My heart goes out to you if you are faced with this very difficult question.
Maybe you are being abused by a family member and no matter how much you have tried to reason with them, stop the nastiness, or even withdraw for a while … things just aren’t getting better.
And maybe you have the beliefs that ‘family is forever’ and ‘blood is thicker than water’.
How can you protect yourself and stop getting hurt? How can you regain your lifeforce, and NOT feel guilty about saying ‘No More!’ to this person?
I promise you there is a way, where you won’t feel like you are doing the wrong thing, because when you get CLEAR, you will lovingly and powerfully offer that family member a chance to make THEIR choice. And you can do this GUILT FREE.
Find out how in this very important Thriver TV episode, which I know, if you are suffering from family narcissistic abuse, will help you so much.
Video Transcript
Today’s Thriver TV focuses on a very big question.
Many of you are suffering abuse from a narcissistic family member.
You may believe you can’t go No Contact because as we were all brought up to believe – family always sticks together, and we are responsible and have obligations to them.
Or maybe, understandably, you are forever hopeful that you can finally have the relationship with this family member that you have always wanted.
In today’s TTV episode I want to take you through this, how to know when you may need to go No Contact with an abusive family member, and what that looks like, as well as how to do it guilt and pain free.
And, if you don’t have to go No Contact, what that looks like too.
So just before we dive in, I would love to thank all of you who have subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission, and I’d love to remind you to like this video if you enjoy it!
Okay, let’s begin…
Why Are Family Relationships Deemed Harder To Disconnect From?
So many people say, ‘This is my mother, father, brother, sister or even child, HOW can I turn my back on them?’.
I can assure you that there are countless people in this Community who have laid the ultimate No Contact boundary with abusive family members, even with their own children.
It doesn’t mean that they are bad people for abandoning key family members. It means they finally realised that this person was destroying them, as well as the people and missions that were important to them.
They also understood that in no way was their involvement with this person helping them to wake up, take responsibility or get better.
Let me put it to you this way – imagine someone drowning in a toxic vat of poison, and you jumped in to try to get them out of it, and they had no inclination to leave the vat and instead just wanted to pull you deeper into it with them.
Is your sense of loyalty and love for them, or your desire for their loyalty and love worth destroying yourself for?
The fact that you are watching this episode probably means that you have already tried everything over the years to pull them out of this stinking toxic vat, but nothing has worked. And, the more you have tried, the more you are getting repeatedly slimed and infected as well.
I know you may not think you have a choice.
The ONLY choice you need to make is to live a wholesome truly healthy life. There is no other choice than that.
I promise you there will be a way that your empowered choice will grant the abusive family member their own choice, and that is – either get on board with being respectful – or don’t.
And the result will mean that you can be free to take your precious soul energy back for yourself and the people and missions in your life that are healthy. Those being the ones that will respond and come with you on this incredible journey of life.
The Thriver Quantum Truth
If you love a toxic person then you truly have a responsibility to be a living example of health to them – which is ‘I will not experience your abuse anymore. This is where I draw my line’.
That is the only way you will help them heal (if that is possible), because NOW if they want to remain connected, they will need to be a respectful decent person around you to do so.
If you honour yourself in honourable ways then you honour all of the Field, including all others.
You are not honouring anyone, and certainly not yourself, by allowing another’s abuse into your life.
I promise you that with key people in my life, including my own son, I had to lay the ultimate boundary, ‘This is what I will accept and what I won’t and there can’t be any more contact unless we meet at a healthier place’.
The most effective way to teach people how to treat you is to be lovingly and totally honest – tell difficult people that you want a more loving, closer relationship with them, and if it’s not possible then you will disconnect. And mean it. Words aren’t enough. Boundaries mean following through with action.
Unless you are TRUE to your own soul and are the steadfast guardian of it, you are never whole enough to truly love, honour or contribute to anyone else’s life anyway.
How can you be, when you are diminished, victimised, unloved, unrecognised, unappreciated and resentful?
My Journey With Family Members
I knew after previously suffering narcissistic abuse and continually staying attached trying to change people and being re-traumatised, almost fatally, that I was NEVER going to experience that again … even from my own flesh and blood.
Was I just ‘able’ to logically get to this level of being prepared to ‘lose it all to get it all’ and follow through?
Hell NO!
Once upon a time I was riddled with guilt, the fear of smearing and what people would say, and the terror of being alone and losing key family members that I had wanted a loving relationship with all my life.
I had a lot of shifting on painful, stuck beliefs to do. And I diligently did that work with NARP and later my Transforming Family of Origin Wounds Program (which follows on from NARP as a powerful clean-up of family trauma).
After doing this work and honouring my soul by speaking up about what I needed and being prepared never to compromise myself again, if respect and decency were not forthcoming, key relationships in my life transformed beyond description.
Some others have left my life without pain or regret. We just are not a match and that is okay.
I’ve let go of any ‘what ifs and regret’ with Quanta Freedom Healing. I’m free to be me, and they are free to be whatever their version of life is as well.
Downscaling Unhealthy Expectations
Okay, the most important thing you need to start understanding is not even about the family member – it truly starts with you.
There is an ACCEPTANCE you need to reach and get clear about.
If people don’t have the resources, they don’t have the resources.
You may want your mother to truly love, connect with you and share and listen to you from the heart as you have seen how other people have that with their mothers. BUT … maybe your mother is not capable of that.
Maybe she had a difficult childhood. Maybe she has never been connected to vulnerability in her heart or the ability to be deep, caring and compassionate with anyone. Maybe she only ever knew about survival and practicalities, because her generation didn’t embrace empathy and emotional connection.
When we feel like we have missed out, we need to accept they may NEVER be able to grant what we want in the way that we feel we need it from them. This means we need to come home to be the loving parent and inner supportive, caring force that we never received, to ourselves.
This is one of the reasons why NARP has been so successful for not just healing people in this community from abusive love intimate partners, it also reaches back into the trauma from our families, and clears this – from our parents and ancestors that caused us the disconnection from not loving and being whole within ourselves.
Life is bountiful and plentiful, there is love and wholeness everywhere. We suffer when we believe our source of these things has to come from specific sources. It is an incredibly liberating human graduation when we realise that this is a lie that has kept us victimised and traumatised.
You can set yourself free from this.
Understanding this was huge for me.
It truly changes everything.
Laying Your Boundaries With Family Members
If you have been healing your traumas from childhood and know that you can downscale your expectations healthily and be at peace with family member relationships then this is great.
However, if you know there are still behaviours that cross your boundaries and hurt you, then there is more work to do.
This starts by being very clear about what you will and won’t accept in your life and having the inner deservedness to know you can generate these things regardless of what other people do or don’t choose to do.
People don’t have to agree with your boundaries and truths for you to live them.
And no matter how much people may try to guilt you, manipulate you or abuse you to get you to drop your boundaries, your true power comes from living them anyway.
Here is where we champion ourselves or remain victims to others.
Are you able to walk your truth regardless?
Are you able to anchor into the Creation of your True Life, rather than keep handing your power away to others, even if you lose these people?
These are very important questions – because when you lay boundaries (truthfully and lovingly is best – more about how to soon!) you cannot be attached to outcomes.
Boundaries are NOT to make anyone do something. They are only about giving them options.
Rather, boundaries are about YOU DOING something – taking back your life and control – making your decisions about how your life goes.
It goes like this: ‘You can join me if you like, and not if you don’t. Either way, I am walking this truth regardless’.
It is normal to be terrified about having honest, difficult, self-honouring conversations. Confrontations are hard yet an incredibly rewarding thing to do.
When you get to this level, you will no longer ever be abused. If you don’t want to work on yourself to get to this level of development, you will always continue to be susceptible to abuse.
At this level of self, your life will shape into disappointing family members stepping up to meet you at this higher level of respectful communion and love, or they will leave your experience, causing your life to open up, generate and accept REAL loving and genuine connections in all areas, even if that has never been previously possible in your life.
Do you believe your soul evolution is going to get handed to you on a silver plate? Think again … it isn’t, the relationships you need to transform, or leave, were always meant to be the most painful ones that you could imagine. How else were you going to become a full source to self, generating your life with life and others powerfully and healthily?
