Melanie Tonia Evans

When You Are No Longer A ”Match” For A Narcissist…

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 46
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Narcissists can be intensely formidable and it is incredibly normal to want to try to combat them, get them brought to justice and stop the terrible rampage that they may be inflicting on you and others.

If you’ve tried EVERYTHING you can to STOP their behaviour and nothing is working.  I really want you to understand that being a MATCH for a narcissist doesn’t work.

You would have to stoop to their level and SELL your SOUL.

There is a better way. A REAL way to get up and out of narcissistic abuse and even DEFEAT narcissists.

It is this… Becoming NOT a MATCH for them.

Come with me today in this episode and I will explain exactly WHAT that is, HOW to do it and WHY it works.

 

 

Video Transcript

Would you love to no longer be a match for a narcissist?

I promise you that being a match for a narcissist is not what you want to be because this leaves you highly susceptible to them.

There is no matching a narcissist in a traditional sense, meaning being able to have it out with them and win, unless you’re a narcissist yourself. You would have to be as underhanded, pathological and malicious as they are.

There is a much more EFFECTIVE way…

The best way to overcome a narcissist and get free from one is to become NOT a match for them any longer.

In today’s TTV episode, I’m going to explain to you exactly how to achieve that.

But before I do, I’d like to thank everyone who has subscribed to my channel and the Thriver mission, and if you haven’t yet done so, I’d love you to. And if you like this video please remember to give it a thumbs up.

On to today’s episode!

 

The Misconceptions About Being A Match

If you were to take law of attraction literally, you may believe that being a match for a narcissist means that you are like a narcissist – meaning conscienceless, pathological and certainly not a nice person.

This is not what makes you susceptible to narcissists at all.

What does make you susceptible to a narcissist is carrying inside you the identical traumas that match what a narcissist will deliver into your life.

The premise, that our greatest unresolved fears will come to pass, is very true.

Quantum truth is as absolute as gravity. Whatever our emotional composition is, in regard to any topic in our life, equals our belief systems about that topic.

Our belief systems are our subconscious programs that are connected to all of the Field, which means all of life.

This means that whatever we believe deep within our inner identity becomes a reality. It plays out to the letter regardless of what we would really like to experience.

Many of our belief systems were formed preverbally. They were taken on from our ancestors in our DNA and from our childhood before we could choose what we wanted to believe. It’s really useful to understand belief systems as this – when a deep emotional experience occurs, a belief is created to match this experience.

This means that when you were a child having an experience of feeling abandoned, unloved, unworthy or invisible, and it was deeply emotionally impactful for you, then your beliefs were formed as painful in relation to the topic of ‘love’ with crucial people in your life.

Can you see now that if you were to have the painful inner beliefs, ‘the people who love me hurt me, leave me, ignore me, discard me, lie to me, or deem me unlovable and unworthy’ that this would be a perfect match for a narcissist to be the exact deliverer of the evidence of these inner painful beliefs?

To rise above being a match for a narcissist means understanding what being ‘a match’ really means and doing the work on yourself at an inner level so that you aren’t.

 

What and Who You Will Accept Into Your Life

I promise you that what and who you have been accepting into your life represents your inner belief systems on any particular topic.

This is not victim blaming. This is about helping you take your power back to heal the only entity you ever have the power to heal and change, which is yourself.

The problem with the ‘victim blaming’ model, people who believe that any focus on healing ourselves is further abusing us, is that there is no ability to change and heal our own life. If we want to remain a victim (as I once did too) it is impossible to have any centre of influence over other people to change them in order to have a different life experience – thus being victimised and hurt continues.

In my own life and in the thousands of lives that I’ve been deeply involved in with Thriver Recovery over the past 10 years, in every case where people’s lives transformed miraculously from painful interpersonal relationships, to healthy and fulfilling ones, it happened because of this…

They took the radical personal responsibility to change their Inner Being.

I promise you this, when you no longer have the inner belief systems that equal the painful beliefs that have been evident via terrible and horrible interpersonal abuse, you will no longer unconsciously choose and align with or stay with the people who hurt you.

You won’t be chemically attracted to them, and you won’t fall for them feigning to be the saviour of any of your unhealed, susceptible parts, which is exactly what narcissists do.

When a narcissist questions you to try to uncover your insecurities, so as to know how to pretend to fix them, you won’t hand them any. Because you won’t have those parts anymore.

You won’t be needy, reckless or dismiss your Inner Being when it’s sending you warning signs (which it always does) because you are solid, healed up and are self-partnered with your own self-love and self-worth.

I also promise you this, when you are firmly committed to healing and evolving yourself, you understand that you will never accept a level of love that is beneath the level of love that you have for yourself.

I am not saying this to blame or shame you, I’m telling you this to help you take your power back. Because the truth is this – becoming unmatched with narcissists is not some pure fluke, and it’s not something that happens because something in our life has come to save us from them.

It happens because we turn inwards to actualise the greatest mission of our life, which is to heal and evolve ourselves.

 

When We Are Unmatched We Have No Desire To Play Their Game Anymore

You may wonder why you are so triggered by a narcissist. This is because the narcissist is hitting you in the most painful areas of your emotions, which are your painful belief systems.

They are ripping your old, existing wounds open over and over again.

This is what makes the narcissist’s behaviour so painful, personal, and emotionally impactful.

When you have no matching inner beliefs in regards to the narcissist’s antics (which are the attempts to hook you, control you and hurt you to mine your energy, attention, life-force and resources) you truly will be completely emotionally detached from them.

Here is the complete irony – we think that fighting back and trying to get accountability and justice is the answer to becoming unmatched and free from narcissists. But it isn’t. Narcissistic abuse is a deep spiritual, energetic, soul, inner belief system phenomenon. There is nothing logical about this.

Even if you are only just discovering that you’ve been narcissistically abused, the quickest way for you to access and begin true healing is to understand the truth about this…

Narcissistic abuse is a powerful wake up call to turn us inwards to heal ourselves. Narcissists come into our life as the evidence of our already existing traumas that we haven’t healed yet.

Narcissists can do this because we believe that they are the promise of the love, approval, security and survival that we haven’t yet anchored into solidly and emotionally within ourselves.

This is why there is zero release, solution, emancipation and salvation of your soul and life if you continue to stay focused on trying to combat the narcissist.

This is why if you are determined to hang onto your victimisation, you will remain powerless.

Yet, when we turn inwards something incredible happens. The blame and shame that we once had for ourselves turns into the fascination of self-partnering with our Inner Being. We start to understand the truth of exactly why our life has taken the shape that it has, as well as HOW to change it.

We realise that this actually wasn’t even to do with the narcissist and that this person in our life was only a catalyst, to force us to finally turn inwards to be the saviour of ourselves.

Quantum Law, so within so without, means that our life will unfold to the letter in relation to our inner existing belief systems. No one else can reprogram our inner belief systems for us. It’s our requirement, our job and our biggest personal mission, not just for ourselves but for everyone and everything that we touch as well.

 

What Are We Really Breaking Free From?

This is the thing, we have always thought that we were trying to get free of toxic people, but what we are really working to get free of is our own limiting painful inner beliefs and then the freedom happens all by itself.

I really hope that this episode has made a lot of sense to you and inspires you to do the deep inner work to become unmatched from narcissists.

Is it finally ‘enough is enough’ for you?

Do you want to stand up and say ‘It’s time to change me!’?

If so, I want you to write that in the comments below.

And I’d love you to come with me so that I can show you exactly how to achieve this. You can get started by clicking this link.

And if you enjoyed this video and would like to see more, please make sure you subscribe to my channel, and please hit the like button if this resonated with you, and share with your communities and friends so that they too can discover the truth regarding how to heal from abuse for real.

