Have you been bamboozled when finding out your gut was wrong? Such as the times when you thought the worst, overreacted and it WASN’T true.
And have there been times when you ignored your gut, and been desecrated by a narcissist? That has happened to ALL of us!
Do you want to find a way out of all of your inner turmoil?!
In this Thriver TV episode, I’m going to give you the answers – a way to know what your intuition is really about, and how to use it to make decisions that will lead to your happy, safe and prosperous life.
Video Transcript
How can you trust your gut and make the right decisions?
This is such a great question.
So many of us, having ignored our gut and kicked ourselves afterwards with ‘I knew that, but I didn’t listen.’
Or the opposite has happened. Our gut has gone off, firing warnings, and we have followed it only to find out we were wrong. We were triggered unnecessarily and emotionally overreacted.
How on earth do we know what to listen to?
How can we make the right decision based on our gut?
I’m going to give you the complete and easy answer today – I promise you.
Okay, before we get started, thank you everyone who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you hit the like button.
Okay, let’s dive in.
Never Assume
This is Rule Number One.
If we are fearful, we will assume.
If we are lazy, we will assume.
If we have not yet fully learned to show up as the guardian of our soul, backing our own person, we will assume.
Let me explain…
Let’s say your gut fires off a warning, and you don’t listen to it.
This happens in our interactions with narcissists all the time. Something feels off, weird and unsavoury.
Yet we assume, ‘It’s okay. There is nothing to this and even if there is, I’m probably overreacting. Whatever it is, I’ll be able to deal with it anyway.’
WRONGtown – as we all painfully discovered.
It was horrifying for you, you were smashed and your worst niggly fears became fully blown, real life traumatisation.
Now let’s go to the other extreme… You are triggered into a panic, and you feel like you are being lied to or something is seriously not right.
You may fly into fully blown defences and reactions.
Then you discover your fears were unjustified. Nothing was wrong.
WRONGtown again!
So HOW can you trust your gut and make the right decisions?
You may be thinking… Hang on, if I can’t trust my intuition what is the purpose of it?
I’m about to explain to you EXACTLY what the purpose is.
The Prompt to Be Your Authentic Self
Your most powerful way to trust your inner cues – is to SHOW up.
What does that mean?
It means use your inner gut feeling to GET real and authentic. It means ask the difficult questions, investigate and expand out into the world, as your values and truth, generating more of yourself.
Let’s talk about that icky feeling you feel when you are being lied to or something is off, or a person is abusive.
DON’T rationalise or justify the feelings away. Don’t assume.
Ask questions. Investigate. Google the person. Confront calmly and squarely. Ask for proof. Do it with decency and respect, but be determined to find out what you need to.
If this person is cheating or lying, either you are likely to find that out, or you will be met with all the defences that a dodgy person would use.
In my life moving forwards, after narcissistic abuse, I made a firm commitment to myself that I would never again ignore my inner cues and not get to the truth.
I have found that if I am honest, decent and show up, asking for explanations to trust this person, that honest people will supply what is necessary – which of course grants trust in the future.
I have found that dishonest people will either twist, turn and project or tell you more lies (and get easily found out).
It is easy to drop these people and walk away if you are willing to lose them rather than risk losing yourself again; if you are willing to stick to what your gut is telling you…
‘No proof NO truth’.
Which of course MUST mean ‘The DEAL is OFF’. (‘Off’ being the operative word. If it smells like crap, it usually is!)
If we stay connected after that – we TRULY are abusing ourselves.
Okay, so the second example…
You overreact and then discover that your gut was WRONG all along.
What was this about?
This is an unhealed inner wound being triggered off within you.
How do we know it is an unhealed wound?
Generally, this is because we feel powerless, helpless and hugely emotional. We can be panicked, needy, and even feel out of control.
But let’s just say that this trigger is REAL – a warning that someone is doing the wrong thing. You will STILL have NO power, if you go in and try to get the truth whilst you are in this state.
Whenever you are in the peptide chemical cocktail of a huge, unhealed inner wound, you have forfeited all calm and powerful sensibility, and simply CAN’T get to the truth.
In this state, we are wounded inner vulnerable children in adult bodies, who can and will only hand power away.
As I know I have mentioned to you many times before, the greatest barrier to your healing and getting your power and life back with narcissistic abuse, is emotional derailment – meaning unhealed wounds being triggered within.
Because in this state you will always co-generate with people more of the wound, rather than the solution to it.
And when this wound is in the second category (your gut was wrong), often you will co-generate more of the wound with OTHER people in your life – the people you love and want to generate healthy relationships with. Or you meet a new person who you get triggered by and overreact and may even push them away.
Either way, if this is something REAL or NOT, triggers feel terrible.
But to GET to the TRUTH and have positive unfoldment occur, you must have emotional sobriety and calm and inner solidness.
There is no other way to learn to trust yourself.
The Inner Healing to Be Able to Show Up
So now let’s just check in with where we are up to at this stage.
You have received the emotional trigger, which means ‘NOW I need to SHOW UP’ – meaning ‘I need to check in, confront, investigate, ask for and find out the truth – calmly, clearly and succinctly.’
If you can’t do this calmly, because you are emotionally derailed or are terrified about asserting yourself in this way, then there is a whole heap of stuff going on in your subconscious programs that needs to be addressed.
I promise you this – your problem is not about failing to be able to trust other people to look after you. Your real problem, which was my previous problem too, is that you don’t trust yourself enough to look after you.
This is one of the biggest truth-bombs I’m ever going to tell you.
So I’m going to repeat it again – your REAL problem is that you don’t trust yourself enough to look after you.
If you really get this, let me know by writing – ‘truth-bomb’ below in the comments.
You have to heal that up.
NARP (The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program) is an amazing way to do this, and it is the number-one secret weapon for all the people who are Thriving in this Community. If you know currently you are NOT able to show up calmly and clearly, I can’t suggest my free webinar enough for you to learn about what NARP will heal for you.
Now let’s check in again: you get the trigger, you need to show up, which you can now do because you are healed enough to do so honestly, directly and without fear. Now I’m going to share with you the next and final step.
