Melanie Tonia Evans

7 Steps To Recovering From Narcissistic Financial Abuse

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 18
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

I really do believe that narcissistic financial abuse is one of the most excruciating things to try to recover from.

Truly, to add injury to insult, not only are we smashed emotionally and mentally by narcissists, it is also very usual that the losses financially are hefty.

Narcissists are loose and unaccountable they love to sidle up to people who will mop up their messes for them. They are also parasitical and entitled. They believe what is yours is theirs and as soon as the ship in the relationship starts sinking, the narcissist is already thinking about all the cargo they can hoist into their lifeboat – leaving you destitute and sinking behind.

Often in these types of toxic relationships, narcissistic financial abuse is happening even before the cracks appear.

After all, it always was all about them, so why would finances be any different? (Please don’t get confused about altruistic narcissistic being different with this, because they use ‘generosity’ to get narcissistic supply).

Most people who connect with narcissists are good people, and we find narcissistic financial abuse incredibly difficult to comprehend. We have a conscience and don’t believe in taking any more that is rightfully ours.

It’s not until we understand and accept how narcissists think that we can get our head around what they are up to and why they do it.

The narcissist’s model of the world is one where they believe others operate as they do – and who gets in first wins.  They truly believe that you are a bad person, and they are the victim. There is every twisted justification as to why you owe them, and why they are entitled to take from you.

This has devastated more people than we could ever imagine and will continue to do so until people know how to empower themselves against it.

To help you learn how to do this, I wanted to grant you these very important 7 steps that I have found highly successful regarding healing from narcissistic financial abuse.

 

Step 1: Stop Any More Destruction To Your Finances

It’s time to do the actions that enforce the ultimate boundary of ‘No More!’

Start thinking like the enemy. Secure away all that you can and don’t leave yourself open to any more financial abuse. Think that the unthinkable is possible. Many others and I have suffered incredible narcissistic financial abuse, including account theft by narcissists, such as them forging cheques.

Tighten and close down any hatches that the narcissist can get to your stuff through. And I mean it when I say, leave no stone unturned, because you have no idea exactly what a narcissist is capable of doing. Also, if you are leaving a narcissist, know that anything of value, if left behind could be ensnared by the narcissist and used to keep you hooked for narcissistic supply, or even sold out from underneath you. Plan wisely and have things removed when the narcissist doesn’t know and store them where the narcissists can’t find them.

A very dear friend of mine is going through this right now. She didn’t believe that her husband who displays narcissistic traits would ever stoop so low. She left the marriage and the home, and now everything that is of value to her, he will not let her have access to.

She didn’t see it coming.

 

Step 2: Don’t Try To Make a ‘Deal’

Those who experienced narcissistic financial abuse, including myself, tried to smooth things over, be nice, cut a deal, come to arrangements and the like. All this does is keep feeding the narcissist energy and keeps you hooked into them. They are not interested in playing fair, doing the right thing or making arrangements. They simply want you to hurt, and them to win and gain the egoic significance of knowing that they have you caught up in their web.

Often what happens is while you are trying to make arrangements and deals with them, the narcissist is angling for how, now, they can get even more money or stuff out of you. They know, because we are good people, that if they ‘give us their word’ we will try to keep the peace, do the right thing and may even be susceptible to lending them more money or doing more favours for them so that they will come good on their ‘promise’.

The truth is narcissists are only telling us what we want to hear to make this possible.

Know this: No deal with a narcissist stands unless it is signed and sealed on the dotted line and can be enforced legally. (Even then it is suspect.)

 

Step 3: Make Peace With What You Have Lost or Are Going To Lose

As we know, narcissists love to take your money and your stuff and hold it over you to keep you hooked to them – it’s fabulous A-grade narcissistic supply.

Know this: if you have no way of legally retrieving what is yours, accept it’s not coming back to you.

If you legally can go after them do (I have a resource here that can help you know how to defeat narcissists legally) but if not, the following is vital to understand:

Firstly, the narcissist has convinced themselves you owe them at least what they have taken. Secondly, them withholding is used as a tool to torture you, as malicious vindication for the narcissist considering what they believe you did to them.

There is only one way out of that hellhole, let go and do everything you can to make PEACE with your losses. Sometimes we have to pay to have our rubbish removed.

The truth is our soul health is worth far more than any physical thing. I know, when I lost copious amounts (pretty much everything I had worked my entire life for), I had to work very hard with Quanta Freedom Healing to release the excruciating trauma of that.

It worked. I did reach complete peace, and I know so many others who have also.

Please know, it can be hard to shift our pain and rage at the narcissist for skipping off into the sunset, apparently thrilled with taking what is ours, while we are left behind broken and destitute.

Through inner healing and aligning ourselves with the truth, we can let this go too. Narcissists are never having a great time, no matter what they do or don’t have. It is all illusionary.

But WE can generate real, and incredibly soul gratifying lives.

Which leads us to the next important step.

 

Step 4: Fully Commit To the Healing Process

This is where you can turn inwards to make your greatest mission, vocation and purpose about healing, self-integrating and valuing your soul.

Through narcissistic financial abuse, and losing all that we thought ‘was us’, we get to release the identity hold of our ego and come home to truly loving ourselves unconditionally, without props, just as ourselves.

When you heal through these layers, the relief is indescribable regardless of what you do or don’t have yet.

I can’t tell you what happened for me when I accepted this as my greatest necessity, and all else took a back seat. For the first time ever, I started to rejoice in the wealth of the small things, and gratitude filled my incredibly humble life.

The support and love that started entering my life genuinely, for really the first time in my life, was overwhelmingly beautiful. And finally, I was present enough to see it and be with it.

