Have you ever been in a situation with someone where you have no idea whether you are being told the truth or not?
Have you experienced events and circumstances that leave you feeling dubious as to whether or not you can trust them?
Or have you received point blank evidence that this person is a liar?
The truth is this: we can’t have a safe and healthy relationship with a pathological liar because trust, faith and belief are smashed.
There is a very pertinent saying – that when we become a detective in our relationship that things are very wrong.
Sadly, for most of us, we gave the narcissist the benefit of the doubt, we wanted to believe them.
So … how do we make sure that we don’t go through (or continue to experience) someone’s pathological lying, putting our heart, life and sanity at risk?
In this Thriver TV episode, it is my greatest wish that I have provided you with some powerful pointers that can help you unravel the rubbish and get to the truth regarding whether this person is someone with high-integrity or not.
Video Transcript
One thing you can be certain of with a narcissist is that they lie. They don’t stick to the truth and there is one main reason for this – they are a False Self. Meaning an insecure ego construction that has forfeited living as an authentic self, because of believing this self is not enough – not enough to have needs met or be fulfilled as itself.
The narcissist is trying to be someone else, a fictitious character who gleans feelings of significance from others because their self-esteem is so devoid on the inside.
The truth is pathological lying is about ‘not being real’. Not being honest also means not being responsible for actions or accountable, as well as severely lacking the ability to understand how one’s pathological actions, including lies, affect others.
This is all connected with the lack of empathy that narcissists are so famously known for – the inability to step into someone’s else’s shoes and view life from their perspective.
As a False Self, narcissists lie profoundly to themselves also – they have a narrative going on in their fabricated inner world as to what they believe they want as reality. Narcissists believe they are above reproach and immune to other people’s criticism or scrutiny of them.
This fabricated version of themselves requires a delusional reality of life itself, necessarily spinning the onus and responsibility back on others, rather than employing the essential self-reflection, growth and learning that may be able to lead them out of pathological narcissism.
When other people bring forth a reality that threatens the fragile basis of the False Self, which needs to uphold significance and ‘be right’ at all costs, the narcissist will go into delusional denial and stick to their narrative. This is why narcissists will blame you, refuse to stay on topic and spin things around – including all the incredible defence mechanisms that narcissists will employ to retain their fabricated versions. They are blind to their narcissism and will often continue with lie after lie, even if caught out.
This is the thing – emotionally intelligent people may lie, slip up and hurt people as a result of their behaviour – yet when they are discovered and confronted, confess and tell the truth. They have the ability to be genuinely remorseful and seek forgiveness.
Narcissists don’t do this. Their False Self will not allow them to.
As a result, the narcissist leaves in their wake a trail of broken relationships, ones where trust, faith and belief in them are destroyed. That to them is just a necessary casualty of not disturbing the false narrative of the False Self, the only identity that they can cling to – one that their entire inner identity structure relies on. To expose a narcissist as a liar means that you will be set upon. You will be lined up and the narcissist will go for your weakest points and all evidence and influence to make you out to be the liar, wrong or sick one.
This is when you need to realise this is ‘game over’ – pull away, stay away and start separating. What choice do you have if you want to retain your life, sanity and soul?
Naturally, if we are still hooked in and needy and dependant on this person for our own love, approval, survival or security – we may make excuses and stay with them, suffering the terrible abuse of being with someone who is a pathological liar – a person who we can never be safe with.
So … how do we spot this? How can we tune into our intuition and know when someone, especially a narcissist is lying to us? What are the hallmarks of a narcissistic pathological liar?
Excuses and Rationalisations
If someone does something that hurts you, and you let them know and they provide excuses, diversions and rationalisations which leaves you thinking ‘Can you please acknowledge what happened here?’ and ‘Please just stick to the topic’, there is a good chance that a False Self with a false narrative is pulling the strings of this person.
The False Self sees it their way – the fictitious story necessary to avoid scrutiny or any criticism whatsoever. If there was a wrongdoing, there needs to be an elaborate explanation as to why this ‘wrong’ thing was actually ‘right’ and therefore you have it wrong, and it’s you that is the problem all along.
You will experience this as a complete invalidation of your feelings, and what this person has done. This is where we can be thrown off, because we get involved in the debate and the argument of trying to get person who is avoiding the truth to face reality, rather than just trusting our own inner being who knows something is wrong and we have been violated and treated without care, and or lied to.
Because of this, we may doubt ourselves.
The great thing is that when we wake up from the trance, we know that elaborate justification, excuses, diversions and refusal to acknowledge wrongdoing and apologise, is simply not acceptable and it is not emotionally healthy or conducive to healthy relationships. We are simply better of without it. We deserve authentic and genuinely loving behaviour.
Of course, no-one is perfect, yet emotionally aware people are responsible for their behaviour, care about others and can make amends and generate healthy connection when it is required. Narcissists simply don’t operate from that viewpoint.
We may not realise, until we discover it first-hand, that this the person who avoids accountability and taking personal responsibility is also very capable of pathological lying, over small things and bigger things. The upholding of the False Self narrative is not only about avoiding accountability, it is also about positioning this person in life where they are favoured and it is all about them to get what they want – the results for them will be procured in whatever ways that they need to.
A pathologically lying narcissist knows what is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ (hence why they lie to cover their tracks) yet the entitled False Self doesn’t care and will use whatever methods necessary to secure its significance and privilege. It’s of no consequence to the narcissist that their untruths would hurt you if you knew about them.
Many narcissists sexually cheat on their partners. Many narcissists smear the people they are connected with to procure sympathy and advantage with others. Many narcissists work things so that they can use and financially take and steal from those close to them. Narcissists will tell people what they want to hear to create deals that render people off-guard so that the narcissist can mine whatever they want from them. Narcissists make false promises.
