Melanie Tonia Evans

The Empowered Empath: Mastering Boundaries, Emotions & More!

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 20
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Boundaries are everything – especially if you are an Empath!

Being an Empowered Empath means that you care for yourself and others enough, to be honest. You do this to stop enabling poor behaviour and to invite people into more evolved ways of being with you.

The connection between boundaries and emotions can lead to a Thriver’s life full of prosperity and fulfillment through self and others.

Discover in this Thriver’s Life episode, Quantum Understandings and empowered ways to deal with your emotions AND do boundaries at the same time.

 

 

Video Transcript

Welcome to the Thriver’s Life series … the creation of your highest and best life after narcissistic abuse.

I can’t tell you how vital boundaries are.

They are everything.

Especially for Empaths.

When coupled with emotional alignment they literally carve out the life that you desire – piece by piece, and in no way do you have to compromise the health, wellbeing, and lives of others.

In fact, you offer people, through your boundaries, the opportunity to claim their own evolution and happiness.

In today’s episode, I want to talk to you about the connection with boundaries and emotions and getting clear on how to be in the driver’s seat steering towards your most prosperous, fulfilling and healthily contributing to self, life and other’s lives.

Okay, before we get started, thank you, everyone, who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.

Okay, let’s dive in.

What Are Our Emotions?

Our emotions are our personal GPS signal that is letting us know what IS or ISN’T the path to our super conscious/Source intended life (true flourishing, wellbeing, love, and prosperity).

Now here is the thing – we may think that our highest super conscious life consists of ‘stuff’.

That’s not accurate at all. Our highest life is the feeling of fullness and being whole.

Then stuff can come. Stuff that is genuine and which genuinely adds more to what we are already feeling.

When you have the fullness, ‘stuff’ is an awesome bonus that we can be so grateful for, but we actually had no need for anyway.

Why am I telling you this?

Because it’s a foundational understanding that you need to know regarding boundaries and your emotions.

This is what took me a long time to realise about my emotions. I thought they were being controlled by everything outside of me and were letting me know about the state of ‘out there’. Now I know a different truth. Our emotions fundamentally are telling us how ‘whole’ we are ‘in there’.

There is no real independent ‘out there’. It’s not separated from ‘in there’.

Your greatest mission in life – number 1 – is to have whole, balanced internal emotions.

Quantumly, emotions are king or queen.

They dictate and unfold our outer experiences from in there, and as such, I discovered that with any troublesome, missing or desired issue in my life, the most powerful place I could ever create was from solidness and calm on that topic. Unconditionally – not dependent on any external evidence being presented.

Some people may call this faith.

Others may call this surrender.

I believe is it Quantum Just Isness – meaning this is your natural state.

You may think it isn’t, but it is.

What has thrown all of us off of having this as our natural state is the trauma that has been inflicted on us by the human condition – and the beliefs that we are damaged, defective and unworthy (somehow separated from God, ourselves and others).

It may feel normal to feel this trauma of separation, but in no way is it natural. It is also unnatural to have to spend your whole life trying to manage your emotions, as a result of taking on the trauma of the human condition.

Without trauma, your emotions simply balance themselves.

I promise you that once enough trauma is released, wholeness and calm just ‘is’ and you will know it as a natural state.

Then everything else becomes easy to ‘add’ onto that.

When we have dishevelled emotions and often feel sad, let down, broken, anxious and the like – it DOESN’T mean that we are defective.

It means we have internal trauma generating these emotions.

 

Methods of Dealing With Our Emotions

There are four ways we can deal with the traumas generating negative emotions.

1) Face and release the trauma and move forward into a healthy Thriver’s Life.
2) Try to manage it with ways that will quieten it down.
3) Ignore it and attempt to get on with it, or
4) Blame someone or something outside of ourselves for these emotions.

All of these things are perfectly okay, and understandable because where you are at is where you are at.

Nothing is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. The only effective Quantum question – meaning the REAL truth that we need to be interested in is: ‘What works and what doesn’t work, regarding what I want to create in my life?’

Regarding the effectiveness of generating the true power and success of your life, the second option will cause you to feel stuck and dependent on trauma management, the third example will worsen the experience of painful emotions hijacking you randomly, and the fourth will cause more and more traumatic experiences to enter your life, compounding the original ones.

