Trauma bonding feels like love, it feels like you will die without someone and that you won’t get over the fact that you can’t have a happy and healthy relationship with this person.
I promise none of this is true.
I don’t think anyone could possibly have prepared themselves for the intense, inexplicable and deadly bonding experience that happens with a narcissist.
Today, I want to share with you the four ways to know that you are trauma bonded, as well as how to free yourself from the deadly grip of being trauma bonded to someone who is destroying you.
Video Transcript
Trauma bonding is terrifying for people.
If you are trauma bonded you will experience the feelings of wanting to stay connected and fix a relationship, regardless of how much this person is hurting you.
And, this may shock you and stun you.
You may be tormented beyond measure thinking – ‘Why do I love you so much when you abuse me like this?’
It feels like love – yet I promise you it is not.
In today’s TTV episode I am going to explain to you the four ways that you can know you are trauma bonded and how to get out of this terrible powerless state.
Okay, so before we look at these, I’d just like to thank everyone who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do so. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.
So, now, let’s look at how you know that you are trauma bonded.
Sign #1: Making Excuses for Abusive Behaviour
Truly, when you are making excuses and justifications for someone’s terrible behaviour then you are trauma bonded.
This could include focusing on the small things that are very basic common baseline requirements in any relationship, such as:
‘She tells me at times that she loves me.’
‘No matter how many times he leaves, he always comes back to me.’
‘We can sometimes laugh and have fun together.’
However, there could be things going on like horrific verbal and mental abuse, affairs, physical threats and violence – or whatever it is that means that you are being abused.
Cognitive dissonance is common amongst abuse victims, and can include excusing someone’s poor behaviour because of feeling sorry about their childhood, or believing that it is your duty to help them or fix them.
The roots of trauma bonding may make you feel terrified to let a person go. You could feel dependent on them, and that losing them would be too excruciatingly difficult to bear. This could be because you feel like you may not be able to survive alone.
Maybe you feel like you will never again meet someone who you feel so connected and attracted to and you simply have to try to make this work.
Or maybe you don’t want to ever let go of the possibility of the relationship that you always wanted with this person, even though they don’t have the resources and you continue to be abused by them.
Whichever way it goes, if your emotional self is telling you one truth ‘I am anxious, depressed, sad, angry, hurt and traumatised’ and yet you keep making the excuses mentally to stay in the relationship, then this is a sure sign that you are trauma bonded.
Sign #2: As the Abuse Intensifies You Move Toward That Person Instead of Away From Them
You may be horrified to discover that when this person lashes out and does horrific things to you that you try to fix things.
Rather than have the ability to pull away and look after yourself, you may take responsibility and apologise, or even beg and promise that you will never again do whatever the supposed crime was that you committed.
You may throw all your rights and boundaries out the window to give this person exactly what they want from you so that they won’t leave you.
Or maybe you find yourself agreeing to any condition that is demanded in the hopes that they will stop hurting you and love you instead.
Or possibly, you can pull away at times yet when the situation is out of control, you are the one who is trying to keep the peace, hold things together, find solutions and salvage things – despite inwardly knowing that things don’t and won’t get better.
Despite your efforts, any reprieve is temporary and the issues happen again, usually with more intensity and increased frequency.
Sign #3: When Disconnected From This Person You Feel Like You Are Dying
If things do get so bad that you have to leave, and you are trying to stay away to save your life, or you are discarded and this person refuses to reply to your efforts at contact and you feel like you are dying – this is a sure sign that you are trauma bonded.
Being trauma bonded creates a hugely powerful peptide addiction to this person. Heroin addicts have stated that getting off a narcissist is ten times harder than getting off heroin. Once you read and understand my publication on peptide addiction, you will understand why this is the case.
When we feel like we are dying without a person, naturally we believe it is because we love this person so much. Or we feel indebted to them and guilty or responsible for their wellbeing. But any of these bonding emotions to abusers are not true.
Rather, it is because of the chemical addiction to the trauma we have received that is now hardwired through our system.
We realise these emotions don’t make logical sense. It doesn’t make sense because these obsessional feelings are happening deep within our cellular being, beneath the level of cognitive understanding.
This is why we exclaim in complete distress, ‘How can I love someone like this, when I hate what he/she has done to me?’
‘Why can’t I stop obsessing and feeling responsible for him/her?’
‘Why can’t I just let go and get on with my life?’
It is because of the peptide addiction that has infiltrated your being – which is a serious side effect of being trauma bonded.
Sign #4: When This Person Does Something ‘Nice’ You Experience Hope and Relief
There is an incredible phenomenon that happens with trauma bonding. It’s a chemical endorphin that is experienced as ‘the high of relief’.
This happens when he stops being abusive for a moment and cuddles you and tells you everything is going to be okay.
It can happen after being caught out cheating and he breaks down, tells you he has a problem that he wants your help with and promises never to do it again.
