[breadcrumb]

 

I know we all hear time and time again how you should just leave, create No Contact and THEN start healing.  I agree that No Contact and leaving before trying to heal is often the best way to recover.

Yet, maybe you just can’t do that – because of children, a combined business, or you don’t have anywhere to go yet.

Or maybe, and this reason is a big reason, you know you don’t have the resources, strength, or emotional capacity to do it yet, and you simply may be too traumatised, addicted, hooked and or frightened to let go.

In narcissistic relationships, we are not done until we are done. We are often only ready to leave when the trauma of staying becomes more significant than the trauma of leaving.

However, another way to leave is when we heal enough that we are not emotionally enmeshed with him or her anymore and feel empowered and confident enough to go.

I tried to leave narcissistic number one so many times in all the wrong ways. I hadn’t worked on myself and was drastically unhealed. Therefore I paid a horrible price time and time again.

It was traumatic beyond measure- I was in and out of courtrooms and psychologist appointments, put intervention orders on, took them off, and all and sundry lost faith in me completely.

I truly lost all faith in myself.

In stark contrast, because I was dedicated to the inner work with narcissist number two, I left cleanly and suffered minimum fallout. Since then, I have helped so many people stuck with narcissists do the same.

Suppose you are with a narcissist and don’t know how you can or leave and heal. I am going to help you in this video understand how absolutely you can do the work on yourself, as well set up the leaving and reigniting of your life in the most powerful and least stressful ways possible.

 

Transcript

Hi, and welcome to Thriver TV, the place to break free from narcissistic abuse with Quantum Tools and Understandings. If you have not yet subscribed to my YouTube channel, please do so, and I’d love for you to share my work with others who need it.

So about today’s Thriver TV show, so many people ask me this question. It stands to reason because so many people in abuse forums state categorically that you have to go no contact with a narcissist to get free from them.

Yes, no contact and leaving is the best way to heal. Absolutely. But sometimes we can’t do that because of children or maybe a combined business or we don’t have anywhere to go yet.

It can be all of those things or maybe, which is a big reason, we know we don’t have the resources, strength, or emotional capacity to do it yet. We may be too traumatised, addicted, hooked or frightened to let go.

If this is you, I’m going to help you in this video understand how you can do the work on yourself while still stuck with the narcissist, as well as how you can set up the leaving and the realigning and the reigniting of your life in the most powerful and least traumatic ways possible.

In narcissistic relationships, we are not done until we are done, and there are two ways to be done.

The first is when the trauma of staying becomes bigger than the trauma of leaving.

The second is when we heal enough on the inside that we are just not a match for them anymore, and we feel empowered and confident enough to go. If lucky, we’ve lost all the connection and bond with them and may even feel distant from them. Then we need to be strategic in leaving to minimise the fallout that often happens with a narcissist.

 

Doing The Work On Yourself While With a Narcissist

Those of you wanting to remain in a relationship with a narcissist may be thinking, but you are still talking about leaving. “Can’t I heal myself, stay with a narcissist, and be okay?”

Maybe your internal question is, “If I heal, can I somehow manage this person’s narcissism and minimise it and have a functional life?”

In my honest, humble opinion, my answer is no, you can’t.

None of us can remain with narcissists without selling our souls. I’m talking about leaving because I don’t believe there is an upside to staying with a narcissist because it goes against our truth. It’s living a lie, limited and dependent and going against the reality of our true self of having peace, love, and freedom.

Why would we do this at any age where there is a way to not only heal beyond this but extend into a life that is flourished, nourished, and supported no matter what our previous circumstances have been?

I get it. I know that so many of you, just as I once did, felt that leaving was impossible and that there was no way to survive or restart our life if we did that. I promise you, I have seen what happens to people after narcissistic abuse and what becomes possible. I was told I would never function normally again because of my breakdown. I was supposedly unable to rebuild my life, but I did.

Likewise, I know of Thrivers in this community who have been unemployed for decades, even those who were past what is known as an employable age, who have gone forth after narcissistic abuse and are now living incredible self-generative, abundant lives.

Our life is not linear. It goes beyond logic and transcends to this: When we listen to our soul’s truth, and it becomes our highest priority to honour our inner being and what is or isn’t healthy and supportive, we become authentic selves.

That is when life starts supporting us beyond our previous existence, regardless of the circumstances.

Everything we need comes when we become aligned with our inner truth unconditionally. During narcissistic abuse we are totally out of alignment and we choose to have our souls hurt this way, therefore everything starts breaking down, including our well-being, finances, and happiness, regardless of how dependent we are on staying.

The things we stay for are not happy or healthy anyway. We may also believe that remaining until our children are grown and leave, is the right thing to do. Again, the evidence is overwhelming that our children are learning how to live healthier lives when they see us honouring our souls and release our survival beliefs.

We can teach our children, through our example, how to honour themselves and how they can generate their truths rather than handing away their power to abusive people. If we don’t teach them this, we’re simply setting up future generations of suffering.

So leaving the narcissist is my focus, and I truly believe it is one of the healthiest ways that is in your power.

When we have healed enough to be emotionally detached from the narcissist, we can make decisions that are in our best interest and not be manipulated into staying in the relationship. We can protect ourselves from the pain and suffering that often comes when we try to leave as a knee-jerk reaction.

I tried to leave my first narcissist so often in the wrong ways because I hadn’t worked on myself. I was drastically unhealed and paid a horrible price time and time again.

In stark contrast, because I was dedicated to the inner work with narcissist number two, I left cleanly and suffered minimum fallout.

With narcissist number one, it was traumatic beyond measure. I was in an out of courtrooms and psychologist’s appointments. I put intervention orders on and took them off frequently.

All in sundry lost faith in me completely. I lost all confidence in myself.

When people ask, “Do I have to leave before healing myself?”

My answer is no. You can stay and work on yourself first if you still need time to get ready. I’ve seen many Thrivers in the NARP program succeed in this way.

Please don’t use this as an excuse to stay and remain attached with a justification like, “I’ll work on myself and see if this improves. If not, I’ll leave.”

Truly, your motivation and complete intention need to be this: “I’m healing myself enough to get strong enough to leave.” Otherwise, you need to do the real work.

Nothing good ever comes with a narcissist when you are hedging your bets. Having a foot in either camp and trying to tread water doesn’t work.

Detaching And Setting Boundaries

The people who succeed in working on themselves pull back from the narcissist. They focus on doing the work deeply inside themselves. They gain strength and power and start getting their ducks all in a row.

This allows them to leave as impervious as possible in the most powerful, authentic way to the narcissist’s tricks. When we shore up our original wounds and weaknesses that the narcissist could hook us through, they have very limited ways to bring us down or back in.

So what does healing look like when still attached to a narcissist? It starts with detachment. We stop looking at the narcissists, trying to get them to be the source of everything they are not solidly providing us.

Love, of course, is the first one. Narcissists do not love safely or healthily; they love abusively with conditions and cruel behaviour.

Approval is another. Narcissists will always raise the bar and change the rules to get you to twist into more and more shapes to try and appease a false self that can never be pleased.

Security is something that a narcissist is always threatening or controlling you with and survival. How many of us have felt that we can barely survive the relationship or life due to being with a narcissist? All of us, really.

