Melanie Tonia Evans

Do You Command or Demand?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 1
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

I really want you to understand this question and think about it.

It’s vital – because there is a huge difference.

We all have needs, and we all want them met. Some people who don’t believe they deserve to have their needs met say nothing, they just simply go along with their life, internalise the pain and choose to accept a ‘less than’ experience.

For some people this is unbearable and they simply can’t do that…which truly is a good thing.

However there are ways to get your needs met, and there is sure fire ways how not to get your needs met.

I’m going to work backwards with you on this, by first of all giving you some synonyms that describe commanding and demanding.

 

Commanding

 

  • Being aligned with your truth
  • Not believing that other people create your truth
  • I use ‘I’ statements rather that ‘you’ statements
  • Not accepting second best
  • If you need time to think about that – think about it in your own time
  • I inspire love, respect and commitment
  • I create who I am (in the positive)
  • I won’t accept being who I am not (what I have decided I don’t want)

 

Demanding

 

  • Being out of centre and personal power
  • Believing that other people create your truth
  • I use ‘you’ statements instead of ‘I’ statements
  • I accept second, third best or even worse
  • Yes you can stay with me whilst you think about this
  • I create lack of love, respect and commitment
  • I create who I am (in the negative)
  • I accept being who I am not (what I have decided I don’t want)

To simplify this even further – when you command, you are being and creating what you want. When you demand you are not doing this.

Commanding is powerful, demanding is powerless.

Commanding brings to you what you desire, demanding pushes it further away.

 

How Not To Get Your Needs Met

Pamela and Bill:

Pamela is dating Bill and is deeply unhappy. At the start of their relationship everything seemed great. But she noticed he was spending more times with his friends and less time with her. His attentiveness was dropping away, and her anxiety was increasing. The relationship was not moving forward into something more solid for her, it seemed to be moving backwards.

This was not what she had signed up for!

Her talks with him about wanting more time with him, were met with “I don’t want to rush things”…yet they had been dating for some months now.

Pamela had been trying to give him space and time, yet things weren’t changing and as every day went on she was feeling more and more distance from Bill.

Because her anxiety has reached unbearable levels, one night she blurts out to him on the phone,  “I don’t get enough time with you! I don’t think you really want to be with me…do you even want this relationship?”

There is a deathly silence on the other end of the phone. Bill makes an excuse to go. Pamela is left feeling devastated. She doesn’t hear from Bill all that week. He calls her on Friday night and asks if she wants him to cover over. She says “Yes”.

Friday night she brings up her concerns to him again, and he says “I’m not sure, I just need more time”. They share a bed that night and make love, and afterwards Pamela rolls over and cries herself to sleep, she doesn’t feel at peace, and in fact the pain is even worse.

Amanda and Geoff:

Amanda and Geoff have been married for three years. Geoff has a drinking problem and has been fired again from another job.

Amanda is gutted, because again she is going to have to carry the expenses and try to get him motivated enough to get a new job. She is angry, feels betrayed and is sick of his broken promises. She cries and yells that night, and she threatens to leave him if he doesn’t clean his act up.

Geoff makes excuses, he tries to blame his boss, and then when Amanda won’t accept his excuses he blusters “If it wasn’t for you always yelling at me I wouldn’t need to drink!”

In sheer desperation Amanda leaves the house and drives to her friend’s house where she rants, raves and breaks down into tears.

Amanda goes home and tells Bill he has a month to clean himself up, stop drinking and get another job. Bill says to himself “Yeah, whatever…” because he knows she doesn’t mean it.

The saddest thing is Amanda knows she doesn’t mean it, she has threatened this three times already during the last year.

 

How To Get Your Needs Met

Jane and Craig:

Jane dated Craig for 1 year, knowing he had relationship fears as a result of a terrible divorce. He broke up with her and she was devastated. Nearly a year later he got in contact with her, said he missed her and wanted to restart the relationship.

Jane has been working on herself, she realises that she has had the past relationship patterns of giving more than she receives, and being with men who do not reciprocate the levels of love that she feels or grants. She knew that in her previous relationship with Craig that she has set herself up for yet another painful relationship where her needs were not met.

