Melanie Tonia Evans

The Most Effective Way To Heal Your Emotional Wounds

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 4
69
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

We all know that the pain of narcissistic abuse seems unfathomable.

It is so severe that it may feel almost impossible to function in everyday life.

It can be a major accomplishment to effectively eat and sleep, let alone have the emotional stability to start your life all over again.

My greatest mission regarding the work I do is to help people release this incredible emotional agony, so that they can rebuild and align with the creation of a life that not only works, but leaves the horror of narcissistic abuse way, way behind.

This article is all about the most direct and powerful path to do this – and the reasons why a specific and direct path works, where others don’t.

When you understand how to use this direct path you will know how to get relief, create powerful change in your life and heal in the fastest way possible.

 

The Limitations of the Logical Mind

This important message will explain to you WHY it is so hard to heal from trauma when trying to do so through your logical mind.

I tried this initially – and lots of other people tried, and the truth is it is the long, hard way around – and often it just doesn’t work.

Firstly it is incomprehensible that recovery from a narcissistic abuse experience can be categorised and reconciled by the use of cognitive processes. What happened did not make normal human logical sense, and does not fit any model that would grant any fathomable closure or peace.

You may be able to understand how and why a narcissist operates, and realise there are many people who have suffered what you have, and that their narcissist operated identically to the one you experienced – yet how can you escape the mind-bending obsessions, injustices, betrayals, malicious behaviour and pathological lies that are just not a part of the accepted human experience?

The truth is emotionally you cannot get peace on this simply via information and it is likely that the feelings of obsession, torment, injustices, and disbelief (and the addiction to trying to get justice, accountability and remorse or even ‘love’) will continue for an indefinite period of time.

Yes you may ‘survive’ from narcissistic abuse, simply because you have been able to get away, stay away and know you will never return to the narcissist, but is this truly living?

I want to take you deeper so that you can really understand why your logical mind is so limited in getting true healing and resolution…

To understand the reasons why this is the case you need to know how the subconscious and conscious minds work.

 

Emotional Programming

Our life is created from emotional programming.

What I mean by this is our thoughts, actions, what and who we attract in our life and the life events that we experience are all a match for us vibrationally.

When I refer to the word ‘vibrational’ what I mean is whatever belief systems we have about anything, and our associated emotions on any topic are exactly what we create in our life.

These inner beliefs and feelings (our vibration) are not taking place in our logical mind. They are all embedded and existing in our subconscious mind, they are in our being. To make this easier to understand, imagine as if this beingness was in the cells of your body.

You need to understand how your subconscious communicates with you. It communicates through sensation – which means through feelings. When you are ‘on track’ with being the wellbeing, love, abundance and truth of your True Self (real potential) you feel great. You have emotions that are granting you the feedback that you are aligned, that you are on track. The gap between your vibration (who you are presently being right now) and Who You Really Are (your True Potential) is very small, or non-existent.

When you feel immense pain your subconscious is letting you know through these agonised feelings that you are living the experience of inner programs which are NOT aligned with wellbeing, love and the truth of Who You Are.

The greater the gap the more it emotionally hurts.

The illusion is: It is all happening ‘out there’. We believe that this person, situation, event has created our pain – and but what we may not have realised (or accepted) is that there has been existing painful beliefs and emotional programming within our subconscious that has co-created these experiences of ‘what we don’t want’.

Of course we were not doing this consciously – this all happened unconsciously.

When these painful situations in our life show up, that are a match for our already existing painful programs. They bring these painful subconscious programs up to the surface for us.

Our agonising experiences show us point blank our deepest fears, our most painful inner beliefs that fundamentally relate to the powerless feelings of being unacceptable, ‘not good enough’, unworthy of love and incapable of being a Source to ourself.

The reason these horrendously painful emotions occurred was to get our attention. Every painful emotion is a powerful signal. It is saying (or screaming) there is something within that desperately requires attention.

Ultimately this is so we can heal these subconscious wounds in order to claim Who We Really Are.

 

How Did Our Subconscious Wounds Initially Form?