Of course, this is all cloaked in deception, because If you knew the truth you’d run a mile. Just like the vampire who offers the victim eternal life before sucking them dry, narcissists will make out that no one will ever love you as much, or be as wonderful to you as them – but this also is a lie when you start to experience how your energy and life-force diminishes and you start becoming an angry, anxious person who is often triggered by their self-absorbed, grandiose, entitled, invalidating and selfish behaviour.
This is because your soul is not being nourished, it’s being torn down instead.
False Promises
Another sign of pathological narcissist is someone who says they are going to do something and then they don’t – without any explanation.
People who have emotional intelligence and a conscience will say to people after they haven’t delivered, something like this: ‘I am so sorry that I didn’t get to do this today’ and then they will follow through and get it done for you another time. Narcissists don’t even bother explaining why their words actually meant nothing. The truth is they didn’t mean anything, and the narcissist is so entitled and propped up on faux superiority that they don’t believe they need to explain.
If you are in a relationship with someone who you can’t rely on and who doesn’t back up their word, this person is not someone who has integrity who can be trusted – point bank.
Decent high-integrity people just don’t roll like that.
Narcissists Play By Their Own Rules
Narcissists don’t care about boundaries or doing the right thing. Their decisions and operations are about serving themselves. If it is to the detriment of others, that is of no consequence to them. If their actions do serve others, this is only to ultimately position a narcissist for what they want.
They are a law to themselves who says ‘Who writes the rules? I do.’
Admiring Without Wanting to Know You
It can be hard to detect a person as a pathological liar when they seem to be so complimentary of you.
But think about this … if someone is full of compliments and even ‘I love you’s’ but doesn’t bother to get to know you as a person, and is not interested in who you are, or what makes your soul tick, this is not really about ‘loving and supporting you’ at all.
As far as the pathologically lying narcissist is concerned, this is about getting you to give them what they want – things like sex, money, privileges, the ego hit of an attractive partner, or a better lifestyle … whatever it is.
The real question here is: Do you feel cherished and seen, heard and held at a heart level by this person, or do you feel sexualised and objectified? Do their words feel warm and genuine, or leave you feeling empty, anxious and manipulated? Do you receive the actions, care, tenderness and generosity with this person that makes you feel deeply cherished? Or do you see the selfishness, lack of care and exploitation from this person that makes it all about them despite what loving words supposedly come out of their mouth?
If you are in a genuine relationship with a genuine person, you will feel like you love that person for who they are. If you in a relationship with a narcissist you won’t be able to honestly say ‘My partner is such a wonderful and great guy or girl.’
So, I really hope that these pointers have helped you identify the warning signs of a pathological narcissist. If we want to live a healthy, truthful, safe and authentic life we need to stop lying to ourselves about the people who we are in a relationship with and stop trying to fix or change or tolerate people who have a deficient character despite them saying ‘I’ll change.’
A person’s character is a person’s character, it is the composition of their inner identity. We all can seek, align and connect with people who have high integrity. Please know good people do exist.
I’d love to help you heal from patterns of low integrity pathological people, and the truth is, we may know all we think we need to about them, yet it is the inner programming of our old trauma patterns that get us over the line in order to connect with much healthier and safer people.
The first step to help you achieve this, is connecting you to my free 16-day recovery course which includes an invitation to a healing workshop with me, a set of eBooks and lots more.
So until next time … keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do
Melanie, You just described my relationship with my husband to a T. It is so helpful to know that my instincts are on target. I didn’t even change my name for two years after we got married… and then it was to stop his yelling about it.That was 8 months ago. I just keep thinking about how I felt uneasy moving out of my house and into the one we bought together. I was just not aware that a person could be this way. Thank you so much!
Hi Lisa,
I am so pleased that this validating your experience and intuition.
You are very welcome and I so hope that this information and my resources help empower you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Really wish you would visit jakarta or maybe have a seminar there…. Will love it 🙏😘
Hi Tonya,
Maybe one day. I’d love to also!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Unbelievable timing as always. I have ended a relationship just this morning for these very reasons. Whilst I’m hurting a little right now (as I think is natural with the ending of anything), I am also a little in awe and definitely can see first hand the changes that have occurred within my inner self after two + years with NARP. I was able to clearly express my position, remain in my truth and see clearly as it came at me, the denial, deflection and the emptiness of this person’s words. And rather than feel a need to fight back or justify myself – I simply didn’t. What an exquisite feeling to have demonstrated right in front of my own eyes that I am whole enough to simply stay in my own power and let others carry on as they will :O
Can you tell I’m a little blown away?
It was a tentative eight months. I spent a lot of time watching and monitoring my feelings when in their presence and there was only ever ‘If this was right, I’d be able to feel it’. Instead I felt very little at all – why? – Because there was nothing real there to feel. And to have closed this chapter after such a short time (this being the first foray after the N), I can now really believe, this will never happen in my life again as the paths simply do not match. I can only get quicker and better at trusting my judgement from here on out. Goodness me, this work has changed my world. Thank you Mel, I am grateful beyond words for your work and your beautiful soul.
Hi Fi,
I love everything that you have written.
It is so true that when we have turned inwards and do the work we can stand in authenticity and know that non trusting pathological people are no longer a reality in our life.
It’s so so true that we can’t heart and soul connect to a False Self because there isn’t a True Self there.
We may think it’s us but it’s not …
Your post is wonderful and thank you for sharing it with our wonderful community.
I wish you incredible expansion and the true love that is your divine truth.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie
I just wanted to enquire about your comment ‘we can’t heart and soul connect to a False Self because there isn’t a True Self there.’
