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I get numerous emails every week asking this exact question.

So many people ask – How can I be sure?

I want you to be very clear on what I am about to state. It’s actually not important whether someone has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or whether they don’t, or are displaying enough narcissistic traits to make your life painful or unbearable. What is important is that you are aligned with and living the life that you wish to live, and creating that truth by holding powerfully to that truth – no matter how hard that may be to do ….

Most people have some narcissistic traits and it is normal to have exhibited narcissistic behaviour at some point in their life. However, there is a big difference between normal people who are capable of taking responsibility and being accountable for their behaviour and those with NPD who are incapable of this.

I am aware that this person at some point seemed like the love of your life and the temptation is to try and help this person change their narcissistic behaviour and recover. The problem is that some people take the N’s word immediately only to be set up for another soul destroying experience.

In this article I am going to show you how you can use the most powerful tool in your arsenal – boundaries – to find out if this person is capable of taking responsibility and being accountable for their actions without risking another experience that could cost you your soul, mental well-being and even life.

There is nothing worse than being set upon maliciously by someone you believed you could trust, someone you love, and someone you thought loved you and had your best interests at heart.

It is a highly traumatic experience ….

Do you want to have that happen to you again at the hands of this person?

Clearly – NO!

I promise you, it is true that individuals who have displayed narcissistic behaviour, have had their near death experience (wake up call), sought out consistent and powerful therapy and addressed their inner toxic issues causing their narcissistic behaviour, and changed their life enough to become healthy, supportive and loving partners – and even spectacular ones.

It’s not the norm, but it can happen – if this person has the resources and does not have NPD.

There is a huge difference between a person who has acted badly, takes full responsibility, and does everything in their power to heal, and another who stays stuck in non-accountability, projection and poor behaviour.

The truth of the matter is, if this person does have the resources to heal and re-create themselves as a stable partner with integrity for you – a lot of this shift has to be created by you.

But it won’t be as a result of you “fixing” this person.

It will actually be as a result of you “fixing yourself”….

Therefore, don’t wait around, research articles and obsess about whether or not your narcissistic partner is or isn’t capable of healing and amending their ways.

Instead live your truth powerfully.

THEN you will find out ….

A little further in this article I’m going to explain how you can do that ….

Before I do that, I would like to share my opinion regarding the people who truly I feel there is little or no hope for ….

 

Which Narcissistic People Are Extremely Unlikely To Heal

  • Pathological liars
  • Serial sex addicts
  • Those resistant to having any therapy, or who denounce therapy after one or only a few visits, or who use therapy as a “trick” to make you assume they are changing, or use joint therapy experiences without accountability to devalue you as the partner (you’re the defective crazy person)
  • Physical abusers
  • Those who display a distinct lack of empathy
  • Individuals who display regular criminal, sociopathic or psychopathic behaviour

If your narcissistic partner or ex-partner fits into any of these categories, I believe the chances are incredibly slim of reform, and I would suggest moving on and keep moving on. This is just my opinion based on what I have observed over the years. If you believe otherwise that is fine.

 

What Traits Will a Genuine Person Display When Healing Their Narcissistic Behaviour?

  • Hitting rock bottom as a result of “loss” – generally this loss will be you
  • Full and ongoing ownership and accountability of what they have done, the issues they have, the damage created and total remorse for their narcissistic actions
  • Ongoing and committed therapy that he or she is doing as an integral part of their personal journey, as a “have to” and a “want to” do
  • Repairing any damage they have inflicted to the best of their ability – including financial damage
  • Full focus on caring about you and wanting to support you and help you feel safe in the relationship rebuild
  • Granting consistency and full disclosure of their life, and the actions match the words
  • Ability to grant you the time and space to heal and connect at your pace
  • Not displaying entitlements, jealousy or revenge concerning any relationship opportunities you may have pursued in your time apart – instead, accepting thatit’s because of their behaviour that you were in that position
  • Willing to talk to anyone else in your life that doubts them, has been damaged, or has fear for your well-being, whilst conducting themselves in full humility and accountability in order to help support you
  • Loving you enough to want you to be happy with or without them in your life (not making it about them)
  • Asking you to lay boundaries such as financial or relationship contracts to prove commitment and to help you feel safe (if applicable)

What you are reading above may be outlandish or even seem incredible to you. I promise you there are individuals who have treated their partners abusively who have risen from their narcissistic actions to become the men and women I am describing above.

And quite frankly their partners after losing trust and having their hearts smashed should know that it is only with these types of actions that you can be safe to trust this person again. Also nothing less than full accountability, real boundaries and compliance with these boundaries is going to ensure the narcissistic behaviour does not happen again.

And you should never engage again unless you do receive this level of authentic sincerity.

These traits (all of them are necessary), are the only way you will know that your partner in fact does not have NPD.

 

Narcissistic Supply or Genuine Remorse and Rebuild?

We all know narcissists often don’t like letting go. We all know they can say exactly what we want to hear, cry, plead and promise the world.

Narcissists love “hoovering” (sucking you back in to the relationship in order to get narcissistic supply); in fact, it is one of their most practiced and perfected games. The intent behind the “I love you, I can’t live without you” is not the accountability to transform into a loving, safe, healthy partner – the intent is to get you back into the narcissistic malicious web. In such cases it is nothing to do with “love;” it is all about feeding the narcissist’s insatiable ego.

You see it is an enormous insult to a narcissist for a previous partner to move on and create a life without them ….

 

Six Steps to Finding Out If This Person is Capable of Accountability and Remorse

 1. DON’T take this person on their word immediately

Tell him or her “I still love you” (if that’s how you feel), but state firmly “I can’t trust you, and I would never consider this relationship again unless I could.”

Now you have thrown down the challenge. If this person genuinely loves you and wants to make amends, they have to prove they can be trusted.

2. DON’T grant this person a chance until they “crack” and hit “rock bottom”

Anyone who is acting narcissistically is playing out lack of accountability and is projecting their stuff on to you. Narcissistic behaviours are created from fear and ego, and egos are powerful. They need to crack open with pain in order to be addressed and healed, otherwise the show of “love” and “remorse” will only be a band-aid that will not hold.

3. DON’T accept any suspected narcissist who is not committed to ongoing therapy and personal development

Decent people (who can include people with unhealed parts who have acted badly), who accept that their behaviour is defective, and that their life is not working for themself and others, want to fix their issues. Without being held accountable by therapists and working diligently on their unhealed parts with full disclosure to you regarding their therapy and prognosis, this person is not serious about healing and not committed to granting you safety and trust.

4. TEST the accountability and remorse

People who have hurt you are never safe unless they can provide genuine accountability and remorse. Those who can’t are absolute repeat offenders waiting to happen – guaranteed. If you can’t express your hurt and pain of what happened to you to this person without them staying in full support and empathy – you are not experiencing the real deal.

Projections, blame throwing and excuses are not acceptable – even if spasmodic. They either accept what they did was wrong and hurtful, or they don’t! There is no middle ground on this one.

5. KNOW the difference between it being “about you” or being “about them”

If you have been abused it is time to be “entitled.” You are learning that, in order to create your reality of deserving truth, integrity, love and support, you have to be it and live it. Watch the suspected narcissist at his or her version of rebuild. Believe me it’s crucial to observe this very closely after being abused if considering taking this person back.

Is this person consistently caring about you? Do they state things like “I know I may have lost you through my actions, and I have to accept that” and “If you feel that you will be happier moving on rather than trying with us again – I promise I want more than anything for you to be happy, as much as it hurts” and “I don’t blame you for dating that guy, I know it was because of my actions that you did that” and “If you have any unresolved pain or problems please talk to me. I want you to talk it out and feel safe?”

Or, do you very soon notice that as soon as you don’t comply and give the narcissist what he or she wants, that the demands, aggression, projections, blame throwing “poor me” and guilt trips start again.

6. TRUST how it feels

As soon as you notice the narcissistic traits again, pull away, go back to no contact and hold your powerful personal boundaries.

Remember – Narcissistic abuse is not your reality ….

 

The Million Dollar Question

Now I hope you realise the question really isn’t “Does he or she really have NPD?” The questions really is: “Is this person going to really step up and become a healthy, safe partner?”

The truth is you will never know the answer to that question until it does or doesn’t happen. If you don’t see this happening – your answer is “No.” If it hasn’t and isn’t happening right here / right now – then the answer is “No” unless it ever does happen, and then the answer may change.

In the meantime you are living your life in truth and alignment …. Seek out people and a life that is in alignment to truth, integrity, love and support, and accept NO LESS.

We can’t create that reality any other way.

Certainly you never will create a healthy, safe love reality by accepting someone in your life who is abusing you without them performing the above necessary criteria.

Ifyour situation is not about the possibility of getting back together with a narcissist, but more about presently being with a narcissist who you wish could change – leave him or her, set the parameters and find out of this person is real, if the love is real, or whether it was a NPD relationship.

Be very, very clear that you deserve nothing less than real love and truth and hence why the boundaries I have described are crucial, absolute and completely necessary.

People who reunite with narcissists without establishing and sticking to boundaries, always run a large risk of stepping back into even worse abuse than they originally walked away from ….

This is another one of those life and death – make or break deals … totally.

Know that if you do accept abusers in your life without them proving their integrity and safety you are abusing yourself.

 

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139 thoughts on “Is He or She Really A Narcissist? Laying Boundaries and Accountability

  1. Hi Melanie,

    I just want to absolutely affirm the truth of your words regarding testing the honesty and integrity of a genuine NPD person.I didn’t realise it at the time but I allowed my ex N back into the home without his admitting any real wrongdoing (he was involved with another woman)and wrongly assumed that he was recommitting to our relationship. He used our children as pawns by talking about returning for weeks before he did. The first night he was back when the subject of the other woman came up he said “you can’t tell me what to do”. I knew then I had made a huge mistake and it took another year to make him leave through the courts and in the meantime the abuse became horrific–much worse that previously.
    We all paid a big cost and the fallout continues with my adult children.(Particularly for one of them).
    I can’t believe that I actually allowed it; the whole concept is totally foreign to me now, I’m happy to say.
    Yes, I agree, no woman should settle for anything less than what you have mentioned.
    A true N will do whatever it takes to get what they want and they do leave an absolute trail of devastation,

    Keep up your efforts to inform and heal.

    Love Kate x

    P.S. Good move getting out of Melbourne! I live near Ballarat & can’t go back to the city. And congrats on finding a man you obviously deserve!

    1. I am swollen with grief pain and sadness and do not know if i will ever heal but am hopeful. He got his PhD as i worked, drained me financiall told friend i was a whore when he graduated, left me for the dead. it was the horrible thing i never expected in this life. am wounded.

      1. Rachel, after reading your post, I feel tears welling up in my eyes because I know how you feel. I’ve lain in bed sometimes a week at a time while just getting up for a little food and to go to the bathroom after my many breakups. The pain is immense…but it will pass. I am feeling it passing after this dark period of time.

      2. Very similar to me. My wife got her PHD and started a large business and then told me that I was beneath her and all her aspirations. It hurts like hell. I was considered trash. She left me and will soon be getting a lawsuit special delivery to her place of work. It’s sad and the entire family is suffering with all kinds of emotions and guilts. My step daughter is a very nice, mature woman with clear boundaries. She told me that she saw it coming and supports me. I’m blown away by the support from the step children that are now adults, which I helped raise. This has made me closer to my kids, God, and recovery. I did everything for this wife of mine to get her to where she is today. I’m going to do my best to make sure she pays when she meets that sugar daddy and uses all his energy to become even bigger and making more money.

    2. Kate! I know this is an old comment. But I just read it and have to say… This just happened to me almost the exact same!. My N (together 21 yrs) left our family for his Affair Partner in a humiliating and horrible way, abandoning us financially and physically about 6 months ago. He asked to come back home and of course I allowed it, thinking he had seen the error of his ways, he would now make amends for what he has done, and we could be a family again. Wrong.

      He would not talk to me about her or what happened and would tell me to STFU if I brought it up. He was still speaking to her (she thought they were together), He was on 2 dating apps sexting as well. The abuse escalated, he was yelling swearing, not contributing financially or otherwise, he stole money from our children, he pushed me, ect. Finally it came to a head – He told me he was working all weekend and I found out he was having an affair weekend with his AP in a hotel. This was 1.5 months into our reconciliation.

      Enough was enough. I gathered my courage. How long could I go on like this and how much worse could it become? I kicked him out of my home. My children and I will not be exposed to this devastation another day.

      1. I applaud you! I would hug you if I could.I was discarded by a Narcissist 7 years ago and got into a relationship with another 2 years ago. Talk about HELL. But, I am stronger this time around and done as of 3 weeks ago. I will not change my mind. My biggest hardship is doing self work as to why I continue to find these partners. So I look forward to single self discovery and healing. Prayers to and for you sister. You will rise above this.

        Blessings!

        1. I knew my covert narcissist for 40 years and was married for 38 of them (2 years dating) to the same lady. She was my first girlfriend and the only girl I knew sexually after our marriage. We were regular church attenders as I made sure that we attended. If it were up to her I don’t supposed we would have gone.
          It was HELL going through the divorce, as she wanted to literally destroy me, but thank GOD I survived and am now coming out the other side after 1 yr & 3 months. I was a codependent and loved giving as I was trying to live the “golden rule”. Unfortunately I was giving to find self worth and not out of a healthy place. I didn’t realise that I tied my self worth to giving to feel accepted and loved. I’m learning now to love myself and to give out of a healthy mindset and set boundaries for myself. You have to do this before another relationship!!!
          The interesting thing is an older lady that was a narc in my church picked up on my loneliness and love bombed me. I hadn’t felt emotions like that for 40 years and she reeled me in. As I was learning to set boundaries (defenses) I would question her (narcissistic injury) . She became defensive as her mask was falling and she was going to have me “burned at the stake” for being the evil one. Eventually I left the church which was hurtful as I had all my connections there with the people. I know I can never go back and have to start over fresh, but live and learn from your mistakes!!! I had to go “no contact”.
          There is a spiritual component called the Jezebel Spirit as she worshipped a sensual evil god (Baal). There is no love with this spirit, only selfishness, greed, hate, envy, spite, malicious gossip, lying, cheating, immorality and any other aspect that you want to associate with the Devil (but this spirit is thinly disguised as an angel of light and hides in plain sight very well).
          The lady I dated from the church was a divorcee for 18 years and is the treasurer (maybe a Judas type??) so she is important to the working of the church and close to the authority. I thought she was beautiful and found out that she had plastic surgery some years ago and was very slender (vanity). I just had to have my eyes opened to THE BEAST…… just….. one…… more……. time……
          Just as Satan told Jesus, “bow down and worship me, and I’ll give you everything you desire”. I fell for this and put her on a pedestal which I had to repent to God for.
          These people (narcs) give themselves over to Satan and make no mistake about it, if they can destroy you mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually they will, BUT ONLY IF YOU LET THEM. It’s up to us to set the boundaries, care for ourselves with love and quite being sucked in. If you don’t study this behavior and correct what you’re doing with the narcissist, and learn to love yourself first, your bound to repeat history. It sounds counter intuitive, but it’s actually learning to love yourself from a healthy place so you can love out of a correct mindset.
          I made a spiritual connection to this lady, but never had physical sex with her as I reserve that for marriage, but Jesus informed us that to look on a woman with lust in your heart is the same as committing the act, and you cannot get out of it unless you decide to move on and grow and repent as it’s spiritual bondage. I could say a lot more, but I think you get the idea. If you decide to date, work on yourself first or you’ll continue to make mistakes as we seem to be attracted to these types due to how we were raised and our conditioning. Don’t become a “happy meal” for a narc!
          Continue to work on yourself and put on the full armor of God.
          Happy Easter! He is risen!
          M

          1. I just want to thank you for this. God really used your experience to reach others. 🙏🏾 I hope & pray that you continue to tell your story, because this helped me today. I knew it was Jezebel but I didn’t realize the extent of it…because this woman birthed me. But oh my goodness, I am totally awake now. It hurts so so much but I would rather know the truth & heal from it than to be lost in oblivion. Thank you so much. God bless you.

      2. Oh my goodness!
        My husband had an affair with my best friend.
        Left me for her nd moved in with her.
        After 5 weeks he was back. I was happy to have him back.
        But he WILL NOT TALK about what happened. Has avoided counselling although agreeing up front.
        Found out in the last week he is still in close contact with the AP. Not sure whether it is physical.
        But he promised he would cut contact.
        I DON’T WANT TO BE DONE WITH HIM.
        But I have so many red flags.

        1. This sounds very worrying and you’ve only recently posted it here. This sounds like you need to remove yourself from the situation and remember to value your own self worth. No one should feel as if they are not allowed to work on emotional problems within a relationship. It sounds like you are being denied your own feelings. I would be very wary

  2. Just chiming in my support and agreement with Melanie, who seems to be always exactly on target. I’ve divorced my N; he’s now busy destroying some other woman’s family – complaining all the while to our daughter how the woman’s daughters are not giving him his due respect. Thankfully, my children, who went through a hell of a time reconciling all their feelings during the divorce about their father, me and each other, are back in an environment of mutual respect – we have weathered the storm. It can be done! A happy life and family (without the N) can be had!

  3. I have had no contact with my ex until recently when we crossed paths, I was happy to see her and felt an excitement/anxiety and prayed for guidance. I did make an amends for the anger I felt when she broke it off, trust me it was for me not her. In my thoughts I saw being friends, but quickly realized this was not possible. Then I read this post and knew that it was just the information I needed to never have contact again. Thank you soooo much!
    Bruce

  4. Shockingly, I have been married to a N for 32 years. We separated several times but for years I was totally dependent on him and he was getting all his cash flow from his parents and we had 4 small children. Anyway, I finally started breaking away 20 years ago- I went to college, got a degree and got a job, but since I had small children I chose to be a teacher and I never had enough money to divorce. We’ve been separated for 2 years now and I am much happier, but I have many more bills than he does and most of them are because of things he convinced me to do when we were together. He won’t agree to a divorce and every attorney I have talked to suggest I wait it out until he meets someone else and then he will want the divorce. They say he will be fairer to me because the divorce will be his idea and he will need to get out of the marriage fast to keep the relationship with the new woman. He’s beginning to threaten that now, but the whole time he says he wants to reconcile with me. It is still all about him after all these years. Hoping he will meet someone else soon and I can finally severe ties with him. This article is exactly what I needed today.

  5. I guess I’m a slow learner. Your blogs and radio shows have really helped me. I discovered about a year ago that I’m a co-dependent. I have been trying to work on this since. I give far to many chances to addicts and narcisissts (sometimes they are both in one). I am setting new boundaries. It is not all that comfortable, but the stress reduction thus far feels a whole lot better than being a ping pong ball being tossed in every which direction. They are masters of pulling a “flim-flam” and make you think it’s “Your Fault”, or playing games to make you feel that you are “Over Reacting”. If your gut feels that it’s wrong, than it is. Empty promises no longer need to apply to my life if I remove the source. I hate change, but I’m finding it’s far better than being someones puppet. What is sad is that my heart is so trusting, and I was raised to “say what you mean, mean what you say”; so when an addict/narcissist starts telling me what I want to hear, I believe them. I hate knowing that I cannot trust what someone says, as it goes against my DNA. So now, I plow through life with an untrusting eye. This will certainly work against me one day if I’m trying to attract truthfully good partners. I get mad sometimes they left me damaged, while they go off whistling dixie. These people are poisonous, and use us. I feel like a host to a vampire to inflate their ego. At one time, I would lovingly boost them up, and cheer with every success they had. It makes one feel used and like a fool once that wears off. I hope I can trust again.

    1. Lori, I felt a lot like you in that I felt I would have to surrender my nature forevermore to avoid being abused again. That thought kept me angry and was turning me antisocial and bitter. What I now realize is that feeling was a stage in ending my codependcy, not the final destination. I feel myself becoming so open and loving towards my fellow man while at the same time my radar for users and abusers has never been more finely attuned. Nor has my radar ever been so respected by me. The feeling that they have robbed you of your good parts will begin to fade the second you truly detach. And what grows back is so exciting and better than ever. Best of wishes to you on your journey.

      1. Suzanne thank you for your reply to Lori, my story is much the same as hers, and I truly don’t want to give up my innate tendency to see the good in all people and basic belief that I can trust that they are good. al anon and.codependency recovery are helping me with setting boundaries and this work.is.getting me back to truly loving and trusting myself. I can see now.where.I ignored red.flags. I look forward.to being able to just know now that my my radar is on point and that not everyone deserves my big heart.

    2. Your are so right they are they are pure poison and absolutely evil. I never believe that vampires really existed I always thought that they were a meth. I was going out with a narcissist female I found out that they really do exist Vampires. I only had eight months with her kept thinking something is very wrong with her but could never figure it out until I started researching relationships on the internet and happen to come across narcissism. My God I could not believe what I was reading word for word was writen about her. From that moment on I knew what I had to do. I walked away from the relationship did not have any contact with her for two weeks block her on Facebook and on my phone but she found a way to call me. She was very mad all she wanted to do was get the last word in tell me how immature of a person I am and told me to go to hell. It has been at least three weeks with no contact and I know she is not done with me yet. Unfortunately I have to see her at work I have been able to avoid her but I know I can’t do that forever. I am pretty sure she has a new supply so she is leaving me alone for now. I am feeling much better now that I am not with her. I have never been in a relationship and felt so bad. I always thought that a new relationship you should be on a cloud feeling good about the new person.

      1. Been there done that. My Narc is on every onkine dating site there is… Gut wrenching break up but dumping that pathilogical lying promiscuous woman was the high point in my quest to heal.

  6. This blogpost comes right in time; I rent a flat and feel bad about the owner, that lives upstairs and show what for me is experienced as negative treats, for example like critizising many of the previous people that rented the flat, showing distrust, being rude, ringing the dorbell when it suits him… and I did notice that feeling in the very beginning but anyway I signed that contract (!)… and have for moths tried to deny that ugly feeling I always have IN MY HOME; where I mostly isolate while working through the first reprogramming of my own patterns, and should feel comfotable and safe. Of course I attracted such a dismatch when I just had managed at leat physically world speaking breaking loose from my previous less positive relations to start focusing on myself and be free of that type behavior around me.
    Now I shall follow my emotion and common sense and find myself a nice and safe place to live! Because I deserve it. :o) Thank you for the support! I LOVE being when I allow myself DOING. 🙂

  7. I’m in a 3.5 year relationship with an N. he cheated (for a couple of years we were together and said he was just going through a bad time) and has apologized and “acted” better for the last year. But sometimes the mask falls and the old, manipulative, Non-empathic guy shows through. He acts like I should be grateful he’s treated me like he should for the past year and I should forget everything from before. He hates it when I show any attention to anyone else and devalues them. I also work with him so that is an extra challenge when I have to focus on someone at work and their issues. His actions are causing me to fall out of love with him. I’m still struggling to let to because I don’t want to hurt him and I know he will beg for us to get back together and that’s hard for me to resist. I am in a mess!

