Many of you might be horrified or even feel traumatised because your children don’t know the truth about the narcissist.
You may even feel that your child is unprotected because they don’t know the real truth of what’s going on.
But the question is, how do you help your children awaken to their own solid, calm and empowered truth?
If you have been smeared, discredited, abused and devastated or are facing the ravages of parental alienation tactics by the narcissist, let me share with you how I confronted these actions and turned my relationship with my son around, in this Thriver TV episode.
Video Transcript
I know that many of you are horrified about your children not discovering the truth about the narcissist.
You may feel that your child is unprotected because they don’t know the truth.
It’s also very normal for you to feel heartbroken that they don’t realise what happened to you and what you’re going through as a result of being narcissistically abused.
You could be traumatised about the possibility of your child even being groomed into becoming a narcissist themselves.
These are all very frightening possibilities, and that’s why I wanted to bring this Thriver TV episode to you today.
Before I do, I just wanted to remind you again that my You Can Thrive One-Day global live on-line event is happening tomorrow. No matter where you are in the world, I would love for you to join me so that I can help you break free in extraordinary ways in this event.
So, come with me tomorrow, it’s now your last chance today to join, to access relief and clarity and get your power back by clicking this link.
Okay, now let’s get on to this very important and sensitive topic about your children.
Your Child’s Inner Barometer
I really want you to understand that our children are incredible beings. I believe that they are much more naturally evolved than us.
They know when certain things don’t feel right in the body. They are much less likely to defer to the analytical justifications and rationale that dismiss one’s Inner Being than we are.
I believe it is our job to help our children self-partner and become their own empowered sovereign being. The way that we can do this, is to lead the way by becoming this ourselves.
Sadly, as parents we can be guilty of doing what our parents did to us, lie to our children to try to protect them.
My son Zac used to ask me what was wrong because he could feel it, and I would tell l him that nothing was wrong. I thought this was the right thing to do. But what I was really doing was teaching him to dismiss his own inner gut truths.
As his parent arguably I was his authority, and so it was my responsibility to mirror back to him how on track he was within himself. Yet, what I was teaching him was what I had been taught: that intuition is wrong, that it’s OK to dismiss inner gut feelings, self-abandon, and listen to somebody else’s authority and truth instead.
So many of us when we got involved with narcissistic abuse, did not trust our inner feelings and warnings. We dismissed things when they felt edgy, off and even shocking, and kept going along with a false narrative because our mind made up all sorts of justifications and excuses. And, because we couldn’t align with and trust ourselves, we were talked out of our boundaries and rights to investigate the facts relating to our inner knowing.
I can’t stress enough how important it is to be truthful to your child, of course, age appropriately.
You don’t need to tell them everything that is going on and project that all over them, but don’t lie if things aren’t good. If you are down and not feeling well, be honest about it.
Grant your child the confirmation that he or she is on track with what they are sensing about you. It is far less damaging to your child to have confirmation of what they are sensing than for him or her to believe that their inner cues are incorrect.
I hope you realise that you don’t want your child to grow up with a defunct and untrustworthy internal compass, which makes them highly susceptible to being controlled, manipulated and abused by others.
Okay so how do you let your child understand the truth?
Live The Truth Yourself
So many parents ask me, “When will my child learn the truth about the narcissist?”
My answer to that is, “When you heal yourself and become a solid, calm, empowered truth in your child’s life.”
Then, your child will awaken to their own solid, calm and empowered truth without you having to do anything to try to force them to “get the truth”. Rather, you are simply living it.
When I was smeared, discredited, abused and devastated and tried to get my son to see what the narcissist was doing, all of my efforts failed. Zac was repelled by my victimised, distraught and insistent behaviour.
He didn’t believe me. Rather, he was gravitating towards the other authority figure in his life who felt “saner” and “safer” – the narcissist.
I was seriously at risk of having my son alienated and turned against me.
Thank goodness, I realised that I could not force him to see the truth to try to make myself feel better. I had to make myself feel better. I had to heal and release my trauma and become healthy and calm, leading the way, firstly for myself and then as the conscious and evolutionary figure in his life.
I started being truthful about my breakdown and my traumas, and that my greatest responsibility to myself and for him was to heal my traumas. I didn’t play the victim about my traumas, I let my son know that this was a necessary evolutionary time in my life, for me to heal and become the whole person that I knew I could be.
When I took responsibility for my own emotions and life, he started to feel safe. It gave him incredible comfort.
I told him when I was going into my bedroom to face and release the traumas with NARP, that were wedged inside of me. He heard me cry, he saw me be incredibly real, wounds and warts and all.
This was such a relief to him, that I was being real with myself and I was being real with him.
He started to become real with himself and me.
As I healed, he healed. He followed where I went.
Then as my wisdom and power emerged, so did his. He saw things clearly. He “got” the truth. Everything fell into place for him, and all the pieces added up.
