Melanie Tonia Evans

Can You Heal While You Are Still With A Narcissist?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 2
49
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

I know we all hear time and time again how you should just leave, create No Contact and THEN start healing. And … I do agree that No Contact and leaving before trying to heal is often the best way to recover.

Yet, maybe you just can’t do that – because of children, or a combined business or you don’t have anywhere to go yet.

Or maybe … and this reason is a big reason … because you know you just don’t have the resources or the strength or the emotional capacity to do it yet. You simply may be too traumatised, addicted, hooked and or frightened to let go.

In narcissistic relationships we are not done until we are done …. and often we are only ready to leave when the trauma of staying becomes bigger than the trauma of leaving.

However, another way to leave is when we heal enough on the inside that we are just not emotionally enmeshed with him or her anymore, and we feel empowered and confident enough to go.

I tried to leave with narcissistic number one so many times in all the wrong ways, because I hadn’t worked on myself, I was drastically unhealed, and I paid a horrible price for it time and time again.

It was traumatic beyond measure … I was in and out of courtrooms and psychologist appointments, I put intervention orders on, I was taking them off, and all and sundry lost faith in me completely.

I truly lost all faith in myself.

In stark contrast, because I was dedicated to the inner work with narcissist number two, I left cleanly and suffered minimum fallout, and since that time I have helped so many people who have been stuck with narcissists do the same.

If you are with a narcissist and don’t know how you can or will leave and heal, I am going to help you in this video understand how absolutely you can do the work on yourself whilst still stuck with narcissist, as well as how you are able to set up the leaving and reigniting of your life in the most powerful and least stressful ways possible.

Please know if you are stuck that you can get through this. If you are able to take your time, breathe, start practicing your detachment and switch your focus from “You are hurting me” to “What part inside me was just triggered that I can now heal?”, you will be amazed how quickly the power shifts back to you.

I so hope that this video has helped you, and if there’s anything else I can help you with, please post in the comments below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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49 Thoughts on Can You Heal While You Are Still With A Narcissist?
  • Efitz1980@gmail.com'
    Kiki
    August 23, 2017

    Thank you! I’m currently working on my inner healing in preparation for leaving. I have 8 months for my lease with the narc ends and I can’t wait… I saw a message from a woman come into his inbox today where she was undressing and playing with herself according to her in response of a picture he sent her of his genitals. I feel like I’m really starting to heal thanks to your videos… the old me would’ve probably been so hurt that I would’ve confronted immediately… now I feel like I’m just using the knowledge as inspiration to keep healing and looking at him as a SICK man! I now look at this woman (one of a few) as just another toy and supplier to him. I almost feel bad for her… almost. I still need a lot more healing because i did feel some pain… I know I’ll be ok though. Thanks again! Ki

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 23, 2017

      Hi Kiki,

      you are very welcome.

      That is wonderful that you are working on you 🙂

      That’s great Kiki that you have come this far. Just keep locating and releasing the triggers and you will get out in the best way possible.

      Wishing you amazing blessings 🙂 You are doing a fantastic job.

      Mel xo

      • dukefam01@yahho.com'
        Faye Duke
        August 29, 2017

        Thank you so much for the work you do. I divorced my narc of 33 years. I didn’t have a name for his horrible treatment of me until I ran across your website. I am now feeling numb. I now realize that my co dependence and fear of abonment kept me in that abusive relationship. This has led to a horrific depression. I now live with my daughter and her family. I feel so guilty living here. I am penniless and too depressed to get a job. I know I have to move on and heal. But I’m feel so much shame. I am 60 years old with no job skills. I read your article about older women having the courage to leave their abuser and I think you for that.
        The good news is that I’m 200 miles away from him. However, we have two daughters and grandchildren so I can’t avoid seeing him on family occasions.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          August 30, 2017

          Hi Faye,

          please know you are very welcome 🙂

          Dear Lady please know what you are going throygh is so normal – even though of ocurse it feels incredibly crippling.

          Faye I can’t urge you enough to come into my free webinar and start working through the energtic de-tox of the trauma – it helps SO mcuh with the healing and the breaking through into you true and new life … which I promise you awaits if you do the inner work.

          As I say in my videos – “What else is there to do”.

          Please let this Community hold you hand and heart further http://www.melanietonaevans.com/freewebinar

          Mel xo

  • edith.estey@gmail.com'
    Edith Estey
    August 23, 2017

    Do you have any tips for breaking the ‘love’ attachment? Its so damn deep and it sucks because I just want it to be ok. I know its not and it never will be. But I have held onto this hope for so long, that its hard to move through.

  • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
    Stephen
    August 23, 2017

    I started healing while I was with my narc. It really frustrated her that she could no longer control me. She tried pulling even bigger problems to get me to be her flying monkey. She called the police on me because I refused to get rid of the compost pile in the garden. Needless to say it really made her look silly to the police. I started asking her, well not asking but telling her to stop doing certain behaviors and that really got her upset. Asking her to allow me to read a book drove her to start beating herself, screaming and weeping and falling on her knees. She then insisted I run her to the ER, which I refused to do and me telling her she is is crazy. Believe it or not for a decade I was not able to read more than a single paragraph without her interference and finding something for me to do.

    Looking back, it’s best to leave and heal as healing means boundaries are being built and narcs can’t stand that and they will make more hell and drama. I was staying because we had children and that was the only reason. I should have left anyway as she turned them against me and each other anyway.

    My word of advice GET OUT NOW, no contact and if contact is necessary do not tell her anything other than “I’m picking up the kids at ______time”.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 23, 2017

      Hi Stephen,

      yes absolutely the N’s become this histrionic, getting out is the true solution.

      That is so good that you are – and much better for the kids.

      Mel xo

  • pascalemartina@cs.com'
    Pascale
    August 23, 2017

    Wow Melanie, so powerful and helpful. I’ve already left the narcissist and I feel strong but sometimes I was doubting if I have done it the right way for my children. In this video you’re telling my history and now it feels finally I did it the right way. Thank you so much.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 23, 2017

      Hi Pascale,

      you are very welcome and I am so pleased this was validating for you.

      Mel xo

  • Ashleyseni1@gmail.com'
    Ashley
    August 23, 2017

    I have been in a relationship with a narc for three years living together and I started doing the healings back in May 2017. I want to leave and plan to leave but it my case I feel like it is so hard, not because I want to be with him, but because I am living abroad in another country, his country, and I am very vulnerable and scared with no family or friends to support me or have an escape to go to. I feel completely trapped and he deffinately uses it to his advatage because he knows I have no where to go or have anyone who will help or defend me as I have wanted to leave several times but never follow through. I guess I will continue to do the healings until I feel confident and with strength to leave. I always second myself, have obsessive thoughts daily about staying or leaving,
    and get scared.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 23, 2017

      Hi Ashley,

      please know it is so normal to have those confusing feelings about going or staying. What may really help you is to work with NARP to locate and release the traumas within you that are creating the “attachment” part of it. Because once you heal from these you will feel so much stronger and more confident about leaving.

      Also, are you in the NARP Forum to remove support and coaching to help you Ashley? I would really recommend doing that http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Mel xo

  • Loredana6@aol.com'
    Lori
    August 23, 2017

    i can validate this entire video. In March when I was at my wits end I was trapped, financially unable and feeling defeated but I stumbled upon this program. I have done some of the work (as time allowed) but listened to all the weekly videos. It was enough for me… Not a complete healing but a reinforcing of self worth and backbone. I do the healing module a lot. This past week I finally moved the Narc out and started a new job. Weak, wobbly but I know with the help of NARP, the fantastic support and guidance it gives as well as the super supportive staff I’ll get my stability back in no time. Mel- Thank YOU! I am looking forward to finally having time and space to heal and reinforce MY WHO I AM. And moving forward thriving in my own authenticity. As much as I wish I could have dived rght in back in March I DO know that any healing at all helps one to focus, detach and move forward. I am grateful that your resources were there for me and I look forward to fully utilizing them now that I am able. Special thanks to Claire as well. Now, on to THRIVING!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 24, 2017

      Hi Lori,

      I am so happy you have come this far and the is wonderful you feel supported and so positive.

      Many blessings to you Dear Lady!

      Mel xo

  • Kpmov@aol.com'
    Susan
    August 23, 2017

    Thanks for this.
    My situation is that I:
    1) came out of denial at 43 years old and realized what my parents had been doing to me – and still were doing to me
    2) it took me about a year to work through the GUILT of leaving
    3) was ready to and wanted to leave finally – no second thoughts
    4) was betrayed by my AA sponsor and suffered abuse from her and everyone else around me which left me traumatized and unable to earn a living or sleep and developed a lot of physical illness

    So I remain stuck, depending on horrible Section 8 narcissist who are all untreated people, narcissist landlords, and without any money still am physically sicker than ever due to Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome and mold allergies, thyroid condition, abdominal distension, hair loss, exhaustion…

    My spiritual work showed me that my solution is to speak up, and I truly believe I am at the end, and if I spoke up about this and confronted certain people (handling what comes up), I would be healthy again – and free.

    My parents are very well thought of and have eons of awards in their houseS and my father has a long career of being a politician. He is worshipped. He had also been stuck in a marriage for over 50 years that he hates, and has become very codependent with my mother, the main narcissist, and just as abusive as her, because he’s given up.