Laying Your Boundaries With Family Members
If you can’t downscale expectations and be at peace with the way a family member behaves or treats you, then it’s time to show up honestly.
If you have terror about doing that or are not prepared to honour yourself in the decision they make – then there is inner work to do.
Ultimately, to grant them the opportunity to be respectful, you do need to be willing to lose it all to get it all.
And possibly more than once to see if it is real. They may decide to meet you ‘this’ time at your needs, yet the actions don’t meet the words in the future. Then you go back to No Contact unless they choose to take responsibility and show up respectfully.
And … you need to mean it.
Can you see how this is THEIR choice and not yours?
You are simply living your life truthfully and lovingly (love always starts with healthy self-love and devotion). You are healing, growing and evolving yourself out of painful family toxicity and leading the way for your future generations.
You are breaking the cycles of abuse.
You are being the change that you want to live in your life, and see in this world and in all families, from the inside out.
That is not just your Soul Right it is your Soul Contribution to ALL others.
Can you understand that if we all took that level of radical personal responsibility that there would be no more abuse or abused people in the world?
Let’s go back to the vital understanding – If you honour yourself, you honour all of Life in honourable ways.
Now do you understand why? Especially with KEY people in your life?
If so – write ‘I get it’ below.
Are you ready to join myself and other countless Thrivers who live this life of empowered personal responsibility and receive wonderful genuine interpersonal relationships?
If you have had enough of abuse at any level, including from family members, find out HOW we do this by clicking this link.
And if you enjoyed this video make sure you give it a thumbs up and share with the people you love and your communities so that they and their families can also break free from abuse.
I’m so looking forward to answering your comments and questions about this very important topic below.
I GET IT AND DID IT now doing it with others sick of being treated like dirt.
That is so great Alexsondra!
Mel 🙏💕💛
I get it and doing it
Thank you so much Melanie! I finally realized my adult daughter has NPD. After years of chasing after her to get that one experience that was great and feeling so guilty because I was a single mother, I am ready to do No Contact. You have strengthened me in the decision to go No Contact. BTW I have a son who has been through it with her and he and I are very close. I love my daughter, but I don’t like what she does. I know I can’t help her and I have left it up to God. Anyway, my question is this: I have two teenage grandsons whom I have been close to and been with since they were born. Of course, she uses them to manipulate me. How does this No Contact affect those relationships? I know that if I am strong I can help them when they are older and not living with her and their father, and realize that I may have no relationship with them in the meantime. I have no problem with doing No Contact with her, but am wondering about the grandsons. Could you address this in a video or blog sometime and please respond to this email. I can’t thank you enough and told my sister about you since she is living with a husband who has NPD!
Hi Joy,
it’s my pleasure.
My heart goes out to you, and I congratulate you for being true to you.
Please know you by honouring yourself and living authentically, authentic love and connection come. What I find is that so many people in this community who do make the choice you are about to do,and heal and just ‘be’ love – connections with their grandchildren emerge.
I hope this grants you faith.
Much love to you and your family.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank you Mel for addressing this topic. I finally went NC with one of my sisters (who is a Narcissist) in June this year after 30 years of trying to make a real relationship with her & only getting abuse, coldness & rejection in return. It took me this long to realise that by waiting for her to apologise & start treating me better I was just playing her Narcissistic games. It felt so good to finally tell her that I was going NC with her & why. Since then I have felt like a huge weight has been lifted off me & I have much more energy & joy available to me – I feel I can finally enjoy being myself. Thanks Mel for the confirmation that what I’m doing is positive – it helps a lot – Cheers Kalyi ☺
Yay Kayli,
that is beautiful!
Power to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Jesus said love your neighbor AS you love yourself. I thought about the word AS….along side. Or the same way…
I am going through a similar situation with my stepdaughter who has 5 children. I was so very glad to see your post as you are the only person I know of that can relate to what I’m going through. I spent 23 years praying, talking with other family members of my own family but no one is able to understand what I’m going through. My mother is also narcissistic and has stepped up her attacks because she is bound and determined to come live with me because I “‘am the sensible one. The attentive one. The only one that cares.'” I go no contact with her and my stepmother but they keep trying to get back in. Plus we are forced together by the holidays, illnesses, funerals etc.
Thanks for sharing your story. I had asked the LORD this morning if there was anyone on this planet going through what I am going through? And you showed up here. I understand completely what you’re going through. I’m sorry that you have experienced this but it is nice to know someone understands this.
S.M.
Narcissists will not change. When you set boundaries which they belatedly ‘respect’, they will look for other boundaries to break. That’s what makes them tick. It’s best to go no contact once and for all.
Yes, Melanie is Excellent with advice about the ‘significant other’ narcissist
but I find she is lacking in knowledge of narcissistic family members,
probably because she has not really experienced it. It is a nightmare.
I went no contact with my 4 children. They are all narcissists to one degree or another, one is actually a narcissist/sociopath.
I felt bad about it, cousins are telling me I’m an awful person to turn my back on my kids.
But the lesson I have learned is, nothing good ever comes from a narcissist. My life is much better now without them. I no longer stay around anybody that I have walk barefoot among the glass anymore.
Good for you! I did same with my three and life is peaceful!
I GET it and did NC with the whole FOO and strict MC with the in-laws. When I saw the elderly narcissistic mother in hospital recently, (she asked to see me after 3 years NC), I went with zero expectations and not surprisingly her first words were accusatory. I took my husband for safety, and she doesn’t like him, but she ended up having to make conversation with him. I had healed enough to quietly and calmly say to her “let’s not go there today mum”. For the very first time in my life, she stopped talking and guilting me. Sadly there was no emotional connection to her. It felt like our connection as mother and daughter was devoid of any softness or tenderness. It felt very strange. I felt the void. I am letting her go emotionally and physically as she is a complete stranger to me. My husband remarked ” I think you were so brave. She was so cold to you”. All I wanted to give her was compassion. Now I can move on, and finish grieving for my whole family. No doubt there will be other issues when she finally passes away.
I am in strict MC with the in-laws. The n SIL abused me for over 30 years over the phone, and where others could not hear her. The MIL and her manipulated my husband and I for the same amount of time etc. The other two siblings were less abusive, but not healthy. I join in with family occasions when I feel like it. My husband mostly goes on his own. Interestingly out of his other 3 siblings, not one of them has a significant other. I am respectful of the MIL still buying small gifts, birthday, Xmas and Mother’s day. I don’t phone her, nor invite her to my home anymore. There has been too much bad behaviour.
I am finding that my health is my top priority, and any stress is just not worth it. It takes courage and perserverance, and I listen to my inner being. I spent far too much of my life pleasing others, and caring about what they think. This is such an important topic Melanie for many of us. I feel immensely grateful for your continued efforts, to get the message out to people, who are not able to live healthy thriving lives yet. Much love xox
Hi Renee,
I so love that you are backing your soul and health.
Power to you beautiful lady you are a true Thriver!
Thank you for your beautiful words and for being such a supporter of the Thriver Mission – you are always welcome Renee.
Much Love
Mel 🙏💕💛
I GET IT. I ended up giving up a 28 year partnership. It was so hard but the right decision. I am currently learning how to be a source to myself.
That’s brilliant MaryAnn,
Bless!
Mel 🙏💕💛
I went NC with my father 40 years ago and until Narp, had never met another person who had left their family because of narcissism. I knew it was him or me. Literally, so I left, moved to CA and have had a good life. Still getting involved with narcs, though, so working NARP is crucial.
Hi Joy,
I am so happy for you that you found the power to honour you.
Keep at NARPing you truly will get there!
Blessings and breakthroughs to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
I get it =) <3 <3
Thank you Melanie!!
Awesome Hannah,
yaya!!
My pleasure!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Love, love, love it!!
Yet- How do I apply this to a family member dear to heart who is not a narcissist but who doesn’t respect my boundaries ?
I minimized contact yet any contact leaves me drained..
Jane sweetheart,
truly why would it be any different?
Darling heart this is about YOUR values and truth and being the guardian of your soul – its never about them!
