Melanie Tonia Evans

Peace After Narcissistic Abuse Is Possible (Even If You Can’t Go No Contact)

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 16
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Narcissistic abuse is one of the most deadly and disgusting real-life horror stories that anyone could go through.

It triggers such feelings of powerlessness, rage, betrayal, devastation and shock that we wonder how we are going to stay vertical and breathing, let alone get through it.

How on earth could you feel peace after what happened to you?

I discovered how powerful the key component of PEACE is in narcissistic abuse recovery, how to embody it, become it, and how this not only rendered the narcissist powerless against me but also kicked my life off into a rebuild of abundance and wellness that surpassed my wildest and most sought after dreams.

This is why I am DARING To bring you the information regarding PEACE in this Thriver TV episode because I know it is a ground-breaking healing key for you too.

 

 

Video Transcript

I remember many years ago when I went online and tried to get support from other people suffering from narcissistic abuse.

I discovered I was entering something akin to a battlefield; injured people screaming in agony everywhere. Peace certainly wasn’t a thing. It seemed like no one had it, and much less knew how to get it.

Peace wasn’t a priority, even though I’m sure everyone deeply wanted it. Instead, people were sharing their war stories with each other, getting angrier and more devastated about what narcissists had done to them.

In today’s Thriver TV episode, I want to talk to you about PEACE, and how it is the number 1 commodity to go for, as well as how when you make peace ‘everything’, then everything else will follow.

I am also going to help you know how to achieve it, after narcissistic abuse, regardless of who the narcissist is in your life is, and even if you can’t go No Contact with this person.

 

Why Is Peace Everything?

It’s because, at Quantum Reality, everything in your outer Universe is responding to your Inner Universe. When we start awakening to this, we know our inner emotional state is exactly the template for how our outer life will go.

The old beliefs we had as humans are: ‘If I change what is going on outside of me then how I feel on the inside will change’. Wrong-town! This is especially flawed when dealing with narcissists. If you try to battle them from an inner place of devastation, heartbreak and white-hot fear, then what the narcissist will dish up to you is even greater abuse, providing more of these inner states.

When we become conscious, we know that we are self-generative Beings, and IF we achieve peace on the inside, then narcissists start to lose their power over us.

We are no longer triggered. We respond in ways that don’t feed them energy, or we refuse to respond at all. We take calm action against what the narcissist is trying to do, or just let the attempt melt away on its own accord.

We can lay clear solid boundaries where necessary and stop trying to appease the narcissist, strike a deal and keep them ‘sane’ (which only allows them to abuse and take from us more), because we are no longer giving in to their disordered threats, demands, accusations and grandstanding.

We stand tall instead.

We also start to experience from all of Life, connected to this situation, the RIGHT people showing up to grant more of the peace that we have established on the inside. We find that as a result of taking care of and supporting our own emotional state and bringing it to peace, that life and others start to support us as well.

It seems like a miracle, but it’s not. It’s simply Quantum Law, so within, so without.

Before you say, “Melanie here is this new-age woohoo crap that is not logical!” I really invite you to not take my word for it. Instead look deeply at your own life and be honest with yourself. From fixing a household item to a disagreement with anyone, were the results favourable when you felt agitated and out of sorts? No! It was only when you calmed down (went for peace before the issue was solved) that you got real results.

Neuroscientists are now proving that when we are in emotional trauma we don’t have access to the part of our brain required for solutions. They also believe that there is no access to thoughts or The Field (unfoldings) that are of a healthier version than that of the trauma.

The bottom line is, I personally don’t care what proof there is, or what I could be researching. To me truly that’s all a waste of time, but be my guest if you wish! My suggestion is, rather, simply start making ‘peace’ your priory before outer events shift and then see them shift, sometimes instantly… and you will be living the truth of this Quantum Law, and THEN you will believe it.

If you want to experience what I’m saying and if this resonates with you, I’m running a workshop this week that will help you with releasing the traumas that are not allowing you to feel inner peace. You can register for the next available workshop by clicking here.

 

A Deeper Look At Peace

I want to explain to you what establishing peace in the face of trauma ISN’T.

It’s not:

  • Giving up and giving in.
  • Condoning and allowing someone’s poor behaviour.
  • Apathy or non-caring.

Rather, establishing peace in the face of trauma IS:

  • Bringing one’s power back to self (this is the only place it resides).
  • Aligning with and creating your healthy life regardless of what someone else or isn’t trying to do to you.
  • Caring about your life and your application to it, as well as what is true and real, in profound and powerful ways.