We stop holding this person responsible for these things, and we get very interested in finding and healing these parts within us that are not allowing us to be a source of these things to ourselves and are still trying to hold a false self-responsible.

So the more we detach, the less hooked we feel. It becomes less and less about what they aren’t doing and more and more about what we are or aren’t doing, which starts bringing the power back inside us. Then we start laying boundaries.

We start doing what we want and what feels right regardless of the narcissist and their threats. We lose the fear about all of that. We start taking our power back.

The narcissist may try all sorts of things to get their hold back on you, such as hurting you in some way with their actions, withholding money from you, abusing you, triangulating you, threatening you, or smearing you.

If we keep detaching and healing every trigger inside us, rather than trying to control or stop their behaviour, we notice that the narcissist loses power. They need to get their payoff, and they’re not getting our fear anymore that feeds them like blood to a shark.

They need to take their anger elsewhere to get a rise, to get a reaction from someone else. They leave us alone when they don’t get a narcissistic supply anymore.

Of course, that may bring up stuff for us, and we need to shift that too. The fact that they’ve started detaching and ignoring us brings up our wounds of not feeling important or abandoned.  They may go elsewhere for drama and energy. Still, we just keep shifting and shifting out whatever trauma arises, finding more and more of the original wounds that fascinate us and make so much sense as to why we got stuck unconsciously with a narcissist in the first place.

All of that, in effect, is a wonderful training, practice and a self-healing necessity to prepare you for when you physically leave. You are already energetically going by working on yourself while you’re still there. Because when you do leave, the narcissist is likely to pull a whole heap of dirty moves to punish you or force you to play under their hands again.

 

 

The Total Winning Formula

Detach, and release, with the use of the NARP program, all of the wounds that get triggered.  Then you will be able to act with self-honour, truth, and solid maturity. Which includes seeking authorities or police to assist if necessary, such as if the narcissist violates you with violence or threats.

People will listen to you if you’re calm and centred in your body rather than traumatised, victimised and fragmented. They will take you seriously, and you’ll honour and back yourself without the previous traumatised, victimised reactions.

You’re going to see a huge difference, and you’ll start to see the narcissist crumble.  Then, you can plan how to physically leave without leaving gaps for abuse and start generating that reality for yourself.

Then when you’ve got all of that in place, you can leave.  I have seen the results of the people who’ve worked on themselves before leaving, who have narcissists defeated- which means granting no energy or narcissistic supply.

They’ve even been narcissists who’ve capitulated after their previous victims have left and have given them what they want to get out of their lives. Empowered people can no longer be hooked and used for narcissistic supply shine like a bright light onto vampires making narcissists recoil. A narcissist will leave that person’s life as quickly as possible.

Conclusion

A narcissist will do whatever it takes to leave, which is far from what happens if you stay hooked, resentful, and in trauma when the toxic connection, trauma, and struggle remain. So always, always, it gets back to this.

Our greatest mission is to work on our inner being as quickly and release whatever gets triggered. Rather than looking outside and trying to combat it, we come inside and heal it. The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) is my highest suggestion if you want to win this battle.

The healing premise is the same whether we stay or leave at the start.

If this has helped to give you hope if you are still deciding whether to leave, scroll down and leave your comment. Let’s have a conversation.

Until the next video, keep healing, keep smiling, and keep thriving because there is nothing else to do.

Lots of love. Bye-bye.

 

Join My FREE 16-Day Recovery Course to Begin
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

Related blog post

Thriver Talks Special: Healing Financial Prosperity After Abuse

Read More

Repetitive Compulsion Disorder and Abuse

Read More

Commments (64) + Leave a comments

64 thoughts on “Can You Heal While You Are Still With A Narcissist?

  1. Thank you! I’m currently working on my inner healing in preparation for leaving. I have 8 months for my lease with the narc ends and I can’t wait… I saw a message from a woman come into his inbox today where she was undressing and playing with herself according to her in response of a picture he sent her of his genitals. I feel like I’m really starting to heal thanks to your videos… the old me would’ve probably been so hurt that I would’ve confronted immediately… now I feel like I’m just using the knowledge as inspiration to keep healing and looking at him as a SICK man! I now look at this woman (one of a few) as just another toy and supplier to him. I almost feel bad for her… almost. I still need a lot more healing because i did feel some pain… I know I’ll be ok though. Thanks again! Ki

    1. Hi Kiki,

      you are very welcome.

      That is wonderful that you are working on you 🙂

      That’s great Kiki that you have come this far. Just keep locating and releasing the triggers and you will get out in the best way possible.

      Wishing you amazing blessings 🙂 You are doing a fantastic job.

      Mel xo

      1. Thank you so much for the work you do. I divorced my narc of 33 years. I didn’t have a name for his horrible treatment of me until I ran across your website. I am now feeling numb. I now realize that my co dependence and fear of abonment kept me in that abusive relationship. This has led to a horrific depression. I now live with my daughter and her family. I feel so guilty living here. I am penniless and too depressed to get a job. I know I have to move on and heal. But I’m feel so much shame. I am 60 years old with no job skills. I read your article about older women having the courage to leave their abuser and I think you for that.
        The good news is that I’m 200 miles away from him. However, we have two daughters and grandchildren so I can’t avoid seeing him on family occasions.

        1. Hi Faye,

          please know you are very welcome 🙂

          Dear Lady please know what you are going throygh is so normal – even though of ocurse it feels incredibly crippling.

          Faye I can’t urge you enough to come into my free webinar and start working through the energtic de-tox of the trauma – it helps SO mcuh with the healing and the breaking through into you true and new life … which I promise you awaits if you do the inner work.

          As I say in my videos – “What else is there to do”.

          Please let this Community hold you hand and heart further https://www.melanietonaevans.com/freewebinar

          Mel xo

    2. I need help healing myself while still with a Narc. I tried to leave him but just couldn’t do it anymore. Please help.

  2. Do you have any tips for breaking the ‘love’ attachment? Its so damn deep and it sucks because I just want it to be ok. I know its not and it never will be. But I have held onto this hope for so long, that its hard to move through.

  3. I started healing while I was with my narc. It really frustrated her that she could no longer control me. She tried pulling even bigger problems to get me to be her flying monkey. She called the police on me because I refused to get rid of the compost pile in the garden. Needless to say it really made her look silly to the police. I started asking her, well not asking but telling her to stop doing certain behaviors and that really got her upset. Asking her to allow me to read a book drove her to start beating herself, screaming and weeping and falling on her knees. She then insisted I run her to the ER, which I refused to do and me telling her she is is crazy. Believe it or not for a decade I was not able to read more than a single paragraph without her interference and finding something for me to do.

    Looking back, it’s best to leave and heal as healing means boundaries are being built and narcs can’t stand that and they will make more hell and drama. I was staying because we had children and that was the only reason. I should have left anyway as she turned them against me and each other anyway.

    My word of advice GET OUT NOW, no contact and if contact is necessary do not tell her anything other than “I’m picking up the kids at ______time”.

  4. Wow Melanie, so powerful and helpful. I’ve already left the narcissist and I feel strong but sometimes I was doubting if I have done it the right way for my children. In this video you’re telling my history and now it feels finally I did it the right way. Thank you so much.

