Why is it that sex with a narcissist can be soooo unfulfilling?
Why is it that after such sex you could feel completely empty, dissatisfied and used?
In this Thriver TV episode I cover this off intimately …
I also want to share with you exactly what HEALTHY soul communion sex really is, and why it is sooo different to disconnected NARCISSISTIC sex.
Let’s get personal and truthful about all of this together.
After all, we are adults.
Video Transcript
Some time ago I wrote an article regarding narcissists and sex called 50 Shades of the Narcissist.
This described the intense hooking and addiction that occur with narcissists sexually, but it wasn’t the full story.
Sex can seem to be great with a narcissist when we are not self-partnered with ourselves, and my first article on sex with a narcissist was about that illusion and what we could heal to awaken from that trance. However, in this Thriver TV episode, I want to talk about how, when we are aligned enough to desire sexual soul communion, that we can identify the difference between narcissistic and healthy sex.
What Does Sex Mean To A Narcissist?
We know with narcissists that their greatest driver is to get narcissistic supply – meaning the energy, attention or acclaim that can momentarily grant them enough significance to escape themselves.
What this means is the narcissist’s addiction to narcissistic supply is no different to any other junkie, ‘grant me a self-medication that takes me away for a time beyond my screaming unmet unhealed inner emotional wounds.’
Sex is a very powerful way for a narcissist to do this, because that grants the ability to obtain energy, life force and copious amounts of attention from another.
Can We Truly Be Naked?
And here is the thing that many spiritual teachers have talked about, anyone can get naked with each other, but can they REALLY share their inner being? Can they be open, transparent and merge with another at the most divine and true level of love and connection?
Many people may say they would love that experience, yet it may not have happened for them yet. Many people may want that experience, yet are terrified of being so open and vulnerable, to partake in it. Narcissists, however, cannot comprehend, let alone meet another at this level, because sexual soul Oneness is never what a narcissist wants, or is even capable of.
To them, this equals a dissolving of their personality and thus themselves into oblivion. Other people in their life, including sexually, are merely there as objects to feed the narcissist’s internal master, the False Self, which cannot generate divinity on its own, let alone share it.
The Quality Of Sex We Are Having
How do we know when we are connected to someone who is sexually a devourer of life-force rather than a co-generator of divinity?
The answer is simple, our soul feels empty afterward. Regardless of whether we had an orgasm or not, something feels missing, incomplete or even ‘wrong’.
We may not want to think we were used to feed this person’s ego, without any care for our heart and soul, because this isn’t what we thought we were signing up for. But this is why we are left feeling this way.
And here is where we can get very real with ourselves regarding the quality of sex that we desire and what we are really aligning with. If we start relationships from a position of lust, without getting to know someone’s character and values and creating a platform of healthy connection with them prior to sex, then (especially if we have unhealed childhood and relationship wounds) we could be very prone to getting into a sexual relationship with a narcissist.
In a heterosexual sense, a female narcissist may be passionately performing so that she ensures your wallet will cater to her superficial egoic needs. Or maybe she’s using you to punish another lover who isn’t granting her everything she wants.
If your lover is a narcissistic male, he could be using you as a fling or someone to punish the current or ex-lover with. Or maybe he has decided how you look and what you offer fulfils his ego enough to want you as his current relationship partner.
Of course, gay narcissistic lover agendas can contain all of this, and more, as all versions of narcissism can.
You need to be very aware of who you are connecting with because the truth is narcissistic people are rarely NOT in sexual relationships. They frenetically seek them as if their life depends on it because emotionally it often does. Most narcissists desperately need an ‘intimate partner’ for regular narcissistic supply and feel dead on the inside if they are not in a relationship. Narcissists do not have their own real identity, they must always be feeding off someone else’s.
Therefore, if a relationship is struggling, they will start searching for new sources of narcissistic supply on the side. If a relationship ends, they are out dating again by the time you have boiled an egg, regardless of their professions of love.
Even in a ‘committed’ relationship, their extra curriculum is usually affairs and porn. It’s just how narcissists roll.
A narcissist may call sex with whoever it is at the time as ‘making love’ but how it feels to the other person will be the true authority.
Let’s look at the difference between narcissistic sex and true sexual soul communion.
Narcissistic Sex
• ‘Compliments’ you with fantasies and objectifications about you, rather than relating to you as a person.
• Sexual initiation is approached in emotionally disconnected and ‘entitled’ ways, such as grabbing your genitals or shoving one’s tongue down your throat.
• May manipulate you into sexual acts with them against your will, such as take your hand and put it on their genitals.
• Sexual communication includes objectifying your body parts, not necessarily sexual, leaving you feeling reduced to ‘a thing’ rather than a valued human. Other comments are made during sex that feel ‘weird’ ‘perverted’ and ‘off’.
• Due to porn addictions and getting stimulated from non-connected sex, a male narcissist may not be able to sustain an erection without chemical help such as Viagra.
• Due to getting stimulated from non-connected sex, a female narcissist may not be able to sustain arousal without play-acting, talking dirty or other auto-erotic stimulation.
• The sexual act itself lacks lovingness, finesse, connectedness and tenderness.
• You are used as an object for the narcissist to masturbate with.
• Narcissists speed up to gain friction to orgasm, rather than feeling conjoined and connected to climax.
• A disconnect is felt after the sexual act, and you feel empty, non-cherished and even used and violated.
Please know in no shape or form am I a prude or have any judgement whatsoever about who with or how you have sex. Also, sex in a soul connected ways does not always have to be just slow and tender! However, it really is my belief that if we desire a true soul and sexual communion that there is a need to give up lustful sexual connections for the sake of them. If you desired a healthy body and mind would you have junk as your food of choice?
If we start having sex with people believing we are having a relationship with someone who doesn’t have the same values, who isn’t really a nice person, and who we would never dream of choosing as a close personal friend, then why on earth would we think we could have happy, healthy, sacred love-making with them?
The truth is we can’t.
Now let’s look at healthy soul love-making.
Healthy Love-Making
• Compliments are made by addressing you as a person, like “Babe, honey, (Your name) you look fantastic/lovely/beautiful.”
• Sexual initiation is approached in emotionally connected and loving ways. Such as a genuine hug, a tender rubbing of your back or a sensual or passionate kiss.
• Includes tenderness and gentleness with a genuine intention to please and meet a partner where they wish to be sexually met.
• Your soul and body are cherished during the love-making process.
• Comments during sex are made that feel loving, connected and healthy. They heighten feelings of sexual and soul communion.
• Sexual arousal can be maintained in slow, sensual love-making as well as faster intercourse.
• Orgasm is reached through deep soul communion. Connection intensifies before and during the climax.
• The cuddling and conversation after love-making contain feelings of bliss and connection, and you feel satisfied, glowing, safe and cherished.
How Do We Choose Sexual Partners Healthily?
Love-making at this level is only possible when we are whole and healthy enough to take our time with people to get to know them first. Then we can know that we are connecting with someone else who is whole and healthy enough to have healthy love and love-making with.
Narcissists are empty, needy and disordered. They simply do not have this capacity. You are merely an object for them to get off with.
Be very aware that past behaviour, as well as these following sexual signs, are very real red flags.
Does this person have a past of adultery, porn addiction, and lying to exes about other sexual partners? Have they treated past people as sexual objects for their own gratification, even knowingly at other people’s expense without conscience?
If this person admits to this behaviour, it doesn’t mean they are reformed. If they say they will stop or have stopped that behaviour, you will generally be shocked to find out in the future that they can’t and won’t.
In order to align with true love and sex that will nourish and flourish your soul instead of tear it down, I strongly suggest leaving sex out of it initially. Date and court each other as friends and potential lovers and take your time.
And, ask yourself these questions before becoming sexually involved with someone:
• Is this a person who I share aligned values with?
• Is this someone who I would love to have as a best friend?
• Is this someone who I believe is a beautiful, true and good person?
• Can I see myself, plus my family and friends, spending wonderful time with this person?
• Is this a person who adds to my spirit or drains it?
• Do I look up to and respect this individual?
How will you know until you take your time to find out? The truth is you can’t … Real sexual connection depends on soul connection first, truly, and this is why we should never compromise it.
I hope this really helps and if you want to get solid and real enough to connect with your healthy true and divine lover, I’d love to help you heal beyond narcissistic love and sex. And the first step is by signing up for my free 16-day course.
I really look forward to answering your comments and questions about this VERY candid topic!
I can totally relate to this. With a previous and non narcissistic partner, I remember how long we spent gazing deeply into each others eyes, gauging the other person’s responses and emotions. With my narcissistic husband, everything was more mechanical, zero spontaneity. During sexual relations as it was as though part of me reached out and found a blank space instead of another soul. It’s hard to describe but shortly before I left him, I had the distinct impression that on the other side of the bed was an empty husk, not a person.
Hi Clara,
Thank you for your share. I also experienced profound differences in’connection’.
Many blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
My narcissistic partner he was violent most of the time, he gets placers when he saw me bleeding from my back, I was feeling like a was being rape, most of the time was horrible, I really don’t want to have sex with him, and when we have sex we can be hours, before we stop! Now I feel so stupid, but with him on the top of me I feel like I don’t have to much option, because when I try to push him away, he was worse more violent with his sex! But I’m more relax on this moment, his not with me no more!
Thank you for listening and God bless you Melanie 🙏🏻
Hi Laura,
I am so pleased you are out.
You are very welcome and sending you big hugs and healing.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
My experience was 11 months of teams sex. Started as role playing 50 shades. Then it went to rape and as far as I had a hysterectomy and he wanted to do it 12 days after.. yes, I am stupid. It was so painful mentally and sexually and he got off on it and he loved the fact that I was bleeding…
This guy is a psychopath inhabited by demons (archons/reptilians), they love blood and hurt. It might get worse in time.
I’m so sorry he harmed you!! 😢
My narcissist was impotent with me, I found out he was going out 3 or 4 times a week, maybe more with multiple ybe more,both sexes, orgies,. People he didnt know. Men ,woman, and animals, even killing animals for self plessure. I found them in coolers in the basement. It was aweful and the porn addiction was everyday mostly all day long. Degrading me, spitting on me, a yr and a half and we never had sex one time. He used viagera, stimulators, and dating sites, and had did all his life. I was faithful monogamous. He promised to stop, but couldn’t. In additionally, he did not believe in God, was a meth addict and alcoholic, which later I discovered. He tried hiding it all and made me believe I was crazy and it wasnt until he fled did I see him for what he was. It is so painful. For a long time, I thought something was wrong with me. He settled for anyone. I consider myself attractive, in shape, and could turn most mens heads, but with him I felt invisable.He was always looking at everyone but me. Aways flirting, wanting women to pay attention to him. Even talked in Spanish TO WOMAN IN FRONT OF ME that I could not translate, admitting he was complimenting them in a way that was not appropriate. HE IS GONE, put the pain is still there, Along with the physical and emotional abuse. A.h.
Omg, that’s next level psychopath! And drugs open you up to other dimensions, just like killing. Sounds like this guy is demonic (archons/reptilians) and searching for more gratification to still is empty void. This is a very dangerous predator.
I’ve met narc drug addicts who got addicted to more perverted stuff overtime. This happens in secret societies as well and they move on to children and murder.
I hope you are safe, but creatures like him shouldn’t exist. Especially if he damages and kills innocent beings.. 😢
I felt empty after sex with my ex narc. He was cold and distant immediately after his needs were met. I dont miss this at all. It was totally one sided.
My first N-husband masterbated often. Sex made him feel too vulnerable he once told me.
My second one was not interested AFTER we were married. I had to beat him off with a stick before. He had a pattern of not giving me the things he knew I enjoyed. UGH!!!
Yes empty husks.
great video! I’ve struggled for years to deal with a profound sense of violation as a result of a 12 year relationship with someone with NPD (undiagnosed); part of me feels like I was raped repeatedly, but another part of me thinks that I’m just being melodramatic and OTT. I’ll definitely keep this video handy for quick reference as I strive to live in a way that honours the part of me that, for years, I allowed to be forced into the shadows.
My ex-husband would often viciously PUNCH the pillow next to my head about two seconds after he climaxed. He would then abruptly leave the room and go shower and then be very distant with me for hours afterwards. I always felt used and hollow, but also guilty because he said that ever there was never ANY foreplay, NONE except those few intrusive kisses). If since he found out that I had had a one night stand (before I had ever met him) I ruined our relationship and sullied his opinion of me. He learned this information after we had been dating for 6 weeks, I stayed with him for 12 years. He always held it over my head and made me believe that I had devalued myself by having a one night stand and so our relationship could never be the celestial dream that it was would have been had I not had a one night stand years before I ever met him.
I never thwarted his advances when he initiated sex (though it was always in creepy ways – tongue down throat, “bedroom eyes” etc If I had thwarted his advances I would have been called names and then ignored for days.
What was I thinking??
*forst post got mangled and I can’t edit! 😱
great video! I’ve struggled for years to deal with a profound sense of violation as a result of a 12 year relationship with someone with NPD (undiagnosed); part of me feels like I was raped repeatedly, but another part of me thinks that I’m just being melodramatic and OTT. I’ll definitely keep this video handy for quick reference as I strive to live in a way that honours the part of me that, for years, I allowed to be forced into the shadows.
My ex-husband would often viciously PUNCH the pillow next to my head about two seconds after he climaxed. He would then abruptly leave the room and go shower and then be very distant with me for hours afterwards. I always felt used and hollow, but also guilty because he (my future husband) learned that I had had had a one night stand long before ever meeting him (my future husband) and he said that knowing that destroyed any hope for real happiness, so sullied was his opinion of me. He learned this information after we had been dating for 6 weeks, I stayed with him for 12 years. He always held it over my head and made me believe that I had devalued myself by having a one night stand and so our relationship could never be the celestial dream that it would have been had I not had a one night stand years before I ever met him.
