If you have been in a narcissistic relationship you know what it feels like to be with someone who is false. At first they sweep you off your feet, they are charming, caring, supportive, loving and everything you could have desired in a partner.
Before long some actions “don’t add up” and something feels “off” about this person, but you may ignore these warning signs or justify the behaviour, whilst trying to hang on to what you thought was your dream life and dream partner.
If we are not honest and real with ourself, before long the relationship takes a sinister turn, and it is too late.
We become dependent on the narcissist for their approval, the promise of what he or she brings to the relationship , and we become incredibly hooked.
The narcissistic experience is an example of what can happen if we are not true and honest with ourself. And if we continue these patterns we will continue to draw unfulfilling love experiences and false individuals into our life.
In this article I am going to share with you my past – my relationship with my ex narcissist and show you how being untrue to myself was causing me to continue living a painful life.
I am also going to teach you how to start being honest with yourself, and how this can allow you to create a fulfilling life experience of abundance, freedom and truth.
On Tuesday’s Empowered Love Radio I also did a show on this topic. You can listen to it here.
In order to write this article I delved deep into my past. I went back into feeling my life with the narcissist – a life for me which is now another universe away.
And I dug deep….
I know that the significant difference between my life now and my life then – is that my life then was not real – no matter how much I wanted to believe it was – no matter how much I tried to make it so.
The truth was it wasn’t – and was never going to be.
At surface level it seemed to be. Here was this knight in shining armour who seemed to love me more than anyone else ever had. And what seemed wonderful at the time was – I believed he was exactly the man I wanted to love.
What seemed to come with him was kindness, compassion, similar interests, wealth, purpose, the ability to build and create dreams and the holidays, lifestyle and creations that go with that….as well as of course incredible love.
This relationship deal felt so perfect, so right and so incredibly solid that I didn’t stop to check if it was real or not – I just went with it.
He seemed so sincere. He seemed so strong, so together and so capable, and the way he acted towards me made me feel that I was the only women that existed in the world for him…so I didn’t question…
And I breathed a deep sigh of relief.
I thought … finally here is the man who is going to take my pain and fear of being alone away.
Knowing but Still Ignoring
Even from the beginning of the relationship, I could feel a nagging doubt in the pit of my stomach saying ‘Too good to be true’ and a certain look or a statement he would make would send ice through my veins.
Even from the first week in – I had the feeling ‘Something is really wrong here’, and I ignored this gnawing doubt, and I still ignored it even when it became a deafening crescendo.
And of course as you know and I’m sure you can relate to…. by the time I knew the truth I was so attached and hooked to my version of this is meant to be, I still found ways to justify hanging on to the relationship, regardless of how much I tolerated abuse that I thought I never would.
Back then I suspected he wasn’t the real deal, yet I had no idea that the reason I was with a person who was not real – was to do with me and the levels of how real I was or wasn’t with myself.
The Hollow ‘Victories’
Every victory, such as the purchase of our new property, the renovations, the landscaping and the acquisition of our boat was short lived.
You see, I was like the general population at this stage of my life, I thought that happiness was acquired through something outside of me.
I thought that having ‘the love of my life’ and creating an incredible life together was it… I thought that this was my nirvana.
So why was it that these ‘wins’ in my life were fraught with so much trauma?
How could a real life hold so much pain – which would inevitably follow each time I thought I had reached blissful happiness?
Each and every time I believed he and I had a victory, I could convince myself that things would change and we could share a life where we could ‘be happy’, yet another curve ball would come out of nowhere and hit me straight in the face.
Another assault on my character, my commitment, my fidelity, my morality, or (fill the gap) would occur.
As well as a multitude of court cases, disasters, and ‘what is going to happen next’ in regards to his business ethics, stealing, lying, manipulating – (you know how it goes).
This version of ‘dream partner’ and ‘dream life’ carried a horrible price that started shattering the dream, and turned it into a mirage.
A thin smoke-screen of ‘what I thought this was meant to be’ disguised the truth … that none of this life I was living was real.
It wasn’t real, because real love promotes, nourishes and supports healthy emotions.
I now know why my emotions were screaming at me…
You are the Only Real Thing in Your Life
We have all been programmed to believe that ‘things’ and ‘other people’ create real happiness.
But what happens when a person we want to love, and have decided should love us is so toxic that they cause our emotions to spiral out of control?
Bringing up our deepest fears and insecurities and using them as torturous weapons against us?
Regardless of what this person holds up as ‘the carrot’ that could make our life ‘amazing’ – None of what they have on offer is real.
The only person that is real in your life is YOU.
Please don’t be confused… I don’t mean you are the only person you can ever trust.
Or that it’s you versus life and you better only ever rely on you and stay guarded from everything and everyone else…
What I mean is: You are the co-creator of everything and everyone you experience in your life.
Everything and everyone you experience is reflecting parts of yourself.
What this means is: You have no ability to have a real relationship with a real person until you get real with yourself.
In the years that I have been facilitating thousands of narcissistic abuse recoveries, I have never met anyone who has been abused by a narcissist, who DID NOT experience ‘off feelings’ about the narcissist initially, that they were not prepared to confront.
Myself included… At this stage we were not prepared to honour our self.
I’ll come back to the statement: The only person that is real in your life is you.
Because… if you don’t get real, the ‘things’ and ‘people’ that you thought will bring real love and happiness, will simply bring you pain, heartbreak and destruction again and again instead.
When you do get real, and live your life accordingly, then your life will reflect real love results.
It is Energetic Law and can only and will only turn out that way.
How to get Real with Yourself
There is only one way to get real – and this is to be honest with you.
Stop blaming, making excuses and using justifications – such as ‘he or she should have been, done or not been or not done …..’.
There are no should’s or should not’s in life – life just is.
And a painful life is always showing us something – something that we have not wanted to acknowledge about our own truth within our self.
If you know that the person who is hurting you is a narcissist – then it is time to get truthful with yourself.
I promise you this was the massive turning point, from the brink of my inevitable death, which was exactly what put me on the path of recovery and enabled me to start creating a real life.
And there was no way I was going to live, or that was going to occur until I got real with myself.
My questions to get real with myself were:
Why did I attract a person who was a False Self into my life?
Why did I ignore the warning signs and continue even though I knew something was wrong?
Why did I try with everything I had to maintain this relationship even though I was abused horribly by a person who displayed anything but real love?
Why did I believe that the odd shows of care, love and hope were enough to replace the soul shattering abuse that regularly took place?
When I stopped beating myself up and blaming myself for how ‘stupid’ I had been, and how I had made choices that had destroyed everything I thought my previous life was, and instead realised that now I had an opportunity to heal my pattern of relationship pain and abuse, I knew the answers to these questions followed by a plan of action to heal was incredibly necessary.
I knew I had to establish a True Self – a Real Me – to avoid going down the same track ever again.
Life had brought me this experience not as a random act, and not as a ‘mistake’ of being in the wrong place at the wrong time – life had brought me the ultimate message and lesson of a narcissist because I had missed the lessons in my other unfulfilling relationships up until this point.
Love relationships are our greatest healing agent to show us.
It is such a shame when we miss that.
Life had brought me this message, because up until this point I had not learnt how to be real with myself, and if I didn’t start fixing within me what I needed to – then the same type of relationship would naturally come into my life again.
The Answers and the Direction
There is no way to force the narcissist to get real.
There is in fact no way to force anyone to be a certain way to make you feel safe, loved and happy.
You only have the ability to change yourself in order to feel safe, loved and happy. And only then will the people that are a match and have the resources to supply you ‘more of yourself’ will gravitate into your experience. Then you will naturally add to and inspire this love with healthy people, and the ones that aren’t – as soon as they feel ‘off’ and / or display behaviour that clearly is off – you will have no desire to latch on them and try and force them to change..
When I answered my questions to myself honestly – this is what I came up with.
I had wanted the narcissist to provide me with the love, happiness and fulfilment that I had as not yet provided for myself.
The truth was:
I did not authentically love and accept myself.
I did not feel whole on my own.
I believed someone else had to save me from my emptiness and unhappiness (despite being very independent and successful in everything else other than relationships).
I believed that I had to hang on because there may never be another experience of ‘love’, and certainly not the ‘love’ I thought he promised.
I believed if I rocked the boat I would be abandoned and lose ‘love’.
I believed that he was the one with the problems and I was simply the victim.
I believed by fixing him I could feel okay and well, and…
…I had no idea that I could embrace my own power to create what I wanted in life regardless of what he was or wasn’t doing.
Of course this was a simplified list… I had a lot more to uncover and heal.
The truth was I wasn’t honest and true to myself.
And because I wasn’t, I attracted a False Self, a person that reflected how I was not real with me.
Now I knew the direction of what I needed to be to stop the pattern of destruction, of living a false life with people that were not deliverers of love, happiness, safety and fulfilment.
I had to become these things to myself.
How to Become Real
In order to become real to yourself you need to search inside and find out the beliefs, the fears and the insecurities you have that have kept you separated from loving and accepting yourself and knowing that you are the creator of your own life.
You need to examine, embrace and understand why you have held other people responsible for your happiness, why you have been limited in your ability to let go and create something better, and why you have feared and believed that you are not enough to go empty, and then learn how to be full enough within yourself to attract and choose from life who and what is healthy.
You need to work on and heal your fears, insecurities and limiting beliefs.
When you do, you can then maintain your own emotions and trust your decisions, and be your truth and your fullness. This will allow you to accept, maintain and promote what is a match for your own truth.
How do you do this?
You do this by examining, embracing and releasing all of the pain and fears and insecurities that have been running your life in the direction you don’t want to go.
Once letting go of these old patterns and tendencies – which have all generated from your emotional fearful self – you need to reframe these into healthier beliefs, self-convictions, truths and strengths that do serve you.
When you do this you will find your true way of being.
A way of living that is not generated from fear and pain.
Then you get to make great choices that come from your own solid sense of self. You get to feel, create and experience a genuine life of creation, honesty, love, joy and expansion.
I hope you enjoyed this article and I hope it helped you realise how important it is to be real to yourself.
Please post any questions and comments you have below.
Why does he keep calling and trying? How do you stay strong when trying to break away and how to stay strong??????
Hi Sara,
thank you for your post. You must be new to my information. Please read my blogs, listen to my radio shows and discover that this is not about HIM it is about healing YOU.
We get strong and we say ‘no’ when we commit to our own self-discovery, the healing of our unhealed wounds that led us into narc abuse, and when we put the effort into healing ourselves.
He is simply doing what narcs do …. going after narcissistic supply (attention) and you will remain prey, and being damaged until you heal yourself.
Mel xo
I had a counselor who told me my narcissistic ex-husband would try just enough to keep me there. Bells went off.
Sara, I think because it gives him pleasure to chip away (the best he can do long distance) at your soul. If he knows he is forcing you to think about him, he still feels in control. There are really people who thrive on pain, this is what I can’t fully grasp — they actually enjoy it!!
Thank God for this email tonight, because I feel the same way. We have a cocktail in our system, made up of 5 types of trauma bonding. So be at peace when you work your way through. You stay strong–we are on the same path. Be kind to yourself, as you would be kind to your best friend, as you sort your way through.
Hi BH,
yes narcs thrive on energy from others, the feeling of importance that they can affect another human being at that level…as I stated to Sara it is just what narcs do!
The focus needs to come of ‘them’ and onto ‘ourself’…and that is what healing and recovery and self-empowerment is all about.
As a suggestion NARP could really help you (right hand side of this page) if you are finding it really hard to shift yourself out of the pain and the struggle.
Recovery can be so much easier when we do the inner work.
I hope this helps!
Mel xo
Me too ! I ask this question. He has a girlfriend so why does he keep baiting me with emails and texts . Is his life so empty that he needs my attention also to boost his ego ? Then he goes silent on me and the whole missing him thing starts again . Then he contacts me and I get drawn in feeling flattered he is giving me some attention . I want to be strong and resist contact too !
Hi Kate,
as per the posts above.
The real question is not ‘Why does he keep doing this if he has girlfriend?”
The REAL question is – and that is what this article is ALL about – is getting REAL with yourself.
The fact is he does that because he is a narcissist and currently you keep handing him narcissistic supply – THAT is your answer.
Now if you do want the pain to end, start asking yourself the vital questions as to WHY you are still hooked, handing over supply and staying stuck in this drama.
What are your unhealed parts that keep allowing this to happen?
Once you turn your focus inwards you will start working on coming out of this self-defeating pattern and pain that you are still attached to.
Mel xo
Thanks Mel , I do get that , thank you for your wonderfully empowering articles and blogs . I find it all fascinating !! Especially that peoples experiences and patterns of the ns behaviour are so similar !!
Have a lovely week !
Kate
That’s great Kate!
Thank you and have a lovely week too!
Mel xo
It’s not about YOU. Or me. It’s about sick control freaks who know they have power over us. How enjoyable, to ruin our days and nights without even being in the same room.
Stay in no contact. But if you want to laugh: just think if you were sick and needed him to take care of you, or take you to the doctors for the next year. Guess what — he’d be gone.
The silent treatment kills me. But how powerful, in their mind it’s the perfect way to chip away at our self esteem. I was wondering why they go for our old wounds, then tonight after reading Melanie’s email I get it: to chip away at our souls. To remind us of when we were weak and had no power — to remind us that he is now the one in power. SICK!!
Hi BH again,
after reading my article you should have realised YES it is all about US!!
Truly narcs are only presenting to us our wounds that we need to take responsibility for to heal.
And if we keep blaming and pointing the finger out we are ONLY going to keep repeating painful relationship patterns.
Life was not a random act bringing the narc in to your experience, my experience or anyone else’s.
To heal means you need to get REAL – and this means REAL with you…
I am not sure what part of that message as per these original posts was missed!
Mel xo
I agree wholeheartedly…..luckily for me, my 3 year involvement did not invlove children or shared property etc. It was easy in the end to walk away and cut all contact. A change of address, job and telephone numbers means he can no longer keep interferring in my life. I have not seen him for 2 years and have no intention of ever being in that situation again. So everyone must think I have been saved, but not so. Am I becoming the very thing I hate?…..I have not yet healed, because not a day goes by that I do not think about him and the hurt he inflicted…I ring him but do not speak – he may suspect it is me…..but cannot know for sure. Why do I do it??…..do I still need to be connected in some way???…do I want to cause him problems with the ‘new’ person??….why can I not truly live my own life and let it go??…..I know I am afraid to try again because the weakness in me is obviously still there, and as others have commented, knowing and doing the rightthing are quite different. I do not know if I can find the real/true me again……will I ever be strong enough to live my life without the need for someone else’s approval.
Thank you for your great articles and comments Mel and all your readers too….it is a worry that so many ofus have made the same mistakes and perhaps there can be strength in numbers….Regards Rose
Thank you Rose for you honesty,
It is powerful when we ‘do’ honesty about ourself!