If you, possibly for the first time ever, drop the ego need to rebuild and be seen as accomplished and successful, and let go of the need for stuff and acquisitions now, and instead put the wealth of your soul and its recovery right up to your highest priority – I can’t tell you how much all of Life/Source/God will start to nourish and flourish you genuinely beyond measure.

 

Step 5: Heal Your Deficient Money Beliefs

This is a vital step that many people miss after narcissistic financial abuse. If you just try to push on and get back out there in the world to recover the money and resources you lost, you are not truly honouring yourself, and your recovery will be missed.

I can’t tell you enough how this is one of the most serious mistakes I see people make. Yes, it’s true we must survive and keep food on the table and the roof over our head. So, do that,  but take the pressure off yourself to fly and succeed.

Your wings are broken and need to mend before you can fly again.

Then you will be able to be aligned with abundance and flow, without fear.

My life changed dramatically when I cleared the numerous (I had tons) of blocks regarding revenue and wellbeing. I also had terrible self-sabotaging beliefs about trying to earn and buy people’s love and very scanty boundaries regarding money. Deep in my healing, I realised how I was never going to be successful no matter how hard I tried. These traumas had kept me locked into painful financial trajectories like heat seeming missiles over and over again.

If it hadn’t been for two narcissists bring me to my knees financially, and be being supremely dedicated to finding, releasing and healing the traumas that I discovered with the NARP work – I would not be living the incredible, abundant and fertile life I live today.

I also saw that every time I released the fear of debt or not bring enough or having lost 40 years of life effort financially that miracles started to appear in my life, including financially.

Because my Inner Identity no longer needed wealth to fulfil it because it was becoming more and more whole on the inside, abundant opportunities and my own inspiration started to organically come.

Not because I needed it, because I was BEING it.

Since cleaning up my painful financial beliefs, after honouring and healing my soul health first, my life has changed beyond description on these topics, and so will yours.

 

Step 6: Release The Guilt of Having Put People You Love Through Financial Hardship

Many of us have struggled with this next important step.

After narcissist number 1 my son was devastated that we lost his home. He was traumatised beyond measure regarding the step down in accommodation that we had to make.

I promise you that, when I led the way and accepted that what was happening to us was a part of our soul evolution, including his, and got ‘okay’ with it, he followed.

I am so proud to say now that my son is not superficial and doesn’t prize ‘stuff’ over people or his soul. We both generated incredible building of our lives, and he is a successful self-actualised balanced adult financially.

Rather than there being ‘scars’ concerning what we went through, the rebuild, starting with our souls, was some of the most powerful and abundant lessons we ever learnt.

 

Step 7: Become Who You Are Truly Meant To Be

So many people work in vocations they don’t like, just to make money. That isn’t a living. It’s a dying.

My suggestion is, whilst you are healing and aligning with your soul, to cover your needs with a job that is not going to be all-consuming, even if it isn’t your dream purpose.

Then as you release trauma and heal, start asking yourself the following questions: WHO am I?  What lights me up? What do I want to unfold from within me to make a difference? What unique contribution can I make?

I also suggest doing specific Quanta Freedom Healing Shifts on any traumas getting in the way of you aligning with the answers to these questions. Many people who have done this, have fast-tracked toward the unfoldment of their true soul’s missions, that have not only gratified their sense of purpose magnificently but also provided grand abundance to them as well.

Which is exactly what happens when we get on soul and on song!

I promise you that when you devote to healing and releasing your True Self, your mission will emerge from within. It starts as feelings and urges and the more you shift out the doubts and blocks within you, the more this will come into focus, bringing opportunities, possibility and miracle in to cogenerate it with you.

I hope that these 7 steps have provided you with a way through that will grant you clarity, direction, relief and personal power.

(If this article is really resonating with you and you would like to learn more about the complete system I have developed to not only survive but Thrive after narcissistic financial abuse, with the use of energetic work, then I recommend you take a look at the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program.)

I look forward to answering your comments and questions about this very important topic.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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55 Thoughts on 7 Steps To Recovering From Narcissistic Financial Abuse
  • Naomi.king@outlok.com'
    Naomi
    January 31, 2019

    Bless you Melanie this post really opened up my heart and reflect on the ways that prosperity should be seen and known – these gems come from inside of us and it took me to 42 to realise it. I can so the difference in the ways I was programmed which really was all about knowing how to lose and going after more and trying to keep up and get a job with more responsibilities killing myself trying and I ask how is this love? How is this truth and would our creator treat us like this – god no. Got me out of my head this post and into my heart so much forgiveness to be done in my journey and yes need to take that journey from the inside.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 31, 2019

      Hi Naomi,

      It so is about going within Dear Lady and finding and releasing the traumas driving the false beliefs.

      Then we do reset back to wellness. Including prosperity and abundance.

      Wishing you wonderful healing and breakthroughs.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • laurahoppe@gmx.de'
      Diane
      February 1, 2019

      Hi Melanie,

      I am experiencing the tricks and manipulation of my covert ex . 15 years and two kids, now i.m being systematically destroyed. He seeks pleasure in avenging me. The fight is on, and I ambeing portrayed as the abuser.

      I have only just discovered the divided nature of covert narcissm and terrified I,ll lose my kids and home.

      Please wish me hope Melanie,
      I,m not in a good place.

      Diane

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        February 2, 2019

        Hi Diane,

        My heart goes out to you for what you are feeling and what you are going through.

        Please know Diane step number one is to start getting some relief and power inside of you, emotionally. That is key and the very basis of how to combat narcissistic abuse effectively.

        The challenge is initially this feels totally counter intuitive to do.

        How I can help you get fast relief and clarity is here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

        I hope this can help.

        Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • andrea_hobkirk@yahoo.com'
    Andrea
    January 31, 2019

    So my stbx who is dragging things on , traveling the world w/ his girl new is saying he wants me to stay in the house with our sons. I want to stay too. We love it here and our neighbors help us a lot. He has taken everything else and o so have to buy him out. My self worth and my love for helping women in our shoes has grown tremendously! I have shifted and I do not fear him at all. I feel my purpose is to help women and direct them after narcissistic abuse. I used self Reiki, journaling, yoga, meditation and your work 7 days a week to heal. I was 100% dedicated! Now what? This is my life’s purpose. I need to do this work. It’s my calling but I do not know the next step.

    • louisejones@live.ie'
      Louise
      January 31, 2019

      I received divorce papers today and only now realise how far my ex narc husband is prepared to go to completely destroy me financially and possibly leave myself and my 2 young adult daughters without a family home. I can’t sleep but I am strangely calm knowing that we will be free soon. I can’t afford your course right now Melanie but I am reading all the blogs emails you send and they are helping significantly,
      Thank you so much

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        January 31, 2019

        Hi Louise,

        That is wonderful you feel calm on the inside, that defuses their power so much.

        I’m glad my information is helping.

        Sending strength, healing and breakthrough to you.

        Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 31, 2019

      Hi Andrea,

      Are you in the NARP Forum? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      There we can help guide you with the use of the Goal Setting Module to get clear on the Goal, and clear all resistance in its way.

      And / or the Empowered Self Course https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/empoweredself-course.html can help you powerfully align to your mission and dharma.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Tmborn@aol.com'
    Annie
    January 31, 2019

    he would call me and video message me 20 times a day at least to see where I am because he “missed” me. Go through my phone all the time.He is the one that cheated on me multiple times. Every where we went, he’d make up something about how I was looking at this guy or that guy.. or who was I talking to when I wasn’t when it was him who would shamlessly stare at women. Every time I would finally blow up, sick of all his shit, he would turn into a demon and say horrible things while I held our baby, afraid. Every time he has ever left me after I can’t stand it anymore he leaves me with hundreds of dollars of bills. I am struggling. He has never paid child support I do not want him getting visitation or anything so I’m afraid to go after support.. he is not healthy to be around for me or my son to be around.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 31, 2019

      Hi Annie,

      My heart goes out to you. What you are going through is horrible and please know myself and this community is here for you.

      I’d love to help you start to get clarity, answers, relief and power. Have you signed up to my 16 day free course, which I know can help you so much?

      It’s here for you: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Please know with knowledge, tools and support – step by step you can get through this.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • eedialojam@gmail.com'
    Annon 2
    January 31, 2019

    Thanks so much Melanie

    Presently this is precisely where I’m at…financial loss…and it’s yet escalating while I wait for my date with the divorce court.

    I realise I’m ahead of the curve because even before getting this video episode, I had accepted, prompted by knowledge from your previous episodes and NARP program, that the narcissists will stop at nothing to milk everything I ever worked for. I am now drawn to literature like this episode, which teach how to get rid of limiting self defeating beliefs regarding self and ability to financially thrive. Because I must learn it is totally up to me to do it for myself and have Faith in God too that I can’t help but succeed…for He created me for success. Through your program and experience on the ground I’m getting affirmation of that fact. Now that my back is not turned on my inner person.

    Thank you Melanie.
    God bless you for your generous spirit..!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 31, 2019

      Hi Annon2,

      It’s my pleasure!

      It’s so so great you are doing the work on this on the inside.

      That is where the true power is.

      You’ve got this!

      Sending love, breakthroughs and blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • lynterryoc@hotmail.com'
    Lyn O'Connor
    January 31, 2019

    Dear Melanie, I bought your program for my daughter 3 years ago when her narcissistic husband cheated on her. She does your meditation and tries very hard to heal, but he is remarrying soon and she has gone backwards and is an emotional mess. It has brought back all the old hurt. Blaming herself for not being a good wife and mother. She has a 5year old daughter which they share, she looks upon the other women has her mum and this kills my daughter. Asking WHY did this happen. I don’t know how to help her. She is turning 40 soon and did not think her life would be like this. Friends keep telling her to get over it, and many have left because of it. I don’t think she will ever recover from this experience. But I pray she will find happiness again. I listen to all your videos so I can understand what she has gone through and going through. Is there a time factor for healing?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 31, 2019

      Hi Lyn,

      Please know, regarding your daughter, it is about, when she is triggered, to keep doing the NARP work on what has arisen within her.

      Then she will totally break through to relief and the next level of her healing.

      Are you able to help encourage her to do that?

      Also, I highly suggest that your daughter reaches out, when in need and triggered, in the NARP Forum so that we can help support her.

      So many NARP Thrivers understand and know exactly what she is feeling and going through- and how to heal past it.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      She doesn’t have to through this alone.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • quintonedward.jantjies@gmail.com'
    Quinton
    January 31, 2019

    Thank you for this article Melanie. Your work is always so well timed. I am currently working on my financial blocks and the more I do, I am realizing the stuff in me that is keeping those blocks in place. It has a lot to do with past life and childhood stories and events and vows etc. Not to mention low self worth which I believe is connected to our $ worth.

    Also wanted to say thank you for your book. I enjoyed reading it even though I have a busy schedule. I got through a few days on just 4 hours sleep or maybe less because of wanting to read ‘just a bit more’ and postponing bedtime.

    Your book motivated me to start NARP again. I made the mistake that you warn against in the book which is to not stop the inner healing work once we start feeling relief. I did not always work with a module on an issue to completion as I would normally stop once the worst of the fear or guilt or pain was gone. Sometime during my 5th sitting with a module on a certain issue, I would feel so good after the first two sections that I would not do the goal section. This time however, I will work my issues through to completion.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 31, 2019

      Hi Wuinton,

      I’m so pleased this is helpful for you!

