Knowing that you are having to go to court with a narcissist is one of the most terrifying and stressful things that you will ever have to face.

Because … you know the narcissist is a pathological liar who is charismatic, manipulative and convincing.

You also know that the narcissist is trying to win, by making you lose, which means punishing you horrifically, setting out to use the legal and court system to discredit you and take from you what is dear to your heart.

This is why it is so vital that you know how to face this storm, in ways that will empower you, ensure you have a healthy hearing and put you in the best possible position to disarm and unravel the narcissist in order to expose who they are and win against them.

Narcissists get defeated regularly when you know how to do this, and that’s what today’s Thriver TV episode is all about.



Video Transcript

One of the most terrifying things we will ever experience with a narcissist is court battles. And if we don’t capitulate and hand everything over and instead take a stand for what is rightfully ours, it’s really usual to go through a horrific court battle with a narcissist, because they are entitled, they believe what is yours is theirs, they don’t play fair and they don’t do the right thing.

Narcissists in court settings are often incredibly charismatic, charming and convincing. Many law professionals and judges will not see straight through this person and this is why its so important for you to know how to combat a narcissist in court dealings, in order to expose them and win.

As far as a narcissist is concerned, them winning means that the other person must and should lose. And of course, this appeases the False Self who, once someone stands up to the narcissist or tries to expose them or has received the narcissists devalue and discard, believes that this person should be severely punished.

So, what does that all mean? It means that you are dealing with a highly pathological high-conflict personality who is often very skilled at using the court system as a weapon against you.

I really wanted to do this Thriver TV Episode for you today to help you look out of for the 6 things that narcissists will do, so that you can be armed in defence against them.


#1 The Narcissist Will Lull You Into a False Sense of Security

A narcissist will try to manipulate you into trusting them. Many narcissists will appeal to you in a way that looks like kindness, or that they do want to play fair and look after you. With the narcissist, nothing could be further from the truth. They are only concerned about what they can get and take from you. So, don’t fall for it.

So many people have believed that they can make the narcissist play fair, to find out later the narcissist was disarming them so that they could strike hard and take even more and they deeply regret that they tried to deal directly with the narcissist.

It’s vital to only do negotiations between legal personnel.

Don’t believe that this person has a sense of fairness, sentimentality and kindness like you the empath has. Narcissists don’t roll like that.


#2 The Narcissist Will Smear You To The Court

Expect all and any dirt to be used against you, real or fabricated, making you out to be the immoral, abusive, crazy and wrong one. And the narcissist will also make covert, gaslighty comments in court to make you take umbrage, and get upset and angry trying to defend yourself. The narcissist knows what triggers you. They always have and will play on it as much as possible to try to get you to unravel in court and look like the picture they are painting of you.

Don’t fall into the totally understandable urge to try to expose this person as a pathological narcissist. Don’t pull out the DSM and start diagnosing as this will go seriously against you. You have to ‘show’ rather than ‘tell’ how disordered this person is to have any hope of winning in court.

The first step is to work hard enough on your inner triggers and traumas so that you are not catapulted into overwhelming feelings of unfairness and terror and pain. It can be beyond heartbreaking and traumatising to see how someone who once supposedly loved you can treat you in court, but that is exactly what narcissists do.

If you work on your inner being diligently, you will be able to stay calm, methodical, unemotional and business-like in court. Scream, yell, cry and shout later… but don’t lose it in court.

If you stay emotionless and expose how their actions don’t match their words, with documentation, which we discuss in Number 4, you will see virtually every narcissist unravel, lose power, hang themselves and be exposed.


#3 The Narcissist Will Make Threats Against You

Narcissists will try to scare you into believing things like that they can take the children away from you or get all of the property and anything else that is dear to your heart. They can act ruthlessly, instructing their lawyer to make claims and negotiations that are totally in their favour.

Please know if you stay calm the narcissist cannot magically prove that you are an unfit parent and get custody of your children. Especially when it is likely that you have been the one caring for your children for the majority of their lives.

These threats are likely to have taken place before even getting to court and make no mistake they constitute abuse. The narcissist may have also done some nasty things to you, like abusing you by text or email, destroying or taking property and stalking, all to intimidate you, seek revenge and gain the upper hand.

If you have worked with detaching from the narcissist and healing yourself from narcissistic abuse which the NARP Program helps you do so much and have told them to leave you alone, you will experience that most narcissists still make contact, will approach you, stalk you, harass you or be verbally abusive to you. They love to instil fear, trigger you into reactions, and psych you out of any power to protect yourself or go for what are your due rights.

As soon as harassment is taking place, it is a fantastic idea before court proceedings to have a restraining order in place so that you are not trying to report these behaviours without proof and backup in court. If you have a restraining order already in place, this automatically casts the narcissist in a bad light.

A Domestic Violence Case Worker may be a wonderful aid in getting this order placed, and please know that this can be done regardless of whether or not the narcissist has actually physically threatened you.

Of course, taking this stand may be emotionally very difficult for you to do, you may be scared of the narcissist’s reaction, or even feel guilty, or maybe don’t want to do this because of complications with the children and visitations.

However, I can’t recommend standing up and doing this enough. When we get out of fear and take pro action regarding our own protection and deservedness to live an abuse-free life, not only do we show our children by powerful example that abuse is NOT okay, we also stand the best chance of defeating a narcissist within the court system.


#4 The Narcissist Will Falsify Events

Narcissists pathologically lie, they concoct events to suit their own agendas without batting an eye. If you don’t have the answers to these fabrications, the narcissist truly can make mincemeat out of you.

It is vital that you document everything that is happening on a daily basis. Have a notepad with you at all times in case you are approached by the narcissist, next to the phone, and your computer, and take the time to create a log daily. Especially keep records of any abusive or threatening texts, emails and messages. Take photos of any damage that the narcissist has caused. Make a record of when they have reneged on any agreement or haven’t provided care when your child required it.

Get the documentation from authorities regarding who is present for the children’s events, schooling and appointments and any time the narcissist has been remiss in their duties. Don’t let the narcissist know that you are documenting them, because then they will start covering their tracks better – you actually want the narcissist to slip up.

When the narcissist lies, which they all do, you could well have the exact documentation to prove that they are and expose them in court. Most narcissists will not have done their homework properly because of their sense of entitlement and exaggerated arrogance, they don’t expect they would have to in order to win.

If you expose the narcissist’s lies, this may bring upon a narcissistic rage which will expose the disordered, unstable personality that they are and seriously undermine their chances of defeating you.


#5 The Narcissist May Try to Change Custody Arrangements

Narcissists hate boundaries and will try to change the rules all the time. When you are in court dealings with a narcissist, it is so important that you don’t allow changes to the custody arrangements or give up any of your boundaries, no matter what pressure the narcissist puts on you to do this.

If the narcissist tries to purport that something extraordinary has happened to change the orders, request the proof, but really this needs to only be something like a medical emergency.

It is also a really great idea to put into the custody arrangement a third-party portal such as Our Family Wizard, that keeps the children out of it and the parents separated from conflict over parenting, as well as accountable. Also, specify when the narcissist can call to speak to the children. Don’t deviate or allow any contact out of these parameters. For more details see my Parallel-parenting article.


#6 The Narcissist Will Seek Out Supply

The most vital thing a narcissist is always doing is trying to get narcissistic supply, the attention and energy that is the faux life-force that energises them and powers them up.

One of the most important times to understand this deeply is when you are in court proceedings with them. How you disarm and disempower a narcissist is to give them nothing. Don’t feed them attention, energy or your angst. There is nothing that triggers and hurts them more and causes them to unravel.

Narcissists will try to start extracting narcissistic supply from you even before entering the courtroom, by glaring at you, making remarks or getting minions to make snide comments as they walk past you. It could be a great idea to arrive early and get a consultation room or an area separated where the narcissist doesn’t know where you are to avoid them having this opportunity.

In the courtroom do not make eye contact. Preferably sit somewhere where the narcissist is not in your direct eyesight. In the stand don’t make eye contact with the narcissist or address them or their lawyer directly.

Address the judge instead. This will infuriate the narcissist that they are not getting a direct reaction from you. Ignoring the narcissist is the thing most likely to goad them into a rage, causing them to unravel and show their true colours.

Remember always, what hurts the narcissist the most and causes them to expose their demonstrative personality is when their target acts as if they don’t exist and just unemotionally works with the facts. If we aren’t healed yet, this is very hard to do … absolutely. But when we have done the inner work, it gets easier and easier to know that we are simply combating a narcissist who acts like a narcissist and we need to keep all emotion out of it if we wish to win and gain our sanity, lives and souls back.