Mel 🙏💕💛
.great article Melanie. Rings true to heart. I have gone no contact with my mother now for almost two years and feel so much better but I still feel the guilt of what ‘might have been’ if things could have changed. Over my lifetime, I have tried and tried to downscale expectations, but as someone else commented, she has consistently looked for other boundaries to break. I can’t seem to get her to accept any responsibility and honour my boundaries. No contact is therefore the best option but feel I need her to see it is her choice. How do I do this or is it best to leave sleeping dogs lie? I am getting on with my life now but still have a heavy heart.
Hi Lauren,
I am so pleased this resonates with you.
I really want you to know Lauren that with QUanta freedom healing all of thee heavy feelings can be removed.
I’d love you to come into my free webinar and experience this – http://www.mwlanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
Mel 🙏💕💛
I get it, but maybe not fully because I’m still feeling guilt.. but after this video less. I’ve cut contact with my ENTIRE narcissistic family of origin. I supposed that they are not willing to treat me with respect and stop scapegoating me, that they never will. I didn’t have open conversation with them based on setting agreements or boundaries etc, they are too abusive, too unrespectful and cut from emotionality. Or my role as a scapegoat is so strongly set up, that nobody wants to even imagine to change it. I’ve only spoken with my mother honestly about her behaviour and how it affects me. I didn’t believe in her words, in change, it was my really STRONG intuition about how things gonna be if I don’t cut the contact. It was the hardest, the most tragic time in my life, to decide to quit contact and stick to this decision. Now it’s sooo much better, I’ve endured the biggest schock and trauma of feeling completely alone, without family, I don’t have even close friends. But NARP helped me enormously….. and I needed to really allow to be weak and strongly supported, by several good souls that came into my reality and who responded to my craving, request for support, to be able to move on and get stronger. I also joined transformative course, where support field is really strong, so I absorbed it… to anyone who wants to cut contact – you will make it, if I did, you can too 🌹 I’m sending lots, lots of support to anyone willing to cut contact. Sending much love and strength. Thank you Melanie for the program. And for the video, it lifted me up 🌸
Oh, and I wanted yet to add – I was amazed, how many new narcissists/difficult/or abusive people showed up in my life in this time! I was so weak, so in despair. And still with many toxic dynamics inside, that attracted toxic people. I so craved support, but attracted predators, who saw my vulnerability, loneliness and weakness that was present hugely at my weakest time. I needed to really hold on to big awareness on what’s going on, because many abusive men came to my reality and I knew that I needed to first do the deep inner work. And not to soothe my brokenness and need for love with another wolf in sheep’s clothing. I knew that because Melanie wrote it or spoke about it in some video. That up until we will not clear the unhealthy dynamics, attracting narcissists to us, than they gonna show up in our reality. Uff, tough time, but with NARP everything is possible 💙💙💙
It is so true Justyna,
if we want others to save us, then narcissists circle like sharks on an injured fish.
Keep turning inwards hun to heal and empower you. You’ve got this and we have got tyou!
Mel 🙏💕💛
♥️♥️♥️
Hi Justyna,
please know those feelings are so normal, and I said in the blog I couldn’t just ‘decide’ to get over those feelings l truly had to do the inner work to release and heal from them, sweetheart please know you can target and release these with NARP. Module 6 is really powerful for exactly that.
I know its hard and big hugs to you, and truly there is no need to express the boundary if the behaviour has been frightful – you have done the only right thing to do.
Justyna, you should be so proud of you, I am proud of you – and please come into the NRAP Forum for extra needed support – we are here for you – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
Much Love
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank you Melanie for your support and your message, for your kindness, light and love that uplifts everyone ❤
Yes… Module 6, hm for some reasons I’ve avoided this module, or didn’t engage much with it. But I’ve done it yesterday, and you are right, it helped.
It’s so true like you mentioned in some video, that some people may think that some module is not related to their problem, symptoms and then they ignore the module. But then often it turns out that this specific module helped them a lot. It was the case with me, with somehow avoiding module 6.
I also try to “avoid” module 3 – hmmm i guess it’s difficult one for me. But I’m gonna do it.
Much love and gratefulness 🌹
You are welcome Justyna,
It’s soooo my pleasure.
Sweetheart it is truly the Modules we avoid the most that are the ones we most need!
Bless you hun!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Justyna,
I was able to relate to A LOT of what you said about going no contact with your family. I have also been the scapegoat in my family of origin and I also had to go no contact with all of them. At the beginning, I felt absolutely shattered, but I feel stronger and stronger EVERY DAY, and now I know I am really getting my life and my self back. It’s a good feeling, isn’t it? I am proud of you and I am proud of me. I am proud of all who gather up their courage and make their life their own.
We are strong, we’re getting stronger and stronger and we will make it! I’m proud of you too. Yes it’s a great feeling…
Sending lots of courage to everyone hesitating with cutting toxic relationships with toxic people. You deserve more, you deserve best of the best! 💚
Had just completed my draft boundary letter this morning setting up no contact with parents….then this appears…. A great insight to how I can uplevel my letter and self
Perfect timing, thank you!
That’s so great RP,
Bless!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Melanie; I had to go no contact with my entire family of narcs (Father, 3 sisters and 1 brother). The only person I have contact with is my Mother. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done especially since I was programmed to believe family was everything. Everything became so obvious when they all ganged up to hate on my new husband, with zero regard for me. When I didn’t take their side I was disloyal in their eyes. I felt zero support or love from them though I spent a lot of time trying to communicate my feelings but left me feeling like i would be better off having a conversation with the wall. I had to disconnect from them. I’ve never known anyone else that left their entire family and have spent a lot of time feeling guilty or feeling I did something wrong. I am currently working with your program and feeling somewhat better. I realize I’m not the crazy one.
Anyone else had to go no contact with multiple family members?
Hey Nina, yes me! I’ve cut contact with narcissistic family, like you. Great job that you’ve done that! I’ve written a comment under this video, too. Sending much support and love, Justyna
Hi Nina,
I am so pleased that you are working with NARP to get through this.
As I say so often to members here on the blog, please come into the private member’s forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member which is all a part of the NARP package, (for free) that allows you to get really specialised support and communion. There are many people in there that yes, absolutely have gone No Contact with multiple and sometimes all family members.
You are so not crazy sweetheart – and you will heal up and beyond this – absolutely.
Lots of love and big hugs to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Nina,
You are absolutely not alone and you are absolutely right to do this! I also had to go no contact with my entire family (both of my parents, a brother and a sister-in-law). I just want to encourage you to keep going. Keep getting healthier and happier every day!
Me, I went NC with my Dad and all the sudden his sister, that had no time for me before that, moved in. Just like the sharks Mel talks about.
By this time I was learning what these people were all about. I wondered why cousins from that side of the family were so damaged.
Deleted, blocked and removed all that generation and the one above [who all show the same characteristics in relating to me].
Very happy now.
Realized the need was to set boundaries and let them be responsible for their decision not to honor those boundaries [after my Dad, I could pretty much predict what was going to happen with the others…]. Toxic people are not loving family.
We end up feeling guilt, hurt and ANGER when they don’t respond to us in a loving way and we are forced to make the NC decision in order to take care of ourselves.
Because we operate as loving compassionate people, we expect that others will also.
Narc’s are missing that physical brain capacity.
As one commenter said, “I’m not deserting them. I’m running away to save my life!”
I get it. It’s like your videos give me the power to do the next step every day. Really like you know what I am going through.
So grateful.
Hi Christine,
I am so pleased you feel supported.
Mel 🙏💕💛
BF,
Melanie Thank you!
I cut off contact with my parents when i was 46 yrs old after i allowed myself to be reduced to a life of emotional pain with many illnesses and deep trauma. I was re-traumatized each time i tried to draw boundaries or speak truthfully. I emailed to explain my decision to step back because of their disrespect and naturally they projected i had a problem – I had a strong sense of beginning a new and healthy branch to the family with my own children … unfortunately i suffered guilt and struggle for 7 yrs and eventually reconnected because they were getting old and i felt i should be there in their old age.
I reconnected for 5 yrs in which time the scapegoating and appalling disrespect from my mother eventually escalated and I became so vividly aware of my siblings inability to be kind or caring or respectful and the convenience they all enjoyed of having a scapegoat in the family.