As always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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86 Thoughts on When You Are No Longer A ”Match” For A Narcissist…
  • Billtbok@aol.com'
    Freeandclear
    November 18, 2019

    This is brilliant. Yes I used to be a match to my narc wife, but after healing my attachment wounds, the hooks disappeared. It was easy to end with no rancor or bitterness. It’s so clear that you have done the deep work. Thanks for your great work.

  • yoshilange41@gmail.com'
    Michael Lange
    November 18, 2019

    Hi Melanie. It’s Michael. Right on. I keep learning more and more from your videos. I have learned a lot since I realized I was dealing with narcissists 2 1/2 years ago. I have learned that these people are your worst nightmare parading around as the nicest people on earth. Just even to realize that I don’t have to battle with these people all of the time. I don’t have to step on their stage. I will never win if I step on stage with them. The best thing that I have realized is that I don’t have to give in to these horrible people. I can stand my ground and say NO MORE. Little by little I am bringing myself up from the depths that I was once in. The pit of despair is no where a person should be. And yet little by little I am making progress. I am quite well aware that I can not go fast through this healing process. I have been shown what will happen to me if I heal too fast. Too much damage over too many years. But now thankfully I am realizing that I don’t have to carry the heavy load that I was carrying. I can let go. I can have freedom, peace, and joy even in the midst of persecution from my enemies. My enemies will never stop persecuting me but I also don’t have to give into their behavior. I have every right to tell them NO MORE. MICHAEL

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 18, 2019

      Hi Michael,

      I am so pleased that my material is helping so much.

      Michael, I want to check in with you, if you are doing NARP or not?

      (I am sorry that I am not sure of the answer!)

      Because if you are trying to heal cognitively it can be a very hard and long drawn out process, whereas with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp as soon as you start loading up and releasing internal trauma, you start living free from it, and healing and change can come very quickly – simply by focusing on doing that.

      Healing truly is not a timeline, it is to do with how much we have been able to detox the internal trauma.

      This article of mine may help https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/pain-is-not-a-timeline-how-to-shift-through-pain-powerfully/

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

      • melodyquick@hotmail.com'
        Melody Quick
        November 19, 2019

        It is time to CHANGE ME👍❤ Thank you Melanie❤

      • ineartjjccga3@gmail.com'
        Donna
        November 19, 2019

        Melanie, What about when my grandchildren are involved? It’s like I’m in continuous grieving because my heart feels such deep sorrow. I’m not allowed to see them at all. My son and this woman are no longer together and she puts him through constant hell and has made up ungodly lies about me. I don’t react at all because it’s so mind blowing! To be honest, prayer doesn’t seem to help in the least bit. Actually, narcissist have been in and out of my life for many years now. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m drained all the time and prefer to be alone. Do I have to let the vision of my grandchildren and I ever having a relationship together go? How do I do that? Is that even possible? Melanie, I’ve done a lot of research on NPD over the years. I don’t know how to stop absorbing the energy that makes me wilt. The releasing of cortisol into my system year after year, day after day. I’m single. A mother of three grown men. I attract these people STILL! It feels like I’m always searching for that missing piece to the puzzle so I can wake up from this nightmare my life has been and continues to be.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          November 19, 2019

          Hi Donna,

          my heart goes out to you for what you are going through, and the disconnection from those that you love.

          Donna, please know lovely lady That when things outside of us are out of control and we can’t change them, then there is only ever one solution, which is to come inside. release the trauma out of our body and get relief that way. I promise you that even with the most unspeakable pain that people have suffered in this community, including my previous self, that it is possible to get relief and healing regardless of the outer life circumstances.

          This doesn’t make us uncaring at all. It simply relieves our suffering. And then when we have had that shift on an inner level, something miraculous things often happen, which is that the space has been made for a miracle to come. Because we have the inner peace, it is no longer such a conditional requirement in order to try to get the peace.

          Donna the inner healing will allow you to stop absorbing this energy and suffering the devastation of it. I can’t recommend enough that you come with me into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to understand how you can get relief and freedom from this. I promise you that this is the missing piece.

          I hope this helps, as I know it can profoundly.

          Mel 🙏💕💛

  • Ayerskate0@gmail.com'
    KATE AYERS
    November 18, 2019

    It’s time to change me!

  • christywilkinson4@gmail.com'
    Christy
    November 18, 2019

    This is such great information! There are several possible narcissists in my family, including my mother. It has felt like a generational curse. I was once amazed that my mother tried to re-establish a parent/child type of dynamic with me, a grown and on my way to old woman when I saw her again after years of very minimal contact. I always wondered what left a person open to entanglement in narcissistic relationships, and I really like your description and cure for “matching” them.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 18, 2019

      Hi Christy,

      I am so pleased this has made sense to you and I so hope it clarifies what is needed to heal.

      Sending you blessings and breakthroughs to the true life you deserve.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • jean-e69@live.com.au'
    Jeanette Eitzen
    November 18, 2019

    I have really struggled with the fact that he would always be the victim and still is portraying himself as such, it has got to the stage that even though it still bothers me that he is playing the victim, it really doesn’t bother me like it used to. He will expose himself sooner or later. I read something the other day saying you can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed if they enjoy the attention being broken gives them. That is his reality, not mine. I have been free for three months and am loving my life without being made to feel guilty about every single thing. I can’t recommend enough, moving away from the situation, which was hard (small town) but distancing myself emotionally too. I really believe this has saved my life and my sanity.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 18, 2019

      Hi Jeanette,

      that is so great that you were strong enough to move away.

      Sending you continued healing and breakthrough.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • gaylelyons1974@gmail.com'
    Cynthia White
    November 18, 2019

    I am ready to change me,I’m just scared and do not know how to start.

    • leannajtsimpson@gmail.com'
      Leanna
      November 18, 2019

      I think you just did! I’ve been working on this for a while, with the quantum healing modules and journaling. Maybe start with some self care. I k ow it seems silly but take care of all your parts. When you have time, take baths, light candles, get a massage (massage has been HUGE for my healing- it’s like working out the toxicity), cut and buff your nails, make a really healthy meal, focus on redecorating a room in your house. Just keep thinking of things that make you feel relief- if it gives you relief, do it ALL THE TIME. It’s a process and you start finding yourself as you start taking care of yourself.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 18, 2019

      Hi Cynthia,

      That’s so normal and understandable to be scared.

      Please let me show you exactly how.

      All is explained in my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevnas.com/freewebinar

      Much love and a big hug to you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    • inpellerano@yahoo.com'
      Iris
      November 18, 2019

      Cynthia,

      Start with a firm decision to cut all ties until you heal.

      Keep going back to your decision to be whole and to love yourself because you are learning that you matter.

      Tell yourself you will continue with healing from the lies knowing that they were all lies that projected a message of your being ‘not enough’.

      Find out HOW ENOUGH YOU ARE using Narp. Until you get it, TOTAL NO CONTACT with the Narc as much as possible.

      Stay the course. All the best to you

  • sharon912912@gmail.com'
    Sharon
    November 18, 2019

    This is so good. Thank you.

  • angelsone@sbcglobal.net'
    Dorothy
    November 18, 2019

    This is the truth.

    Doing the deep work releases the energy. A couple of weeks ago today I literally was able to peel the surface off every character and situation of significance in my life as an adult and place it over the faces and situations of my youth since birth. It’s identical in how I felt but blocked as a child.

    I could not “feel” connected to the images of my past without the help of the key players as an adult. My narcissists were my messengers!

    Once I was able to make the connection and do the work of grieving and releasing the original cast, it translated onto the present. I don’t have to keep reliving the past because it was simply familiar, I don’t have to try to fix the unhealthy people in the present as it’s as impossible as it was as a child. I don’t have to fix them hoping yo get what I need. I can give myself what I need.