Make Decisions Based About ‘Who You Are’
As a result of showing up fearlessly, you will receive feedback.
You will get information that will either confirm that your trigger was accurate or that your trigger was indeed a wound that you need to start taking full responsibility for and healing.
Either way, you are defining and redefining your life according to the truth of Who You Really Are.
So what is your truth?
You get to decide.
How do you decide?
As per your values.
Your values are what you choose to participate with and what you choose to stop participating with.
If your values are honesty, truth and kindness, you no longer participate with individuals who invalidate your feelings, lie to you, project blame or refuse to be real and honest with you.
If you have been self-partnering and working on your fears of showing up and being authentic, you will be anchored in inner solidness and will no longer need to hand your values away. No longer will you try to get crumbs of love, approval, security and survival.
You know that you are now the Creator of your truth, rather than a victim of your environment.
The Real Purpose of Your Intuition
Okay, so the sequence…
The gut signal goes off. You make sure you are anchored in your body and have released the trigger enough to be calm and fearless.
Then you show up honestly and determinedly, receive feedback, and then make your decisions based on your truth and values.
This is what ‘trusting your gut and making the right decision’ was always about REALLY.
Can you see the TRUE process was always about developing you to TRUST and BACK yourself?
I promise you that when I worked this out, all the PRESSURE was off trying to determine whether my intuition was right or wrong. Instead, I just got down to the real inner work – developing myself enough to SHOW UP authentically.
Can you see the EMPOWERING difference?
Okay, if you want to start getting aligned with these truths to boost and actualise your recovery beyond your wildest dreams, then I’d love to help you.
So please partner with me in the Thriver Way by clicking this link to my free healing workshop.
And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.
As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.
Hi, Trivers and Melanie!
I would like to share little about my journey, where narp has the biggest role to not lose my mind, life and health.
Today, precisely a year before, started my journey to abuse free live.
A year ago in this day, I first time experienced the feeling of being able to show up with my own values and feelings without defence or arguing or proving something. And in this day I knew, that my life will change and never will be the same.
And after that day started my most difficult, most transformative year.
A year ago I with my two sons was living in abusive relationship and every day experienced emotional triggers, abuse, devaluating, codependence, trauma…
And from this date started psychologists, conflicts, narp work, police, crisis centre, nocontact strugles, moving to new place, court, insecurities, fears, and healing, healing, healing narp work.
Now a year later I live in beautiful place with my sons and cat and I am grateful to life, narp, to Melanie, to myself for this very complicated year 🙂
Of course this is only beginning 🙂
And I know that more layers will come and traumas, triggers will need to be healed.
BUT today I celebrate this year 🙂
Thank you – God, Source, Truth, Eternal loving parent… 🙂
– for this incredible angel on this planet – Melanie
– for your work, for community, for support.
Thanks!
Wishing to all a beautiful week!
Hi Vita,
I am incredibly happy for you and your sons.
Your peace is so deserved.
Thrive on beautiful Lady.
Awww you are so gorgeous and sending you abundant further blessings.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💛
Truth Bomb.
Truth bomb
You have come so far. Well done you can be proud of yourself.
Hi Melanie,
What courage to address this area of self abuse!
I’m beginning to think that all abuse is self inflicted at a root level… Which means that we can change the cycle by interrupting the flow into our lives by dealng with the roots. (A different kind of “root touchup”. 🤗)
I’d like more writing on this topic and of standing up for ourselves.
It’s easy to refuse to be abused, but asking for consideration and proof still doesn’t feel natural.
It’s hard to feel that defending myself is valid.
I feel there should be someone else to defend or protect or look out for me. This can’t be right.
It’s like my own testimony of my gut is not enough.
Feels like the exact OPPOSITE of entitlement.
Please do more on this topic. How do we get to “entitlement”? Do you know the way to San Jose?
As always, thank you so much for your creativity and depth of exploration. I can’t wait to learn more on this.
Hi Iris,
Thank you!
Oh yes so true about the root touch up!
If you Google my name + boundaries, you will see other resources I have already done on this topic.
What you are describing is certain beliefs that we carry, that are original traumas, making it difficult to anchor into deservedness and command decent treatment.
Have you checked out Quanta Freedom Healing (NARP) regarding how to reach and reprogram these beliefs?
If not I’d love you to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to learn more about this. It is by far the easiest way to get this job done!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💛
Thank you, Melanie!!
I’ve looked up your articles on boundaries and
I’m loving them! Will be devouring your very clear explanations.
You’re an 👼🙏❤️ Angel 😇. I just love you and your beautiful work for the world. Can’t thank you enough.
I have homework now to delight me for days.
Awww Iris,
I’m so pleased this resonates with you.
Bless you and big love back to you.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Great topic Melanie!
I made the biggest mistake of my life by not listening to my intuition… Just as you say… I overroad it by telling myself “it will be alright”. It wasn’t.
Now, I know that when my intuition speaks to me, it’s in a calm clear voice. When my fears are speaking, it is very emotional and erratic.
Thank you for all you do for us.
Love,
Flame xxx
Oh Mel… I listened again and went deeper into what you were saying.
I get it. Thank you
Flame xxx
That is so true Flame …
It is a clear calm voice!
You are very welcome and many blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hello Melanie,
I have been following you for a while now and have bought your book, and have participated in a lot of the activities within it… I’m starting the process of devorce with my wife that is a covert narcissist. It has been very hard and before I met her I didn’t even know what a Narcissist was, but after so much research I’m now very focused on the healing for my future. In this journey I have come to realize that I do have childhood trauma that is un healed and unresolved. I was adopted when I was 3 by really loving parents and before that I was in one foster home to the next from Infancy,.. I have come to learn that those Are very impressanable years in how your future and persona are shaped. my problem though is that I really can’t put my finger on the trauma that I went through because I was so young. I know that I don’t like conflict, and I would rather please others and go without. How do I work on something that I don’t know what it is within me. With your program I have connected with my inner child, very nice feeling, but I can’t connect with hIs pain because I don’t know or remember what it is. I was a very shy boy, that is about all I know, my father was very stern, an x NFL player, not the most loving of fathers which didn’t help my situation from when I was a baby till 3. My mother passed when I was 14 from brain cancer which I’m sure is effecting my situation as well. I haven’t purchased your NARP program but I’m truly thinking about it, but wanted to reach out first to share my story. Not really sure how to heal wounds from infancy when I can’t connect with them or know what they truly are?? Thank you for all your amazing words in your videos, very inspiring- all of them.