Interestingly, a lack of inner peace (having the trauma remain within) creates the very opposite of the results we want (ironically which is, of course, is resolution and then inner peace).

This is because the feelings and thoughts of needing accountability and justice and not being able to feel any peace unless this happens, only mean more victimisation and lack of closure keeps happening.

How interesting it is, in the way the human experience has been set up (which we all missed because we weren’t taught it) that the state, the feeling of ‘peace’, must proceed the events that bring peace.

RELIEF comes before RESULT.

It’s not the other way around, and this is why we need to go for the peaceful emotion first.

 

What Does Peace Really Mean?

  • It means this no longer triggers me.
  • It means being trauma-free.
  • It means no matter what my outer life looks like, and what is going on, I am connected to myself peacefully. I’m in acceptance that all of this is unfolding perfectly for my highest good and greatest self, and I am safe.
  • This means not being attached to any particular outcome at all.
  • This means not needing any particular outcome to occur in order to be peaceful because you already are.

I know getting there is a BIG CALL after narcissistic abuse. MASSIVE!

If you had told me to ‘just be like this’ after narcissistic abuse, I probably wouldn’t have been responsible for the swear words I would have said to you.

Fortunately, you know that I have been through it and that I too was at the brink of total destruction from this, and I came back. The reason is: because I know how to go for and ‘be peaceful’ under every circumstance now. And since doing this, finally, for the first time in lifetimes, my life has filled with abundance and joy, and my life works. Whereas before it never did.

The one simple formula I have that creates this with every topic in my life that hurts me, confuses me, or challenges me, is: I do Quanta Freedom Healing on it. I release all associated trauma and painful beliefs out of my inner being on that topic and bring in my superconscious self which KNOWS what to generate and do for my highest best.

Then I think, feel and operate in healthy ways on that topic, because I am at peace about it.

That’s it! That’s what I do!

So, now that I hope I’ve inspired you to get to peace no matter what, I really hope I can answer some of the burning questions that you may have.

 

How To Get Peace When Enmeshed With A Narcissist?

You may still be living with a narcissist, working with one, running into a family narcissist at gatherings, or have one as a neighbour. And of course parallel-parenting with one.

You may have heard everywhere how vital No Contact is and how it is so hard to heal without it. This is where Modified Contact comes in, which is about detaching as much as possible and not granting any emotional energy to the narcissist at all, regardless of how much he or she tries to trigger you by baiting you with insults, threats, bad behaviour or parading new supply in your face.

Absolutely, having the narcissist still in your face takes things to another level, yet please know after the psychic vandalization of narcissistic abuse, even if you never see the narcissist ever again, he or she is living on inside you anyway. You are not free of the narcissist, at all, until you learn what I am about to tell you, which is the ‘peace component’.

The only way to get peace is this:  Resolve everything within yourself that the narcissist triggers.

This following orientation is required to shift away from ‘I am going to retaliate and try to stop you assaulting/hurting/degrading me’, to ‘You are trying to get attention from me to feed your significance with any method possible. I NOW cut off that energy supply by giving you NOTHING.’

And, ‘Thank you for triggering within me a past, generational or childhood trauma that I haven’t found and released yet.’

And, ‘Now that I can track, heal and live free of this trauma, you have just handed me the next key to not just release myself from your garbage, but also the fears and traumas that have always held me back in some way.’

So, this is the deal, rather than latching onto trying to belt the narcissist around the ears to get ourselves to a state of peace, we go inwards, find the associated triggered trauma, release it and bring peace in instead.

Then truly, what the narcissist is saying to you and trying to do to you becomes as insignificant as a slug that you just stepped over on the pavement and continued walking past.

Yes, the narcissist may pop, and up the ante. But then calmly and clearly you report any threats or physical acts and mean it. No more are you going to get shoved around. You are not buying into abuse, you refuse to participate with it, and you will not tolerate it.

When you become ‘anti-fear’ and embody peace and strength, wait and see how powerless the narcissist becomes.

Naturally, getting away from abuse and not having abusive people in your life is the goal. Then this level of powerful, peaceful detachment creates the space to get your new life started, look for another profession or know that now this family member can only approach you with respect, or you grant them nothing anymore.