This year I have finally stepped out of all of their lives totally …my four adult daughters have been watching, waiting for me to love myself enough to stand firm…I had invested so much in trying to love my family of origin members, through relating healthfully and supportively …it took my heart such a long time to understand …they just were not interested … again and again i found myself in shock, confounded and traumatized by their behavior …. Though I consider myself as having deep inner strength and a strong sense of my inner child and very aware of my loving internal space ….it’s as though I was receiving electric shocks and was too inculturated to into their behaviour and the idea of family, to really register the level of abuse. My own adult children meanwhile “suffering” as i inevitably drew conversations around myself and my family of origin and my distress.
Earlier this year I cut off in stages from the entire family of origin ….(there were many deeply painful and distressing catalysts for which I am now grateful ) and the freedom is sweet and intoxicating … there is no longer any guilt or self condemnation or internal wars.
However during that last five years of contact with FOO …I see i was compromising instead of fully embracing inner healing, i forfeited an opportunity to be a stronger model of healthful behaviour to my adult children …. most have come through to be outstandingly, kind,sensitive, boundaried and aware humans however one of my adult children is grappling deep in the clutches of NPD … (with a formal diagnosis) .
This video just now has been so so supportive …and your work is so amazingly accurate, helpful and essential …had I had this clarity available 40 years ago the path would have been far far less circuitous.
Keep up the fantastic work and as you well know the damage down though generations will be significantly reduced.
Thank you for having the courage to embrace this mission.
Hi BF,
I am so pleased you are out and honouring you.
Even BF if we leave it to later, we are still a healthy example for those we love. Please know it is never too late, you should be very proud of you.
It’s my pleasure and much love to you.
Mel 🙏💕💛
I get it!
You just hit me with topic. I drow it into my life when I seek for answers …thank you universe and you ofcourse:) I have toxic relantiotip with my brother. Our parents pass away few years ago. We were ok until jelousy started form him. Until then he verbaly abuse me, humiliate me, constant competition..so many ugly words he said to me..we lost ourselves..I try to explain that I want good relantionship but he alwalys say that I must change to have one.. there is big gap betwen our belives , we are so different, different lifes.. we have our own families and we all dont funcion together well.. I lost so many energy in this relationship..I dont know to do enymore…:(
Thanks Melanie! As an empath setting boundaries has been very difficult and painful for me, yet with your help I have gone no contact with my parents and 3 siblings, and minimal contact with my ex narc and mother of 3 kids, and I have spring cleaned my friends closet too! This has all been a process since January, I only learned about NPD in January, and that my ex, mother and grandmother all have NPD, my ex has Breast cancer and is refusing treatment, it has been a soul rollercoaster, thank you for your advice and love, Your NARP course has been life saving for me, and my beautiful 3 kids too,please come to Ireland!
Source
Of
Unconditional
Love
❤️🦋X
I GET IT!!
IVE GOT THIS!!
Hi Brian,
I am so please NARP has helped you and your children, and you have set these boundaries.
I love that you have GOT this!
Bless you Brian
Mel 🙏💕💛
Well this Thriver video was for me. Took over 20 years and joining NARP, to understand what has been so bewildering for so long. There has been no contact several times, not my choice then or in my understanding. This time it is my choice. Now I understand. But then up she pops on NARP. Down I’ve gone again. Stress levels through the roof. An ECG has shown my heart is enlarged. Head aches , chronic pain. I have the modules, but have decided the blog is not for me. So have to start again. It’s so very sad. I truly hope you can help her. I know I can’t. Much lovexx
Hi Sue,
truly it is about keeping releasing with NARP what is triggered, so that you can emerge stronger and stronger, honouring you.
You can do this Sue, and please know that the NARP Member’s Forum is such a wonderful place to receive support when needed http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕💛
I have gone no contact with my abusive now elderly mother, best thing i’ve ever done. That wasn’t the tricky bit though. All my life i took her abuse as normal life. I was still with this childhood thing of it being too insettling to question your mother’s parenting and i didn’t even react to massive heartbreaking bouts of abuse but felt bad all the time thinking there was something wrong with me. Other family members did react though and took her up on it. Then i thought wait a minute, i would never do that to my child and it is horrible, what else has she done? I went back one thing after the other, the scales fell off my eyes and i grasped the full extent. I was then able to clear with QFH the anger, the disgust, the victimization and especially the fundamental tenet of my very reason to exist according to her which was that I had no right to a life of my own outside being of use to her as both a negative emotion dustbin and a source of narcissistic supply.
I am still a bit puzzled at times as to what do I do with this beautiful life and how do I live it for me as me and not someone’s tragic appendage. I would have never got there without NARP. Only let in the good things in and keep the bad out, too bad if it’s a family member, you owe it to yourself and chances are it’s long overdue.
Hi Angelique,
that is so great that you have come this far and I’m thrilled that NARP helped you release so many of these traumas.
Please know Angelique that NARP can help you get to the next stages powerfully, and we would love to help you get fully released into your incredible life.
I can’t encourage you enough to come into the NARP Member’s forum for support in your next powerful steps. http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
It is SO your time to shine beautifully Angelique.
So much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
I get it, thank you <3
It’s my pleasure Gloria.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Melanie, Thank you. I do so get it! Your video’s have helped me regain the clarity and value in myself that I had lost along the way. I have always “beat to my own drum” (said in a snarky voice) and now I own it as one of my greatest gifts. I have blinged up that shoddy drum and proudly play it. This video shone a light of validation for me and changed my voice from a whiney “why not me?” to a content and grounded “yep I am, I can and I do” Again, Thank you
Hi Arlene,
I am so pleased they help, and that you feel grounded in your True Awesome You.
Many blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie,
I have seen you and your son in videos together, so he also used to be NPD?
How did you handle this? because now you seem to have a positive relationship and he seems very sensitive and supportive.
Maybe understanding your journey can help me how to deal with one of my family members as well..
thank so much, for your beautiful words and insights,
warm regards
Hi Aurelie,
no he was not NPD, he was trauma ridden and suffering out of control addictions to try to self-medicate the pain.
I handled this by holding my boundaries, removing him and his abuse physically from my life, then doing inner healing on the way I saw him and applying Quanta Freedom Healing (NARP) to his inner traumas by proxy.
The shift was miraculous and I totally believed saved his life as well as our relationship.
I can’t recommend NARP as the centerpiece to our life and interpersonal relationships enough, no matter how they will ultimately unfold http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
With NARP not only comes the tools to heal ourselves and others, but an incredible Community who are specialists at achieving these results to help guide you where they have gone http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
You are so welcome Aurelle, and I hope my answer helps.
Mel 🙏💕💛
I totally get this. No contact with toxic and or narcissistic family members is a must. Setting boundaries that I don’t allow them to cross has been very empowering. I feel safe, relieved and never guilt ridden. There are people who are related to you who assume you should put up with their attacks, mistreatment and disloyalty. I’ve had family members accuse me of being antisocial because I choose not to interact with some of them. I keep my distance and keep them out of my life and am totally fine with that. After ending a long-term relationship with a narcissist, I gained some clarity on unhealthy, toxic relationships that didn’t honor me. That included some family members. cousins in my case. I’m still working on the no contact with my ex who I only speak to by phone once a year or so. Those calls are brief as he no longer attempts to cross any boundaries with me. He seems to realize I’m no longer an available source of energy for him to deplete. I still have some work to do on this in not thinking of him or talking to him at all. The blogs, the Thriver videos, and this online community have been very helpful.
Hi Dee,
this is great that you feel empowered!
You will get to that next step of fully letting go … absolutely!
Much love to you and I’m glad my material helps.
Mel 🙏💕💛
I went no contact with my brother and my daughter last May 2018 it was very very painful and my depression and anxiety attacks came back and I have had to take medication for the panic attacks BUT i have remained no contact it is very difficult BUT I know the toxic abuse will continue so I thank you and agree that it is there choice!!!!! and they cannot come back into my life unless they choose to respect me and stop acting abusively in my presence. thank you for all that you do and teach it is very very helpful xoxoxoxo
Hi Sandie,
I am pleased this has helped you feel more solid and relieved with your choice.