    Good self care is how I learn authentic love feels. I am focusing on self partnering. I am learning how love feels without abuse!

    An old acquaintance came back into my life, she hasn’t changed. I let her go. In the past I hung onto everyone. I needed love outside myself and took what I could get.

    My mother was codependent she my father was an alcoholic. In my family tree it is riddled with cancer, addiction, codependency and trauma. All my key relationships were trauma bonded which are addictive.

    I am enjoying feeling what it’s like not to have unreliable liars who aren’t available for genuine relationships.

    The key was the opinion I held of myself coupled with gaslighting and projections of very unhealthy caregivers as a child. It was normal.

    Now normal is feeling peace and calm. No confusion.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 18, 2019

      Hi Dorothy,

      I am so happy for your beautiful breakthroughs.

      Well done and Thrive On!

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    • greenbnk@rogers.com'
      Nicole
      November 18, 2019

      I really enjoyed reading your comment, Dorothy. A lot of what you posted resonated with me. I’ve been struggling with the meaning of “loving” myself lately. Trying to figure out how that “feels”. Who I “am”. I’ve been doing a lot of healing work in-between running the roads. When I’m not busy “living” everyone else’s life (meeting their responsibilities because of circumstances putting me in their driver’s seat,) and I am finally able to find the time to take care of myself and my own affairs, I actually feel very content and satisfied. Something like finally getting my domestics done *and* getting the time to sit back and enjoy [it] leaves me with a deep sense of happiness and satisfaction – for taking care of ‘me’. So simple, but I needed your perspective to see it.

      I know I need to get into the forum to tackle this on a deeper level, but Melanie’s blog and commentary like yours are a nice bridge until I get there.

      I’m finding that narcs new or old, don’t stick around for long. As I continue to evolve away from my old life with the N, and forge forward in my own power (finding my own accountant, garage, insurance broker, etc., etc.) in other words making choices to severe every “dependant tie” to my ex, I’m remarking how much in my power I already am. Something this week revealed itself that validated my choices of late. Rather than leave me feeling victimized or triggered, it left me more like disappointed, but that quickly turned to relief that I didn’t have to deal with them anymore which is a nice barometer to how far I’ve come.

      When I find myself asking ‘why’ did [they] say this, or ‘why’ did [they] do that, I immediately drop the analysis (old programming,) that would have lead me to just accept it/excuse it away and go along with it; or, doubt and change myself to better align with them/their advantageous outcome – i.e., giving to get. And, instead, I make the choice (set the boundary) that gives me the advantage and/or solution to, if possible, not even have that person in my life at all (why they “just” drop away). Or at a minimum, have them “there” but at arm’s length until an alternative presents itself. In hindsight they have been simple solutions, but they have saved me money and grief which has left me empowered, not victimized. Melanie and this forum has helped me to understand that situations are feedback. They’re neither negative or positive. But the reaction is (e-motion = energy in motion). So if I’m asking myself “why” and the information is not forthcoming/inaccessible, then I take that to mean deception is at work. I accept the feedback and respond clearly and quietly, with myself in mind. I don’t take it personally because it’s not personal (negative). Unless *I* make it so. (e-motion/working for me/positive = happy (by product of self-love))

      Something I have also noted is that the more I heal and understand my past, the more appreciative and considerate my mom is of me. When I think back to the volatile arguments we had over the years that inevitably ended with her saying, “I did the best I could.” Rather than (still) taking that as a cop-out instead of the apology I “needed”, now I take that to the bank. After a lot of Module work, rather than feeling resentful and a deep sense of abandonment and loss, I feel a sense of gratitude for her recognizing her inability to “love” me and “care” for me when I was younger, and making the choice to send me away to live with someone who could and wanted to. Being with them was a much better alternative to the resentment, isolation and neglect I would have otherwise experienced. So, I acknowledge and respect her honesty (I did the best I could) which has made it possible for me to forgive her for “rejecting me”, and instead I keep with me the fond memories of the friendships I made (and maintain to this day,) and of time spent with people who actually cared where I was at the end of the day. My mom gave me that. Today I’m the ‘mom’ and she’s the dependant and I can say that it is a much more harmonious and caring existence. Two months ago I really felt I was her beast of burden. However, I can see her circumstances have humbled her and she does come across as genuinely appreciative and respectful of my time and effort and well as other’s helpfulness. Also I note she has no pain. In addition to the stroke she suffered a couple of months ago, she is suffering from a very aggressive form of leukaemia and yet she has zero pain. I’m wondering if on a Quantum level it’s because my brother and I are both at peace with my mom and all has been reconciled.

    • missholly4@hotmail.com'
      Holly
      November 18, 2019

      Wow Dorothy, this all really resonates with me too. I am just at the beginning and cannot even feel my childhood trauma I have blocked it out so much but keep letting Narcissists into my life. I am so looking forward to future healing.

      Thankyou Mel xx

  • nursedeland@gmail.com'
    Nancy
    November 18, 2019

    I have been in a marriage for 26 years and have been beaten down to almost nothing was left to live for. I filed for divorce in May and it’s been horrific. I hope to heal someday as you are speaking about. Thank you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 18, 2019

      Oh Nancy,

      you poor thing my heart go out to you. Please come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans/freewebinar so that I can show you how you can claim your healing, relief and new life.

      You deserve to heal, beautiful lady and I’d love to show you how.

      Lots of love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    • arc123094@gmail.com'
      Carol Johnson
      November 19, 2019

      Nancy, I was married to a N for 24 years, divorced him in March 2019. We co-owned a business, which is why I stayed with him so long. I was afraid he would get it and leave me with nothing. Well, he got it, and now he wants me to buy it from him. He’s jealous that I don’t work and he has to pay alimony. I’m 71, and he is 58. He has always wanted what I have, no matter what it is.

      Be strong and do the healings with Melanie. You will be so glad you did! I continue doing them whenever a memory or an event triggers me.

      Carol

  • Billtbok@aol.com'
    Freeandclear
    November 18, 2019

    This is brilliant. Yes I used to be a match to my narc wife, but after healing my attachment wounds, the hooks disappeared. It was easy to end with no rancor or bitterness on my part. It was like coming out of a trance. It’s so clear that you have done the deep work. Thanks for your great work.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 18, 2019

      Hi Freeandclear,

      thank you for being such an inspiration to yourself and this community.

      And for your lovely comment…

      Much love to you.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • zahedawadvalla@gmail.com'
    Zaheda
    November 18, 2019

    May I heal from the inside…Thank You so much for this eye opening video..

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 18, 2019

      Hi Zaheda,

      bless you, you are so welcome.

      I’m so pleased this helped.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • mkperris@gmail.com'
    Karimay
    November 18, 2019

    I am ready for change – I feel it now – yet not sure how to start my work.

  • lilyinaustin@gmail.com'
    Prajinta Sthapitanonda Pesqueda
    November 18, 2019

    I am beginning this journey toward establishing healthy boundaries and healing my inner trauma, and it seems so formidable. I am over 60 and running out of time to get it done. It has been 5 months since I was discarded and I am fighting for my life. I love listening to you.

    • greenbnk@rogers.com'
      Nicole
      November 18, 2019

      Prajinta, I’m going on 56. It’s been just over two years since I came across Melanie’s blog and program, and my experience is that NARP has been like turning back the clock. My baggage is eons lighter than it was two years ago when I started NARP, and the result is, my lifestyle is much more “youthful” than it was when I began my journey. Baby steps, Prajinta. Blessings to you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 19, 2019

      Hi Prajinta,

      please know darling lady it is never too late. There are women and men who have healed in this community and gone on to create incredible lives even in their 70s and 80s with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      I hope this gives you hope. Much love to you.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • lilyinaustin@gmail.com'
    Prajinta Sthapitanonda Pesqueda
    November 18, 2019

    I am beginning this journey toward establishing healthy boundaries and healing my inner trauma, and it seems so formidable. I am over 60 and running out of time to get it done. It has been 5 months since I was discarded and I am fighting for my life. I love listening to you. Thank you.