All of this just happened without me telling him or needing him to understand. I didn’t need his validation or for him to get it, I had already received all of that closure and partnering within myself.
This is the thing … the important people in your life who you want to know the truth will become at one with it when you become at one with yourself.
Okay, if you are a parent and this is resonating with you, I want you to pause this video and make the powerful declaration, “I will lead the way for my child(ren)!”
Truly, there is no more powerful solution for your child’s awakening than that. Again and again, I have seen the clear indisputable evidence occur with the children of Thrivers when their parent does the inner work with NARP.
And it only needs to be one parent. You have no control over what the narcissistic parent does or doesn’t do. This is about you doing what needs to be done.
Just as Zac did, Thriver’s children undergo an organic evolutionary process of coming into the peace and power that we model for them.
If You Are Alienated From Your Child
I know that many of you have suffered this incredible trauma, and my heart goes out to you … so much. Words can’t even begin to describe how terribly disturbing and painful this is for a parent to go through.
I know that many of you have courageously, against all trauma odds, been working at releasing this soul trauma with NARP moduling. Over the years, I have seen the most beautiful reuniting happen even after decades, and even with multiple generations, as a result of people doing the inner work with NARP.
This has been an incredible blessing for many people, yet the truth is there is no guarantee of a reunion with your estranged children, but what can happen is relief from the horrific trauma that child alienation brings. And it makes my heart and soul happy that NARP can work to relieve such a trauma.
I truly hope that you have received the message today, that your children believing you and knowing the truth about the narcissist, can only usually come after you make the full dedication to heal yourself first.
I hope that you can feel this deeply in your body as truth.
And I’d also love to encourage you to look up my other resources in regard to being alienated from your child if this is what you have suffered, as well as all other resources I offer about “our children”. All you need to do is google my name and these topics, and they will come up.
I so hope that they can help.
And I’d love to help you connect to your healing up and out of the trauma and into your true light, calm and solidness for not just your child but also their future generations to help break these terrible cycles of abuse.
And remember, tomorrow is my global, never before done, one-day You Can Thrive event coming up, which will connect you to my inner transformational resources and information, to shift you up and out of abuse and into the life that you were born to live.
I can’t wait to help you with my healing tools. So, grab your last day digital pass for tomorrow by clicking this link.
And as always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.
Melanie this is beautiful, I am finally getting it! My daughter and I are not talking but that’s okay. I need to get it!
Hi Luisa,
I am so happy for you.
Love and hugs to you!
Mel 🙏💕💚
My husband told my children I didn’t love them. I moved to California because I was living in my car and needed to live with my parents. Now he had a new wife. He has proceeded to kick out all of my children to make way for his new family. He evicted my 20 year old during corona virus.
I’ve been sending them money and even bought my daughter who was homeless a car. I’ve been waiting to these moments . I need to show my daughters they can overcome and heal. For years they were his flying monkeys and now they are beginning to see what really happened to me is what is happening to them.
Hi Cindy,
congratulations for being so strong and overcoming and healing. And for continuing to love your daughters.
It is huge…
Sending you and your daughter’s love and blessings
Mel 🙏💕💚
I left the narc after 28 years of marriage. I stayed that long until the last of my 4 kids turned 18. I knew that they would be used as leverage for the narc to control me. My oldest son was the one that got abused the most besides me. He told me for years that i need to get divorced. The next oldest felt bad for the narc. So she gave him a steady dose of supply and cut me out of her life.. And my last two (twins) packed their bags, as soon as i said i was leaving, and came with me. They never said anything about their dad. But i knew they saw plenty without me telling them anything. And watching me finally take back control of my life meant we were on the road to the path of peace. My twins and i in a new house now. We named it The Freedom House!!
Hi Julien,
I am so pleased that you have had that breakthrough!
And many blessing and much love to you and your sons
Mel 🙏💕💚
That had to be so hard, Julien. Twenty-eight years is a long time to endure that pain. I only have one child who is now 16. The way things evolved in my marriage, I didn’t figure it out until after 18 years. My daughter says that if I had figured it out before then, that we probably wouldn’t have the tremendous relationship we have now. I left after 18 years, but I only have the one child. I wonder if I would’ve stayed if I had more children. I love THE FREEDOM HOUSE!!! If you don’t mind, I may use this for mine once my husband leaves at the end of October!
Wow!!! It’s incredible to me, just how very similar your life, reflects my own… it’s astounding how most all of the stories I have read about on this and other Narc sites, truly are!!!
I was married 14 years, to my Covert Narcissistic/ Anti-Social Personality Disorder, Ex.
I was COMPLETELY clueless to either personality disorder, their characteristics, behaviors, etc. I spent the first 2-3 years completely in love with who he made me believe he was. When we met, I was 18 he was 26.