Mel 🙏💕💛
“there is love and wholeness everywhere. We suffer when we believe our source of these things has to come from specific sources. It is an incredibly liberating human graduation when we realise that this is a lie that has kept us victimised and traumatised.”
Thanks again, Melanie, for this vital reminder. The heartbreak I felt after going no contact with my entire family of origin was because I had completely unrealistic expectations of them and wanted them to treat me with respect and compassion the way that I have treated them. Of course I deserve that, but I am finally letting go of my expectations of them. I will focus on my own life from now on and focus on giving respect and compassion TO MYSELF.
Hi Ang,
I am so pleased this resonated with you and filled you with love for you and your life.
Many blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
I get it! Thank you Melanie for opening my eyes!
Hi Donna,
it’s my pleasure.
Mel 🙏💕💛
I Get it. I am getting better and better at honouring true and authentic self and being my own soothing inner parent. Thankyou so much for this article Melanie I could really relate to it. Very affirming. I particularly love how you put into words that in honouring ourselves we are doing both ourselves and everyone else a favour because everyone needs to know how to be this love. Thankyou xo
A heart felt message to you, I have been receiving your emails for a couple of years and not listened nor read one of them. Today was different, I listened and watched and enjoyed your video very much. Resonating very deeply with me, due to disengaging from my daughter and my daughter doing the same to me. After receiving numerous abusive texts daily and feeling heart broken, I have gained help from your video, thank you so much, and look forward to your next email.
With kindness and love,
I’ve recently gone completely no contact with my sister in law. She’s a stealth narcissist and the most sneaky 2-faced person I’ve ever known. She feels entitled to sabatoge her family’s relationships and somehow keep them stuck to her like a ball and chain with them blaming themselves for all her mood swings and back stabbing.
She gave my husband so much misery when he wanted to marry me that he made it clear that if she stayed like that he didn’t need a relationship with her. She totally apologized and begged forgiveness with big crocodile tears and started giving me all kinds of gifts and compliments and told him that since she loved him she would support his life decisions etc. He was so convinced he gave in and kept her around.
Neither my husband nor I knew what a narcissist was and we spent years living with her trying to undermine our trust of each other and saying to me that he wasn’t happy with me. . Sometimes my husband would get sick of the drama and suggest we distance ourselves but she’d guilt me into patching things up and it would be the same when I would begin to suspect her of just plain not having a conscience she would get him to do the same. Other times she’d make eerie comments about how I would die soon and then be super nice and I’d get really confused. Of course she would deny everything and make it look like I was super sensitive and took things out of context. And she always had a skill for getting a “witness” who would back her, usually one of her parents.
It took a lot of heartache and patience and love of each other and finding Melanie on pinterest to get us out. By the time we figured things out I’d been having nightmares and panic attacks and was so frazzled that I didn’t even bother explaining anything to her and I don’t think I need to.
I’m saying this because it’s not worth it to try to understand these people, to keep giving them more chances family or not. They’ll just use your good intentions to totally destroy you if they can and you may not even catch on till its too late. Thank God we got things straightened out in time. Yes, she’s still out there campaigning and lying and trying to get me to “explain” what could possibly be the matter but she’s not my problem now so I don’t care.
A big thanks to you Melanie for all your videos and your book!
Hi Kelly,
Gosh you poor things – what you have been through.
I am so pleased for you that you got clear and said ‘No More.’
Sending you healing and happiness.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Melanie, thank you for this topic. I have been NC with my mom and siblings. I feel so much better without contact. It is all manipulation and getting soccer punched for all different directions. I see that I had married my ex- trying to get away from that, but married the same thing. You spoke to exactly what is happening with me. After 3 yrs of working on and trying to reestablish a relationship with my daughter, who is now 35. It turns out it was just a sham… But I now have a grandson. I spent 2 1/2 yrs with him, driving 2 1/2 hrs to watch him when she needed me to and be in his life. I set a small boundary and she could not handle it. It jeopardized my job. I felt that after 3 yrs of what I thought was reconnection, a real relationship has give and take. She screamed at me in front of my grandson and told me to leave. I know it is her stuff, not mine. But, the heartache is that this is modeled for this beautiful, loving sweet child. These are the formative years and now this will be passed to the next generation. When I am with my daughter, it feels like I am with my ex-husband who created Parental Alienation. My other daughter committed suicide at 15. It is as if I am losing my 2nd child, but I am not willing to be treated this way. I have been doing NC. I wrote her a letter, releasing her with love and told her the ball is in her court if she wants a relationship. She relayed that she didn’t read my letter because she doesn’t want any drama. So there is no way to communicate.
I am at peace. I did my part. There is no relationship – I have been treated horribly by my mother and have not treated her that way. She was taught well by my ex husband. It is just about being cut off from my grandson. This was perfect timing & the perfect subject for me to stay steadfast. I was starting to wonder what I should do with holidays, and to have the best outcome for my grandson. But, I AM NOT WILLING to SELL MY SOUL. I crossed to the other side. I knew that I am the one breaking the cycle. It was a powerful point you made about the Quantum effect. Thank You… the pushback from other family members is intense – I am the bad one. Just suck it up…..I did for years and became a wrecking ball! Thanks for the work that you do & I am thinking this should be my lifes work as well. It is a different beast. Like you, I have done so much work, but the root hasn’t been pulled.
With Gratitude,
Barbara
Hi Barbara,
It’s my pleasure.
Barbara my heart goes out to you for all that you have experienced and for your losses.
Sometimes we come in with big stuff to heal – and I want you to know with every cell of my being that there is a better and greater experience awaiting you on the other side of all of this.
Are you in our wonderful NARP Community? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
I would so love to see you there.
All my love
Mel 🙏💕💛
This information has been invaluable for me. I think just to read others comments and share experiences helps with the emotional dilemnas we experience when we come up against a narcissist. We are just starting a process of NC with our son. He now lives in Holland with his Dutch wife and two beautiful children. Our son is the Agent for his wife and we have had to stand up to her for the best part of 20 years. Now, he appears so brainwashed in his conversations, he talks of being weary, depressed and isolated, of nobody from home caring about him. He is a teacher in a high pressure job. Theres so much about his wife, too much to relate, in the years she has blighted our lives, worked relentlessly to divide us from the close family we were as our 3 children were growing up. They moved from the UK to Holland 2 years ago. We Facetimed the children weekly and got into the habit of making sure we see them reguarly, either us going there, or through their visits here. Every visit has been jeopardised by her behaviour. Her children love us dearly, as we do them and they are upset when we have to leave. The eldest little girl (8) is so aware of the tension and we try our best to try and avoid this, as they constantly ask us when they can come to see us, but we have no positive answers for them. tAfter boycotting our Golden Wedding Celebrations a few weeks ago and refusing that the children be allowed to be part of the party, no cards, no acknowlegement of the milestone we’d reached, we made space, more because we felt so angry and disappointed. In the last week, our son has made contact again and we attempted to have a reasonable conversation with him. This went on for 4 hours, with her in the background listening to every word. She leaves us no room for time with our son. He does not accept her faults, sees only one side. He is starting to feel so alienated from us. He cries and shouts in frustration. On rare occasions we are allowed to share moments on our own with him he gets upset and tells us he loves us. Within a few days his behaviour can switch right back to being a ‘flying monkey’ for her. When he first met her, we put her rudeness down to cultural differences and being ‘Dutch’. We accepted her in the family and welcomed her, but it was almost like she had an aversion to close family relationships. She talked of ‘hating’ her only sibling as they were growing up. She told varying tales of her upbringing, some positive, others negative. She told us from the outset she didn’t ‘do family Christmas’ and still doesnt with her own children, refuses to buy presents. She elaborated on her qualifications, literally walked out of 3 jobs, because she didnt like Managers, or being managed! Since being in Holland, she works from a loft, marketing for the UK company she worked for. Her jealousies towards her own children after they were born were clearly evident. She encouraged our son to tell us we didnt love him any more, we only cared about our grandchildren, yet every opportunity she would demand we helped her in taking them to stay from very young, but we enjoyed the time spent with them. On other occasions she told us we ‘always let them down’. She caused drama at every family event and was adept in turning it round to blaming someone else. She is jealous of our daughter and her achievements, she berates my intelligence, albeit I am more highly qualified than her academically. I have a lifetime disability and she describes that as ‘always having something worse than everyone else’. She is self opinionated and has a strong need to be in control. She has encouraged my son to break contact with his elder brother who has Autism. This is only a snapshot of how our life has run, until we stumbled across narcissism a few years ago and it was a revelation as to the devastating effects it has on family life. We have read up on every aspect of it. Now we have learned to challenge more when she gets into confrontation, as my son often told us to do when she upset us in the early days. Our son’s situation, however, does worry us, as it seems life has got worse for him since we’ve had the distance between us. Hes still trying to be her Agent in defending her, but we feel he’s now her victim while we are not around. So our decision for NC is relatively recent and we are respecting his decision to need space to ‘heal’ from his current depression. We feel she still wants us in their lives, but only in the victim role and we are now adamant that is not going to happen. Im glad to see on here that others have taken the plunge to do the same, as there are still elements of guilt around making this decision and we’ve probably got a long way to go, as we are also jeopardising the mutual love for our son and our grandchildren, which now have to be put on hold so we can move on to a more fulfilling life, but we are now clear she will never change and our son has built himself a psychological barrier towards her behaviour, which will be very hard to break after all this time. I hope and pray we get there in the end. I do wish this could all be profiled more in society and awareness raised for those who carry on being affected by the narcissist in their midst, who they havent yet recognised as such.