I’m newish to NARP and diligently working the modules and experiencing relief! I’m 5 modules in. My question is about what it is we are connecting too in a N. I believe I did experience a deep connection and would say it was on a soul level or where True Self resides beneath the False Self. It was as if something in him was wanting healing and something better yet his False Self got in the way. I believe this is why I stayed as long as I did (15 months) because he was trying to do better, he was trying to be open and honest and he said I was helping him to do this.
The False Self won out because it kept constructing scenarios that would hurt me in an obvious way, such as stating he’d like to maintain contact with a woman he had a casual sex relationship with and a bunch of other exes. He said that he wanted to be able to help them out wherever he could because this made him feel good.
One day he let it slip that he could see he was pushing me away with this behaviour and then a couple of days later denied he said that. So there was some awareness there it would seem.
I now understand his behaviour fits into the category of Altruistic Narcissism which I have read about here. His father did exactly the same thing.
I understand there is a connection chemically, however 7 months on I believe I’ve detoxed successfully. Just wondering if you can shed more light on soul connection or connection to True Self beneath False Self.
Thanks for your work, I am being helped so much.
Allison
Hi Allison,
That is so wonderful that you are doing the inner work and diligently detoxing yourself from the n-abuse.
The extreme connections we experienced with them was wounds to wounds. That isn’t True Self connection. Yet finding and healing our wounds then allows us to generate our True Self in order to connect healthily to other True Selves.
All roads truly do lead there.
I hope this help explains and please know you are very welcome!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Mel
Thanks Melanie. Yes that does make sense. Wounded Self to Wounded Self felt so amazing like I was being seen for the first time, and also truly dreadful and toxic, like ice water through my veins. I’m so happy I’m taking care of me now. Soon I will experience True Self to True Self. ❤️ Allison
My pleasure Allison,
I am so pleased this resonated!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Wow! Good for you! Amazing what progress we can make with NARP. This mirrors a post marriage relationship I had as well…and mine also lasted 8 months (5 love bombing, 3 confusing). I am so glad for you and I just know you’ve set yourself up for the good stuff! Way to go!
Thank you so much Violet! I certainly hope so 🙂 love and light to you x
Really good article, Melanie.
I know my daughter’s ex-boyfriend fits this description exactly. After everything the two of them have put me through in the past I can only hope she is telling me the truth about him being gone permanently THIS time. I think they put me through everything you wrote in your article and then some.
Once trust is gone you can never feel the same about someone again. You’re always looking for the lies and for them to turn on you like they have in the past. I wish I could feel more trusting, but my survival depends on not making the same mistakes again. Only time will tell.
Hi Paulette,
I so hope for you and her that she is in the clear too.
If she is still struggling please suggest to her to connect to my free inner transformational resources https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse and this will also help her with love code going forward into new relationships.
Many blessings to you and her Paulette.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I’m not sure if anyone else had this experience, but I found that as I began to heal after NO CONTACT, I found that my circle included an awful lot of liars/people with low accountability (self-deceivers)/manipulators. I worked in the entertainment industry, where one would expect to find people conditioned into deeply narcissistic thinking, but there were others too. It forced me to be really honest about my own integrity and ability to stand alone in the wilderness moving forward. But I was also pretty traumatised by realising just how much of my energy (and resources) had gone into peripheral relationships that were decidedly one-way. I had gathered a circle of ‘friends’ who were users. It was very isolating, and there was a great deal of painful backlash if/when I held ‘friends’ to account for their inability to admit their part in a thing.
Fact was, they were used to me being a compliant agreeable doormat whom they could treat with a total lack of respect. When I stood up for myself and said,”hey, please don’t do that thing anymore”, they would, as you say Mel, shower shit on me from a great height. I learned the value of saying nothing, and quietly letting them slip from my life – but way too late! The nasty words and pure ego-based rage still haunt me some years later, as in, “I can’t believe that person I was so kind, supportive and caring towards turned and attacked me instead of responding to ‘I’m sorry’ with “yeah, Im sorry too'”.
The good news is that better quality (for want of a better term) people have started to enter my life – particularly in the form of old character-based spiritual friends who scattered to the four winds while I was married to the narcissistic sociopath.
Thank you for continuing this debate Mel et al. Even after escaping the acute anxiety of CPTSD, the shared human experience on your site is really valuable.
Nicki, hi what you wrote resonates with me. After divorce from a narc (which I didn’t even realize at the time that he was) most of the social circle took his side, en masse automatically dumped me although they had no idea about why the marriage ended. I felt so hurt as if now that I was no longer married and not to him I didn’t exist. It was a very painful aftershock I hadn’t anticipated. He proceeded to quickly remarry with the help of some of the above who set him up virtually immediately while I was left alone with a houseful of adolescent kids. After five years living in the same small community I picked up and left, it was too difficult for me to see my former ‘friends’ all clamouring around him and the new wife. Has been 12 long years and I still cringe when I see any of them at my kids’ weddings that ex insists on inviting them to. Some don’t even congratulate me, just ignore me. Just as well cause I have no interest in them. He’s welcome to them, they are a bunch of fickle phonies who belong together. I definitely have grown better at discerning a higher calibre of people and yes I believe that’s a good and deserving way of putting it, so at least that! I sure won’t waste any more time and energy on any others. I have developed a sort of narc radar and run for the hills when it sounds its alarm!
Dearest Melanie,
I think you’ve copy/pasted all the e-mails that I sent to my ex narcissistic boyfriend:)
Thank you for sharing:)
❤️
Hi Mel,
So this is so spot on…as always! But I just wanted to say, you look like a movie star with your hair blowing in the wind. I hope you have a wonderful time in Bali. You deserve it! Thanks so much for another great video. And for all you do…xoxoxo
Hi Violet,
Beautiful lady I always love hearing from you!