Universes away from these outcomes, the first example gives you a way out into the inner transformation and then the outer transformation of your life.

I want you to understand this more than anything – your inner emotional state needs to shift before your outer life can follow. Your life is never about changing the outer to feel different on the inner.

Because it doesn’t work.

Please know that.

Now we can move on.

How To Understand Working With Emotions PLUS Your Outer World

People ask this question, ‘So do I just work with my inner emotions and NOT do boundaries and try to change things in my outer real life?’

This is SUCH a great question.

And it’s one that took me a long time to really understand, balance out and formulate.

The truth is you do BOTH simultaneously.

But let’s dissect this with a useful example.

Let’s say that someone in your life is being abusive. Now let’s get very honest about this – ‘abusive’ is subjective. When we are on the journey of taking responsibility for our own wounds, we know that people are allowed to have opinions and their own lives and choices. These may not agree with us – yet there are things of course that are abusive, and that is what I am talking about here.

Maybe this person in your life is someone that you would love to continue a relationship with, yet there are things they do that are not okay for your health.

Here are your choices with a situation like that:

1) Make emotional peace with the way they are (of course this may not be possible or healthy if they are blatantly abusing you).

2) Invite them into a higher relationship with you, whereby you are both honest about how you feel, what you need and what is going on for you both emotionally, granting the opportunity for more communion, trust and love together.

3) After inviting them into this higher relationship with you, if they still project abuse at you and don’t have the desire or the resources to meet you there, walk away from the relationship, knowing you granted it and them an opportunity to heal and evolve.

All of these choices, 1 to 3, are intended to generate emotional peace, strength and solidness and the resolution of your troubled emotions.

If we were to consider another option, option 4, which would be to try to lecture and prescribe to this person … or, give them what you think will make them love you better … or, just continue on the same, feeling victimised, hurt and resentful – you can see how these would all be powerless acts. They are about trying to get something else to change outside of you, for you to feel better.

This only enables someone to stay stuck in their poor behaviour abusing you.

It also makes them able to sidestep personal responsibility and keep blaming you for the way they feel.

No-one gets well.

Whereas, when you take your power back and create THIS ultimate boundary with yourself, ‘I am responsible for my emotions and the choices I implement in my life to take care of my emotions healthfully’ then you truly do understand how boundaries and emotions interconnect and work.

In choices 1 to 3 it does not matter what someone else is or isn’t doing – it is ONLY important what you are choosing to do.

Now here is the other important connection between your emotional inner world and your outer choices and actions.

No amount of doing is a substitute for being.

If you were to try to just ‘forget it’ (choice 1) and get on with it with this person, then you haven’t done the inner work on what is triggering you with them and this means you are going to continue to be hurt and triggered no matter what you try to disconnect from.

With choice 2 if you haven’t done the inner work to lose the personalised feelings of being mistreated and unloved by this person, then it will be very hard to show up as calm, loving and honest with them. Rather, your words may come across as a victimised attack, or some other funky energy that is not going to generate a healthy response.

Also, you will still be attached to the outcome of ‘them getting it’ and may be deeply distressed when they don’t.

Whereas, if you do the inner work and then show up in a space of authenticity and love, this person is granted a beautiful opportunity to choose love and evolution, and if they don’t – well then you will feel no guilt and shame, rather clarity and relief in the knowing that this relationship is not your truth anymore – and that you did the right loving thing.

In choice 3 – the real letting go, if you have not done the inner work, you may be traumatised at the thought of this, and susceptible to guilt trips, smearing, hoovering and the transition out of this persons’ life may not be smooth, empowered or lasting, and could bring a host of other issues, still leaving you with unresolved emotions.

 

Simplifying Life To Make It Powerful

I want to grant you these Quantum Understandings that changed everything for me.

1) My emotional wholeness is always the first necessary ‘go-to’.

2) I am completely responsible for living my values, truths and real life, to generate my emotional wholeness. It isn’t anyone else’s job.

3) By being honest and lovingly authentic with others, I grant them the ability to awaken, heal and evolve.

4) If I blame others for how I feel, I am being a victim, forfeiting my power and will stay stuck at this point.

