A narcissist’s smear campaign is fuelled by their desire to punish and devalue you.
They will tell part truths, only their side of the “story,” and even fabricate utter lies, including obscene ones, to make you look like the bad or crazy one.
They may have started saying awful things behind your back before you knew it was happening, or the relationship was in a downward spiral.
And beware, no one is off limits to them – they’ll try to convince even your nearest and dearest that you’re the one with the issues, that your behaviour is off, and even how “sick” you are.
Please know how to defend yourself from this subversive attack.
In today’s video, I will explain exactly what a smear campaign looks like, why narcissists inevitably engage in this sort of attack and most importantly, how to survive it.
There is a way to discredit them so that the people who had turned away from you because of the smear campaign wake up to their lies and come out of their trance. They may even apologize to you after understanding how they were lied to. That’s exactly what happened to me.
Video Transcript
Today, I want to talk to you about the horrific trauma of being smeared by a narcissist, what this looks like, why they do it, how to survive it, and how to bring the truth to the light. Virtually anyone connected to a narcissist has gone through horrible smear campaigns, meaning the narcissist is telling other people terrible things about you.
They could be part truths, ranging from one side of the story all the way up to complete and utter fabricated lies, even obscene ones.
Why Narcissists Smear
Let’s start off with why do narcissists smear? Narcissists smear the people close to them behind their backs, and they start doing it before too long. This happens once the glory days of you being idolized and put on a pedestal are over, and the narcissist begins to devalue you, which is what narcissists do because you’re either wonderful or terrible, and there’s not much in between.
Once the wonderful days are completely over and the terrible bits come in, that’s when it’s going to start. So as soon as you’ve got to those hot and cold stages with a narcissist, you can bet they’ve already started telling people awful things about you.
Why do they do this?
It grants narcissists, via others, the feedback that helps them disconnect from their own dysfunctions and the need to look at or take responsibility for their behaviour. By getting other people on their side with them, they get the vindication that things aren’t their fault or their issues and that you are, in fact, the problem.
It also grants them a narcissistic supply, meaning attention and energy from other people who feel sorry for them as to what they must endure due to being in a relationship with somebody as horrible as you.
You might start to sense that other people have started pulling away from you or their energy has been different around you. And even that, they’re starting to take the narcissist’s side. You are trying to explain things, and they’re looking at you like you’ve got two heads. This can be extremely painful when it’s your family, friends, or colleagues.
How Narcissists Infiltrate People Close To You
Narcissists are very good at infiltrating people close to you. This smearing might not just be to their own people and family. Horrifyingly, it can be to your own – your nearest and dearest, even your children.
They’re very, very clever about it. When talking about you to other people, they appear to be kind and as if they’re concerned for you. They want to get help and advice from these people by telling them about your issues, addictions, behaviour, and how sick you are.
There may be shades of truth or none at all. Let’s say, for example, that at some stage you’ve sent the narcissist a distraught, angry, or unhinged message – of course, you have because you’re being severely traumatized – then the narcissist will unashamedly use that as evidence. They’ll keep the letter. They’ll show it to people close to you as proof of your instability. It’s such a betrayal. The fact that their behaviour drove you over the edge in the first place, of course, is conveniently not explained to these people.
Narcissists can look people straight in the eyes and lie without flinching. They are consummate actors. They’re acting so kind and caring and concerned. Still, it is just about fulfilling the agenda of discrediting you, gaining allies, and creating the illusion to others and themselves that they are the holier than thou person. They’re the good person, and you are the evil, terrible, or sick person with all the problems. Of course, the stuff they’re accusing you of is usually what they actually do to you.
Smearing At The End Of The Relationship
Let’s have a look at smearing at the end of the relationship. While the relationship breaks down towards the end, you may still be in the on-and-off stages. It’s a cycle of idolizing, devaluing, and discarding. They’re all a part of a relationship with a narcissist, even if you haven’t physically separated. You have arguments, break up or pull away from each other, and get back together, and it keeps happening repeatedly.
At the times of the blow-up, the narcissist hates you, then when you reconnect, they can be delightful for a time before tension builds and there’s another blow-up. Be aware of these cycles. Even if there are good times, the narcissist has been discrediting you behind your back, and they will continue to do so.