Many, many Thrivers in this community have successfully achieved this and received the custody and property settlements they desired against narcissists as a result. For inspiration and added information about how they achieved this, you may wish to google my name + Thriver Shows and listen to the topics that relate to your situation.

It is a total fallacy that narcissists can’t be defeated in court. I promise you with the Thriver Way to heal, they can and regularly are.

Okay… so the key to this really is, ‘so within, so without’, getting out of our pain, heartbreak and terror and other numerous triggers so that we can show up as the most empowered, solid and calm version of ourselves throughout all of this battle with a narcissist. This is so important for our life going forward and everything we care about as well as the wellbeing of our children. And I’d love to help you go within, release these triggers and embody your power to achieve this.

The first step is by signing up to my free 16-day recovery course. It includes an invitation to a healing workshop with me, a set of eBooks and lots more.

So, until next time, keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do.

Lots of love.

Bye Bye.


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69 thoughts on “6 Things To Look Out For During Court Battles With A Narcissist

  1. Oh Mel –

    This video made me flash back to my divorce from a narcissist several years ago. We met in college. He was sweet, charming, kind and generous.
    We dated for about 5 years before he took me on a dreamy Caribbean cruise, proposing to me on my birthday. Back at home, we had been searching for the perfect piece of property and both wanted to build the home of our dreams. Once we found the property and determined what we wanted our home to look like, I invested emotionally, financially and on a daily basis while our dream home was being built. We planned to move in a few months before we married. Very soon after the wedding, he changed drastically. He had me served with divorce papers December 23 – 5 months after we married. 2 days before Christmas! He did so merely because I asked when my name would be added to the deed on OUR home. I foolishly allowed him to deal solely with the bank for the financing, so my name was not included as a legal owner. After filing for the divorce, he quickly had his lawyer schedule a hearing with the court to have me removed from our home. The judge found no reason to do so and ordered us to both remain in the home (ughhh!) with a division of the monthly expenses according to our incomes. He then set out in earnest to do everything he could think of to destroy me. He contacted my employer in an attempt to destroy my career and income. He would terrorize me with bizarre behavior, like when he saw some crows in the back yard and insisted they were ravens sent by the devil to check on him. He started seeing other women. He cleaned out all of our accounts. He would randomly and violently throw the dog’s toys – intentionally too close to me (which was quite frightening) but when I asked what he was doing and that he stop, he nonchalantly claimed to merely be playing with the dog. In one of his violent dog toy throwing incidents, the toy he threw was hurled with such force that it made a large indentation in the hardwood floor about an inch and a half deep that landed within 2 feet of me. He even staged a very bad attempt to have me found guilty of domestic assault. I was scared half to death to be in my own home. By the time this case went to court, I was in such a state of shock, fear and total confusion that I broke down outside the courtroom. Thankfully, my attorney was patient and very reassuring, reminding me to pull myself together and help her put on the best case possible to discredit his efforts. Despite my fears and complete feeling of brokenness, fear, confusion and despair, I somehow managed to hold it together. He, on the other hand, made a total jackass of himself, lying under oath on the witness stand and his lawyer looked like a fool trying to present his client’s twisted sense of reality. I will never forget what the judge said after he testified about the staged domestic assault. She said (pounding her fist on the bench), “Mr. XXXX! That’s enough! I do not believe that you (pointing at him) could possibly be afraid of her (pointing to me)! Step down. I have heard enough! Ms. XXXX (my lawyer’s name), why aren’t you across the hall getting this charge dismissed (in criminal court)?” Ms XXXX, “I am just waiting for the transcript to be available Your Honor.”

    In the end, the court was more than reasonable and the outcome of the divorce required him to compensate me for my financial investment as well as “sweat equity” in our home, (after all I had been through, I could not live in that house), his efforts to destroy me financially and through my employment were also addressed and his behavior in court was duly noted and compensation provided for that as well. The domestic assault was not only dismissed, the record of it was expunged, completely exonerating me of the charge.

    Sadly, this was neither my first, nor my last relationship with narcissists. It was however, the only time I had to deal with one in a legal dispute and it was one of the worst times of my life. After one more relationship with another narcissist which was as emotionally devastating as the above relationship, I had had enough but still felt like i was lost in a paper bag and could not find my way out.

    Then the universe brought this life saving resource to me when I needed it most and it has finally started to make my life so much better because I am forgiving my inner self for abandoning our core beliefs, undoing the damage caused by narcissistic partners and a narcissistic mother (and trying to truly forgive them as well as myself), working every day to heal, thrive and shine as the best me I can be, because, as you always say Mel, there really is nothing else to do. Thank God for you and the incredible resources you provide. I shudder to think where I might be if not for you and your passionate commitment to helping people recover from narcissistic abuse. I have a long way to go, but I have come a long way too. Thank you!

    1. Awwww Nancy,

      My heart melts reading about your journey, courage and spirit and what you have endured and how you are so determined to break through.

      I so know that many earth angels are sent with big karmic traumas and tribulations to heal, to make it out to the other side.

      I am so happy for you and honoured that you are a part of our Thriver Tribe, and please feel my love and support from my heart to yours.

      Your glory is coming, I just know it.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      1. Hi all. I just want to say I am currently going through domestic violence court with a narcissist. I am wife number four and let me tell you how infuriating it is. I started recording him abusing me and his daughter. I gave one such recording to police as a first breach of the order and he plead not guilty….. To a recording of him abusing his daughter. His second breach he pushed me and grabbed my mouth. Then he rang the police and said I head butted him. I am 5 foot he is 6 foot. So police couldn’t breach. Then he gets an application against me. He even said that the kangaroos I raise that shit on his bed is domestic violence. I am telling the court they are a good judge of character and his is the only bed they shit on. I varied my order to oust him after he removed a table chained to the ceiling and bolted to the floor, a solid wood table. He gets served and puts in a variation to his application to get me ousted. He went off at the magistrate running me down saying my kids hate me he gets on with everyone bar me. The magistrate let him tear strips off my character and then tells him to stop and then grants the order to oust him and his girls forthwith! Forthwith I love that word I think I might have it tattoed on me. So at the moment I have filed my affidavits fighting his false order. The only thing I did do was call him a Nazi. Well he shot my dog dumped my cats gave my couches away burnt my other couches dumped another gave my electrical appliances away broke my microwave not to mention the untold words he has used to describe me and constantly says I will lose the house and live like a coin under a bridge. Now it is him homeless. I just want to say to women not recognising dynamics of dv that pet abuse main and kill destroying or giving your property away is domestic violence.

      2. Well, actually, if the Narcissist is good enough, a female, and cries abuse, while the stay at home dad has a record (nonviolent – stupid kid stuff) from 20 years ago, she can take the kids without proof. AND two years after not seeing the children out of fear of what. she will do, and what authorities believe, she lies to get a restraining order against dad, despite proof the car she claims ‘drove by and harassed her’ was stolen months ago, and video evidence places dad at his house. The courts are so clueless when the narcissist is a female, and she can just ruin people’s lives on a whim.

        1. Yes, a female covert Narcissist is very manipulative. I’ve been trying to divorce her for 4 years, got arrested and sent to jail 4 times (twice in IN and now Twice in MI). She knows how to play the court system that caters to protecting the female. She always displays an emotional show to the police and tells them he is just that calm and thinks he is cool. Then, will go on to make sure to tell them i’m bipolar so he’s just crazy. She has make scratches on herself after screaming in my face and pushing me while i was walking backwards to move away from her, caused me to fall down, trashed the house. I called police and go to jail as she had scratched her arms and supposedly had fingernail marks from me grabbing her. I didn’t yell at or touch her at all. 8 months later dismissed. Who should have to live with the crazy abuse and controls won’t let me sleep many nights.. another kind of abuse. Causes delays in court and won’t do mediation. I got frustrated and went back after 10 months of divorce and not living in my house. Now divorcing as I can’t live with my life always being put on hold by lies. There are no children, so it’s maddening. Courts need to fine those that con’t comply to the court rules and abuse the system.

  2. Hi Everyone,

    I went through a divorce with Narc in 2012. I wish, this video was available back then. My narc dragged on court battles for 3 yrs. even tho’ we did not have any children. He prayed on my fears, anxiety, intimidation with his lies and deceptions etc. I had to change 4 lawyers. No one was able to bring about the end. After praying for hours and years… I kept asking GOD to send me the answers. I turned everything over to higher power because nothing, i mean nothing was working.