5) If anything or anyone hurts me, I always have the choice to a) make peace with it internally, b) invite the situation or person into a higher relationship with me and c) walk away if there is not the desire or the resources to meet me at my truth.

6) Any problems with implementing ANY of the former, means I have more inner work to do so that I do show up EMOTIONALLY authentically and powerfully, whilst DOING what I need to do.

Being Connected To All Of It

So many people may think that defining our values and truth, and being willing to walk away from people and situations that are not our truth, means that we will be isolated, alone and an island to ourselves.

That, I promise you, is so NOT true.

You are at one with ‘The All’.

Who You Really Are, is bigger than you can imagine.

If you stop living in lack, limitation and trying to ‘turn crumbs into cookies’ and instead keep generating the truth and deservedness of your expansive self, then you will enter into The Field of expanded and connected support, opportunities, love and miracles that IS your super conscious self.

I hope this inspires you.

If you’d like more help with mastering your emotions, boundaries (and so much more) then I highly recommend taking a look at my Empowered Self Course, which you can do by clicking this link.

I also have a really exciting update just around the corner which all ES course purchasers will receive for free as well… More information on this coming soon!

Okay, so after narcissistic abuse recovery, let’s evolve as far as we can, with grace and grit.

Why?

Because we CAN!

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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26 Thoughts on The Empowered Empath: Mastering Boundaries, Emotions & More!
  • lizottelori@msn.com'
    Lori Lizotte
    November 11, 2019

    Thank you, Melanie. I have recently entered therapy as I was so exhausted emotionally, I could no longer discern what I was really feeling. I had a breakthrough last week, that I personalize others responses to me so much that I am defensive, needy and always seeking validation. Today, watching this, I have learned why I do this and what I need to do to heal and love myself.

    I am a 56 year old woman that is considered by many (though I really don’t believe it myself) to be beautiful, courageous, kind and successful. I am a single Mom of two teenagers raising them on my own. I have been in a relationship for 6 years with someone who will not choose me, but continuously brings me back to him when he is lonely or needy. The complication is that after 4 years of this dysfunctional relationship, he recruited me to come work for him, so now he is my boss. This is a extremely difficult situation, and I am learning to figure out how I can manage through this.

    I am on the path to healing and a higher level of understanding that I need to love myself first. Your blogs and videos are an amazing supplement to my therapy.

    thank you.

    Lori

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 11, 2019

      Hi Lori,

      I am so pleased that you are on your path to healing and that my information is helping supplement that for you.

      Wishing you and your sons much love and happiness.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • andrea_hobkirk@yahoo.com'
    Andrea
    November 11, 2019

    I love this video. I struggled so much w/ emotion for years from my narcissistic father. I am seeing someone kind and loving and if he doesn’t reach out for a few hours or a day I go right into this feeling of abandonment which is what my father did a s x husband. Discard. I ha e come so far w/ all of your videos and I have done the work but I still get a trigger now and then. I have worked tirelessly on myself for the past two years. I am still evil evolving. Any recommendations ?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 11, 2019

      Hi Andrea,

      triggers are normal hun – they are always going to be our life as we continually grow and evolve … truly.

      Is it a block re accepting the glorious process of forever evolving?

      That is SO normal!

      Or the belief that we have to be perfect for our life to work?

      Trust me sweetheart – I used to have all of that too.

      I promise when these get sorted out (come into the NARP Forum and we can help you http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member ) then the journey and the triggers get more and more enjoyable and less and less impactful.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • marthabordner@hotmail.com'
    Martha
    November 11, 2019

    Hi Mel,

    Another A-HA moments video for me thank you. I have all the symptoms of the aftermath of narcissistic abuse and even though I am aware of why it happened to me via childhood trauma and adverse experiences leading up to that point – it’s not enough to go forward. I am discovering right brain techniques and have read much of Bruce Lipton’s works which makes a lot of sense to me and some of your work which coincides but I am intellectualizing everything being left made operating cognitively to survive it all. I am finding especially at times of full moon and coming up to the full moon I suddenly derail and those nasty victim peptides, flashbacks, resentment and ‘how could they be like that when’…….kind of thoughts resurface as well as childhood traumas return as similar clusters of associations. I have had some therapy and have started EMDR after 2 sessions but the anxiety is still there as well as brain drain, depression and a feeling of wishing I was dead at times. I have had to be strong to take care of others in my own family and my mother and grandmother were mentally ill and disordered women themselves with a host of traumas that made them like that. I hope to god I am making sense here and I really liked your post on self-help as ‘medication’ god that is me too. I had a 3 years of crying myself every day by trying to face painful emotions and be with myself but it only made matters worse I think as that was my way of self-soothing. Any advice would be most appreciated.