  • April.heidtbrink@gmail.com'
    April
    November 18, 2019

    It’s time to change ME

  • Gravelroad@mac.com'
    Dandylion
    November 18, 2019

    I have ended at narcissistic abuse relationship after discovering he stole over $13,000 (at least). Not botgering to give all details, my question is this:
    Do i pursue legal action?
    I will not get the money back. Nor is that the biggest issue gor me. As outrageous as that amount is and his act of stealing, lying, manipulating for over two years, its not the money that is the worst part. Its his continuing efforts to manipulate me. Law enforcement is encouraging that I repirt him as he will do it again. He has a record. Some riends encourage me to report him. Others, I gather, question the truth or maybe feel i “deserve” it for being foolish (? I dont know what theyre thinking but Im tuning them out).
    I do feel pressure, however. I doubt jail will help him. The legal process is likely allow him to be cruel towards me. I will be smeared, etc…
    But as has been pointed out by otgers, if I dont report him, he will have future victims.
    Again, I wont get the money back. Im prettyclear about that. And I will pay emotionally if i pursue legal action.
    But maybe just maybe it could help him or others. And i suppose maybe not allowing myself to be intimidated would be good for me.
    I was shocked, devastated, stricken, ashamed, embarrassed, so so sad when I learned of his actions. But i dont feel spute. I feel pain. Sadness, horror. And a deep desire to do tge right thing. I dont know what that is.

    Is part of your message to not pursue legal justice or do you mean emotional justice? I would not be pursuing emotional justice. There is no such thing in his mind. He sees himself as the victim in all things. He plays victim for sympathy while having no intention of changing or making amends.
    Do i report him or walk away?
    He will go to jail. Not get probation. He constantly threatens suicidevif I report him. His expression of remorse is solely based on the suffering of consequences, not on the suffering he has caused me.

  • Gravelroad@mac.com'
    Dandylion
    November 18, 2019

    So when you say not to pursue justice, do you mean emotional justice legal justice?
    Should i walk away in self preservation or follow through on potentially preventing him from hurting others?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 18, 2019

      Hi dandelion,

      here is the thing – when we are still feeling emotionally impacted by the trauma over what happened with the narcissist, then the actions that we take outside of us, bring the results that match more of the inner trauma that is our already exiting emotional beingness.

      Absolutely you can take action. However, it’s so important to know that if you’ve done the inner work and you feel solid, calm and whole on the inside regardless of what the verdict will be, then you are in the most powerful position to deliver factually, not be derailed by what unfolds, and results will align in ways that are beyond powerful.

      Many people in this community have won court cases against narcissist and had wonderful results. This is not traditionally the outcome that happens with a narcissist. The outcomes that happen are a direct reflection of Quantum Law -so within so without. Truthfully I truthfully have never seen anybody have a positive outcome when they still have existing trauma wedged in their inner being that is driving their need for justice.

      Narcissistic abuse is not a logical straightforward justice or legal thing. There is a deeper reason for this, the reason being a soul contract with them, so that we can finally turn inwards to heal all those parts of ourselves that were not aligned with the whole, happy, loving, prosperous life that is our soul right to experience.

      I hope that this makes deep intuitive sense to you and helps grant you the understanding that the inner game is always the most important one.

      Lots of love to you.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

      • gravelroad@mac.com.com'
        Dandylion
        November 19, 2019

        Thankyou. That makes sense.
        But i doubt ill be all healed and ready to go in time for this whole event.
        Its not so much abt personally wanting to put him in his place. In fact, i had hoped hedget probation. I didnt want to put him injail. But it wontbe up to me and apparently
        he has a record!
        Im thinking- and mist everyone i know is thinking- if I dont report him, he will do tge same to others.
        I expect hell drag me through the mud snd i font look forward to that at all!! But if i do report him, itsnot to try to fight him. Ill have to try not to be hurt. Ill have to try to ignore gossips. Ill have to be very strong.
        I have no plan to argue with him or try to take him down.
        But if you think I shouldn’t report him because Im not healed yet and so I will vet destroyed- is that because you imagine Id be doing it gor revenge? I wouldn’t. It makes me very sad. And scared about others possibly being unkind toward me. But it would be to prevent future victims.
        I will never get the money back.
        And it dorsnt make me happy to imagine him in jail. It would make me happier to see him on probation having to report to an officer and be held accountable- not to me but to the law. Jail seems like a black hole where he will only grown angry. Idk.
        Anyway, regarding any process I might ne snle to make before the event might begin (i havent reported him yet)
        Ate there certain modules youd recommend I work with?
        Thank you.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          November 20, 2019

          Hi Dandylion,

          You are welcome and I’m glad it makes sense.

          Please know dear lady, that even if you do report him to try to protect others, if you are still traumatised often, sadly, it just doesn’t work – no matter how good our intentions are! And it can even further re-traumatise you. If you do have a case and you can deliver it factually with proof, then great. If it depends on other people believing you then it can be quite difficult, because as you know narcissists are so good at twisting and turning and getting themselves out of trouble.

          For specific help with the modules Dandylion the best place for you is the NARP member’s forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member I can’t Recommend this resource enough for help with your NARP work.

          I hope this helps

          Mel 🙏💕💛

  • msviking212@msn.com'
    Carol Vevle
    November 18, 2019

    I do have to go to the law & I’m starting to be listened to, a few police officer’s. There has been break ins, once I was home, but my barricade stopped the door from opening. They also have my key. There is Identity theft & I was asked if I will testify & the answer is yes!! The last thing that happened was they were talking about drugs from some company that was very illegal to frame me. I reported it. They can’t do anything about it, but the higher ups had to know about it. I deleted it, it was so illegal & they tried to frame somebody else & it WAS BAD!! I started my own organization, Angels at Work, still writing & teaching & going back into singing. I’m a woman of God & men DO NOT, outside of friendship interest me at. It did hurt my health though. I have a stress reaction that will not go away, for 3 years caused by a trauma a hospital caused. I have to see a neurologist now. There are about 10 departments that want info. I have plenty. One case is going over 130 pages & another is due in 7 days. THANK God, that all cases will be using most of the same proof, so all I have to do is have it all printed out! Me & quite a few others are connecting in this type of work. I’m almost completely beating a very bad smear compaign.

  • missholly4@hotmail.com'
    Holly
    November 18, 2019

    Wow Dorothy, this all really resonates with me too. I am just at the beginning and cannot even feel my childhood trauma I have blocked it out so much but keep letting Narcissists into my life. I am so looking forward to future healing.

    Thankyou Mel xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 18, 2019

      Hi Holly,

      it’s my pleasure!

      Love and blessings to you sweetheart

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • Tjm1972@bigpond.com'
    Tj
    November 18, 2019

    It’s been about 18 months since I had to call the police to have a person removed from my home. It was life or death He’d made it difficult to have a relationship with all people in my life including the relationship with the most beautiful person in the world MY SON. It was so hard dealing with the daily flash backs, terrible nightmares( that’s if I was able to get any sleep) and all the rest that goes with it. I’m still trying to get complete closure with hopefully agreeing on a settlement soon. These people will continue punishing you whenever they see an opportunity even when they are so unreasonable and unrealistic (will drag things out just to feed their need for control). I wish I had come across this sooner as I at times really struggled. Thank you for sharing

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 18, 2019

      Hi TJ,

      I really want you to know that there is a fast and direct way for you to get out of the pain and be able to not only reclaim your emotional solidness and sanity but also render the narcissist powerless against you.