She realised that this is her unhealed pattern and that only she is responsible for healing it. She knew what she had to do. She met with Craig and mustered up the courage to speak calmly, and say “Craig, I’ve been doing some thinking about us. I know how much I care for you, and that I do love you, but I have also realised that in previous relationships I did not love myself enough to know what I deserve. I know I need to be in a relationship where someone else is as emotionally invested and connected to me as I am to them. Because if it’s not like that I’m not going to be in a relationship with that person, I need to honour me, and I need to live MY truth.”

Craig replies after some silence “Okay I hear you – can I think about it?” Jane says “Yes, absolutely. Please do and let me know what you’d like to do. I’ll leave you with that, and I think I’ll go”. She gives him a light kiss on the cheek and leaves.

Jane goes home, cries, feels the pain and the fear of possibly losing Craig again, however she knows this is what she needs to do! As each day goes by she still feels the pain and the fear of abandonment, not being lovable enough for Craig to really want her – but even through all of this pain she KNOWS she must love and respect herself first. She also knows that if Craig does not step up she will absolutely NEVER AGAIN continue in a new relationship where someone is not connected to and invested in it with her.

One week later, there is a ring on her doorbell. She answers the door to Craig with champagne, chocolates and flowers in his hand. He smiles, dimples and all, and says two simple words….. “I’m in!”

Mary and Gary:

Mary has been living for 15 years with her alcoholic husband Gary. Until recently she has been focused on him being the one with the problem, and only in the last few months has she realised that she has needed to take her focus off him and put it firmly on herself.

By digging deep in healing sessions Mary has realised that her childhood was fraught with abuse, not getting her needs met and trying to adapt to survive. She realised that she has a high level of tolerance to inappropriate behaviour and that her boundary function is very poor.

Mary knew that waiting for Gary to sober up and get well equalled her not taking responsibility for her own life. So Mary told Gary to leave, and that she was no longer going to live with an alcoholic – period.

He exclaimed “I will get sober!!”

Mary declared “You’re not right now so leave!”

Gary left and moved in with a friend. He kept drinking believing that Mary would change her mind, and ask him back. Mary didn’t waver, she kept working on herself, created an alcohol free environment and started to invite friends over to enjoy a healthy and happy life.

She missed him, still loved him, but the relief of having control over her own life was incredible, and she was willing to stand up for that with or without him.

After 3 months Gary realised she wasn’t going to ask him home on her own accord. He met up with her begging and pleading. She again said “No”. Gary then hit rock bottom, had an argument with his friend, got kicked out and had to move into a caravan park. He pleaded again with Mary to come home.

She still said “No”.

Gary then went to AA, and got sober.

It took him 6 months after his first AA meeting to convince Mary he was a changed man, and he did everything in his power to do that, over and above the call of duty.

Now 20 years later he is a wonderful husband to Mary, a devoted father and grandfather and is a speaker at AA meetings each week.

I hope this article says it all for you…

Yes these last two stories, which are factual (the names have been changed), did have wonderful and happy endings, in that these men stepped up. But you know, even if they had not, these women recognised their old relationship patterns that were allowing and causing pain, took responsibility and created strong and healthy boundaries in alignment with what they wished to receive.

Therefore Life was always going to provide them their match…

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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27 Thoughts on Do You Command or Demand?
  • carriehennel@yahoo.com.au'
    Caroline
    March 3, 2012

    Thank you for these inspiring stories Melanie. It just reminds me that sometimes pain is necessary to get what you want in life. Much love, Caroline

  • mypinkhouse@bigpond.com'
    Val
    March 3, 2012

    Hi Mel,
    This article really struck a cord with me in the first few lines.
    To paraphrase:it says we all have needs and we all want them met; only some people who believe they don’t deserve to have that say nothing….

    I have found that for me the most difficult thing has been establishing what my needs are and understanding and knowing them has been a huge leap for me in the work I have done with you.
    Like Mary, the lady in one of the stories in this article, who experienced childhood trauma; and like so many people who have been exposed to trauma in family or intimate relationships – the bottom line is that so often you simply try to survive and are frequently and repeatedly told that black is white and up is down and you are crazy if you don’t agree with these often narcissistic partners or parents.
    Then your “needs” don’t even come into any reality that you lived as a child in a traumatic environment or in the mayhem, confusion, brainwashing and fear that can take place in intimate relationships where abuse occurs.
    I remember so very well when I sat down the first day to start my first E Course with you.
    It asked me to write about my self and my needs and my desires and I felt like I was reading something in a foreign language.
    What self? What needs? What on earth does she mean???
    I put it away for some weeks feeling totally inadequate to write any answers at all!!

