Sooo many people have wondered why narcissists lie so much!
It is gut-wrenching to be with someone who pathologically lies.
About small things, big things and things that they don’t even need to lie about.
Does a narcissist know they are doing it?
Do they intend to do it?
Why do they do it even when it is not necessary to do it?
What would it take for them to stop doing it?
There is an old expression that goes around abuse communities – ‘If a narcissist’s lips are moving, they are lying.’
It’s not always true – but sadly often it is.
Today’s article answers the question ‘WHY do narcissists lie so much?’ – and how you can detect it and start to live a life where truth, honesty, and safety are your constants.
Before we get into this information today, I’d like to thank all of you who have supported the Thriver Mission by subscribing to my blog, and if you haven’t yet done so, please do. Also, if you like this article make sure you give it a like and share it with others.
OK on to today’s article.
What Constitutes A Lie?
I just want to start off by getting very clear about what is or isn’t a lie.
We all know there are times that we are not 100% truthful to people. We don’t lie as much as narcissists do, but maybe at times, we do lie a little. We may tell someone that their outfit looks lovely when we really think they shouldn’t be wearing it. We could tell people what they want to hear to keep the peace, or we may even lie by omission and simply leave out facts that we don’t want people to know about.
I personally believe, as we evolve into an authentic True Self, that we do become more honest. Meaning we become more willing to say the truth to people to help give them genuine feedback, that possibly another outfit (in our opinion) many be more suitable, or we will reflect back to them their blind spots in perceptions or behaviours to help them heal and grow.
Often ‘not telling the truth’ is something we think we are doing to not hurt someone else’s feelings, but usually, if we are brutally honest with ourselves (which is what Thriving is all about – leaving our self-delusions behind) we know that really we are ‘lying’ to try to avoid having uncomfortable confrontations with others – and risk being criticised, rejected, abandoned or punished by them.
When we start healing and thriving healthily, we know that honesty and integrity really do serve ourselves and everyone else in the highest ways, because if you love and care for someone you are going to have an authentic relationship with them. After all, in virtually every case, the power of truth does set everyone free.
When lies are intended to not just ‘spare confrontation’ but are used to cover up pathological behaviour, then they are even more horribly impactful. Things that the other person would not be thrilled about – such as cheating, embezzling, smearing and manoeuvring things for one’s own self-serving benefits – are all the types of lies that narcissists are famous for.
And … discovering the ‘love’ that you thought you were sharing with a narcissist was a lie – is beyond devastating.
Lies severely damage relationships – period.
They destroy communion, connection, and trust. After knowing you have been lied to, how do you know what is real or what isn’t? Many of us even discovered after being lied to and catching out lies, that we became paranoid, that we started stalking, checking up and reading and looking into things we normally would not have.
It’s a shocking way to live.
Yet even if lies are NOT big things – and it is mere embellishments that are found out – this is also very disturbing and causes a lack of trust, respect, and connection.
Narcissists exaggerate. They insert their own delusional version of things. Generally, things that make them more significant, dramatic and noticed. And these things often bear little resemblance to facts – it is their fictitious rendition of how they would have liked something to be, or what is necessary for them to get attention (narcissistic supply) from people.
Let’s look at WHY they lie as easily as taking their next breath.
A False Self’s Life
When a person submerges their True Self, believing they can’t get their needs met by being this person, the only option is to recreate themselves as someone else.
This ‘someone else’ is a False Self, a fictitious character who is being a person and living a life that isn’t the truth.
This is the number one reason why narcissists lie so much.
Because of stepping outside of this integrity and authenticity, one’s self and life becomes distorted. The default brain wiring is on ‘stories’, ‘make-believe’ and ‘delusional excuses’.
Many times, a narcissist doesn’t know that they are lying, because their reality is so far off-tap that they don’t know what is real or not anymore.
Narcissists embellish stories. They exaggerate. They lie about themselves being more unique, better, more dramatic, accomplished, interesting and the like. They do this to get attention, favours, trust, and empathy – all valued aspects of narcissistic supply and positioning for gain.
Sometimes they lie to protect themselves from narcissistic injury – truths that the ego simply can’t handle. Things like, ‘It was my decision to leave the relationship’ after someone else dumped them, or they walked away from their job after being replaced … or whatever it may be.
At these times, because the truth is too much of a threat to the damaged insecure self-image, the narcissist has adopted the lie as a necessary buffer.
Another example of when the narcissist believes their own lies is when he or she projects onto you – these are the times when a narcissist blames you for everything that he or she does and sounds so convinced that it is you doing these things. The reason is because the narcissist thoroughly believes it is you doing these things.
There are reasons for this.
The narcissist’s severely disowned inner self which is beyond reproach – never wrong and never to be held accountable – the inner core that the narcissist is actually disgusted with, is projected outwards onto someone else. This disowned damaged part is then externalised and the narcissist beats it up mercilessly through you.
The truth of the matter is this – living in unconsciousness brings delusions – the greatest being the constant lying to oneself and being stuck in unconsciousness as a result.
When the Narcissist Does Know He Or She is Lying
A narcissist lies so much because in reality he or she is a drug addict.
The drug of choice is the constant unstoppable need for narcissistic supply – attention, acclaim, energy and stuff that feeds the False Self and keeps a narcissist from falling into the all-consuming black hole inside themselves of defectiveness and nothingness that is always threatening to eat them alive.
Like any addict who needs their drug, lots of lying is involved. A narcissist can’t tell people their TRUE motives, they have to create fabrications to get what they really want.
Like telling someone they are their newly found soul mate and the love of their life – simply to get a hit of sex.
Like telling someone that they have all this experience and qualifications, that aren’t real, to get involved in something that will benefit them.
Like stating ‘I care about you and what can I do for you?’ when this is really about getting the ego feed of you telling them how wonderful they are.
Or … sidling up to people with compliments and granting attention to promote one’s own advancement.
These are the things that a narcissist is having to work at every day – it is the only way to regulate enough constant narcissistic supply.
