Have you ever asked: How long is it going to take me to get better? Am I going to be stuck with these feelings forever?
Today I want to help you understand pain and the duration of pain from a more empowered perspective. This will help you with understanding how important it is to shift your pain as opposed to holding on to your pain. Then it is not about how long it takes to get out of our pain, it becomes about how to get out of it.
On Tuesday I recorded this radio show ‘Your Pain Is Not A Timeline’
I’d really love you to take the time to listen to this show, because it will explain so much, and it is a deeper extension of what I am writing about in this article.
Most of us observe our life and if it does not bring us fulfillment, safety, love and happiness our observation hurts. It brings us pain. We think that when ‘he’ or ‘she’ gets their act together and stops hurting us, or if situations in our life change that we can be free of the pain and be happy.
These beliefs not only disempower us, they are also highly inaccurate.
How Judgement Creates Our Pain
These normal human perceptions of observing ‘what is’ painfully actually creates a timeline of self-imposed limbo full of pain. Because we have to wait for something other than us to change in order to stop hurting.
These painful perceptions lead us to believe that we are powerless and have no option other than to stay in pain.
This isn’t the truth. The truth is: if you have accepted your life at this level you have disconnected from the truth of yourself and the truth of the creation of your life. If you have accepted that this pain is your reality then you have accepted that you don’t have ability to create your life the way you want it to be.
You haven’t embraced that you do have the power to shift your painful state regardless of what is happening in your life. And when you do shift your inner state out of pain and fear, then life in your experience has no choice but to respond accordingly, because your life experience is created from your vibrational (emotional) frequency.
To start with, we need to realise that pain is created from a judgement rather than an observation.
Rather than observing our life and deciding what does or doesn’t serve us, we may judge it as ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. And as soon as perceive things as ‘wrong’ this immediately puts us into pain and fear.
Rather than observing a situation from an empowered perspective and asking ourselves “Does this or doesn’t this serve me?” we personalise what is going on. We then take on and create pain and we fruitlessly focus on what we don’t want and wrestle with it to try and stop the pain.
Little do we realise that we are in fact calling more of this pain forth into our experience.
Take for example this situation that you may be able to relate to. If you are an impatient driver and you take it personally when someone cuts you off on the road, you will emotionally focus on how ‘wrong’ it is that inconsiderate drivers do this to you. You may wind down your window and you may yell or make rude gestures.
In effect you are trying to make inconsiderate drivers stop making you feel bad. What you haven’t realised is that by focusing on inconsiderate drivers and granting them strong emotional energy you are attracting more inconsiderate drivers in you travel experiences.
You believe that there are many inconsiderate drivers on the road – and whatever you believe will be true for you. You are the creative force magnetising them to you.
The Foundation to Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse
I would like to explain to you the basis for you to get out of your pain.
1) Create No Contact or Modified Contact – which detaches you from the source of the pain.
2) Accept that what has happened to you is granting you the opportunity to heal what you haven’t previously. This includes your limiting beliefs and your perceptions of life which have not been serving you.
3) Get your focus on to healing your unhealed parts so that you can break free. By clearing your pain and fear you can move towards not only creating a life free of narcissistic abuse, you can also create a more spectacular life than you would have previously ever imagined.
Without exception when you start progressing through these steps and embrace them and lessen your resistance to them, the quicker you will heal and be released from your pain.
I have seen many people move into this place, and start healing literally within weeks or months. In a very short space of time, which is not relative to the amount or duration of pain they have experienced, they begin to feel better than what they could have ever imagined.
And their life becomes not about the narcissist (who has become no longer their focus or reality), it becomes about them embracing their future, their joy and the working towards of losing all resistance to the creation of a great life.
The Illusion that Pain and Fear Keeps Us Safe
I promise you, because I do so much work with people on their Inner Identities (as well as having worked on my own), I know what the most common block is, and how it manifests as “I know this pain is going to take a long time to go away”.
The major block is the belief “I have to hang on to this pain and hurt in order to protect and defend myself.”
It is the fear “If I don’t hang on to it that I will be exposed, vulnerable and that shattered part of myself will be susceptible again.”
I understand this, because these are some of the biggest inner shifts (releasing fear and pain) I had to work through myself. I used to believe that hanging on to my pain kept me safe, I was in my cave, I didn’t want to be out in life, and by hiding I wouldn’t expose myself to the same crippling agony again.
This was perfectly understandable – but I do promise you this – it prevented me healing, and it prevented me from attracting and allowing into my life the good stuff that I did really want.
Hanging on to the pain as protection is an illusion which defies what we know about Law of Attraction (The Energetic System of Life) which is: Whatever we deeply feel and believe brings us ‘more of that’.
The Previous Survival Necessity of Pain and Fear
In our DNA, and not so long ago, we were living in crisis survival lifetimes. We had to operate in our heads. We had to operate from our ego (survival and defence mechanisms), and back in those times it was applicable and necessary to hold on to our pain and fear, as protection, in a world that was run with separation energy and me versus you realities.
However, in this time and energetic reality that we now live in, this time of evolving consciousness, the energetic system supports oneness and co-creation, and the realising that in Energetic Truth there is no outside.
Everything we experience is being created from our inside, it is all lining up and arranging from our own inner belief systems and emotional vibration.
Truly now we are creators of the highest order.
The necessary shift within our self is to realise this.
Pain and Fear no Longer Serves You
Hanging on to pain and fear simply does not serve you. In every way possible it keeps you separated from the realities we truly do want to experience.
Fear and pain now is only relevant in true crisis situations, where adrenaline is required, which fortunately are few and far between – especially if you have belief systems that don’t correspond with fear and danger.