    Martha

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 11, 2019

      Hi Martha,

      that’s great that this resonated with you.

      Hun, please know this is something we usually can’t heal cognitively. I promise you I tried that (almost to death) too.

      Your salvation, as it was for me, lies in stopping that and to just come inside your inner being to heal.

      NARP is the way to do this … truly … You will have read and seen how many people in this Community have received such beyond excellent and real results from doing that?

      I know that this is the hardest thing for our mind to accept – giving up control, and turning inwards, rather than trying to think our way out of it, and when there has been lots of trauma, initially that is the hardest thing to do … but it is the only true way.

      The irony is this – we think we will ‘get it’ mentally and then can start doing the inner work, yet we will only get it logically AFTER doing the inner work.

      The brain follows the body (inner being) always.

      I promise you this was TOTALLY foreign for me too, before going within.

      NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp … that is the best shot I know of to get you finally out of the pain, and please know you have a ton of NARP member and inner course support http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member and a full money-back guarantee.

      Truly, Martha, you have nothing to lose, and your true emancipation to possibly (I believe totally) gain.

      Hold my hand with me, I am with you deeply and energetically, in every NARP healing.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • xsbabble@gmail.com'
    Tasha
    November 11, 2019

    Hi Mel,

    I so appreciate the way you repeat these messages because it takes time to really absorb them, never mind live them.
    I’ve been on the narp journey for three years now, and honestly, I’m struggling, and in a very isolated place. However, I’m also aware that I’ve led myself to this place as a way to protect myself from emotions I’m not yet ready to release. This is doing me no favours. Instead, I’ve been trying to “make things right” with people who will continue to abuse me because of my “funky energy.” As a woman in my forties, this year has been particularly tough as my body is going through changes that spotlight my fragile emotional health. More than ever, I’m aware of how gentle I need to be with myself in order to get to the next step. I’m riddled with trauma, and see now that I keep making decisions from that place. Thank you for reminding me that the only thing I really need to work on is my wholeness. Big love, Tasha

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 12, 2019

      Hi Tasha darling,

      I sooo understand where you are coming from – that feeling of not being ready to face and release certain emotions.

      That used to be exactly how I felt too.

      However, hun, when these traumatic emotions are trapped inside, they continue to eat us alive as well as keep us enmeshed in situations and relationships that match those traumatic relationships.

      We cant have one with the other … the remaining trapped internal trauma and then feeling better to eventually start releasing them.

      Because … we dont feel better UNTIL we release it.

      The total irony is when we finally face this, commit to it and do it like ‘there is nothing else to do’ then we wonder why on earth we didn’t just do this in the first place.

      Take it from me … that is the utter truth.

      And it’s not because we are lazy… or incapable … or flawed … or that it’s our fault that we didnt do it previously.

      Its because we had no idea the relief it is to meet, release it and live free of it and start experiencing the life our soul intends us to live … which is joyous and beautiful.

      Loving ourselves enough to do this sweetheart is not necessarily ‘gentle’. Its more about the determination to take the stand, as a mother bear would with her Cubs, to save your inner being from the trauma that’s hurting her.

      I hope this makes sense.

      Come join myself and the other fiercely loving warriors in the NARP members forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member who will help you stand in this stand.

      It’s the only way.

      Power, love and breakthrough to you Tasha

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • ievabrown@icloud.com'
    Ieva
    November 11, 2019

    What a wonderful, inspiring episode! I’m so excited for the news on Empowered Self, eek!! I am working my way through Module 1 of ES (setting the foundations!) and it’s a whole new level of healing, even though I still go to Narp too 😁 Thank you Melanie! Looking forward to the update! 🤩🙏🏻🥰

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 12, 2019

      Hi Ieva,

      It is always so gorgeous to see and share in your excitement and growth.