    Then, through my counselor I was introduced to Mel’s work. I immediately bought her program… I worked on Mel’s quanta modules for hours and weeks…. I knew, I had a court appt coming up… I took a week of vacation and did nothing quanta healing ( for hours and days)… Finally, I released the trauma in my body and was able to end the battle in the court. These modules work… But, you have to work them. Keep working them… I mean keep doing them even tho’ you are exhausted, hopeless, fearful etc. Keep doing them. Trust me they work…

    Lastly, IF anyone is going through a divorce in California… This is the BEST attorney who helped me and truly understands what Narcissism is… Geographically, he may be out of the way (Family laws are laws in California)…go hire him…Get a phone consultation… He will get you the DIVORCE. He will help end the battle. He is TRULY an angel.

    Charles Taylor
    25050 Ave Kearny, Valencia, CA 91355

    Thank you,

    1. Hi Bria,

      I am so so pleased that after working with NARP you were able to get to the other side of this.

      Thank you so much for your recommendation too … that will be some helpful for people in your area.

      Sending you continued blessings and breakthroughs after everything that you have been through.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    2. Hi Bria! Could I mention you referred me? Is that 25050 Kearny Ave in Valencia? Do you have his number? Much thanks❗️

  3. Oh Melanie, I am so grateful for your video and message of hope. I have a major court case with my narcissist in 4 weeks time and I’ll be following your advice.
    Thank you so much for your encouragement.

  4. Hi Mel
    So much great info,,,i was broken hearted when my 16 year old son decided to stay with his Narc father for 1 1\2 years…. i was in my son’s life as must as he would allow,,,,the best part is this past July my now (18 year old) son called me” Mom can i move in with you,,Dad and i had a major falling out” i found out later that his Dad had left him 5 voice mails yelling at him,,,then 16 days latter my son talked to him,i asked my son “are you staying with me,,”Yes Mom i don’t want to go back to that Toxicity again” that night i cried into my pillow i was so proud of my son and so happy for him,,i worked so hard on healing myself that it paid off,,I found out that his Father is renting his house out and living in the old run to ground cabin ,,which means my son will be spending less time with his father,,his father is getting older 62 and getting crazier by the day LOL…..I am just so gratefull that things have worked out for my son,,and i noticed that since my son moved in there is more of a disconnect for me from his father,,why is that ????
    SO GRATEFUL Thank You for all your videos it has helped me sooooo much i have my son back can’t get much better then that !!!!!

    1. Awww Cathy,

      I am so thrilled for you and your son that you are both reunited.

      Incredible things do happen in our world when we do the healing.

      Many continued blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  5. THANK YOU so much for this post this week. I am in the midst of divorce and the narcissist and his counsel have smeared me in court and have been unbelievablly (OK, believably) abusive. Mel – your reminders are invaluable. It is unbelievably hard, but I have been working on the documentation diligently rather than focus on the insane court comments. Divorce laws in my state in the US favor the narcissist, but I will survive intact thanks to NARP support. thank you

  6. Hello Everyone,

    I am in NY. I am returning to court next week. This will start the 7th year of court battles. We were never married. We have a daughter who will turn 11 in a couple weeks. This will be the 2nd birthday I have missed and we’re approaching the 3rd Christmas apart. In October 2016 my then 9 year old daughter and I had a huge fight and she called her father to come get her. She’s never returned and we’ve never been able to discuss our issues as we’ve been separated by the courts via her father.

    Yes the Narc has played every trick and card everyone has mentioned. The abuse has been rampant for nearly 15 years. And I have been the emotional puddle that contributed to the fallout with my child. In the months leading up to her leaving her behavior was increasingly more horrible and she was validated and excused and supported by her father and his new supplier girlfriend who has no children of her own. That’s why he wanted me when we got together. Women with no children have nothing better to do than fight for his cause.

    I had found out that my then 8 year old in 2nd grade had been regularly searching and viewing extremely lewd pornography on our iPad, in addition to making a video herself with lewd statements and sexual inferences on his neighbors iPad (he was standing next to her at the time). Apparently furious was the wrong reaction and it just went down hill from there. Another mistake I made was trying and trying to communicate with her father for help with her behavior. At the time I legitimately thought as a man he would be quite concerned about his young daughter’s behaviors. Are you surprised he wasn’t? I’m not anymore but then, 5 years into court battles, I was still a fool. It just widened the divide and gave him a huge hole to pull our daughter through. Not to mention I’m sure she learned about pornography from his house since he’s an addict. That’s probably where she learned to circumvent parental controls on their iPhones and she told me their friend taught her an app to track menstruation which she didn’t even know what it was for then. Not sure what she knows now being raised by another woman and we’ve been estranged nearly 2 years.

    I gave up custody last summer because I couldn’t bear a trial and figured it would be the only way to get a break. Exactly one year prior to our fight the situation was reversed- my daughter wanted nothing to do with her father. After a failed attempt at court then, I gave in and tried to do whatever he wanted to make life easier. Of course that back fired because nothing is ever good enough no matter how much I let him manipulate a set schedule. He lied about the details of 3 vacations he took her on, 2 international. He took her to the emergency room 2x without my knowledge. My daughter has learned to see me as irrelevant. No one cares.

    I have yet to mention that this man has more money than god and a 30 year relationship with his attorney. They stop at nothing to squash me which only contributes to my emotional state. Well it did in the past. This year off has allowed me to strengthen myself which is a miracle because not only did I lose my daughter but I lost my home and the support of my family who I no longer speak to for that reason. Removing toxins from my life has helped me.

    I was seeing my daughter once a week at court ordered supervised visits, when he brought her. The law guardian thinks I’m crazy and irrational and has for years. She’s lied in court on more than one occasion which I plan to mention to the judge next week. I can’t afford an attorney and I will end up with a court appointment. It’s Davey and Goliath and always has been. No one in Family Court is serving the best interests of my child. He stopped bringing her to the visits and monthly therapy because she doesn’t want to see me or work out our issues. I believe she’s been manipulated beyond belief. I believe her little mind over the years has been warped to need his love and validation above all else. She wanted to be with him and his big house and pool and RV and cabin in the woods etc etc etc.

    It wasn’t always terrible in the 2 years we have been estranged. But I believe anytime we might have made headway that was immediately squashed at home. Part of our huge fight was she said she didn’t have to listen to me or tell me anything and she could leave whenever she wanted. We probably saw each other on average 2.5 times per month for an hour and talked about nothing more than the weather with 2 strangers in the room. She saw her counselor once per month which I never thought was enough. The rest of her time is influenced by her father and his live in girlfriend which no children of her own. They have told her I’m crazy and not a normal woman, also part of the fight that fateful night.

    She’s had the same therapist since she was 4 that I got her to deal with her parents. We saw her almost weekly. After the previous court fail when I decided if you can’t beat them then join them, we stopped going. We started again when I found the porn. Her father wanted nothing to do with therapy but ended up out of no where hijacking an appointment. I was thrilled at the time thinking he was finally taking it seriously. Nope. The two of them convinced her I was abusing my child, lied about events, and she contacted CPS about me. This also contributed to the big fight when I was being told by my child this therapist said the same things as her father. To this day she doesn’t believe me but believes my child’s monthly reports of pure bliss until the subject of her mother comes up. I fired her after CPS but then there was no therapist for 4 months. I was getting a new one with fresh eyes when I was served by the police trying to pick my daughter up at school at dismissal a few days after the fight. He had threatened to humiliate me if I went to school where I was PTO treasurer and substitute teacher and he did. He told me this when I tried to talk to my daughter after our fight. The therapist has quit now because her father stopped bringing her.

    It feels good to be able to write all this without sobbing for a change. I found a new therapist myself because the old one I was with for years discounted his behavior and felt she took us as far as she could working with my daughter’s therapist. But still wanted to bill me weekly. I’ve now been diagnosed with PTSD and am working so hard to become immune. I feel like an addict or alcoholic since I fell off the wagon this week. I texted him very sincerely asking to speak about our daughter. I really thought he might answer me. Of course he didn’t. At the end of the day he doesn’t want to pay $2500 per month in child support so it’s in his best interest for our 10 year old to hold hard feelings for her mother.

    As long as I live I don’t know that I’ll ever accept that is the kind of father I picked for my only child. It has caused great anger in me over the years manifested in horrible texts which is their ammo. He had me arrested in his driveway a few years ago when I went there looking for the child support. After that I got it put through the support collection unit and that’s when it doubled. So did his vengeance.