When we were children we learnt very quickly. Before the age of 8 and 9 we were information sponges.

We all know that children pick up new skills quickly, have amazing dexterity with technology and can even learn different languages effortlessly at a very young age.

The reason is because children don’t have a developed analytic / logical mind blocking any new information going directly into their subconscious mind.

It is the subconscious mind which is the storage space of all skills, knowledge, and ‘ways of behaving’.

As children we certainly had the advantage of gaining information and learning very easily – but we also took on the ‘bad’ messages automatically as well.

Maybe your Dad left when you were very young. Maybe one or both of your parents didn’t know how to connect to you and grant you love, support and approval because they were busy providing the survival necessities of life.

Maybe there was a horrific argument between your Mum and your Dad one day and you thought it was your fault.

Maybe conditions were harsher, and boundaries were not honoured, or respected and you learnt ‘love means I can abuse you’.

As a child you did not have the benefit of logic to displace your feelings about topics. You did not have the benefit of logically observing what was happening in order to conclude “Well Mum didn’t spend much time connecting to me because she had five kids to provide for. Therefore her lack of attention didn’t hurt me and doesn’t make me feel unworthy of love. I know it wasn’t personal.”

As a child you simply internalised emotional pain, and emotionally decided you must be unlovable, or not good enough, or not ‘valuable’ enough to be loved happily, safely and respectfully.

As children we learnt who we are, how much we were or were not worth love, value and care, and we absorbed these messages directly as our emotional truth. The subconscious did not define these messages as ‘wrong’ or ‘right’ (it has no preference). It simply agreed with our emotional ‘decision’ at the time.

Little did you know that these ‘decisions’ at such an early age were going to program your subconscious to play out these beliefs determinedly in your life from the point of those emotional  ‘decisions’ onward.

Little did you know that these internalised messages if they were painful enough could set you up for narcissistic abuse in your future.

Trying to change these emotional programs later in life logically is going to have little to no effect – simply because they were NEVER logically created in the first instance.

 

How Adults Learn New Ways to ‘Be’

Now let’s examine our learning abilities as adults today…

As adults we have a developed analytic / logical mind which blocks the pathway to our subconscious. We think too much. We do not have the automatic direct path to the subconscious learning capacity that children do.

We find it much more difficult to learn new ways of being.

One way adults can learn is through repetition, doing something over and over again until it becomes the new internal program. This takes intense dedication and willpower.

The second way is when we have a ‘trauma’ or ‘highly ecstatic’ episode. When an event is powerfully emotionally charged, everything else fades into the background, the logical mind shuts down, and the new message bypasses the logical / critical mind and goes straight into the subconscious.

You may have had such an experience. In a time of trauma it is like everything else in the background disappears, time stands still, and the only thing that exists is the traumatic event. This is a direct example of your logical mind moving aside and whatever is occurring is impacting directly at a subconscious level.

When we understand how we really learn – we can understand important things. As children we learnt who we are, how much we were or were not worth love, value and care, and we absorbed these messages directly as our truth.

As adults when we receive experiences which are highly traumatic and painful, our subconscious also directly accepts these messages as ‘truth’. These messages add significantly to the already painful ones which already existed from our childhood.

In fact we have unconsciously been attracting an re-creating the same messages that our subconscious already believed from childhood.

There is something else about the subconscious which explains a lot. Our subconscious mind is a primitive survival mechanism. As a survival instinctual mechanism it is highly resistance to change, and holds firm the existing inner programs which already are.

The subconscious believes it is protecting you by hanging on to the painful and fearful messages of the past. In previous times of survival our ancient DNA needed this mechanism.

The problem is now in modern times, this does not serve us. It simply continues to attract exactly what we fear and keeps us separated from our true power and potential.

This is why we desperately need to re-program these painful internal programs that keep us stuck in living out the events and relationships that we don’t want in our life. It is the only authentic way to really break free.

 

Why the Mind Struggles To Create Real Change

As a result of your narcissistic abuse experience you will know no matter what you think you should or should not be doing – it is excruciatingly difficult to stop giving in to the old internal programs which are running your life.