Or maybe the narcissist, now that you are prepared to forge your own life calmly and powerfully, just disappears and leaves your experience anyway. (Trust me this happens a lot!)

Profound huh? And profoundly true. You just have to live it to find out.

 

Getting To Peace Under the Most Horrific Circumstances

I know with all my heart how terrible it has been for many of you suffering such losses, including possibly the custody of your children. Things that are so beyond painful that it seems impossible to reach a state of peace.

I talk about, in my free Quanta Freedom Healing workshop, how Dot in her 70s had not seen her children or her grandchildren for 32 years because of a narcissistic ex-husband alienating them for her.

After working NARP Modules, and releasing the unspeakable trauma about this, which had haunted Dot her whole life, her estranged son contacted her out of the blue, and now she is connected to all her family lovingly. Was this a coincidence? No. What happened was finally Dot reached peace with ‘what is’ on that topic, and then it could shift.

The same happens when we have health and financial devastations with narcissists.  Myself and so many Thrivers, who were burning in hell in the horrific traumatisation of losing everything we had worked years of our life for, and then suffered the added injury of being unable to rebuild because of our health, experienced incredible and miraculous healing and reinstating of wellness when we released our trauma and came to peace with ‘what is’ on these topics.

I wrote this testimony from our beautiful member of the NARP Community, Anki,in my book You Can Thrive After Narcissistic Abuse on page 202, “I am a totally different person. I was told at fifty years of age that I had chronic, untreatable diseases, leaving me with no ability to function and work, yet after only three months of going through NARP, I am now working and exercising again. After losing everything to a narcissist, I had no idea how I was going to provide accommodation for myself and my son. Now I have my own place near my work, in nature with forests and a lake near my door! The shift in my son’s as well as my other children’s health has been nothing short of miraculous as well.”

Okay, I hope that this has inspired you, even in the face of the most horrible pain and circumstances that there is hope.

In fact, I want to hold your hand and take you through an actual shift that releases trauma and grants you peace and a shift right now (or as soon as there is a time convenient for you).

Please join me in my free workshop and we will go through a Quanta Freedom Healing together which has allowed myself and so many others worldwide, establish peace, healing, and resurrection where nothing else has worked.

Click here to sign up for the next available workshop.

I so look forward to our conversation about this so important topic here …

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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39 Thoughts on Peace After Narcissistic Abuse Is Possible (Even If You Can’t Go No Contact)
  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    Rose
    January 20, 2019

    Forging my life forward has been a great challenge financially. That is where I loose my peace. BUT, my kids and I have a good relationship….but he is not in their lives. That is the silver lining, that I must remind myself. I am so weary trying to turn things around in the money area, and can be discouraging.I need to interrupt the belief that struggling to pay the rent, does not make me a loser.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 21, 2019

      Hi Rose,

      My heart goes out to you with this struggle, which so many after narcissistic abuse have endured.

      I have created quite a few resources on this topic, which I hope can help.

      If you google my name + financial you will see them.

      Sending love and healing.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
    Stephen
    January 20, 2019

    It is impossible for peace and a narcissist to coexist in the same home.

    I craved peace for many years and now I have it.

  • peginboynton@hotmail.com'
    Peggy Koska
    January 20, 2019

    Oh Melanie, this was such a great episode.
    They are all so great, but sometimes you get hit with one in particular that stands out.
    This one about finding peace has really struck me because I was terribley triggered just last night.
    Ugh! This is hell! But, I look forward to seeing you in my inbox to bring clarity to such a devastating situation.
    I am so grateful to have found you, you have given me an enlightened way to look at, and heal from, something I had no idea was happening. Narcissistic Personality abuse has really been all I’ve ever known. You give me help when I feel helpless and hope to keep going with the QF, I’m doing the healing online, and I did your workshop. I have to say thank you for making them available! I do love how it changes the energy.
    Thank you for this post, I really, really liked it.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 21, 2019

      Hi Peggy,

      I’m so pleased Dear Lady that this episode deeply resonated with you.

      That’s wonderful that you feel re-devoted to the inner work with NARP. It is the cleanest most direct way I know to get to peace and our shift that changes everything.

      Many continued blessings and breakthroughs to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Obrien315@gmail.com'
    Catherine
    January 20, 2019

    In a strange way I feel that fellow who came up to you was so within, so withjout. He felt good about himself enough to approach you, say what he was feeling, accepted your rejection, and still able to say, “love you” after the encounter then went on his merry way. He even made you laugh.

