Why is it that sex with a narcissist can be soooo unfulfilling?
Why is it that after such sex you could feel completely empty, dissatisfied and used?
In this Thriver TV episode I cover this off intimately …
I also want to share with you exactly what HEALTHY soul communion sex really is, and why it is sooo different to disconnected NARCISSISTIC sex.
Let’s get personal and truthful about all of this together.
After all, we are adults.
Some time ago I wrote an article regarding narcissists and sex called 50 Shades of the Narcissist.
This described the intense hooking and addiction that occur with narcissists sexually, but it wasn’t the full story.
Sex can seem to be great with a narcissist when we are not self-partnered with ourselves, and my first article on sex with a narcissist was about that illusion and what we could heal to awaken from that trance. However, in this Thriver TV episode, I want to talk about how, when we are aligned enough to desire sexual soul communion, that we can identify the difference between narcissistic and healthy sex.
What Does Sex Mean To A Narcissist?
We know with narcissists that their greatest driver is to get narcissistic supply – meaning the energy, attention or acclaim that can momentarily grant them enough significance to escape themselves.
What this means is the narcissist’s addiction to narcissistic supply is no different to any other junkie, ‘grant me a self-medication that takes me away for a time beyond my screaming unmet unhealed inner emotional wounds.’
Sex is a very powerful way for a narcissist to do this, because that grants the ability to obtain energy, life force and copious amounts of attention from another.
Can We Truly Be Naked?
And here is the thing that many spiritual teachers have talked about, anyone can get naked with each other, but can they REALLY share their inner being? Can they be open, transparent and merge with another at the most divine and true level of love and connection?
Many people may say they would love that experience, yet it may not have happened for them yet. Many people may want that experience, yet are terrified of being so open and vulnerable, to partake in it. Narcissists, however, cannot comprehend, let alone meet another at this level, because sexual soul Oneness is never what a narcissist wants, or is even capable of.
To them, this equals a dissolving of their personality and thus themselves into oblivion. Other people in their life, including sexually, are merely there as objects to feed the narcissist’s internal master, the False Self, which cannot generate divinity on its own, let alone share it.
The Quality Of Sex We Are Having
How do we know when we are connected to someone who is sexually a devourer of life-force rather than a co-generator of divinity?
The answer is simple, our soul feels empty afterward. Regardless of whether we had an orgasm or not, something feels missing, incomplete or even ‘wrong’.
We may not want to think we were used to feed this person’s ego, without any care for our heart and soul, because this isn’t what we thought we were signing up for. But this is why we are left feeling this way.
And here is where we can get very real with ourselves regarding the quality of sex that we desire and what we are really aligning with. If we start relationships from a position of lust, without getting to know someone’s character and values and creating a platform of healthy connection with them prior to sex, then (especially if we have unhealed childhood and relationship wounds) we could be very prone to getting into a sexual relationship with a narcissist.
In a heterosexual sense, a female narcissist may be passionately performing so that she ensures your wallet will cater to her superficial egoic needs. Or maybe she’s using you to punish another lover who isn’t granting her everything she wants.
If your lover is a narcissistic male, he could be using you as a fling or someone to punish the current or ex-lover with. Or maybe he has decided how you look and what you offer fulfils his ego enough to want you as his current relationship partner.
Of course, gay narcissistic lover agendas can contain all of this, and more, as all versions of narcissism can.
You need to be very aware of who you are connecting with because the truth is narcissistic people are rarely NOT in sexual relationships. They frenetically seek them as if their life depends on it because emotionally it often does. Most narcissists desperately need an ‘intimate partner’ for regular narcissistic supply and feel dead on the inside if they are not in a relationship. Narcissists do not have their own real identity, they must always be feeding off someone else’s.
Therefore, if a relationship is struggling, they will start searching for new sources of narcissistic supply on the side. If a relationship ends, they are out dating again by the time you have boiled an egg, regardless of their professions of love.
Even in a ‘committed’ relationship, their extra curriculum is usually affairs and porn. It’s just how narcissists roll.
A narcissist may call sex with whoever it is at the time as ‘making love’ but how it feels to the other person will be the true authority.
Let’s look at the difference between narcissistic sex and true sexual soul communion.
