going backwards at all, it just means its time to deeper meet them and shift them out and then we go up to the next level.

      The really important thing is to not let them seduce us into the metal analysis paralysis about them – but instead just continue to load them up and shift them out.

      Then we keep wonderfully evolving 🙂

      You’ve got this!

      Sending many blessings 🙂

      Mel xo

  • slsandborn@yahoo.com'
    Steve sandborn
    August 23, 2017

    I’m 62, living off small VETERAN disability pension. my ex wife 2 be became someone else 3 months ago instantly after I questioned her suspicious activities. I thought we would discuss and put it to rest. WRONG instantly accused me of to me unthinkable. never letting up, kicked me out , made me leave without all of my stuff saying it was hers that u was stealing. my old military dog tags included. I believe it’s time for me to do battle with her so she will return my stuff and quit smearing me. she post facebook lies like facts. also threatens me if I even share a public post on the subject of sociopaths narcissistic folks. also there is a police report of her attacking me using cords to choke me and said she wanted to kill me if she could get her knife. but I’ve been still in hopes a normal solution but now I know I can’t let myself care for her in any way of I am to get my stuff back. Im thinking I should have nashville look at the report to see if charges can be filed. it was reported as domestic abuse. she did lie to police and gave them doubt on my side of incident but also after police left I recorded her bragging about her lying and they believed her lies because she was such a good actress. I loved her so deep and wanted her to know love forever because she has had such a terrible hard life thru times and she was the only regular visitor when it looked like I was going to die any day for months. she gave me hope. I still cry tears for her but I don’t deserve what she done to me and only because I discovered so much deceit on her side. she said she was going to destroy me so nobody would listen to me. also she tried toput me in jail .she even try to trick me by giving me a blank check told me to pay my bill over phone with it. I’m glad I ripped it up . I want to review my plan of attack but I’d like to have one with more knowledge than I to help.

  • danfialkosky@yahoo.com'
    Dan Fialkosky
    August 23, 2017

    Thank you Melanie! I’ve been following you for a few months now and i’m glad I found you. My narc has finally divorced me after 30 years together. I was 17 when we first got together so I new no other relationship. She kept telling me I was the problem and without being in a normal relationship, I kind of believed her but deep down I didn’t feel like I did anything wrong. Also, most of her family would treat me badly as well. I think they are all damaged as well. She has swiftly moved on and had my replacement even before I got served divorce papers. There is so much to say after 30 years of this I could go one for days. After watching the video, I believe that she is a cerebral narcissist. She has gone around town and painted me as a raging alcoholic and she the innocent victim. The really sad part is that there are 3 sweet kids involved. They have witnessed their mother with this other man even before the divorce. They new before me from her phone texts. She seemed like she wanted them to read them, not locking her phone at all. They had even asked her not to bring this guy around right now as it makes them feel bad. Her response, “Cant I be happy!” Who guilt trips their children? I was only out of the house for 2 months at this point and felt so horrible for them. In the mean time, she has worn her mask in public as this sweet loving wonderful person! My kids are so smart though, they have asked me, “why does mom do that fake thing in public?” I’ll stop there. Makes my mind race when I think of it all. Like 5 weeks of the silent treatment, then she opens up and says, “at least the house has been peaceful!”. HAH!!! I realized deliberately With holding love and attention is abuse!! Sorry i’m venting to much!! Love to you!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 23, 2017

      Hi Dan,

      it’s my pleasure.

      Wishing you healing and relief Dan for you and your children.

      Mel xo

  • joy@pitmanbrighton.com'
    Joy
    August 24, 2017

    Thanks again for another gem of a video! I have problems also with my sister as we had a narcissistic mother and my sister has eneded up being a narcissistic but I have ended up being a codependent. My sister is exhaustingly competitive. she goes to the gym 6 times a weeks, I told her I was learning Spanish and she says its easy its just like French yadi yadi I mean the conversation was hardly a ball of fun. But When she was ranting on about stuff today, she used to have my full attention and because of what I have learnt from you I think I looked even bored at one point today and they pick up on this don’t they and I am convinced that unless you dance to their tune, they are cowards underneath and she started to behave almost embarrassed that I looked at her with a look like well I know what you saying is crap and I am not interested – it worked a treat! But I came away feeling sorry for her – not me! Is this normal?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 24, 2017

      Hi Joy,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      It is very normal for us to feel tied into doing the narcissist’s dance in some way. And often we do feel guilty. The more we heal ourselves the more we just show up as honest and authentic and it becomes more about that and less about doing what we believe other people want us to do.