The narcissist is deeply aware of his or her defence mechanisms and beliefs of ‘having to have the upper hand’ and ‘me versus you’ in order to survive. Because the narcissist knows he or she thinks and behaves like this, they believe everyone else also does this.
The narcissist doesn’t trust anyone.
At the times when the narcissist does know they are lying, and constructs the fabrication, there is always the perfect excuse constructed to do this. The narcissist deems themselves deserving of lying because of what has been done to him or her, or whatever they believe their entitlement may be.
They also imagine that if they don’t get in first, that you will. They believe that you are out to get them.
The truth is narcissists don’t think there is anything wrong with lying – it’s just a way of life. They don’t feel bad about it or guilty – rather they are just terrified of being caught out for REAL, which is people discovering the crippled inner defective self that is hiding beneath the fictitious omnipotent False Self.
How To Protect Yourself From Narcissistic Lies
There is only one way to make ourselves no longer susceptible to narcissistic people and how and why the narcissist lies so much.
I’m going to be really straight with you about this – as I had to be with myself – STOP … lying … to … yourself.
This is what I mean by this.
Stop being with someone who has shown their hand at being a pathological liar (not to mention all the malicious things that narcissists do) because I promise you real and healthy people just don’t do this.
Stop ignoring the terrible feelings in your body that allow you to know you are trauma bonded, you know this person is not healthy for you, is severely damaging you, and yet you are trying to find justifications and excuses to find a way to make it work with them.
You know how it goes, we all did when we ignored the screams of our Inner Being and continued regardless. We paid a shockingly, hefty price.
I promise you that when you listen to, and start to honour, support and align with the truth of your Inner Being, all of life and the healthy supportive resources of life will do so with you too.
It’s Quantum Law – so within so without.
I know it is the hardest thing to do initially – to face the truth.
But we know, deep in our core, in our true selves that this person is not real, doesn’t have the capacity to be safe and is destroying us.
And the reason we do hang on is because we don’t know yet that we can be REAL for ourselves – we can be True Selves, generating truth, safety, power, honesty, and decency with other people.
We can BE authentic and have our needs met.
We CAN come out of the trance of hiding and dimming down, handing our True Selves away trying to get others to be REAL for us.
I know it is easier said than done, and that is exactly why I created a step-by-step healing process that not only allows you to go free, but fully supports you to lose your trauma, reignite your True Self and start navigating and creating your life from that place – which is what True Thriving is about.
You can access the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Course, known as NARP, by clicking on this hyperlink.
So, I hope that this article has helped you a lot, and if you enjoy my blog please make sure to subscribe to my free newsletter below so you will be notified as soon as each new one is released.
Also please make sure you share this with somebody who you know is being lied to.
And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and your questions below.
While I was not in a relationship with a narcissistic person, my partner’s ex is clearly narcissistic, and children are involved. While we wish to have a relationship and connection with the children, we are subjected to lies of every sort and of the worst sort, in an attempt to frame us in the eyes of the courts and professionals working with our family, and even with the children of the marriage. Trust me, I don’t have any delusions about a relationship with the children’s narcissistic parent. I simply want my life back AND the ability for my partner and me to connect with the children. The lies are incredible. I would say in every communication about the parenting schedule, health care, activities, and other topics related to shared parenting — in every communication — there are usually at least a half dozen lies, some more subtle than others. At times, especially when false accusations are on the line, we have spent time setting every lie straight with proof, which takes substantial time to gather the information to prove the lie. I’ve learned this person cannot ask for anything the way a normal person would; instead, an “ask” has to be framed as several accusations that put you on the defensive and make it seem that the only positive course of action would be whatever the person wants. I’ve learned to look for a request in a field of lies and accusations about what the other parent is wanting and trying to request. I wish there was advice on how to handle this kind of lying that takes countless hours to set the record straight to protect our reputations and the truth about events involving the children and our ability to be good parents for these kids.
Hi Jesse,
I am so sorry you are going through this.
I suggest looking up mine and others resources on Parallel Parenting. That is the most up.to date and te revolutionary way to coparent with narcisstis.
There are people in this community effectively achieving it, and I want you to know it is possible.
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💛💕
Makes me think something is seriously wrong with me because the last 3 people I got involved with were narcissistic. So skeptical to allow to anyone else to get close to me again. I cant believe anything anyone says.
I understand having the feeling that something is wrong with you. Be careful of that. Yes, there are reasons why we are attracted to these people and I have had to work on that for the past two years. I understand myself now and have healed my wounds from childhood. However, I know I can never have another relationship again. The fear it causes me even to think about it, is enough. Especailly when I am not yet rid of the narc who did this to me. It is tragic because I am worthy of love and I have a lot of love to give. But I just cannot trust ever again.
But don’t ever blame yourself.
We didn’t do this to ourselves.
Hi Reesy,
This following resource of mine may help you https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/am-i-the-narcissist/
I hope It can.
Much love
Mel 🙏💛💕
Reesey, it’s not you fault. Narcs prey of individuals like you. I’ve been involved in three narcissistic relationships in my past, but that was before I got the knowledge of who these people are. When I became aware, it was my responsibility to weed those people out of my life. It seems to me you don’t have enough enough knowledge about who these people are. Please do more research and saturate your mind with knowledge. Once you have the truth of what you’re dealing with you’ll not only dump the narc, you’ll be vigilant as you move forward in life. My prayers are with you 🙏🏾 Coach Stacey
Dear Reesey
I am in the same boat as you. I keep attracting narcissists. This last time I figured him out quicker than the others and ended it the moment I realized he too was a narcissist. Yes I protected myself quickly but it doesn’t make me feel any better than I did with previous experiences.
Just heart wrenching that all I attract in life are narcissists! Like you, I cannot believe anyone anymore.
My situation, which is still ongoing nearly three years after leaving the narc, has involved domestic violence, legal counsel, courts and mental health professionals, and has me almost destroyed. I thought I had survived. But the lies continue and so does the stalking, threats and harrasment as well as attempts to hoover me back. He has taken everything.
He kills animals, including my cat.
He hit me.