The reason this occurs is because your subconscious mind is rejecting the new ideas of your logical mind and sabotages your chances of creating positive change. It wants to stubbornly and determinedly hold on to the old survival programs.

This is why every day I receive emails such as:

“I am a smart, intelligent woman. I know he is no good for me. He even repulses me, but why can’t I stop calling him. Why can’t I get him OUT of my mind?! Why CAN’T I let go and move on?!”

The reason is because the unconscious mind is still running painful inner programs which are a direct match for the abuse the narcissist is dishing out – and the logical mind is no match for these fully energised and stimulated programs.

This is why logically you know what you should do – leave, stay away, disconnect and accept that the narcissist is NO GOOD for you but you can’t seem to stop the obsessive pulls, addiction and staying attached – no matter HOW MUCH you know it is destroying you.

I really hope this makes sense – and you clearly understand why…

 

How To Make Powerful Changes In Your Way of Being

As per my material you will observe how I am always going on about inner work, inner work, inner work, inner work!

The reasons is because I know personally, as well as with dealing with thousands of people how essential this is – if you want real relief, if you want powerful change, and if you really want to heal.

And if you want to achieve this the fastest, most efficient and DIRECT way possible

Trying to heal by working through your logical mind is the hard, painful and gruelling way to do it. It takes a long amount of time (maybe an entire lifetime of cognitive therapy) and enormous willpower.

Willpower is incredibly hard to engineer when in the all-consuming emotional grip of narcissistic abuse – which heroin addicts have stated to me time and time again is a much worse addiction than heroin.

The real healing work is the employing of tools and processes which bypass your logical mind and communicate directly with the subconscious mind.

It took me 2 years of trying to learn how to recover from narcissistic abuse through my logical mind before I realised it was never going to work. This realisation set me on a path to discover a way to make changes within my being at a subconscious level.

This is exactly why I created Quanta Freedom Healing and the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, because It creates a direct path to the painful inner programs that require healing and teaches you how to locate them, shift them and transform them into inner belief systems and programs that will serve you.

When you do the work at this level the emotional pain drops away, and your mind is not tormented.

Your tormented thinking was your mind ‘trying’ to find some answer, relief or resolution from the emotional agony. When the emotional agony stops so does the tormented thinking.

When you try to deal with emotions logically your mind will only ever make more of a mess of them – ALWAYS!

You know exactly what I am talking about with this statement. You know you go back to the horrible event, replay it sequentially in your mind (these are the processes the logical mind employs) and then try to ‘work out’ some logical answer that is going to alleviate the emotional pain. Not only does the ‘answer’ to gain peace elude you, but you have just replayed and re-energised the agony again with no resolution forthcoming.

This would be like being ‘shot’ once, and then replaying the scene a thousand times more in your mind. You have just shot yourself another thousand times!

I promise you your vibrational / emotional body knows no difference between the emotional agony of the physical event, or the emotional agony of replaying it in your mind. The emotional agony and emotional damage to your being either way is identical!

Your logical mind was never intended to heal emotions (emotional inner programming) – EVER!

Truly after discovering inner healing processes I shake my head at my own life and how I spent decades battling in my mind for no results other than repeat pain, and how we have all been conditioned to believe that our limited minds COULD be the solution – when it simply isn’t!

I’m going to prove this to your very simply…

Say these following statements – “I think angry”, or “I think devastated”…or “I think violated”…

It makes NO sense…

It makes as little sense as trying to heal these feelings with logical thinking.

Your emotions are not logical.

Neither is your emotional programming that is controlling your life.

True healing simply does not happen at a logical level.

True healing occurs by going within, by going to your emotional belief systems and using an energetic (vibrational) process to address them, and that is exactly the power and ability you innately have (as your birth right) to heal yourself deep from within.

You are a magnificent self-healer – you DO have that power. Everyone does.

You have always just needed to simply understand how to DO this.

I hope this article has helped you understand why you are battling in your mind, and has allowed you to understand there is a much better and truer way to heal.

If you are a member of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program or have participated in a Quanta Freedom Healing, I would love you to share your experience with this method of healing and how it compared to trying to heal with your logical mind.