      Mel xo

  • treenag10@gmail.com'
    RG
    August 24, 2017

    Good to know that this narc type is real- video hit buttons for me- especially bit about not exploding but plotting- in my experience narc is a sibling- and one that seemingly has everything- its very hard in one respect that people assume positive things about how family relations are so they assume the sibling has my back in all they do -I don’t experience that though at all though- sabotages all I do if finds out about it.

    – I have so often felt hamstrung to how to handle the narc tactics -I try get on with my own life and do things for greater good as that feels right for me- I try keep what I do to myself too -fear the flying monkeys etc – it can get very hard to keep my focus on the goodness in my soul Melanie when Im being surrounded by the narc troops- (probably co-dependency in me that my inner goodness is feeling challenge )
    – I listen to what you say and other people like Anthony R and know that keeping my focus on my purpose, the good and good in others, is all I actually can do- (want do too)
    ..I like how you don’t get caught up in working out a narc – good to be aware of their antics but great to keep a head focused on goodness in things- for me thinking about the narc and what doing next isn’t a good step- ironically ends up in with me caught up in the narcs stuff-
    Pleased I stopped to listen and process- thanks for this gift Melanie 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 25, 2017

      Hi RG,

      it truly, truly is about releasing our fear and pain regarding what others may or may not think or do.

      That is when they and “it”- that threat – loses all power over us.

      If we can’t do that – then there is internal trauma to clean up. This stuff (persecution from others) was huge for me until I did.

      Would you consider finding out how to directly address it RG? Because I show you how in my free workshop: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar That is how myself and so many of us in this Community cleaned up those codependency hooks for good.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • Pennylh@comcast.net'
    Loupe
    August 24, 2017

    Thank you for this insightful video Melanie. I have been thinking about what you said in this video over the last few days. Five months ago I left the cerebral narcissist I was in relationship with for three years. It was my second relationship with this type of narcissist but this last one was a gigantic wake-up call. The first couple of months with him were full of attentiveness, flowers, cards, niceties pleasantries and fun. He is a retired successful businessman and all the things you mentioned fit him to a t. The years I spent with this man almost did me in but by the grace of God I got out. I felt so much discouragement in the last six months of my time with him. I went from doing no wrong in the beginning to doing nothing right at the end. He loved the work I did in the beginning but had nothing but hatred for it in the end. He told me several months before I left that he wasn’t going to put up with things much longer and when I asked what that meant he told me he thought I would have been much more successful in my work by this point…In other words, I was a failure in his eyes. Having a meaningful conversation with him was non-existent but I kept trying and trying to get him to hear me…He had no true friends but had one who he liked to talk with occasionally and when we got together with this man & his wife, the ex-narc was all ears and eyes on him because in the narc’s words, he was a millionaire.
    When I am truly honest with myself I know that I admired the ex narc because it felt good to be accepted by a man who was so confident and accomplished. Not hallmark reasons to get into a relationship. I also believed all the false promises he made to me in the beginning feeling that he genuinely cared for me. I came to know him for who he was and it was shocking to learn that a human being was capable of doing and being the things he did and was.
    Your program has changed me and I am so very grateful to have found you and it. I have not yet hit module 5 because there has been so much to shift in the first 4 modules but I’m hoping to get to it this weekend. Thanks again for NARP.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 25, 2017

      Hi Loupe,

      It’s my pleasure 🙂 People who seem accomplished and solid absolutely can be so enticing! So many of us get it!

      I am so pleased you have been able to extract yourself out and that you are healing and coming through to the other side.

      You are very welcome regarding NARP Loupe and sending you much blessings, wonderful healing and love.

      Keep going you are doing a fabulous job 🙂

      Mel xo

  • tru.lux.pro@gmail.com'
    meri
    August 24, 2017

    Do you address neurodiversity versus narcissistic behavior at all? I find it interesting that in some capacity there is a seeming cross-over where asperger’s, as I have experienced it, lack (until made self-aware) a “natural” heart-center connection. Autism spectrum in general when I think about it can be seen as this kind of cerebral narc BUT the biggest difference I have noted is that in a calm space and with much respectful communication – cannot be overly emotional and must be clear and concise if possible – a conversation to manage conflict and problem solve can occur. So there is no gas-lighting, blame-shifting kind of verbalization. But man, can my husband take me “too literally” at times where we than get bogged down or side-tracked over to definitions of things in order to avoid miscommunication.