  8. Hi Melanie,

    It’s kind of creepy that you seem to have read all my emails, bugged my home and my phone and intercepted all my text messages 🙂 …however the commonality between what you write and my experience of the Narcissist suggests I’m on the right path now, and that the information you provide is spot-on. The first time I found your website I was gobsmacked, it was as if the sun had come out and the clouds of hurt, anger, bewilderment and self-doubt started to evaporate. I even reached the point of realising WHY I was still in this relationship before I got to the part where YOU say that we need to work out WHY in order to protect ourselves from repeating past mistakes, and to heal.

    Once again, your blog is very timely. In the section headed “What Traits Will a Genuine Person Display When Healing Their Narcissistic Behaviour?”, a couple of those points were definitely missing from my experience of that stage (just the last several months in real time), so once again you have cleared up some niggling doubts for me.

    The one I got was a pathological liar. I found that out one morning when I awoke thinking “this abuse has GOT to stop” and I committed the ‘unforgivable sin’ of phoning the ex-wife to ask her how she ever made it to the altar, let alone survived 10 years of marriage. I cannot explain how I felt absolutely compelled to make this call (and the sense of dread that went with it) even though I did not think it was a ‘nice’ thing to do. The lies that were subsequently revealed were beyond comprehension, the detail and depth and breadth of them, completely astounding. I was not just doing myself a favour, there was also the NOT-ex-wife being lied to and taken advantage of, financially and emotionally. And yet I was accused of being vindictive – logic saved me from guilt and from some degree of further manipulation – in my mind the other relationship was completely dead and buried so I couldn’t expect a punitive outcome from my action, as it was based on incorrect inforamtion.

    Anyhow, despite the begging, apolgising, grovelling and countless promises to make things right etc, that went on after the big reveal, I still felt something was not quite right. And I found out (surprise, surprise!) that the lies were ongoing.

    Anyhow I’m currently trying the ‘no contact’ and trying to just work through the feelings that arise when I get the cajoling, threatening, pleading, petulant, insulting, abusive, blah blah blah… attempts to re-initiate contact. It gets easier to deal with every day 🙂 All I have to do is remember that at no time was I ever dealing with a genuine person. He was fake all the way through to the core.

    Thank you for helping me to stop years of abuse.

  9. Wow. Your site is amazing. A real eye opener. Been with my N for 6 long painful years
    Have tried to get out but keeps pulling me back in
    Unfortunately tied by properties and if we weren’t I’m sure I’d have left by now
    God give me strength to keep going till I can leave

    1. Hi Linda – i was so sorry to read your short message but wanted to urge you to leave as soon as you can if not sooner. Im no expert apart from having spent the last 8 years with a Narc but I was very lucky to have ended up with a house and a car but he spent the last 6 months trying to persuade me to sell my car because ‘it used too much fuel’, ‘we could save money if we sold it and brought a smaller car/a van (for him), a quad bike (for him)’, ‘we could have a holiday and some money in the bank’ it went on and on. I stuck to my guns and said ‘No!’ and gave him my reason which was that its my safety net if he threatened to leave or left (which he had many times) i would have something i could sell to keep myself going. I have ME which id controlled for the 12 years before i met him to such an extent that no one would have known – i relapsed chronically 2 years ago due to stress caused by him and have been in recovery for the last year and since hes gone that has speeded up noticceably even in just 2 weeks. He owes me 23 thousand pounds which i am going to fight for but with very little chance of getting back. I fear that he married me to take the rest of my belongings – luckily i got out.

      What im trying to say is that if you stay you will probably end up with nothing anyway and leaving now while you still have some strength to fight him you will almost surely end up with a LOT more than you will if you stay for another couple of years – financially, emotionally and physically.

      Much love to you and i hope that things sort out in the best way possible for you. x

    2. Hi,
      how about 45 years?? 3 months ago my eyes were finally opened and I realized what has been happening for me and to me for the last 4 decades. I am still with him, but am on my way to be healed and be free of him…. soon

      1. I hope all is well for you now. I have been with mine for 42 years, realising major problems after 4 years but stayed for children’s sake. I have put all my earnings, plus inheritance into the finances and now am trapped in old age. I was stupid and fell under his dominance. I hope that you are not in the same situation.

  10. I have been ‘with’ my N for 4 years now and they have been the most painful of my life. That is something, considering my life has not been easy. When he met me, I believed I was the love of his life – he still writes that on my gift cards. It used to thrill me now just makes me sick. I don’t think he could actually say these words to my face! Anyhow, all I can add is that I am astounded by the depth of deceit. He cheated with several women, was physically and emotionally abusive, opportunistic, and just has no idea about genuine love, care and concern for people. He thinks everyone is stupid. He cannot be wrong. Nothing makes sense to me. The last straw was my 40th birthday. We had a joint party, but he would not show me who he had invited. He sent different invitations, depending on his relationship with his invitees. I have no idea what some of them received, but I am sure many thought it was just his birthday. He even got his son to write ‘happy 40th Dad,’ and put his photos up everywhere…he had some up of me and him when I left his home to get ready on the day. When I arrived back, these had been subtlely exchanged for photos of his woman ‘friend.” On my actual birthday, he had been with another woman that morning and took me out at my request with his son who he allows to disrespect me at every opportunity. And there was no present, yet he bought his ‘friends’ $100 gift vouchers when we went to their parties. I mean, this is just one thing…there are so many incidents I could report, but I would be here all 2012… so I won’t carry on. Nice to vent all the same. I will leave this and be better. But it will take a long time, I can assure you. I am receiving help with this. Best of luck and love to All who have gone through similar situations xo

  11. For 45 years I struggled in my marriage and was convinced I was the one who had the problem. I spent hours, months and years trying to accept who he was. Most of time trying to make my self rationalize his actions were from being an only child of a domineering step mother who never accepted me.

    When he left me I was crushed and was sure I could not survive. My daughter found me a therapist and the first session it was like someone had slapped me in the face and I was awake for the first time. I saw things I had never seen (well seen but never understood) and all of sudden saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I am still in therapy weekly and am growing stronger and more self confident every day.

    I stumbled on to your cite searching the enternet. My first thought was ‘this woman has been sitting on my couch for 45 years. The ‘No Contact’ article was my real eye opener. I am applying this to my life everyday.

    Even my therapist agreed with everything you wrote.

    Giving a name to my, soon to be ex’s, issues have brought me and inner peace and acceptance. I have a long way to go, but I am going to be fine. I am excited about the life I have in front of me. Even though I am 65 years old I still have a lot of living to do.

    Thank you for your articles! You with my therapist, my friends and my children have literally saved my life and my soul!

    1. hello-
      married almost 42 years and having the same “conversation”
      after too many oz of beer- I get the abuse.
      the altruistic narcissist ( I just discovered )
      has been our sole provider.
      with physical limitations- I am trapped.
      therapy on how to live with this- is what I will be attempting.
      good for you-
      I get occasional glimpses of liberation- but it doesn’t last…..

    2. Hi Marilyn Childs,
      this is unbelievable. You have survived 45 years of marriage with a narzississt too (this shows how strong we are really). I am on my way to save myself and I hope that you were able to do it too since your post is 5 years old
      God bless

  12. Hi Melanie, I know there is no chance for reconciling with my ex N after reading your article, as he has never taken responsibility for his actions, saying it was both of us or blaming where we were living causing us problems or whatever else he could use as to the reasons it didn’t work out. He sent me an email tonight after some time of not hearing from him, telling me he longs to see me again, hold my hand, just be with me, then tells me about what he has been doing, hiw he is not well (there is always something wrong with him), asks me how I am but continues with making it all about him. For eg; how are you?-I have had some terrible moments since our parting, blah blah and says how broke he is, but manages to spend hundreds of dollars on his collecting obsession. I still have some work to do on myself, but at least know now that we will not be getting back together, so that has set me free. He lives with the illusion we are still together and can’t let go. I just want him to be happy as I do care. I wish he could feel the same and let me go in his mind. The article has helped me to keep moving on putting my energy into my own life, thanks Melanie. J

  13. Your “no contact’ ebook link is broken…I was unable to download the ebook.

    Could you please email directly to me?

    Thank you,
    Mary

  14. I needed this support and guidance right now. As I matured in my early twenties and sought my own healing, I learned that my Father was a Narc. No wonder why he didn’t take one bit of responsibility and the problem wasn’t me, it was the abuse emotionally, physically and mentally. He had me caught in the web, but with the resources I used to find my truth, I had cut ties with him, it was the only way I would be healthy. I seen how he used people as pawns to try to get me to be his supply again and again. It’s sad how he uses my Brother to try to get me back. I laugh out loud now because he is powerless over me and I shake my head because he has nothing to offer but anger and evil motivations. It’s been about 5 years since I have spoke with him. He had instant messaged me last night, I didn’t know it was him. When I discovered it was, I told him the reason why we aren’t speaking is because he is an abuser and I am not going to tolerate it, then he writes back “you are living in the past”… and then I wrote back “this conversation is over” and clicked off the screen. I understand he is a sick person. I’m trying to be the most loving person I can grow to be, to learn and heal from this.

    1. That is so bizarre. My last ex-Narc said “you are living in the past” the day before I gave birth to our child when I told him I was disappointed or upset about him having another child three months older than ours-to-be with a woman I was not aware of. Or perhaps I said something about the other woman that he was living with and had not mentioned. (It was a different woman who had his child.)

      Narcs are like robots, programmed to do what they do. It sometimes seems like we could switch one of them out for another one, and it would be the exact same experience.

  15. For some reason I feel the desperate need to remind post writers, that this ‘N’ phenomina is NOT mostly a male thing – it relates to ‘both’ sexes. My first marriage was to a ‘N’ -of whom changed overnight from the wedding day onwards. I simply cannot recall the awakening of this phenomina after one year, or was it two or three….who knows! I remarried eight years later to an amazing a beautiful woman who can only be described as the TOTAL OPPOSITE. In order for me to go through with my new marriage, I personally believed it was important to go through the ‘forgiveness’ thing with the ex-‘N’. This was an experience in itself, all one-sided, still NO remorse, no acceptance of personal wrongs, no taking responsibility for one’s OWN part of the dysfunctional relationship. I was almost gobsmacked with the attitude that: “All the pain, hurt, anguish was all inflicted upon her…..and she would simply take no responsibility for any part of the hurts in the relationship.” So, as you can imagine my surprise (even after 8 years had passed) there was no remorse displays, no apology, no responsibility taken WHATSOEVER! OMG, I was taken-a-back…drove home deeply saddened and simply glad it was all over.

    Interesting to Note: The axiety levels were through the roof when encountering the Ex-‘N’ again (even a after 8 years) this in itself, is a fascinating phemonima!!!

    Personally, now I believe that sociopaths and psychopaths are all on this same continuum as are ‘N’. I believe it is a sliding scale….and they all live on it ‘daily’ for only one reason Narcissistic Supply. To FEED of other human beings…!

    Love your work – you are awesome!

  16. Near the “surprise” end of our relationship my boyfriend confided he was bipolar. I had just called him out on this push/pull thing he does with me every couple of weeks and told him this behavior hurts me, we need to find out why he does it and fix it. I always thought I was very good at communication and working things out. I was very matter of fact, calm and very willing to hear his suggestions on how to make this a win/win situation. When he told me he was bipolar I was not necessarily shocked that he was bipolar but shocked that he hadn’t told me sooner. Apparently he’d been working on this with his ex girlfriend before me. He said he was going to get some therapy and supposedly went to a therapist a week or so after this conversation, just before Christmas. After the appointment, he told me the therapist told him he was not bipolar but depressed with narcissistic tendencies. My boyfriend also said he was going to continue to go to therapy until he stopped “treating people like s***.”
    He broke up with me 10 days later. He wanted to go motorcycle riding through the mountains New Years weekend. I was getting a bad cold and did not want to spend three days on the back of a motorcycle riding through the mountains coughing my brains out. I told him to go with out me and he went with some friends. For two days he refused my calls, texts etc. Finally when I sent a text telling him I loved him he responded. He said we’d talk when he got home. He’d been asking me for months if I loved him and I would tell him it was too soon, even making suggestions about us getting married someday. I had no idea he would react like this. He told me he was sorry, turns out he was not ready for a relationship, didn’t mean to hurt me, could we please stay friends….I was devastated as anyone on this site knows. I still have trouble eating, sleeping, maintaining focus etc. A friend stayed with me at first and said I would cry in my sleep and call out his name. The pain is just unbearable at times. I have never in my life ever been like this before. I am always the cheerleader, the happy one, the good friend every one comes to for love, help, advice or just a shoulder.
    Now for the past 5 months I have been living a life I no longer recognize. In that time we’ve gone out as friends to dinner a few times, to the theater but just a few weeks ago he really turned on the charm. Acting like he wanted me back in his life. Playing this Tim McGraw song “Better that I used to Be” saying it made him think of me and that it made him cry.

    His mom has cancer and I know (well I think) that it hurts him as she is now stage 4. He used that on me as well. He asked me to stay so he wouldn’t have to be alone that night. I did but only as a friend. He was expecting sex but I wasn’t going there.

    The next day I left, he sent me a silly text later that afternoon then he went silent. His mom had some appointments with specialists that week he was taking her to. I didn’t push him thinking he was trying to get a hold of his emotions. Turns out, he was getting a hold of his ex and at least one other girl. Within a week of his so called “better than I used to be” stint with me he was back with his ex before me. And not just back, but engaged. This has all happened in the past 5 weeks.

    I am in therapy and working my way back to the right side of the looking glass but there are days when I wake up in the morning in tears sobbing that I survived the night and have to go on another day. I have moments where I think I see things clearly, but just moments. I am unable to hang on to it permanently. I still wonder what would have happened if the song had worked on me?
    I know everyone here is going to say “how lucky” I am that it was not me that he is marrying. Or that he really does love his ex and would have just dumped me anyways. At least that has been the consensus among friends and family thus far. I really want to get back to my “normal” as I fear my depression over this is starting to really wear thin with friends. I hear everyone’s advice and I am trying really I am to see this as a learning experience and move on. How do you know if you need more help like prozac or something? Has anyone tried that and had any luck?

    1. Hi Granger:
      I can relate to your story with my N boyfriend of 3 years. I really understand the depression, and it wearing thin on your friends, and wanting your life to go back to normal. How are you doing now that some time has passed?

  17. I was with my husband since I was 16 years old and I was totally blind to his NPD until January of this year. He broke my heart and I thought I would die. I couldn’t believe the lies, deceit and absolute betrayal and he shows a total lack of accountability or empathy for me as his wife. I now know he is a pathological liar and a serial sex addict. He dishonoured the covenants of our marriage in every possible way and he almost destroyed me. He is the master of deceit and I still can’t believe this is the man I have been with for the past 27 years… During my time of absolute despair and heartbreak I found God (Father, Son & Holy Spirit). I know this might sound corny, but let me tell you He has saved my life. He has healed me from the inside out and given me the strength and confidence to deal with this tragic situation and feel whole again. No drugs, no drink, 6 sessions at the psychologist and she is amazed and doesn’t need to see me again. I promise you, trust in God and He will heal you from this heartbreaking situation. I have been saved, I know you will be too, if you believe.

  18. Is is hard to believe that these stories are so very similar and each location, life is so different except for the N I dream of my ex always, can’t get him out of my head. Know it is all over after 9.5 years, there are moments of great relief and moments of dispair. I am glad I kept years of emails and insanity to remind myself that it really was true and I am Sane!! The stunts, lies and craziness are like they have scripts for a play. How,can that be?? The support from you other women is so helpful on my road to recovery and reality. It is scary to see where we have all been. Can it be the same guy!!lol

  19. What a great resource . Thankyou for taking the tome to share your knowledge and experience!
    I went through the charade of a marriage to an N only to discover six months later that he had been having an affair with another woman even before he met me! In my logical mind I cannot understand why a person would bother getting married , spending all that money etc when it needn’t have happened . His words never really were backed up by his actions and he often acted suspiciously . My guy feeling was that something was going on. But he was a really clever man and an excellent blatant liar , even swearing on his dead daughters grave on one occasion!
    Eventually the other woman rang me . At one stage he took me out for dinner held my hand and declared he wanted to reconcile . The next night I went to his place and found him with that same woman on the couch !
    He cannot be healed, he is one unworthy individual. When I left I took his wedding ring and am now wearing it as a symbol of regaining my power back . No matter how charming or cajoling he becomes he will never get to wear it again . I feel strong and sane , I know I am much better than him.

  20. I can’t even begin to thank you enough for everything you have written and made available to me and every other person who has suffered abuse from an N. I spent 10 years with one. I believed, yes, just as you said …he was my soul mate. I look back now and see I was happy in the beginning because he had everything his way…I always gave in. I have had to accept that the “man” I loved only existed in my head….and the N I lived with would never be that man…and he showed me over and over…I just didn’t want to see it. His words have NEVER matched his actions. He is trying now to pull me back…but this time…I”m in intensive therapy and I have my eyes wide open and I finally see him for who he really is. It’s kind of sad…he is totally alone…he has always driven away anyone who cared about him. He has no family, no friends and he says over and over to me…”you’re the love of my life and the only person who has given me any semblance of family.” Wow…sounds great, if only he treated me like I was the love of his life…his words are empty and have no meaning to me anymore. I wouldn’t trust him any further than I could throw him.
    Thank you Melanie….for helping me see why was stuck for 10 years. I’m getting free…I haven’t been happy in so long I have forgotten what it feels like. But I’m getting better every day….I’ll get there!

  21. How do you get out of a marriage with an extremely clever N. husband and children?
    This is my question as I have 2 children and can’t seem to get out of this controlling abusive destructive relationship. I get threat after threat and I am scared especially for my children. I am totally isolated as my family is on another continent. I just want him to go away and be happy doing whatever he wants to do. He is antisocial and won’t leave even though I have told him I don’t trust him. I stopped working when we had kids and we moved for his work. Now I am going through hell and would like to regain a feeling of peace. I don’t think I will be happy for a long time unless I never speak to him. But with children, we’ll always have to speak to each other and he is using them to control me. Any suggestions welcome.

  22. Hi Stef,

    thank you for your post.

    The behaviour you are describing is typical narcissism – and the bullying, control and the fear they instil.

    In order to break away, stay away and create boundaries, truly we need to heal and empower ourselves past the ‘charges’ of fear and all other hooks that keep us handing our power over to narcissists.

    When we do this inner work, this occurs and we do get clear and straight and we discover how powerless the narcissist becomes when we no longer hand over narcissist supply and play into their hand.

    Many of my articles are about this process, so please read, read, read and read!

    Ultimately my Healing Program – NARP – works directly at you Inner Self level to release the fear and empower yourself in order to claim your life – free of the narcissist.

    You can see details of this Program here:

    https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narc-abuse-recovery.htm

    I hope this helps.

    Mel xo

  23. I’m 53 and I am building up the courage to leave for the 3rd and final time – he has ‘ended it’ 20 times or so in the past year and actually had all his things packed at least 3 times then changed his mind at the last minute – usually (seemingly) due to my undignified crying and begging whilst telling him it was all my fault and I could see what I was doing wrong (and I could … how crazy is that??)with him telling me he was going to give me one more chance and that he loved me and didn’t really want to leave. The last time I finished the relationship I thought I’d done it for good after 7 really painful up and down years of lies and occasional unfaithfulness. I’d even met someone else who was very supportive about the split and was keeping me strong. I still felt immense pain every now and then when I thought about the (I’m using the word ‘the’ rather than ‘my’ because I don’t want to give him that energy) ex N but was maintaining no contact as id found that in the past that was the only way I could deal with separation from him. I noticed that each time we split even though the promises got bigger and bigger the relationship had regressed rather than progressed and I was getting less and less from him while giving more and more of myself. 3 months after the last split I picked up the phone one night after having a few glasses of wine with my new boyfriend – I always check the last 3 digits of the phone number and I thought it was my son or I wouldn’t have picked it up as the ex N had starting trying to get my attention via email in the week or so before – stupidly id eventually replied but very coldly and matter of factly. As soon as I heard the ex N’s voice I began to melt. I really did put up a good fight but after 2 months of promises and him starting therapy and doing EVERY SINGLE thing on the list above to prove to me he was worth having back I gave in and married him. He hasn’t been unfaithful and I’m not concerned about that. Somehow the pain he caused himself (I ended it because I found out about 2 more women … one he’d slept with and one he was ‘courting’) had made him vow to himself, and for himself only (which I believe is the only reason he made the vow – not because of the pain he caused me or them – just himself because he ended up hurt/out of control of the situation because of it) that he’d never be unfaithful again and he hasn’t. However, it took 3 weeks for him to slip back to his old ways and end the marriage (for the first time) in a few seconds of temper. He threw his wedding ring at me and told me it was over. I was stunned as we’d just had the 3 happiest weeks together we’d ever had – no rows, no cross, words nothing – I don’t even remember what it was I said that set him off but it wasn’t anything that a normal person would have even noticed as I was totally shocked and couldn’t understand how he could have got what I said so very wrong. I think it might have been that he got fed up with me needing reassurance – I might have asked a question but he’d told me that I could ask for as much as I wanted and that if it took me a year to trust him and feel confident then that was fine. It’s almost as if he can’t act out by being unfaithful any more so he gets rid of the frustration he feels by using he anger against me now instead of sleeping around or having flirtations – it always seemed to me that he was doing it for an ego boost rather than the sex and that the sex was incidental and usually only if they made it impossible not to do – kind of so he could blame them rather than himself …. ‘ it wasn’t my fault they made me’. Quite often it was only a text relationship and meeting for coffee and he’d end it when they became demanding of his attention rather than him initiating contact via text – if they suggested meeting up rather than him for example or if they said Hi then text a couple more times if he didn’t reply straight away. I wonder if that’s normal for N’s?

    Since he ended the marriage for the first time it’s gone massively down hill – he beat me one night when he was drunk causing a detached retina and black floating spots in my eye, that I will have forever, and has now started to break belongings of mine that he knows are precious to me when he is in a rage with me.

    I know I have to get out – I’m starting therapy on the 17th October and I’m praying for strength from this. I can’t end it without the therapy being in place because I’m too scared that I would give in and have him back. This may sound overly dramatic to anyone who hasn’t lived this progressively worsening nightmare relationship (it’s got noticeably worse for me every time I’ve gone back – it’s as if we take a step back every time instead of forwards as promised) but I really do know deep down that if I end this before I’m strong enough to say ‘NO’ to getting back together and gave in and had him back again he would literally end up killing me. I think he would go willingly at the moment but in 2 weeks or a month he would want me back and all the promises and apologies would start again. I’m really really scared. This is the first time I’ve admitted all this to someone else although it was a friend who gave me this website address.