I was recently told that I would never be able to have children, which was COMPLETELY DEVASTATING to me, as I LOVED children and could not imagine a life without having my own children!!!
Ironically, he had a 6 month old ADORABLE son, and that certainly helped him with the love bombing phase. We were together about 2 years when I found out I was pregnant with our oldest daughter, as you can imagine I was ELATED!!!! Defeating the Dr’s prognosis, I first gave God the Glory, and then somehow took my pregnancy, as a “sign” that we were “meant to be “….
we married, and within the first three years of marriage, he had gradually moved me about 65 -100 miles away from the areas I’d lived my entire life, which was no more than 20 minutes from any of my siblings, or either of my parents, or my friends. He got us a beautiful home, I chose everything from paint colors to furniture to every rug, it was surreal!!! At that time, we had custody of his son, who was 6(no contact with his mom in six years, so I was Mommy, still am) our daughter 4, and our 3rd child was about 9 months. We were becoming ALL I had ever hoped for…. he started saying he wanted me to be a stay at home mom, painting this “Little House on the Prairie” visual, etc. I refused at first, I wasn’t comfortable with quitting my job, although I didn’t really know what exactly was causing my apprehension, I just didn’t want to stop working. Of course, he got to know our neighbors quickly and rather comfortably, we started going to church with one of them (which he had never been interested in before) and within a month or so, we were all spending a great deal of time together. In which time, he started casually mentioning his wanting me to stay home in front of church members and neighbors and our kids… eventually, all the kids excitement of the idea, and the harmless comments from others, I decided to quit my job.
HUGE MISTAKE!!!!
Within six months I was completely cut off from any say in our financial situation, I only had access to what he saw fit to extend me in cash. No credit cards or joint account etc! He had become physically abusive, he was paranoid, started listening to my phone calls, even recording my calls… he had countless affairs, did terrible twisted things just to hurt me, was the “perfect father and husband “ as long as there was an audience, but the moment we were behind closed doors, he barely acknowledged the kids at all unless he was pissed off at them, he expected me to wait on him hand and foot, he did NOTHING to contribute to our home or our family!!!! By the time I actually had the courage to leave him, he had gotten THREE other women pregnant within months of each other and within months of our youngest child was born. We have five children total. I left and took the kids, including my step son. He tried to get me to come back, threatening to never let me see my stepson, he was going to take custody of our kids, cut us off financially, etc… when I didn’t give in and go back, he went to the court and got a restraining order against me, forbidding me to be on our property, and accused me of everything he was… he was granted a temp order until we could appear in court and let a judge decide. While awaiting court, he stopped paying the bills and abandoned the house, yet never told me and allowed EVERYTHING of mine and our children’s was thrown in the streets…. he disappeared for two and half years with almost no contact, no child support, no phone calls to check on the kids, NOTHING!!! He had moved onto a new life with his most naive mistress and their new baby…. he was finally arrested for child abandonment among other criminal charges unrelated to me, and I was able to serve him with divorce papers. After 18 horrific months, we were divorced. He still had almost nothing to do with our kids, no visitation no involvement and paid just enough of his court ordered child support to keep him out of jail. We lived with my brother and his family for three years, I never got counseling or did anything to help me heal from our life with him, I thought leaving was enough, and I was a single mom of 5 kids 2-12 years old, and two jobs… I didn’t have time to seek help or even realize I needed it! After three years, the kids and I were able to get our own home, GREATEST DAY OF OUR LIVES!!! I was able to maintain it for three more years. I had NEVER lived on my own, solely responsible for everything and raising five kids alone, with school, dr appointments, working as many hours as possible to sustain our lives plus all of the things that come with all of the above.. grass cutting, cleaning, laundry, etc… I had begun seeing someone and was completely in love with him and he with me, my ex husband was tormenting me with not paying child support, not showing up for scheduled visitation just to interrupt whatever I had going on, sending DFACS to my house with bogus accusations, telling the kids mountains of lies, lavishing them with gifts, yet withholding child support he knew very well was crucial to sustaining our home…. eventually I became worn down , exhausted, depressed, overwhelmed, had anxiety attack and all of which was affecting every aspect of my life, our lives! I began having a few drinks at night, to “take the edge off “ help me sleep or just to calm my anxiety enough to manage my daily evening responsibilities. Which started to build over the next six months, during which time it was mid October and I was laid off and was having a rough patch in my love relationship, which was devastating… my few drinks slowly but surely turned into borderline alcoholic behavior, and within four months of unemployment, I was losing our home!!! I had no job, no resources, no help and no where to go! I took my children to my brothers home once again, but I wasn’t able to live there this time, as my alcohol use was what everyone in my family judged to be the sole cause of the unraveling of my life! I admit it certainly contributed, majorly in the very end, but it was certainly not the main nor only cause!!! Nevertheless, I was