Change the statements ‘I do not know if I can find the real / true me’…to “I want to find the real / true me.
Rose, we are all such powerful creators of our own reality – what we say and think – presto – so it is!
When you change that statement to yourself you WILL take action and you will start creating what you DO want.
Mel xo
Rose, your comment “will I ever be strong enough to live my life without the need for someone else’s approval” hit the nail on the head for me! I have finally realized, after seeing my ex recently, (and after seeing him these days I actually feel physically ill), I do not need the approval of someone whose actions I don’t approve of!
Who are narcissists to make US feel unworthy?
I am well on my way now to living a better life without having to prove myself to someone I have no more respect for (other than that of one human being to another). I wish this for everyone else too.
Hi BH
I am really sorry that you think narcissism is not about me, (or Melanie, or anyone else here) or you. I don’t want to invalidate any of your pain, (cause I understand how gut wrenchingly painful it is) but could you think outside the “box” for a few minutes and consider a few things?
Low or non existent self esteem allows people to be treated badly…that’s pretty much a given. Sick people exist in the world, yes…but most people recognise them, and give them a wide berth. People like you and I (and everyone else here) didn’t. Fact.
No one with a modicom of self respect, self love, healthy boundaries or ability to sense ” danger – words and actions don’t match – that’s what this lesson is. No one who feels supported, loved, at peace and in tune to their own self would even tolerate less than loving acts towards them. That’s the lesson. Chipping away at our souls is a right that is yours alone to give – its your soul. Just like giving a complete stranger the right to repeatedly smack you in the head (not something you’d do normally) it’s up to you in the long run. I understand that you’re feeling awful, silent treatment is awful, But at the end of the day, there are many alternatives to silence – listening to music, changing your nail polish, reading a book, phoning a friend…etc. We all have free will. Please, please, please choose something to do for YOU rather than allow/give permission for this person to disrupt you any further. I believe in you. Please let you believe in you. Much love being sent from Indonesia xxxxxxxxxx
I really liked this article…it really makes sense! I like feeling that I am not alone! In reading about being swept off your feet…but from the beginning red flags appeared, but because the love felt so good you ignored them or made excuses…That was so me! WOW! There was a lot of little things that kept not making sense. I’d mention something I really liked that he did and he would stop doing it? When I realized this thought I was crazy! Why would he do that! Now I know! The first major abuse, where he got mad at me had me isolated and shot me a nasty look then stopped talking to me the rest of the night…that was all it took for me! I kicked him out! The 2 times I’ve seen him since I called him out on any lie he told or when he tried to shift blame! So I don’t think I will hear from him again! I stayed calm and just threw his crap back at him! No supply from me anymore! Boy did I dodge a big bullet! Was only in it for 10 months! Thank you for this site, it has been very informative and helpful!
Hi Sharon,
I am so glad the article resonated with you – and you have got firm in regard to No Contact.
You are very welcome!
Mel xo
The timing of your emails is uncanny. It seems like every time I’m in my head and even sometimes on the brink or just starting to realize an important aspect of this relationship, I open my inbox and there’s article from you speaking to what I’m going through.
I really think I’m going to be okay! I’ve started surrounding myself with my true friends and doing things that support my self esteem. I’m happy to have a night alone and relieved when he stays away.
I have been struggling with why, even after he broke my ribs, I allow him to come back and act as if nothing ever happened. It’s because I’m not being real with myself, and I’m hanging on trying to squeeze out any little bit of kindness he might show me. But you know what? It’s not enough. I know he is False. That’s all he’s ever been. And I know I have been false too in letting someone treat me so horribly and not standing up for myself and taking responsibility in creating the life I deserve.
Thank you so much, Melanie. I have not had the time or money to devote to therapy, but I really feel that you have walked me through this step by step. I am forever grateful.
Hi Rose,
thank you for your post.
Thank you for your honesty and I am so glad the article ‘spoke’ to you as it did.
A massive part of being real to ourself Rose is committing to ourselves with healing…and knowing that we deserve to.
For so many of us Rose (when the pain is so extreme) just knowing information Rose is not enough – I was in this category…
The deep inner healing work and making that a big priority is often what really facilitates us getting well and out of the hooks and the abuse.
It isn’t just about getting away from ‘this narcissist’, it is really important to realise how important it is to heal our pattern of inner abuse…otherwise we may end up in an identical situation in the future.
I suggest watching the NARP video and feel into it as well as the testimonies of others, because you don’t have to stay stuck in the pain and the destruction indefinitely – there is a way out…
Mel xo
THIS is so true Melanie and I wish women would hear it well. I have recognized the process intellectually for the last twenty years but still kept on repeating it over and over until I loathed myself and thought it must be something wrong with me that I was attracting nothing but abusers. Knowing it intellectually is not fixing it – the work must be done and that was my failure, to not do the hard and lets face it boring, physical work on myself.
Hi Tracy,
Thank you for your post – and yes it is an important message, and one I am very passionate about – because it saves people from ‘thinking they are ok’ and staying stuck in the destructive and even life-threatening patterns..
I also believed for many years that the solution was ‘intellectual’..
Now I truly know the value of doing inner work!
Mel xo
Tracy I recognised it intellectually and emotionally then there was this huge gap I couldn’t fix separate or anything from. I started to loathe myself….. then I knew I wasn’t wasn’t being true to myself
I give thanks every day for Melanie, her website, blog and everyone else who shares. I am about to hand over the house to him and walk away from 30 years. The house is the only tie left and I cannot negotiate with him. All I require is for him to sign the divorce papers in exchange for the house. I feel light. My family and friends are urging me on from the sidelines – I feel like I have completed a marathon and finally coming home. I believe my family and friends are as exhausted as I am of this debacle! Thank you all…..
HI Jacqueline,
it is wonderful hearing your level of detachment and the claiming of your freedom.
Great that you have done the work within yourself to achieve this level.
Well done 🙂
Mel xo
Jacqueline, walk away. YOU owe it to yourself. You are not alone ever
You are so right BH! I’ve been so bad that he punishes me by not contacting me! When he came last week to exchange things I asked him what does being on a break mean to you? (we were suppose to be on a break) I said to me it means that we would still communicate…he then went into a song and dance about how busy he has been, that’s why he hasn’t called…I said its ok, it gave me time to reflect on our relationship and realize how unhealthy it was for me so I am done! He is really sick! No contact is easy for me because I have no interest in seeing him or talking to him again! I hope Sara and Kate can stay strong. Because no contact is the best closure we can get!
My NARC was perfect!!!!! it was like everything we knew about ourselves in a beautiful way became poisoned.
thank you for sharing your personal story, Mel. I haven’t heard it, although I have heard and read much of your material. it was very validating to hear.
Hi Vanessa,
you are very welcome, and thank you for your post!
Mel xo
Actually it’s whole different experience. Whenever u’ll be sad, the ex Nars will remind u dat u’ve many things to be happy. We can generate a positive life which The NPD’s cant. We wont get complacent because we’ve now experienced emptiness up close and personal. Melanie always mails me when I’m really upset or wen I feel like going back. Much luv.
Hi Aman,
I really hope that my emails to you are not just something that props you up enough to survive.
My greatest desire is that you do work on yourself and learn how to thrive.
I want you to be your own power in your own right and that is what my material and resources are all about.
Truly
Mel xo
My ex has apparently moved on With his life havi.g a new ‘young’ wife etc but he is still intent in making my life as difficult as possible. We have children and its very difficuly to have no contact. I ask him when he wants the children on school holidays etc, he wont reply, i tell him when id like them he goes all out to make sure i dont get what i want. Its a no win Situation.
Hi Anon,
the message is ‘you can’t change him’ – but you CAN change you….
Then your feelings, perceptions, and ultimately life experience will shift.
I have seen the most ‘hopeless’ narc abuse situations change when you work on changing.
Mel xo
this article was also timely for me i keep feeling like i should be the one to take the high road in our separation and that it is all my fault if i had just been a better wife not required his help with our children he would still be here the wake up moment came to me when aagain i gave in and advanced him money so he could come and see his kids as he kept complaining that he couldnt he then put up another excuse so i fixed that this had gone on fro days until i realise he has no genuine interest in us we are just another trophy whom he says he cares about but really doesnt i have really low self worth at the moment but i know i cant get any lower so its now time to start rebuilding for me and my kids without him i am going to try no contact and hand over the regins to a solicitor so i dont have to be manipulated by his emotional pull and the need to do things right by our children as he puts it they will see how mean you were to their father i know in time they will truely see the real truth thankyou for your posts they keep me on the path i should now take instead of following the one i find familiar and to some extent easier.
Hi Ainslee,
yes that is so true that the path of being the victim and being emotionally controlled does seem ‘easier’ – yet how can it be when it only grants us more and more pain?
I am so glad you are able to realise there is a much better way to work with yourself than that!
And we have to stop doing what is ‘familiar’ when it clearly does not stop the pain or bring the results we seek.
Keep it up!
Mel xo
NO DOES MEAN NO… allowing the pain to return…How does it serve you.. I thought for a moment My less than beliefs have not served me EVER.. Thank you Melanie
Some of us are different Mel. I was a very happy fun loving person for 40 years and then I met a “con”. Con’s come in many forms. They can take your money or your emotions or both. Lucky the con I met only wanted my emotions. I met him on a blind date otherwise I wouldnt have even noticed him across a crowded room. Eighteen years later and going through property settlement I am still the same person but wiser to life. I “know” I will not be conned ever again and it didnt take going into “myself”. It just took realising that there are sick people out there. That is all it took. There should be a topic in the primary schools about personality disorders just as there was on religious education. Plain and simply educating people.
Hi Donna,
yes we are all different and I welcome your opinion.
Mine is based on intimately being involved for several years of facilitating narcissistic abuse recovery – and my observations and the consistencies regarding that.
Many of the people I have worked with (a large percentage) believed it had nothing to do with unhealed parts and left and moved on – only to experience another narc abuse situation down the track – despite believing they had ‘got it’ and knew how to spot a narc / abuser / fake in the future.
At that point they were unaware of the ‘unconscious’ deal – they believed it was purely logical – I was also one of these people previously.
Donna I have to ask: If you were always okay, and there was nothing ‘wrong’ with you – why did it take 18 years to know and accept and honour yourself in regard to ‘being conned’…
If it was JUST about you realising he was sick – why didn’t you look after you and get out as soon as this was evident?
If you had described your narc event as only being a month until you realised and got out I could agree…
I totally concur with ‘education’ and like you I believe it is sorely and disastrously missing.
I also know this: no matter what education and warnings we have – that if we still have parts of us that are not solid within us – then we still gravitate to and co-create relationships that show these parts up…regardless.
Mel xo
HI Mel
The short answer is that I was treated very well by every man in my life up until I met the “con” and I didn’t know he was “sick”. He was an adopted only child from New Zealand who was living with and bringing up his two children then 15yo and 16yo. I thought he was sad, broken in spirit and been treated badly although he never spoke about his past relationships. He was self sufficient, hard worker, had his own money, house, investments, wasn’t into porn, didn’t play around, didn’t do drugs and kept a clean and tidy house.
I had never even heard the word bi-polar let alone narcissistic personality disorder. I knew absolutely nothing, never heard, never experienced, never knew that there were very mentally sick people among us so why wouldn’t I think this man was like every other man I knew and that he had a few bad experiences. After all he was bringing up two children “on his own”. Whenever he got angry and lost it I never once felt it was my fault. I never once blamed me and I still don’t. I also had a 3yo and a 6yo to bring up, plus work, in those 18 years which kept me focused on other things other then me and the relationship.
I call him a “con” because I believe in my heart that is what he is and if that fits into having NPD then so be it.
The future..now..there is no way whatsoever that I would not, could not pick a “con” from a mile away and that is “because I know now”. The first red flag and I would be gone. It would just take one and not three as they say. The more charming he is the more I would be wary and the thing that stands out mostly with me is “I am not looking”. I dont need anyone in my life. I get lonely but that goes with the territory but I certainly dont need anyone.
I don’t feel sorry for myself, I actually feel lucky that I have experienced all of the emotions that anyone could possibly want to feel. I have actually felt love even though I loved a fake. I have felt tremendous sorrow. I have experienced the very very highs and the very very lows.
What is the saying. “It is better to have loved then to not have loved at all”. It was my love that I felt and he will never be able to take that away from me or feel what I felt.
Yes I have heard that a few get caught up in another narc relationship but that doesnt mean all of us who don’t blame ourselves will. Quite frankly it astounds me that it happens twice or even three times. I believe anyone can be “conned” by these people but twice, three times is very sad however yes I agree these people need to find out why they keep being attracted to abusers. Abusers do show their cards right from the beginning so why do some of us not see the signs when we have already been exposed. Yes that is the question.
BTW my “husband” has moved on to another woman. She lives 4 hours drive away. He has known her for 12 months and she has already written a character reference for him and lodged it in Court to do with our property settlement. Our relationship 18 years and their relationship 1 year and she thinks she knows him…. How is that for a con artist. Will she need to look inside herself eventually? Who knows. They may actually work together.
Hi Donna,
a true NPD would have been incredibly unliveable for 18 years, and it would have been very difficult for you to carry on with raising children and work, without being stripped, battered and sucked dry if he was NPD.
Donna every relationship has two people in it, and it not about ‘blaming ourself’ it is about taking responsibility and being able to ‘grow’.
Even if we are with abusers (and if we were not) we also had a part to play in our relationships – simply because we were in these relationships.
Personal growth and awareness has nothing to do with ‘self-blame’ and this is absolutely not what my writing, radio shows or Programs are about!
It is fantastic that you have taken the positives absolutely – and that you still believe in love!
Mel xo
Dear Mel
The reason people stay with N’s is because they are incredibly charming. It is not all bad or we all wouldn’t have stayed. It is not unliveable to live with a true NPD. I did it and at times it was extremely difficult but it was not unliveable.
There are people who are living with N’s now and have done for years and will probably be there until death do them part.
My husband is a true NPD. I was stripped, battered and sucked dry as you put it and I will never ever be stripped, battered and sucked dry ever again because I realise now that the subtlety over time, of these messed up people, actually messes with us more then our own healthy self esteem problems that we may have had when we met them.
No it is not blaming ourselves but nobody is perfect and if we happen to come across NPD’s nobody who hasn’t experienced them would even think twice.
NPD’s pick the vulnerable but the vulnerable could simply be people who have never seen abuse before. Happy, fun loving people who are out to have a good time. Who believe deep down everybody has empathy.
I have issues now “because” of the N. I stayed with the N because I thought he was just a messed up kid. Little did I know that I was literally RIGHT.