Thank you for helping through advice and comments.
Hi Madeleine,
I am so sorry you and your husband have been suffering this.
It heartbreaking when we see someone we love not waking up and being stuck.
Truly all you can do is live authentically and pray and ‘see’ and hold the space for your son and grandchildren to emerge from this.
Sometimes a Higher Power needs to step in to change what we simply can’t.
Love and best wishes to you all.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie!
My problem is not so much that family members are actively abusive, more like they are just…passive. The problem seems to be they have already been years in “no contact”, I mean no emotional connection. It hurts me, not every day, but when I’m around them in family dinners etc. No meaningful conversations, no hugs, no emotional connection, genuine interest towards me, it’s more like small talk and talking about weather and such things, I feel I’m often treated like I don’t even exist. I don’t know if it’s just a question of their character, they’re just busy, absent-minded, or just “clueless”…or that they don’t like me. Should I try to fix something that is not really broken, but more like non-existing? It is normal, bening, that adult family members do not necessarily have chemistry and common interests? I often feel my whole being and soul is really longing for a real, meaningful, warm connection…this hurts my heart but sometimes I feel I can have a better and more humane connection when I talk in gym or at the bus stop 15 minutes with a complete stranger than with my family members! What can I do, is there any way I can make my relationship better with family members in this kind of case? They are just cold and distant, maybe not even intentionally.
But one of my sisters I feel is abusive though. She hasn’t really talked to me in years. I don’t really mind, because I don’t want this kind of negative person in my life. I think she has had a strange character for years. Many years ago when I was a university student and as a part of the studies I worked couple of months in a company. Yes, I had a boss who was a handsome man. My sister was so bitterly, furiously envious, because I “had such a great intimate relationship with my boss”. Gosh, at that time I was still an innocent university student and a virgin, I haven’t had sex or relationship with anyone yet and definitely not with my boss! I don’t know should I even try to defend myself against accusations that are simply bizarre and not true? And besides, if I do would have sex with a boss or any man, it’s simply none of my sister’s business!! Why she is behaving this way??
I think she doesn’t like me, resents me and it always angry at me, simple because I’m just me! I haven’t done or said anything bad to her, she is just envying me and therefore I need to tolerate this constant stream of negativity from her. What can I do with this? She makes me feel quilty, like I didn’t deserve a good life. It feels so unfair, she thinks I’m all the time enjoying an “easy life” and therefore resents me. What she doesn’t know at all, because she doesn’t bother to get to know the reality of my life, the past 5 years I have struggled with n abuse and then the next 2 years done enormous amount of healing work to save my life and sanity. We all know what kind of a tough journey that is…yeah, so much for the “easy life”… :/
Hi Elina,
Truly hun it is about you doing the inner work on the parts of you that feel triggered so that it doesn’t hurt – that is if you decide to participate in these dinners.
Chances are you are not going to change them, but you can deeply and powerfully change you – that is what the NARP Module work http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp is all about – and also by doing that what it will do is bring such a powerful wholeness and inner solidness and love to your inner being in your everyday life.
This is the wonderful thing about Life and people triggering us – is that we get to evolve and up-level ourselves!
Please know MANY families from our generation are like this!
You are right about your sister … totally … it is none of her business. And truly what she thinks about you is NONE of YOUR business. What you think about you can be healed within you and then you won’t give a toss what she thinks – the emotional painful trigger will be gone.
That’s the real inner work hun.
At the deeper TRUE soul level ‘why is she doing this?’ .. because she is hitting something within you that you can heal within you.
Then it will stop – truly.
That’s how when living the Qunaatum WAy you can take your power back and heal and change your life beyond description.
I really hope this makes sense to you beautiful lady.
Sending you blessings and breakthroughs.
Mel 🙏💕💛
THANK YOU!! It’s comforting to know many families are like this…and that it is not my fault. I love what you talk about acceptance. Like what one life coach talked about accept vs. approve. Yes, I can now accept that my family members are like this, but I do not approve it, of course it is “not nice”!
I also loved this one: “We suffer when we believe our source of these things has to come from specific sources.” This is something I have never known/heard before.
This is something I’ve been thinking about for years…You know, I have even done courses and read books about finding “the one”. I think almost all women have! Of course I want to find a healthy, long lasting relationship, for sure someone can be a “perfect match” or “ideal partner”…but I think I’ve become allergic to this concept of “the one”. I think I’ve also started to hate the word “soul mate” 🙂 After the n abuse, I think I’d be happy with “just” a normal, nice, down to earth boyfriend/husband!
I mean this concept of “the one”…I think it puts almost ridiculous amount of pressure and expectation towards just this ONE person, that he alone and only him on the whole planet can fulfill all my emotional needs forever and somehow I’ll never feel happy/normal/whole until I find this one special human being. What if don’t? :/
I’ve started to question how “healthy” concept that is? I’d love to hear your thoughts about this. If I have unrealistic expectations about men/relationships, I probably will always be disappointed 🙁
And about “the one”, I actually believe it is not just some one individual that exists, but more like that there are many potential partners in the world, and some of them can then maybe BECOME “the one”. Is it so?
PS. I love your lipstick, it’s very pretty, I’ve been wondering what is it’s name/brand? 🙂
Dear Melanie,
I Get It! : ) Your article is simply perfect! So clear, so loving, so empowering. You are describing exactly the journey I AM on. After working with NARP consistently for almost a year, I´m now doing the TFOOW and so love it : ) I still live in the same house with my narcisstic father and are basically having no contact : ) I comlpletely gave up talking to him and whenever a trigger arises I immediately take it to a module. THAT is already THRIVING! : )
Yes, there is still more work to Do to be able to leave him once and for all, but I am so getting there : )
I am more loving and compassionate with my precious Inner Child than ever before and from this connection comes tremendous strength, optimism and empowerment.
Thank you so much for ALL that you DO. YOU already helped me so much!!
P.S: I so loved your video with Zac! I was so touched by his loving Male presence. So beautiful to SEE & FEEL that there are Men on this crazy beautiful planet who are the total opposite of what I have experience with my father : )
Hi Thorsten,
That is beautiful that you get it!
I love that you love TFFOW!
Exactly correct that is the true formula for Thriving – trigger hits, do a Module and release it!
Please know darling heart there are beautiful men. I have my son, male friends and also a loving gorgeous partner. And this was after years of being brutalized by males.
I promise you that you will connect with the love that matches what you are generating for you inside.
So much love to you Thorsten
Mel 🙏💕💛
Dear Melanie,
Thank YOU so much for taking the time to respond! I so appreciate your kind and loving words : )
So much Love to YOU Melanie
Dear Melanie,
I FINALLY GET IT!