So much love to you sweetheart and thank you.
Mel 🙏💕
As always, thank you! Have a nice time in Bali…relaxing, refreshing, & renewing!!!!
Hi Aneas,
You are so welcome!
Thank you for your lovely well wishes.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I am in the process of divorcing my narc,married 35 years.Watched lots of the videos and plucked up the courage to end my marriage.I feel stronger than I have in years,at 63 i want a life of peace.The lies he is saying and admitting to me that he is playing the game says it all.I am not letting it effect me as I know I am stronger than he thinks.Thanks to the videos.
Hi Karen,
How wonderful that you have found the strength to honour you and live your True Life!
I wish you beautiful success and happiness.
Mel 🙏💕
When the pieces of the puzzle fall into place, the truth of the picture can blow you back into youself….thank you Melanie!
How does one deal with the N who is so comfortable in the lap of convenience that although they threaten to leave..any minute, never do. I provide all the basic necessities (home comfort, food etc) and I have always been the breadwinner, as his spiritual journey does not sit well with having a job/providing for his family….
When I ask him to help cleanup or take any responsibility he reminds me that I don’t see how he has supported me all these years and I need to be grateful that he is ‘still around”!
Our marriage has always been frought with dungeons and dragons, but now I need to break this cycle, which started with a N mother.
I teach from (rented) home and It suits me so I don’t want to move if I can help it.
Blessings x
Hi Danielle,
The truth is with freeing ourselves from pathological people there is usually some sacrifice that we need to make.
Please know, I myself know the upheaval of uprooting oneself from our own home.
I can assure you 100 percent that when you honour the truth and what is healthy for your soul, that the reality that awaits is far superior and so worth the supposed ‘cost’.
Your True Self life awaits when you take matters powerfully into your own hands to leave him and what he represents behind you.
I hope this helps inspire you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Well written and I really hope people take notice of these ways to sport a narc.Terrible people to get involved with…I had children to one so he still feels like he can control me…20 years after leaving him!! The best thing to do is absolutely go NO CONTACT..hard hard lesson to learn..but its the only way.. And of course always trust that little voice inside that says something’s not quite right with this person and run for the hills.
Hi Peggy,
Thank you and I’m so pleased this spoke to you.
I hope so too!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Melanie, thank you so much. You eloquently sum up the workings of a master of false self, I started to feel an immense lack of tenderness, an emptiness in his eyes, and to see the incongruence between words and actions. I believe if I had listened to my inner self and my intuition I would have walked away sooner. My problem now that I finished the ‘relationship’ is that he is bringing new women into my social space, that was only ever mine, to provoke a reaction. The first time I held myself together and ignored it, but I am wondering should I stay away from these particular events (that I would otherwise attend like clockwork) or should I continue to go and find the joy in them. I’m worried he will up the ante and attempt to damage my reputation.
Hi TeAroha,
It is so easy to distrust ourselves … to discover later that we were right.
So true that actions not matching the words is very typical of low integrity people.
Truly only you can answer your question.
The most important reason to come to decision I believe is this ,’what honours the health of my inner being the most?’
Big kudos to you for getting clear and out.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie, your videos are spot on and help me feel so validated in what I unfortunately lived through a number of years ago with a therapist who was a pathological liar and narcissist. I’d been in a really bad place in my life and needed desperately to believe someone cared about me. Too many years later I realised this person was actually incapable of seeing their own faults and kept dumping them on me. Inspiration from a dream and too much similarity to other life experiences, inspired me to leave her, although it cut off all the resources and references I thought I’d be able to receive through my association with her. It took me almost as many years as I was with her to realise how sick her false persona was, and also what I needed to heal in myself and be for myself to no longer get sucked into relationships like this again. It has been an excruciating learning process, but in the end I have won myself back and can be grateful and hopeful in new found self reliance and wisdom. Many blessings for your encouraging messages to so many people in so many situations in life. (by the way, this past relationship with this therapist was not the only narcissistic one I’d been in, but was poisonous enough to wake me up to all the past ones as well, including the one with my own mother) Hope you are safe and enjoying your Bali vacation! Blessings and love!
Hi Sera,
That is so wonderful that you have awoken and won the battle of reclaiming your soul – which is no small feat!
You are very welcome Sera, I am so pleased I can help and thankyou for your well wishes.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Mel,
OMG! You simply delivered yet another post about what was actually going through my own head today and the anguish and anger I feel now that I have discovered so much truth. It totally validated me so thank you because these were the answers I was looking for and I simply want to take self-blame out of it because I was young and socially naive to begin with to get involved with two sociopaths who did exactly that from the get-go – lie!. I have left this painful experience and am on the mend to healing my soul and the wounds and trauma that are inside and have your program however it’s early stages and so many traumatic memories are coming up for me. I can actually see the cycle of violence and the roles that have played out in my own home as a young child play out later in life so I understand so much more – I want to end it for myself. Both sociopaths literally could read my mind and the knew instinctively the very traumas that would feed their ego and on the other hand feed back anguish, pain and terror and anger to me. It was almost as if they knew how I would react at the time which made them feel powerful and left me so internally angry. I found it hard to call it out and speak up and internalised so much of it but I knew this was my programs of ‘pretend and befriend’ and the classic ‘freeze’ which only landed me in more abuse. I am sure I will be healing more programs as I deeply connect inside my body it’s like I am falling into a dark pit right now but that is a result of disconnection from abuse.
Hi Mia,
It is so beautiful that you are on your way to healing.
Absolutely it is confronting when we realise there is a lot to heal, but please know you are coming hone to you, and the incredible NARP community are here to help support your journey.