Hi Dennis,
I’m so pleased that you reached out and have written in, and that you have my book.
With NARP Dennis you dont need to logically remember any of the trauma to shift it out. There are processes with NARP where NARP itself teaches you how to connect to the dense energy that requires releasing and reprogramming.
If you are still struggling then the coaching in the NARP members forum is exceptional http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member
You will be able to achieve your inner freedom with NARP, you will see how it works!
Mel 🙏💕💛
I would like to say “truth bomb” and authentically mean it. Earlier today I was reflecting on the red herring my intuition sent me chasing after. There was a big adventure every step of the way. It wasn’t the prize I wanted and I guess I might have felt foolish about everything. Eventually we land where we always wanted to be. What more could we ask of life?
Hi Lydia,
It’s very true that all roads lead to home…
Back to ourselves.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hey Dennis,
I am a member of the forum and have purchased Mel’s program. Seriously you will not regret it and for what you get it is unbelievably reasonably priced. I have had the program for 2 years or so.. not sure exactly how long… but I dip in and out of it as I need to and as things arise in my heart, mind and life.
The resource is always there, it amazes me that it costs so little to be honest, but reaffirms Mel’s commitment to the work.
After doing only one module you will experience immediate relief and you also have the support of the moderators and community within the forum.
Last week I was emotionally swamped with a recurring wound of not having a father and not being wanted by my mother, I had brain fog and kept crying… So I sat down to module, all the while thinking I cant do this I’m too upset etc etc etc but stayed and listened and within 20 minutes most of it had lifted away from me and I sprang back into action.
I have to revisit this mother/father wound of mine but you know what? The module is there when i am ready to do so.
Can’t recommend it highly enough
Dennis
I am sorry to hear of your situation. I hope you will read “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk, with this you do not need to remember the details of your trauma. Best wishes 🙂
Truth bomb! So Melanie, how would you recommend using NARP to heal up not trusting one’s self? Thank you.
Hi Kimerlea,
All you need to do is use either Module 1 version 3 or the Source Healing and Resolution Module and target the trauma in your body not allowing you to trust yourself; and clear whatever arises
Within even half an hour you will have a powerful and palatable shift.
I hope this helps
Mel 🙏💕💛
Truth bomb.. I just started reading your book, “You can thrive after narcissistic abuse.” I have only read up to the part where I’m confirming the traits of a narcisist and my ex husband fits every one of them. He left me six months ago after verbally and mentally abusing me for four years. I had already started our divorce in November of last year, but I hadn’t filed the judgement yet because he kept telling me that he loved me and he would never leave me. That was until I found out he was cheating on me again in March of this year. I completed the divorced immediately and it had been final as of June 13, 2019. I can’t seem to stop checking on him in social media and texting him asking for answers as to why he treated me so badly. I have so much anger inside me and most of it is directed at him because of the abusive way he treated me when I did nothing but love him with my whole heart and soul. Lately I noticed that I am also directing my anger at everyone in my life, even people I don’t even know. I feel like I’m not in control of myself at times. I know I have inner wounds that I need to heal, but I don’t know where to start. I don’t trust myself much less anyone I meet. Just like you, my ex left me with no money and deep in debt. I am also disabled and in need of back surgery, therefore I can’t work to support myself. I can’t afford to join your program in order to get the help I need to start my recovery and be part of the thriver community. Can you help guide me in the right direction to start healing. I’m afraid I’m going to end up having a nervous breakdown and be hospitalized if I can’t begin to heal my inner wounds. I need to let go of the agonizing pain I feel over loving him so much and receiving nothing but anger and contempt in return.
Hi Lisa,
I am so sorry you are feeling so much pain.
Do you know that you can do NARP in monthly affordable instalments and access the program immediately? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Also too for more details on your next steps you can email [email protected]
I hope this helps.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💛
Lisa, we humans are amazingly resilient. I thought I would have a nervous breakdown, but I decided it didn’t have to be part of my journey. Reaching out to others like you have done here is a really good step forward, as we are stronger when we are united and sharing/partaking of the ‘milk of human kindness’. We’re problem solvers and there ARE solutions to be found, and uniquely for each of us. Little step by little step, always moving forward, we can look back in 18 months and see how far we have progressed.
We heal ourselves. Just as we ‘know’ to instinctively put our healing hands to our head if we bump it on something, we ‘know’ that emotional and soul wounds can be healed. This gift has been given to us. People like Melanie can help us to remember what we have forgotten or to make sense of our experiences, but we are our own healer. Lisa, you are not your circumstances. You are far greater than them and they need not define you. I applaud you for starting on this journey of healing.
Nature is a soothing balm. Go there for 20 mins at a time, if you can, or try to watch the sunset which is designed for healing. Nature has been designed for this purpose of restoration and there are many lessons to found there. It helps to dissolve anger and increases feelings of goodwill. Goodwill is a choice and inner peace and goodwill are ‘hand in hand’ companions. Anger adds to the chaos in the world and is not the best solution. It’s a lesson I’m still working on, too, as healing seems to test us with progress reports on how we’re really doing, by sending ‘triggers’.
This also may help, though it can be painful to accept – sometimes, Lisa, people are flicked out of our lives if they are not good for us. Our tough job when this happens is to not look back or chase after what is pruned away from us for our own growth and restoration. When I prune a bush that has become straggly and weak, I prune it right back so that it has the best chance of recovery and of thriving and blooming. I nurture it and am patient and committed to its survival. I rejoice over every sign of its natural beauty returning. Restoration is the process of life that we are always involved with. Sometime we may feel discouraged, but this community is here to enCOURAGE each other to keep moving forward, Lisa.