    I was told at 13 that “everything going on in this house is all your fault”, and I was forced to accept that, and many people along the years have cole in to validate that, and that I am the “problem” or “bad one” (scapegoat) in my society here, as well…when really I have more compassion and potential than all the people who are saying that.
    When I got well 7 years ago after much hard work, people (including my family) saw what that looked like, and they were literally disgusted.

    I really feel if I took to my FB page and concisely stated with no opinions some of what had happened, the friends I have who know me would be proud of me, and those who don’t like it will see I will say something.

    It would also give some people the consequences they need to grow.

    And I’d be free. I’d be able to sleep.

    I feel I should get out of here, to another state directly afterwards, literally just get on a bus and go. I was told that when everyone’s acting like that, sometimes it’s better to move on. My state is a mess anyway.

    I use a different name here for anonymitys sake.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 24, 2017

      Hi Susan,

      you are very welcome.

      I am so sorry you have been through such a painful journey.

      Yes absolutely it is empowering to speak up, and the key is that if we are attached to anyone “getting it” then we may be let down – or even traumatised again. Speaking up can only be – when healthy – about us walking our truth regardless of what anyone else does or doesn’t do with that.

      It doesn’t necessarily lead other people into consequences or growth – that is something we have absolutely no control over. The only control we have is the healing of the choices of our own life.

      To me that is always about releasing our inner trauma.

      I wish you healing and relief Susan.

      Sending blessings.

      Mel xo

  • pdwournell@yahoo.com'
    Pam
    August 23, 2017

    After a more than two decade marriage with a large number of children it was well past time time to throw in the towel. I had little to go on, not much work experience after having been a stay at home mom, no family in the country where I live and little support even from afar anyway. After he got engaged less than a year after divorce (which he also stalled and footdragged about for a while but never once said I love you, I need you etc.) r I remember some casual acquaintance telling me, ” Oh good, now you won’t have to worry about him in his old age.” A therapist said something similar a few years down the road. I was appalled! Are they mad? Does any one ever ask who ‘s going to look after ME? Everyone clamored around HIM to spread the safety net while I had to go it alone in a place that is very conservative and family oreinted, women alone don’t have a leg to stand on.What would I or should I have cared- he was surrounded by extended family ,work mates, plus 9 out of 10 of our mutual friends sided with him with no reason I can fathom. Was I nothing once we split? Had I no identity, personality of my own??.Still plagues me today over ten years later. I had the courage to get up and go put an end to his covert narcissism, yet have taken so much flack and still floundering, financailly, emotionally and socially cause I feel I have been excommunicated. My grown kids have also shown me their preference to some extent. Nobody really knows what went on, I hid behind the facade for years. He didn’t miss a beat, stayed in same community,etc, just a different horse, who by the way they’ve all embraced. I meanwhile left the town I liked, upped and moved to another city and have not been able to establish a social life.It is much harder to break in after 50 and the mainstream isn’t really open to divorcees. I’ve exhausted being with other women and or going to activities solo, so have pretty much turned into a loner which is a shame since I have an outgoing, friendly personality.

    Long before I’d ever heard of narcissistic abuse I adopted no contact which I think really floored him and bothers my kids too, who don’t get why it is necessary ,why we did not remain ‘friends’. How can I ever tell them the way I suffered? I can’t trash him to their faces. I sure would never have chosen him for a father had I known he was a narc. They are all adults, they see him with wifey while they see me still alone, trying the dating scene which has been horrrendous, what don’t they understand?

    As an aside, Melanie, I may be viisting Melbourne in mid Decemeber 2017. Any chance we could meet? You have my email.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 24, 2017

      Hi Pam,

      Please know when we heal on the inside we start being able to generate a different possibility for ourself, at any age, regardless of what we believe the outer environment is like – or any other perceived limitations.

      And that is our trip after narcissistic abuse, to become a self generative force and realise that that is available to us.

      Also we lose the attachment to trying to get people to “get it”, because we feel validated and whole and past were you are still feeling now – which by the way I deeply emphasise with because this is so common with how we feel after being narcissistically abused – we all went through it to varying extents.

      Pam thank you for the offer to meet but I am travelling for a great deal of December.

      Pam I would love you to come into my free webinar and consider NARP – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar because I promise there is a deep and powerful way to get unstuck and truly feel different and start creating the life you do want to live and love.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope this helps Dear Lady – you deserve to be out of the pain – we all do.

      Mel xo

      • pdwournell@yahoo.com'
        Pam
        August 24, 2017

        Thanks Melanie for taking the time to devote to that very warm, kind reply. I admit this has been a really intense, deep, lonely struggle. I am very slowly taking steps to put myself first, permit myself to enjoy, not care what others think. One example: 3 months ago decided to stop colouring my hair( did not discuss it with anyone) and have cut it very short to speed up the process.
        Believe me, it takes courage and willpower to stick with the plan!