I had been looking for so many years about why I didn’t have what I wanted. I did go to a place I promised myself I would never go back to again. I KNOW now and I always did. I just didn’t trust me With. this NARC… Same cycle awareness came quickly, my ego got in the way.
it’s not easy.
i have been put down for 20 years .every positive thing i wanted to make in this intire 20 years my narcissistic husband destroyed it for me.when you are put down for so long,it is nearly impossible to stand up.i have the desire to be able to stand up but no more the strength.for me it’s finished, he stole my life,destroyed all my relations humiliated me in every possible way…i am left with nothing,i’m just holding myself for the children,even that i’m not sure it was the right thing to do.i see the negative influance on my 18 year old son.i would be thankfull for any advice and support.some days are much worse,so i apolagize if i seem too negative.
Hi Mira,
my advice and support to you – the best I can offer is – ‘you need to heal’.
If you are willing to do that, and to take the responsibility to do that, then you can start doing this.
That is how people recover from the devastation of this…
And if you want to start reading about the inspiration of this – and how people do – you may want to read last week’s article which did have many inspirational posts from people who HAVE broken through – and some of them from total narc abuse depths…
Nothing is going to change until you want to heal you – because the fact is the damage of what happened, and who the narcissist is – is what it is – you can ONLY change you.
I hope this makes sense…
Mel xo
Mira – You are not mistaken in worrying about the influence on your son. I worried and still worry (with cause as it has influenced) but if you read Melanie’s blog and radio show on this topic it will give a great deal of relief as it shows the way to take the initiative rather than be helpless to it. Besos xx
Thanks Melanie for another timely reminder…although we are still starving in a third world country due to being financially/emotionally abandoned here (myself and the kids) any reasonable (?) thoughts and memories of my looooooong marriage all point to being false. The TRUE love of my life would not withold finances for his family, or conduct smear campaigns amongst family/friends in our home country, or lie to avoid financial responsibilty to child support or solicitors, or do any of the multitude of crap-acts in between for 18 years….hell, I remember being angry (but not saying a word) on my wedding night because of his control freak ways…how “off” was that? my kids and I have have fun the last few days taking photos of what we can do with his latest floral arrangement offering (refuses to pay correct child support or spousal maintenance, yet sends flowers once a week with poorly written begging messages – i’d rather the cash to support our children quite frankly!) We have made floral sandwiches, underwear, candles (instead of having electricity) etc…it helps to gain a sense of humour (only done after doing Melanies video for free healings btw – cant afford NARP yet…waiting for the universe to supply at thr right time). Everything I thought, knew and considered about that person (ex) was wrong…and he plays it out daily, like a confirmation list (I am NC, despite him texting, emailing the kids etc). I KNOW I am worthy of better…now it feels like knowing that gravity exists…cant see it, but don’t doubt its true. Thank you again Melanie – you are helping me and my kids to heal every day.
Mel I read your messages over and over last August when my N dumped me for somebody else then ignored them for the last year when I took him back thinking he would change. Now I have dumped him no arguments–he never listened anyway and would just say I was mentally ill –just stopped cold. No contact after four years of lying to myself and relying on this cardboard cutout fairytale liar and cheat to bring some meaning to my life. Then I started speaking out against the bs and lies and then one day it hit me: my life had meaning before him. I had let him take it from me. No need to justify myself to him. I just dumped him at last! No more guilt. No more uncertainty. No more being a paranoid needy insecure sugardaddy/nurse/greeter/personal assistant/beggar/mediator/sex toy/fixer upper/ motivator/wallflower/ voluntary geisha. No more bad kinky unsatisfying humiliating sex. No more ten hour waits for a call back, no more corny copy and paste love messages followed by requests for money followed by silence. No more feeling like I’m a bad selfish person every time I even attempt to speak my mind. No more sleepless nights trying to figure out whether or not he loves me. No more wasting time trying to squeeze water out of a stone. I am well and truly done. It is over. I’m free and there’s a whole world out there waiting to be discovered every day. Welcome back LIFE!!!!
Hi Jeff,
Yes it is really normal to fall back on the hook – so many of us did that!
I am so glad you are back – and seeing it clearly…
Remember that it’s not just about the great ‘out there’…it truly authentically is about developing the great ‘in there”’….because that is where the ‘out there’ is created from…
I hope this makes sense!
Mel xo
Hi Indogirl,
I am pleased you are accessing the free healings and are making the most of them – and experiencing the shift out of the pain into your True Self.
That’s wonderful!
I love the flower giggles! I roared with laughter!
Life can only start honouring you – because you are honouring you.
Just keep clearing and opening up that space – and truly you will see! It’s not far away!
…and that’s exciting…
Mel xo
Another fantasic podcast and article Mel. Thank you again for so passionately reaching out to help us all understand the only way to find true happiness in life. You are so right… you have to look within yourself and heal yourself to find all the answers that set you free. When you can do that the relief is unbelievable and comforting and releases so much. Your spot on, I asked myself the question what was my NARC was doing that was so soul destroying to me..What were the biggest hooks. I got it, they were MY my biggest fears in life.. I am attracting them into my life. Being really honest with myself they had always been there for years and years and if I dont fix them they are going to keep coming to me. I kept blaming him for his behaviour in relation to this, desperatly trying to fix them through him. Then I relised based on the law of attraction I was being delivered what my underlaying focus/fears are. OMG I get it. Its nothing to do with him. The universe is delivering it because of where Im at. As soon as I realised this the relief was enormous, I cannot even explain what lifted and how enlighted the realization made me feel. To all who read this let me share with you my life was a mess, I felt suicidal, then I was diagnosed with breast cancer, which I know was a direct result of my relationship. Absorbing all those “shell shock/black ink moments. I prayed and a couple of days later I literally stumbling accross Mels web site. In the last 6 months I have read, listened to Mels Pod Casts, Quanta Healing has helped shift so much. I use to look at pictures of myself pre NARC days and wonder what had happened and who I had become. Thank you Mel from the bottom of my heart. I am coming home thanks to your wisdom. Each day I grow, I use to go 5 forward and 3 back, but after getting its about me totally and my unheal parts I feel so different. I can relate to everything in this article but I am becoming free! Your the best teacher xoxo
Hi Margy,
you are so welcome, and it is truly gorgeous seeing how you have come back from the brink and broken free..
Yes you do ‘get it’ and it is so hard to ‘get it’ logically – we can’t – we have to do the work, the healing and then we ‘get it’…hence why you have and you are released..
Bless and hugs
Mel xo
You have saved my life.
Hi Dmb,
I am so pleased I could help you
Mel xo
I could really relate to this blog I am awaiting the return of my narc fom overseas and dreading it.
I wonder is my ex actually a narc – all of these stories and expressed feelings resonate with me. My partner was abusive verbally, cold – his generosity and kindness instinctively seemed contrived and an act of control as opposed to love. From the beginning something was “off” like you said.
But then I think, he cried in movies or when sad stories came up in the news (obviously he feels the same emotions we do? Aren’t narc not supposed to feel the same way as us?) And he is friends with all his ex girlfriends. One of 15 years (that his sister said he treated like a door-mat and made her a total mess) and another from years prior, why are these women still in contact with him? Is it that they are just still under his spell – it seems like it as he is very handsome.
I am hurting and truing to forget him after 5 years, we ended it and I have not heard a word for 3 months, he showed no signs of love when it was ending, and it all ended because I wanted to discuss our plans for the future.
Anyway – he is an ex alcoholic, was very controlling and gradually became more mean – accusing me of being fat when I only weighed 119!
Glad it’s over – but his random signs of thoughtfulness confuse me. Was he really a narc or just not in love with me.
Hi Michelle,
I would once ask myself if he really was/is a narc and honestly it doesn’t matter if he is a narc, a psychopath, sociopath, abuser, bipolar, borderline or whatever disorder you want to name. The truth is, he is abusive and any sort of abuse is unacceptable. When we are being ‘real’ and true to ourselves, we know instinctively and respect ourselves enough to know ‘this man is not a match for me and how I ‘choose’ to live or be treated. When we heal the wounds within ourselves we are not attracted to what we give out or ask for. Everything that is happening to all of us when we are being abused is a direct result of problems within ‘US’ that need to be healed so we don’t feel attracted to these disordered people. We will be repelled by their behaviour, not attracted to it. There is an article about ‘how to tell if someone has NPD’ or has traits or whatever and if you find that article (look in older articles) then you will find your answer. Whether or not he is or isn’t is diesn’t matter like I said, it only matters that you heal so you can be empowered and free of the pain. I have been a member of this site and community for a while now and have been through the depths of narc abuse, nearly costing me my life, as has Melanie and have been working with the NARP Programme. It will pull you out of your situation very quickly and empower you to make the right choices. That applies to everyone. XO
…A mistake with my wording…” When we heal the wounds within ourselves we are not attracted to what we give out or ask for”… (This is meant to read – ‘when we heal the wounds within ourselves, we are a match and attract the real authentic people in our lives, as we ask for what we feel about ourselves)’ 🙂
My solicitor, who specializes in family law, says to me often. Abusers “GROOM” their partners.
Until we really understand that there are people out there like this we literally have no idea what is happening until it is too late.
I understand, now, there are people out there who are emotional con artists and it will never happen to me again.
I am having to re-invent myself “because” of all the residue that was left by the narc.
I will not and cannot accept that I was attracted to him because I had some deep seated issues that I had to get over. No. I am putting all that happened squarely on his shoulders and I am fighting back with taking him to Court.
If I lost my money to a con artist who came to my front door asking for money I would do the same. It doesn’t necessarily mean I have financial problems I have to work through. It simply means I was conned by a good con artist. It also means I will not be conned again.
Also emotional con artists are harder to pick as you are not literally handing over anything monetary or tangible.
Narc this time you lose and the only thing that is going to hurt you is losing your money.
Hi Donna,
I am really interested as to why you have been attracted to my material or articles when there are many narc abuse forums that facilitate supporting victims with no inner recognition or responsibility.
I respect this is your choice, and I also respect that our basis of observing narc abuse is completely different.
So why are you here?
Mel xo
Hi Mel
Isn’t narc abuse the reason we are all here?
I am attracted to your material because I have been narcissistic-ally abused.
To say I have no inner recognition or responsibility is not correct.
Our basis of observing narc abuse is different however our observations are only our observations.
Abuse is abuse and abuse comes from the abuser.
A rape victim should not look within herself as to why she was in the right place at the wrong time or that she may have acted promiscuous.
We learn that there are not nice people out there.
We protect ourselves after the fact.
It is not as black and white as to say the victim needs to look at themselves.
Spirituality, in any form, is all very well and good, saying we all played a part in it is correct, we did, however sometimes we have to stand up and say “No” it is not me it is “you”. I am OK, you are not and I trusted you. You diddled me. You conned me. Why did I let it happen….because I am a good person and I believed in you not knowing that you were damaged. The end.
Hi Donna,
yes it is…
I am glad you realise that having no inner recognition on ‘our part’ is not your deal…
Yes abuse is abuse – and remaining in abuse is abuse to our self.
Yes it was tough, yes we got hooked, and yes it was confusing – but while we were getting abused our emotions screamed at us ‘something is horribly wrong’ and we did not listen – we rationalised all the reasons for staying – INSTEAD of honouring our inner truth…..and that was OUR deal – no-one else’s.
The excuse of ‘why I did that’ – being I didn’t know you were damaged – really struggles to cut it when you are experiencing awful pain – especially for 18 years.
Ok ‘I didn’t know you were damaged??’ – but really wasn’t it about “I’m being damaged”…and surely that is what self-responsibility is all about?
I agree it took me a long time to ‘know’ I was being abused, (even though it was emotionally devastated), because truly I had no awareness of MY rights, truth or boundaries, or what I did or didn’t deserve, or how to honour me.
I also at that point had no idea that taking responsibility meant that I was the person responsible for my wellbeing – it was NOT the abuser’s job.
That’s what I am talking about…
Yes I do believe that there are inner reasons we attract anything in our life including sexual abuse – I was one of these women as are 1 out of 5 women who have suffered serious sexual abuse….
And I know THIS was a continued pattern in my life – regardless of what I knew – until I took responsibility that I was the common denominator in these events in MY life and in response to that I did the inner healing on it…
I know now I have no fear, I have the ability to be very real and true to my boundaries (without fear) and life supports me now in a way that I hadn’t previously known on this issue – specifically because I healed my sexual abuse and the pain and fear on that – which had started as a pattern for me at age 3.
Nothing since doing that work – and no fear of it ever happening again…whereas it used to haunt me…
A coincidence? I certainly don’t believe so…
I have also worked on countless women who have sexual abuse pain and fear in their inner self (it is so common especially with women who suffer narc abuse) – who have also re-lived this horror by unconsciously attracting it until they healed themself…
It is a common program and pattern and one that healers encounter and help women with repeatedly.
yes, we do agree to disagree.
Mel xo
Hi Donna, I would like to voice ‘my opinion’ on a few things I also disagree with, with some of your comments…I believe we are responsible for everything that happens in our life, good or bad. I believe when we have unhealed parts, have been abused, sexually or in any other way, it is because ‘WE’ have in an unconscious or conscious way, asked for what it was we needed in life, that was then delivered to us. My abuse patterns started when I was 2 and I watched and learned from one of my parents, (so that is how to be loved, or that was what love is). I was also taught that you have to just ‘cop it on the chin’ and ‘let things be’ in order to ‘keep the peace’ which is what I though true love was all about. Take the good with the bad and surrender to the abuse.
I don’t agree with blaming another person entirely who has hurt us, without looking at our part in the abuse as well, as that is exactly what Narcissists do. They never take responsibility for their actions, blaming us instead to not have to face the truth about themselves. As a result they keep following the same patterns of abusing the next person they hook onto (usually someone who has something that stands out to them that they can get supply from). It is true that it is ‘US’ who deep down have something inside us that is attracting the abuse, I totally believe that, mainly from experience and from learning an awful lot from Melanie’s experience and her tireless work to provide us with the facts (much appreciated Mel).
There was a lot of work, real experiences and emotional digging, reliving her pain, trauma, and horror for her to come up with this wonderous website full of resources and information that it to help us heal.
We do have to look inside us and find the triggers, and not shift blame. Sure they are responsible for some horrible deeds, but it is not entirely their fault.
Being a good person, as I myself am, a self confessed over-functioning ’empath’, very compassionate, loving, nuturing etc, although insecure, fragile, feeling unloved, co-dependant and the list goes on, is what has been my pattern of attracting the men in my life that truly don’t deserve me. I know that now, but didn’t realise my patterns were creating a less than experience for me and I was freely giving myself to them. I too have been raped, more than once, nearly killed as I did present myself as ‘here I am, come and abuse me, as I don’t value and love myself. I wanted men to love me and only knew from what I had learned that to be loved, I had to give and give of myself. I hope you find your answers Donna, but by resisting what may really being going on with you, no one else, and why the abuse took place, is a process, only by searching deep within will the answer be there. The NARP programme has got me on the path to freedom and I am finding more of my authentic self every day. Thank you again Melanie and I wish you all the best Donna. x
Michelle, one more thing…It is classic Narc behaviour what he is demonstrating and the ex girlfriends are narc supply as is his confusing you with random thoughts of kindness etc. He is wanting you to validate him and believe he is a good person. They are not real by any stretch of the imagination and there is something inside you that is questioning his actions and words ‘wanting him to be real’ but it isn’t. I was shattered when I realised my ‘great love’ was a fake and used me for narc supply by putting on the false charm and was good at manipulating my emotions to make me believe he was genuine and loved me. I would rather live my truth and be authentic than live in an illusion which is a lie. Be true to yourself and you will thrive. X
Hi Michelle,
Jac and Indogirl have answered you perfectly.