When you reach the end of the relationship, whether you leave or the narcissist has discarded you, expect the smearing to go up a notch. They’re actually going to start punishing you ferociously.
Once the narcissist believes or knows it’s over, his or her discard of you is brutal and cruel. Now he or she has decided that you are bad. Capital B-A-D. You’re wrong, and you must be punished. This is when the narcissist will do things like set authority on you. They’re going to try to get the legal system turned against you. They could go after the property and the kids and try to completely discredit and annihilate you in that way. They may seek to destroy your job or important relationships or even get you kicked out of your home because they don’t care if you end up destitute and in the gutter.
It is the ultimate vindication for the narcissist to strip you of your life – proving that they were right, you were wrong, and it all turned out that they were the good person, you were the bad person, and it ended up for you as it should for bad people.
Horrifically for many of you, even your children are turned against you in the most shocking ways due to as a result of the narcissist smearing. My heart goes out to you for the people, all of you, if you’ve endured this, if you’re not yet healed from these disgraceful discards and smearing, and also for the people presently going through this.
How I Stopped The Smearing
I’ve been through it too significantly. It nearly killed me. That’s why I feel beyond qualified to help you come out of this just as I did. So I want to share with you what happened to me in the smearing and how I stopped the smearing.
Like many of us, I initially tried to fight back. I tried to educate people about the truth, yet no matter how hard I tried with friends, family, colleagues, and authorities to expose the truth about him and what he was doing, all that happened was I looked crazier and more unbelievable, and people sided even more with him.
Because, you see, he was cool, collected, and incredibly skilled at this. It is like a happy playground for narcissists to lie and smear. They’re really comfortable with it. Whereas I represented a completely traumatized lunatic woman, which was what I had become. Nothing about this is fair. Let me really validate this for you because it’s not fair. But I want you to know, there is another way through this, and it’s a way that, thank goodness, I totally realized and applied to stop this from happening to me and expose the truth.
It started by going within. Let me explain why that was so necessary. While I was in the terrible traumas and the triggers of what he was doing, I was showing up in ways because I was so triggered and traumatized that it only added to the trauma I was experiencing. Everything got worse. Yet when I realized that this was a spiritual war I was in, it was literally a battle for my Soul. I finally, finally, knew what I had to do.
I stopped doing what wasn’t working, which is the definition of insanity, to keep trying to do the same thing to get a different result. It wasn’t working. So I stopped that. Instead, I turned inside to meet and address and heal the parts of me being triggered by all of this – the panic and the distress I had.
And inside, I found persecution programs, literal terrors about what other people thought of me – terrors of feeling so unsafe if people believed shocking things about me. I also had incredible anger with the injustice – it was nearly tearing me to pieces, as well as the trauma of losing people that I thought were really loyal to me and that I could never lose.
So I worked on my Inner Being with Quanta Freedom Healing was work on my Inner Being, especially modules four and five work in NARP, the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, to release these same traumas tearing me apart. Once I released them and brought in Source to replace them, which is what NARP does, I started getting relief, space, and calm inside of me where all the churning triggers, panic, and obsessional thoughts once were.
Then what arose within me was this anchored solidly, knowing what other people think of me is not important. It’s important what I think of me. Then I could just be with myself with the organic, true self-knowing: the people who do know who I am will be in my life, and those who don’t won’t. I didn’t feel like I had anything to explain or prove anymore. I could just be and focus on my own healing and recovery from him and the building of my new life.
The minions still sent nasty messages, but they no longer triggered me. I didn’t respond. I just blocked them and ignored them. I started getting out with my community and into my community, not even worried about bumping into certain people. I was breathing, and I began to enjoy life again, and I just wanted the healing and the being of me. I wasn’t thinking about what other people thought anymore or what rumors were being spread.
I only had very few people in my life that were left, but the people who had turned away started coming back into my life. A lot of them had woken up to his lies. They’d come out of the trance. They apologized to me. Other new people who had the capacity and desire to be truthful and real came into my life. The police got in touch with me, telling me that he’d been caught out and they knew what he’d been up to. Everything started to shift in my favour. Major players in my life, an ex-best friend, and my accountant got shafted by him. He turned on them, and they saw through into who he really was.
Your Inside-Out Defence Against Smearing
So why does the inside-out defense against smearing work? What’s the truth of all of this?