        Wiill check out the webinar. Sorry we won’t meet (in midst of planning my SECOND trip to Oz) for many years it was my lifelong dream, finally realized at 53.Gives me something to get excited about. Thanks again. I do very much enjoy your compassion and wisdom.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          August 25, 2017

          Hi Pam,

          you are very welcome 🙂

          That is wonderful you are shifting and I just know the webinar can help you so much!

          Wonderful you are coming to OZ – such a great time of year to do it!

          Bless Dear Lady and I wish you all the best in joy, life and love.

          Mel xo

  • pdwournell@yahoo.com'
    Pam
    August 23, 2017

    After a more than two decade marriage with a large number of children it was well past time time to throw in the towel. I had little to go on, not much work experience after having been a stay at home mom, no family in the country where I live and little support even from afar anyway. After he got engaged less than a year after divorce (which he also stalled and footdragged about for a while but never once said I love you, I need you etc.) r I remember some casual acquaintance telling me, ” Oh good, now you won’t have to worry about him in his old age.” A therapist said something similar a few years down the road. I was appalled! Are they mad? Does any one ever ask who ‘s going to look after ME? Everyone clamored around HIM to spread the safety net while I had to go it alone in a place that is very conservative and family oreinted, women alone don’t have a leg to stand on.What would I or should I have cared- he was surrounded by extended family ,work mates, plus 9 out of 10 of our mutual friends sided with him with no reason I can fathom. Was I nothing once we split? Had I no identity, personality of my own??.Still plagues me today over ten years later. I had the courage to get up and go put an end to his covert narcissism, yet have taken so much flack and still floundering, financially, emotionally and socially cause I feel I have been excommunicated. My grown kids have also shown their preference to some extent. Nobody really knows what went on, I hid behind the facade for years. He didn’t miss a beat, stayed in same community,etc, just a different horse, who by the way they’ve all embraced. I meanwhile left the town I liked, upped and moved to another city and have not been able to establish a social life.It is much harder to break in after 50 and the mainstream isn’t really open to divorcees. I’ve exhausted being with other women and or going to activities solo, so have pretty much turned into a loner which is a shame since I have an outgoing, friendly personality.

    Long before I’d ever heard of narcissistic abuse I adopted no contact which I think really floored him and bothers my kids too, who don’t get why it is necessary ,why we did not remain ‘friends’. How can I ever tell them the way I suffered? I can’t trash him to their faces. I sure would never have chosen him for a father had I known he was a narc. They are all adults, they see him with wifey while they see me still alone, trying the dating scene which has been horrrendous, what don’t they understand?

    As an aside, Melanie, I may be viisting Melbourne in mid Decemeber 2017. Any chance we could meet? You have my email.

  • theresa458@yahoo.com'
    Theresa
    August 23, 2017

    Melanie:

    Do you have a people helper training or have you thought of doing one? As a a person that has successfully used you healings and a Life Coach I would love to do a discussion group using a formal format.

  • vkthompson7@gmail.com'
    Valerie
    August 23, 2017

    Part of my healing process after 2 back to back romantic entanglements with Narcissist was the discovery of my mother as the original Narcissist in my life. I did everything I could to shut down contact with her which lead to becoming an enemy to the rest of the family. She has people I love in her home, my father, sister, niece & nephew and I now understand why she does this, to serve as a gatekeeper. I try to go over, under & around to still contact & love them but it seemingly impossible to reach out to them without her interjecting herself. Is anyone dealing with the same challenge? Any suggestions?

  • gwen.kaplan@comcast.net'
    Dana Kay
    August 24, 2017

    I wish I had the mindset to leave and heal while still in the relationship, as you suggest. But the problem is that I don’t know if I want to stay or go. He is definitely a narcissist though. I am very dependent on my N spouse. I am working on my self alot. And we have our good times, family times, but, of course, intimacy is missing but there is tremendous familiarity that I am so afraid to lose…that connection. And my daughter is 3 years from going off to college and I am afraid that I need his help with all of that. He is so good in so many ways. He is financially generous, takes care of almost everything in the house, cooks great meals almost every night, doesn’t cheat or lie. He wants more affection from me and I just can’t go there. What should I do? I am so confused.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 24, 2017

      Hi Dana,

      I understand, and it’s not easy.

      The truth is this: If you’re not done, you’re not done yet. And my suggestion would be deep inner healing targeting and releasing the confusion so that there is space for clarity to come.