    Perhaps he is a bit of a kook.

    If only I could attain such freedom of spirit without drink.

    Great time spent watching your videos as always, Mel. Thanks.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 21, 2019

      Hi Catherine,

      It was such a cute and sweet interaction … no matter how kooky!

      And I love how it feels for me to be in my power and heart centre totally safe and happy no matter what!

      Such an evolution are N abuse that I wish for all of us!

      Thank you for your beautiful insightful comment.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • msviking212@msn.com'
    Carol Rafferty
    January 20, 2019

    LUV U 2!! HEE!!!!HEE!!!!HEE!! LUV IT!! How I’m finding peace is I’m practicing mindfulness & I highly recommend it!! Also, if you feel angry, there is a trick to handle that too. Rip up paper to tiny bits & eventually, you will feel the anger leave. Our eldest daughter has been talking to my psycho, once a week, on Sat. He had told her, “I don’t think mommy loves me anymore!!” I know, he was manipulating her, to get to me. After she told me that, a few days later, it was throwing me for a loop. I started writing him, but only one or two pages, when I grew very tired & felt rather ill. I put the pen down & realize that I couldn’t stomach him face to face. I have a question though, I’m in love with a false memory. What I thought he was. I know that memory isn’t true, but I can’t completely shake it! Our daughter tried to talk me into taking him back & my answer was a strong no. I’m at just about 10 months since I have gone no contact & I haven’t even tried to break it. I’m rather religious, but I push my views on religion on no one, but lead by example. I could never trust him again & I would rather be a lone than live like this again!!!

    • Lynnmadders2@gmail.com'
      Lynn Madders
      January 20, 2019

      I suffered this abuse for 25 years, and am now in the depth of a vile divorce from my narc husband. I too have now gone over 11 months no contact, other than when I had to see him for a court date in October 2018, but totally ignored him treating him as if he were not even there. I too have a deep faith with Jesus, and am grateful to have been set free. My husband totally discarded me in the cruelest way, having set up his new supply years before the final discard. God does not want us with narcissists. They are demonic and are incapable of change and the only way in which they can is by accepting Jesus as their saviour and turning away from their sin. There were times in my marriage when I actually felt like I was looking at the devil himself! I totally understand your “loop” and feeling drawn back into this person, but that is years of manipulation and brainwashing. We will get to the land of milk and honey, as God promises that He has a good plan for our lives, and truly these individuals are not what God has in mind for us, not part of our plan, and we have to let go and forgive them. I too always look forward to listening to Melanie’s inspirational, encouraging discussions around this demonic individual and know that she is right when she reinforces the matter that we have to keep going, keep thriving, as there is nothing else to do. Thank you Melanie. Please do not let him back in your life, as the result will only be more hurt, pain and destruction. Remember, the devil wants to steal, kill and destroy, and we as children of God are his targets, the narcissist is the puppet of the devil. Leave well alone and move on to a better life. Be patient and let God heal the scars these evil individuals create emotionally, mentally and in my case too, physically. God Bless you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 21, 2019

      Hi Carol,

      Glad you also found that to be laugh worthy!

      Carol re that false memory, this is where deep emotional programming can form bonds with people that our logic can find very difficult to override.

      I have found personally, and with so many others, that it usually takes meeting and working on that vulnerable place within to let go of that ‘tie’

      That is specifically the work that Quanta Freedom Healing helps us do, which I take you through in my free workshop. http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • samantha.seager@outlook.com'
    sammmy
    January 21, 2019

    Hi Mel,

    Great video as always.. made me laugh. I relate to the guy because once when I was buying tickets for a theatre show, I was speaking with a woman ordering the tickets and at the end of the conversation, when I was saying goodbye, I said, “love you” at the end. I was mortified! I think I must have thought I was signing off from speaking to my mum!!!!

    Talking of theatre shows, I am a thriver and an actress and have been working with NARP for over 2 years now and it has literally turned my life around. I gave up on my career for a while when I met the narcissist and it has taken me a fair while to rebuild myself and my career. I am delighted to share that I landed a dream role and started working again December 2018. I am about to go into a big West End musical in London playing the best role I have had of my career to date. This is all down to the work I have done on myself with NARP and I am entering my career again from a totally different space than I was in before. I feel confident, present, unafraid, no need to prove myself as I now know my worth stronger than ever…and I would really like to invite you along to watch when you are over in London doing your Valentines Day talk, which I sadly can’t attend because I will be on stage!!