It can happen when rather than criticise and yell at you she stops and asks, ‘What can I do to help you today?’
Or maybe, rather than tell you all the things she doesn’t like about what you have or haven’t done, she comes home and has a normal conversation with you.
It is at these times you heave a sigh of relief. If the abuse has been horrific, these moments of reprieve may be in such stark contrast that you feel like you have won the jackpot.
You may feel there is hope.
You may feel blissy on chemicals that feel like love.
The feelings of heightened relief are exactly the trauma bonding feelings people have to any addiction – the relief from the pain of the actual thing or person that IS the addiction.
For example…
Poker machines – the payout grants relief from the lost money.
Cigarettes – the puffing on a cigarette stops the terrible pangs of nicotine withdrawal.
A narcissist – being ‘nice’ or even just stopping the behaviour grants relief from abuse.
The ‘high’ is an addictive endorphin.
What Is Trauma Bonding Really and How Do You Heal From It?
Trauma bonding is being connected to someone through your internal wounds.
When we have unhealed unconscious inner parts, they play out by us becoming attached to the exact people who play out these parts with us.
For example, my primary unhealed terrors were about abandonment and not being able to survive as a woman on my own.
The abusive people I picked seemed to be men that would never abandon me (engulfers) and also they appeared powerful, protective and capable (seemingly capable in the world).
What I faced again and again was being abandoned by these men (emotionally or literally), or me having to separate from them because the trauma of staying became bigger than that of leaving.
When I was unhealed, the trauma bonding was so extreme that I did feel like I was dying and would often return.
I also lost a great deal of resources and suffered terrible financial abuse in these relationships – bringing to life all of my terrible fears of survival and security.
I clung on and tried to force these men to fix these terrors for me, but they were never the saviours of these wounds – they were the messengers of them.
Until I let go of these men and turned inwards to heal my inner traumatised parts, I was powerless to stop the terrible addictions and traumatising I experienced through trauma bonding.
Today, after healing these parts with NARP, I experience healthy happy relationships that are kind, supportive and healthy, and I have absolutely no trouble in walking away from anyone who represents abuse because I feel whole, safe and powerful within.
I want the same for you too – and know what a huge difference in your life and relationships it will create once you get there.
I so hope this video has helped.
Okay, if you want to start getting aligned with these truths to boost and actualise your recovery out of the pain and into truly healthy, wholesome and fulfilling connections, then I’d love to help you.
You can start this journey today by clicking this link.
And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.
As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.
Hello there. Thank you for your thoughtful message today.
Could you by chance redirect your audience in a more general tone. Women can be narcissists as well. Men aren’t always the perpetrator. Women with this disorder or some personality defect can be just as evil and have an inflated ego that needs to be popped.
Thanks
Hi Alexander,
am I missing something?
My entire blog post and video consist of him/her she/he language.
All of my publications are for both sexes.
There are many men as NARP members in this community.
Narcissism is NOT gender specific and neither is my work.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hello alexander,
Might you perhaps reread the article? Ms Evans clearly states (in all her work) that women can be narcissists too.
Be well,
L.
Hi Melanie,
Your videos and the information you share is so helpful to me. I have recently (in the last year) gone “NO CONTACT” with both of my parents because I am finally willing to look at the truth and admit that they are both very narcissistic and unhealthy and have been the primary abusers in my life. I know now that I have been trauma bonded particularly with my mother. My decision to go no contact is one that my brother refuses to understand. If it was not for my husband I would have no support in my life, so as you can imagine, I am thankful for him every day! And I am thankful for you and your blog and videos!
Hi Ang,
that is so great that you are honoring you.
It takes great courage to do this despite others reactions. I love that you feel supported.
Bless you
Mel 🙏💕💛
What are you talking about? This was not gendered
Hello. Watched many of your video’s. Thankyou. Trauma bonding was so me from start to finish . I’m sure my partner is a narcissist . I’m struggling begging to wish I wasnt here at all . I don’t know where to go for help I’m scared . Listening to you is so right in what you say every thing is right . Thankyou xx
Hi Jackie,
you are very welcome.
I am so sorry you are going through this trauma and pain – please Jackie come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar and I promise you I can help you get clarity and relief and solutions.
Much love and big hugs
Mel 🙏💕💛
I know this is me. And I purchased NARP but then I felt like. “No, this isn’t really me” and I didn’t not complete it. Why does that denial occur? I do want to heal so that I stop picking these types of people over and over.
Hi Amanda,
this can SO happen.
It is so normal for our defenses to give us reasons not to heal.
I promise you that there is a way to target the blocks causing this and then be free to do the inner work.
Cone into the NARP Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member and we can help you with this.
Lots of love Mel 🙏💕💛
o my hat, iam no 1 and 2. That is scary. I will have to work harder to get that healed. Thank you very much for all your recovery updates.