    Thankfully, that was some time ago and things are gradually changing-it feels good now to really want something and feel confident and good about it.
    So , what I mean is, sometimes the hardest thing is to know what you need and want – and that it is safe to do that!!
    That has been my experience and I hope it makes sense to you and your readers.
    Love and blessings to you Mel and everyone
    .

    • sharoninperth@gmail.com'
      Sharon
      March 4, 2012

      This is me too! I have lost myself to such an extent that I no longer even know what I enjoy doing, let alone what my needs are. Thank you so much Val. Now I think I have a place to start. Thanks Mel you are a God send. xo

      • lilltorill.andersen@gmail.com'
        Lill
        March 5, 2012

        He he, yes me too can relate to that! Who on EARTH am I??? Interesting times, indeed. 😉

  • kellief@y7mail.com'
    Kellie
    March 3, 2012

    Thank you. They are just two simple words, yet they have an enormous impact on life when you read your definitions. I certainly have spent most of my life demanding and have recently been commanding without realising that what I have been doing differently has a whole different meaning and consequence attached. Demanding feels so awful and it feels like nagging. That is why I’m sure many people prefer to say nothing than appear to be whining whingers. It rarely works anyway. Commanding feels so different. It is stating what you want and being prepared to walk away without feeling like a nagging person. It feels powerful but not in anyway needy. It’s a new way of living and it can feel so weird because it’s a new experience. I recently told someone I wanted a certain relationship and walked away. I put my needs first and I am happy to have left an unfull

  • kellief@y7mail.com'
    Kellie
    March 3, 2012

    Ooops….
    unfulfilling situation. This person would need to step up and that’s not in my control.
    Thank you so much for your work. I just wish I’d found you earlier. X

  • john@johnmoussan.com'
    John
    March 4, 2012

    Great post Melanie. I love the info that you give out and can help MANY people! I hope whoever reads your blog takes things to the next level! Also may I suggest adding a facebook ‘share’ button other than the like to make sharing easy as I wanted to share your post to my following.

  • melgray6@hotmail.com'
    Melinda
    March 4, 2012

    Melanie, your article is great, I can identify with it very much. following a similiar line to your story about Jane & Craig, just this weekend i asked a guy who has been in my world over the past two + years to stop texting me. (I have been removing myself from his world since last October, mostly quite successfully and grown heaps). Although on some level I have wanted the contact, “hoping” it would be of a healthy version, but of course it has not been, only a temptation of “come sleep with me” without all the other parts of responsibilty boundaries etc and of course not a match for what I truly want. So, his contact has felt more like torture, and really only about him. This is only destructive for me and so I told him I cannot handle hearing from him in this way, and to please stop texting, and leave me be! I KNOW this is the best thing for ME to do, yet it initially feels soooo horrible on a deep level….why is this so??? I actually love him yet understand he doesn’t love me in the same way and not sure if he really is capable of doing so (just like you wrote about Jane & Craig). I’m doing great and have stuck to my guns but why do I feel sooo awful???

  • mcneill_simone@yahoo.com.au'
    Simone
    March 4, 2012

    Hi Melanie
    Ive been receiving your texts for a while now and im so glad. I have separated from my very verbally abusive husband who i now know has done it all before. I currently live separately to him but still in our home. Circumstances prevent me from moving out. My husband wont even though hes got two girlfriends. Im praying for our house to sell.
    That will happen and in the meantime ive learnt not to converse with him as he manipulates everything i say.
    Im in a good job and know i will be ok and everytime i weaken because im so tired i read yr emails and i see my reality and get back to getting on with things. I will never let him control me again so thankyou.
    Simone 🙂