I divorced my husband of 30 years last year when I discovered, after hiring a PI, that he was living a double life with another woman and her children. That man emotionally and verbally abused me and our four children, and used and manipulated me for his financial gain. I accept responsibility for my part in allowing this to go on for 30 years. I am an adult and I made the choice, albeit a poor choice, to be true to my marriage vows and to what I believed were sound values for the sake of the family.
Now I must accept that my oldest daughter, who will be 30 years old in December, behaves similarly. I have had many from my heart conversations with her over the last four years, to no avail. She has made many poor life choices, and only reaches out to me when she needs money. Once she gets what she needs from me, she cuts me off again. I feel like my heart is breaking all over again.
I will not allow this any longer, with her or anyone else. I used your NARP program to help me through the divorce. I will use it again.
Blessings.
Melissa
Hi Melissa,
that’s awesome!
Awww Melissa, I so admire you for not playing the victim and accepting responsibility and taking your power back to heal. That is so inspirational.
Yes NARP will help you to be and hold this boundary.
You deserve to be free to live your truth Dear Lady, as hard as that is – it’s the ONLY way.
Sending you love and big hugs.
Mel 🙏💕💛
I too have had to disown all other family members and it feels so liberating, but I have one problem-my mother. She forced me to attend a mass for a dead uncle, whom I’m glad is as dead as his daughter who was the gang leader of the cousins to do wrong to me. During the mass, everything I was doing she was giving me a nasty look-especially using Purell after shaking so many hands. Then she made the decision to join them in at a restaurant, where the oldest & surviving cousins on my late-father’s side kept barraging me with questions, while I deflected and kept telling them ‘no’ and ‘stop’. As usual, it didn’t work because since I was 2, she would tell everybody that when I said no it doesn’t mean no, but something close to a yes. While all of this was going on, NO ONE ELSE at the table told them to stop, knock it off- just stared at me as if they were being entertained. It took a lot out of me to not get up from the table to get them to stop. I finally told my mom how it all affected me, and she said she got it, but her tone seemed like a brush off, but she said she didn’t realize how it bothered me. Her side of the family is abusive physically, mentally, and emotionally to me but to my sister she is one of them. I’m worried that my mother will force me to attend the funeral/mass of another uncle, and it will happen again. I’m worried that this time I’ll have no choice to do something than ‘shut up and put up’. I might go to the mass, but not any reception unless my mother brings them home. My mother is the reason why these people are still in my life, so how do I get my mother to change from her narcissistic ways like my late-father did 10 years before he died?
Hi Cheryl,
Please know we can’t make anyone change … it is only about US changing.
If you take this back to the steps to make peace with You and your inner being – to stand for that peace means, 1) do the inner work so that no matter what they say or do you give it no energy and it doesn’t affect you. 2) Speak up and lay boundaries that you wish to have respected. 3) If they aren’t;t leave, don’t participate or don’t accept the invitation.
As adults it is so important to understand that no-one can MAKE us do anything – we decide to or not.
Taking your power back Cheryl means that if you can’t feel comfortable (totally understandable) and these people abuse you and won’t respect your boundaries then simply don’t be around them.
That is YOUR choice.
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕💛
I get it! The most powerful lesson learned doing NARP is releasing the expectation of where the beauty of life comes from. When I did this, all of life truly is beautiful and I get to show up in life whole and healthy.
Love and hugs to you Mel❤
Awww Marcie,
I LOVE your words!!
THEY are so powerful!!
Big love to you darling.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie
As I hear you and the experiences this community is sharing about “going NO CONTACT” with multiple people I’m reminded of Jesus’ admonition that unless we love Him (Christ) more than even family we are not worthy to follow (imitate) Him.
It’s more a matter of GOING FULL CONTACT WITH OURSELVES and then all things unlike LOVE fall away from our lives.
If we attend an event such as a wedding or funeral or whatever we are not triggered at all in the least because our LIFE, LOVE, HAPPINESS, AFFIRMATION etc comes from the fountain of LIFE which dwells WITHIN us.
It is the act of GOING TOTALLY TOWARD COMPLETE EXCLUSIVE CONTACT AND FULL INTIMATE INTERCOURSE WITH OUR TRUE BEING that sets us free. We KNOW (EXPERIENCE) THE TRUTH WITHIN and the Truth sets us free.
There’s no sense of loss or guilt in Joy, in Truth, in Pure Spirit Love.
We’re going TOWARDS something, not diminishing our connections but truly enriching and empowering them. They just look like disconnecting.
I sure hope that made sense ❤️
Powerful episode, i get it!
I get it! Thank you. It is painful work. But SO necessary! The family work is actually much harder for me than the work overcoming my first narcissist. The allegiance runs deep – and opens me up to further abusive interactions. Got to get to work!
Hi Joanna,
that’s great that you get it.
Please know we are holding your hand and heart while you do this work sweetheart.
Much love from me and this wonderful community
Mel 🙏💕💛
I GET IT!!
I get it! Melanie, I found you after having recently discovered that my entire family including my mother, father, grandparents, 2 aunts, 2 uncles, and I am suspecting that at least 5 of my first cousins are as well. My family has always been close knit with a weird undertone and even affectionate. I was the the only scapegoat in the midst of all of the golden children. My family is very religious, well respected in the community, and I was forced to go to church multiple times per week as a child, but I never felt that anyone of them was really sincere in their spirituality. I am 47 years old and I have endured all of the of the sadistic abuse, smearing, isolation, dissonance, and feeling like I was cursed to be unloved and unloveable. It seemed like there was nothing I could ever do to win or earn the approval, love, or support of my family. Deep down I truly suspect that my mother made a pact with my stepfather who was freely able to physically, sexually, and mentally abuse me in order to tolerate her and stay with her. I was the pawn. I ran away so many times trying to save myself and trying to tell the truth about my mother and stepfather. Only to be severely punished after each time for “telling” whenever the social workers would talk to my mother who would lie her way out of trouble, (who professed that I had mental issues) and bring my back home. At the time, I was extremely close to my grandmother, who I was clueless at the time was a full blown NPD, I would always run to her to seek refuge but I never felt safe with her either. I had my only child, my son, at 19, by a man who showed me no kindness, affection, emotional connection, love, or compassion. By the time my son was 4, my mother joined forces with my son’s father, (who never supported him and who was never fully present in his life) and unbeknownst to me they turned my only child who was the person who came from my womb that was supposed to love me, against me. I saw it happening but I thought that if I loved him more and taught him that the dynamics of our family was dysfunctional, that he would grow out of “it”, I thought that it was a phase. It was not until 11 months ago that I discovered the very thing that would rip my heart out and tear it to shreds. I discovered that my only child, who is the parent to my only grandchild, is a full NDP. The horrible, unfathomable things that he has done to me with no conscience sickens me to my stomach. The fact that he was in on it the entire time while being as gentle as a little lamb in my face. The depth of the deception and abuse, OMG…… I have been so all over the place with my emotions because I am the only person in a large family of 24 first/second cousins, 2 aunts, 2 uncles, a mother, and a living grandparent who is the black sheep. Sometimes I feel exuberant with joy that I was spared somehow and that I do have the capacity to love, empathize, have compassion for others, and that I was on the road to recovery prior to figuring this out. But at the time that I figured it all out, I had been allowed to have a “fake” relationship with my grandson for about 2 months. He is 4 years old and he had no clue that I was his grandmother. He thinks that my mother is his grandmother. My son made me feel like I was the worst, filthiest, scum of the earth mother for holding him accountable as a child and setting high standards for his education. He made me feel like I was so horrible that I didn’t deserve to be a mother to him or a grandmother to my grandson. I finally figured out that ANYTHING AND I MEAN ANYTHING that I loved, all of the narcissists in my life used against me. It all came to surface because I was already in therapy for trauma abuse, so I was already starting to disconnect emotionally and I was starting to see glimpses of a woman in the mirror who deserved to be loved and adored. Although I felt unloveable or my entire life, it was felt unfathomable to me that I deserved to be hated by my only child who I love with my entire heart and soul. At other times I feel angry and upset because my neither my mother or my only child has the capacity to love me and have abused me beyond….. Sometimes I feel extremely hateful at the thought of the 47 years of non-stop abuse, lies, smearing, smiling faces, games, and at the thought that my son could try to use my love to continue to weaponize me. I decided to go no-contact with my son and my mother 5 months ago and it was the thing that has saved my life. As hard as it was to face the truth and embrace that no matter how much I love my grandson that it is extremely likely that he will be influenced by my son to look at me as just a transaction or someone to get amazing gift from. I am on the road to recovery, and it has required that I terminate every single relationship in my life. Soon after realizing that I was raised, abused, used, rejected, extorted, and abandoned by an entire family of narcissists, I turned to look at each and every relationship that I have had over the span of my life only to discover that I have been enmeshed with emotional vampires in each and every relationship. My ex husband, my son’s father, all of my girlfriends, my hairstylist, my doctor, my boss, ex-lovers…. EVERY SINGLE PERSON. Although I am growing at a tremendous pace with developing self love, self compassion, total self acceptance, self respect, self admiration, self support, and self forgiveness. I still have up and down days. I am still trying to take it all in and I continue to dissect my life I am trying to use the pain to empower me. It felt like I had won the lottery when I finally put two and two together to figure out that it was one big mess of a demonic lie. I finally was able to validate my own feelings and worth after years and years of being made to feel the I am crazy for all of the things that I spoke out about, in spite of the severe consequences. To FINALLY own that I am lovable, I am loving, I am empathic… not weak, I am strong to have endured such pain.