An analogy I find helpful is that of the racehorse. A racehorse doesn’t stop running as soon as its nose passes the finish line. Whether it’s the first or last horse over the line, it keeps striving to do its best. In the area of restoring and healing ourselves, and then others, we essentially need to keep in the race.
Hello Lisa,
I was fortunate to be midway through seeing a psychologist for 6 sessions when my ex filed our divorce papers, and I was more than fine with that. Relieved even, because I had been considering how to do the same.
So I asked my therapist why, if I was so over this guy and our 23 years together, why was I such a nutcase? She helped me to understand my feelings regarding the divorce. Sadly not much else at the time! 6 funded sessions were not enough! I have since learnt about the Narcissistic abuse I lived with – all of my life. And I’m making headway. Three steps forward, two backwards.
Lisa, this is what she said about Divorce which I think will help you.
You are grieving. You are not grieving over the loss of your ex, you are grieving over the loss of what you should have been looking forward to. The plans you were making together are no more. Your life, of being together until growing old together is over. With your divorce – its truly gone. You are grieving for what will now never be.
Allow yourself to grieve. Then you can focus on your true healing.
I wish you light love and laughter in your journey.
🙏
Truthbomb !
You really have given me a great deal to think about. I found you at the right time tomorrow I am blocking my brother from calling me
My gut has been telling me to do this for a long but I did not have the guts to do this.i am ready. I can’t wait to do this. I’m in control it took me years to get there but I am there now. I feel different better I’m in control it’s my choice and it’s the right one
I am free you helped me ge there
Your avid fan
Audrey
Hi Audrey,
That’s great you are going to take a stand for and back yourself.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Dear Melanie,
Truth bomb!
Thank you so much for these clear explanations to help all of us who have at times been confused by the messages our bodies are sending.
And the big truth bomb, that the real problem is that we are not trusting ourselves enough to look after ourselves.
I feel inspired and encouraged by this video and look forward to my next opportunity to use this information, and to the next QFH session too!
Love and gratitude to you!
Hi Russell,
I’m so glad this helped and inspired you.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💛
Truthbomb! Thank you so much, dear Melanie, for all your good work!
Hi Alex,
It’s my pleasure.
Bless you.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Mel
I had a lot of this disconnection between the trusting my gut, intuition and knowing the difference with my wounds that appeared through my narcissistic experience. I had a lot of the same statements of invalidation from both narcs that made me doubt the abuse as they acted like nothing happened and even told me I worried to much or that my fears or insecurity were wrong. I can now see how I was showing up from the inside which was terrorfied and frozen. I did not know how to walk away or did I know my values at 25. I noticed they both had an inability to hear and see me or notice the distress I was in but I know that preditors are not human. I can look back after two decades and see where I went wrong but the damage is still there. I recently found out one of the narcs is a mindset coach now and I think dear God how much trauma did I have so young to have attracted this. I see the patterns but I can’t think my to heal it out of my body.
Thank you
Sara
Hi Sarah,
Sweetheart it is so true that we cant think out way out of trauma.
Please come into my free webinar to understand how there is a real way out of it http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
Mel 🙏💕💛
Truth bomb!
This was one of my biggest, most painful issues for a long, long time – I assigned the task of looking after me and taking care of me to my narcissistic family because I was convinced I could not do it. I had no trust in myself at all. I think you can all guess how that played out in my life!
Today I can gladly say I was wrong, and NARP is helping me see it and feel into the truth of it. I am becoming my authentic self, and it is glorious!
Thank you so much for NARP, Melanie, and for everything that you do!
Much love <3
scindapsus
Hi Scindapsus,
I soooo relate!
How awesome you are sorting this all out and empowering you with NARP.
Many continued blessings to you.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie,
Hi Melanie!
I always have the impression that your videos arrive right on time, thanks!! It seems that I am finally starting to learn how to date calmly and consciously for the first time in my life and I am 47.
Also, I am going back to court (3rd time this year) with my ex-narc in a couple of weeks (separated 5 years ago and battle continues). I am feeling so calm and prepared…
Narping for about 1 year, life-saving!
Thanks again, lots of love,
Elena
Hi Elena,
This is great you are so calm and centred with dating and court.
Power to you Dear Lady.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Dear Melanie
Truth Bomb.
So this is so true for me since a little child looking for the truth and surrounded by non truth.
Emerson wrote “ trusting the self is the first step to success”
It is clearing out all that stuff from my sub-conscious mind that has created the emotional tsunamis in my life blocking my clarity and attendance to my truth and following others.
Thank you Melanie for NARP it is an anchor and it is a life saver.
Much love Reena 💗
Hi Reena,
Emerson was so right lovely lady. I’m so thrilled for you that you are getting clarity and peace.
Much love to you too Reena
Mel 🙏💕💛
The truth sets us free. It is confronting, too.
When I haven’t chosen empowerment, I’ve been effectively ‘sitting on other people’s laps’ or ‘putting my feet under the table’. It’s been empowering to get off my ex-husband’s lap, which I sat on for 23+ years and finding ways to put the food on my own table. It’s done me the world of good to get kicked out of my comfort zone and to start to mature and take responsibility for dealing with my own trash. It’s my responsibility to put a stop to emotional freaking and to work ‘smart’, not hard, with the right tools for my own healing. I created my own reality and so I have to re-create it if I don’t like what I’ve pulled in. Thanks for confirming this for me, Melanie : )
Love this Gabrielle 💕 so empowering
Hi Gabrielle,
that is awesome that you are going to focus on you and take your power back.
That is where it is at!