Regards
Sandra Joubert
SA
You are welcome Sandra and I hope that I can help.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Amanda, I remember feeling the same way, that perhaps I hadn’t with a narcissist after all, but with a merely traumatized person; I would tell myself that I’m not that bad. In the end it didn’t matter how I judged my situation. I did want to evolve and grow however. I did NARP anyways.
What I did notice upon doing NARP modules was that the false beliefs, old familiar emotional states, old programming, etc., emerged up and then shifted out. It didn’t matter what I thought about myself. We all have trauma, whether it be inherited or incurred in our lifetimes. I too wanted to stop picking the same types of relationships over and over. The more I did the modules, the less focused I was on figuring out, managing, and controlling my outer circumstances. I could change my perspective from within, and from there, then the outer circumstances. I noticed that I was less and less attracted to unavailable men. I noticed that I suddenly lost desire for situations that were not as life giving for my higher being. I also had to learn to trust myself, that I was leading myself and being led to the most appropriate relationship(s). It took time and experience and Grace. Grateful.
Hi Rhianna,
thank you for offering support to Amanda,.
It is so true Rhianna, it doesn’t matter who the person is or isn’t, it is all about releasing and programming our trauma within.
Much love to you … and I am so pleased you worked with NARP to do this integral inner work anyways!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thankyou so much Mel for your work and your availability. I am (anonymous’s) father and I have been able to forward much of your info to her and I understand she has reached out and sought your help for her recovery from nearly 30 years of abuse by a covert husband of 23 years and then an absolute evil impersonator for nearly 5 years. She had a shared solace relationship briefly which really did neither any good in the long run and another sexual abuse that was covered up. I have not entered your healing program as I felt it was targeted for those who were suffering the abuse but I am reading all I can .I am truly grateful for your response to Robyn and we will make every effort to get her to your Dec 10th workshop.
I am sure you will have shared the experience we have found ourselves in but I would like to share with you from a Father’s perspective. Robyn was groomed by her first boyfriend of 5 years her senior , and became pregnant at 15. We stood by her and went through the dilemma of the decision making. She decided to get married at 16 and we felt we would have lost her if we had not allowed that to go ahead. As it turned out he was a classic street angel – home devil almost immediately they were married. We have,on numerous occasions, had to pick up the pieces when she would leave but go back when the love bombing cycle came about. Even though we were aware of the circumstances, the triggers were too strong until we were able to actually catch him out setting up situation to “prove” she was sick and delusional and we were able to be there to help the leave .
After only a couple of free months she was attacked at her back door and extorted. A guy moved in as supposed “police protection “. Ha ha. He eventually found his way into her bed and captured her and the real evil controlling developed into a vicious cycle of horrible abuse which I understand she has relayed to you. We were not able to get her to overcome the fear and leave , nor were we able to comprehend the depth of the control and fear. We eventually went to a senior Police Officer and laid out our understanding of the problem and asked him to rein this security guy in but only to find that he was part of the control that were using these “snitches” and so protected him and the abuse continued. We had to walk away with heavy hearts until circumstances changed enough for her to want kto make a change. This came about on the arrival of the second child and were able to get her established in a Government house. She let him in to bond with his kids and she couldn’t get rid of him until she was able to successfully fight fabricated charges in court were he was expecting that she would be gaoled for 5/6 years. He planned to take over the house and custody of the kids and live on the parenting pension. He came home early on the day of the court case to get the kids but I was there. When I told the little kids that Mummy had won in court and she was coming home he was lying on the bed and his response was to roll over and bury his face with the exclamation “FUCK”. She finally had a reason which she grabbed hold of and an opportunity to make a break. Fortunately a social worker gave her a suggestion that she listen to Kim Saeed’s “Am I living with a narcissist “ which led us to you and opened up a world of help.. As parents we have been living the abuse in a fashion as there was nothing we could do except love her and keep her and the kids alive . We are continuing to stand by and help but trying to stand back and let her heal and become the person she was meant to be. Rather than the NARP sessions ,do you have a programme that would assist us as loving parents to follow so that we don’t over compensate or hinder her own recovery?0
Hi Arthur,
You are very welcome,
I have edited your post to remove your last name and your daughter’s name, as I feel more comfortable with her details not being in an open public forum, for her safety and anonymity.
Arthur, please know with over 100k subscribers/members my team handle many people as well as myself, and I can’t recall your daughter specifically. I hope that she is in the NARP Forum and receiving our specialized support http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member and also it would be wonderful to have her at my event http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/oztour
Arthur NARP is the trauma releasing program that can help you to help her immensely, focusing on the trauma of N’s you have had in your life, such as her abusers (nad maybe not limited to just that). Where your inner being goes is where hers will powerfully follow.
There are parents in the community who have used NARP very successfully to assist their children who have been N abused.