  • mypinkhouse@bigpond.com'
    Val
    March 4, 2012

    Hi Sharon,
    I know exactly what you mean about losing yourself.!!
    The great thing is that yes, you have found a place to start. This place is like a home base that is always here and you can always find what you need to uplift you. Read an article, listen to a radio program, read other peoples stories and you know you are amongst many friends.
    I got to love journalling; the 11/11’s (see articles for the lowdown) and the Empowered Self E Course was life changing for me…
    Have fun with it; it becomes fun after a while even though it hurts at first…
    Best wishes,
    Val

  • monika_parzych@hotmail.com'
    Monika
    March 5, 2012

    Hi Melanie,

    Thank you for this great stuff! Through posting these factual stories, you really get the message across and help people to visualise their responsibities in life!

    Very best wishes,
    Monika

  • lusalight5@gmail.com'
    Lucita
    March 5, 2012

    I can relate to Melinda’s story. I use affirmations and prayers to cut free cords that seem like octopus tentacles attacking me.

    I feel lonely. And at times my temptation is why not just call and talk to the guy. But I stop myself, knowing I will just reinforce what I don’t want instead of what I want. I will be undermining myself.

  • lilltorill.andersen@gmail.com'
    Lill
    March 5, 2012

    I was growing up adjusting and adjusting, in hope of having my needs met- needs that was in many ways and over time denied as unreal.. and I did not handle that well at all; brought the pattern with me into relationships as I grew up. Story is classic I realize; I ended up worn out after x years living like that, and went through phases where accusing the world around me being the reason of my problems was center cause, finally grasping the truth and starting taking the responsibility for myself and REALLY growing up now, learning to take care of myself. It is never too late, and life is good! 🙂

    Thank you for the blog, it is a great support!

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 6, 2012

    Hi Caroline, absolutely to ‘get it all’ we have to be prepared to ‘lose it all’ – that is the classic ‘truth’ of boundaries! You are more than welcome – Melanie x

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 6, 2012

    Val, that is so true that when you have lived in environments where your preferences were never recognised let alone encouraged – it truly is about creating and establishing a sense of self. It is so wonderful that you are doing this – and now know how to do this! Mel 🙂 xx

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 6, 2012

    Sharon and Lil, truly when you do start creating ‘you’ a whole incredible reality becomes avaliable – in fact everything is…because you are the ‘creator’…Mel x

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 6, 2012

    Hi Kellie,

    your reality is ‘now’ and there are no mistakes…great that you are really understanding how to be aligned with commanding (creating) your truth. The laws of life do dictate that life MUST follow your lead. Happy commanding! Mel xx

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 6, 2012

    Hi Simone,

    keep strong, and focused on your truth – which he is not a match for…yes by being true to you everything will fall into place – absolutely. But always remember honour yourself first and foremost – even if that did necessitate finding a solution to move out. Mel x

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 6, 2012

    Monika and Lill you are more than welcome! xx

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jc
    April 14, 2012

    Hi Melanie,

    I hope you read this but I may be too late for you to reply but here goes;
    Have left my N relationship 4 months ago, feeling better and starting to really work on myself feeling better.
    I moved in with my mum who helped me so much, we have always been close and now we share so much. My concern is this; mum is a smoker and I have tried to be assertive with her, take command in talking to her nicely about the negative effects her habit is having on me. She smokes outside but enters the house too soon after butting out the cig, so brings in the trail of smoke wirh her. It stinks! and worst of all, my sinuses and as I’m a cronic asthmatic from childhood flares it up too. Every time I have tried talking, it is like talking to a high end Narc in that no matter how I approach it she attacks me, gets defensive and it keeps happening. I am so sad as trying to find myself and my truth about my needs but no approach seems to be working. Mum is also an asthmatic which I find ridiculous that she would smoke at all! I know it’s her stuff but how can I step out of her stuff, knowing it is having a direct effect on my health? God knows I am trying to do so much work for myself and feel like it is a never ending cycle if abuse. Smoking is abusive to others, i do believe that. She is a wonderful person, not narcissistic but this is really testing me again. What can I do? JC

  • Melanie
    April 16, 2012

    HI Jacqui,

    That’s great that you’re feeling better!