Sending love and blessings.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
You have described my husband of 38 years so accurately! I’m going through some difficult times right now and trying so hard to release myself from his grip. I know that I need to get my power back and heal from the inside in order for me to be free. After all these years living with a narcissist, I’m feeling so beaten up. I’ve always thought that I was the crazy one.
Dear Gloria ,you deserve better. I hope this video and all the posts help you know you are absolutely NOT the crazy one. I’m sorry things are so hard for you right now. Maybe it’s your time now to dig deep…the strength you need is inside you, as Melanie always says our breakdowns are our Break Throughs! Sending you hugs, strength and healing energy…there’s a beautiful soul in you waiting to shine and be at peace. Don’t let anything stop you now 🙏🌷🌟💛
Hi Gloria,
I am so pleased that this video has validated you and allowed you to know that you are not crazy!
It is your time to heal Dear Lady.
Sending you strength and healing.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I’m a 64 yr. old woman. It’s almost 45 yrs. for me. This article hits him almost exactly. When I try to tell him how I feel, he changes the subject into something about him. He starts talking about anything but what I’m feeling. If he does actually hear what I’m saying, he says I take everything wrong, and I need to just forget it cause it isn’t important or it just didn’t happen that way. I just realized that I wasn’t the off balance one about 3-4 yrs. ago. We went to a councilor, and he put on a show with tears and subject changing. We talked very little about our marriage. The councilor tried to keep him on the subject, but it wasn’t easy. I’m feel stuck. I have a way out of this, but I’m afraid to make the move. I guess I need more rejection, sadly.
Hi,Melanie,so many of us have really appreciate the wonderful work you do as our lives have been in such chaos ,and,every time your words let us know,we can survive and thrive,like you it has been twice for me and the episode about the pathological lying really was so spot on,thank you for being there for I really see it as it is every time I read your messages
Hi Maree,
I am so pleased we are in synch and please know 100 percent we have all been in this together.
Wishing you incredible breakthrough and expansion.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
An excellent piece Mel, I experienced all of what you say. It took so long to realise though, the deception was complete!
I’d just like to mention a classic way the narc messed with my head:
Me: “Why did you etc etc”
Narc: “I didn’t do that”
Me: “You did, I recall it quite clearly (insert details)”
Narc: “I might have done it”
Me: “Oh, so you might have done it”
Narc: “I didn’t do that”
Arghh!
Thanks Mel for your continuing work, it is a real help 🙂
Oh Nespole I hear you…that is absolutely classic! (And a variation from my past…”Narc: I didn’t say/ do that; what are you talking about?? YOU said/ did that, I remember it well….you were standing over there and….” ) crazy making …thank heaven I don’t live there anymore. Blessings in your new life 🌷💛
Hi Nespolo,
It totally is madness!!
If we are continually going over the same ridiculous conversations … it is game over!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Mel, that is sound advice and I’m working on it. The narc had the chutzpah to say I had to stop thinking in loops – talk about having your cake and eating it too!
Thanks, you are a godsend 🙂
Wonderful thank you
Hi Catherine,
It’s my pleasure!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Beautiful work Melanie, thank you. To a Tee….how did we ever live through it. ..And as you said, the lies, rationalisations/ stories/ mumbo jumbo were always so ELABORATE! long winded, complicated…Enjoy Bali dearest Mel ; so lovely to see you wearing a sleeveless outfit in the video today! it’s still shivering cold and endless rain back here..will it ever stop?? enjoy the sunshine and happy days , sending you love , hugs and Angel blessings 🌷💖⭐️🌟
Hi Val,
Thankyou darling lady. Exactly – what were we thinking allowing that as acceptable?
It is beautiful being in the warmth … you poor thing sweetheart, please stay warm! I am sooooo not looking forward to going back to Melbourne.
So much love to you always Val.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi from the UK
Thanks Mel for this second article in the series. I will be reading each one as it pings into my inbox. Just got out in time from the second narc abuser in my life, just as the devaluation started to kick in. This I was able to do because of the work I had done after narc number one. So yes, knowledge is power and good friends are pure gold. I am deeply grateful for both. I will continue to learn and share and am thinking of volunteering for a domestic abuse helpline as soon as my emotions stabilize.
So thank you again for this valuable work that you are doing and I wish you and all your readers/viewers a joyful and authentic life.
Hi Ms B E Barclay,
You are very welcome!
That is so great that you were able to honour you and leave.
Thank you for you comments and post and thoughtful blessings to us all.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
That is so wonderful that you wish to give to others.
Dear Val, thanks so much, blessings to you too 🙂
God Bless you Melanie. Much love to you!
Dear Mel,
Thank you for yet another brilliant episode and for walking with us through our journey of breaking free into our truest, highest, best selves.
Earlier this year I left my narc husband of over 12years. Recently i got involved with another man, afew weeks ago I found out i have herpes, seems sad cuz after all the years with narc and thinking I would have a chance to date again and do better this time,the first man i got intimate with,i contract an STD, additionally also this man has characteristics of narcissism- not caling to check up, hardly picks up phone calls, hardly calls back , saying he will call and doesn’t call..etc i know nothing is by accident,or a mistake and that God is perfect in all of his ways..
I guess what i have not been able to know is, what this means,am i not meant to have romantic relationships moving forward- considering how herpes is. Did it have to be herpes that brings my yet unhealed wounds into my face…? Funny how i thought i had healed alot only to see patterns play out the past few weeks.Is it possible to heal herpes through QFH?
Mel, I hope you get to read this, I could use your wisdom.😊 is there a module for this kind of situation.
Lots of luv,💞
Hi Thriver,
You are very welcome and I so hope it helps.