  5. I have been in a relationship with a narc for three years living together and I started doing the healings back in May 2017. I want to leave and plan to leave but it my case I feel like it is so hard, not because I want to be with him, but because I am living abroad in another country, his country, and I am very vulnerable and scared with no family or friends to support me or have an escape to go to. I feel completely trapped and he deffinately uses it to his advatage because he knows I have no where to go or have anyone who will help or defend me as I have wanted to leave several times but never follow through. I guess I will continue to do the healings until I feel confident and with strength to leave. I always second myself, have obsessive thoughts daily about staying or leaving,
    and get scared.

    1. Hi Ashley,

      please know it is so normal to have those confusing feelings about going or staying. What may really help you is to work with NARP to locate and release the traumas within you that are creating the “attachment” part of it. Because once you heal from these you will feel so much stronger and more confident about leaving.

      Also, are you in the NARP Forum to remove support and coaching to help you Ashley? I would really recommend doing that https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Mel xo

    2. Ashley.. your thoughts are not obsessive… They are keeping you alive. Keeping the possibility open.. thats good.. one day you will make it.. I believe in you… In hindsight i regret that i did not leave small items and evidences that i could collect when i fanally was out and safe…Just in case this can help you… It would have been easier for me when i first left if i had done this… Just saying to the folks.. I will collect this later (with a wink in your eye, no mor explanation needed, if you do not feel like giving it) I did it twice… It would have sowed seeds of inspiration goal and hope in me if i had done it more… we learn as long as we live.

  6. i can validate this entire video. In March when I was at my wits end I was trapped, financially unable and feeling defeated but I stumbled upon this program. I have done some of the work (as time allowed) but listened to all the weekly videos. It was enough for me… Not a complete healing but a reinforcing of self worth and backbone. I do the healing module a lot. This past week I finally moved the Narc out and started a new job. Weak, wobbly but I know with the help of NARP, the fantastic support and guidance it gives as well as the super supportive staff I’ll get my stability back in no time. Mel- Thank YOU! I am looking forward to finally having time and space to heal and reinforce MY WHO I AM. And moving forward thriving in my own authenticity. As much as I wish I could have dived rght in back in March I DO know that any healing at all helps one to focus, detach and move forward. I am grateful that your resources were there for me and I look forward to fully utilizing them now that I am able. Special thanks to Claire as well. Now, on to THRIVING!

  7. Thanks for this.
    My situation is that I:
    1) came out of denial at 43 years old and realized what my parents had been doing to me – and still were doing to me
    2) it took me about a year to work through the GUILT of leaving
    3) was ready to and wanted to leave finally – no second thoughts
    4) was betrayed by my AA sponsor and suffered abuse from her and everyone else around me which left me traumatized and unable to earn a living or sleep and developed a lot of physical illness

    So I remain stuck, depending on horrible Section 8 narcissist who are all untreated people, narcissist landlords, and without any money still am physically sicker than ever due to Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome and mold allergies, thyroid condition, abdominal distension, hair loss, exhaustion…

    My spiritual work showed me that my solution is to speak up, and I truly believe I am at the end, and if I spoke up about this and confronted certain people (handling what comes up), I would be healthy again – and free.

    My parents are very well thought of and have eons of awards in their houseS and my father has a long career of being a politician. He is worshipped. He had also been stuck in a marriage for over 50 years that he hates, and has become very codependent with my mother, the main narcissist, and just as abusive as her, because he’s given up.

    I was told at 13 that “everything going on in this house is all your fault”, and I was forced to accept that, and many people along the years have cole in to validate that, and that I am the “problem” or “bad one” (scapegoat) in my society here, as well…when really I have more compassion and potential than all the people who are saying that.
    When I got well 7 years ago after much hard work, people (including my family) saw what that looked like, and they were literally disgusted.

    I really feel if I took to my FB page and concisely stated with no opinions some of what had happened, the friends I have who know me would be proud of me, and those who don’t like it will see I will say something.

    It would also give some people the consequences they need to grow.

    And I’d be free. I’d be able to sleep.

    I feel I should get out of here, to another state directly afterwards, literally just get on a bus and go. I was told that when everyone’s acting like that, sometimes it’s better to move on. My state is a mess anyway.

    I use a different name here for anonymitys sake.

    1. Hi Susan,

      you are very welcome.

      I am so sorry you have been through such a painful journey.

      Yes absolutely it is empowering to speak up, and the key is that if we are attached to anyone “getting it” then we may be let down – or even traumatised again. Speaking up can only be – when healthy – about us walking our truth regardless of what anyone else does or doesn’t do with that.

      It doesn’t necessarily lead other people into consequences or growth – that is something we have absolutely no control over. The only control we have is the healing of the choices of our own life.

      To me that is always about releasing our inner trauma.

      I wish you healing and relief Susan.

      Sending blessings.

      Mel xo

  8. After a more than two decade marriage with a large number of children it was well past time time to throw in the towel. I had little to go on, not much work experience after having been a stay at home mom, no family in the country where I live and little support even from afar anyway. After he got engaged less than a year after divorce (which he also stalled and footdragged about for a while but never once said I love you, I need you etc.) r I remember some casual acquaintance telling me, ” Oh good, now you won’t have to worry about him in his old age.” A therapist said something similar a few years down the road. I was appalled! Are they mad? Does any one ever ask who ‘s going to look after ME? Everyone clamored around HIM to spread the safety net while I had to go it alone in a place that is very conservative and family oreinted, women alone don’t have a leg to stand on.What would I or should I have cared- he was surrounded by extended family ,work mates, plus 9 out of 10 of our mutual friends sided with him with no reason I can fathom. Was I nothing once we split? Had I no identity, personality of my own??.Still plagues me today over ten years later. I had the courage to get up and go put an end to his covert narcissism, yet have taken so much flack and still floundering, financailly, emotionally and socially cause I feel I have been excommunicated. My grown kids have also shown me their preference to some extent. Nobody really knows what went on, I hid behind the facade for years. He didn’t miss a beat, stayed in same community,etc, just a different horse, who by the way they’ve all embraced. I meanwhile left the town I liked, upped and moved to another city and have not been able to establish a social life.It is much harder to break in after 50 and the mainstream isn’t really open to divorcees. I’ve exhausted being with other women and or going to activities solo, so have pretty much turned into a loner which is a shame since I have an outgoing, friendly personality.

    Long before I’d ever heard of narcissistic abuse I adopted no contact which I think really floored him and bothers my kids too, who don’t get why it is necessary ,why we did not remain ‘friends’. How can I ever tell them the way I suffered? I can’t trash him to their faces. I sure would never have chosen him for a father had I known he was a narc. They are all adults, they see him with wifey while they see me still alone, trying the dating scene which has been horrrendous, what don’t they understand?

    As an aside, Melanie, I may be viisting Melbourne in mid Decemeber 2017. Any chance we could meet? You have my email.

    1. Hi Pam,

      Please know when we heal on the inside we start being able to generate a different possibility for ourself, at any age, regardless of what we believe the outer environment is like – or any other perceived limitations.

      And that is our trip after narcissistic abuse, to become a self generative force and realise that that is available to us.

      Also we lose the attachment to trying to get people to “get it”, because we feel validated and whole and past were you are still feeling now – which by the way I deeply emphasise with because this is so common with how we feel after being narcissistically abused – we all went through it to varying extents.