      I love being a part of it.

      Biggest mwah darling

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • antoniamonson@fastmail.fm'
    Pera
    November 11, 2019

    Thank you Melanie for these wonderful words. I have watched many of your videos and found them deeply encouraging and affirming when one has been battered by trauma. Your understanding is revelatory, and the path out of victimhood and powerlessness that you point to with clarity, warmth and loving assurance because you have been there, feels so genuine and powerful It’s hard to trust after trauma so I am always looking for the “but” – listening you however I feel hope like a door opening. I have known narcissists lifelong who make my life hell and with whom I still struggle(I am now 60)-the hardest for me seems to be to feel entitled to make boundaries and to have healthy interactions ; I am so used to their authority and control, and they are so outraged at my attempts to protect myself I feel tormenting, despairing guilt, having been made to feel responsible for their well being from day one. To make a life of my own has been a challenge of decades. It is not a physical bind but an emotional one. Guilt is so powerful. When I listen to you I can believe that it is possible to escape, to change from within,but the task is huge and i need the repetition you give. Thank you, with my love.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 12, 2019

      Hi Pera,

      I am so pleased that these Quantum Truths grant you hope.

      I would love you Pera to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to find out the direct path to heal … that makes it sooo much easier (and possible) rather than try to continue the battle logically with reinforcement.

      The inner way is infinitely more powerful.

      You deserve to reach your True Life Pera.

      Sending you healing and breakthrough

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • scarlet_amaryllis@yahoo.com'
    Amy
    November 12, 2019

    Hi Pera-
    I really relate to this. Intellectually i understand that I’m deserving of love, healing and to be able to take care of myself. But my lifelong conditioning makes it so hard to authentically FEEL this. It’s a huge struggle and I guess the hope is to keep hearing the messages, keep doing the modules over and over until regardless of what our conscious mind thinks, the subconscious will start to understand the truth.
    Amaryllis

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 12, 2019

      Hi Amaryllis,

      It is so true the embodiment is the shift.

      Because you are a NARP member I really suggest that you join me and the other Thruvers in the NARP members forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member so that we can help guide you to this breakthrough.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • anna_elina@luukku.com'
    Elina
    November 12, 2019

    Thank you Melanie, I feel you spoke directly and personally to me with this post! And a special thanks that you did not mention narcissists in this article!! I think I cannot bear any more article how n’s are or what they do. Who cares anyway? 🙂
    I’m done and over with the n, maybe 99% but some part of me was still holding onto to nostalgia, the “golden era”. I felt I needed some “stronger” healing, so a healer did me a distant clearing session. Strange thing is that during/after that I had some little accident at home and that mobile phone where was more than 100 messages (sweet ones) saved from the ex n and I couldn’t let go of them…well, that mobile phone became wet and completely destroyed and all the messages was lost!! I said to the lady, almost like a joke, you would not have needed to do THAT much effective clearing! 😀 Coincidence or not, who knows. Maybe it was indeed time for me to let go those messages…yeah, they tied me into the past and living in fantasies, not in reality.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 12, 2019

      Hi ina,

      Absolutely just stick with the Thriver’s Life episodes (pictures of me on thumbnail) and then you will just have the next forward expansions … rather than N stuff.

      What a great synchronstic release!

      Much love to you.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • inpellerano@yahoo.com'
    Iris
    November 12, 2019

    Hi Melanie,

    Thank you for all the leadership you provide for this community.

    If we can learn how to navigate through the emotional desert after N “relationships”, we truly find Home.

    It takes longer than logic can account for to thoroughly rid ourselves of and from the internal chemical coating that appears after Narc contamination. Returning to joy, power, spontaneity, full laughter etc, feels like trying to move a vast void. So there is a need to stay vigilant in keeping a healthy model in sight for direction.

    YOU are that healthy model.

    This video reminds me to focus on ME and that I am greater than the trauma I experienced and that nothing can make me less than LOVE’s Image and Likeness so I am worthy of my own attention to my own care.