He tried to poison me.
He gave me an STD.
He lies constantly.
The worst part of the lying, has been the smear campaign against me which seems to not have an end. And the absoulte worst part of his lying – I am finding myself constantly in a position of having to prove myself and my story. This is the most debilitating and soul shattering part of a soul shattering relationship, that I am questioned and not believed. The fact that there are so many others out in the world, including his flying monkeys, that choose to believe him and participate in these lies and then for me to have to constantly prove myself to be telling the truth and not be insane, is exhausting. I have nothing left. I spend all my time fighting the lies and trying to keep safe. I spend all my time keeping records, a diary of events, recording phone calls and looking over my shoulder just to prove to everyone I am the victim, not him. I am now contemplating leaving the country, as the only means to escape. I cannot fight the lies, the harm he has done to my reputation, my name and my life. He is extremely clever at hiding, not getting caught and being covert. He is extremely clever at making me look crazy.
No one who has not been through this understands the full extent of what these people are capable of. The law has not helped me. There are too many toxic people in the world who are ready to support him and a society that does not assist the real victims. It will never end.
I am sorry for the dramatic post but it is the truth.
Until people like me speak out, nothing will change.
Until people like me are believed, nothing will change.
I am so sorry that this happened to you. he didn’t kill my cat, but he caused my dog to have severe anxiety and after being looked at by a veterinarian I have discovered that he has been through major blunt force trauma, which he lied about. in retrospect, I knew he was lying because it was such a stupid story, but as “I loved him” I just gave him the benefit of doubt, which I should never have done. If people don’t believe your truth then are they really worth maintaining contact with? I don’t think so. I am extremely lucky that I have a supportive family and friends who know and believe my truth rather than his fabrications.
Hi Jean,
Thank you so much for your comment and support. Yes, you are right that the people that matter to me, believe me and my story, but it is the people who do not that upset me so much. Even being interviewed again recently by police made me feel like I was the crazy one and that he was a vicitm. He has his own version of events and they are completely fabricated. Further, the fact that I have not told most people the complete story out of shame, I have denied myself support that I need desperately. The fact that my story is so shocking, worse than any bad movie, it is hard to be believed. If I told the complete truth, I would be in danger. He would not accept being exposed in this way. This is one of the ways they get away with their crimes. I am truly sorry what happened to your dog, I know the pain of that. We are all guilty of giving them second chances and wanting to believe them and I have had the worst time trying to forgive myself. However, it is not my fault. None of this is my fault. And it is not your fault. I am so glad you have supportive people in your life. You are worthy. All the best to you.
Dear Serena,
I was stalked by my Narc and no one believed me, Even my therapist didn’t understand although she tried to. Apparently, it was all in my mind and one of my sons was so worried about me, he as much as told me so. I almost believed it cos it’s so much easier to think it’s you and not some monster you can’t do anything about! After 12 months, I left and moved counties cos the escalation made me see I had to do something dramatic to have any chance to save myself. I told not a soul. Of course I lost everything but not much point in having stuff if you’re dead is there! I had been spending my time and energy and money defending myself in my home against things he’d already done and didn’t repeat, I was always a step or 2 behind, and just waiting to see what he’d do next! What a way to live. I wanted to do all sorts to ‘prove’ myself but one piece of advice I read somewhere ages ago was the best thing is to say and do nothing at all. Not even a look. Then true people (probably not the flying monkeys but they don’t matter) will see the truth because of the victims stance. An innocent person does not have to prove anything. Expect that takes a very long time though- like Karma. Remember that the Narc is exceptional at what he does and you and I never will be so the rules are not the same. I chose to stay closer than another country cos my grown children are where I used to live. Perhaps not the best choice but I’m sure you know now that decision making is almost impossible. All you have are your true and honest instincts. You have to be very honest with yourself to abandon what you know cos it’s very hard.
He may well find me but at least I’m a couple of hours drive away now in a place and house he doesn’t know like the back of his hand.
Your instincts are right to leave. I have since learned that if you are stalked by an ex partner who was abusive, the chances of being murdered by them is then 50%. Don’t wait to find out if you’re in that 50%. Even if you’re not, at what point do you know this and the life you’re trying to save is an unbearable situation to live with. I’m afraid it is unsalvageable because the Narc has ruined it. This is what they do.
What you describe is more than your partner having just NPD. I am pretty sure that you are with a Psychopath or Sociopath (ASPD) I have been a researcher on NPD for 10 years. I have been involved with 3 male NPD’s. I have a book to write.
I was married to a narcissist sociopath, unknowingly, back when I was 20 years old. He had aliases, he stole money, he cheated often, he pathologically lied, he wouldn’t work, he forged my name on a car loan, then he forged my name on a government check that was made out to me. He is now serving 350 years in jail.
Psychopaths are more prone to killing animals. Narcissists are not known to kill animals.
I am sorry for what you have been through. Life is never quite the same after you have first hand experience with a preditor!!
Completely understand this! You have to remove the “this bothers me” part, as that’s expected by them and I seriously think this is how they get their kicks! Frustrating on an unimaginable level is the fact that you know the truth, it’s the obvious truth yet everyone including the demon believes it. It’s like your in a vacuum glass box banging and screaming but nobody’s listening and to be perfectly honest it’s sanity questioning.
I’ll never absolutely fucking ever go back with one of these fractured souls as I won’t be wasting my time questioning or justifying myself to anyone.
Please brush it off and get to a new place of just being yourself. One thing a narcissist doesn’t have is not giving a flying f what others think of you.
You don’t have to lie to hide yourself
This trait I found the most pathetic
Keep you chin up, there is always something to be grateful for. Focus on you and your life and detox from the narc. In time you’ll shine!
You are absolutely correct! My narc was a doctor, while he didn’t kill animals, he was so cold in assisting people who were dying and horrible to the families who lost their loved one. He gave me HPV which my body took 2 years to “absorb”…pap tests every 6 months until they were normal. He denied giving it to me. The lies were constant and always made me question myself. He would say “don’t make me get mad at you”. What does that mean? I could never figure that out. I am recovering from his abuse. It’s so sick what I see him doing with his current woman.