      I so, so agree with you regarding self worth and financial worth!

      That is awesome that you are working on your internal blocks.

      I’m glad you enjoyed my book, and are back with gusto into NARP.

      Truly no amount of ‘doingness’ can overcome our hardwired defunct ‘beingness’.

      Your diligent inner transformation will deliver you to what you desire. It is seeking you as much as you are seeking it.

      Many continued blessings to you Quinton.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • katricoughlan@gmail.com'
    Katri Coughlan
    January 31, 2019

    Dear Melanie,
    I have been reading your emails and blogs and watching your tv episodes for over a year now. They have been an amazing help in my journey to where I am now. Thank you so much. You are an inspiration!
    My husband left me in a foreign country (where we came to only 4 years ago for his job) 18 months ago after 15 years together with three young kids, youngest only 3 at the time. I had been a stay at home mom for nearly 10 years as he was building a successful professional sports career. Neither of us are from this country we reside in. I didn’t speak the language very well and had no job or savings. Now, just a year and a half later everything I ever put aside in my marriage has come back to me with abundance! I became a yoga instructor and have recently started working at a gym close by teaching fitness classes (something I used to do before) and they have opened a new yoga studio where I get to start teaching. I won the first custody case and was awarded the main custody of my children. He is not happy and is taking us to court again over this! He has a very busy job and his new partner that he moved on with very quickly after he left me is already pregnant with his child. Our children are of such different age and so they are dealing with this in very different ways…my 9-yr old daughter was completely devastated after the separation and the baby news has broken her heart again. I’m at my wits end with her as she sleeps in my bed every night. Something she hasn’t done since she was a baby! Is there a particular blog or tv episode that deals with this?
    I have recently met a wonderful man who has been through a difficult time in his life and he understands me so well and we have so much in common.
    I never thought I would be able to feel this happy again. I have done so much work on myself and feel that only when I was ready to receive the universe started granting me things that I was well overdue.
    Thank you so much again. I look forward to reading your emails!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 31, 2019

      Hi Katri,

      Congratulations for doing so well with your moving forward and healing for you and your children and I’m so pleased my information has helped.

      Katri, the main component I have found helps our children is us doing healings ‘on them’ with the NARP Program.

      If you google my name + children you will find many resources I have created passionately about this topic which is very Dear to my heart.

      These resources will explain more I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • michelle_rogers@rogers.com'
    Michelle
    January 31, 2019

    I survived and thrived after being married to and divorcing a narcissist only to now have my almost 20 year old daughter ruining me financially, all while blocking me out of her life. A few months ago I had enough of her disrespect and contempt and visible disdain for my and my new husband (a good man who would give her anything, but didn’t tolerate crap and slovenly behaviour and mistreatment of his wife…me), I told her she had to start going to her dads (after 4 1/2 years of living with me and taking from me and sucking the life and soul out of me). So 4 months of that arrangement he kicked her out yesterday and I’m the one blocked and told to never contact her again…yet she’s not working, I’m the co-signer for a vehicle I’ve sat in twice and have honestly only seen the tail lights of. She hasn’t kept a job longer than 2 months (in spite of promises and admissions that she messed up and won’t do it again and you’re the best mom in the world and can you just help pay for x, y, and z and I’ll love you forever). Anyway, she’s thankfully living in a warm house for now with a friend who’s mom has posted about “her wonderful adopted daughter”. I’m rambling, I know…I’m so hurt, feel so used and rejected and frustrated…now I’m trying to get out of the car loan and let the bank come take it from her…I’ll probably be stuck with the $10K buyout, but that’s okay…at least she won’t be driving it and continually threatening to wreck it and just kill herself if I try to take it away…won’t be me taking it, it’ll be the bank, or the cops for probably driving with no insurance because she’s not working once again and bill is due tomorrow. She’s getting money from someone to go out and party…dad tells me it’s from guys she’s ‘dating’ for a couple of days.
    I don’t know what I did wrong…I don’t know what happened. I don’t understand the complete lack of work ethic, lack of concern for the predicaments she puts others in…last I heard her best friend from childhood became her source of money after I refused to shell out another
    penny after thousands upon thousands have left my bank account and I can’t pay my own debts off now…but she’s got a new group of friends and I think she burned a bridge with her bestie.
    Ugh, sorry, rambling again…survived almost financial ruin from the ex only to go through it with a child I raised and loved and thought I taught well. It’s more heartbreaking and devastating than the marriage was…to know I could be so cruelly treated by my own child. If I knew God had this in mind for my life, I would’ve said “No thanks”. My life is in a shambles, I can’t tell my current husband anything anymore because he just gets angrier with my daughter when all I need is his support for me emotionally and mentally. So I’m alone…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2019

      Hi Michelle,

      My heart goes out to you. So many of us have had big struggles with our children after narcissistic relationships.

      I did too, with my son Zac. He because jobless and an Addict who took zero responsibility for his life and I was continuing to mop up the messes at a huge cost to myself at every level.

      It wasn’t until I stopped enabling him, kicked him out, created very strong boundaries and deeply healed me that things completely turned around.

      I know as a parent it is the hardest thing to do, but truly it is the only thing to do. And it is an act of love for all concerned.

      The first step is healing our traumatised emotions. Many people in this community know what you are going through and have taken this following path to heal: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • michelle_rogers@rogers.com'
        Michelle
        February 4, 2019

        Thank you so much for the resources Mel…it’s a battle with her now, but I’m not letting my boundaries be broken down anymore.