 

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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69 Thoughts on The Most Effective Way To Heal Your Emotional Wounds
  • galeetallen@gmail.com'
    GA
    April 3, 2013

    Hi Melanie,

    Great article! I was really looking forward to this weeks article and of course it was relevant to what’s being going on.

    Just tonight I was sitting in class and all of a sudden started replaying painful events of my ex and by the time I left class I was crying over what happened again.

    You know how far I have come and how much healing I have done, so in reference to this article, does this mean my logical mind is still fighting with my unconscious mind…meaning I still have unconscious patterns needing to heal? Is that what bringing up painful thoughts in my mind mean?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 3, 2013

      Hi GA,

      That is great that the article relates.

      Correct you have it spot on – there is some unhealed belief, subconscious program that got triggered that needs your attention.

      That is why it hurt and your mind grabbed hold of it.

      Simply another healing opportunity by following the pain and healing the core of it.

      This means you will then go up another level – totally!

      Mel xo

      • galeetallen@gmail.com'
        GA
        April 4, 2013

        It’s incredible how we are really being called to ‘come back to self’ right now. It’s like I heal one layer and new ones come up. And it really does whatever it needs to do to grab my attention. There is no avoiding it whatsoever.

        It really is like a Pandora’s box, once you’ve opened it, it’s not going to stop coming out until all that’s necessary is healed. Your mind will keep wondering to the pain if you do not address it.

        It’s so powerful.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          April 4, 2013

          Hi GA,

          Oh yes – I could not agree more – it is a huge time of shifting – and so necessary, and every time we step up into that space and get really authentic with ourself, which means claiming the pain, and being real the results at the moment are tremendous!

          Totally spot on – the price of self-avoidance is way too huge – and totally unnecessary 🙂

          An amazing time / space to be in right now!

          Mel xo

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jac
    April 3, 2013

    Hello dear Mel!

    For everyone out there who understands life with a narc is unbearable. What it feels like to be loved then abused on a dime, unable to relax, unable to sleep, constant tension in the body, barely breathing wondering what is likely to happen next and giving up life, our passions and everything we found to be life giving, pleasurable and fun, to sacrifice all for their needs, to please him/her. I gave up my love of the gym, my cycling, my walks, my art suffered and I had developed a chronic back disease from inactivity, and stress in my body causing my body to degenerate. I started fearing going out in public, developed severe anxiety and jumped at everything that moved. If I didn’t text him every time I went on a walk, he would attack me and abuse me, saying I was disrespectful. So I went out while he was at work and didn’t tell him I was going walking. Of course he then accused me of not going out or doing anything, staying house bound, which was not good for the soul. So I was possessed by him on every level and became very agoraphobic. If I went to the shop after 5pm, getting home at 6pm, in time for him to be home from work, he would abuse me for being out late and not texting him to where I was. It was hell, as all who have lived the nightmare well know.

    Thankfully….I found Mel and NARP…

    Since working with NARP and doing sections at a time, instead of the whole QF module for each MP3, I have managed to shift more and find it has been much better for me to gradually bring up the junk and clear it. I feel into 2 shifts and then rest for a couple of days and finish the final 2 shifts. It allows me to clear the junk more easily. I tried one module at a time from start to finish and found it too draining for me with irritability the next day. Everyone is different though and this works best for me. My junk has been hoarded inside me for a lifetime and abuse started from my father as a baby and went on to other men in my life, and my mums life ’til now.

    Clearing my junk has allowed me to get back into life. My sleep has improved, I have desires to get out and do something every day, I have enthusiasm to try new things, want to study something new, setting goals, and just enjoy being in the present moment, just being, which is something I couldn’t do before when living with a narc. I would be rigid and stiff, sitting with him in the room, waiting for the next attack and couldn’t relax. It feels great to be able to relax again and feel alive.

