When you are stuck in the agonising thoughts about the narcissist, it is excruciatingly difficult to function.
Your mind is so busy going over the lies, betrayals, and your incessant questions to yourself “How could this happen to me?” “How could they do this to me?” “How has my life turned out like this?” that everything seems overwhelming. Simply focusing on mere survival, such as eating, sleeping, paying bills and running your everyday life can feel like torture.
Any of the things that could bring you joy and energy in life, are filled with pain, emptiness and dread, because your mind is all-consumed. Maybe even when your loved ones, friends and children talk to you it is almost impossible to be present, supportive and loving.
We know we aren’t going to be free until we can evict the thoughts of the narcissist and what he or she did to us from our mind – once and for all.
The problem is that the natural human response to evict these thoughts is….. to do more thinking!
This is incredibly ironic because we are trying to get off this particular bus, yet we end up putting our foot down and driving harder!
When I was initially trying to recover from narcissistic abuse with the use of my mind I spent years consumed by trying and solve the “why’s” and “how’s” with logical rationalisation.
And I was getting nowhere, I was still stuck in the pain, the fear, and the abuse.
That was until I learnt that I wasn’t going to be able to evict the thoughts of him through my mind, it required something much deeper…
In today’s article I want to share with you the most effective way to get relief from the all consuming thoughts, so you can start to enjoy everyday experiences like: Spending time with your children and family, taking a peaceful walk, enjoying a particular hobby or just being with yourself in a safe and comfortable environment.
This level of calmness and peace, without the incessant painful thoughts, is essential for you to be able to start creating your great life.
Shooting Yourself With the Same Bullet
The narcissist did the damage, and your mind is continuing his or her job of annihilating you – even if you have managed to get away and stay away – and if you haven’t, your mind may still be stuck in the pain, the abuse and the strategy of survival, trying to navigate the narcissist, force accountability and/or get the love that your dream of having with this person.
If you have got away and stayed away, you may be astounded how you are still stuck in the painful thoughts – and they may be worse than when you were with the narcissist because you now have time to go over and over what happened. All the things that don’t add up, that you can’t make sense of…
…especially the thoughts of HOW?
How could anyone behave like this?
How could I have got myself into this mess?
How could this happen to me?
How am I ever going to recover?
No matter how much you try to think to get an answer – you can’t find ones that get the narcissist out of your head.
Think of it like this, the narcissist shot you once (on a particular situation), and by you going over and over it you have re-shot yourself with the same bullet 1000 times.
Why We Can’t Stop Thinking by Doing More Thinking
You can NOT stop thinking by doing more thinking.
Your mind is the enemy keeping you in pain and torment.
Moving on requires being able to move past your mind and heal.
If you don’t, your mind is going to keep battering you.
You know that when your mind is going over and over the painful thoughts you continually feel the anguish of what happened.
Your mind whilst trying to think yourself out of the pain is driving your painful emotions into more and more pain.
Until we know better we think that we have to find the relief through our mind.
This is impossible – and let me explain why.
It is your emotions which originally dictated how your mind was going to respond. We all have the urge to try to shut off the emotional pain – and until we learn how to do that in a conscious way there are two ways we avoid dealing with our pain unconsciously – which is what we are always doing when we try to get relief through our mind.
1) Direct our painful thoughts at someone outside of ourself, (in this case the narcissist), or
2) We try to find some logical ‘reason’ to grant us relief and peace.
You will know from your experience of narcissistic abuse, regardless of where you are at in your healing journey, that neither of these strategies work. Directing the pain outside of yourself only keeps you stuck in a victimised addiction cycle, and trying to find logical reasons only ever provides short lived relief at best, it never ‘sticks’.
You may have noticed how your mind searches determinedly for a ‘reason’ that will grant you relief from the pain, and then within hours, or even minutes or seconds you find yourself going back in to re-think the whole thing over and over again.
This ‘reason’ never held for you…
Your mind only has these two options, and the more they don’t work, the more the mind determinedly focuses on trying to make them work – which then turns into obsession.
The more you obsess, the harder and stronger the energy of the narcissist is in your mind and this takes over your entire life. We feel drained, powerless, and in intense pain and our ability to function effectively gets less and less.
Moving forward does not happen through your mind…
So How do You Evict the Narcissist From Your Mind for Good?
When the narcissist is continually in our head, we may believe that he or she is performing a psychic takeover, or that we won’t be able to get the narcissist out of our mind until they leave us alone, or move away.
The empowering truth that you must understand is:
It is an illusion that anyone or anything outside of you has power over you – the only reason they can have power over you is because you have unhealed parts that are allowing it.
This is the deal, your pain and your mind attachment to the narcissist is energised and pounding because you haven’t realised that your healing is about you it is not about the narcissist.
When we have emotional pain and painful thoughts they are ours. We have to accept ownership for them.
You are responsible for your own healing – and nothing outside of you is going to be your saviour – you are your saviour.
In order to carry out your own healing you must recognise the following truths:
1) The intense emotional pain (which is causing your mind to try to ineffectively control it) is all coming off wounded parts of yourself that have been triggered by someone’s actions outside of you.
2) Your inner wounded parts are still stuck in the illusion that your wellbeing, life and truth is dependent on others and what they are or aren’t doing. These wounded parts are still precarious, insecure and not empowered. They are waiting for you to heal them so that they can shift out of this illusion and know you are create the real life you want and that it is NOT dependent and precariously connected to what another specific person is or isn’t doing.
3) You have to do the soul deeper work on these unhealed parts to release the emotional pain, and then the narcissist will be evicted from your head.
When they do this inner work your emotional self will no longer be vibrating in pain, fear and dread, and then your mind has nothing to try and ease, control and solve.
I know how awful it can feel to have your life totally consumed by the painful thoughts of the narcissist and I really, really hope this article has helped you realise that to get the narcissist out of your head you have to stop thinking and start healing.
Our mind is the source of unconscious living, it keeps us separated from our inner self, our inner healing and the creation of our truth. If we want to take back our power and be the true creator of our life, we need to go deeper. We need to get out of our mind and into our inner healing path.
If you have any questions or comments please post them below, I try my best to respond to all of them.
Latest posts by Melanie Tonia Evans (see all)
- How Narcissistic Abuse Taught Me To Be A Source To Myself - November 19, 2017
- How To Forgive Yourself For Falling For A Narcissist: Love After Abuse Series - November 16, 2017
- Pathological Jealousy And Narcissism – Why You Can Never Earn Their Trust - November 12, 2017