  • efoster@gdeb.com'
    Nicole
    February 1, 2019

    Dear Melanie,
    Was this post written for me? I have been reading your advice for some time and your insight is amazingly accurate. I am still feeling some of the repercussions of the financial mess, but I am successfully letting it go piece by piece. I am fortunate enough to have a good career and income (something he tried very hard to sabotage during the split). All of the hidden debt and bad loans are in the open now. As far as the “stuff”, he moved it all out with the help of his friends. Sometimes I go looking for something in the house, only to discover that it’s gone, been gone for a long time. Some of those things were replaceable, some of them were sentimental, some of them were obviously taken to spite me. Every once in a while he will send something back to me, for example a pair of ticket stubs to a concert we went to decades ago. All I can do is ignore it, and hope that it is his way of letting it go. Thank you for your everything, you have helped me in so many ways.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2019

      Hi Nicole,

      I’m so pleased this spoke to you.

      Well done for being on the right track with letting go.

      Many continued blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • jennyboak@uwclub.net'
    Jenny Boak
    February 1, 2019

    Hi Melanie
    I separated 16 years ago divorced 13 from longest narc since then a couple more have been in my life one for 9 months the other for 3 months, ive had other relationships but not all of them the right vibration for me( I realise now). I think i learnt the one about making things really difficult for yourself the hard way. I do have quite a successful shop but the hardships, struggles,obstacles ive had to overcome i set up on a shoestring, the property is in flood plain, I lost my Mum not long after taking on an apprentice, i fell walking the dog, tore cartilage had to have a knee operation, moved house…. I have only just started narping. Yesterday i was given a backwash basin, sofa, electric barber pole. This year i have taken on alcohol free ‘one year no beer’ for part of this i have started training for an 18 mile hike along hadrians wall for british heart foundation. Joined a rock an pop choir which i love. On the whole i feel like i am starting to live. I dont kill myself working now but still pay my bills which gives me peace of mind. I went through the eating, drinking, promiscuity, not really understanding about whys an wherefores, my family (brother sister) screaming at me to see sense. I came out of the last relationship realising he was a narc before christmas. This time i googled about the subject finding a whole lot more information, including your you tube videos etc, than i found after ex husband. At first i felt it was a bit way out, im coming to terms with that feeling. I shifted some undermining and not being believed last night. I dont normally sleep well wednesday night thinking about coming into work the next day, i slept 8 hours without the aid of playing the relaxation recording. I still have quite a long way to go but feel i am on my way this time, the right way.

    Thank you

    Jenny
    Xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2019

      Hi Jenny,

      That’s wonderful you are meeting the trauma within to shift it out.

      Just breathe, relax and grant yourself more of this sacred time.

      So within, so without … it’s your time to heal.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • xsbabble@gmail.com'
    Tasha Kerry
    February 1, 2019

    Dear Melanie,
    After years of fighting my n-mother over inheritance money, and living in poverty, basically ignoring my many talents, I finally went no contact last year, and began healing in earnest. I’m still finding my feet, and figuring out who I am, what I want but the feelings and urges get stronger every day the more I heal, and tho I’m not thriving yet, I’m on the cusp. I still have a lot to learn about myself, how to value my wellbeing, and the hardest! set boundaries. I’m losing fake friends by the dozen at the moment, but much of it seems to be attributed to the fact that I’m growing, making a name for myself in my industry, and people are distinctly unsupportive. It’s gotten so bad, it’s comical at this point. The more successful I am, the more they want to drag me down. One friend even said it was “sad” that I didn’t speak to my mother insinuating the problem is me. These comments no longer irk me, because as you say, no one but a survivor can understand the real trauma of n abuse, and I don’t wish to allow it to define me. I have no idea what or where I’ll be even a year from now, but I know I’ll be doing my hardest to just be. Plan to sign up for your empowerment package asap. Thank you forever for your support. Love, Tasha

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2019

      Hi Tasha,

      That’s so great you are moving forward.

      Please know the change in our life experience when we have the direct way to unlock our subconscious blocks is astounding.

      There is so much you have to look forward to when you start working with Quanta Freedom Healing!

      Sending blessings and breakthrough to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • j9como@gmail.com'
    Janine Comoletti
    February 1, 2019

    Thank you, Melanie. Every time I start to question my sanity to come out with a video. It is as if you lived in the house with us. I lost everything and it was worth it! Getting away from him was worth all the money in the world. I am 5 years out and my credit is recovered. I am almost debt free. I will continue to review the videos and work on my NARP program to release the toxic energy that is around me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2019

      Hi Janine,

      I’m so pleased my material renews your hope and faith.

      Please know Janine, you never have to struggle alone. In times when you need support please reach out on the NARP Forum and the army of angels there, your tribe, can quickly help you reach your next breakthrough http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      You’ve got this!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • mistykelly123@gmail.com'
    Kylie
    February 1, 2019

    Hi Melanie,
    My ex narc cheated on me after 22 years. He is now with the slut who knew he was married. I was away for months because we bought a condo and I was fixing it up. He travels a lot for his job. While away, he slept with his new supply in over 12 hotels not to mention my marital bed at my big house then during the divorce in our condo. I noticed he had taken over 30K in unframed art and let his new girlfriend take some of my jewelry. I couldn’t prove it but he took it no doubt. I let his attorney draw up a marital settlement instead of going to court. It had property on it that I didn’t have but signed it anyway. I was an emotional wreck. He bullied me throughout the divorce. I married this narcissist who had no job, no health insurance, no credit. In the 22 year marriage, we had no joint bank account, he wouldn’t hear if it. He has to pay me alimony. In the 22 years if being together, he gave me not one cent. I paid for what I needed out of my check. During the divorce, this narc hid money and he’s probably a millionaire. He was making excess of 250K a year the last few years of our marriage. He’s got loads of possessions and money and his new supply. Since he has to pay me alimony, he had to win. He and his new supply had my rental house robbed. He paid people to take my entire jewelry box with my deceased mother’s jewelry and very sentimental pieces of jewelry. We had NO children, his choice. He had these low lifes steal my dead dog’s ashes too. That dog was my baby.He knew that. He has a masters degree in criminology so he knew how to get away with it. Both homes were sold but I have a roof over my head. I just can’t believe what a loser I fell for. Whatever he wanted he got. I feel ashamed I was taken in by this heartless monster. I’m having a hard time dealing with what he stole from me. I pray he and his new supply get their KARMA.