    The inner work is critical to be able to clear and heal our unhealed parts. Just reading is not going to help us heal, only give us the knowledge to understand what has payed out in our life, which is important but not the big picture to get to the other side. People always blame the outside world for their misery and us as humans have been programmed to ‘forget about it’ and move on, without addressing the issues on an inner level. The media, TV and main stream methods for recovering is not recovery, it is mearley a band-aid to ‘put aside’ our problems and carry on with life. That is not life to me, just a way of coping. On tv I get sick of seeing deeply traumatised people, sadly hearing their stories, who have suffered enormous grief and abuse, still living as victims and a lot saying they have to see psychologists, psychiatrist and counselors for the rest of their lives. Years down the track and they are still as traumatised by their abuse as they were in the beginning. Talking about it only makes it bigger and keeps it in our bodies, as Mel has explained. The biggest saying that is repeated often by the media is ‘put aside your anxieties’ for a while…so we can bring them back up again later? It’s not a good message to be getting out to people and certainly not inspiring.

    I choose the QFH method and have developed courage and honesty with myself to be able to heal and clear the junk. Melanie, you have been and still are a wonderful guide, gifted healer and I am greatful always to you for saving my life. I am also thankful for the gift of Narc abuse, which has now led me up the right path to freedom.

    Big kiss and (((hug))), love Jac x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 4, 2013

      Hi darling Jac!

      It is very true that when we do the deep energetic work on ‘self’ we shift from ‘he / she is my Source’, back to the true establishment of ‘I am my Source’.

      For many of us who were not encouraged, mirrored back to, or taught how to be the healthy, full, empowered Source of our own connection to self and life – and then fell into relationships with narcs who positioned themselves to create the dependency on them -this is a very, very big essential shift.

      Once we become this Source to ourself no longer are we fearful, empty or anxious about our present or future – we start co-creating effectively with life.

      When we clear the painful inner false beleifs this is exactly what we become – our True Self, the real place where freedom, love, creation and truth for us is – it can never be provided by ‘the outside’.

      Thank you lovely lady for your post 🙂

      Mel xo

      • energizeintent@yahoo.com'
        Living The Dream
        April 5, 2013

        “The reason is because the unconscious mind is still running painful inner programs which are a direct match for the abuse the narcissist is dishing out – and the logical mind is no match for these fully energised and stimulated programs.”

        I am not sure how the genuine human need for love and belonging fits here. I notice that my Inner Self/child is very adamant about our need to be in loved in relationship with other human beings.

        I left relationships for 10 years, because I decided I would not have in my reality “disrespect,etc.” So if people treated me “badly” in anyway, I would say “This is not a part of my life. I will only be in relationship with people who give the love and care I give.”

        I then had no relationships, romantic or friendship or family, for 10 plus years.

        When I had my first relationship in 10 years I found a hesitancy to end it immediately when there was conflict, challenge and thought it was important to ask myself, “What else could this mean?” This led me to compassionately understanding the woundedness in my partner until eventually it didn’t matter if I understood it or not, I again decided I didn’t want a relationship that was as painful. He wanted to have me as “supply” without being truly invested or committed to a long term relationship.

        What I am wondering now is how the human Need for love contrasts to false beliefs. Though it makes me vulnerable to admit I have certain Needs as a human that are met (relief) or not met (grief), it feels dishonest to try to override that fact of being here as a human with the line “I am a Source to myself.”

        I am to the extent that I am and I am here as a human where part of the territory is needs. That means I will feel grief when they are not met (and relief when they are.) After the 10 years telling myself “I am a Source to myself” until my inner self/child was howling in the pain of loneliness because of unmet, denied needs, I am looking for a way to live without denial of these realities.

        My inner self is kicking and screaming when I tell her we have to leave another friendship when the person displays a behavior that I feel is “no longer a part of my reality” and wants me to stop judging and be understanding, a good christian, etc.

        There is a feeling there that I will never be loved or be loving if my intent is to control and protect with all this judgment. There is a fear that we will be 10 years or forever with unmet needs if I am not willing to open my heart to what is in front of me. And the feeling is this is a truth of being human and trying to reduce it to a false belief I can just snap my fingers and change has felt dishonest,manipulative and manufactured rather than aligned with the Truth to me internally.