I never thwarted his advances when he initiated sex (his advances were always in creepy ways – tongue down throat, “bedroom eyes” etc) If I had thwarted his advances I would have been called names and then ignored for days.
What was I thinking??
Hi Mary,
What you have been through is awful, and it’s no surprise after that alone,, as well as all the other things that go with narcissistic behaviour that it’s been a struggle to heal.
Have you connected to my free inner healing resources yet? I promise that these resources are a game changer to how we can heal.
The first step is here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thanks Melanie ❤️
Mary I can really identify with you, I felt emotionally raped continuously. My ex husband would initiate sex and I would say I was too tired (just in from a late evening shift and having our 2 and 4 year old girls all day at home alone) he would persist, say that I didn’t love him if I didn’t, hands would be all over me, bedroom eyes, tongue down my throat etc. And then he would leave me alone till I had just fallen asleep and wake me for the same all over again repeatedly until eventually maybe 4 or 5 in the morning I would just give in and he would have sex with me in a matter of seconds and roll over and fall asleep leaving me crying. (He wouldn’t even realise I was crying) Then he would wake for work laughing smiling, cracking jokes and whistling as if nothing had happened! If I tried to explain how disconnected and unsatisfied I felt he would say it was because I was abused as a child, everything got blamed on me because I was over sensitive, weak and damaged. I made an attempt to end the marriage after 8 years but took him back cos he had a nervous breakdown and I felt sorry for him and thought he loved me. This was followed by huge grand gestures landing us in a lot of debt. I finally got out after 21 years and couldn’t be happier now. Have stumbled on Melanie recently and everything is finally making sense.
Thank you for sharing
Hi Louise,
Thank YOU for sharing. I’m sorry you experienced what you did. If you’re anything like me, it took a long time to realize the extent of the abuse I suffered. I was with him for 12 years and now that I’ve been single for 6 years, I’ve only recently started to understand how terrible the abuse was. I had a good cry this morning on the way to work as I thought back on some of the many traumatic sexual experiences I had as a result of him. I didn’t deserve to be treated that way!!!! But I didn’t know that at the time. Someone comments below that the only way to prevent N abuse is through self love. I believe that 100%. I’m trying to teach my daughter it’s importance while also trying to live by the rules. It’s tough, but we can do it, look how far we’ve come already!
I wish
I wish you peace!
Hi Susan,
Thank you for your post and bere’s to happy, healthy sex and love!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I think that is what is so confusing about narcissistic abuse especially when involved with a covert. I had the connected sex which was very fulfilling for 8 years. Then after being devalued and discarded, I became an object and the sex started making me feel used as described in this video. It’s so hard to let go when you remember the feeling and connection you once had, or thought you had. Healing is a long and winding road and very confusing at times. Healing prayers for all!
Hi Sheryl,
That’s so great you are on your healing path … sending continued blessings and breakthroughs to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I was wondering if anyone else had been through that pattern. 🙁
i was with my ex for five years. he’d once told me he’d been Dx with ASPD, and i utterly blew that off, because i thought he was this victimized empath… even though he’d _admitted_ to cheating on his ex-wife with her BFF (or rather the woman she *thought* was her BFF). he had a way of making it all seem/sound like her fault. i felt sorry for him because he’d had this horrible marriage. we really seemed to connect… until i moved 800 miles to live with him. then suddenly everything got rocky, including sex. it was like the connection (from week-long visits and time online) just disappeared. i tried and tried to get it back, but some months later caught him a bunch of lies, including finding out he’d stolen items from my home, and begun seeing someone else. i blamed myself, for being demanding, for “crowding” him, for being too controlling. i realized, much later, he encouraged that. even after i left, trying to “stay friends”, it took me a month to catch him in another blatant lie and go no contact. i still – when i look back, which isn’t often- sort of feel like i was in two different relationships: BM and AM (Before Move and After Move).
so you’re not alone.
Oh yeah, so totally relate to what you went through! It’s maddening to be shown their “best” side, and then spend sometimes years trying to get back to those times, which generally only last a few months or maybe a year. Ugh. And yes, it’s precisely when the relationship gets real, in the day-to-dayness of it, that they lose interest because it’s not all unicorns and butterflies every minute; there’s taking out the trash, feeding the dog, getting the car fixed, waking up with the flu.
Yes, that’s when Mr. Perfect “leaves” (physically or otherwise) and starts seeking out more stimulating supply behind your back. I don’t even like using clinical terms for all this anymore, like “he’s an intimacy avoidant” because all that seems to do is enlist our empathy even more, and we run around to try to find them the perfect therapist, couples counseling, etc…to get back to what we thought was a blissful relationship.
Whether they’re intimacy-avoidant or not, they ARE just emotionally immature and habituated to having everything be sparkly and new and shiny, all the better to reflect fabulousness back to their empty shell of a being, or else they lose interest.
Wish there was a way to discern this ahead of time, but those covert narcs are so good at play-acting the “empath” themselves, we never see it coming.
Glad you are out of there. Me, too. Dumped for someone “shinier” and newer, but it took years to see what a blessing that really was in disguise. Finally free. Learning how NOT to pick another one of these camouflaging experts.
I have been married to my narc husband for the past 13 years.
He was extremely verbally abusive, refuses to be intimate with me. I often caught him wanking to images of young teens, and porn.
I am his first ever relationship. And like a moth to a flame, I was smitten by his charm. He was 32 years then, now he is 46 yrs old. I am a lot older than him. I had everything, job, my own fully paid apartment in Sydney. He talked to me in moving to gold coast . I sold my apartment, and moved for a better life?? How stupid was I. I have suffered anxiety, depression, causing me other physical illnesses.
This Valentine’s Day, he abandoned me and went computer gaming place , all day and all night.
I am financially stuck, don’t have a job also i am taking care of my elderly sick mother.
I am so desperate to find a solution. I do not have even one friend here. I feel so lost and alone.
I am so happy that some people are able to leave their narcs. I wish to know how I can leave him.
My narc husband always makes sure all my physical needs are met, and always happy as long as I don’t bring upon any of these issues.
Abby,
You can and will get through this. Find a NARC group near you to connect with. Or a women’s church group. There is nothing more powerful than women believers linking arms and surrounding you with prayer and support.
I too have been married to a similar guy. We divorced. And I ended up back in a relationship with another person even worse than my ex. I am on the journey to heal myself inwardly and find my true self. You can do this too. One step at a time. One day at a time.
Sex with my husband went like this; for him to perform he demanded for me to give him oral sex so he could get sexually excited and when he got excited he would try having intercourse with me but he couldn’t preform because he would go limp and then he would make me do this over and over until I was literally mentally exhausted and it was a real chore from trying to have sex with him; he would blame me telling me I wasn’t good enough. After multiple times of his attempting to try to perform, I told him I was no longer going to have sex with him since “I wasn’t good enough” and I don’t think he ever thought I would stick to my guns ; it has been about 5 years since I had sex with him. Now that I think about it; It was really bizarre because he was watching porn all the time and was treating me like the women in the porn movie . He was blowing air in my ear telling me this is what women like and spitting his saliva in my vagina to get me ready for the act and pulling my hair as we had sex, on and I could go on and on.
He would always demand sex and there was a price to pay if I didn’t comply . To be honest I don’t know how I ever did it. I’m still married to him, we are both age 68 and I now sleep in another bedroom which is my sanctuary . He doesn’t try to have sex with me anymore for which I’m grateful but he actually gets very angry at times telling me he wants to have sex and when I remind him why I don’t want sex with any more and remind him what he said to me, he just shrugs it off and never says he’s sorry and of course he doesn’t ever apologize ; usually he gives me the silent treatment for days or weeks like a child and I just ignore him and I go on with my life or he lashes out verbally and sulks and treats me bad and I tell him again I will not be having no more sex with him and when he threatens to get a divorce, I tell him I agree we should get a divorce (figuring it would be easier for the Narc to make the first move because they don’t like rejection) but then after a week or two he forgets about it and life goes on. I figure if I make it harder on him he will want to leave. Honestly I wish I would of left many years ago but he always threatened me if I would try to leave. I waisted my whole life away but he always threatened me telling me he would ruin me financially. He has agreed to put our home on the market next year to sell and I told him when this sells we are going our separate ways. It’s been worse this year in 2020 because of COVID. I’m just so glad there is these sites about narcissism and now I’m learning to cope and get a lot stronger and get the hell out of this horrible relationship. Thank you for all these article on Narcissism.
My x was so selfish and boring. Zero compliments…. onward abs upward. Thank you dear! ❤️
You are welcome Andrea,
You are doing great!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Wow, this is such an important topic and I feel moved to comment with my differentiating experience in case there are others out there for whom it will resonate. I thought I had read/ heard that narc. sex was off the charts great. In my specific experience it did feel like the best ever and we called it our three-way with the Divine. So, all of that eye-gazing and feeling cherished, slow, orgasmic rather than just goal-oriented fast and cuddling and talking for hours was all happening. I felt adored and desired to the extreme. I enjoyed lovely massages and having my body oiled after a bath maybe every other day. I felt in deep surrender and soul-connected more than ever. I thought I had won the lottery and gone to heaven with the perfect beloved for the rest of my life, because this was part of the love bombing, idolization, future faking, and love making typically every night and every morning and sometimes a third time during the day. He told me how crazy he was about me, how beautiful I was, how grateful he was to have found me and how he’d never know love before me and how sure he was of spending the rest of our lives together, twin flames from past lifetimes, on and on daily. He’s a bit famous as a beautiful writer, so there was even book dedicated to me with this in there. His love notes to me were shared with his online following and turned into prints, books, cards, et al. (so maybe part of the supply was to be muse for his monetization). It can be so crazy-making- even watching your video made me wonder again- maybe he wasn’t a narc. But I think he was/ is. And we need to not have confusing, rose-tinted glasses on anymore! When the shocking discard happened, and I started learning about NPD and phrases like “soul rape” I felt horrified that the most beautiful soul connection, three-way with Divine lovemaking of my life could have been like being someone’s blow up doll for two years. In counseling sessions I reframed this as MY EXPERIENCE was My experience- and could still be beautiful divine connection, even if the other person was in an act/ false identity. I also wonder if he believed and felt all the things he said and did in those moments, as if he was totally caught up in the movie character he was playing. In this moment, writing I am taking deep breaths… it’s not easy to stir this stuff up again, but it feels important for our collective healing/truth sharing. My NPD was charming, altruistic- still appears as the most beautiful soul for all his instagram fans. Now (after 3 yr 7 months of recovery/ thriver journey) I’m proud of so much deep inner alchemy work I have done to re-mother, self source extreme unconditional LOVE into every part of my human condition that felt unwanted, shattered, ashamed, violated. This was the soul contract. On that mystical level I CHOSE this “angel in disguise” to surface the buried wounds. I just began dating a bit, and had a good round of healing/ integrating my illogical inner teenager.. including encouraging her to never be interested in someone that is not fully intereseted in her (mommy wound, unwanted pregnancy). I am now much more aware of the delicate distinctions of my authentic Queen energy rather than the wounded girl in a queen costume still trying to get love from something outside. I’m grateful to be alive and have a chance to create a life I shall be proud of and shall contribute to the evolution of consciousness. There was a morning back in the dark night of the soul era where I said to the Beloved “I can’t do this. Show me Real Love now or kill me today. Take me home.” Somehow I bumped into Rumi, Hafiz, Teresa of Avila poetry that day with the same words as what I’d been writing- and I felt OK, I’m not just going crazy, western society suicidal. I am in a mystical alchemy for a greater purpose and may I hang in there for this ride through the fire. And I did, and I still am every day. I am so much stronger and resilient and committed to being a stand for Real LOVE in this world, to have the Source of infinite Love be what is running the world instead of our false fears. I do want to attract an honest to God lover – beloved partner who is the real deal. I know that my safety and my sexuality are 100% my responsibility and sacred gift to share. I love lovemaking. I don’t want to be an enlighted eunich or scared, confused inner teen. I pray that my Queen will continue to emerge and draw in a worthy King. Here’s a poem that came through back in the shattered times: “I am the radiant Queen. I am the soul mate of my soul. I am beholden to the Beauty. I am the keeper of the whole.” May we love all of our woundedness so much that we all rise and shine and reclaim our true Beauty, Sacred Sexuality, Surrender to the Divine and let the Power of Real LOVE reign throughout the land. 🙂 much love to all of you in this courageous journey.
Dear MLB
Thank you so much for your comment. I felt it very much and felt your struggle and the beauty of what’s happened to you.
How wonderfully you write and how clear you have become.
I am early on in the NARP journey and I am looking back at what happened in my relationships, huge devastation.
I like you wanted to journey this life with my outside beloved but am now realising the inner journey is my focus just now.
Reena xxx
I just want to validate what you’ve shared because I had a similar experience. The N in my case was a very talented and creative filmmaker and musician who wrote and recorded gorgeous, poignant, sometimes passionate, even sometimes funny, love songs for me — probably a dozen of them. I felt adored and magically, spiritually connected– we constantly cuddled and gazed into each other’s eyes and shared a rich and profound language to describe our love. Romantic gestures appeared everywhere I turned, like nothing I had ever experienced. I was utterly swept away. Later I learned that at the exact same time this was happening, he was carrying on with multiple women — from total strangers met in bars to his long-time business partner. It still bends my brain into pretzels trying to fathom how these things could have been happening at the simultaneous. Once he explained it to me: “They had nothing to do with each other.” That was the upside-down truth of his N logic.