Bless
Mel 🙏💕💛
Melanie,
Thank you for sharing how to trust your gut. I wasn’t sure I could trust myself and now I am confident that I can. Here is a little bit about my journey. About two years ago, I left my husband and moved to women’s shelter. After 5 years of marriage, he was using drugs, not working, shaming me while I supported him and his children. I don’t have any kids. He was calling me a slut and escalating with Violance. From the beginning of our relationship he cheated on me. He love bombed me and promised to change, using religion as a cover up. But throughout the whole marriage, he gas lighted me. I was making a lot of money and he never recognized it. He became resentful and never supported me emotionally or otherwise. I felt like an object for him to have sex with. There was no connection. I just came pushing on as a good wife, never imagining I could leave. Today, I’m divorced (second time) and happy to be free to have peace in my life. I got a hold of your NARP program in the middle of my divorce. I was able to clear a lot of the debt I incurred because of him. I sold the house and paid off all the debt. I was able to keep my 401k and settle the divorce without going to trial. Your program is truly miraculous. I have working on traumas from my childhood of abuse and triggers. Today, I have met a wonderful man who is truly loving, caring and supportive. I am ready to start my new authentic life. A year ago, I was so devastated, afraid and alone. I didn’t want to live anymore. But I thank you for the wonderful work you’ve done and I hope to help others who are in the same situation as I was. Thank you Melanie!!
Hi Selene,
I love that you broke through and that NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp helped you greatly.
It took incredible courage to come through what you did. How beautiful you are happy and Thriving now.
You are truly inspirational and thank you for your post.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💛
Truth Bomb. Going straight to mod 1 and SHR.
The Thriver way 🦋 Thank you Melanie!
Thats awesome Kristina,
Thrive On!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Truth bomb. I keep doing the work and am feeling stronger but can’t seem to walk away from my 25 year marriage that is sooo over.
I can’t see myself taking care of myself.
Hi Mertz,
Are you working with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp ?
Please know that in the NARP members forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member there is incredible support and help for you to get there.
Sending you blessings and breakthroughs
Mel 🙏💕💛
Truth bombs, truth bombs . . . and I am still in a quandry. My sister is dying and I haven’t got it in my heart to turn my back on her now, as I am her only next of kin in this country; but caring for her and being constantly kind and compassionate in her time of need is hurting me every step of the way because she has hurt me so much in the past and continues to do so in her hapless, blinkered manner. To make things even worse, she is my ex-husband’s number one fan.
I’m 71 now, the eldest of three children born to a narcissistic psychopath who abused me in secret beyond description. After our beloved father died when I was twelve, my mother escalated her attempts to destroy me by getting my younger sister and brother on her side, so that I then had to contend with a gang of three whose mission, it seems, was to discredit me and humiliate me. A campaign of pure hate was waged against me from 1961 and it has never stopped.
Now that my mother is dead, that’s been reduced to a gang of two. I have always kept myself as distant from them as possible, while continuing to the best of my ability to perform as a dutiful daughter and sibling. Despite their lifelong vendetta, I seem to have fared better in life than my brother and sister, regardless of the fact that I walked (straight from home at age twenty-two) into a nightmare twenty-eight year marriage with a picture-perfect man who is a covert narcissist, sociopath and high functioning alcoholic. Pitch fast-forward through the births of my four children, twenty-five years straight as ex-hubby’s unpaid business partner plus the same number of years of gaslighting and psychological abuse from him (and also from my family). I finally exited my marriage after ex-hubby made two attempts on my life and I wasn’t prepared to wait around long enough for the third attempt, when even a life in the gutter was preferable. Desperate to leave, I had no recourse to legal aid and was stripped of all my legal and financial rights. Then I began a new life at the age of fifty-one and have been doing pretty well considering.
I had the misfortune to attract three toxic “best friends”along the way and only one was actually a narcissist. In my old age wisdom, I realise that people can and do fool you for years before they finally show themselves in their true colours. The last “best friendship” endured for four years before I realised that behind the facade was a malevolent personality. (Example: films “The Two Faces of Eve” and “Sybil”.)
But now I am faced with the death situation of my sister and trying to cope with my ambivalent feelings towards her as she rewrites our childhood years. She seems determined to relive the final chapters of those years through rose-tinted glasses and scoffs and sneers whenever I try to tell her that her memories are grossly inaccurate. For example, I told her that on one occasion she brought three of her schoolfriends into the attic bedroom we shared and invited them to take anything they wanted – anything at all, girls! – so long as it wasn’t hers. In other words, she invited her friends to steal my few cherished teenage possessions. Luckily I was there as a witness and made sure they didn’t nick my stuff! At other times I wasn’t so lucky. I now have to revisit episodes from those painful growing up years almost on a weekly basis, and as my sister’s condition deteriorates it may happen daily.
This is not good for me and I don’t know how to stop it.
Hi Paula,
Dear Lady I can only imagine how hard this is for you.
I have created resources regarding narcissistic family members, if you Google that topic plus my name, which I hope can help you.
Sending you love and healing
Mel 🙏💕💛
Appreciate the insight. One thing I would like to share from a recent experience. In addition to what you mentioned, I have learned to observe behavior and discern accordingly. I had recently encountered someone who claimed to be very spiritual and seemed to have a lot of knowledge. I always enjoy meeting those types of people. This person had a tell all pattern though. Their words didn’t line up with their behavior. Consistently. This person was consistently rude to others, demeaning, and judgmental, yet had very little self awareness of their own behavior. Their claims of wisdom and enlightenment were just a mask to gain attention. For me the negative behavior and “enlightenment” just don’t gel. I have learned that no matter how much I like someone’s personality, this personality can be disguising a wolf. I am empowered to walk away from such people and that isn’t always easy, yet for me it is necessary.
It is so true Michael
It’s one thing to say words, and another to embody and live them.
Mel 🙏💕💛
This comment has turned out about how I am dropping truth bombs in my dying sister’s face and I don’t know whether this is a good or a bad thing for either one of us. I am not doing this voluntarily – she actually want to talk about the past, both hers and mine. I am in a quandry. She is dying and I haven’t got it in my heart to turn my back on her now, as I am her only next of kin in this country; but caring for her and being constantly kind and compassionate in her time of need is hurting me every step of the way because she has hurt me so much in the past and continues to do so in her hapless, blinkered manner. To make things even worse, she is my ex-husband’s number one fan.