      Quanta Freedom Healing (The NARP Program) can be worked in that way.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • JBre103950@aol.com'
    JC
    August 24, 2017

    There is No one better than you for healing ourselves and leaving narc partner but,
    once again, I just felt alone listening to this.

    I have left my narc partner, and yes, it was so hard. But I must tell you, there is No comparison
    to dealing with a narc sibling. I know you’ve given lessons about good boundaries, which I have
    done, but I’m telling you, you cannot relate. No leaving when they are in the same town, when
    there are children and cousins, and my other sibs who, though I’ve told my story once, love this
    person and really can’t relate. You use many personal examples with your ex narc partner.
    It would be SO nice to hear from others who have dealt with these issues. How they deal with
    discussing with friends (I chose to not even tell new friends about this but this person couldn’t
    resist introducing themselves.. and it starts again) Then there is the issue of telling boyfriend.

    Either way makes me look bad and I’m sick of it This person has always made boyfriends a target.

    Guess I don’t want to hear how it’s the same situation as with a romantic partner narc. Melanie, it’s not.

  • sheopi@yahoo.co.uk'
    Sophie
    August 24, 2017

    Hi Melanie
    Liked this topic a lot, have been having a break from NARP lately (I think partly as I am feeling saner and partly because I am a lot more hooked than I care to realise) as its painful and hurts to accept that at some point I have to make the final break. I don’t live with him so our lives are fundamentally separate, so when I make as much space as I can it feels OK then I allow myself to believe in our calm communications possibly it can all be OK one day…he has stopped drinking since I last wrote to you too. His brother died in the past month which sobered him and focused him even further than the thought of losing me had. I also found myself delaying the final break because his of this death in his family.

    However I am no longer comfortable in physical intimacy with him (despite the fact that we have a deeply intense and passionate relationship as I think I know the pattern now and that was my weakness in staying with him) and If there is any I feel worse. I can manage a good hug or a good chat and feel safe but don’t feel good doing more than that. Obviously this can’t go on for ever – luckily some travel, children being with us etc has managed to give me some space but it’s the final break I fear – not only for myself, or for the guilt or worry about his perceived vulnerability ( although I know this is probably not as deep and more short lived than my own is although he will be gutted to lose me) but I fear the current calm I have created will explode or implode. I hope that like you say if I can do it calmly and shining brightly this time rather than in shock and disbelief or trauma like previous times then it may be that he just wants me to go quickly like you say. But this also hurts to think I’ll be gone and it’ll all be meaningless what we once had. Although I try to keep in mind his role in highlighting all my areas for development and healing (time and time again!)

    Looking forward to completing the final two modules that I have been avoiding – the last time I tried I could not focus at all – my mind kept fighting it.
    I’ve been crying quite a bit today so maybe that is bringing some acceptance of the grief I feel about ending yet another narcissistic relationship.

    Yours gratefully
    Sophie 😉

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 24, 2017

      Hi Sophie,

      you poor thing – it is so hard when we get to this point.

      It is very true the thing we most need to do is the hardest thing to do.

      None of us should be selling out to less than our truth – and it hurts until we do make the break – which then initially hurts more, but when we meet it and heal, THEN the most spectacular liberation of ourselves follows.

      Please know it is so worth it.

      Sending you many blessings, healing and strength.

      Mel xo

  • amanda.texagal@gmail.com'
    amanda B
    August 25, 2017

    Melanie and healing folk, The N, husband of 23 yrs is making his exit strategy out of our marriage. He opened up a private bank account on his own and explained that for him this is practicing detachement…he assured me he is not planning to leave our marriage .He also said he doesnt’t trust me…You see I am still the Narcissist…makes me wonder if Im nuts after all… just kidding! I know he is full of crap but when will the projecting stop? what should I heal? thanks a bunch. I think it is possible to heal while the N is around but tricky… good luck everyone. Back to the trenches…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 26, 2017

      Hi Amanda B,

      it can be very painful of course when blamed and then they are starting the discard.

      It truly is all about us healing and recovering self.

      Sending healing and blessings for this challenging time ahead, that is the beginning of your real life.

      Mel xo

      • amanda.texagal@gmail.com'
        amanda B
        August 26, 2017

        Thanks lovely lady. This is it , isn’t it ? Discard . He is telling me I have huge psychological problems and need a therapist, to go and get a job but not a shitty one , manipulating the children, financially controlling, wants to talk about sex ( because thats where the source of the trouble is )- I said sure lets talk about sex – about you raping me ” He said 10 sec in 23 yrs , stop playing the martyr …. and at the same time wants to hold my hand after church and see where each of us is in a year – it is a confusing time….. . The Mindfuckery is super intense. I was feeling so much stronger before our retreat…. and now not at all . Im not the Narcissist , am I ??????? God help me , ….. thanks Melanie

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          August 28, 2017

          Hi Amanda,

          it is a mind-bend absolutely.