In fact we can never create or allow what we do want when our emotional focus is all tied up in what we don’t want.
This is why our greatest mission is to clear out our pain and fear.
There is now nothing to address without addressing our inner world first – because nothing in our outer world is occurring independently from our inside vibration.
Why are You still Hanging on to Your Pain and Fear?
Okay so now I would really like to investigate your pain, and the reasons you are hanging on to it, and the reason you believe “I will have this pain for a long time”.
Please feel into it and be honest with yourself…
Is it because you don’t feel that the pain can go until something in your outer world changes?
Is it because you are hanging on to it as a means of trying to protect yourself?
Now you may realise that you have been living separated from the faith and knowing that you are your own creator.
You may still have beliefs that the outer world is created as separate from you – that you are a victim to it, and you possibly haven’t worked on realising and claiming your power, so that you can know yourself as a conscious creator living your life safely, solidly and powerfully without fear and pain.
You may not have realised that you can decide to not engage in a relationship for a period of time or say no to people that cause you to feel pain, create boundaries and know that whilst you are doing this – the most important thing is that you work out how to heal and let go of your pain and fear rather than hang on to it indefinitely.
You may not have realised that by making this your greatest mission you are going to emotionally feel incredible relief, AND you will no longer attract and create ‘more pain and fear’ into your future life experience.
In fact you have the ability to be vibrating at a different frequency, where pain and fear is no longer a match for your frequency.
This frequency shift is your greatest goal.
The Quantum Shift from ‘What You Don’t Want’ to ‘What You Do Want’
One day you will have to make this quantum leap in order to stop creating pain and fear in your life experience.
And you will know that you do not need to be vibrating at pain and fear in order to keep yourself safe.
When you no longer hold the intense emotional charges of pain and fear, you are in fact free to observe the outer world, take your time to ascertain it without handing your power over, and being susceptible to manipulation and abuse assess does this or does this not serve me, and make your decisions accordingly.
To reach this level of self-created solidness and safety sets up everything healthily in your life.
As you can see, it is a total illusion that pain and fear keeps you safe – it doesn’t.
When you are in pain and fear you are not able to trust your emotions, you are not in your true power and you are easily thrown off balance and you can easily get enmeshed, make it about yourself and try fruitlessly to change and fix other people rather than detaching, remaining calm, setting boundaries and honouring your own truth.
Can you see this?
More importantly can you feel this?
Now you can understand that hanging on to your pain and fear is not serving you – it is delaying you getting well, and it is delaying claiming and stepping into your true power and glory, and of course your true safety.
It is delaying you creating a great life – the life you do want.
I really hope this article inspires you to work on letting go of your pain and fear, and knowing that this is your most important mission.
Your entire life experience depends on it.
I’d love to hear your thoughts about this article, and if you are inspired to let go of pain and fear now.
Wow! Melanie, your passion is evident with yet another great article and ‘timing!’ my goodness! you seem to know when I personally am ready to receive the article tailored for me, so it would seem. I have started the QF MP3 sessions, with number 1 and got half way through and fell asleep! I was also (so it seemed) having trouble with the 2nd ‘shift’ as it seemed blocked, but it was purely because I was tired. I just couldn’t get the feelings to surface. Anyway at about lunch time something weird happened in that like a smack between the eyes ‘I felt this enormous answer just come to me’! It has happened before after a QF shift, thinking it didn’t work, that a day or two later I had detached from the ‘charge’ and it was not there when confronted with a situation that was relevant, that I was trying to shift. I asked myself, ‘normally I would have felt uneasy or react to that’ but instead there was no negative feeling there. The pain had shifted. Now if something is not working for me, or I feel a negative charge or think ‘why did that person treat me this way?’ for eg; then I go in and journal to get the answer. It then gets shifted with QF. Road Rage…hmm, many times I would be in the car and ‘he’ would launch an attack on someone, who he thought was a hopeless driver (as ‘he’ was the best in the world)! My goodness the rage and the sudden abuse that person would cop with me sitting in the passenger seat, holding my breath (hanging onto my pain). After a few minutes or during, I would say, “calm down, I don’t feel comfortable with you being like this” (my fear of him) and then of course I would get blasted, and he would say I am on their side, you are just like so and so, and you know how it goes. More of the same would happen every time I got in the car with him or ‘I would expect it to happen’ so it did. QF again tonight, when more awake. 🙂 (((hug)))
Yes, this is a very helpful read.. I honestly never thought about it in the way you described.. I’ve definitely been afraid to let go , freely and quickly , that is . I can see my pattern of wanting to have an outside source such as a relationship ,to destract me from the pain I’ve been feeling. I must take the initiative to work on my “inner world” which will heal me .. thanks melanie. xoxo
jody
…for everyone to know, the shift last night from the QF MP3’s (even only listening to half of the first recording) has literally shifted and released my feelings of missing him and the associated pain. I focused on and went into those intense, wonderful feelings that we have when we are in that “I love you so much” emotional, illusion stage, missing the feeling of him being close, holding my hand and all the sensations that I had hung onto. I tried to feel into those sensations again after the 1st shift and I couldn’t. So a break through for me. It happens very quickly sometimes. The other thing I didn’t think shifted had too, today when confronted with a situation I didn’t even react to. Magical x
Hi Jac,
I am so pleased you are getting the results that NARP does create…Yes it is wonderful when you try to go back to an extreme hurt and discovered it just isn’t there anymore…that’s when you know you have cleared it!
Great stuff that you are breaking free.