      Pam thank you for the offer to meet but I am travelling for a great deal of December.

      Pam I would love you to come into my free webinar and consider NARP – https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar because I promise there is a deep and powerful way to get unstuck and truly feel different and start creating the life you do want to live and love.

      https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope this helps Dear Lady – you deserve to be out of the pain – we all do.

      Mel xo

      1. Thanks Melanie for taking the time to devote to that very warm, kind reply. I admit this has been a really intense, deep, lonely struggle. I am very slowly taking steps to put myself first, permit myself to enjoy, not care what others think. One example: 3 months ago decided to stop colouring my hair( did not discuss it with anyone) and have cut it very short to speed up the process.
        Believe me, it takes courage and willpower to stick with the plan!

        Wiill check out the webinar. Sorry we won’t meet (in midst of planning my SECOND trip to Oz) for many years it was my lifelong dream, finally realized at 53.Gives me something to get excited about. Thanks again. I do very much enjoy your compassion and wisdom.

        1. Hi Pam,

          you are very welcome 🙂

          That is wonderful you are shifting and I just know the webinar can help you so much!

          Wonderful you are coming to OZ – such a great time of year to do it!

          Bless Dear Lady and I wish you all the best in joy, life and love.

          Mel xo

      2. I don’t believe that you can heal while staying with a narcassist.You do need to get yourself strong to standup to them and leave, no matter if you have things with them or children.Leaving is the first step to healing and divorcing.

  9. After a more than two decade marriage with a large number of children it was well past time time to throw in the towel. I had little to go on, not much work experience after having been a stay at home mom, no family in the country where I live and little support even from afar anyway. After he got engaged less than a year after divorce (which he also stalled and footdragged about for a while but never once said I love you, I need you etc.) r I remember some casual acquaintance telling me, ” Oh good, now you won’t have to worry about him in his old age.” A therapist said something similar a few years down the road. I was appalled! Are they mad? Does any one ever ask who ‘s going to look after ME? Everyone clamored around HIM to spread the safety net while I had to go it alone in a place that is very conservative and family oreinted, women alone don’t have a leg to stand on.What would I or should I have cared- he was surrounded by extended family ,work mates, plus 9 out of 10 of our mutual friends sided with him with no reason I can fathom. Was I nothing once we split? Had I no identity, personality of my own??.Still plagues me today over ten years later. I had the courage to get up and go put an end to his covert narcissism, yet have taken so much flack and still floundering, financially, emotionally and socially cause I feel I have been excommunicated. My grown kids have also shown their preference to some extent. Nobody really knows what went on, I hid behind the facade for years. He didn’t miss a beat, stayed in same community,etc, just a different horse, who by the way they’ve all embraced. I meanwhile left the town I liked, upped and moved to another city and have not been able to establish a social life.It is much harder to break in after 50 and the mainstream isn’t really open to divorcees. I’ve exhausted being with other women and or going to activities solo, so have pretty much turned into a loner which is a shame since I have an outgoing, friendly personality.

    Long before I’d ever heard of narcissistic abuse I adopted no contact which I think really floored him and bothers my kids too, who don’t get why it is necessary ,why we did not remain ‘friends’. How can I ever tell them the way I suffered? I can’t trash him to their faces. I sure would never have chosen him for a father had I known he was a narc. They are all adults, they see him with wifey while they see me still alone, trying the dating scene which has been horrrendous, what don’t they understand?

    As an aside, Melanie, I may be viisting Melbourne in mid Decemeber 2017. Any chance we could meet? You have my email.

  10. Melanie:

    Do you have a people helper training or have you thought of doing one? As a a person that has successfully used you healings and a Life Coach I would love to do a discussion group using a formal format.

  11. Part of my healing process after 2 back to back romantic entanglements with Narcissist was the discovery of my mother as the original Narcissist in my life. I did everything I could to shut down contact with her which lead to becoming an enemy to the rest of the family. She has people I love in her home, my father, sister, niece & nephew and I now understand why she does this, to serve as a gatekeeper. I try to go over, under & around to still contact & love them but it seemingly impossible to reach out to them without her interjecting herself. Is anyone dealing with the same challenge? Any suggestions?

  12. I wish I had the mindset to leave and heal while still in the relationship, as you suggest. But the problem is that I don’t know if I want to stay or go. He is definitely a narcissist though. I am very dependent on my N spouse. I am working on my self alot. And we have our good times, family times, but, of course, intimacy is missing but there is tremendous familiarity that I am so afraid to lose…that connection. And my daughter is 3 years from going off to college and I am afraid that I need his help with all of that. He is so good in so many ways. He is financially generous, takes care of almost everything in the house, cooks great meals almost every night, doesn’t cheat or lie. He wants more affection from me and I just can’t go there. What should I do? I am so confused.

    1. Hi Dana,

      I understand, and it’s not easy.

      The truth is this: If you’re not done, you’re not done yet. And my suggestion would be deep inner healing targeting and releasing the confusion so that there is space for clarity to come.

      Quanta Freedom Healing (The NARP Program) can be worked in that way.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

    2. I️ know how exactly where you are. I️ can relate to everything you say. I️ have to tell you a step l took. I️ found a community in another state once allnmy kids were in college. We could afford to have two places. There I️ found myself. How you ask well he still needed to work and I️ could stay there alone. For the first time in my whole life I️ was alone. No friends no family alone. Believe me he tried to discourage belittle and even guilt me not to be there. I️ held my ground because of a friend who helped me. Told me to share that I️ was scared how I’ve never been alone with the ladies I️ met in classes. Yes I️ stRted joining classes in the gym. Water water arobitics Zumba. These ladies took me in. I️ became the person I️ knew I️ was all along. A big happy personality. People were drawn to me and my humor. I️ didn’t care what people thought. I️ didn’t know them. I️ was free. Happy I️ found myself. I️ started doing art. Exercise class. Even took up tennis it’s my happy place. It all gets taken away so many times living with this man. He hates loves me each and everyday. It’s hard but I️ feel myself getting stronger. Building myself up. Surroundings myself with people who actually like me. Build me up not tear me down. No judgement on every move. You can find this place. It’s in all of us. Good luck. I️ will be working on myself.

  13. There is No one better than you for healing ourselves and leaving narc partner but,
    once again, I just felt alone listening to this.

    I have left my narc partner, and yes, it was so hard. But I must tell you, there is No comparison
    to dealing with a narc sibling. I know you’ve given lessons about good boundaries, which I have
    done, but I’m telling you, you cannot relate. No leaving when they are in the same town, when
    there are children and cousins, and my other sibs who, though I’ve told my story once, love this
    person and really can’t relate. You use many personal examples with your ex narc partner.
    It would be SO nice to hear from others who have dealt with these issues. How they deal with
    discussing with friends (I chose to not even tell new friends about this but this person couldn’t
    resist introducing themselves.. and it starts again) Then there is the issue of telling boyfriend.

    Either way makes me look bad and I’m sick of it This person has always made boyfriends a target.

    Guess I don’t want to hear how it’s the same situation as with a romantic partner narc. Melanie, it’s not.

    1. Hi JC,

      there are many people in the Community on the NARP Program who have healed from Family of Origin narcissist including siblings.

      It is the same healing premise totally, we work inside our body on our traumas and release them so that we can show up honouring ourselves and no longer playing into the abuse – family member or not. And that includes releasing the fears of other family member’s reaction.