          This is when dear lady we have to turn inwards and do the work – there is no other way. Target every trigger and mind-bend.

          Because the sanity we are trying to get from them – is the solidness we can only get from within.

          There isn’t anything else to do Amanda.

          Mel xo

  • jbodnar@geomant.com'
    Janos
    August 26, 2017

    Hi Melanie,
    I had an awakening experience about 6 months ago. Since then I feel being whole and realized. That was when real issues started with my relationship. I started to realize that I am living with a person (since 17 years), who is emotionally exploited me, and after doing research I identified her as a covert narcissist, and my previous self as codependant. But all of a sudden I became free from the spell. I developed my boundaries and stopped giving energy of any kind to her.
    But there is something bothering me. In one of your videos you said that these people are actually AIDs, and we should be grateful for them, because they help us to awaken to our traumas and our true selves. If this is the case, didn’t they do a huge sacrifice to accept this role and to dig themselves into the dirt to serve us ultimately? If so, ain’t I responsible after becoming my real me to not to run away but find a way to get them out of their situation?
    Currently I decided to remain passive, keep witholding energy, both positive and negative and see next what her move will be. (I suggested her that we visit a kinesiologist to start finding out what we have here. She did not say either yes or no, and we are in a waiting mode now for over a month. I feel I should wait and see where we going from here (either giving it a try or she leaves me).
    Can you share your thoughts on these with me please?
    Thank You,
    Janos

  • Moofbh@aol.com'
    Rose mok
    August 26, 2017

    I am ending a going on 31 years of marriage to a narcissist. I discovered strictly by accident last year that he was having not one, but two affairs. One with a married women, the other a single girl 20 years younger than him.
    Of course he blamed me for the affairs, and the destruction of the marriage, but much of it stemmed from his business going down hill, and him not looking for a job. He preferred to cheat to make himself feel better while I struggled to get my business going to bring in money, because he wasn’t,

    I have two big concerns.
    1.) how do I continue to live with him in the same house while the divorce continues? We have a pre-trial date set for two months from now. I cannot leave the house because I cannot trust what he’ll do, and I need to be here to watch him. I have found out about more of his lies, stealing, hiding money, etc. It is very hard to be in his energy and try to heal myself and move on. I’m in limbo!

    2.) My other huge concern is how I am hearing way too many horror stories how these guys win in court. They have narcissist atty.’s (which my husband also has) who tell the judge lies, and untruths about the wife making her look like the bad guy. I am scared to death that I will not get my fair share of what I deserve in the financial split. I am 60 years old and starting over. Never worked full time the entire 30 years married to him, raising 3 kids, 2 with disabilities. I am scared to death he will pull. Any of the things he’s threatened to do to me and I will walk away with nothing. Where would I start to rebuild my life?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 28, 2017

      Hi Rose,

      My heart goes out to you – this is very painful.

      Rose now this is calling you to be able to be as calm and solid as possible – which of course is so difficult under these circumstances but is doable.

      Rose please come into my next webinar which helps show you HOW to detach, take the power back to you and be as solid and whole as possible in such circumstances.

      Nothing calls for that more than in times when we feel least likely to be able to achieve that.

      Here is how to be in the webinar: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Also are you connected to my free resources? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freestarterpackage ?

      I know it will feel like you need to do all you can to keep an eye on him, yet I promise you that your salvation lies in healing and making you stronger. The rebuild of your life and what he is capable of pulling will all be in your best favor by doing so.

      I hope these resources can help.

      Mel xo

  • Jodybuck63@me.com'
    Jody
    August 27, 2017

    Plz help. I’m so confused. Short background. My husband of 26 years died and 4 months later I was involved when M, who is 28 yrs younger. Last 4 yrs he’s moved out 5 times, been abusive both verbally and physically, gotten involved with his ex and told me I had to except her as part of our life, I’ve lost all my friends and now I’m completely alone. I started the process to move to another state for a fresh start. He convinced me to stay here and work it out with him. We spent the next week having sex and texting. Less than a week later he had a terrible motorcycle accident and lost his leg. After coming out of the coma, he spent the first couple of days telling me he loved me and I was the one for him. Told him I’d stand by his side and care for him. Third day after coming out of the coma he told his dad, not me, that he didn’t want me to come to the hospital anymore!?!? He didn’t even tell me himself. It’s been two weeks since he has been able to communicate and I’ve not heard one word from him. WTF?? Is he a narc? Do I run for my life now or assume he’s just concerned with his own issues? Am I being too self centered? I’m so confused…

  • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
    Stephen
    August 27, 2017

    My ex really wasn’t a perpetual liar, what she did was constant gaslighting to avoid telling the truth.

  • amandeep_kang@yahoo.com'
    Mommy_4
    September 6, 2017

    Hi I have been married for 18 years and I got married when I was 18. I have four children 9,10,14,15. I just realized what I have been going through was abuse when it was happening I had no idea.Its when I got pushed to a point that I could hurt myself not even have any thoughts for my children that someone could have that power over me, that’s when I had to get help. I start group classes next week and my end goal is to leave but everyday I overthink and say no it will be ok until I realize when he comes home it won’t be ok I feel sick to my stomach when I see him. I have been so gulliable and allowed him to get me to open credit cards and put charges on them and now I’m in debt of $10.000 and he won’t pay any of the bills and it’s been 6 months. He has ruined my credit and withholds money from me to control me. I have a part time job I earn a little but not enough to take care of my Children to give them a good life. I’m trying to be smart (I don’t think I am) and figure out a plan but it’s so hard especially when you have time. Time can be your friend and enemy at the same time because having time gives you time to change your mind back and forth and I hate that.This is not the life I wanted for me and my children.

  • ayrdawn@bigpond.com'
    Dawn
    September 7, 2017

    Hello Melanie, I have left twice in the past month only to have come back because of no money. I have been trying to heal myself so watching your video is wonderful because I was really feeling trapped. I need to heal more & get my finances sorted. I have been so down on myself & telling him I will do anything to keep us together but I wasn’t home for 2 days when we were driving somewhere &I had forgotten something which we needed & I had to turn back, mind you we were only a couple of minutes away from home & he’s at me and at me that he told me not to forget the damn thing &I did. He stormed out of the car carrying on & on a first in the car I felt awful but as soon as I got the thing I’d forgotten & in the car on my own felt great & knew I have to go again soon. In bed there it is your video & yes I know to heal first & then go. I have been married 37 years & have been working for the last 4 years to get everything sorted before I go. I’m nearly there only a bit to do & keep on healing. I really don’t like him at all. I am trapped with him he doesn’t let me out of his site. We have always worked our own businesses. I have no me time but have managed me time even when he’s around. I am lucky to have a friend that has stayed around. He was friends with both of us & really was a little lost when we met him so he was around a fair bit so saw what was going on by the time my husband started at him I thought oh god he won’t stay but he said to my husband, while looking at me ‘you can’t get rid of me that easy I’m staying, na, na, na.’
    I was relieved but my husband is very horrible to him & it won’t be long & he’ll be gone. I’ve asked my friend why he stayed & he said ‘ I’m not stupid, I can see what’s going on.’ His girlfriend doesn’t like that we’re friends so that’s another reason why he won’t be around for long but this man has really helped me to get to know myself more & not worry about anything especially as I’m always in trouble & everything is always my fault.
    I must ask but why does my husband stay with me even though everything about me he hates?
    I’ve always thought that I have a psychological problem that I can’t leave but why doesn’t he?
    Anyway thank you for being there for me. When I googled a few of his traits a few years ago, I absolutely couldn’t believe that there was a name for him. I did a questioner & answered 98 out of 100 so I knew what he was, a narcissist.
    I was already into my first full on year of trying to sort out myself & leave so it was nice putting a name to him.
    When I left a couple of days ago I had to ring my sister to help me as I had no money, I told her what he was she said don’t be sill go back. I don’t want to worry my daughter but did tell her I left again & asked her if she could lend me a little, her husband said no. I have managed to get everything I own to squash in the car & my 2 dogs, as much as he says he loves our dogs I know he’ll kill them if I left them. I went to a free camping but needed money. I have just managed now to finish our tax, I will get it to the accountant tomorrow & go to get help by going on the dole, we don’t earn enough now to survive. I am nearly there & must get off here now because he’s coming. Thank you for your help especially as it’s free.

    • ayrdawn@bigpond.com'
      Dawn
      September 7, 2017

      He’s just come in ranting and raving that I must have done something because he’s just lost internet connection.
      Yes I’m in bed, I just sidled down to get a bit more comfortable, of course it was me but I must be a magician because for me to touch the internet I would have to get out of bed. He’s now looking in my cupboard for a headache tablet knowing they are in the medicine cabinet

  • spotsit@gmail.com'
    Spot
    September 7, 2017

    I realized that I needed to live with my mom for a while so I can heal from her (she’s a covert narc). This seems like an oxymoron
    yet it was definitely how it has worked for me. I needed to heal enough from the inside in order to detach and let her go in a
    healthy way. It was the only way for me. And yes, I have been able to manage the narcissistic debris for a while, while I have
    been healing. And soon it will be time for me to move on… And keep mom in my life in a different way, a more distant way.
    I am ready to grow up and let her go now. I accept she won’t be the mom I needed…
    You re so right that leaving while I am empowered is so much better.
    I have been taking my power back and feeling so much more detached. I work on me. I love me now. I don t wait for mom to love me anymore.