judged by my family harshly, very harshly, nevertheless. I had only planned or even thought that I would be able to get my life back together and my kids and I back into a home and together again. However, I was unable to find a job that was in my field, or making any substantial wage, and after 8 months I was very discouraged and began feeling hopeless and distraught, and began drinking again and even more. I was completely alone and living in my car, I had NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF!!! I tried to begin counseling but with ZERO COPING SKILLS and a narc mother and father and dysfunctional childhood, and adult life, I didn’t know where to start. Once I actually met with a therapist, I went three or four times, and left there feeling suicidal, defeated, alone, lost, ashamed and more and more ALONE!!! I could not deal with it, I was “better off “ in my mind, with what I was able to assess at that time, by not getting counseling, I was more functional when I was not getting therapy. Holding on by a very thin thread. So I would drink, in my car alone trying to pass the time alone until it was time for sleep and then work. I ended up getting a DUI lost my license, car, (my house at the time) job, and my brother then wanted me to sign over temporary guardianship for my kids. Which I still had full custody at this time. I decided to give him guardianship, and go into a treatment program. Once, I did go into a program, wouldn’t you just know, that all of the sudden my ex husband, starts getting the kids for visitation, paying them child support consistently, helping with school clothes, taking them for haircuts or doctors appointments (HE HAS NEVER TAKEN THEM TO A SINGLE APPOINTMENT EVER BEFORE) becoming the “ideal parent and ex husband “ for the appearance to both my family and most importantly to our kids, like I WAS/AM the problem and “crazy/unstable “ one!!!
I completed my year long program, I am sober, working, living with my mom, and finally getting my youngest two kids for weekend visitation etc. we have been in counseling for about a year now as well. My three youngest kids and I. My oldest son ( my stepson) is 22, with his own family and we have a good relationship. He has minimal contact with his dad. Our 20 old daughter hasn’t spoken to me in 17 months now. Our 16 year old son is in counseling with us, but doesn’t really come to visit with me, he has a job school and he is a teenager but nonetheless he does go spend the weekend with his dad occasionally. Of course, I live with my mom and aunt and it’s small with no video games or much to do but it still hurts my feelings. My youngest daughter 13, has been spending a lot more time with me lately, which is amazing! My youngest son 11, comes to see me once or twice a month but doesn’t usually spend the night. Again, no video games so I know that has a lot to do with it.
But I can’t help but think about it all sometimes, and be in complete disbelief at the way it’s all unraveling…. I did EVERYTHING I could to provide, love, support, care for and guide my children and he did NOTHING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR TWENTY YEARS….. and he sees them more than I do….. he smears me and everything about me to them, makes up terrible lies, and yet they don’t see it…
this article really gave me hope…. that it will all work out the way it should in the end. I know now, from counseling, the program, my relationship with God, my sponsor, and finally myself, that this article is the TRUTH!!!
Thank you for sharing!
Please pray for me and my children. ❤️
My daughter is well and truly alienated. She is 13. I know that she has experienced my trauma through her dad’s DV. He has positioned distress as aggression. I am working through uncoupling the trauma response for court.Hopefully this will get the court to back my daughter at least spend some time with me so that she can see the work I am doing on my distress. I have always tried to be real with my daughter, but court and social workers have covered his abuse up as historical. I am hoping my work through NARP will help me live with the consequences whatever they are. It is enlightening to see how many of my choices in life have been as a result of being trained into victimhood. Thank you for your work Melanie, see you on the course tomorrow.
Brilliant Melanie. I read your articles relating to children last year when I was desperately seeking for some truth, wisdom and guidance on how to deal with impact of my ex’s behaviour towards m 7 yr old and the trauma that was effecting me and therefore her.
I’m so grateful to have learnt the truth from you that the children CAN be okay, and that by healing myself she would heal too. I got such confidence from knowing this and things are really different for us now. I no longer feel ‘stuck’ in a dilemma about how to support her. Your articles were a turning point for us. For years I was stuck and traumatised over the fact that I couldn’t do anything to make him into a healthier father for her but with your advice I was able to let that go, and TRUST that we would be okay despite him not being what I wished for him to be.
Big thanks Mel, reading your articles relating to children and doing your 16 day course were BIG gamechangers for me. Il always be grateful to you xxxxxxxxxx
Hi Sarah,
I’m so glad this resonated with you!
I love that you are leading the way for your daughter, and being such an inspirational model to her to not create dependencies with people who can’t be depended upon!
Much love to you both!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Dear Mel,
I am narping regularly. Hard work indeed, but the progress I make is so worth it!! Totally!! Plus I have seen this week how my healing progress positively impacts on my children.
For really breaking free from the narc I need a divorce and we have to sell the house. Leaving the house is not a problem for myself, I am shifting out ego. I can already feel that I do not need “stuff” any more. A small appartment will be very okay on my side.