I hope this helps
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thankyou for the reply. I understood my post was not to be public otherwise I would have been more contained.Even with the edits it is more public than I would like at this stage of recovery.
Thank you, Melanie, for helping reveal, repeating and stressing the the role peptide addiction plays in self-empowerment and dis-empowerment. It is a whole new paradigm (world model) to become educated and practical about the role of the body biochemistry and biophysics as an intrinsic responsibility in one’s life. I am processing the probability that it is responsibility in many respects. The addictive emotional rush itself is the drug that substitutes and masks the healthy emotional rush of self empowerment. The preference for the addictive emotional rush is that the healthy one that had been available to some degree was not yet adequately developed for certain (either subtly or grossly) traumatizing events. The healthy flow was derailed and given up on during a sudden and/or long period of specific emotional overwhelm (“over-stimuilation”) of foreign influence. Our self-empowerment involves growing in our capacity for responsibility for all of this, as well as for the freedoms that follow those capacities. This looks more like our true evolution as a “species” — our bio-psychological evolution. The “overwhelm” is basically specific and accumulated trauma. In its subtleties, depths and ubiquities, trauma might be un-demonized and therefore accepted, dealt with and even used as a catalytic part of life. The foreign influence is often of narcissistic origin and has the practiced skill of invading, claiming and energetically occupying the life-space of those of us who have yet to realize we have yet to occupy and claim our “life-space” in our own specific ways, as naturally allowed to express in our choices and actions. The destructive peptide addiction loop then serves to substitute the creative peptide loops, and to alarm us, as well as open us up to all of the amazing “tough medicine” mirroring what we need to perceive and correct in ourselves. The more understood and accepted, it seems, the more this is a good, vivifying stress, rather than just more stress, so as to not let it become just trauma-compounding. This strikes me as being a deeper level (than normally perceived) of biophysical, emotional and mental responsibility — to become personally conscious of and responsive to. And, it seems more like the true new world paradigm, instead of just becoming increasingly matrix-ed into an AI grid.
o my hat, iam doing no 1 and 2. my ex is the NARCICCIST. That is scary. I will have to work harder to get that healed. Thank you very much for all your recovery updates.
Regards
Sandra Joubert
SA
Yes it happens to children a lot too. I was trauma bonded to a narcissistic parent at a young age. It’s a survival thing …The terror means you have to be very watchful and do everything possible to pacify/ please them…or not be seen. But it doesn’t work. ..It’s unpredictable, and that’s part of the terror as a child (and also when it occurs as an adult.) As a child it leaves you voiceless, shamed, ridiculed , invalidated. Unseen yet targeted. Yes always trying to fix things that no one can fix. Gosh I ‘m feeling pain reading this Mel. So well written and evocative . Thank you for touching that pain, I accept and see that there’s still some there. big love to you Mel xoxo
Big love to you Val,
and I love your continued journey of freeing your inner being frommore pain, to emerge over and over again as your True Self.
You are a true spiritual warrioress Val darling heart.
Mel 🙏💕💛
A TAKING STOCK OF THE ADDICTIVE “SUBSTANCE” (OR ACTION OR NARCISSIST, ETC.)
ADDICTION (AS EITHER INTERNAL OR EXTERNAL SUBSTANCE, ACTION OR PERSON)
IS AN “ANALOGUE PROBLEM”
AND THAT INGENIOUSLY ALSO PROVIDES THE RELIEF FROM ITSELF AS THE “ANALOGUE PROBLEM”,
IN ADDITION TO PROVIDING AN IMMEDIATE, SHALLOW AND CHEESY PSEUDO-RELIEF FROM THE ORIGINAL CHALLENGE
(THAT IS, THE PROBLEM THAT THE ANALOGUE PROBLEM IS AN ANALOGUE TO,
AND THAT IS NOT REALLY BEING HANDLED, BUT RATHER ALLOWED TO EXACERBATE).
THUS, WITH THE ANALOGUE PROBLEM YOU GET THE ABOVE 2 (PSEUDO) “RELIEF HIGHS”
IN EXCHANGE:
(1) FOR KEEPING THE (PEPTIDE-ADDICTIVELY ANCHORED) BELIEF THAT IT IS STILL GENUINELY MORE JOYOUS THAN ACTUALLY HANDLING THE ACTUAL PROBLEM, AND
(2) FOR YOUR ACTUAL WELL-BEING, AND HOW THIS ACTUALLY AFFECTS YOUR LIFE PURPOSE, AS WELL AS ACTUAL OTHERS AND WORLD.
THANKS AGAIN.
That’s very true Michman,
addiction is the quick fix that provides self-avoidant relief that only compounds the unmet true causation trauma – which is always within.