Mel xo
After 5-6 months the narc made contact! Once again pouring out his heart- This article reminds me of the book ‘the secret’ it is like a thought generates a feeling- a feeling comes from a thought- so to change what we think about changes how we feel. Since he left all those months ago i was stuck thinking ‘ i dont want him back’ which is a negative thought which kept me feeling sad. I then changed my thought to ‘ i want to find happiness’ ‘i want to be successful’ immediately i began to ‘feel’ better- then he made contact telling me, he missed me, has been a loser since we broke, asked me if i missed him, told me i pushed him away, talked about old memories, talked about his feelings- him, him,him…… demanded i answer my phone to him- then told me he needs more time to think because he feels emotional an confused loool what a joke like 6 months isnt enough!
Fact is actually he didn’t ask ‘if i want him to call me’ he just assumed that when he has his time i would be okay? well i am not actually i am angry i never said that i did not want him to call i said very little. I think i was shocked by his out of the blue phone call.
So now the silence has broken! His back- apart of me is curious but i am sure this is normal to feel this way. I am no way ever putting myself through all this again- he may be back but I AM NOT!
I failed my exams over that parasite!!! I feel so angry- i need to focus my thoughts more positively but it is difficult at the moment! it is like he has appeared, dangled me a little rope and left! How dare he! He even told me he loves me, hears my voice, has my picture on his screen saver, displayed anger when i showed little interest in him, asked to see me face to face.
The article makes a lot of sense especially in my situation!
i used to always focus on missing him, wanting him, needing him, now i focus on, wanting to be happy, successful, a good person and this shifts my negative feelings into positive ones which allows me to gain a clearer and more healthier out-look. This is about me, my health and my life not his and his emotionally destructive nasty self!
I am very angry- thank you mel for your hard work and continuous support- i have gained a much better perspective on the narc! x
Hi Kelly,
this is a regular occurrence when individuals start to move forward and energetically ‘away’ from the narc.
At an energetic level narcs ‘feel’ the supply of energy falling off and try to reconnect with it. It is incredible (although not really) how many times I have done QFH sessions with people and disconnected them from the narc and then they email me or IM straight after in shock because the narc made contact again (and they may not have heard from him or her in months)…Sometimes peoples phones have gone off immediately as it happens!
I also believe this is the Universe asking us to step up with this test “Are you really going to honour yourself? Do you REALLY mean it?”, because as we all know, it is sooo easy to fall back into the trap if we are not fully committed to healing and embracing ourselves.
It is very important to realise Kelly that any energy you grant him (including anger) is still a bind to him – and it may sustain you and keep you from going back for a while – but not for ever.
Truly anger is more helpful than helplessness, but it is not yet the state of being ‘clear’ of him – which means you are still carrying pain that you need to release and resolve – otherwise even if you do stay clear of him you will be an attraction point for more ‘losers’ and ‘parasites’ down the track – and you need to take responsibility for your vibration with this.
Focus really hard on clearing yourself from pain, because when you do you will shift to indifference and then the higher road of gratitude – knowing that this person delivered you exactly what was necessary for you to come home to healing your unhealed parts…
THEN when you get to this level you will never again fall prey to him or anyone else who does not serve your higher self….And you will BE the authentic love that you seek.
Mel xo
Wow… Both, Kelly’s openly told story and Mel’s insightful response reminded me of my own case. I understand your anger Kelly, but Mel is so right when she says anger won’t keep you aaway from him. Knowing that you can be so much happier with a loving and caring partner who respects your feelings and listens to you… That will keep you away. Remember that you can be truly happy with a good man. The narcissist I was with also contacted me again saying he misses me, wish I was there. When I made it clear that I never again wish to be with him he said that I misunderstood, that he just wants friendship and is actually in love with someone else. I think he’s full of shit, but the good point is…. I don’t care. I’m at the stage of indifference. It’s a great place to be. But I can see that I would be even happier if I was greatful for all the pain I went through and the personal growth it forced. In any case my best advise is to shut down communication with him. Stop listening to his bullshit. Instead imagine yourself happy with someone else, go out, meet people, ENJOY LIFE!!
Thank you- I am a little calmer now and I will try my best to clear my mind and focus on me. I am so tired of repeating the same patterns and continuing to put myself through this pain. i would love to be at a place where i just did not give a shit but the truth is i hold so much blame and anger- i need to find a way to let that go.
I will try to stop contact, however he calls my work place! I will make it clear i dont want nothing to do with him- i am just angry at myself for saying nothing- i just cried- hopeless but this turnt to anger. I dread contact i absolutely dread listening to his bullshit lies all over again- its just so boring and old now!
Hi Kelly,
to let our pain go, we need to heal our unhealed part that was the other half of this relationship.
Have you watched my video series – it will explain so much more…http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=tg7DtfY8BCk
Hope this helps
Mel xo
Dear Mel,
Thank you so much for taking the time out and helping with this. I want to be clear of him and i will try to let go of my anger and focus on me once again. I just felt in shock and as though he upset where i was at in my recovery! I am furious- mainly with myself for even listening to his web of lies!
I think i will try my best to have no contact and remember how far i have come. There is no way i want to go back to that/him to suck more life out of me because i cannot take much more.
thanks again xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Kelly,
you are so welcome…
Truly Kelly watch the videos, and FEEL them – you can then take your healing journey to a much more powerful level.
Mel xo
Hi Kelly and Mel,
I was just reading back on some old articles Mel wrote and came across this thread and wanted to tell you that what Mel is saying about Narcs being able to ‘feel’ when you are disconnecting from them is very real. I experienced this myself very apparently. I am a very logical person; I have never really taken an interest in understanding energy, spirituality and universal connection to others until my narc experience the last couple years. But now, I am not only aware of it, I experience it almost daily with other people in my life. It’s amazing.