      The key to this is learning how to actualise this shift. I’d love to show you how in my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      This event will explain so much and grant you much needed relief.

      Sending you love and healing

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • lauralafraser@icloud.com'
    Laura
    November 18, 2019

    Hi Melanie, firstly: I can’t even remember how I came across your work, I’m just so grateful I did. Thank you, thank you! Secondly, I can’t help but read this article & think of Trump. Makes me think of how insanely powerful it would be if collectively America came together to heal their trauma/inner being & then just watched him melt away. Amazing to apply your work to history as a whole: you look at countries where leaders have wrought havoc and that they do this by knowing the wound. And feigning to be the solution to security etc as you write, anyway just to say thinking both about the personal & collective scope of your work this morning, In huge respect, Laura.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 19, 2019

      Hi Laura,

      I’m so pleased my work has helped you so much.

      It truly is a dream of mine to do large group healings, to be able to shift out trauma from the human experience.

      Great minds think alike!

      Lots of love to you.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • Sunshine49356@cs.com'
    Paulette
    November 18, 2019

    Hi Melanie,

    The narcissist came into my life through my daughter. He conned us both until he almost bankrupted me and destroyed everything I was trying to build up for my daughter’s future. She finally realized what he was and split with him almost a year ago. He has been stalking her ever since and even put in a false stop mail on my address. Anything to cause us trouble. I know what he was trying to do was steal everything from us. She messed up his plans when she split with him.

    I’m 70 years old and disabled. I have no way of starting over. He covered his tracks well so that everything would come back on my daughter if I tried to prosecute him for all his theft. He has nothing and is nothing so there is no way I will ever see that money again. I’m the one who would like to get revenge for everything he did to my life through my daughter. Personally I would like to hear that he has disappeared off the face of the earth. With his drug use and the way he uses everyone I expect it to happen one day. Hopefully before I die.

    My daughter and I are still trying to pick up the pieces and pay the bills that he left us with. When I wake up every morning to the mess he left behind I can’t help but feel anger and resentment. He destroyed the retirement I was hoping to have and will never see now. He has stolen the inheritance I got from my parents that I wanted to build up and leave to my daughter so that she could have an easier life when I am gone. How can I just forget all the evil he did after what has happened to my life and my daughter’s life because of him?

    I see a lot of people are asking why it is wrong to want “revenge” on the person who has done so much damage to your life and keeps trying to return to do more. How do you get rid of a parasite that keeps infesting you with its presence? He sits out on the road and spies on us. He messes with our locked mailbox. He tears up our dirt driveway by doing doughnuts with a four-wheeler. My daughter doesn’t even speak to him because of the scenes he makes and he still won’t go away. He has threatened to burn us down. You really don’t expect this kind of juvenile behavior from a man in his forties but he just won’t leave us alone. The list goes on and on.

    There is something very evil and demented about this man that goes beyond just being a narcissist. The world would be better off without his evil. He destroys everything and everyone he comes near. This man has already told me that everything I bought and paid for is his and he ALWAYS gets what’s “his”. Now that my daughter has dumped him I would not be surprised if he tries to burn down what he can’t steal from us. I keep a gun with me because of his threats. Now tell me how I can get this nut case out of my life and my daughter’s life before he does more damage? This goes beyond ” revenge” — it’s called survival!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 19, 2019

      Hi Paulette,

      my heart goes out to you and your daughter for what has happened to you at the hands of this conman.

      Paulette the horrible thing about narcissistic abuse, and things like financial devastation, is that so often we are stuck in the terrible suffering and trauma, waiting for something to happen in order to get relief.

      Often, sadly, this doesn’t happen. So that leaves us with the only option of trying to do whatever it takes to get relief and feel better rather than having to wait for something to change outside of us to gain that.

      This is where true recovery from narcissistic abuse has to happen, being able to access the trauma that is inside us, release it, and go free from it, regardless of any condition outside of ourselves.

      I have found time and time age, no matter our age, circumstances, or how much we have suffered, that if that inner work is performed then not only do we gain emancipation from the pain, but we also start opening up to a completely different trajectory in life that can start to bring us support, possibility and restitution, exactly the same as we are now dedicated to providing for our own inner being.

      Personally, after my complete emotional, physical, and financial devastation at the hands of the narcissist, this was the only way I was able to recover and get well.

      I hope that this has given you a glimmer of hope. If it has please come with me into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to find out exactly how this can work and help you and your daughter.

      Sending you love, healing and breakthroughs.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • Banoo_ramanah@yahoo.com'
    Banu
    November 18, 2019

    It’s time to change. Enough is enough. My health is being affected. I put up with abuse for decades because am a Christian. But l can’t do it anymore. I want out. Thanks for helping me.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 19, 2019

      Awww Banu,

      I am so pleased that this is resonated powerfully and deeply for you.

      Lots of love to you.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • sandraficken281@gmail.com'
    Sandy
    November 18, 2019

    I was becoming aware of what he and his family were back in 2017, it took a few attempts but one night I finally said it’s not me that’s crazy I realized he was using word salad, gas lighting, he was abusive and still is. He still tries to bait and trick me but it is amazing how when you finally figure them out they are textbook. They all are alike and do generally the same things in the same order. I am free emotionally from him but he still controls me through our children. Amazingly how young our children are (almost 15 and younger), they have all come to me on separate occasions and told me about instances where they caught him lying to them and playing games trying to create anxiety. Telling them he doesn’t know if he can do something for them for example until the very last minute for example. The children are figuring him out faster than I did. I’m extremely proud of how intelligent our kids are. My oldest had said it’s because of me that that the cycle of abuse will not continue with them as it has in his own family.

    Here’s where I have trouble though. The children and I are aware of what he is. How do we wake the court system up? He and his attorney are manipulative (he finally found the perfect attorney that matches him after cycling through 5 of them). He and his attorney twists stories making it appear as I am alienating the children and I am the difficult one. The children are afraid of him and are aware of how sneaky he and his family are. They have been called names by his family, had their phones taken away but initially were made to believe they had just misplaced the phone themselves (just like what he did to me). One of my kids had woken up to seeing her cousin going through her phone while sleeping at their house for the weekend. All of the children had seen their father coming in their room at night on occasion looking in their closet and again trying to look through their phones. Our kids pretend to keep sleeping but they have said that it is creepy when this is done to them by their own family. They have put passwords on the phones now. My fear is that the court system will not wake up in time to see the damage that is being done to the kids by being around he and his family as much as they already are and now he is trying to take more custody and has threatened me to go for full custody. I don’t want the kids and I to be torn apart by a court system that is blind. To everyone else who has not experienced the vengeance of a hurt narcissist and his family for the fact that we have woken up and know what they are and want to go on with our lives they truly do not understand the damage that they do. A judge that is blind to this is literally taking our lives away from us and handing it over to the narc and his flying monkeys to torture us more. How do I make them wake up. Yes, I do know that the narc does not have the ability to control us and torture us if we don’t allow them to but when a blind judicial system doesn’t see what’s in front of their eyes they are ripping the children and the healthy parent away from each other. We want to be together not apart. That is still how I feel we could potentially be tortured if the narcissist fools them. This is what I am still scared of.

    And yes, I am a member of your Thrive program.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 19, 2019

      Hi Sandy,

      please know dear lady that defeating a narcissist in any legal situation is truly an inner game. It’s so about doing the inner work on ourselves with NARP, specifically, modules such as module 4, 3 and module 8 in order to be able to lose the fear, show up calmly, clearly, succinctly and also be an attraction force and generator of more of your inner power, authenticity and truth.