    I was a healthy, gym fit, high earning, confident, happy, outgoing woman when I met him and wouldn’t take any nonsense from any man and never have. I didn’t believe in soul mates until I met him. I was diagnosed with ME just over 2 years ago and do not recognise myself – nor do my friends. In fact friends of 40 years haven’t recognised my behaviour and the devastation he causes me right from the start. I’ve just started using a debt management charity who are helping me sort out my debts. He owes me £23k which I’m never going to see – he only ever paid me back any money when he was trying to get back with me and at all other times says I gave him the money – he’s also done this to 3 of his friends for 10k, 4k and 3k. I’m very lucky I started off so strong because I’ve managed to keep my house and my car through sheer will power.

    Thank you Melanie – I’m going to keep reading your articles and if/when I get my finances in order I would really like to buy your book and do your course for me but also to give you back something. x

    1. Sally, NARP is cheaper than two counselling sessions and the results (from personal experience)and testimonials from others is very fast in some cases, breaking the cycle after only a couple to 3 sessions. It gets down into our body ‘cells’ and shifts out the pain, never to return. I am a tough cookie to heal and it is working miracles with me. Have a read of what it does and Melanie is living proof that it works. x

    2. I hope you have given up the notion that you caused his bad behavior by doing or saying something “wrong”. His narcissistic traits caused him to act the way he did and still does. Narcissists don’t take responsibility for anything they do and always blame someone else; they can’t believe that others don’t think or act the same twisted ways they do and accuse us of the things they do, like cheating and lying. I was miserable with the narcissist for our last 2 years together. I fell for him in the love bombing stage when he was so good to me and such a great lover but the false self did not last and the insecure, nasty, unreliable cheater, thief and liar showed up. I thought about breaking up many times and berated myself for not acting until one day he decided he had to tell me all the things I do wrong and I “snapped” and told him to pack his stuff and leave my house. One week later, there were 3 fires set in my basement that was ruled arson and we were both questions by the criminal detectives. He left the next morning. They asked me about 8 times if I thought he set the fires and I answered each time that I did not think he was that evil. After 2 months of no contact and a lot of reading about malignant narcissists, I changed my mind and realized that the 3 events were all related (me telling him to leave, the fires and him leaving the next morning without saying a word). It is horrible to think someone I was so good to could do something that was so evil; my house had structural damage and I cannot afford to fix it. My homeowner’s insurance insisted that I did not pay several bills that I never got or respond to the cancellation notice I never got either so they cancelled my policy about one month before the fires so I had no coverage for the claim. Now I even wonder if he took the cancellation notice out of the mail but I did not get the email they say they sent either and I don’t think he went into my computer. Now I question everything he ever told me. I missed him at first but I am better off without the daily hurts and disappointments. I called him a thief because he took my debit card out of my wallet and helped himself to cash at the ATM; the worst was when he disappeared for a week or 2 with the card and blocked my calls and texts and left me to take care of his 5 week old puppy; I did not want a pit bull or a puppy but that was what he wanted and brought home one day, insisting he was an expert in training pit bulls. Two weeks later, he disappeared for 2 weeks to be with the woman he was cheating with and I knew nothing about taking care of a puppy. He insisted that she was housetrained when he got her at too young of an age and that I ruined it but I don’t believe it was true. He never trained or socialized her and she is terrified of strangers. She cried for an hour after he left; the day before he told me he didn’t want her any more. I suspect he did not know where he was going to live so didn’t think he could take care of her. She is lying next to me as I type this and has been with me for 14 months; I am too empathic to abandon her too.

  24. Update: He packed all his things and took the majority of them last night. At 3pm today he collects the rest but hes already started to text asking if i know how to reset his email account as he can send but not receive. I text back its not my responsibility. I intend to change all my numbers, all the locks, maintain no contact after his last belonging is gone today. Im really really sad but at long last realise that the good behaviour only lasts a few weeks or days and that its just pretend. The better behaved he is the worse or more unexpected the fall out is and ive come to the end of my supply of patience. I start counselling on Wednesday and i need all the strength i can get to stop me from caving in again. I dont think i will and this time i have the lightening flashes from a detached retina and the black cloud floating across my vision to remind me how dangerous it is to go back. Thank God for Melanie and this website and please God give me strength.

    1. Hi Sally, thought I would say hi too and I see that you have started counselling. It is good to talk about stuff, but a counsellor will continually get you to talk and talk, so much that from personal experience and from what Melanie has explained..talking about it over and over does not change anything, only giving you temporary relief. It also creates the addiction to the narc abuse more intense and leaves us more powerless. There are two 3 videos Mel has made and they are on this site under the articles. These will explain what is happening on a cellular level ‘peptide addiction’ and the fastest way I found to recover is with the QFH sessions, and with NARP Programme. Read about ‘NO CONTACT’ too and if you want your power back, strength and to be able to heal, try the programme. It is very affordable. If you are happy to try the counselling, make sure it is with someone who is an expert or has been through Narc abuse or they will have no idea how to help you. My counsellor after 3 sessions only drained my energy more and left me more powerless, as all I did was talk and talk about the abuse, what happened and there was nothing to help me break the cycle of addiction to the Narc. Best of luck to you and let us know how you are too. We are all there for each other. x

      1. Hi Jac Thank you for taking the time to reply its very thoughtful and much appreciated. My counsellor is great so far (and free on the NHS). She talked through reporting physical abuse and damage to my eye to the police and today i made a statement to them and its highly likely that he will be prosecuted. Its made a huge difference to my state of mind. I feel like i have control of my life for the first time in years. Im shocked that much of what he was doing i had started to think was normal and ok – my sense of perspective was completley askew. Its still a bit off balance but every day im having new realisations and insights and every time i do i feel stronger. I always tried my version of contact before but he always found a way through. In hindsight i think its because i took my eye off the ball and thought he was over me. I now realise that that was never going to happen while i was protecting him and thinking the best of him. Now, by showing him my actions (reporting his crime to the police and by actually realising it was a crime) he will know that he cant touch me again. After he left and after spending 3 days ‘shouting’ at me whilst collecting possessions, and via text and email he came up behind me in a Supermarket and stroked my bottom and acted like i was his best friend and we were still together. His words were ‘Hello darling how are you doing? I didnt want to just appear in front of you and frighten you.’ Then he told me hed left something in the house he needed and was half way through offereing to come and get it when i told him id give it to his friend. My old reaction to that would have been ‘oh he still loves me’, id have melted and wanted him to come round to get it and it would all have started over again. My new reaction was ‘oh my God thats not right’ and i felt as if id been violated and very very vulnerable. I found it very threateneing that he thought it was ok to touch me there and that he probably has no boundaries at all.That REALLY scared me and thats what made my mind up that i needed to go to the police.

        The Domestic Violence unit have arranged for someone to come on Tuesday and change the locks and put alarms on my windows and a male friend of the ex and mine is moving in for a month or so as a deterent – he wouldnt dare do anything in front of him. Because the ex got so cocky in the end he actually showed his behaviour towards me to other people a couple of times in what i thought was a small way and wouldnt be noticed but miraculously they picked up on it, were shocked, blamed him and are now protecting me. Im overwhelmed by the support ive had and now from you too, a complete stranger but a new friend i hope.

        Ive been reading everything i can on this site and a couple of days ago decided that as soon as i have the money (no more than 2 weeks i hope) i will download Melanies course. I promise you i will do this. The psychic stuff is really scary too – i felt all day yesterday he was missing me and today i had an email with a link in it for a quickie divorce. THis i guess is to make me miss him, regret splitting up and make me respond. I havent! If he really wants to do it hes welcome – i wouldnt have sent him a link id just have got on with it – which i also intended to do in 2 weeks when i have some spare money. At the moment im working my way through the store cupboard food wise but im even happy doing that coz its my food and i can eat what and when i like with no comments. Bliss!!! Freedom!!!! You sound so strong and switched on do you mind me asking when you left your relationship? x

    2. Hi Sally, what I try to think of is “would I want my daughter to be treated like this”, I know its not that simple but it seems to have helped me, and I am (hopefully =/) on my way out.

  25. I have a bit of a question….. Is it possible for a narcissist to have so completely emptied your energy and spun you around into confusion that you can become or retaliate in a narcissistic manner back (kind of like a wounded animal)…. even though thats not normal behaviour from you and its regretted instantly? and can a narcissist have you so hooked that you can feel sick or absolute dread even though you know they are at work and they say that they were feeling like that before you spoke to them kind of like an emotional intuitive thing? if that makes sense?

    1. Hi Sheree, Just thought I would pop by and say Hi, as I was reading this article again. With your questions. 1. It is normal at times for us to act ‘narcissistically’ when we are being abused. We all carry some narc traits but the difference between us and them is ‘narcs cannot feel empathy’, They simply don’t have the brain wiring to possess it. It was arrested at a young age during their growth. The fact you ‘felt regret instantly’ just wouldn’t happen with a Narc. Their brains don’t function like a normal healthy person. The second Q is interesting, as after a fight, my ex (from his work) would somehow text or email me, saying he felt sad about what happened and sensed my sadness and pain, so sent me a message at the instant I started to really feel the pain. Mel can explain this energetic psychic phenomena that takes place. One way to explain it is, when you are healing and taking back your power usually after a QF session,(a must do, it is amazing) they pop up in a text, or email and it is like they knew you were feeling better. What they do on a psychic level is sense that somehow and want to ‘suck your energy for their supply’usually when they need a hit, like a drug addict needs a fix. They get out the hooks for you to give them what they need, supply. Take care and Mel can answer you better. I just wanted to say something as since working with NARP, I have a better understanding of what is happening within me, now and my focus is off the Narc. Jac x

    2. Hi Sheree. I hope you are strong and well today. I copied a list of traits from the CODA website – http://www.coda.org/tools4recovery/patterns-new.htm and ticked them all off for me then ticked for him in a different colour to see what the comparrison was. As i started to tick them off i was shocked to find that i had exhibited a lot of control traits and many in other sections (these are only when dealing with him though) but even more shocked to find that the compliancy section i scored 100% on. As humans we easily pick up habits (good and bad) that people you spend a lot of time with have – if someone does something to you and it works/upsets/hurts etc etc then its more than likely that you will subconsciously mirror the behaviour back to him. If you are a strong person to start off with you cant end your days bowing your head and doing what you were ordered and if thats not your nature then you are bound to try standing up to him in the way he does to you at some point – and it wouldnt be unusual for your behaviour to be narcisstic in flavour. When a freind first gave me a link to this site my heart dropped because for a few seconds i thought i was the narc and he was the abused party because i done so many of the things in the list. By a third of the way down i was relating any more but he still was. Stay strong and follow Jacs advice – its seems to be very caring and sound. xx

  26. boy oh boy,, after 16 years i think i finally worked out that i have been dealing with a N, i always knew there was something wrong with him, but was thinking some sort of bipolar, i was told by my mother to look up BPD which i did but i also found NPD and boy oh boy he ticks all the boxes,, he is a big scary man to so he gets away with it more.. he has chased away a lot of good friends,, and it doesnt matter where we live he ends up hating all the neighbours. Everybody else has the problem not him.. He is also a very selfish man, i have a tooth missing in the front and need dental work, however buying a new motorbike or a boat is more important. Well i think it may very well be over, we went away to family for this xmas, and traveled 2000km one day he had a problem with my mother whom is having chemo for ovarian cancer,, told her off for being grumpy and mean to him and her husband, walked out didnt come back for 24 hours then packed up his stuff and left,, a few days later i get a txt message asking for the password to the home internet,, (he had driven home 2000km away and left me here) then next thing i know i have been deleted and blocked from his facebook, he also deleted and blocked all my family and friends. i then get a txt saying “work out how to get ur stuff out of the house, then a txt “it can wait until after xmas… then total silence, 3 weeks to the day he rings me, trying to smooth me over, i told him to go see someone about his anger issues, to which he just laughed his head off and said i have a problem. I said that i just want to be friends for a while and go from there,, he was agreeable to that. then the next day i get txt saying he wants more than friends and that i have until friday (5 days time) to give him an answer or he will start packing my stuff and send it to where i want.. but the thing is i have to agree to, going fishing with him, and going on the back of his bike for rides as well as fulfill his sexual desires.. its tuesday and i still havnt responded, so anyway after reading everything about NPD and BPD he makes so much more sense now. but i have also realised i cant keep going on like this.. over the years family and friend have said how strong my mind is for dealing with him for so long. its only now that i am having a lot of anxiety, and i think that is due to being less tolerant to his behaviour, but not being able to say anything because he is so quick tempered and when he goes into a rage his eyes are blank and he is frothing and spitting from the mouth, and babbling, and bringing up things that happened 10 years ago etc. and he even gets to a point where he just starts smashing things… I really think I’m over it, i will try and tell him again to get help but i am not going back anytime soon. and will be following ur guidelines to stay strong,, thanks so much for the eye opener.. cheers Bek

    1. He sounds like a very dangerous man and I’m sure you have your reasons for holding onto this, if even a little bit. I think it’s time to get away from his anger and toxicity. It’s right there, he wants what HE wants and cares nothing for you. He’s an emotional bully, HIS reality comes first. Ask yourself what you receive from his presence in your life. It’s okay to be self preserving about that. Best of luck to you!! I wish you the best. I too have been in situations like this accept it is my mother who goes into these fits and I know how hurtful and dangerous that can be. Here’s to you!!

  27. I have never felt so in control since i found your website. Its just like if I had an ailment and went to the Doctor and he gave me a prognosis. I am able to let my N Husband go. Over the last few weeks I have been uncontrollably crying and ringing him wanting him to show his love to me. He is staying with a friend as 7 months ago i found out he had been having an affair for 16 months and i kicked him out. I desperately wanted him to show remorse and give me loving as he wants to reconcile with me (sent an email to me everyday saying he will be the very best husband, will be loveable and make it up to me blah blah) but once he was with me he could initiate the loving and has decided he does not have to prove anything to me and told me to leave him alone. nb: it was him that wanted to reconcile. When i learnt of his affair and told him to leave he continued contact with her and told me he never wants me back. So I moved on and met a lovely guy whom I liked but wasnt at the stage of falling in love again. As soon as he learnt that I had met someone, the emails started….”i love you and dont want to lose you” pls I will make it up to you” etc…. I gave in and let him into my life again only to find they were only words and his actions showed me otherwise. I got very sick of these games and I started reacting silly by ringing him and textng him why are you not letting me in his life…..he kept pushing me away. I stubbled across your website and it all made sense to me now. After reading loads from your site i was strong enough to tell him to file for a divorce. I stopped contact with him. Now the texts from him is starting up again……”I cant imagine life without You and I” blah blah blah. Even though i still love him I feel like something has dropped and I am beginning to control my feelings, actions and words. Thankyou heaps for this wonderful website!!!!

  28. I am reading and re-reading your articles and blog, trying to get to the point of leaving my relationship and establising “no contact”, but I still have self doubt and questions of whether he is really a narcissist even though countless people including 2 counselors have stated he is a narcissist.
    We started a relationship over 4 years ago and he literally swept me off my feet, showering me with gifts, flowers and “I love yous” barely after we met. He had just ended ( he ex wife ended it actually) a 30 year marriage. I see in retrospect that he was rebounding with me, but at the time I was not aware because I have never been in a rebound relationship, and I myself always have taken a couple years of being on my own before considering another relationship.
    He was super kind, pushing me to “let go” and surrender to his love. I was hesitant and told him it was too soon and I needed time. By about 6 months I told him I had let go and I was surrendered. The very next day he called me and told me he was no longer infatuated with me. First of all I have never had anyone do that, not ever. I felt crushed. I was so confused and hurt. He had actually proposed to me a few months earlier in this elaborate way, with a poem about our circle of love and a ring and fancy dinner.
    He also is a genius, mensa smart. I get confused about him being a narcissist because he is opposite of some I read about in the regards to money. He is way wealthier than I am and he is actually very generous with me, but in a very controlled way. He does not allow me to have any cash. He gives to people on his terms. I have read that most narcissists are takers in this way, but mine is not, he is a giver but it is highly controlled and he holds me by strings. He has left me maybe 30 or more times in the past 4 years. I have never ever been through anything like this before. He is about 15 years older than I am. He is attractive and charming, even though he is in his mid 60s. I am in my late forties. He is is never “wrong”. He cannot admit making a mistake ever. He will leave me if I disagree with him sometimes, but lately he has been trying to pretend he is not narcissistic and is attempting to prove this by not breaking up with me like he used to. He has had long time friends say he a know it all and narcissistic, and he has had his children and others. The counselor we saw together for 3 1/2 years told me he was a narcissist and that there was never any hope for the relationship. He told me it was doomed from the start and that this relationship could destroy me emotionally. We then saw another counselor who said the same thing. he saw these counselors by himself too, many times, sometimes for 2 to 3 hour appts. He has never, and probably will never admit he is a narcissist. He is trying to prove to me he is not one by how “humble” he is and how kind he is. He is super kind to cute women in stores, or anyone who flirts with him. He is far less kind to men or unattractive women. He feeds off attention. I hesitate to say too much about him here because he could retalitate against me and I could end up homeless. He is kind of famous, and he supports me although we live seperately. He lives far away. My children who are older but some still at home tell me that do not want him coming back because he is so controlling and heartless. He is not physically abusive at all, never really has yelled, but he withdraws affection and kindness easliy. He also has consistently critical of me. I have had big health problems and am dependent on him right now but I am trying hard to heal so I can be independent. My doctor thinks I am partly not healing because of him. I have had a surgeon pull me aside after my surgery to ask me if he was abusing me. She would not tell me what he said to her, or what he did, maybe he hit on her, I have no idea, but she told me she did not like or trust him. This was so absurd, I was embarrassed. I also had an accountant tell me she thought he was a narcissist because she had a family member who was who was just like him.
    I have all these people telling me he is a narcissist, but I still question. My counselor says this is because he has “hooked” me. But I have become stronger and closer to seeing this. I really love him. But my counselor says I love my image of him who I think he is. Maybe he is right, but I have a big heart, and I know I have been co dependent too, so I keep forgiving and forgetting too quickly. His family say he is so detached. They are right. He tells me he loves me all the time, occasionally sends flowers, but he has pulled further and further away. I know it is just a matter of time he leaves me for someone else. My counselor said this would be a blessing for me. He said it will be painful, but the best thing that could happen. My counselor says I am very healthy, but have deep attachment to him probably due to childhood abuse. So we are working on this.
    If I ever question him about where he has been or whatever he gets really defensive. I am super open and honest and expect him to be also, but I have found he cannot talk about many things, and one time he told me he is not honest with me about when he talks to women. He gets really attracted to young women and this turns my stomach. He acts really flirtateous when we go into stores sometimes, or does things to get attention like dancing to the store music and other things to attract attention, even though he admantly denies ever wanting attention.
    Why am I having such a hard time believing he is a narcissist? I feel so worn down. I am trying so hard to heal. I feel like my life is over. I want to have the courage to leave, but part of me questions whether it is just in my head, and perhaps I am wrong and so is everyone else. He has good friendship relationships with men at times, but he does not live with them, and usually when he sees them he is taking them to lunch or buying them something etc.
    This has been the toughest relationship I have ever had. I was married to my children’s father for 20 years, and although we were not compatible, we are great friends now. Even he thinks this man is a narcissist too.
    Why am I so confused?

    1. Hi Anne,I see that your posted this comment about 4 years ago so I hope you see my response. I could not believe how exact your story was to mine that I am dealing with right now.. I would love to hear about the outcome if you wouldn’t mind. I pray that it has all worked out for you.

  29. PS~ I have so many instances, or experiences with this man where he has built me up and then torn me down. I forgot to state this. I was told this is his way of establishing control. His ex wife felt oppressed and was so sick and depressed for many years. I know many people wonder why I have stayed if it is like this, but he shifts quickly into that “loving” charming man, telling me how much he loves me etc. He has quite an incredible facade. Women email him off his website and fawn over him. I cannot say what he does, but he is well known in certain circles and appears very enlightened. This has been so difficult to understand and so painful, and even harder to leave. I am worried if I leave I will regret it. But, I am most likely wrong.

    1. Hi Anne – i just wanted to say i really felt for you when i read your story it echos mine so closely i cant tell you!!! He is definitely a Narcissist even the good things he does are following the pattern perfectly. The proving he is not a narcissist, ive changed etc etc etc will not last and in my experience the nicer they are the worse the treatment you get when he cant keep it up any longer. Mine wasnt physically abusive until hed conned me into marrying him by going to counselling, apologising to all my friends and family, saying hed realised that his behaviour hurt everyone around him and had made me ill and that he was going to look after me from now on and make me well. After 3 wonderful totally amazing weeks of marriage he threw the ring back at me for the first time because i asked him a question, 6 months after he punched me in the head 9 times because he didnt understand/ misunderstood a very simple non abusive joke id made. He didnt really misunderstand it was the pressure of being the fake version of himself for so long that brought out that level of anger and not anything i did. Dduring the time we were married he was the nicest hed ever been and the worst! I thought this man loved me more than anyone else ever had because if i was as annoying, useless blah blah blah as he said i was then why would he keep coming back to me and treating me like a princess if he didnt REALLY love me. The longer it goes on and the more the fake him has to be on show the worse it will get. Please leave this man and be safe darling!!!!

  30. Hi my n I split with him on boxing day because he was getting close to a girl we knew for two years then all of a sudden he was hiding and calling her and planning to meet up with her while I was at work… He said it was nothing and she’s like a sister but I could sence he liked her. Been begging for affection and attention and I told him those people that disrespected our home a few months back are not welcome here including this woman.. He just says deal with it… That night one of his mates kicked my dog in the head it’s a little one and I found him with a huge chunk of skin missing on his head. And his friend was out the back throwing chairs and BBQ over just plain messed up … My n wasn’t out the back but out the front.. With this girl. When I walked out trying to calm his mate down ( btw I was in bed trying to sleep for work and told him not to bring ppl over) he said to me he was protecting her ( I was like what the hel) she can come back in the gate if something was wrong. Anyway was a horrible night and he knew very well I put my boundaries up only to be discarded for what he wanted to do.. Anyway boxing day he went out until seven. I was upset but left him to sleep it off and come back nd spend time together later. When I get home the first thing in his head after being dead to the world was ring this woman up and bring her over for drinks. This hurt me but I tried to be nice .. Try to drag him away and saw what the hell are you thinking.. I had a few shots and yes I started to put him down .. Tried again while she left for the toilet to tell him I’m not happy. Anyway he pussed of in her car and stayed at her house all night . I rang and rang only to receive a text saying ” trust me when nothing’s happening I needed to get away because your being a bitch” now after eight weeks he won’t stop asking me to come over its hard to say no… I posted what I want from him, he admits he needs to change but still says I made him unhappy for so long and he won’t have that again… And this isn’t the first time I forgave him. One night he rang me to pick him up at three am drunk as hell. I did after he wouldn’t give up calling . In the car he demands I take him to get food . I was telling him no blah blah then he punched me in the face I was so shocked . Then I told him to get out and he forced his weight all onto me I had to try and drive while I’m breathing in my face and thank god the cops pulled us over… Anyway I’m worried because I feel weak sometimes he puts the I’m lonely. And I’m having a hard time… I’m having panic attacks blah blah this is my story. I’m not living there does he sound like a narssasist.