Mel 🙏💕💛
i have a very close friend. every time she visits her mate hoovers her and triggers her to make an excuse and goes back. i ask her if ya have to go just say, no i be back soon. cycle repeats. so them i’ll run through standard moaning texts. she goes back to default setting aka ghosting. its a triangulation tactic he been playing all year. playing us off against each other. that’s a sure thing. so he causes us to clash, not in a nasty personal attacks but pointing out the facts. now i believe this is a form of (covert trauma bonding.). do u think thats a good term to describe this tactic it.
Hi Doug,
she is trauma-bonded for sure.
Truly Doug, the only way anyone can take their power back and get out of this (and I speak from so much personal and well as mission experience) is to not focus on ‘their’ tactics, because we can’t change other people – but to focus on our unhealed, unfinished emotional trauma business that causes us to seek others to grant us the missing pieces of self.
The only way you can really help her is to direct her to my work, rather than getting involved with analyzing him.
And to help you, it is about being honest with her about what your values and truths are and what you need for the friendship to continue (lovingly and directly) and then being prepared to walk that line.
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Beautiful article, Mel!
So enlightening, as always.
I was thinking I may be trauma bonded to my mother- who isn’t a narcissist. She has high conscious and is very giving, yet, she is so hurtful at times, making very judgmental comments.
I’m wondering then how love really feels, when I experience such mixed emotions towards her.
In contrast to my relationship with my mother, when I have arguments with my children and others, I don’t feel that such arguments or disagreements “suck me dry” like I feel with her. With others I feel there is a mutual attempt to resolve issues. Yet, with my mom, she simply says that my opinions are not rational, she is right, I am wrong .
Don’t know what to do about it. Kind of already resolved that this is the situation with her and can’t be changed.
If you have any thoughts on what to do here, would love to hear them.
Hi Jane,
thank you hun!
I have another TTV coming out very soon that will answer this in great detail for you.
Stay tuned!
Mel 🙏💕💛
💕 💕 💕
Thank you for this and ALL of the episodes, blogs and the NARP program you gift to the world. Each episode rings true for me, and often comes in a timely sequence to what is happening for me. Just the other day I was realizing how addicted I was. How I need to consider myself to be in recover in the same was as any addict. I don’t want that label, and there is part of me that pushes that idea away…somehow I am supposed to be “better” than that. Today, after another episode with the N, as I walked through the forest, listening to the relax and healing meditation, I succumbed to an urge to drop to my knees at the end and really feel the white light and embrace. After yesterday, I was convinced that I hadn’t healed at all, that I may never heal and that everything I do is false self and what is real self.
I’m still living on our property with the N and our kids in the main house, and I’m in a room behind the garage. So, only about 20% no contact. And, the circumstances I have accepted, given I have no income at present, entrench me in this unhealthy bond. The very things you talk about security, safety…all of it, is wrapped up in him. I am at his mercy. I’ve been on the waiting list for a lawyer, and finally have an appointment on November 12th. He has advised me that if I go to a lawyer things will get worse for me, but I know that this is the right thing to do. The thing is, I have no where to go right now. The addiction and circumstances make it hard to pick up and start earning money again, and I succumb to distractions that keep me from taking the steps I need to to re-enter the work force and re-engage my financial freedom. It is all a jumble. Today’s episode reminds me though, that the way I am consciously thinking about my reality is distorted, chemically, by the trauma addiction I have. I will work with my lawyer (and find the money somehow to pay her) to make sure that I can maximize the no-contact for a long enough time that I can clear that chemical addiction aspect. Every time I engage with him, it is definitely like using. I’m afraid though, that once I start to negotiate our circumstance through a lawyer that I am vulnerable here and I’m not sure what to do.
Thank you again for everything!
Linda
Hi Linda,
big hugs and love to you.
I gather that you are a NARP member http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp ?
Far and away Linda the most powerful thing you can do, is when you are triggered into the addiction is work NARP Modules to detox it out of your system.
It works powerfully and extremely quickly if you commit to it.
Then space will open up for wellbeing, energy, possibility, action and also the reciprocal support for others that you are generating within yourself.
It truly is the ONLY real and the easiest way I know for all of us out of this incredible phenomenon.
Please consider committing with all your heart to NARP to get well, and also reach out to us in the NARP support forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member for help when needed.
That is how you will create your emancipation in a straight and powerful line.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank you Mel, I am a member absolutely. And I am ramping up my consistency with the modules…I’m on repeat for Module 2 at the moment and also insert 5 quite often. I also do the healing and relaxation meditation almost every morning on my forest walk.
It is helping definitely. The practicalities are still scary, but they are not preventing me from doing the NARP work, or from starting every day with a renewed commitment to my intentions to connect with source, to trust and to believe.
Again, thank you for everything. I know that this is where my true healing lives.
~Linda
Hi Linda,
that is awesome.
You have got this lovely lady!!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Never has anything rung so true for me and been so timely appearing in my inbox. Things have been going from bad to worse with my ex to the point where I feel like I’m going mad. Lucky to have lots of friends rooting for me but they are starting to get really frustrated that I can’t just end it completely so now feel I’m letting them down and the pressure just gets worse. This article has helped massively to make me feel I’m not mad, just trauma bonded. Thank you for this and every other article I’ve read, they have kept me just about sane.