      Here are these resources about this: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-if-the-narcissist-is-a-family-member/ and https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-if-the-narcissist-is-a-family-member/

      I hope the helps.

      Mel xo

  14. Hi Melanie
    Liked this topic a lot, have been having a break from NARP lately (I think partly as I am feeling saner and partly because I am a lot more hooked than I care to realise) as its painful and hurts to accept that at some point I have to make the final break. I don’t live with him so our lives are fundamentally separate, so when I make as much space as I can it feels OK then I allow myself to believe in our calm communications possibly it can all be OK one day…he has stopped drinking since I last wrote to you too. His brother died in the past month which sobered him and focused him even further than the thought of losing me had. I also found myself delaying the final break because his of this death in his family.

    However I am no longer comfortable in physical intimacy with him (despite the fact that we have a deeply intense and passionate relationship as I think I know the pattern now and that was my weakness in staying with him) and If there is any I feel worse. I can manage a good hug or a good chat and feel safe but don’t feel good doing more than that. Obviously this can’t go on for ever – luckily some travel, children being with us etc has managed to give me some space but it’s the final break I fear – not only for myself, or for the guilt or worry about his perceived vulnerability ( although I know this is probably not as deep and more short lived than my own is although he will be gutted to lose me) but I fear the current calm I have created will explode or implode. I hope that like you say if I can do it calmly and shining brightly this time rather than in shock and disbelief or trauma like previous times then it may be that he just wants me to go quickly like you say. But this also hurts to think I’ll be gone and it’ll all be meaningless what we once had. Although I try to keep in mind his role in highlighting all my areas for development and healing (time and time again!)

    Looking forward to completing the final two modules that I have been avoiding – the last time I tried I could not focus at all – my mind kept fighting it.
    I’ve been crying quite a bit today so maybe that is bringing some acceptance of the grief I feel about ending yet another narcissistic relationship.

    Yours gratefully
    Sophie 😉

    1. Hi Sophie,

      you poor thing – it is so hard when we get to this point.

      It is very true the thing we most need to do is the hardest thing to do.

      None of us should be selling out to less than our truth – and it hurts until we do make the break – which then initially hurts more, but when we meet it and heal, THEN the most spectacular liberation of ourselves follows.

      Please know it is so worth it.

      Sending you many blessings, healing and strength.

      Mel xo

  15. Hi Melanie,
    I had an awakening experience about 6 months ago. Since then I feel being whole and realized. That was when real issues started with my relationship. I started to realize that I am living with a person (since 17 years), who is emotionally exploited me, and after doing research I identified her as a covert narcissist, and my previous self as codependant. But all of a sudden I became free from the spell. I developed my boundaries and stopped giving energy of any kind to her.
    But there is something bothering me. In one of your videos you said that these people are actually AIDs, and we should be grateful for them, because they help us to awaken to our traumas and our true selves. If this is the case, didn’t they do a huge sacrifice to accept this role and to dig themselves into the dirt to serve us ultimately? If so, ain’t I responsible after becoming my real me to not to run away but find a way to get them out of their situation?
    Currently I decided to remain passive, keep witholding energy, both positive and negative and see next what her move will be. (I suggested her that we visit a kinesiologist to start finding out what we have here. She did not say either yes or no, and we are in a waiting mode now for over a month. I feel I should wait and see where we going from here (either giving it a try or she leaves me).
    Can you share your thoughts on these with me please?
    Thank You,
    Janos

  16. I am ending a going on 31 years of marriage to a narcissist. I discovered strictly by accident last year that he was having not one, but two affairs. One with a married women, the other a single girl 20 years younger than him.
    Of course he blamed me for the affairs, and the destruction of the marriage, but much of it stemmed from his business going down hill, and him not looking for a job. He preferred to cheat to make himself feel better while I struggled to get my business going to bring in money, because he wasn’t,

    I have two big concerns.
    1.) how do I continue to live with him in the same house while the divorce continues? We have a pre-trial date set for two months from now. I cannot leave the house because I cannot trust what he’ll do, and I need to be here to watch him. I have found out about more of his lies, stealing, hiding money, etc. It is very hard to be in his energy and try to heal myself and move on. I’m in limbo!

    2.) My other huge concern is how I am hearing way too many horror stories how these guys win in court. They have narcissist atty.’s (which my husband also has) who tell the judge lies, and untruths about the wife making her look like the bad guy. I am scared to death that I will not get my fair share of what I deserve in the financial split. I am 60 years old and starting over. Never worked full time the entire 30 years married to him, raising 3 kids, 2 with disabilities. I am scared to death he will pull. Any of the things he’s threatened to do to me and I will walk away with nothing. Where would I start to rebuild my life?

    1. Hi Rose,

      My heart goes out to you – this is very painful.

      Rose now this is calling you to be able to be as calm and solid as possible – which of course is so difficult under these circumstances but is doable.

      Rose please come into my next webinar which helps show you HOW to detach, take the power back to you and be as solid and whole as possible in such circumstances.

      Nothing calls for that more than in times when we feel least likely to be able to achieve that.

      Here is how to be in the webinar: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Also are you connected to my free resources? https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freestarterpackage ?

      I know it will feel like you need to do all you can to keep an eye on him, yet I promise you that your salvation lies in healing and making you stronger. The rebuild of your life and what he is capable of pulling will all be in your best favor by doing so.

      I hope these resources can help.

      Mel xo

  17. Plz help. I’m so confused. Short background. My husband of 26 years died and 4 months later I was involved when M, who is 28 yrs younger. Last 4 yrs he’s moved out 5 times, been abusive both verbally and physically, gotten involved with his ex and told me I had to except her as part of our life, I’ve lost all my friends and now I’m completely alone. I started the process to move to another state for a fresh start. He convinced me to stay here and work it out with him. We spent the next week having sex and texting. Less than a week later he had a terrible motorcycle accident and lost his leg. After coming out of the coma, he spent the first couple of days telling me he loved me and I was the one for him. Told him I’d stand by his side and care for him. Third day after coming out of the coma he told his dad, not me, that he didn’t want me to come to the hospital anymore!?!? He didn’t even tell me himself. It’s been two weeks since he has been able to communicate and I’ve not heard one word from him. WTF?? Is he a narc? Do I run for my life now or assume he’s just concerned with his own issues? Am I being too self centered? I’m so confused…

  18. Hi I have been married for 18 years and I got married when I was 18. I have four children 9,10,14,15. I just realized what I have been going through was abuse when it was happening I had no idea.Its when I got pushed to a point that I could hurt myself not even have any thoughts for my children that someone could have that power over me, that’s when I had to get help. I start group classes next week and my end goal is to leave but everyday I overthink and say no it will be ok until I realize when he comes home it won’t be ok I feel sick to my stomach when I see him. I have been so gulliable and allowed him to get me to open credit cards and put charges on them and now I’m in debt of $10.000 and he won’t pay any of the bills and it’s been 6 months. He has ruined my credit and withholds money from me to control me. I have a part time job I earn a little but not enough to take care of my Children to give them a good life. I’m trying to be smart (I don’t think I am) and figure out a plan but it’s so hard especially when you have time. Time can be your friend and enemy at the same time because having time gives you time to change your mind back and forth and I hate that.This is not the life I wanted for me and my children.