      This is how NARP members have been able to get spectacular results in courtrooms and also be able to expose narcissists, by triggering narcissist to expose themselves.

      I would really love you, Sandy, to come into the NARP members forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member so that we can help you do that specific work, and get aligned with solutions as well as to know how to present and be within the legal process to get your best and most powerful results.

      I hope that this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • sandraficken281@gmail.com'
    Sandy
    November 18, 2019

    P.S./ Now I’m scared because I added my name. I didn’t realize it would be posted with it. Is there anyway to change that before my post is up too long?

  • Annieduncan789@hotmail.com'
    Annie
    November 19, 2019

    Everything I hear you say rings true with me. I have moved stuff to my friends house. I have a bag packed in the car and one in the house. Why can’t I leave! I always say tomorrow!! I
    Maybe I’m a coward. I should just say to him this isn’t working! Would it be disrespectful to just leave with no explanation. We’ve been together 6 years. Then he can be frightening if he gets ‘the rage’. Why am I so stuck???

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 19, 2019

      Hi Annie,

      I am so pleased this resonates with you.

      Annie, I really want you to know that recovery from narcissistic abuse is not logical. What you are feeling is incredibly common. The reason that you can’t leave is that there is some unhealed, unmet previous trauma within you that is keeping you bonded to him. I promise you with all my heart, that when you go within and find that trauma that is keeping you bonded, and then release and replace it-will mean effectively reprogramming your inner love code. Then you will easily be able to leave, be empowered and keep moving forward away from him.

      That is the real inner work that is what my Thriver Recovery System is all about.

      Have you considered looking at the NARP program? that is the quantum inner reprogramming tool that myself and so many others in this community have used in order to break free, empower ourselves, and go forward into our new life. You can check it out here http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      if you want to find out more about NARP and experience a Quanta Freedom Healing for yourself (which is the healing component in NARP) then please come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/free webinar to learn more.

      I hope this helps.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 19, 2019

      Oh and Annie,

      absolutely it is fine to leave without an explanation, sometimes actions speak louder than words.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • unionman133@gmail.com'
    Gregory A Thomas
    November 19, 2019

    melanie
    I just read the transcript and was overly enjoyed to learn that my thought processes have begun to let my addiction go..but realize it is not an overnight thing because i feeling the pain of the truama bonding even as i write this..but i am now hopefully aware that there is a path to change utterly and completely
    thank you very much

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 19, 2019

      Hi Gregory,

      I really want you and everybody else to understand that healing from our trauma does not have to be a gruelling, long, drawn-out process.

      Yes, it takes time and effort, however, when you do the inner reprogramming deep in your subconscious with effective quantum tools, the healing comes fast and powerfully.

      Please come with me into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/free webinar to find out and experience for yourself exactly how this happens.

      I hope that this gives you newfound relief and hope.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • ahillery@yahoo.com'
    Amanda Hillery
    November 19, 2019

    OMG. Such true and simple words. Thank you for making the message so clear and simple for me. I will probably need to listen to this every day for me to use it as my guide. I think as of right now I am doing both things: I am still in victim role as I try to make the Narc repent and see the error of his ways and make amends……and on the other hand I thinkI am also trying to heal myself by becoming the “generative source of my own power”. I say “I think” that I am doing this as I am not sure. For me working on a way to support myself financially “I think” is key to me becoming that. Do you think I am off base in thinking that? Is the financial piece just a distraction from the real work. I would be grateful for your input.

    Thank you for always sharing your gift of wisdom.
    Amanda
    10 year married to a (IMHO) narc

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 19, 2019

      Hi Amanda,

      I’m so pleased that this resonated with you.

      I really want you to understand Amanda that there is a much easier and more potent way to heal than keeping trying to rethink your way into health.

      Please come with me into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to discover the real way to heal in your core, where you will not need to keep revisiting to try to keep yourself and track.

      Much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • janice7griffith@gmail.com'
    Janice
    November 19, 2019

    Hi melanie

    Thank you for your wisdom. It’s just what I needed..xxx

  • inpellerano@yahoo.com'
    Iris
    November 19, 2019

    Hi Melanie

    Maybe because my experience with a Narc didn’t go on very long, maybe because I already had a solid practice of getting my sense of life and joy and meaning and worth directly from God and maybe because I had a revelation of the profound greater Reality that runs this human experience…. But I did heal so quickly that I TRULY AM NOT A MATCH AT ALL ANYMORE.

    I’m so uninterested in even discussing that pain as “past” event.

    Is it dangerous to have moved on so completely that I barely remember the nightmare?

    I am no longer a match for abuse OF ANY KIND.

    POST NARC, I’m even more aware of the value and depth of these intimate interpersonal potentially life producing connections.

    I can’t feel anything but Love and gratitude for the healing and the experience.

    Moving on and celebrating life.

    Cheers! No match here ❤️❤️❤️

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 19, 2019

      Hi Iris,

      it is so gorgeous to celebrate with you divine evolution and being completely unmatched.

      So much love and life force to you beautiful lady.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • brenn2@yahoo.com'
    brenda firebaugh
    November 19, 2019

    I have 2Nadult children. Husband and I are going out of town for the holidays because I could take no more. Thank you for your help, I don’t have to be a victim, I can take my power back and be happy again! It is time to be happy on holidays for a change.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 19, 2019

      Hi Brenda,

      that is so true that you can take your power back.

      Love and blessings to you and yours.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • mitchersie@att.net'
    michman
    November 20, 2019

    THESE ARE MY NOTES FROM THIS VIDEO, SHARED WITH GRATITUDE.
    . . . THEY CAN BRING YOU DOWN AND “FEED” OFF YOU THROUGH THE AREAS IN WHCH YOU ARE LIKE THEM
    (TAKE THEIR like-qualified BAIT).
    SO DON’T EVEN TRY TO “MATCH” THEM BECAUSE, THO YOU MAY PUT THEM OFF,
    THAT IS WHERE THEY KNOW THERE ARE MORE WINDOWS FOR FEEDING OFF YOU.
    THE COMBATANT POSITION INVOLVES THE VICTIM POSITION (JUST AS THE CONTROLLER
    IS ALSWAYS ALSO CONTROLLED, (WITH OR WITHOUT CONSCIOUS HEIRARCHICAL DEFERENCE).
    BETTER TO BE A “MATCH” (“SELF-PARTNER”) FOR YOUR “TRUE SELF” BY BEING IN CONTINUAL CONTACT, ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
    AND FORGIVENESS AND TRANSFORMATION OF THE ONGOING MISTAKES OF THE “NOT-TRUE” SELF. IN THIS I STAND.
    BETTER TO THUS AIM AT BEING IN PRETTY MUCH CONTINUAL SANE DEVELOPMENT (WHEREBY SANITY ITSELF CAN DEVELOPE).

  • Margarit72@aol.com'
    Jane M.
    November 20, 2019

    Mel,
    Beautiful article, as always.
    A question : is there a difference between a Belief and a belief system or do you mean the same thing when you talk about these ?
    Thank you 😊

  • anna_elina@luukku.com'
    Elina
    November 20, 2019

    …but what we are really working to get free of is our own limiting painful inner beliefs and then the freedom happens all by itself.

    Indeed! After the n, and then one more toxic man, my friend said to me (I know she cares and wants the best for me, but she isn’t aware of the n relationship dynamics): “I hope you have now learned your lesson”. (she meant, never to get involved with this kind of men anymore)

    But this isn’t about “learning”, because this isn’t logical process at all! Later I thought about her words, and I think in reality, I should actually now UN-learn some things=heal the limiting, false beliefs! I think that’s the whole point. Like I once talked with a healer, the interesting things about beliefs are that they don’t feel like “beliefs”, they actually feel like they are truth!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 20, 2019

      Hi Alina,

      I love what you have said here, because it is so true that we need to unlearn, rather than learn something else!