I feel so much gratitude for your passion and purpose Melanie to help us to be aware so that we can heal. I feel especially thankful on a day like today where I feel very aware of my aloneness. Thank you for helping me to realize that I have not been and I am not alone in this nightmare. The growth in this for me is that I would rather die alone than to ever abuse myself again by accepting abuse from another narcissist for the rest of my life.
May you be blessed beyond measure!
Hi Sharice,
that is so wonderful that you truly would rather grow and heal than ever subject yourself to this again.
Sharice have you discovered what Quanta Freedom Healing is about, and what it can do for you yet? Because when you start working with the quantum tools to heal, you will discover how much faster and easier it is to get the trauma out of your body and to start aligning with your true well-being.
Please come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to learn more about this.
I hope this helps and I’m so excited for you to heal and come out the other side.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
I get it & did it. The smear campaign continued, but I didn’t let that bother me either. The last time one of the family members tried to censor me on social media, I told him that he could unfollow my page, but I wasn’t going to cater my page to him. A couple friends backed me up too & it’s been quiet since. The biggest thing I need to remind myself that when I do have to have an interaction & they want to do their usual accusatory shaming, is that if I’ve already stated my view, there’s no need to defend it. That’s when they look for holes that they can pounce on. The bottom line is that I realized that family narcissists feel especially entitled to crossing boundaries. My husband and I were talking about that yesterday. They will act like they are his best friend and treat me terribly. He said that’s why he doesn’t want to go to gatherings with them because if they can’t treat me with respect, then they aren’t worth his time. 😊One of the millions of reasons I love him so much!
I am going through a situation with my son, and have been for years, who I suspect is being “worked from behind” by his partner and the mother of his two children. My son is high functioning, but on the autistic spectrum. We hardly see our 2 young grandchildren, the eldest is autistic (but this is not discussed), despite them only living 2 miles away. For almost 10 years, we have never been included or invited in to their everyday lives. At one point they moved house and would not tell us the address. We drove around for 3 hours until we found their cars, but didn’t knock. We have so much love to give our grandchildren, but only my son’s partner’s family are given what is considered “normal” access. We have never been invited to babysit, or attend school plays and events, or even help in picking them up from school. They have never been “allowed” in our house for a day, or even one hour, without their dad accompanying them. They have never been in our car. We are allowed one day out with them every summer holiday, which I have to really push for, but my son always insists on being there. His partner never comes. I never hear whether the children like their birthday or Christmas presents that I have carefully chosen, and rarely am I able to give them to them directly, but have to hand them over to our son on my doorstep, or even a few times in a snowy public car park before now. We are not invited to their house, and on the rare occasions we do manage to go there, his partner hides from us upstairs for most of the time and doesn’t even call out “hello”. Just disappears and is very rude. The grandchildren will know precious little about our side of the family, only what is considered to be their “real” family (their mother’s side of course, who they see on a daily basis). My son also won’t speak to or acknowledge his sister, even though she lives in the same street as him, as she is a “straight talking” person and has stuck up for us on various occasions, knowing how hurt we are about the situation. She is fed up and exhausted with the lies he spouts as to why we don’t see our grandchildren, as are we. Always excuses. My 4 year old grandson was recently baptised and we only found out last minute and had an invite via text message. My husband was ill and couldn’t attend. I did, but my son’s partner did not greet, acknowledge, speak or look at me once. After the ceremony I was wondering what would happen. Everyone got into their cars and drove off. I found out that the “real” family all went back to their house to celebrate. I was left standing alone in the car park and was back home within the hour. I still haven’t even had an acknowledgement of the personalised engraved baptism gift, handed over in the church car park, not even via a text.
We were not invited to see our grandchildren over Christmas and my son never asks what we will be doing, or if we will be Ok. I often work over Christmas and my husband would be on his own. My daughter wouldn’t let that happen, but my son and partner never even ask him, nor do they care. My daughter has once again told him of the hurt he and his partner create, which has consequently triggered a truly vile, vitriolic message from his partner to me, accusing us of not caring about our grandchildren (nothing is further from the truth) and “thank goodness” she has her family to make up for us and what we lack. She is rude to us but sickly sweet to others who are obviously taken in by her. We are never given the opportunity to build a real relationship with our gorgeous grandsons, so how can we ever be what they want us to be? When our grandsons do visit on rare occasions, they are completely at ease with us and we play and laugh, whilst my son sits, stoney faced, and champing at the bit to get away and go home. He talks down to me, (not his dad) and often mocks me and my chosen career. I feel he backs up his partner because he is scared of upsetting her and losing his children.
Since this latest vile, nasty and completely out-of-the-blue text message, I now know there is nothing we can ever do to “measure up”. Nothing will ever be good enough because they have to control everything, including us. I know I have to break free. My absolute fear is that when I break contact, I KNOW my grandsons will be told that we didn’t ever want to know them and be told the same by their other grandmother and auntie.
Such lies from all her family. It is my son’s choice to exclude us, but not my poor grandchildren who won’t know what’s going on. I hasten to add that as far as we know our kids had a normal, happy childhood with FULL involvement from both sets of their dear grandparents. My son was completely supported by us and got all the help we could get with his autistic tendencies, as much as we could in the 1980s.
I am truly broken. My husband is stronger and has no problem washing his hands of them, despite the risk of never seeing his grandsons again.
Thank you ma’am I have been waiting for an article like this I had no contact and divorced a narcissistic psychopath dick now ex-husband three years ago after 29 years of abuse I am 62 I have my own place I took my name back and I invited my daughter into my world she’s 24 however she shows similar antics as her father the story is so detailed and impossible to digestHowever your article about getting redo the taxes ready even if it’s your own daughter resonates and opens up my world I have given her many chances I have even gotten a two bedroom 2 Bathroom Beautiful Pl. which she abused and took for granted as well as manipulating me into giving her a great deal of money to pay off However your article about getting redo the taxes ready even if it’s your own daughter resonates and opens up my world I have given her many chances I have even gotten a two bedroom 2 Bathroom Beautiful Pl. which she abused and took for granted as well as manipulating me into giving her a great deal of money to pay off debtsOn her credit cards I am done I will not allow this to interfere with my life I’ve set the boundary it is her journey but mine will not be infected with abuse I cut off her father and try to protect her there’s nothing more I can do thank you
Max
I Get IT!
I GET IT!! I GET IT!! I STILL GET IT!! Despite the heartache, loss, pain, grief, despair, hurt, disbelief, shock, judgement, anger, guilt, shame and anything else despicable you come up with…NEVER EVER will I have such little value, of myself again! Regardless of the fact he’s my only child, irrelevant losing my whole family, rumours and opinions don’t mean a thing! Not to me they don’t, not anymore…. I’d rather go through life alone if I had to, than return to what some deem “Acceptable”??!! Simply because….it’s my Son? Try it for 10yrs, try recovering from the trauma! I’m sure the answer would be very different.