And if I can just add some more stuff (you poor thing you probably feel overloaded!) to consider…
The reasons why it is not really important ‘who he is’ are this.
1) When we are receiving painful and unfulfilling relationships there is something ‘in’ us that is not solid on who we are, and what we deserve and what we will or will not accept in a relationship.
2) Rather than standing in that value and truth and knowing it and walking it, we hang on to ‘less than’ behaviour.
3) Because we don’t know that we alone are responsible for our wellbeing and the creator of it, we fear ‘loss’, we fear ‘there may not be love again’ rather than stand in our truth and know that if we lose someone whose version of love is NOT a match for our own deservedness – then we will walk forward and create someone who is. But (please know) this is only possible when we become that to ourself.
4) Rather than healing these parts of us that are not solid we look to the outside to try to get the approval and love that we don’t believe and live about ourself.
5) Then we stay in our heads (rather than healing these parts of ourself that are not solid) and we try to cling, force, or manipulate someone to ‘love us and approve of us’ rather than doing what we really need to do – which is heal and learn how to solidly love and approve of ourself.
6) If we try to stand in our deservedness and our rights, without doing the real inner work – we don’t really believe in what we try to enforce and we will always cave in, sell ourself out and not be able to uphold our truth, our boundaries and our deservedness..
The reason is because we don’t DEEPLY BELIEVE IT….and it is impossible to ‘be’ something and act accordingly when it is not real for you.
All of this brings it exactly back to the same place, and this is the same for everyone here who is struggling.
The message is: to STOP the pain – and turn your focus within to heal and support yourself…
And this is not about ‘him’ or ‘her’ this is about the inner you…
And it doesn’t matter how much you try to make it about ‘him’ or ‘her’…because YOU are the person creating your experience with every ‘him’ or ‘her’ that you encounter..
You may get away from that ‘him’ or ‘her’ (or not) and if you don’t work on yourself you will simply create an identical of worse ‘him’ or ‘her’ in your experience – and you may believe ‘I now know’…
but if the inner you does not know – then it will play out exactly as it did before – you will not stand in your truth, you will not back your deservedness, and you will not believe in yourself enough to be this truth.
Your ‘mind’ has no power over your deep fears, insecurities, limitation or ‘less than’ emotional beliefs about yourself.
You may ‘think’ you know better – but unless you ‘know’ it – then you won’t do better, and you will keep living out the pattern or where you left off last time..
Because no true inner change occurred.
I hope that has simplified things for you…
Mel xo
Dear Mel
Your blog came with perfect timing for me too.
The self honesty aspect is critical but for me so is learning to nurture yourself. I got out of my first narcissist relationship at 30 but at an almost unbearable price – giving up custody of my children and then letting my husband abuse me emotionally but covertly in order to remain in their lives and take the flak away from them. I had the support of a wonderful man for 20 years, and another daughter, but he then died after fighting duodenal cancer for 4 years. But wonderful as he was, some of me was not able to find expression in the marriage so what did I do 2 years after that? Get involved with another narc although he presented differently. This one I fell ridiculously in love with, (unlike my first husband who held me more through first youthful and then maternal guilt, soggy empathy and lack of understanding of how to deal with my emotions). I am now trying with your and every bit of help I can muster, to evict even trace memories of this unreal relationship from every pore of my body. I feel like someone in AA as there are days when I wonder if I’ll ever get rid of this sense of addiction although I am virtually divorced and resolved to continue with this 6 months of No Contact for the rest of my life. But it’s tough because we live at different edges of the same market town, and could meet accidentally, and because at 62 I have to face the possibility that the future is not going to include the sort of loving relationship with someone that I would ideally like. Not impossible, but unlikely as I know I haven’t realised anything like my personal potential and am therefore going to struggle to catch up in time to attract the right relationship before I hit dementia! And having finally acknowledged the extent of my vulnerable and dependent side as well as the independent feisty part, being alone is, well,sometimes just horribly lonely.
Being strong has so often in the past left me feeling guilty, but by deploying that strength in more pacifist ways, instead of aggressive defensive ones, I don’t seem to have the same tendency to fall out of the frying pan into the fire.
Love and supportive hugs to everyone struggling to find their way out of a narc minefield. xo
Hi Jenny,
Wow your life has been incredibly challenging – truly you deserve a medal to still be here with is!
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Please don’t believe in limitations because at your True Self level you absolutely are ‘what you desire’ and absolutely life has it sitting there for you – when you get your fears, your limitations and your blocks out of the way of that goal.
There are no limits…
When you Be-come it – it will come.
I would so love you to purge the ‘bits’ you have left and open up to becoming what you seek.
Mel xo
Wow!!! What incredibly raw honesty! Your words resonate with me on a deep visceral level. I am daily working on my unhealed parts. There has been an incredible learning curve for me in the last few months. The biggest one learning about my vulnerabilities. I’ve always known my part in all of this but my thought and emotional patterns have been to turn on myself with negativity and self abuse, mostly with inner dialogue. Im truly learning about layers that have built up over the years by experiencing one layer being peeled back only for another to show up. I also get concerned at times because of my age that I may not heal before I find authentic love; however, i know it is not available until my love for myself is authentic. I am changed. . .and changing. I feel a true deep transformation taking place which is exhilerating and, at times, very painful. But I have become so intricately aware of how I habitualized dissassociating from myself the moment discomfort arises. The beautiful part is the “pause”, the gap, and then experiencing what it is I am feeling. It is growing into a true love for myself. My pace seems slow to me but others have voiced seeing a difference in me. This is nice to hear but I remind myself that it is me who has to “get” me. I have integrated meditation and education on the vibrational shift that is essential to healing. I have learned so much from you Melanie . . . so so very much. Sometimes I have trouble with the quanta freedom healings. They are powerful but for me there seems to be a lot of steps in the healings and somewhat fast paced and a lot of questions come up during them. I thought maybe I needed someone in person in addition to the recorded healings. I have incorporated a local quantum touch healer into the process as well as continuing to learn about the laws of attraction. There are definitely still blocks. It is arduous at times. However, I consciously practice presence and non-resistance daily and because of what I know now there is no turning back. I have slacked on my journnaling so this writing in and of itself is somewhat cathartic.
Hi Michelle – I think that if you even have to ask the question…”is he a narc?” that should speak volumes to you!!!! No true partner who loves us for US is verbally abusive or cold…
Yep, mine used to cry in movies too (animal movies) yet, if there was real-life-hurt going down, not a sign of anything…I believe they do feel emotions – just not anything that I want to recognise! (mine of 18 years is trying his damnedest to suck us back in – hasn’t found another sucker yet) At the end of the day…go back to verbal abuse and coldness. Is that anything loving? Nope! Hey, I probably still drink waaaay more than I probably should (working on it, – used to ease the pain of being married to what I now recognise as a narcissist! no an excuse – but a really good explanation to me NOW) I am 45, was constantly trotted off to the Cosmetic Surgeon as “I looked old”, was forced to get breast implants, and weigh 45kg….honey – stay strong – would a person who actually loved you go 3 months without closure???? – yes, he probably was a narc (which by definition means not in love with you, just what you represented) and you deserve so very very much better!
Much love from Indonesia – you can do this – don’t look back for a second. xxxx
Hi Indogirl 🙂 They are good actors and my ex would cry in Movies that reminded him of us, but was distant and unmoving with real life adversities. He would say after the Japanese earthquake had happened, when I would express my sadness, asking him how he felt about it, he just said, without emotion ‘it doesn’t effect me, and why are you so upset, you’re not there!’ He thought the sunsmi was great and it was as if he was watching a movie, becoming quite excited about it! His tears were usually a way to get my attention about something, they were never real tears. He said he loved me so much with tears in his eyes, then abuse me a second later if I didn’t respond the right way or at the right time. Their minds are disordered and when we learn the truth, it is best to leave them alone and stop trying to get inside their heads figuring them out as that is a dangerous place to go. As Melanie has said, trying to get a crocodile to act like a labrador is an excrushiatingly pointless exercise. They are what they are. Streeeetchy (((hug))) from Tassie. X
HELP.
I filed a restraining order June 11 diagnosed with breat cancer June 12. Because of cancer restraining order delayed to 10/8/2012. Husband filed for divorce and tried to evict me 3 times no luck still in marital home. Husband now wants to make deal with restraining order. Wants me to drop order and also wants me to negotiate divorce and separation of assetts . My attorney is asking me to list what I want out of this short marriage(2 years, knew hasband for 9). I do not know what to do. I want out but if I drop restraining order, I have no protection.
I also ran one of his companies and he has put me on an unpaid leave of absence. No income
Any thoughts out there? Thanks
Hi Nancy,
yes your situation is very difficult and my heart goes out to you.
Truly Nancy keep that restraining order in place and don’t get swayed into dropping it with the ‘promise’ of negotiations…
Narcs do NOT fairly negotiate – they play one upmanship, and it is all about ‘them’ with no fair play in regard to you.
I would highly suggest against trying to work things out between you and your husband…you are not a match for lies, manipulation, bullying, guilting and tactics to ensure HE gets the right deal (no decent person is a match for this).
Right now your health comes first. It is typical that he won’t leave. Have you considered for your mental and emotional health and wellbeing to leave and stay with friends or family and putting your emotional state first?
Then keep the intervention order on, enforce No Contact, and do all dealings through a solicitor and go for what you are entitled to.
While you are still married he has to (and can be forced to) legally pay you money.
If you do move out make sure you do this when he is not home, so you can take what you want to take.
I hope this helps and hugs and good luck
Mel xo
As I started to read your article Melanie my heart started to pound…knowing but still ignoring..NARC would speak to me like he understood how I felt..seemed to have so much in common..I thought what I good guy..we were different part of my attraction to him. Then he would say things…I have a psycho ex (his wife) I found out later. She abuses me cause she knows I won’t hit a woman. I would invite him for dinner…ok I’ll come and save you.I would sit there speechless..gobsmacked..Have you met me? NARC response I love your little sayings..I told him 3 independent women live in this house. he didn’t speak to me for 2 weeks. When I mentioned it in conversation. He responded I didn’t say that. NARC was abusive in every way. Then he would worm his way back all cute and misunderstood. Throwing me off balance at work was his specialty..would come in to describe some kind of drama…keep me up late at night..tell me something bad had happened with psycho ex. The whole time I knew he was everything I had told him I did not want in my life again. I just didn’t want it to be true. I then accepted he really was trying to take me for everything I had. I can create enough drama in my life..I don’t need you adding to it. AND THERE IT WAS…Me taking responsibility for my own life. I wasn’t ready for a new relationship when I met him. I just decided I was and he was the one..OMG who’s the codependent NARC now. For so many years there has been a hole that I couldn’t seem to fill..fix..something. I am not allowing NARC to poison my home or me again..EVER. Thankyou Melanie from the bottom of my heart.X
Hi Deb,
I am glad you got some awareness out of the article and that it has helped.
It was great you were brave enough to keep reading with your pounding heart!
Yes so true we did play out our controlling co-dependent stuff with narcs absolutely – as well as not know and trust ourself!
Mel xo
Hi Mel,
Thanks for the article. I suspect that my sister is involved with a narcissist. Three years ago, his “off” behavior made me suspicious, but as my sister seemed so happy, I minded my own business. At the time he came into her life I was 3 years free from my own x-narcissist although I had not yet discovered what narcissistic abuse was. I believe that I was already in the correct mind set to repel narcissists from my life. But to get back to my sister, the off-behaviour is escalating and I am worried for her. How can I help her without interfering or alienating her? She doesn’t seem to want to discuss her relationship with me (perhaps she fears what I will say)she tells my Mother, so I’m not really supposed to know anything is wrong, even though I do. I know ultimately there is nothing I CAN do, but I thought perhaps a hint or push in the right direction may help her figure things out on her own.
Jacqueline,
I am that sister you describe. I was hiding my relationship from my sister (and most of my family, except my Mom) due to complete embarassment. There is nothing you can do to help her get out of the relationship. Its almost like a drug addict, the addict needs to be ready to terminate the relationship when she is ready. You see, she is just so embarassed of the loss of control she has had of herself and her loss self respect. As soon as this relationship is over, you and your sister will finally be back to the “friends” you once were. She will need you again to help her pick herself up and move on as she did before the NARC came into her life. Give her time, she will be back.
Hi Jacqueline,
you are very welcome!
The point blank truth is you CAN’T! Not in the normal ‘human way’ anyway…
Try this Jacqueline, and maybe you need to do this to truly believe it could work.
(You need to trust me on this – or at least just be open enough to give it a go)
Get a journal out on and start writing about seeing and feeling your sister getting well, getting empowered and becoming her truth.
Feel it as if it is real – and every time you think about her rather than seeing her ‘as hopeless and stuck’ see, and feel her as ‘getting it and getting well’…
You may be amazed at what happens if you truly do this…
Please know she is on a perfect journey for her, and her soul (like all of us) is attracting EXACTLY (as per this relationship) in accordance with what she needs to heal.
There are NO mistakes..
Know this too – it will give you comfort.
Take responsibility for your own vibration, your own healing and see her evolving and growing…
This will grant you the best possible results for yourself and for her.
Mel xo
Thanks Wendy and Melanie. It’s good to know I can do something, even if it’s not directly getting involved.
I was in a 20+ yr. marriage with my narc, i have now moved out, been little over week, he is being totally cool about it, i don’t quite believe it, he is 70 yrs. old and has been this way through his whole life, could he possibly change that quick now that i have moved out, most people tell me “No”?
Hi Nancy, Sadly No. Unless he is willing to do everything possible to want to change, he won’t. He is at an age too I believe that is even more resistant to change, as I know from personal experience with someone who just doesn’t have the resources. There is one thing Melanie has explained well in her articles and that is, we can’t and have no right to try to change another person. Also co-dependency in that we feel we need to change to outside of us, in order to have a better life. It starts from the inside and we can only change our inner self to be authentic, for our outer experiences to be exactly what we want. I am sure Melanie will guide you in the right direction, but I hope what I have said helps. Try to focus on changing yourself, not focus on whether he is going to change or not. x
That is where i am, focusing on myself and not trying to change or figure him out and I am so enjoying my healing time – thanks!