I’m 71 now, the eldest of three children born to a narcissistic psychopath who abused me in secret beyond description. After our beloved father died when I was twelve, my mother escalated her attempts to destroy me by getting my younger sister and brother on her side, so that I then had to contend with a gang of three whose mission, it seems, was to discredit me and humiliate me. A campaign of pure hate was waged against me from 1961 and it has never stopped.
Now that my mother is dead, that’s been reduced to a gang of two. I have always kept myself as distant from them as possible, while continuing to the best of my ability to perform as a dutiful daughter and sibling. Despite their lifelong vendetta, I seem to have fared better in life than my brother and sister, regardless of the fact that I walked (straight from home at age twenty-two) into a nightmare twenty-eight year marriage with a picture-perfect man who is a covert narcissist, sociopath and high functioning alcoholic. Pitch fast-forward through the births of my four children, twenty-five years straight as ex-hubby’s unpaid business partner plus the same number of years of gaslighting and psychological abuse from him (and also from my family). I finally exited my marriage after ex-hubby made two attempts on my life and I wasn’t prepared to wait around long enough for the third attempt, when even a life in the gutter was preferable. Desperate to leave, I had no recourse to legal aid and was stripped of all my legal and financial rights. Then I began a new life at the age of fifty-one and have been doing pretty well considering.
I had the misfortune to attract three toxic “best friends”along the way and only one was actually a narcissist. In my old age wisdom, I realise that people can and do fool you for years before they finally show themselves in their true colours. The last “best friendship” endured for four years before I realised that behind the facade was a malevolent personality. (Example: films “The Two Faces of Eve” and “Sybil”.)
But now I am faced with the death situation of my sister and trying to cope with my ambivalent feelings towards her as she rewrites our childhood years. She seems determined to relive the final chapters of those years through rose-tinted glasses and scoffs and sneers whenever I try to tell her that her memories are grossly inaccurate. For example, I told her that on one occasion she brought three of her schoolfriends into the attic bedroom we shared and invited them to take anything they wanted – anything at all, girls! – so long as it wasn’t hers. In other words, she invited her friends to steal my few cherished teenage possessions. Luckily I was there as a witness and made sure they didn’t nick my stuff! At other times I wasn’t so lucky. I now have to revisit episodes from those painful growing up years almost on a weekly basis, and as my sister’s condition deteriorates it may happen daily.
This is not good for me and I don’t know how to stop it.
Years ago, my sister and I had to come to the conclusion that we experienced and remembered things from out childhoods differently and agreed to disagree about them and stop rehashing some of them. There are things I wish I had more information about but there is no one else to ask. We were less than a year apart in age and spent a lot of time as children and teens together. Both of our parents are dead and there are no family members or friends who knew us well enough left alive to ask about the past. One thing we talked about recently is how we ended up living in a heavily Republican, WASP and conservative area when our family was ultra leftist and Jewish so that we did not have many peers. I remember being teased and criticized for wearing a Kennedy for President pin to school because no one else did. We learned early not to talk about our family’s politics because they were too different from our classmates’ and neighbors’. It has not been easy overcoming that feeling of not belonging or being different and wrong.
One week after telling the narcissist in my life for 5 years to move out after the decided he had to tell me all the things that are wrong with me, someone set 3 fires in my basement that did a lot of damage to the house where I had lived for 32 years. He told me that he did not set the fires and begged me to believe him, which I foolishly did at first. Then I started learning about NPD and realizing that someone could be that evil. As the result of the fires, there was structural damage in the basement and the house was declared unsafe to live in. It is now months later and I am getting settled in a new apartment with his dog (he told me he didn’t want her any more the day of the fire and walked out on both of us the next morning). Due to smoke and soot damage throughout the house, I had to buy new furniture for the apartment. At first, I was reluctant to make the decisions about furnishing every room but started slowly with a kitchen set, then sofa and chair for the living room and desk for the extra, back bedroom and finally today got the last part of the bedroom set delivered and assembled. Each decision seemed difficult, though my confidence grew with each room. There are still details to complete, like bringing lamps and more pots and pans from the house and a TV stand but the major furniture decisions are finished and the apartment is becoming more comfortable and starting to feel like home. There is months worth of work to do in the house but I am selling it to a builder who offered to help me pack and move things to storage. Due to a mixup with my homeowner’s insurance, I do not have coverage and can’t afford to restore the house. They told the collection agency they hired to bug me about a $300 bill that I missed 5 “ebills” and a cancellation letter, none of which I got so I don’t believe them. But the reality is that I have no way to raise $200,000 to restore the house and have no choice but to sell it at a fire-sale price to a company that will restore it and sell it for a fair market price, probably at least 3 times what I will get. I have to push myself daily to do what needs to be done in the house and the apartment but I have accomplished a lot, which has restored some of my confidence about decision making.
This comment has turned out to be about how I am dropping truth bombs in my dying sister’s face and I don’t know whether this is a good or a bad thing for either of us. I am not doing this voluntarily – she actually wants to talk about the past, both hers and mine. I am in a quandry. She is dying and I haven’t got it in my heart to turn my back on her now,or work against her wishes, as I am her only next of kin in this country; but caring for her and being constantly kind and compassionate in her time of need is hurting me every step of the way because she has hurt me so much in the past and continues to do so in her hapless, blinkered manner. To make things even worse, she is my ex-husband’s number one fan.
I’m 71 now, the eldest of three children born to a narcissistic psychopath who abused me in secret beyond description. After our beloved father died when I was twelve, my mother escalated her attempts to destroy me by getting my younger sister and brother on her side, so that I then had to contend with a gang of three whose mission, it seems, was to discredit me and humiliate me. A campaign of pure hate was waged against me from 1961 and it has never stopped.