In my case, as it is for so many others, my “Doing-ness” to try to change my “Being-ness” of the terrors of persecution hadn’t shifted or fixed anything. I was just getting more of my beingness of terror, no matter what I tried to do. Yet, everything shifted when I purposefully let go of trying to change the outer to change the inner and instead worked deeply on my inner.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this formula work and absolutely work. Quantum Law states that when your inner universe shifts, Quantum Law that when your inner universe shifts, your outer universe must match it. It’s a law as absolute as gravity. This means that the people who can fit your inner newly established true relationship with yourself will move into your life. The people who don’t have the capacity, who aren’t your true peeps, will move out of it.
In Conclusion
If you need to understand this more profound healing on an inner level, please come to please come into my free webinar. The link is with this video. You’ll get to experience a Quanta Freedom Healing for yourself, so you can start to understand how to release your traumas of persecution and move into relief and a solid innerness that will improve every area of your life after narcissistic abuse. Hence, why Thriving is such a beautiful goal to go for.
Those working with NARP, the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, will find modules four, five, and eight helpful in releasing your persecution programs. If you still need to look into NARP, the link is with this video, and I’d love you to start feeling what NARP could do for you.
Here’s the thing about healing deeply at an inner level. I’m not exaggerating when I say within weeks, months, but certainly not longer, and sometimes only weeks, the entire problem of these smear campaigns in your life could be done and dusted. When you get that shift on the inside, the results will reflect those inner shifts very quickly.
I hope that this has given you hope because smearing is disgusting. It’s so horrible. But you are more powerful than you know when you shift on the inside. Please remember to like and share this video if you know it can help others.
I know of 3 that the narc did a smear: one of whom had enough respect for me to call me and hear me out, and with their validation I knew I “won” on that one; the other never called but felt compelled to offer to be the mediator, while sending me scripture verses!!!!. And a friend – who has seen the narc do their number and knew from their own experience that what they’d been told was not quite right. Who knows if there have been others, probably. Given the personality and their need to maintain their image. But I am free and regaining my peace….
So thankful to find you. I’m 69 years old and I’ve been married almost 38 years. I always knew there was something wrong in our marriage. I blamed it on different things and then I ran out of excuses. I confided in my daughter that it was something I just couldn’t put my finger on. But a couple of weeks after we were married l couldn’t do anything to please him. Not in the kitchen or the bedroom. When we went out I was always the butt of his jokes. I’ve left more than once;but, he had me convinced he would do better. It took me until about 4 years ago to hear the term narcissist. It described my husband completely. But now he has me totally dependent on him. I have pretty much everything I want. Everything except freedom, friends, love and a family that enjoys coming to visit. I’m a prisoner in my own home.
Dear Nona, I’m 51, abandoned as an infant and raised in a narc family, and I can tell you – it is NEVER too late. Just do NARP and join Mel’s community – there you’ll get everything : friends, family and love… and as for freedom – why not choose it for yourself? … And then, too, you have god/dess, angels, archangels, the ascended masters – all you need to do is ask for their help and support… But the work, walking your path to freedom, you must do it yourself. Who else? 🙂 … (Believe it or not, your narc husband doesn’t rule the universe. He is equally dependent on you.)
We are all on our own journey thru life and we choose who we share it with. I’m learning to love myself again thru this mess. Laugh for the day…I thought a narcissist was a flower. Seriously, I love flowers, but it was quite the revelation.
I could have written your comment exactly…..except I’m 65 and have been married 46 years. Always the butt of his jokes (he’s just kidding), never good enough, hates my family. We have a business together so I can’t just walk away. I’m like you….have everything except freedom, friends, love and a family that can come visit me…..I, too am a prisoner in this relationship. I am working on making some changes however…..one of these days!
Thank you. This is my biggest hurdle. I am towards the final healing but wow how could they believe him? How does he get away with it? I have watched this video a few times before and now…it brings peace even more. I am watching your course. I did not want to. Bit I am forcing myself and when I am done, I know how much better I will feel and not go back to ruminating. It took a long time.
Hi Becca,
Sending you the strength to get through this!
When you say you are “watching” my Course.
Are you actively doing the NARP healings http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp ?
The healings in Module 4 and 5 are extremely powerful to heal from the smearing, to break free and reverse all of this.