But it is so different for the children. This house is the only home the kids know and they truly love it. They are immensely bonded to this house and the sourroundings for several reasons. They will not understand why we have to leave. I fear they will hate me for this.
To be even more precise: I feel I have to traumatize my children in order to be able to carry on with my own healing journey.
Will I or can I do a proxy on that afterwards? Or what else would you advise?
Lots of love to you and Tiggy
Bee
PS: I cant join in on the meeting tomorrow as I have no space to break free. All the best for the event! Good luck.
Hi Bee,
I’m so thrilled for you that you are breaking through with NARP!
I really want you to know Bee, the what you are feeling is completely and utterly understandable, yet if you get okay with putting one’s soul and development and truth first, I promise you that your children will follow.
My suggestion to you is to clean out what you are feeling regarding your children with NARP modules, and you will see that your children, because you get it and are okay with it, will be also. Truly. Where you go emotionally is where they will follow. You will see!
Thank you for your love to myself and Tiggy, and thank you for your blessings and well-wishes for my event today.
Much love to you always
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you Melanie, really powerful and helpful. It will make a difference in my life.
Hi Miriam,
it’s my pleasure!
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Our two children, without knowing it, have observed my gradual decline for the last 20 years of a 28 year marriage to an extremely passive aggressive Covert Narcissist. He is highly intelligent and is loved and adored by everyone in our church, his parents and ten siblings, his huge extended family, and by all of his patients and employees and countless friends and doting acquaintances. He is a well-known plastic surgeon. I used to sing on Broadway, but then sacrificed my successful career to marry this man who makes it seem like he supports me in every way, yet for 27 years sucked the very life out of me, made me feel completely inferior, gave me the silent treatment for weeks and months at a time, criticized me endlessly, sexually tormented me, and isolated me from my family and friends who love me. He made it seem like I had a say, but ultimately controlled everything. We never had real conversations or actual “give and take.” Anytime we talked it was more like him giving me a “lecture,” usually ending with me apologizing and crying as if everything was always my fault. He even talked me into not having my name on our main bank accounts so he could control the money- to “protect our future.” He’s admitted to not allowing me to know how much money he really makes. These things are just the tip of the iceberg.
About one and a half years ago, after he had given me the silent treatment for 9 months, I was in the act of committing suicide, but in a moment of clarity, stopped. I knew I had to leave him if I wanted to live. After I told him I couldn’t continue, he seemed to respond kindly. It even seemed like he wanted to reconcile, but within a few days the rage he could barely hold in was one of the most frightening things I’ve ever experienced. I was basically afraid of him and walking on eggshells for most of our marriage, but at that time, I could feel him wanting to kill me, the hatred was palpable. I locked my door at night until he finally moved out, which took another whole year. Our children didn’t know what was happening. No one did.
That year was the most abusive of all the 27 years. In the beginning, we saw a counselor who my husband had convinced I was the problem. That therapist then proceeded to inflict more abuse. I had no idea what was happening, and begged God to let me at least understand. Then one day I was looking for a recipe on Youtube and saw a link about Covert Narcissists. I had no idea what that was and never would have thought my husband was a narcissist. He was too charitable and humble, he gave me too many compliments and gifts.
He has been programming our son and daughter, (in a way that makes it sound like he just feels sorry for me), for a long time, to believe that I am pathetic, overly sensitive, and deeply flawed, and that my depression and low functionality, are my fault. I never had depression until I married him. He blames it on the loss of my career, but I know now that’s not why I got depressed. He explains things to them in a way that makes it seem like he is being kind, that he is the victim of an unhappy marriage, that it was a mistake, and that I never really loved him. He is incredibly calm, professional, charming and genuine, and when he talks I believe everything he says, even when I know the things he’s saying about me aren’t true. He’s made our kids believe this divorce is my fault, yet he has hidden at least one affair with a younger female employee at his office. Looking back, I’m pretty sure there have been (at least) two other inappropriate relationships. I felt naive and stupid that I was so trusting. I loved him deeply and unconditionally.
I know he’s talked to our son, 22, and daughter, 19, a lot, and explained things in such a way that they believe him and won’t talk to me about the divorce at all. It’s as if they don’t believe there could be any other point of view besides the reality their dad has sold them.
I know I’ve been a good mom. Even their dad admits it. I did, and continue to do, everything I know to be there for my kids, but when I’m around them now I feel them judging me and criticizing me exactly how he did for all those years. I’m worried and hurt about their self-superior attitudes and disdain for me. When they’re around me, it’s like they are just barely able to tolerate me, and put on an “act” of being kind and patient as if their dad has told them I’m their mom and to be “nice.” I am a normal, intelligent, happy person, but no matter what I do, or how much I have healed, it’s like they can’t see me any other way than what their dad has made them believe I am. Sometimes I wonder if I need to go no contact with my own children, but they are at college so I don’t see them much anyway. They don’t call, and rarely text.
Though I know it isn’t necessary for my healing, is there any hope that they will ever really understand what has happened? Will I ever be allowed to speak the truth? Is there anything more I can do (besides healing) to help them not become narcissists themselves? I see their father’s tendencies in their behavior more and more.
We appeared to be the perfect couple for 27 years. There are only 4 or 5 people who really know (and believe) what’s happened. Even my kids don’t believe he’s done anything wrong. I’m completely isolated and most people are “taking his side.” I’ve been smeared by his (Narcissistic) family, and his flying monkeys of which there are many.
We live in California, and at the 6-month mark in our separation, he filed for “bifurcation.” This allows him to have a divorced “status” without any of the financial settlement done. He could drag this out forever, but he gets to date and remarry while controlling all the money.
I’m doing everything I can to be healthy and whole, and to thrive, but it seems like it’s taking SO LONG for me to “wake up” and be able to have motivation and energy. It’s hard figuring out who I am now and what I want, or even feel any hope for the future. I’m really trying, but there are many days that I just shut down and numb out, like I have no self-control. It’s been basically impossible around here to find a licensed therapist who understands Narcissistic Abuse and knows how to help.
So, Melanie, thank you for everything you do. It’s due to your program that I’ve been able to get through this refiner’s fire. If you have any specific advice about how to deal with my “adult” children I’d deeply appreciate it.
With Gratitude,
Candi
Hi Candi,
Sweetheart I really would love you to come into the NARP Members forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member so that we can grant you our love and support and suggestions to move through this and come out the other end.
You have done an incredible job so far getting to where you are, and the rest is there for you to claim. I’d love it if we can help you get there, with everything you speak about, including the healing with your children.
The NARP member’s forum is truly where you need to be!
Sending love and hugs to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Candi,
I can relate to every word. I was married 20 years, divorced now for 14 years. It has been painful watching my children go through the process of covert narcissistic abuse. The courts and psychologists certainly did not know anything about this at the time of my divorce, I almost totally lost my mind at one point he had turned some of my children, the courts, schools, the bank, my cousin and even my own layer against me. I fired her and got new counsel. I recall the day I “surrendered” realizing I had no control of anything except that moment in time, that day, and myself. I did read a book “The Language of Letting Go” that was like a mind massage:) I just saw my son who is my 3rd of 5 children (26yrs old) yesterday. He helped me install some plants for a friend. We had lunch and he opened up a little to me (He lives with his dad along with my 4th and 5th child mostly because of the house location and I believe he has sentimental attachment to the structure itself, he was trained to have that BTW) but what I heard was the truth finally being shed and he really wants to move out. I had nothing to do with this revelation, he just sees his father’s life and behavior and the mask is coming off because his dad is stressed out so he can only think of himself during those times, looses the control to pretend he is something else (the shoe drops). My son recently got a great job and he and my daughter have plans to get a place together. (She recently got a great job too so I feel very blessed they are doing well) I think this article has a lot of truth but the last 14 years have been many ups and downs for my recovery. I designed and built a new home and my 4th child seemed very resentful and turned my 5th child away from me, at the time had shared custody of him (14 years old) and he decided to live with his dad and her. I know the poison was the cause for this from him. I felt like I was sucked back into the trauma of 14 years ago. My children do come over most weekends to see me and it is weird, I can see when my Daughter gets it and then when she is confused. My youngest son seems close to me when he is here but not much communication otherwise. It is extremely difficult.
Some of the times that I can remember finally getting through to the professionals during my divorce was when I got solid, had my own job and house and he was still trying to make me out to be the one with all the problems. I sat there calmly as the tears rolled down my face at the psychologist office and said “Do you know what it is like to leave everything, your children, your home, your business, because you can’t take it anymore?” He looked at me and said, “No blood on the Wall” He finally got it. Then at the final divorce hearing my soon to be X was trying to spin that I was homosexual, (not that that should be a problem anyway) my lawyer was called into a back conference room and came out and said the Psychologist told him to stop it, I was too smart for this behavior. I realized this was the start to my recovery, that I just had to remember who I was and start living the life I wanted for me and my children. Many years of ups and downs but now I see my oldest three get it. My 4th is on the path but she has been parentified, her older brother is the golden child so this is frustrating for her, and alienated me and my youngest from me, he is the one I am most worried about, but I see her pulling out of this. All I can do is continue to show my youngest love, support his decision, and be there for him when I believe the “shoe will drop”. He is very close to his siblings so that is very comforting. The only control you have is how you live your life from here on out. Decide today to be happy and you must trust that setting the example for your children is very powerful, it takes a long time to undo the damage, I am on the other side and it does work. Every time you are with your kids, show them love, have fun and laugh, be genuine, and show them what living a normal happy life looks like. That is how you win this battle.
I hope you have a peaceful day.
Donna
I attended your workshop on Friday it was very good, Il learnt a lot, Thank you Mel. But on the day my narcissistic father. Who Il live with, came down early at the same time the workshop started and half way through the Internet connection went down so IMissed half an hour of the workshop I think it was my
narc father how would he know what I was doing? And also he follo ws me everywhere in spirit how can I stop him?
Hi Melanie,
After the n abuse and healing, I met this new man who seemed to be ok, at least in the beginning.
But everytime there is some argument, missunderstanding, or me being in any way “negative” or whatever reason, he has this habit to block my phone number. Then I cannot call him or send a message, because a blocked phone will reject them. It’s super annoying, because if I could easily clarify something, I absolutely cannot, if his phone is blocked. This has happened more than I have a heart to count. I have even tried to address this problem and explain how it makes me feel (very bad, obviously) and he still continues it. Otherwise he has been pretty normal and nowhere near as abusive as the n was! The block usually last some days or some weeks.
I have actually now decided to end this relationship with him (and I’m proud of myself!) because I’m tired and this situation just does not improve. I feel this block is…degrading.
When I try to talk with him abut this issue and even asked him what he think this block will solve (absolutely nothing, I say!!)…he always attacks me and starts to tell me “but YOU have done this and this thing too”. He becomes defensive. Of course I have said silly or argumentative things too, but the difference is…I’m not an abusive person. I do not intentionally say or do harmful things to others. I am responsible of my own behaviour. But I’m not responsible of his behaviour. No matter how “I am”, it is he who chooses to behave this way. Is this correct conclusion?
I think it is somewhat normal, that even normal people become defensive if they are being critisiced or accused about something (like bad behaviour). But it is difficult for me, especially after n abuse to draw to line, to know, what is considered “normal” and what crosses the line and already is abusive behaviour?
Hi Julia,
please note Julia that this is totally not healthy behaviour from him.
Julia hun we don’t have any control over anyone else or the ability to change their bad character and behaviour, but we do have the power to change what we will and won’t tolerate.
It’s great that you have decided to end this relationship. When somebody shows you who they are, believe it!
Now, to get really clear about this next time and never entertain it again, I can’t recommend my free webinar enough.
Much love, power and healing to you
What you accept is what you will get. This is not a person who is kind, decent or respectful. a decent person does not behave like this.
The real question sweetheart is, why are you accepting this as a love possibility in your life?
Hence, where the real healing and development needs to happen, for all of us, on our own patterns of accepting unacceptable behaviour and trying to make unavailable and abusive people love us.
I can’t recommend enough Julia, to stop this pattern in your life that is incredibly painful, unfulfilling and abusive, to come into one of my free webinars http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to learn how to heal and no longer ever expect behaviour like this as okay.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you Melanie!
It is wonderful how tirelessly you always have the time and interest to educate us who are clueless in love and relationships! 🙂 <3
I'm in my fourties and I must say this was the first time ever in my life when I actually left a man, made a clear decision about it and not just some reactive act, when I actually decided to end a relationship. Usually it has always been so that the man dumps me, or in the case of the n, discards me…and then typically I was longing for that man for a very very long time afterwards, even after the n discarded me and had already shown a hideous amount of abusive behaviour, I was almost begging him to return back to me. It's strange how the trauma-patterns make us behave in ways that are totally irrational!!
Also, this new man…when I happened to talk on the street a couple of minutes with some passer-by, who happened to be a man, who just stopped to chat with me about my dog…it made him very upset. He almost became obsessed about that man and told me not to talk about "that man" anymore. It was also odd, a red flag, like he felt very controlling and insecure. That cannot be normal behaviour either.
It's confusing when someone is sometimes nice and seemingly normal and then "the next day" showing abusing behaviour. And then he somehow turns the situation around so that it looks like the abuse was my own fault, that I caused it, triggered it or deserved it. BS I say! 🙂 But this is exactly what manipulation is, isn't it?
So I'm glad that it looks like I have managed to do at least some of the healing work effectively, because this time I was able to detach from the situation much much more easier than the last time.
At the same time I'm little bit sad. This man either wasn't the prince charming I've been waiting for forever. While it is nice that I was able to detach myself from abusive relationship timely now…you know, I feel sad and frustrated, failed. I wanted to start a relationship, not end one! 🙁
Will the normal, good, healthy man EVER arrive? That's what I've been wondering :/
Hi Julia,
You are so welcome, I love my job!
That is fantastic that you stood in your boundaries.
I completely and utterly agreed that no matter what we “know”, if we still have trauma programs running inside of us, we will default back to them. This is why the inner work is so vital.
Totally BS – Thank God you realised that this is abuse!
Celebrate this empowerment and graduation, because the truth is this: you are experiencing some wonderful things, and finding out the things that are not going to serve you. You are signalling the Universe in powerful ways to deliver you the truth of you.