• ‘Compliments’ you with fantasies and objectifications about you, rather than relating to you as a person.
• Sexual initiation is approached in emotionally disconnected and ‘entitled’ ways, such as grabbing your genitals or shoving one’s tongue down your throat.
• May manipulate you into sexual acts with them against your will, such as take your hand and put it on their genitals.
• Sexual communication includes objectifying your body parts, not necessarily sexual, leaving you feeling reduced to ‘a thing’ rather than a valued human. Other comments are made during sex that feel ‘weird’ ‘perverted’ and ‘off’.
• Due to porn addictions and getting stimulated from non-connected sex, a male narcissist may not be able to sustain an erection without chemical help such as Viagra.
• Due to getting stimulated from non-connected sex, a female narcissist may not be able to sustain arousal without play-acting, talking dirty or other auto-erotic stimulation.
• The sexual act itself lacks lovingness, finesse, connectedness and tenderness.
• You are used as an object for the narcissist to masturbate with.
• Narcissists speed up to gain friction to orgasm, rather than feeling conjoined and connected to climax.
• A disconnect is felt after the sexual act, and you feel empty, non-cherished and even used and violated.
Please know in no shape or form am I a prude or have any judgement whatsoever about who with or how you have sex. Also, sex in a soul connected ways does not always have to be just slow and tender! However, it really is my belief that if we desire a true soul and sexual communion that there is a need to give up lustful sexual connections for the sake of them. If you desired a healthy body and mind would you have junk as your food of choice?
If we start having sex with people believing we are having a relationship with someone who doesn’t have the same values, who isn’t really a nice person, and who we would never dream of choosing as a close personal friend, then why on earth would we think we could have happy, healthy, sacred love-making with them?
The truth is we can’t.
Now let’s look at healthy soul love-making.
• Compliments are made by addressing you as a person, like “Babe, honey, (Your name) you look fantastic/lovely/beautiful.”
• Sexual initiation is approached in emotionally connected and loving ways. Such as a genuine hug, a tender rubbing of your back or a sensual or passionate kiss.
• Includes tenderness and gentleness with a genuine intention to please and meet a partner where they wish to be sexually met.
• Your soul and body are cherished during the love-making process.
• Comments during sex are made that feel loving, connected and healthy. They heighten feelings of sexual and soul communion.
• Sexual arousal can be maintained in slow, sensual love-making as well as faster intercourse.
• Orgasm is reached through deep soul communion. Connection intensifies before and during the climax.
• The cuddling and conversation after love-making contain feelings of bliss and connection, and you feel satisfied, glowing, safe and cherished.
How Do We Choose Sexual Partners Healthily?
Love-making at this level is only possible when we are whole and healthy enough to take our time with people to get to know them first. Then we can know that we are connecting with someone else who is whole and healthy enough to have healthy love and love-making with.
Narcissists are empty, needy and disordered. They simply do not have this capacity. You are merely an object for them to get off with.
Be very aware that past behaviour, as well as these following sexual signs, are very real red flags.
Does this person have a past of adultery, porn addiction, and lying to exes about other sexual partners? Have they treated past people as sexual objects for their own gratification, even knowingly at other people’s expense without conscience?
If this person admits to this behaviour, it doesn’t mean they are reformed. If they say they will stop or have stopped that behaviour, you will generally be shocked to find out in the future that they can’t and won’t.
In order to align with true love and sex that will nourish and flourish your soul instead of tear it down, I strongly suggest leaving sex out of it initially. Date and court each other as friends and potential lovers and take your time.
And, ask yourself these questions before becoming sexually involved with someone:
• Is this a person who I share aligned values with?
• Is this someone who I would love to have as a best friend?
• Is this someone who I believe is a beautiful, true and good person?
• Can I see myself, plus my family and friends, spending wonderful time with this person?
• Is this a person who adds to my spirit or drains it?
• Do I look up to and respect this individual?
How will you know until you take your time to find out? The truth is you can’t … Real sexual connection depends on soul connection first, truly, and this is why we should never compromise it.
I hope this really helps and if you want to get solid and real enough to connect with your healthy true and divine lover, I’d love to help you heal beyond narcissistic love and sex. And the first step is by signing up for my free 16-day course.
I really look forward to answering your comments and questions about this VERY candid topic!