Hi Translunary,
It is so true that in the case of a narcissist, who is also a sociopath, that this is not love.
Love embodies truth and loyalty.
What you have described is play acting in order to get narcissistic supply.
I have experienced this also.
In fact REAL love is not that love-bomby or ‘high’. It is much more realistic. See the difference?
Mel ❤️💕🙏
It’s very interesting — I see the difference for sure, and I instinctively know that you are right. Yet at a visceral/emotional level, I’m still very liable to get stirred up by that high and feel flat around the non-love-bombing types. I understand that this is caused by my wounds and insecurities and I’m really working to change this. I did not have a supportive childhood environment — there were abusive things happening, and it’s such a challenge to ‘rewire’ all of that or ‘shift’ the deep beliefs, as you say. I even went so far as to perform a christening ceremony for myself because I never felt welcome in my home. I thought — ok, I’ll be my own welcoming spirit. I recorded the ritual so that I could listen to it and hear healing words spoken in my own voice. I’m trying to get as creative as I can to make up for this childhood lack but it feels very daunting. I’ve been hard at it for well over a year. Still feel pretty insecure and daunted, though the N is gone, at least. I keep doing the modules, hoping that things will finally sink in. Thank you for all your kind and supportive words.
Hi Translunary,
I so understand … it used to be the same for me Regarding love-bombing!
Have you worked with Quanta Freedom Healing and are you healing with NARP? It really helps in regard to powerful inner being reprogramming.
If you havent already, I’d love you to come into my free workshop and experience this for yourself.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
MLB, thank you for your sharing. It resonates. I have also found Rumi and Hafez – the persian mystics. And WOW 🙂 I also resonate with your uncertainty of the ex is narc or not. I dont really know about mine either. And I was with him so long, 20+ years. Doesn’t matter much now tho! One doesn’t need to paste a label on someone or die trying, it honestly feels quite lovely to just let go.
Mel, This is brave topic. I am beginning to feel I’d like a real partner, not the crazy kind. And that feels risky. Being alone is quite lovely, but I don’t necessarily want to stay alone forever. Maybe more on this topic? Maybe ideas of goals to work with for shifts?
Thanks for taking this one on – it’s huge.
Peace & love –
Valerie
I can relate to your comment about feeling like someone’s blow-up doll. Sex at the beginning was wonderful (the best of my life) and connected and pleasurable. The last 2 years of our 5 years together were all about him. He told me he was “through with foreplay” and didn’t care at all if I got anythings out of sex. I even thought about getting him a real blow-up sex doll but never did. It would not have wanted what he gave me at the beginning or complained about not getting it any more. Talk about feeling empty and used and unsatisfied and the rest of the day went downhill too. He still did nice things for me at times and could fix anything in the house, when he got around to it. That was the deal we made at the beginning–that he would do home improvements and I would pay the bills. Then I found out he was stealing money from my bank account, usually twice a week and was cheating. Which came first–the selfish, unconnected sex or the emotional distance? Because they happened together and each made the other worse. I thought often about telling him to leave but didn’t do it until one day he decided he had to tell me all the things he didn’t like about me. I listened to the first 2, then told him to shut up and go pack his stuff and get out of my house. Hadn’t planned it but that list of my bad traits pushed me over the edge of being unhappy with him. Exactly one week later, someone set 3 fires in my basement and the next morning he walked out, leaving me with his dog who cried for an hour after he left. He was an immediate suspect because no one else came in the house; I was up all night and didn’t hear anything unusual (like a broken window in the basement right under where I was sitting with the dog all night. The day of the fire, he told me that he didn’t do it and “please believe me”. I did that day but after he left, I realized that the 3 incidents (me throwing him out, the fires and him walking out without a word) were all related. I know the detectives from the DA’s office questioned him that day and a few more times but he calls now and then and hasn’t been arrested that I know of. Unfortunately, I also gave my statement the day of the fire and told them every one of the 7 or 8 times they asked me that I didn’t think he was that evil. He doesn’t want the dog any more and won’t even take her for a weekend so I can go to see my son and his wife in the house they bought a year ago that I haven’t seen yet. I was going to go last Spring but the fire was on March 3 and my live was too hard to go away then. He did not train the dog or socialize her and she is afraid of strangers and other dogs and deals with her fear by growling and snarling so she looks and sounds aggressive. I think she’d be terrified the whole time if I board her for a weekend. She was traumatized by the fire and other people who were in the house after the firemen got the flames out and by his leaving the next day. She looked for him every time we saw a truck the same color as his and there are a lot of white pick-ups on the road. I’m too compassionate to give her away to pit bull rescue where they will train her and find her an adoptive family but everyone will be a stranger. She has been warm and cuddly company for me for months, though also difficult. She goes nuts when left alone when I am out doing things to try to make the apartment we had to get into a place where we live, instead of just staying here. Everything in the house was ruined by the smoke so I had to buy all new furniture and that kept me out of the apartment a lot. The day after the fire, I found out my homeowner’s insurance cancelled my policy the month before but I never got a bill in January or a cancellation notice. I can’t even borrow the $175,000 to 200,000 to fully restore the house after living there 32 years. After 7 weeks apart, he started calling me because he needed something. That one was easy–it was just the cell phone account # but then he called because he had no money for food and wanted me to drive 1/2 hour each way to bring him $180. I didn’t want to give him any more money after all the took and did not want to drive into the city at night. He was shocked that I didn’t jump at the chance to take care of him but he has a mother, grandmother and aunt in that part of the city so I knew he could find someone to take care of him, if they’d even speak to him. Can’t imagine a mother or grandmother saying “no” to a son needing food, even if he is a grown man in years and has probably alienated them too. But I wasn’t thinking about that when I said “no”; just that I didn’t want to do it, which surprised him but it was a sign of my healing and growth to me. He tried to talk me into it by telling me I was the first person he called, as if that was a great honor. I couldn’t make up for the things he suffered as a child and don’t want to now. My sister and son and close friend all dislike him so I found Melanie’s question about whether he is someone to enjoy visiting family with interesting. Should have asked myself that several years ago. I’m not sure if he is a narcissist but he has sociopathic behavior in his past (selling drugs that he went to prison for years ago). He certainly has narcissistic traits so the diagnosis doesn’t matter. In some areas, we shard values but not in many others but we rarely did anything as a couple. He managed to ruin 2 birthdays for me by refusing to go to for the type of food I wanted (Vietnamese); I always took him out for his birthday, which he wasn’t used to.
Last sentence should be “go out for…”
This hits home….thanks for sharing
WOW this video really hit home for me. I definitely felt USED and YUKKY with my ex. I remember thinking that it felt like ‘soul rape’; words I had never used before being involved with a narcissist. He was also very BORING and good at guilt tripping if I did not feel like having sex.
I am so glad that I do not have to deal with that anymore. Now I have to continue healing, and letting go of the awful memories.
Thank you Melanie. You are such an inspiration.
Much Love
Hi CAL,
It’s my pleasure. I’m so pleased for you that you are out of that and no longer need to suffer it.
Blessings and healing to you!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Without going in to a lot of history- my experience aligns but has another significant twist. He always expected that I would want him because he was “so desirable” and I just “should”. He had a way that was seemingly “a good lover” attentive, wanting me to receive pleasure, romantic. But the yucky feeling I always had was that it was about him wanting/expecting to be SOO desired. If I had a climax it was just N supply for him
That’s so true Laura,
For an N it is supply.
That’s the point it’s always ‘about them’ not the person they are having sex with.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Was married to someone like this! I didn’t enjoy sec at all, it often felt like it was being done to me! I resisted and was called frigid! Then I’d id had a couple of glasses of wine and made romantic overtures I was a slut who couldn’t have sex just because I wanted it! I then found out he’d been paying for sec for years and writing about his experiences online! I divorced him, worried all the time if it was the right thing, but it was! It’s awful but there is life on the other side!
I’ve met a marvellous kind and thoughtful man! Sex with him is amazing! I genuinely used to think orgSms were made up in books! Now I know the truth!
Hi Melanie, not been watching your videos for awhile, being completely disconnected from my X, I have been enjoying my new life. This video did catch my eye, because I often felt like I was being raped and felt empty and cried often after sex with him. I hope someday I can have soulful loving sex with a good man, I don’t know what that feels like, but I want to. Thank you for all the years you helped me through and helping me get free.
Hi Nancy,
Please know how welcome you are, and I wish that for you with all my heart too.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I had a chance to escape the narcissist…I had truly met my soul mate, and knew what it meant to make love and to be adored, but I convinced myself I would lose my children and family, and that my spouse wasn’t that bad a guy and that I “owed” it to someone, something to see this through. ….30 years of boring sex, porn, affairs, yes, feeling like rape every time he touched me…it’s a very intimate part of the problem with narcs, they can be seem very very good…but when they are bad, they are horrid. I’m a little gun shy about ever being intimate again, and that’s a good thing. I don’t ever want bad sex again. I served my time.
Sex with my psycho was rough & WEIRD!! It was totally selfish, on his part. Eventually, he had a heart attack & had to take meds. which took away his ability to have sex. At that moment, he stopped anything at all & kissed my like a chicken pecking for food. He admitted it was his fault, but did nothing about it. Our sex life was failing beforehand, because I got tired of his style!
Do you think the “chemistry” is a result of a match in neediness, albeit different types of neediness? You had said opposites don’t attract, so maybe it’s the energy of deep neediness that brings the empath and the N together. I think if we walk out into the world with low self-esteem and seek out someone to make us feel unconditionally loved, wanted, cherished, supported, safe, accepted, seen, heard and understood… then we can easily fall victim to love-bombing. Not just fall victim, but dig our nails in and cling on for dear life. I think if we were honest with ourselves we DID see signs of power, abuse, control, degradation and callous disregard… but the “need” to be loved was so great we brushed it off. Self love IS the only answer. If we don’t love ourselves even if we did meet the perfect partner who was not an N, we would still suffer from insecurity. My grandmother had a wonderful husband. She was insecure and leaned on him and he held her up until the day he died… then she was terrified, devastated, and drank the rest of her life away. We must become whole to live in peace, freedom and love. I was recently watching a Joe Dispenza video and he said “when we become whole, we need less and less pleasure from the outside.” As I do the work my panic is becoming replaced by calm.
Your articles and course are so helpful and wise. Thank you for dedicating your life to this.
Hi DMJ,
I actually do … I think that when we are enjoying sex with a false self that there are two people feeding am emptiness inside, rather then two wholesome selves connecting.
It is so true what you say about digging our nails in and clinging on for dear life.
Wow re your grandmother, such a perfect example. My Aunty is also an example of exactly what you are describing, completely lost and deranged since my h uncle died. Your point is 100 percent true.
Jo Dispenza is also bang on … the more self content we become, the less neediness we have … including for sex.
Thank you for your kind words to me and your recognition. And please know it is my utter joy to share my work with you.
Many blessing to you DMJ,
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Hi Sweet Melanie – WOW – I Totally loved & Enjoyed that whole Video – AWESOME & SO SPOT ON the TRUTH & Fully Aligned with Me & My Beliefs & perceptions & WHAT I WANT in a Sexual & Loving Intimate lover & relationship. STRANGELY Enough – I have had a relationship with in my Opinion a NPD Lady who said to me that She is like a love Goddess who HEALS all the Sexual issues in MEN & So Forth & teaches Men how to be Great Lovers or Sexual Partners or Enjoy GREAT SEX. something like THAT – as she has NO sexual hang-ups – WOW – YOUR Video describes her FULLY 1000% & NO DEEP connection & You FEEL EMPTY & Alone before during & especially after orgasm. WOW – such TRUTH in THAT & in your Video – ALL DOne in ACTS & in an act of getting Energy Supply to Save the False Self & keep False Self alive – Destroying everyone & everything in their path & GO Seek Another Partner or Another Lover -pretending that they Dump You as You NOT being GOOD enough for them Yet Opposite is TRUE – they can NOT connect with the Up-levelled conscious of a conscious loving man & conscious lover – WOW – Melanie – I humbly & sincerely love & appreciate YOU & all that you bring to the table & Tools & Understanding to SET FREE & DO the INNER Work & No longer attract this – THRIVING I AM thank you to you & the Inner work that i have through Narp & other inner ways of doing the inner work as well. I AM FREE of this NOW Melanie thus Far & have UP-Levelled in Consciousness quite Significantly – lots of Love to you & Team Melanie – love Kelvin – I too Seek same consciousness in a lover to meet me where I am AT too Melanie – she is welcome into my world anytime for the Long term union
Love Kelvin
Hi Kelvin,
Gosh what a narcissistic thing to profess! Truly people who are ‘all of that’ do not go around grandstanding about it! I’m sure many men would readily fall for that thought!
So glad for you that you are free of that and aligning with your True Self and True Lover.
It’s what you and we all really deserve.
Many blessings to you Kelvin.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Over the course of a decade I couldn’t/didn’t climax with him.
I couldn’t connect and my soul did not trust him, unfortunately I ignored this at the time. I really feel like my soul left my body.
Like so many others, I hope to experience true connection one day.