Are you working with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp ? It is my higher suggestion to reprogram yourself and also let go of the disappointment you are feeling right now, which is in itself an unhealed trauma. (we all have them until we don’t!) You are so close to your breakthrough, and NARP powerfully helps you get there.
Much love, breakthrough and power to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you Melanie, again. You are amazing!
Reading some of your comments made me feel goosebumps!
“we all have them until we don’t!” – well said 🙂
Hi Julia,
you are very welcome.
You are amazing too!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Dear Mel I sent you a comment on30th may but got no reply, could you look at it and send aâ reply
My narc was taken away 6 weeks ago by police. Neighbours had heard more than enough verbal abuse and phoned them. Now my kids are telling me he’s getting help doing alcohol counselling and seeing a psychologist so he’s changed, so give him another chance. But I’m done- 20 years of being called a cheating S and a dumb C, being controlled, isolated, put down – I thought he’d grow up but realise he has NPD and so do his parents! I hope my girls can see their fake, angry, manipulative dad with a personality disorder soon.
Hi Melanie,
I cannot tell you how inspiring your messages are. I’ve been alienated from my son for four years (he’s twenty-three now.) I became aware of PAS in November of 2019 and it has been a roller coaster ride. Just last week I made the decision that it is what it is. I decided to stop mourning, to stop wallowing in the heartbreak and to start gathering the tools to navigate my situation, to find my joy, to be my authentic self and to start living my life again. And then I found YOU. I attended your webinar workshop this morning. It was so beautiful to see my inner child looking directly into my eyes and so lovely to embrace her. (I did this once many years ago. It’s so powerful.) EVERYTHING you speak of makes complete and total sense to me. It resonates so deeply and it validates me and my plans for going forward. It pleases me so much that I’m on the right track. When I am financially able to (little bit of a struggle $$$$ because of COVID-19 right now) I plan to become a NARP member. I was actually feeling pre Melanie that my son will be back. Post Melanie I’m now feeling more hopeful then ever that I’m 99.99% sure he will be back. Thank you for your authenticity, your kindness, your empathy, your wisdom and for sharing it all with us. I’m so grateful for generous and caring spirits such as yourself. 🥰
Loralee xo
Awww Lotalee,
I am so pleased that you are feeling hope Dear Lady.
Thsts wonderful that you found your way into this incredible community when you knew its was your time to heal.
Sending you many blessings and breakthroughs
Mel 🙏💕💚
I just recently divorced – it took six months, and a 6-figure settlement, to get rid of him. And I’m really not rid of him yet, since he still lives in my home because he’s disabled due to a stroke he had last year, but that’s a different story (really part of the story, but not for here).
My daughter is now 16 years old. Because of my ex’s narcissism, his insecurity led him to malign me in my daughter’s eyes, from telling her I didn’t know how to clean properly to telling her I was having an affair with another man because I stayed at work late. He told her this when she was 9 years old. And what is a little girl to think? I didn’t find out any of this until around the time I was getting ready to file for divorce.
I realized that I had not protected her because I was trying to present a “united front” in our parenting of her. But once my eyes were opened, I began to see the damage he caused her emotionally and psychologically, as everything had to be about him. Sometimes she would go to school upset (she left home after I did), and I would get texts from her expressing her upset while she was at school.
I took my daughter to see a counselor (I never found one that I resonated with, but I’m doing good internal work). It has been good for her, and she now sees how his narcissistic traits manifested themselves, and how they have affected her. He doesn’t support her in any way, although he tries to engage her superficially from time to time. She sees right through it. So basically, she has also gone “no contact,” because his presence in the house and in her life has been so toxic.
For a while, she didn’t feel as though she could ignore him because he was her dad. After awhile, after seeing how his behavior affected her day to day, I gave her permission to walk away from him if he asked her to do something for him. Because to do that would exert control over her. Or if he tried to have some ridiculous superficial conversation that went nowhere. I gave her permission to walk away. It took her a little minute to embrace that, but she finally did. And while it is still hard for her, she realizes that the less time in her space, the better she feels.
He will be out of my home by October 22, 2020. So a few more months. What I try to do is help her to unpack the behavior so that she can recognize it when she sees it. And she’s already seen it in one of her classmates in school. She’s very intuitive. What I constantly pray for is that she doesn’t get caught up in a similar relationship.
Thank you for this work, Melanie. Your blog was one of the first I found at the end of last summer (2019), and I continue to read. What a tremendous service. Thank you.
Hi Kay,
Sending you so much love to you and your daughter.
I truly hoped that I have helped.
Many blessings to you both
Mel 🙏💕💚
❤️
Maybe I should get in the offense game.
Please pray for me. Seven of my children and I are being deposed tomorrow. I am terrified. My husband has turned the children against me.