    I am not saying for someone to stay where there is abuse of one’s soul, just I was comforted to read books such as “Together Alone” to recognize that I am not the only flower to have learned to live in what may appear to some as an emotional dessert (huge key) by choice. Having shifted my focus to better self-care and dealing with my co-D “holes” , I am now feeling truly blessed to see the reality of the beauty of my “hybrid” family 🙂

    So I would offer up this post to hope that those with different wiring BUT big hearts AND a willingness to learn better how to express their feelings (as that to me was the real issue, the feelings are there, just not the “normal” way of expression) are not necessarily a dangerous cerebral narc. YES to your insight, Mel, I agree it is imperative to be truly connected to healthy inner being in order to spot the red-flags as needed on where best to work to shift 🙂

    peace to all as we process through trauma to true healing and actualized authenticity

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 25, 2017

      Hi Meri,

      my field really is abuse and healing ourselves to co-generate healthy relationships healthily with others. I totally agree that there are people with limited ability to connect who are not necessarily narcissists – who can be extremely challenging to be in relationship with.

      Yet, there is – with many of these people – a soul and a conscience and a desire to work in and improve and learn, and this is in stark contrast to the maliscious, cruel, inhumane behaviour that N’s exhibit when triggered.

      I also believe that there is “a lid for every pot”…. aware and conscious people, such as yourself, who can help those with limited social / communication skills to be more socially and personally capable of connecting with others – lovingly and effectively.

      I really enjoyed your post Meri 🙂

      Mel xo

  • altairehtcambata@gmail.com'
    Hannah Bailey
    August 25, 2017

    Melanie, you are such a channel of wisdom. I’m not sure how many other feel similarly, but I always get the sense that your videos address my questions and experiences at exactly the right time. My father is a cerebral narcissist with a terrible temper. During my youth, high school and college years I would depend on him completely for financial support, as many young people do, and felt like a slave to his toxic behaviour. I was also a co-dependent achiever, desperately seeking careers with illustrious organiations (for very little pay as I did not believe I deserved higher wages), in roles that did not feed my soul. Using your tools has allowed me to connect with and embody my true life’s calling, make a career shift, and I feel as though I will very soon be able to completely support myself and my dreams without tolerating any financial abuse! My soul is yearning for no-contact with my father, because as I step closer toward my own light and independence it seems he is relentlessly focussed on finding even more cruel and abusive ways of tearing down my sense of self-worth. No-contact seems very difficult at this stage due to a fear of not being able to attend family gatherings such as Christmas, or to safely see or contact my mother or siblings as due to the potential abusive consequences they might face from sustaining contact with me. Do you recommend any particular work I can do around this? And, is it possible for me to continue to attend family events and even maintain limited contact with my narcissist father without putting myself in danger? Perhaps another NARPer has some advice around this also. Lots and lots of love to all on this journey!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 25, 2017

      Hi Hannah,

      thank you for your lovely comment 🙂

      That is great you are in synch – I do think so many people are in the Community!

      I LOVE That you have ben working on your Inner Identity to make that shift Hannah – that is awesome! Truly Hannah exactly the fears you have named, just go in, load those up and release and shift them with Module Work – that is all there is to do with this!

      Then they won’t be there – and the outer will shift to match the inner. Our NARP work is never more complicated than that. And I would suggest generic (don’t fit into a Module description) shifting with the use of Mod 1 or Goal Setting Module – with the goal as “the resolution of this trauma” and then just release all until you get to a 10/10 on the goal.

      Shifting the fear of your father will mean absolutely you can attend – and if he becomes abusive you will take the action that honours you. But shifting all the fear (which is totally understandable) is imperative first.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      Then you will be aligned with the resolution.

  • Jean.fl@hotmail.com'
    Jean
    August 27, 2017

    Hi Melanie

    Im surviving reading your posts.currently suceeded in withdrawing from 22 years of antipsychotics after an adrenal and psychotic breakdown .i hold onto every word you say as im lost in my awakening that im the scapegoat…that all my family members are narcistic and that most of my life has been one big horror story.i know i sound like a victim.i struggle with self partering.i struggle to do the inner work.my outer world is a very daunting place right now.im scared to go inward but i have to ..i believe in your work.i just dont believe im worthy to heal.im so sorry if i sound like a victim but its the truth of where i am.stuck in the horror show of multiple narcisstic abusers and as a result have cptsd .i read your posts everyday.i wish i never was put on antipsychotics but on a positive its great to feel again and to navigate my own life.i have your programmes and i need to dive in more.i will.thank you so much for making sense of narcissim.jean