    Identity can not be changed. My CORE IDENTITY is ETERNALLY in tact because it is sustained by SOURCE Itself. When I honor myself, I actually honor SOURCE. When God wins, Everybody wins. LOVE wins. Love is worthy of honor. Honoring and respecting my own boundaries in deed and not wavering in this area is one way to honor God HERSELF.

    Thank you for the explanations of ways we can identity and defend our borders! (HEART-Land security)

    I just ordered the ES course and will dive into it for next several weeks. I’m so looking forward to growth in Grace.

    Showers of blessings-

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 12, 2019

      Hi Iris,

      We are greater than the trauma. It is not who we really are … at all.

      Awww I love that truth Iris that our Core Identoty just is wholeness, and we totally uncover this when our trauma is detoxed.

      Heart Land Security is such a beautiful term. You write so beautifully Iris.

      You will love ES Iris and the upgraded version 2 is coming to you, as an ES member, very soon!

      So much love

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • deedot609@gmail.com'
    Dee
    November 13, 2019

    Hi Melanie!

    Thank you for this information. It came at the exact time for me because I was struggling to figure out how to manage my feelings being an empath and all. I have the Thriver NARP Course and have done all the meditations and almost all the videos. It has been extremely healing for me. I know that their would have not been any other way to muddle through all of this trauma after many, many years of narcissistic abuse and childhood events. I too have done EMDR which was very helpful for alot of the trauma but the NARP program really completes and unravels the rest of the trauma and really has assisted me more than anything- in becoming whole for the first time in my life!!!

    I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all that you do!

    Did you say at the end of the video that if you own the NARP system already that you will be adding “Empowered Self Course”?

    Much Love and Admiration,

    Dee

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 13, 2019

      Hi Dee,

      It’s my pleasure.

      Awwww I am so, so thrilled that NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp has helped you so much!

      Dee, existing ES Course members, will receive the new ES version 2 for free.

      If you are thinking of ES, now (just quietly) would be a good time to get it at the original price, and then the free upgrade will simply arrive soon.

      Lots of love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • bsher008@me.com'
    Blair Sherwood
    November 14, 2019

    I started the NARP program a couple of years ago and it changed me more than I ever would have thought. Life truly has been happening for me in ways I never realized possible I am engaged to a wonderful man who matches the love I have for myself. I am so happy with my personal life but I have one more block that I’m not sure how to break free from. My career is not where I know I’m meant to be. But I am putting minimal to no effort to change it. I know I am afraid to truly put myself out there but I don’t know how to apply the teaching to something that isn’t a personal relationship, friendship, or basically something that has nothing to do with another person at all. I know I need to start within in order to change the outside but I’m kinda stumped on breaking free from this roadblock.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 14, 2019

      Hi Blair,

      that is so great that NARP has helped you achieve this!

      Please know Blair you can target ‘the trauma generating that (whatever it is) in my body’ with Module 1, or with the Source Healing and Resolution Module to release ANY block literally.

      If you need more help with this please come into the NARP Member’s Forum for further assistance http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
    T.E.
    November 14, 2019

    Wow. Reading this post made me realise something for the first time in my life ever! I think I’ve been unconsciously operating with these “rules”: If something is wrong in a relationship, it is my duty and obligation to make it right or fix it. If a relationship isn’t working, I must “make it work”. I often felt “alone in a relationship”, who carries alone and all the responsibility of the relationship. I always felt I must be loyal, no matter what…because I felt that loyal equals being a good person. Oh dear, no wonder that it happened many times that I attracted n’s and was loyal to them “no matter what”…and they could conveniently continue with the abuse! Uff. I think this all comes from childhood, as an adaptation. As a child we do not have much choice than to adapt, be loyal, be people-pleasing and “transform” myself into whatever it takes (meaning for example hiding, minimising myself)…for survival.
    You know, after this post I just realised…I do not have any obligation, need or duty to have any relationship with anyone that I do not want!! This sounds like self-evident but it hasn’t been for me! I can just walk away. I mean, especially if I have already done everything I reasonably can and the relationship still isn’t working, is toxic or dysfunctional or I simply do not have chemistry with that person.
    I always thought I must get along with everyone…but no, actually I do not need to 🙂 Even if the person is a blood-relative. I had the fear that I am a cold and uncaring person, if I just “abandon” people, but I think it is just this fear that has kept me stuck in abusive relationships! I think we all want to be “good people” (and I am!). I felt relief from this awareness! As adults, we can CHOOSE with whom we want to have relationships with, but no obligations, right?
    Are these my conclusions correct?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 14, 2019

      Hi T.E.

      this is beautiful that you have anchored into this truth.