Awww Dear Lady my heart goes out to you. I have personally in the past had experience with partners with herpes, and know people personally who have the herpes virus.
It is very common and I believe if you are honest and the person who you connect with, wishes to see a doctor if or does research they will be informed and understand the facts.
I certainly don’t believe it is a relationship deterrent to most people. It wasn’t for me.
I absolutely believe that QFH has the power to target and I release an unlimited array of traumas creating supposed chronic health issues.
I know of people who use QFH on the trauma creating herpes (that is what they target) which has created a large reduction of outbreaks or has left them outbreak free.
You can use Module 1 to do this or the Goal Setting Module. If you are in the NARP Forum https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member we can also assist you with this further.
As always Thriver, as I know you know!, the people in our life bringing us unhealthy love are helping us go within and become our next greatest version of self.
You’ve got this – truly!
Many blessings, healing and continue breakthrough to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Dear Mel,
Amen to more blessings, healing and continued breakthrough.
Thanks dear one for the wise words and encouragement.
Yes i have NARP and will do the module 1 and 3, and continue to grow to my best version.
Many blessings and love to you.
💕🙏🏼😘
This article desctribes, to the tee, my youngest adult son who lives with me. This is also his fathers behavior. We divorced 20 yrs ago. Son and father do t get along due to the described behaviors. I didnt realize this was narcissism until I started subscribing to your posts- THANK GOD I did, I thought I was losing my mind.
Hi Nancy,
I’m so pleased that my work has helped clarify things an validate you.
Sending much love.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thank you so much Mel. This video describes my ex partner to a Tee!
Every time my gut instinct told me something isn’t right here, and I voiced it with him, he gas lighted me, so I became quite in my torment. All the signs were there, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt, making excuses for his behaviour over 8 years with him.
3 weeks ago, the evidence of an affair was right in front of me so, going into detective mode, my instinct proved right. RIGHT every time I suspected him and he gas lighted me! Being caught out he still continued to lie and play me and his mistress off against each other, manipulating us both. He presented himself to her as a completely different person, for 3 years, the lies he told were astonishing.
I walked away from him on this day with the strength found from you are your work. I am not looking back however, I am dealing with the trauma and after shock.
I am working on finding Me again and know the signs to look for in the future!
Thank you and God bless you.
Hi Anita,
You are very welcome. I am so pleased you backed yourself, followed up and found out the truth.
It truly is the downright proof of a pathological person when even after being caught out that they continue to lie.
Anita you have totally done the right thing and sweetheart … wail out the shock and wounds as much as you need to, because I promise you on the other side you will be freer than you’ve ever been.
And you will never do relationship with someone like this again.
Please know we are all here for you.
Sending you love, courage, strength and healing.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie,
Thank you so much for the work you do, it has really helped me to know I’m not crazy and that I’m not the only one who has experienced narcissistic abuse. I didn’t know until recently that NA is a very real thing and not just a general label people throw around to make excuses for those with faulty character. I recently became a NARP member and I wanted to ask you if narcissists really believe the lies that they tell others or do they know what they are really doing? I have recently been abandoned for the 3rd time by my childrens father for the same woman twice. This has really taken its emotional and physical toll on me. I know it should be irrelevant but I’m still hung up on why he’s chosen the other woman over me and his children. My deepest fear is that he will treat this woman far better than he ever has me. I’ve gone no contact for 2 solid weeks and am proud of myself for that. Any wisdom you can provide would be deeply appreciated.
With love,
Sarah
Hi Sarah,
You are very welcome!
Okay your question is a really good one! I believe the answer is this … Narcissists are deeply unconscious people maladapting (not being authentic) in order to get their needs met.
I believe they lie, for all the reasons I spoke about in this episode, then comes the self-justifications for lying.
Then to the narcissists non accountable neuron wiring, they are ‘right’. Then they absolutely have the capacity to believe their own lies.
Sarah sweetheart what you have been through is incredibly painful, and I really want you to know that NARP will help you so much in releasing your trauma and the younger childhood (and beyond) ingrained traumas that are keeping you in these feelings … and ultimately free you.
The total formula is to do as little thinking about it as possible and really dive into your Module 1 work to do the deep inner transformational healing.
That is where your salvation is.
I hope this helps and sending love and strength to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Having accidently come across this site and reading all the information you’ve so selflessly provided us Mel, has helped me enormously. I am not a cruel person and would never ever wish anyone dead, but when advised by the hospital that my husband had died suddenly, the unexpected surge of absolute relief was incredible. This was early January this year.
New Year’s Eve he told me he was leaving after 35 years of me living under the conditions which you’ve described so accurately. Early the following Friday he woke me as he had severe chest pains, so I called the ambulance and went with him to the hospital. Very early the following Sunday, he died.
Months of sorting out the tangled web of financial turmoil and dealing with low life people with whom he’d been associating went by with little time for any retrospection or emotion other than relief. Almost at the end of the sorting out period and I began to feel guilty that I had allowed this dreadful person into the middle of my lovely family. I also felt that I must have been monumentally stupid.
Thanks to you and what you have taught me, I no longer feel that way and have begun to feel a wonderful sense of freedom. Of course there is absolutely no possibility that I would ever become involved in any romantic attachment ever again.
Last week a friend asked me if I was happy. That stopped me in my tracks and I just stared at her as I realised that i’d really forgotten what it felt like to be “happy”, so I had a good look at myself and finally replied that I was content and at peace. Maybe that’s what being happy is all about. Right or wrong, it’s a great place to be.
Love to you, Mel and to all those going through the recovery process.
Lynda
Hi Lynda,
I am so pleased my material has h lord.
Lynda you have been through so much, and that is great that you are healing and feeling your freedom.