  • johnjreiter@gmail.com'
    Johnny Reiter
    February 1, 2019

    Hi Melanie, thanks. I was married to a narcissist for 38 years and as a romantic person I was delighted with any affection showed me. They cheated, I didn’t. Not out of restraint on my part but I only had desire for them, I had been busy enough that way when I was single. I think for me the end came when I realized their word had no substance and no matter what i did I couldn’t create a positive balance in their affection or gratitude account for me. I realized the problem was me, I had to heal myself. The narcissist is my ex wife.

  • nataliegeraerts4@gmail.com'
    nath
    February 1, 2019

    Hi Mel,
    Wow this article is coming now at the right moment 🙂
    I’m 42 and lost all my financial resources in the marriage with the narc. I have no property, no savings…
    I’m self-employed and divorced with alimentary, he needs to pay the rent for a periode and some furniture and indeed even this is too much for the narc. He even wants to ask things back that were a gift (even not expensive). It’s sad and also hilarious.
    And on the other side he wants to pay some things…of course I need to pay them back and be very grateful for the ‘help’ (altruistic narc).
    So I need to earn money I guess to create my life. For the moment i have a job (self-employed) but I can only make a certain hours there and I can see people at home but i don’t want them to have the feeling I’m taking their clients although they said I can take clients to my business. So i feel trapped. I’m tired, the moments i can work are limited in the business because they don’t have so much room/space available and this means a lot of clients on a short period. A Otherwise before the abuse i could take long hours. So what’s the way out of this? It also feels as a relief to gain own money. i feel what you say: I feel more free, stronger then…
    I cannot talk about this with colleagues because they don’t seem to understand you are totally ripped (financially).
    A way out?
    Your article also makes me think: suddenly I has so much money…during the marriage it was always a problem. he did the finances…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2019

      Hi Nath,

      when we are dependent on narcissists and limiting ourselves we are not free yet.

      Absolutely I would take more clients at home, either with this businesses blessing or through your own generating.

      Your emancipation lies in being unlimited and self-actualised. Period. And if you are struggling with that, release the subconscious blocks within holding you ensnared with NARP.

      The only limits we ever have are our own internal blocks. Truly.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • nataliegeraerts4@gmail.com'
    nath
    February 1, 2019

    Sorry: he was so much money instead of me…probably a wish to have more money 🙂

  • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
    Julia
    February 1, 2019

    I found this quote by Rumi: “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”

    How beautifully said!! <3

    The past years I've been sinking in this quick sand…I think one of the hardest aspects to heal, to accept is…I thought this man (n) is everything I could ever want and dream in a man…and the reality is, he is everything I do NOT want in a man!! Definitely not. And yet I loved him very much, some of my best moments in life was those when I was with him (when he was in his "nice phase"). The feeling is like sometimes I'd like to, metaphorically speaking, shake him or slap his face, like good heavens, be normal!! Can't you see, other people do not behave like you, that is not normal. And he doesn't "get it".
    I just had to accept this "love of my life"….is seriously mentally ill 🙁

    * So many people work in vocations they don’t like, just to make money. That isn’t a living. It’s a dying.
    I also used to think: "It's reality". It seems to be, to many people 🙁 I also think, I may do/find my "calling" in work, but that's something that has low salary or volunteer work. Do we all really have the possibility to do the work we love and earn a decent money? I'd seriously like to know, it's really possible, in real life, not just in some "quantum theories"? I think as long as the mind doesn't believe something is possible, then it becomes hard/difficult to create/attract it? 🙁

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 1, 2019

      Hi Julia,

      My heart goes out to you – I remember all the exact feelings with narc number 1. At the time I would have tried anything for that man to wake up and be ‘normal’.

      After doing the NARP work Julia, which I do suggest for you if you are not already doing it, http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp I completely discovered that he had not entered my life to love me, but rather show me what I needed to heal within myself so that I could become my True Self and love and be myself.

      Correct Julia, it all comes down to inner programming and beliefs. People can be wildly successful in their dream missions. All the way from fishing to cooking to playing sport to empowering people.

      As I just said previously, the only limits are the ones in our internal universe, hence why the inner quantum work is so necessary and effective.

      That’s what NARP does, reprogram us and change our life.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
        Julia
        February 2, 2019

        Hi Melanie,
        After the break up (or well, he dumped me with no obvious reason) I’ve tried to be friends and or casual sex. For a while, it was going pretty nice and drama-free. I was delighted, finally we have reached some adult relationship. Then suddenly he does something cruel. It’s just unbelievable. All the nice moments we have had together and all the things he said (like, “I love you”), it seems like suddenly he forgets all of that, when he is having this “black out”.
        Sad to say, everything you have written is true. The violence seems to become worse and worse. For us, with healthy minds, the feeling is like, why??!
        He has a daughter he adores. I think she is blissfully unaware of his narcissism. It’s just mind-boggling to think…would he like a man would treat her daughter as badly as he treats me/women? Would she believe this is how her father treats women? Repulsive :/

        I love this what you said
        I completely discovered that he had not entered my life to love me, but rather show me what I needed to heal within myself so that I could become my True Self and love and be myself.