      Yes, it is 100% correct!

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  • greenbnk@rogers.com'
    Nicole
    November 15, 2019

    Thank you, Melanie,

    Uncannily, as always, this comes “JIT”. I have been mulling over the meaning of “unconditional love” and how much [that] has gotten me into trouble throughout my life. As in my case, “unconditional love” has meant to love with abandon — with zero boundaries, ergo, making my gap as large as the Grand Canyon. God, how stupid was I to believe someone could love me like the way I believed “true love” was meant to be “shared”. What a set-up. Even more stupid considering my parents’ “marital” reference.

    Until I received your blog update, I recently wrote off unconditional love as some sort of “disney” brainwashing. Which, IMO, it is that, too. But your blog made me realize how much I do not *love* my Self. Or *appreciate* my Self. And how much I don’t even *know* my Self. It’s always been about everyone else, their wants and needs, and acquiescing to everyone else; and, not ever making it about me. Not ever. I’m not playing victim, I’m just reporting the facts. I was a full-time mom and wife (wash-iron-f-etc.) for 19 years. It was never about me. That was my conditioning/upbringing. (standing up for myself (establishing boundaries) =not nice).

    A lot of what I’m dealing with, now, is being POA for my N-mom (in essence her legs/sec’y) so I’m spending days and weeks more at a time with her than usual. Add to that finally organizing my absent – understatement – dad’s ashes to be interred with her’s (I had to remove them from my mom’s house to mine, so he’s with me now until such time.) Today, I have more of my mom and dad’s “attention” than they have ever bothered to grant me in healthier times. But it’s only because my mom needs me to (fill in the blank). My brother (golden child) hides behind his “full-time” employer’s skirt, which is fine. Having to “manage” him would tick me off. Royally. I crawled into bed last night so exhausted after having taken care of my mom’s affairs, I literally felt like I could throw-up. I was over tired and laid awake, joints aching, for a long time feeling deeply alone, worried about my “someday”, and sorry for myself.

    See the reflection? I sure do.

    The upside is, earlier this morning, I spent a lot of time with Module One. I know tomorrow, after a good night’s sleep, I will feel even better than I did this afternoon. Add to this, my son surprised me with dinner tonight, so I didn’t have to cook. Namaste.

    I do wonder too, A LOT, because of the hospice-type environment I’m operating within, if there’ll ever come a time, truly, when I will be in Good Company. I don’t know what else to call it. I’ve dropped “cherished” and “loved unconditionally” from my ‘wishful/hopeful’ lexicon for the simple fact that I don’t believe, anymore, that a potential mate/companion of mine can provide me that sort of love and devotion. That’s beyond reproach considering I haven’t even been that to myself. Being human I don’t know if [it] is even possible to love to that degree – that it’s just some h’weird mumble-jumble I’ve been conditioned to believe in. I’m hopeful someday to love me, but I’m thinking now, it might actually take me lifetimes because I don’t even know who I am. Is this something your Self Empowered course can help me with? Otherwise, I know this is something you can’t answer for me, this is my journey Home. But your recommendation as to which Module/s I could use to provide some clarity is appreciated.

    Thanks in advance,
    Nicole

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 15, 2019

      Hi Nicole,

      I’m so pleased it was timely for you.

      I’m so pleased True Love is being clarified for you, and I totally relate to previously being so confused about this topic myself!

      Oh yes I totally get the reflection … and how awesome you dedicated to Module 1.

      Nicole hun please know we don’t need to be perfect or perfectly healed to be loved… everything you are saying is exactly how I once felt … I get you!

      I really would love you to come into the NARP member’s forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member … there is a lot here we can help you with! The short answer re ES Course is yes it will help you a lot, in the area of intimate and interpersonal relationships.

      You are TOTALLY going to get there …

      Love and expansion to you Nicole.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

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