I really want you to understand this question and think about it.
It’s vital – because there is a huge difference.
We all have needs, and we all want them met. Some people who don’t believe they deserve to have their needs met say nothing, they just simply go along with their life, internalise the pain and choose to accept a ‘less than’ experience.
For some people this is unbearable and they simply can’t do that…which truly is a good thing.
However there are ways to get your needs met, and there is sure fire ways how not to get your needs met.
I’m going to work backwards with you on this, by first of all giving you some synonyms that describe commanding and demanding.
- Being aligned with your truth
- Not believing that other people create your truth
- I use ‘I’ statements rather that ‘you’ statements
- Not accepting second best
- If you need time to think about that – think about it in your own time
- I inspire love, respect and commitment
- I create who I am (in the positive)
- I won’t accept being who I am not (what I have decided I don’t want)
- Being out of centre and personal power
- Believing that other people create your truth
- I use ‘you’ statements instead of ‘I’ statements
- I accept second, third best or even worse
- Yes you can stay with me whilst you think about this
- I create lack of love, respect and commitment
- I create who I am (in the negative)
- I accept being who I am not (what I have decided I don’t want)
To simplify this even further – when you command, you are being and creating what you want. When you demand you are not doing this.
Commanding is powerful, demanding is powerless.
Commanding brings to you what you desire, demanding pushes it further away.
How Not To Get Your Needs Met
Pamela and Bill:
Pamela is dating Bill and is deeply unhappy. At the start of their relationship everything seemed great. But she noticed he was spending more times with his friends and less time with her. His attentiveness was dropping away, and her anxiety was increasing. The relationship was not moving forward into something more solid for her, it seemed to be moving backwards.
This was not what she had signed up for!
Her talks with him about wanting more time with him, were met with “I don’t want to rush things”…yet they had been dating for some months now.
Pamela had been trying to give him space and time, yet things weren’t changing and as every day went on she was feeling more and more distance from Bill.
Because her anxiety has reached unbearable levels, one night she blurts out to him on the phone, “I don’t get enough time with you! I don’t think you really want to be with me…do you even want this relationship?”
There is a deathly silence on the other end of the phone. Bill makes an excuse to go. Pamela is left feeling devastated. She doesn’t hear from Bill all that week. He calls her on Friday night and asks if she wants him to cover over. She says “Yes”.
Friday night she brings up her concerns to him again, and he says “I’m not sure, I just need more time”. They share a bed that night and make love, and afterwards Pamela rolls over and cries herself to sleep, she doesn’t feel at peace, and in fact the pain is even worse.
Amanda and Geoff:
Amanda and Geoff have been married for three years. Geoff has a drinking problem and has been fired again from another job.
Amanda is gutted, because again she is going to have to carry the expenses and try to get him motivated enough to get a new job. She is angry, feels betrayed and is sick of his broken promises. She cries and yells that night, and she threatens to leave him if he doesn’t clean his act up.
Geoff makes excuses, he tries to blame his boss, and then when Amanda won’t accept his excuses he blusters “If it wasn’t for you always yelling at me I wouldn’t need to drink!”
In sheer desperation Amanda leaves the house and drives to her friend’s house where she rants, raves and breaks down into tears.
Amanda goes home and tells Bill he has a month to clean himself up, stop drinking and get another job. Bill says to himself “Yeah, whatever…” because he knows she doesn’t mean it.
The saddest thing is Amanda knows she doesn’t mean it, she has threatened this three times already during the last year.
How To Get Your Needs Met
Jane and Craig:
Jane dated Craig for 1 year, knowing he had relationship fears as a result of a terrible divorce. He broke up with her and she was devastated. Nearly a year later he got in contact with her, said he missed her and wanted to restart the relationship.
Jane has been working on herself, she realises that she has had the past relationship patterns of giving more than she receives, and being with men who do not reciprocate the levels of love that she feels or grants. She knew that in her previous relationship with Craig that she has set herself up for yet another painful relationship where her needs were not met.
She realised that this is her unhealed pattern and that only she is responsible for healing it. She knew what she had to do. She met with Craig and mustered up the courage to speak calmly, and say “Craig, I’ve been doing some thinking about us. I know how much I care for you, and that I do love you, but I have also realised that in previous relationships I did not love myself enough to know what I deserve. I know I need to be in a relationship where someone else is as emotionally invested and connected to me as I am to them. Because if it’s not like that I’m not going to be in a relationship with that person, I need to honour me, and I need to live MY truth.”
Craig replies after some silence “Okay I hear you – can I think about it?” Jane says “Yes, absolutely. Please do and let me know what you’d like to do. I’ll leave you with that, and I think I’ll go”. She gives him a light kiss on the cheek and leaves.
Jane goes home, cries, feels the pain and the fear of possibly losing Craig again, however she knows this is what she needs to do! As each day goes by she still feels the pain and the fear of abandonment, not being lovable enough for Craig to really want her – but even through all of this pain she KNOWS she must love and respect herself first. She also knows that if Craig does not step up she will absolutely NEVER AGAIN continue in a new relationship where someone is not connected to and invested in it with her.
One week later, there is a ring on her doorbell. She answers the door to Craig with champagne, chocolates and flowers in his hand. He smiles, dimples and all, and says two simple words….. “I’m in!”
Mary and Gary:
Mary has been living for 15 years with her alcoholic husband Gary. Until recently she has been focused on him being the one with the problem, and only in the last few months has she realised that she has needed to take her focus off him and put it firmly on herself.
By digging deep in healing sessions Mary has realised that her childhood was fraught with abuse, not getting her needs met and trying to adapt to survive. She realised that she has a high level of tolerance to inappropriate behaviour and that her boundary function is very poor.
Mary knew that waiting for Gary to sober up and get well equalled her not taking responsibility for her own life. So Mary told Gary to leave, and that she was no longer going to live with an alcoholic – period.
He exclaimed “I will get sober!!”
Mary declared “You’re not right now so leave!”
Gary left and moved in with a friend. He kept drinking believing that Mary would change her mind, and ask him back. Mary didn’t waver, she kept working on herself, created an alcohol free environment and started to invite friends over to enjoy a healthy and happy life.
She missed him, still loved him, but the relief of having control over her own life was incredible, and she was willing to stand up for that with or without him.
After 3 months Gary realised she wasn’t going to ask him home on her own accord. He met up with her begging and pleading. She again said “No”. Gary then hit rock bottom, had an argument with his friend, got kicked out and had to move into a caravan park. He pleaded again with Mary to come home.
She still said “No”.
Gary then went to AA, and got sober.
It took him 6 months after his first AA meeting to convince Mary he was a changed man, and he did everything in his power to do that, over and above the call of duty.
Now 20 years later he is a wonderful husband to Mary, a devoted father and grandfather and is a speaker at AA meetings each week.
I hope this article says it all for you…
Yes these last two stories, which are factual (the names have been changed), did have wonderful and happy endings, in that these men stepped up. But you know, even if they had not, these women recognised their old relationship patterns that were allowing and causing pain, took responsibility and created strong and healthy boundaries in alignment with what they wished to receive.
Therefore Life was always going to provide them their match…
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