    Yes a difficult one indeed….re your Mum

    Truly Jacqui, we don’t have any power over other people. And the fact is it is your Mum’s addiction and her house, and therefore you can choose to distance yourself from her smoking or become more accepting of it….

    Also when we take the judgement off the people we love, and start seeing them as finding their way to their healing they start doing so. If we challenge them and create resistance around their addiction we only force them into the addiction harder – truly.

    I learnt this valuable lesson with my son when I was trying to control and stop his addictions, for my sanity, wellbeing and of course for his – it only made matters worse.

    When I created boundaries – separated from his addictions, and no longer allowed them in my living space at my home, and starting sending him love and believing in him, and ‘seeing’ and ‘feeling’ him become healthy – that is exactly what started to take place.

    He is now addiction free..

    Jacqui, we actually have to let go and do the exact opposite of what we think will work. The more you are focused on ‘I don’t like it’ – the more you are energetically saying ‘yes’ to it.This is demanding, not commanding which is ‘COME AND come up into my positive energy with me, if you choose to’

    Hope this helps! Mel x

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    jac
    April 16, 2012

    Thanks Mel, Even though I leave her alone, I share a house where my space is in the same rooms as her space. My work area is our art studio together and I am exposed to it all day if home. Mum complains about her health, but won’t do anything to help herself, so I hear her complaining all the time, even justifying going out for a smoke. I gave up getting involved with her addiction a long time ago, ‘physically’ in her space or ‘demanding’ but in my mind I understand I am still ‘involved’ and it has consumed me as I feel anxious and even resent her for polluting my environment, not to mention harming herself. It is now time to work harder and let go, step out of her zone as far as ‘thinking’ too much about it goes and even though I don’t like doing this, as it is not right, I have to ‘put up with’ the toxins I am breathing in every day and hope that my ‘positive’ energy ‘feeling’ the love, will help her. Thanks again and time to go out now and ‘breath fresh mountain air’! 🙂

  • Melanie
    April 16, 2012

    Hi Jac, lovely….definetely try that!!! And ultimately if you can’t detach, then it may be time to say “I can’t live with you and cigarettes” if you truly can’t and then you would have to split and move on from living together, because then you could create a smoke free environment more to your liking…..but see if you can detach, and let go as much as you can the resentment….yes focus on the love and her finding her way….remember ‘resentment’ only attract ‘more of that’, and the aim if you live together or not is to be resentment free xx

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jc
    April 16, 2012

    Thanks again Mel and I have already tiday let ho of negative feelings, resentments and the like as mum is really such an amazing person with me always her main concern. The fact she goes outside to smoke shiws me she really is trying. I think what us happening to me at the moment is it has been so soon after horrific abuse and I have been projecting some if that hurt and anger onto my mother, even if I don’t abuse her or cause her any stress, i think it and feel anger which is not me ar all. There us ‘fear’ there too in that I want her to be well. So detached I am and it does feel better. I care but I can focus on getting better now, for me. We cant help people if we can’t help ourselves first. Jac x

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jc
    April 16, 2012

    Ooops! My ‘typos’ are terrible! Trying to type from an iPhone 🙂 Hope it makes sense.
    I will add one more thing when we are ‘strained’ and ‘annoyed’ whatever the feeling is at the time, it does create negative ‘actions’ which mum was sensing as when I got home from my mountain walk- it has disolved and I got home with mum’s spirit picking up considerably! She would have sensed the negative energy coming from me earlier. We had a laugh and I felt happy to see her happy. I didn’t even notice the tabacco smell as much as my focus was off it.
    Having people we love with us is a gift and mum and I share something not a lot of people can with their parents. Shifting our thoughts, therefore our feelings do change. I felt so sorry for thinking like I was earlier and if I had of kept it up, it may have pushed our relationship apart. That is something Narcs do, which I am definately not! XJac

  • Melanie
    April 17, 2012

    Gorgeous Jac! This is exactly the way to go! Beautiful stuff……xx

  • arlinejernigan67@gmail.com'
    arline
    August 9, 2015

    Hi Mel, How can I connect with you privately? I rally REALLY need some support with the NARP work. I am feeling frustrated, because I don’t know if I am doing it right. I can’t get a clear age EVER, I feel so angry and raw.

    Arline

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