Sending love and blessings to you and your breakthrough Jeanie.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
The..truth..to..me..about..sex..connection…comes..from..something..I..had..to..start..learning….and..the..main..thing..to..learn..it..through..has..been..own..deservedness…for..reactions..opinions…saying..yes..saying..no…own..decission..making…Basically..own..deservedness…But..it..is..not..so..easy….becouse..to…add..to..deserving..it..has..to..be..processes..in..the..work..of..own..body..all..that..was..causing..to..live..other..life..than..such..in..a.way..accepted..as..norm…NO..PLACE..for..blame..shame..criticizm..judgement..here..if..one..wants..to..heal..this….Through.big..cloud..caused..by..disconnection..dissociation..and..depression…from..childhood…I..made..my..goal..to..learn..and..start..differiancing…how..it..actually..feel..to..know..what..ads..to..my..soul..and..spirit..and..that..i..can..be..this..strong..of..a.person..which..actually..is..not..strong..but..normal…yet..this..is..not..how..society..sees..it…Sex..has..to..be..based..on..self..respect..self..love..self..deservedness..to..start….I..know..from..own..experience..and..from..years..of..observations..that..people..feel..they..are..being..selfish..when..they..would..come..to..health..of..self..respect..and..criticizm..in..any..form..from..no.matter..where..always..fuels..this….Many..will…disregard..what..I..got..to..share..but..there..is..a.very…unconscious..drive..tyhinking..that..sex..can..heal…and..it..is..truth..and..it..is..not….before..it..is..truth..it..is..not..truth..first..for..someone..who..places..such..belief..unconscious..or..just..disregarded….I..learnt..that..good..sex..comes..only..from..learning..to..be..in..own..body..to..store..own..energy..in..body…and..be..with..all..neurotic..compulssions..that..either..are..about..handing..ownself..over..loosing..ownself..or..need..to..conrol..please..ofr..dominate….I..dont..come..to..ever..mention..narcissist..becouse..years..of..process..taken..me..as..aneed..and..must..and..next..step…I..also..know..for..certain..those..compulssions..are..not..just..in..narcissists..but..codependant..people..as.they..are..called..never..or..very..rarely..would..ever..risk..own..mask..of.a.good..person..a.pleaser..in..order..to.unveil..this..truth…to..me..mask..is..a.mask….I..worked..with..body..persistanly..enough..to..not..see.a.difference….and..actually.it..does..come..from..own..energy..strenght..and..compassion…..this..is..a.deep..subject..with..amny..many..many..layers..buut..it..boils..down..to..this….body..loving..own..body..being..with..body..and..not..throughts..seeing..and..knowing..the..difference…feeling..that..one..deserves..this…also..being..with..breath…and..only..ONLY..ONLY..ONLY..WHEN..THROUGH..DEVOTED..PROCES..CHOSEN..AS.PRIORITY..AND..NOT..ALLOWED..TO..BE.SEEN..AS.SELFISH..WHEN..PERSON..KNOWS,..HOW..IT..IS..TO..BE..WITH..OWN..SLEF..then..this..person..will..not..choose..to..get..involved..with…someone..who..suffers…no..matter..what..name..is..given..to..another..person…what..disorder..be..it..narcissist..or..codependant..my..practice..process..asked..me..years..ago..to..see.this..person..as..suffering…I..have..experienced..narcissists..in..family…went..through..what..is..called..N..abuse..later..on..by..partners..collegues..and..bonds..of..my..choice….and..would..never..take..away..from..this…yet..I..found..out..it..is..not..enough..to..criticize..and..analyze..narcissist..or..codependant….One..of..my..inspirational..people,..is..Reich..and..Lowen..people..who..did..not..got..to..brain/concepts/ideas..creating..new..medicine..or..sience..but..who..woked..all..life..with..the..body..itself….and..from..this..as.base..which..has..been..very..painful..to..ground..into…and..still..is..I..can..see..what..I..could..not..see..before….that..if..someone..suffers..in..sex..is..not..becouse..the..partner….it..is..becouse..of..choosing..that..partner..and..becouse..of..the..ALL..reasons..that..that..partner..was..chosen..to..get..involved..with….there..is..so..much..more..to..say..about..sex…sex..and..society..of..madness…it..trully..takes..many..many..many..years..of..regaining..the..body..to..be..able..to..even..start..talking..about..it…yet..all..sort..of..bypasses..as..still..as..always..way..more..important..than..the..work..for..majority….I..find..there..are..great..points..in..this..video….I..myself..would..make..it..solely..about..own..relationship..with..the..body….The..truth..that..may..not..be.liked..is..this…..a..person..who..loves..own..body..relationship..with..it…unblocked..chest..blocks…breath..started..breating..into..own..pelvis..and..through..own..legs..and..all..mom..dad..programming..and..person..whoose..body..experiencess.pleasure..EVEN.when..in..contact..with..narcissist.WOULD..have..good..SEX…..why?…becouse..such..person..would..not..be..needy..of..the..narcissist…and..would..actually..be..able..to..see..all..suffering..and..blocks..of..that..narcissist..and..would..realize..connection..is..impossible..and..could..share..own..pleasure..instead..of..expecting..to..get..it..provided..as..ALL..people..who..ever..got..involved..with..Narcissist..have..expected….I..am..indeed..very..greatful..for..meeting..Narcissist..in..my..life…I..am..not..grateful..for..sick..parenting..I..got..I..always..make..it..clear…my..childhood..was..no..black..box..of..a.pain..to..be.seen.as.a.gift..it..was..tragic….bu..I..am..grateful..for..who..I..was..choosing..to..be..when..with..narcissist….and…becouse..of..that..i..learnt..a.lot..from..that..person…about..no..ability.to..love..accept..ownself….this..is..something..that..not..only..narcissists..experience….base..line..with..sex.is..this..for..me….is..individual..willing..to..take..all..pain..all..family..societal..conditioning..and..choose..what..is..everywhere..being..made..selfish…and..start..feeling..deservedness..for..bringing..life..force..to..own..body…refusing..and..rejecting..EVERy..possible..bypass…well..as..Lowen..said…we..do..not..live..in..society..that..trully..celebrates..this….and..this..fact..has..to..be.accepted..and..knoiwn..becouse..it..allows..to..make..a.choice
Thank you, Melanie.
I am usually reluctant to post comments (having been the victim of stalking, and internet shy), but I am moved to post. I am a NARP member, have suffered multiple, and I mean multiple N-abuse situations. I was just telling some close friends about how I think of a subject, and then within minutes, hours, or the next day, Melanie, you have made it the topic of the next episode! You are tapped in and connected from all the way down under. I am recommending you highly to many friends and aquaintances who are coming out as victims these days. I don’t like the horror, but do like that we are not alone, and validate each other. I have been coming out to my inner circle as someone who is sick and tired of the forceful N behavior in society and even in our smaller neighborhood communities. Hook up culture is dangerous, and for a generation that came up on it, it is a jungle out there. If I called the cops every time a “friend” asked, told, or put my hand on his “morning wood”, I could fill the city jail. Maybe we should do that! This has to stop. The way we are shifting as a planet and culture is uncomfortable while it is so necessary and worthy. Such shifts and this community help me speak up about it and advocate for healthy relating. It is a step in the right direction that famous perpetrators are exposed in the media, but I am more concerned about the good ol’ boy next door. It isn’t just violent or date rape that matters. We do need to expose these more nuanced molestation violations and uplevel for Soul’s sake (and for Sex’s for that matter).Thanks. Exhale.
Hi Katie,
You are very welcome. I love that we are in synch … so many of us in this glorious community are!
I truly agree that when we stop just ‘going slong’ we stop enabling the behaviour that women traditionally just ‘put up with’ in order to be partnered, protected, granted security … or whatever she believed was necesssry to survive.
We are now in an era of mutuality, genuine connection and respect … not power struggles and survival.
As women we are now able to be our own healthy source, free to make healthy choices.
Yes there is a huge upgrade going on, and one that is filtering through, thankfully, into many dark places.
Exciting times.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Dear Melanie
Thank you for your honest video of sex with a narcissist.
It made me look back at my relationships with the men in my life and see the narcissists.
My last 10 year relationship was the nemesis for me.
What you describe is true.
As i work through the NARP programme and understand what having a narcissistic mother effected my life and my sexual relationships.
Thank you
Reena xxx
Hi Reena,
You are so welcome.
It is such a pleasure seeing your dedication to learning and healing and your growth.
It reminds me so much of my thirst back then, when I started to find out how to heal for real.
Much love to you and blessings for your breakthroughs.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I totally relate to this. He used to thrust his tongue down my throat. ..ugh dis gusting. ..he would paw and grab me until I snapped one night. No foreplay all about him…he controlled his orgasm. .when he had finished he would fly into the bathroom to shower..he would visit me have sexl food leave me with dirty pots. I said to him I feel like a prostitute…an unpaid one at that. I truly felt empty after sexual with him…I was just a sexual object…dreadful times …never to be repeated. Thanx Mel x
Hi Lorraine,
Thank goodness those days are gone.
Blessings to you and for your connection to sacred love!
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thank you for bringing this issue to public attention. I broke up almost two months ago, and it’s a nightmare as I have to find a temporary house, re-locate, spending money it a period without job…Now it’s a bit better. But last days in his house were horrible. Sex was one of the initial issues. He, simply, was not able to do it..So long to explain. Initially he was strangely honest to admit that he had issues with his two previous partners (and anyway..he used his ex to triangulate, in a successfull way). After some months, and as ‘coincidence’ of a month almost without internet, something started to change for the better. Or at least, it seemed…Then, I started to be unable. There was something really blocking me and I realized why: all the positions were something like a porn movie’s ideals. And not so later I discovered that his entire sexual life resulted in fantastications over photos of young girls, porno addiction etc. Something that, now, I presume is quite common in these cases. And unkownledge about narc and sex was one of my big mistakes. I thought I knew something about narcissism …and when I started to realize that he is a narc, I entirely underevaluated this issue. Then, everything changed in my perspective. People use to simplify couples’ issues with ‘he has another woman’. Or ‘but if didn’t have sex with the other woman is not a traitor”. I wish it was just simply as that…How could you possibly explain to others that …he was not even capable of that. While on the other side, there is a sort of latent sexual tension, in a very distorted way, with females around. This experience is quite hard to process in my mind. It’ s very disturbing, expecially with someone who is socially considered for helping…women in the street.
Hi Eva,
Please know Dear Lady that it is incredibly difficult to process through our mind the narcissist’s behaviours and motivations. They come from a framework that our logical mind struggles with.
When you have settled in a bit, I’d lov
you to connect with my free ebooks, 16 day free course and free healing workshop, because it will help deliver the clarity and relief that you seek.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
Sending you strength, healing and support during this difficult time.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thank you for your information. Finally, after dating on and off with him for three years, I left. The last sexual episode was quite painfully abusive and shocking to me. I realized this behavior was excelerating each time. Also, his new insistence I cum twice. He always tried to get himself off first but what ever it was with me, he was unable to derive pleasure physically I blamed myself. Now, I realize I am fine the way I am and that I’m not someone who deserves to have their body used and discarded. I could go on and on but the point is—-I found love again. I NOW love ME
Thank you
Wow!
This has really hit home. I finally left my husband of 30 years 5 months ago. I had never even encountered the terms “narcissist” or “sociopath” before I left-I really had no idea that I was in an abusive relationship until AFTER I left, despite physical, verbal, mental, emotional abuse……I am now slowly coming to terms with the truth of my marriage, and pursuing healing and wholeness before even considering moving on.
So, to sex. I was a virgin on my wedding night, so had no previous experience to compare to. Needless to say, the wedding night was bad, a complete let down after all my hopes and dreams, and it never got better. He was completely self-centred and demanding, and absolutely oblivious to any pain I might be in (which was frequent and often intense, since he could never wait until I was “ready”). It was sex (NEVER making love) when he wanted, where he wanted and as he wanted it. He never made the slightest effort to meet any sexual needs that I might have, but he expected me to be totally compliant yet enthusiastic. Moans and groans were fully encouraged (I now see that this simply fed his need for supply rather than a sign that he genuinely wanted me to enjoy sex). However, if I ever attempted to initiate sex, my attempts was almost universally rejected (again, he had to be in control, and I was not “allowed” to initiate or enjoy our encounters). He was everything this video says- he had a porn addiction, probably had multiple affairs/ one night stands (I only found out about a few), and sex was ALWAYS, ALWAYS about one thing-HIM!
Until I heard this I had never thought of him as a sexual predator, I had just thought our sex life was very disappointing. Now I see it in a whole different light. For many years, I felt EXACTLY as you described after sex with my husband-used, worthless, unloved, degraded, uncomfortable, sick to my stomach. Regularly I would feel so utterly terrible that I would be unable to sleep for the rest of the night. And I really believed (probably because HE told me so) that I was the one with sexual problems and hang-ups! In all those years he NEVER gave me an orgasm, such was his complete selfishness.
AT last I know better, and intend to heal completely so that I never have to experience this again, and can instead know at some point in the future what true love-making is with someone who is fully invested in loving me unconditionally and meeting my needs as I do his. Thank you
Hi Rosie,
I commend your courage and strength so much to leave and to heal after 30 years.
You are such an inspiration to many and I am so thrilled you have found our amazing Tbriver Community to help support you to create your True You and True Life.
Sending love, blessings, strength and healing you way from all of us.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
You sound like me 35 years.
And he was always in control,
Called me stupid, uncaring etc.
Two years after splitting from my narc husband of 22 years and I am still struggling with what I truly, honestly believed was our sacred wonderful physical connection. I was replaced very quickly which I found excruciatingly painful. All of what you describe as healthy sexual love, I still feel that we shared. Although there were some added bits that I brushed off (him suggesting he would like another man involved – “only fantasy of course”!) My head feels so wrecked that I can’t separate what was a lie and what was real. I suppose I know it was all a lie but am still struggling so much with what I deeply connected to, he was loving, tender, pleasing and cuddling, how could that have been faked? I don’t think I will ever be able to distinguish between fake and true love.
Hi Catkins,
My heart goes out to you and the emotional pain and struggle you are going through.