Two months ago (4 months into NARP) I felt completely clear from all hooks and was literally dancing for joy because of how happy and free I felt. That exact night (after my dance), I had a dream that I was back in my old apartment I shared with my ex-narc and he was hanging up my high school graduation pictures. I woke up the next day and all the symptoms of my post traumatic stress disorder came rushing back. This time, because my body had not been feeling those symptoms for quite some time, I became physically sick and was vomiting at the very thought of my ex-narc. I had been out of my relationship for 2 years, never had communication with him and NEVER dreamt about him (even when I was in my painful state), until the day I danced for joy. How could this be I asked myself? Why am I dreaming about him now after 2 years?
I work with a few people that help with my healing (Melanie being one of them) and I asked them to look into the dream for me. They said that my ex narc ‘sensed’ that I had moved on (hence the graduation pictures – it was symbolizing me ‘graduating’ from him and him picking up on it), and our old apartment represented the emotions I felt when I was with him. When I was with him I was always in a state of survival mode so being back in that apartment brought it all back. It was his last attempt to try and reconnect with me. So I did not receive a physical email or phone call, but he was trying to reconnect with me through my dreams (energetically on a subconscious level).
I was very distraught because I had done so much work to heal myself and now it was all back. I asked how he was able to do this, and the response I received was, “are you willing to let go of all attachments with your ex whether you win or lose?” I then realized there were still parts of me that was trying to ‘win’ – to get him to see how successful I am without him so he would want me back and I can have the validation of rejecting him. Taking it one step further, this was about my own belief system that “I am unworthy and unloveable unless I am viewed as successful to others.” Because I had not cleared that belief system yet, he was able to reconnect through that unhealed part. It was also the universe telling me I still had some work to do on myself because while I was dancing for joy that night I thought I never had to do work on myself again. The truth is, we are constantly evolving and healing, it’s a journey, not a destination.
So I guess what I am trying to say is that if the narc in your life tries to reconnect with you and is successful at it, do not worry about the actual act itself, look at the HOW and WHY he was able to reconnect. Because what I was told, “when you are completely cleared from the narc, he wouldn’t even know where to find you because you are on a completely different emotional vibration.”
On that note, I do have a question for you Mel regarding this, when a narc is connected to you energetically, how are they getting a feed off of it? Is it making them feel better even if they are feeding off others at the same time? Is it the more they are connected to people the better they feel? Just trying to understand emotionally how this happens.
Melanie, Thank you so much for everything. I can’t believe how this article is spot on. I have been doing the QF Healibg shifts and slowly it is working. I completely agree with letting go of the pain and fear. It never occured to me that was what ws keeping me stuck. You are spot on Melanie. Thanks again.
Hi Deborah,
you are very welcome.
I am so pleased the shifts are working – please stay committed to them.
After understanding this article and the deeper reasons you will be able to embrace the process and commit to it with joy even more so – knowing that you are clearing the junk to make way for the good in your life!
It’s all about purpose and the acceptance of ‘why’ we need to do so!
Mel xo
Thanks Mel,
you really understand what it feels like to have gone through the abuse of someone you thought loved you, only to realise that they never did because they are not capable of such an emotion. I spent 16 years with a narc and did everything I could for him, but he was never there for me..I kicked him out of our house two months ago and altough I feel a sence of releif, the pain and hurt of wasting all my love and energy not to mention most of my adult life with someone who put himself and his addictions before me and our children remains raw. I needed to hear your advice and I will try to focus on the positive from no has a now on, he has a new girlfriend now so I dont think he will be bothering me, I realise that he will never be happy with anyone because he has no love for himself therefore he has none to give anyone else, I on the other hand have plenty to offer and I will not tolerate the abuse that I have endured with the narc ever again, theres comfort in realising that no one will ever treat me badly again because I wont allow tham too. thanks mel
Hi Carmel,
Yes I do understand all of the pain and hooks intimately – absolutely!
This is great that you are getting clear about what you need to do…Also understand Carmel that it can be very difficult to put positive feelings over the top of a whole heap of pain that is stuck inside us.
I term it ‘trying to park a ferrari in a garage which is blocked up by a rusty old wreck’….and this is why it is really helpful to clear the old toxic pain out first.
Check out NARP because it does give you the processes to do this – step by step with all of the hooks including the ‘regret’ one that you have…
Certainly you can battle with trying to just ‘stay positive’ but it is a struggle, that way we always have to fight with our peptide addictions to the pain, and it can take a very long time and extreme effort to reprogram ourselves when the junk level inside our cells (literally) is very high.
That’s where energetic healing to release and transform makes the job so much easier.
Seriously when you try the ‘profound way’ you wonder how you could have ever got out of pain without it…
I hope this helps!
Mel xo
A big hug to Melanie and everyone out there who is focusing on getting better and moving on from these people in our lives who bring us nothing but pain. We must lose them and heal ourselves and focus on being true to ourselves.Love you Mel.You have helped so many people and we so need this information. I am so grateful to you. xxxx
A big hug back Deborah!
Lots of love to you too, and I am so glad you want to claim your True Self – because that’s what our entire journey is about!
Yay 🙂
Mel xo
I appreciate this article.
The MP recording Jac mentions – is this the one you sell with the package. Is it available any other way.
Thank you
Kathleen
Hi Kathleen,
you are welcome re the article!
Yes the specific MP3s to heal narc abuse – (10 MP3s) are contained in the NARP Program only.