  19. Hello Melanie, I have left twice in the past month only to have come back because of no money. I have been trying to heal myself so watching your video is wonderful because I was really feeling trapped. I need to heal more & get my finances sorted. I have been so down on myself & telling him I will do anything to keep us together but I wasn’t home for 2 days when we were driving somewhere &I had forgotten something which we needed & I had to turn back, mind you we were only a couple of minutes away from home & he’s at me and at me that he told me not to forget the damn thing &I did. He stormed out of the car carrying on & on a first in the car I felt awful but as soon as I got the thing I’d forgotten & in the car on my own felt great & knew I have to go again soon. In bed there it is your video & yes I know to heal first & then go. I have been married 37 years & have been working for the last 4 years to get everything sorted before I go. I’m nearly there only a bit to do & keep on healing. I really don’t like him at all. I am trapped with him he doesn’t let me out of his site. We have always worked our own businesses. I have no me time but have managed me time even when he’s around. I am lucky to have a friend that has stayed around. He was friends with both of us & really was a little lost when we met him so he was around a fair bit so saw what was going on by the time my husband started at him I thought oh god he won’t stay but he said to my husband, while looking at me ‘you can’t get rid of me that easy I’m staying, na, na, na.’
    I was relieved but my husband is very horrible to him & it won’t be long & he’ll be gone. I’ve asked my friend why he stayed & he said ‘ I’m not stupid, I can see what’s going on.’ His girlfriend doesn’t like that we’re friends so that’s another reason why he won’t be around for long but this man has really helped me to get to know myself more & not worry about anything especially as I’m always in trouble & everything is always my fault.
    I must ask but why does my husband stay with me even though everything about me he hates?
    I’ve always thought that I have a psychological problem that I can’t leave but why doesn’t he?
    Anyway thank you for being there for me. When I googled a few of his traits a few years ago, I absolutely couldn’t believe that there was a name for him. I did a questioner & answered 98 out of 100 so I knew what he was, a narcissist.
    I was already into my first full on year of trying to sort out myself & leave so it was nice putting a name to him.
    When I left a couple of days ago I had to ring my sister to help me as I had no money, I told her what he was she said don’t be sill go back. I don’t want to worry my daughter but did tell her I left again & asked her if she could lend me a little, her husband said no. I have managed to get everything I own to squash in the car & my 2 dogs, as much as he says he loves our dogs I know he’ll kill them if I left them. I went to a free camping but needed money. I have just managed now to finish our tax, I will get it to the accountant tomorrow & go to get help by going on the dole, we don’t earn enough now to survive. I am nearly there & must get off here now because he’s coming. Thank you for your help especially as it’s free.

    1. He’s just come in ranting and raving that I must have done something because he’s just lost internet connection.
      Yes I’m in bed, I just sidled down to get a bit more comfortable, of course it was me but I must be a magician because for me to touch the internet I would have to get out of bed. He’s now looking in my cupboard for a headache tablet knowing they are in the medicine cabinet

  20. I realized that I needed to live with my mom for a while so I can heal from her (she’s a covert narc). This seems like an oxymoron
    yet it was definitely how it has worked for me. I needed to heal enough from the inside in order to detach and let her go in a
    healthy way. It was the only way for me. And yes, I have been able to manage the narcissistic debris for a while, while I have
    been healing. And soon it will be time for me to move on… And keep mom in my life in a different way, a more distant way.
    I am ready to grow up and let her go now. I accept she won’t be the mom I needed…
    You re so right that leaving while I am empowered is so much better.
    I have been taking my power back and feeling so much more detached. I work on me. I love me now. I don t wait for mom to love me anymore.

  21. Hi Melanie,
    I have just discovered your website today and have been reading for the last 5 hours! This site is a revelation for me.
    My doting, devoted, faithful, charismatic, charming, kind, considerate, handsome, family oriented and ‘charming to all my friends and family’ husband of 25 years has turned full circle in to a devil.
    In March this year I discovered he has been having an 12 month ongoing affair with a prostitute in Thailand, (he is 65, she is 34) meeting her when he is going on his golfing trip (4 times a year) to Asia. I found out when I caught him talking to her on his second mobile phone. I was shattered and heartbroken, my world crumbled around me when I heard his ‘baby Thai’ talk to her – including ‘I love you so much!” He was resentful, blamed me and my family and past childhood events for pushing him into the affair as he ‘just cracked under all the pressure I and my family put him under to look after us after my father died’. Since then our marriage is on hold as he needs to ‘clear his mind’ from all the past hurt I have inflicted on him – he doesn’t want to leave me and manipulates me emotionally into staying with him ‘ ‘to give him more time to decide’. I should stand by him to get over the traumas and if I dare ask how long will this take he loses his cool. “Don’t pressure me!! It could take 2 weeks, it could take 2 years!” Also, the only place to ‘clear his head” is on a golf course in Asia.
    I feel so frightened, insecure, in limbo and totally don’t trust him, he has been my life for 25 years, but, like many of your readers, I am in my mid fifties with slim employment options and a totally enmeshed financial and family life with him. I am hoping your website will help me heal and understand my dependance on him, which I think relates to my dependance on my grounded, stable family life, particularly my father.
    Anyway, can I ask you question? my husband seemed to be totally besotted and obsessed with the Thai girl! – to the point he was going to leave me for her after knowing her for 3 weeks. How does a narcissist become so besotted? I feel it is because she is totally submissive and adoring to him, something he craves – respectability and adoration, and she ‘babies him” (his words) and swoons all over him. But this is what a Thai girl would do for ANY stupid, rich, old western man! How can he not se HE is being manipulated and used for the life he will provide for her. He is cool, reserved and often condescending to me, says he does not love me but ‘cares for me deeply’! What is that about? Control? Hedging his bets incase ThaiGF doesn’t work out? He keeps me on a hook and jerks it when he feels like he is losing me or plays any number of ‘victim tactics.’ Never once saying sorry for hurting me or having an affair. My self esteem is about zero, although finding this site I feel hopeful..
    Sorry for the long rave, I hope you can explain the flip, but most confusingly to me, the obsession to the Thai, or is this a change of target, to satisfying his Altruistic Narc need to be adored and provide and help someone else?

    1. Hi Rosie,

      my heart goes out to you … the situation you are in is very painful.

      Please know when narcissistic individuals, or and just those seeking ego feed and relief from inner pain – external new attention provides an “incredible high”.

      This may help explain: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-is-narcissistic-supply/

      What is so important for you is healing yourself back to relief and wholeness to generate and create your life – regardless of what he decides.

      I’d love to help you with that Rosie, and please make sure that you are subscribed to my 16-day free course … it has so much information in there to help you https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freestarterpackage

      Sending blessings and strength.

      Mel xo

  22. Hi Melanie

    I’ve been with a narcissist for nearly 3 yrs but only realised he was narcissistic in the past 6months. I even went to therapy and had him attend a couple of sessions so he could tell the therapist what was wrong with me! Now I look back I cringe and realise that this was really feeding his narcissistic supply.

    So I am at the starting point to heal my inner self but I am not yet strong or ready to leave him. So I wanted to ask is it normal to feel more stressed as I go through this process? Because I am thinking about things that I have not thought about before. Is this all part of the healing? I’m suffering with bad anxiety, headaches and weight loss I’m actually underweight so I really need to do this now.