  31. Ps ii met this man at age 19 I’m now 26 this year. He’s making me. Feel guilt for not going over and watching movies by asking me over six times… Should I believe this man will learn once and for all for his mistakes.?? Will he actually fut me first for once? Will he be intimate with me for once not because it’s on his terms.. Btw this man never kissed me passionately always closed mouth unless it was a special day…. No real affection unless it was laying on the couch watching movies and in the bedroom sorry guys … But no foreplay and if it was it felt forced upon him .. He did try . I do love him. But I don’t know if I can be let down a third time.. I don’t want to let him go also due to his own safety and health. This man has high cholesterol .. Drinks a lot and takes valium and antidepressants .. I’m afraid he will do something.. I don’t now . Any answers ?? Btw he was generous with splurging on me when on holiday but refused to put our money together.. Never wanted to marry me because he’s been waiting for me to grow up. I can be a little careless at times and insecure to the point of checking his phone too much and then blasting him. When he done it again causing the blame back onto myself.. It goes on.. We did have some good times tho 🙁

    1. Oh and I forgot one more thing the only time he came close to proposing to me is after a bucks night. Him coming home at six am the only one out of the group beaten up…crying then passing out Next morning he goes to the doctors alone because I refused to go and brings back a diamond ring… He said to me he was going to ask me when he gave it to me … You tell me what the hell happened there because never have I got a full story. And he doesn’t admit it was an apology ring he gave it to me because he loves me. Ok that’s it I promise.. Any advise is great thanks

      1. Hi Sam, please dont go back,, its never going to get better trust me.. i finally left my N after 16 years, ur story sounds very much the same as mine.. you have got to think of yourself and your wellbeing, you where so young when you got with him, dont let him take anymore of your prime time, go and live life, My N took the best years of my life away, i can never get them back, so now im in my 40’s and starting from scratch again, due to him being so aggressive and a narcissist i had to walk away with basically nothing,, i got my car and a few boxes of personal stuff, he got the house, cars, harley, and all the furniture… i know i could fight in court to get half, but its much easier to walk away… i have had no contact for about 2 months and everyday i feel free and more relaxed…

  32. Hi Mel, the more NC time I have away from my NPD husband and the more I learn about my own healing, the more empowering the articles are for me. Its so amazing how succinctly your messages speak to me and obviously to many other people. I’m really pleased I’ve started the NARP program recently. Thankyou Mel for this gift of healing and a new future that you offer to me and to others x

  33. My story is quite a tale. I was married for 24 years before I had the strength to get out. I knew something was not right with him from the beginning but I had too little life experience to be able to put a name to it. I eventually realized that he was too attached to his mother and showed a lot of anger towards me because I was the reason he had to leave his parents’ house. When I spoke to him about it, he would only say I was making trouble where there wasn’t any. I began to notice how much he needed other people’s attention, mine was never good enough. He would go to events even if I wasn’t invited, saying he had to attend because HE was invited. He was sexually disrespectful to me, if I confronted him, he would say it was my fault. I knew he didn’t love me but I didn’t realize he couldn’t love anyone, except maybe his mother. He always made me feel insignificant, like I had no value. He would never defend or protect me, told me I could take care of myself! Then one year he got an offer to go into partnership in a coffee bar with his cousin & two other men. He promised it wouldn’t change our lives but it was the beginning of the end. After his day job he would do a shift at the coffee bar and only come home at 11:00 pm, too tired to even speak to me. This went on for two weeks. I got curious and showed up by surprise at the coffee bar. There he was surrounded by young women & guys, holding court like he was this great persona, everybody’s good friend! With that much narcissist supply, I never stood a chance. He wouldn’t listen to anything I ever said negatively about the bar, he’d get very angry. One of the partners decided they should sell cocaine to make more money. When I found out, I went ballistic. He & the cousin told me I didn’t know what I was talking about when I told them the dangers and illegalities of selling drugs. My ex accused me of not wanting him to have any friends. I told him these were not friends but drug dealers. He preferred to listen to them, my warnings had no value. Well not long after that the genius got caught by undercover cops & got 6months. He only served 1 month. I told him I wouldn’t be there for him if he did this again. He never once seemed the least bit sorry, never apologized. He was prohibited from returning to the bar by the court but he would sneak in the back door and returned to his groupies. He acted like a big Mafia guy and most of the young women just flocked to him. He listened to some other drug dealers who convinced him to do one more big deal. Nothing I did or said could stop him. He said was doing this for me & our sons. I told him if he was doing this for us, we were asking him to stop. Of course he was doing it for himself, for the attention he got. Well within 18 months, he got caught again & this time got 14 years. Never apologized for ruining our lives. He blamed the police as he said they didn’t have enough evidence, he shouldn’t have been convicted. Even when he was released after 3 years, he was still trying to make drug dealing connections, that was his sole focus. I divorced him, he made it very difficult but I remained strong and had a good lawyer. Years later now, I had a small chance to speak to him calmly but he became instantly angry at me, told me everything was my fault. He couldn’t believe that I would ever leave him. He’s now seeing one of the waitresses that worked for him at the coffee bar; she had a huge crush on him at the time which I now think may have crossed the line. He delighted in telling me she’s a wonderful woman and he’s never been happier with anyone else. I told him good for you. From what others have told me, she’s as dumb as he is and he abuses her emotionally. She has no self value, so she well suited to him. I have cut what little contact I had with him even though our sons had hoped we could be friends. I told them it’s too emotionally draining to be around this person who hates me so much and has the immaturity to blame me for the failure of the marriage.

  34. Just found this amazing lady’s website… Like all of you I was left gob smacked and somewhat upset… when reality hits you and you read the posts you realise what has happend!!! I am only just beginning to see it. I left my N 8 weeks ago. I decided to write a letter that I intended to send to him (have not sent since I read everything here on this website). HOWEVER… showing this to my therapist first meeting.. I not only got confirmation of my ex being a N but it s now a tool to my recovery as the things I have written show he was who he was and gives me and my therapist many things to work on… I am yet to get to grips with it all.. as I still feel numb and still doubt everything… and with what you read just shows I still need clarity.
    This was my letter
    Mimi is my beautiful little dog . I can not have children. She is a small schichon pretty little dog only 6kg’s.
    My thoughts were to leave this but after hearing from my sister and her partner that you had said to them at Christmas ‘at least you got the sane one of the 3’ I felt you should know exactly why I left you. I was only 10 days out of hospital from acute appendicitus
    Firstly I will point out what the things you said I did wrong
    I never gave you enough attention
    Mimi got more attention than you
    I should not feed Mimi tit bits
    I should not put Mimi on my knee she is a dog and belongs on the floor.
    I would also like to point out at this stage that the biggest part of your problem is your head…. I have no reason to lie to you know we are not together…….. BUT I NEVER ONCE EVER CHEATED ON YOU. EVER. However to save some painful times for your next victim you might want to sort your head out and stop using this is an excuse as I believe your ex may well have been in the same boat as me whereby you convince yourself of something that isn’t true…. (generally the person accusing the person of doing the cheating is often the one who is)…. As it is not even something I would think about.
    You also believe I am a nightmare when drunk.
    Which is the biggest joke of all as the majority of hurtful nasty things you have said and done to me when you are knowingly drunk or secretively drunk pales my stress head into insignificance.
    You have called me a bitch, a hoar and a slag when accusing me of being with somebody else. Our neighbours hear d you … you were that nasty, cruel and aggressive they thought you were beating me up. I cried …. you would not calm down,,,, and all you could do was to carry on shouting… I know this because that night I purposely did not drink. Causing such a fuss I had no choice but to ask you to leave. That was after hours of you accusing me and shouting nonstop.
    That was YOUR FAULT. I had to ask you to leave. If I had done the same you would have done exactly the same thing.
    Another time you had been drinking
    We were in bed together one night and we started to have sex…. at which point you turned and said in an evil voice ‘every time we have sex I feel like I am raping you’ laughed and shrugged me away….!!
    What the hell would you have done if I had said something similar If I had said to you every time we have sex I feel like you are raping me ….? I hate to think!
    I have never said anything so horrific to you EVER
    The latest thing at our house was when you came back pissed , said you hadn’t been drinking and went and passed out on the bed, we were due to go out that evening for a nice meal and night….. however when I came to the door and asked if you were okay and did you want to go out, you turned round and said ‘get ere and suck my cock’, I said what? What are you talking about? And you carried on mumbling… I do not know who you thought you were talking to?
    You called me a dried u old spinster!
    What would you have done if I had gone out said I was only going to be half an hour.. came back 3 hours later pissed and rambled something like that to you?!
    I NEVER DID!
    Needless to say you insisted we go out only to not be spoken to the whole way there or back!
    This was after the night you had been out helping a mate do some removals said you would be back at tea time… then it was going to be 7ish and it ended up at 10pm…you then got pissed and sat in the chair that night whilst I was in bed saying you had picked the wrong sister….. (I won’t tell you what my sister and boyfriend think about that)
    I was upstairs in bits!!!!!!! How horrid!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would never EVEN THINK THAT LET ALONE SAY IT! .
    On one of our trips back to England (I had just had my appendix out… just 10 days after…. you started again about not having enough sex…. you blamed me for my ex husband leaving…. (he was sleeping with somebody else) not sleeping with me… it was the other way round… you went on and on about it calling me Princess Nikki and what does Princess Nikki want to do…. I tried talking to you… I ended up trying to shout at you…. I went and slept in the car… YOU MADE THAT HAPPEN… YOU KNOW YOU ARE SCARY WHEN YOU SHOUT… YOUR FAULT … I SLEPT IN THE CAR. YOUR DOING AGAIN! Who is the insane one? I ended up with flu on top of that.. I was so ill over Christmas and I had to force myself to go out one night because you had started sulking again… you went in a bad mood…
    YOU DID. YOU WENT IN THE MOOD … NOT ME
    Many times after you have created like this I have asked you to leave and stupid me does ask you back… I sort of feel sorry for you and wonder what the hell happened in your life to make you so mean….I try to text you… and I either get back
    FUCK OFF AND DIE or GOODBYE HAVE A GOOD LIFE
    Who is insane? The so called being in the forces (which I now do not believe )even if you had there are hundreds of men that have done the same and not ended up as nasty as you. My sister’s boyfiend who served in the army, for example has been there done it even been asked if he is a baby killer!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so that shit doesn’t add up.!
    You have thumped me in the face because I was trying so hard to get you to understand and believe me that I had not shagged some bloke … you still to this day won’t believe me…. I kept telling you and telling you as you were kicking off so badly… you thumped me in the face….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DID THAT!
    You then went on self destruct and drowned yourself in vodka … I came and got you as I thought you must have felt really bad about hitting ME!!! (yes I suppose I must be insane.) But I loved you and I didn’t want you to feel bad about what you had done!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Would that not prove anything to you?
    NO
    It goes on:-
    Mimi was very ill when we went away this last time …in fact it was a nightmare for all of us….. Mimi had gasturenturitus and NEEDED a vet….. she was being sick every 20 minutes 4 or 5 times and that went on all night and morning…. the vet said she would get dehydrated…. you said she was just like a human being not feeling too well and been sick and that she would get over it and that you had tummy ache aswell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She was desperately ill and would have needed to stay in hospital if I had not taken her back the second time…… what did you do… YOU WENT IN A MOOD. YOU DID NOT TALK TO ME ALL NIGHT. YOU SAT OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM ON YOUR LAPTOP ALL NIGHT. NOT ONCE DID YOU COME AND SEE IF WE WERE OK. THE NEXT MORNING YOU SAID WE ARE GOING
    YOU DID NOT TALK TO US THE WHOLE WAY HOME. YOU GOT IN THE HOUSE AND LAY ON THE SOFA ALL DAY WATCHING MOVIES.
    I am amazed at myself that I have kept running back to you as these are just a few things that have happened. I thought things would get better but they JUST GOT WORSE.
    We got a house together and you stay away more.. or longer… you think when I say I don’t like us being apart that I am being needy…… I DIDN’T NEED YOU … I just wanted us to be together like any normal couple. Just normal and happy. On the odd occasion you were lovely but as time goes by all these things you have said and done and the fact that you can only go 2 days of being nice just isn’t right for me to sit and wait for you to come home to get a barrage of shit.
    I cannot win. When I try to tell you how I feel you see me as being needy. Or you scream and shout at me and TELL ME I AM BEING horrid…. I AM TELLING YOU WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME… AND YES IT IS HORRID …. You need to take responsibility for what you say and do.
    If you hadn’t of wanted a relationship then why did you want to move in with me the day you split up with your ex … I know you didn’t because I said it was too early and that I did not want to be the reason for you two splitting up. It was my suggestion that you stay in one of the cabins…. I mean we had not even been out for a drink together….. Maybe this is what you have done with somebody else….!!! I mean at least you can stick to your so called rule of not cheating eh?!
    Why get a house together??!!! I was lonely yes. But that’s not me being needy….you didn’t like the idea of me going out with Trevor and that lot as you would have thought I was having an affair so I didn’t do that. So I couldn’t win. COULD I?
    One time where we lived at the time… early days when I was in the demo home, there was a power cut… a few people came down to see if I was ok.. as I was on my own.. they had brought candles.. within half an hour half the park was there with candles and they had all brought their own glasses of wine….. you called that night and thought I was having a bloody party… needless to say the following day you were moody on the phone and we ended up falling out!!!! And yet again I had to call you…. !
    When I saw loads of messages from people wanting to be your fuck buddy…. you fell out with me!!! You went on about if I didn’t trust you and all sorts you were quite happy then for me to fuck off and die if I didn’t believe you…. you told me your so called mates had done it !!!! And they knew all your dates of birth and passwords….. I came crawling back to YOU!
    Compare the two????? Is that fair!??? CAN YOU NOT SEE IT!!!!!
    You will not take responsibility for what you have said and done as you do not even like me repeating it. I bring these FEW instances up because HOW DARE YOU AFTER TREATING ME LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT DARE YOU EVER SAY THAT I AM INSANE
    YOU HAVE CAUSED ALL THESE ARGUEMNTS. YOU HAVE MADE ME CRY WHEN I HAVE BEEN SO SHOCKED AT YOUR OUTBURSTS. YOU HAVE STOOD THERE AND GLARED AT ME WITH YOUR EVIL EYES AND JUST WALKED PAST ME WHEN I AM IN PAIN AND IN TEARS.
    IN ALL CASES IT HAS RESORTED IN ME ASKING YOU TO LEAVE. BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU HAVE SAID TO ME.
    You have tried to punish me by going quiet, for disappearing for hours on end, by not talking to me for days and I have crawled back to you…. thinking and hoping you would see the light and change….
    YOU and only YOU have created ALL these situations.
    I know now if you were to send a reply you would still only pick out the bits where I call you cruel or nasty….. You have a problem if you do not get it!
    And as per usual you iwll only see it as my fault as I switched my phone off…… that’s ALL I DID…. None of anything you have done…. you said you would call me at 10pm…. it got to well past 11 and I just could not understand why a little txt message saying call you in a bit babe, or can’t ring you tonight speak tomorrow would have done…. but NOTHING!!!!!!!!!! And I am sitting waiting for you to come back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Not even a sorry babe , sorry I couldn’t ring you, NEVER A SORRY IS THERE?!
    …. and as I go forward and carry on with my own little life I realise that the person living in the bubble is YOU.
    May you continue to drink away and live in your make believe world where everything wrong is somebody else’s fault.
    You suck up all the goodness, kindness and love from people who want to love you and you leave them empty, heartbroken and confused as to why somebody they loved treated them worse than a piece of dog shit.
    I left all the items of mine because they were all given when you didn’t actually give a shit about me really. The last few tops you brought back as gifts you never even gave them to me …you threw them at me.
    I loved you so much and wanted us to be together maybe you just do not like being a real relationship… I don’t know… you always run to the Hills doing a disappearing act, change your phone just to get away … not sure if you can take onboard what you have done! Or what you think I have done to you!! I just could not take anymore…
    I doubt very much the Betty Boop toilet bag was for you and I imagine you are doing the same immoral crap to somebody else… and as your ex once said to me Good Luck… I say the same to the next poor sod that happens to fall for your SHIT. As in a year’s time you will have argued and left more times than I will have taken Mimi out for walks and I will be happily over you, living in my own home with or without somebody …. in Europe somewhere, my choices are endless……but Happy… restful and not worried about when you maybe coming come home and what mood you will be in…. and comforted to know that I will just have some tranquillity for more than 2/3 days at a time and my family will be happy to see me looking healthy and happy and as gorgeous as I was before I met you.

    Mimi is my beautiful little dog . I can not have children. She is a small schichon pretty little dog only 6kg’s.
    My thoughts were to leave this but after hearing from my sister and her partner that you had said to them at Christmas ‘at least you got the sane one of the 3’ I felt you should know exactly why I left you. I was only 10 days out of hospital from acute appendicitus
    Firstly I will point out what the things you said I did wrong
    I never gave you enough attention
    Mimi got more attention than you
    I should not feed Mimi tit bits
    I should not put Mimi on my knee she is a dog and belongs on the floor.
    I would also like to point out at this stage that the biggest part of your problem is your head…. I have no reason to lie to you know we are not together…….. BUT I NEVER ONCE EVER CHEATED ON YOU. EVER. However to save some painful times for your next victim you might want to sort your head out and stop using this is an excuse as I believe your ex may well have been in the same boat as me whereby you convince yourself of something that isn’t true…. (generally the person accusing the person of doing the cheating is often the one who is)…. As it is not even something I would think about.
    You also believe I am a nightmare when drunk.
    Which is the biggest joke of all as the majority of hurtful nasty things you have said and done to me when you are knowingly drunk or secretively drunk pales my stress head into insignificance.
    You have called me a bitch, a hoar and a slag when accusing me of being with somebody else. Our neighbours hear d you … you were that nasty, cruel and aggressive they thought you were beating me up. I cried …. you would not calm down,,,, and all you could do was to carry on shouting… I know this because that night I purposely did not drink. Causing such a fuss I had no choice but to ask you to leave. That was after hours of you accusing me and shouting nonstop.
    That was YOUR FAULT. I had to ask you to leave. If I had done the same you would have done exactly the same thing.
    Another time you had been drinking
    We were in bed together one night and we started to have sex…. at which point you turned and said in an evil voice ‘every time we have sex I feel like I am raping you’ laughed and shrugged me away….!!
    What the hell would you have done if I had said something similar If I had said to you every time we have sex I feel like you are raping me ….? I hate to think!
    I have never said anything so horrific to you EVER
    The latest thing at our house was when you came back pissed , said you hadn’t been drinking and went and passed out on the bed, we were due to go out that evening for a nice meal and night….. however when I came to the door and asked if you were okay and did you want to go out, you turned round and said ‘get ere and suck my cock’, I said what? What are you talking about? And you carried on mumbling… I do not know who you thought you were talking to?
    You called me a dried u old spinster!
    What would you have done if I had gone out said I was only going to be half an hour.. came back 3 hours later pissed and rambled something like that to you?!
    I NEVER DID!
    Needless to say you insisted we go out only to not be spoken to the whole way there or back!
    This was after the night you had been out helping a mate do some removals said you would be back at tea time… then it was going to be 7ish and it ended up at 10pm…you then got pissed and sat in the chair that night whilst I was in bed saying you had picked the wrong sister….. (I won’t tell you what my sister and boyfriend think about that)
    I was upstairs in bits!!!!!!! How horrid!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would never EVEN THINK THAT LET ALONE SAY IT! .
    On one of our trips back to England (I had just had my appendix out… just 10 days after…. you started again about not having enough sex…. you blamed me for my ex husband leaving…. (he was sleeping with somebody else) not sleeping with me… it was the other way round… you went on and on about it calling me Princess Nikki and what does Princess Nikki want to do…. I tried talking to you… I ended up trying to shout at you…. I went and slept in the car… YOU MADE THAT HAPPEN… YOU KNOW YOU ARE SCARY WHEN YOU SHOUT… YOUR FAULT … I SLEPT IN THE CAR. YOUR DOING AGAIN! Who is the insane one? I ended up with flu on top of that.. I was so ill over Christmas and I had to force myself to go out one night because you had started sulking again… you went in a bad mood…
    YOU DID. YOU WENT IN THE MOOD … NOT ME
    Many times after you have created like this I have asked you to leave and stupid me does ask you back… I sort of feel sorry for you and wonder what the hell happened in your life to make you so mean….I try to text you… and I either get back
    FUCK OFF AND DIE or GOODBYE HAVE A GOOD LIFE
    Who is insane? The so called being in the forces (which I now do not believe )even if you had there are hundreds of men that have done the same and not ended up as nasty as you. My sister’s boyfiend who served in the army, for example has been there done it even been asked if he is a baby killer!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so that shit doesn’t add up.!
    You have thumped me in the face because I was trying so hard to get you to understand and believe me that I had not shagged some bloke … you still to this day won’t believe me…. I kept telling you and telling you as you were kicking off so badly… you thumped me in the face….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DID THAT!
    You then went on self destruct and drowned yourself in vodka … I came and got you as I thought you must have felt really bad about hitting ME!!! (yes I suppose I must be insane.) But I loved you and I didn’t want you to feel bad about what you had done!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Would that not prove anything to you?
    NO
    It goes on:-
    Mimi was very ill when we went away this last time …in fact it was a nightmare for all of us….. Mimi had gasturenturitus and NEEDED a vet….. she was being sick every 20 minutes 4 or 5 times and that went on all night and morning…. the vet said she would get dehydrated…. you said she was just like a human being not feeling too well and been sick and that she would get over it and that you had tummy ache aswell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She was desperately ill and would have needed to stay in hospital if I had not taken her back the second time…… what did you do… YOU WENT IN A MOOD. YOU DID NOT TALK TO ME ALL NIGHT. YOU SAT OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM ON YOUR LAPTOP ALL NIGHT. NOT ONCE DID YOU COME AND SEE IF WE WERE OK. THE NEXT MORNING YOU SAID WE ARE GOING
    YOU DID NOT TALK TO US THE WHOLE WAY HOME. YOU GOT IN THE HOUSE AND LAY ON THE SOFA ALL DAY WATCHING MOVIES.
    I am amazed at myself that I have kept running back to you as these are just a few things that have happened. I thought things would get better but they JUST GOT WORSE.
    We got a house together and you stay away more.. or longer… you think when I say I don’t like us being apart that I am being needy…… I DIDN’T NEED YOU … I just wanted us to be together like any normal couple. Just normal and happy. On the odd occasion you were lovely but as time goes by all these things you have said and done and the fact that you can only go 2 days of being nice just isn’t right for me to sit and wait for you to come home to get a barrage of shit.
    I cannot win. When I try to tell you how I feel you see me as being needy. Or you scream and shout at me and TELL ME I AM BEING horrid…. I AM TELLING YOU WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME… AND YES IT IS HORRID …. You need to take responsibility for what you say and do.
    If you hadn’t of wanted a relationship then why did you want to move in with me the day you split up with your ex … I know you didn’t because I said it was too early and that I did not want to be the reason for you two splitting up. It was my suggestion that you stay in one of the cabins…. I mean we had not even been out for a drink together….. Maybe this is what you have done with somebody else….!!! I mean at least you can stick to your so called rule of not cheating eh?!
    Why get a house together??!!! I was lonely yes. But that’s not me being needy….you didn’t like the idea of me going out with Trevor and that lot as you would have thought I was having an affair so I didn’t do that. So I couldn’t win. COULD I?
    One time where we lived at the time… early days when I was in the demo home, there was a power cut… a few people came down to see if I was ok.. as I was on my own.. they had brought candles.. within half an hour half the park was there with candles and they had all brought their own glasses of wine….. you called that night and thought I was having a bloody party… needless to say the following day you were moody on the phone and we ended up falling out!!!! And yet again I had to call you…. !
    When I saw loads of messages from people wanting to be your fuck buddy…. you fell out with me!!! You went on about if I didn’t trust you and all sorts you were quite happy then for me to fuck off and die if I didn’t believe you…. you told me your so called mates had done it !!!! And they knew all your dates of birth and passwords….. I came crawling back to YOU!
    Compare the two????? Is that fair!??? CAN YOU NOT SEE IT!!!!!
    You will not take responsibility for what you have said and done as you do not even like me repeating it. I bring these FEW instances up because HOW DARE YOU AFTER TREATING ME LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT DARE YOU EVER SAY THAT I AM INSANE
    YOU HAVE CAUSED ALL THESE ARGUEMNTS. YOU HAVE MADE ME CRY WHEN I HAVE BEEN SO SHOCKED AT YOUR OUTBURSTS. YOU HAVE STOOD THERE AND GLARED AT ME WITH YOUR EVIL EYES AND JUST WALKED PAST ME WHEN I AM IN PAIN AND IN TEARS.
    IN ALL CASES IT HAS RESORTED IN ME ASKING YOU TO LEAVE. BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU HAVE SAID TO ME.
    You have tried to punish me by going quiet, for disappearing for hours on end, by not talking to me for days and I have crawled back to you…. thinking and hoping you would see the light and change….
    YOU and only YOU have created ALL these situations.
    I know now if you were to send a reply you would still only pick out the bits where I call you cruel or nasty….. You have a problem if you do not get it!
    And as per usual you iwll only see it as my fault as I switched my phone off…… that’s ALL I DID…. None of anything you have done…. you said you would call me at 10pm…. it got to well past 11 and I just could not understand why a little txt message saying call you in a bit babe, or can’t ring you tonight speak tomorrow would have done…. but NOTHING!!!!!!!!!! And I am sitting waiting for you to come back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Not even a sorry babe , sorry I couldn’t ring you, NEVER A SORRY IS THERE?!
    …. and as I go forward and carry on with my own little life I realise that the person living in the bubble is YOU.
    May you continue to drink away and live in your make believe world where everything wrong is somebody else’s fault.
    You suck up all the goodness, kindness and love from people who want to love you and you leave them empty, heartbroken and confused as to why somebody they loved treated them worse than a piece of dog shit.
    I left all the items of mine because they were all given when you didn’t actually give a shit about me really. The last few tops you brought back as gifts you never even gave them to me …you threw them at me.
    I loved you so much and wanted us to be together maybe you just do not like being a real relationship… I don’t know… you always run to the Hills doing a disappearing act, change your phone just to get away … not sure if you can take onboard what you have done! Or what you think I have done to you!! I just could not take anymore…
    I doubt very much the Betty Boop toilet bag was for you and I imagine you are doing the same immoral crap to somebody else… and as your ex once said to me Good Luck… I say the same to the next poor sod that happens to fall for your SHIT. As in a year’s time you will have argued and left more times than I will have taken Mimi out for walks and I will be happily over you, living in my own home with or without somebody …. in Europe somewhere, my choices are endless……but Happy… restful and not worried about when you maybe coming come home and what mood you will be in…. and comforted to know that I will just have some tranquillity for more than 2/3 days at a time and my family will be happy to see me looking healthy and happy and as gorgeous as I was before I met you.