  • missmollyrose0@gmail.com'
    Rosie
    September 29, 2017

    Hi Melanie,
    I have just discovered your website today and have been reading for the last 5 hours! This site is a revelation for me.
    My doting, devoted, faithful, charismatic, charming, kind, considerate, handsome, family oriented and ‘charming to all my friends and family’ husband of 25 years has turned full circle in to a devil.
    In March this year I discovered he has been having an 12 month ongoing affair with a prostitute in Thailand, (he is 65, she is 34) meeting her when he is going on his golfing trip (4 times a year) to Asia. I found out when I caught him talking to her on his second mobile phone. I was shattered and heartbroken, my world crumbled around me when I heard his ‘baby Thai’ talk to her – including ‘I love you so much!” He was resentful, blamed me and my family and past childhood events for pushing him into the affair as he ‘just cracked under all the pressure I and my family put him under to look after us after my father died’. Since then our marriage is on hold as he needs to ‘clear his mind’ from all the past hurt I have inflicted on him – he doesn’t want to leave me and manipulates me emotionally into staying with him ‘ ‘to give him more time to decide’. I should stand by him to get over the traumas and if I dare ask how long will this take he loses his cool. “Don’t pressure me!! It could take 2 weeks, it could take 2 years!” Also, the only place to ‘clear his head” is on a golf course in Asia.
    I feel so frightened, insecure, in limbo and totally don’t trust him, he has been my life for 25 years, but, like many of your readers, I am in my mid fifties with slim employment options and a totally enmeshed financial and family life with him. I am hoping your website will help me heal and understand my dependance on him, which I think relates to my dependance on my grounded, stable family life, particularly my father.
    Anyway, can I ask you question? my husband seemed to be totally besotted and obsessed with the Thai girl! – to the point he was going to leave me for her after knowing her for 3 weeks. How does a narcissist become so besotted? I feel it is because she is totally submissive and adoring to him, something he craves – respectability and adoration, and she ‘babies him” (his words) and swoons all over him. But this is what a Thai girl would do for ANY stupid, rich, old western man! How can he not se HE is being manipulated and used for the life he will provide for her. He is cool, reserved and often condescending to me, says he does not love me but ‘cares for me deeply’! What is that about? Control? Hedging his bets incase ThaiGF doesn’t work out? He keeps me on a hook and jerks it when he feels like he is losing me or plays any number of ‘victim tactics.’ Never once saying sorry for hurting me or having an affair. My self esteem is about zero, although finding this site I feel hopeful..
    Sorry for the long rave, I hope you can explain the flip, but most confusingly to me, the obsession to the Thai, or is this a change of target, to satisfying his Altruistic Narc need to be adored and provide and help someone else?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 1, 2017

      Hi Rosie,

      my heart goes out to you … the situation you are in is very painful.

      Please know when narcissistic individuals, or and just those seeking ego feed and relief from inner pain – external new attention provides an “incredible high”.

      This may help explain: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-is-narcissistic-supply/

      What is so important for you is healing yourself back to relief and wholeness to generate and create your life – regardless of what he decides.

      I’d love to help you with that Rosie, and please make sure that you are subscribed to my 16-day free course … it has so much information in there to help you http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freestarterpackage

      Sending blessings and strength.

      Mel xo

  • chantellemua@icloud.com'
    Chantelle
    November 15, 2017

    Hi Melanie

    I’ve been with a narcissist for nearly 3 yrs but only realised he was narcissistic in the past 6months. I even went to therapy and had him attend a couple of sessions so he could tell the therapist what was wrong with me! Now I look back I cringe and realise that this was really feeding his narcissistic supply.

    So I am at the starting point to heal my inner self but I am not yet strong or ready to leave him. So I wanted to ask is it normal to feel more stressed as I go through this process? Because I am thinking about things that I have not thought about before. Is this all part of the healing? I’m suffering with bad anxiety, headaches and weight loss I’m actually underweight so I really need to do this now.

    Kind regards

    Bella xx UK

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 16, 2017

      Hi Chantelle,

      it certainly is normal for it to feel worse as we try to leave and when we do actually leave.

      The relief really only starts to come when we turn inwards and start loving and healing our traumatized parts back to wholeness. And, I really recommend connecting to that focus, that as soon as you can, to help support what you need to get through in this challenging time.

      Chantelle, have you connected to my Free resources yet?There is so much in there that can help you – especially the free Webinar.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      That is my highest suggestion for you right now and I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

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