    Kind regards

    Bella xx UK

    1. Hi Chantelle,

      it certainly is normal for it to feel worse as we try to leave and when we do actually leave.

      The relief really only starts to come when we turn inwards and start loving and healing our traumatized parts back to wholeness. And, I really recommend connecting to that focus, that as soon as you can, to help support what you need to get through in this challenging time.

      Chantelle, have you connected to my Free resources yet?There is so much in there that can help you – especially the free Webinar.

      https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      That is my highest suggestion for you right now and I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  23. The comments here seem to mainly be about relationships with lartners or spouses
    The narc for me, is my adult child. Always has been, manipulative since a small child, growing up was horrendous and now involved in crime and dodgy dealings. I am seriously trying to detach as the emotions are so up and down, l have been ill from this all and want to be free and be happy and RELAX!
    Any help would be great, fabulous site. I found you a week or so ago, sometimes a comment you make seems to resonate and l heal more
    I want to do this totally now

  24. Hi Melanie,
    Luckily my relationship with narcissist was long distance and I was one doing all the travelling
    most of time together was lovely adventure you see much like a holiday romance I suppose though
    there were instances of abuse and violence, I have to own up my part as being part of the drama
    but after losing my mother and dog and finding out he’d been cheating and lied then told me I shouldn’t
    snoop around I was livid, this crazy time has gone on for 5 years with me back and forward, once staying
    away from him for 2 years but still having contact by phone, internet etc it was always a case of once I got
    home he would go distant, missing, moody, abusive and then come back begging forgiveness the same
    pattern and cycle every time till I got sick to death of it, I’ve been doing the work lots of it healing and looking
    at my shadow even thought it would help fix us, but today after no contact with him for a while he just threw
    abuse at me again that caught me off guard and really deeply hurt me I should be used to be called stupid fat
    bitch whore etc but somewhere deep inside I realised and after reading what you said he is still able to get to my
    wound maybe more so today as I’m menstrual and feeling fragile, I think I’m past the addiction, no longer feel any
    love, exhausted and sick of it all, but part of me still won’t let go even after all this I know this is partly because
    I saw my mother put up with much worse, I grew up around domestic violence I was abused as child and all my
    relationships have been abusive since and at 46 years of age enough is enough. How much work will it take for me
    to stop attracting these sorts of men and will he ever leave me alone. I’d like a new relationship but terrified really
    want to invite in a conscious loving relationship.

    1. Hi Maria,

      I hear you – it is one thing to know our patterns and another to roll up our sleeves to heal our unhealed parts to be free of those patterns.

      It is the only way – we need to do the work and take a relationship break to do it – if we want the pattern to end. And it’s great that you now know “enough is enough”.

      Maria it all starts with the deeper processes here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse and making this now all about healing you. And … I so recommend entering the free webinar you will find through the link I just sent you.

      Wishing you incredible healing, breakthrough and true happiness and love. It is your soul right to achieve it.

      Mel xo

  25. Hi melanie
    My story may be a bit more complicated.I don’t no we’re to start. I met my husband when we both 15…at 18 I was pregnant.He was was in control cause I was just so in love, we moved in together when we had our daughter,
    At 19 he was in a terrible car accident which left him paralysed. I was still blind …years on and me just getting on with things.making a happy home..he wasn’t as bad then..we had a little boy 10 years later though IVF….And that’s when I started to notice. (My husband got a job. I would take him to work pick him up. I was always always on hand always be here)The attention wasn’t on him, it was pretty bad (But my star sign cancer so everything is family plus my childhood wasn’t great) so I always want things happy.. The real trouble started 6-7 years my daughter left home has own family my son started senior school, husband started going on about how I need a job go and see speak to normal people cause I wasn’t normal after 6 months I do part time. I would take my boy to school then take husband to work.then go do 3 hours at my job.. then go get boy from school go pick him up from work. Home then do all house things..(my husband cannot feed himself wash etc he’s 24 hour care I no i no he’s amazing.). Just after I started work 3 months he had to go into hospital for operation..then it was I need home 24/7 you cant go to work I need you.i said we can get the careers to come in couple of hours so I could still go to work as that was my social live I loved it.From that day it has been a nightmare.

    Anyway that when I realised cause I was out the house,he picks on me 24/7 is always calling me names.
    Year and half ago he finished working so he made me leave my job..He started telling family lies about me..
    He would start fighting in front of family..He put me down in front of anyone I could go on forever..
    A month ago we weren’t even fighting..he was with me daughter and he told He I was straving him …it completely crushed me..I scared to be in company with him I’m always crying we have been to see a marriage guide.But when she started saying things about him he wouldn’t go back..
    Please realise this has nothing to do with the disability. This is just him he was always like that I just didn’t and didn’t want to see it.. my live is a living hell he can scream the house down at me it can be 4am in the morning he doesn’t care

    Really sorry to go on I just wanted everything to be ok 😌

    1. Hi Rosie,

      my heart goes out to you – because what you have been dealing with is just so hard.

      Whether he is disabled or not, you deserve to have healthy boundaries and not be abused.

      Have you connected to my deeper healing resources yet, which will help empower you? They are here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I hope this helps you – because there is a way to live free of this trauma.

      Mel xo

  26. Dear Melanie

    You are my hero. I have new prescription for anti-depression because he explained I was mean to him and “if I would go back to the way I was when we first met, things would be good.” It’s making me insane I started going to doctor to fix myself (for him/us). Then we could be happy again, wrong, oh so wrong. I wondered why aren’t these stupid pills working? The pills helped with the depression which made (us) worst. Didn’t tell the doctor about him only what was wrong with – as he explained it to me time and time again.

    Now I understand I, just start taking care of me and get stronger. I believe I will be able leave soon. I don’t want this or how it was anymore; I want to be happy and I can be.

    1. Hi Cheryl,

      that is so good you coming out of the trance and aligning with you.

      There is no making any N happy – it is an impossible task. Instead, make YOU happy and what and who represents your happiness with become your life.