        …yes, the n is impossible to be with, in a sane relationship, according to normal standards, that relationship was a disaster…but as a soul contract, in that role,he was perfect. The soul contract was perfect. I think all of this is divinely perfectly ordered.
        When I anchor to this thought, which resonates as the deeper truth…I can feel deep peace and acceptance <3 It's all okay.

        (by the way, sometimes I feel my own thought process, not the n per se, causes my suffering. I wanted to believe he is the one, had visualized some dream future, happily ever after, then I feel bad when I feel I lost THAT. What makes me feel better is to be in touch with reality. Many of my friends who had found their dream men (and who were not n!), had big weddings, even children etc…and then they divorced. Maybe the happily ever after in a relationship is not guaranteed to any of us, no matter how promising the relationship seemed at the beginning? :/)

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 2, 2019

          Hi Julia,

          The truth is when we are doing any form of relationship with an N – the relief or breakthrough, or ‘getting somewhere’ is always short lived.

          I believe our soul says ‘how bad does it need to get to show you this is Wrongtown?’ hence why each event, discard or narcissistic behaviour is going to hurt more and more until we let go, turn inwards and do the healing to evolve beyond this.

          Julia, I’d love to show you how that is possible with my inner transformational resources.

          The first step is here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

          I hope this helps, and please know that there is a direct way out of the pain for you.

          Sending love and breakthrough.

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
    Valerie Wedel
    February 1, 2019

    Dear Mel,

    AGAIN you grant exactly what I am working with. How wonderful – thank you! 🙂

    After leaving my ex I was heading up and then got flattened by a car, but am recovering and heading up again. Had a head injury, which has had weird fall out. My brain is working again, and I think I’ve found unexpected corners of the grey matter waking up. I feel the most amazing wonderful things happening, altho only partially financially. That financial picture is not yet in focus. And I have been shifting fear of the future, but perhaps may not be done with that yet. Am thrilled by the things going well, and also wondering if I am missing some gremlins related to financials? Are there specific shifts to think about?

    More on this topic is most welcome!
    Thanks – peace, love and joy –

    Val

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 2, 2019

      Hi Val,

      That is great that we are in synch again!

      Regarding any financial blocks that need ferreting out, my suggestion is to use the Goal Setting Module and clear all resistance you feel within.

      Also Val come into the NARP Forum and we can help guide you very specifically.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Hope this helps Dear Lady.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • bevjo143@gmail.com'
    BJ
    February 2, 2019

    Mel

    Some advice please. After over 20 years of being financially abused by my ex narc I kicked him out of my house (owned in my sole name). He truly believed that the house was half his because he has used it as a hotel for years but we are not married so he has no claim. He is livid and stunned. He did not check the law before he acted and left – leaving me in a strong (winning?) position. This was 3 years back.

    We have both moved on in our lives- he introduced the new partner within a few months to the family but does not live the standard of life that he once did and is apparently struggling. He is very entitled and I fear the distraction of the new girlfriend may just be temporary. My house is valuable and he has told me I am naive to think that he wont be back. He threatens solicitors but never follows through.

    Is it likely he will be back?. I have all documents and evidence so his case is weak. non existant according to my solicitor who has warned him off his attempts at coercion. He just doesn’t seem to believe it despite all the facts?

    Im over this but cant shake off the last bit of fear of where does a narc go when his (big) plans backfire and he has nowhere left to go and doormat has livened up?

    Thanks Mel- love your work its been an enormous help to me.

    Bev x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 2, 2019

      Hi Bev,

      Congratulations on getting this far! Your question is a very valid one.

      The entire truth is this – if you let go of all fear, nothing will happen to you. All his attempts will be cut off, have no legs and fall flat.

      Your real work is to release anything inside you that is connected to that possibility.

      Have you considered NARP?

      That is a powerful way to achieve this.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • myntillae@gmail.com'
    Mynt
    February 2, 2019

    I am so grateful that you talk about this very difficult aspect of narcissistic abuse. Even though I went no contact with my narc ex a year and a half ago, this was the hardest part to overcome, coupled with business partners financially mistreating me as well. Your videos and blog helped me stop missing my ex at a much quicker recovery rate, but it did not fix the financial disaster that he had left me in at the same rate. I had to overcome the major depression I was in so that I could actually function well enough to be able to work and be productive in the first place, and then after that it was quite a process to get to a point where I believed to not be mistreated. I almost gave up on my business that I had worked so hard on for several years, only to have intense narcissistic abuse make me almost lose it all, and lose all my savings due to him manipulating me into spending so much money on him. But I can tell you that I am finally overcoming that big hurdle in my life. Is everything 100% fixed? No… but I’m miles ahead of where I’ve been before, and thanks to your videos and motivation, I know I will be thriving even more in the years to come! So, thank you so much for everything. I am glad I found you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 2, 2019

      Hi Mynt,

      I’m so glad you are coming out the other side.

      Many continued blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • keagpalm@hotmail.com'
    Susan Palmer
    February 3, 2019

    I won’t pretend I have all the answers or am “there” yet, daily work of self love — but hope my experience can be found helpful to someone. I married a NPD and found quite soon he stopped working, after all I worked full time and could support him, unilateral decision. Many frustrating and heartbreaking years later when I found MTE and started to heal, I was in the process of divorcing him and finding the laws were NOT on my side. My lawyer made it clear that the courts weren’t interested in who was to blame or hurt and that it was laws and finances, counselors were for the rest. I learned that because I DID act as sole breadwinner even tho I fought against it the whole time, I was then responsible to take care of him afterwards, pay alimoney, his mortgage for the home I designed, sweated on physically doing a lot of the carpentry, and basically losing my shirt. I was feeling really defeated and with prayers and working many shifts thru Narp one night, woke to a “eureka moment”. I realized I “knew the enemy” and had to just be steely and get it done. I realized in his drama where he is the star of his own “movie” one of the things he wanted was the house (on land near where he grew up) so I used that as leverage. I managed to make a deal where he would have a legal contract to pay me each year for 5 years what he owed me (tho much less than it should have been, I had to let go of that) so he could have the house to himself. He also had to let go of my pension and alimony. To my and my lawyer’s surprise he did it. I got rid of him, he did pay up, and I bought my own house, and without his spending all the time, was able to pay it off, own it mortgage free now!! Getting ready to retire with a man who truly loves me, as an added plus!! So, please, use what you know about them and try to move un-emotionally thru the process and think clearly. Using NARP got me calmed down so I could think and act, forever grateful, Melanie!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 3, 2019

      Hi Susan,

      Thank you for your share and it’s wonderful you had that breakthrough and are so happy with a lovely man now.