I wish you continued healing, peace and love in your life.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Simply beautiful video Mel and so well expressed. Thank you for the remarkable wisdom and healing you bring with your transformative words, videos and NARP.
Hi Theresa,
Thank you dear soul sister for your beautiful words.
Please know how much I appreciate you too.
Sending you my love.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
You are so right. We need to see people for who they are and stop lying to ourselves by allowing bad people to fool us into thinking they are someone they are not.
Hi Michael,
Amen to that!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Melanie – I’ve only been in NARP a little over a week but the info came at the right time. I’ve been involved with narcissists my wholelife without understanding how I’m the one who draws them in.(mother, brothers, husband, series of romantic partners, worklife people)..
My most recent romantic involvement was the most volatile in the sense it was best described as a tornado. This person came into my life, swept me off my feet ( of course we had all those instant connections). They managed to create so much chaos that friendships of decades was in jeopardy, my livelihood was jeopardized, etc. I woke up with a start – but this was the absolute earthshattering jolt I needed as I have ignored it my wholelife (I’m almost 60!) This time I realized within several weeks that this was not a person to be around, yet once I realized I “knew” this dance I thought I could outsmart them and “play” a bit with them – I wouldn’t recommend it as it can get seriously messed up quickly with me on the losing end. So I stopped that and went on no contact.
I’ve immersed myself in reading all the blogs, newsletters and starting the process of “meeting my broken younger self”…..I’m finding it difficult to stay in the moment of self-connecting and could use pointers as this truly is the most difficult time to stay still, and remain with myself only to heal all those lost and damaged parts. It seems when I’m on the verge of being able to cry – something I haven’t been able to do for years – I get moved out of that moment. How do I stay in that moment with myself?
Hi Deborah,
That is such a relevant question. Please know it can be very difficult to meet and stay with our inner being when there is a great deal of trauma going on within.
We can however in the NARP healings (Module 1 works effectively for this)target the trauma that is making it difficult to do this and release that trauma, which then creates the ‘space’ within to make it easier to be with ourselves.
I suggest also having the support from the NARP Forum moderators to be able to be guided with any blocks or problems.
This helps so much in your recovery journey. https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Mel … thanks for another amazing transmission. I am in a court case with my ex and father of my sons. I stated the truth in my case simply and with integrity and you are right … his reaction to me stating the truth is to sink low and play dirty. This morning I received his affidavit for our court hearing on Thursday, which is full of slander,and an ugly attempt to create diversion by smearing my chAracter and trying to paint a picture to the court that I’m unbalanced and mad. What advice would you give me for going into court this week to face him. It’s a full trial with cross examination. This broadcast describes him succinctly so I am anxious about what’s ahead and would value any advice or pointers to get me through it intact!
With deep gratitude
Karen xx
Hi Karen,
You are very welcome. Yes he is doing what narcissists just do.
You best power is in releasing all emotional charge and fear and staying calm. Don’t give him any supply just keep addressing the judge and not him or his attorney.
Calm facts are powerful.
Wishing you strength, power and breakthrough.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Aloha Melanie . Mahalo for all your work! You seem to be just a wealth of knowledge in this department and I’ve definitely gained insight through your Sharing.
I’m wondering what your take is on this…
I was raised by a narcissistic mother. I can’t even begin to describe all the ways in which she had practically murdered me in this life but kept me breathing so I’d come to her for help when there was no where else to turn. Well since I started learning about the NPD I have begun to take my power back or really claim it for the first time and I do not contact her anymore…
However I have as you can imagine only ever been in toxic relationships only I was totally oblivious to it because my imagination is what saved me through all these times. I thought I was a healer on a spiritual path spreading unconditional love to wounded souls.
I realized now I was really just feeding blood thirsty vampires and obtaining a false identity myself.
I recently joined codependent anonymous and its opening my eyes humbling and strengthening me simultaneously.
My question is about my most recent relationship of 6 years with the Ultimate betrayal of self!
I was so in love and I broadcast it to the world how precious our love was.
Now as I’m picking myself up off the desert floor after a horrendous self induced discard, I am wondering if some of this happened due to my conditioning as a child…?
Could I have projected some of those vindictive traits onto him helping to recreate the trauma and heartwrenching dynamics I experienced with my mother? Or am I still in denial that he could actually have NPD? After all I’m not a doctor but have always been a very fast manifestor!
Could I have created the whole thing with a very impressionable soul on behalf of my own damaged perception?
Hi Sitka,
Truly Dear Lady when we have unhealed trauma within from our past then that is our ‘love code’ that painfully continues, until we go within and release the trauma and reprogram it to free ourselves to experiene another and healthier love trajectory.
That truly is the answer, and please know many people in this community have achieved this breakthrough even when abuse is all they have ever known.
The inner work is key, and I’d love to show you it here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
Mel 🙏💕❤️
This reminds me so much of my current situation.
About to be 40, my mother was a narc, so I put her on “no contact” over 5 years ago. Everyone told me I was cruel, that “she was my mother” etc etc. It was the best thing I ever did for myself and don’t truly feel like I started my life until the day I made that decision.