I’d love to help your clarity and healing process by introducing you to my free inner resources http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
I know they have the potential to help you a lot.
Sending hugs and healing to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Wow – this video really hit home for me. With my Ex I felt so disconnected, empty and alone after we had sex. So much was missing from the experience, but I could never articulate exactly what was wrong – you have. Thank you Mel
OMG!!!
Like the commentator above, it’s like you’re channeling my ruminating thoughts, Melanie. 🙂
Sex was scripted, right down to sounds. Once I suggested we use a pair of erotica dice I purchased “before” we ever got together. I’m talking approximately six or seven years into our marriage. He promptly informed me that “we” didn’t “need” that. I said that it wasn’t about need, it was about having fun/spicing up the bedroom. Nope. Then there was the time I was thisclose to a vaginal orgasm (a first for me,) and he realizing this immediately changed position making it impossible for me to climax. So in essence, he “stole” that from me. I’ve never forgotten that and it frustrates me to this day. When I asked him why he did that when he could see I was on the cusp of orgasming, he simply said he wanted to switch positions. He never apologized or even attempted to replicate that effort or position any other time. Even when I suggested/asked that we try it again, it wasn’t an option. Sex was always the same. The same position, the same way of mounting, the same sounds, the same far off look while he used my body. The term “workbench” is the perfect adjective. It was like I was inanimate and I felt so detached watching him use me, but not connecting with me. He climaxed the way he wanted (on me, not in me) and then he would toss me a towel to clean-up afterwards. What a hallmark. He did surprise me with a sex toy for “fun”, once. It turns out it was more of a tool to make his job easier/faster. Even that, in the end, wasn’t able to get me [there] and quite frequently the night ended with “I owe you one.” I’m so glad I’m out and on my own. I can’t ever imagine sharing myself with someone, again. I can joke about it and say the thought of it makes me want to break out in hives. But the truth of the matter is, my heart aches at the thought of trusting someone with that part of me again. Now I know it’s a blessing and I’ll feel better when I’ve worked through Module 1. Again. 🙂 Thanks for your tireless work and support, Melanie.
Hi Nicole,
I’m so pleased that you are on NARP and can release all of that to have you glorious goddess self met!
Much love and healing to you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
I just divorced a man with narcissistic tendencies. Near the end of our 27-year marriage, I usually felt so disconnected with him that I was nauseated by the thought of having sex with him. Even though we have 5 children together, throughout all those years, I seldom felt a “connection” with him and often found myself in tears after having sex with him. Part of the reason why it took so long to leave was the vast amount of “Biblical” guilt of what was “required” from a wife, sexually and otherwise, he heaped on my naive soul. I am working on healing myself emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically in an attempt to move on from this man.
Hi Maureen,
Commending your courage to move on.
We all send you blessings and healing Dear Lady.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Your videos ar so right on, I learned sooo much from you Melanie, in fact I would not be where I am right now without you and that is separated and starting a new life.
I was only seventeen when I met him, 28 years ago.
I didn’t know anything else before, he was my first.
Didn’t know how a relationship or sex was supposed to be or look like but what I did know was that I loved him unconditionally and over time he was using that against me.
Although he was always gentle and I had the feeling he wanted the best sexual experience for me there was something off …when it came down to it it was about him. During sex I never felt really connected to him..I tried…a connection my soul deeply desired. Leaving me feeling used and disappointed. I started to wonder, asking myself is that it?
It can’t be… I am hoping after healing and having time for myself I will find the connection I always wished for and desired.
Bless you❤️
Hi Chrissy,
Bless you too sweetheart.
Absolutely as you heal, self partner and connect to you, you will experience a divine communion of the souls with another.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Dear Melanie,
The accounts of sexual abuse are astounding. I am reading an amazing book “Paid For: Journey Through Prostiturion” written by Rachel Moran. What has been written in previous posts are accounts that could be in this book. It was easy to figure that her “clients” were all Narcissitic, self-centered men. What she goes on to say is that men that paid her actually hate women!!! Why do men feel they have to “ram their tonges” down a women`s throat. Rachel, the now “ex” UN-happy hooker” says the “girls” cannot stand when the guys do that. Like the previous “wives” they must disconnect from the present in whatever way they can in order to survive and keep their sanity. (unfortunately, wives are prisoners in their homes and cannot get away from the “clients” or “paying customers”
The “wives” of the previous “abusers’ are not getting paid for giving sex!! That really is the only difference to what is happening out there today.
Like the women who`s narcissitic pervert would hit the pillow after getting off. Prostitutes deal with this everyday……from narc`s going home from work and picking up “working girls” on a street corner.
Melanie, you mentioned that there are many. many, many narc preditors out there just looking for their next person to get their rocks off with. We need your influence more then ever in this world. Pornography is seeping into mainstream society more and more. The Porn industry is working hard to make previously outrageous sexual activities mainstream and okay.
You are helping to hold back the tidal wave of indecency, perversion and cruelty. Married men who secretly watch porn, then want their wives to take part in deviant acts. Some postings tell of not even knowing about what sex should be like………the prime target for a narcissit!!!
Melanie, once again thank you for bringing us all back to what love, affection and caring for another person is all about.
You saved me from verbal, physical and sexual abuse. The recovery is always ongoing but worth it all the way
Thank You Melanie
Hi Ocean Breeze,
Thank you for your very thoughtful and powerful post.
I’m so pleased I can help, and thank you for being you and fighting the good fight too.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Dear Melanie, i unfortunately don’t agree on every points on narcissist sex list. In my personal experience with my narcissist, it was just magic. During all my relationship of 2years, it was the best communion, the best sex ever. It was deep, sensual, so respectful, delicious etc; perfect chemistry, perfect puzzle of our bodies and souls. I felt love, i felt tenderness, he was incredibly good (probably because he was handsome, sexy, and a big background and maybe lovers :/). But he was incredibly loving and good so this does not help to heal and move on, men before him were not 90% of him, of what we shared. He was special really. And i don’t idealise him at all. So I suffer today so much about this, i miss the man i fall in love with, the good side of him, including the special lover inside him.
Hi Anais…..After reading your post, I was left to wonder what happened after 2 years? You really need to go back and check out some of Melanie`s videos. That 2 year period is perfect timing for a narcissist to love bomb you big time, showing his good side to you. Having been tricked and fooled by a narc myself…and having narcissistic parents, I know only too well how charming they can be.
Melanie has pointed out many times, and has happened to me that falling in love with a false personality happen`s easily.
It is the little things that make you feel strange and uncomfortable that reveal that the “lover’ is a false image.
Anais, you definatly saw the “good” side of him. If it was a true good side, would he still not be with you?
Just asking and showing honest care. That is what we do here in the Narp network.
Mel,
You hit the nail on the head. All that time I thought it was me. That there was something wrong with me. It got to where I couldn’t stand for him to touch me, let alone have sex. When I finally had enough (after 13 years) of the verbal and emotional abuse, anger and the controlling I told him I wanted a divorce. He drove me crazy when I was trying to move out. Followed me around like a puppy dog…please, please let me **** you. Just to shut him up I finally said “fine, get over here big boy and lets do it”. He “didn’t want to do it like that, he wanted to make love”. Yeah, right. That never happened. He always had this goofy, creepy, crazy grin when he “finished”.
I’m doing so much better now. Venturing into internet dating but it will be hard to trust and believe someone. But, I can spot love bombing a mile away. lol.
I also saw this strange grin, it bothered me. He would lie there saying nothing, not wanting to talk with this weird grin. I now think it was because he just got a load of narcissistic supply.
Hi Melanie,
Thank you for the wonderful videos and sharing of your experiences. It definitely helped me to break free from a female narcissist that I had thought was going to be the love of my life, until she started morphing into this person who was full of anger and seemed to take pleasure in putting down me and everyone else around her in between telling me how wonderful I was, and how much better she felt with me around. Throughout our relationship over the past couple of months, she would continuously drop sexual innuendos, tease me relentlessly with her body, but beck off anytime I started to take it any further, abruptly changing her voice and mannerisms. At first, I seriously started to think she might have a split personality. She had told me about how her parents had never told her they loved her, that the men in her life always quit on her, that she needed someone to hold her and make love to her, and how she needed me to be patient with her. She said she wanted to take thinks slowly. She would never kiss on the lips, only the cheek, but would often take me to her bedroom as if we were about to have sex, only to tell me to leave because I “got the wrong impression”. When we got so drunk one night that I finally told her I loved her, she exploded in a rage I had never seen, called me a freak, screamed to let her out of the car, slapped me as hard as she could while I was driving her home, and asked me if I wanted to be her husband. She was still fuming when we got to her condo, but then she took me inside for the first time and led me to her bedroom, before she abruptly changed and yelled at me to leave. It went on like this for the past few months until we finally had sex. But there was no emotional connection, no true intimacy. she even asked me if I thought it would change our relationship, and if I wanted to just be her “sex toy”. There was no foreplay, and she ridiculed me for not being instantly hard for her, saying I “just didn’t want her enough”. She offered no encouragement, nor made any effort i that regard. Once I was ready, she wanted instant intercourse, still no kissing on the mouth. She would stop and pull away several times, almost as if she was making sure that I did not enjoy it too much. Afterwards, she only wanted to cuddle for five minutes. Then said I should leave instead of staying the night. After I got dressed, she wanted me to take her again without getting fully undressed again. I asked her if there was something wrong with my breath, because she would never kiss me on the mouth, and she said “No. Next time”. She then said that after all, it was “all about her”. All of that really hit home, and it was at that point I realized that no normal person would have devalued their lover before sex, and made no effort to please them in any way. Still, she already had my heart, and I was willing to try to help her heal. I sent her a text that night, still trying to stay positive, and thanked her for making that night special. I got not reply. The next day she sent an email about a business deal we were working on, but made no mention of it. And she did not ask me to do anything with the deal. I took it as an FYI, and didn’t respond. The day after that she sent a text about being stuck on the train for hours, and still no mention of us. I didn’t feel the need to respond to that either. On the third day she sent a text calling me “babe” again saying that she had a dream about us, and wondered why I had not texted her with a smiley face. I told her there were a lot of things happening including a relative in the hospital for four open heart surgical procedures in four days, due to repeated complications, and asked her about the dream. That evening, I called her from work to see how she was doing and tell her that I missed her. I was met with a very angry “Why are you calling me?!?” I was dumbfounded. She was furious that I had not texted her for three days, and that we had been very intimate the last time we were together. When I reminded her that I had texted her the same night and afterwards she screamed “One text in three days!” and demanded to know the REAL reason why I had not texted her, and if I did not tell her, she was hanging up and our relationship was over. That was at least the sixth time she had threatened to end the relationship. She wanted to know what kind of game I was playing. I told her there was no game, that she was reading too much into it, and that everything was fine between us. Still she kept pushing, saying “You were embarrassed because you don’t think you performed well enough, right”. I told her I was a little embarrassed, but that was not it. There were multiple long pauses where I was very calm and silent. Then she started the guilt trip with the fake crying (really bad acting). Still, I understood her mental state and tried to calm her down. Then she changed her voice and mood again, asking if I would come to her now. Because she wanted me to have sex with her in a most explicit way. I told her I would but I was 60 miles away at work. By that time, I made up my mind that either we were going to become closer and I would help her every way I could, but if I drove all the way to her condo for over an hour, and she did not answer the door, the relationship was over. I told her I was on my way, and that I would be there in 1.5 hours. She responded back in a text, “Wow..just go home, babe.” As I expected, I got there, and she would not answer the door, or her phone. Later, at 4 am she sent me a text asking “Where are you? I fell asleep.” It was at that point, and after everything I had read and seen in videos, that I knew I had to leave and completely cut her off. I looked online for ideas on what to write, but nearly all of the forums I saw, said not to write anything. So, I didn’t. She sent three texts about another business deal. I deleted all of her photos and emails, blocked her number, followed and unfriended her on Facebook. Even though she was blocked, I still saw one blocked message a couple of days later, where she said she didn’t know why I had not responded to her texts, that she was worried, but that she guessed it didn’t matter. She said she had been passing out, and had lost a lot of blood over the past two days, but that she hoped I was okay. All of this, plus many other things she did, both good and bad, thoroughly convinced me that she definitely has NPD. I am heartbroken. I still love her, and wish I could help her to heal, but I now know that is not possible. I want to believe that some part of her does love me, but I know that can’t be either. I also feel guilty for not telling her that the relationship was over and why.
Melanie – Do you think it’s possible to derive emotional benefit from occasional sex with a narcissist, on my terms?? Let me explain…
I was abused sexually through my adult life by my N husband. It was more emotionally traumatic and damaging than the complete financial ruin that followed and the six year divorce process. (Another story for another day perhaps.) For a long time, I believed I would never enjoy sex again. The thought of sex (or even going to bed at night) triggered fear and depression.
At 62…12 years after our separation, I began dating and found that I found a renewed love of sex! He, too, exhibited most of the traits of an N, so I ended the relationship. But… neither wanted to end the sex.
The benefits – I feel like I’m learning and applying boundary setting with an N. I’m not in love with him and I keep him at an arm’s length. I don’t have any delusions or desires for him as a soul partner or lifelong companion. But I’m having the best sex of my life at 63!! This N knows how to please a woman! (to get his supply, I suppose.) Either way, i’m Enjoying something I thought was gone forever!!
What do you think?? Could this be exactly what and who I need right now?… to practice dealing with N’s, AND find some lost lost pleasure that gives me hope, makes me feel a bit young, and vital again? I don’t want to hurt my healing process, but perhaps my years of internal work have led me here. To prove myself to myself. Or it’s a test. Hmm.