      Mel xo

  27. Dear Melanie,
    Thank you for all your great information!
    Background: 8 years in a relationship w/my narc
    Alittle over a year ago I noticed my narc becoming more aggressive, He was hanging out with much younger co workers, drinking, paying for one co-worker in particular, who he also gave rides to and from work spending every night out of the house I didn’t question it to be honest he was negative and always acted like a toddler so no difference, until his tones became very aggressive to me for no reason, his eyes looked different when he glanced at me, I never thought of him cheating not once. Until one day I threaten to leave him after an argument, this time he didn’t care, so I tested it I actually took a day off from work I removed the entire house into storage (because I owned Everything he moved in with me with nothing)
    When he came home from work I did not get the reaction I thought. He blamed me didn’t yell, and he left the house (he picked up his co-worker he hung around and went bowling) I didn’t understand I sat in the empty home crying, on the floor lucky I have 6 friends that are decades long, they always come to the rescue, He comes home we talk , needless to say I didn’t know at the time but my narc was in the process of discarding me anyway so none of this mattered I found myself more in distress because I couldn’t believe I didn’t matter anymore, I actually begged him to stay with me, as he gloated and said I think we should part ways. I begged and begged, he said ok, so month later we go on a romantic vacation which of course I payed for and planned. It was actually great no drama the entire weekend. When we returned home he fell asleep I never in 7 years went through his phone something told me too and so I did, What I uncovered I was not ready for, I placed an app on his phone to recover all deleted files (texts, messages from social media, emails you name it) as I sat and read sitting on our bed as he sleeps, 5 years worth of serial cheating, just multiple strangers, offering sexual acts for money, smearing my name any chance he got, telling my secrets, laughing about me to potential replacement, and the smear campaign started early in our relationship I just didn’t know it (they do that to gain sympathy) I woke him up he had no emotions of what I found, he actually looked at me said good I’m glad you found it, smiled and walked downstairs and slept like a baby for 8 hours. When he woke he grabbed coffee sat outside , I had to approach him, I was mess, why why why, he held my hand and honestly faked cryed which lasted a minute, he went upstairs for half hour came back down leaving his phone I picked it up and noticed he in that half hour hit on someone else after saying he was sorry, “cried”. This man cheated on me with people than introduced me to these people had me hang out with, invite them to our home, one I knew for 13 years, I couldn’t understand, it was the physical that hurt the most it was the talking about me, the introduction to the other men, the telling my secrets, laughing about me and coming home to me sleeping with me I couldn’t wrap my head around it, he would record me while he started a fight without my knowledge show it to people to say I was crazy he also does this thing where he acts like he didn’t hear me when Im talking he will say what, or I’m sorry can you repeat that part, he does it constantly, it’s coo purpose, literally thought I was going insane didn’t know if I was making this up or if he was a narcissist he told me a few times if I bought it up he would leave he said “leave it in the past” he would say so I did, for about two months, until I couldn’t anymore, I started talking about and I wouldn’t stop because he said too, still weak I would Know when too back off, I reached narcissist everyday, learned, read for hours, to understand get answers he would not provide, little by little I started healing so about 8 months after I found out, and walking around like a zombie, and tired of researching, I went to a partial hospitalization program which I thought because of my narcissist, but I learned the therapy became about me, I wasn’t going to give my narcissist credit this was about me, and how I allowed this, not to say I’m to blame, but I realized looking back as subtle as his requests for me to change things about myself early on were I slowly had no boundaries, it was over time,but I learned I was co-dependent, and an empath and I lost myself in my narcissist, I was isolated, no longer pursuing my dreams everywhere I went we were together except when he went places alone I had no identity, in therapy I started doing things alone again, Going to the gym, stores, I went to dinner alone prior to the narcissist abuse I enjoyed my alone time,I had to regain that, slowly I started to say NO! When I didn’t want to do something, when I didn’t like that he needed my constant attention we could be in the house together he would call me and text me repeatedly from downstairs using words like (just wanted to spend time with you, I miss you, come here) when all I wanted to do is sit enjoy my time yes I was healing but he made it difficult, I called him out when he did these things calmly ( I said your crossing my boundaries I don’t like that, would you like if I continue to pressure you to do something you don’t want to “like open up about your childhood”it’s a sore subject get says he can’t remember but has told me bits and pieces. So he stops crossing my boundaries, it’s wierd I’m not going to say my narcissist doesn’t try because he does, he has admitted alot to me, he has told me he sees he hurt me, but he doesn’t know what it feels like he can see pain but doesn’t understand the depth of it, he also will say to me “your right” I don’t know why I need all your attention I do ask alot from you and get won’t do it for that day but it’s constant reminder it really is like a toddler you have to continue to tell them to stop, point out why it’s not ok, it’s draining, but I learned I was never in love with my narcissist, I was manipulated into attachment, (how could I love someone I never knew) He listened in the beginning to me talk about who I was but gave very little to he was. One day I woke up I deleted all evidence I had of him cheating, I didn’t plan to do it. I just said I don’t need these anymore it was the day my life changed it was 9 months after I found out, it was the first day I didn’t think about him or our situation throughout the day, I laughed with Co workers and meant it, From that day on while still living with him, I got me back, I was standing taller, didn’t back down from him, one of our disagreement he actually said your the same mean person I met 8 years ago thinking it was going to hurt me, I responded “Thank you” because I was looking for the person for a long time now. The moral of this is to say yes you can live and healat the same time with a narcissist, just keep reminding yourself it’s about them it never was, your healing and self discovery is about you.Self love. It’s not easy I have 7 months left in our lease, we have a beautiful home, when our lease is up I’m saying good bye to my narcissist. I don’t hate him, I don’t love him, I feel nothing for him, I’m polite to him if he allows me to be, and ignore him when he throws his temper tantrum, I simply walk away, I realized I can not help him, I can’t get him to change completely, I never knew him was a big eye opener for me, it helped me not hurt anymore, it’s strange dynamic no one understands unless they were involved with a narcissist, when I told my narcissist I didn’t love him, I didn’t know him to love him, he said wow seriously ok, ok, walked away, I laughed after he left the room because he walked away because he didn’t know how to respond because they use the same MO he was thrown off, normal person would have said what are talking about you don’t love me, what does this mean for us, not a narcissist. So everyday I act normal until he doesn’t get his way, and either we have a good day or I have a good day alone either way it’s still a good day, any other survivors please know your narcissist doesn’t have the key to your happiness they can’t provide you with answers , stop asking them too look in your pockets, dig deep through all the clutter inside you , I gurantee your find your own key. Again Thank you Melanie for all the great advice

  28. Hi there
    Thank you so much for the work you do… i stumbled across it and all that you say resonates so strongly with me. I, like you have been a self help spiritual junkie trying to figure out how I Can continue to shine brightly. I have been married since 18 , I am now 51. I have struggled within my marriage , my kids who have now left home now, have struggled. I’m only just beginning to do the inner work you suggested and it is truly helping. I am still in my marriage however I want to know why although I have detached energetically my husband goes from being completely silent and not there… (which I’m used to) to completely loving (as much as he can be). The other day He did the dishes without me saying anything. I’m actually feeling like he may not be a narc? I am promising myself that I will do The work, by my self and hopefully will begin the NARP program SOON. His silences are actual gold for me now. They used to torture me. 😊 I am waiting for the next explosion, but because I’m not engaging it’s just silent. We only talk when we have to. It’s been months now. I’ve almost forgotten the bullshit?? What’s going on?

    1. Hi Paola,

      How wonderful you have taken your power back and are now nourishing and flourishing yourself. It is so true that when we do this that the neediness and emptiness fades. We are now fulfilling ourselves.

      It’s then that you can genuinely from a whole space see others to start moving up into a higher level of respect and care for you – so within so without.

      Another step, when you are ready to – is to start to define your values, what it is that is your truth and speak up honestly and ask for what you need.

      You may realise your truth is connection and communication with those you are having relationships with. Whether a person is a narcissist or not they simply may not be available or willing to do the work to meet you at this place.

      Or he may!

      For you, it could come down to be willing to lose it all to get it all, to walk your truth authentically.

      Don’t put pressure on you though, if you keep working with NARP you will know when you are ready to go to any next stages.

      When we do the inner work, what does happen is it all unfolds. I would also recommend that if it does get too confusing, to Module the confusion out and bring in clarity as your healing, and then your path and choices will come into focus for you.

      I hope this makes sense!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *