Melanie Tonia Evans

Does The Narcissist Know What He Or She Is Doing?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 24
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

When I was in relationships with narcissists I was numb in disbelief, at the things they are capable of doing…

I am sure you can relate.

Maybe you have asked yourself – Do narcissists know what they are doing? Do narcissist’s know how they hurt people?

I hear these questions all the time.

The answer is not really simple – because I believe the answer is ‘yes’ and ‘no’…and also I believe there is grey area where we may not know the answer at times.

Before I get to the answer I want to explain to you how a narcissist’s mind operates and why they do what they do.

 

The False Self

The biggest mistake that we can ever make when trying to understand how narcissistic people operate is to assign our lens of ‘normal human behaviour’ onto what they do.

This is like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

The narcissist operates through a False Self which is an egoic construction. The False Self is the ultimate defence mechanism which avoids self. The False Self as an intense egoic construction seeks significance, approval and energy from ‘the outside’.

The False Self is incredibly insecure – its maintenance depends on getting regular ‘reminders’ that it is worthy, of value, and is acceptable. The truth is a False Self has no ability to create or maintain these feelings for itself – it is an empty shell that forever needs ‘filling’, and it cannot receive outer information, settle on it and be ‘solidly’ at peace with this information. This is why narcissists are constantly in need of narcissistic supply.

If an individual knows who they are and does love and accept themself then they are able to detach from other people’s assessments – because this person is not precariously reliant on their approval or validation.

The False Self has no ‘buffer’ of self-worth or self-acceptance to be criticised. Narcissist’s don’t and can’t detach from other people’s assessment of them. They are totally susceptible to feedback from the outer world to establish ‘an identity’. And this is WHY it is so critical for a narcissist to ensure, create and maintain the type of narcissist supply that will allow him or her to repeatedly create a version of faux self-worth that is bearable.

If it can’t be approval – fear will do. To make sure someone is severely affected by the narcissist is valuable supply because it validates that the narcissist exists.

Know this – narcissists do not create their world healthily from their Inner Being unfolding out into life – their world is distorted, it is turned inside out – it operates from the outside in.

Because of this distortion the narcissist’s brain wiring is maladapted (mutated) to accommodate the False Self. What this means is the narcissist’s mind – to protect the narcissist from narcissistic injury when triggered (which is regular) – takes distorted pathways rather than thinking ‘normally’.

The intense ‘natural’ reaction for the narcissist is non-accountability.

To feel ‘wrong’ whilst trying to desperately prop up trying to ‘feel good enough’ is agonising. This has been the case for the narcissist from a very early age. In fact this is the very reason that the narcissist collapsed his or her True Self and created a False Self in its place. This was the ultimate defence mechanism to NOT feel the self-annihilating inner emotional pain and powerlessness or NOT being acceptable.

At this point (as hard as it may be for you depending where you are at with your own healing) you may be able to have some compassion for a narcissist – because he or she was the product of abuse or / and being engulfed by a parent or role model. So severe was the emotional pain, that he or she ‘split’ from the True Self, disowned it and replaced it with the only defence mechanism available at a young age to stop the emotional pain – the False Self, which was a childish, pathological grandiose version of ‘self’ to avoid this pain.

The ego is everyone’s reaction as the first line of defence against fear and pain (until learning to dissolve the ego and behave more consciously). However, with narcissists this has reached the level of personality takeover. It is the only function that the narcissist now has available, because the True Self is so stunted and disowned that it no longer operates.

When triggered with feelings of insecurity the narcissist’s brain impulses fire off down the pathways of emotional survival – which is non-accountability. The narcissist’s perceptions are literally distorted. Sam Vaknin describes is as ‘remote viewing’ whereby the narcissist is observing what he or she is doing yet cannot really connect to it. I have heard another narcissist described it as watching a car crash from afar, as if ‘numb’ and disconnected when acting out narcissistic malicious rage.

We need to understand however someone’s brain perceives things is that particular person’s ‘reality’. We all know that several people may witness an event and all have a different version of what took place. Each person views the event through their own unique lens of life.

 

The Bizzare Twists and Turns

When operating in defence mechanisms (emotional survival to a narcissist) if something the narcissist did could potentially receive criticism the narcissist quickly switches into  being non-accountable, and projecting and deflecting the blame somewhere else.

What we know as ridiculous correlations, childish excuses, bizarre tat for tat retaliations, the creation of phony allies, malicious unrelated dredging up of the past, extreme out of proportion umbrage and pathological lies is all very valid to the narcissist. It is his or her brain latching on to some way to escape accountability, being ‘wrong’ and suffering emotional annihilation.

This is why we have all seen narcissists defend their arguments and twist and turn like a pretzel, and we got hooked into insane conversations that we believe no rational adult would ever have. All whilst the narcissist, like an angry five year old, vehemently defends (what we believe to be) ludicrous and mentally deranged points.

I guess you can read by my description of these events that I have (to my detriment) participated in way too many of these conversations with narcissistic partners…

Phew – thank goodness never again! I’ve only ever been close to two people that converse and behave like this, and if I ever got a whiff of it again you know what I’d do!

Yep – big thanks but no thanks….

So really the truth is we are looking at the narcissist like he or she has all of a sudden morphed into an alien with two heads – in utter dismay of ‘how obvious facts are’ and ‘how obvious really poor, immature out of bounds behaviour is’ – yet TRULY the narcissist is clueless. His or her brain pathways are simply doing what they are doing as ‘programmed’ to do.

The harder we push the point – the more the narcissist acts out.

 

How Can Something That Doesn’t Exist Do Something Wrong?

It’s also important to understand a very good point Sam Vaknin also makes, which is: How can a False Self – which is not real – have done anything wrong? How can it be held accountable?

The False Self is a ‘shield’ for the narcissist. He or she is numb and strangely detached from the False Self and it really doesn’t feel like him or her. The narcissist truly can’t attach to the emotion of being the False Self.

The False Self is a mirage, and the narcissist has trouble connecting to having done something wrong. In fact the narcissist deeply feels like a victim. He or she is the one that feels wronged – and believes it is outrageous to be held accountable.

We need to realise that the narcissist’s version of ‘being ‘wronged’ is way different from our ‘normal’ human version of ‘being wronged’.

The narcissist is incredibly insecure (no inner True Self resources) therefore any criticism real or imagined is of enormous negative impact to the narcissist. In fact the association of the slight with previous unhealed traumas magnifies the event incredibly out of proportion.

The narcissist does not have the True Self resources to heal any of the original wounds (they are all disowned and have been categorised in ‘some way’ egoically to avoid them instead), put current or future events into perspective, and does not have the ability to NOT harbour, sit on things and / or react and blow ‘what someone else did’ hugely out of proportion.

Imagine a young child who suffers a negative comment and acts like it is the ‘end of the world’. That is exactly what is going on for the adult narcissist. His or her emotional intelligence has been stunted significantly somewhere between 5 and 7 years of age. Yet this is much more dangerous than a child. Obviously adults can act out maliscious  resentment and revenge much more devestatingly than a child.

Additionally children live in the moment, get over ‘slights’ and carry on in life. Narcissists don’t.

The narcissist is never ‘in the moment’. He or she is a product of intense unhealed wounds from the past that continue to gnaw relentlessly (these ignored wounds have been screaming for attention for decades to be healed and are simply NOT going away), and the anxiety of being able to secure adequate narcissistic supply in the future in order to avoid emotional annihilation.

Harbouring wounds and being hyper vigilant to triggers is the narcissist’s defence arsenal which the False Self is not prepared to let go of. To not be alert to attack or being able to keep ‘one-up’ (on step ahead of threats) means being vulnerable – which is unthinkable to the narcissist’s False Self.

So now you may be able to realise why on earth the narcissist is sprouting ‘how bad you are’ in relation to the horrendous stuff that has gone down. Stuff which you could not have even thought of doing , let alone executed. Yet you are the bad one?

Yes – from our version of reality this is insane. From the narcissist’s version of ‘reality’ you did something terrible and the narcissist was simply doing what was necessary as a defence, and then when forced into accountability somehow projected what he or she did as something YOU did.

You need to realise that the narcissist truly, when he or she thought these thoughts (justifications) a few times, stated it to other people (the usual smear campaigns) then to the narcissist his or her versions are real.

I know that is frightful but there it is…

For you to convince him or her your version of truth is genuine you would have to rewire the narcissist’s brain!

This is why after believing the narcissist gets it, within minutes, hours, a few days, weeks or months you will have conversations about this topic that the narcissist finally agreed to – and then you discover all of that is now out the window.

The narcissist has defaulted back to his or her original version – everything else was simply fluff.

Is it any wonder you have felt like you are losing your mind and are totally traumatised? This is why trying to reason with a narcissist, get safety, stability, understanding or ‘normality’ is about as self-damaging as lying yourself down on a busy freeway.

It is quite simply an exercise of soul-destroying insanity.

 

Even More Twists and Turns

Now for all the distortions and defence mechanisms in the brain wiring, we have to remember that narcissists are built on survival mechanisms. Narcissists have the ability to know when ‘not to blow’ from triggers and put on a mask and present Mr or Ms Wonderful instead.

Much worse for a narcissist than being triggered by a ‘slight’ is being seen by the outside world as ‘flawed’. Therefore the narcissist is adept at creating the perfect persona with people who are not as intimate as those who have been engulfed into the narcissist’s inner circle of influence. It is the people ’on the inside’ who are highly susceptible to abuse.

The narcissist simply cannot hold his or her mask up indefinitely, and sonner or later it will slip. Then it slips more and more, because the narcissist soon discovers that when he or she acts narcissistically this ensures masses of attention (narcissistic supply).

If you haven’t left the narcissist for good, and instead stay and react – your reaction to the warped narcissistic behaviour grants the narcissist the knowing that he or she exists, is alive and is ‘significant’. This is A-Grade narcissistic supply.

It also gives the narcissist added avenues of supply by going to his or her peeps stating how deranged, manic and abusive you are. Any evidence of you ‘losing it’ (totally understandable) will be presented to others to gain their attention and sympathy.

It’s also a wonderful way to hook in exes for supply (including sex, comfort and commiseration) thinking they may have a chance with the narcissist again, who of course is presenting him or herself as an ‘option’ in order to gain narcissistic supply.

If you have left the narcissist and have decided you are done with the abuse, the narcissist may become incredibly accountable. The problem is with narcissists – this just does not hold.

I have done sessions with narcissists in deep narcissistic injury due to the loss of their relationships and they have been startlingly accountable. However as soon as they start getting ‘well’ again – the False Self comes back up and the twisted reality reinstates where the previous humility was.

My question is – Was the accountability true in narcissistic injury? Or was it just a ploy to gain energy in order to feel better and reinstate the False Self again?

Sam Vaknin believes the answer is the second statement, and that narcissists are not interested in dissolving the ego and healing their True Self. He upholds it is always about the narcissist’s one true master – The False Self.

The point is I really don’t know the answer, and I know I certainly am not going to drive myself crazy trying to work out narcissists for another minute of my life. As far as I am concerned the answer is irrelevant. What is relevant is the cycles and the behaviour of non-accountability and repeat out-of-bounds abuse continues, and is totally unacceptable in my life.

 

Narcissists Being Narcissists

Narcissists know they are amoral – they purposefully hide their adulterous, pathological and underhand malicious behaviour through lies and deception. They are street wise enough to know the repercussions of being caught out are not advantageous to their agenda. However, if they don’t need to bother to hide the behaviour, and can get the same agenda fulfilled, they won’t.

Life for a narcissist must be exhausting – operating through so many tactics, continually monitoring narcissistic supply, having to be a chameleon and wear so many different ‘hats’ in order to gain supply, and being on-guard, hyper vigilant and reacting to triggers in order to constantly regulate narcissistic supply – so we can assume that any shortcuts to having to expend energy for the necessary payoff is welcomed.

A narcissist simply can’t relax and just be content to be him or herself, because there is no True Self.

Because narcissist’s brains are wired in this way of ‘me versus you’ and needing to use pathological tactics to get by, they truly suspect everyone else is doing the same thing. Narcissists have no ability to trust or feel supported by anyone.

Just as we have no model to fathom how narcissists operate, they have no model to fathom how we operate.

Narcissists don’t ‘get’ the virtues of conscience, reverence and respecting people as worthy enough to honour and consider. The truth is they simply do not have the capacity to care about other people enough to not act the way they do. It’s actually not purposefully malicious, or personal – in as far as being a ‘sadist’ – it is simply how they think they have to operate in order to survive.

Narcissists need to feed off people to survive – pure and simple.

I hope this has helped answer this question ‘Does the narcissist know what he or she is doing?’ You may need to digest this article several times.

Please remember as always what is hugely important for your recovery is to use this information for what it is fully intended, which is to help you get your focus off the narcissist, and let go of what he or she is, or what he or she had done and firmly take the responsibility to work on healing your unhealed parts and create your own incredible life.

Because if you don’t, you will remain stick in the vibration and the ‘yuk’ of narcissism, whereas your entire goal is to empower yourself and leave narcissism far, far behind where it will never need to be your reality again.

I would love to hear your comments, and please for my sake (I am very committed to maintaining my own healthy vibration) and everyone’s sake in the community, I would much prefer it if we don’t share the details of the ‘war stories’ of the narcissist’s pathological non-accountable behaviour (we have all been through them identically – all narcissist’s do the same stuff) and that we kept our focus on our own healing and empowerment as much as possible.

My truth is a narcissist free reality filled with joy, love, personal growth and gratitude – and I want to truly inspire you to heal, purge the narcissist and live the same way.

 

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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355 Thoughts on Does The Narcissist Know What He Or She Is Doing?
  • raeannerose@gmail.com'
    Raeanne
    May 15, 2013

    Thank you so much for this blog! I can totally relate and am sure others can too. You are teaching me information I wish I knew years ago. I suppose if I had listened to my intuition I may have leaned before this.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Raeanne,

      you are so very welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

      • dalene38@yahoo.com'
        Dalene O'Donnell
        June 4, 2013

        I am currently residing with a narcissist and trying to break free from his control. I have been with him eight years! I can’t believe it myself. What a rollercoaster ride! I am making plans on moving out soon, and hope that I do this time. Your emails help me a lot, and I’m so glad I found you online.

        Thanks!

        Dalene

      • lorigossett5@yahoo.com'
        lori gossett
        February 22, 2016

        My husband is everything I just read- thank you for this article – it helps me in my quest to know it isn’t me….that what he says and does is horrible and not made up in my head. However, I have had 3 beautiful, smart children (who feel about him the same as you describe) – I worry how this will effect them into adulthood – my hope is they will see the signs in a potential mate and go running the other direction.

        I have read that narcissism could be hereditary – as my husbands father and most of his siblings have the same behavior? Are my children at risk?

        • eucarmen@hotmail.com'
          Casia
          December 8, 2016

          It is hereditary in a small percentage, it has more to do with the environment they grew up in.

      • 007resheil@gmail.com'
        Gina
        March 14, 2017

        I come from a family riddled with narcissists. A narcissistic father, brother, and now adult daughter. I’ve learned to “field” them since childhood. It’s very lonely being around them and my brain became hard wired to feeling very sad because the unrelenting nasty behaviour exhibited kept me locked into feeling sad. I grew up and realised u had been chronically anxious and depressed since the age of 7. Finally diagnosed with endogenous depression, I’m in Efexor 150 mg a day for the rest of my life.
        I steer clear of narcissists as u recognise them before committing to a relationship male or female. However, my heartbreak over my adult daughter’s display of narcissistic traits cuts deep. She’s been so unloving and dismissive of me I’ve had to “let go of her” but it hurts, really hurts to have been forced to do so, in order to stop the hurtful behaviour. I’ve had to resort to “no access” tactics and move on. I’ve abandoned my own flesh and blood in order to survive! I don’t believe she will ever believe that I love her But u don’t like her.
        What advice, if any, can u give me?
        Gina

        • staceydevereaux@gmail.com'
          MichelleD
          March 31, 2017

          Gina,
          I have several narcissists in my family as well, a 59 year old brother, a 62 year old sister, and a 30 year old daughter. Let me just say it has been incredibly difficult dealing with all of them as you well know. The brother and sister are minimal contact but I couldn’t do that to my daughter so I needed to find a better solution where we could actually relate on a mental and emotionally healthy level.

          My strategy:
          Identify the core issue of the conflicts.
          What was the trigger that set my daughter into defense and attack mode? A consistent pattern emerged – any perceived slight or criticism. She would then get highly emotional, angry, and verbally attack me.
          How did I used to respond? Poorly. I did not defend my boundaries, I allowed her to verbally abuse me. I was NOT being a mom and correcting her bad behavior. Adult or not, she is still my child and her behavior was that of a 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum. I had been conditioned to walk on eggshells for fear of upsetting her. What was really happening is that she was embarrassed at her behavior and knew it was wrong and didn’t respect me because I allowed her to get away with it. You can’t let her go that far. You have to learn what boundaries are, especially as a mother. Your boundaries are different than that of a friend, your boundaries are even stricter, especially when it comes to matters dealing with her father. She may be bringing up things her father said as ammunition against you and those issues are off limits, period. Let me be clear, she has no right to question you about anything. You need to state that you don’t have to answer that question. If you want to explain things to her at another time where clarification and understanding of an issue needs to be addressed, that’s up to you but certainly not in the heat of the moment. Remain calm, you are the mom, she is the child and your standard of behavior is setting the tone and is the example. Don’t defend or counter back. Don’t yell, don’t argue. Remember your status, you are the mom, you must be the mature one here. If she wants to act and say ridiculous things to you, she hates herself for it, she knows it’s abuse, she knows it’s mistreatment. What she can’t understand is why you are so weak that you are letting her get away with it! She wants you to set boundaries! In a nutshell she wants and needs discipline. Remember, she is not your equal and she never will be.Yes, she may be an adult but she isn’t acting like one and she’s angry because she can’t control herself. Reparenting where the parenting failed is what she needs. It’s not too late but you have to be very aware of your boundaries. Write them down, memorize them. If she violates one of your boundaries, firmly and calmly tell her you do not have to answer that question, tell her no, or whatever is appropriate for that violation. Do not waiver or vacillate, do not get distracted, do not engage in her diversionary tactics and stay on topic. Most of all, don’t let it go so far that you both are throwing out hurtful and angry comments. Walk away if necessary, but do not engage, if you do you have just lowered yourself to her level and that’s the worst place a parent can be.

          As your daughter is an adult and living her own life, let her come to you. Let her miss you, reach out to you. When she does, keep it light and fun. Be happy for her, be uplifting. Be her cheerleader. Give lots of hugs, tell her you love her. Be affectionate, be loving. Then end your visit and leave her alone until she seeks you out again. Adult children dislike intrusive and nagging moms.

          Signed,
          Been there done that
          & now I know better
          Mom

      • Ilovechaseryder@gmail.com'
        Heather Jones
        June 11, 2019

        Thank you so much for this information after everything that I have read it is the most useful and helpful. If there is any chance that you would be able please talk with me it would be amazing. After 6 years of heartbreak and hurt and a 4 year old son together I am FINALLY coming to terms with the fact that the love of my life and father of mt child is what I think a narsasist. I REALLY want to help him and told him about narsazizm and going to therapy etc. I have more quesrions then answers if there is any way at all that you could respond to me please it would be amazing. Thank YOU.

    • lovejenniferlove@gmail.com'
      jennifer
      May 15, 2013

      This is simply the best, most explanatory, most revelatory, most honest, most understandable article on N I have ever read. It explains the unexplainable – in a calm and objective way – god if only narcissists could read and understand it too! It captures every twist and turn, very nuance of the behaviour that drove me crazy – and yes it instils a sense of compassion (that I think is dangerous in a way) but in accepting responsibility for what happened – and healing myself and moving on – all the things you mention at the end- then I feel I have to forgive him- and when I feel forgiveness – I feel compassion – and that worries me because then – despite everything I have been through,what I know, with that compassion is a reminder of the love I felt for him – if it was love..Melanie – if you have an explanation for this – well I would be so grateful.
      Thanks for all your hard work – I have found it so, so helpful. xxx

      • beachbum@optilink.us'
        Tammy
        May 15, 2013

        Yes, I would like to know what Jennifer is asking as well. If you have an explanation of what she does when the forigiveness and compassion sets in.

      • grollalion@yahoo.com'
        Laura G
        May 16, 2013

        I think compassion is dangerous, too. Can you address that in an article Melanie? I think our compassion and integrity make us prime steak to the narcissist!

        Also, why are there so many narcissists? My father, my mother’s father, and three of the men I’ve been with–possibly two of my sisters–its like an epidemic! Is it our selfish culture? Entitlement? What? Strange at how many fellow sufferers there are.

        • neringa.atkinson@gmail.com'
          Neringa
          May 16, 2013

          Compassion is what makes us human, and it itself is not dangerous. What can make compassion dangerous to our emotional (and sometimes physical) well-being is when it is coupled with a lack of boundaries on our part.

          The goal should be not so much to ditch compassion in order to preserve our own sanity, especially in the face of narc abuse, but to cultivate compassion coupled with detachment.

          After all, let’s not sacrifice our own humanity because we’ve been abused through our compassion. Stay compassionate, but also allow for strong boundaries that will enable you to hang on to your humanity AND sanity.

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            May 16, 2013

            What is vital – is to become a whole and empowered Source to Self – which is what happens when we dedicate to our own healing and recovery…

            Then we can have compasssion without it ‘being a excuse’ to give the narcissist another try or stay attached – which is what happens when we are still unhealed enough to be in the trauma bonding of believing it is ‘love’, that we are ‘missing’ the narcissist – ot that we cannot create a great life without him or her…

            Neringa is right – that when we can heal ourself and be ‘whole’ in our energy – then it is wonderfully human, liberating and healthy to have compassion – but certainly not by staying attached..

            Mel xo

          • kellijeanpress@gmail.com'
            Anonymous
            May 23, 2018

            This. !!! 🙏🏻 I needed to read this today. Thanks for your comment.

        • maryvogt0831@gmail.com'
          Mary Vogt
          August 27, 2017

          Seriously!! I wonder if it’s our codependency? I worked through mine with therapy, but have it as a result of being raised by 2 narcissist parents – or possibly one narc & one borderline. Cluster B’s at any rate … and have had way too many narc boyfriends and now figuring out a few of my 7 siblings are narcs. Ugh. They say there are not that many of them but to me they are a magnet. I am super compassionate, and somewhat gullible, but also tough. I attract them like no one’s business, to the point where I have gone no contact with one sibling and many ex-‘friends’ and have to really watch for signs. I only started really studying this a year ago though after the sibling I cut off attacked me verbally for the last time for absolutely no reason. I feel bad because I set her up with her wife, and her wife is a good person, but now I see her as someone with Stockholm Syndrome. So I feel a tad guilty about that. In any case, yeah, society seems to have no shortage of them.

      • sharontabaka@yahoo.com'
        Sharon
        November 2, 2015

        I echo Jennifer’s sentiment. I can’t thank you enough for the most informative article – and the timing is absolutely perfect!

    • cinabun00@yahoo.com'
      Dee
      May 15, 2013

      Not sure if I’m posting in the right place, but on point as usual Melanie! I’m in the very later stages of healing….but getting reminders of why I made the right decision to leave a year ago is very reassuring, so thank you.

    • kelikirosekelley@aol.com'
      kelley
      May 16, 2013

      I am so thankful you are here for us Melanie! You are so helpful in understanding this twisted behavior.I now know i am not the “crazy” one. It will take me a while to bounce back and want to be in a relationship again.Its been 9 months apart and still i am reminded daily of the abuse and hurt I endured and quite frankly accepted…I hope i can find the courage to try again, but as for now, i feel like no one would REALLY want to be with ME! sad i know… what can I do?

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        May 16, 2013

        HI Kelley,

        that ‘what can I do’ answer is the same one – do NARP…

        That will heal your unhealed parts that led to abusive relationships – as well as what is contributing to the neediness for one now, and fear that you can’t create one or won’t have one.

        The way through to relationship has to start with you healing and falling in love with you…NARP is the first step after being narcissistically abused to do that.

        Mel xo

    • melinda.l.friday@gmail.com'
      Melinda
      May 16, 2013

      Melanie, I am recently questioning whether or not the man that caused me such distress and hurt by his behavior was a narc. He used to tell me that that I couldn’t handle his son’s melt downs because his son had aspbergs. …. now i am finding out that aspergs is herititary… to the outside world who knows little about aspergs (like myself), they could be confused…what do you know of the difference…i’m not ruling out he could have been an AS with narc tendencies….Thanks for your thoughts.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        May 16, 2013

        Hi Melinda,

        I think what is vital is to not split straws..

        Abuse is abuse…does the person want to get better, take full responsibility and is this person committed to working on his unhealed parts that create his behviour…

        If not – regardless of what ‘is the cause’ – there is NO hope…

        That is the important point..

        Mel xo

        • kidsblossom@aol.com'
          Teri
          May 17, 2013

          Wow! I am so thankful for your work! I am so humbled to finally know the truth about narcisist behavior. My healing is truly a process! I was a young widow when I met and married my narcan with my young son. The narc manipulated for 27 years almost all of my estate money. Thought I was the crazy one and could never get validation for umbelievable abusive behavior to manipulate and take from my ypung son and I

    • meredithleanne7@gmail.com'
      meredith morris
      May 16, 2013

      I feel stronger and stronger each day and more empowered after reading your blogs and soo look forward to them. I have forgiven him and am so healing myself, but do feel so saddened for these souls….but will not take him back! I have made leaps and bounds about my life and me since December 23 2012. I am so glad I googled enough to find you! Thank You! Love Meredith

    • jessbricht@gmail.com'
      Jessica
      May 17, 2013

      Melanie,

      I look forward to receiving your blog articles. You are able to articulate and make sense of something that has been so confusing in my life. Thank you so much. You describe my experience and I know you are right about the path to healing–focus on myself and my own healing… working on it. I tend to get into a self-blame place where I should have known, should have responded (instead of reacting), but the truth is–I had wounds that fit perfectly with the narcissist I was married to and he used that. Now I can use the experience to heal them. As I said… working on it… Thank you.

      Jessica

    • LoriMc2268@aol.com'
      Lori
      January 30, 2015

      It has taken me close to 6 years to feel somewhat “normal” after ending a 15 1/2 year marriage to a Narcissist. I still suffer from PTSD, and I wish I had known about Narcissism sooner. I was young and Naïve when I met him and he seemed so intelligent and very well liked by many people. He had me as well as our family DR convinced that I was bipolar, I had never experienced so many highs and lows in my life. My Dr said that because of everyday stresses brought the “bi-polar” out, Other than anxiety and nightmares once in awhile, I have not experienced my “bi-polar” behavior in 4 years.
      I am a survivor, I have moments of hate towards him especially when my daughter ( not his ) is still experiencing trauma over living in that hell called home. I cant seem to forgive myself for not catching on sooner and she is suffering emotionally. Its amazing to me that he is “fine” and me and daughter are still in counseling 6 years later. According to him, we were the problem, not him.

    • bunetalisa@gmail.com'
      Lisa
      January 5, 2017

      Oh my goodness!! I have been researching so much about my narcissistic “baby daddy” and this one blog has helped me the most and really put it into perspective. Not that it would change anything, but I even sent this to him. I have been for the past year going out of my mind trying to understand him and make him see the light, but I finally realized that it is just not possible and a losing battle. I’m going to take back my life. It took me leaving him to another state for over a year now to finally reach the emotional stability that I needed to make this decision. Thank u so much for your blog!!!

      • hannah.demille@gmail.com'
        Hannah
        January 24, 2018

        Can we chat I would really be nice to share experiences..

    • noellx4@yahoo.com'
      Noelia gonzalez
      March 2, 2017

      Omg. .Tonia I loved this article! I can’t believe the things u wrote/described to the tee, amazing how u know the Narcisst ….my ex of 1 wk behaved exactly how u descried . .I was w him for 5yrs n had no clue, the breaking up cycle….he had gfs the whole time! I thought i was the only one..he always accused me of cheating n that i didnt make him feel safe n secure!!..Thank u for the support. I’m healing thru you…thank you!

    • catemery66@gmail.com'
      Cathy
      November 23, 2017

      Thank you so much for this….what an incredibly dark world I’ve been pulled in to and I feel so incredibly sad for them… I wish I could help 😥

  • mkallaire@cox.net'
    margot allaire
    May 15, 2013

    Melanie, you are amazing! Thank you. Whenever I start to falter in my healing process, one of your incredible, timely, and right on emails arrives and sets me straight again. Thank you, thank you. You have helped me beyond belief, and I am 68 years old.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Margot,

      that is so lovely that you are focused on healing and creating a much better life, and I am so pleased I can help…

      It is NEVER too late to be free..

      Mel xo

  • tifferr1220@yahoo.com'
    Tiffany
    May 15, 2013

    You timing is impeccable as always. Everything you write about I KNOW deep in my bones but it hasn’t reached my heart yet. I keep wanting to believe there’s hope and goodness in this man. So I go back and fall in love again with the lies. I know not to believe anything he says, yet I’m drawn to him like a moth to light. I can see through all the nonsense but the attraction is too great. Then your email comes through and I get my reality check. I’m just not strong enough and healed enough myself to put a stop to this cycle. I want to let go but I can’t. I’m addicted.

    • Toritowers@msn.com'
      Tori
      May 15, 2013

      Whatever you are drawn to in him ISN’T REAL! I am afraid for you because this kind of relationship is so very damaging. It CANNOT be fixed because he does not have the capacity to love anyone. So there is no future and he can never love you as you want him to. There are always MOMENTS of goodness..that’s how he hooked you! But how does he consistently treat you? That’s reality. I don’t know you, but I know you deserve so much more than a few crumbs tossed your way…leaving is very hard but almost immediately things get better if you focus on YOU. Love & healing.

    • surfinbel@yahoo.com.au'
      Bel
      May 15, 2013

      Re Tiffany’s comments at 1.46pm on May 15: Oh Tiffany I can so totally relate … and I would like to share something someone once told me: Beware of the power of the words “I am …”. These words are powerful instructions for your mind and the direction of your life, whether they are said, written or thought. I am trying to constantly watch my thoughts and have reminders everywhere of where I need to move towards ..and it’s a day at a time (but wish it were faster!). Thank you so much Melanie, your timing again is impeccable and I am getting so much from these emails and they provide much support. Thank you from the bottom of my heart

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Tiffany,

      Lovely the synchronicity is working for you!

      This is so normal, that cognitive dissonance is operating until you have done the inner work on your belief systems.

      You see the unhealed parts of you are still a match for the narcissist / abuse and this is why your mind is twisting itself into defaulting to these beliefs (regardless of what you know) – hence why you are struggling and need to keep reminding yourself of the ‘the real truth’ – that it IS abuse….

      Your ‘inner’ does not ‘know’ it yet – and until it does (healing your inner parts) your mind is going to keep battling with you.

      When you do the inner work you will not be addicted and you will let go. NARP is the solution if you want to find the way to heal and let go.

      That’s why I created it – SPECIFICALLY for what you are going through…

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • Flowerpetal2050@gmail.com'
        F
        May 4, 2018

        Hi Melanie

        I came here looking to find out more about why a narcissist cannot connect to his true self. As a believer in God, it is impossible that there is no way out for a product of abuse,despite being a victim multiple times, my heart truly goes out to them. I see you mentioning getting away as far as possible and not wanting to have anything to do with them, but if professional experts such as yourself don’t care, then who will?

        With regards to my own healing, as I still continue to unconsciously attract such people to me, I noticed you mentioned doing NARP in your replies to many comments here. Could you kindly explain what NARP is and where to find more information about it?

        Kind regards,
        Flowerpetal2050@gmail.com

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          May 5, 2018

          Hi F,

          I too wish for narcissists and everyone without exception to find their way home to the truth and love.

          If a narcissist was to choose to meet and heal their inner wounds without self avoiding or self medicating with narcissistic supply absolutely they can heal.

          And I would 100 percent support anyone on that journey. But this is the thing, those of us who tried to help narcissists were making that choice for them and often wrapped up in there with our own unhealed wounds still being abused and used for narcissistic supply as well as being projected onto and attacked by the narcissist who was not taking the responsibility to meet and heal themselves.

          Addicts for an example only recover generally when people leave and no longer enable the behaviour by staying and looking after their life for them. When people stay with narcissists – why would they change? They don’t have to – they still get what they want (narcissistic supply) and if that person leaves they find another person who will hand it over.

          It would only be usually when all those sources dried up that a narcissist may turn inwards to do the necessary inner work to heal their condition. They certainly don’t do that because you try to make them do it.

          I am passionate about detaching and healing ourselves so that we don’t die trying and of course in this pattern we don’t succeed.

          F you can’t even begin to imagine the mortality rates through n-abuse not to even mention the devestatung affect of abuse on future generations and their generations. Hence my passion to detach and heal ourselves.

          Also personally me trying to help and fix my n husband almost led to the loss of my own and my sons lives.

          You can learn more about NARP here https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar where I hold a presentation about it.

          I hope this helps.

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • Rwd35@aol.com'
      Robin
      May 16, 2013

      Tiffany, I’ve been exactly where you are, many times over actually. I’d be in love with the creep that abused me for 13 years of my life before I broke free. Id believe the lies even though I knew they were lies because I wanted so desperately for him to love me back, and I’d feel sorry for him because I’d think he’s suffering by being a Narc and I thought I could make his life better.

      What finally helped me break free of that way of thinking after discovering this wonderful site, was reminding myself that his words are a game to him meant only to keep me in that role, and…this one is the kicker…if he had someone else lined up to take on my role, he’d drop me like a hot potato and he’d have zero feelings about it. After 13 years he’d feel no sadness because I’d be gone, no sadness for the 13 years we spent together being over, nothing. He’d just move on to his next victim and never give a second thought to me unless he needed something from me. This was my ultimate salvation, reminding myself that I meant nothing to him and never have and that he took everything from me, everything, with no thought at all to my well being. When I’d start to feel the love creep back in, or the feelings of sadness for him, I’d remind myself this and those feelings would change to anger, and the anger kept me in check until the lightbulb finally switched on and I no longer felt love.

      I hope this helps. Being on this site alone is a gift, you can do this, you are worth it.

      • grollalion@yahoo.com'
        Laura G
        May 16, 2013

        Robin,

        What you said to Tiffany really, really helped me. I have seen my N treat his exes as perfectly expendable, exactly the same, always to blame and completely unmemorable. They are human and lovely humans at that…so I have realized it would someday be my turn to be faceless, nameless and without a soul to him. Yet, I am at that place of starting to understand the wounds in me that keep me hooked. Your reminder of my meaningless place in his heart is good. Thank you. I am starting to get what Melanie is talking about.

        Laura G

        • richtamms@yahoo.com'
          Kay
          May 21, 2013

          You all are so right; to the narc, all the exes are just expendables; commodities, to be used until they are used up, then tossed away so the narc can move to the next commodity so he can get the narc supply he needs. These creatures are really a form of vampire.
          Remember, too, that in the myths and legends of the vampire, the victim invites the vampire in! Same with narcs, that is why it is so important to realize you have a right to your own boundaries! Once you realize the fact that narcs will lie like rugs to get what they want you will find it easier to not give in to them. Melanie is right; work on healing yourself; you do not exist to serve narcs. That is not a life.
          Keep reading Melanie’s blog; she always has great info! cheers!

    • Hannad83@live.co.uk'
      Hannah
      May 16, 2013

      I went through exactly the same stages of denial as I knew with my gut something was wrong,followed by attraction then being burnt and the cycle just goes on and on… Then I read why we get so attracted as we develop trauma bonding. It’s all part of Stockholm Syndrome. Once I understood it, I just cut all contact and it made it so much easier not to go back. Knowledge is power! Hope this will help you too!

    • chevycharisewillis@yahoo.com'
      Denise
      May 16, 2013

      I feel the same way..Smh..I love this man. I just want everything to be true and although he says the same, I want to know for sure if he feels the same way. I’m addicted too

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        May 16, 2013

        ‘Addiction’…is the hard and painful message..

        “I need to dig deep and heal”…

        That is what NARP is all about..

        Mel xo

    • suzih63@hotmail.com'
      Sue
      May 16, 2013

      Hi Tiffany,
      My heart goes out to you,I have been there but thanks to Melanie’s Narc’s recovery program I am up to 7 months no contact and hardly think about him anymore,although lots of opportunties to practise boundary setting are appearing.I am loving making decision for myself and have a holiday to Vanuatu in 20 days, soooo excited. Life without the narcissists is great, I no longer have to ‘chase’ his love ,this is a wonderful feeling and so worth the effort Good Luck.Also Thank you Melanie ,my life is so much better because of your help.Love to All

  • lee-ann68@live.ca'
    Lee-Ann Monaghan
    May 15, 2013

    Margot hit on the head. I needed this exact article this week. I am 4 years out of my experience, and have never felt better. You have helped me tremendously. Thank you so much! I’m staying in contact with your site indefinitely. :))

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Lee-Ann,

      I am so glad you are feeling great!

      You are very welcome..

      Please know I am not on advocate for co-dependency…you needing to stay attached to this website indefinetely.

      My model is not ‘support groups’ – its is ulimately about you empowering yourself to NOT need my material.

      There is a much better life to create from the inside out…

      Mel xo

  • ebruning@ozemail.com.au'
    Emily
    May 15, 2013

    what advice could you give to the mother of a narcissistic son?

  • Ginamarei29@yahoo.com'
    Gina
    May 15, 2013

    Exactly! I totally NEEDED this, today! Mothers day was SUPER HARD, but I feel much better after reading this…it’s just so unbelievable that there is no hope for them, and i struggle with that.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Gina,

      It is vital that we do accept – yes NO hope…

      The more you use the experience as ‘what did I need to realise and heal within myself’…this person ceases to have the power of ‘being your Source’ and you commit to creating and healing yourself…

      Then we get the gift…

      Mel xo

  • bkkessel@yahoo.com'
    Barbara
    May 15, 2013

    Melanie,

    Thank you! I thought I was the crazy one. You have helped me immensely.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Barbara,

      I am so glad you realised you are not – it’s just what you were attached to was insanity!

      You are very welcome.

      Mel xo

  • mackenzieconn@aol.com'
    Mackenzie
    May 15, 2013

    Dear Ms. M. T. A.
    Always a pleasure to read your blog. I have been with a narcissist for almost 3 years now and he just moved 3,00 miles away but wants to maintain the relationship. It was not been going well. It’s sly, unemotional, and nothing really that is all too surprising. You’re blog helps, in so many ways, what a horrible grip this is. Almost too hard to believe.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Mackenzie,

      there is no upside to continuing a relationship with a narcissist – just more pain and more disintegration of self.

      At some point we have to have the courage to let go and apply the responsibility to heal ourself.

      That is where the light at the end of the tunnel lies. What is great is that NOW there are the processes to get through to the other side…and they work…

      Mel xo

  • mackenzieconn@aol.com'
    Mackenzie
    May 15, 2013

    *Ms. M. T. E. (my apologies)

  • difromoz@gmail.com'
    Dianne
    May 15, 2013

    Talk about perfect timing Melanie!Just got to love the universe!

    Like Gina stated; Mother’s Day was really hard…but although I bought a card a few weeks ago – just in case I couldn’t shake the need to send her one; I thought long and hard about the whole Narc thing and why I went no contact and decided not to send it! However I did end up with a nasty rash about a week before hand and still have it – definitely anxiety.
    I often wrestle with the very things you mentioned in this post; almost daily because I SO wish it were different – but I have accepted it is the way it is. Undoubtedly a narc’s brain is wired very differently – I mean it has to be because otherwise guilt / sorrow / shame, etc would kick in and enable empathy to be felt, etc.
    Anyways…I am feeling better now that Mother’s Day has been and gone – and I just booked my family and I a three day escape in a penthouse (taking international students on a road trip!) Wow – How things have changed as I would have settled for the cheapest accommodation because that’s all I thought I deserved, etc – but now I treat myself to something a little more luxurious!
    Thanks Melanie… xox

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi DIanne,

      I agree – I LOVE the functions of the Universe!

      Truly Dianne, this is about ‘what part of me is struggling with this daily…’ I know you are ‘aware’ enough to get this…all things on the ‘outside’ have come into our experience to offer us an opportunity to heal something about ourself on the inside.

      It being clearly in repeat (almost daily) is not a pleasurable way to live – trying to battle this out – when if you found what you can heal within you and release – then that ‘repeat pain’ would no longer be there.

      Narc abuse is like this – it hits our unhealed wounds hard..absolutely…

      However – the principle is the same…totally..

      Those that do find the inner parts and release them – get out of the pain – no matter how excrucitaing it feels…and that could be you too.

      Mel xo

  • faith_goble@yahoo.com'
    FG
    May 15, 2013

    I really enjoy reading what you have to say. Your techniques have helped me start to escape from the cycle of endlessly repeating “Why’s” and “How could he’s.” I’ve known all along that just rehashing the pain of the past is destructive, but I’ve haven’t known how to stop until now. I’ve still got a long way to go, but I’m thankful to have found you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi FG,

      that is wonderful that you are finding your way through!

      Thank you for your post 🙂

      Mel xo

  • kelliemhamblin@aol.com'
    Kellie
    May 15, 2013

    Perfect timing again! One year shy of separation after 31 years with a txtbook narcissist. I had no idea what all the painful, insensitive, irrational behavior was aboutuntil I started getting your postings. It is absolutely spot on and finally it all makes sense. I do have compassion for him, it is so sad he cannot see the consequences and misery he heaps on his family. He still tries to seduce me to get his supply but your words keep me strong and moving forward Melanie! You are much appreciated!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Kellie,

      You are very welcome – and keep strong!

      Mel xo

    • dmenke@charter.net'
      Denise
      May 16, 2013

      Clarity has begun for me as well. I am in the process of a divorce after a 30 year marriage involving, as you said, painful and irrational behavior. I, however, have no compassion, but perhaps the pain and anger are still too fresh for me. I figured out for myself that one cannot forgive someone who doesn’t think he needs forgiveness. So I am saving my energy to forgive myself for being blind to my own needs and desires. The tears still flow – tears for what should have been, tears for misplaced (on my part) trust and love, and tears just because. LOL. Tis a journey I am on now and I thank all of you for sharing and helping me to understand myself a little better.

  • sedinagray@aol.com'
    Sedina Gray
    May 15, 2013

    Melanie,Thank you!

  • bevpratley@gmail.com'
    Bev
    May 15, 2013

    This is an excellent article. Especially the Even More Twists and Turns paragraph. I am still with my NPD husband, but have started living with firm boundaries. I am loving and respecting myself, and disengage from bad behavior. I have no idea if our marriage will last, but he knows I am not afraid anymore. Because now I truly understand the situation I am involved in. I am not in the fog any longer. Thank you, Melanie, for helping me see the light.

    • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
      steve
      May 15, 2013

      When I made the choice to no longer play the narc’s games, she made the choice to get rid of me the week I was laid off from my job. It was cold hearted of her, but today my life is wonderful with total “no contact”

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Bev,

      you are so welcome, and it is wonderful you have shifted out of fear and you are taking back your power.

      You will need to be in your power, because really being a narcissist you don’t know what could happen next…Many when you will no longer hand over supply may leave…Time will tell.

      Mel xo

      • mtlemieux@yahoo.com'
        Michele
        May 16, 2013

        In response to Bev and Mel:

        Be careful. Now that you have stood up for yourself, and if you so do, your Narc will not get his supply. When I did so with my husband Narc, he knocked me right off of my feet and I found myself in a world of trouble. Be careful!

    • swingdancer2004@yahoo.com'
      Esther
      May 17, 2013

      My N could not tolerate me standing up for myself or having to actually plan or schedule ahead of time in mutual agreement or compromise with me. A compromise meant a lose for him in his mind. At first he feigned it, but tried to draw me back into the web. When my boundaries stayed firm, it was his way or the highway and he discarded me like a used dixie cup. I am still reeling from the sudden abandonment. I didn’t have to worry about doing “no contact” because he refuses contact with me. Chaulk one up for him, he regained control in his own perverted way.

  • Laurenmalec@yahoo.com'
    Lauren
    May 15, 2013

    AT 9pm, I RECEIVED AND READ THESE TWO BACK-TO-BACK EMAILS FROM MY EX-NARC, (RIGHT AFTER A BRIEF PHONE CONVO WHERE HE TOLD ME HE WAS NOT GOING TO MAKE IT TO SEE OUR KIDS)……

    On May 14, 2013 8:17 PM, “XXXXXXX” wrote:
    I am so worn out from being depressed and stressed all the time. I’m so sick of wondering who ur with and what ur doing. Its driving me insane!!!!!

    On May 14, 2013 8:22 PM, “XXXXXXX” wrote:
    And another thing…..I still to this day have never said the words ” I don’t want to be with you”. I can’t get over you Lauren. I don’t know why but just can’t. My heart aches and it is changing me as a man. I don’t like it!

    ……..
    AT 10pm, AFTER READING THOSE SEVERAL TIMES, I WAS MID-SENTENCE TYPING A REPLY (one that would, btw, have broken the NO contact rules and very likely have put our dance back into motion), WHEN MY PHONE WENT DEAD. I NOTED THE IRONY AND PUT IT ON THE CHARGER…..

    …….
    AT 10:30 I PICKED IT BACK UP, ENTERED MY CODE, AND MY UNFINISHED EMAIL WAS RIGHT BACK IN FRONT OF ME. IN ORDER TO RE-READ HIS EMAILS (again!!!!) I HAD TO SAVE OR DELETE MY DRAFT. I CHOOSE TO SAVE IT (pitiful, I know). BUT THE NEXT THING THAT HAPPENED WAS EVEN MIRE IRONIC THAN A LOW BATTERY. INSTEAD OF THE BACK BUTTON TAKING ME TO MY “ex-folder” WHERE I HAVE HIS EMAILS DELIVERED, IT REFRESED TO MY “inbox”…..

    A few seconds later I saw your email (from 9:59pm) at the top of the list. So…..

    …..
    AT 10:45 I WAS READING THIS ARTICLE INSTEAD OF WRITING AN EMAIL. AN EMAIL THAT COULD HAVE OPENED THE DOOR (one that I struggled to build, struggle to close, struggle not to open, and struggle not to look thru the peep hole) AND HANDED MY NARC THE KEY.

    ….
    At 11 pm it’s been
    5 years and 18 days since I met my soul mate.
    5 years and 11 days since I sensed something was off.
    3 years and 253 days since I have birth to the child he begged me to have.
    1 year and 146 days since he walked out on us.
    266 days since I broke no-contact and he moved back in.
    118 days since he walked out on us again.
    22 days since I’ve blocked his texts.
    10 days since I’ve started no-contact (except for the kids)
    3 hours since he called to say he was working late again and will see the kids tomorrow instead.

    BUT WHOSE COUNTING?????

    It still hurts. Burns, stings, aches, gnaws….
    But tonight it must hurt just an ounce less. Because tonight I didn’t send a message that would have brought him back into my life. I HAVE YOUR EMAIL TO THANK FOR THAT!

    His visits with the kids have gone from every week, to once a month. Once he gives up in me, he will give up on them. And after reading that narcs are a byproduct of selfish/preoccupied parents, Im no longer going to read these posts in hopes to understand or “fix” my narc. I’m now reading them to undo the damage I am accountable for. My son is 11, our daughter 3. I’m not the only one he walked out on. My son has now lost 2 fathers and I’ve been as good as gone. I’m here, but I’m not.

    Wow…. This is a long response. Hopefully not the complaining type. Before I go on forever, THANK YOU! And maybe one day I will get an email on how to reverse the damage this has done to my children. So that my children are emotionally healthy and not part of a vicious cycle.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Lauren,

      this is a pretty amazing and touching post…and no it is not complaining, and I know it is one that many, many people would relate to…

      We have all been there, and many are still there…

      Lauren, truly – PLEASE look at NARP for your pain…at least read the testimonies and sense how it can help you because it can help you beyond description…

      And please know you have a fully guaranteed time to try – you have no financial risk to try…

      That takes it to a whole deeper level of recovery than just trying to hang in there with my articles – truly…

      God I feel where you are – I have been there!!

      In regard to your children – Lauren truly when we heal ourselves our children heal – I promise you…it’s the only authentic way…

      https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-to-help-your-children-wh-are-affected-by-narcissists/

      Hugs, love and strength

      Mel xo

  • xandria_wilkins@hotmail.com'
    xandria
    May 15, 2013

    I am frshly removed and in the no contact phase. I came upon your site just 3 days ago and I want to post this info on my facebook where I was smeared. This man said I was a scorned woman and indeed I am now. He is so powerful and influential in our community. I am stuck trying to live out my time here because of my daughters. I am filled with so much hatred for these people who back him. How can they not see! I guess the question is, how could I not see? I need to have more gratitude for finally knowing the truth. Just about every description and testimony depicts my experience to a tee. I feel poisoned, used, and so much sadness. He tells me I will never find someone and his words are so painful theY ruminate through my head all day. I pray and pray and seem to be doing fine and then it is as though a dam breaks and I am overcome with sadness and anger again. All I really have is this website. No one really knows the full story and I’m sick of trying to be heard and understood. Tomorrow is a new day, I keep telling myself…I pray for all of us. I pray for our final healing so that we may find OUR true selves as well! I feel washed away. I hope to post about my new life and attitude one day soon. I want to share my recovery. It feels like a long journey but worth it. Love and prayers to you lovely people…`X

    • sarahestew@hotmail.com'
      Sarah
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Xandria. I was reading your comment. Please get yourself away from Facebook…..my ex had 3 profiles I had to get the police involved a month ago (he was stalking me) it’s hard I know but it does get easier i promise. They manage to get people on their side….his own mother believes everything he says!!! I could tell you some crazy stories!!! Stay strong 🙂 x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Xandria,

      yes it is very painful initailly when the smearing and demeaning and projection occurs..

      The healing starts as soon as you commit to you…and get your focus off ‘him’ as much as you can…

      Then you will start to recover…everything you want is pointed ‘downstream’ (within you) there is nothing you want ‘upstream’ (to do with the narcissist).

      Have you had a chance to watch my YouTube vidoes yet – on the welcome page?

      They can help you – and where you are at…

      Yes, the journey is beautiful and worth it…absolutely..

      Mel xo

  • hayrycha@yahoo.com'
    DawnCheri
    May 15, 2013

    Breaks my heart….Someone so handsome and with seemingly so much potential…is STUCK..forever in an endless cycle like this. Thank you for always saying the right things..at the right time!

  • ccaliciacc@me.com'
    Gwen Donaldson
    May 15, 2013

    Melanie,
    Thank you so much. Your e-mails are so enlightening. Like shining a light into a very dark place. I am 53 years old and the oldest of five. My narcissist is my Mother. No war stories but I have trying to explain my Mother since I was six. I desperately needed to understand. One of my brothers committed suicide at the age of 31. He had three children. One of my sisters has struggled with anorexia for almost thirty years. My youngest sister has no contact. My brother is my Mom’s golden child. My Dad died of MDS three years ago and my Mother is struggling. Now when I look at my Mom I see her as the cause of so much damage. And unbelievably she’s still at it. I had no contact for two years after my Dad’s death due to one of her narcissistic attacks. I have tried to help her recently and it has brought so much negativity to the surface. So hard to know what is the right thing to do now. Two years with no contact was such a positive journey for me personally. It’s all so complicated.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Gwen,

      yes it can be very difficult when the narcissist is a parent – absolutely…

      I am releasing information – a mini series / program focused exclusively on this very soon…

      I know it can help you…so please look out for it in the next few weeks..

      Mel xo

  • kaleocolt@gmail.com'
    sharon
    May 15, 2013

    Thank you…it’s a question I have wondered about for a long time! Last night I listened to your radio blog and just rad this one..will listen and read again! Very helpful! Don’t know if you have answers to a couple more of my questions..but here they are..1) can a narcissist recognize a narcissist? What I mean is ..a person who is a narcissist but doesn’t know it, and someone talks about their ex n…and the N friend agree’s and says they know all about narcissists..so the narcissists knows about narcissists but doesn’t see them selves as one. Have you found this? Second question..have you found that a twin has a strong chance of becoming a narcissist? The other twin is favored so the one not favored never feels good enough..I guess what I’m asking is it common in twins for one to be a narcissist?
    Thanks again for this very informative article! Moving on is easier when I am able to make sense of what happened! And to understand why! This article really helps with that!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Sharon,

      Yes I believe narcissists recognise narcissists. They recognise others operating through False Selves – and what they ‘hate’ in others is relative to their own disowned parts and dysfunctions.

      Narcissists know their deep shame and defectiveness. They are not clueless that they are ‘fake’ and operating pathologically…

      It’s this ‘fakeness’ and ‘defectiveness’ they are attempting to hide behind the mask..

      They may not know the term ‘narcissist’ but they absolutely know there is something wrong with them…

      They recognise other people’s ego functions incredibly well – because that is their only model to relate to.

      In fact they ‘call’ it as ‘ego’ even when it isn’t. The second narc I knew believed that anyone going into great detail about their pain was doing so ‘to gain significance’…This was in fact a projection of the reasons why HE would complain to anyone…to get NS…

      I hope this helps!

      In regard to twins – I really don’t have evidence or experience either way to comment.

      I certainly know of twins that are not narcissists.

      Mel xo

      • juliesewelltranslator@gmail.com'
        Julie
        May 16, 2013

        Hi Melanie,

        Well just wow, another brilliant, clear article and written extremely well!

        I am on my healing path but something you explained in this specific comment about ego really resonated for me and I just had a massive AHA moment which I did not expect! The ex was forever accusing me of being egotistical, that my ego got in the way of our relationship etc. etc. It was simply more projection I believe! THANK YOU !!!!!

      • phiebert@rogers.com'
        Felecia
        May 16, 2013

        Hi Melanie,
        I have been on your website for about a year now and it was what started my journey out of the fog. I was involved with my N in an on-again/off-again for 4 years and trying to get out for good for about 1 1/2 yrs.

        I typically would end it and he would leave me alone for 2-3 months and then establish contact again. Like a fool, I fell for it time and time again. Looking back I now realize that the only time he ever contacted me was when he wanted something from me; usually money.He owes me over $20,000.

        It has now been 6 weeks of No Contact. I have finally burned all photos and blocked all email and phone contact. I have good days and bad and cannot wait for the time that he will be nothing but a distant memory!

        I am finally committed to put healing myself as my #1 priority!

        My challenge, and this is the reason for my post is that part of the reason I believe I was so easily taken in and manipulated by him is that my twin sister is also highly narcissistic and I have endured constant pain, manipulation and criticism from her my entire life. It would be very interesting to hear from other twins.

        I am now in limited phone contact with her and it has been brutal. She has “excommunicated” me from the family, asked all of her family and friends to de-friend me on Facebook and tells horrible stories about me.

        All of my others relationships are healthy and harmonious. I just want to heal! Thank you so much for the good you do!

  • transick3@gmail.com'
    trans123
    May 15, 2013

    I very much needed to hear this tonight. my mother passed away February 27th my ex who was iavailable only by text while she was dying texted me that he loved me and 6 hours later ended our three year relationship for the 100th time. he has ignored all of my attempts to contact him which have been many and a showing up everywhere acting happy and normal and saying I’m crazy. in the last 3 months I’ve lost everything including my job because of him. why can’t I stay mad long enough to stay away from him? it really is an addiction and I really do feel crazy and hopeless and helpless

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi trans123,

      I hear and know about people being this hooked and addicted all the time.

      I was one of them also – nearly to my death…

      That is why I created NARP to solve that problem by giving people the ability to work and heal deeply at their subconscious level to get out of the horror of this life-threatening addiction.

      You can read the testimonies and listen to the radio show about the results – and know there is hope..

      Mel xo

  • Irenekerr@shaw.ca'
    Angie
    May 15, 2013

    Thank you Melanie – so much. As mentioned above your timing is amazing. I am sorry for all those who are suffering. Won’t go into detail but my head knows how destructive an N marriage is. But my heart is broken and I am so sad. How do you heal your heart?
    Hugs to all.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Angie,

      thank you for your post – and for not going in to the war-story.

      I think you know what I would say as your answer! 🙂

      I’ve been saying it over and over on these painful posts tonight…

      Mel xo

  • coomadoug@gmail.com'
    Coomadoug
    May 15, 2013

    Emotional inteligence is the trait in humans, monkeys, dogs and some fish. Narcissistic humans have none.

    The missing component is “spontaneous, subconscious processing of image and sound”. This is another way of saying “feelings or heart”.

    We can exist without this trait but we have to consciously rationalize everything that others feel instantly. Trouble is we do that without feelings also.

    The differance is as vast as looking at the stars with the naked eye and trying to then discuss what you see with another person who has looked with a powerful telescope.

    Narcissists do not know they are disabled in this way and learn to survive using rational and irrational thought.
    This means that the trait used to replace spontaneous feelings is imagination, memory and dillusional behaviour with a lot of lies and truth
    modification..

  • sarahestew@hotmail.com'
    Sarah
    May 15, 2013

    Just what I was needing! Thanks Melanie. I’m 5 weeks into no contact (split for 9 months) have almost caved in a few times! Had to speak to him last night (we have kids) no ill effects on my part, have been working through my pain & start to feel a little better everyday. This man is a stranger to me now. Some days it’s like it never happened which must be a good sign! There have been many confused tears but I think I’m on the slow road to recovery. I’m meeting with a councillor today (women’s aid) which is great. Finally to one of the girls above STEER WELL CLEAR FROM FACEBOOK! My narc had 3 profiles!!! Get yourself away from it! You’ll drive yourself round the bend 🙂

  • coomadoug@gmail.com'
    Coomadoug
    May 15, 2013

    Melanie

    I consider your understanding of this life with a narcissist to be the best I have read on the net. I have even spoken at length with Sam Vaknin and recorded his voice once for a song we did together.

    Might I suggest that you investigate what is involved in “spontaneous response and processing of experience in humans”. I believe this understanding enabled me to re establish my own self awareness and enables me to see and understand calmly the life I had with narcissistic family.

    I have since helped several people in similar situations in private life and also the complex behaviors at work.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Coomadoug,

      yes I will look into it..

      That sounds very interesting…

      Thank you!

      Mel xo

  • vicki@vfdigitaldesigns.com'
    Vic
    May 15, 2013

    Good article, and a question I always find myself wondering. Does he actually know what he is doing? Or how wrong what he is doing is? But then I pity him. Despite his attempts at alienating me from my friends, I am still in contact with people I knew as a child. I look at his life and the only person that has been in it consistently for a long time, is me. Sooner or later I guess everyone wises up to him or ceases to be useful for him and distances themselves, pretty sad existence really.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Vic,

      I am glad the article may have helped you with clarity…

      Yes, it is sad – there would be nothing great about being a narcissist…It’s a terrible mental disease…

      Mel xo

  • friffie57@yahoo.com'
    frith
    May 15, 2013

    Nailed it all, thanks so much….validating and the reason healing means so much xxx

  • kirandeep2584@gmail.com'
    Penny
    May 15, 2013

    Melanie,
    Thanks for writing such insightful articles. Whenever I feel off the track or falling for the narcissist’s tricks, I read your articles. Your articles really help me gain the perspective in my life.
    But I am finding the recovery process very difficult. Sometimes I just get frustrated with myself. I have co-dependent tendencies which make things even more complicated.
    The pain is immense at times. I even started doing your 30 day empowered course. But I am stuck on the 1st weeks assignments only. I am not able to move forward.
    Could you please guide me on what should I do when I fell immense pain?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Penny,

      I am glad my articles have helped..

      The answer to that question is NARP – over and above any other resource…because the QFH Healing Modules work directly on your subconscious programming.

      There is no risk involved in you engaging in NARP, and you can do so for free.

      Once your subconscious shifts you start healing…

      I hope you give it a go…because you don’t need to keep struggling the hard way…truly…and you deserve to get well..we all do…

      Mel xo

      • suzih63@hotmail.com'
        Sue
        May 16, 2013

        I high recommend the NRP I was driving myself mad until I started the program and am amazed at how well it works and even though the sessions are exursting ,it’s sooooo worth it,

  • emmasteele_perkins@hotmail.com'
    em
    May 15, 2013

    Thank you Melanie – got to love the universe, I was having this debate only last night with a friend regarding my ex. We split 5 months ago, shortly after the birth of our daughter. Just as I’m getting strong, he starts laying on the “I want you back” routine. My question is how do you deal with a narc in relation to kids? It messes with my head seeing him with our bubs – he is a natural. My heart aches with it a BAM he hits me with “I want to be a family so much”. How can you do no contact when there are kids involved? Hugs everyone and Stay strong

  • ecej@tpg.com.au'
    Emma
    May 15, 2013

    Thank you Melanie.
    37 years with a narcissist before I could walk into the light with the understanding that I have received so much to be thankful of.
    Thankful for my two beautiful children, my mum and Aunts, my wonderful friends, my work and the fact that the Universe has always provided even though I was not really aware.
    Out of my experience with narcissism came a furthering of spirituality, of learning and growing through lots of reading, courses, listening to your Mp3’s, your healing words and teaching and the support of those important to me.
    I discovered life, I discovered happiness and love within me.
    So for me I am grateful, I am happy, I am love and while I have a long way to go I feel I have left the darkness behind.
    I understand that I now have strategies to help me deal with the challenges that place me out of sink with what is, with life as it should be.
    I look forward to continuing my growth, to continue learning throughout my life.
    While there are days and situations that insist I be very conscious of thought, conscious of ego, of the pain body and where it is coming from to ensure I employ what I have and am learning I give sincere thanks for the opportunities that have been brought to me through these experiences.
    Thank you, Melanie for being instrumental in bringing me back to life.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Emma,

      thank you for your post..

      I am so pleased things have shifted for you and you are ‘coming home’..

      And on a personal note for me…tonight…phew here is a post from someone doing NARP…

      Please those on this article blog who aren’t read this post and FEEL the distinct difference between where Emma is after 37 years of abuse (which of course is significant – very), and please realise this is what doing the inner QFH MP3 work creates…

      You can read back through blog after blog and you will see the same ‘pattern’..

      Sorry Emma to use you as an example tonight…Lots of love everyone…I think I am tired after a long day!

      And I SO know we don’t have to keep dealing with pain and awful, awful emotions the long hard way…

      Emma you are so welcome, and I am so pleased you are coming back to life – it is what we ALL deserve!

      Mel xo

  • Viv.Suttie@yahoo.co.uk'
    Annabel
    May 15, 2013

    Your posts are wonderful. I finished a 6 month relationship when I realised what he was like. He then acted as though we were still going out and I made the mistake of meeting up again to confirm that it was all over. He then started texting every day and asking to call in. I eventually got police advice and they told me to tell him that I would take it further with the police if he continued to contact me. He then waited 3 months and then out of the blue sent me a long letter saying that I owed him a proper explanation and he wanted to call in. The police have been brilliant and the guy that I am dealing with telephoned him to say that they would visit him if he continued. I am hoping that the public disgrace of a police car in the street would destroy his ‘perfect neighbour’ image which hopefully will stop him from contacting me again. I do feel grateful to the police, but you don’t seem to suggest this as a way to deal with it. I hope that I have done the right thing even though I know that it will have enraged him (for life). I live in the UK incidentally and the guidelines have been dramatically altered in the last couple of years. Also I am recently widowed and 70 years old and a bit embarrassed to say the least. I thought that this would destroy my new relationship, but my new boyfriend has been wonderfully understanding.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Annabel,

      That is wonderful that you have created powerful boundaries.

      Thank you for sharing..

      Mel xo

  • seemaanthony4@gmail.com'
    Regina
    May 15, 2013

    I read all the comments and my heart goes out to all of you. It has a been a long and hard journey for me. My son is almost 13 and has never met him his father. He stopped contact with me soon as I told him I am pregant. I went thru the pregancy and raised my son all by myself while he married a rich girl. Every 4 to 5 years he is back just to check on me and have a brief fling and each time I have rebuked him. I have been working 2 jobs and trying hard to fend for me and my son and the N has never given us any support whatsoever. He got divorced 6 years into his marriage. I am into the final No Contact for the past 8 months now and will never ever see him again. He has damaged and hurt me so bad. I do pray for him though and ask god to forgive him and keep him happy for he has given me a wonderful son who I love the most in this world.

  • trhnsn@gmail.com'
    Teri Hansen
    May 15, 2013

    While I enjoyed the article, I am not so sure that some catastrophic event had to happen to any N for them to be the way they are. My ex’s N, had a dad who is very much an N. There was no physical abuse, no incest, just the actions and behavior of the N’s dad, who he obviously role-modeled to his son…but…there are other family members in my ex N’s family, that do not act like my ex N did/does. As a psych major, I am now of the belief that the only explanation for N’s is that “they are the way they are”. And as a psych major, I am interested in the brain of an N, as a whole. I believe it is probably some type of Genetic Mutation, that this population has. We can all sit around and debate what makes an N, an N,……but my views are now centering around the biologic make-up, the Genetic component vs. environmental surroundings. Are we all born with this N gene, or only a few, (as a gene for alturism has been identified) and does the environment to which the N was exposed, bring out these characteristics more, then say being raised in a non N environment? And what about N’s who were raised by non-N family’s, those of integrity, character, morals, etc., who become N’s? Even Sam Vakin said that therapy for N’s can be rather futile. I am sad to report, that I have a son who is an N to the same degree as his father. I protected vehemently my children from their father,…tried to instill right from wrong, good, from bad, integrity, character, morals, etc. etc. etc. While living with a mini-N is very challenging, I will NEVER give up the battle to help him overcome the Narcissist that he is. My only fear, is that I am battling a genetic component, that I have no control over, no matter how hard I try! N’s have been put in to the classification system of “psycho-paths”, calling them “the garden variety type”, to which I agree, the behavior is the same, just different degrees of behavior. And for the record…..I believe an N knows exactly what they are doing…..

    • djpeart7@gmail.com'
      Jane
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Terri.
      You make some really interesting points on N’s and their gentic make up. I am also very intrigued by the so called “reasons” for narcissistic behaviour-it is certainly a challenge when faced with children who may have “absorbed’ these tendencies and/or show signs of such behaviour. From my own experience, no matter how inclined someone may be to act in such a way, I am the one who is responsible for my happiness and well being. I am the one responsible for keeping healthy boundaries in regards to everyone around me-including my children. If I don’t keep these boundaries strong,the universe has a way of giving me another lesson until I “get it”. In my journey to finding self I have come to realise that changing someone else is an impossibilty-I lived this illusion for most of my adult lifetime-until I fortunately stumbled across Melanie and her system of discovering self. I struggled with “letting go” of the need to make sure that my children were “stripped” of any N tendencies-I can only correct my own course of behaviour and give them another option-by example. It has been a massive growing experience for me-recognizing that I can only be responsible for my choices- I often read Kahlil Gibrans work, On Children,-it helps me “remember” my role as a parent.
      You may be right in that an N knows what he is doing….they are certainly manipulative and cunning-in the end I needed to take back my power-to not waste my time getting into his head-it’s too dark there-it’s not my reality anymore. I am busy tending to my own healing-which I know is possible-and as such my children may or may not see that they have a choice-to live in the insanity of all that an N exsistance entails-or to choose a path of light.
      These are my thoughts…thanks for sharing yours:)

      Lots of love and light

      Jane

    • wagtail69@hotmail.com'
      Madonna
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Teri,
      I will be starting a degree in psych soon, all while living with a high level narc. I am completely intrigued with whether there is something physically different biologically in their brain that makes them what they are. Genetic? I’m getting to see that close up too as he has 5 boys and definitely there seems to be genetic factors at play. They are all young, between 5 and 13 and I see really worrying dynamics at play already. Amazingly their mother is also a narc and possibly more extreme and twisted than her ex partner I live with now. I watch everything with a detached interest. 3 of his boys will definitely be dangerous as they get older and are already seasoned bullies, liars and manipulaters. The 7 year old has just come off his 5th suspension from school. He’s on the cusp of expulsion. The 13 year old has also has numerous suspensions. The other 2 boys seem to join in so as not to be targets or they try and please their other brothers. Its terrifying that 2 high level narcs went ahead and had so many children and that’s not counting her eldest she fell pregnant with while seeing a multitude of different men before matching vibrationally with my current N. I’m unfortunately struggling to find the hooks that keep him with me but in the meantime I am taking the opportunity to really see insanity close up and personal. I really honestly feel that the mental health sector fails in their identification of this personality disorder.

    • suzyvegas1@gmail.com'
      sky
      May 16, 2013

      teri hansen would you mind sharing how exactly you are trying to trsin your son away from being N? i have the same hideous dilemma and like trying to ‘help’ a partner be different, I feel as though its a hopeless case even with Melanies tool of “seeing” my son in a positive way. x

      • veronica@gravityride.com'
        Veronica
        May 16, 2013

        Sky, the first thing you need to do is heal yourself, and let go of any idea that you can help your child be anything else than what he is. When you change your vibration, your energy will ‘nudge’ his to align and rise up to meet it. As Mel says, he came from your womb and your energy, thoughts, and vibrations do have a huge impact on him. Stop imagining or seeing him as what you ‘want’ him to be from an energetic space of wanting to change him into something better. That will never work. Instead get to a place within yourself in which you are happy and at peace with yourself so that you know what your True Self feels like, and then realize that the true essence of your son is just as beautiful and powerful, and then ‘see’ that and hold it as the ultimate truth of who he is, regardless of his actions and mistakes. As painful as it is for us mothers to realize it, we are not responsible for our children’s life path, just as we are not responsible for our partner’s life path. We only have true choice and power and responsibility over our own. Hugs to you.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        May 16, 2013

        Sky,

        are you working with QFH to heal you – to help your son..

        That is the most powerful way I know of without exception..

        Are you on NARP?

        Mel xo

    • swingdancer2004@yahoo.com'
      Esther
      May 17, 2013

      I got with my ex-N when his son was 7. When the N would do irrational or inconsiderate things, I would think, is he doing this on purpose? Then, I saw his son doing the same behaviors, and I thought that no one taught the little one to think that way, he just does. So I excused it as being genetic. I had also heard through sources that my Ex-N’s father and he were also one and the same with their behaviors. If there is indeed a malfunctioning or mis-wiring of the brain, it only makes sense that it could be genetic and then the associated engagement with the other N’s behaviors reinforce their own as acceptable forms of relating.

  • klundquist32@gmail.com'
    Karin
    May 15, 2013

    Melanie, you are saving my life right now. I just found out my narcissistic boyfriend of the past 2 years (off & on again of course) has been seeing another woman for even longer than me. Yes, my bad, I snooped because I knew something wasn’t right even after he went to therapy with me in Feb and confessed his love and said there were no other women. I knew he was a love avoidant but the narcissist thing is pretty new to me. Guess I didn’t want to think of him that way because he is genuinely a nice guy. I know now that he is definitely a narcissist. It’s only been a week so my heart is still hurting. At least now I understand why he did (and could do) the things he did. I am feeling a little better having compassion for him and praying for him to get help instead of being really angry. This blog has helped me tremendously and I am forever grateful! Thank you!

    • liv.eberlein@gmail.com'
      Liv
      May 15, 2013

      Dear Karin,
      Obviously I don’t know much about you, him or your situation, but I can’t help but pose a few questions that might be good to ask yourself :):

      1) If he really is a narcissist (with everything that entails), how can he be “genuinely” anything? Isn’t part of the definition of narcs that in fact nothing about them is genuine?

      2) What would you think if your best friend found out about her boyfriend what you just found out about yours, and just one week later started praying for him and feeling compassion for him, still describing him as a “nice guy”, “instead of being really angry”? Would you think that she was dealing well?

      I’m not insinuating that you should wallow in anger or never try to forgive the guy – as Melanie writes in her wonderful material, it’s important to let go of this stuff and forgive. But I know about myself that part of my problem and what made me such an easy target for my N, was the “nice girl” syndrome; being scared of my own anger/aggression and not realizing that these are actually very natural and really important feelings because they tell you when your boundaries are being violated and you need to stand up for and acknowledge yourself (assertively).
      Maybe, some of this rings true for you. In that case maybe you need to allow yourself to feel into and release some of that anger, and be compassionate with yourself (I recommend the NARP program for this), before you get all too compassionate with him?
      Like I said, I can’t be the judge of that – I just know that this was an important step for me :).
      Hugs

      • jackieduffy@mac.com'
        Nancy
        May 16, 2013

        Liv,
        I so resonate with what you say. I still find it so hard to get angry with my ex-narc. I was absolutely raised with the notion that “nice” girls don’t get angry, and put others needs before their own. (not an excuse, just a reason). My question is, how did you release the anger? I have at so many times, felt like I have, and have moved on, but inevitably get pulled back and feel like I’m at square one all over again. I’m so afraid that this cycle will never end…
        How long did it take you to release the anger and TRULY not look back?
        Any advice is so appreciated…

        • liv.eberlein@gmail.com'
          Liv
          May 24, 2013

          Hi Nancy,
          Sorry for not responding earlier, I didn’t see your post until now.
          Boy does that sound familiar. Well, for me, there are several important aspects to dealing with this issue.
          Firstly, to release the anger about what happened, what he did and so on, I’ve found that writing about it in my journal and really trying to validate myself while doing so, was the first thing that helped. I also wrote a lot of letters to my ex narc that I DID NOT SEND – VERY IMPORTANT – telling him exactly what a ******** he was, which was a great, liberating way of getting some of that anger out without compromising the No Contact rule. I also talked about it with my wonderful therapist, who was great at making me practice feeling my anger: How does the anger feel? Where do you feel it in your body? Etc. Doing this in the safe environment of the therapy session was part of learning that this feeling is safe to have and lose some of the fear of it. Last but certainly not least I released a lot of the anger when I found NARP and made the great decision to buy it. The healing modules are all about connecting to and releasing all the painful emotions, including anger, and then letting them go and healing the wounds and belief systems that lie at the bottom of them. This certainly brought me to the next level, but especially when you have a lot of repressed anger cooped up inside of you, you will have to repeat them quite a few times (I did).
          All of this brought me to the point where I am now, where I have moved past the anger about what he did and rather feel a calm, detached recognition of “His behavior was completely unacceptable, but it’s just not my problem anymore and I will never let him or anyone else do this to me again.” This took me like 3-4 months. But I had to go THROUGH the anger to get there – not “around” it.
          By the way I found that sometimes some of my emotions were blocking each other, and I had to for instance release some of the grief and sorrow before I could connect to the anger; or sometimes when I released anger I would suddenly find myself sobbing because releasing the anger made room for a whole lot of unresolved grief that came up. All this is part of the healing process.
          One last important point for me is, that besides releasing the anger about the ex narc, it is paramount for me – and probably for you too – to practice how to uphold boundaries in an assertive way on a daily basis – instead of, like I did before, ignore or repress my aggressive feelings and “play nice” until I would either get passive-aggressive, depressed/anxious or suddenly lash out in an over-aggressive way because “the barrel was full”. This, like learning any new skill, is all about practice, practice, practice. I’m using any opportunity I get to practice assertiveness. For instance, when friends say something that somehow hurts me, even if it’s no “big deal”, I don’t shut up like I used to in order to “be nice” and avoid conflict, but practice calmly saying stuff like “You have a right to your opinion of course, but it actually makes me feel a little annoyed that you just said that. I personally think X and Y about this.” When you practice expressing your aggression / anger early in this calm, assertive manner in those small, everyday situations it’s not only great for your boundaries and self-esteem; it also gradually dissolves the fear you feel about anger as a “dangerous” and “wrong” feeling and the risk of getting depressed, anxious or “snapping” at some point because you didn’t acknowledge the feeling earlier. While doing this it was important for me to keep telling myself and talking with others about the fact that if we handle them in the right way, aggressive feelings are not “wrong” or something we should feel “guilty” about, and that it is our birthright and even our duty to look after ourselves and uphold our boundaries before we try to take on anyone else’s problems. I know this cognitive level isn’t enough; but it was still an important part for me.
          I truly recommend Mels ebooks about this topic, there is one about boundaries that I think would be great for you to read. The one about forgiveness also features a lot of great exercises for releasing anger.

          Hope this helped!
          Hugs

  • jenny.chantler@yahoo.co.uk'
    Jenny
    May 15, 2013

    Thanks as always Melanie for your perfect timing.

    And I so agree with the comment about staying in touch with your website forever, because the ensnarement by an NPD man leaves me, like any addict, needing to be on constant alert from relapse. This was made even clearer by seeing how other exes were still hooked back in, even after decades. Yet because I think I got closest to his “little me inside” I ended up getting hurt the most. Not the sort of payoff you should expect from a healthy relationship surely?

    So love and light to us all in this after NPD space!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Just want everyone to know – there are far too many posts streaming in on this article for me to reply to…

      I will pick out any pertinent ones or ones with questions…

      Mel xo

  • info@freeformboard.com'
    Tony
    May 15, 2013

    great advice but what if your narc has linked up with another lying, manipulative abuser and you have 3 young children together? Seems there is no escapting the nightmare.

    • sarina0106@yahoo.com'
      sarina
      May 15, 2013

      Hello, that sounds like a really tough situation, I’m sorry! I do know that if we can strengthen out boundaries, it really helps! The wounds start to heal, and we can protect ourselves form further injury. This requires a lot of work, and can be taxing, but it is SO worth it! I don’t know if you have checked out Melanie’s e-books (lots are free) and other articles, or if you have tried her meditation modules, but I will swear by them. They are very helpful. I am using them to shore up my boundaries and protect myself from these abusive types, that always seem to find me. It is working, too. I am getting results, and I am not in anywhere near as much pain. I know I still have a ways to go, but I have all of these tools, and I just pick them up.

    • djpeart7@gmail.com'
      Jane
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Tony.
      I relate so much to what you are writing-the thought of a stranger having negative influence on my children is very distracting. After going through all the possible scenarios of such an interaction I return to the light-there I find myself and a solution that I think is the only one that is healthiest for me-lovinging myself…..from this position/perspective I can best observe what is best for my children-I have learnt to be very patient-its very difficult at times-I am learning new boundaries and self awareness-from this place I can best observe what is going on around me-I am learning and re-adjusting on what seems to be a permenant basis-it is very dynamic. My ego is getting a real”workout” so to speak. Stay strong-follow the light-it will guide you:)

      Thank you for sharing.

      Lots of love

      Jane

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Tony,

      As tough as it seems, there is a way out and people have achieved it.

      My suggestion is NARP and reading this article. I have seen many people overcome what you are going through.

      https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-to-help-your-children-wh-are-affected-by-narcissists/

      Mel xo

  • trhnsn@gmail.com'
    Teri Hansen
    May 15, 2013

    And I have one more comment to make. I have been reading anything, everything, going to psychics, therapists, etc….And have to say Melanie has been the biggest part of my recovery. However, in Dr. Phil McGraw’s new book LIFE CODE, he explains that “we, the victim” or as he calls us “willing participants”, do not get it because we DO NOT have the same construct as a narcissist does. What he is about, how he thinks and what he does, is so NOT part of our being, that is why we are left confused, and twisted in trying to figure it out, hurt, and in my case suicidal, trying to create peace. I finally realized that what my EX did to me,(or as Dr. Phil said, I let him do it to me, as we all do…..for whatever reason) was NOT about me……it was all about him,,,,,,yeah, I let it continue 24 years too long……but once we all get the “its about them that is disturbed and not something that is wrong with us”…..it all came together.

    • sarina0106@yahoo.com'
      sarina
      May 15, 2013

      Hello, I agree that it is about them, and not US. This way, we can let go of guit, shame, sorrow and move into new life! It is so wonderful! It doesn’t really matter ultimately to me anymore if he meant to do what he did or he didn’t. I am happy now. I did at first, wonder about this though, and I think the information in the article is especially helpful for people just leaving the situation, that are blaming themselves. Thanks for your post!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Teri,

      I agree that the narcs pathological methods, lack of reverence and disintegrated False Self are not ‘ours’.

      However – God and Life does not roll dice…there are specific reasons why we attracted and maintained relationships with them – and if we want to TRULY create a healthy, solid and full (from the inside out) life – then we need to deeply have a look within.

      THat is the gift of this experience – our own healing and evolution to a more self-empowered, enriched, meaningful and fulfilling life than we previously had access to.

      This is a much deeper spiritual persepctive than psychological – and it has nothing to do with ‘blaming’ ourselves – it is about inspiring our desire to grow.

      Mel xo

  • msmwhere@gmail.com'
    Maria W
    May 15, 2013

    I Love You!!!
    and
    Thank You for every thing you do to help us wake up and heal ourselves so that in turn our little ones are safe and happy.

    xx
    Maria and Lotus

  • qiyaam.j.zahed@gmail.com'
    Qiyaam
    May 15, 2013

    This is the first time I ever comment on an article. However, I must say that this article, as well as the others have been so helpful. I have already mapped out what I want my life to be and am really exited about it. There is no way I am going to stay with my N as much as I love him. I have to go, for my own sake, so that I can be happy, free and at peace and live the life that I was meant to.
    Thank you Melanie for making me see that. You really “marketed my inner self to me” and now, I cant help but want it.

  • hippiest1@gmail.com'
    Miss C
    May 15, 2013

    The whole point of recovery is to NOT spend time focussing on the narc – that is literally like putting your hand repeatedly in a fire and asking yourself why it keeps burning you. We all allowed this to happen to us – without exception. Focus instead on YOU, healing, find out about you, low self esteem and co-dependency. Let me tell you it’s shocking,liberating! it’s not easy to take a long hard look at yourself but it’s exciting and it’s your real key to freedom. By liberating yourself, you will have much better things to think about. I am one year on and feeling more alive than I have ever done. He did me a favour, he made ME change.
    A better life IS out there, Happiness IS out there – when you are healed your vibration will rise and when that happens – nothing will shake it.

    • sarina0106@yahoo.com'
      sarina
      May 15, 2013

      I agree, the experience made me change as well, and I am really healing. Of course, I would’ve like to not have to be in so much pain there for a while, haha. But I do believe I am coming out stronger on the other side. My boundaries are getting better and better every day. I don’t know if I can be quite in the place you are in, and say that I am happy he made me change, but I hope to be at that pont someday. I also hope to be in a loving relationship with someone who does not want to hurt me. I believe that that last situation showed me more of how to avoid what I don’t want and to have boundaries. I also know not to take on peoples stuff. It was his, not mine

      • hippiest1@gmail.com'
        Miss C
        May 15, 2013

        Hi Sarina.. You will get there, it isn’t easy and I have done a lot of work on myself. Before that I focussed (like we all did) on him, how could he – *fill in your own story here* Then one day after more smear about me appeared, a very wise friend said to me – “his words come from an empty heart, the words are only arrows made of straw that can be blown away with the wind. let them fall far from you, they cannot hurt unless you let them” That’s when it hit me, that the hooks were still in me because I LET them be. I can tell you that if you truly love and honour yourself with strong boundaries – ALL your relationships will change, some will leave your life – more importantly – new people will enter it. Trust and believe in yourself.. and good luck x

  • lilltorill.andersen@gmail.com'
    No more self denial
    May 15, 2013

    This question has haunted me so many times, since I was a kid, with a narc father.

    I did not find an answere, because I always turned to the narc for feedback on my reality- and of course I was being “helped” staying in an incredibly confusing state of mind, as his reality switched from day to day, depending on where I was mentally and emotionally, and depending on what kind of questions I was asking, what I was focusing on. Because I looked at the relation as a relation and was dependent since I was a child of my narc father, but it seem now that this same narc father looked at the relation as all himself; I often felt like I was seen and treated like I was an extender, some kind of extra limb of him. In his eyes, it seemed, that I was not able to steer my own life and had to be controlled- if I had my own feelings and stated it, he could say “No, you are not feeling that! You are feeling this!” And if I had come up with a decision on something for myself, a decision that came solely from ME, and that would lead me in another direction than he himself wanted for me (or, more correctly; that he wanted for himself of course, hehe), he would state and keep stating that someone else had been making me think that way; that I had been somehow exposed for “bad influence” somewhere from. And he would both directly and “sneakingly” work to influence me back to how he himself wanted me to think and decide, and keep me away from what he saw as “bad influence” (wich afterhand, I see, mostly was actually influences of the more healthy kind). But the same time, he was always staing how much he loved me, and how inportant it was for him that I had full freedom to go in any direction that I wanted in life. “The world lies at you feet.” he used to say to me.

    For him, that was the only good way being a parent, “because the world could not be trusted, only him and my mother” (my mother, wich he also controlled). His truth statements changed with the situation, and he demanded always to have his will and be the priveleged head of family. Same time he hated the old fashioned mid-East patriarch husbands that he could sit yell at the TV telling them how disgusting they were.

    It is easy to see now how he behaved and how he unconsciously hated his own behavior, but it was not easy to see back then. And, when I finally started to really see the patterns, it took many years to actually believe it was really happening, that it was possible to really behave in such ways, to BE like that. I wanted to believe that he was just needing some help and some love. and patience. I did not believe that such evil existed. But I in the end had to change that belief. He really was that way, and I do no longer believe that I will be able to make him understand me and see me for who I am and respect me, and love me. I do no longer search for why he is like that. Because he needs to be responsible for himself. I had to free myself from that relation, to be able to become fully responsible for ME, in this world, in this life. I was almost 40 when I finally stopped patiently waiting for permission from my parents to grow up. I had to face the fact that they never would give that permission. Wow, does such an upbringing make out-of-this-world patient co-dependents, hehe!

    I am telling this to share it with others- I have been no contact with my father for years, and my (still to a degree controlled) mother since april this year, and I am not tempted to seek back again, even I am very sad seeing my mother trapped in that relationship. I just had to let go; she is after all responsible for her own life, she is not my responsibility and it would be craziness trying to fix her life for her. I know I did try at a point- a really desperate codependent finale- that was the last thing I did before my big personal breakdown, leaving them behind and entering all the aftershocks and CPTSD period, after almost 40 years in that family. I felt haunted by my father for a long time, until I gained inner strength enough to ask him to leave and then lock him out of my body and psyche and out of my space.
    It was a really perverse relation.
    I used years after cutting with the family physically by creating a distance and living in hidden address; to experience that he worked through my mother and sister as well, so that I had to cut them out too. That really hurt, but that is what it takes for me to heal. Now the healing accellerates to new stages; places in me where I have not been before in this life; and my intelligence is on the rise, to the point where I actually now see myself soon to ready to interact with and relate to people again. This time in healthy ways.

    • sarina0106@yahoo.com'
      sarina
      May 15, 2013

      Hello,
      Thanks so much for responding. NO contact is so KEY! And it is incessant how the narcissist knows how to work through other people, that is for sure. I am so glad that you were able to let go, and that letting go has led you to a new life. It really is painful to accept that the narcissist is incapable of changing, and that they know what they are doing well enough to have consequences to their behavior.I have a lot of empathy, as I came form a background where my caregivers treated me narcissistically as well, and I had to cut them off. I am now on the road to meeting new healthy people, and being able to select who I put myself around, and to being able to leave abusive situations immediately

  • cheryl.sc@gmx.co.uk'
    Cheryl-Anne
    May 15, 2013

    Thank-you so much Melanie.

    I have always ‘needed’ to make sense of what happened and why. This article goes a very long way to explain the processes at play here. I am starting to recover from a devastating affair with a narc who ‘abandoned’ me in January this year because I became fearful of his irritation when trying to sort out a visit to his home for the weekend. I decided to book into a hotel 5 minutes drive from his home for the first evening, explained carefully why, and suggested we meet up in the lounge and have dinner together. His reaction was so shocking and malicious that it took me weeks to recover. He ordered me not to come, then fired txts saying it was ‘Too Late’, then sent me an e-mail saying he is going to commit suicide and that he would do it. I felt I was loosing my mind quite literally. After many unanswered calls, txts, mails I finally phoned his work to find out if he had arrived at work on the Monday, only to hear him laughing in the background with one of his colleagues. A part of me died that day and for many months. In April I suffered a light heart attack and landed up in hospital. While lying in bed it finally dawned on me that I deserve so much better and am worth so, so much more. The hard part is that I have to learn to love myself enough to find the energy and the will to do this.

    He has recently written and said he never did this and he loves me, and that I broke the relationship. I have not responded.

    This website has saved my life. I hope that other people reading this will realise their experiences are not unique and that this does happen, and to very nice, intelligent people!

    This last article finally explained to my rational self what is at work here and why. I have been going for reiki and doing lots of things to help and nurture myself. Yes, it does get better, and yes, I still have days of incredible sadness because there were unbelievably tender moments and an incredible ‘bonding’. What I need to do is recognise that this was not a true bonding, that I too have dependency needs, to recognise them and heal them, and believe that a wonderful world exists out there for me.

    BTW I have enrolled for part-time post grad studies and it is hard, but life is strange and if you take one little step to help yourself…….life does come forward to help you!

    I wish you all a full recovery, and much light and love in your lives!

    • sarina0106@yahoo.com'
      sarina
      May 15, 2013

      Hello, thanks for your reply! I am all to well familiar with the mental abuse that narcissists can do with us. I have been there where I felt I was literally going to lose my mind. In fact, I think I did! I only began to get it back when I left that situation, and started to heal myself on a deep level. I often wondered myself if he knew what he was doing, and when I realized he DD know it hurt even more. After I felt the hurt, though, I got angry -and my anger allowed me to leave! It was very freeing for me to realize that this was like a game to him.

      • cheryl.sc@gmx.co.uk'
        Cheryl-Anne
        May 15, 2013

        Thank-you Sarina for sharing your thoughts. I dont know what is wrong with me but I just don’t feel anger. It is probably the most normal reaction to have and if I did, I am sure would help me move forward. Fortunately, we never lived together as he worked in another city, but we did spend a lot of time together. He repeatedly told me how wonderful I was, how amazing, how beautiful and that he will one day marry me. One can feel so ‘lost’ and alone when trying to cope with the fall-out of all this. Have found Melanie’s work such a life-saver, quite literally. I think you have hit something on the head that I have not considered: that it is all a game to him!
        I wish you well.

  • Shikwi@hotmail.com'
    Sammi
    May 15, 2013

    Thank you for this excellent article, Melanie! I have a question, as most of your work seems to be focused on romantic relationships. In my case, the narcissist is my mother (who is in turn married to an incredibly emotionally immature man). The fact that she is my mother makes it more difficult for me to get away from her. I did move as far away as possible after college & cut ties with her. However, I later became permanently and fully disabled. Because she is my only family and I am unable to care for myself, I am now forced to live with her. I have not been able to find another option, and she does give me the basic care, but I’m sure you can only imagine what it entails to be ill and dependent on someone with NPD, and I also feel like the only adult in this house, though I am the one most in need of support. Do you have any suggestions for how to best live with this situation? Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Sammi,

      this is a difficult situation ofr you to be in – but not insumountable..

      I am a huge advocate for Law of Attraction – meaning that the more we work on our own perception/ vibration the more we are able to ‘hold our space’…

      Your own inner work and healthy boundaries, and also being able to simply ‘accept’ the things about her you can’t change are your only choice if you truly can’t leave.

      Mel xo

    • swingdancer2004@yahoo.com'
      Esther
      May 17, 2013

      I feel for you. My N mother also cared for her mother who had dementia the last few years of her life. While my N mother met my grandmother’s physical needs, the emotional abuse to my grandmother was horrible. Even my grandmother’s dog became extremely depressed – that was my first experience seeing how an N could break an animal down. Now my N mother recalls a totally different story and rewrites history. When I say to my N mother that I heard her say or do something with my own ears/eyes. She denies it and then withholds communication from me for long periods of time. I will remember you in my prayers. Are there any good programs in your state for assisted living or in-home caregivers? I know your mother takes care of your basic needs, but I bet you hear about it every day how much she is giving up to do so. I can hear my own mother’s words.

  • lisa.dore@optusnet.com.au'
    Leesa
    May 15, 2013

    This is one of your best articles I have read Melanie. I can only re-iterate to all who suffer narcissistic abuse that No contact is the only way to end the cycle of madness, pain and effect these people have. It hurts like hell but eventually the sun shines again, life gets better. Once you heal and learn to put all the time, love and energy you once gave the narcissist and instead give it to yourself, an amazing transformation occurs.

    Thank you Melanie your work is amazing!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Lessa,

      yes NC is vital – for thriver recovery BC is the beginning – it is not the end in itself.

      It creates the space and time for the true inner work to begin – as you have stated!

      You are very welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

  • liv.eberlein@gmail.com'
    Liv
    May 15, 2013

    It’s articles like these that have helped me find so much more peace with everything that has happened. Reading it just installs such an incredible calmness in me, because all the stuff that drove me mad now 1) makes perfect sense and 2) hast lost its power over me, because I finally get it: He did and said what he did and said (and actually believed himself) because his brain won’t let him operate or see reality in any other way. I don’t have to drive myself crazy anymore trying to understand him or make him accountable in or just “get” the framework of normal human empathy and perception, because I know that this is just utterly impossible. Maybe it’s a sign of how much I’ve already healed that this knowing doesn’t agonize me, but rather gives me total peace of mind to leave alone what is completely beyond my influence or reality.
    Thank you for your spot on insight!

    • sarina0106@yahoo.com'
      sarina
      May 16, 2013

      Hello, I’m not sure where I heard it, but some wise person said that “narcs lie and think that because they say it, ti becomes true”!! This makes perfect sense as narcissists think that they are gods. Therefore, it is like god re-writing the story. Boy, if that’s not evidence that there is no hope- I don’t know what is!
      Thanks for your post!

      • swingdancer2004@yahoo.com'
        Esther
        May 17, 2013

        Sarina, What a great quote. I used to think my N believed his lies. Then I learned about “gas lighting” and I called him on it the next time he did so. He got a big grin on his face that he had been found out, like he had thought I was stupid or something before then. I knew but it was so irrational at the time that I didn’t have a label for it. He was so seemingly sure of himself that he had me guessing my own sanity.

      • liv.eberlein@gmail.com'
        Liv
        May 24, 2013

        Exactly!

  • cmerzeder@me.com'
    Christine
    May 15, 2013

    Dear all who have replied to this blogpost. All of you with success stories, congratulations. All of you, who are still stuck and suffering, ice-shards and black ink running through your veins……please know that there is help. It is the NARP = Narcissistic abuse recovery program, offered by Melanie. I am one of the thrivers after Narc abuse and cannot believe my progress in a very short time frame. Please check out Melanie’s website and sign up. You are then granted access to the NARP facebook group which is there for extra support and the sharing of success stories and healing. In this program we take the focus off the narcissist and work on our inner unhealed wounds at an incredible thorough level, it clears out the trauma at cell level and lets US back in. For me, it was a truly homecoming experience. My heart goes out to all of you out there who want to heal too. Christine. Switzerland.

  • birthe.carlsen@hotmail.com'
    Birthe
    May 15, 2013

    Hi Melanie. Your articles are the best i ever read,and i have read a lot. I have a comment the N do not want to heal, when he is, he just do it to build up himself. My N said after his divorse, that he could use me to build himself up again, and then he felt like born new again,and ready to start a new life.And yes, they know what they are doing,even if it is wrong, they know different between right and wrong, but they do not care as long as what they want is stronger.No matter to people near them get hurt.

    • swingdancer2004@yahoo.com'
      Esther
      May 17, 2013

      The only way my N could sometimes see how his behavior might affect me is when I would do that behavior back to him. Then he would say, oh I see how you must have felt so immediately discontinue that behavior now. Then he would project onto me as the bad person as if he never had done that behavior. When I did start putting myself first in the relationship, it was unacceptable to him for me to be so self-focused. He immediately dumped me by the wayside for having a self, and when I asked him about the 18 years I had spent suffering from his N behavior, he simply replied that was my bad for staying but he wasn’t going to put up with it. Wow, and I could have had a V8. I thought my long-suffering might mean something to him, but it meant nothing, he simply counted it as stupidity. N’s count those they abuse as people stupid enough to take it, and I guess because of our low self-esteem we are.

  • pommnitz@gmail.com'
    Maren
    May 15, 2013

    After trying to hold a NC ex accountable for six months of my life, I am convinced that there is no solution to it other than just getting the hell out and minimize the damage he can do to you. Everything else is a waste of energy, because there is no possible way of succeeding in this game. It just destroys your own life and soul.

  • abeer_sneineh@yahoo.com'
    Abeer
    May 15, 2013

    Strong article and in time.

    But i have one question: the article says that the narcissist feels like a victim deep down inside, and at the same time the article says the narcissist views stuff in a ‘remote viewing’ and it feels like watching a car crash. How can he feel a victim when it feels like a remote car crash? isn’t this a contradiction?

    Thanks for the beautiful work!

    • cmerzeder@me.com'
      Christine
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Abeer, no, this is not a contradiction: The narc feels like a victim, empty of a personality and self. The remote viewing is targeted at other people, not himself. Because he is so empty, he cannot take responsibility and is never accountable, thus removed from his horrible deeds. He does all that to numb the horrific pain inside. He has often been a victim too, this does not exonerate him, he needs to walk his path, however, we, who are affected, need to focus on ourselves and heal and thrive. Hope, this helps. Christine.

      • abeer_sneineh@yahoo.com'
        Abeer
        May 15, 2013

        Thanks Christine. This is just beyond my comprehension. I’ve always believed that human beings are good deep down inside but circumstances made them act differently. To believe in this pure evil state is against all my beliefs of goodness and change. I’m an extremly analytical person who won’t settle down for answers that challenge my life time beliefs. At the same time, I just want to scream I don’t care what’s wrong with him and it’s his own business and it doesn’t matter what its called, but I keep getting stuck. I just feel I’ll be stuck forever.

        • cmerzeder@me.com'
          Christine
          May 15, 2013

          Please Abeer, remember, we always have a choice. Please do NARP, it is the way out. I had immediate relief! Christine.

        • swingdancer2004@yahoo.com'
          Esther
          May 17, 2013

          I used to believe in the inherent goodness of others, and I got used and abused. N’s can smell us a mile away. Read Dr. Phil’s new book “Life Codes”. If you go out into the jungle, you are going to get eaten alive unless you have the proper boundaries to protect yourself. You have to be able to spot the predator and go away before he spots you.

  • Marie_3913@hotmail.com'
    Marie
    May 15, 2013

    Hey Maren, this is spot on. They cannot, will not are unable to change or accept any responsibility. It took me too many years to realise this (@ at high price). If you can do what is necessary to protect and remove yourself from the narcissist I encourage you to consider this action. it is necessary for your survival & healing. I could not start to recover until I’d removed myself from this person and implemented NC. Check in to the Facebook page and Melanie’s Narp program. Truly there IS a better life for you. They are “demauntors”…

  • Mattcameron05@me.com'
    Matt
    May 15, 2013

    I was struggling today the contact that’s not avoidable when children are involved is taking its toll I wish there were ways to make it easier for picking up and dropping off the kids ,this article helps ,because it separates them as inhuman which means I can look at her differently but I can’t help getting the kreeps when she is close by ,I find that I can see through people’s real personality far better now and I’m enjoying the company of some great people now all your words of inspiration have come to help me so much thanks Mel

  • dhanyamenonp@gmail.com'
    dora
    May 15, 2013

    Thank you very much for this article.
    Narcissism is the ultimate test of implementing the saying that in order to change your life, you need to change yourself. Every attempt to change the Narcissist will be walled until out of desperation, one turns to oneself and thinks – How can I change myself so I am happy?
    Before I met the narcissist, I felt that I could change the world. Now I know that life is too short to even change myself.

    • veronica@gravityride.com'
      Veronica
      May 16, 2013

      Dora, you are absolutely right in that trying to change the narcissist doesn’t work, but if you’ve had a narcissist relationship in your life, please realize that it is an opportunity presenting you with parts of yourself that weren’t healed, and it affords you an incredible opportunity to look within and change and grow into a better version of yourself, one that is aligned with your True Self so that you can have a life of peace and happiness. And when you are happy, you can extend that happiness to others and in turn change their world for the better. Hugs to you.

  • S@llymarsden.co.uk'
    Sally
    May 15, 2013

    Hi Melanie – this article explains so suscinctly what ive been trying to explain the the ex narcs ex friends. THey come to me saying things like ‘but why do you think he would do that/say that’ ‘What can he possibly gain from doing that/saying that’ ‘what was his motivation?’ etc etc and although i know all the reasons inside my own head and try to explain i couldnt explain it like you just have so im going to email them a link to this page. Thank you soooo much. I asked the Narc to leave 7 months ago and i rarely torture myself any more and when i do its for seconds rather than days, but his friends are still having problems and this will really help them. Its awful how it affects everyone around them – until i separated myself from the narc i thought i was the only person he did it too.

    Thanks again!!

  • lucy.mae@westnet.com.au'
    Lucy
    May 15, 2013

    I love this blog; it made me laugh; it took me back to the past and through the whole cycle – a touch of pity, then puzzlement, then outrage, and finally the realisation you can only let him go and rebuild your own life.

    When I have to think of my long-past narcassist (which happens from time to time, as he still lives nearby), I try to call up an image from early in our relationship. He was what I think they call a fragile narcassist, lunging between grandiosity and profound self-pity. One morning, at the breakfast table, he burst into tears. But he didn’t stop eating. He kept eating, and weeping, and eating, and weeping, until the plate was clean.
    I felt as though I was watching a little boy, in real distress, but too afraid to stop eating because he knew that would only bring more anger, more criticism, perhaps a beating.
    And, in that moment, I felt the deepest sorrow for him.
    It was only the one moment, and it doesn’t excuse the other three years of abuse! – but, personally, I found that one, tiny touch of compassion an important part of my recovery.

    That is his tragedy, I think – in the act of cutting off all access to his own authentic feelings, he actually cut off any possibility of my authentic feelings reaching him, as well. Sad, isn’t it.

    PS: I’ve been bobbing into your blog for a couple of months, hoping you would write some more about ‘psychic energy’ – hint, hint. I well remember the day I suddenly realised I had lost something – that thing inside that is real, and true, and good, and constant. It was a horrifying feeling and just the shock I needed to make me get really honest with myself and get out of that relationship. But, I suspect I’ve been guilty of ‘leaking’ a bit of psychic energy his way over the years, just by holding onto that bit of resentment at his succeeding with skills he learnt from me all those years ago.

    Thanks again. This is by far the best writing on this topic I’ve found on the web – you must feel a *lot* of good psychic energy drift your way!

    • sarina0106@yahoo.com'
      sarina
      May 16, 2013

      Hello,
      Wow, you hit on MY topic that I have been digging for info on. The psychic connection. It is VERY powerful. I noticed that it lessened when I do the modules, and I am continuing to do them to GET RID of that connection entirely! Can’t wait until that day. I am just grateful that I not still being directly fed on , and that I am taking care of myself!

  • tracyfrymiare@yahoo.com'
    Tracy Frymiare
    May 15, 2013

    ty i so want to understand this N behavior. it makes so much sense. facing truth is good but sometimes hurtful. trying to avoid any pain is my first desire but facing truth brings ultimate freedom. there is what my goal should really be. the pretending is ending. ty ty for all the info it has been sooooo helpful

  • dkrob43@gmail.com'
    Brooke
    May 15, 2013

    Oh how I remember those days when the Narc would agree and be accountable after behaving unethically, only in a moment or a day later– would turn it back on me all over again — all my fault. This was explained so well Melanie! Loved it. I think the hardest sticking point for me at this juncture in healing has been to face that loneliness that was being covered over by having the NARC in place of that. So without him it feels so deep– that longing and that loneliness. But as I continue to dig, I know its a loneliness for my true self and my connection to that authentic self.(I think the loss of that connection is really the painful thing for me)Its not the loss of the NARC. There is something a bit scary about facing that at the moment, that I am seeking to embrace. We have to distinguish that so that we can go further into healing our own “stuff.” I loved this Melanie, xo to you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Brooke,

      so, so true – the true paoin we have about narcissistic abuse – is actually not to do with the narcissist…it is to do with our relationship that we have not deeply established as yet with ourself.

      Hence why the narcissist entered our life to bring that to our conscious attention.

      The gift is IF we take notice and do the self-development to work out what that is.

      THEN we turn the inner key to loving ourselves and creating genuine non-narcissistic relationships…

      What feels scary is your ego would like something on the outside to pick up those pieces…but that is self-defeating, and leads to the same painful co-dependency cycle.

      Don’t be afraid – because your wonderful ‘meadow’ awaits you on the other side – the True You…and it’s time to find, heal and claim her Brooke.

      It is wonderful you are seeking to embrace her – you are coming home…

      Mel xo

    • swingdancer2004@yahoo.com'
      Esther
      May 17, 2013

      I am at the same place. The overwhelming loneliness I feel. Although, with the N I had to do everything by myself anyway. It is really not much different, but it sure feels that way when you go from a little bit of companionship to nothing associated with the sudden and unexpected discarding. Yes, at times I get emotional when I recall a story of abuse toward me because I abandoned myself and let it happen. Somehow his well being was more important than my own in order to keep his love and affection. I pushed down the anger which I am now learning is a healthy “signal” that my boundaries are being violated. The N put it so spot-on one time when he called my 1 or 2 explosions as being brought on by what I “perceived” as an “injustice”. He was actually naming it as such that it really was – an “injustice”, then projecting and blaming my bahavior on having “perceived” it.

  • ln3942@gmail.com'
    Lisa
    May 15, 2013

    Thanks Melanie, I have started to trust the feeling that I’ve left it behind. 12 months and counting. You have wonderful insights.

  • marjoriecgreen@btinternet.com'
    marjorie green
    May 15, 2013

    Hi Melanie, Thanks for your great insights. I was an extermely independent, happy-go-lucky person with a very strong ‘internal frame of reference’ until I became hooked by a narcissist who spent the first years 95% of the time as the charmer. On his father’s death [ another mega controlling N] my ex went to pieces and the N in him came out ‘all guns blazing’. This also coincided with the birth of our only son. Long story short, after 8 years of his crazy making swings between denigration and swinging back to being the ‘perfect partner’ while blaming me for ‘forcing him’ to be so denigrating [ been there? seen it? done it?]I left: FOR GOOD THIS TIME-No-one else involved. As bad as I thought his behaviour was his vindictiveness was now off the scale. We were apart throughout but it took me eight years to get a divorce: he had made an unspeakable threat that ensured I danced to his tune and the divorce never happened until HE was ready.I was on the floor emotionally and was hospitalized twice. I tried every kind of ‘talk therapy’. The only thing that helped was when I discovered Energy Psychology:) Fast forward a few years, I went on to devise my own ‘Energy Techniques’ that allowed me FINALLY to regain CLARITY and recapture the BOUNCE-BACK -ABILITY I thought I had lost forever. I have just finished writing the book so that others in my position can discover how easy it is once you are able to clear the ‘trapped vibrations’ from your ‘Energy System’ – vibrations caused by the myriad unresolved emotions that is part of the territory in being caught in the narcissists web. What I would really like to know is: HOW DID YOUR EX [EX’S] REACT TO YOU ‘OUTING’ THEM AS NARCISSISTS? Mine still refuses to believe that he is one. I know he would sue me if he could. Your reply will be much appreciated 🙂 Marjorie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Marjorie,

      you are welcome…

      Please know I don’t subscribe to we could be perfectly ‘okay’ before the narc turned up..

      There is no way healthy and solid self-love and self-respect and boundary function would not leave – we stayed and tried to change and fix rather than draw the line, pull away and look after ourself because point blank we had co-dependent tendencies…

      That is great that you have been able to find the ways to deeply, inwardly and cellulary heal – I am a big fan of methods that work deeply on the inner…

      I think you know the answer to that question…I have absolutely nothing to do with them or any knowledge of their lives…and of course it was ME who had all the problems – according to them..

      (Was it any different for any of us….I have never heard it to be…)

      If only “I” had gone to therapy and fixed my issues they could have had a wonderful relationship with me…

      What is great is yes ABSOLUTELY I had issues – that KEPT me in the narc relationships…and having worked on these issues means rather than ‘making the relationship with them work’ (of course it was ‘me’ that created them to act narcissistically!!) it has ensured that I would rather eat 10 steak knives simultaneously than ever go back!

      Non-accountability from narcissists means non-accountability – period! 🙂

      I’m wondering why on earth you feel the need to ‘make’ him ‘get’ that he is a narcissist?

      Firstly that is impossible and secondly in no shape or form does your wellbeing – or the creation of your fulfilling and loving life depend on that…

      Mel xo

    • swingdancer2004@yahoo.com'
      Esther
      May 17, 2013

      When I discovered my ex was an N and told him about it and the characteristics, he turned it on me and anything that I did to take care of self, he turned it around to make me be the N one.

  • ecej@tpg.com.au'
    Emma
    May 15, 2013

    Hi Melanie,
    Thank you for your response earlier tonight. What I actually wanted to say in my previous blog and became distracted with where I went was that it wasn’t that long ago that I ‘needed’ to know whether the narcissist knew what he was doing, whether he cared, whether he understood that what he does is amoral, immoral, wrong and that he has lost everything that is important in life but what your work; blogs, NARP, teaching and learning is that it really doesn’t matter any more. I don’t ‘need’ to know anymore. What he does or does not do is no longer important, it does not have anything to do with me, it does not have the power that it previously did. It is empowering to know that things that used to eat away at me now have no power to cause anger, distress or to drive thought processes.
    It is liberating. Thank you:)

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Emma,

      yes – that is it – you have encapsulated that perfectly.

      Those results come from the healing of our own unhealed parts – and then life opens up to ‘us’ and our truth (because we are free of these painful beliefs), and the narcissist fades into the background as a more and more distant memory…

      The narcissist’s life becomes totally irrelevant..

      It is liberating…and the total goal…

      Thank you for you post, and I am so pleased you have got there!

      Mel xo

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    Ruth
    May 15, 2013

    hi there Mel. I think there is a fine line sometimes between working through, being understood, being heard, and validated, for the purpose of healing, and sharing of stories that indulge and perpetuate a victim mentality. I am referring to your request to not sharing stories. I also see the addiction to the stories can become a defence against personal responsibility…a way to avoid it further. But it is also true, I felt I needed for a time, to tell the stories, to hear the words come out of my mouth, because I was finally telling on him.

    If he knows or does not know what he has done it does not change who he is and his behaviour. For me, this is key. Regardless, he is not banging down my door begging forgiveness, he is not in rehab, he is not going out of his way to pay back what he took, the behaviour tells more than any words. Therefore there is nothing to work with. This helps me with closure. My mission is to authentically forgive him and myself as Christ forgave, and to have a day where I don’t give him a second thought because I am too busy creating my own life. I am working on my own issues, anger, and self esteem now, before the introjects I took in do any more harm. My own reality became distorted along the way, and now it is being straightened out. It is a challenging process, but I am committed 100%.

    thanks!

    • arnold_marguerite@hotmail.com'
      Evy
      May 16, 2013

      Hi Ruth. As I’ve spent time in recovery from codependency and have a little hindsight I can see that needing the validation, needing to be understood etc was really about being codependent and didn’t help me. The sharing of the stories really just kept me in a place of victim hood and kept the peptide addiction that I had developed alive and well….the sharing of the stories was not helping me to move forward and heal myself.
      I have found in my recovery that a good rule of thumb is to spend about 90% of my time working on myself and healing the unhealed wounds that attracted me to the narcissist in the first place. The other 10% is best spent learning about narcissism in the early stages of recovery. I wanted to understand what created the awful relationship I had entered into. For me, knowledge is power and this not only includes knowledge of codependency and how it manifested itself in me, but also knowledge on narcissism. It is both put together that has completed the puzzle for me and helped bring me to a place of acceptance.
      I agree that our time is best spent in healing these wounds. I’m loving my recovery journey and can really say that I’m coming to a place where I feel I’m beginning to thrive as a result of the narcissistic experience.
      It really was my childhood experiences that had trained me to be focused on the narcissist and as I’ve been healing, I’ve found that naturally that focus has shifted onto me and this is so good. Also, the abuse of the narcissistic relationship compounded my codependence and so it has been such a healing journey for me as I’ve worked the NARP program and discovered myself in a way I have not known before. Freedom reigns.

  • hearth@xplornet.com'
    Karen
    May 15, 2013

    Such a wonderful explanation of a topic that is so difficult to understand. I am so bookmarking this one. Thank you Melanie!

    Latest victory: my ex-narc was getting all friendly with me again. So I skyped her, “Why are you getting all friendly with me again–things going sour between you and [her current squeeze]?”

    She was so furious she defriended me from skype, stopped RTing my tweets, and sticks to strictly procedural (child-care related) things in email and on the phone.

    Mission accomplished! And I don’t just mean her not talking to me: I mean me being *glad* she’s not talking to me, rather than feeling the pain of separation or the terrible sense I was doing something wrong, as before.

    • sarina0106@yahoo.com'
      sarina
      May 16, 2013

      Noce job! Yes, they do not like being confronted, they want everyone to play their games and kiss their bums. And it IS truly the BEST that you are happy she is leaving you alone. I feel this way, too and I am so grateful not to be still wanting what I will never get because it is not possible for a narcissist to provide it. I fully believe they are incapable of love.

  • isukoroniak@gmail.com'
    Anita
    May 15, 2013

    Melanie, fantastic article as always
    it explains a lot, really a lot and strangely it makes you feel better, as it proves yet once again that we couldn’t do anything to change anything… it’s like we can’t change the nature of a cockroach ( I don’t want to call anybody a cockroach but the comparison seems to fit). However, it is a bit hard to digest it. The first word that came to my mind when I started reading it ( in relation to the narcissist) was : ‘demonic’. They are demonic, it is demonic, as in inhuman. Wow…

    • arnold_marguerite@hotmail.com'
      Evy
      May 16, 2013

      Hi Anita….It did bring peace to learn not only about the narcissist but more so, to learn about myself in relation to the narcissist. I have healed enough through NARP to come to appreciate the “gift” that he has been to me. He has taught me to love myself and heal to discover that I can go to Source for my needs rather than make him my everything which is really what I did.

  • icehouse2k@hotmail.com'
    Karen
    May 15, 2013

    Hi Melanie, I am in a child of narcissistic parents and now in a 30 year relationship with yet another narcissist. I am very new to your website, books and blogs and have to say it has been eye opening and horrifying at the same time. I have been feeling like the crazy one for so long. I am extremely codependant as a result of my situations and have just now started my work on self healing and in hope that I can pull free even if just emotionally. Narcissism was first mentioned to me a few years ago. I didn’t really understand what it meant but at first glance I just couldn’t accept it as true. I am an intelligent person and have a hard time convincing myself that he was able to do this to me, but I’m beginning to see it a little better now. I’m sad for him and scared to death for me, the reality is so painful to accept. Thank you for all your insightful information. It has helped me realize I need to get help and heal myself before there is nothing left of me to heal.

    xoxo
    Karen

    • cmerzeder@me.com'
      Christine
      May 15, 2013

      Hi Karen, please do NARP, Melanie’s recovery program, most of us are very intelligent, but the hurt and trauma happen on a sub verbal/subconscious level, it is deeply spiritual and also deeply cellular. So please go ahead, the program gave me immediate relief, no prolonged suffering, just growing, learning and thriving and truly coming into my own. All the best. Christine.

  • c_etchegary@yahoo.com'
    Cheryle
    May 15, 2013

    Hi Melanie,
    So many of us with no prior experience with this type of person go to that place of taking responsibilty for their partner’s feelings and behaviour. For me, the more bizarre his comments, accusations and emotional outbursts were, the harder I tried to make sure he felt secure and loved. I ignored my intuition when it was screaming at me, that something wasn’t right. I suspect most people who read your articles did the same. I hurt myself a great deal trying to understand and help him but the focus is now myself. I’m learning to trust my intuition always. Thanks for writing what you do and my best wishes to all of you for happy and healthy minds and hearts

  • deb.chiniforoush@gmail.com'
    Debbie
    May 15, 2013

    Hi Melanie,

    I was married to a narc for 22 years, it was awful I thought I would never get over it. Your blogs have helped me a great deal to understand that I’m really not nuts.

    Thank you so much for your insight, I feel I understand what is really going on now.

    • arnold_marguerite@hotmail.com'
      Evy
      May 16, 2013

      Hi Debbie, I was married for twenty one years and had four kids with the Narcissist. By the time I left I was definitely suffering from major fear and anxiety etc. The abuse had accelerated my codependency. I found Melanie’s website and started the NARP program. It has been such a healing journey for me. Knowledge is power and this knowledge helps one to understand and have some peace. But NARP is healing me enegetically in a way that has brought me out of the fear etc to a place where I love myself and am therefore able to love others. Give it a try….you won’t regret it.

      • deb.chiniforoush@gmail.com'
        Debbie
        May 16, 2013

        Thank you so much for replying, I’m really finding so much knowledge from your emails. I feel I can move on and love again.

  • jo.westview@gmail.com'
    Jo
    May 15, 2013

    Thank you for your blogs, I don’t often read them now but having split with my narcissist husband 2.5 yrs ago I am just beginning to start getting things about our relationship clear in my head and I come across this – amazing how things happen as you need them to. I found this so useful and enlightening as it is exactly what I have been working out for myself. You have confirmed it and I feel even stronger in my resolve.
    Many thanks

  • jenniferkoladin@yahoo.com'
    Jennifer
    May 15, 2013

    Thanks for explaining their “brain wiring”.

    Since they don’t act logically, should we?

    I am implementing NO CONTACT. I have blocked my narcissist’s number from calling or texting my phone, and I’m going to block her email. Should I be kind and tell her I’m going to do it? This is so she would not “worry” about me – but she probably doesn’t really worry, does she? I’ve not responded in the past to text messages, and then she writes, “please let me know you are okay.” So, I do. I want and need no contact. So, Mel, what’s the best way to go? Thanks.

    • veronica@gravityride.com'
      Veronica
      May 16, 2013

      Jennifer,
      I’m not Mel, but I would recommend NO Contact whatsoever. All she would have to do to ‘hoover’ you back in would be to ask how you’re doing, and you would feel obligated to respond. Look into Melanie’s NARP program to truly understand the hooks and the psychic connection. You are right that she doesn’t really worry about you, she worries about her supply. Do what is best for you, the knowing in your heart that you want and need no contact. It is time to honor yourself.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 16, 2013

      Hi Jennifer,

      When we release co-dependency and start being true to looking after ‘self’ we understand this does not have anything to do with ‘doing the ‘right’ thing’ by others’…it is about honouring what is healthy for you.

      If you want and need NC – then do that…

      And then you can work on you inmwardly enough to heal and release your feelings of guilt and responsibility that are keeping you hooked in..

      Module 6 in NARP is all about precisely that topic.

      Mel xo

      • jenniferkoladin@yahoo.com'
        Jennifer
        May 17, 2013

        Thank you very much Mel and Veronica. I do want and need no contact. I will just take responsibility for myself and implement the second step. I appreciate very much both of your replies and will try to find Module six. Blessings to you both.
        Jennifer

  • iverson.family@cox.net'
    Robyn
    May 16, 2013

    Hi Melanie — I always appreciate your blog posts, it returns me to a healthier perspective and helps me focus on the things I can change and to reconnect to my own personal power. Thank you for helping me along on my journey.

  • psyche@iinet.net.au'
    Suzanne
    May 16, 2013

    Thanks Mel for this article. Helps to understand where the N is coming from. Helps me to really understand that there is nothing I could have done to make anything work well between us. It was never going to work and all the false promises were just that; nothing was true or meant sincerely. No wonder I felt so confused! Sometimes, even now, in my weaker moments, I wonder. I always come up with knowing that I don’t think I could have done anything to make things better. All I felt was confusion, hurt and my self-esteem was constantly under attack. I felt so demoralised and felt as if I was being destroyed piece by piece over time. I’m so glad that I saw enough light to remove myself after a year and a half. It is now 6 weeks NC for me. Sometimes I used to laugh uproariously and genuinely at some of the outrageous stupid lies. The lies were stupid, there was no real reason to lie in several instances and they were very transparent. I teach small children and I put the N in my life at age 5 developmentally (because of the behaviour), but a very nasty 5 year old. One of the hooks that caught me was his vulnerability and inability to manage his life. I got hooked into the damaged inner child. Although I never tried to rescue him, it was the hurt inner self that caught at my heartstrings. I was constantly on edge too because if I looked at him in a certain way, or accidentally touched him, the reaction was so out of proportion and I felt paranoid and as if I could never do anything right. I am breathing with relief to know that it was never about me or what I did. I hated being accused of things I never did, but often thought they could be projections. I feel a lot of compassion and very sad to think that the N in my life has very little hope to live a happy life. I truly feel sad but know that my job is to create the best life that I possibly can for myself and I am doing that very thing. Now I am attending fully to my own inner child and giving her all the attention that I was giving the N.

  • ddk3091@msn.com'
    Deborah
    May 16, 2013

    The timing of your emails amazes me! I needed this today! Thank you!

  • brenie_5651@yahoo.com'
    Brenda
    May 16, 2013

    Very informative……I sent a copy to my attorney in the hope it will help him plan my divorce against the “N.”

  • athissentiny@yahoo.com'
    Emily
    May 16, 2013

    I would like to know the gentleman I was with his short term memory was terrible, but he could remember things from way before that you had told him. I want to know if the short term memory goes with the NARC disorder. Thank for all your help soon I hope to buy your books

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 16, 2013

      Hi Emily,

      its not so much about memory as perception – the reality is skewed and therefore distorted…

      Not only is the narcs present skewed – the past is too….created as a version that is digestable (bearable) to the False Self.

      Mel xo

  • jodycascio@yahoo.com'
    Jody
    May 16, 2013

    Thanks for the letter Melanie,, I’ve read this several times before and each time I get more out of the article.. Getting much stronger ,, XO
    Jody

  • lyfintheshadow@yahoo.com'
    Shadow
    May 16, 2013

    Hi Melanie,

    Your posting are so empowering.
    I just got off from a 2 yr relationship with a narcisist, its still fresh as its only been 2 weeks. He is trying to get me back and im trying for dear life not go back. We have been breaking on and off a lot of times and its mostly because a part of me is trying to fight all the abuse that i have been receiving. My prob is we work together and the no contact is impossible to do. When i feel the pull to go back as right now all he says are great, i read your blogs and i re read all your materials to help me. The pull is very strong at this point and I dont know what to do.

    • veronica@gravityride.com'
      Veronica
      May 16, 2013

      Hi Shadow,

      Read up on NO CONTACT/Modified contact, and Melanie has tons of information on this site explaining the dynamic you are in, why you feel the pull, and why the cycle keeps repeating. Good for you for knowing you want out. I highly suggest Melanie’s NARP program to change the dynamic at a deeper energetic level, as this is a journey about your self-discovery and healing the parts of you that the narc is trying to show you. Once you work on the energetic part of the equation that is part of you, your encounters at work with the N will be inconsequential because it just wont be a part of your reality. The pull and the pain and the abuse will no longer affect you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 16, 2013

      Hi Shadow,

      Rather than having to keep using the articles at props – the real and durable way to recover is to do the work on your inner unhealed parts. Then you will not need the ‘management’ for as long as you have (or be living with the pain) – and for that to continue indefinetely.

      True recovery is about recovering – and working on yourself through NARP creates that…

      Mel xo

  • flyers.r.on.top@gmail.com'
    Dave
    May 16, 2013

    I think my problem may be unique, but I am not sure and so I would very much like help and insight!

    I recently ended a two year relationship, of which 75% of it was a lot of fighting and severe dysfunction. Early on, I learned of her PTSD and Dissassociative Disorder (formerly multiple personality). She promised to heal my “wounds” in life and we would live with great fun and excitement. I quickly fell in love. As our intimacy increased I saw glimpes of her trauma and I wanted to be the one to “heal” her too. At times, her stories did not seem to “add up”, but I could not challenge her on it because part of her trauma in life was not being believed by family and friends after the events occured. Soo, I kept believing in her. As time went on, trust kept breaking down – eventually to zero. She kept suspecting me of doing something. I tried everything to intstill supportive communication, but it never worked. She had to be right about everything! I never met someone who was unable to apologize. Even kids know how to do that. I would say something nice and she would perceive it radically different. Even a counselor we sought out mentioned it.

    Now the TWIST…

    I had gone through a custody evaluation for my child. In the eval, there werre several references to ME having Naracism – from friends and even the counselor. It was not enough for a diagnosis, but there were concerns. Naturally, I didn’t agree with it.

    I let my girlfriend see the eval on me and it was like pouring jet fuel on the fire. All of our problems were because of my naracism now. I couldn’t accept it at first (no surprise right). She even contacted YOU for support. I received your link and started to read. I saw several traits that I could accept that I had that were narcissistic. I became concerned. Imagine facing reality and not knowing if it was real or not. Very disorienting! However, I read your articles even more. OMG – I completely identified with the Narc victim! My partner was exacty how you described in this article – she looks wonderful to her friends and used my frustrations against me to villianize me. On and on in your article – it was EXACTLY her.

    Anyway, I eventually got her into therapy over a year ago and has seemed to improve on her PTSD and Dissassociation. She goes frequently and her mental break downs and medication has decreased. Over 6 months ago, she REQUIRED me to get help for my naracism. I loved her so much, that I agreed and wanted to be a better man. It was impossible to find a therapist to treat the actual person – only victims. I was finding out it almost defeats the definition of a naracist to look for help. I did the best I could in selecting someone though. I have been in therapy for about 2 months and have learned some things. My therapist does not believe I am a naracist as much as I tried to take ownership for actions and traits. She said the naracist is not capable of have “deeper layers” of remorse, guilt, empathy, self-awareness, compassion, etc. She even volunteered that my partner who REQUIRED me to come to avoid self blame is a strong naracistic trait.

    Like I said, I left that relationship and am much happier. I do feel drawn to her at times when she tries to reconnect, but I try to maintain discipline not to respond. My friends are very happy I left her and see a positive change in my life. I am in another new relationship with very good communication and support.

    Soooo, PLEASE help. Am I the naracist, is she, or both??? I put my “money where my mouth” was and said I would do ANYTHING to get better and support her. I will continue to see my therapist – just to be a better person in general. My therapist and friends have been trying to convince me that I was not the problem.

    I miss my old GF. She had the most charisma I have seen from anyone. I thought she was the one. I can only imagine that this is what addiction feels like and trying to stay away.

    Thanks for listening…

  • flyers.r.on.top@gmail.com'
    Dave
    May 16, 2013

    Addendum

    I was confused with her “multiple personality disorder” which I saw 4 clearly and her possible naracism. She was the most “addictive personality” I have ever met! Yet, other times, she reduced me literally to an emotional blob and coldly smiled at me – like I was pathetic. Who does that?? Mental abuse as well as kicking me out of her car with travel bags while on a road and driving away (never returning) – 3 separate times even. My friends were angry that I kept giving her chances. Just wanted to help her and stay engaged with the extremely charismatic side of her.

    Turns out – one of her exes claims the same abuse from her.. Problem is – while I was with her, she got me to believe he was abusing her.

    I thought she might be a pathological liar too, but it was difficult to catch her red handed. At the very end, I think I got the evidence I needed and left. OMG – Just trying to make sense of this!!!!! I wanted us to work out!!!!

    Is there no hope?

    • laface2010@yahoo.com'
      Luann
      May 16, 2013

      Hi David-
      I feel for you. I went into therapy believing I was the sole problem. My emotional stuff was what prevented us from having something healthy. (So I believed.)

      I went into therapy for myself in the end but there was definitely a hint of feeling like if I “get better” then we can be together in harmony.

      We broke up for a time but he came back (temporarily). When he came back he asked if I was still in therapy. Double checking to be sure I was doing my part to fix it all.

      I always got the feeling he blamed me for all dysfunctions, although he’d verbally deny this. I wasn’t more conscious of it because I wanted to believe I was the special one for him. I mean it was very apparent when he’d speak about the soon to be ex, (we overlapped and his next one overlapped with us) it was always all her fault.

      This didn’t feel right. But I ignored it at first. Then I’d try to talk to him, make him see that it’s never just one person to blame. I tried talking him into seeing his share of responsibility but he never really got it.

      At first though, I wanted to believe he was all good and got a crap deal. Hoo boy…in my middle age I am finally realizing myself that it really does take two. It was doomed from the beginning. It should’ve never happened…etc.

      Trying to make sense of YOUR OWN behavior is hard enough. Attempting to understand someone else’s will drive you insane.

      I was dx’d with PTSD myself after the break up but it stems from my the treatment of my caretakers as a child.

      I can tell you when I read some of this stuff I wonder if I am an N too. It can be confusing since so many symptoms overlap in each disorder.

      I have to ask: Do you think it’s fair to your current GF that you are maintaining a relationship with her while still pining for your ex? You are with one woman but still hoping to reconcile with another? Does your current gf know this?

      I’m not asking to get an answer from you, just saying maybe these are questions to ask yourself.

      • flyers.r.on.top@gmail.com'
        Dave
        May 16, 2013

        Thank you for your insight and support. I can identify with you very well.

        In hindsight, it was probably a selfish move to start dating to get over the immense hurt. With support of therapy and friends, I have been able to maintain no contact. I am not sure its pining. Could be, but it diminishes more and more everyday. I think of her much much less. Part of the dysfunction of this whole craziness is – since I cant change her, I was hoping it was my problem so I could get help and fix us. Messed up – huh?

        My current GF is wonderful and I have shared this with her. She is VERY supportive, even when I told her that I might have been the problem. She disagrees – which is a HUGE boost to my recovery. I think I will be fine. On occasion, I feel the “what could have been”. My therapist says its a natural grieving process and that I am doing ok.

    • veronica@gravityride.com'
      Veronica
      May 16, 2013

      Dave,
      A narcissist does not look deep at themselves and take responsibility. They deflect and project. It seems to me that you know who is who in your situation, and that you have the hindsight to see how we as codependents can adopt narc traits in order to survive. That does not make you a narc. Now what you need to look at is yourself and letting go of the fantasy. Mel’s NARP program is the best resource to do that. Good luck.

      • flyers.r.on.top@gmail.com'
        Dave
        May 16, 2013

        Thank you. I always heard that it takes 2 for a relationship. Most men and women say they want 50/50. It didn’t make sense when I never heard her say she was wrong – about ANYTHING. I know of only one person that could pull that off and he lived a long time ago and in the Bible. I kept saying it was my fault for so many things, hoping it would support her. It didn’t. I could go on and on and on. Fact is, I am finally finding clarity. Thanks!

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          May 16, 2013

          Hi Dave,

          my questions / dilemmas with this are:

          1) It is VERY unusual (if not unheard) for a narcissist to disclose private information about themselves in rships – (such as mental history)…narcs do not like to be seen as vulnerable or ‘imperfect’….they hid all of that under a mask

          2) What are you mentioning your friend’s opinions for…why do you need your statements backed up by ‘allies’..?

          3) Why are you in another relationship with a woman when you have not resolved or healed your feelings about this previous woman – and haven’t let go emotionally? Is that fair to this new woman?

          4) It is highly unusual for people who have been narc abused – to be able to just move on into new relationships immediately…UNLESS they have the ability to do a lot of deep healing work on themself

          5) If you have compassion and empathy for people – and not being sure whether or not you are ‘messed up’ why would you consider having a rship with a new person who could be affected? Why NEED to?

          Mel xo

          • laface2010@yahoo.com'
            Luann
            May 16, 2013

            Thanks for these points in response to Dave. I have been having a vulnerable night and this response has just really helped me.

            Thank you.

          • flyers.r.on.top@gmail.com'
            Dave
            May 20, 2013

            1) I have believed that true intimacy comes from deep levels of communication. Of course, its not easy sharing your skeletons, but it is also brings you closer to your partner. Oncee your imperfections are brought to the surface, you can work on them with your supporting partner.

            2) I have been lost in this whole ordeal. First, I thought it was her that was causing the majority of problems. Then she began to convince me that it was me. At first, I rejected it, but eventually looked into it. I saw that I had traits of N, so I became confused as to who I was. I looked for help – in counselors AND friends. After counseling, friend’s advice, new GF, and your articles – I realize it was me.

            I am confused about one thing though. You see the N as 100% flawed. Isn’t it more like a continuem? Can they never be helped? You have the experience – IDK, just always had difficulty seeing things in black and white – with no gray.

            3) In part because I went with the selfish path – “the best way to get over your partner is to get another”. In my defense though – looking at these posts, when do you get over it emotionally? There are people that haven’t healed for years. I never wanted to be unfair or hurtful in anyway to anyone, including my new GF. I have shared this part of my life with her – giving her the opportunity to walk away if she wants. She has been amazing and I am very very lucky to have her. Her belief in me has been incredibly healing in itself.

            4) I wasn’t immediately seeking a relationship. I don’t know what my level of healing is. With my former GF “the N”, it was on again and off again so many times that there was a little dating for both mixed in. When I met my new GF, there were sooo many good qualites. We are a very close match – so I wanted to purssue it and see where it goes. It will be 6 weeks together tomorrow. We are very strong. I was wanting to see how our first “disagreement” went becasue I didn’t want to see myself going down the same path. We did a great job at resolving it. The former GF could never do that.

            5) I had to think about this question for awhile. I guess I always thought I was good. My freinds said I was not the problem. Her friends said she was not the problem. Your article mentioned – only the few at the very intimate level would see the true N. Well, that left the two of us. A “he said, she said.” A year and half of her saying I was bad, a report (from former friends in a heated custody eval) saying I had N traits and some calling me one, an intense desire to save our relationship – I began to accept I could be the problem. I sought therapy to take responsibilty and fix my N. I laid it all on the line with the therapist. I told her I would work hard and do what it took to get better. I didn’t pull any punches about my faults and imperfections. I told her I felt shame for some things I did in life. After several sessions, she firmly does not think I am N. She won’t offer opinion on my ex GF cause she has not treated her, but did say her REQUIRMENT for me to get help so she is not seen as the problem is N.

            I believe you should always critically self evaluate. Therefore, I had to consider I was N. Isn’t it like being an alcholic? If you say you aren’t one, then you are and in denial. Its such a disorienting thought. Am I one? Is my reality off so I don’t know the difference? Of course I got “messed up”. It was your article that led me to feel as the N abused vs the true N and professional help that has given me clarity. Still, I surround myself wiht good friends, family, and professionals to be my guide in life and open for positive change.

            So, I am open to a new healthy relationship. I am happy again. In hindsight, my ex GF was VERY different among all my relationships in life. I am more and more confident that I am ok.

            Can I ask one question? In your opinion, is there really ZERO hope for the N to become normal or better? Can they never see reality and make a dfferent choice?

            Dave

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            May 20, 2013

            Hi Dave,

            in relation to your reply…

            In regard to point 1) I was referring to your ex who had disclosed all of her issues to you – I find that very hard to believe that a NPD would be so open with you (initimacy and vulnerability at that level is NOT what they do) – I also find it very hard to believe that an NPD would have ever received such diagnoses re their mental health – because they would have projected and avoided that at all costs…

            It seems that you throwing back her mental disorders is not really supportive….So you accepted them and wanted to support – but now they are an issue…? Also I am very unclear re the comment – I saw at least four different personalities with no explanation of what that means….??? Everyone has different aspects of their personality Dave, for example angry, said, happy etc…so I find that comment incredibly ambiguous…

            Point 2…what are the N traits thst you have that have been ‘identified’? This I would be very interested to know….As far as I am concerned N traits (NPD) are pathological lying (regular to secure agendas)…maliscious acts of payback (tit for tat), stunted or non-existent conscience to fathom how behaviour affects others and taking umbtage on a hair line trigger at perceived critique…

            Sub categories involve the inability to be accountable – using allies (real or imagined) childish defences, projections, refusing to remain topical and dredging unrelated information from the past (the basics – there is more) to deflect AWAY from atrocious behaviour that erupts as a result of the first category.

            So here is the question (TOTALLY regardless) of what a psychiologist has said. Who is it in the relationship that is capable of and DOES act out the first category?…because that IS your person with NPD…

            Now re any psychologist saying ‘because a person admits they do stuff they are not NPD’ – I ADAMANTLY disagree.

            Reason being there are many NPDs who with ‘anyone’ will say I DID that…(sometimes or eventually, or to get sympathy, recognition,’help’ (narc supply)), and also so that they AVOID being classified as an NPD and rather appear as someone who is ‘genuine’ and ‘takes responsibility’….In fact many NPDS will grandstand in therapy that they are the ONES taking ALL the responsibility!!!

            BUT the real truth in all of this (which psychologists SADLY and REGULARY miss) IS – NO behaviour with ANYONE ever changes unless the REASON (the wounds) that are causing the behaviour are MET, worked on and healed…

            The first category I named here is pathological behaviour and it is incredibly immature to believe that ANY person changes or heals that level of behaviour SIMPLY by saying ‘ YES…I did that!

            So as far as I am concerned any NPD can say ‘I did that – I take responsibility’…(meaning it or not?) but UNLESS they actually faced the wounds that cause them to act out pathological lying, taking umbrage, reacting with maliscious acts, having zero empathy, capable of horrific smear campaigns, the destruction of love and trust as a result of being capable of betraying sexually with other people etc etc etc

            NONE of the destruction they cause is going to change….

            So to answer your question SHOW me a narcissist who DOES confront their wounds and deals with them directly, in order to ACTUALLY STOP the horrific behaviour, instead of self-avoiding through narcissitic supply and projection and I WILL believe they can heal. I am yet to meet one genuine case…or hear of one genuine case.

            Point 3) I have no compassion or empathy for anyone who believes they could have NPD behaviour choosing another person in their life KNOWING (or at the very least) being confused about ‘Am I NPD or not?’…Yes I know co-dependents get into relationships prematurely too (which is not healthy for anyone and is a very poor choice)…but they are NOT by nature capable of malisciousness….people with NPD are…So sorry Dave I really have no respect for people with suspect narc traits doing relationships until they work themself out ..and of course if they don’t work themselves out they will continue to have rships and hurt people because thats what narcs do…

            4) It is obvious you are not healed enough for a relationship if you are still pining and obsessing about an ex…Of course you worked through your disagreement with your new partner – that would be normal – everyone is on their best behaviour early in a rship and still in the ‘idealised’ stage…I am POSITIVE your last relationship was the same…otherwise why did you stay in it after the initial period of ‘getting to know her’?…So this is NO comparison…and I’m going to be honest with you – I find that ‘comparison’ quite narc like…You are also making many idealising comments about this new relationship that quite frankly sound like they are ‘all about you’.

            Point 5 – correct friends have no ability to see what goes on behind closed walls. And whoever the narc is is very capable of creating all sorts of lies, exaggerations, focusing on certain information, and dismissing other parts of it to present the best case that it is the OTHER person at fault…so none of the ‘friends'(or other allies including psychologists / family) thing means anything…

            It is a narc trait to mention ‘other’ people in your argument…and it is also narc like to go to her exes (who you used to support her with) and now state that she was the abusive one all along…

            Again I find it very hard to believe that a narc would get diagnosed for help due to being abused (narcs are the abusers) and then share that with a new partner…I feel more she has a history of being abused..

            I also find that when you described her behaviour that there was no mention of the maliscious payback acts and pathological lying and outrageous mind-bending deeds that narcs are famous for….Ok she is never ‘wrong’ – about what? Or is that she doesn’t agree with your versions when she believes you are not taking responsibility? She kicked you out of the car with your luggage…did you mention WHY she did that??? What led up to that happening?

            Dave you can see I am not convinced she is the narc….so lets go back to the original question – because that is the ONLY answer you need to look at…WHO does the narc behaviours – AGAIN – pathological lying, taking umbrage at slights, maliscious reactionary behaviour to original events that in NO way matched the payback dished out, inability to have remorse or take responsibility for WHY that behaviour gets acted out…etc etc…

            That is IT that is the ONLY question. If neither of you have the capacity to act like that – (and non-narcs don’t) then you simply had an enmeshed, messed up co-dependent relationship…and a lot more work NEEDS to be done on self.

            If you are the narc then you are facing much more serious challenges and if you would like to be the first to ACTUALLY face the inner wounds and do the work properly that would be wonderful for humanity.

            Mel xo

  • galeetallen@gmail.com'
    GA
    May 16, 2013

    Hi Melanie,

    Interesting article this week.

    I personally believe the narcissist does not believe he/she is doing anything wrong. I think he/she has convinced his/her false self that he/she is a 100% percent right all the time (which is why they are never accountable and why it is difficult for them to feel sorry). When you are that certain that you are always right, how can you believe you do anything wrong? I think they truly believe they are good people (they convince themselves of that), they just operate differently from ‘normal’ people so they see their actions as the only way of doing things and ‘normal’ people know it’s not. Moreover, if they are told they are doing something wrong, they simply do not care because they have to make sure they protect their false self (as a defense mechanism as you wrote).

    I believe that’s why we get so hooked on narcissists. They truly believe they are good people and they convince us of that so when we know behavior is hurtful or wrong and try and argue with them about it, they just do not see it and try to convince us it’s not. It’s mentally and emotionally exhausting for those intimately involved with narcissists…you lose sight of what good behavior is after a while.

    From all the people I know that have come out of narcissistic relationships successfully(including me)report the same thing when they get into another relationship with a ‘normal’ person, “it’s so nice to be treated this way, I forgot this is what it’s like to be treated” because I truly believe we forget when we are involved with narcs because they are so good at convincing us their behavior is good. I think that is the greatest hook the narcissists have, which is why they are so dangerous…you forget how to be treated well so you settle for narc abuse.

    I completely agree with you that at the end of the day we shouldn’t care at all whether they know they do something wrong or not. They would love it if we were sitting at home analyzing their behavior while the continue on with their lives. Narcs need to become insignificant to us. We should just accept it’s not part of our reality and move on so we can be free and never be treated like that ever again. Imagine if no one ever gave narcs supply? They would cease to exist.

    Thanks again Melanie!

    xoxo G

    • laface2010@yahoo.com'
      Luann
      May 16, 2013

      Thanks GA for that contribution. I found it really helpful.

      You really seemed to nail it. One thing that caught me was the forgetting how to be treated part.

      I think that I never really knew about respectful treatment since my parents (father especially) was emotionally abusive, didn’t respect boundaries or privacy.

      So I didn’t and probably still don’t understand ‘bad’ treatment from others.

      I find that I’m now on hyper alert and watchful of how others behave. And I constantly question those behaviors.

      I’ve thought, until recently that it was enough to know (intellectually) that my father’s behavior wasn’t right, healthy, normal…whatever ya wanna call it.

      But that isn’t the case. I think my subconscious believes that sort of treatment to be “normal” or a better word would be familiar. And getting past that is difficult. Deciding to stay out of a romantic relationship for now has been my answer to this so I can figure out what MY boundaries are, not the ones someone else set for me.

      I do worry at times if a boundary will be too rigid (as in over-correcting now, since they’ve been too loose all this time)simply because of hyper-sensitivity. I also have figured out that my loose boundaries have been about approval from others, keeping them ‘liking’ me. Others thinking that I’m “nice” has been much more important than my self respect let alone their respect for me.

    • juliesewelltranslator@gmail.com'
      Julie
      May 16, 2013

      “I believe that’s why we get so hooked on narcissists. They truly believe they are good people and they convince us of that so when we know behavior is hurtful or wrong and try and argue with them about it, they just do not see it and try to convince us it’s not. It’s mentally and emotionally exhausting for those intimately involved with narcissists…you lose sight of what good behavior is after a while. ”

      Insightful, yes, we lose sight of what a healthy relationship looks like and because we had poor boundaries to start with, which is what stops us from leaving, we start questioning ourselves instead of taking the rotten behaviour for what it is, just that, and leaving..

  • laface2010@yahoo.com'
    Luann
    May 16, 2013

    Wow! Lots of comments in the last 12 hours.

    This was a good comforting article for the mind.

    Yesterday I had an interesting aha moment while rehashing some things from the entanglement. It’s something I hadn’t done in a while. But I’ve been thinking about him again a lot lately and I was doing that mind thing of trying to make sense of stuff.

    I finally realized that I was trying to peg the WHOLE thing on him. And I was not only trying to make a neat file in my head that explained it all as him being the whole problem, but I was also DENYING to myself that I was doing that at the same time resisting my own responsibility in it all.

    In my rumination yesterday, I mentally showed myself where I am flawed…not in a mean way. But in a matter of fact sort of way. I showed myself specific details of things I went through during the relationship, of which I won’t go into detail here.

    Bottom line: If I was healthy, I would not have been attracted to him. So how CAN it be all him? Yeah, it’s not. It wasn’t.

    I basically figured out what the ruminating was all about…and I’m not saying it will stop. I don’t know. This just happened yesterday. But realizing what I was actually denying was huge for me.

    • sarina0106@yahoo.com'
      sarina
      May 16, 2013

      Hello,
      I have all sorts of thoughts on the “if I were healthy I wouldn’t have attracted him” situation. I know that I am not the healthiest person in the world, but I had done a lot of work. Mine was a bully, and I was in class with him, so. I got kinda stuck. Bit I do think that in order to get truly out of the relationship, I had to realize that I was seeking love in a place where there simply is none. I had become delusional form the relationship itself! I was being targeted. So, I had to realize that that was what that was, not make anything more of it, and let him slither on his merry way. I had a really hard time letting go of the fact that he will have future victims, which is in a sense somewhat like wanting to fix him, but more like wanting to stop him. It has been a process to let go, and I am coming through it, with the help of the communities, and the modules. I am glad to see you are as well!

  • ron@reliancenetworking.com'
    Abused Male NDP survivor
    May 16, 2013

    Melanie,
    Thank you so much for such a well articulated explanation of things that are so difficult to explain. After a year of study I personally knew a lot of this, but in trying to explain it, well it’s tough isn’t it? So I am so thankful that I can refer people to this article as an easy to grasp resource.

    I’m one year into my recovery and still go to counseling every week. I do believe that no contact is the only viable solution in the long run. However, I have a dilemma that I’d like your feedback on.

    As with most NPD splits there is a real material cost to me. I have not been granted any access to any of my possessions owned prior to our marriage since leaving her. I know I’m entitled to them legally, but don’t wish to involve the courts or police. So I am trying to “make nice” in order to regain my property in a civil manner. The downside is that I am at risk of being sucked back into her bottomless black hole of demands and endless attacks on my value and self-worth. My eyes are wide open and I am well versed in NPD behavior. So my question is,,, Is it worth it or should I just let it all go and try to start over from scratch? Not an easy thought for me as I am older and may never recover.

    Thanks again for your great article.

    • sarina0106@yahoo.com'
      sarina
      May 16, 2013

      Hello, I know you asked for Melanie’s opinion, and I am sure she will comment as well, but I thought I might chime in 🙂 I think you have a right to your possessions. I think that we need to pull our power back and away form the narcissist and do what we need to do for ourselves!
      You pointed out that making nice with the narcissist is a very tight situation with lots of risks. I understand your not wanting to involve police, however, it IS the safest way. Direct contact, especially “making nice” opens us up for further abuse, and you deserve MORE. I don’t know if you use the tapes, but they really helped me a lot. I wish you well whatever you decide to do!

    • swingdancer2004@yahoo.com'
      Esther
      May 17, 2013

      I am in the same situation. It would be easier for me to walk away and let him have everything which is his intentions, but now in my later years I know that I cannot recover financially, so although painful, I am staying the fight. I tried to make nice and suggest a 50/50 division of our 20 year martial assets, and it didn’t work he says it is all his. The Court is the only answer, and even then my N disagrees with the judge and refuses to sign the order. How arrogant is that. I just know that if I walk away, that when I do heal and get stronger I will be kicking my own butt while I am struggling and he is living high on the hog with everything we built together. Only you know what you can or cannot mentally handle. For some people, the fight is not worth their peace of mind. God Bless You in your decision.

  • parkavenew@sbcglobal.net'
    Lenore Rayborn
    May 16, 2013

    Hi Melanie and Everyone Else. We can all relate to this article. Melanie, I cannot thank you enough for your insight and guidance. It’s as if you’ve been with me looking thru the window at experiences over the years. The clarity and proof is beyond measure of the twists. I am healing slowly, as I’ve felt the need to be sympathetic. I’m learning more about putting my best interest first. I honestly feel We/I need to do a self-assessment/awareness of how we as victims have been enablers of this type of behavior. No Contact is important, as it keeps us from being vulnerable in our decision making. I cannot put a barometer on the value of the information provided thru Melanie and Others on this blog. Thanks again Everybody.

    • sarina0106@yahoo.com'
      sarina
      May 16, 2013

      Isn’t it wonderful we have found others? I cannot imagine going through this alone. I am in a few support groups, and I think I would have been so lost without them, and vulnerable to being dragged back in to that relationship that was slowly sucking my soul away. Instead, I am on here, connecting with other empathic souls. The kind of people I actually ENJOY being around 🙂

  • sophiekelly.kelly2@gmail.com'
    Sophie
    May 16, 2013

    Thank you for another insightful blog. It’s about 4-5 months now since i ended a 15 year relationship with N. I tried to leave 5 or 6 times down the years but didn’t have the strength to go through with and kept going back to him. I didn’t realise until this Christmas that he actually was a narcissist when i came across your blogs. What i am wondering about is this, so many well-meaning friends/family say to me that it is such a pity that i stayed so long and that a big part of my life has been wasted. Whilst I sometimes think that too, i don’t want to dwell too much on that as i don’t think it’s helpful. Also, perhaps that was how it was meant to be, part of God’s Plan or something. Maybe i needed to see how deranged he actually is and if i’d left earlier i would not have seen that and could have gone on to have more narcissistic relationships which may have damaged me a lot more. Does that make sense? Already I am so much more peaceful and content and have absolutely no desire to go back down that road again. There are still legal issues to be settled as we have a joint home but the most important thing is that he doesn’t live in my heart anymore. No contact has been vital also. I am using this time now to become stronger and learn to love and respect myself. It shocks me to the core now to realise how little of that love I showed myself down the years. 🙂

    • sarina0106@yahoo.com'
      sarina
      May 16, 2013

      I was thinking the same thing about myself, how I am a little annoyed to have time out of my life, completely stolen. It was a short period, but I suffered many consequences. I feel that it was part of “the plan” and that I am going to make use of the life lessons I have learned (something I am grateful for after seeing there are so many who are unable to do this). This experience brought me back to my spirituality again, and I am grateful for that.

  • chevycharisewillis@yahoo.com'
    Denise
    May 16, 2013

    I’m currently in a relationship with a narcissist and I love him with all my heart..It is hard to let go when the connection we have or I think we have seems to be soo good. This is someone I want to marry and would like to spend the rest of my life with. I just want to know if it will all be worth it or should I just walk away while I am able to? So torn right now and madly in love with him.

    • cmerzeder@me.com'
      Christine
      May 16, 2013

      Walk away, Denise, it is not love, it is an addiction and life with him will never be real, all false! Run girl, before your life is at stake.

      • tifferr1220@yahoo.com'
        Tiffany
        May 16, 2013

        Denise, I felt EXACTLY this way in my relationship. Once I married him, EVERYTHING changed. And that shift happened on the day we got married. The game was over and the fun was gone. I was completely discarded and in less than two years of marriage he was already looking for his next challenge. He will not commit to you the way you hope and deserve. PLEASE think long and hard before you do this. It’s so devastating to go from being the center of their world to nothing. For no reason. Sending you strength, courage, and wisdom.

    • bmwstbill@yahoo.com'
      Bill Shockley
      May 16, 2013

      Can a narcissist love?

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOAdY3mqNJ0

      Would you want to marry a 5 year old?

      Eight months narc free thanks to Melanie and Sam. And myself.
      bill

    • sarina0106@yahoo.com'
      sarina
      May 16, 2013

      If he is truly a narcissist, I think everyone here would agree to get OUT while you still can, and focus on healing yourself. Staying in these relationships can utterly destroy a person, mind body and soul. I think you have the answer in your heart, as I believe you answered your own question. The modules are so helpful! Let us know how you are 🙂

      • swingdancer2004@yahoo.com'
        Esther
        May 17, 2013

        I thought I was strong enough “to take it”, brush it off, pretend it didn’t hurt, look the other way, but it destroyed me slowly piece by piece by piece. I don’t know if I will ever get all of those pieces back. No one can take it, it will destroy you eventually.

  • suki.bri-ana@live.com'
    SB
    May 16, 2013

    Hi everyone, wow so many posts today lol!
    I usually read through the posts but just too many today & so much pain coming through alot of them understandably. I have been through alot of pain especially in the last 2 years, I won’t go into any details but Melanie already knows abit about me. I started NARP about 5 weeks ago & try to do it everyday. It works everyone!!! it really helps me to take my focus off the narc & start healing myself. It’s amazing, feels like a miracle..I used to think there’s nothing thats going to take this horrible excruitating pain away, well it does. Last week I missed 3 days & I noticed My energy levels dropping & feeling depressed & focusing more on the narc, as soon as I did a module with NARP I instantly felt lighter & stronger & back to focusing on myself. To those of you who are not
    doing NARP (by the sounds of it alot of you) try out the trail period, see & feel the difference. I don’t know if I would of found another way to heal myself, melanie came into life to help me heal myself as with all of us. It’s your choice now whether you want to do the work or stay stuck. It’s great once the pain starts dissolving, I’ve still got more to work on but as I start to feel better & see results & feel more empowered I look forward to doing them. I don’t mind when the pain comes up now because I know NARP takes it away for good..layer by layer. I feel joy more often now, I’ve noticed my appetite coming back & enjoying food again which had been so hard 4/5 weeks ago. Good luck everyone of you on your path to healing.

    • sarina0106@yahoo.com'
      sarina
      May 16, 2013

      Thanks for sharing your positive success! I still feel some pain, and I do the modules everyday to relieve it. I swear it is the only thing that lifts the pain! While I don’t consider myself totally out of it, I am SO SO SO much better. I am losing the weight I gaines, going out and enjoying my life! What a weird trip that was, and I am so glad I found the road back.Thanks again for the encouraging words.

  • Loadr27@aol.com'
    Roger
    May 16, 2013

    Thanks Melanie for another excellent timely article. You have helped me so much-I still have a ways to go but I have made a lot of progress. No one can understand the horrible narc/codependent dance unless they have been there. Thanks again.
    Roger

  • victoriaarmstrong70@googlemail.com'
    Victoria
    May 16, 2013

    Hi mel
    Brilliant article, explained so well! I totally agree and it all makes sense! Something quite light hearted to share but quite profound really!
    My pet name for him was ‘giant boy’ which was created through his behaviour…( a funny event) at the time, . It started as a joke but by the time I got out and stayed away I could see that’s all he was, all be it a deranged one! I’m not sure where his npd comes from and now I don’t care, I’m done with analysing him!! All I know is it must be excruciating and exhausting inside to exist like that !! Strangely I feel a bit of empathy there but no emotional connection now…. Wow true freedom begins once you take your focus off these people and giving the love to yourself is when you truly start to live… Amazing x

    • sarina0106@yahoo.com'
      sarina
      May 16, 2013

      Giant boy is so right on target. The childlike guise is a wonderful ruse for them. Next time I see that trait, I’m running!

  • karenlynellewilliams@gmail.com'
    Karen Williams
    May 16, 2013

    Particularly stimulating article and discussion. Loved the bit about whether the narcissist genuinely feels accountable or whether he is acting. He’s acting. The disparity between the false self and the real self is so great, you would all walk away now if you were able to see it then believe it. Yes he will morph from a gentle, handsome, polite, caring, thoughtful, generous, well regarded businessman who seems to have excellent rapport with his teenage daughters into a drug taking, thieving, lying, cheating, leave you body on the road to die if you are in a car accident creature at some stage. If you knew who he really was you WOULD walk away NOW. Think of those poor girls who were locked up in that house for 10 years with those horrible brothers. Your narcissist is NO different to them except HE has learned to hide it. Don’t believe it? It’s true. Once you have identified your partner as a narcissist, you MUST know you are dealing with the devil. Write down all the bad things he says and does…they are only glimpses of a much much worse human being lurking within. Run for your lives. Good luck to all x

    • sarina0106@yahoo.com'
      sarina
      May 16, 2013

      I agree with you wholeheartedly, Karen. They really do remind me of devils, and I always think- this is what I know about him – god only knows what else there is. Well, I didn’t stick around to find out, I’m sure I would have been driven mad. They are chilling people, when one sees inside them. The example of the men who held the grils is only one isolated incident. People will say things like “he seemed like a great guy” but I think it is because they are like we were in the beginning, they dismiss the strange little things they see. Tell themselves it’s nothing. Chilling that ther are so many. This means we must strengthen ourselves to live safely in this world.

  • tracymorry@gmail.com'
    Tracy
    May 16, 2013

    Thank you Melanie for all your support, I finally get it, I tried to fix the impossible

  • arnold_marguerite@hotmail.com'
    Evy
    May 16, 2013

    Hi Tracey…..the best part is that we can fix ourselves and this is not impossible at all…..smiles. NARP worked miracles in me for doing just that….I encourage you to give the program a go…take care.

  • spaladypisano@aol.com'
    Lisa
    May 16, 2013

    Stumbling upon this sight was definitely Divine Intervention. I’ve been NC for 3 months with my N after an on again off again relationship for over a year. I’ve learned so much (still learning) and have to laugh when I think back to the last conversations we had prior to my breaking it off with him after another cycle of lies and betraying my trust…I had been researching this subject prior our relationship so I had some insight into the personality and the character traits of an N after a previous encounter with one. Yes, I now know that I was a N magnet! At the end he actually admitted to being a Narcissist “I know, I’m a narcissist, I am, but I’m not” were his words…”I don’t know what to do about it”, “Something happened to me when I was young, I’ve never told anyone” It’s affected me ever since..” (abuse) “I feel like an empty shell, I wish someone could rip my soul out of my body” “I know that if I don’t change, I’ll never have anything real” …these were his words. The reason for our on again off again were the lies, the attention seeking from other women that I caught him doing over and over again. All the stereotypical traits. He was very charming, good looking and funny that’s what drew me in. He knew it and played it well. He would be telling me these things in conversation, all the while I knew he was pulling his games behind my back but he didn’t know I was on to him. He withheld intimacy, hated feeling vulnerable (actually told me that too), was emotionally unavailable. He did tell me he loved me but he knew he was “messed up”

    Being a compassionate person by nature, it was very hard for me to walk away and not try to “fix” him. In the end I told him I couldn’t. I sometimes feel like if I stayed maybe he would have opened up about his past and possibly things would have been different. But who’s to say and he needs to take care of that I’m not responsible for healing him only myself. There was no trust anymore. I drove myself crazy and I finally realized that I was more important. I haven’t heard from him since. This was a huge transition in my life…looking inward and not blaming. Focusing on myself, my wounds, my inner beliefs. I’ve been reading a lot about this subject and there needs to be more awareness. If I try to explain it to people who don’t understand that there are people out there like this I just get a look of awe..? We don’t see that in another person because it’s so out of the norm.

    Just bought Dr. Phil’s Life Code, he calls them “Baiters”. My teenage daughters will be reading this when I’m done! Melanie, I think you should be on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday! …really. Stay strong everyone, there’s no better feeling than having your dignity, boundaries and integrity intact. Most of all self love!

    • sarina0106@yahoo.com'
      sarina
      May 16, 2013

      Thanks for your post. I have tried myslef to explain narcissism, even to therapists, and some of them don’t get it! It’s a mazing that there are so many people in the world that don’t see these people. I think it is because our high society is full of them, and they put the masses to sleep. this allows the petty individuals to ride in the shadows. I have heard so many stories of women going to therapists that joined in with the narcissists to blame them. So insane. That’s why I feel I have a gift just to even be able to see them. But honestly, it’s sometimes like being able to see ghosts, a little unsettling.

  • mpj2929@gmail.com'
    Maria
    May 16, 2013

    Hi Melanie,

    Everything that you have written about is what I have experienced. It’s sad to say that it was my son who was the narcissist that has abused me. I feel sorry for him actually but I’m also afraid for him as you can imagine being his mother. I hope he gets the help that he needs because he won’t listen to me because he of course being the narcissist is not going to admit that he does anything wrong. Thank God that my youngest son is nothing like his brother that’s all I can say. I believe that there’s always one in every family that is going to be difficult in one way or another.
    Thank You for putting out all the information
    because it will definitely help a lot of people.

    • sarina0106@yahoo.com'
      sarina
      May 16, 2013

      Oh boy, so true. If it’s not someone who is mentally ill, it’s someone with an addiction (which is alos technically a mental illness as well). It’s also a society illness, in my opinion. Our society in America is especially narcissistic, and I for one am really tired of it. All it does is fan the flames of the narcissists of the world! I am so sorry you have a child with the disorder, as it is much more difficult to distance yourself. I hope you are learning ways, and I wish you the best!

  • Jawh@comcast.net'
    Julie
    May 16, 2013

    Thank you, Melanie, for your particularly helpful blog post and your brilliant work on narcissistic abuse. I don’t know what my life would be like if I had not found your website 6 months ago when the divorce from my husband of 27 years was final. I had not even imagined that no contact was possible at that point. Like some of the other posters, I have experienced many of your blog posts as synchronistic with my life and healing process as it unfolds. I am not yet as healed as I want to be, but do have hope and light in my heart now. I read a humorous quote today on the same topic as your post which I want to share with you all. It hit home with me, gave me a mental picture of what I had been trying to do, erroneously, with my narcissistic husband for 27 years!!

    “Don’t try to win over the haters; you are not the jackass whisperer.” -Scott Stratten. ( lol, may be a new nickname for codependent..)

    Thank you, Melanie! My heart can better see the light because of your work.
    Julie

    • sarina0106@yahoo.com'
      sarina
      May 16, 2013

      Hahahah, jackass whisperer. Oh boy! There’s one for the record. I will remind myself of that when I go back into thinking about how to “save” the narcissist. Though I truly don’t think this anymore, but if I do- this is what I will say to myself!

  • mijnboeken@hotmail.nl'
    Carmen
    May 16, 2013

    Hi Melanie,

    You’ve nailed it once again. Thanks!

  • janeteirwen59@gmail.com'
    Janet Eirwen
    May 16, 2013

    Hi Mel,

    Thanks for such a great article. All so familiar – had it with my ex and now going through it with my mother.

    You’ve made my life so much easier as I can see the behaviour for what it is and no longer exhaust and torture myself trying to understand and make sense of it. Knowledge definitely leads to empowerment.

    SO so glad that I found your site. Thank you

  • jkmath914@gmail.com'
    Julia
    May 17, 2013

    Hi Mel,
    Your teachings continue to educate me. You have answered with clarity, many questions I have had. Yes many times I felt like I was beating my head against a wall and I couldn’t understand why HE just didn’t get it. I knew he didn’t feel good about himself and was traumatized as a youngster and created his “false self”. I thought it was just for others, not for me too. Then the ‘Bizarre Twists & Turns”, OMG! It’s amazing how you just must have lived in my home with us to know all of this. I left 5 months ago after 36 years, with no plans of returning to him and when the empathy creeps in (and it does) this article will help me to remember that he cannot change and it’s now my turn to be in peace, whole and to receive all of the goodness my universe has to give me. It’s my time to focus in on my healing and as you say, “create my own incredible life”. I am doing just that. Please keep these “wonderful messages from light” coming to us. Sending peace & Love

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 17, 2013

      Hi Julia,

      I am so glad the articles have helped, and please know you are worth your own healing attention!

      Yes they ALL act the same way….truly 🙂

      Mel xo

  • giliankaynicol@gmail.com'
    Gillian
    May 17, 2013

    Just in the nick of time, Melanie!! I was sitting drafting a note to my e-boyfriend narc. I was telling him that he is not the person I thought he was and why can’t he do the right thing when it comes to his 8 year old daughter. What a waste of time!! I’ll just be offering narcissistic supply – thank you for that! I think the hardest thing is trult getting that they do not think like we do, and letting go. You had mentioned in one of your earlier blogs, “Letting Go of Leting Go” and perhaps that is where I am at with our help! I feel so exhausted, it has been 4 months of nearly no contact. What I realised this morning is that what I have to let go of is thinking he thinks like me and that I can be his “teacher” and somehow open is eyes. That’s what go me into this mess int he first place!! Every day, I ask God to guide me and He guided me to read your blog today!

    BTW, I truly get what you say about getting out of our stories. Carolyn Myss who is a meidical intuitive refers to this as “WOUNDOLOGY” and as much as we want to keep going back to what happened and the wrongs that were done, it does not move us forward. THANK YOU, so much

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 17, 2013

      Hi Gillian,

      I am so glad you did not do that – for you!

      Yes, the focus is not about ‘their’ wounds – it is our own…and when we stop trying to ‘fix’ them and start healing ourself that real life begins…

      Mel xo

  • lpro65@yahoo.com'
    Lisa
    May 17, 2013

    Melanie,

    Wow each article you write is a gem. I have a question for you…your article, in my summation at any rate ;>, is that narcs will do anything to avoid admitting that they are wrong. I have read elsewhere that narcs are afraid they are going to be abandoned and that is their greatest fear. I have a situation where the “said narcs” are doing everything possible to avoid admitting any wrong doing on their part and they aren’t caving even through DH and I have gone almost no contact. So it would seem that admitting any wrong doing trumps even being left alone.

    I’ve seen a lot of dysfunctional situations but I have to admit BPD/N is mind boggling. I start to get a headache even trying to think like an N.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 17, 2013

      Hi Lisa,

      in answer to your question – ABSOLUTELY narcissists are terrified of rejection and abandonment – that is their deepest core wounds..

      This is why they ‘get in first’and sabotage and need to keep ‘the upper hand’…It is also why IF abandoned turn it all around as ‘they’ broke off the relationship – and THEN seek other supply immediately.

      All of these tactics are the ways the False Self pathologically avoids ‘rejection’ and ‘abandonment’.

      The reason why the narc is NEVER wrong is because they believe any questioning, critique or ‘flaw’ means they WOULD be rejected or abandoned! The crazy thing is – the repulsion (and inability to have any sort of relationship with them) that it creates for everyone intimately connected BECAUSE of the ridiculous childish, abusive and TOTALLY unliveable defence mecahnsims that make them SO flawed!

      It’s absolutely NO coincidence that the co-dependents core fears and wounds are also ‘rejection’ and ‘abandonment’…it is just that the co-dependent’s allegiance and avoidance of this wound was to ‘the glorifying of the abusive relationship’ and ‘the narcissist’…

      The narcissist was always firmly committed first and foremost to the False Self and its associated defence mechanisms.

      The narcissist never attends to the core wound – but the co-depndent can (to stop the painful relationship cycles) and this is what the necessary deep inner healing is all about..

      It’s about SO MUCH more than simply leaving a narcissist…

      Mel xo

  • kidsblossom@aol.com'
    Teri
    May 17, 2013

    Melanie……..thankyou! I have shifted and learned so much from your work! I married my narc 27 years ago as a young widow with a 9 year old son. To complicate things I was also pregnant with my narcs child. I married him 2 years after my husbands death who I now know was a narc. I thought my narc married me for love. The abuse my son and I endured was to manipulate me for my trust money. I started learning about the narc behavior a couple years ago from Melanies site. The wisfom and knowledge I have aquired has saved my life. I am healing each day and was able to buy a home to work in as a preschool while I continue to heal and a place to get away before her almost beat me down financially to take the entire trust through threats and abandonment. My narc recently lost a very high paying job and is spending down our IRA to try and open his own business. I am not able to leave as I am still healing. My 5th year old

  • janet_kansas@yahoo.com'
    Janet
    May 17, 2013

    Melanie I would like to thank you for the newsletters and your support, I can honestly and proudly say that the narc is out of my life for good, it has been 3 months now and I never knew such peace. the narc has tried several times to get me back, but I stood my ground. he is so angry at me, not that I care because I think it’s funny. It’s just that I never imagine that a person could say such terrible things. He is truly angry because I won’t take him back, I told him I didn’t want him and there is no place for him in my future. I have changed my number, cut off all contact and will be moving soon to complete my new life. thank you Melanie.

  • toverduin@bigpond.com'
    Tatiana
    May 17, 2013

    Hi Mel,
    This article is totally amazing. Once again, I received from it exactly what I needed. I read it this morning and it was just the issue I was struggling with my narc husband gone now over three months with no contact. The same question was going round in my head, so Thankyou again for your empowering words x my healing journey continues x

  • jkmath914@gmail.com'
    Julia
    May 17, 2013

    Wow Melanie, you are right on target for me. On May 5th I received your newsletter about welcoming us to Step 8 ‘Release and Heal the Fear of the Narcissist and What He or She May Do Next’. You wrote about throwing a curve ball and life testing us. Well it just now happened to me. For your information, I did email & text only contact when I left in December & then since February I’ve done NO CONTACT. Today I received an email from my sister letting me know that my husband contacted the area police (which he had previously threatened to do in December, but didn’t) to list me as missing since December. He then had his oldest daughter from a previous marriage fb me to tell me her dad said I have 1 week to contact my girlfriend to let her know if I want any of my stuff from our apartment we lived in for 17 years. Thanks to your newsletters and NARP, I’m as cool as a cucumber (which I wasn’t the first time he threatened to contact the police). I just don’t care anymore about those hooks he throws at me. I am free from my own fear. I feel honored that I am going to a higher vibration. I know I will be restored with much more than I will ever lose. I just can’t thank you enough for sharing your gifts with me. Much Peace & Love

  • gclif@hotmail.com'
    Clif Sullivan
    May 17, 2013

    After reading your blog and seeing all the people who have been abused by an npd nut I feel good that I never really got involved with that nut. The thought had crossed my mind but I realized what it would have cost me emotionally etc. Its funny how you always think of how you could straighten the npd nut out but like you say it is impossible. They are basically damaged goods and aren’t worth dealing with, yet there is the temptation. I just can’t imagine how they got to that point and I thank God it’s not me with npd. What a pathetic and sad situation for them, and you feel like you want to help them but know how impossible it would be. Like you say it’s better to just stay away, because no one is worth all the emotional drama and heart ache it would cost. Thank you for your insight and help.

  • denisefitzgerald61@hotmail.com'
    Denise
    May 17, 2013

    Mel:
    Thanks for all of the valuable information to help those of us that are in various stages of healing. Knowing that you have truly cared for a narcissist is difficult. Needing to erase them from your life is not easy. I would like to believe he cared on some level. Is that possible; are they able to care for another person on any level?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 17, 2013

      Hi Denise,

      The answer to that question – sadly is ‘no’…the narcissit’s world is the False Self and everything and everyone revolves around that.

      Know this….The narcissist does NOT care for or love his or her True Self (there is no True Self there) and therefore has no ability to care about of love others…

      All ‘love’ and ‘care’ is a pathological construction from the False Self to get narcissistic supply – pure and simple…

      Now – our part in this….

      We did not have our own levels of self-love, self-worth and self-care and therefore drew in a False attachment to the care and love for ourself through someone false…

      The remedy when still attached to ‘needing’ the narcissist to care and love?

      HEAL ourself from the inside out – and the deficient relationship with ourself that led us into a narcissistic relationship.

      That is what NARP is all about – that healing system and pathway – and then when we accomplish that we see it all very clearly and come home to the true relationship we have always needed and wanted – True Love with ourself.

      THEN we will create ‘outside’ genuine love relationships.

      Mel xo

  • alsabryant@optusnet.com.au'
    Sherrie
    May 17, 2013

    Hi Melanie, thank you so much for these regular blogs. Since reading your initial website and the readings thereafter it has really helped me to gain insight into the narcissist and to attain a better understanding of myself in my healing process. Having to coparent with my narcissist is like pulling nails sometimes. It is exhausting and the focus is always on him, never the children. I don’t know how many time I have sat there and thought what is wrong with him does he know what he is doing? The sad and painful reality is that most probably no and with that reality I can move on objectively in my life with the children. A life without confusion, doubt and abuse. A life that is full of love, peace and joy.
    Much love,
    Sherrie

  • Lisaacoff1@gmail.com'
    Lisa
    May 18, 2013

    Thank you Melanie! I love reading your emails! They always help me to gain insightful information to further my healing. Your writings have helped me to commit to healing myself once and for all! Much love to you for everything!

  • empiress@yahoo.com'
    eva
    May 18, 2013

    Hi Melanie,I’m writing from Ghana.Do you know that Sam Vaknin himself is a narc too? I think that was why he was so able to explain what goes on in a narcs head.Anyways,I’ve also had an experience with a narc and it’s been about a year and five months now since i broke off all contacts.It was terrible and pure insanity!I use to wonder why but thank God I discovered your site and I’m out of it and healing so fast!the knowledge that there’s a name to these evil kind people is very refreshing and eye-opening. I can’t thank you enough.God bless you for all those insightful info.thanks very much

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 20, 2013

      Hi Eva,

      absolutely i know Sam is a narc…and regardless of that (I don’t work with him!) I have found aspects of his insights to be 100% spot on and they ‘check out’ incredibly accurately..they are ‘straight from the horse’s mouth’….my connection to Sam’s work is for information only.

      You are very welcome, and I am so pleased my work has been helping you.

      Mel xo

  • cindy.viol@yahoo.com'
    Cindy
    May 18, 2013

    Very helpful to me. My exN left me 3 days after I buried my eldest son’s ashes. He had committed suicide. I was relieved my husband left. But I had to close out the business he abandoned and which I had supported financially. Lots of hard work. Never missed or cried for the N husband. He became cooperative on the divorce after he found new Supply, I believe, he wants to marry soon! So after the divorce, I am dealing with this depression. Not missing him. I quit loving him the year before he left when I had proof of an affair. It was only a 3 year marriage. I don’t understand why the depression. I know I need to do the work on me. And I am glad I found your blog. Thank you,

  • Debb006@yahoo.com'
    D
    May 18, 2013

    I am having another “break” with my partner of 2 years and last night I met my friend for dinner. She said “he sounds like he’s displaying narcissistic qualities”. I wasn’t 100% sure what exactly that meant- 3 hours ago I googled it and found Melanie’s site. Oh my god, I haven’t stopped reading. It feels like you are all writing about my partner and the penny has dropped. I know I am due for a long journey but now I know where I can find the support for a situation I had no idea I was until today. Thank you for sharing – I admire you all

  • sjblaughs@aol.com'
    Sara
    May 19, 2013

    Melanie, thank you for saving my life! It has been six months since my N husband left, and I continue to heal. Whenever I feel a hint of missing him, I go to my mental file cabinet and access the file of painful memories. After one or two of those, I re-center, and realize that there is nothing to miss.

    To all of those who are healing: I picture every single one of us standing in a huge circle, holding hands, smiling, lifting our amazing positive energy skyward, sending love to one another, as well as to all who are in need of healing.

    There is Life and Joy after relationship with a narcissist. There is wholeness and wellness. There is Light.

    Namaste to all!

  • Sina7862@hotmail.com'
    Sina7862
    May 20, 2013

    Melanie you are truly an inspiration and you have come into my life a few years after my initial wounds from my first relationship ever.

    After about two years and a somewhat guarded relationship with someone else I still thinks about and dream of my narcissist ! It’s not feelings of love or desire to be together…but more of a desire for closure and also guilt on my part for both of us bringing out the worst in each other.

    How enraging right? When I felt like I was finally free of the grips I continually out of no where would have these “hauntings” as I liked to call them.

    I initially thought my narcissist was a sociopath and that helped a lot to clear up some of my pain and post relationship pain. However it didn’t really click bc he didnt have all the makings of a sociopath until I came upon your site and articles this last week.

    Ironically the following day…i was still thinking about your amazing empoweing words while going about my day! I went to a store and out of the 3 clerks at the store I walked up to a clerk who had the exact same name as my ex…it’s not a common name at all unless you happen to be old school Italian in NE…which is not a lot ever.

    My literal reaction was what the hell…it could be akin to being played a practical joke on by the universe. You can imagine my confusion and just literal wtf at the incident but unlike before I didn’t consider it a sign to be with him of course…I instead felt the haunting feelings and overwhelming guilt I have on my part regarding our relationship.

    I become so angry at myself and after having forgiven myself for enduring the abuse for 2-3 years and it being my first kiss/first everything at age 20 it just didnt make any sense.

    So in closing I just wish I didn’t have any guilt bc the actions and words I spoke we’re provoked reactions and never did quite anything horrendous…besides hurtful words and stupidly telling a few choice friends about his worst actions which then spread and he heard back about it.

    My question is also did I hurt him pretty deeply or is it a kind numb state but constant accusation of pain from a narcissit to control the non-narcissit?

    Another issue is sexual violence in these types of relationships. I once while walking to class had a faint memory of a sexual encounter but couldnt pin point when it could have happened. Afte going to him it became clear that although we were engaging in intercourse. My narcissist had woken up last night and “couldn’t resist” and decided to have sex with me without my initial knowledge and I guess I appeared to both awake and not awake…I cannot begin to describe how violated I felt by someone who knew for a fact I would never turn him down.

    I unfortunately was told(red flag I ignored) very early on “sometimes you make me so angry I want to f*** you to hurt you”…and didn’t take it seriously until it later ended up happening during what I thought was a make up session which in reality was a way for him to get revenge with physical pain without the threat of domestic abuse charges…crazy right?!

    Can it be reasonable on my part to feel so much guilt/empathy for this past narcissist? I feel sad for him and in no way want anything with him but what a sad life.

    Lastly…I have not felt the intensity of love since and I am a bit terrified that I will never have that euphoric love feeling again without it being attached to him in the warped relationship we had where at moments he showed a little of that fragility…saying things early on like “I don’t think I can love you bc I don’t love myself”

    I want to be hopeful of the chance to love truly again…

    Thank you for being the incredibly brave and empowered woman you are to help others who are lost and ultimately damaged and left to heal all alone.

    Sincerely,

    Sofie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 20, 2013

      Hi Sina,

      it is very normal due to the high level of trauma bonding that occurs in these relationships to feel the pulls and ‘connection’…

      That is until you do the direct work on healing your unhealed parts which are a match for abuse. And it is these unhealed parts SPECIFICALLY that are still keeping you emotionally connected…

      In regard to ‘what you did’…you were being abused, and when we are abused we react. You were also being projected on to and gaslighted and twisted and turned with pathological lies…This sends anyone insane! The truth is you did not ‘hurt’ him – you reacted to him as most people intimately react to narcs….(most of us did the same), or the other version is the person who internalise the abuse and doen’t ‘fight back’ (much more rare)…

      These are the people who stay in long term relationships (extremely unhappily) with narcs…

      Of course (the reacting version) this was TRULY abusing ourself – staying attached to an abuser and trying to force them into some sort of accountability and normal safe behaviour.

      Narcissists all project their unhealed parts outwards on to you and then state – LOOK at you! In effect the narcissist has projected the parts of him or herself that are completely disowned ‘to the outside’ and can now attack them via you acting them out…(reacting back)..

      It is projected self-loathing and it is what narcissists do…

      Yes narcissists are misogynists sexually – absolutely. You are an object. Even narcs that pleasure women are doing that to feed their own ego – it is all about the False Self, and the inner wounds deep down despises women…

      Sexually all narcissist find ways to punish..witholding, sexual personal insults, sexual derogatory name calling such as ‘Whore’ ‘Slut’, adultery etc.etc. etc.

      It may not be ‘reasonable’ but it is ‘normal’ for you to feel guilt / remorse etc…….many people need to heal this ‘bind’…it is specifically Module 6 in the narcissistic abusive recovery program because it is so common…

      Until you do heal deep within you – you are not going to be a match for a non-narc – that’s the truth…hence why you can’t feel attraction towards helathy non-narcissistic men (or anyone else other than him…)

      My highest suggestion is – this has been going on long enough for you – and by doing NARP you will break free of all these attachments and reach the level of vibration you DO want to be…which is a match for healthy, safe love.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • aadamski2@aol.com'
    BH
    May 20, 2013

    Sofie,

    Go ahead with the NARP program, you will be empowered. It’s helped me — and yes, you will love again but first you need to empower yourself. Let us know how it goes <3

    ~BH

  • wohlitz@mweb.co.za'
    elna wohitz
    May 20, 2013

    hi melani, are there any scientific evidence of the different or malfunctional wiring of the narcsissists brain?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 20, 2013

      Hi Elna,

      yes apparantly I believe there is…

      Google search and see what you can find…this hasn’t been an area that I have delved into specifically.

      Mel xo

  • kolacoupe@hotmail.com'
    Paul
    May 20, 2013

    Hi,
    For me this is another big piece of the puzzle, in helping me recover, and I can well and truly identify with how many, if not all, of you feel. You’ll never get accountability, their brains are simply wired differently, and this, if you’re like me, has been one thing to accept mentally, another emotionally.
    “Letting Go” of the Narcissist is incredibly hard, seems almost impossible even. I’ve been in NARP since mid January this year, and I too still have some “residue” feelings/hooks that I’m working on. For any of you in this position, I have found the following resources very useful:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuhfFDVDAL0

    There are 3 videos, if you watch them start with number 1, there’s a Quanta Freedom Healing session in the last one. So for those of you not in NARP, you’ll get a flavor for how the healing MP3’s work.

    eBooks – Narcissistic Abuse the Truth and How to Do No Contact, the latter I use as “bible”, if you’re serious about healing, it’s a must read and re-read. From my own experience, breaking contact will set you and hold you back. Both are also in audio book format, I‘ve found listening more “powerful”. You can get these for free by signing up to Melanie’s news letter

    http://www.blogtalkradio.com/empowered-love/2012/07/24/narcissistic-central-how-to-let-go

    I found this radio show very useful, it explains NARP too

    Agonizing over the why’s, and doing research to explain these away is advantageous to a point, but you’ll probably have found, like me the relief is short term, then you’re back where you started. Melanie suggests a split 90/10, 90% work on yourself and 10% learning about narcissists, it’s sound advice.

    If you’re not in NARP I would recommend looking at it. Consider joining NARC on Face book too, they’re some great people, all on the same journey at different stages, many have helped me both knowingly and unknowingly. There are so many there to help us, but ultimately the only person who can get you to where you want to be is YOU.
    Best wishes to all of you
    Paul

  • i.chiron.95p@gmail.com'
    Caroline
    May 22, 2013

    I wish you had more information about children raised by a narcissist. Because a narcissist can definitely be a sadist, by far…especially if that parent never wanted to give birth to a particular child to begin with, and abhorred that child with utter resentment.

  • cher.chlapecka@sbcglobal.net'
    Beth
    May 22, 2013

    Dear Melanie, I just discovered you wonderful blog. So informative. I’ve been married to a NP for 25 years now. We have 3 kids 21-13. I’ve been in therapy and have understood he’s a NP for about 3 years now. I was a stay at home mom, and I am working on a certification for a new career, with the plan to leave him as soon as I can support myself and the kids. My big problem is that he lies about me to the kids, trying to make me out to be the “bad guy”.

  • cher.chlapecka@sbcglobal.net'
    Beth
    May 22, 2013

    Dear Melanie:
    I’m learing a lot from you wonderful blog. I have kids age 21-13. I am working on becoming employable after being a stay at home mom, so that I can get a divorce. My problem is that my NP husband lies to the kids to get them to think everything is my fault

  • manija@hotmail.com'
    Joy
    May 22, 2013

    Thank you once again Melanie! You are saving lifes, you are amazing! You are right to keep NARP far far away…but what to do when she is ur mother? What to do when so many family issue is bringing you back to talk to her. I stop contact with her since one year and i feel everyday better. But now a family issue and her malicious behavior once again forcing me to defend another member of family that she wants to destroy…so i will be obliged to speak with her…

  • Cookiepj1618@gmail.com'
    Paul
    May 22, 2013

    Beth, I’m on a similar position, if you haven’t listened to this radio show already, it has helped me. There’s a blog to go with it. If you’re still struggling email Mel she’s been very supportive. .

    http://www.blogtalkradio.com/empowered-love/2012/08/07/q-a–how-do-we-heal-our-children

    Best wishes Paul

  • moniquegallagher@gmail.com'
    Mo
    May 27, 2013

    Melanie,

    Thank you for removing the veil of delusion around this subject.

    In the work I do I have developed empathic abilities, psychic listening, clairvoyance abilities and have learned hot to use all those abilities to guide someone to connect with their True Self.

    Here is my question. In all my dealings I bring my intuitive skills with me which can cause ‘over identification’ issues. One of the things that trips me up is that I can identify with some of your descriptions of narcissistic behavior and also see it very much in my partner from a sociopath point of view (my narc behavior never ever has that component). So my question is how can I tell when I am over identifying with the narc description and beating myself up for my narc behavior rather than seeing the reality of what is happening right in front of me.

    As a perfectionist I sense that I can’t point a finger at someone else s behavior if I have even a little bit in me.

    How to see the case as it is without overly identifying with the narc description?

    I find myself ‘going along’ with the narc’s view of things to avoid argument and then think “am I being just as insincere and deceptive”.

    Your insights would be appreciated.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 28, 2013

      Hi Mo,

      the truth of the matter is that we all had ego function that matched the narc – ranging from emptiness, trying to get approval , love and significance ‘from the outside’ – to egoic reactions from fear and pain rather than an empowered way of being…

      Yes the big differentiation is that co-dependents in their ego are simply not capable of the sociopathic acts of narcs which I outline over and over in my articles and blog replies (especially the latest ones)…

      The whole deal here is recognising that you have egoic aspects (fearful / painful inner beliefs) to heal is NO REASON for staying attached to an abuser and EXCUSING IT…a narc, is a narc, is a narc which means no matter how much you take responsibility for your unhealed parts the narcissist will not (and cannot) – and will simply keep projecting them on to you and continue his or her narcissistic behaviour.

      Healing and recovery is all about healing the parts of you which are a match for a narcissist (egoic functions, fear, pain, insecurities and inner emptiness) but none of that recovery is to heal the relationship – because that won’t happen. It is to heal yourself and your future life experience.

      I hope this helps

      Mel xo

  • daisy.joseph32@gmail.com'
    Daisy
    May 27, 2013

    Hi Melanie,
    I have never ever known of anyone who can write in this powerful way as you do, and I everyday ponder and think of what coincidence led me to your website, unbelievable.
    I just have one question: do N individuals commit suicide?
    Thanks for the beautiful person you are, wish I can be like that one day.
    Daisy

  • daisy.joseph32@gmail.com'
    Daisy
    May 27, 2013

    I’m asking this because it seems from what i understood that they have deep inner pains, so, how can they live with them selves and their pain day by day, and especially when the face reality and get abandoned and cut off from N supply? would they consider an option of ending their lives?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 28, 2013

      Hi Daisy,

      it is rare for narcissists to commit suicide…Sam Vaknin’s take on this is ‘Why would they – they are already dead!’…

      Also the ego is an intense survival mechanism – survival mechansims dont tend to end lives, they do everything through fear to ensure the personality (ego) continues…

      I do, however, believe that as we shift more and more energetically – (this is going on for all of us – more details in my latest radio show http://tobtr.com/s/4903417 ) that things may get so painful for narcs that suicide does become more common amongst them.

      Mel xo

  • cwolff@y7mail.com'
    Christine
    May 27, 2013

    Hi All,

    Thank you for this site and all your contributions. I have believed myself to be insightful and intuitive and always saw beyond my partners behaviour to the beautiful person I saw under all that. I feel that everything is fine as long as I don’t try to be “intimate” with him, be passionate about anything, confront anything or hold him responsible. He isn’t violent or overly aggressive but will inflict hurt by his coldness and hardness. Even when I am the most vulnerable. He was a police officer for 7 years which I believe added to becoming narcissistic (no emotion). I really hate putting labels on people but I have been doing so much reading again lately about Narc’s and EVERYTHING about communicating with him resonates with me. Having come out of a violent relationship, and him having worked with domestic abuse victims, I thought he would have some compassion. However I see now that I was the perfect candidate. What I could never get is the constant put downs in a variety of ways – then the total denial of it when confronted. He would then stop for a while or it would be less – but I find that of course in THAT moment when they have a choice to act differently they revert back. I am extremely strong and am able to remove myself emotionally from most of it. However it hit me tonight… I really don’t know how I would react if I had a man in my life who was kind thoughtful and romantic – its been so long Ive almost forgotten…

    Thanks again awesome people!!

  • Colorful_moments26@yahoo.com'
    Mary
    May 27, 2013

    Please Melanie I have these two questions:
    Sam Vakin who accepted that he’s a narcissist says: because they do not exist as real persons, only as reflections: “The False Self replaces the narcissist’s True Self and is intended to shield him from hurt and narcissistic injury by self-imputing omnipotence and that’s why they don’t heal” – my question here: how an earth does he know that they don’t heal and how can he differentiate true self from false? why not fix it if he knows?
    also he says, “The narcissist pretends that his False Self is real and demands that others affirm this confabulation”- I didn’t get it, what is it that they demand?

    Please I need your insight.

    Beyond appreciated

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 28, 2013

      Hi Mary,

      yes I am happy to answer.

      The reason why narcissists don’t let go of their False Self (ego / mask) to claim and heal the True Self is they know the True Self is so stunted and ‘non-existent’ that it would be no match for the self-annihilating Super Critical Inner Parent which is constantly terrorising the narcissist.

      The False Self is the defence mechanism used to repeatedly ‘offset’ these self-annihilating emotions and thoughts.

      Sam does not believe it is possible for himself or another narcissist to achieve this…that’s why he doesn’t do it….

      Question 2, the False Self needs to be fed back to it the grandoise version of omnipotence to ESCAPE the true inner self-annihilating thoughts and feelings…so it does DEMAND that others do this – if not they must be punished so that they comply…

      That’s the deal, and I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • Ken.Fischer@SAFTAS.com'
    Ken
    May 29, 2013

    This was a really good summary article!

    I’ve noticed narcissists in the work environment & socially where their interaction with other subtly damaged personalities generally works to mask their pathology (in office environments, narcissists are often very disruptive, and if not observed creating trouble appear to be the glue holding an organization/group together such that corrective actions actually worsen the problem…until too late–beware the person at the “eye of the hurricane”!).

    People who are high functioning but also emotionally damaged — such as Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOAs or COAs) & those with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) for example–tend, it seems, to get along fine socially with pathological narcissists AND with emotionally healthy people.

    The reason seems to be that ACOAs & OCDs (& others) are naturally inclined to be emotionally distant with everybody–a narcissist has a hard time getting thru. But superficially their interactions with a healthy person seem “normal” and this gives the narcissist with whom they’ve had a long-term [BUT emotionally distant/superficial] relationship an illusion of similar credibility/apparent emotional health.

    That’s a social factor, working very subtly and independent of anyone’s control or manipulation, that makes it hard for many people to accept that this nice person everybody has gotten along with for so long is really emotionally malignant.

    There’s a lesson there: Be alert to cues of minor pathologies in peer groups & the interplay there–Birds of a Feather do flock together.

  • Ken.Fischer@SAFTAS.com'
    Ken
    May 29, 2013

    E-Mail & texting — Sometimes narcissistic tantrums & logical breakdowns show up in hastily written e-mails & text messages! I don’t know if this is rare, but I’ve encountered it twice–once was unmistakable.

    I got such a rant after e-mailing the owner of a salon (I’d gotten my haircuts in for over five years) the new receptionists were incompetent & very rude & it was driving customers away. I gave details — exactly the sort of feedback I’d want to know if it was my business.

    What I got was a rant that boiled down to “Who are you tell me I hired the wrong people!!” — excuses & rationalizations in part founded on a re-writing of what was going on — revisionist history so disconnected from reality that any rational reading would show some aspects to be impossible. Not insane, not just bizarrely twisted…flat out impossible. But there it was, in writing.

    MAYBE, next time you, or I, suspect we’re dealing with a narcissist try becoming unreachable for a time except by texting/e-mail — then push the buttons that will freak out any narcissist & see if your suspect does. IF they do you’ll know–and reading some insane nonsense they’ve written when they aren’t their to mess with your mind will make it easier to see them for what they are when you do actually see them again.

    If they’re not narcissists, the correspondence will be some minor misunderstanding or minor matter readily addressed & dismissed without incident.

  • Ken.Fischer@SAFTAS.com'
    Ken
    May 29, 2013

    The Journals of John Cheever — That book is John Cheever’s actual journal & he was diagnosed as a narcissist. Supposedly it gives one insight into how a narcissist actually thinks but as a journal is disjointed as a journal will invariably be

    (I hope to read it at some point, but haven’t yet; what piqued my interest was someone’s description of Cheever’s rant about finding out his family knew all along he was gay — Cheever [supposedly] wrote about his anger over this…because…he wanted his family to actually believe his façade of being “straight” and resented them seeing thru it … even though they still accepted him as he really was anyway!).

  • botch40@hotmail.com'
    Rooty Debruyn
    May 29, 2013

    Thank you so much , this really helps me a lot to go through this process,and start to see the chance to heal after 2 narcissistic very destructive relationships. So thank you !!

  • Sandyk920@yahoo.com'
    Sandy
    May 30, 2013

    This article on whether the narcissist knows what he’s doing vitually “blew my hair back” I’m married to a recovering alcoholic narcissist, the more sober he gets the worse the narcissism is getting . . I’m overwhelmed and ready to end the marriage; this article makes me pitty him in a way but by the way you described this, there is no end in site which is truly scary and disturbing . . plus . . enlightening . . thank you

  • jdee1976@hotmail.com'
    J
    May 31, 2013

    everything rang so true to my last short lived relationship and the one previous, which I am still in many ways trying to understand/get over .. it was a lot of what you mention but in very subtle ways and over time.. my dealings with it, gave me all kinds of physical issues and crushed my confidence. I wonder do these people just get worse as they get older and are more alone or do they just keep meeting new victims? does anyone ever see the error of their ways? I am doing better, I’ve a good day then a not so good day.. its taken me so much time just trying to figure it all out…still figuring thank you for this.. I will read and re read.. its helped a lot

  • shadowlandhome@att.net'
    John
    June 1, 2013

    Since I have seen it mentioned so many times, I would like clarification of something: what exactly is this “vibration” I keep seeing mentioned?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 3, 2013

      Hi John,

      ‘vibration’ is your emotional state. The emotions that you are ‘vibrating’ with.

      Mel xo

  • xjonquilx@att.net'
    J
    June 5, 2013

    Melanie, I have been receiving your emails for almost a year now. I have to admit, most of them have been spammed since I realized you were selling a product. However, recently I read a recounting of one of your client’s experiences, and it was SO AKIN to what I’ve been through that I thought this MIGHT actually be for real. Since then I’ve read several articles, and you are spot on. Not just from a personal viewpoint, but also from a psychological one (I have studied some psychology in the past, especially in relation to the dynamics of dysfunctional families and relationships). However, you use language that unlike psychology textbooks speaks to the actual victims and provides real support, not merely scientific analysis. I’m 8 months in to an injunction on my husband. It has been a struggle every inch of the way, not only with him, but with legal authorities as well. I was at the end of my rope, feeling that the injunction was the worst thing I could have done because it felt like chains and conviction instead of freedom and validation. You have helped me regain my healthier perspective I had months ago when I started on this path, and SO MUCH MORE. I will start coming to this blog every time I receive a court ordered email from my husband full of… umm, abuse. I still feel uncomfortable calling it that because I still feel kind of confused and baffled by him, but you’re tying it all together for me and helping me understand what’s going on here. Just that alone has allowed me to get back on my calm, logical responses instead of reacting emotionally any more. I feel like I have the upper hand again, not him like I did before. I realize now that I need to step up to the bat and do what I reason and feel is best, not just relying on everyone else to tell me what to do/what is best. That’s where I’ve been screwing up. Thank you once again, Melanie. After consulting with my counselor about this website, I’m going to buy the program if she gives the green light.

  • smithjonnylee@gmail.com'
    j l smith
    June 7, 2013

    you’re an absolute joy Melanie… everytime I read one of your articles my heart soars.

  • darlamacphee@gmail.com'
    DM
    June 8, 2013

    thank you Melanie for your clear description. I am in shock, although I knew that my last relationship was a narcissistic one, I only just realized that my ex husband of 13 years was one as well. I am free of narccisism, but I do feel very sorry for them, how they must struggle. But I won’t be a part of it anymore. Thank you for this blog to help people to understand this kind of relationship. DM

  • texasiapups@yahoo.com'
    Trish A
    June 15, 2013

    I don’t even remember how I stumbled upon your website, other than my therapist told me to go home and do a lot of research on Narcissists. I cannot tell you how much I feel on my way to recovery after only 4 weeks of being fully away from ‘my’ Narcissist, all thanks to your site, articles, blog and emails.

    This information has so impressed me that I’ve passed your site on to my therapist in case he can tell others about it.

    Thank you for all that you do; for your commitment to ridding the world of “them;” and your level of caring for those of us who’ve been similarly abused.

  • Garlicbleu@hotmail.com'
    Sophie trahan
    June 15, 2013

    Thank u melanie,your blog is a huge help!i finally left my husband of 9 years/partner of 15 years.we share a 14 year old daughter.i feel very fragile still but determined this time to keep away with no contact.he just has cut me off financially,he is the bread winner i am his unpaid slave literally.should i contact a solicitor straight away or let the summer pass when i will feel stronger.i can support myself for few months.regards.sophie

  • mellymoochoo@gmail.com'
    Melanie . B
    June 17, 2013

    I have 3 children to this seriously disturbed ex of mine…I left close to 2 years ago, and boy have I copped it since, im currently doing NO contact so waiting for his next move but I am very ready to accept it and not respond…..my concern is out of our 3 kids my middle child who is a girl and is 7, and she is “JUST LIKE HER FATHER” do you have any tips on how I should raise her, (she certainly will not have the traumatic childhood her father had)???? Her behaviour is already really difficult and she can breakdown at the slightest thing! She has that amazing ability to make me feel like the worst person if I so much as look at her the wrong way……my fault of course! At least ive woken to that trick…..
    Also I have not read up on much of the perverted/deviate side of narc’s I seen my ex (overtime) get sick and he also became perverted, I do worry about my daughters around him and other women and trust me ive tried everything to warn people, get help and get him help, but he is successful in portraying me as ‘CRAZY’….(im over that, I know im not crazy)…..
    cheers Mel

  • mariadcosta3@hotmail.com'
    Lisa
    June 30, 2013

    I have been in an emotionally hurtful and abusive relationship for a long time… in truth, I have to say, that I have also been abusive and inappropriate towards my ex also…. but I do know that I was crazy and abusive in response to something he was doing… I am not trying to justify my own wrong doings, but sometimes when I read the articles on Narcissism, I see glimpses of myself and I’m worried that it might be me who is the narcissist… and sometimes it’s crystal clear that ‘he’ is the narcissist… does anyone else have these self doubts about their own Self?? Thankyou….

  • jep9703@gmail.com'
    Elaine
    July 2, 2013

    Thank you for your site and the work you’ve done and shared. I was raised by narcissists, and my life has been full of them. I can also see that I have shown traits similar. Everything made sense (painfully so) as I read your descriptions and accounts. I understand now about narcissist supply. It explains so much. Those who have been currently in my orbit don’t know what to make of the changes in me as I’ve established no contact and refused to get hooked again. Now, all I want to do is to heal. Thank you.

  • Freakanovia2@yahoo.com'
    Joe
    August 29, 2013

    Why can’t a narcissist read this and understand that It is them and they need to try and evolve out of that state of mind?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 29, 2013

      Hi Joe,

      Because the False Self is the buffer to stop the pain of the damaged inner self.

      To meet this ‘inner’ feels like total annihilation to a narc.

      Also the brain wiring of a narcissist is disordered – it matches the state of the ‘inner self’…they literally do not have the ‘consciousness’ to find a way out.

      It is only when in intense narcissistic injury (when the ego has collapsed out of the way) that the narcissist has a ‘moment’ to glimpse the truth and the real inner self in need of dire healing.

      But as soon as the False Self gets reinstated – even just marginally – it is back to the takeover of the disorder again.

      I hope this explains.

      Mel xo

  • woo162@yahoo.co.uk'
    Pamela
    August 30, 2013

    Hi Joe,

    I felt like that too, why can’t I show him all these blogs etc to enlighten him about his behaviour but as Melanie says, the False Self won’t allow this. My ex Narc never accepted any blame or accountability during the whole 6 years of our on/off (all off periods instigated by him during a discard period) everything was my fault and he said I needed help! Yes I did, but only help to realise who and what I was dealing with and that I needed to heal me and not him. If you are suffering too please take heart that you are not to blame and that hopefully by reading these blogs you can endeavour to follow the path to heal yourself, just as I am doing too. Its painful but we in the community have each other for support and advice. Good luck x

  • majmmkd@gmail.com'
    BrokeNheart25
    September 4, 2013

    I have been reading all the blogs, articles, and books about the “N” for the past month. I know I still have a lot of healing ahead of me but right now I feel fixated on something must be wrong with him and finding reasons why he didn’t love me enough. Why we couldn’t just be happy or that we just didn’t work out. We both did horrible things to each other. I feel like I’m using the “N” stuff as an excuse for why he didn’t love me enough or why we couldn’t make it work. Yes, all of those stories happened to me also but I was there, I played a part in it. I thought I was crazy. I wanted to die just a month ago. I miss him and love him today. I feel sorry for him. He had a horrible childhood. Why and what made me fall hopeless in love with him? We were together for over 25 years, two beautiful and amazing children! Which are very successful and happy and still love us both with all our flaws and failures. I sometimes think I am just filling in the blanks. Just like hearing a song on the radio that matches your feelings and emotions. I am twisting and turning my experience into him being narcistic because I don’t want to face that maybe I’m the one that needs help.I was a huge part of where we are now-episode 25, chapter 25, another season, whatever you want to call it; life! I have support and love from family and friends. I’m guessing…I’m somewhat attractive, educated, and other great qualities but why do I still feel so lost and empty without him? I know he is fine with his girlfriend that he has had off and on for three years. I just want answers! I want to fix it! I feel broken! Having a really bad day!
    Thanks for any help or advice you might have for me.

  • dschnebly1@gmail.com'
    Dee
    September 6, 2013

    Hi, Melanie! I don’t know if you’ve ever worked with people who have Asperger’s Syndrome (a high functioning “Autistic”) or not. My husband has Asperger’s and exhibits a lot of Narcissistic tendencies. I sometimes feel at a loss about what to do.

  • persephone1965@gmail.com'
    Percie
    November 2, 2013

    This article has given me goosebumps. I stood up to my narcissist and told him a few home truths, the end result being he dumped me in the most callous way possible, I am still reeling from it. But my question has always been this – during any argument we ever had, he was always telling me that when we fight it is the end of the world for him. I have been at such a loss trying to figure this out, have asked many people if they could make something of it, something which could help me understand why it all went so wrong. I read this article now and thank you, Melanie, from the bottom of my heart, I finally get it. I have a lot of healing to do still, was so very much in love despite the red flags, but know that eventually I will get there.

  • hollyjangel@yahoo.com'
    Holly
    November 15, 2013

    Thank you for writing this article. It has been quite awhile now since I left a 4 year relationship with a Narc and still do my best to maintain a relationship with my mother who I see now is also a Narc. I have come a long way in the past year and a half but lately have found myself sliding backwards a bit emotionally as stuff seems to be flushing up again and your article was a great reminder to me in many ways.

    I am considering getting some counseling but find that I am afraid even to trust a counselor with my deepest feelings. That’s my biggest issue now. Trust. Trusting others, but more so I think it is trusting myself. I still feel how could I have let all that happen? And if I was so fooled before, could I be fooled again and buy into a huge illusion again. It still has me a bit paralyzed when it comes to relating to others.

    I am hoping the old saying is true.. time heals everything.

    Thank you again for being a great reminder of how far I have come. 🙂

  • blackbutterflyktdl@gmail.com'
    emotinally abused
    March 31, 2014

    i took a psychology course last semester and that was when i first became interested in the narcissist behavior. I always wondered if my boyfriends characteristics were deeper than selfishness, but i have been doing a lot of research lately because i feel that this relationship has come to a head. he is indeed a narcissist. i am currently in the process of emotionally leaving the relationship (i know that sounds weird, but i have to emotionally prepare myself for an action before i can physically take it). i have verbalized that i no longer want to be in this relationship to him, but we still cohabitate and co parent two small children. i am financially unable to physically leave currently but i am making provisions to do so as soon as possible. reading this blog has liberated and enraged me at the same time because it hass forced me to accept the fact that i ignored all of the red flags that there were before children were ever even involved. you would not believe the emotional toll this relationship has taken on me (but i guess you guys would, or there wouldn’t be this blog) anyway, im glad to know that i am not the only person to have gone through this and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. still, i have to admit it saddens me to realize that i was used and abused for ten years and i allowed it to happen. god is my savior though, he helps me through everything, sending prayers you guys’ way.

  • renalexanders@gmail.com'
    Tyrienne
    August 14, 2014

    Thank you so much for this article. The narcissist in my life also had PTSD- it explains so much.

  • sm4443615@centurylink.net'
    Sally
    October 7, 2014

    hi. great post. i have had a long distance relationship with a man that seemed pretty great, but quickly showed his true colors. i am now very grateful for the distance. my narc basically dumped me, but kept in touch — barely, and he must be needing to recycle me, as he wants to come visit me. i was trying to figure out what was wrong with him — was he bipolar, was he borderline — what the heck is it??? i’m glad i am curious, because the research i did finally made sense he is a perfect example of a narcissist. yes, i have compassion for him because i know he was raised by a monster. however, i have compassion for myself as well. i used to feel jealous that another woman was probably getting his attention, but i don’t care anymore. she is getting the same defective, sick, and toxic person, and anyone that ever deals with him romantically, at least, will get the same awful person. he is a LOSER. i’m so happy to have finally realized that due to blogs like these and others. thank you for helping people. i am FREE at last!!

  • janegore50@gmail.com'
    Jane
    January 2, 2015

    Hi Melanie

    Dear Melanie
    Thank you so much for coming into my life!
    I have been married for 27 years and having had a wonderful childhood I have always known that my marriage was not normal. I have struggled and felt confused , desperate , heartbroken and disappointed, however being a Christian and from a loving family I felt I had committed and must continue with my marriage and hold it all together for the sake of my two children.
    These children are now 24 and 25 and the latter( my son ) suffers with anxiety and low self esteem which I have always put down to a bipolar hereditary problem in my side of the family. My husband is more than willing to agree with this diagnosis.
    However having discovered your NARP and explanations/advice I realise that despite a possible bipolar contributarity factor …. My husband is a narcassist and I am a co dependant through and through. I have virtually sold my soul to ‘please’ my husband and therefore avoid the pouts, mood swings silent treatment or angry outbursts, but to no avail. NOW I GET IT!! It was never going to happen however hard I tried!
    My son is now showing the same signs with his girlfriend ( albeit a milder version YET)
    I have purchased the silver package NARP and am just struggling with finding enough peace and uninterrupted time to listen to your instructions,
    I pray continually that my son will put his pride aside and listen as I know how much he is hurting and if not caught in time will end up like his father.
    I do not have my own money and being a business partner with my husband (despite having no say in any decisions) I am trapped. So I wonder if it is possible to continue to live with him as husband and wife????
    Since I realised just how much I have been a N supply and tried to be more assertive things have been awful, he’s been cold towards me and I feel less like I matter than ever before. I am 54 and can’t imagine another 10 years like this especially as the children have left home.
    I will continue with your programme but can I do it here or will it only work if I leave and have no contact?

    Thanks for all your e mails and support, God bless you and happy new year
    Jane x

  • teresaims@hotmail.com'
    Teresa
    January 26, 2015

    How does the mother of a 32 year old daughter that is married to a 50 year old Narc…….handle this situation? He is 5 years younger than I am…..they have my only grand child, she will be 5 soon. I recently moved closer…1 hour away verses almost 3 hours and feel that he sees it as a threat, and has recently involved many of my family members and their friends with a 4 page text saying he was isolating me from my daughter and grand daughter until his wife gets well…..as she is fragile and suffering from severe anxiety. He has for years put her on a guilt trip whenever I suggested we do something or go somewhere….he made her make a choice between he and I.. I will stay away as he believes I am the narc in the relationship……..with the true hope that she gets well. Suppose she finds after these long months of not communicating with her mother she does not get well…..will she hate me for not stopping this now? She is a grown woman, but has been with him since she was 17…….help?

    • Lexten@alumni.nd.edu'
      LK
      March 5, 2015

      Thank you for this. I have been in a relationship with my N for 5 1/2 years; we have been married for 1 1/2 years and have a five month old. Every step of the way, alarm bells went off in my head, and I tried discussing with him. Every time, he convinced me that my concerns were unfounded and that it was time to ‘take the next step’. This was particularly true when it came to my getting pregnant. Since our baby was born, his behavior has gotten worse – he seems to view her as an enemy and has turned his aggression toward her. I finally put my foot down and insisted on couples counseling, which he opted out of after the first session. I have since been seeing an individual counselor, and she suggested that he is a malignant narcissist. With everything I read on the topic, I feel so much better knowing I am not alone in this struggle.

      The real struggle, however, is in actually leaving, which I know I have to do – if not for myself, then for our daughter. But I can’t help but feel this overwhelming sadness for him. He will never truly understand why I left, because he isn’t capable of seeing what he is/what he has done. And worse, it isn’t his fault that he developed this disorder – he grew up in a house where his father was controlling and emotionally abusive, and his mother enabled that behavior. It is devastating to me to think about the man he could have been if he had not been subjected to that environment as a child.

      I know that I cannot fix things for him and that I have to get my daughter as far away as possible, but how do I get past my sadness for him so I can walk away?

  • natsunor@gmail.com'
    Nelly
    May 13, 2015

    hi Melanie,
    I recently unveiled the narcissist in my life, we had been together 11yrs, and have a 5yr old son together. I know I need to walk away and heal myself, it is my only hope. But what about my son, at the moment his Dad is being very attentive and involved, whilst treating me, family and loved ones like discarded pieces of rubbish. Do I slowly wean him out of his responsibilties? My support structure is moving cities, and I would so love to move myself and my son with them, to be away from the drama. But my son has already been through so much trauma with his father walking out in the space of 48hrs to a new life with people he only met weeks before.
    Thank you, any advice is appreciated.

  • wryremark@gmail.com'
    Jen
    October 12, 2015

    I’m currently divorcing a narcissist, and have found one technique very helpful. That technique? “Walk away.” Despite having six children, I’m not asking for any child-support / alimony. The “no contact” approach, means he can’t suck energy and life from the kids and me. Financially, we’re very scared, but it’s NOTHING compared to the fear of getting yelled at for glancing wrong, or speaking one word inaccurately. Relatives may encourage the non-narcissist to “sock it to the ex” by demanding this, that, and that. But narcissists don’t need positive attention – they just need to feel alive in some way, and for the narcissist, victimhood is a great feeling. A contentious divorce can be a wonderful thing for the sick mind. Don’t “feed” that need with any of your energy. Just go. Run. Disengage. If the narcissist threatens, leave it alone. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking alimony is always worth the interaction. Be strong! Be well!

  • drswj@msn.com'
    Will
    February 16, 2016

    I found your article very helpful. Thanks for taking the time to write it. I am a codependent in recovery. I have sadly sought the “love” of many narcissistic females. However, I realize that the codependent is an inverted-narcissist, as Mr. Vaknin may state. Therefore, to suggest I am better in some way, is a dangerous slope. To desire love from an object that cannot give it, is actually an attempt to value myself through my wonderful giving: “Look! See how kind I am and how loving I am? I am so kind and selfless that I will actually try to love something that could never return it! Therefore, I deserve love!” But, clearly, this silly goal leads to nothing but pain. I must remember, I am with someone who cannot give love, so that tells me that I actually don’t know how to receive love and that if someone was actually loving me, I would run from it, not trust it, and likely ruin it by suggesting that I don’t need it. That my space is important to me. All of a sudden, I become a classic narcissist. This is why Vaknin describes this situation as a dance of the dead. If I could stop thinking of myself as so important and so unimportant, I may have a chance! The codependent is a splitter of the Self. Yes, narcissists should be left as soon as one discovers the lack of empathy, but then try to move on peacefully to finding your value with a “love” relationship. Stop using sex (masturbation) and drugs and alcohol (or other distractors) to mask our own trauma (or neglect) history. Most of us who loved narcissists have never been loved. Let’s try to remember that.

  • ovanovasullenfables@gmail.com'
    Nova
    September 9, 2016

    This post is absolutely fantastic in terms of understanding who exactly the Narcissist is and how exactly they operate from the inside and out. I have read it several times and I continue to read it because it helps makes sense of the behavior I experienced. I am slowly getting over the anger in my healing and so I am better able to digest this post, which lets me understand how the Narcissist suffers. I wouldn’t have been able to handle it a few weeks ago. These are broken people. They know what they are doing is wrong, but they also don’t really know how to *not* be wrong. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter to them because, like all of us, they are just trying to survive. In the only way they know how–by feeding off of us. Manipulating us and demolishing us is simply what they need to do to stay alive, in their minds. Therefore, the best response for anyone who finds themself in an intimate relationship with these people–of whatever nature–can only be to stay very far away.

  • mnic88143@aol.com'
    DR BLABBY
    November 6, 2016

    This really was an outstanding article — climbing inside the head of a “narc”……… and realizing he/she is just wired to protect their ego at all costs. The False Self has no conscience.. and is, definitely, amoral. Can most of us accept it? Probably not. The craziness of their mercurial brain will never be stable. It is always in motion – looking for the next “fix”…..

    I have been with a narc off/on for l0 yrs and married him 5 yrs ago. I kept my house ( long story) and he has his. I am convinced the only reason we are together is because of the distance between us. We do enjoy time together — but I have also been the receptacle of his abuse MANY times — triangulated against with his family/friends ( behind my back so had no clue what nastiness I was being accused of). He has destroyed my reputation with his family and accused me of being the “crazy” one. I have left so many times I lost count – threatened him with divorce and always came back. Today is another example. Why?

    I am a codependent and daughter of a narcissist who nearly destroyed me until the day he died. IT’s familiar to me ( didn’t say it was right)…. but I figured I could handle this man/boy. He is a huge handful ( emotional development of a 5 yr old as all the narc profiles state) and I am a very strong woman. For those of you who have chosen to stay with a narc — and there are some out there – for whatever your reasons are. I advise this:

    Shut down emotionally — he will never truly “love” you — he can’t attach as he trusts nobody and doesn’t feel that need to connect. He
    doesn’t know how. He may be dependent on you – THINK he loves you .. TELL you he loves you.. but deep down.. if you left him, he’d be over you in 3 minutes. They detach – They protect themselves/ego and move to the next supply.. Understand that !!!! YOU are a supply. A source. You are NOT his soul mate. There is NO such thing.

    Keep your distance – take care of you. Do what makes YOU happy — pamper yourself. If you are the subject of verbal abuse – you leave the room and say you will be back when he can be pleasant. And leave. End of subject. By the next morning, he will have forgotten what he said – pretend everything is fine and you are back to square one. That is the plus of a narc. They act horribly and then conveniently forget about it. Do NOT take that personally. He was just dumping his nastiness on to you ( Projection).

    Surround yourself with loving friends/ family/ neighbors / co workers.. be with people who are positive who ADD something to your life to make
    you happy. The narc outbursts / negative attitude ways you down — becomes a constant storm cloud. Get away from it and refuse to sit there
    and listen to him drone on about his rotten day and all the people who have wronged him. LIsten for 5 minutes – and be detached.. Then leave.
    They love to have a sounding board ( you) and are not really interested in anything you have to say. You are as important as a chair …. Sorry but that is the truth.

    Just protect yourself – your money ( if you have any – never give it to a narc)…… and never let them keep you a prisoner.

    So.. why am I there? I love his energy. I love how he gets excited about his latest projects ( most never happen)…. and how outgoing he is
    ( on the outside) and although it’s a “false” face… it’s kind of fun. He’s quite the party boy – but does have an uncanny ability to diffuse volatile
    situations with OTHER people.. It’s amazing to see – and too bad he can’t do it with his own family??

    I am no kid.. I am 67 yrs old – Mother of 4 grown kids – and have a Grandson I adore. HE is my focus now ( high functioning autistic) and I make sure he’s ok since his Mommy is a teacher and can’t always be there. I am a loving woman – kind, compassionate, loyal, honest, trustworthy and
    forgiving. I KNOW who I am. Nobody will ever try to convince me otherwise — So NEVER let a narc try do convince YOU, otherwise, either!!!

    Be strong — narcs are NOT for the weak hearted or the easily bruised. You will have to take care of yourself. He will NEVER be there for you –
    If you can’t agree to that — you need to break away – get out and never look back. I don’t have to stay with him — but as long as he never
    lays a hand on me — I”m ok. THAT is a deal breaker. I”d slam the door and never go back. Do I have to put up with him? NO. Does he
    really know what he’s doing? NO. He’s only protecting his ego. I get that. I wish I knew what happened to him when he was a little boy – that
    I will never know. Can I change anything? No. Just protect you. That is ESSENTIAL to survive. And find your true happiness within yourself or with those who love you. They do not love. Ever. They can fake it – they can tell you what you want to hear — but deep down? YOU are only
    supply for their fragile egos. Sorry – but it’s true. Much good luck to all. It is not an easy road — best described by many as an emotional roller coaster. Very true. Only way to make it stop – is to get off — Don’t play.. Or leave.

  • osvaldo.delreal@gmail.com'
    Ozzie
    December 23, 2016

    I don’t have the words to express the gratitude for this post/article, it all hit home, it answered so many questions, it was like a puzzle I’ve had that I could never complete or fill fulfilled because the center peace was missing & now that I found it I can complete the puzzle and make sense of everything that I have gone through this past 3 years. Again, thank you so much!

  • pattisparo@yahoo.com'
    Patricia
    January 26, 2017

    “soul destroying” is exactly how I explained my exes behavior to him. What a mess of pain and confusion that relationship left me in. I will neve allow myself to be destroyed like that again This article is so powerful, thank you.

  • Brmitchell1987@gmail.com'
    BridgieBoo
    March 19, 2017

    This was so painfully eye opening and helpful. I am recovering from the abuse of a narcissistic relationship and it is extremely painful. Reading this helped me to feel like I wasn’t losing my mind. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. I am eternally grateful.

  • karlhuber@hotmail.com'
    Liz
    May 13, 2017

    Hi Melanie

    Thank you for these honest and respectfull insights! Many bloggers and responders do write hatefull stuff about narcissistic persons, dehumazing them by using abbreviatons like npds, narcs. I am Dutch and the online information on this typical disorder is rather limited here, so I am very gratefful to find soo much here! Now, as an ex co-dependent (as I think you call it in the states) of a covert narcissist I am working my way through all this info on npd and learning new things daily.
    I have been in a relationship for over 7 years, and it was only october 2016 that I found out what I really had gotten into. Tragically by pure coincidence, as a (close, but non blood-related) young nephew of my boyfriend had committed suicide and was claimed to be recently diagnosed with npd (the arrogant type). Having at that time very little knowledge of the disorder, I went to search for some definitions. It was when it hit me that all my feelings of anxiety and craziness, my confusion on what was going on in our relationship and why it was such a struggle and I felt more and more disconnected, trapped and sad in it, fell into place as a result of my being with a covert narcissist all this time Although I had left my boyfriend several times before and kept coming back to him, from that moment on I decided to research as much as I could and prepare for my final goodbye. Which is now about 6 weeks ago. We’re still in contact though, and I am grieving the past and recent period so much.
    What strikes me, is that the common opinion is to stay away from the ex and from the related blogs in order to heal faster and all I see is ex-partners responding and sharing on blogs. I myself keep thinking that once i have figured him out, I will be able to completely let go and start the healing process. But then again, I don’t think he himself has a clue of what he is experiencing/doing and why. And to be honest, I may have not completely given up on him – which I am is a dangerous and unhealthy belief. But how can you give up on people that treated you bad (not violantly) just because they are deeply wounded inside? So why do all these people who tell me and theirselves to let finally go keep visiting these blogs? Is it because they still have hope too, or look for closure, try to understand?

    • ramsey_82@hotmail.com'
      Linda
      May 28, 2017

      I feel the same as what you just said. I’m reading so much into this and I think it’s clear to try not understand why they do this and that. I’ve realised it sends me crazy, trying to work it all out. Really, they are the crazy ones, but make out like we are crazy and have mental health issues. It’s so awful and it has taken all of my confidence away. Unfortunately I have two young children to my ex. I’m starting to feel I was just an object to give him children, and then he left, and blamed the relationship breakdown on me solely. No responsibility taken in his behalf whatsoever. Not to mention, he left me at 15weeks pregnant with our second daughter. So awful, and apparently all my fault. They hate strength in a person and slowly chip away at the victims confidence to feed their supply. So heartbreaking.

  • scotthackenberg@gmail.com'
    Scott H
    May 20, 2017

    You nailed it. This article and your videos have resonated with me so much, been so helpful in ways I can’t fully articulate or express, thank you!

  • ramsey_82@hotmail.com'
    Linda
    May 28, 2017

    Wow this was a great read. For years I have made excuses why my narc ex did this and that, I always thought it was because of everything you said in this article, but the thugs he said to me made me believe otherwise. This just really confirms I was not going crazy xx

  • wbdavenport@gmail.com'
    Brian
    June 18, 2017

    My God! How does this article manage to describe EXACTLY what I am going through currently with my boyfriend of almost 12 years. I am actually slightly frightened by the prospect he is a “false self” living life with no accountability. I know this article is about healing but I am literally just now realizing what I have been plagued by all these years. I still love him and truly feel sorry for him as well. How can I bring myself to leave? I feel that either way I will be devastated and I might as well stick with what is familiar. I know it is unhealthy for me but I just cannot seem to imagine life without him.

  • empathymovie@gmail.com'
    Rob Ganz
    September 5, 2017

    Hello Melanie,
    I am so delighted to have found you and your postings it is so refreshing to know there is someone that understands me and understands what I am going through. I’ve commented on another post somewhere stating what of the narcissist that does not know they are narcissistic we know that there is no return from this condition but I realize they do it they do with no malicious intent. At least the covert narcissist does not. Anyway I am producing a film entitled EMPATHY as ironic as that is I am so glad that I have found you. Thank you so much!

  • caldwellconnie1@bellsouth.net'
    Connie
    October 3, 2017

    Every line of your article is so right on. I dated a narcissist for 7 years. He did all the things you mention including making me the bad guy with all his friends. Somehow, I got the strength to leave him. Within weeks my life began progressing. I began growing at a fast rate, to make up for the 7 years of stagnancy with him. I became independent and learned to love myself and others more fully. I am so much happier. After 2 years my narcissist began calling and needing. Within a very short time I began feeling the pain and despair I always felt with him. I’ve cut it off permanently. Even though he professed to want to be my friend, which friends like that, who needs enemies. Thank you for a great article.

  • nicoljirous@hotmail.com'
    Nicol
    October 15, 2017

    Wow. This article is fantastic. It’s a shame narcs will never fully appreciate the other ppl in their life.

  • julblay@aol.com'
    J
    November 14, 2017

    I am just coming to the realization that I have been in a relationship with a narcissist for the past 3 years. I am trying to pull away and move on, but I still have that feeling of hope that it could get better, if he could only see what he is doing. It is only getting worse everyday, and as it does, I see more and more of his true colors….and that scares me. How have I let myself go through this for three years, and for the most part I allowed him to make me feel like it was me and my shortcomings that have caused all the fighting. Your article has been so helpful, I feel like you have seen my life from from my eyes and it is empowering just knowing that I am not the only one that has gone through this and it helps me to feel that maybe I’m not crazy. At this point in my life, I do still feel the pain of not wanting to lose this future I thought I had with him…. I question whether I’m throwing it all away. However I am beginning to see that its not the future I once thought it was. 🙁 Thank you so much for your insight on narcissistic relationships. Pushing forward and praying each day!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 14, 2017

      Hi J,

      it is quite a shock when we realise, and of course, it is normal to hang onto hope and want it to be different. My heart goes out to you J.

      I am so pleased you know that you are not alone, and please know this Community is an amazing source of help and healing. Also please make sure that you are subscribed to all my free resources: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse they will help support you so much … and I highly recommend enrolling in my free webinar – there is a such a boost to your healing there. (You can access it through the link provided).

      I hope this helps J, sending you strength and healing.

      Mel xo

  • sophmacken@gmail.com'
    Sophie
    November 16, 2017

    Thank you beautiful Mel for all your awesome work and passion and love and deep care 💙🦋🙏! I’ll be forever grateful. You’re my inspiration 🥇⭐️🧚🏼‍♀️🤩 xxx

  • Dkdyal@live.com'
    Deanna Johnson
    November 28, 2017

    Thank you for this insightful article! I’m 10 years out of a narcissistic marriage. While i am now happily married and enjoying a normal and loving relationship, I still on occasion try to “make sense” of the past. This has opened my eyes. Thank you!

  • kat-lat@sbcglobal.net'
    Kathy A Tinney
    December 20, 2017

    Several Years ago after a very confusing period of years, I realized my sister was a narcissist. reading helped me understand some of the “Why’s” I love her and feel some what responsible for the life she has in front of her. But accept that it is a road she must follow without me. Now the really bad news, my son is with an extreme narcissist. I feel that I cannot save him but I can only wait for him to come out the other side. There are several articles about dealing with the narcissist mother-in-law but how do I deal with the narcissist daughter in law.

  • paul.whitehead@ziggo.nl'
    Paul Whitehead
    January 3, 2018

    Great article, I can so relate to the points you make here and that of course the narcissist blames the other as being unreasonable. One comment struck me: “the narcissist feeds off other people”. I have only recently been reading these articles on narcissism but have spent many years looking into psychic vampirism. The similarities are striking!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 4, 2018

      Hi Paul,

      absolutely psyhic vampirism is the same. The myth of vampires was apparantly modelled on narcissism.

      Mel xo

  • Ban.bloomington.il@gmail.com'
    JJ
    January 18, 2018

    If I could pick one word in this whole article that stands out, it would be chameleon. I actually used that word in the years of therapy I’ve gone through. Yet, I feel like no one really understands what that means when I say it. I observed 18 years of the chameleon like behavior, and yet as a witness to it, I just went along. It’s like they know exactly what empathy button to push in people and are highly skilled at doing it. The only way i can describe it sounds slightly conspiracy theory-ish. Trying to describe it can come off as sounding bitter and jealous, at best, and crazy at worst. It’s like they are able to Hotwire a brain connection, (like a hacker hacking into a computer). They tap into the strongest held beliefs/ frustrations in the other person, adapt their color (chameleon) reflecting back the connection they just tapped, as if displaying the persons feeling on a monitor, back to them). Giving an impression that they are deeply connected on a soul level. It’s that moment when the other person disables their security system, let’s down the firewall for a moment that they quickly plant the virus that will grow into their hidden agenda. I liken it to the HIV virus tricking the immune system to let it in. It disguises itself as belonging to the system, but is really there to destroy it. The frustrating thing is people just don’t believe it when you try to explain it! Get on a narcissists bad side by trying to expose them, and they Will trigger the seeds they planted in other people. Pretty soon you are being pushed out, banned like you are a foreign body invader. The assimilated attackers not knowing that, it is in fact they who have been infected, and they are helping to spread the virus by believing the lies of the narcissist. Sounds ridiculous right? Maybe it even sounds crazy to think that someone would have that much power or influence over others? Yes, I know that’s how it sounds, and unless you’ve lived it, I know you won’t get it. Trying to get people to “get it” will drive you crazy, yet here I am, trying to explain! The icing on the cake… the narcissist uses this to their advantage by taking your own actions and using them as a defense. “Oh, she’s just delusional and thinks I’m out to get her.” Conviently dropping the context, telling half truths, and creating blantant lies. By attempting to taking a stand and tell the truth (using facts) you create your own demise. It is simply insane the things these people are able to get away with, and then somehow they twist it to make their actions seem like a defensive strategy to your (false) attack. Having to coparent with a person like this is maddening!

  • tloftus@aloftgraphics.com'
    Tony L
    February 17, 2018

    It is amazing how on point this was to my situation with a female covert passive aggressive narcissist (wow, that’s a mouthful)
    I was with her for 4 years and I won’t go into detail but I got dumped out of the blue and during it she was someone I didn’t recognize…and she devalued me in ways that are clearly refutable by colleagues, family, friends, neighbors, etc. She took zero responsibility for anything. I had no idea what love bombing was…I just thought she was like me (I tend to be a romantic when I fall in love with someone and do over the top things to show my love) I had no idea of idealization, devaluing, and discarding. Long story short, what has truly helped in my healing process is knowing that the person that had my heart, and my love didn’t exist….she is a fabrication. And as silly as it is that I fell for an act deep down I know nobody else is ever going to get that as a real person so my loss is minimized. On the other hand being an empathetic person my understanding, my compassion, and my empathy was truly given to the person I always knew existed beneath the cheap side show everyone sees. That’s why i hung around for four years…I truly did want to give her a better life than i know her parents provided her.

  • eternia2001@yahoo.com'
    Lisa
    February 27, 2018

    This is by far the most helpful and insightful piece written and helped me greatly in trying to come to grips with my narcissistic mother and the abuse she’s subjected me to for the last 36 years. I have more clarity, direction and peace after reading this and less rage. Thank you so much for this!

  • starkr591@gmail.com'
    Rick Starkey
    April 29, 2018

    I came across your article this morning and want to say how helpful and insightful is is. Thank you! I am married to an narcissist but have only recently been able to put a face on what has been happening and is growing in frequency and intensinty. I cannot seem to find any resources on how to help myself deal with our issue on a personal level. I do believe it is our problem because she is my wife and I love her deeply! We vowed for better or worse and have had some of both. If you know of any resourse to help me deal with things better or appropriatly I desperately seek them. I truly refuse to give up on the woman I fell in love with from the very first moment I met her. Again, thank you for your insight. I truly needed it!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 30, 2018

      Hi Rick,

      It’s my pleasure and I am pleased this helped.

      Rick my heart goes out to you because so many of us felt exactly the same.

      I really don’t know what else Rick to tell you other than detach and heal is how we healed our soul and sanity.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Fbennion@hotmail.com'
    Fawn
    June 25, 2018

    Thank you so much for writing this. Reading it helped work out a few knots left in my brain I was unable to articulate. It is liberating to have understanding and language that expresses and explained in a scientific and professional way my experiences. Thank you.

  • akaasher@yahoo.com'
    George
    July 19, 2018

    Thank you for this article. It really has helped to to feel a bit more sane as I work through the damaged caused to me by my narcissist and understand more about narcissistic behavior. I can see now that all of the things I have been saying for 20+ years and begging to talk about or expressing frustration with have all been the very things that are continually said to a narcissistic partner. Realizing that she never cared about my concerns was a painfully heartbreaking experience. I am now just finding the ground beneath my feet. But what a loss. I have invested my life to my marriage and family. I sacrificed so much because I want a close, loving, safe family and environment. Now, it was all for naught.

    That being said, I have suffered enough under such cruelty and invalidation that I am still trying to process bits of reality. I was constantly accused of doing the very things that my narcissistic wife was actually doing. I knew then (while be accused) and now that it was untrue. However, I would acquiesce in order to have a relationship and find intimacy with this woman I loved. It was the years upon years of narcissistic abuse and being told I was the one living with a false reality and gas-lighting and brainwashing and table-turning, etc. Oddly enough, NONE of that is even in my person-hood. Anyway, as I read through some of the responses and see how several people say, “I have several narcissists in my family and it was impossible to deal with them.” Since narcissists accuse others of being the narcissist how do we actually determine that we aren’t actually the narcissist or one also?

  • Laurabeth13082@gmail.com'
    Lo
    August 1, 2018

    How do you get a judge or lawyer to understand when trying to divorce and seek child custody from an abusive narc? Even if they were ordered to do a mental evaluation, a narc would either 1. Lie to a therapist or 2. Manipulate the therapist. Trying to explain the type of person a narc is to someone who has never dealt with one is frustrating to say the least. It makes me feel like i sound dramatic, petty and childish.

    • kimpossible3x3@gmail.com'
      Kim
      October 23, 2018

      I am in the same situation. It is especially difficult when the abusive person has a lot of money and is very successful in their field. Money and image are powerful tools that an abusive person can use to turn other people (including professionals) against you, especially when you may be suffering physically or emotionally from their abuse.

  • Shelleysweeney@rocketmail.com'
    Shelley Sweeney
    October 27, 2018

    Wow! Thank you for this. Love, Shelley

  • pmclaughlin33@yahoo.com'
    Patrick
    February 27, 2019

    Married September 1977 – current. Not news to anyone here the relief it was to find this blog. I’m not the only one. Enoughs enough. Not amused anymore. Adult children arent either. Seems theres still hope for this 64 year old to find a happy thought again. Devastated.
    Thank you so much for hope.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 27, 2019

      Hi Patrick,

      I’m so pleased you feel hope.

      Sending and wishing healing and breakthrough for you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

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