      I’m sure your information will be very helpful! The so important part is that you anchored into powerful inner guidance.

      Continued blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • randiblitzirby@gmail.com'
    Randi
    February 3, 2019

    Hello
    I have a question. I see in many posts that the narcissist chooses their partner (in my case I was married to one for 20 years because they know they are good people who will “clean up their messes” as you say. Yet you also say that they truly believe everyone is like them (out to take what they can) and that they are the victim. Which one is true? Do they know when someone is good and honest and they are manipulating them? Or do they believe everyone is dishonest like them and that is how they justify their behavior to themselves?
    Thanks for your response!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 3, 2019

      Hi Randi,

      Great question. It’s both. Narciists do not see people being ‘good and honest’ as ‘nice and lovely’.

      In fact they believe it to be a human weakness that they can take advantage of.

      They also, because of their own dysfunction believe it has agendas connected to it – as it would if they were doing it.

      Make sense?

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • sawdust962000@yahoo.com'
    Kathy R.
    February 4, 2019

    Hi Melanie! I enjoy your posts and have learned a lot. But one thing I haven’t found in your posts is how do you get over a narcissistic ex if you need to constantly interact with them?
    In my case we share children and grandchildren, he left me financially devastated as well as emotionally. He pays spousal support and allows me to live in one of his two homes. He had an affair and it wrecked both my and his finances so the house he lives in has a reverse mortgage. I have no income other than a mega SS which is eaten up with medical stuff. So many details that it is impossible to list them all. Suffice it to say that I am dependent on his good will for my support and housing. He calls me every other night “to see how I am doing” and I go along with it because I don’t want to upset the financial applecart as it were.
    Truthfully I still love him but I value myself much more now. I feel like I am stuck at a plateau and can not move forward as long as I am so much still involved with him. Is there any hope?

  • kerriannecrane@hotmail.com'
    Kez
    February 4, 2019

    Thankyou Melanie for this.. perfect timing. I left my Narc of 18 years four years ago. Finally after stumbling across your work I was able to get to a point of no contact. Since, the only way for my ex to try and control and destroy me has been through financial abuse and parental alienation ( our teenage daughter has gone to live with him in a boundary free home).
    My ex was made redundant from the police force for sexual predatory behaviour, targeting women who’d sought help for domestic violence.. some he had affairs with and one he recently married! The years living with him were a nightmare of abuse and I almost lost myself..
    By having my daughter he manages to obtain child support through me.. he warned me that was his goal once I finally stood up to him.. I struggle to make ends meet and work hard in my job..somehow I find strength in knowing through your work his moves are text book! It’s not forever either, and somehow in years to come I will get back on my feet financially.. my daughter in time will come back..He even managed to get a life long pension from the force claiming ptsd.. how that works is beyond me! But being part of this healing community.. nothing the narc does surprises me..
    Financial abuse is horrific… thanks to you Melanie… I’m not alone and can see it for what it is x You help me so much xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 4, 2019

      Hi Kez,

      I am so pleased you have been able to get some relief and clarity and I wish you a great deal of breakthrough, success and happiness.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • mcdreyer100@gmail.com'
    Mark
    February 6, 2019

    Hi i just got one question where is God in this whole mess ?

    • wild4wood@gmail.com'
      Debi Luksus
      February 15, 2019

      He’s there, waiting for us to rely on Him once we choose to take the steps to get this evil mess out of our lives. It’s hard to know what’s right when subjected to this kind of abuse. He knows that and will be there, but what a leap of faith!
      My friends, the few I had left, told me God didn’t want me to live this way, but one reason I said I couldn’t leave was because of my contract to God in the marriage. The other was my life savings from all my hard work was gone, and, at 62 years old had no idea how I’d ever recover. It was only by finally going to a good counselor who put a name on my certainty I was going to die, a form of PTSD, not crazy, and her “objective” assurance God didn’t want me to live that way, could I finally think it. I had to suck it up and not rely on myself anymore. I couldn’t fix it. Only then, without evil staring me in the face everyday, I found God there ready to help. Believe!

  • aszent@aol.com'
    Andrea
    March 1, 2019

    My father was married into a family like this. The second I realized they were pressuring him to give them his money and writing checks on his personal account, I locked everything down. Then they told him (89 and frail) to get out of the house so I started the conservatorship process to protect him from abuse and removed him from the home (with his permission). That was a very ugly process with the step family. They accused him of taking money but when I dug into the finances, I saw that they were siphoning off funds for years and he had actually contributed quite a bit more of his personal funds to their joint account. I’m taking them to court for financial elder abuse. In court yesterday their lawyer threatened and abused my lawyer. I’m wondering if my suit is in fact “feeding the narcissistic supply”? We’re going to win in court but in reading your article, I’m wondering how far will they go? They are already spending a fortune on lawyers… three separate firms to my one. I have three goals: Recover as much as we can. Hold them accountable for what they did. Then get on with my own life.

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