Dear Serena,
My heart goes out to you, you have gone through and are still going through a horrific ideal.
Serena hun I want you to know from the bottom of my heart… I was also terrorised.
My life was harassed, stalked, my business stolen from and disabled. He broke in, poisoned my cat, smeared, disabled and destroyed all my support networks.
He told me he would not stop until I was dead.
I also suffered horrendous psychic attack until I broke with a psychotic breakdown that was deemed unhealable.
I know what you are feeling and saying.
Serena it didnt stop until I went inside and found and released and reprogrammed with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp not just childhood wounds but specifically past life and generational persecution and even annihilation wounds. These were huge primal.survival programs wedged in my DNA my entire life.
In every situation that I have encountered with people like you and I… that is what is really going on here.
I promise you there are people at your level recovering and recovered in this community.
If you wish to know more and need more we are here for you, and also please know I completely respect your choices and your journey dear lady wherever you wish it to be.
I just want you to know there is hope.
Sending you all my love.
Mel 🙏💛💕
Hi Melanie,
I know the truth of what you say. Just recently I became consciously aware of a previously unconscious belief “I’m not wanted”. This was then followed half a week later in a deep mediation with experiencing a past life memory. I won’t go into deep detail but I was a baby in the womb, and very much in my body, already spiritually connected to my mother and I had my life ended. In that life the mother was the mother I have in this life. The belief “I’m not wanted” became ‘stuck’ or better put ‘trauma bonded’ to me. I can see now how this unconscious belief has vibrationally affected every person around me my whole life (Only a few select people seemed to be vibrationally immune, like my dad). I have manifested being unwanted by my siblings, the other children at school (bullied), the struggle to get a job whenever I have been seeking one. The ways this inner belief have manifested around me have been countless and in every area of my life. Knowing I was the creator (albeit unconsciously creating) allows me to let go of blaming others for how they have treated me. There is forgiveness instead.
The forgiveness releases me and them and I can move forward and create my new life. Next is to find the (currently unconscious) belief about money (or maybe it’s ‘deservedness’) that is preventing abundance from flowing to me. I am feeling relaxed about this and know that it will unfold and that I do not need to be upset at myself or others that this is something that needs healing. I am instead, feeling curious about what past life trauma event I will discover goes with that belief.
This is like my situation …. but this is my daughter of 56 years old !!!! I am …. just reached
My 80th Birthday …. my Husband and her Daughter 33 years ago …… He died 33 years ago ..,and she have given me hell and Agro …. since 1986…., Please can you help me !!!!! It just goes on and on ……,finding it very hard to deal with he !!!!!’
Mel,
Great article.
Do you have any concrete clues that help you to identify if someone is narcissistic or has anti social personality disorder?
I think a lot of times people, especially empathic people, get caught up in trying to find, help and heal the “inner child” of the narcissist so they can stop lying to themselves and the world, although even psychologists state that this rarely, if ever happens. However it seems that those with ASPD don’t even have that inner wounded child…. there is no one in there and perhaps never was. Of course this brings up questions of spirituality and do these people have souls and so on, but for the purposes of moving on… it seems the person with ASPD might not even have that tiny pilot light. But, it’s so hard to tell… especially with all the LIES… LOL.
I suppose it doesn’t matter. If someone is abusive, they are abusive. If they view everyone as predator or prey, then connecting with their inner vulnerabilities is just not going to happen.
Maybe I just answered my own question. I just think if someone realizes that they are dealing with a “drone” that it would be easier for them to forget about it and move on. Thoughts?
Hi DMJ,
Sweetheart I think you know from my work that I am the wrong person to ask for distinctions regarding ‘them’.
My work and healing success rate with myself and so many beautiful Thrivers in this community is not about working out ‘them’.
That never heals us or brings relief.
What does instead is facing and healing the parts of us that are triggered, susceptible and hooked in to them.
Another narcissistic abuse blogger may help you with the answer to that!
Mel 🙏💛💕
Hi DMJ,
I dislike these questions just as much as Melanie but felt inspired to answer anyway.
*any concrete clues that help you to identify if someone is narcissistic or has anti social personality disorder?
I would say trust your gut feeling/intuition. If something feels “off” or weird since the day one…you should trust that feeling (instinct) because chances are something is off!
* I just think if someone realizes that they are dealing with a “drone” that it would be easier for them to forget about it and move on.
This is the voice of logic speaking…but this isn’t about logic! Even if a person “realizes” that, they just CAN’T “forget it” and “move on”. That’s the crazy paradox here. If it was that easy, NONE of us here wouldn’t have been n abused and we wouldn’t even need this forum!! We can forget it and move on, AFTER we have done the healing work and do not feel drawn to these sick individuals anymore.
Hello Melanie Tania Evans and MTE ASSOCIATES 😁 . Again. The difficulty for children of abusive parenting is more difficult than for the parents. Only thing i can say is turn yourself around with the self invoving lead from mels’ NARP . And have your new found wellness then be a guide for your own children. I am the child of crippling NARCICISTS and sociopaths i’ve been the effect of physical and psychological disablement. Put all you’ve got into allowing yourselves the “DIVORCING” from the crippling addictions you have (‘NARCS’, FOOD, RELIGION, JOBS, POLITICS, SEX, DRUGS, DOCTORS, CLERGY, HIDEAWAYS,WAR-ROOMS,CLOTHES,COMMODITIES, SERVICES,IDEATINGS,PORN, ETCETERA), to give your children what they can follow that is of value. The child will then know what the difference between good and evil is and learn to grow and expand powerfully. Don’t let your children become wishfull thinkers after their lives are in ruins never having lived many lifetimes as a result of simply at best surviving if not only existing. Never knowing anything but misfortune as a result of the SAD conditions of a negative and dark agenda childhood. Good day many happy returns for those that make it into the flourishing state of THRIVING.👼👼👼👼👼😇😇😇😇😇😇😇👼👼👼👼🙈🙉🙊 G’DAY
I was married to a Narc for 28 years that i believed to be a moral person. He was handsome, successful, ambitious and always thought he was smarter, harder working, and better than most everyone else. Even though I did really know that he lied to me, I was in denial myself. How could someone with so many seemingly good qualities be a lair? I actually suspected that he was cheating a few times in our marriage but did not want to accept it. It took me checking his email one morning to learn the real truth. It was very painful! I thought I might die, I could not breath after reading all the love letters he sent to his new victim. The letters were almost word for word that he used with me when we were dating before we got married. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that you really did not mean that much to them and that there are other good people they will seek out to fulfill their needs. Yes and they usually do get good people. However, important to know that I was also “lying to myself”.