    Yep. That’s my life. I’m trying but I don’t ever see myself as a thriver. I don’t know how to get over it and find someone else because I am humiliated. It’s always been my mission to protect my daughter from him and I accomplished just the opposite. The good news is she doesn’t know how badly. This is the man who kicked me to the curb when I was 7 months pregnant with her. I was sick on the couch from the paint in her nursery which was also the wrong color. I woke to pots and pans being thrown around the kitchen to wake me up. That was followed by him screaming he was heading out to find someone to suck his di** and make him breakfast. I flew off the couch and punched him in the face and he called my family to come get me because of course I didn’t have my own car or my own anything.

    And I went back. I couldn’t have a baby alone. My parents were inconvenienced. I don’t know how I was ever that person. I’m only a few rungs higher on the ladder now but still….. the final straw was 4 years later, pregnant and miscarrying our 2nd child after a year of fertility. I thought I could out number him. Thankfully the lord stepped in. Kicked to the curb again for being silent and sleeping in another room with the door locked because he didn’t ask about the doctors appointment. I did that a lot because I was often woken by the covers being ripped off me or by being kicked out of bed with his two feet.

    It’s hard to forgive yourself for getting in so deep when it’s gone on for so long and cost you so much with no end in sight.

    Discovering this resource has helped me accept that it is in fact a thing although that’s of little comfort. It’s not only my life but my child’s. I’m ashamed. I do have some responsibility here. Funny that this hour I write the Today show is focusing on separation and the good and bad affects on the child.

    Thank you.

    1. Hi Missy,

      I so hope you felt some healing and release as a result of sharing.

      My heart goes out to you.

      I really do believe with what I have seen over the last decade, within this community, even though it can be as bad as it has been for you, that we can heal.

      I also know that this is deeply a soul inner being healing journey that is needed. We simply can’t resolve the unthinkable trauma, at such a level, in our mind.

      I’d love you to consider reading my inner transformational approach

      Sending so much love to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    2. So sorry for ALL the heart ache you indored over many years. Iv been going thought very similar story for 9 years. Court the 23rd and he trying to take my 6 year old son when he never even loved him. He only doing it too stop me from having my son. I raised him since day one and it’s truly painful to hear the lies he been saying about me. He only making sure everyone doesn’t find out who he truly is and cause he doesn’t want to pay child support. It isn’t fair at all. My son needs me like I need him Felt some what realived reading that someone else went thought the same story. I’m so glad u spoke proudly upon your troubles without any tears. I truly hope I can do that soon. 🙏 Thank you
      Nicole from Clarksville TN

  7. Good one! I got divorced from the Narc over 30 years ago and shouldered all the credit card debt that had gotten run up in the 4 years we were actually married. Even though he filed for divorce I ended up calling his lawyer and paying the legal bill so the divorce would be finalized. In my state at the time since the divorce wasn’t final I was still carrying auto insurance bills for the both of us. He had a horrible driving record so I was bearing the financial brunt of the insurance too!

    Then a couple years went by and I got hoovered back in and got pregnant (but didn’t marry him). Shortly after the baby was born he was back up to his old tricks. I threw him out. But of course it didn’t end. I don’t live in a common law marriage state but that didn’t stop him. He tried to go after the house that I had purchased with an inheritance while single. When that didn’t work he tried to take out a huge business loan using my house as collateral. Someone forged my name on the documents! That didn’t work either.

    I wasn’t about to go after child support. But a few years later he ended up in jail for three years and was on work release during the day. While in jail they took a portion of his pay and sent it to me for our son! The Narc’s feathers got ruffled over this but there was nothing he could do about it!

    I am truly thankful for your blog posts and all you do. I come here often and get a fresh perspective on the Narc and more importantly how to handle myself and actually start to thrive.

  8. This is very helpful and thank you many times over. Am experiencing at nearly 60 realizing that my functional blindness to tolerate the extreme narcissism of a parent no longer serves me and my eyes are opened to lifelong abuse. It is exactly like a divorce trying to determine my rights to inherit or not and to distance myself from my parent’s narcissistic behaviour – wounding and intimidating and frightening me my entire life. As I write the attorney representing the parent with regard to determine what rights I will or will not have versus the newfound minions who are currently stealing monies and family heirlooms by requesting them as “gifts” from my parent now and when this 97 year old parent dies – these thoughts give me courage to remain emotionally disengaged and to get past the learned dependence of my relationship with a parent who has robbed me of much vitality, ruined many relationships, and antagonized me during my entire lifetime.

  9. Melanie
    Completely off topic….. but to see you in winter clothing gives me hope that here in the hot, hot, dry MidWest of the USA there will be an autumn and winter soon! ;-D

  10. I am already divorced, and gave up a lot because he had me believing I would lose if we went to court, and that I could never afford it. Forward one year and we are now back in court, this time we are actually going to trial to alter the custody agreement as I refuse to back down. The year between our divorce and now was full of everything you described. He did it all. I didn’t know how I’d live with his abuse toward me and my children until they turned 18. Well, I let him dig his own grave all year, documented everything, and remained civil at all times (that was the hardest part – not firing back, and feeling helpless to save my kids). I finally set a boundary that all communication between us had to be in writing or voicemails and he hated that. No more abusing me in person where I had no proof of his words or anger. His girlfriend shows many of the same traits but is very clever in hiding it. She has unknowingly sealed his fate by her encouragement of his behavior and bad treatment of our children. Now I have proof of their actions and he has nothing on me because I have not reacted. Our kids have had it with both their father and his girlfriend and asked for their own attorney, who saw right through their dad and is crushing him. We’re not done yet, but so far it looks like I will gain sole custody, he will have to pay child support, our oldest child does not have to see him and gets to choose if she has a relationship with him or not, and our younger child will only have to see him a few days per month.

  11. Narp is truly the best way to navigate your life whether it be a personal/family/work/neighbor/friend narc connection. I have diligently worked this program for a good while and nowadays i only go to it whenever Im triggered or there is discord within……it never fails to restore my equilibrium once ive tornadoed any traumatic emotions up and out. it has totally changed my life from the inside to the outer… now meets me in totally new wonderful ways….toxics dont feature and I recognise them fast enough to walk away…..this has become a lifestyle that I value more than words can say.❤️🙏. my soul continues to evolve because i want that more than anything else😊

  12. Thanks Mel, against all odds I got through divorce from the narcissist with some money, a new home, and after much patience and detatching, a good relationship with my son. The narc and his family had stopped at nothingto try to destroy me and take my son away. Luckily, I had been working NARP for 2 years before the divorce. It was still very, very tough, but here I am in my own property with my loving partner and my son who hugged me the other night and thanked me for everything. He is 18 and I am so proud of both of us. One year ago he believed that I was a bad person and gold digger, but I stayed calm, detatched, worked on the overwhelming pain with energy and let my exampleof who I really am speak for itself; no defending myself or communication with the narcissist or minions, just a good lawyer and patience. Thank you so much Mel 💔. My son is doing great at school, working out and boxing, and tomorrow off on his first solo holiday with his friends and no narcs from the family to try to manipulate him. Delighted for him 😊. I am also recovering my health and my career. Love to all and much gratitude to this community. Xxx

      1. Thanks so much Mel💚💚💚. I continue my journey every day with energy healing and meditation. Tonight I’m taking my son out for pizza (we’re in Italy 😊).
        My partner is such a wonderful companion.
        My business is taking off.
        Of course I still get triggered, but thanks to you, I know what to do. No more contact with the narc and minions, self-care as a priority, facing all the pain that comes up to be processed, healed and releasedi.
        This is a way of life and I have forgiven all those who hurt me because I know that in this lifetime I came here to heal and be healed.
        My psychic abilities are blooming and I know that each wound was a lesson. I will continue on the NARP energy healing path for the rest of this lifetime, and I encourage anyone reading this to do this too. It is truly life changing.
        Thank you again Mel and safe journey, wherever you go. 💖💖💖

  13. Thank you Mel,
    I face my Narc, my ex husband, my rapist in court in ten days time. I have done your program and other work through being in a psychiatric hospital for 5 weeks for the Complex PTSD AND ANXIETY, as a result of the abuse. This video was like icing on the top , giving me strength. I feel like I must face the coward that did that to me , when I am on the stand, not via video link or have a screen up. I want him to see my face. So I appreciate the tip about looking at the judge. What about looking at the jury?
    There is never any winners in cases like this, he has already turned two of our four children against me, even though they are all adults it is still crushing. Win, lose or draw, at the end of this I know I can finally get on with completing my healing. But I do secretly hope this ex cop gets put in jail for this vial , brutal act.