Hi Liz,
I am so pleased this information has helped you.
I encourage you to check out my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to find out how to detox the peptide addiction inside you powerfully.
Much love to you and your family.
Mel 🙏💕💛
THANK YOU Melonia,
This couldn’t have come at better time. I just got booted out of my home by someone I am obviously Trauma Bonded to. I suspected she might be a Narcissist but she doesn’t fit the extroverted outlandish Narcissism I have seen and experienced in the past. Is it possible to be Trauma Bonded but neither of you in a couple is a Narcissist, or does at least one of the couple have to be a Narcissist? I almost lost my life over this relationship. Thank god it’s over and I’m safe.
Kathryn
Hi Kathryn,
you may be able to get some useful content on this question from my answer to Ann.
Additional to that, please know we can get trauma-bonded to any substance, thing or person that is seemingly granting us ‘relief’ from an unmet, unhealed part within ourselves. In no way does it have to be a ‘narcissist’. Its just with narcissists because they are False Sources it always happens.
Another word for being trauma-bonded is ‘addicted’.
If you come inside to meet the ‘addicted urging part within’ you will get to the root of what is REALLY going on.
It is never even about the thing, or person … they are simply a self-medication unconscious relief channel.
When we understand that and address it, they lose all influence over us and we firmly take our power back.
Love and healing to you.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Mel,
I know narcissism can overlap with Borderline Personality Disorder at times. Someone I loved was diagnosed with BPD but not NPD. However, I 100% relate to this article with my situation. It completely resonates with me. I’m just wondering if I relate because BPD can be similar in its effect or if its more the NPD in this person that had its impact in this way or both? Just wondering if you can give your thoughts on this…it’s my biggest question.
Thank you!
Hi Ann,
please know Dear Lady, disappointing, painful or confusing relationships create trauma – regardless of who that person ‘is’. The only way we ever release ourselves into the true life that we wish to live, is to get very clear on what we want and need from others to feel safe, cared for and respected and then ask for what is our truth.
If we don’t, truly, regardless of what someone else is or isn’t doing, then we are not creating our own safety, care and respect for ourselves – which is our job its no-one else’s.
If this person won’t step up or doesn’t have the resources to, then we have a decision to make. The healthy one is to let go, regardless of their ‘condition’ and seek out a life and people who do want to be, and do have the resources to align with our values and truths.
Can you see how this takes all of the Wrongtown focus out of trying to work out who they are, and how that may have affected us? It’s actually not about who they are or what they did, it is about who we decide to BE.
In no way can we take our power and life back if that is not the focus.
I hope this really helps.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank you so much Mel for the information you have just written.
I’m trying so hard not to have contact with my N husband whom I’ve emotionally been associated with for 49 years now.
Over those 49 years, we were married for 37 years and for the past 12 years we have lived apart. I got the strength to move out from a very unhealthy situation on a physical level but definitely I’ve known for some time now not on an emotional one.
Since leaving him and our home, it’s like we have just chosen to live apart physically but still stayed in contact almost on a daily basis for 12 years.
Many, many times I’ve wondered to myself why am I staying in this unhealthy relationship?? My family and friends have asked me the same question.
Four years ago I started dating other men. (Afterall I knew he was secretly dating other women)
I’d been out on several coffee/dinner dates with very kind men and ended up over a 3 year period of having two brief relationships (4 months & 7 months respectively). I ended both relationships – the last one was last December.
At the time I decided to date, I honestly thought yes I’m ready to move on with my life. And I certainly didn’t want anyone to fall in love with me and use or hurt anyone intentionally.
The outcome of both those brief relationships of whom both men “said and showed” they loved me, was that I couldn’t continue the relationship with them because I realised I still loved my ex. I was honest with them right from the start that I still saw Him regularly for dinner outings/see our kids and grandkids. I told both men what I thought was “my truth” and that was, that my ex husband and I were just friends (which was the pact we made with each other 12 years ago when I left him).
Over the past 4 years I’ve I tried so hard to not be so emotionally attached to my ‘N’ husband but to no avail. (Ha I now see why my attempts failed …..addicted to him wow!).
Since leaving my N Husband in 2008 (we are still not divorced), I often thought to myself what is wrong with me? Why can’t I get over Him? Why when I’ve tried no contact I feel like my world comes crashing down on me. I have no energy, I often feel so so empty. To be honest I feel weak and in emotional pain as I write this. Trying the no contact option yet again for a thousand times is so so difficult for me. I’m not living, to be honest I’m merely existing.
I realised last week in Bali (for a family members party) that our relationship is so so toxic and I said to him, honestly and openly that we are destroying one another by continued contact.
Mel, I’ve been watching quite a few of your videos and read your 16 day programme and after reading just now about trauma bonding and peptide addiction I now realise I’m addicted to this N of mine.
Oh my goodness, I’m laughing to myself! How I’ve consciously stayed clear of addictive behaviour, whether it be being careful not to become addicted to medication or alcohol knowing full well the consequences of an addicts life. I know this because I’ve known people that are or have been addicted to ice and also I have a brother and an elderly mother who are addicted to gambling.
I’ve visually seen how their addictions have had a terrible affect on their lives. How it’s affected them individually and their loved ones too.
I am in awe of you and I am so grateful of the work you do Melanie. I can see clearly now that I am a “peptide addict” and have been severely affected from trauma bonding.
After some education on narcissism over the past weeks, thanks to you and your blogs/videos/emails, and I might add a couple of lovely, warm, informative emails from your support staff, I can see I need to do the NARP work to get better and to be able to start living a life free of slavery to someone else.
To be able to live my authentic self is what I’ve been aiming for for most of my life. I’m now 68, still functioning relatively ok, I have so much to be grateful for but just about always I’m burdened with a constant heavy and sad heart. The only time I feel lighter is when I get a “fix” and see my N.
I need to do join your NARP Programme as soon as possible.
Of course, I will need support cause trying to mend the injured me by myself has clearly not worked right up until this very moment as I write this message to you.
One again I’m so grateful to you Melanie. You are a Human angel 😇 walking this earth.
Sending this message with much love and gratitude.
Love Ros
💞💞
Oh Ros darling,
I am so pleased you now have clarity on what has been really happening.
It’s so your time to reclaim your soul and life.
NARP is the total answer Dear Lady http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and we are all here to help you.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Also thank you to everyone whom contributes with an open heart to this forum.
It’s so comforting, I’m not alone and not so crazy as I often thought I was.
Much love to you all.
Ros xx
I wish I could be a Narp member, however I am on disability and a single mom now. I hope to gain insight and strength using your other tools.
I finally left my narcissistic partner of 10 years. I left because he is an alcoholic and got 3rd. DUI in 10 years. I was pushed by family to give up on his destructive behavior. But I’m trauma bonded
5 weeks later and all I want is to be with him even though I know how wrong he is for me. I found out he is already over me. Also that he is with other people. One he cheated on me with 3 years ago and got with again last year when we separated. I’m so eaten up with jealousy. Why do I have such little value to him? He says I can do better and move on. I want nothing more than to be free of him but I’m obsessing over it.
Please help me I’m drowning in my own mind.
My family fears this is just another sick game he’s playing with me.
Hi Melodie,
Please know that 10 percent of all NARP programs are sponsored and available for free to people in financial need.
You can apply for sponsorship by writing into my support team at [email protected]
Hun NARP is your best chance of getting rid of the addictive trauma.
Big hugs to you, you can make it and we are here to help hold and help you.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thirty years ago, we went into therapy together, my husband’s instigation, he arranged it all, but was not prepared to work and just insulted the therapist by being superior all the time. It ended with my going alone, and eventually suffering severe depression, and breakdown, as I felt it to be all my fault. In the background was his new partner, ready and waiting for my discard, so painful. Recently after all these years and the death of his last partner, he sent a gift with a long letter, telling me all about the high powered jobs, and his trips around the world. For weeks I was on cloud nine, as the ‘love’ was still there, or, I am still addicted in some way. But the cruelness was that he left no address, and this was because, he says I was too manipulative. After all these years, he has me back in the palm of his hand, missing all these years and still ready to hurt. It had taken so long to recover from the desperate lonliness and indeed, hope for my lost dreams. They are strange people and so hard to understand. Thankyou Melanie for your love and support through your programmes, seeing you and your beautiful cat, and hearing your important knowledge gives me hope.
Awww Laura darling,
Sending you the love and strength and determination to pull away, go total No Contact and heal.
It’s your time lovely Lady to come home to yourself.
Are you doing the NARP healing and are you in the NARP members forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member so that we can help you get there?
Biggest hugs
Mel 🙏💕♥️
Melanie,
Thank you so very much for all you do! Xo
Hi Beth,
It’s my pleasure.
Bless
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie,
I am writing to thank you again for your faithful commitment to people’s recovery from N abuse.
My experience is so in the past that when I read your blog it reminds me of the horror – but only as if it was in some other dimension.
It is good to remember that when we heal we must also REFILL. That is, that in the place of being USED by a Narc, we aren now able to experience genuine love. Until this happens, we have not completely reached WHOLENESS- which is the goal. So that we are not just survivors, but THRIVERS.
SO even if I feel totally out of the TRAUMA cycle, I am not fooled into believing that all is well until I am actually enjoying a TRUE BOND, not a TRAUMA BOND. Obviously, Narcs promised something we wanted. Now, that that’s clear, we should be ENABLED TO HAVE IT securely in our keeping.