Mel,
2 Questions;
Just like Jesse,… I have to spend time responding to his lies on OFW, ordered by my lawyer, because he’s blaming me for the emotional suffering he can see he’s putting the child through. (Can’t love her enough to stop).
He lies so much he won’t even spell her name correctly!
Just like Serena,…. my ex was aided by the judge despite his previously being fined for perjury AND his ex wife had similar allegations of violence. Judge and lying old social worker knew he was lying so why back up an on-the-record liar?
What do THEY get out of it?
If so many of us are going through all of this personally (and with our leaders) will it ever stop becoz I read narcissism is getting worse. Or is this yet another nasty disease – society- has to learn to live with like AIDS or something?
Millie
Hi Millie,
What they get out of it is narcissistic supply. The attention from being able to profoundly affect you.
If you take away that emotional trigger from within you, regardless of what they are doing to you, then the psychic and literal feed to them stops and so does the behaviour. They have to take it elsewhere to get the feed.
At a deeper true Quantum soul level there is nothing more going on here, other than narcissists bringing to life in our experience, our own unhealed unmet inner fears and traumas.
When we turn inwards and heal those, they are released from our experience and we go free from abuse and all our abuse symptoms.
That is the evolution reason in all of this … as Iris do succinctly wrote about in her comment.
Every Thriver and myself, who came out of narcissistic abuse (I was terrorised too including everything stolen smashed and desecrated….and my cat poisoned as well and had a breakdown so severe I was told it was impossible to recover from medically) did this inner work to free ourselves.
Truly if you have had enough then NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp is your answer.
If you haven’t had enough and dont want to find the solution to the horrific pain of this, then of course, and I totally understand, I was once enmeshed in it once like that too.
Then of course … it looks like this is about ‘them’.
Until we wake up and understand the truth and do the inner work to release and reprogram our trauma and painful beliefs.
Cognitive understanding of even our own wounds is not enough. Hence why NARP works.
If you want to understand more about this come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar …. if you are ready to.
Mel 🙏💛💕
Yes. My father was a Covert narc. (And a child molester, I came to understand .) It was very hard to accept that he was not “the hero” I had made him out to be in my mind (with his help). He died a year & a half ago. I had had a bad bike accident when I was a child of 14 & forever had put my Dad on a pedestal after after I’d recovered from that accident. Not till my own 31 yr. old daughter confronted him five years ago about his inappropriately touching of her (& my NOT believing my own daughter at first & for many months) & my READING & LISTENING to many survivors of narc abuse vlogs (like this wonderful site), blogs & books did I finally, FINALLY begin to come around to the truth of my situation & out of my deep denial about my Dad.. I had been in this denial for for so long (my whole life). I just didn’t know any other way. My dad was smart, he was a business owner, a professed Christian. I’m 65 now & am just beginning to be experiencing some real freedom from the debilitating constraints & control that my father the narc I grew up with orchestrated for me. Now I’m realizing how my dad hurt my family in covert, secretive ways for many years (while ‘letting me’ take the “blame” for things that were screwed up. (My Dad ‘never’ took responsibility; he was always “The Good Guy”, “The Hero”. I just didn’t see that he had groomed me & all of us in my family to believe his lies. He was very good at deceiving. I’m just starting to untangle some old ‘beliefs’ from the past that don’t make sense anymore. Thank you Melanie Tonia Evans for your help for all of us who suffer from living with (or having lived with in the past) these strange, predatory people. I found it hard to admit I was a ‘victim’; but now that I know who & what he was, I am in the process of forgiving myself on a daily basis (or at least trying to remember to). Yeah, I hated myself for a long time. Not anymore. I’m working on having compassion for myself, my children & my husband.
Hi Laurie,
Facing this truth would have been so painful for you.
Big hugs dear lady and I applaud your self honesty and courage.
So much love to you and your family.
Mel 🙏💛💕
Thankyou as always Melanie for this helpful article. Looking back over my 27 year marriage I realise now that he told so many lies and continued to do so until no contact a year ago. I really dont know if anything he said was actually true apart from the fact he left because of my illnesses and surgeries. His parting words to me were ,I’ve never said I loved her(ow) but we get on well and shes healthy!!!
He lied about emptying the bank accounts and debts even in court when documents proved otherwise. In fact he would often say to me, dont you lie about anything!!! The problem is though I’m left with high anxiety since he left, thinking shes better than me because he chose her and shes healthy. Hes 60 now yet couldnt cope having a cough or cold yet blamed my illnesses. People say to me move on remember all the awful things hes done to you, yet my brain remembers when he could be so nice and I think why did he single me out to be so cruel to when who hes with now will be treated so well. I did recently contact his first wife as he was divorced when we met and she was so kind and gracious and I discovered he had told me so many lies about her so I assume hes lied about me to this other woman. I also find it hard as I lost my beautiful home because of their actions, they have two salaries coming in and I’m struggling to get by on disability benefits now.
You help so many and we are so grateful. Big hugs,
Carol x
Hi Carol,
My heart goes out to you, and I really want you to know that every time I hear of a woman or man who has been desecrated on so many levels (as I was once too) I just want to say to you ‘I know you can heal!’
Carol please come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to take your relief and healing way beyond what I can offer you in this article.
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💛💕
Dearest Melanie,
About false self, lying and relationship. I’d like to ask, did you discover not matching phenomena and lies shining thru experience also with codependent people?
When it’s gone so far, that even they don’t see thru their own false self, extreme codependents (as we don’t until we start to heal ourselves). I’ve been in a situation, where I wasn’t sure if I was dealing with a person N tendencies or if the person was extreme codependent “finding security”. This person was searching a way to please me, hook me, I’d say molding himself into my personality/”hook places”. But wasn’t really bonding to my healthy part in normal way.
This confuses me, that are the (extreme) codependents also in different level and way doing the same kind of lying (but really not in N-level, just for typical codependent way of controlling somebody)? Or were those just narcs trying to find blood and wounds… 😀
I’ve met this kind of people, and I find nothing in common with them, coz they don’t offer me their true selves, but they keep on smelling how to “bond” with me. I’ve seen this with both, narcs and codependents.
So about lying, have you discovered codependents doing the same, who grew up in very unstable environment?
For me, I’m working with Narp and Emp.Self, so in away I don’t care, just wanna live my life without drama, false self matching to others false selves. But this phenomena is very interesting!!!
(Sorry, this’ maybe more belonging under “No Longer Matching”)
Kindly,
S
Adding something…. Just came up, this latest person’s just showing more of passive aggressive behaviour and the lies are piling up. 😀 Well, this case’s clear. Oh what a joy to start seeing thru this all, and “enjoy” the uncomfortable situation, where the other person knows I see thru it, but of course me remaining friendly -but firm if needed.
S
Hi Siiri,
I completely agree with you.
The next level for you, is to show up honestly and share with love your observations and ask honestly for what you need with boundaries.
Then you will see the people who can grow with you rise, those who cant fall away and a whole new stream of whole and capable people enter.
You are the generator…. you see?
Much love
Mel 🙏💛💕
Hi Melanie
Important article here since it’s gotten people to face the Truth about their own Self deception.
Nobody lies to us but ourselves -the very minute we ignore our intuition.
Self honesty, brutal self honesty is a powerful weapon for defeating everything Narc. The Bible calls the Truth a sword. It is the ONLY offensive weapon in our armor. With it (applied to our own thinking) we cut off the head of the enemies.
Every other protection or defense leaves the foe alive to keep battling us later.
The sword of Truth alone ends the struggle permanently. This is the beauty of NARP .. It is a method of telling ourselves the Truth finally. That’s why is it so quickly and permanently effective.
Nobody can lie to us but ourselves when we are honest.
I love this Iris!
You’ve really said it all with your post. xo Kathy
Hi Iris,
And never a greater truth spoken my love.
The end … which produces our real beginning …
Much love to you as always
Mel 🙏💛💕
Thank you so much for this timely article, Mel!
I absolutely loved it. It brought into alignment my emotional and logical processes to really see what had been going on and that yes, it truly was as bad as my intuition had been telling me. Cognitive dissonance has been my biggest battle due to this incongruity of the Covert Altruistic N’s behaviour whom I walked away from in June. What’s truly amazing is not that they lie but how we, despite knowing they lie, will twist it in our own minds to accept that behaviour.
I confronted this N on a small lie a few years ago and ruefully and with great shame he promised to not do this again but N’s being Ns, it continued to happen. Lies of omission, vague promises that never came to be were all part of his repertoire. He’d come across the ‘compartmentalization’ of men’s thought processes and was mesmerized by it. Things got worse in March of 2018 after that. He became a true master of compartmentalization and from what I’ve read of this, Narcissists, Sociopaths and psychopaths excel at this type of behaviour. An 8 year situationship where communication started to deteriorate. Walls were put up and yet I held on looking for any reflection of what our relationship had been. The blinders were finally pulled away in June of this year after being invited to a private FB page where I discovered puppy and kitten posts, memes of intelligent quotes and the perfect display of his altruistic self and the intelligence with which attracted me. What had me reeling was his marital status saying Single although he was separated, (living separately for over a decade), and a following dominated by women who thought he was ‘perfect’. I did confront him on this and what floored me was his excuse was to see if his Spouse would see it when she happened to come across, and he subsequently omitted it, ‘coincidentally’, (eyes rolling here) at the same time I did. The ‘estranged’ spouse was not a member of this private page, nor were there any family pics, etc. And I thought, why would she care if they were separated? I was immediately love bombed after, with him pretending all was well but I walked away at that point. I gave a pat excuse that there was no future and that I felt like an option and left it at that. I was too triggered and in too much pain to explain further and when next I saw him he was angry as he drove by. I firmly believe he never realized how much of his lies I’d uncovered and in his eyes, I’d walked away for one incident but it was an accumulation of the lies finally unfolding in front of me and seeing the manipulation for what it had been; N feed. I’d seen a transformation of his appearance since March; losing 25 lbs, growing his hair longer and as he said when asked why, ‘he was sick of looking old.’ I suspected that there was someone else and this also lead me to believe there had been others based on other N traits of abandoning and then renewing the situationship through the years. It was mortifying to see what I’d gotten myself into; the worst N so far, and how I’d succumbed to the ‘game’ I hated with a passion. From the beginning I’d stated all I wanted was honestly and integrity in the relationship and left with feelings of betrayal and the realization that there was something I was doing wrong that kept attracting me to Ns. (My ex spouse was a covert victim N.) I was so sick of this pattern that I scoured the net to finally find what I’d been dealing with; the Covert Altruistic N, the most sinister of them all. It left my mind reeling that someone like this actually existed and that I’d attracted this. It was then I found Narp and have since been diligently working on healing myself but this, the lying, was the hardest to overcome to acknowledge it for what it was. The truth of the matter was that regardless of whether there were others or not, regardless of whether this person was an N or not, the relationship was doomed to failure because trust had been betrayed by this individual’s actions and words. This person lacked the integrity of which I’d admired him for and once that’s destroyed, there is nothing left. I see this person now as severely stunted in maturity, going to extraordinary lengths to hold onto his youth, (he’s 64), and doing anything to support the non-existent persona he shows to the world.