    Mimi is my beautiful little dog . I can not have children. She is a small schichon pretty little dog only 6kg’s.
    My thoughts were to leave this but after hearing from my sister and her partner that you had said to them at Christmas ‘at least you got the sane one of the 3’ I felt you should know exactly why I left you. I was only 10 days out of hospital from acute appendicitus
    Firstly I will point out what the things you said I did wrong
    I never gave you enough attention
    Mimi got more attention than you
    I should not feed Mimi tit bits
    I should not put Mimi on my knee she is a dog and belongs on the floor.
    I would also like to point out at this stage that the biggest part of your problem is your head…. I have no reason to lie to you know we are not together…….. BUT I NEVER ONCE EVER CHEATED ON YOU. EVER. However to save some painful times for your next victim you might want to sort your head out and stop using this is an excuse as I believe your ex may well have been in the same boat as me whereby you convince yourself of something that isn’t true…. (generally the person accusing the person of doing the cheating is often the one who is)…. As it is not even something I would think about.
    You also believe I am a nightmare when drunk.
    Which is the biggest joke of all as the majority of hurtful nasty things you have said and done to me when you are knowingly drunk or secretively drunk pales my stress head into insignificance.
    You have called me a bitch, a hoar and a slag when accusing me of being with somebody else. Our neighbours hear d you … you were that nasty, cruel and aggressive they thought you were beating me up. I cried …. you would not calm down,,,, and all you could do was to carry on shouting… I know this because that night I purposely did not drink. Causing such a fuss I had no choice but to ask you to leave. That was after hours of you accusing me and shouting nonstop.
    That was YOUR FAULT. I had to ask you to leave. If I had done the same you would have done exactly the same thing.
    Another time you had been drinking
    We were in bed together one night and we started to have sex…. at which point you turned and said in an evil voice ‘every time we have sex I feel like I am raping you’ laughed and shrugged me away….!!
    What the hell would you have done if I had said something similar If I had said to you every time we have sex I feel like you are raping me ….? I hate to think!
    I have never said anything so horrific to you EVER
    The latest thing at our house was when you came back pissed , said you hadn’t been drinking and went and passed out on the bed, we were due to go out that evening for a nice meal and night….. however when I came to the door and asked if you were okay and did you want to go out, you turned round and said ‘get ere and suck my cock’, I said what? What are you talking about? And you carried on mumbling… I do not know who you thought you were talking to?
    You called me a dried u old spinster!
    What would you have done if I had gone out said I was only going to be half an hour.. came back 3 hours later pissed and rambled something like that to you?!
    I NEVER DID!
    Needless to say you insisted we go out only to not be spoken to the whole way there or back!
    This was after the night you had been out helping a mate do some removals said you would be back at tea time… then it was going to be 7ish and it ended up at 10pm…you then got pissed and sat in the chair that night whilst I was in bed saying you had picked the wrong sister….. (I won’t tell you what my sister and boyfriend think about that)
    I was upstairs in bits!!!!!!! How horrid!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would never EVEN THINK THAT LET ALONE SAY IT! .
    On one of our trips back to England (I had just had my appendix out… just 10 days after…. you started again about not having enough sex…. you blamed me for my ex husband leaving…. (he was sleeping with somebody else) not sleeping with me… it was the other way round… you went on and on about it calling me Princess Nikki and what does Princess Nikki want to do…. I tried talking to you… I ended up trying to shout at you…. I went and slept in the car… YOU MADE THAT HAPPEN… YOU KNOW YOU ARE SCARY WHEN YOU SHOUT… YOUR FAULT … I SLEPT IN THE CAR. YOUR DOING AGAIN! Who is the insane one? I ended up with flu on top of that.. I was so ill over Christmas and I had to force myself to go out one night because you had started sulking again… you went in a bad mood…
    YOU DID. YOU WENT IN THE MOOD … NOT ME
    Many times after you have created like this I have asked you to leave and stupid me does ask you back… I sort of feel sorry for you and wonder what the hell happened in your life to make you so mean….I try to text you… and I either get back
    FUCK OFF AND DIE or GOODBYE HAVE A GOOD LIFE
    Who is insane? The so called being in the forces (which I now do not believe )even if you had there are hundreds of men that have done the same and not ended up as nasty as you. My sister’s boyfiend who served in the army, for example has been there done it even been asked if he is a baby killer!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so that shit doesn’t add up.!
    You have thumped me in the face because I was trying so hard to get you to understand and believe me that I had not shagged some bloke … you still to this day won’t believe me…. I kept telling you and telling you as you were kicking off so badly… you thumped me in the face….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DID THAT!
    You then went on self destruct and drowned yourself in vodka … I came and got you as I thought you must have felt really bad about hitting ME!!! (yes I suppose I must be insane.) But I loved you and I didn’t want you to feel bad about what you had done!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Would that not prove anything to you?
    NO
    It goes on:-
    Mimi was very ill when we went away this last time …in fact it was a nightmare for all of us….. Mimi had gasturenturitus and NEEDED a vet….. she was being sick every 20 minutes 4 or 5 times and that went on all night and morning…. the vet said she would get dehydrated…. you said she was just like a human being not feeling too well and been sick and that she would get over it and that you had tummy ache aswell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She was desperately ill and would have needed to stay in hospital if I had not taken her back the second time…… what did you do… YOU WENT IN A MOOD. YOU DID NOT TALK TO ME ALL NIGHT. YOU SAT OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM ON YOUR LAPTOP ALL NIGHT. NOT ONCE DID YOU COME AND SEE IF WE WERE OK. THE NEXT MORNING YOU SAID WE ARE GOING
    YOU DID NOT TALK TO US THE WHOLE WAY HOME. YOU GOT IN THE HOUSE AND LAY ON THE SOFA ALL DAY WATCHING MOVIES.
    I am amazed at myself that I have kept running back to you as these are just a few things that have happened. I thought things would get better but they JUST GOT WORSE.
    We got a house together and you stay away more.. or longer… you think when I say I don’t like us being apart that I am being needy…… I DIDN’T NEED YOU … I just wanted us to be together like any normal couple. Just normal and happy. On the odd occasion you were lovely but as time goes by all these things you have said and done and the fact that you can only go 2 days of being nice just isn’t right for me to sit and wait for you to come home to get a barrage of shit.
    I cannot win. When I try to tell you how I feel you see me as being needy. Or you scream and shout at me and TELL ME I AM BEING horrid…. I AM TELLING YOU WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME… AND YES IT IS HORRID …. You need to take responsibility for what you say and do.
    If you hadn’t of wanted a relationship then why did you want to move in with me the day you split up with your ex … I know you didn’t because I said it was too early and that I did not want to be the reason for you two splitting up. It was my suggestion that you stay in one of the cabins…. I mean we had not even been out for a drink together….. Maybe this is what you have done with somebody else….!!! I mean at least you can stick to your so called rule of not cheating eh?!
    Why get a house together??!!! I was lonely yes. But that’s not me being needy….you didn’t like the idea of me going out with Trevor and that lot as you would have thought I was having an affair so I didn’t do that. So I couldn’t win. COULD I?
    One time where we lived at the time… early days when I was in the demo home, there was a power cut… a few people came down to see if I was ok.. as I was on my own.. they had brought candles.. within half an hour half the park was there with candles and they had all brought their own glasses of wine….. you called that night and thought I was having a bloody party… needless to say the following day you were moody on the phone and we ended up falling out!!!! And yet again I had to call you…. !
    When I saw loads of messages from people wanting to be your fuck buddy…. you fell out with me!!! You went on about if I didn’t trust you and all sorts you were quite happy then for me to fuck off and die if I didn’t believe you…. you told me your so called mates had done it !!!! And they knew all your dates of birth and passwords….. I came crawling back to YOU!
    Compare the two????? Is that fair!??? CAN YOU NOT SEE IT!!!!!
    You will not take responsibility for what you have said and done as you do not even like me repeating it. I bring these FEW instances up because HOW DARE YOU AFTER TREATING ME LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT DARE YOU EVER SAY THAT I AM INSANE
    YOU HAVE CAUSED ALL THESE ARGUEMNTS. YOU HAVE MADE ME CRY WHEN I HAVE BEEN SO SHOCKED AT YOUR OUTBURSTS. YOU HAVE STOOD THERE AND GLARED AT ME WITH YOUR EVIL EYES AND JUST WALKED PAST ME WHEN I AM IN PAIN AND IN TEARS.
    IN ALL CASES IT HAS RESORTED IN ME ASKING YOU TO LEAVE. BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU HAVE SAID TO ME.
    You have tried to punish me by going quiet, for disappearing for hours on end, by not talking to me for days and I have crawled back to you…. thinking and hoping you would see the light and change….
    YOU and only YOU have created ALL these situations.
    I know now if you were to send a reply you would still only pick out the bits where I call you cruel or nasty….. You have a problem if you do not get it!
    And as per usual you iwll only see it as my fault as I switched my phone off…… that’s ALL I DID…. None of anything you have done…. you said you would call me at 10pm…. it got to well past 11 and I just could not understand why a little txt message saying call you in a bit babe, or can’t ring you tonight speak tomorrow would have done…. but NOTHING!!!!!!!!!! And I am sitting waiting for you to come back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Not even a sorry babe , sorry I couldn’t ring you, NEVER A SORRY IS THERE?!
    …. and as I go forward and carry on with my own little life I realise that the person living in the bubble is YOU.
    May you continue to drink away and live in your make believe world where everything wrong is somebody else’s fault.
    You suck up all the goodness, kindness and love from people who want to love you and you leave them empty, heartbroken and confused as to why somebody they loved treated them worse than a piece of dog shit.
    I left all the items of mine because they were all given when you didn’t actually give a shit about me really. The last few tops you brought back as gifts you never even gave them to me …you threw them at me.
    I loved you so much and wanted us to be together maybe you just do not like being a real relationship… I don’t know… you always run to the Hills doing a disappearing act, change your phone just to get away … not sure if you can take onboard what you have done! Or what you think I have done to you!! I just could not take anymore…
    I doubt very much the Betty Boop toilet bag was for you and I imagine you are doing the same immoral crap to somebody else… and as your ex once said to me Good Luck… I say the same to the next poor sod that happens to fall for your SHIT. As in a year’s time you will have argued and left more times than I will have taken Mimi out for walks and I will be happily over you, living in my own home with or without somebody …. in Europe somewhere, my choices are endless……but Happy… restful and not worried about when you maybe coming come home and what mood you will be in…. and comforted to know that I will just have some tranquillity for more than 2/3 days at a time and my family will be happy to see me looking healthy and happy and as gorgeous as I was before I met you.
    Mimi is my beautiful little dog . I can not have children. She is a small schichon pretty little dog only 6kg’s.
    My thoughts were to leave this but after hearing from my sister and her partner that you had said to them at Christmas ‘at least you got the sane one of the 3’ I felt you should know exactly why I left you. I was only 10 days out of hospital from acute appendicitus
    Firstly I will point out what the things you said I did wrong
    I never gave you enough attention
    Mimi got more attention than you
    I should not feed Mimi tit bits
    I should not put Mimi on my knee she is a dog and belongs on the floor.
    I would also like to point out at this stage that the biggest part of your problem is your head…. I have no reason to lie to you know we are not together…….. BUT I NEVER ONCE EVER CHEATED ON YOU. EVER. However to save some painful times for your next victim you might want to sort your head out and stop using this is an excuse as I believe your ex may well have been in the same boat as me whereby you convince yourself of something that isn’t true…. (generally the person accusing the person of doing the cheating is often the one who is)…. As it is not even something I would think about.
    You also believe I am a nightmare when drunk.
    Which is the biggest joke of all as the majority of hurtful nasty things you have said and done to me when you are knowingly drunk or secretively drunk pales my stress head into insignificance.
    You have called me a bitch, a hoar and a slag when accusing me of being with somebody else. Our neighbours hear d you … you were that nasty, cruel and aggressive they thought you were beating me up. I cried …. you would not calm down,,,, and all you could do was to carry on shouting… I know this because that night I purposely did not drink. Causing such a fuss I had no choice but to ask you to leave. That was after hours of you accusing me and shouting nonstop.
    That was YOUR FAULT. I had to ask you to leave. If I had done the same you would have done exactly the same thing.
    Another time you had been drinking
    We were in bed together one night and we started to have sex…. at which point you turned and said in an evil voice ‘every time we have sex I feel like I am raping you’ laughed and shrugged me away….!!
    What the hell would you have done if I had said something similar If I had said to you every time we have sex I feel like you are raping me ….? I hate to think!
    I have never said anything so horrific to you EVER
    The latest thing at our house was when you came back pissed , said you hadn’t been drinking and went and passed out on the bed, we were due to go out that evening for a nice meal and night….. however when I came to the door and asked if you were okay and did you want to go out, you turned round and said ‘get ere and suck my cock’, I said what? What are you talking about? And you carried on mumbling… I do not know who you thought you were talking to?
    You called me a dried u old spinster!
    What would you have done if I had gone out said I was only going to be half an hour.. came back 3 hours later pissed and rambled something like that to you?!
    I NEVER DID!
    Needless to say you insisted we go out only to not be spoken to the whole way there or back!
    This was after the night you had been out helping a mate do some removals said you would be back at tea time… then it was going to be 7ish and it ended up at 10pm…you then got pissed and sat in the chair that night whilst I was in bed saying you had picked the wrong sister….. (I won’t tell you what my sister and boyfriend think about that)
    I was upstairs in bits!!!!!!! How horrid!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would never EVEN THINK THAT LET ALONE SAY IT! .
    On one of our trips back to England (I had just had my appendix out… just 10 days after…. you started again about not having enough sex…. you blamed me for my ex husband leaving…. (he was sleeping with somebody else) not sleeping with me… it was the other way round… you went on and on about it calling me Princess Nikki and what does Princess Nikki want to do…. I tried talking to you… I ended up trying to shout at you…. I went and slept in the car… YOU MADE THAT HAPPEN… YOU KNOW YOU ARE SCARY WHEN YOU SHOUT… YOUR FAULT … I SLEPT IN THE CAR. YOUR DOING AGAIN! Who is the insane one? I ended up with flu on top of that.. I was so ill over Christmas and I had to force myself to go out one night because you had started sulking again… you went in a bad mood…
    YOU DID. YOU WENT IN THE MOOD … NOT ME
    Many times after you have created like this I have asked you to leave and stupid me does ask you back… I sort of feel sorry for you and wonder what the hell happened in your life to make you so mean….I try to text you… and I either get back
    FUCK OFF AND DIE or GOODBYE HAVE A GOOD LIFE
    Who is insane? The so called being in the forces (which I now do not believe )even if you had there are hundreds of men that have done the same and not ended up as nasty as you. My sister’s boyfiend who served in the army, for example has been there done it even been asked if he is a baby killer!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so that shit doesn’t add up.!
    You have thumped me in the face because I was trying so hard to get you to understand and believe me that I had not shagged some bloke … you still to this day won’t believe me…. I kept telling you and telling you as you were kicking off so badly… you thumped me in the face….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DID THAT!
    You then went on self destruct and drowned yourself in vodka … I came and got you as I thought you must have felt really bad about hitting ME!!! (yes I suppose I must be insane.) But I loved you and I didn’t want you to feel bad about what you had done!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Would that not prove anything to you?
    NO
    It goes on:-
    Mimi was very ill when we went away this last time …in fact it was a nightmare for all of us….. Mimi had gasturenturitus and NEEDED a vet….. she was being sick every 20 minutes 4 or 5 times and that went on all night and morning…. the vet said she would get dehydrated…. you said she was just like a human being not feeling too well and been sick and that she would get over it and that you had tummy ache aswell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She was desperately ill and would have needed to stay in hospital if I had not taken her back the second time…… what did you do… YOU WENT IN A MOOD. YOU DID NOT TALK TO ME ALL NIGHT. YOU SAT OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM ON YOUR LAPTOP ALL NIGHT. NOT ONCE DID YOU COME AND SEE IF WE WERE OK. THE NEXT MORNING YOU SAID WE ARE GOING
    YOU DID NOT TALK TO US THE WHOLE WAY HOME. YOU GOT IN THE HOUSE AND LAY ON THE SOFA ALL DAY WATCHING MOVIES.
    I am amazed at myself that I have kept running back to you as these are just a few things that have happened. I thought things would get better but they JUST GOT WORSE.
    We got a house together and you stay away more.. or longer… you think when I say I don’t like us being apart that I am being needy…… I DIDN’T NEED YOU … I just wanted us to be together like any normal couple. Just normal and happy. On the odd occasion you were lovely but as time goes by all these things you have said and done and the fact that you can only go 2 days of being nice just isn’t right for me to sit and wait for you to come home to get a barrage of shit.
    I cannot win. When I try to tell you how I feel you see me as being needy. Or you scream and shout at me and TELL ME I AM BEING horrid…. I AM TELLING YOU WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME… AND YES IT IS HORRID …. You need to take responsibility for what you say and do.
    If you hadn’t of wanted a relationship then why did you want to move in with me the day you split up with your ex … I know you didn’t because I said it was too early and that I did not want to be the reason for you two splitting up. It was my suggestion that you stay in one of the cabins…. I mean we had not even been out for a drink together….. Maybe this is what you have done with somebody else….!!! I mean at least you can stick to your so called rule of not cheating eh?!
    Why get a house together??!!! I was lonely yes. But that’s not me being needy….you didn’t like the idea of me going out with Trevor and that lot as you would have thought I was having an affair so I didn’t do that. So I couldn’t win. COULD I?
    One time where we lived at the time… early days when I was in the demo home, there was a power cut… a few people came down to see if I was ok.. as I was on my own.. they had brought candles.. within half an hour half the park was there with candles and they had all brought their own glasses of wine….. you called that night and thought I was having a bloody party… needless to say the following day you were moody on the phone and we ended up falling out!!!! And yet again I had to call you…. !
    When I saw loads of messages from people wanting to be your fuck buddy…. you fell out with me!!! You went on about if I didn’t trust you and all sorts you were quite happy then for me to fuck off and die if I didn’t believe you…. you told me your so called mates had done it !!!! And they knew all your dates of birth and passwords….. I came crawling back to YOU!
    Compare the two????? Is that fair!??? CAN YOU NOT SEE IT!!!!!
    You will not take responsibility for what you have said and done as you do not even like me repeating it. I bring these FEW instances up because HOW DARE YOU AFTER TREATING ME LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT DARE YOU EVER SAY THAT I AM INSANE
    YOU HAVE CAUSED ALL THESE ARGUEMNTS. YOU HAVE MADE ME CRY WHEN I HAVE BEEN SO SHOCKED AT YOUR OUTBURSTS. YOU HAVE STOOD THERE AND GLARED AT ME WITH YOUR EVIL EYES AND JUST WALKED PAST ME WHEN I AM IN PAIN AND IN TEARS.
    IN ALL CASES IT HAS RESORTED IN ME ASKING YOU TO LEAVE. BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU HAVE SAID TO ME.
    You have tried to punish me by going quiet, for disappearing for hours on end, by not talking to me for days and I have crawled back to you…. thinking and hoping you would see the light and change….
    YOU and only YOU have created ALL these situations.
    I know now if you were to send a reply you would still only pick out the bits where I call you cruel or nasty….. You have a problem if you do not get it!
    And as per usual you iwll only see it as my fault as I switched my phone off…… that’s ALL I DID…. None of anything you have done…. you said you would call me at 10pm…. it got to well past 11 and I just could not understand why a little txt message saying call you in a bit babe, or can’t ring you tonight speak tomorrow would have done…. but NOTHING!!!!!!!!!! And I am sitting waiting for you to come back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Not even a sorry babe , sorry I couldn’t ring you, NEVER A SORRY IS THERE?!
    …. and as I go forward and carry on with my own little life I realise that the person living in the bubble is YOU.
    May you continue to drink away and live in your make believe world where everything wrong is somebody else’s fault.
    You suck up all the goodness, kindness and love from people who want to love you and you leave them empty, heartbroken and confused as to why somebody they loved treated them worse than a piece of dog shit.
    I left all the items of mine because they were all given when you didn’t actually give a shit about me really. The last few tops you brought back as gifts you never even gave them to me …you threw them at me.
    I loved you so much and wanted us to be together maybe you just do not like being a real relationship… I don’t know… you always run to the Hills doing a disappearing act, change your phone just to get away … not sure if you can take onboard what you have done! Or what you think I have done to you!! I just could not take anymore…
    I doubt very much the Betty Boop toilet bag was for you and I imagine you are doing the same immoral crap to somebody else… and as your ex once said to me Good Luck… I say the same to the next poor sod that happens to fall for your SHIT. As in a year’s time you will have argued and left more times than I will have taken Mimi out for walks and I will be happily over you, living in my own home with or without somebody …. in Europe somewhere, my choices are endless……but Happy… restful and not worried about when you maybe coming come home and what mood you will be in…. and comforted to know that I will just have some tranquillity for more than 2/3 days at a time and my family will be happy to see me looking healthy and happy and as gorgeous as I was before I met you.
    I read this and I still can not believe I was with a N. and yet I read all the painfull emails from everybody and feel so sick that people are going through it… Soooo confused.