    1. Awww Juanita,

      Sweetheart sending you power, strength and clarity.

      Yes look at the jury if it feels right to. I am so pleased you are working with NARP in this crucial time and please feel the love and support from all of us to help you succeed.

      So many blessings to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  14. Hello Mel,

    First, I’d start with expressing my gratitude for your work and how many people are touched by what you do everyday. I found your blog in Feb of 2014 when I was researching to find out what was really wrong with my marriage. I learned the word narc from your blog and the more I read about narcs, the more I realized that I was dealing with a ruthless, conniving narc who unfortunately is a trained mental heath professional. All that combined was a sure recipe for disaster.

    Over the years though, with the help of your blogs, NARP program and God, I have gradually evolved to a much better version of who I should be. I am still work in progress but have come a far ways….

    I am going through divorce now with the narcissist. Legal battles have been drawn out now for over 2 years. He was totally uninvolved with the welfare of our 2 children. However since the divorce, he has been the caring and doting father. We now have joint legal and physical custody. I still pay the children’s school tuition. We are both professionals but the narc has the moral ineptitude to file for child custody, stating that he lives below poverty line.

    He has gone to great lengths to hide real estate property that were acquired during the marriage. He wants the equity on the house all to himself, wants all assets – hidden and overt all to himself and wants me to pay the debts. I struggle when I see how totally disarmed the children are by his charm. However, I have done enough NARP work to know that I should not waste my breath trying to get his children see him for whatever he is worth. Time will tell and it will be more powerful if they find out who he really is on their own…

    About property division. This guy has lied so much, written off more than 80% of his income as business expense so that he can take everything from me. Emotionally, I am to the point that I am indifferent towards him – at least for the most part. I am thinking of just walking away and leaving everything to him. I believe that his lies, cover up and dragging out the legal process is an effort to get me hooked in and continue to suffer emotionally.

    What’s even more painful is that while he is working with his lawyer to take everything that we have, he is asking his family members to convince me to come back to our matrimonial home, stating that he loves and will do everything within his powers to have me back!!!! How twisted can someone be?? Well, I decided to no longer take calls from him or his family and everything should be communicated via emails or text..

    Mel, what are your thoughts about just giving up the fight and focusing on my healing. I have a good career (that he tried to destroy) but I know that I will be very well off without him and really need to just get him over and done with. Needless to say that since I started entertaining thoughts of just walking away a month ago, I have lost 10 of the 60lbs that I gained since the marriage broke down and I have been in a state of complete peace… which kind of tells me that I am think the right thing. But also, I am not tempted, but wonder if I should really be fighting for what I think belongs to me… is that a way to show the narc that I am healing and a life force to reckon with?? I just don’t think I will never be able to outsmart his lies and not sure if I want to. Just need to get this guy out (very difficult with co-parenting) and forge on with the bounty that life has in store for me.

    This may all sound crazy but look forward to hearing from you..

    Lots of love

    1. Hi Self-love,

      I hear you and I understand your dilemma.

      Okay … this is what I believe can bring your inner being to the true resolution – which will be either accept the deal he has put forth, cut it, have relief and freedom and rebuild … or find the solutions and power to expose it and bring it to a fair and swift settlement …

      Setting the Goal Setting Module in NARP as this ‘the direction, clarity and power for the highest and best immediate resolution of this situation.’

      If you clear all resistance in your body that emerges, I believe you will know what to do as well as how to do it.

      I hope this helps Dear Lady.

      Sending love, peace and strength to you and your children.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

        1. Self-Love You are not crazy! Ive been asking myself the very same question for the past year since I left my narc ex. He has since waged an all out war on me, and he is winning. He lured me to his apartment, attacked me, then proceeded to call 911 claiming that I attacked him! Unfortunately, the police felt my injuries didnt size up to his self inflicted scratch, and I ended being arrested. He served me with a restraining/temporary custody order for our 2 children while I was in jail, all done in collaboration with and the support of cps and the DV advocate. I have been documenting his rages and explosive behaviors towards me for months. I have so much evidence to sort through, I dont know where to start, but without an attorney I still dont stand a chance. He is out to destroy me, and Im so worn out from the abuse Im not sure I have the energy to fight. When I entertain the idea of giving up and walking away, I too feel a sense of peace. I long to feel the relief of purging him from my life forever. I can honestly say that I feel nothing for him, he is dead to me. There is no way I would ever acknowledge his presence or existence ever again. For me, the struggle is not heartache or any sort of painful residual emotions, Im just weary from the constant stressing over how I would ever be able to outsmart his level of evil with his magnificent malice and elaborate lies. Even with the extensive evidence I have against him, using it would be a huge risk. As horrible of a father as he is, I would rather my kids be with him than fall into the hands of cps. I don’t know what to do.

  15. Hi Mel,

    I am about to make a historical statement for S/A relating to my ex narcissist as I learned coming out of the relationship some time ago that there was a lot of this kind of abuse right from the get go and the blinders have come right off. I always had trouble being believed in and made to feel like what was happening or happened to me did not happen and I have this as trauma in my body not only from the abuse but it must have started young as a child I am certain. In my case it’s strong invalidation and as I have had such a focus on him for all of that abuse I have held the charges of injustice and violation in me for a very long time. I know how the process works but I really want to feel clear in my self before making this statement which I feel will really close a lot of things out for me as it’s a voice that never got to be expressed be heard to empower myself. I have the NARP but am experiencing a lot of resistance to doing it. I know though everything right now including my therapist as she is metaphysical in approach is there to help me heal my trauma because of what is going on inside.


  16. Hi Melanie!
    This is off-topic, but I’m distressed. The relationship with the n lasted 3 years, he dumped (this is indeed the correct word!) me 1,5 years ago. Long story, I have done lot of healing and recovered well. About month ago, I finally had the courage to have the first date with a new man. We walked in a park, but for me it definitely was not a “walk in the park” 🙂 I mean, I had to overcome so many fears, doubts etc…and I basically have not been interested in men at all, thought I would never be again. He was nice and normal, all ok. He kissed me, luckily didn’t suggest any sex, I wouldn’t do it with a stranger anyway.
    I’ve seen him about 5 times. Now he suddenly has disappeared. I sent one message, no answer. Then another, total silence. I’m so f*****ing angry!!
    What is he doing, giving me “silent treatment”? Is it too much to ask to behave like a human, and respond to a kind message? I’m fed up with people do not care about my caring! They just go indifferent, arrogant, ignorant. I sent only 2 messages, not like 38 messages, I wasn’t being needy or pressuring him, I tried not to become triggered and diplomatically asked how he is doing, I was worried if all is ok with him etc. and still nothing.

    This is just the reason I basically avoid relationships 🙁 I hate this kind of stupid “to be or not to be”. I intuitively feel he is not a n, I have done a lot of healing. Even is he’s not the one for me (I actually feel he isn’t), I think we could anyway be friends. I don’t know what to think about this. I was so proud of myself, my recovery, my courage to go to this date. To be smiling and wear a pretty dress, felt excited and happy, which is awesome. The n made me suicidal and depressed, I didn’t almost wanted to leave the house for months and didn’t want to meet people and certainly not men.
    I feel I’m being treated like garbage, I hate I’m in this position again (powerless) and the man is in the “power position” (be being silent and not communicating). What should I do now? I feel so angry right now, but I think it is a healthy reaction, it signals: I do not want to be treated this way!
    I feel he is not n, but is this “normal” behaviour for a man? Certainly it is not polite behaviour! 🙁 I really liked him and was interested in, but now I feel I don’t want to have nothing to do with this man anymore!

    1. Awww Julia sweetheart,

      I hear you and I totally validate your concern and pain.

      What I want to offer you is another perspective – what if the people who ‘hurt us’ are in fact Angels In Disguise tripping off our biggest wounds so that finally we can go within, find them, release them and go free from them and then never feel that pain again … as well as enter new trajectories of life that are not the old childhood traumas such as – ‘the people who are supposed to love me abandon me’….

      Dear Lady if you are ready to turn all of this around for good, I’d love to show you how –

      It’s time.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      1. Hi Melanie,

        I don’t know…about “angels in disguise”. Some people/men just behave with no respect and I think there is no “excuse” or justification for that. It’s bad and it doesn’t make it “beautiful” or any more acceptable by just thinking so, that would almost enable or allow it.