Thank you for sharing your story, growth and wisdom. And thank you in advance for any thoughts you may have for me. 🙂
Hi Tina,
I absolutely do see your point. The only concern I would have it the being connected to a false self could bring certain risks – such as std’s and being used as triangulation against other sources he will have.
Also when it is time to move on, are you able to do that cleanly and emotionally healthily?
I wish you every strength and healing whichever way this goes for you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
What an eye-opener this was ! Not in the sense that i didn’t know at the time that there was something terribly wrong going on , for all of the Red Flags were there waving at me furiously , and the alarm bells were loud and clear… No , the eye opening came from some of the finer points you touched on… For Narc #1 , the Ex husband actually put his insensitive feelings right on the table , after I approached him one evening trying to explain that sex needed to be more of a ‘ Spiritual connection ” , he exploded with… ” I’ve no idea what you’re talking about ! I only know I just want to get laid ! ”
Nice huh ? I laugh about it now , he is someone else’s problem… woe be to her..
For Narc #2 ( how quickly we forget ) … the recent Ex fiance’ , he was the worst , for he knew ALL of what I had previously gone thru and suffered , and acted like HE could NEVER treat ANYONE that way… For the first year he didn’t , for the next two… yes he did. Worse. For he did it willfully , knowingly, and deliberately.
And what you have described is so so on target. The feeling of emptiness , of lacking , and for me , since you said , we ARE all adults here… I am one of those women who is very multi-orgasmic , and it NEVER FAILS , that the Narc , after a time , focuses SOLEY on that , and tries to compete , or be ‘ the one ‘ to score the highest number…. I hated it. I craved the intimacy , the reaching of heights through that ‘ oneness ‘ , the gentleness , Sex is very very important to me , and to have it abused is so degrading… And you have nailed it , with the questions one needs to ask themselves.. For I am ‘ talking ‘ with someone new now , and we are spending each evening just …… talking. Getting to know each other. For almost 3 months now…
And I am still , so so frightened and nervous…. Because that is what the Narcs do to you…. they almost ruin you for anyone else… Almost.
Howdy Melanie, Finally got around to the sex blog. Strange it took so long cause love making is my absolute favorite thing and was my survival tool in all of my relationships with female narcissists. As we all know the differences between men and women is huge. I have paid so much attention to pleasing unpleasable women the past 40 years I knew everything you were going to say. I have become friends with a good number of narcissistically abused men and I think the following about myself will hold true for most Narc abused men. I am good at connecting down in the soul. I pay attention to the girl and learn about her. I learned to do all of the five love languages [flowers, compliments, dates, talking, helping with all tasks, giving foot rubs, back rubs, hugs]. I can say sorry and mean it. And of course keep doing these things on a long term basis!!!! I learned my whole body was important for good love making but especially my hands. I learned specifically what to do for a woman’s special little spot. And so it is my relationship habits provides a survival tool with these women that live for narcissistic supply. We can be hammered by this monster provided there is enough good sex!! And I do believe the far out female narcissist can connect a bit with a good healthy love making session. Big big difference here for male and female NARPers! Blessing to each of you. Kevin
Thank you Melanie for teaching me what real connection during sex is. I was married twice and had one other sexual partner and each time after I felt used. I was not taught what soul connection and intimate sex was like. I am so glad you described in detail so when I do meet my future husband I will know what to look for. Thank you for insisting I take my time and I believe now because I have done the inner work, I am worth a man taking his time to get to know me first and me know him. If this person doesn’t want to take his time to me that is a reason to let them go.
It’s so incredibly helpful to realize that the desire to co-regulate is actually good, whole, and wholesome. That is secure attachment as its best. That’s what we are all hardwired to do. So if we felt relaxed and loved while we were snuggled up with them, the feeling itself is very right to have. It does not necessarily mean that they loved us, though. That’s where my trauma that needed healing came into play. And it took a good while before I stopped feeling like an idiot for co-regulating with someone who did not love me, but only pretended.
It is most srange. I feel guilty about relating in parts to what you wrote dear Melanie. My experience entails both… at times a confusion and unwell feeling after having been sexual without wanting it and at the same time, very affectionate cuddling, embraces and making sure that I am allright during sex. Especially when spending the night together we are like loving cuddling otter. Even though we don’t live together anymore, we are still together. But since a few weeks I am holding a lot of distance, but no real clarity so far. The fact, that I experience affection and good energies mingled with ’empty’ ones makes it so difficult for me to leave. It’s a s if being with two men in one, if that makes sense. Hence my guilty feeling about me naming another soul a narcissist. This is probably also due to the fear of being labeled myself. Would it be advisable to go from Module 2 to Module 9 ? I hope my comment/ question is somewhat clear amidst the confusion. Thank you for your help and clarity : o)
Hi M,
Please know Altruistic n’s can be very loving, affectionate and adoring inbetween rages and discards.
Has that been happening – narcissi at other levels that you can see, or is it just a sense that something might be wrong?
However the real truth is M, regardless of what someone is or isn’t, we need to show up authentically.
That’s when the clarity and relief comes and the pain can end.
Have you been honest with what you are feeling, including saying ‘no’ when you don’t want sex?
When doing that, how is that received? If you haven’t been able to show up yet with boundaries and honesty, which may even include some space to find yourself and get clarity – what are the fears of doing so? It’s those that you can go inwards to and start addressing with NARP.
Our best clarity with others is about being truthful and authentic, and then we see if our feelings and needs and boundaries can be respected.
Narcissists have a very poor ability to do that – decent adults don’t.
I hope this helps, and also please know the NARP Forum is there to support you with your deep healing work and questions – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
Sending healing and clarity to you
Mel 🙏💕❤️
It is indeed those extremes that I have been experiencing, especially in the past. Rages, discard and what I call empathy vacuums, followed sometimes extremely quickly by affectionate and loving behaviour. Almost as though nothing had happened before. There is nothing more confusing then this, I believe. Since we live appart, things changed for the better and I do have space for myself. But a part of me can’t, won’t forget the past…even if this comparison may sound to heavy. It is almost as if I would ponder weather or not to go back/continue with someone who once hit me, but the person has no awareness about the impact or gravity of their action. And since these are ‘invisible’ emotional hits, it makes it even more difficult for me to address and ‘easy’ to be discarded. Although I would like to be honest about why I leave, when I leave.
Thank you Mel for your quick response, the helpful questions to ask and your good wishes! All the best to you and your team : O)
Hi M,
Have you checked out my blog about Altruistic Narcissists? That may explain to you a lot.
https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-the-narcissist-capable-of-loving/
Truly M if there isn’t the compassion, empathy and understanding as well as full responsibility for out of bounds actions, how can you be safe with this person?
The truth is you can’t.
Sending strength and power to you to honour your inner being and what it is telling you.
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Dear Melanie,
I just read the article from the above link… Thank you so much! … As well as this one https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-he-or-she-really-a-narcissist-laying-boundaries-and-accountability/.
The latter gave me even more clarity on my still unresolved situation (struggling with guilt and fear of leaving someone behind who began showing an improved behaviour)…
One of the many phrases (in which you pin point so accurately what I experience and what is still lacking) stood out for me as it just happened yesterday… “Projections, blame throwing and excuses are not acceptable – even if spasmodic. They either accept what they did was wrong and hurtful, or they don’t! There is no middle ground on this one.”
The excuses and defensiveness happened after I opened up about my inability to trust him after numerous incidents and how it makes it impossible for me to be intimate for a while now, especially while discussing a possible break up. Even though he apologized during the conversation and also today for being so easily irritable, I found myself so exhausted and sad after this (well known) “looping” conversation. The exhaustion and repetitive dynamic brought me again a step closer to accepting the end of an unhealthy relationship.
It also became clear again, that there is no wish from his side to get help with destructive patterns like “vengefullnes” that are a core issue and trust breaker for me. So, how indeed, can I feel safe with someone who is not ready to commit to their own healing. Instead I heard him state, that he is working on himself in his own way and pace. And wish to have the right to do so.
Thanks to the narc modules (even if I am still at Module 1+2 for almost a year now) I was able to acknowledge that it is indeed his right to do so. And that in this case I can’t move forward in that relationship.
With more and more awareness and very slowly clearing my blocks/ trauma, my inner vision begins to clarify… I step back and realise how unfamiliar (that’s a very fitting word in that context) it originally is to me to Not accept any abuse of any kind. In fact, the journey to even realise that abuse was going on in the first place.
Thank you again Melanie for your Soul & Life saving work and Healing Presence!
Sending you Love and Gratitude,
M. : o)
Hi M,
This response comes quite late, but I hope you chance to see it. You mentioned you’ve been with Mod 1 and 2 for a year. Makes me wonder if you somehow missed seeing the new Narp, version 3, that was released end of march this year.
Pretty powerful stuff and reaches far deeper than the earlier version. So your healing is likely to progress faster. You could email the support team to check how to get the free upgrade.
Cheers
Hi dear Melanie,
My N was a spiritual N. Verry sexual active and using drugs. This i found out later on. It’s so confusing too me that he helped me so much with things i was struggling with that I sometimes find myself still wandering if i just don’t see things wrong. But he ticks al the boxes of abuse so then i just hold on to that.
Officially we weren’t even in a relationship but saw each other for 5 months. With different silent treatments in between. It was mainly a physical relationship. Whoever, when i did exactly what he wanted, there would be a lot of contact. I asked numerous times that i needed something more but let myself be manipulated back to the casual thing. Being so ‘spiritual’ he manipulated me in saying I wasn’t capable of unconditional love if i didn’t let him be free and that it was all because of my ego that i asked more of him and because i asked, he couldn’t give freely anymore. Thinking he had borderline and the empath that i am i was just patiently waiting for him to see he could trust me. I was in a burnout so the whole concept of the innerself and ego came at a good time because i had some serious soul searching to do and really thought he had my best interest at heart. So i struggled with this all and didn’t want to see all the red flags. The second time we were intimate things got intens and he went in to panic mode. He didn’t want to give me affection afterwards anymore because ‘my ego and trauma was so great and this was not love he experienced but trauma’. Now i see this as the point where i got thru too his inner wounded self and protection was needed.
He used ‘sex for trauma healing’ and it was the best sex i ever experienced. And in between we would talk about spiritual things. Because of the drug use our sex could go on for hours and hours and so we would always take our time and take breaks to talk more. A bit further in the relationship or how to call this.. I began to see that he would start with everything my ego did and afterwards he would always say, ‘see, because of the sex your ego is quiet so no your inner self speaks’. The further along we went, the sex would be more and more about him. It was necessary to put on porn video’s because else he would get uncomfortable. And i wasn’t allowed to look at him anymore during sex. and he started wanting to add another man to the mix or wanted to have sex outdoors. And this is where i started really hesitating and fighting him on his behavior because i wanted to have a normal conversation on this and what i could expect if we would and the nr 1 manipulation topic was i handled only out of fear and doing these things would help me get over my fears. Even to the point of him saying my mother had cancer because of my behavior. That for me was the limit of what i could take.
I wonder what’s your take on this all.. I now think that because of the intensity of the sex and deep conversations this is where the addiction mainly started and that his manipulation really did his work because all my filters were gone and because i was in love and in a vulnerable place in my life.
I’m writing this and thinking, nobody in his right mind would understand this story and than i realize i also still love him.. It makes me so sad. If you have more info on how the feeling of being helped by a spiritual N but not for real and/ or sex with a spiritual N I would love to read this.
I’m ashamed that i read so many stories of people who are married for years and i have so much grieve for something non official but on the other hand for the last 5 months i was continually focused on him thinking we were soulmates in the beginning and i now think that not making it official just gave him more supply. It was a relationship of some sort.. And I’m in title to feel sorrow.
I went no contact last week after your 16 day program. Thank you so much for this! Looked at his fb yesterday and shouldn’t have done that. It’s like a punch in the face, seeing him as the so called guru he is.. So i thought, let’s just cry and feel extra compassion for myself today and tomorrow will probably all ready be a better one! I won’t give up. I’m torn between loving him and having no other choice but to protect myself. because i was not able to listen 100% to his demands, the punishment and manipulation became non stop and i just cannot be with him anymore. Now the feeling just have to follow..
Still grateful for everything that’s happening for me.. Because i was unable to stand up for myself and the past months forced me too learn my life lessons.
Much Love and gratitude.
F
(sorry for the Grammer, English is not my native language)
Hi F,
Oh gosh darling woman, I am so sorry you are going through this.
I too know exactly what it is like being hooked onto a very unstable and destructive and abusive narcissist.
F it is so good that you were with you today – Being with your inner being.
I know you know logically that there is no changing a man like this, and there is also no staying intact amongst his lack of respect and care for your emotions and person.
Not only are his acts traumatic to your soul they are physically putting you in absolute danger as well.
F, this I really want you to understand. The n’s in our life are about ‘us’. It’s actually not even about ‘them’.
This is about our unhealed parts that are trauma bonded to them. I know it feels like love, but I can assure you it’s not … and once you find and heal
your inner parts hooked into him, you will be astounded and repulsed that you even felt any connection at all.
It’s so important F to get clear about the following – no researching of him, sexual narcs or spiritual narcs is going to give you relief, emancipation and healing from this.
It is not going to reach deep inside your core, your very subconscious and find the inner unhealed traumss within you and associated painful beliefs that you need to let go of and go free from.
When you do this I promise you will go free from him. You will get out of the hellhole he represents, and you will heal onto a trajectory to receive real
kind live that can have incredible attraction connection and sex with as well.
NARP is your answer. It’s what saved my life from the trauma of a horrifying narcissist and it will save yours too
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
F you were already deeply with your inner child today, with NARP in no time at all you will have the tools to start freeing and saving her from her inner wounds – powerfully and quickly.