  35. Thank you for this.

    My spouse was diagnosed with NPD last year. The past eight years, he’s been calling me his ex but every time I file for a divorce or separation there has always been some reason for me to stay to help him (he’ll lose his job, he’ll file a lawsuit, or money will go missing or I’ll lose access to it, he’ll file bankruptcy, his father is sick….something). I filed for a divorce this year because I learned that he had put his sister up to stalking me for the past 22 years. The stalking has cost my business. The smear campaign has hurt my reputation.

    It’s been bad. We signed the separation agreement last week but he’s finding every excuse to put the divorce off into next year (the latest excuse is it will save him money on taxes). He refuses to honor the agreement. He doesn’t want to move out of the house (despite the agreement). Worse, he thinks we will get remarried once the divorce is final.

    The day before we signed the agreement, he entered into therapy for the third time. In the past, he’d quit only to pretend to be going. He’s sending me sexually suggestive emails. He claims to want me (for the first time in years). He swears up and down that he’s changing. It is confusing.

    This post made me realize that he isn’t changing. There are moments when he’ll tantrum, especially if I try to install measures to protect myself from the stalking. He’ll fly into a childish rage, threaten to quit therapy, and tell me how he helped his sister stalk me (e.g. mailing her a key to the house, putting the GPS box on my car, calling her to tell her when I was meeting male colleagues for lunch). Then he’ll say he was joking.

    I guess the point is that things are bad and you gave me much needed clarity here. He’s not serious about changing if he’s still raging and lying to me.

    Thank you.

  36. I want to thank Melanie Tonia Evans for being a critical part of my healing from my NPD ex husband and ex boyfriend. I feel tons better after about 6 weeks of intense self care, honest self reflection, and meditation. I am still a work in progress, but I now know after accepting the reality of what really happened to me and that mine stemmed from past childhood hurts (narcissistic father). Week by week I began to hurt less and less. I stopped drinking alcohol and set realistic spiritual and personal goals for myself. I have already started a few. My kids are also better. Knowledge is power. I thank God for everything I’ve learned through both books and all the newsletters!

  37. I am always amazed at the similarities and the lengths the N will go to! I just received an email from my N ( three weeks after the most cruel discard imaginable) saying he missed me and wants to hold me and cry and cry with me. NO apologies or remorse…I have actually left town for a month because the smear campaign was so awful..but he makes no mention of any of that. I actually found myself wavering and wanting to reply….I quickly re-read this check list to help keep up my resolve.I have only been out of this relationship a few weeks and have filed for divorce even though I still feel as though I love him with my whole heart. I am devastated and still in shock at his betrayals ( which he adamantly denies). I am so grateful for this resource and support as I try to find solid ground and regain my life.

  38. I’m curious, after reading your post (which is GREAT btw), regarding “Six Steps to Finding Out If This Person is Capable of Accountability and Remorse”, isn’t it true that if your partner…or better yet, your soon to be ex, is a true narcissist, that these 6 steps would be meaningless, and that they would be incapable of attaining any of these 6 steps? Just throwing my 2 cents in there…having now been divorced to what is in my opinion, a full blown narcissist for 4 yrs, thankfully.

    1. Hi Kurt,

      there are narcissists who can do a good job at feigning the above, and being accountable. The difference between them and non-personality disordered people is that it will NOT hold.

      And the next bout of atrocious behaviour escalates when the mask cracks again.

      That is great that you have divorced and got clear.

      Mel xo

      1. Melanie,
        Thank you SO much for replying. My ex must be in the personality disordered. The mask cracks has shown themselves again, and yet I truly feel as though I have NOT gotten clear yet because I am co-parenting a 10 yr old with this person. I have my work cut out for me. And speaking of being accountable, in my personal experience, my ex went to one counseling session while we were still married, and refused to go back, because in retrospect, she was unable to manipulate that particular counselor. This only occurred to me months later….Thanks again and appreciate your posts and site. It helps me greatly to read and re-read on this subject tmatter.

  39. I was free from my narcissist the summer of2012, in sept. Of 2012, he made his curtain call and I went back? Melanie is so right, it ended very ugly and worst then ever before. Apparently, his new girl friend was moving in, she lives in a different state, yet he neglected to tell me, I just spent 3 weeks on vacation with him, Dec 2013. 5 days later he is with her, and blipped off the planet for a week. I knew, so went into his email and saw it all.
    I emailed the woman, who had no clue about me. When she confronted him, he tell her I had to be sure, But I love you! She was moving in thought she was the winner.
    I decided to get myself checked out by a doctor, Yes, you guess it, STD. not a good picture, told the girl, but not sure what she decided.
    God saved me, I tried to save her. I did my civic duty.
    Going to therapy, to release my anger and rebuild my life.
    There will never be another curtain call.

  40. I am in a quandry. My husband seems to have quite a few narcissistic traits, but it’s been very subtle and manageable, though I have found I have to dodge certain issues and not bring up others. Usually I am told that I am too sensitive or misreading his body language. I dont think he is a pathilogical liar, and he is “the family man ” personified. He helps out at home with our teo kids, one of whom is disabled all of the time. In fact his whole life is work and home. He doesnt really have any friends other than the occasional lunch with a coworker. He has a lot of ocd ish behavior, systems of how to do chores, where things go, etc. He xoesnt call me names or anything, but he is obviously frustrated when the cabinets or the fridge have things in places he doesnt want them in, and every day or so, he will mumble under his breath while shuffling things around. When I told him it felt like nitpicking, he told me that I dont call him out on stuff enouh. So rather than lightening up on me, he wanted me to come down hard on him. But other than really small, non threatening issues,I really cant. He doesnt have too many grandiose ideas. Hed like to be an author of a book, but he hasnt gotten very far in the past. He also used to want to open a beef stand or invent something. But he doesnt talk much about how great he is or about big dreams. These were brief mentions in the past. He thinks everyone has ulterior motives and favors must be done in kind. If someone gives something to him, you have to give something of equal value back, even if its family or friends. He has a set of standards that he thinks everyonr should follow, thouh he wont necessarily tell you you HAVE to follow them. It is what “he would do”. However he does have a aura of superiority and “better thought processes ” and will often ask me if Ive thought something through. He dotes on the girls, takes care of them, takes over so I can get some rest. However every time I want to go somewhere slightly far away or overnight, I get told no. This last time, I spent months to plan for a five day trip to attend a training to help my autistic daughter. When I put my foot down and said that I was going, he threatened that I would come back to a completely different marriage, and the next day told me that he thought I need to attend counseling because I reacted angrily Nd he had never seen “that person ” before. Oh and that we WOULD need counseling after I got myself together (assuming because I was the one with a problem). Oh and recommended that Ifind someone who can prescribe meds. When I finally backed down because I was having panic attacks, he told me how that was the right thing to do and how he would then go to counseling with me. Also wanted to give me a hug. He has since noticed that I am not so warm and interactive with him, and he has been more warm and loving again. I know that that was abusive, but I dont know if he is just a control freak or a narc. He does bring up things which I dont remember doing, but they are things that could have been just a miscommunication, especially since I AM ADD. I also tend to back down on things which might be taken as acquiesing to something he wants. Nothing he says I have agreed to is anything outside the realm of possibility, so I cant say for sure hes gaslighting me. And 95% of the time, things are fine. But he givea a lot of “advice” whether you want it or not and questions how you’ve thought things theough properly. He’s got enough symptoms but not enough to make me say that he is a narc. Can anyone help me? He’s always asking if I need a break from the girls, he plays with them and seems to guess what my nonverbal child might be feeling. So he cuts hwr shirt tags cause they might be scratchy or he’ll stretch hwr shirt sleeves because they might be too tight. So this looks like empathy. However I also see that oftentimes he assumes what they are feeling is what HE would feel. So is this being helpful and empathetic eor is it projection? Also, if I forget to attend to someof these things including spraying her nose when shes congested, he gets very mad at me and levtures me, so I lie sometimes and make a mental note to not forget nwxt time. Right now, my kids are young, so maybe it is harder to tekl at this age? Is it possible for a narc to be the perfect martyr without saying he is a martyr? He doesnt throw anything in my face about what he does, and lots of times he appears loving and considerate. If he was a full blown narc like other storiez here, it would be easier to see. But he is quiet and very controlled, not the outburst type of guy. But he is suspicious and does everyhing the right way. There are times when he accepts that he waswrong or that he nade an error. But these are minor things. He also is acknowledging his body aging, but doesnt seem too upset by it. Ack! I just dont know what to do, and I have kids, one of whom has two diagnoses and needs constant care. I have no job and no family to live with. How do I do this? I went to a domestic violence session and have a few more to go. Bht if its a narc I am dealing with, I need to make permanent plans, not temporary. And I have to play clueless until I can go. If he is “just” a contolling person, then maybe a temp place with an ultimatum would be ok. Gosh! So hard too when they are only “a little controlling”. I am not restricted frim my friends UNTIL we have a blowout, and then U cant air private business. Sigh!

  41. By the way, I just reread what I wrote. Gosh, was THAT rambling! I had a hard time reading it myself. Hope you all were able to understand it and not have a headache afterwards! That and the typos galore!

  42. Hi,
    I am writing this as a completely shattered, hollowed out, zombified corpse of man. Before I met my N, I was in the best physical, mental, and spiritual shape of my life. And while I don’t blame her for my weak boundaries, I now see and understand how her NPD-tatics convinced me to give up some of the dearest things / activities I loved. I now feel empowered, and can understand why every loving, compassionate, and forgiving action I showed her was never met with reciprocation.

    My story (brief version):

    In 2008, our relationship started off purely as friends bonding over a common experience – we were both going through a divorce. We bonded quickly and furiously. It wasn’t after a few months that we started to become physically intimate. A few weeks later, and she demanded we live together. She even used the tactic, “If you love me, then you should be wiling to move-in with me.”

    Once she was in my life on a more permanent basis, the real abuse began. Of course, I chalked it up as “relationship problems”, and did the best I could to work things out with her in a civil manner. Over time, her compassionate veneer that baited me wore off, and what was underneath was the exact opposite of what she portrayed during our friendship.

    But did I wise up and leave? No, because I was convinced through her words that we were “soul mates” and in the wake of my recent divorce, I desperately sought companionship on a more permanent level. It seemed she was the answer to my prayers.

    We married in 2011. And then her abuse really kicked into high gear. She accused me of “crushing her dreams of family” when I took classes to pursue medical school…in spite of my actions to show her that I would be willing to entertain the school-family balance. She insulted my parents. She insulted my family. She raped every part of me…physically, mentally, and emotionally.

    In February of 2013, she told me she kissed another man. I was shocked, numb, and heart-broken. I was never the perfect husband, but I tried to be her companion/friend in all things. This should have taken the cake and I should have left, but I didn’t. When I asked to make a choice, she “chose” me. Later I would find out that she slept with him the day after Valentine’s day (the anniversary of our engagement), and then went with him on a week-long romp in the beginning of March.

    Through divine intervention, I found about this affair before she came home. It was if the LORD told me, “Ambar, she is cheating on you with him. Leave her NOW!”

    Did I listen? NOPE. I stayed for another year…all the while enduring more abuse, accepting the blame that her affair was my fault, feeling more and more rejected each and every time I reached out to her for compassion, empathy, remorse, acknowledgement, and reconciliation of the pain – not only in me, but between us.

    Finally, it took another form of divine intervention, my Dad, to help me break away from this person. He convinced me to file for divorce on 4/4/2014.

    And so now I am waiting, albeit patiently, for the divorce to be finalized. On 6/4/2014, I will breathe again, once more as a free man…no longer tied to an incarnate of Lilith (a demon in Judeo-Christian theology).

    I say all of that to say this: Melanie, your website, information, research, videos, E-books, audiobooks, and even this blog have been nothing short of providence. I literally ran across your website by accident a week ago, and listen to your audiobooks whenever I feel a moment of weakness coming on.

    I must say first THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! The level of peace and understanding I gain from reading your articles not only empowers me, it provides me with a much needed sense of acknowledgement and relief that I had sought from my ex-N.

    You are 100% spot-on with capturing the entire hellish experience – from the bliss, to the slow descent into madness, and then into the overwhelming despair that comes with realizing you have entered into an existence racked with pain, doubt, anxiety, depression, and loneliness.

    At this point, I am in the withdrawal phase of my NPD abuse. I am numb, but yet can feel pain everywhere. There are days where I cry in anguish to God to have mercy on me and end my life. There are days where the feeling of freedom washes over me, and I feel the empowerment of me leaving. And there are still other days where I experience complete and utter self-doubt…did I do the right thing? What if the demise of the relationship was really all my fault? What if she was right about me – that I am a loser and incapable of having a enduring relationship.

    And yet, through all of this…and this is my point…Melanie’s words are like a life-raft in a hurricane…akin to Tom Hanks in the movie “Cast Away”.

    So to all those that are new to this struggle, or are in between rocks-and-hard places, be courageous, and do not be ashamed of your position, whatever it may be.

    As it is said by Solomon, “This too shall pass.” And then finally in the book of Joshua 1:9 “Be strong and courageous, and know that God is with you.”

    Love is the strongest force in the Universe, and so Melanie, thank you for providing a loving, safe environment where wounded souls can come and find rest, restoration, and courage to face another day. The love and intention you put into your healings is real, genuine, not inappropriate, and effective.

    Thank you so, so much.

    Thank you to all everyone else for reading this.
    Ambar

    1. Some years have passed….. but your words spoke to me that my eyes teared up. To not be ashamed of your position. and This too shall pass. I feel like I am on a life raft in a hurricane.

  43. Hi everyone ,

    Have just realised tonight my husband of 7 years is a N… I actually thought he was a psycopath until I found this site . …. i asked him to leave 8 weeks ago , which after 3 days he did . BUT in the last 8 weeks I have had THE most awful abuse , threats , death threats , he has called every friend of mine and distorted what they say . Am at my wits end to be honest . I have cut myself off from all friends except 2 , as the betrayal I feel from them is horrific , but i know deep down it is him, cunning , calculating and evil . We have every gate to our property with chains and locks on them . I have had phones changed and trackers taken off the vehicles as he seems to always know where I am going . He is NOT a pleasant individual , and is extremely capable of anything .Yet is so bloody charming and fabulous to anyone new meeting him . I am strong , well I think I am , so will not be going back . This feeling in the beginning is awful though . And is it wrong that I almost get a feeling of excitement when i get a text or email ….I not sure if it is excitement of nerves ………. I have given up my hobby which took up a huge part of my life , as he ruined it and started throwing it in my face , even though he bought everything and supported it at the beginning . So I now have huge anguish and upset as I am now selling my beautiful , fabulous horses , as I have no enthusiasm anymore …..I dont really know where I am going with this but just felt the need to write something

  44. Melanie,

    I thank you and other professionals that have taken on this difficult subject. I have been researching this for the last couple of weeks and I think that this article handled the subject even better than most. For the people out there like myself it is vital to be able to go to these tools to be able to grasp ahold of the truth and to try and do everything in our power to start implementing our own recovery!. This is excruciatingly difficult journey! I know for myself that although I started my marriage out at a young age and probably had some co-dependency issues I was much stronger with my boundaries 36 years ago then I am today. It’s as if living with my N/x husband spun deeper and deeper into the “drug” of co-dependency until I didn’t even recognize myself. After 35 years of his serial cheating, his violent temper, his manipulation and apologies I finally had the strength to leave him and I filed for divorce without even giving him anytime to try and manipulate me once again. Once I took that step for me there was no backing out and no amount of his tears or begging worked on me.
    After a year of trying to get healthy and strong, I was so very lonely and started dating. Only to find myself with someone that as far as the controlling aspect of it may be even worse! After 3 months of my “NOT” being able to put down boundaries I started researching why I can’t say no, why am I so afraid of making “ripples” in a new relationship that obviously is another one that will only bring me pain.
    I believe the N is so good in the beginning of zeroing in on your needs and giving you the affirmation or whatever it is that you need only to pull it away to try and control. Or they just can’t maintain it being about anyone else but them for any substantial amount of time. Anyways, I put my big girl panties on and as scared and hesitant as I was gave him a couple big boundaries the other day. I am now getting the silent treatment and although at times I second guess myself, I know I have to be strong and see how this plays out. If it’s over its over and probably for the best. The key for me will be to do as your article said and find the healthier, happier me, To learn to make it about my needs and desires and not a 200% focus on the other person and what I need to give them. It’s going to be a hard journey but for the first time I think I’m worth it.

    PS: Sorry this is so long,

  45. Dude, you should have left after you caught her cheating the first time around. I woman cheating on a man is a graver offense than the other way around. It’s the equivalent of a man physically abusing a woman to the point of breaking her bones. It’s a complete disregard for the other partners safety in a relationship for either one to occur and there should be zero tolerance for either.

  46. Hey, Friends, it’s really sad and touching what we go though this days in our relationship. I have been in relationships affected by pains and depression for years, both sides (I was depressed, but thanks to God, am now a happy woman today with the help of someone). It’s sad to say, but I have lots of experiences on this subject. If you’re interested, I’d share them with you, so that you can forever be happy in your relationship and be happy with the person you love. You can write to my email address: [email protected] , hope you’re holding up!

    Keisha

  47. Melanie writes:

    I promise you, it is true that individuals who have displayed narcissistic behaviour, have had their near death experience (wake up call), sought out consistent and powerful therapy and addressed their inner toxic issues causing their narcissistic behaviour, and changed their life enough to become healthy, supportive ….

    This healing process Melanie writes about is talked about in Alice Miller’s book Drama of the Gifted Child. However, I think people with full blown NPD have a deeply addictive maladaptive approach to life which is probably only cured through divine intervention (like a genuine near death experience) or something of that magnitude.

    The reason why we fall in love with narcissistic personality people is because we sense they are suffering and feel for them. I think the love we feel for them will be appreciated by the EVENTUALLY, just likely not in this lifetime (or not on this earthly plane).

  48. I really need help here because I am desperate. I started going to a therapist and she is the one that told me that my ex boyfriend was a narcissist. What I am having trouble with is, maybe I misrepresented him and if that is the case, then, am I the narcissist?

    We broke up in mid-july because, as he put it, “I wasn’t ready.” I was basically too fat and my weight loss program was not working fast enough, I didn’t wear short dresses all the time, I couldn’t afford new lingerie for our role playing etc. When he broke up with me, he insisted that he was not going to see anyone else and that he would be, “there to un-wrap me” when I got to my goal weight. He then proceeded to tell me that the people at his work didn’t understand why he was with me and they found someone who was a better fit for him, an ex cheerleader who works out four days a week, and then he showed me her facebook photos.

    He insisted that he was not going to date her and that we just needed space so I could, “work on” me. We were basically friends with benefits for the next two months when he told me that her dad was in rehab and that she needed him but after the 30 days was over, he would dump here and we would get back together. In that month he told me that he loved me and that I was the most important person in his life and that he didn’t want to lose me and that we were soul mates.

    After the 30 days was up, he was still seeing her and me. I told him it was either me or her and then he said, “I chose no one. All of you just leave me alone.” a couple weeks later I initiated no contact. He left voicemails saying that I was “launching a slanderous campaign” against him and that he didn’t even want to be friends with me anymore and that I drove him closer to the new girl and that he didn’t know me anymore and he didn’t know why he wasted so much time with me but then at the end of the voicemail he would say that if I valued our relationship/friendship, I would stop ignoring him and call him. The new girl and her friends are stalking my Facebook and my pinterest now and that is definitely freaking me out. I know that he is too, but he is much more inconspicuous than they are.

    It has been ten days of no contact and he has not contacted me in seven. I messed up and peeked at his facebook today and he has a picture of her and him all happy together but he changed his cover photo to a picture taken on of one of our adventures together. That really messed me up.

    I really really miss him. I guess my questions are: Is he really a narcissist? Did I mess the relationship up? Is he ever going to contact me again? Is there a chance that I could fix it and he would come back to me? Is he really happy with her? Am I bat-chit crazy?

    I know that some of you are saying that it doesn’t matter whether he is one or not, but I feel like I really need to know. Because if he is not, I am the one that destroyed this relationship and I am the crazy one and I need to make changes in my life to avoid making this mistake of destroying my relationship up, again or I will be extremely lonely and unhappy for the rest of my life. This whole situation has put my life on hold and is slowly dismantling my life piece by piece. I feel desperate and hopeless.

  49. Is there a place on the website, or a particular post which deals with specific difficulties letting go if the narcissist is your mother

    Thank you for the site and this post. It has opened my eyes to the fact that continuing to accept N’s in my life means that I am abusing myself. Also, that speaking and living my truth is critical.