If I am free from the self delusion of Narc bs, then I AM FREE to have the REAL THING
But, I have to BeCome secure in a TRUE ONENESS before this is truly over. This will be the measure of wellness.
Just a thought.
So much love to you and gratitude for your tireless giving.
Wow Iris,
So so true …. the REAL bond, not the trauma one.
As always profound Dear Lady and thank you.
Mel 🙏💕💛
HI Mel!
feeling really low and in throws of peptide cr*p —- decided to try the healing meditation. Which was lovely and made me tear up in parts (like someone – the angel – caring about my anxiety and looking to relieve it etc) — lovely
just when got to the part about god and heard the pronoun ‘He’ I had to stop. Is there a way to edit audio files? God as a ‘he’ is so tied to male-dominated (human created) religions and is so limiting — I can’t tie myself to that. Truly god is so far beyond our human descriptions. I get triggered by it yes — from looong history of man-made religion abuse (100s yrs etc) but also just from what I know to be true — that ‘god’ is so far beyond what we can grasp. it is so restrictive to put it into human form – especially human male form (really looking at and dealing w looong line over millennia of female repression in cultures on this planet). As a woman or a girl — if ‘god’ is referred to as ‘He’ then we are not a part of ‘god’ we are not in that lineage!
Ideally there should be a pronoun just for divine energy — that which is so far beyond human understanding — limitations!!
I don’t know what that pronoun is — but there should be one!! : )
‘god energy’ or ‘divine’ or that which lies beyond — there really are no words!!
(I meant I could edit it to listen to it) —
Trauma Bonding totally explains why my mother stayed with my psychopathic father for 60+ years. As for me, I went No Contact with my father for the last 3 years of his life, no regrets, no temptations to break it. Even the hospital staff said he was “dangerous” while he was a patient there. My mother lived a very sad life, run by him. I will not ramble on about what I saw happen between them on those rare occasions I would visit (every 5 years, more or less). Let’s just say theirs’ was a Classic Sick Symbiotic Abusive Relationship. Obviously my mother had to be as sick as my father to endure his behaviour and “survive” over 6 decades. As for me, I have done a lot of healing, and have finely-tuned Crazy People Radar. In fact I am allergic to crazies. It’s easy for me to walk away as soon as any symptoms of Nutso Puppy behaviour surfaces. I don’t need drama in my life. Being alone beats being abused, hands down.
You are doing great work, Melanie, and this focus on family members is definitely needed. That’s often where the craziness begins for people, whether adults or children. Children and adult children have a lot to learn about what healthy is, when all they’ve grown up with is madness. Narcissists love to play their children against the other parent, against each other, and loving them does not enter into the equation. It’s a Great Day when one finally learns to move on and choose healthy people to be with.
I have this. I hate my ex. He raped me and abused me. Yet I still think of him. It fucks me up.
Dear Malenie, I am where you were at the is life worth continuing stage. I’m a strong person in general. At least I thought I was.
Warmly,
Leanne
Trauma bonding (TB) is also like a breach or non-consenting invasion of your whole inner being. Part of the point of tb is to cause trauma where there isn’t any. It’s what jealous petty twerps do when they can’t stand how strong or whole or healthy or healed another person is, so the only way they try to get at you and break you is through your integrity, doing all the crazy insane shockingly unacceptable behaviors to floor you and bring you to your knees so they feel they have control over you and making you feel weak and susceptible to having to accept reality on their terms which isn’t reality at all, just a silly convoluted child fantasy to have everyone obey and mirror their every whim and desire and dependent on them so they can feel heroic. Of course real and true heroes and heroines help you gain healthy and harmonious freedoms, independence and sense of purpose. They help you fill your life with meaning and beauty and depth without any loss of soul or energy or traumatic wounding. They create competence whereas narcs foster dependency, false power and fear of loss or alienation (part of what hooks some into addiction and pointless, greedy “socializing” for supply). They’re just crumby and ultimately humiliate themselves.
Intellectually I knew I was Trauma Bonded, but I didn’t really get how bad it was until I got away and started experiencing true love and support. Then I had a frame of reference for how badly I was treated. After 20 years of that insanity, I was incredibly trauma bonded. I excused his behavior with many reasons, none of them the truth. I put up with it all because I was always putting his needs first. And the worst, most exhausting part was I was always protecting the community from him. I knew he would ruin gatherings or events with his narcissistic comments and behaviors. He would actually hijack a huge party by bragging about his story telling abilities, which did not go well.
So I constantly maneuvered to keep him away from people. We still live in the same small town. Sometimes I still protect others because I don’t want them going through what I went through. But with practice and awareness, I surrender this need to “save” everyone. Slowly I’m healing and thriving. Becoming aware of the Trauma Bond has helped me more than anything else, thank-you for your wise guidance Melanie!