    I am sure your schedule will be rammed but let me know if it is ok to invite you.

    You have been such an incredible inspiration to me in my life and I would love to do whatever I can to express my gratitude and for you to see one of your thrivers THRIVING!!!!

    Much love

    Sammy xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 21, 2019

      Hi Sammy,

      How cute!! Ha ha. I love your story … Maybe he thought I was his Mum … haha that makes me laugh even more …

      How beautiful Sammy that you have done the inner work with NARP and come so far! Congratulations on your breakthrough success Sammy. This is so special. Huge kudos to you.

      Awwww Sammy! Gosh I’d love to. My schedule is crazy but I’d be honoured. I’ll contact you to find out the dates and see what I can do.

      Thank you for your beautiful offer!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • samantha.seager@outlook.com'
        sammy
        January 22, 2019

        Hi Mel,

        I am sure he didn’t think you were his Mum …;-)

        Please do email me.. it is possible you will be here on the 19th February which will be a very big night for London theatre and if so, I will try to get you along for the Press night which will be a big deal. The show is called Only Fools and Horses.. here is a link to the website for the show.

        Be so good to have you along for that! If not, another night will be just as good but that night will be special.

        With love

        Sammy xx

  • Irene.zalewski@icloud.com'
    Irene
    January 21, 2019

    Dear Melanie

    I am so grateful for your inspiration and clarity. What a gem “ peace comes before results”. It is so true and you seem to have a way of putting these experiences of the effects of narcissistic abuse into context with your healing programme of NARP.
    Thank you for this video today. My name means peace and through moduling I am having the courage to give myself the space and time to create some peace for myself after a lifetime of anything but peace.

    Thank you so much.
    Love Reena xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 21, 2019

      Hi Reena,

      Dear Lady, thank you for your post and your continued inspiration.

      It is such a joy to be connected to you in our incredible community.

      May deep abiding peace be more and more your reality. And it will.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • teriashmeria@gmail.com'
    Violet Spectre
    January 21, 2019

    Mel,
    I agree with the above comment. What else could you say to a Goddess? Love You!xoxoxo

  • teriashmeria@gmail.com'
    Violet Spectre
    January 21, 2019

    Mel,
    I agree with Catherine. What else could you say to a Goddess? Love You!xoxoxo

    • warrenbrubacher@email.com'
      Ocean Breeze
      January 23, 2019

      Mel,
      You are a special goddess given to us from the universe to share the gift of finding a new life.
      Quantum healing is so powerful and miraculous, it truly works.
      Thank you for an amazing message on how to function with dignity even in the presence of narcissistic abuse
      Always

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        January 23, 2019

        Hi Ocean Breeze,

        Thank you for your beautiful words and I am so thrilled you are breaking through, to your True Self, the way you are with NARP.

        Love and blessings to you.

        Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • brewer.asha67@gmail.com'
    Asha
    January 21, 2019

    This video is so on point Mel! Something I discovered years ago was that when I tried to loose weight from the energy of “I hate my body” those thoughts got me completely different results than the attitude of “I love this body and all the things it can do.” That was so powerful that I haven’t been sick in 20 years. What we believe deeply really does create our experience. Soon as I stopped beating myself up for having been in a relationship with a narc the healing started and the NARP modules showed up. Literally your videos just showed up in my recommended watch list on YouTube. Loving acceptance is the most powerful energy I’ve ever experienced.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 21, 2019

      Hi Asha,

      You model beautifully what evolved acceptance and peace is.

      Thank you for another powerful and thoughtful post to all of us.

      Much love to you sweetheart.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • jr.educa.jr@gmail.com'
    JR
    January 22, 2019

    Dear Mel, this Christmas I experienced the peace you are talking about. I can not tell you what a realief that was. I am in the middle of a huge parental alienation case being a target parent. Even though for us, target parents, the Christmas period is the most devastating period of the year, I stood calm and happy. Why? Because in my heart I knew that my children love me, I was grateful that I have them, I was grateful for the life experince that I am a mum…and I was gratefu for the most important thing in my life – and that is – that I see now my parental alienation sitation as a gift to me. Why? Because it gave back me to myself. Narcissistic abuse was a wake up call for me to realise what I want and what I do not want from my life. And it tought me something else. The unconditional love for myself and my children. Just because my children exist it is enought for me. And because I exist the way I am, it is enought for me. I do not need to justify myself.
    Thank your for the peace and clarity your NARP gave me. And with shifting more and more within me it will give that to my children too. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 23, 2019

      Hi JR,

      I am so thrilled for you that you have shifted to peace regarding your children. That would have to be, I believe, the most inspirational shifts of all – because what could be harder than achieving that?

      It’s wonderful you are free and emotionally ‘in love’. The grandest most divine miracles happen from that place.

      Thank you for being you Dear Lady and helping to inspire so many others.

      Sending you and your children so much love.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • anna_elina@luukku.com'
    A.
    January 23, 2019

    Hi Melanie!
    Please help, acute crisis 🙁 I was with the n on and off about 4 years, it took me about 2-3 years to recover. Last year I started to “thrive”, feel like me again, I started to live and feel alive again, my old friends and old work returned back to me. I even dared to have a date with a new man. It was nice, safe experience. But he feels more like a friend, not romantic/relationship potential. But I made progress. I had the courage to live again!
    I never lived together with the n, we do not have children together. This was the “love of my life”, felt like soulmate. Re. your last weeks post, the n was an excellent lover. He made me feel good during and after that. In fact, he was much better than many of the “normal” men. This is one of the aspects I miss about him, makes me feel like a great loss 🙁 Not that I would have had that many lovers anyway. That made the n even more special, I hardly ever have boyfriends, dates, sex…

    This week started some “innocent” text messaging with the n. I thought I can handle it. Nope. Now I miss him, “the good old times”, sex with him, just being with him very much 🙁 He said he has a new girlfriend. It hurts also very much. It’s so crazy, because intellectually I know/understand many things, but then emotions are a different thing…I have read your blog post “does the n treat the new supply better”, and of course a n will be a n always…but then I have this nagging feeling that they are having a good and drama-free relationship and it hurts. I feel this woman has replaced me in his heart. Whether the n even feels anything with the heart…? :/

    He wrote to me, “you are so sexy, beautiful, very attractive, you know that I like you very much…” If I’m so attractive (well I don’t think so), then why we are not (still) a couple? I intellectually know the answer: because he is a n!! But sometimes my mind/heart forgets that fact…All the horrors I have read about n’s, sometimes I think “my n is different, maybe he’s not THAT bad”. I know it naive/false thinking…but sometimes to have clear mind is very difficult, because once upon a time I was deeply in love with this person, had sex, all that stuff. I wonder is ex-lovers, n or not, will ever become completely “neutral”…I don’t think so.

    Now I feel restless, heart-broken, in nostalgia, lost in some fantasy land. I’d like to talk/hug/see him/have sex with him, “the one last time”…But I already know, if that’s what I need to feel clousure/peace of mind etc., he will NOT do any of those things. I’m disappointed with myself, how I could let him, or let me, to get involved with this mess again 🙁 I have done huge amount of energetic healing, narp, eft and what not… I had lived so many wonderful, peaceful, drama-free, man-free-, n-free months already. I cannot find myself in this emotional state again, I have already dealt with this pain like trillion times, I’m done! 🙁
    It continues to amaze me, the ability the n has to inflict pain…as I have already done so much healing, I thought I have become immune to that crap, because I’m more solid and grounded these days. It’s amazing how even through some seemingly innocent messaging he can manipulate and cause pain.
    I miss my “boyfriend”, the times, and I realise this dream man probably never existed. I have already healed and dealed with all my traumas, child hood stuff, I don’t know what on earth I can do anymore. I cannot “heal” my humaness, I mean, I miss connection, hugs, to talk, have lunch, all that lovely normal stuff everybody wants. It just hurts it cannot be with HIM 🙁 What should I do now? I feel sincerely some moments of our relationship were genuine, really beautiful, and that is what I miss very badly.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 23, 2019

      Hi A,

      My heart goes out to you. What you are going through is very painful, and please know there is a solution to this.

      There are two types of recovery – one where we just ‘get on with it’ meaning we haven’t healed what we need to yet and are susceptible to relapses and staying stuck, and the other is a Thriver Recovery, where we dedicate to the deep inner work, to find and heal our original traumas from childhood and beyond that keep us hooked into people, rather than being able to be a solid source to ourselves, able to take care of ourselves and generate new and healthy relationships.

      We all have had relationship trauma inner codes, A, where we handed power and pain to people who are unavailable, abusive or just incapable of real healthy love. The inner reasons we are doing that is the unfinished emotional business within us that we can find and heal.

      Then the pain stops and we enter relationship trajectories that are healthy – ones we didn’t have access to before doing this inner work.

      My NARP program is this relief, clarity and healing that myself and so many others in this community used to heal from the devestation of narcissists and love addiction – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • roma4amor@gmail.com'
    Deanna
    January 23, 2019

    Hi Mel!
    Wonderful…wonderful…wonderful….
    I LOVE the whole concept of taking our power back and not giving it away to other people. “Not throwing our pearls before swine.”
    Though I have done years of work on myself, I kept missing a vital piece of the recovery puzzle: OWNING our power. ie. EMPOWERMENT
    You made another video previously which I didn’t get to in time to comment on about how we need to stop looking to other people for validation. I LOVED that one too.
    IMHO, these two videos and their main concepts are the foundation of recovery once we have done the inner work and the QFH modules about the trauma.
    I have stopped asking other people’s permission to live my life. I’ve also stopped apologizing for living my life MY way.
    I remember another video where you spoke about a friend of yours who was always late, etc. etc. and how not just in that situation but in many/all others, you became willing to lose it all to get it all. You spoke up about how YOU wanted to be treated. I am just learning about this for myself. I hadn’t realized that I was still letting others treat me in ways that were unacceptable to me. The erroneous underlying irrational belief was that I should not offend the person that is totally steamrolling me. I am finally learning that it is OKAY to tell people how I want to be treated and what is and isn’t okay if they want to be in a friendship/relationship with me. These situations were not of the full blown narcissistic variety so they’d “slipped through the cracks” so to speak. Yet, these “little” episodes/things can be just as toxic as the larger things.
    I also love how you point out about NOT giving ANY energy to the narcissist. I have heard you say this before in other videos but this time it was clearer to me perhaps because you explained how if they don’t get their supply from me, they will actually capitulate and find someone else to get it from.
    It made me think of the scene in the Wizard of Oz where the all power and mightly wizard was huffing and puffing and intimidating everyone. Then it took tiny little Tot the dog to pull back the curtain and expose him as the impostor that he really was. If I can remember to not take the narcissist so seriously, then the curtain is pulled back and he/she is actually not all that powerful. It’s been ME who has bought into the bullcrap all along. When I stop believing the lies, the lies lose their power.

    I’ve been following you for a couple of years now and I have to say that I LOVE how your journey of helping us recover from narcissistic abuse has evolved and progressed. You are making things clearer and clearer. In particular I LOVE how you have sequed into really focusing on EMPOWERMENT and SELF-DIRECTION/autonomy.

    Thanks for all you do!
    Much love,
    Deanna

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 24, 2019

      Hi Deanna,

      Thank you so much for your insightful and thoughtful post.

      As you know I agree 100 percent with everything you say in it!

      It is such a joy to be on this Thriver Path with you dear Soul Sister.

      So much love to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • jr.educa.jr@gmail.com'
      JR
      January 27, 2019

      Dear Deanna,
      I have just read your comment and I cannot tell you how EMPOWERING your comment is. You are one of us, a thriver and seeing how clearly you lead your life now after all the horrors it is inspiring for me to do the same. Your explanation of the Toto story and The Wizard of Oz is something I will have as a solution’s visualisation for my narcissistic story for the rest of my life. Brilliant idea.
      Thank you for that. Mel helped me to regain my life. Your words are inspiration to move forward.
      Best regards, JR

  • roma4amor@gmail.com'
    Deanna
    January 23, 2019

    P.S.
    Which QFH module do you use during those times you mention in the video where you are upset, confused, etc. etc.?
    Which QFH module do you use when you feel like you’ve been blindsided by someone else’s C.R.A.P.?

    Thanks!
    Deanna

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 24, 2019

      Deanna,

      I suggest either Module 1 to target the trauma and release it, or the Goal Setting Module and setting the goal ‘The Source Healing and Resolution of this’

      Are you in the NARP Forum?

      So much incredible support and guidance is available there.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • nidaa.waqar@gmail.com'
    Nida
    January 24, 2019

    I have been in a relationship with a narcissist for 4 years got married to him 2 years ago. We now have a beautiful daughter 15 months old. After being totally exhausted of my husband not making any effort towards me since the day one untill ofcourse he trapped me as his prey. My mother suggested marriage counselling when the counsellor identified him for me and told me just a week ago that he is a narcissist.