I hope that this helps
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I am 71 yrs old, married 52 yrs, separated since April! It has been he’ll! I really didn’t think it could be worse after the separation but it IS! The smearing is on and has been for quite a while! I have lost my daughter’s, granddaughters, brother, friends, neighbors etc. I’ve been telling myself to “man up” and get over it! You’re right, the trauma is horrendous! I want to start healing with your help! ❤
Denise, I am just discovering that I have been married to a narcissist for the past 18.5 years. I most likely have to get away from him at some point. I’, 71 years old as well. I would like to stay in touch with you because of our ages, and our circumstances. My husband is not only an alcoholic but a compulsive liar, sex addict as well as a narcissist. What a package right? I love in Omaha, NE where are you located?
Hi Denise,
please know there are many beuatiful years ahead of you and so deserve this emotional freedom, and your True Self and True Life.
There have been many amazing Thrivers in our community who have started their journey in their 80’s!
We would love to help support you with this. Becoming a NARP member, http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp ,and joining our wonderful community http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp is the most powerful, direct solution.
I hope that this helps and much love to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Powerful Piece . So enlightening
It’s not important what other people think of me, it’s important what I think of me.!
With going to mediation it is important for me to do Modules 4, 5 & 8 again.
Thank You Mel!
🙂
Kondwani
You have got this Kondwani!
We are with you all the way!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
It took me awhile to get it but Thanks to melanie it started to un ravel. And I am only &( yrs old wow #rd Marriage . getting more sane daily.
Hi Patricia,
you are an inspiration!
Well done!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you, Mel! Indeed, they can really make you look “crazy”. And “paranoid”. People I forged relationships with for nearly 20 years made their choice. It’s the mixing of truth with lies that lends the liar credibility because it’s the “truth” the monkey in the middle will brush over and ask you to elaborate on. (You’re giving them the truth meanwhile they are stringing the pearls with the lies they were told.) Compound that with the monkey in the middle’s cognitive dissonance about the person in question (“They would never! I can’t believe that! I’ve known them for XX! What b.s.!”) and we survivors/thrivers don’t stand a chance. As lonely and defeated as I felt after I left, in hind sight I can see how some of those “friends” were draining on me (so better off). Plus, I’ve come to the conclusion that the estranged friends and/or “family” in question are nothing but a portal to the past. i.e., All we have in common is the narc. So their very presence in my life would just be a means to continuously “till” what is better left processed and decomposed in my compost pile of life, haha! The most difficult part about relationship estrangement is between family (esp. kids). But even kids learn in time how quickly they can be thrown under the bus and/or gaslighted or manipulated, all in the name of self-preservation! Especially when the police get involved because of, i.e., criminal harassment! This is something my daughter has very recently discovered about her father. Time has a way of revealing what needs to be seen. Sometimes it takes years. I had to keep telling myself, it took me years so give them however much time and space is needed. Eventually, the universe will show them, too.
Hi Nicole,
I am glad this helped.
I promise you the more you heal on the inside, the faster it shifts.
Things can and do move spectacularly from “so within, so without” (Quantum Law).
It is the true matter of things!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Wow—your words of wisdom and experiential strength are going to continue helping. Thank you, Melanie Evans. May God keep blessing your wisdom and your beautiful personality. Ameen
Thank you Kausam,
and love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Melanie this video is the perfect thing I needed to hear today. I had one of the worst smear campaigns placed on me by my narcissist. And yes! It affected many areas of my life, my family & friends as well as my career. I wish I would of known then not to get so angry with their lies and deceit, but I didn’t know what I am learning now. I didn’t know how they operated and I didn’t see how I was playing into their hands. I am laughing a little bit, cuz the crazed person that they provoke you to become is so true!! Now as I am turning inwards, and I am more and more, just checking in on myself and how I am feeling, all the drama is dying down. However I am having to piece back together my life. I feel as if I am picking up my life in the ashes and rubble of what is left. Some of my supports are coming back into my life but I am hesitant and still learning to trust. But I am trusting myself for sure, more and more every day. I believe I will find my peeps when all is said and done.
Hi Molly,
I’m really pleased that this has helped.
You are doing great.
Much Love to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Beautiful Excellent videos have experience it all.