        Also when you say…”then never feel that pain again”. If I treat someone humanely, with respect and care and they respond with coldness and ignorance, how could I not feel bad about it? I mean, we are humans with feelings, even if I would do all the healing work in the world? Should we become “numb”? 🙁

        I don’t know, maybe this man did me a “favor”. I was entangled with the n, 4 years every day, if this “new” man shows bad behaviour already during the first 4 weeks… then I think that’s my clue to detach and forget about him. The “old me” would have just continue to pursue him and ignore all red flags…Maybe I indeed have learned (healed) something! 🙂

        1. Hi Julia,

          There really are two paths to heal – the logical one, or the inner transformational one whereby the concepts I talk about are felt and know when we have a shift on the inside.

          That’s the path I chose and help people with if that is their choice.

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

          1. Hi Melanie,

            I have done narp, eft, energy healing…But I don’t think all “logical thinking” is bad, I think it is equally important! For me, it is actually a way to connect with myself and my feelings, like: “now I notice that I feel bad. Is it something this man actually did, or my perception of events? Is this really true, or something that I just assume to be true?”. And so on. Before the n abuse, I did not had this kind of ability AT ALL. I was totally disconnected from myself, pretty much abandoned myself. I’m horrified to think all this now afterwards. That kind of a person is exactly what a n wants!
            I read this brilliant line somewhere: If you trust your own emotions, you cannot be manipulated. And what was the n doing…? Manipulating of course, as much as he could! (is that what “gaslighting” actually means?)
            I’ve realised something interesting. In some level I was “similar” to the n, except that I’m not. In my childhood, my dad did not allow, accept, tolerate “negative” feelings, like crying, anger, temper tantrums (which is all pretty normal to children I think!). I “learned” that some aspects of me are unacceptable, unlovable, bad and expressing them could lead to punishments (and usually did) or even the threat to become really abandoned. I think I lived most of my childhood in this kind of hidden trauma, fear, suppression and I became a people-pleaser. So I learned to “wear a mask”, scared that the “real me would be revealed”, deep shame about my “wrongness” and humaness, somehow always showing “nice” behaviour, that people would like/love me…exactly like the n! So I can see now how I became a match to a n. So my focus is/has been healing that stuff.
            I still have this irrational (or actually it is “rational”, because of my past) pressure/belief, that in order to be in a relationship and loved, I have to be “a little miss sunshine” and “Miss universe” etc., (in other words, pleasing and perfect), anything less than that will be an immediate turn-off for the man….and I’ll become abandoned (the deepest fear). So, yes, I still have some work to do, but hopefully getting there…I think just to have all this awareness is awesome progress 🙂

  17. I wish I had this information 5 years ago. Back then I didn’t even realize I was in an abusive relationship until I got out. In my mind since he never hit me it wasn’t domestic violence. I know differently now. Had I stayed there’s no doubt in my mind he would’ve began physically abusing me. I became terrified of him. He tried to take custody of my daughter when she was 11 weeks old (after repeated threats to take her away from me and say that I was an unfit mother). A week after he was born he amped up his psychological, emotional, and verbal abuse and started to become more physically intimidating. I became more and more afraid and then one day he refused to let me leave our apartment with the baby (snatching her from me) and I called the police. That’s when I really saw who I had been dealing with this whole time. He had always been cruel but he took on a whole other level of cruelty after this. I was blindsided when we got to court about the order of protection and I found out then that he filed for custody. After everything I’d been through I was an emotional wreck by the time we got to court. He walked in cool, calm, and collected. It seemed like everyone was on his side. He told so many lies. Even my lawyer seemed to not understand who he really was until it was too late. The judge (a woman with children of her own) granted him Monday through Wednesday visitation and I wanted to take my life. I was still breast feeding at the time. 5 years later and it still hurts. I think there will be a hole in my heart forever about that. All the nights I laid awake wondering where she was and if she was ok and and if she felt like I’d abandoned her. I wondered if he just wouldn’t bring her back one day since he said he would take her away. I even wondered if he would hurt her as the ultimate revenge. It was so stressful and traumatizing. People tell me to “let it go” but if you don’t know what it feels like to be separated from your baby for days and nights……. Throughout the years he’s used the visitation to harass me and continue to emotionally abuse me. He’s done so many outrageous things concerning my daugher that it would take way too long to list them all. He is now emotionally and psychologically abusive to her. It’s beginning to affect her in school. I am in the process of getting her counseling but otherwise I feel we are trapped. It is heartbreaking because I feel like I can’t protect her from him. People from the outside looking in don’t get it. They can’t see what I see in him. Since we don’t have bruises people think I’m overreacting and bitter and angry but I think he’s dangerous.

  18. Hello I’m absolutely desperate at the moment. I am going through a divorce with a narcissist I can’t even give the detail at the moment I just needed to reach out before I lose myself

    1. I am in your boat it’s hell its exhausting he gets to live in a luxurious apt no responsibility for the kids they really never ask to see him he’s been out on his own since October and Since then I’ve been asking him to set up consistent visits with the girls 117 the other 12, because they need that consistency especially with their busy schedule and he has just put me off every week every month then it was let’s wait till after the holidays or after New Year’s so after the new year I tried to address it again and I actually recorded that conversation and he just tried to gas light and manipulate so now we are almost 5 months with him out of the house still no consistent visits set up since then I’ve been asking him to set up consistent visits with the girls 117 the other 12, because they need that consistency especially with their busy schedule and he has just put me off every week every month then it was let’s wait till after the holidays or after new year so after the new year I tried to address it again and I actually recorded that conversation and he just tried to gaslight and manipulate so now we are almost 5 months with him out of the house still no consistent visits set up and he really is not engaged with the children at all I mean he text them every day but if they don’t want to see him and they’re busy he says OK and basically that’s how it goes every week my oldest daughter was excited to see his place for the first time finally after he moved out two months but she will never be going back because she asked for a key so she and her little sister can go after school and he said no because he needs his privacy I’m sick to my stomach every day and he’s going to screw me in court just like he’s smearing me around town. I’m doing my best but it’s taking a toll on my health and my physical health and my mental health children are definitely on to him which is why they don’t really see him at all but I’m still letting him hurt me I’ve got to get stronger I will pray and keep you in my thoughts as

  19. My daughter is in the midst of the hardest battle of her life. She is fighting to regain custody of her 11 year old daughter. My daughter is a early education teacher and is currently taking classes to get her masters degree. She is also a single mother of 2 1/2 year old twins. This summer she made the decision to seek employment in a larger school corporation where there will be more opportunities to advance in her career. The position she took gave her an additional $10,000.00 on her current annual salary with an addition increase the following year of $7,000.00. From the beginning of the application for the position to receiving the position was just a matter of days. When her ex husband returned from vacation she told him of her plans and with in a few days she received notification that he had filed for an emergency hearing for custody of their 11 year old daughter. In that hearing she was left to represent herself because the attorney she hired had a hearing already on that day and was denied from the magistrate in my daughters case a continuance. When she explained to the magistrate about the increase in pay and opportunity, he told her that was not a good enough reason to move. That day my daughter lost custody of my granddaughter. Since that day her new attorney has petitioned the court for a change in venue and initially was granted that motion and started the process of selection and then just last week the magistrate in the case petitioned the court for the case back and was granted his request. So we are now back to square one in this case. She not only is dealing with a narcissistic ex husband but she is also dealing with a narcissistic magistrate. Her hearing is set for Oct. 23.