There are other free and available QFHealings but these are not targeted directly at the specific narc abuse symptoms.
Mel xo
Hi Kathleen, Hope you are going ok ☺
I have just bought the NARP programme and it is something I would buy over and over again. The e-books are detailed and the QFH sessions (x10) are very indepth, leaving no stone unturned, targeting exactly what we need to shift to be completely clear. As I said above, they just work on a much deeper level than the free QF links and recordings. My life has be extreemly difficult with an illness since childhood, (my body and mind went thru treatment that felt like torture) masses of abuse I have endured from school then work industry and even with every man in my life. I truly trust and believe in this powerful healing phenomina and it is within reach to everyone. We all have different levels of pain and each of us can heal, no matter how much we have ‘allowed ourselves’ to suffer. Hope this helps. It is the best ‘gift’ ‘he’ has even given me and I used to get lits of ‘material’ gifts, some with heart and soul put into them, but nothing like this to give me back my soul. X
Hello Melanie!
Thanks for all your articles!!! You have really helped me, my 1 year anniversary is coming in a few days, I have been out for almost a year!!!! 🙂
I do have one question for you. Have you dealt with other situations where the narcissist works with his spouse,ex-spouse or girlfriend? I work with mine. I have checked into his past and he must work with the current supplier…all other girls have worked with him. He had an affair with another girl here at work, still with her. I can already see the changes going on in her, you know the look of death in her eyes as well as the change in her personality. He has only worked here for 3 years, I have been here for 20, he managed to turn friends of mine against me that I have known for many years. I just wonder if I should find a new job or is that hiding? He works upstairs and I work downstairs, he is the controller here…definantly in the right job…LOL. I have come a long way but continue to feel that he still controls my world to some extent. Your thoughts.
Thanks again!
Hi Tam,
in these situations I always believed that we are unlimited beings, and there is a whole big wonderful narc free existence to create.
Either detach completely and heal ‘what others think about me’ and ‘the pain of persecution’, or any interest in who he is or isn’t with… so that you can flourish being you and attract ‘more of that’ at work – OR if you don’t feel that is possible MOVE ON and create a whole new wonderful reality.
Unfortunately we may believe that moving on or giving up ground means ‘losing’. For example I was here for 17 years before you!
No it doesn’t! If we honour our vibration and the creation of ‘feeling good’ then we never lose – and ALWAYS win!
And if you do decide that your vibration would be placed elsewhere then THAT is exactly what is meant to happen in your life experience.
You will be closing a door and a new and wonderful one will open for you – simply BECAUSE you are honouring your vibration without conditions and without letting your ego or mind give you the reasons ‘why you shouldn’t’.
I hope this makes sense.
Mel xo
Mel,
Yes that makes a lot of sense. Thanks!
But what about the question of other narcissists having to have a girl friend at work, in order to have 24/ 7 control over them. Is this common or not?
I really do not care who he is with, as long as it’s not me but I do have much compassion for the new girl. I pray for her…she is on her way to hell and won’t even realize it unitl she is there. Sad…so sad. I guess my biggest problem is still thinking that I could have or can say something to bring my ex-narcissist back into reality and out of the horrible life he lives. I have a lot, maybe too much compassion for him. However I do not have any contact other than occasionally passing him in the hallway. I need to just let go of my need to fix other people. That has always been one of my major character flaws.
Thanks again!
Dito Tam, one of mine too, trying to help and fix others has always held me back from looking after me. I always ask myself now…would this person (who I am trying to save) help me? not for Narc supply, but for real. There is a great programme on ’empaths’ on ‘love talk radio’ in Archives. Time to save us now Tam, and let ‘them’ work it out for themselves. Take it from one of the best ‘over functioning empaths there is! haha! All will be well. ☺x
Hi Tam,
I’m glad that helps and makes sense.
For your other question – narcs are about supply as you know and yes controlling supply can be very relevant.
Tam, I am always about making it about ‘you’ and healing you rather than focusing on him (which you have no control of, and you can’t get better when you focus is on him), and I can see from the post that truly you do have healing to do! Which of course is perfectly understandable.
Truly Tam, look at the link I have posted regarding the videos and you will see how to heal – including the old beliefs that trip you up with ‘fixing other people’.
Also look at NARP. Module 6 is completely about healing that hook – not just with the narcissist – but how that pattern plays out within yourself in your life experience in total.
It is great that you recognised it is going on – and there are processes available to get free from it.
Mel xo
What is the title of the programme on “empaths” on love talk radio. I really need to listen to that.
HAVE A GREAT DAY!
Hi Tam,
here is that particular show
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/empowered-love/2011/08/23/narcissistic-central-why-do-empaths-attract-narcissists
Mel xo
Hello from San Francisco! I was raised by an overt narc and married to a covert narc for 42 yrs! We own a family business together and I am managing to have limited contact with him. My rule is: NEVER be alone with him in a room so someone is always with me at meetings.
When he first asked for a divorce he wanted to be friends which I nixed immediately. Then, at a meeting he pouted and said I hurt his feelings, saying I am no longer a part of his family. “It’s called divorce, John” I responded. It felt so empowering to say that.
I hung on to the marriage thinking 1. he would get better as he got older ( wrong, they get worse. My 91 yr old father proves that), 2. I thought I had to stay for my kids and family business.
When he asked for the divorce I crashed for 18 month…but not because I missed him. I was devastated because the word ‘marriage’ meant forever to me( even tho I was getting sicker and sicker).Divorce , at the time, meant failure. I am over that now. I must have been strong ( in a dysfunctional way) to have kept it together as long as I did.)