Hi Nancy, I totally understand about how much we want them to change, for them to ‘get it’ to love themselves and us enough to value us to live a happy and harmonious life. My ‘great love’ had a side that I could see was ‘real’ at times,(could have been narcissistic injury, so not sure how genuine he was) but after doing no contact for 3 months now, and after endless attempts to get him to see what his contribution to our relationship issues were, he just didn’t get it. I was trying to ‘fix’ him and they is never going to work, it has to come from them.
I believe if someone truly loves you, without conditions, loving you for you, no other reason, then they would step up and want to do everything to heal and honour us in every way. I held onto hope my ex would as he would say often, how much he loved me, ‘with tears in his eyes’ do a lot for me, build me furniture, fix my car, bring me flowers, cook dinner, maintain a clean house and visited me every night when in hospital after major surgery. He would say how I am the most important ‘thing’ in the world to him. When I learnt what was really going on, there were agendas attached to a lot of the things he did, as he would often get angry and sulky if I wasn’t all over him, or giving him attention, every second of the day. He was hooking, manipulating and would change into Mr Hyde if I didn’t respond the right way after he handed me a gift. It was all an illusion and his ‘acts of sincerity and love’ were for his purpose to ‘make me’ feel more in love and attached to him. It was always all about him. Mine tried every tactic to lead me to believe that he was sorry and would change. Nothing has changed and I know now, he is not going to step up and take responsibility for any of his actions. His emails of apologies are not genuine, just words that have no action behind them. I hope it all goes well for you Nancy and keep rewarding yourself for every step you take to recovery. (((hug))) x
Hi Nancy,
thank you for your post.
In order to get out of the pain and the obsession of ‘can he change’ truly grant yourself this healing opportunity to me it all about your healing, rather than ‘him’.
Then he will either meet you authentically at your level of truth or he won’t…and if he does – it will be real and you will know it.
This is about you becoming your truth – and then the match for ‘that’ can be in your life as a healthy partner.
Mel xo
Thanks for your reply, getting out has been so uplifting for me, working on me and me only, and I do believe that I will know if he finds the truth or not, I am taking it slowly and cautiously, I will know…
I thank you for this blog-this one especially. I recently understood how I was not being authentic with myself and others. I had no selfvalue, selflove or selfworth (or at least not the amount I thought I did). Sometimes looking inward is the best thing you can do to exact change and begin to trust, love and know yourself.
Hi Tanya,
thank you for your post.
It is wonderful you have looked inwards.
YES! and not ‘sometimes’ Always! – because our truth and how we are operating consciously or subconsciously is always coming from our ‘inside’.
And to authentically change and become our truth there is no other place to work on.
Bless
Mel xo
I did not just stumble upon your website; I actually sensed the word *Narcissist* ~ I had just gotten out of another abusive relationship when I met this guy, who pursued me for seven months before I finally went to go see him. Was he *dreamy*? Yes, he was totally absorbed in everything about me, my childhood, my likes, me desires, my dreams, and with his charm and humor my life appeared to be on an upswing. He took me to concerts, little town getaways (which I had always wanted to visit)- That desire to feel life again after so many years of being neglected by my husband (who gave me everything except for the intimacy that was missing – and no, he was not the abuser I was seeing before the NARC). For the first time I really felt like I was alive – childhood secrets that took me 20yrs to reveal to my husband the NARC had in his sweet little hands in a matter of months. His *pet* name for me was *baby* – he’d jump on yahoo every morning to chat all the happy horse-shit that drew me in. When I wasn’t there, he would write how he missed me and that he looked forward to hearing from me~ little by little that faded, I’d wait and he now too busy- I accepted that this was *his time*. This was at the beginning. We’d go to concerts and there was always something that would turn a happy time into something bad- accusing me of flirting with George Thorogood was the first of many disasters. He blamed not having dinner and drinking too much- I accepted his excuse ((this was the first huge red flag)). The cycle was not beginning to take shape: Tension/Explosion/The Ginger Bread Syndrome:i.e. running away to cope with himself/Gifts or huge promises of something he knew would make me happy. Then came the abandonment – at a drop of a hat (my displeasure in his behavior – something a NARC can’t deal with) he’d tell me he was DONE. My world would again be upside down with me in a puddle of emotions of either “What did I do?” or “What is going on with him?” It was always about him. After two and a half years – I instinctively turned the tables. I became evasive – not telling him everything I was doing. Buying different alcohol and leaving it in my refrigerator- not responding right away to his text messages etc. The last episode was an event for 4th of July we were supposed to do- shopping for preparations and he had that *look* of disproval in his eyes. We got to my apartment and I noticed my neighbor’s car was in the parking lot (he was supposed to be on a month long journey)- the moment I saw the car I looked at my boyfriend and he SNAPPED – “Get the fuck out of my car! I am DONE.” I got out of the car and walked away, at that time I was not in tears, but shell-shocked. They say if you listen to a man long enough he will tell on himself (which he did). Many days of grieving that came from my soul- the soul of the injured child that my NARC drew out of me. I found little reason to go on living – Nightmares, and haunted by so many things that had happened over the course of the relationship. This was a monster – times he begged for forgiveness telling me that he does *this* to his friends too. I continued to read Mel’s postings and purchased the book *The Tools*, which helped me tremendously. I send him a message along with the ebook. Stating only- “I hope you never hurt anyone like you hurt me.” Never signing it – and it was from a new email address that he did not recognize. He wrote me an said he was eternally sorry- in three different messages- showing me that he was very anxious about communicating. I asked him for a closure meeting and he agreed. What he did not know was the meeting was to confront him about things he could not deny. That evening I let him know that my hurt was from the soul – that there were many things that did not make sense~ The lies over the two and half years were far too plain to see. I asked him about his “Tuesday Nights” and he attempted to deny, when I confronted him about a photo he sent me about his whereabouts – he said he had only rode his mountain bike there one time. I told him that he had sent me the same photo a year ago. His alcoholic addled brain could not respond. I further laid out my cards one-by-one. His eyes welded with tears and he told me “I didn’t want to break-up with you” and “I love you” – those words fell to the floor – I did not respond. After that he had to “run” away. Since then, I still have nightmares and think about all the lies. It’s as if I am being pulled out of a sticky web to find myself again. I thanked him for coming, he, still believing that he felt we were getting back together was not what I wanted. I look back and see that the relationship was a *mirage* just like Mel has posted. I tell myself that I am proud of sticking up for my truth. The hardest part is being alone and not wanting anyone to touch me who has interest in me. . . This is probably my longest fight, the one that I am facing now. I know that with him there is heartache and pain and that the NARC does not have the capacity to truly know love. Because if he did he would have known that I did love him. Loving myself is the journey I need to take now~ I hope God is watching over me because I need his guidance. ~ Thanks Mel for being the one to open the eyes of the blind 🙂
To Amy:
“I am DONE!” Exactly the words my ex used when he was displeased with me, which was most of the time, for everything from serving the wrong dinner to not turning the thermostat down.
I am DONE! -It’s the perfect statement from narc to self-loather making HIM appear to be the saint putting up with the terrible selfish partner
Hi Amy,
thank you for your post and sharing.
I am so glad my material is helping.
It is wonderful and powerful that you got out.
However Amy I always know when people still have the peptide addiction raging and are still in intense pain – they share lots of details about ‘what happened’…(I know this intimately as well as per clients, NARP participants, posters, facebook posts etc etc), and I know that even conceptually you have ‘got it’ – there still has not been the ‘shift’ to confront, face and heal the unhealed wounds…
Amy, truly – this is where you need to go and what you need to do – and you will receive the ‘gift’ and what this was all about for you…
To truly heal and come home to yourself.
This needs to now become about YOU not about the narc.
Mel xo
Hi melani,
indeed you are a blessing.i guess each of our pain is to create a better future.everything you discussed is helpful.and to tell you i found these same conclusion in faith.what you just discussed i sensed and figured out its a way forward after such painful experience with a narcist.thanks and may you continue to be a blessing to your generations.
Hi Fav,
you are so welcome, and I am glad you can feel and see the ‘gift’.
Thank you for your post 🙂
Mel xo
I was one of the lucky ones. I am one of the lucky ones. He was abusive and was sloppy about it…I kept evidence. x-rays, medical records, e-mails…
I put everything a binder, neatly categorized, so when he tried to fight me for custody of our small sons, I pulled it out. I fear him, I do, but was matter of fact about everything. Like the true coward he is, he backed down.I became so apathetic to him, that he almost ceased to exsist to me.
I am also SO lucky that he has a new victim who was insisting he be divorced soon. It took only five months to divorce completely.
Poor Girl, she has no idea…YET
I agree, Mel’s e-mail’s hold a bit of the divine in their timeliness. The one about thaking the NARC to court last spring saved my sanity, saved me 🙂
My biggest regret is finding out he was emotionally abusive to my son, his step-son for the eight years we were married. I did not see it, he would not let me see it. my son has now told me the truth.
KEEP the NARC away from your children!
We love you Mel and thank you so much
Julielynn,
Yes, the effects of these relationships are devastating to any children involved. My daughter not only dealt with my ex, but her father’s partner (now ex) treated her miserably for years before we found out. She was afraid to say anything!
I asked my daughter many times if my ex had been abusive to her when I was not home. She said it was nothing she couldn’t handle, but she’s elated we’re out of there! He tried to cause trouble in our relationship, but he was unsuccessful, thank God.
Hi Julielynn,
thank you for your post.
You are very welcome.
Keeping walking your truth and moving forward.
Don’t fear him, when you shift out of that, you realise that narcs don’t have any power – they can only operate in our experience by feeding from our pain, fear or enraged and dismayed feelings of injustice.
Keep taking that away and you will find he has nothing to come at you with.
Mel xo
Hi Sharon, you go girl!! I am so happy for you. I often get stuck on how evil one person can be to another, solutions seem surreal until I really really get that evilness. But, in doing so I do spend too much time reliving that fear and pain. Dosing my system with the peptides no doubt…
Hi Mel and Indogirl,
Thank you for your strength and pointing out I’m on the wrong path. I need to think ONLY about healing me.
Yes, Melanie, I do read every word! Several times. Then I feel strong, then I roll backwards into old thought patterns. So I come here. Good choice, right?
Thank you is so inadequate!!! Much love to everyone here, Godspeed. Back to nurturing my true self…
Hi BH,
thanks for your lovely post and thanking us!
The point is I DON’T want you to have to keep coming back here.
My work is not about ongoing support – it is about promoting YOUR empowerment so that you DON’T need me!
I want you to be ‘that’ authentically to yourself…because that is the only TRUE place where you can have your power…
When you really do the inner work and become your True Self you will be saying ‘goodbye’ to needing to read these articles because you will be busy creating your real life that has NOTHING to do with narc abuse!
And you WON’T roll backwards…
And THATS what I love seeing!
I hope you get this lol!
Mel xo
Nancy, keep that restraining order in place!
You’ll have much advice coming soon here, just know I am praying for you to STAY STRONG and do only what is good for you. Take time, don’t rush into anything.
Hi Melanie,
Great article; thank you for your wonderful writing and sharing! So helpful and healing to so many…
I very clearly experienced the feeling (thoughts) that, as you described, something “not being right” or feeling “off” about my ex as a result of her behaviors or comments. I don’t know why I didn’t just trust my intuition at the time…I would justify to myself why she did what she did or said what she said (which in hindsight were incredibly hurtful, mean-spirited, and abusive)…not understanding fully what I was involved in at the time.
I was a happy individual – in a good space in my life – prior to this, and now (1.5 years after breaking it off) I am still trying to heal and feel good about myself and life again.
Not sure what the “unhealed” parts of myself might be…maybe I felt that I could not be lovable unless I provided for and was a caretaker for others…
Well, many thanks again for your beautiful work!
Cheers
Hi Tony,
thanks for your post.
It is really normal after getting ‘out’ and ‘away’ to still have the haunting pain – most people do.
And yes, this haunting pain is being manufactured (still) by our unhealed parts that we haven’t accessed and healed yet (If you watched the videos you will have seen the explanation of this).
Tony it is really normal also to get stuck in our heads’ saying ‘How do I find these parts?’ ‘What are these parts?’ and ‘How do I fix them?”, and then of course we have to function in life and get on with life – and may not ever work out how to get to them and do the work.
That is why I created NARP (amongst many other reasons) because you don’t have to think, you don’t have to work it out and you don’t have to battle with it.
All you have to do is engage and follow the instructions and the process does it all for you…
I truly hope you want to get out of the haunting pain enough to choose NARP’s path.
Truly I know it sounds like I bang on about this – and it can be frustrating realising how it is so hard to explain something that is deep, intangible and very vibrational (which NARP is).
It completely takes you for the battle of the head into the journey within and the healing at this place…
And it is frustrating because I see so many people battle the ‘hard way’ then quickly or finally take the NARP journey and get the massive shift it creates, and I know the battle of the long, old, hard way does not need to happen!
And it is difficult, because until people take the journey, they really can’t ‘get it’
It’s like you have to ‘do it’ to ‘get it’..!
Mel xo
Mel you are doing work of divine importance…you repeat and repeat and repeat the same…. THE NARCISSIST IS A GIFT….all of this is my creation to heal….thank all of you… especially those of you who’ve taken responsibility…told of your own illness and complete lack of self esteem. Melanie…you speak only the truth….you write exactly what I need to hear…I KNOW TRUTH WHEN I HEAR IT….but I feel BOUND AND GAGGED….yes all the childhood stuff comes out….I feel as though I am in a bad dream and wont wake up…. I am like you an overfunctioning intelligent woman…king kong on crack capable of doing anything for anyone BUT NOT FOR ME…. I NEED THIS HEALING… YES THERE IS TWENTY DOLLARS A MONTH IN THE UNIVERSE FOR ME….aftershocked, shaking and gratefully no longer suicidal I made one heck of a mock up…. 49 …sure as ship I will be 69 if I don-t find the spiritual strength to heal my inner belief system… it is as though someone or something steps on me…. thank you all for your examples of courage. Thank you Mel for the path you have paved and so lovinginly and intelligently leave flares for me to follow… PLEASE ANYONE WHO HAS ANY INFORMATION ON HOW TO BREAK OUT OF THIS AND DO THE WORK I WILL APPRECIATE IT.
Hi Donna,
Yes I do repeat the message over and over again, because I am so passionate about liberating people from what I went through – and because I know narc abuse is literally and at soul level a killer.
I also had a cousin who committed suicide as a result of narc abuse and who left behind three devastated beautiful little children
This is my heart’s mission.
And I know the ‘gift’ and incredible life changes and freedom and empowerment that awaits every one of us on the other side if we do the inner work.