Your article resonates in relation to the Ns knowing they lie. I believe it is to avoid confrontation but what I find interesting based on my experiences is that even though they may feel remorse, their ‘memories’ quickly take care of it by forgetting the incidents in the first place. What floors me is they pride themselves on honesty and integrity outwardly but their actions reflect the complete opposite. My only conclusion is they are a severely fractured individual and that is why they will not acknowledge nor attempt to heal the deep wounds that perpetuate this existence. They cannot fathom the harm they cause others so how can they fathom the harm they do to themselves?
I completely agree with you in how to render these individuals irrelevant to our own reality. My real take away from this article is this; until we acknowledge our Inner being as the predominant force in our lives and self-partner, we will be forever vulnerable to these vultures. It is only in going within, usurping and shifting out the traumas can we find and dissolve the false beliefs we hold within thereby dissolving our own Inner Narcissist that looks without to gain its own feed through the manipulation. Because yes, I think our Egos do feed off this to perpetuate the negative peptide addiction to stop us from going within. A viscous circle that only we ourselves can end.
So again Mel, I thank you so much for this article. It truly brought into focus that this person was not aligned with my values nor my Inner being’s truth and has finally started me on the road to healing this final wound. Lots of Love, Kathy xo
Hi Kathy,
I love the awareness in this that you have brought back to self.
It is so true that the only emancipation for us, is to go within and ferret out (release and uplevel) the deep parts of us that are still hanging on to the pain, cognitive dissonance and obsession about it all.
Then we can accept, let go and move on to higher fields of existence that are more genuine.
Its wonderful that you are working with NARP and that you are on your way.
Much love and further blessings to you
Mel 🙏💛💕
Thank you so much for this article Melanie. I just left a decade-long trauma bond last night, and I am in a stupor of “what ifs” and “if onlys” and “but but buts.”
This line summed it up for me: “Stop being with someone who has shown their hand at being a pathological liar (not to mention all the malicious things that narcissists do) because I promise you real and healthy people just don’t do this.”
Several months back, I confronted my now-former-paramour about a toxic thing he did to bully a lifelong friend into no contact. I saw his eyes change and he tried to gaslight me into believing ‘everyone’ lies and just needs ‘to hear the truth.’ What I didn’t realize at the time, was that he was feeling out MY boundaries for the same treatment. A few months later, he randomly changed my coffee order to what he ordered, and INSISTED that I actually wanted what he ordered and loudly shamed me for what I ordered, in public to the horrors of the other patrons. He didn’t even notice the side-eyes and head-shakes of the other customers, he was just hyper-focused on my reaction, which was to continually repeat, “but that’s not what I ordered.” It was the beginning of the end there, but the trauma-bonding held firm for a few more months…
It is very sad to see the person you love regress as you evolve… but in the end, I choose me. In the end, his treatment… just isn’t what I ordered.
Thank you for your shining light! Your videos have helped me piece together a lot of the subtle layers of covert abuse, and escape from my emotional dungeon… I was able to break off the relationship calmly, rationally, and holding my dignity in check.
Hi Frolicking Elf,
I’m so pleased you chose you.
There is no option … truly other than to do that and heal and keep evolving onwards.
It’s TRUE…decent people just dont do that. And there are many beautiful decent people in the world to choose after we chose ourselves.
Much love to you.
Mel and 🙏💛💕
Could I be a narcissist myself? To someone healthier than me?
Hi Lost,
This resource of mine may help answer that question for you
https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/am-i-the-narcissist/
Mel 🙏💛💕
So illuminating, as always .
Love to you, Mel 😍
Thank you darling Jane,
much love to you too.
Mel 🙏💛💕
Hello Melanie Tania Evans and MTE ASSOCIATES
This info on what is called NARCISSISM is great reading especialy for the children of EXTENDED family of origin violence and corruption with all the seen and gone unnoticed prevaricators and their FORAYS of lies and abususe after abuse. The child ,like myself, becomes non-literate in many things and at best automatically operates at the command of whomever acts as overbearing and bullying. The ppint then is that it left me withoit the knowledge as much as that there is more to my existance than to simply exist as the bidding of such whimp out losers for my broken extended family of origin.. No life. no wife. No children ( no “KIDS”) no livelyhood. No welcome matt for i have no home of my own. Left in the squalidness of subsistance housing thus no real home only empty nonsense memories of bizzarrely being taken advantage of by everyone else. These are some of the things that are caused by PARENTS that will not SEE their own childrens SAFETY SECURITY , TEACHING ,AND RESPECTING ,. There REALLY ISN’T any other reason to bring children into the world. What kind of losers somehow persieve this can be valuable to do this harm to their children but, to disavow the very existance of the one and only children. This is dimented to star/ with. Then cover up with all the lying maliciously and ruinously is then PERSONALITY DISORDER of the third kind.. Gross and leaves their victim ME with a lifetime of never new there was a life of my own to live. And memories of life that ever actualy happened as anything other than having BEEN SWINDLED.. it is gross and it is offensive in aftermath of this that i could have ever knowingly put myself THROUGH anything like this i can not fathom.. I AM THE RESULT OF PARENTS THAT NARC ON THEIR CHILDREN. DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU. 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍👼👼👼👼👼👼👼👼👼👼👼👼👼💎💎💎💎💎💎💎💎💎💎🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🙊🙊🙊🙊🙊🙊🙊🙉🙉🙉🙉🙉🙉🙉🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈. G’DAY
It’s the lies that have finished me. Years of being gaslighted to the point I was quietly ashamed at how mentally unwell I obviously was when in fact I was being torn apart by someone who piled lies on lies. The past year has seen a change from the subtle lies to cocky secrecy, new sentences cropping up from “why do you need to know” when I’ve asked where are you going, and “it’s not for discussion” when he’s dropped a bombshell and I’ve naturally asked questions. Without thinking recently I had a bit of a backlash, when just about to get lunch and finding him putting his coat on, i blurted out “I didn’t know you were heading out – where are you heading?” No reply except a stare of annoyance and my unwitting irritation coming out in reply to myself as “oh yes, of course, it’s all a big secret, I don’t need to know so I won’t ask…” before getting lunch for one. Another time he was moping around, bored, when again I was preparing lunch, then he put his coat on and said he was suddenly going out. Without thinking I asked “where” and all he said was he didn’t know. I made fun of him saying “so you’ll sit in your car until inspiration strikes?” but sure enough a till receipt later showed he’d driven an 80 mile round trip in four hours. It’s laughable really but not something I need to put up with….