I am at the stage where I no longer cringe when I see him at a business meeting. In fact, yesterday we had a meeting and I felt calm, able to think clearly and problem-solve business problems.
The constant voice of the victim is fading away. I will always remember his manipulations, lies, abandonment and betrayl behaviors but I now see them in a detached manner.I had lessons to learn. I did a good job of picking him as my teacher.
I still have good and bad days but I now listen to my intuition, treat myself well, have boundaries and have gratitude for what I do have.
I once was lost but now I have found~~~
Hi Irene,
lovely to hear from you, and thank you for your inspirational post.
That is so wonderful that you were able to let go of that belief regarding marriage that has on occasions literally taken people to their death…for all the wrong reasons.
Keep honouring and trusting you and truly the great days will become more and more.
Mel xo
Halfway. Let go of the N and am finding peace. Now to let go of whatever drew me to N in the first place. Getting there. And good stuff is filling the void. It is appearing- I just have to be ready to step up and welcome it. Astounding really. Your writing. And especially your videos – released a mountain of debris. I eagerly anticipate each of your emails. They have been so helpful. After years of therapy and hard work, it is not about tensely struggling- it is about releasing. Trust in my inner voice. That is the profound shift.
Hi Lee,
fantastic that you understand why it is necessary to heal our ‘stuff’…
Great that you are experiencing when ‘what isn’t serving us’ is let go of (interior and exterior) the more great stuff rushes in to fill its place – because truly ‘life’ is a natural principle and flow or abundance, love and wellbeing – we just block up the path with ‘junk’….(until we don’t anymore…)
I am so glad the healing in the video helped and you experienced the ‘shift’.
If you haven’t yet investigated NARP you can read the modules of MP3s and you will see it is about healing ‘why’ we entered and maintained narc relationships….read up on the Modules and you will understand – it’s the quickest most powerful way for you to achieve the goal you seek – it goes straight to it.
Keep up the great work of ‘being at one with you’
Mel xo
Hi Mel, reading your website and free ebooks, I finally feel hopeful. I’ll be purchasing your program to help me heal and move on. I see how I am hanging on to the pain and have done so with every hurt my entire life. And even as I write this the feeling comes up of how I’m worried and scared to let the pain go.I didn’t realise what was going on was narc abuse. We were co-workers and I had wanted an intimate realtionship with him and let him know that (although it felt like we had one emotionally)but he kept me as a friend and I was the one he came to between each of his girlfriends and I also supplied his energy 8 hours a day. I feel like somehow becuase we weren’t physically intimate that it doesn’t ‘count’ but looking back the abuse was real and the energy sucking was real. He played with me as well dangling the hope of a more intimate relationship with him. I see my accountability in this, I stayed and let myself be hurt. I understand the peptide thing. This is just a big long message to say, I never thought I’d be in this position, I can see where the healing will take me, or at least the vision of it, I’m glad I’m not crazy because i’ve been feeling that way for a long time. i want to give this to myself, I can see the gift in this situation and i so want it. So thank you for being here and having this program, one that resonates with me so highly. And i wish for myself to walk thru this fear and let it go. Thank you for being here as well, because i have felt so alone. thank you.
Hi Jess,
That is wonderful that you feel hopeful, and that the Program resonates deeply with you – because truly it will put you on the most direct path to healing and being free possible.
It is so normal to be fearful of letting pain go…totally…
Yes your situation has definitely shown you – you have unhealed parts (which we all DID) and it is wonderful that you take responsibility fully. This puts you in a brilliant position to heal!
I look forward to having contact and working with you Jess on the Program – you will do great and you are SO not alone…!
Mel xo
Hello San Fran Irene!!!!
Amen! I once was lost but now I’m found! I like you, for the first time, a couple of weeks ago, attended a meeting that he was in but was not comfortable but not so upset that I couldn’t think straight. But a least the owner of the company knows everything that went on in our marriage so he sat beside of me, we were across the table from my ex. I too would never be alone with him not even outside, if I am outside and he comes out, I go inside. I will also always remember all the control, lies, betrayal and manipulations but they no longer have the stabbing, gut wrenching, cannot breath pain attached to them.
Yes, I can hear my intuition again…it speaks loud and clear…like a narc radar. When i first met my ex, my first few thoughts about him were I feel like he is just like that man from the movie “ENOUGH” with Jennifer Lopez. I should have listened but have learned much from the experience.
Take Care of YOU!
Thank you so much Melanie!! 🙂 For me on my journey away from narcassism and back to me this is the best post ever!! This is like the last piece in the puzzle that I wouldn’t have worked out necessarily. I have come so far, but hadn’t realised about letting go of the pain to allow room for the good stuff to come in. It makes so much sense especially about using fear to keep people away in life, business and relationships. Also great to know that healing isn’t a timeline…And so encouraging. You have confirmed my experience so far that life healed can be so much better than the best day of my old life. Bless you Rose xox
Hi Rose,
I am so glad you are FEELING this – because where you feel is where you will go! Absolutely!
Oh yes the new True Self (at one with ‘self’) life (without pain and fear) is a million times better than any other day in your old life…
Truly it is priceless. I wouldn’t accept 10 exotic islands to give up True Self and go back to any part of my old life, pre narc, with narc or post narc!
Create your True Self with joy Rose – because that is what ‘life’ is all about!