Mel xo
I truly believe in Melanie, with appreciation on her telling her story ‘very difficult to do’ her selfless work to want to help all of us, no matter who we are and where we come from,. Melanie’s work in creating this powerful programme, which has started to give me a new life. The abuse I have endured since being a baby should have destroyed me and my mother, but for me personally, the articles, but more importantly the NARP programme has made me look deep within and take responsibility for all of my incredible pain, illness, torture, abuse and so on to finally free my soul. I have some deep issues which the programme has started to unleash, sometimes overwhelming me but once shifted, it is indescribable how true to me I feel. It is hard to explain as Mel has said above, how it works, but it just does. I feel we should all give Mel a breather as she can’t make it any clearer. Honour ourselves firstly by at least trying and that is all Mel wants for us, is to be free spirits, living a great life free of pain. Any less than experience for ourselves is allowing Narcs or whomever they may be to always hold onto a part of us. They don’t deserve any of us or any part of us. Melanie is ‘authentic and real’ so to me completely different to someone who just wants to push a product. I understand passion as I create my artworks offering full money back guarantee, so there is no material gain for me either. When we do the inner work and thrive, creating a new life is priceless. The feeling of empowerment, life and light is so much better than darkness and no life left. Love to everyone, and thank you Melanie with my whole heart ❤
…oh and that is just my opinion… ☺ x
Hi Dawn! I hope you are having fun with your new found self and with every ‘shift’ you are lifting higher and higher toward the life that your truly deserve. I feel lighter, happier, free and learning more about myself every day. The answeres just keep coming 🙂 Melanie will always be there to guide us, but we only really have ourselves to rely on and if we remain true to ourselves, we will survive and thrive. Happy days 🙂 x
you are way ahead of me dear Jac, but its okay… i have one more massive bill to shift… then my shifting is doing. funny i would normally run, fast, not this time… shift is much better.
its great to have this community to share. especially pearls of wisdom x
i tell you though, my gorgeous children can feel the vibration that Mel speaks of. a few months ago, our home was a house, silent and cold, or loud and abusive. now we are laughing, conversing, happy and content. planning and just being in the now. the tense has shifted away. Mel’s video’s and articles and radio shows have given that, and like you said gorgeous Jac, because i want it and its me that is doing that. its so great to hear you shine like you are, and i know the journey is not easy, but Mel makes it so much easier and real.
see ya
Dawn, lovely lady 🙂 I can assure you I have a loooonnng way to go! There are days I feel like I am not going to get through the day, it is a very dark feeling and I really do have to work at it to get there. Now I do a QF as soon as I feel like I have tripped and falling into a hole. I have only progressed to the second QFH in the programme, but the first one shifted a lot. I can feel my confidence grow and my self-esteem returning. There has been a lot of stuff that has happened to me, my nervous system and I am recovering but lots of work to do. Gosh, if I feel this much better after only completed Module 1 QFH, then I will be flying high after the last one! Magic carpets, watch out as mine is going to take up a lot of room to fit the whole of Tassie. I hope your children are thriving more now and it sounds like you are sending out some wonderful vibrations, they are picking up on. That is wonderful! By the way here is my link http://www.jacquicleijne.com.au I was fearful of ‘him’ finding me here, but I doubt he will ever enter this website, it would be beyond him to go that far to even consider self help or any interest in anything other than his own obsessions. If he did, then I have nothing to hide and he could learn something possibly. Love to you. x
To Donna above, I responded to your post above. 🙂
To Mel, I hope my comments in response to peoples posts are accurate and if not, please let me know. I certainly am not an expert and have a lot to learn, but things are changing in me where I feel more confident to express myself, where before I found you, I couldn’t. I want everyone too, to feel freedom which only comes when we start healing ourselves.(((hug))) x
Hi Jac,
yes darling you are doing great – and you are coming from the heart, and this is where truth always is…and you are passionate about helping others, as many of us are.
Bless 🙂
Mel xo
My “over functioning empathetic self” still in play! hahah! 😀 The support is wonderful and comforting and at the same time, healing is taking place. In saying that, there is something for me (I need to remind myself) and others to be mindful of though and that is, People’s stories help, but it also keeps us reading and keeping in play what happened to us. We can read, and read and feel for people, offer words of support, but can also keep ourselves re-living the experiences over again. That is why I understand more now what you say about, taking action to heal with the programme especially, as it will stop us from needing this site, as Narc abuse will not be a part of our reality ever again. (((hug))) x
HI dawn, yes I am working hard at healing, so being very truthful with my feelings and my expressions are from my soul. The programme seems to have triggered the things inside me that have been hiding and as Melanie said once, something happened after doing the shifts, where she wanted to go outside and talk to people! Her agoraphobia had dissolved. That is how I am starting to feel, free to speak. Some of my abuse involved being silenced and I was finding myself whispering to myself and not being able to express myself for fear of what other people would think. Also people I know still try to talk over me and I find myself raising my voice to get my words across. I believe the fear was enabling them to do that more and the fact they are not ‘good listeners’ Now I speak up and that, in an assertive way and honour myself to be able to speak without being silenced. It has become a lesser issue now. When we are abused as you would know, we are not able to be ourselves due too protecting our feelings and our souls from damage. So we are not being authentic. Still a way to go but the programme is bringing me home.
I do look around and wonder, just as a passing thought how some people choose to live their life the way they do, and abuse themselves, without a care in the world about it. That is their stuff though and I don’t take in on board and over think it now like I used to.
Your statement Dawn;…i really want to be me again. the free one, to share, care, and enjoy life… its just horrible that love can knock that around hey, and show me that i have unhealed parts to get real about…
If you really want to be you again, be it, work with that during a shift, write it all down, what you want and it will start to happen. Did you get my link? xo
Oh, and thank you for your kind words 🙂 People have said my paintings make them cry, especially the animal art, but not my words. I am humbled and I see you as a very special genuine person. Keep finding more of you :)x
Hi Jac
THANK you – for giving me tonight’s homework on me, your lead to articulate a beginning for me for a shift is fantastic, and again, tears x. your thinking and listening and feedback, plus support is very bright.
Hold tight to your beautiful shining soul and never let it be silenced again! i know this so well… accused of being confrontational, ha, i just wanted to discuss stuff that was hurting me. and then the, being silenced, swallowed up, drained out, then persecuted by weeks and months of silence…
in my younger years, i learnt how to survive, and shut down, like actually leave my body, and all the time, every single one of them i knew it was wrong. when i spoke up, the hurting was incredible and painful. so even though i know it was wrong to bend and shape to the other – i just wanted lots of hugs Jac, simple really, but genuine ones.
yes i have been surfing your link, your art is profound. and i think its high island time your words and the story was told along with it? and now, with your healing and showing the real you, maybe the words will be more direct anyway? not that i saw any before, just a feeling.
i sometimes look back at my own writing on Mel’s blogs in other articles to see if i can notice a shift in me.
the wonderful thing Jac, even though there are so many lonely times, the strength and vibration at being real is so much easier feels healthier, as Mel said, everything else will just fall into place.
I would call that a Miracle.
and i didn’t know i didn’t have to live with this head space forever. i knew it was wrong, but i just didn’t know how to toss out the junk and find a key, and make a shift.
The NARP programme is extraordinary. I cannot believe how quickly and easily I got through the pain and confusion of breaking up with my narc. I maintained no contact for 6 weeks, but now I have to resume contact because I have to move my things out of our house and start legal proceedings. Of course stuff has been coming up with having to see him again , but a session with one of the healings on the programme and I am back on track again.
I remember one day last week when a person I thought was a friend suddenly turned against me because of things he has been saying about me. I was very upset and so sat down and did a healing session from the programme. I felt incredible afterwards, so peaceful and cleansed. It simply didn´t matter any more to me what this person thought or did.
I feel as if I have woken from a trance! I just get stronger every day and every day I see the world afresh and vibrant, and I feel peaceful and alive. I am beginning to attract positive things into my life, nice people say nice things to me… the shift is so noticeable.
I see my narc strutting about trying to look important and I am laughing inside. He just seems so ridiculous and false to me now whereas once , not so long ago, he had such power over me.
I trust Melanie totally, I follow her instructions diligently and it all happens just as she says it does. I feel so free and renewed. People keep telling me that I look 20 years younger… I am 58, I spent the last 12 years in an abusive relationship and looked old and ill. Now I feel liberated ..thanks to you Mel, and it feels so good.
Reading these posts has given me tremendous peace of mind..and convinced me that I am not going crazy. My ordeal started eighteen years ago, same scenerio as many of you..he was charming, handsome, and we had the promise of a beautiful, successful and fulfilling future..or so I thought. There were a million red flags that I “chose” to ignore. Isolation from family and friends, humiliation in front of family and friends, evenings too numerous to mention, of nights where he would leave me at bars, restaurants, family gatherings, etc..with no regard to my safety of getting home..simply went home and shut the door and went to sleep. Fast forward, sixteen years , beautiful home,two great kids later, I finally mustered up the courage to move put last feb. My sister, who lives five hours away, had had her annual family christmas party here @ her beach house..he got drunk, insisted on taking our kids with him..and to make a long story short, waa abusive to my mother, and then, physically, to me, and the next morning I awoke to bruises, and more excuses..! He is in therapy, has been for the last year, and insists he has changed, is changing..etc. Funny, I only see more self absorbed behavior, and the “bounderies” he has set for me..ha!!! What a laugh. I have a great support network of my close family and friends, but find myself still struggling with trying to prove to him that I am right and justified, and that he is sick and needs to finally take responsibility for his path of destruction that he has left in his wake. I need to let go of “needing to be justified and right” in what I already know to be truth. He can never love me, he never did, and he never will.
Your site is so valuable to me. I want and need healing. When I read your story it could be me writing. It helps me to know I am not the only one because a relationship with a narcissist is so isolating. Your description describes him perfectly.
Could you please direct me on where to read about dealing with this person as a co-parent? He will always have a channel of attack because we have two kids under the age of 18. I feel like it’s two steps forward, one step back in feeling better.
Hi there. I wasn’t sure if you were relating to my particular post or not.(Alias, scotish girl.) My kids are nine and eleven..boy , nine, girl, eleven. Its heart wrenching when u have kids, u already know that..so I don’t have to tell you that. Whewn I finally left the house, my kids were more than aware of what was going on, even though they weren’t showing it outwardly, I know in my heart they were cowarding in their rooms, hearing every sordid detail of our constant battles. Although it was an as adjustment for them both, they actually have “adjusted” well, under the ugly curcumstances. I’m sure that they both will have some emotional reprocussions from this whole mess..but I try everyday to make them safe, happy. And secure. He doesn’t pick on them, primarily, its me he wants his beef with, and I continue to go to battle for them, as well as myself, on a daily, nightly basis. His goal, at the moment, is to continue to try to “suck” me back in..wants me to come back home, wants his wife back, etc, etc. I have continued to walk through that door..time and time again, only to realise that things have gotten worse, not better. I don’t know the deatails of your situation, however, if u r still crying yourself to sleep, trying to prove your self worth to him, feeling like you r not enough, and never will be enough,,, its time to make a change. Life is short..you deserve better, your kids deserve better..grab on to the inner you that read these blogs..I’m going to invest in her program..maybe u should, too. Hang in there, girl.
Hi all, have been following you all for about a month now, I actually was here last year around the same time but after being abandonded during treatment for breast cancer I ended up taking him back six months later and well stopped coming here cause as you all know it will be different this time, and we were going to councelling etc etc etc. Anyhow just wanted to introduce myself and let you all know that the NARP program is truly working for me, I have been doing it for about 2 weeks now and even when I have a session that I dont think I was able to fully engage in something inside me still shifts and I am lighter and much more clear headed. I have hope now that my narc will have no meaning to me one way or another soon and what a glorious day that will be when all that matters is my truth. Any of you who are on the fence about trying the program I really encourage you to do so. Take the chance on you, we are all worth it and like Melanie has said if it doesnt help you you can get your money back. The feeling of relief that comes with everything healing I can not put a price tag on. My children deserve their mother back and I deserve to enjoy being me.
Blessing to you all
Kymn
CAn I offer one opinion given to me by our super expensive Harvard shrink when I called him in desperation – “How much of your life are you willing to give up waiting for him to change?”
PS
He did abandon me and the kids again 6 months later…
Co dependant no more…worth reading!
Also..a lot of books out there by “Lundy Bancroft”…they helped me enormously before I delved into mel. Happy reading!!!
Thanks for mentioning Lundy Bancroft, have just had a look at his blogs,very informative and healing!I’m scottish too and left a 20year narcissistic relationship in February, now looking after my two girls myself and have just started my psychology degree but still feel I need to heal properly. I wish you all the best in your future life with your kids and hope you find healing too!
Thanks Melanie for all the help it’s amazing how we abused fit so perfectly into the profile that is as you’ve said someone who wasn’t loving themselves that was me a person desperate for love and ignoring the signs I’ve just spent 14years with someone who I firmly believe is a covert narc she has performed all of there dirty tricks ,left me looking from the outside like I’m the bad one ,she seems capable of anything to gain attention and power,using the children is her favorite way to hurt me it scares me knowing what she is capable of with her by proxy methods to gain attention .while Im starting to get past the anger and into the stage of trying to get on with my life ,it’s hard because she is now turning the oldest of my two boys against me along with her father (who is also a narc that constantly caused problems in our marriage )not that she ever stopped him.the frustrating thing is finding myself talking like the victim and trying to justify myself all the time ,I know I am a good person I just wish I could find him ,it’s so hard to see the future me in a loving relationship I gave so much of myself to her ,it seems scary to even meet someone else while I’m so tangled up in there plan to destroy me .Is needing people’s support holding me back
Have you ever felt like you were covered So deeply In scartissue? that you were Buried so deep in it you’d never be able to Again make space for anyone to get through? Never be able to Again make space for anyone to ever have another chance? To rip a hole so large in your heart That you don’t even know what you’ll do? Where to go? to get The thread thick enough to close you back up? Even a hole as thick as one pin Is enough to sear it, after I just closed it all up?
Bringing in the scorching heat.. Its enough to make you scream. Its enough to make you wonder..God, where am I going to find Thread thick enough To close up this gaping hole in my heart? God, it hurts too much, it really does. It hurts too much to think That my fear of losing my scartissue Is scary enough To keep me right here.
Hi Warrior, Scar tissue heals at 1% per day, QFH heals scar tissue at 99% per day 🙂 I understand those feeling well, where it seems impossible for me to even think of letting someone into my space and trusting them enough to share a life with, but I know that is because I haven’t yet healed. Once we do that, as from Melanies truth, is we will want to share and love again, but this time it will be with the right person, as after healing that is what we attract. Once you do the healing, then things start to change in ways that are indescribable. May your scar tissue heal and at least try, before you settle for anything less than you deserve. 🙂
I just finished listening to COMMITTING TO YOURSELF….. no luck with facebook…tried to join the site… after the show I COULD not STOP CRYING KNOWING THAT HEALING IS WHAT I NEED TO DO… CANNOT FIND THE INVITATION TO PAY FOR THE PROGRAM… AM VERY AFRAID ABOUT DOWNLOADING AND ALL THE COMPLICATED COMPUTER STUFF… so much to heal Mel… crib, 2, 3, incest too many things… NO NOT ABOUT NARCISSIST…. just about me…. so very afraid… the tears wont stop… i AM ALL ALONE… dont have friends… am agoraphobic…. so afraid… the podcast brought back the peptides… I remember reading about them but my mind befuddled during these last two weeks after N.. so many peptides screaming you idiot…amazing …a federal convict….warrants from the federal government…beyond garbage threw you away like garbage… what does that make me? Lower than the lowest…..so yes… I need to fix myself….there is nothing less than garbage thrown away by garbage…. I must heal myself it is of course all my fault…. please can you post the link….