      As soon as we lose our internal trauma we are effectively are un-learning the lies and false beliefs.

      And we organically come back to the truth and our inner solidness and wholeness.

      Lots of love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • ninazrun@hotmail.com'
    sally
    November 20, 2019

    Hi Melanie
    I am currently in a relationship with someone who has NPD traits. I have just come to realise that I have been narcissistically abused all this while.
    It was all very subtle and I did not detect it as abuse. The threats, the rages, the silent treatments, jealousy, controlling and manipulative behaviour.
    It got to the point last month where I had enough of the silent treatments and suddenly had the strength to not call this person for 2 weeks.
    what makes it more difficult is that this person claims to be very spiritual and would come up with various spiritual ideas and quotes but I find the ideas and behaviours do not match. I used to look up to this person for spiritual help and guidance. The funny thing is when I am around this person I feel the energy leaving my body. I do get funny prickly heat like sensation on my back sometimes and feel it might related to this individual.
    I finally realised I had to look into myself to find out what is making me so attracted to this person. It feels so hard to break the bond but I have set boundaries and becoming more detached now. It helps that we live 7 hours apart.
    I have also enrolled in the NARP program. Hopefully I will be emotionally free and not get triggered everytime and hopefully not be a match for him anymore. Thank you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 20, 2019

      Hi Sally,

      truly there are many so-called spiritual people who are narcissistic, it’s tripped many of us up in the past!

      It’s so wonderful that you’ve turned inwards and taken responsibility to heal what it is that you need to within you. Good on you!

      I’m so happy for you that you are working with NARP, and please know that the sooner you start releasing trauma with module one the sooner you will start de-programming the trauna and getting relief and power back.

      Also, Sally, come into the NARP members forum where you can reach out for our support and guidance to help.

      Lots of love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • floja@gmx.ch'
    Lou
    November 21, 2019

    Dearest Melanie, 4 years ago is was blind and broken. When I connected with all your work I started my most important journey–a long way of home-coming to myself-after 14 years with my ex-partner.

    Every single word in your today’s comment is my story, my truth and my inner belonging. Today I am a complete different woman, I met a man who is loving and thriving, too. My son, my Life, my whole being is blessed with this wonderful truth : Life is good, Love is safe and I am whole. From all my heart thank you, Melanie, you saved my life by the guidance of your work. Above all my inner compass is pointing directly to heart, body and soul-Bliss!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 21, 2019

      Hi Lou,

      I am so thrilled that you have broken through to this level, and your life has been blessed!

      Sending you many continued blessings Lou, and thank you for writing in.

      Much love to you, your son and your beautiful man.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • Sophiagentile3@gmail.com'
    Sophia
    November 21, 2019

    Enough is enough it’s time I change me

  • anneke.luijkenaar@yahoo.com'
    Anneke LUIJKENAAR
    November 21, 2019

    I just want to share my liberation statement with you Melanie. You have been a part of my healing and a great source of information and inspiration throughout all this. The text is raw but honest. Thank you for everything you have brought to me.

    LETTER:

    It occurred to me years ago – the similarities between you and my mother and others in my life who recognised my codependency where I did not recognise it at all.

    I never was able to understand how you were able to keep me on a string of texts and phone calls for eight years, being a full husband and father (I thought) in Brazil. If you were as unhappy as you purported to be why did you just not leave and set up on your own?

    But you kept telling me you loved me, that we would be together soon. You said you wanted to marry me. I was a little girl, so happy to hear from you. So desperate when you were silent. I did not understand why you would not contact me for weeks sometimes. Then I would try and close off the “relationship” but would not be able to get you out of my mind.

    My experience? I would go on a holiday with a child or with Willem and I knew you were displeased, even jealous. I felt GUILT all the time, waiting and hoping for a sign from you to say you approved of my activities. Holidays were largely unbearable because I felt so incredibly insecure. I had no idea you were enjoying holidays with your family because you did not tell me. I placed my entire value in what others think of me. I felt approval when I was home alone, because I knew then you would be happy with me.

    I built my house with only you in mind. I was so sure of us, you, our love. You kept reconfirming this with me. Your praise and approval was everything to me. I was the codependent without knowing it. I had no set of values to live by because I lived by others’ values.

    My children are all I have in my life. I am a fantastic mother. I raised them true to themselves and true to others. I raised them in freedom and liberation. I never asked for their love. I gave them all my love and they never ever judged me. They left me free as well, I was never punished for doing anything. They love me unconditionally, as I love them unconditionally. This is an area of my life and my existence that I am so proud of. They taught me life. They taught me love.

    But my codependence reared its ugly head in every other area of my life; in relationships and in work and with friends. I was not aware of this. I had built up an excellent defence: strength, fortitude, can-do, will-do, dependable, always positive, always ready to help anyone in my circle. The very weakness was also a strength and I managed a very successful career of which I am not really proud but I did do it.

    I suffered so much; weekends waiting for a sign from you. Not being able to breathe until I heard from you. I would drive to Heerlen on Sunday afternoons and by 4 o’clock not a word – I was desperate; he doesn’t love me anymore. And then maybe the releasing sign would come and I could breathe again and like myself again and oh I would be so happy. I would tell myself to stop worrying, fretting, he loves me. I was not successful.

    I met a normal enough man in 2013 and he was lovely for me and to me. Not perfect, he had his quirks but I like that. I could not recognise a nice man, a normal man. I could only recognise me as imperfect, only a nice long body with blonde hair. I was uncomfortable in his niceness and easiness. But I was drawn to him because he was so normal and so kind without one game. Still the pull to this man in Brazil, this unique individual whom I loved so much, was stronger than anything. Then I decided to tell you that we needed to be over because I wanted to go on with Arjan. I wanted to be decent and tell you. But I left the door open enough, I needed the pain. Your reaction needs no elaboration. Within two months you were here to put a ring on my finger. And I told Arjan he needed to leave. Arjan kept trying to get in touch with me, he was hurt and sad. This was not a ring you bought for me to bring and put on my finger; no I needed to explore rings and I needed to hold my heart as you were worried the credit card would not work. It became apparent who was paying for the ring; Erika. Just like I had paid for your ticket from Brazil because you had no money. But oh I was happy; I was home, with the man I loved. I finally had the approval I was so desperately looking for. Whatever secure attachment I was missing from my upbringing was finally rewarded to me in 2013! I was finally home with someone.

    Someone came to live with me in 2014 and I was in heaven. Truly in heaven. I felt home. But I did not feel safe from the first day. Your face while we visited Lindsay and newly born Amelie. Your discomfort being with me in this strange country and city. Your deep attachment to Erika and your constant texting, talking, trying with her. I discovered you had not left with her approval and acceptance. You left like a stalker in the night without informing anyone of the truth. Our holiday to Gran Canaria was the precursor of the years to come. You could not suffer the faces of the old and ugly people in the restaurant; you rejected me while I dressed up sexy in my black underwear, you hated the sun and the heat, you hated the gays in the desert, you observed how I liked lying in the sun and reading, you were insufferable in various restaurants and on walks. I was confused, hurt and felt hugely guilty and uncomfortable. My codependency, unbeknownst to me, kicked in heavily. I needed to help you, suffer you, accept you and love you even though I felt awful, ugly, disrespected, alone.