    Teresa

  50. Hi after reading all these comments I wanted to share a little of my story

    I now believe I was with an N for 10 years I met him very young 16 and he was 25 I moved out of home to Wat I thought would be a loving caring relationship because that’s Wat he promised I was young but that is no excuse.
    I became the ultimate house slave cooking cleaning looking after him all while still going to school i eventually stopped school as per his request.

    To cut it a bit short 10 years later and 4 kids under 8 after numerous times of leaving and him convincing me to go back with the ‘I love you’ ‘I can’t live without you’ ‘I promise we will do more things together’ all those promises and even attempts at his life which he never intended on going through with I later found out….so I finally left I said NO MORE 3 years later I’m still going to court with him over the children but his doing it only to hurt me he has no remorse no feelings and doesn’t care if the children get hurt as long as he is affecting me and hurting me and he knows the way to get straight to my core is through my kids and it’s working very well…..
    I started searching for ways to help myself through his crap and lies and deceit and coming across these articles and everything that I have read so far I’m finally thinking positive I was on my way to a break down and I think I’ve found this just in time I’m hoping if I follow the steps that I can heal and I can finally have inner peace in my self and not give the N any fuel for the fire it’s going to be a tough road but one I am willing to do for myself my children and my new husband and baby this has got to stop and it starts with ME!!!!!!!!

    THANK YOU MEL xx

  51. Melanie, thank you so much for your wisdom, knowledge, passion, love, and insight for wanting to help others from your own personal journey.
    I’m a 45 year old successful man than ended up with a mid 20’s Narc. In all of my life, I’d never met or been around someone that was so ruthless and mean. I went through 3.5 years of total hell before I told anyone what was going on! I was a “shell” of a man until I started researching and trying to figure out what the heck was wrong with our relationship. On Jan 10,2015 I called 911 because she physically attacked me and to this day says she didn’t do anything wrong. I moved out at that moment as well. The day before Good Friday, I took all of the paperwork to my lawyer for filing a Divorce next week!
    I stand to lose a lot in the divorce, but I will bounce back stronger than ever because of God’s grace and my will to be a good person.
    One thing that is not talked about much with a Narcissist is a “Christian” Narc! I am a Christian but once I figured her out, I did not go to the same church as her. I could not be near her! Felt like I was standing/sitting next to the devil! She babysat for the Pastor and his wife, another one of the Elders, and received counseling from another one of the older ladies in the church. “I” was the evil one. The Smear campaigns have shed a new light on me and my faith! God knows the truth and that’s all that matters to me!
    I really deeply feel for everyone that is going through the hardship that you are! You can persevere!
    Thanks again for the gift of knowledge that you have made available to others like myself! Much respect and admiration!
    Les

  52. I cannot tell if I my “husband” has bi-polar or is a narcissist. He’s never abused me, he’s not mean to me, he is very self centered, very self absorbed, definitely has manics, domineering. We’ve been married 10 years with 2 kids. Apparently over the past year, he had been unhappy with our marriage. He did tell me that he was unhappy, and in all honesty, I really didn’t know the severity of his unhappiness or really even what to do about it. We’ve been separated since May 2014, and had been going to marriage counseling this whole time. Progress was very slow moving. After all the holiday festivities, he decided he was done and wanted a divorce, which is fine. I can respect that decision. I told him I didn’t want to divorce but that I’d respect his wishes, and so we are in the divorce process. Throughout this time, he kept telling me he kept telling me that he wasn’t against reconciling. I knew he had cheated, and I was just waiting for him to man up and tell me the truth and make things right so that we could try to rebuild trust. This past week, he finally had the courage to answer all the many questions I had about his infidelity. A lot of it wasn’t shocking. He is not an emotional person. He has no emotional attachment to the girls he slept with; guess they served their purpose and he has moved on. In the counseling session, he was clear to say that he doesn’t see it as a betrayal of trust because we were separated. He made that conscious decision to cheat. He knows he’s hurt me, but he feels no remorse. He has no empathy. I feel like I should clearly be walking away once and for all from this man, but I do have a lot of empathy, and none of this makes sense to me. Why go and cheat, go to counseling, serve me with divorce papers, and then keep going to counseling, tell me the truth I was owed? He has hardly “fought” for me in any way. Why can’t I let go?

  53. Hi Melanie. I watched your webinar last night and didnt find a place to send/post my thanks. Really great stuff!!! I have been around people who display the abusive type of narcissism on and off for a long time [very long]. I began doing a lot of ‘self’ work over the past few years and have found the . . . well . .. weak links in myself [i like to call it this] . . that make me a perfect target for the abusive narc. [i have been ‘used’ a lot . . . ] Since this propensity is so ‘deeply’ ingrained {going back to parents and sibling} I know I am going to have to keep coming back to this stuff . . . So, I found your link two days ago . .. . just by chance and it was perfect timing:) As I was listening and doing some of the ‘unblockage’ exercises . . . I was able to feel . . . to discover something that is just so obvious . .. but . . . for some reason . .. too latent . .. the very parts I like about myself the most {lol} are the aspects that allow for the intrusive narc abuser to encroach . .. and it is a kind of encroachment, parasitic in fact [although the abuser obviously sees it as a deigning of sorts]. But suddenly the horizon opens up and well, one, I am able to see how one doenst need to dispense with these lovely, kind, tolerant, facets but just needs to rachet up, call into play other facets that everyone has . . . but one just thinks they dont have and dont really know how to use [Im talking bout boundaries and I’m talking about ‘no.’]. So it’s kind of a pivoting. What seemed like mutually exclusive things/facets/ aspects of oneself suddenly fuse into a much bigger healthier hole. anyway. that was the feeling I got. from the meditating session . . . So thank you for the webinar/course . . . I will keep coming back to this stuff . .. i know i have to . .. patterns, the pernicious ones, are so hard to break/clear. Thanks again for your help! Maria

  54. (How i got my husband back with the prayers of Dr Akim )I remember lying in my room when I was in high school and writing in a journal to my future husband. I’d write all sorts of notes and questions and things I’d wonder or ask this man when I eventually met him. I would wonder where he was and what he was doing and if he was thinking about me too. It has always been such a strong desire in my heart to find a wonderful man to marry, someone who would love me and cherish me and appreciate me for the person I am. I always thought I would get married right out of college, just like my parents, so when that plan didn’t work out, I started to get discouraged. A school mate snatched my future husband away from my arms just because she had spiritual powers, all hope was lost to me before i came across the help doctor ([email protected]) who i confided in, i told him my long story and he helped me regain back my lover with his prayers which is now my husband today. if you have any problem email the help doctor ([email protected]).

  55. My lover left me in 2 years ago. he did not contact me, wouldn’t answer my calls and emails, During this period I contacted many casters without results. . But I never lost hope until i got to meet this powerful caster ROBINSONBUCKLER@ (yahoo). com and he did the most wonderful spell for me and after 3 days everything changed, my lover came back, his love spell works fast even in the most complex circumstances, I am recommending his love spell to every couple who wants to get back together, I can say Mr Robinson possessed all the qualities you want if you want to get your lover back, it was like a dream to me, he will solve your relationship problem

  56. 20 years – therapy – attempts to leave – always drawn back by a new seemingly fresh and raw set of revelations, a new program, therapist, workbook. Maximum truth telling time is 3 months – though it’s always taken years to reveal past lies. With all I know now, I could map out a calendar, timeline, of lies, that extend years (through therapy wherein he was promising to be honest)… there is no point on the timeline where there wasn’t a lie, or twenty, underway. But I never knew until much later. (Eg recently revealed an STD in 2008 – is now 2015 – so I can’t “do” anything – but horrible to think back to that time – when he’d just again promised with therapist he was telling all truths… and I was gain giving my all). Now, I’m just living as a mom and housemate, setting the best boundaries I can (with support of therapist), but he does everything to appear needy whenever I set a boundary. A year from now I know it will be revealed how he’s manipulating to draw me in then say “ha, I win.” I think he hates women (doesn’t trust his mother btw, but acts nice to her). When I set boundaries he acts like a puppy dog to draw me in. Also does this with any woman he can, esp those at work (admitted, factual). This year he was working on his lies and manipulations with a therapist… who also meets with me/us periodically… and I learn when I meet with that therapist that my spouse is working on simply somehow winning his own little fictional game of “look like the winner to the therapist” vs. deal with the real issues. Eg He told the therapist one weekend I was “just in a bad mood and he had to put up with it” and suggested I had a mood disorder. HE DID NOT TELL THE THERAPIST that I had openly and verbally stated I was setting boundaries in how much time I was going to spend with him that weekend because he had arranged business dealings with someone he’d maintained a crush on for 7 years, and the situation ended up forcing me to be on phone with her discussing my personal finances. He kept re-hiring her on purpose (loves triangulation – always has a crush girl on the side – but only tells me when he’s moving away from her, to another). I had had to speak to a recent crush he kept re-hiring to do work for him. I set boundaries by simply letting him know how hard it was for me to have to meet with his multi-year-rehired crush. (he grooms ladies who need him from a business sense). But he tells therapist “She was in a bad mood, again.” That’s all he says. No explanation on how despite years of therapy and him saying he was eliminating all crushes, and would never invite one into his life, he kept re-hiring her even after moving to difft employers. But he never tells the therapist his role, or that I was healthfully setting boundaries and stating it clearly. He’s been talking with therapist weekly, saying he’s working on himself, but evidently he’s essentially trying to ensure the therapist thinks he’s just a great guy, as in his mind he somehow wins? What – a bad fake marriage? He has no actually empathy but is a smart business person and fakes it insanely well. I have replayed so many conversations where I think it’s possible his post-therapy showing of love was just his sense of victory that the therapist made me “swallow” his lies.
    Why is he in this relationship with me when I’m the one that’s said this should end, but when I do, he turns into a sobbing baby, literally, goes from big dominant threatening guy to on his knees, swearing on his parents’ future graves and on the bible he’ll finally stop lying (20 years – a good 4 times a year). The trick has been, the actual truth of the truths is only revealed after a major investment from me – getting married – and even then I was happy to split – but then after kids born – then the bigger worse truths (lies, cheats) come out – so then my poor kids are the bargaining chips – then some “good behavior” after I try to leave, and then what appears to be good behavior, only to find out several years later it was all a cover up… but then of course we’ve just moved far away, so I’m focused on helping the kids make new friends, can’t suddenly sabotage their valiant efforts to make things work by being the ‘divorcing drama’ family – hard to meet moms that way. And … it never ends until you are an empty well. Seriously. He mad serious strides to make things right this summer (being honest to some past folks about lies)… and then just a few weeks ago, another lie, only revealed to me just after sex (oh – did I mention – that’s his thing – just after I fully give in – he stabs me in the heart). Can anyone help me to decode this? How can one set boundaries when co-living with this? And sweet phone calls all this week … acting hurt, scared, injured, practically saying “gagga goo goo” to appear needy. You are the total average of all your behaviors, dressing up like a sheep does not hide the wolf underneath. They find what you care about – me, marriage and kids and family, and truth – and they trash the entire bucket of what you went into the relationship for. I really would like one of us to be run over by a bus, but I’d never ever leave my kids because they need one person to be honest, model how to say true “mea culpas” and say true feelings, of fear, anger, sadness etc. I’m here to ensure they don’t become broken like him. Hard not to read about these issues – like seeking a moment of clearly “getting” what’s happening to us – but it fits no model. There is no logic. It benefits no one. So hard to master something with no pattern or rule or obvious end. The covert narcissist – please decode this game for us in some way. I think we get stuck seeking some logic.

  57. Sorry, if this is long. I am still struggling badly with this. What was I dealing with???

    I met him over the internet and he is from another country (both of us in Europe though). We talked about travelling and I told him how I would like to visit the area he lives and he quickly told me to jump in a plane and visit him there, which I thought was weird at such an early stage. Anyway, we started talking on Skype and this was in February. He told me he had a long distance relationship (gf) with someone in another continent and that they had met twice only. He said they fight all the time and break up every day and that he hates make-up and that he fought with gf every day over her wearing make-up. I really thought this gf wasn’t serious and that perhaps he was making up he had a gf in order for me not to get too attached to him. All this sounded strange to me. He told me he was a sex addict and online game addict, that he is hostile, impatient, insatiable and he said he had met his “gf” last October. Over Xmas he was with her too and only in January he flew to another country to have sex with a woman. Then, the gf visited him in March and to cut the story short, he flew to me in April just for the 1 day. At the start, I didn’t give it much importance, as I didn’t really want anything serious with him. After he left he told me he was really happy he met me, that he was really happy I was the way I was and that he basically had a great time. Only the next day we talked on Skype and we agreed I would go over to his country to meet him in 6 weeks’ time. Thing is he only wants to spend 36 hours maximum with me because he says he has other things to do and to call his gf because otherwise she gets suspicious if he is missing for too long. This was unacceptable but as it was only the second time we met I thought not to give it much thought as I thought he perhaps wanted to know me slowly and not to spend too much time at the start. He seemed happy that he was going to see me again but weeks before I flew over he started to hang up on me on Skype whenever I said something he didn’t want to talk about. I asked him what he thought of me and he always answered that he doesn’t like me fishing for compliments. He started to give me time limits to talk on Skype, sometimes he would count down and then he would hang up on me. He would tell me I needed to structure my talk and talk about interesting things. One day he told me he gave me 4 minutes to talk and at minute 3.30 he hung up. Then he said that I didn’t know how to use the time he gave me and that if I wasted 4 minutes like that he wouldn’t give me more next time. It became all really nasty, basically.

    I had already bought my air ticket and anyway I was about to cancel it but I flew over. It was only for 36 hours that we met and the day I was leaving I asked him if we would see each other again. He said he didn’t know and then took me to the airport. I was there saying good bye and he was just there for 5 minutes and I wanted him to stay a bit longer till I left. He got really angry, he looked at my face in such a cold way and told me I was being very clingy and that it was over forever, that we would never talk again. I was so shocked so traumatized. Then he walked away and didn’t even look back.

    When I arrived he asked if I had arrived safely and we talked on Skype but he still said it was over. He told me that I spoilt things while I was there, that it was my fault. He said I made him run away, that how I could be so clingy at the airport, he said that I made him pay 3 Euros for parking at the airport when he wanted to go quickly. He constantly told me to change myself, he said how I could undermine his authority, whenever I asked when we could talk he says that he doesn’t know, not now, not today. He blocked me several times on whatsapp and Skype. He many times told me I am ignorant, a bad listener or that I have bad memory. When I ask questions that don’t suit him he tells me to change topic. He even said I had to make an appointment to talk to him.
    Then anyway, we got back talking and so many times when he is not available to talk he tells me that he wasn’t answering because he was having sex with such and such. Even a weekend after me visiting him he told me how he brought another woman to his house and he was doing with her the same things he did with me. Recently, I texted him one day and he said he was driving and that he was *f a girl in another country.

    And now, I visited him a third time in his country (and last time for me) because 36 hours is all he offers me and now he even says that it can’t be 2 nights but only one (and this is considering I fly from one country to another spending at least 400/500 Euros for 36 hours). I touched him with a packet of paper tissues on his head and he got really angry, he told me I have no empathy and that I am crazy, that that was really bad and that he is so sensitive to noise. I couldn’t believe the way he was reacting plus I told him I didn’t know that about him so it is not like I did it on purpose. He said that the fact I didn’t do it on purpose was irrelevant and that anyone would get annoyed by something like that. I was trying to rationalise with him till he said that then in order for me to understand he would have to beat me. Hours later we went to the mountains and he was holding my hand and hugging me and looking at me as if there were feelings somehow.
    Whenever I ask if we will talk he says that maybe, no guarantee or that we will but that he could be wrong. He is always the one who makes the call. Whenever I call him he doesn’t answer. I said to him to call me sometime and he said “only when I want to!” I asked why I can never call him and he said that I can but then when I asked why he never answers when I call he says “because I didn’t want to”. And then he said “appreciate it, that I call you”
    Well, there are so many things he has told me that it is unreal and I don’t know what to think anymore.

    I always saw he is manipulative, etc but the “beating me” part, that really scared me. I saw another side of him I never thought I would.

    While I was there with him this last time there was a time when he grabbed me in a rough way, I told him he was hurting me and to stop but he didn’t. He had sex with me at that time and I didn’t feel well about it. I was thinking for myself that that felt a bit like being forced somehow. Coincidentally, the next morning he brought up (out of the blue) the topic of raping. My brother in law had called him months before to tell him that the way he was treating wasn’t right and this guy told me that morning (after grabbing me roughly the night before) that my brother in law had accused him of raping women. I was shocked because I know my brother in law never said this to him and what a coincidence! he brings that up after the previous night I sort of felt that way.

    Ok, then, one of these days he told me to watch the scene of Maleficient movie where Angelina Jolie’s wings are cutt off. He said: “mind, I didn’t cut your wings off”. I hadn’t watched the movie and didn’t have a clue what this was about and then I read on google that the movie actually is about abuse and that particular scene is a metaphor for rape. I have no clue what he is trying to tell me but he clearly said he didn’t cut off my wings.

    Then, 5 weeks ago we were sending some messages on whatsapp and he basically told me that he won’t meet me again, that it was out of the question because I push him out of his comfort zone and I interfere with his social network. I was so hurt at the cold way he was talking to me plus he had said something I didn’t understand and he told me I was illiterate, stupid and dead slow on the uptake. He also told me I am useless. At that moment I went and I told him that he might not meet again because I interfere with his whores but that I won’t meet him again because I don’t meet beaters. Straight away he blocked me on whatsapp and Skype and that is how it is now. He has blocked me in the past too and then he unblocked me, I suppose because I was after him. I have no clue what will happen anymore but I have the feeling I am blocked for good now although it is strange because although I am blocked on Skype he still has me on his contact list.

    I must add one thing that came into my mind now. At the start of our talks at the very beginning he once told me I was going to get addicted to him and at another point he told I was addicted to him but that I just didn’t know it yet.

    Up to now I was blocked on Skype but he still had me on his contact list. Yesterday I happened to send a message to him saying “Why am I on Skype?”. I didn’t want to tell him directly that I knew he had me on his contact list still so I kind of threw that question which is ambiguous in a way. I don’t know if that is the reason or what but suddenly yesterday he deleted me from his contacts too. I am so heart broken. I always thought that by having me blocked but still on his list there was still a chance that some day he would write to me again the same way he had done before when he had blocked me in the past. Only thing is that now he has had me blocked for nearly 2 months whereas in the past it was maximum 6/7 days. Now, by deleting me too it is even more clear how he will never be back. I couldn’t sleep all night and I am just so so very sad.

    1. Sweetie I know just how you feel. I was in a VERY similar situation as you, and all I can say is that you need to put up a wall, FAST and never look past it again. He’s abusing you. He’s manipulating you. He will NEVER want you the way you want him to. He only wants what’s best for himself. Even if he comes back, or says he’s sorry, or whatever, he’s ONLY doing it to abuse you more and feed himself. He doesn’t care about you. He never will. No matter how much he apologizes or does whatever. I know that’s really hard to hear. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but I’m glad you can hear it because you can also hear this: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE WONDERFUL. YOU ARE WORTHY. He cannot give you value or take it away. He is nothing. You are everything. His apology will not heal you. Him coming back will not make your life better. Only you can do that. I know he’s made you feel crazy. You’re not. You’re right to feel sad/angry/hurt/upset at everything. You are NOT CRAZY. You are NOT WRONG. He DID sexually assault you.
      Here’s what you need to do. Initiate NO CONTACT. Remove him from your friends lists. Remove him and block him from your Skype contacts. Delete his number and block it if you can. Delete e-mails. Don’t look back at messages he sent, or pictures of you together. Your mind will try to tell you that he’s not that bad or that you can change him. It will try to make you forget all the bad things he did. Don’t let it. He is bad. He cannot change. If you remember something good, make an effort to remember five bad things. Don’t forget.
      Now, I want you to look in the mirror and tell yourself that you’re beautiful and worthy. If it helps go out and flirt with guys and get a self-esteem boost. I want you to reach out to your other friends and spend time with them. Spend time with your family. Do the things you love, which you probably stopped doing since you were obsessed with him. If you can talk about it to the people you love, do it. Explain to them what’s going on. I promise you that if you tell them how he behaved, they will tell you it’s not right. Let the people who REALLY care about you help you heal. If you can get a therapist, do so. I know you’re doubting yourself. Maybe he’s not a narcissist? He is. He is. He is. Never visit again. Never look back. I know you want to leave a small opening in case he changes, but he will force that opening way bigger and hurt you again. Don’t let him. You hold the power. In the end, he only hurts you because he’s weak and doesn’t feel good about himself. He is a child. You wouldn’t date a child because they are not fully mature. Neither is he.
      RUN. Do not walk. Lock the door. Throw away the key. Never look back.

  58. Thank you so much!
    I married a year and a half ago to “the man of my dreams” and had a honeymoon of my dreams … for a few weeks until it turned into hell almost over night. In a few short weeks his manners changed from the loving, polite, handsome and strong man that held me so lovingly and could keep me so safe and loved, to the monster that talked me down and called me names, interrogated me about every little thing in my life and specially all men I so much as spoke to, depriving me of money, demanding sex late at night even though I had gone to sleep and depriving me of sleep for days sometimes knowing I needed to wake up early for work, took anger tantrums at threw fits breaking my things, once he even took my work computer. The list is endless. But that is thankfully not my story anymore even though I am still working my way out of the legal aspects of the relationship.

    I had realized a few years ago that I was co-dependent and had done my work on that aspect of myself. That meant I even had to clear a negative and abusive person out of my life for my own good. Being strong headed as well I never quite gave up to my N´s ideas of my life and me, sensing that this was not my truth but only his truth. Don´t get me wrong, I was confused out of my mind after serious gas-lighting manipulation and mentally broken for a long while. But I started seeking out information only a few months into his “game”, for that is what it seemed to be to him, my life was merely a game to him. He then moved to another town for work so the distance gave me a chance to wake up, for a short while. Even though I had the information I needed to know I should walk away and after quite a few police interventions I gave in and kept going, believing that he loved me and totally forgetting everything in nearness of his sweet promising eyes and warm strong arms, the bliss of the powerful fulfilling sex. This landed me about a year after we got married totally broken and numb for months after a serious incident of rage, not so much because of physical injuries but I was mentally completely broken. I lost my job and dropped out of everything. My friends had slowly fallen off my grid and I was almost totally isolated in spite of the security net I had started to build a few weeks before the incident. Why you might ask? Yes, I went back again and people just simply gave up on me 🙂

    But it started to really sink in after that that my life was in actual danger and I managed to distance myself by denying to follow him as he went off again to live a more colorful exciting life in the city. I never saw any money after that, his partying lifestyle took care of that and I pretty much know he was cheating on me as well from all the “smoking guns” that appeared now and then on his social media profiles, strange calls and him blocking my calls saying his phone died and so forth. This is still his reality to the day and I am just smiling as wide as possible reading these blogs and being thankful I am on a path to breaking free! I still have days where I cry my eyes out missing him, as strange as that sounds. I am still in a no contact battle with myself and he still tries to contact me every now and then. But after I created a special account with his name on his social media of choice I can aim all I want to say to that message box and vent some steam off my head. He never will see it but I get to write my pain away directly at him, in a very fulfilling manner. It was either that or a boxing bag with his picture. But I am a highly analytical person and I don´t box 🙂

    Thank you again!! This is the first place I really feel I am mirroring all “my” madness in the relationship process and I can finally say that I feel better after everyone kind of wrote me off for going back all the time. Now I know why and that it was part of the manipulation effect.

  59. Melanie —

    I love you. I have used this article of yours for my lifejacket.:

    Is He or She Really A Narcissist? Laying Boundaries and Accountability – See more at: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-he-or-she-really-a-narcissist-laying-boundaries-and-accountability/#sthash.mb1O7pFe.dpuf

    I read it slowly and carefully and fully consider all parts of it. It has helped me tremendously. Because I have studied it and integrated it, I know what to do at the right time. Your words have really stood the test of experience. It’s almost unreal, that a personality with so much chaos and destruction could actually be predictable.

    I deeply appreciate how frank you are in expressing the hopes and the devastation of the victim (sorry if wrong word) and then the remedy, of living a strongly powerful life.

    Now I have my heart returned to me. I feel it so strong, so full of love and wisdom. I am careful to protect my heart, I want it to continue to feel and be radiant. When NPD comes back around, I can tell my heart is numbing, and I go back and read your article. There it is: use the boundaries. Then watch what happens. In this case, nope, NPD is not ready to come “home”.

    Thank you again, Melanie, I love you.

  60. The reply to each questions is Bluehost, whenever you sign up you may get your area identify and hosting all in the same package- with bluehost they include the short
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  61. Thank you Melanie. I rejected him at Christmas even after his sending gifts, we had been apart a total of 7 mo. I was doing well. Then he contacted me and said he missed me terribly and wanted to talk, explain everything, he was going to be honest, most of it good, think it would be productive and thought we could look ahead and get passed this. Since he never talked ever before, the whole 2 years I knew him I decided to see what he had to say. It was Valentine’s weekend and I got caught up. We went away to New Hope, PA for the weekend. Ironic name since I was to find there was no hope. The euphoria and happiness lasted for a day. Still saw him guarding his phone, 15 min. to use the bathroom as other men were in and out, all the uneasiness flooding back. Then the talk on Valentine’s Day (which I’m sure is destined in memory to be the worst one ever) he admitted to still seeing the married ex whom he has known for 5 years now, which we had broken up over when I found out 6 months into our relationship. He considers her a friend. She had him arrested in 2013. He knows he must break off all contact with her in order to make a life with me which he wants cause he loves me and knows I’m right for him. He wants to get a house, give me a key and it will be only me and him, he wouldn’t need anyone else! He isn’t telling her where he’s moving to. He is still on probation for the trouble he had with her and intends to break it off gradually his way which will be shortly. Well I sat there in total shock and disbelief that he could think this was productive and acceptable. What kind of reasoning is this?! Then he proceeded to walk away to make a phone call on Valentine’s Day. After 15 minutes gone, I asked him if it was her that he called and he said it was. That he was returning her call. That she knew he was away the weekend with me. I have never been that humiliated in my life. So mad at myself for believing that at the very least it would be a nice weekend. How stupid could I have been. I cried I died, it was the lowest point ever. There was no glimmer of hope or any ounce of love or sentimentality left. I picked myself up, dusted myself off. He was now dead to me. I am numb. Cut him off his number, his texts, changed me email. Thank God he lives 2 hours away. So no chance of ever seeing him again. A hard lesson learned. Why do I always give the benefit of the doubt and have to wait until I get kicked in the teeth before I can face the truth?

  62. Thank you Melanie. My 50 year old ex wife who I am in the process of divorcing now has become narcissistic in the last 3 years. She had breast cancer6 years ago, losing a breast, after reconstruction and enhancements and plastic surgery in 2012 I noticed a subtle shift in her clothing, more provocative, and she became addicted to internet games. Now an aside she is a dentist so they all suffer from a bit of OCD, I did not think much of it, she also is a bit of a shopaholic, there is not a mall that is safe from her. Her mother is one and her father a recovered alcoholic. About this time her brother and her began a business together and he began living in our basement.(31/2) years now 5 days a week. We had several blowouts about this, she would never back me in trying to get him out. Also I noticed when they talked they said the meanest things about people they had dealings with including her family and mine. She also become very me focused, less about family things. In 2014 she discovered the selfie and she was off to the races, and every picture on her phone was of her. Last year, the selfies got racier and racier and her sex drive went through the the roof. I found out last August she was tangled up in an emotional affair with some guy from the car club, they both have new corvettes( he is a dyed in the wool NPD, having wrecked several marriages, and 2 of his own) . To make a long story short, I caught her several times reaching out to him since then , it was my fault for trying to stop her, I was not respecting her privacy, etc. went to counseling, separately. I am still in it. She began fantasizing about him and finally she gave me the speech. Within 2 weeks of giving me the heave ho, she was at his door and acting like an 18 year old in love, seen all over town. This is where I have the question. My 16 year old daughter found out about it, and him in all his detail. Her mother basically told her to mind her own business, not to tell her who she could and couldn’t date, and they are now not talking. My daughter wrote an eloquent defense about respecting her and her wishes. I saw it. Does a narcissist not care enough to allow children to try to adapt to their world turned upside down, she is spending days and nights with her new lover, my daughter is leaving with me and I am in a quandary what to do with my 12 year old son. If she is suffering from NPD, should I seek custody or just help him as best I can. My daughter has saved herself by moving in with me. Is my ex a narcissist and will the courts help if I have to rescue. To be totally fair, I was a bit of a controlling personality, I like order, no surprises, but I have been working on that for the last couple of years., with counseling. My ex has plenty of symptoms, can a life event like cancer trigger it, does the midlife crisis cause it. Why would she be drawn like a moth to the flame of a true NPD if she is one also?

  63. Hello everyone, “robinson.buckler@ yahoo. com” helped me out when i thought my life is lost don’t know where its going……… It all started when the father of my two kids left me and sworn never to have anything to do with me and all effort to get him back prove to be abortive and i decided to let things be the way they are cause i felt my life is lost don’t know where its going. But Priest Andrew came into the picture and things turned out to be how i have ever wanted it to be……….I will forever be grateful to him for the rest of my life, Am so happy!!!!!!!!!!

  64. My husband is a pathological liar, bully and he cannot speak to me in a normal tone. He always has to yell and hold objects in the most intimidating way.
    I am now afraid so this is definitely “rock bottom” for me.
    What makes it worse is he ONLY acts like this toward me.
    He suddenly turns into this “other person” when his adult kids show up, or our son comes home from college, or in front of the neighbors.
    If there is an audience, he is the “nicest guy you ever met”.
    Nobody believes me because he never shows them that side.
    I ended up videotaping an outburst, where he ends it saying, “you want some more?”
    I showed it to my son, so he realizes why I am going to leave and move away.
    He hugged me and said, “I get it now mom”.

    I feel like I was stupid for hanging in for our son to have two parents.
    I also realized I married the male version of my mother.

    Reading your online articles and video’s has been so helpful, you have no idea.
    I needed to be validated and you gave me that.

    The holidays are coming and I will not be here to make it all sugary sweet, like everyone is use to from me.
    Funny how nobody realizes all you do until you are gone.

    Time to save myself.

  65. I am currently going through this now. we’ve been together for almost year but he always leaves. He’ll text at the middle night and tell me how much he misses me and because of how stupid I am I always find myself going back to him. He would seduce, caressed me, kissed me on my foreheads and the sex part jeez don’t even get me started on that. He treats me like I am the only lady in the world just in one night and after that he is gone again. He won’t text, call, reply my messages and my friends has told millions time to break it off with him but I kept thinking “his not that bad” “maybe I could change” good Lord I didn’t realized that was just my hormones talking.

    This past week he asked me to come over to his place and this was after 3 month of zero contact and this zero contact goes on like that. To cut the long story short, I refused to go to his place that night and the next day I couldn’t stop thinking about him and I thought maybe this time he would change. Anyways few days ago he broke it up with me after we had an argument about the zero contact and how draining it is for me. Well, he said that is who he is and he I can’t change that. He said he doesn’t feel emphaty for anyone that he care so much about himself and he doesn’t care for anyone one else. He told me that we need to end this that I deserves better that I deserve a guy who’ll buy me banquet and have dinner set on the table by the time I am back from work and that his not that guy and he can’t be that guy because this is just who he is.

    I cried my eyes out, lost my appetite, couldn’t find my peace, lost concentration at work and keep thinking why this happening to me. I am still hurting and the worst thing is that I am afraid that he come back begging in another 4 or 5 months and I don’t want to go back to him but right now I feel so empty, lost, deserted, I can’t even think straight. I am trying hard to heal but it’s hard for me. I blocked every contact of him, tossed out things of him that could bring back memories of him but yet I am still hurting and can’t stop thinking about him or the great time we had spend together

    1. Bukky
      Sounds a lot like my ex narc boyfriend. Google “trauma bonds”. There are articles and youtube videos that explain why we
      get attached to these narcs. It took me 15 months to finally realize what was going on.
      I ran out of patience !I think I finally realized I HAD to get away from his anger and toxicity. He wants what HE wants.
      He’s an emotional bully, HIS reality is what counts and must always come first.
      I had to ask myself what I was receiving from his presence in my life.
      As long as I agreed with everything he said, never had an opinion or point of view of my own and agreed with his desire to do whatever he wanted
      whenever he wanted we could get along fine . I was losing myself.

  66. Hi. This post was excellent so I felt compelled to write. I was the narcissist. Or, at least you could say I displayed narcissist behavior (lack of empathy, controlling, insecurity) until my wife filed for divorce and I started a journey of self reflection and recovery. If you read “To be a Man” by Masters you’ll see that many of us were shamed as children and never learned how to build a healthy relationship with that shame. We have poor self esteem and were taught that we are unworthy, despite our successes. As a result, we needed to control you because deep down inside we felt that you never really wanted us-we couldn’t believe you truly loved us for who we really are. We created a false self to mask these deeply held beliefs (no matter how inaccurate they were) and ignored you and your needs to prove to the world and ourselves that we are worthy. As a result, we lost sight of everything that ever truly mattered-you and our family. You see, we do truly love you. We etchasketched our love for you on our hearts. & we deeply regret that we hurt you. We carry that pain with us every day. You deserve to be cherished, loved, supported, and protected. We simply didn’t know ourselves. We didn’t know how to love ourselves. We didn’t know how to love you, unconditionally or selflessly.

    Now is the time for you to feel entitled. To find your voice and draw your boundaries. We never wanted to make you feel small. Take your time. Take all the space you need. & know that we are scared shitless that you we have lost you for good. But we’ll do whatever it takes to love you unconditionally to prove to you that our love for you is real.

    Sincerely,
    The dense idiot that took you for granted and couldn’t see beyond himself.

    1. Can you share how you came to realize that you are a narcissist and that you needed, or more specifically, WANTED…to change? What was the tipping point that made you wake up? It seems from much that I read that this is very abnormal (for someone in your place to change away from it). I’d love to hear your story of how you shifted.

  67. I recently broke up with my N ex and am looking for a place to live. She has asked if we can talk and that she’s ready to own the things she did and open the conversation to healing. I’m skeptical and still moving out, but I want to give her the chance to say what she wants so I can see if this is real (does she genuinely wants to change) or if it’s more hoovering. My question is…is it okay to copy the list above and give it to her to clearly state my expectations before I would consider having a relationship with her in the future? I was trying to think of what I want to say to her during this conversation and really what is above says it all very clearly.

  68. I was with my ex for 2 years and he cheated on me so many times so we split up, before he left me, we were planing to get married in the future, I loved him so much but I became tired of him lying to me every time he opens his mouth, I went into search for help in the internet, I tried many different spells from almost every place locally as well as online and none of them worked, I almost gave up hope because I thought i will never see my lover again forever, one day i saw some testimony about this powerful spell caster Dr.Mack, i emailed him and i asked him to help me bring back my lover and he did A Lover Spell for me And after some days, my lover returned back to me I’d like to say that i got a positive result from (dr.mac@yahoo. com) ever since i used his love spell, my lover have learned to appreciate me more and more day by day, and he doesn’t take me for granted,

  69. Of all your posts that I’ve found through different googling haha, this one is my favorite. I set my boundaries quickly. It was only a four month relationship, but wanting him back after I dumped him is like a drug. I went NC and he went silent treatment. A month later and I received an odd, accusing text from him. I answered it lightheartedly, so he joked back and then immediately texted “you hurt me when you left”. Those were the wrong words to use. I texted back “well, I could say the same about your actions”. He responded back with a single “K” and went silent again. That was several days ago and I’m sure he’ll be back in a week or so. I feel at his age he is reaching collapse because he seems to know something is wrong with him and complains about it. He told me he wanted to make us work because he is tired of breaking up. He has so many problems.
    I know that I can’t let him back in because it could all be fake and THIS POSTING really hammered that in for me. This post gives that little hope for change that we so want, but also helps give you the power to demand real change and accept nothing less. I needed this because I suspect mine isn’t full NPD. There have been too many instances of him respecting my boundaries and doing better by me. It still isn’t enough. And this silent treatment is so immature. He is in his 40s. I could go on and on, but I won’t. Thank you.

  70. This is a great roadmap for anyone who has experienced unhealthy relationships!
    I am doing my trauma healing work and learning to set boundaries in all my relationships on appropriate levels of contact. These lists make it so much easier to get clarity and keep it simple and help to stay out of confusion and making excuses.
    Thank you so much for sharing the information in this article, Melanie Tonia Evans!

  71. BS”D
    Mel you are a real Godsend. What you are teaching & guiding is a lifesaver maybe even beyond your dreams! Not only am I beginning to understand what’s been happening to me over the decades. Understanding how I feel into emotional traps & bad relationships. Not only helping me get myself out of the emotional trap/addiction in finally getting out of another abusive marriage – but your sharing these gems of wisdom & guidance has saved me from entering yet another one.
    I had a very traumatic childhood all the way through teenage life. There were some good people around me who helped cope up, so I got engaged to a good girl at age 23, everything was really fine until she was murdered by a member of a Sata’nist cult group. I was in shock – torn. Then another woman “caught me on the rebound” & that turned out to be a really abusive marriage that almost cost me my life (family were mafiosi!).
    Now I am in a process of divorcing from another abusive marriage & thanks to you have stopped shedding tears over memories of the “good times” & of “everything we did together” & of “the fear of being alone afterwards”. thank you for that.
    BUT the icing on the cake, the cherry on the sundae, is this: Some had already suggested a new relationship to me that seemed great, “such a special woman etc etc” which at 1st seemed yes so. BUT soon after “hooking my heart/soul” she showed her 2nd side & the flip-flopping between super lovey dovey & super delusional-judgmental etc. I was wondering am I imagining things or are warning bells ringing? Is it me at fault or what?
    Your guidance, your help in healing the old traumae that made me a magnet for NPD & for this Altruistic NPD saved me from holding on to this one.
    Saved me from again being “caught on the rebound” into another abusive relationship/marriage.
    GOD BLESS YOU a thousand times over

  72. I have been following you Melanie for about a month and I know I have to learn much more about Narcissist. I actually had never really known much about narcissist before and when I was searching for answers to why I was so traumatized by the breakup with my ex girlfriend that I then ran across one of you articles and it just hit so close to home about what I was going through. I then decided to try some of your healing techniques and I have been getting better but I don’t think I’m following the techniques correctly yet although I’m not giving up because I have read so many success stories that I know that I will heal when I learn how to better apply your concepts. One question I have been wanting to ask and hopefully find answers to or st least understand it better is this: I spent about 2 months trying to ask my ex narcissist girlfriend for forgiveness while all that time she simply blocked me on all avenues of communication and would occasionally send me a message that was not very friendly but would never give me a chance to reply or defend myself in any way and it almost drove me crazy at one point. I have since given up trying to contact her and am slowly accepting the fact that it’s over despite feeling the enormous amount of pain emotionally that she caused me during our relationship and even more so at the end. I didn’t realize how much I was being abused emotionally until i was out of contact with her completely. Although I know I would still probably go back to her if she let me even though I know now how bad she was for me. She almost had me convinced that was crazy and needed psychological help until her sister contacted me and I had never met this sister before and she told me that I was not evil and I wasn’t crazy. The whole relationship was extremely complicated but I thought I loved her and that If I was patient long enough she would get better. She basically used me and I lost a significant amount of money to her by her manipulating me. During the relationship she would always say that I was the one with the problems and it wasn’t until after no contact that I was able to recognize that everything that she blamed on me was an exact mirrored reflection of the way she was behaving. She would say I was manipulating me or she would say I was I being passive aggressive or I was controlling her yet she was the one that had total control over everything that I did. When our relationship started deteriorating after she asked me for a significant amount of money that she needed to help her father out that I made the mistake of calling her out as a narcissist and then I experienced the narcissistic rage. I have never been able to speak with her since and the only communication I’ve had with her is the messages that she sends me calling me every name in the book and how crazy I was and I needed to be locked up. I had never once called her any bad names other than telling her I thought she might have narcissistic tendencies. She was accusing me of smearing her reputation on social media although I never once said a bad thing about her on social media even after we broke up. And I found it that she was the one that was smearing my name on social media Every thing she accused me of doing was was exactly what she was doing to me. It’s been over a month since she has had any contact with me and that was just bad name calling at me and accusing me of trying to destroy her reputation even though lol that time I was just trying to talk to her and say I was sorry for calling her a narcissist. Now I’m worried that someday she may contact me and want to start seeing me again and I’m afraid that I would go running back to her even though I now know how little regard she had for my feelings especially when we were together. Maybe she has a better narcissistic supply now and she won’t ever contact me again but I know I have to my inner true self healed because I’m sure I wouldn’t go back if I were. I have a lot of work left to do before I can really thrive like so many of your success stories, I just hope that I reach that point before she ever try’s contacting me again. I know every case is different and maybe she never will ever try to contact me again, I just don’t know. What I do know is that I still want to talk to her and apologize. Is this something that’s not normal? To want to do this ? I have also been trying to figure out if I was the one that was the narcissist because I did have some of the traits but only during the time we were fighting at the end of the relationship. I hope you can share what you think of my story even though it’s only a fraction of thet whole story. If I wouldn’t have been contacted by her sister and told that I wasn’t crazy and evil I would possibly not be here today because I had fallen so deep into depression at that point and my life was falling apart and I just began not to care about anything anymore. Thankfully I have been slowly getting better as far as the depression goes but I know I still have a lot of work to do to fully recover and I won’t give up until I do heal my inner self. Thank you for giving me this forum to express where I am at and what I hope to accomplish with your help and guidance.

  73. Married 15 years. Had no clue. Found affair out on my birthday. 4 months ago. He talked me into staying. He gave me no truth. Denied it all. Then in sept. I told him i want divorce. I hate him . He makes me sick. I disassociated from relationship. I shut down. Soon after he got up and he killed himself. Where i would find him. I opened the door. We were eye to eye. He punished me for his actions. I didnt lie. I didnt cheat. I didnt kill him. Hind sight i see all the lies broken promises other women etc.
    My counselor told me about npd. He said sounds like my husband was a covert narc. I never thought he was. I thought they were loud and obvious. My husband was a master at deceit. People we know think im making this up. He was a people pleaser. Not a day goes by i dont find a new lie. The energy he put into making me the enemy just makes me sick. The smear campaign against me was very successful.
    He died a month ago. I dont miss him. I now feel hate where once was love for him. He did it not me. He once was my hero. Not anymore.
    Now it is about me. I will survive this. Its a long road. But i can do it. I will not give him the satisfaction of destroying me
    .

  74. Hi Raelynn and Kate
    Same as me. I just discover that he is a Narc after 21 years. That person has no respect for anyone. I want people to respect him every where. Arrogance. Pushing . Insulting. Selfish .,Cursing… I now decided to take my own room. And blocked him on whatapp and calls. Since iam sleeping alone iam in peace now. He always talk about big projects for years but he is not working. But for him every one is poor
    Next year will be the next step. I will move and will not allow him to come. One day he even te me that he slept with my friend and that she was very nice… now I know that he is a Narc. And thankyou to the social media it opened my eyes. To let me away that this type of person are soulless and have a dark spirit a d cannot change. Now I will make a decision that knowing i cannot regret one day.

  75. Hi Raelynn and Kate
    Same as me. I just discover that he is a Narc after 21 years. That person has no respect for anyone. He want people to respect him every where. Arrogance. Pushing . Insulting. Selfish .,Cursing… I now decided to take my own room. And blocked him on whatapp and calls. Since iam sleeping alone iam in peace now. He always talk about big projects for years but he is not working. But for him every one is poor
    Next year will be the next step. I will move and will not allow him to come. One day he even te me that he slept with my friend and that she was very nice… now I know that he is a Narc. And thankyou to Melanie the social media to open my eyes. To let me away that this type of person are soulless and have a dark spirit a d cannot change. Now I will make a decision that knowing i cannot regret one day. I just regret not having see this website long ago. But God time is always the best.

  76. Can I ask others on here, is it normal for people as they are reading these articles to start to compare themselves and believe they are in fact the N?

    I have been told by my ex partner that I am an N I have seen Psychologists, clinical psychiatrists and they have told me I’m not. Is it normal for the partner to feel this way?

    Its hard to see yourself in another relationship when you have left believing that you are the one that has been that way….

    1. Hi Justin,

      it is 100% usual that you would be called this by someone who actually is.

      If you google my name plus “Am I the narcissist?” this will help grant you clarity.

      I hope this helps

      Mel 🙏💞🦋

  77. I was with my husband for 15 years. I knew long ago I should have left him because he was emotionally abusive to me and to his daughter from his 1st marriage. He had multiple affairs and I always caught him talking to other women online. I tried throwing him out but was told by the police that I could not throw my husband out of our home. Our home? I worked nights and weekends to save for a down payment on a home. A home that he moved into and criticized right away. All why sleeping with some woman that I kept telling him to go move in with. I lost myself in this marriage and eventually I started calling him out on everything and starting emotionally abusing him like he did to me. He left 3 weeks ago and took all his belongings with him and I have blocked him on all social media accounts and my cell. I do not want to talk to him. His sons 18 and 27 all think there dad is the best and does no wrong and his daughter still lives with me. She is 16 and has dealt with a lot from this man (her mom is an alcoholic). Both her parents give me grief so I blocked both of them. I am only trying to do right by her while trying to heal me as well. I will be a thriver in no time I am sure. Working on my self-love and esteem will take some time but I know this is a journey I must take.

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