Fast forward to last year: Ive always been fine being single, I’m very comfortable with who I am and am happy isolating as I’m an introvert. Met a handsome scruffy man, 43, good on paper. He co-owned a bar, has a Journalism degree from a great school, was with the same woman for 15 years, married for 6 of them. BOY WAS I WRONG. Started out with the “love bomb” but I’d never experienced it so felt neither here nor there. I’m not big on sentiment, so it didn’t have the effect he wanted it to. Went to pushing me into saying I loved him quickly, within a month. Pushed me into saying I needed to move in with him at 6 months. This is where my red flag started to go up. Everything seemed control based, I chalked it up to him being a heavy drinker and having been single for 5 years and most likely dating younger girls that he could control. We had many talks about it, he would take accountability, tell me he won’t pressure me anymore. Then it would start again … but with little verbal or emotional abuses here and there. How my friends were lame, my interests weren’t cool .. anytime I had a meeting he would text me constantly throughout. He started telling me I didn’t have a real job, that my boss was a rich F**got. Started trying to isolate me from my friends ( it worked in the end because it was easier to sit on his couch and listen to him complain about his life than try to go out ). He started trolling my IG once a month, suddenly blowing up about some guy I didn’t even know liking my photos. Started accusing me of lying, of having met these men. He stayed sober for 3 months, fell off, back on for a month, fell off. All the promises of an Alcoholic. I believe he is dually sick with both afflictions. Threatened suicide.
The last interaction was Tuesday of this week ( It’s Friday). He told me in a span of 10 minutes I was only hired because I was pretty, my project I’m currently working on is failing, my project will be the laughing stock of the town, I’m frigid ( I have Endometriosis, but he said I should be orally pleasing him at the least everyday), that he knows I’m done with him so I should tread lightly, and that if I don’t like the way he treats me I “can bounce.”
This person has turned into a monster I never knew existed, but says a lot of berating things about my physical looks etc that my mother did. It was a very calm feeling to block him on every communication platform, but he’s oddly gone silent. I can’t tell if he knows I am really done – or if he thinks it’s just another fight. I sleep with my screen doors locked because he has a key, and I’m not afraid of him physically, I just wish he would disappear.
Narcs go silent as a weapon to make you feel uneasy. Run. Don’t look back. They will use your own weaknesses against you. I struggled for years to advance in my career. Which he coerced me into. So I get a huge raise an he says my job means nothing more than a glorified receptionist. I found out he slept w a so called friend. He said he as drunk, only happened one time, she wasn’t very good, he barely remembered. All lies. I’ve heard lots of half truths, lies by omission, manipulation both emotionally and physically. Remember,.IT’S THEIR ISSUE and they dump it on you, to make themselves feel better. Run. Don’t look back.
Dear Melanie, Thankyou and infinite blessings xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
You’ve given me so much hope of real healing with the support of your wisdom, compassion and resources. Everything you describe a Narc to be is how my ex of 3yrs is. I’ve had no contact for a month. I really loved him with my whole heart and its the saddest thing in the world to realise he could never love or care for me. What made me realise was being thrown through a glass window while our 4 young girls slept. No remorse. He was that clever at lying and manipulating. I stayed after so many warning signs. Everyone sharing comments helps me see how real this condition is and how we can heal together. I do believe there were small windows of awakening where something stirred his true soul and I feel tremendous compassion for that part of him that doesn’t exist on this earth plane, but I love myself and my girls more than to hold on or ever look back. We are free to experience only whole conscious love now and always.
Through trauma release (I teach yoga and breathwork) and then I found your work, I’m starting to feel more whole again and have a really bright and beautiful future shaping up for myself and the girls.
Deepest gratitude, Kat xx
I never knew it was possible to actually continue to deny once having been explicity called out. It used to make my head spin. I never knew what narcissism truly was. At 52 years old, I began to understand the insidiousness of it. I now see it for what it is. I swear, the more I see through him, the more he lies.
A family member, I am sure, is a narcissist.
I have suspected for many years and this article backs my belief .
I have only just woken up to the fabrications that make up a lot of her stories and conversations and while it hurts to be lied to so blatantly at least I now understand why she does it.
We can’t just cut her loose as is suggested as she is single with an anxiety disorder and health issues and there is little family support . Putting boundaries round and not buying into the deceit is going to be hard . I truly think she totally believes her own fabrications . Any challenges to these beliefs is met with angry silence and payback comments . There are nice aspects to her character but in the main these are far outweighed by the delusions, grandiosity, and the blame game and total lack of insight.
Walking on eggshells describes it ..
I’m a man in a relationship for 7 years with a female covert narcissist. We have 3 young children together and I help care for her 2 children from 2 past relationships. It’s sad to me that I’ve taken years to figure out what was going on and the only option for my happiness and sanity is to end the fairytale and move on. Since the place we live is in her name i would be the one leaving. This thought troubles me because I imagine her having her new supply around my children and things of that sort. I’ve pretty much given up on the relationship and I know I have to pick up the pieces and gather myself. I’m just not sure how to go about taking the first step.
Hi Quintin,
I’m so sorry that you are going through this difficult time, it is additionally difficult when there are children involved.
I’d love you to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/free webinar to find out what your next steps are to get your relief and power back.
I hope this can help you
Mel 🙏💕💛
What an AMAZING article!! It’s so great to be able to read this info and internally say to myself “I knew it!!” it’s the need for validation for what I’ve lived with all the people around me, that step by step I’m getting. I always suspected from this people who “admire and flatter you” without real intention to get to know who you are, it doesn’t match! You just put that into words. And I can see how I repeated that pattern of making promises and not sticking to it, though I usually explained why I just at the last minute changed my mind. Now I get the chance to see it and be more in integrity with myself and others. Thank you Melanie!!! ❤️✨Your posts help tons!
They say people who give you advice or criticisms you did not want or ask for, are not motivated by concern, they are malicious. Narcs are definitely like that.
Melanie is right, and those crazy making dynamics had me feeling dizzy like a roller coaster ride I didn’t agree to.
My narc ex had no bounds to the schadenfreude he’d feel anytime he heard about something that would be humiliating or unfavorable to me. He just made up what ever story he could live with, lie or not, in order to get over his addictions and rightful feelings of inadequacy.
I am a lying Narcissist and need help