Mel xo
Tomorrow will be two weeks for me since I have left my N. I have attempted to leave several times before always to return. I have been in this trap for 17 years. He as had multiple affairs within affairs going at the same time. He has financially caused us much hardship. Lost houses, cars, business’s. He stole my mother’s 207,000.00 cash equity she put in a home she bought together with him. I have beeen estranged from my family for 15 months for going back to him. My mother and other family and friends are still not speaking to me as they all have a wait and see attitude with me. This is very very painful for me. I am staying at a friend’s house and came with just my personal possessions and my beloved dog Milo. I know that I have made the biggest decision yet as I did this all on my own with no support like in the past. He is harrasing me with over 30 phone calls and texts a day…….. I would love much support from this community if I could. Currently I can not afford to buy your program Mel but I REALLY WANT TO! I am currently looking for work and I am going to delcare bankruptcy shortly as a result of this marriage. Please stay in touch with me. Much Love Anita
Hi Anita
i know this might sound really strange right now… but you and Milo are all you need. look up always and be strong. surf Mel’s articles instead of taking calls and reading txts, just delete them, they wont serve you at all hey… serve yourself and take the highest road possible and the shortest time possible for health and wellbeing. i thought i needed my family too, but in actual fact they were the cause of part of my co dependancy and my thinking i was obliged to do this and that. i need me time and not sorrow shame or humiliation for me or anything, and i dont need a buffer time to see if i am good enough for anyone… set yourself free, Mel has the Quanta Freedom way that can take you on a journey so quickly if you choose it. it wont always be easy. its all about you and your choice and where your brain waves and cells are at. take care and acceptance for what is cause Mel is right, it just is.
I agree Dawn ☺ x
Anita, please read my comment sent 9.20 and know that although times are REALLY bad right now, it is a necessay part of the journey to your new life of love and peace.Please dont ever go back.
Hello Anita,
I just want to congratulate you on being soooo brave. I too am in a lonely place right now. Just recently divorced a narc and still battling against his accusations hoping he can pay less of a settlement. Inbetween times I met my most horrific experience. I can see now I hung onto him for fear of being alone but totally to my detriment and downfall. I also have no contact with sisters who always wanted me to conform to their wishes, which of course I used to do. Hey, otherwise they won’t love me right? Well, just goes to show that when I started rebelling they have taken themselves away. It would be lovely to have them to talk to but not at their price. It doesn’t serve me. I can see I have lived at the hands of narcs all my life but the latest one was my ‘wake-up call’. So, here I sit all alone reading the posts, dying to get in touch with him again but they offer so much more positive vibrations than sitting with my rude, abusive, black narc!I can understand your pain, it is awful but it will get better. Take one hour, one day at a time and always remember to tell yourself ‘you are doing the right thing’, ‘you are doing incredibly well’, you are proud of yourself’ and remember to congratulate yourself during the day. You are most certainly not alone in your experience and as you can see there’s lots of good people willing to support you. Stay strong x
Hi Anita, It is the best thing you have done for yourself and Milo (gorgeous name) 🙂 Milo would be thankful in his K9 way as animals are very sensitive to stress and suffer much pain too. Sadly our ‘fur kids’ can’t release the pain with QF directly but I am sure would be able to pick up on our ‘shift’ and vibration to heal too. I sadly did not have the resources or had found Melanie until after my little cat (Madge) had passed away. She was abused and would shake when ‘he’ was around and she would hide. Madge became ill, from stress, suffering severe anxiety and her nervous system shut down. I did my best with her and tried to keep her safe and calm. It helped. The day I took her home (to the country) is the day I burried her. My ex insisted on driving me and I was abused all the way there. They can be cruel monsters and at the time, I felt like being burried with her, but grew strength from the experience. On the way home he dumped me by the side of the road as I was grief stricken and had a breakdown. After that I planned my escape which was not long after. So all you need is you and your beloved children and fur child is more important than anything. You will be empowered by your experience and please hang on. (((Hug))) to you and Milo. X❤
Hi Dawn,
Wow – you are glowing.
You are reaching the levels of vibrating far above narc ‘muck’…
Doesn’t it feel wonderful? – I truly want everyone to know this feeling
Thank you Dawn for sharing it in this post.
Mel xo
Hi Anita,
Yes this is big for you – and you will need support absolutely.
Anita have you applied to join my facebook recovery Group – you will find great support there…http://www.facebook.com/groups/MelanieToniaEvans
Hang in there and reach out for support…and please watch the videos and start getting your hands on the free resources and healings to help hold you up until you can get on to NARP to do the deeper disconnect and heal work…
https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narcissist-central/index.htm
Mel xo
Thanks Dawn, dear lady ☺ The ‘gifts’ really are embracing us, ‘the gift from the Narcs’ and Melanies healing gifts of giving so much of herself to help us all through to be the best we can be for us. I hope your magic carpet lifts you high and far. I love birds and can relate to how a bird must feel being trapped in a cage…some souls just can’t be caged, their feathers are just too bright’. No more guilded cages, only freedom and life. Love to you. ☺❤
A message for Dawn above from me, incase it goes unoticed to say thanks. X
OMGosh, Melanie, what a powerful message. I was wishing that I had heard this one sooner, but not only do you know WHAT we need by WHEN we need it. Your messages on understanding marcissists, no contact, and Quanta Freedom Healing are definitely prerequisites. For monoths, I sat in bed reading and watching your messages with tears running down my face desparately looking for answers and a way out of the pain. It would be shocking to know how many hours I have spent with you and how many times I have reread and rewatched what you have shared with us. My journey through life with narcissists began with my father, continued with two marriages that I chose to end but really didnt understand the reason, and ended in June with a covert narcissist, who was torturing me on a daily basis while pretending to be the most caring and loving partner, that I was determined to stay with because of the fear and pain but also because I didnt want to feel even crazier by ending another relationship. I am free at last to create the life I want, and even if I dont find a special person to share the rest of it with, I will be fine. With this message, we can all learn to stop the pain and fear and realize that we are much better off alone than with narcissists who feed off our pain. I pray that others will not give up and keep reading and watching your messages. We can all come home to a life of love and peace, but the last part of the journey is, in my opinion, the most painful and difficult of all – but well worth it! Thanks, Melanie. I love you.