    I spent five years trying to help you, get through your stuff, accepting your paper mania, work without pay, focus on your computer, your multitude of projects and interests, your need to separate yourself in your work and computer world, your phone addiction, your multitude of selfies to post on social media, your vanity, your need to possess me exclusively, your black and white moods, your unhappiness with your family, your acceptance of Erika’s continued abuse, your children’s rejection of you, your rejection of my children and their spouses one after another, your hatred of my few friends in life, your judgement of my work, your incredible love bombing approach in how you admired and loved me, your incredible niceness and your incredible surprising meanness which came at will, your massive mood swings, your visits to hospitals to treat your heart, your pain, your misery, you refusal to accept growing up, your need for continued money infusions, your own massive overpowering deep pain and insecurity.

    I told myself many times: stop. I tried. My traumatic bond with you kept me coming back. I came back like a little girl looking for approval because I needed it so much. I had never felt more alone in a relationship. But I needed the punishment, the love addiction, the ideal of the man I knew was in there. If I just hung in there long enough you would be ok. I never thought once: when will I be ok? I was worthless in my own mind. And you confirmed this to me with your unpredictable, selfish, passive aggressive ways. I suffered huge cognitive dissonance. I did not know at all who I was any longer, if I ever knew this but I did have some kind of life before you entered it.

    Herzhogenrath was the lowest I could have gone and my job started to disappear for me as well. I had no energy, no identity left to give to anyone. Not you, not my work. Everything went downhill. And I kept blaming myself for everything that was happening. From 2016 to 2018 my world disappeared entirely. I got fat. I tried to mow the lawn on a Sunday. I shovelled compost. I got judged for planting vegetables, I did not involve you. I felt guilty. I hated myself. I was entirely lost. And yet you were even more unhappy than ever. I missed my children, my city, my home so much. I hated it there so much. I hated myself more. I lost my financial footing.

    I escaped back to Amsterdam in despair. I suffered through a police encounter, the first in my life. I still felt entirely responsible for your happiness and your situation. I paid you 10,000 Euro out of guilt. It was all my fault. I thought, around that time, that you were trying to turn me into a codependent. Little did I know I WAS the codependent to begin with.

    I took you back in 2018 with a promise from you that you had developed, settled things with Erika, were certain about me and you would contribute financially from there on in. The beginning was good, more than I could hope for. By Christmas things had disappeared into the abyss again and I told myself things need to change. I spent 500 euros to rent an apartment so we would not have to share with my flesh and blood. So you could have your privacy. So I could suffer. The DSM affair and my loss in this took up a lot of time and effort, taking away attention from you. I started to think maybe I could count on you now that I finally had peace. Maybe my job was ruining our relationship and I could make you happy by being around all the time. I just felt dirty, disposed of, sad and guilty and ashamed. This is what a codependent does. Blame herself. I take on the blame, I blame myself, I shame myself for not being good enough. I need to try harder, be more accepting, be kinder. All this gets me is the deepest crazy pain that permeates my life from early on.

    The above story needs no elucidation – it has all been said before. The new thing is my codependency, my role, my acceptance of things unacceptable. My choice to remain in a traumatic emotional bond, my defence mechanism of eating all the shit until I explode. My inability to know myself, my own values, and ENFORCING my boundaries. Not just with you but with the world.

    I believe you are indeed intelligent enough to understand not just my situation but also your own situation.
    Since a discussion with you is impossible because you are incapable of truly listening, I write this down as writing is my healing.
    My mother, John, my brothers, the ice cream man, the construction worker, numerous boyfriends, girlfriends, Theun, Cristina, Liz and you to name a few – each and every one of you took my empathy, my love, my care, and abused it to its deepest core. And I LET YOU. It is both your fault and my fault because I let it happen. You, however, recognised my deep codependence before I recognised it in me, abused me to the fullest and then dropped me like a piece of dirt. You were massively, covertly, passive aggressive. I got love bombed and gaslighted, I was your perfect target. Used, abused and discarded. And I stood by, only trying to help. I did not recognise any of my own part in this formula. I turned into the victim while the others were playing victim. I walked into the trap and did not own my own actions. I just sadly looked for the approval I have been looking for since I was born.

    Does that excuse any of you? By no means. I do not forgive one of you for doing this to a simple sweet soul that wanted nothing more than to feel safe and loved. If only I had loved myself, and not hurt myself by not honouring my own values. Values I never knew I had. Other than family. And that family saved me from myself. That is the one area that will never, ever, be touched, hurt, insulted or rejected again. That is my stronghold, my fort, my stability. Those who abuse them abuse me. The few real friends I have are my other stronghold. Equally abuse them, abuse me. Also non-negotiable.

    My very weakness of being stoic is also my strength and I thank the universe for that. My positivity is my blessing. My looks are now my strength.

    So it took me 62 years to grow up and get to know myself. But I am not broken, another victory.
    Whoever wants to enter my life will need to be emotionally healthy, honest, equal, not judge, not manipulate, and most of all will be happy or at least contented with their own being. And they will love and respect my family. Always. Once that is in place I will rejoice in learning about life together, on an equal footing. Where both of us fully own our own issues and do not project our shit on the other person.

    When I speak to you specifically Juergen, I see things clearly in terms of how you became who you are. You have major massive problems and unresolved issues and I have no idea if you have the true strength and fortitude to face any of them and then repair them. Being with me, as you say you wish to be, saying you love me, means honour, respect, kindness, emotional availability, emotional maturity, sincerity, stability, care, safety and true love.

    My values are as follows:

    Honesty
    Kind to myself
    Family
    Equality
    Trust
    Not hurt others
    Don’t judge
    Physical fitness
    Emotional health
    Respond versus react
    No manipulation
    Humility

    Not one of the above is negotiable.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 22, 2019

      Hi Anneke,

      Thank you for your beautiful and profoundly honest letter.

      I know this will help others here too Anneke as well as helping set you free.

      Thank you darling Lady for your courage and I wish you incredible healing, self partnering and return to love … to yourself.

      Mel 🙏💛💕

      • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
        T.E.
        November 22, 2019

        Hi Anneke!

        This almost made me feel goosebumps! “I had no set of values to live by because I lived by others’ values.” It’s a good reminder, to have our own values!

        Thank you for saying this: So it took me 62 years to grow up and get to know myself.

        I love it! It reminded me of something…After n abuse I wanted to work face to face with some healer. I found one online. I was 42 years old and tried to explain her my childhood and mother issues, which I feel have strongly, sadly, contributed to this situation that I attract n’s.
        But she (the healer) responded me, “but you are an adult now!”. Her face and tone of the voice reflected her blame/shame, frustration and judgement towards me. I was upset, still am. After that I have never spoken to her again and will not work with her and definitely not pay for her services!! Why would I work with a healer who does not respect me and does not take me seriously? And I was shocked, how a person who claims to be a healer and “expert in core wounds” can be so clueless?? Like she doesn’t have deeper understanding about this thing at all! Yes, I’m adult, I’m aware of that. But the wounded/younger inner parts of us doesn’t know it! As a matter of fact, the fact that I am now an adult I think enables that I have now strenght and capacity to heal the younger parts of me!
        I found another healer…and was able to locate that I had for example 4 years old child with abandonment issues and a very angry teenager “inside” of me. The fact that “I’m an adult now” doesn’t change the fact that those parts were “frozen” (stuck) in that age and trauma…and they will be forever until the specific healing work is done. No matter what our biological age is, how logical we think we are, how smart…it doesn’t help here at all! After all this healing work…I’m not hooked to the the n anymore and the terrible pain is gone! Then I found another man who seemed to be nice at first but then abusive behavior started. This time I was able to end it timely, and was like thanks, but no thanks 🙂 I was like, I don’t want to be treated this way, and when the situation didn’t improve, I just walked away. This was a huge progress to me!

        By the way, I love the Netherlands, have been there as a tourist many times <3

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