Hi Donna,
Please breathe, and be gentle to you. It is great you know you need to heal – and start embracing the ‘little Donna’ inside you and tell her you love her and you are going to do the best for her…
…she will start to feel this comfort if you do this….
The NARP info is in the box at the right hand side of this Page ‘THE PROGRAM’…when you order if you have any difficulty with download, please email me and I will step you through it…
Just breathe…
And no it is ‘not your fault’ sweetie – you just have stuff to heal…like we all did…(or do)…
Mel xo
Mel,
I have been dealing with trying to get free from my partner who I’m certain is a narcissist/sociopath. I have been with him for two years now and my life has been like a merry-go-round. When we met I was a teacher, had lived a respectful life, one of my main values were integrity. For the past few months I have been readind your information, it has helped but I am still struggling. I have left him 4 times now, moved interstate, in leaving him I lost my home, my job and my relationship. I’ve lived with different family and friends off and on. As much as they tried to protect me from him I went back everytime. I am now living with family again…I have lost my self respect, I truly have lost my dignity. I feel like crawling into a box, where no-one can witness where I’m at now. I worry about how others see me and find it difficult to know what I want. How do I find the strength and confidence to move on with my life
Hi Lousie,
than you for your post.
Louise the only answer is ‘we have to do the inner work in order to heal’.
Louise my answer is simple, and of course applying to this process takes your commitment to yourself.
I suggest NARP.
https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narc-abuse-recovery.htm
Mel xo
What a great post and podcast! I had such a hard time to get real, catch myself sometimes diving back into unreality – but it is only brief. After so much torment and pain I see the light, the healings work fantastically. And the shows and blog-posts complement the experience, providing knowledge and enlightenment. All I can say is: I am so grateful for this healing journey. Life is colourful out there.
I see little signs of my healing from living with a narcissit father for 20 yrs and then a narcisstic husband for 42 yrs. I still must have busiess meetings with the Narc X and while I have directly told him he can no longer have his cale and eat it too ( his favorite saying), he will still whine to friends and grown children about why I refuse to be friends with him.
I have traveled alone, gone to weddings alone, and conducted business meetings where I have kept my power while he persists in trying to manipulate me. ( This time he is trying to renege, and revenge upon his grown children and biz partners He cannot do it without my consent and it frustrates him. Oh well!
The ideas I have gotten from you Melanie were so difficult at first and sometimes I want to go back to something more comfortable…but I don’t. My nest challenge is to start dating after 44 yrs without dating. I remind myself I am a strong woman and deserve a wonderful man.
Keep the ideas going. as it seems there are a lot more narcissists in this world and this is a place to stop the insanity.
~~Thank you~~
You have no idea how much all these comments and posts mean to me. May the angels keep all of you! It’s so important to know that I’m not alone!
I have been dating a narc for two years and had no idea what was going on. Thanks to Melanie and to Lundy Bancroft, I am now safer, saner, and working hard on my unhealed self.
Fortunately, I never moved in with the narc, but I have experienced a good share of what such a person can dish out and then blame on you. It’s still hard to look at the fact that I mistook such behavior as love.
I had no idea that my wounds and negative beliefs were so deep and compelling, and the work on my self is so hard that I often just want to give up. But, I am making headway, no matter how slow, and I’m not really going to quit on me. I never want to be in this place again – not in any other lifetime and certainly not in this one!
Melanie, you have not only saved my life but you have taught me things I should have learned long ago. I am so grateful to have had this experience. I see it as the beginning of real wisdom.
May we all have abuse-free lives!
How do you separate yourself completely from a N ex when you share custody of a 10 year old child?
He ALWAYS has ammunition.
Hi Penny, Have a look at NO CONTACT or “modified contact” in Melanies e-books and listen to the ‘blog talk radio show’ on No Contact or others that may help you.
It will give you the answers on how to be empowered when sharing custody. If it is not possible to separate yourself from your ex, then these resources will help you to remain in your own power and also what not to say or do. It will be better for your child too, to learn how to communicate more effectively with them, and how to set your boundaries as to what is acceptable or not. Jx
Wow. I am so glad to have found this and can’t stop reading! Went to the library today and ordered books on Narc and Borderline Personality Disorder, as these are what my last guy was diagnosed with. I want to know more as knowledge is power. I also want to know how to heal myself and it sounds like this site has work for me to do.
I was with him only 6 months. I can so relate to having the gut feeling something was terribly wrong but ignoring it and holding onto anything that seemed good and always questioning my own sanity.
Now I realize I am obsessing over him and having a hard time letting go. I have had past relationships with Narcs and cons and abusive men. My longest of 13 years was to a man that was completely emotionally unavailable.
I’m 49 and ready for healing and change.
I have pretty much got no contact as of last night, my narc. got his phone shut off and did some last ditch efforts to try to convince me that I stole his drums, took money, etc. from him. The truth is I took him in, he had no place to go (the victim) had no money and I allowed him into my home (my self was SCREAMING at me not to) taking care of his needs and some wants, rent free. All the while he slept with me, had sex everyday, was accusing me of wanting to be with other men, but didn’t want to “commit” to me and call me his girlfriend.I melded into his world, listening and only playing (we both are musicians) only music he liked. He did nice things, too, like throwing me a surprise birthday, but even that was totally embarrassing as my house was untidy and I just felt something wasn’t right? I was embarrassed to be involved with him as he has no car, no job and yet I let myself love the man. Nobody has ever been so passionate/intimate with me as he was. But out of the bedroom, eggshells and hard to get close to.
He was not a selfish lover at all, never withheld sex, don’t think he was a womanizer, he didn’t flirt with others,never told me I’m overweight or ugly…so he doesn’t match those definitions. But he does in other areas very much. And coupled with the borderline personality disorder, he was/is a mess.
I know I need to heal and am ready to do the work. I also feel bad for people with mental illness and wish there were more support for them to get the help they need to heal as well.
Right now I am struggling with the effects it has had on my children, I have six children, and my relationships with the 3 oldest has been so damaged, and i feel so horrible, my daughter said to me “how could you have choosen a man over your own kids. I swear it was nothing like that…nothing…my kids are all i have ever had..this is killing me.
Kim,
I don’t know the answer, just understand as my kids said the same thing. I felt I wanted to do anything in my power to please this man and that included making myself and my kids walk on eggshells. I melded into his belief system just to try to have peace in the house so got on my daughters for things that didn’t bother me, but bothered him.
He has been gone a month now and I’m readily healing our relationships. The best I can do is heal myself by doing the work Mel has laid out, let my kids talk about what bothered them and spend time with them.
You are not alone.
what is worse, that man walks out of this relationship ten years later…the same way he walked in…none of his relationships with his other children have been affected, or changed, none of his relationships with anyone are even a little bit different. his life has not been damaged at all…I’m just broken.
I’m having a rough day and need to reach out.
I just received news that my ex-NP lost her dog four days ago to cancer. Two months ago, I was still in contact with her when her dog initially became ill and soon thereafter was diagnosed with cancer. I made my decision to walk away from her and the uncertainty that defined our relationship as she was going through this horrific discovery – horrible timing that haunts me to this day. I loved her dog very much, so I’m also grieving his passing.
So, today I find myself feeling guilty for not being supportive even though she has a large circle of friends, even though we were toxic for each other. I also find myself questioning how much of NP she actually was vs. how insecure/obsessed I was in the relationship (which may have been the main cause of our problems.)
This blog above mentions something about seeing something early on that one chooses to ignore. I found an email dated a year ago, just days after our first date where I was confiding in a friend about my obsession with her. Four days in, mind you.
In the month that followed our first date, we kept our distance but finally created a “bond” – she wrote a beautiful song about us and recorded it in a studio as a Christmas present for me. This was just 6 weeks into us starting to date. It was a powerful song and I honestly didn’t know how to handle the gesture.
I also was still a little reluctant to throw myself into the relationship (for many reasons), so I didn’t give it my all during Christmas (which understandably hurt her feelings.) She posted her disappointment about Christmas on FB. While she didn’t mention me specifically, it was clear that I was the source of her disappointment. She was probably justified to feel that way, but I didn’t like reading about on FB.
There was a couple other times when I panicked and canceled dates with her, but we then reconciled. In fact, it was during those times when I was less emotionally available (due to mixed feelings) that she was the most dedicated to making things work. I find myself thinking that these moments when I caused her pain are the reasons she eventually became distant and withheld everything from warmth to sex.
And I know that I wasn’t simply her punching bag. I know that there were times when I was needy or even selfish, but I was also capable of taking responsibility for my actions and I normally could explain what was motivating my bad behavior and made efforts not to repeat mistakes.
But then I think about moments like these: After I broke up her with months ago (before once again attempting to reunite), she sent me an email telling me that the reason a male friend of mine gave her a flower on her birthday was because I didn’t send her flowers. I was bothered at the time that this happened but I could get no explanation about it then.
In the same email, she wrote that a friend of mine told her she was better off without me. She finally admitted that this was said differently – “that we should stay apart because we keep hurting each other.”
The final final straw was when I went a performance where she presented a new song with the chorus “I didn’t mean to lead you on with my smile and my song” with references to the “Scorpion sting” and how she would rise above it. I’m a Scorpio, so it felt rather biographical even as she denied any connection. Two days later, I told her goodbye, explaining why I was leaving (her emotional distance, the song hitting too close to home.) She took no responsibility for any of her actions or emotional distance, instead justifying anything she had done was because I did something first (my emotional distance.)
Back to today – I feel terrible that her dog died. My feelings are hurt that I had to find out about this from a third party (which I know is insane) even though she told me weeks ago about his prognosis and offered me a chance to say goodbye.
This is pure hell for me. I work in radio and have a lot of connections to the music community. She’s a remarkable songwriter who has a lot of the same colleagues, so there’s no way to have her completely out of my life. Every time I see her picture or hear her name, I get dizzy and break out in sweat. That’s actually how I feel, there’s nothing poetic about this. I’m guilt ridden. A day hasn’t passed where I don’t ache for what once was (even if it’s an illusion.) My work is suffering as I find myself having a lot of difficulty letting go. And I’m 15 pounds lighter, which may look good on me (ha!) but this is my body showing long term stress which concerns me.
If anyone has made it this far and cares to respond, I thank you in advance.
After noticing some pattern changes for about a week (daily calls, the sweet-nothing text messages decreasing) I confronted “him” – got the “so stressed” excuse and “i’ll make it up to you” line – another week goes by, nothing “changed” except HIM…yep, i had the “rug pulled out” from underneath me…only to find out a few days later he was having a hard time “accepting” why i lashed out (keep in mind, i lashed out at him once & only once during our time together 2 months ago and apologized, he accepted it, yeah right!!…) & saw it as a “red flag”…my lashing out was a reaction to his action, or a lack of!! <– that sounds better!
since he has gone ghost and is doing what he does so well, aka, the silent treatment….i have discovered so much about him and his past….3 ex wives (and o the tangled web that was, affairs with in-laws, ex wife #3 had an affair and got pregnant which in turn caused him to seek therapy & he had an affair with his therapist!) – his MOUNTAINS of debt and living the champagne life on a kool-aid budget (he "retired" early and was in no position to, thinking he is going to strike it rich by flipping houses…the big house flipper is more like a house flopper)
….the cadillac, the lexus, the harley, the clothes, the expensive watch collection (who on earth needs 17 watches??) – the thousands of dollars worth of power tools..the $8500 hair transplant that didn't take…the tanning bed in his basement….the this, the that….the me, me me, me….the sleeping pills, the xanax, the anti-depressants….the ulcer meds..o, and i need to mention the psoriasis that has him now looking like a walking piece of plaster….hmmmmmm, a little stressed? how about, YOUR LIFE IS NOTHING BUT SELF-IMPOSED CHAOS!!!!
after having that rug pulled out from underneath me, we spoke on the phone a few days later….and i was told "you need to "work on you" and "build up your self-confidence"…….really??????? me???? the simple girl that has no debt? the girl that has job stability and drives a car that is 10 years old with 120k miles on it? the girl that has more friends than he can count on 1 hand? the girl that can go years without a man? (he thinks something is wrong with me because i've been divorced almost 18 years and never re-married yet made the decision to focus on my children who are now well-grounded, college educated young ladies)
all the pieces of the puzzle came together….and yes, i am now in therapy…to re-learn how to get back what he took from me…my self-worth as a woman….that's what someone with NPD does….not only were/are we their supply, they perceive us as a wh*re"…and this sickens me….yeah, i'm on the B-U-D (break-up diet) and loving it!!! 🙂
glad it was only 8 months & not 8 years….good riddance you pathetic parasite!! –
ps…i was privy to an email he sent to someone from his past….he indicated in it, "i have no reason to think i'll ever be happy, have a nice life, my life is over"…
pity party for 1 and i don't want to be invited!!!!! (i got almost the same message from him a few months ago, ick!)
I’m glad mine was 6 months and not 6 years.
It amazes me how this has effected me. I still wake up with thoughts of him and he is in my mind through the day, but it’s getting less frequent and less intense.
Hi Melanie,
Thank you much for the NARP program! – I started it in earnest a few days ago, and already it doesn’t matter so much what was said or done- it was all a farce and deep down I knew it- and I can feel much creativity coming back! – though it’s so hard to lose the image when it seems there’s nothing with which to replace it… self-love doesn’t really make any sense yet…
If you’ve realized that multiple people “close” to you were abusive Narcissists at the same time, do you have any suggestions about doing the program completely with one of them in mind, then restarting again with the next vs. throwing them all in the proverbial container with you for one single (painful) ride? I know it is mostly about one’s own healing, but, there are portions which concern recalling actions of specific outside others too…
Thanks much, and love and hope to all who are struggling! -Eve
Hi Eve,
Thank you for your post. I am so pleased you are working NARP and it is helping to set you free.
Definetely you can use particular modules for any specific person.
Trust your intuition. If it feels more like a ‘generic’ shift of multiple people then you can bundle them
together. Then if after shifting that ‘layer’ a really strong memory / charge comes up about a specific person in your past, then you can switch the focus onto clearing re that specific person.
Your emotional self will guide you!