It is not just what others think but the damage they do. My wife was a narcisist and when she met another guy(that I did not know about) she went into overdrive, Behind my back went to a solicitor and started to organise getting our house. When I found out she then accused me of paedophilia and sexual abuse. Also got police coming to see me say my name had been forward for sex crimes. It was horrendous, lost my home kids, money everything – on the back foot as the police and employer have to treat you as guilty or suspicious first. it was all a terrible nightmare and it does matter as it impacts your employment, what is in the local papers etc. I was found guilt of precisely nothing but the stench created meant I lost everything. Yesterday i was talking with a friend in a cafe, two of his friends joined us. All four of us had experienced some form of this, all when our partners had ended relationships and we stood up to their expectation of control access to kids, our homes and finances. It seems endemic
I really enjoy your videos and it’s obvious to me you understand and have experienced narcissistic abuse. I have healed and gained knowledge and strength after leaving my narcissistic husband several years ago. I was just starting to live my authentic life. When my sister and brother brought a lawsuit against me. I was the Trustee of my Mother’s Estate. I cared for my Mother in my home after she had a brain tumor and was bedridden. After my Mother passed away, my sister and brother filed in court to have me removed as Trustee after lying about me not selling my Mom’s house 6 months after her death pursuant to probate requirements. My sister was appointed Trustee and she and my brother took money and expensive jewelry items that were left to me by my Mother. Two years of constant legal assaults and smear campaign to family and friends nearly broke me. I am now almost back to thriving again. I don’t care what anyone thinks about me because I know my truth and reality. I don’t have anything to do with my siblings and I feel so much relief not having to deal with their drama anymore. I don’t expect an apology from them or for them to change who they are. My question to you is what would happen if I turned the tables on them? I have documentation showing how they lied, stole and tried would give me my share of the inheritance. My sister recently told a family member who defended me when she tried her smear campaign, “You only heard one side of the story.” So I’m thinking of sending family and friends the documentation, emails and text messages in my sister and brothers own words so their side of the story can be told. I would not be doing this to convince family and friends who believed the smear campaign. I just want to expose siblings without their covert masks. Narcissists hate to be exposed for what they really are. This would cause my sister to really lose it. And yes that would give me great pleasure. I have no fear of them legally or otherwise since our legal battle has ended and I can’t be sued for telling the truth.
yes, calmly expose them valerie. what do you have to lose?? nothing. may god bless you! ✨
I’ve been a victim of this my whole life. It used to bother me…but at the end of the day, I know who I am.
I know the truth of who I am. Over the years, there have been attempts to call me crazy, to discredit me, to portray me as a person who deserves to be hurt.
Some of the perpetrators are within my family, while others have been strangers.
I’ve learned to stand tall and be brave despite their lies. Their perception of me is not reality. What they have told others about me says more about them.
Their attempts to destroy me have failed. I may be broken, but I’m still here and I continue to push forward. The key to healing from this (in my opinion) is self-care and knowing who you are.
No one can define you when you discover who you really are.
It takes years to undo this damage, but it can happen with intensive work.
I’m a work in progress…I encourage you all to keep fighting for yourselves, too. You are worth it!
The narcissist smearing me is my mom. She had my kids taken and now she has them. She’s convinced everyone I’m mentally unstable and a liar. She has the caseworker believing I’m a bad person. She has my whole family against me. I’m completely isolated and losing hope fast.
I’m confused. I thought I’d healed within but now facing serious fabricated / lies / smearing agsin. You have to defend the truth surely? Otherwise I can lose my child. Please help, advise? Still trying to find Barrister..
Please remember this is my story. Do not follow her/his story. I am powerful as are we all. When we get in touch with our spiritual self, we know that they can do nothing to us. Most of this world is legal fiction, legislation, police aka policy officers, the courts, social services, schools, banks, governments, science, religion, te lie vision, be lie fs, countries etc. They try to make us legal fiction via the birth certificate with which they create a corporation. When you know yourself you know the truth. Natural law is only real.
Spirituality is key which is hard when you are going through it. I started my spiritual journey before he tried to smear me. Tried being the word. I have no part to play in his story. If anyone is reading this and going through this. Do not try and defend yourself. Ignore it all and focus on your own story. They all go away. Focus on spirituality and healing. I am real. My story is real. My story wins. Your story wins. I am strong. I am powerful. I am love. Loves and hugs to everyone.