Now that my mother is dead, that’s been reduced to a gang of two. I have always kept myself as distant from them as possible, while continuing to the best of my ability to perform as a dutiful daughter and sibling. Despite their lifelong vendetta, I seem to have fared better in life than my brother and sister, regardless of the fact that I walked (straight from home at age twenty-two) into a nightmare twenty-eight year marriage with a picture-perfect man who is a covert narcissist, sociopath and high functioning alcoholic. Pitch fast-forward through the births of my four children, twenty-five years straight as ex-hubby’s unpaid business partner plus the same number of years of gaslighting and psychological abuse from him (and also from my family). I finally exited my marriage after ex-hubby made two attempts on my life and I wasn’t prepared to wait around long enough for the third attempt, when even a life in the gutter was preferable. Desperate to leave, I had no recourse to legal aid and was stripped of all my legal and financial rights. Then I began a new life at the age of fifty-one and have been doing pretty well considering.
I had the misfortune to attract three toxic “best friends”along the way and only one was actually a narcissist. In my old age wisdom, I realise that people can and do fool you for years before they finally show themselves in their true colours. The last “best friendship” endured for four years before I realised that behind the facade was a malevolent personality. (Example: films “The Two Faces of Eve” and “Sybil”.)
But now I am faced with the death situation of my sister and trying to cope with my ambivalent feelings towards her as she rewrites our childhood years. She seems determined to relive the final chapters of those years through rose-tinted glasses and scoffs and sneers whenever I try to tell her that her memories are grossly inaccurate. For example, I told her that on one occasion she brought three of her schoolfriends into the attic bedroom we shared and invited them to take anything they wanted – anything at all, girls! – so long as it wasn’t hers. In other words, she invited her friends to steal my few cherished teenage possessions. Luckily I was there as a witness and made sure they didn’t nick my stuff! At other times I wasn’t so lucky. I now have to revisit episodes from those painful growing up years almost on a weekly basis, and as my sister’s condition deteriorates it may happen daily.
This is not good for me and I don’t know how to stop it.
truthbomb
Truth for sure.
2 years out of my last, and biggest lesson from my narcissist ex husband and I look at what I’ve achieved.
I’m doing it Melanie!
I’m showing up as my true authentic self, following my dreams, trusting myself to look after me.
I’m really awesome!
Thanks to NARP and sheer determination that this would not break me.
Yet I still have those moments, where I doubt myself, where I allow the hurt and betrayal to affect my thoughts.
Some days it’s like I’m on auto pilot, doing the yoga, helping other people, reading, learning, loving myself even though I feel numb.
I just keep trying, as you say Melanie, keep showing up.
This is hard, but I learned to fight as a child, and I will continue.
I bless all the people whose lives have been touched by these monsters.
If anyone wonders if it gets better. It does. And you look back and say ‘how did I get through it?’
But here you are, still standing proud, but different, never to be the same again.
Maybe never open to love again, but I’m ok with that.
And those people who tried to break you, are still stuck….
Truth Bomb thanks for the reminder about trusting myself more strongly each day. I find I come a long way and then sometimes slip back a little into the doubt. I’m getting better at knowing and seeing when I’m being projected onto and choosing to speak clearly about what my values are and what I will and won’t put up with. I guess that is I’m getting better at trusting myself. Thankyou for your videos, they are really validating and supportive and I always find them right at the right moment. 🙂
Thanks wonderful Jyoti,
That you are identifying your needs and speaking up for you.
Love and blessings
Mel 🙏💕💛
Truth bomb! Amen. Thanks for sharing this Melanie!
It’s my pleasure Kelley
Mel 🙏💕💛
Gosh. It is truly a truthbomb. I really understood since I did the free master class yesterday and got close to a wound that keeps being triggered. This video truly enlightened me. Thank you so much Melanie.
It’s my pleasure Anne-Mari!
Bless!
Mel 🙏💕💛
TRUTH BOMB!!! 100%
I actually did a shift ‘I don’t trust men’ and what I got back was this; “I don’t trust myself.” This was a false core belief that I had carried for far too long. I gave trust away to undeserving individuals because I didn’t value trust within myself.
What was really disheartening, I had such a hard time trusting, the N was insulted I didn’t trust and to override my own feelings, I gave it away blindly. Fortunately, there’d been enough times that things didn’t seem to add up so I stood back emotionally and watched. A time came when a huge Red Flag went up. I asked questions. The questions were deflected, minimized, others were blamed, ridiculous explanations were given and I ‘just knew.’
I saw the manipulation being played out. I had a choice; to override what I knew to be the truth or say, ‘no more.’ I chose me and I walked away. But I remembered all the signs of warning before that and my triggers each time it had happened. This particular blog gives me clear direction on how to use my intuition to help me discern what to do in the future. Finally, a clear way to know and to learn to trust myself again. Thank you so much for posting this, Mel!
Hi Kathy,
I’m so happy for you that this has helped and you’ve embodied the truth.
It’s great you know how to and can be committed to choosing you.
Much love
Mel 🙏💕💛
Truth bomb!!!
“your REAL problem is that you don’t trust yourself enough to look after you.”
This made so much sense after you said it. I went back and read the entire episode after I finished watching it. That sentence stopped me in my tracks. I feel so happy now that I’ve found another piece to my healing puzzle.
My future looks so much brighter I’ve got to wear shades!! 😉
I can never stop thanking you, Melanie
Hi Peggy,
I’m so pleased this helped!
Thrive On Lovely Lady!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Hi Melanie,
I have a brother who won’t speak to me, but in the last year has been acting out very passive aggressively towards me. He won’t directly talk to me, but wants me to know he’s over the top angry with me. He completely over reacts to the situation at hand, and his behaviour is extremely irrational. When I try to speak to him, I might get a one word answer or nothing at all, he’s likely look me in the eye and just walk away…he’s made it clear he refuses to engage with me on any level. I’ve been informed by other people, that he’s holding grudges going back more than 30 years, he’s not letting anything go, things that I’m not responsible for, yet I’m being punished. He is constantly on the lookout for more ammunition to add to the pile of hate towards me.This brother has made a ton of assumptions and drawn conclusions about me, that have no basis in fact, yet is acting out on those very assumptions! I’ve been accussed of many things that I’m not responsible for, or that he’s twisted, or completely fabricated.This brother has no intention of telling me what the issue(s) is, and I can’t now go to him and betray other’s confidence, by trying to talk to them about what I now know. The person who told me the issue, also conveyed that the brother feels quite powerful, due to their silent and passive aggressive treatment towards me.
I’ve just been going about my business, and never let him know that I’m bothered in any way by his behaviour, which seems to make him even angrier. Recently, when my father was in hospice, it was apparent it was taking this brother everything he had, to just be in the same room with me. He acted like he wanted to punch my lights out, yet I was doing nothing…I wasn’t talking, I wasn’t doing anything, I was just sitting there! He seems to be angry at my very existence! How do I deal with this person Melanie?
Hi Brenda,
I would ask him directly what it is that he is upset about and that you would love to have a healthier, happier relationship with him. Be the bigger more loving person. And if he refuses to respond or meet you with decency and love, then its time to pull away.
Then detach, and create your own incredible life Brenda, regardless of what he is or isn’t doing.
I hope this helps.
Mel 🙏💕💛
Truth bomb!
Ask Questions: Often during the manic tear when someone is shouting at you questions, answering them for you and continuing to be demeaning, criticizing, belittling, haranguing, playing the victim, playing on your good nature and studying your face for signs of guilt or shame, a way to show up authentically and ask a question is to say:
What is your goal by saying this to me? What are you trying to prompt from me?
It is frustrating when someone is attempting to assign to me things that do not belong to me. Why I am being told my feelings, thoughts, beliefs, opinions, values, principles, motivations and emotions as though these things another person imagines about them were reality? Why does the other person act as though they are responsible for assigning those to me instead of ASKING what mine are?
When I ask myself -why would this person think that? I ask him or her: “What is your goal here?”
You just have to try it. Wait until you see his/her expression…but don’t expect an answer. His/her questions are really rhetorical comments to which you are invited to form an answer but not be entitled to express it, and often they will expect that your questions are that way too.
TRUTH BOMB!!!!!!!
THANKS MEL!!! ♡
Hi Melanie,
I ended a friendship 3 years ago after a stalking, harassing, and isolating event with the person. It was empowering and authentic. I was so tired of being responsible for their emotions, the gas lighting, having to justify everything, the stalking, violating of boundaries, etc.
Well…they came back when they saw a picture of my baby I just had 12 hours earlier. Love bombing congrats messages, multiple messages, found my phone number, etc. I panicked and got a sick feeling in my gut. I was afraid to block them thinking the rejection would be triggering to them and they would make it worse for me. Then I fell into the trap of their trying to wish me well, they must mean well, they were my friend, etc. I would be impolite to not respond, or maybe if I did they would leave me alone.
I called them to try to kindly say that I didn’t want to reopen the friendship and that I wish them well. I did this to avoid conflict and to have no surprises for deleting them. Of course it went nowhere. And I felt so grimy that I compromised myself. They made me feel as if I were the crazy one and I felt even worse—offering to be Facebook friends at minimum. To not make the situation as “ugly”
This was a mistake because this person used my social media account to stalk me, and when triggered would call me multiple times, my family members, etc. I felt sick—why did I let myself be manipulated again to make them feel better? Why did I think I had to give them peace of mind so that I’d have if? Why did I have such a strong need to avoid conflict?
I begrudgingly accepted the request and restricted them so they could not see my pictures, especially those of my son. It was my boundary. Somehow 8 hrs later they discovered they were restricted and they attacked me for it, calling me immature etc. I responded back: I don’t need to justify my privacy settings or anything else. I don’t want communication. Please don’t contact me or my family. Then I blocked them. Of course they tried to contact but I didn’t respond.
The aftermath for me is still traumatizing because I feel like everything I did came from a huge place of fear, ignoring my gut, and not from a place of authenticity. Ending the friendship the first time was so authentic and empowering that I walked away not looking back. I was calm. Rational. This time I felt like a virus downloaded into my brain that robbed me of joy, confidence, etc. To the point I felt guilt toward them for enmeshing myself only to exit out for good. All of these memories and thoughts of them being just a hurt and wounded person that I should make allowances for keep creeping in and I’m doubting myself. I’m not doubting that I wanted out of this. I still do. It just all came about…all the events in between because I was so scared and scared to be a bad person…that it ended tumultuously. Not from that calm empowering place but from a place of anxiety and escaping, except instead of relief I feel like my fears and hype about were unnecessary and I could have just blocked her without explanation from the start.
So my question is…when you leave the narcissist from a place of fear and victimization…how do you deal with the trauma and feelings afterwards? I can’t make sense of the doubt and guilt I feel because I know this person is not someone I want go entangle with. I feel like I ruined a bad relationship…it’s still bad and had to end but I feel guilt for my hand in crashing it because I didn’t listen to my gut!!!
OMG, TRUTH BOMB!!!
Thanks Melanie, you’re the best and really bring things into perspective.
God bless!!!
Totally, 100%, Absolutely TRUTH BOMB!
Mel, thank you for giving the gift of you and NARP! It’s been just over a 2 year journey and I am loving the you-know-what out of myself ♥
A very short while ago I could not see myself dating ‘on purpose’. I wanted the easy way out – “Oh I’ll just let it happen organically” Yeah, like every other relationship – and they were all Narcs lol
This past week I showed up, I asked the tough questions and you know what…it felt GREAT. I am in my power like never before – and keeping my ego in check 🙂 There were a couple things that niggled in the back of my mind so I kept watch and within 3 conversations I knew I wasn’t going to take it any further. I’m doing what’s best for me. It is SO different. I am so different. This feels really good.
Thank you Mel! I wouldn’t have healed like this without you. Truth.
Hi Nords,
you are very welcome.
Many continued blessings to you!
Mel 🙏💕💛
Truth Bomb!
Truth-bomb!
🙂
Healthy sane people know it’s ok to help someone leave an abusive family or toxic family member, what kind of petty jealous unsolicited nosey monster helps someone leave their partner or spouse or destroy their careers and relationships?
That’s what the narcissist would say before ghosting, disappearing and smearing, that they trusted themselves instead of me. “Drop acid and join a cult” then I guess 🫠