  20. You have provided such great helpful information. This has all been a God send to me while I too am in the battle of my life with my ex narc. Reading just the comments have been a strange kind of help to me as well…I regret that anyone has to go thru this hell, but just knowing others are dealing with the same kind of crazy is a huge help in itself. Its so very hard to talk to people who haven’t lived it or dealt with this type of person. Those interactions always make me end up feeling worse & leave me guessing if maybe I am the crazy one? Then it causes me to further isolate myself becuz after awhile you just get tired & weary of trying to explain. I don’t even have to elaborate as I know you all just “get it”.
    Anyway I do have to use this opportunity to ask more in regard to #3…YES OMGOSH YES, getting a PFA would be so so absolutely beneficial!!! However, how the hell do you get one??? I have been harassed, threatened by the narc AND threatened, stalked, harassed & smeared so horribly by his flying monkeys , along with him wrecklessly endangering my safety as well as my childs while he was in the vehicle with his father while he tried to run me off the road. Children & Youth have been NO help, I have been to WIN 2x seeking a PFA only to be told a judge will never grant one becuz there is not enough to warrant it…more evidence BUT you can’t video or audio record without someones permission as that is against the law & a judge won’t use it. If they are sending threatening texts or calls via someone elses phone, you need to be able to prove its them sending or calling. If someone is threatening you on their behalf then you need proof that they are doing so for him. Lol the agencies that promise protection from abuse have been absolutely worthless in helping me to protect myself & our child. They want to hold my hand & give me a supportive ear but thats all they can do really!? I don’t want my hand held. I want the protection that they so heavily advocate! The police, all they hear is divorce, emotional ex & refer you to WIN unless they have actually broken the law & you gotta be able to prove it then they can do something. Easier said than done when your dealing with this type of demon who knows exactly how to dance on that legal line without leaving enough evidence to be caught. In my case its seems its going to take a hospital record or a full confession from the narc or his flying monkeys to prove what I need for a PFA. And we know Narcs are never at fault so never a chance of that happening…so if there is some magical way to obtain one of these orders against a narc, PLEASE TELL ME HOW!!!

    Thank you for all this valuable information, I hope to start my healing journey with your program asap! And thank you to all you beautiful people for sharing your experiences. My heart shares each & everyone of your burdens. As my own personal battle still rages on with full intensitity, I do still firmly believe that someday all this crap will be used for good & to help others…just as yours are doing!

    1. Hi Carrie,

      My heart goes out to you because myself and so many people in this community have been in the same situation you are.

      I really want you to know this more than anything – when things are not working on the outside, it means more than anything we have to go in and change what is going on inside of us.

      When we go they then everything starts falling into place. This is the number 1 transformational lesson of n-abuse bar none.

      I’d love to help you understand and achieve that

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  21. Mel-I have been reading your brilliant articles for three years… and I am finally on day 6 of a divorce trial fighting for 7.5 million dollars. I have been calm, detached, and detail factually oriented. So proud of my accomplishment, but not done. Day 7 is Wednesday of trial, day before Thanksgiving. I would not have gotten this far without your advice. THANK YOU!! Any last minute words of wisdom??

    1. Hi Lisa,

      You are doing such an amazing job and you are so on the right track.

      The most powerful way I know of to have wonderful outcomes is to show up as trauma free as possible, stay in calm integrity and don’t have any attachment to outcome.

      ‘No matter what I accept that the outcome is ‘for’ me and leading me to my highest and best self.’

      You’ve got this Lisa … absolutely.

      Sending you power and breakthrough.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  22. Hi everyone,
    I just discovered this blog two days ago, wish I had earlier! I have court, again, in just 4 days and I’m terrified. I know that’s not a good starting place. I still struggle even trying to put words to his patterns – constantly writing me through out the week, absurdly long and careful emails and texts and takes notes of how long it took for me to respond, what I failed to respond to… Then bam, another 250+ page affidavit appears for me to then respond to. How can he spin it that he’s the victim here? He works very part time, lives in his parents basement. He has no life but court preparation and dragging me into court. Wondering if anyone has any suggestions for how to prepare myself in such a short time? Thank you?

  23. WOW! Just finished reading this article and focused on court proceedings. I found your site weeks after it was all over. ALL I can say is how everything is here that you say. I was so blessed that I prayed and just naturally got in touch with my inner self as badly damaged as that was (still have lots of work left to do) and somehow felt led to do so many of the things you said to do. I really appreciated this article because I was beginning to wonder if I had done the right thing. I actually was thinking I might have been too harsh on my narcopath even though she attempted every one of the toxic things you said here including showing up with five “witnesses”, including the one who had served me with court papers in the middle of prayer service at church where I was seated with my head bowed in the center first row pew. Even with no children between us I had to hire an attorney because I am the guy and automatically by virtue of my sex assumed to be the perpetrator. I could hear my own voice calmly and professionally answer the questions though my heart was racing. And I could see little by little it was making a difference. These DV cases usually last about 15 minutes. Mine lasted nearly 5 hours. Rarely do you see either party take the witness stand. I was on the stand for just over 3-1/2 hours. Not to dwell on the suffering caused and I am certainly not going to elaborate on the viciousness of the attacks or lies by all 6 people. That is not why we are here and as you have often said the stories of narcissistic abuse are fairly consistent. My point is that you are so right about the results. By maintaining a professional calm demeanor, addressing her as Ms. (Last name), speaking the truth in my conviction of it and giving clear concise answers from a source deep within me the judge who usually sides against the men 85% of the time actually dismissed all the false charges against me. And yes, you could clearly see the confusion and desperation in her eyes and hear it in her voice as attempt after attempt to destroy me failed and her witnesses contradicted one another’s testimony and she was actually warned about committing perjury. I almost felt bad for her but a voice inside me reminded me to look at what she had done, how she had destroyed much of my life and what she was trying to do to me even now. That court trial, which we could have avoided had she been willing to accept the pre-trial offer, was absolutely essential to me. It was horribly uncomfortable, yes. But I had a certain peace through it all too. It showed me who she really was. It showed me who my real friends were. It resolved who the narcissist truly was. And it reminded me that my spirit had not been broken, only set aside. My heart might have been devastatingly broken but my soul was well. And I would be okay again. Most importantly it led me to your site and to order your NARP material and I can’t wait to get started and heal the remaining places I have which allow me to be drawn into co-dependence so I too can thrive. Thank you! DM.

  24. Hi Mel
    Thank you for you video. I face court today with my ex who I suffered constant mental and psychological abuse from. I am fighting to have the protection order upheld which I took out after a very severe beating that could have been fatal. In his affidavit he is trying to discredit and smear me in every way. I have been terrified knowing that I have to see him court but your advice has really helped me to centre my emotions and look at it from the angle that he is a stranger to me in that you never know a narcissus because they are never truthful.

  25. Mel

    Right now I am sitting alone in a cafe taking a break from running errands while my son is with his father for the weekend. I am crying after listening to your video about dealing with a narcissist and court. Everything you said hit home for me and hit me like a wall all of a sudden. I am currently going through a divorce from a narcissist and we and we have not made it to court yet. It was brought to my attention from a friend who divorced a narcissist that my ex husband is on. I never thought of it before until I started learning more. I have been looking for information and support systems and so glad I found your site. Thank you for all your advice and I look forward to learning more as I explore your training and blog.

    1. Hi Heather,

      I am so pleased that you are feeling that there are solutions and support here!

      Divorce is such a painful time with this type of person.

      Heather have you looked into NARP ?

      Far and away the members who work with NARP in this community have a greater edge when dealing with narcissists in divorce and legal battles.

      As well such an emotionally and practically easier time of moving on and rebuilding.

      Sending power, healing and breakthrough to you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