Most people feel incredible relief even after the first Module 1 healing, and in your dire predicament that is definitely needed.
Please know all of us Thrivers and myself are in the NARP Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member to help you expertly heal in the fastest and most direct line possible – from the inside out.
Sending you tons of love and support
Mel 🙏💕❤️
Thank you for this sweet reply. Means a lot. I’m so programmed to look to others instead of myself I keep forgetting and going back to looking too my N for answers (or boundaries..). And when i met him it felt as if someone finally truly saw me and i felt so save and whole.. So yes, there is some serious work to do here :). I will sign up for NARP. I’m sooooo over this.
He even said once “if you’d truly loved yourself you wouldn’t wanna be with me” what a beautiful irony..
Thank you! F.
Hi F,
That’s so great sweetheart and you are so welcome.
Enough of this pain you are ready to heal hun.
Please make sure you come into the NARP Forum so that we can help support you http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
So much love and healing to you
Mel 🙏💕❤️
The guy I just split with always wants to talk about having sex with other people while we’re having sex. Every time. Makes me feel like he’s not having sex with me. And I asked why he never wanted to pleasure me orally. His response was “I like lots of pubic hair, and you choose to keep yours shorter than I like.” What do you make of this?
The guy I just split with always wants to talk about having sex with other people while we’re having sex. Every time. Makes me feel like he’s not having sex with me. And I asked why he never wanted to pleasure me orally. His response was “I like lots of pubic hair, and you choose to keep yours shorter than I like.” What do you make of this?
This is where I’m deeply confused. Am in my mid fifties and have had multiple relationships with narcissists now, and finally coming to terms with what’s going on. I’ve had different styles of narcissistic relationships, and the root of it all is my extremely narcissistic father who I cut off from for life 6 months ago. Very proud of that accomplishment. Am engaged in a co-dependent 12 step program, been doing that for a year, but it’s not enough. I finally realized that my addiction is narcissistic abuse. It has a hold over me, the hold I believe in this last instance, was the sex.
The sex with the others was bad, and exactly as described above. I felt used, disconnected at all levels. But then again I had some sexual issues myself. Was abused by my perverted alcoholic father and had trouble to say the least, with intimacy, though I tried very hard. My sexual relationships, especially with the narcissists were disastrous. My partners weren’t skilled for sure, that created all sorts of problems for me, vaginismus for one, that created narcissistic injury and it got very, very ugly. Became a viscious cycle and a physical one.
Enter narcissist number three two years ago. He was so kind and compassionate about that. And so skilled ! The sex was off the charts and it’s what’s keeping me stuck in the memories and psychic, even physical entanglement. We’ve been broken up for ten months. I That intense intimacy I experienced, or thought I experienced still has a painful hold over me. We were only together a year, and it took me 6 of those months to try to break up with him. It was hard. He’s also an extremely talented artist, a well known art dealer and I’m a painter. So…that connection was also and remains hard to let go of. He was controlling, bullying, a financial train wreck, a user, etc, etc. When I finally did break it off, he was with someone else within the week and informed me of his new person on my birthday. It was excruciating. He broke up with her two months later and tried to befriend me. The memory of that sex and the way he made me feel, kept me coming back for these attempted friendship calls. They were always about using me in some way. Now he’s with a new girlfriend and wants to talk to me about her. It’s AGONY. He doesn’t understand if it hurts why I broke up with him. Anyway, there’s no point trying to talk to him. It’s over, I’m going NO CONTACT to protect myself 100%. Enough. My question though, is that I think a narcissist can be very very skilled sexually, tender, connected, patient, and hook people in that way. That seems to be what happened to me.
Replying to my own comment here. I read your other article 50 shades of narcissist. Jeez and my GOD. That answered a lot of my torchured questions on this subject. What I thought was great sex most certainly included a very sick underbelly. Power tripping for sure for the narcissist, sexual conquests, taking up a challenge, creating fights to have make up sex. I must have been addicted to all of that and playing out my lack of confidence, and self esteem. Signing up for your program right now. I have some deep healing work to do and excited to finally tackle it. Your work and writing is amazing.
I’m so glad I’ve seen this. I made a comment below – unlike most experiences cited here – the sex with my ex was amazing, best ever & hugely satisfying. I loved it…. and I’m going to miss it terribly 😭
Hoping the terrible temper, manipulation, lies and 2 attempts (at least) to poison me will ensure I don’t go back for the sex…! Onwards and upwards
Thank you for sharing. My most recent relationship to my wife was such a shock. Initially she was the woman of my dreams but quickly I was so confused because of how unpleasant sex was. I had never met anyone so selfish in the bedroom. She was unable to become turned on without fantasies which were way outside of my boundaries. I let my boundaries down and so I felt really disgusting during these acts. I did my best to share my feelings but she never wanted to hear my feelings. Emotionally she would shred me and also talk about her past relationships and how those other men would do certain things with her. God, it was awful! I just wanted sex to be over each time it started which is not a normal for me. Oh, she also wanted at least an hour session of sex each day. I totally would love to have long love making sessions from time to time but this requirement and her making me feel shame because keeping up that standard was not possible which made me feel awful. If I accidentally finished before her or sometimes before she would finish multiple times but not want to finish yet, she would rage at me. I learned my wife had boarderline after the relationship ended in a violent attack, which ended our marriage. I wish I had kept my boundaries to keep myself safe. I am really having a tough time moving forward in life after this awful relationship. I see no hope other than trying to fix this mess of a relationship.
This line rang true.: Due to getting stimulated from non-connected sex, a female narcissist may not be able to sustain arousal without play-acting, talking dirty or other auto-erotic stimulation.
She made me feel so strange for simply enjoying sex by itself without external inputs. I just really loved her.
Hi Melanie,
I am so glad you included this topic in your videos. Sex is a major thing in many relationships. For a narcissist, it can be EVERYTHING. You could not have phrased it any better when you said the narc pursues sex as if “his life depends on it…” That was soooo true with my ex. He prided himself on being very sexual and, in truth, he did have amazing strength and endurance during sex. He is also well hung. But in 8 years I never had an orgasm with him. That feels really TMI for me to admit, but it’s not shyness I feel, it’s embarrassment. How could I stay in a sexual relationship with a man when I could never relax enough to achieve full satisfaction?
Even in bed he projected his monstrous needs onto me. I was “worthy” to be with him because he valued me (hence himself) as a great “performer.” In fact, my bedroom skills were the ONLY thing he ever complimented me on on a regular basis. I felt cheapened by this but also so addicted to him that I craved any sort of approval, even comments akin to being a good prostitute.
Because sex is such an intimate thing, it is a powerful tool for a narc. As a partner in the charade, I lied to myself about his coldness. For a while, I did truly have fun being with someone so vigorous.. so sexy! Over time, however, my boundaries were being crossed. He would contact me not with a normal lover’s text saying “hi honey” but with a demand that I come over and get him off. He sent crude memes and obscene cartoons. He always wanted me to send nude pics of myself, a thing he knew I hated and feared because of what could happen with those pics when he got mad. When I complained about any of those things, he belittled me and accused me of “getting old” and losing my sense of humor and eroticism. I won’t go into unnecessary details about our sex experiences, just suffice to say it was NEVER tender and slow. It was frantic and exhausting. To his credit (or maybe to mine) the sex was never outright violent or nonsensual. But it was not RIGHT. Still, because I was satisfying him sexually I wanted to believe there was hope for emotional intimacy.
There are, of course, many other aspects of this abusive relationship that made it a bewildering rollercoaster ride for me. I have written about some of these details on this site and I’m sure I will write about others, in the future. But the sex was a really big trap in this particular relationship. I don’t know how many other people in narcissistic abuse feel this to be true.
Long story short, I am out of the relationship. I have maintained zero contact for 6 months. We have had “breakups” in the past…. some so earth-shatteringly bad that I couldn’t imagine a reconciliation. But in the back of my mind I always knew I could return to him at any time. And we did get back together…. over and over and over again. Apparently, I was great narcissist supply. Negative attention and positive.. I fed him. And I suffered.
My head is finally so clear now that I know I don’t want that in my life again. Period. But being DONE does not mean memories are magically erased or even that they should be. There are moments I still think about the laughter (for all his faults he could be really funny), and the sex. These things happened, too. I think it’s ok to miss the good stuff. Then, however, my rational self reminds me that he was never really THERE. I know I can have great times with people who authentically enjoy themselves, and me! A narcissist doesn’t really enjoy anything; he just leeches whatever energy he can from his victims. That is so sad.
I haven’t tried to date anyone, yet, but I will when I feel up to it. Maybe I need more help from your program first.
Thank you again for this topic.
Hi Jaya,
You are very welcome and I am so pleased that this topic and writing have helped validate you.
You are right, no matter how addictive, the sex is not right and the narcissist is not there.
You are also right re that we cant just flick a switch to exorcise these people out of our systems.
Jaya truly do start NARP. I promise you it is the way to get true emancipation from all that has unconsciously hooked us to narcissists as well as the suffering they inflict
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/harp
Sending you blessings and breakthroughs
Mel 🙏💞💛
I got involved with a narcissist outside of my marriage.
I was absolutely showered in compliments and the sex was great. The connection felt real and I was extremely attracted to her.
As the affair went on though there were more and more demands placed on me.
I knew she had issues. She had regular psych appointments and was leaving these people at a bit of a loss with diagnosis.
The diagnosis they were seeming to narrow in on was BPD.
I was dropping of and picking up her child, doing housework, driving her places when she lost her license (she could make really, really bad decisions sometimes),
and constantly trying to calm her down and deal with her talking of suicide.
I was getting very tired and starting to distance from my wife and family.
She was getting more demanding for my time and starting to punish me with interactions with other men online (texting, sending pics and videos and making sure I knew all about it)
I would try to organise an amicable split but she would always get me to come back with tugging at my heart strings or constant requests for sex or reminders of past sex.
She then started talking down a lot more about my wife and pushing hard for me to leave my wife.
I went to a psychologist to try and work out my feelings.
When I decided to stay with my wife that’s when the punishments ramped up.
We would part and then the next day I would get a call telling me graphic details of the sex she just had with another man.
I can still remember the pleasure in her voice or on her face when she told me this stuff.
I would get very upset. She would then contact me constantly. I would always cave eventually. We would reconcile.
This cycle continued for a while as I felt more and more worthless and more and more guilty. My marriage was starting to fall apart.
I was demanded not to have sex with my wife while she did whatever she liked.
Eventually after one particularly nasty punishment, which was again graphically described to me, I cut contact for 3 or 4 days and she went berserk.
Called about 100 times a day at least.
Started emailing and calling my wife really nasty graphic stuff.
I still reconciled though. The sex was just perverted now and all love gone but I still felt like I couldn’t go without.
I made the decision to stop though.
She went away for a week. I called to see how she was and was hung up on.
She called me back the next day telling me how much she loved me and all the usual stuff, I said I wasn’t leaving and she went berserk again and made it clear we were to never talk again.
I was labelled as scum and a new narrative was being written for me.
It was like nothing had ever happened and she sounds like a totally different person.
It blew my mind and was incredibly hurtful and hard to deal with.
This was almost 3 years of my life.
Last time I heard from her she called my work saying it was urgent.
I foolishly called back and she told me that I had given her gonorrhea.
I couldn’t believe the irrationality of that statement and got angry and she hung up.
I have done a lot of damage to my wife and family.
And I feel traumatised myself.
The whole experience has broken me and everything else.
My self esteem is shot.
I had to go see my parents just so they could tell me I am not this horrible person – that I have always been a good and caring person.
And yet I still miss her.
I wish I had never done any of it.
I definitely got what I deserved.
You’re not a horrible person and you did not deserve what you got. You thought you found real love and treated it and her like it was. You wanted to believe the best of her. I have had more than one narcissist in my life, one of which I married and stayed with for over 30 years. If not for our daughter, I believe it was wasted time. I lost so much of myself and there is so much damage, it will be years to heal. If you work at your marriage, you can heal it. If it’s not viable, then leave. Either way, you’re wiser now and you know what to look for and be careful of. You’ll probably always feel a heartache there and miss who you thought she was, but it will get easier. I wish you peace, love, and healing.
Hello John Williams.,
I am living the same experience for almost 5 years now. I would like to come in contact with you.
my mail is [email protected] or in facebook: Apostolos Moulartzis
I’d appriciate. Thank you!
Hi there
20 year old male who came out of a terrible narcissistic relationship with an abusive, sex addicted girl.
Thank you for your video, it’s really bringing it all together for me.
Hi there Melanie, I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to make these videos. They have been really eye opening to me, as a 20 year old male who just recently (1 year) came out of a terrible abusive relationship with a narc. These videos are really helping me put everything together, and understand why she treated me like she did.
Thank you.
Hi Elijah,
It’s my pleasure and I’m so pleased this helped give you clarity.
Power and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💞💛
this is a great article I never thought of writing a comment on a page called; it’s hard to see your true love take a different direction, hi everyone my name is maria luke I’ve been married for 20 years and one day my husband told me he couldn’t continue our marriage because he had seen another woman decide to ask for help and to find someone with my similar story online, how his marriage was restored and I feel that this will change my story, I live happily with my husband, just like when we get married, we strengthen our love for each other and I also discover that my husband had a negative influence, I am very grateful to this person for the help, if you need support., Whatsapp 23490) 6157) 0504) etc.