  • tereza.pultarova@gmail.com'
    Tereza
    August 30, 2017

    Hi Melanie, I totally love your work. Has been extremely helpful to me. Do you have some tips on how to stop handing over supply. I was discarded by a very covert and smart narc after a four year relationship. It was surreal since that guy spent 3.5 years of that time telling me how much he loved me, adored me, worshipped me, and that we were the match made in heaven. I didn’t understand how someone who loved me adored me and worshipped so much could just throw me out like some old piece of garbage. SO I kept coming for answers. I didn’t have a clue he was a narc. The mask only started slipping as I kept coming for the answers, it took me eight months after the discard to figure out he was a narc and overall almost two years to fully accept it and learn the whole truth. I am realising how much supply I was handing over. Tonnes. All sorts of supply. First by wanting to fix the relationship, wanting to work on it (he just loved it), then obviously telling him about him being a narc but still needing communication with him, needing to talk things out with him, being angry and giving him bullets to use against me etc. All sorts of supply and all because of my childhood wounding. I have gone a long way and NARP and your work has been a great source of guidance. I am just still aware of the fact that not just with this narc but other toxic people as well, I still have a tendency to hand over supply in the form of explaining, wanting to show them who they are, getting caught up in bickering etc. I was wondering whether you have any video or blog post on what to do when you catch yourself handing over supply. I don’t want to waste an ounce of my energy on any sort of toxic person anymore but I have to admit the hooks are still there and the ego is quite powerfully drawing me back into that even though I no it’s handing over supply.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 30, 2017

      Hi Tereza,

      the “how” we stop handing over supply is to heal the parts of us that were wounded in childhood that the narcisist is hitting – so that we become whole on the inside and are not trying to assign the narcisist any more as our source of love, approval, survival and security.

      It truly is an inside job, which means meeting those inner traumas that are being triggered (cauing you to hand over supply) in Module work each and every time they come up.

      That is the answer – it is not about logically understanding anything – it is about healing that internal trauma.

      Are you doing reglar NARP work when triggered and feeling powerless? And also Tereza are you in the NARP Forum getting assistance and guidance? That is where there is so much support for you: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      I so hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • mechols@sbcglobal.net'
    Michele
    September 5, 2017

    Wow, I feel as though, we have had a conversation and I told you details about my 25yr marriage. I realized, he was a narcissist several years ago. By profession, I’m a registered nurse, but mental health was beyond my scope of practice. I had no idea the depth or different levels involved. I’m so grateful to God, that I had friends concerned enough to send me this link. I’m so excited, to continue on to other videos and more reading. I’m so ready for healing and looking forward to having a real relationship, some day!!!!!!!!!!