  26. Hello Mel
    I’m actually going through a situation myself where someone I called my best friend who is a narcissist was actually manipulating me lying to me and making me feel that I was doing something wrong. I’ve known this girl for seven years she was dating one of my friends they broke up she reached out to me to talk to her and when I met her she had marks around her neck and she told me her ex-boyfriend strangled her and put a gun to her head and said he was shoot her in the head And bury her in his backyard. So I was there for her and helped her and we became really good friends but me on the other hand was falling madly in love with her I did tell her about my feelings but she said that she just wanted to remain friends which I was totally fine with. Six years forward she lost her mother in the house she was living in had to be sold so she was looking for a house to rent she ask one of her best friends to put it in his name because she didn’t have the means to put in her name because her financial situation. Me on the other hand took off of work to help her move and to fix this house up because she was intending on buying it. I end up working on her house almost every day sleeping over sometimes on her couch sometimes she will sleep with me on the couch but it all just friends. She would have other friends come over and I would leave go home and come back the next day or whatever but one of the times I did come home I noticed she had WebCams in her house and one in her bedroom and she told me her friend talked her into getting one in her bedroom I thought that was a little strange but hey, She would have other friends come over and I would leave go home and come back the next day or whatever but one of the times I did return to her house I noticed she had WebCams in her house and one and her bedroom and she told me her friend talked her into getting one in her bedroom I thought that was a little strange but hey, One night we were drinking and she started getting a little frisky One thing led to another and we got physical and we had fun the whole night she told me she had a great time, in the process of that I thought I saw something move out of the corner of my eye and the only thing that was there was the WebCam and I didn’t think anything of it because the person who owned it with me so I let it go thinking I was seeing things, the next morning, she claimed that I got her drunk on purpose and took advantage of her that she started yelling at me telling me she can’t believe that I did that to her and I told her we have been drinking many many nights and I know when she’s drunk and when she’s not drunk and the way she was acting and talking I knew she was not drunk, The only way to stop the fighting what to tell her I was sorry and it would not happen again, But I did also tell her that when the person who I think is the most beautiful girl in the world and she made my heart skip a beat I lost all sense when she was around and she knew this started to fool around with me it was like my dreams came true I was on cloud 9-10-11 but while all of this was happening I found out that her friend broke into her webcam and watched us and took video of us, that she stopped talking to him she was devastated she said that she couldn’t trust anyone she lost both her parents she told me over and over again how she didn’t want to live and I told her don’t worry about it I will always have your back I will always be in your corner, So the next couple times we did mess around but no sex was involved but everything else, For some reason two months after that she decide to talk to the guy again her friend and when I questioned it of course she told me to mind my own business that I’m not her boyfriend it’s her life she’ll do whatever she wants and I said OK. Again we drank almost every night we were going out to dinner and she always told me she doesn’t have the money for this she doesn’t have the money for that that I was paying for everything and I didn’t mind because again I was spending time with her, one night we started messing around again she started to get more involved with it and when I told her no all hell broke out she started punching me hitting me yelling at me stating that if I loved her like I said I did we would have sex but I kept on telling her no because tomorrow morning you’re gonna wake up and yell at me again and accuse me of taking a vantage of you well of course that didn’t work she kept on insinuating it’s because I’m fat is it because I’m old it’s because I’m ugly that when I try to leave she bodyslammed me into the door and told me I’m not leaving that’s when she ripped my shirt and threw me on the couch she came over to me and she slapped me in the face I wouldn’t look at her she slapped me again and yelled at me to look at her she took off all of her clothes and kept on insinuating that I did not want to have sex with her for she was fat and ugly that after about 20 minutes of this I broke down and had sex with her, next morning all hell broke out because I took a vantage of her while she was drinking, I told her what had happened she told me she don’t remember anything she kicked me out of her house she took her key off of me and I left of course I felt devastated but she called and texted me about 50 times that day to please come back and talk about it that I did and again I told her I was sorry. We came up with an agreement that any time that that was going to happen again that I would’ve grabbed her phone and videotape her saying that it was OK to have sex that the next 10 times nothing happened because she knew she was being videotaped and couldn’t say anything. That now for some reason she is fighting with me a lot over nothing just yelling and screaming at me, that I went to her work one time and videoed and took pictures for her and I’ve done it 20 times prior to this but for some reason I did something that she embarrassed me in front of people and she would not explain what I did that when we left her work and got in her car she started punching me and hitting me choking me that when I tried to get out of her car she dug her nails into my face and pulled me back into the car that she took off but when she came to a stop sign I jumped out she started chasing me with her car all over the place I didn’t have my phone or my keys to my car because they were in her vehicle so when I got back into the vehicle to get them she started to assault me again that I jumped out again and started walking 20 miles home she caught up to me and started beating me again that all I was thinking was if the cops drove by and saw what she was doing and saw my face that they would arrest her and she would’ve lost her job that I said again I’m sorry and I got back in the car with her she drove them back to her house and I jumped in my car and I left, Again she blew up my phone she left a message saying she sorry that she did that to my face but for some reason I never got an exclamation of what I did all she said was that I jeopardized her job. This was like the third time that she’s assaulted me and I kept on coming back because I’ve never felt what I felt when I was around her and she use that to her advantage big time fast forward couple months she comes up to me and starts crying saying she doesn’t know what to do that her friend was telling her that if she doesn’t pay him back his $10,000 that he was going to put the pictures and video on the Internet and ruin her career and then she will lose her house and everything she didn’t know what to do she had the money in the bank Because she was buying a house she couldn’t take the $10,000 out of her bank because that would throw up a red flag and then not be able to get the house which I’ve heard so I believed her, She asked me if I could lend it to her for about a month or two because I knew for a fact she was buying this house that when she did she would give me the money back so I agreed 1 because I’m stupid LOL, and 2 I didn’t want this guy to have any say of anything else in her life that she told me that once she buys the house and get it out of his name that she would never talk to him again, so I gave her the money and to prove to her that I’m there in her corner until we die I thought at the time this would prove myself to her that I didn’t ask for a receipt ( I know I know the dumbest move ever ) they say you do stupid shit when you’re in love. Couple weeks have gone by I found out that she didn’t give him the money and when I questioned her about it World War III came about she called the cops on me telling them I wouldn’t leave her house that I left because I don’t want any problems and when I text her I want my money back she had no idea what I was talking about and how dare insinuate that she took money, She blocked my numbers I emailed her a few times asking her to please give me my money that now she called the cops on me for harassment, and she also put a PFA against me for three years that before we went to court she pulled up next to me and said if I fight this that she’s going to claim that I raped her and sexually assaulted her that I said how can you do that we haven’t had sex in two months and she looked me dead in the face and said I have your DNA from the last time we did and she drove off. So we went to court and I signed a three-year PFA against myself. I thought it was all over I deleted my messages my pictures of her almost everything to find out that the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania is now charging me with harassment and stalking and of course I can’t get those messages back or pictures back but I do have enough to support all the lies that she has been saying That even though I’m not being charged for sexual assault or rape but she’s going around telling people that I did, and every lawyer I talk to told me that all they want to do is get me off the stalking and harassment and I told them that I did not stalk her I haven’t talk to her since the temporary PFA went out I haven’t been around her house I haven’t followed her I never followed her or was never around her house. I want them to expose her for all the lies she has been doing and turning my life upside down, but all they want to do is deal with the stalking and harassment charges so I might have to do this myself, and she has a friend who is a police officer and he must not of investigated something because if he did I wouldn’t of been charge for stalking That he’s just taking her word for it, I also found out from a mutual friend that she was never going to get rid of that guy who was threatening her about the money, Because he’s been paying her rent and now her mortgage the whole entire time, that now I’m going to take her to court and sue her for the money that I put out on her house and the money that she owes me for working on her house and try to get the $10,000 back that I lent her for a total of over $20,000, but first I’ll take care of this criminal case which will be next month and when I’m finish then I can sue her. All this because I found out she was lying to me and because I confronted her my whole life is a complete mess but how can someone who I thought was my world do this to my world, and believe me there’s way more to the story but….

  27. Do you have anything very concise as far as approach that will help enlighten my attorney, who said she understood the narcissist, but now $20,000 in, obviously doesn’t and court dates are approaching. Thx. You’ve been a life saver on my journey. Pam

  28. What if the narcissist is my father and he is also an attorney that will be representing himself? He has threatened to take 1 if not all 3 of my children away from me, even though I have raised them for the past 15 years. I have finally gotten the courage to not put up with his abuse anymore and have separated myself from him, but I can’t seperate my children from him because they want to go see him. What advice so you have for court proceedings if they do arise?

  29. Thank you… I’m getting ready to face my ex in a court battle over custody. Because it’s ongoing at the moment I can’t write what I really want to. BUT… I am printing this out and carrying it with me as a reminder

  30. Hi there

    Nearly every advice article talking of ‘court battles’ with a narcissist, assumes this is a custody battle between partners, rather than eg a friend appearing as a court witness in the prosecution of a fraudulent, deceptive former friend.

    I’d really appreciate some guidance on this, as the courts always expect the victim to talk about the impact on the victim(s) partly to determine the accused’s punishment, based on the reach of their criminal activities.

    But repeatedly, I also read that the minute a Narc knows the impact they have had on you, that serves as Narcissistic Supply, so I feel like I’m caught between a rock and a hard place.

    For this person to meet justice, I need to show vulnerability and impact in factual terms, but that simultaneously lets the Narc feel superior and like they’ve ‘won’.

    I don’t know which way to turn in court… Can you help please?

  31. I am in a nasty divorce against a narc. I have been diagnosed on the autism spectrum and he knows how to trigger my mutism. He is also serving as his own attorney so the magistrates are giving him lots of leeway to “do things wrong”

    The last court date he called me as a witness and interrogated me for 4 hours straight, and most of what he was asking me about wasn’t even real. It was horrific. I sobbed through the whole thing and he just kept saying stuff that wasn’t even a question. I don’t know how to make it through this with him doing the interrogation of me on the witness stands. Half of my witnesses won’t testify because they don’t want him interrogating them. I am losing my mind over all of this

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