Hi Peggy,
I am so glad the message hit home! The truth does set us free…
I am also so pleased I have been able to be with you on this journey.
Yes initially we believe that confronting our pain is hard – but really this is a perception based on human illusions.
When we look at it deeper we can understand that we were already in pain – and this pain was controlling us, was in repeat and we could find no way out of it.
When we go DIRECTLY to our pain in order to embrace it, release it and transform it experience incredible relief – because FINALLY we ARE in control of our pain, there is an end to it, AS WELL AS an end to our Inner Identity programs that were manufacturing and causing our pain.
Embrace your journey of shifting your pain with QFH with both hands – and you will break free in ways and faster than you ever thought possible.
Mel xo
I found the article to be informative.
It would be helpful to provide stepts on HOW TO get to the point of change.
Self help always suggestest what we should and need to do & dont do, very seldom books don’t provide steps, suggestions orrecommendations on how to acheive the goal.
Hi Arly,
thank you for your post.
Yes this was always my frustration in self-development and self-healing too!
My Programs all have exactly these steps and processes and that is why I have developed them. They provide the tools and the ‘how’- which means all you have to do is follow the instructions – the path is already laid out for you.
If it is narc abuse you want to heal from – then the Narc Abuse Recovery Program is the vehicle for that.
https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narc-abuse-recovery.htm
Mel xo
Hi Mel,
I am new to all this. I am still married to a man with all the fixing for Narcissistic Sociopath.
in recent months I have disconnected from him. Looking to dissolve this dysfunctional farce of a marriage.
Mom always told me to never trust a smooth talker and a schmoozer. He knows how to make a women feel like a queen with his words. His actions tell a different story. I keep falling for his smooth talk hoping against hope. I don’t feel like a failure if I divorce. I did and do feel like a failure with my 1st husband for giving up so quickly. I’m thankful this husband and I do not have any children together. His 4 boys are also a bit Narcissistic as well. I know I have come a long way with letting go. I just can’t seem to cut the tie.
How do I cut the tie with this type of person? Narci / Sociopath seem to be like a double edge sword.
I would appreciate any and all helpful suggestions you have to share
Hi Arly again,
the disconnecting from a narc (breaking the ties) is a series of processes of healing our unhealed parts that keep us connected in the battle EMOTIONALLY with the narc.
When we release and heal these unhealed parts the connections to the narc are dissolved. The 10 MP3s in the NARP Program (the link I gave you above) does this…
When you emotionally (at your inner level) dissolve these ties, then the outer world reflects this and you break free.
It is not a ‘mind deal’ it is a deep inner soul deal. And where your emotions go – (your soul) then your mind easily follows.
This is why the ‘shift’ has to occur (to be real) at this inner level.
The deep inner work in the Program achieves powerful results that no amount of talking it out, getting practical solutions or logical directions can achieve.
To learn more about this you can watch my videos https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narc-abuse-recovery.htm
Keep in mind the healing at the end of video 3 is generic and very powerful and helpful shift, however the SPECIFIC healings to dissolve the hooks to the narcissist are contained in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program.
Hope this explains…and truly it is the only REAL solution I can grant you – because everything else is ‘the hard and long way around’….simply because the authentic solution is ‘within’ it is not ‘without’.
Mel xo
Arly,
sorry link to videos did not cut and paste properly
Here it is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg7DtfY8BCk&feature=player_embedded
Mel xo
Anita above…I have left you a message at 7.18pm. It will give you some insight into what can happen to a loved pet when you are going thru and living with abuse. For you and for Milo to both be well and find much strength. ❤
For anyone who has pets, caught up and suffering as a result of Narc abuse, (they sense trauma and suffer greatly too), please get free as soon as you are able and give them a chance of healing too. I was not so lucky, sadly loosing my little Madge as a result of the abuse and stress put onto her. It was before finding Mel and QFH. Animals will benefit greatly once you start to heal as they pick up our vibrations in incredible ways. The way I looked after my cat keeping her safe when I was around her, helped. Love to all. ❤x
Hi,
I just commented on another post. I have not finished reading this post – cannot until later tonight due to work but wanted to comment. I am going to try to focus on whether or not something serves me. I am judging with right vs wrong – i literally think ‘that is so WRONG’ when i listen to what i feel are character assessinations of my kids or when i am lied to or when the drinking or spending bothers me etc.
I am going to try to focus on what serves me today if only in my perception of the situation – one step at a time. Thank you.
Hi Mel
Thank you again for these constant gps messages ( funny my spell check went to GOD when I typed in gps)
I’ve been chatting a lot with Clarie trying to nail the narp module one and seem to be unable to remove logic from my mind.
Never the less I must be doing something because I am so much more positive and healthy to the extent that people say what have you done you look amazing.
But then something hits me in the gut and I go two steps back. It’s so frustrating, I just want to be at the end of the finish line.
Hi Jacqui,
I would so suggest to you to come into the NARP Forum. Are you posting there?
A particular Thriver (or myself) may just hand you the key in there!
And from what I am sensing now – it is the “frustration” that needs to be shifting – there is more than likely some block getting in the way – that once found and released all will be much better with your healing journey.
I hope this helps.
Mel xo