  • Miha.511@Hotmail.com'
    Mimi
    September 21, 2017

    Hello dear Melanie, I’d really apreciate it if you’d take the time and read my story.I feel like I have to share my story and I love your deep analysis and understanding.
    I have recently gotten out of a relationship with a.. well I don’t know what he was.. I met him on Facebook in a point of my life where I was miserable I was recently out of a very short relationship with a player and was hating my job. So after that I met this guy, he claimed to have healing powers we talked for the first time on phone for long about my troubles he said that he never talks this long on phone but this time was different and he felt that god sent him to heal me. I so believed that. He said he meditates a lot he gives classes to people regarding meditation, energy, low of attraction and how to raise your vibrations.. etc. I admired him and thought he was out of this planet he said that he is one of only 6 people in the world that have 600+ energy level and that he was an avatar living in his own different timeline. He told me if i wanted to be healed to just listen to him and do what he is telling me because even I don’t know what he knows as I’m in a lower consciousness level. I was doing what he was asking me in everything and whenever I said no or why? He would be extremely angry and block me and I’d feel terrible for questionning him I’d cry and beg for him to come back. He insisted to know everything about my past relationships in order to heal me I told him everything, who i kissed and how why where etc he was very jealous and he said he wish if he had known me before anyone else to protect me. He was so sweet. He asked me to go to his home to heal me after one month of knowing each other, I’d never agree to that normally but I didn’t want to lose him at any cost I was like brain washed. At his home he was extremely romantic and nice he was meditating with me i felt like i was in heaven then he tried to have sex with me I told him I’m a virgin and it’s my decision to stay a virgin until I’m married he said we will agree and promise to marry each other and we need to live our future ahead of time in order to make it happen and thats how it is, and he promissed not to break my virginity. I agreed. We had sex but he couldn’t break my virginity but he thought he did. After that i felt that something is wrong my gut feeling was alarming me. Even my mom texted me out of the bloom to take care and stay close to God she didn’t know why she was feeling something about me. I told him what I’m feeling he was angry and blocked again and I again tried to get him back as I felt I couldn’t live without “my soulmate”. He told me that I’m wrong for listening to these ideas that are coming to my head I should never listen to any negative idea about us and it’s “the matrix” programming that’s holding me away from my happiness And he doesn’t want to deal with this in his perfect timelime that doesn’t have any of these bad ideas and feelings that I’m bringing to him. I apologised and promised to listen to him and ignore any bad idea. I felt prisoned that i can’t tell him what I’m feeling or thinking any time i would say no or ask why he would lash out and say “who do u think u are??” “I dont care if u want to leave i just wanted to heal you and direct you but u dont want whats best for u because of ur wrong mentality and stubbornness”. I told him i wanted to be with him without sex until we marry as it’s my religious and cultural value that I want to keep he blocked me again. I didn’t go back to him this time. I was praying and meditating a lot and felt relieved for the first time. I blocked him back and here where it started to get ugly. He asked why i blocked him and called many times and when I didn’t pick up he sent me a message if I don’t pick up he will tell my parents about everything as he has everything I said about my past relationships recorded. I didn’t reply he showed up at my work place he said he loves me and part of his soul is missing when I’m not there and he will kill himself or bang his head against the wall if I don’t agree to give him a chance. I agreed and then he called later asking me to go to his home i rejected because I don’t want sex and he insists to have sex. Then we talked in his car he talked for hours trying to convince me to have sex and he said he will do whatever i want and that he loved me and that he never meant to threaten it was just because he was sad. Then I asked to see his phone as he before took my phone by force and read all the texts and asked me to block and delete any guy. Then this time i asked to see his phone just how he did before, he refused and was so nervous and asked to see mine as he somehow understood that I’m asking to see his phone because I’m hiding something in mine. I refused and then he took it again by force and when i tried to hold it away from him he pressed his car key very hard in my hand to hurt me and make me let go of my phone then he took it and i took his credit card, he held his car keys in my face in a threatening way i was scared he would stab me. For my good luck or should I say God’s protection, a security car came by and I called for help and i only asked my phone back he gave it to me then i left him with the security and walked home fast. The security left he came running after me asking me to go back to his car and drive me home i refused. He spit on my face and left. I kept walking hoping to reach home safely he came back running apologising that he never wanted to spit on me but it’s my fault for telling the security and treating him like a stranger. He held my jand and asked me to forgive him and didn’t let me to continue waking home he said i have to chose now either walk away and lose all his love, care, healing and happiness that he would provide me or stay with him and have it all. And he said be sure if u choose to walk away I’ll never leave u alone. I walked away. Now I’m still have bruises on my body. I feel bad for him I still sometimes think that he loved me and I could have made it work.. Did he really love me? Narcissist? Obsessed lover? Psychopath? I don’t know what to feel sometimes I feel like a winner and a survivor. And sometimes I remember my love for him and his sweetness and romance and miss him and hope for him to get help.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      September 22, 2017

      Hi Mimi,

      Thank you for sharing your story. I always am very wary of anyone making such lofty claims STRAIGHT away. Even if someone did feel a calling to heal another, I would imagine a very healthy thing (not to freak them out) would be to express this much further down the track of the relationship. That would be the mature, healthy thing to do rather than love-bomb.

      I am so sorry this has happened to you, and yet when we are caught up in insane behaviour with people who we want to love – and have love us – Mimi it is such a call to heal and start loving ourselves.

      I really don’t have to tell you that this man is not only drastically unhealthy, he is also pathologically grandiose, violent and dangerous.

      He is willing to harm you emotionally, mentally and physically and throw you under a bus to control you and get his own way.

      That is never loving.

      Mimi, please come into my free webinar and start working out and healing what it is that you need to, regarding this experience, or truly there are no happy endings here.

      Also Mimi, if we don’t take the self-reflected healing lesson (This is always about “us” not them), then the wakeup calls need to come to get our attention. The pain will be over when you turn inwards and heal.

      I hope this has helped.

      Mel xo

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