I’m not sure if you are answering comments here still, I hope you are. I am no longer in contact with this woman but on our second night out we made out heavily in her car, she grabbed my hand and placed it in her pants and opened her shirt for me. That should have been a red flag there. A week and a half later, we ended up having sex. It felt disconnected and she didn’t kiss much. She never offered oral sex even though I was more than happy to oblige. It had been a long time for me and my anxiety gave me some “performance problems” at the start. I never climaxed due to my nervousness but she did, twice. The very next morning, she said her stomach was feeling strange, that she was feeling strange about what we’d done (even though she’d pushed for it). The following day, she gave me the first push, saying that she was still feeling weird and that it was a mistake to sleep together. I told her that we could take it slow from then on, I wasn’t in it just for the sex. She agreed but things weren’t the same since. She became more distant, then she would get closer and then pull away. When I asked her if it had something to do with the sex she told me no, that I satisfied her well (not sure I can believe her). In any case, two weeks later of not knowing where I stood exactly with her yet with constant contact she finally told me that she was feeling strange again, like after we had sex. I asked her if she wanted to end it and she asked “End What? What do we have?” During the love bombing stage, she was telling me I was hers, that she wasn’t interested in anyone else, that she wanted things to work out between us! I won’t lie, this has hit my male ego hard, seeing as the moment the love bombing stopped was after sex. Was it the intimacy that scared her off? I still don’t understand.
Wow. Searching the internet for “why does sex with narcissist husband feel weird and unnatural”; I landed here. I cannot say how relieved I am to find that it’s not me, it’s not that I’m not attractive anymore, it’s HIM. All him. We married after years of being off and on. Always knew something was not quite right about him, but hey I’m not perfect either. 9 months after marrying him, I realized he has NPD. Sex with him has always been unfulfilling, but love was most important to me. It was always weird and I always felt like I was with someone who was very inexperienced. His erections were always weak and he would orgasm in less than 2 minutes…sometimes 5 strokes…no kidding. His oral was like a boy learning or he didn’t like it. When he touched me down there, it was like he didn’t know what to do. He would suck my breasts for maybe a minute. I just thought he was bad in bed, but I told him as long as he worked on it, we are good. Fast forward 10 years later, he is 45. Although some things have gotten better, sex is still very unsatisfying. He finally went to get Viagra 5 months ago, but says it gives him headaches…so guess what, he doesn’t want to take them. I’ve lost my desire for him because of issues outside of the bedroom mainly, the sex is bad on top of it, there is no physical or emotional intimacy in the bedroom or outside. He doesn’t watch porn, I’ve asked him to role play, gave him suggestions of how we could do it, nothing ever happened. One night, out of the blue, with no warning saying things like: If my wife wasn’t sitting right there I would ask for your number. Even at times saying it in front of people. It was weird as heck and a turn off. Nothing sexy about it. I realized that was his way of role playing and on his terms. We are never on the same page sexually. I don’t initiate it anymore because it seems really bad when I do. So, I just wait for him and when he wants it, of course my body really isn’t in the mood but I do it anyway. This has been going on so long and when the love I had for him was strong, I overlooked it, but because since getting married we have had some incidents where I feel disrespected, I have lost alot of respect, love and desire for him. I am not comfortable making suggestions because he is either going to take it personal or like before I’ll say it and although he won’t say it, he won’t follow through, which is his way of saying he doesn’t want to…but besides that, I don’t even feel the desire to go there with him anymore. I thank God, I have discovered he has NPD. I am learning more about HIM, while teaching myself how to survive this relationship. I hardly ever express my concerns, even if I’m bothered by something, I get over it quickly and don’t waste my emotions on it or tell him how I really feel, I never cry in front of him anymore. I don’t share much about me with him anymore because I know he really has no interest anyway. When I have ideas, I don’t express them because he is just going to disagree with me anyway. I’ve kind of given up in my mind and heart, I just go through the motions. I know we will not grow old together. I am very much a giver, but even givers need to receive. in time, I will walk away. Thank you so much for this information.
Thanks for the article. I enjoyed reading it
Hi Mel,
Wouldn’t a covert narcissist or during the love bombing phase be able to play act “love” making?
Hi Neta,
Absolutely! A narcissist can act out anything.
However, something feels off within our Inner Being, which is never fooled. It’s only our personality desires and ideas of things that are.
I hope that this helps clarify
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
I seem to be the exception. Sex with my ex narc psycho was amazing. He was so patient, and took great pains to make sure i was enjoying it. Best ever. I’m going to miss it so badly.
I just didn’t know any better. After 40 years of being with only one man, I didn’t know any different. All of these comments and the video were my life. It’s crazy to think that one person can do so much harm. One year divorced now I am on my way to recovery, peace and forgiveness to myself. It’s been a hard and difficult journey. Everything explained in the video and the comments from so many women were the way I was from the feeling of being ashamed after sex, porn of everything to all ages, feeling used, feeling disgusted at what he wanted and what I was engaging in, to feeling so unattached emotionally, his multiple affairs has left me speechless. He is involved with a girl 27 years younger than him now. He’s 59 She’s 32. That affair went on for two and half years before I finally left and made everything happen for myself. Never did I know that I wasn’t standing up for myself. I was trying to save our marriage of so many years. He really didn’t care. I know this now. I was discarded because the supply had run out.
Thank you for this video it makes me realize how important that connection is with someone I long to share with. I always knew that I wanted that deep connection, that deep love and emotion. Being 59 is scary and thinking about being intimate with another man is frightening. But I know someone is out there waiting for me…
I just have to be patient.
Before I married my narc, I was a very sexual, sensual person.
Fast forward 22 years, we were in couples’ counseling after discovering his first affair — and I was told I was sexually anorexic. I believed it, I felt it. No drive, no arousal, no orgasm.
The narc behaved like a teenager: His fore play consisted of him declaring, “I’m horny.” His technique was: Wham, bam, thank you, ma’am.
Turns out, I wasn’t anorexic, dead or frigid. Two years post divorce, I’m enjoying my sexuality more than ever!
Now I have experienced tantric lovemaking with a tender, loving man who isn’t selfish and addresses me as a beautiful woman, not just a pair of breasts.
Spot On Mel ❤️❤️❤️🙏
Chronic cheaters, addicts and liars can definitely pull you to their level, then happily go about their lives earning lots of money with wealthy companies, buying themselves expensive items and feeling totally healthy to climb mountains and live their best life while you struggle to get by and meet your responsibilities.
As a man recovering from the fallout from a relationship with a female Histrionic Narcissist, you are beyond fooled in the love bombing phase. She is the ultimate femme fatale and looks the part. Bridget Bardot meets Pamela Anderson. The sex is incredibly intense. After all the “knight in shining armor” BS and intense soul fucking, you truly feel you are bonding with your soulmate. You believe this is emotional sex, but perhaps just a tad kinky. The sex itself had elements of the following:
1. Overall, I felt a desire from HER to please ME. I had the same enthusiasm, but I was always left wondering if I was genuinely pleasing her. Even though the evidence might be there with orgasms and words like “You are a fucking stallion”, you still feel like something is amiss. That unsure feeling is pervasive, but you shrug it off because you are absolutely mad.
2. Objectified in every way. Everything in bed was about objectification, control with a mix of possession. “Is this c%ck mine?” “This is your pu$@y!” …it goes on and on.
3. Role Play. Lots of dirty talk “Am I your slut, a whore, etc?” “Punish me.” (in reality, she was unfaithful, so that could be its own perversion). Don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with playful trash talk, but again…something just feels slightly off about it when THEY do it. That said, you’re crazy for it and ignore the voice inside you asking “Is this trash talk feeling a bit strange in some way I can’t explain?”. Perhaps, that’s your subconscious giving you a warning. You’re being used and abused. Or “hey, maybe this feels phony.”
4. The sex always felt thrilling, but sometimes oddly mechanical and pragmatic. Lots of times she would just ask plain and simple out of nowhere “Wanna fuck?” Of course I do. Reward!
5. Nothing emotional postcoital ever. Sex for her felt more like going to the bathroom and coming back to bed. It’s more like how you would imagine a stereotypical emotionless man being finished.
6. Eventually, it felt like I had no power initiating sex and it was all on her watch when/how it would play out.
7. Lots of talk outside the bedroom of sexual conquests and scenarios that any man would die to be a part of. It had its desired effect. It made me insanely jealous of her past, of those men. I’ve never felt that before, even with other exes sharing past experiences. Why did this rile me up?
….These are just a few of the reminders.
What also struck me is how in-sync she was with my body. It was uncanny and consequently addictive. She could almost sense EXACTLY what I needed/when I wanted to climax. It was like having a mind reader inside my body. Never before has a woman read me so well physically. We all love some kink and emotionless sex, but I found it absolutely intoxicating. I was thrilled by the dirty words of objectification, of herself/myself. I loved the role playing with control/power. I even liked the pragmatic invites, “let’s fuck”, devoid of any foreplay. I imagine my sexual attachments have everything to do with the mind games that preceded the bedroom. I’ve definitely “made love” in other deep relationships with dirty talk etc. Why was this so much different? The one thing I try to focus on was the stress outside the bedroom that made the sex that much more intense. They are so unpredictable that the sex is actually weaponized as our release – the brief moments we have that feel like harmony with them.
Hi Tom,
you have absolutely described what many men with narcissistic women do.
Wishing you powerful healing and fantastic future, soul fulfilling relationship experiences.
Mel 🙏💕💚
I’m so grateful to read this stuff as I’ve never talked about it with my friends because it’s awful. Sex with my ex was great at first. He seemed so happy to be with me. But it changed quickly. It always seemed like porn sex, he wanted it to go on for hours every time and while I was up for that sometimes, with 3 kids and a job I didn’t have the time or energy for it to be like that every time! He was always asking me for things that I didn’t want to do – to come on my face, anal, sex in public and I’d explain to him that while I wasn’t necessarily unwilling to go there with him at some point, there would have to be a deeper level of intimacy and trust with him than I was feeling yet. He told me other women let him urinate in their mouths – and I made it clear that would never happen with me and he said he didn’t want it to but I’m sure it’s what he would have pushed for if my other boundaries had dropped. He would spit on me, slap me and choke me and call me names and I’d tell him I wasn’t into it, that it made me feel disconnected and again, that while that stuff could be on the menu, I needed connected sex and that given that he was verbally abusive, that stuff didn’t feel like playing around and sexy – it just felt like abuse. Once after a verbally abusive night, I really wanted us to reconnect and he was at my house and saying he would only stay if I came home and slept with him and the sex was so unconnected and more of the same and I began crying and he just stopped when he saw that I was crying but never said anything about it. He was constantly accusing me of being sexless – even though we had sex pretty much every day were together – it was like he’d forget that we did – maybe because he was also an alcoholic. He pushed me into sex when he was just out of hospital and had a colostomy bag in and when I had a sprained pubis and pinched nerve in my spine – even though I told him I was in pain. It was just easier to give in because if I said no he’d rage at me. He’d try to get me to have sex with him in the back room at the shop I managed or in my friends driveway while we were waiting for a cab. The night my stepmother died and I had to call my brother and tell him and was also preparing to have surgery the next day and he could see that his chance of sex had disappeared, he went through my messages and came in calling me a bitch and a cunt while I was on the phone to my brother because I used more exclamation marks when I messaged a friend and it was warmer than when I messaged him. When I was at my grandmothers deathbed in another town for 4 days he kept messaging me that he needed more sex and I suspect he fucked a mutual ‘friend’ in my bedroom. I kept leaving him – because of his verbal abuse of me – and every time he’d be straight in bed with one or more of his back-up women. Why would I stay with him? He was absolutely adoring to me a lot of the time. He really convinced me that he loved me. He showered me with compliments and acts of service. He was desperately broken hearted when I left him. And he was fun and funny and was up for partying as hard as me. I went back to him 3 times. Almost a fourth but, after spending 3 days with me and then back to his property in another town for the week messaging me that he loved me, he came into town and the night before my kids were going to be away and he was going to come over I felt suspicious and went to the mutual ‘friend’s place he was staying at and heard them on the verandah, him calling her ‘baby’ and them going off to have sex. He messaged me ‘Baby!’ first thing the next morning. Ugh. When I confronted him, once he realised I knew and he couldn’t lie his way out of it, he told me I’d always had a problem with that friend and it didn’t count because he wasn’t properly hard! Then sent me a message sarcastically thanking me and telling me he was suicidal. 2 weeks later he came over to take away a tree in my backyard that he’d promised to and ended up drinking whiskey with me and trying to convince me that he really did love me and when I went in to change the record I looked through the glass french doors over his shoulder and could see him messaging another woman he was sleeping with and her telling him that she didn’t believe in the sisterhood, she just worked around it and him telling her he was going ‘balls deep in your arse tomorrow night’. God. Why am I even sad about this guy? I am though, there’s been noone in the 18 months since and it’s still on my mind all the time. He still tries to hoover me back. I feel like I’ve been poisoned.
I had orgasms every single time when I was with my non-narc ex, but after I started dating the narc, orgasms just stopped. Now I know why.
I also felt bad, sad and empty after sex. Sometimes I cried and he didn´t notice. He said I was difficult to please in bed and he wanted written instructions on how to make me aroused. He thought there was something wrong with me when I said that there is no one particular way that will every single time work for me. Now when I think of it all, it was so disconnected 🙁
Thank you for this video. I was with my narc husband for 40 years (only sexually partner) and you have put into words exactly what I always felt and couldn’t understand. I always felt that I just wasn’t “sexual” enough and it was me that had the problem. I was always able to orgasm, but I always felt a complete emptiness and sometimes would cry (and not know why). I now understand I was emotionally feeling used. When I finally told him to leave, I, for whatever reason, finally felt and realized that it wasn’t me. This realization came, not with getting into another relationship, but deeply feeling my own emotions. It’s insidious what these people do and your videos are truly eye opening. Thank you again.