Mel,
I have your book…is there a difference between your book and the purchased program online in terms of taking the steps to healing?
Thank you.
Ann
Hi Ann,
Yes NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp is different from my book, it is the actual deep Quantum inner healing process.
I hope this explains
Mel 🙏💛💕
Thank you Mel.
Can someone just be a narcissistic person because of a drug like crystal meth, meaning can the drug cause a person to be narcissistic or does that behavour already exist?
Hi Sue,
yes absolutely drug addicts can display narcissistic characteristics that when the drug addiction is healed so maybe the narcissism.
However, narcissism may be an ingrained personality character defect, meaning whether straight or sober narcissism still exists.
Either way, if there is no desire to get off the drug, stay off the drug, and do whatever is necessary to face and heal the trauma within causing the self-medication of the drug, the “narcissism” isn’t going to stop.
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💛💕
I’ve been married to an Altruistic Narc for 22 years. We have 4 sons. I KNOW he is a Narc. I’m NO LONGER IN DENIAL. I was in denial regarding his personality disorder for 21 years! I believed he was a HABITUAL LIAR, adulterer and all around jerk/bully. This was obviously bad enough..add in the typical Narc behaviors and life with him has been absolutely intolerable! I KNOW WHAT NEEDS to be DONE. I own the NARP system and have been working on it off and on for about a month.
Here’s the issue: I have been a stay at home mom for 21 years. I am ill with Chronic Reactivated Epstein Barr Virus, Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia. As if that’s not enough, I also have half a dozen other chronic health conditions. I cannot work because I can’t get out of bed. I crash for 3-4 days at a time after going to a Drs appointment! I am completely dependent on HIM. My health insurance is obviously through him as well and the policy states if we don’t live together, I won’t have health coverage! I am at the functional Dr. every 2 weeks. I MUST continue going to be able to heal physically!
How on EARTH am I supposed to SEPARATE FROM HIM when I wouldn’t be able to work or support myself due to my severe illness? I’d be ill and homeless! How do I support my two minor children?
As I said, I’ve started Quanta Freedom Healing. The more I do the first module, the more I pull away from him emotionally and physically. After a healing, I feel better emotionally, yet I BEHAVE WORSE towards him! This creates MORE STRESS in my life because he dishes me up a huge serving of fresh Narc wrath.
The more I HEAL MY SELF, the MORE I SEE that I DON’T DESERVE HIS CRAZY CRAP!! I refuse to allow him to bulldoze and make me miserable. I’m supposed to be ignoring his abuse and not allowing it to affect me, right? How is that possible when you are reliant on the Narc (and they know it)? Am I not getting as much benefit from the first module as I thought?
Hi Ellie,
my heart goes out to you being in such a painful, dependent and difficult situation.
I completely hear what you’re saying and it’s incredibly courageous of you to be doing the modules and emotionally detaching from him, and of course this is going to cause you to see things more clearly and to be more reactive towards him.
However, the next step for you is to do the module work to detach from reacting, and to keep pulling fully back into your power and handing him so much less, so you can be the generative force of solution. I promise you that there have been people in your situation within the community who have been able to heal within, and open up the space for supports, solution and even miracle to enter. Even when none seems possible.
I’d love you to come into the NARP members forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp For support in this crucial time.
I hope that this can help guide you, and please know we are all sending you strength, breakthroughs and healing.
Mel 🙏💛💕
Hi Melanie,
I was Stunned (!) reading this article. My mom is a narc (as well as my soon to be ex). She lie about EVERYTHING! Even stupid little things that don’t matter. You’ve put my feelings into words! I didn’t understand WHY she does it…all I know is that it drove me CRAZY. I have trouble being around her and severely limit our time together.
My question is…she is 75yrs old. I don’t want to COMPLETELY eliminate her from my life..but I do need to continue to limit my time with her.
Do you have any videos or blogs about managing emotions when around a narc?
I’m actually feeling that feeling of anger and anxiety that I have around my mom right now! Just writing this to you brings up those feelings (I’m going right to module 1 when I’m done writing this).
Thank you so much. Your NARP program has been incredible. It’s hard but it’s also so very interesting to connect with my Little K.
Big K 😘
Hi Kirsten,
this resource of mine may help you https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-to-set-boundaries-with-a-narcissist-if-you-cant-go-no-contact/
Also please google my resources about elderly narcissists and family narcissists, because this may help as well.
I’m so pleased that NARP http://www.melanietonyevans.com/narp has been able to help you so much Kirsten.
Much love to Big K and little K.
And please remember that you can ask any questions to get any support or tips that you need in the NARP members forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
Mel 🙏💕💛
I normally never leave comments. But, this is such an on point and well written article. You truly know your subject accurately. I am married to a narcissist that I met at seventeen. Four kids and twenty-nine years later, I wish I knew what to avoid… Thank you for trying to impower others with information.
Most of this makes sense though idk if “faking it till you make it” is so wrong. I mean if you’re lying to embezzle money or trying to snare people into a scam or recruit followers for an agenda/cult well obviously that’s mental. How about those of us from low income or crappy homes who adopt a public persona or change ourselves to be less of the limiting beliefs we were taught in order to be successful or try what our fears held us back from??
They lie to steal your money, your home, your amazing kids or another’s spouse/partner, your possessions and to smear anyone they envy with non-facts who has what they think they deserve. It’s all about deservedness beyond reason so if they compete to get a guy or girl or riches or notoriety because “they deserve it” obviously that’s got nothing to do with love or a healthy life because that’s treating people as objects and love and an actual life as a commodity.