I hope this helps 🙂
Mel xo
I’m new to this site. I’ve read some of the blogs but I’m curious to hear how to handle a narc when his spouse has given him eight children? Is this something to watch out in them as well?
Whilst I very much agree with the essence of your article, Mel, I must take issue with one part of it. You say:
“What I mean is: You are the co-creator of everything and everyone you experience in your life.
Everything and everyone you experience is reflecting parts of yourself.
…
When you do get real, and live your life accordingly, then your life will reflect real love results.
It is Energetic Law and can only and will only turn out that way.”
It sounds like you are referring to the Law of Attraction which I have realised is quite a narcissistic form of spirituality in suggesting the universe responds to our individual thoughts and feelings. The Jews in the gas chambers did not experience reflections of themselves; neither did the victims of 9/11 or children who are abused. It’s true of course that, as victims of narcissistic abuse, we had poor boundaries and often ignored our intuition but at the same time narcissists use lies, deception and gaslighting to have power over their victims and we did not deserve or attract that.
Although we are to some extent co-creators in our lives, especially in relation to others, sometimes circumstances and outside influences can affect us in ways we cannot control.
Getting real is essential – you’re right. But there is no energetic law that will ensure we do not fall victim to those who are malignant and conceal their real intentions. We have to be vigilant as well as learn to be authentic. Most of all we must not blame ourselves for trusting someone who was not what they seemed. That was not our fault (though there is much we can learn from the lesson as a result.)
Hi AWM,
as we are in a vibrational universe, Law of Attraction is as concrete a Law of Life as is the Law of Gravity.
Many thoughts / feelings are not conscious and are not consciously chosen…
Many people including children have had beliefs, fears and all sorts of conditioning that was certainly not deliberate, and in fact can be generational and genetic.
We not only inherit physicality, science has also proven we inherit our parent’s emotional signatures (dispositions) – which means ‘beliefs’. And it’ very interesting that the exact people we inherit emotional genetics from, are then also the people who we learn our emotional programming from!
This is where a lot of people get very confused they think that receiving abuse means ‘abuse’ is a reflection of me…no it isn’t a reflection of abuse – it is a reflection of ‘fear’, in cases of horrendous acts.
These fears may have been generational or deeply unconscious, or even collective (as in the case of Jews), and the results of very fearful / guarded / defensive / ‘separated from the whole’ parents, who are often focused on ‘what can go wrong’, ‘beware of this and that etc.’
YES there is an energetic Law that states we will not fall prey to abusers, it is our own knowing, connection and the shoring up of wellbeing, trusting ourselves, and knowing our connection to self and life. A life of living without the fear and pain in our cells which are a component in attracting these situations.
When you become aligned with wellbeing you do not attract and / or stay connected to abuse – it is an energetic impossibility in a universe of ‘like attracts like’.
This has nothing to do with fault and blame (the entire human condition has been the conditioning of fear – look at any structured religious institution), it is about evolving into happier, more productive, freer beings, self-assured and connected to the True Source of ourself beings.
Why are there abusers and abused throughout the entire planet? Because everyone has been victims of victims – with fear, unworthiness punishment and conditional love being the primary drivers / attracters and co-creators.
THAT is what narcissism is.
Mel xo
Many thanks for replying, Mel 🙂
I was a big Abraham fan, watching all the DVDs and listening to recordings. I met the principle narcissist in my life in a spiritual circle and along with two other friends we studied LoA enthusiastically. When I was devalued and discarded by the N after another round of lies and stonewalling I was saddened to find my two good ‘friends’ also abandoned me in my deepest hour of pain because my talking about such ‘negativity’ was adversely affecting their vibration.
Later when I tried to mend one of the friendships I was told I had *created* that sense of abandonment myself. I was shocked to hear that. It was quite a wake up call to realise that LoA could be used to avoid personal responsibility for how our behaviour affects others.
I now believe it is fundamentally narcissistic to believe that the universe reconfigures itself constantly in response to our own thoughts and feelings. Of course, positive thinking allied with action will enormously help us in our life’s journey but we must not confuse in spiritual terms the ‘self’ (the individual human consciousness) with the ‘Self’ (the universal consciousness). There’s a good blog on this subject which puts it better than I can here – http://www.stuartdavis.com/blog/secret-spirituality-narcissism-0
It’s quite a stretch to believe that the Jews were a vibrational match to the gas chambers or that children who were abused have beliefs which attract that abuse, isn’t it?
I agree our true power comes in reconnecting with our own spiritual source, by validating and loving our authentic selves and not seeking approval outside of us. But our world is also affected by elements over which we have no power – the natural world and the actions of others. It’s too simplistic to believe we are the only creators in our experience.
Hi AWM,
We will need to agree to disagree in the theory of a random universe as opposed to an energetic design.
I have never been a fan of The Secret, because it is way too simplistic to believe that you can just ‘think positive’ and ‘get stuff’. After studying Abraham you would be well aware that our beliefs and inner subconscious programming needs to be addressed, especially if it is extreme.
Personally I much prefer in vibrational growth and responsibility (empowerment) rather than beliefs of powerless victimization. And yes it was harsh what they said, and at the time you needed validation and support, and the time to work out your own inner programming on ‘what had gone wrong’. This is what we all needed to do to recover from narc relationships. Absolutely I had internal terror of abandonment which played out with numerous bouts of devalue and discard. And that was one of my flawed beliefs that kept me in the game with the narc. Cleaned up, there is no way I would have continued after the first bout.
THAT is growth awareness, and personal evolution – because I’ll be darned if I am ever going to co-create and play that out again!
I have never seen a narcissist be empowered, they act out as a result of powerlessness. Many do describe themselves as spiritual and even empowered, but when their life becomes uncomfortable and their narc behaviour emerges its always someone else’s fault.
Ego is not taking personal responsibility, it is ego – and that is not what law of attraction is about. Ego is ‘I win / you lose’ and I will take, harm and diminish to make myself ‘better’.
Ego / narcissism is not spiritual or vibrational responsibility.
Therefore I strongly disagree that people who live law of attraction purely are narcissists – because Narcissists live as anything but those laws.
Mel xo
Hi Melanie
You set up polar opposites – random universe versus energetic design, empowerment versus powerless victimisation. These are dichotomies which I do not accept.
I am saying we have aspects of power which we must cultivate but there are other aspects which are not in our control and we need to recognise that too. That is not a random universe.
At the level of the Universal Self, yes, things are working out towards growth and realisation of who we really are. But the individual self does not possess that consciousness (yet) nor that degree of power.
We are the Infinite experiencing the finite.
Peace. 🙂
Hi AWM,
I went to those extremes really due to you bringing up holocaust victims as an argument against your narc abuse experience – or so it seemed….
I do believe that everyone without exception can only be involved in an ‘event’ if some part of them is a vibrational match for it.
Hence the incredible and often freaky ways people ‘miss’ events and other incredible ‘coincidental escapes’ and ‘miracles’ that defy all logical explanation.
So where do we ‘draw the Line’. From what you write you didn’t believe you had any part of the ‘abandonment’…yet you state there are things you could grow from? Surely the parts that hurt you the most, would be the most important parts to grow and heal via. Otherwise what is the point of being involved in situations that hurt?
You say people dont possess that consciousness yet. That’s interesting because I am in contact every day with people who focus at releasing their limiting beliefs, shift them at subconscious levels, and the outer (even including abusive narcs) automatically falls into place.
My life works like this too – on more levels than I could explain, including a 46 year disconnection with my parents, healed immediately when I shifted my inner beliefs regarding the relationship with them.
So there you go for ‘us’ as humans not having that level of power…
Have you read the Thriver blogs or listened to the radio shows. Not one of those ladies believes they don’t have incredible personal inner ability to change their inner and outer world beyond description.
Mel xo
Mel, you say:
“From what you write you didn’t believe you had any part of the ‘abandonment’…yet you state there are things you could grow from? Surely the parts that hurt you the most, would be the most important parts to grow and heal via. Otherwise what is the point of being involved in situations that hurt?”
I did not say I had no part in the abandonment but I would insist that I deserved better from my friends who used LoA to justify their lack of empathy, even though that experience has led me to personal growth and understanding.
I am glad you were able to shift your beliefs and heal your relationship with your parents. I too have healed an important relationship in my family with a similar shift. And yes I have listened to your Thriver radio shifts. I have already said that positive thinking and re-connecting with our own inner power are essential to personal growth.
Where I disagree is that everything and everyone in our lives are a result of our attracting them. That is unhelpful magical thinking to victims of, say, the tsunami or, as I mentioned before, the holocaust. It makes me profoundly uncomfortable to hear that.
Abe and LoA can lead to passivity in the social sphere where we are encouraged not to fight against injustice or global poverty for example because we are giving it negative energy. We give away our collective power when we do that.
Do read the blog I linked to (not mine!). We live on so many different levels, not just the that of the individual creator… x
Hi AWM,
Truly this is a good debate, and thank you for replying again.
I totally agree with you that your friends could have been a lot more empathetic.
I think the ‘danger’ here for people in this community – which is of course prolifically about narcissistic abuse – is the beliefs of powerlessness, and that we cannot be effectively empowered against being abused by Narcissists, which sadly is a societal victim belief which I am adamant about disproving.
I have seen that belief destroy so many lives for decades. People who are too terrified to ‘live’ after narcissistic abuse, and / or people who hold those fears who attract narcissistic abuse over and over again – as a result of attracting what they fear.
In no way does empowerment and the belief of being healthy on an inner level – constitute ‘magical thinking’ and being ‘unsafe’. It is a knowing of not being abused again, which firmly means – I know the warning signs, I am no longer co-dependent and living out my inner wounds with the attraction of them through others, and I can honour my emotions and leave rather than endure, because of the inner work I have done and my growth.
None of which could have taken place unless I was willing to take personal responsibility – which is the number one necessity for healing.
Hence why Narcissists never heal, change or grow!
How on earth is that taking responsibility ‘dangerous’. Dangerous thinking is ‘I am healed’ or ‘i am a victim’ or ‘i was not responsible (it was random)’ whilst still carrying fears and beliefs of ‘this was outside my power’. Those beliefs simply create more victimization.
This blog is not to do with tsunamis! It is to do with people who have been narcissistically abused!
I am not focused on a mission of tsunami victims, and if I was I would still be applying the identical inner healing processes to rid the trauma out if their bodies, so that they could live their fullest life possible without fear afterwards!
Otherwise they could potentially stay stuck in a terrible emotional existence indefinitely! And certainly I wouldn’t be espousing my belief that vibrationally somehow there was a match up – it wouldn’t be necessary.
I can assure you with narc abuse victims it is – because it is very easy to stay stuck in blaming a narc, rather than address deeply healing self.
Time and time again it is proven what happens with anti movements. Look at what happens to every narc abuse victim who stays focused on the injustice and the narcissist and pushes back. It gets worse. Whatever their focus is on just increases.
What happens when they turn to a ‘pro’ movement of their own healing? The pain and the emotional charges release, the narcissists punishing behaviour gets thwarted, and the justices start to fall into place – without exception.
Whenever anyone focuses on their OWN responsibility of well being, life provides it – personally. And if everyone did that the collective would supply it.
If any of us want to improve conditions it is only going ‘pro’ that creates it. Fighting ‘against’ never created any reform, peace, global improvement or more food. Look at countries, religion and politics for that evidence – in fact look at the entire world.
I personally know of many spiritual Law of Attraction people who do incredible ‘pro’ work improving conditions for mankind, disadvantaged people, the planet and animals. These people are living glorious missions as callings from their hearts and souls. They are living Who They Are, which is what real Law of A is all about – lining up with the Real You.
Many authentic spiritual people have incredible ‘callings’ that are not focused on the negatives, they are focused in the glory of solutions,
That is pure Law of attraction granting the irrefutable evidence of ‘pro’ as opposed to ‘anti’.
AWM I have a responsibility here to adamantly supply an environment that assists people to thrive and leave behind their pain, and not get stuck in it – and I am very protective of what I know works, as a result of being close up and intimate with thousands of people’s cases over the years.
Hence why this conversation has gone on as long as it has, and why I will not join you In agreeing with these points that I know do not assist this community to get out of their pain.
Honestly I believe, and it’s understandable and I do empathize, with your narcissistic abuse experience – being tied up with Law of Attraction people – significantly your ex narc – is the true cause for beliefs here, and the need to attack L of A as being narcissistic, and quote holocausts, tsunamis, children and an ‘article’ as evidence.
But really given the mission and healing of this community, ask yourself honestly – was it appropriate, or is it your wounds speaking?
Is it worth putting doubt in people’s mind of their ability to personal empower to an absolute level above narc abuse?
Respectfully Mel xo
Well, hello again. Ahem!
I absolutely do believe it is appropriate. Is it empowering of you to suggest it is my wounds speaking? You hardly know me…
It seems as if you constantly want to paint me as advocating powerlessness. Why is that when I have clearly stated the opposite? You stated that we attract everything and everyone in to our lives. That is a pretty broad contention and I’m merely challenging that by reference to natural events and examples of human cruelty.
I still agree with you 100% that we give away our power in relationship with a narcissist and that it is entirely our work to heal ourselves and regain our power. But it is important not to leave victims of misfortune, be it natural or human, with the idea that they attracted it. It was not our fault. That doesn’t mean we do not have issues to deal with to heal why we allowed some situations to continue. But try telling a cancer sufferer or a rape victim, particularly if they were close to you, that they attracted that… That is law of attraction taken to really quite a distasteful degree. You cannot say “everything and everyone” and then say these other instances are somehow irrelevant because your focus is on narcissistic abuse. I hope you can see that.
There is actually quite a lot of material on the web now which is taking a more critical look at “The Secret” and the Law of Attraction movement. Kyra Speaks is an example of that and there are many other examples, not just one ‘article’.
My own therapist, who is a spiritual lady with many, many years’ experience and specialism in narcissistic abuse also sees the law of attraction as quite narcissistic (though only when I raised the subject, having come to that conclusion myself).
Anyway, I am not relying on anyone else’s authority. This is my own experience and I express it authentically. Others will make up their own mind and a blog is an ideal place for debate. I’m glad you agree about that.
Perhaps you attracted me to make you re-think your own beliefs. Or perhaps I attracted you…
With every good wish
AWM
Hi AWM,
Of course there as ‘attraction’ going on here – that’s how life works! glad you see that! Absolutely I know my attraction reason – do you?
Which wonderfully gave me another opportunity to release something and grow,
Take care and of course we can have different beliefs, that is what contrast is.
Mel xo
I am visiting my grandmother, who is living in a shared flat with my mum who I believe is a false self. Even if she makes effort to provide good things, I just feel unable to feel grateful because I am trapped in her spidersweb of unseen and unspoken laws and manipulations. I make progress in going no contact more and more. One day – when granmum goes – I will be able to do it. Now I have to survive it with escaping in my phone on MTE ♡ or outside ♡ or meeting friends ♡.