    Im still absorbing the shock and how he has been controlling my mind, caught him cheating 3 months into our marriage and then 1 year later again borderline cheating. Im in a fix and dont know what to do. Im not speaking to him currenntly and casually came to stay at my mothers.

    I dont know if i will ever find peace, if i choose to walk away would that mean giving up on my childs custody?
    need help

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 25, 2019

      Hi Nida,

      Please know I have created resources regarding divorce, custody and breaking up with narcissists, as well as ‘our children’.

      They contain information (if you google those topics and my name) that can give you lots of information.

      I hope this can help.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • johnleroy2928@gmail.com'
    DMJ
    January 26, 2019

    Re: your beach guy….
    I think he was hitting on you. Some men will say “anything” without shame to get you. I would love to believe he was just some loving, free spirit, but, more likely… he was hitting on you. LOL. Funny how the love bombers have less power when they are NOT good looking. We should all keep that in mind the next time some great looking guy says something ridiculous to us.

    Years ago when I was a teenager, my sister and I were at the beach in the summer and two middle-aged men came up, cocktails in hand, and started flirting with us. We looked older than our ages, but when we told them we were in high school it was like a cartoon cloud of sand that went up as they took off…. pooof…. they were gone. 😉

  • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
    Valerie Wedel
    January 29, 2019

    Hi Mel,

    re: “luv u,” Have experienced American guys doing this over the years, especially when I was younger. I say it belongs under the love bombing category for the insincere ones, but some of the surfer dudes used to just talk that way, without meaning any harm. They were in love with life, and beach babes, and the ocean, and they basically loved everything. No harm, no foul 🙂 Dare I say, just enjoy it without drinking the coolaid 😀

    Peace and love –
    Val

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 29, 2019

      Hi Val,

      I thought it was amusing and cute!

      For sure it could have been a hip kinda surfy thing!

      Hugs and love to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • kdenton1967@gmail.com'
    Kathy
    February 5, 2019

    Hi Melanie,

    Today I woke up in with a blisssful quietness in my soul for the first time in 36 years…just 8 days after tapping into your healing programs and going no contact. No ruminating. No voices. No loneliness, no fear.

    So this is what peace feels like. Wow.

    8 days ago I was back in rabid dog mode, frothing at the mouth, and lashing out in sheer pain. I found you, ordered your NARP, hung onto to my laptop and screamed that I wanted out of this pain.

    Honey, I am so humbled, grateful and amazed with your devotion to our souls. I can never repay you for what you are doing and how it saved me, but I will pay it forward every day of my life.

    Was married for 30 years to a covert narcissist with alcoholic, abusive inlaws, divorced, lost everything, started over. Then, like you, was drawn in by a sweet, altruistic narcissist with severe controlling OCPD for nearly 5 years.

    The first key lesson for me was that I no longer had to research what he was doing to me in order to defend myself. Knowing what was wrong did open my eyes, but I kept going back in the ring to defend myself. You showed me it was the wrong approach.

    Because of you I can finally see the inner truth: We simply have to step out of that arena to stop being abused.

    Simple does not mean easy, and your healing, nourishing emails and NARP is my lifeline back to loving myself and never fearing being lured in by another N.

    I no longer fear being on my own.

    Now that I know what my spirit was trying to tell me, I get it. Oh man, I GET IT! Looking forward to more healing as I inhale your teachings and love for all of us.

    Thank you forever.

    Kathy

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 5, 2019

      Hi Kathy,

      I am so happy for you that NARP has helped you shift so quickly!

      Awww Kathy you SO get it!

      It is a joy to be waking this path with you sweet soul sister. I’m so happy that you found my work and the Thriver Way to heal.

      Keep shining Dear Lady, it’s your time!

      Mel 🙏💕💋

  • mazlinda.abuhasssn@icloud.com'
    Lynda
    February 5, 2019

    I’m so greatful that I found you melanie.

    Dispite of all ur teaching i still can free myself from my narcissists husband. Married for almost 23 years, hv 7 children, he suck me dry. In and out. Can’t find my innerpeace. Can’t do anything. He always there devalueing Confusing brain wahing swearing. Pls help. My spirit has gone my money run dry me my self feeling numb in every aspect. I dont want to spend the rest of my life with thid narcissts. I just want to make good memories with my children then die peacefully. Help mr . Free me from this torturing narcissist

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