        How do we work with our genuine human needs which do make it that we are vulnerable to heart ache when we admit them versus trying to control them out of existence by labeling them “false beliefs”? Which doesn’t work.

        Inner self says we need human love and companionship, we are not a Source to ourself for everything…no matter how I try to program her out of the realities of being here as a human being, they remain. Then the question is how I am a loving parent to myself, supporting myself through the experience of Divine Seperation, being here as a human being with a heart that can ache, needs that are met and not met. And with other human beings who are wounded and can be very painful to learn from.

        Thank you so much for sharing your insights on the authentic human need for love and belonging and the true vulnerability of an open human heart vs. labeling these false beliefs to rid oneself of to try to control pain.

        Peace.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          April 9, 2013

          Hi Living The Dream,

          Ok lets start at the start. If we are suffering abusive relationships or people not showing up authentically, or no relationship at all, or we can’t accept a person who does love us authentically then we are not a yet a match for the authentic love we want to receive and accept in life.

          This is not a logical choice. The way to know is – are we still carrying fear and pain? Or are we an open hearted vessel of connection to life and love who knows first and foremost we are that love, joy and expansion to ourself – and we do feel connected to that energy in life?

          You see we may think we are saying NO to something by having ideals of ‘what we want’ yet we still have an energised focus on the pain and the fear of what we don’t want and are therefore saying YES to it.

          Hence why it keeps showing up in our experience, or we spend years closed away from life trying to avoid it and ‘what we want’ just doesn’t show up.

          This is the experience you are describing personally.

          We can decide and want love all we wish – but we need to BE it, we need to have our heart open with joy and saying YES to life…otherwise we are pinched off from that flow of wellbeing.

          You see LTD it depends on how ‘small’ or ‘large’ you see yourself.

          If you see yourself as ‘small’ and not connected to all of life then it seems like a really isolated painful thing to be a Source to yourself of love, however if you see yourself as a ‘big you’ connected to all of life then you see how expansive, connected and attracting ‘of more’ this Source of you becomes.

          As well as how much of an abundance of love there is in that expansion.

          And this means getting out of the pain and the ache and becoming this love and expanding…

          You cannot be focused on the absence of something and create more of it in your life, you have to heal yourself to feel and become the abundance of this thing – then it will show up in physical form for you.

          I hope this helps! 🙂

          Mel xo

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jac
    April 3, 2013

    …to add, everything associated with the narc, pain, trauma, over thinking things about him, trying to work our why he was like he was and even when getting an email from him is nothing now. I feel nothing, have no reaction, no emotion and it is just a vague memory. My inner self stays calm, and I know it is because I have healed most of the addiction, worked on myself in the areas I needed to be able to clear my soul and cut the chord to him. Since letting go, I hear from him less and less as he is not getting supply and energy from me now. It feels great! x

  • season5096@gmail.com'
    Rozanne Henry
    April 3, 2013

    My fear of the Narcissist was a big one for me. Conventional therapy gave me some specific tools like what to do if he should follow me, but my actual fear and agony and the looking over my shoulder was always there.

    QFH has released this fear for me and taught me exactly why and how I was attracting him continuously into my space. Each time he forced contact, I wanted to die of the horrendous pain and agony this caused me. I wanted to scream just admitting that there was yet more healing in me to take place.

    Through QFH i embraced more and more of the part of me that was such a perfect match for all this drama and violation and sense of powerlessness.

    I have a deep knowing now that I am getting to the point where this kind of life is no longer a match for me and I only expect beautiful experiences in my life these days.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 4, 2013

      Hi Rozanne,

      I am so pleased that QFH was able to get to the specific inner beliefs that were allowing ‘fear and abuse’ to be in your reality.

      This is the magic of the inner work and discovering how powerful we are as creators -that when we change our inner frequency we discover WITHOUT EXCEPTION that our outer world transforms itself to become an identical match.

      The truth is we have absolutely NO power to change anything on the outside (and never have had) we only ever have the power to change on the inside – and then the outer follows suit.

      This is what we learn from doing inner work – the true means of living UNconditionally (authentic power), rather than conditionally (external power seeking).

      Conditional living and love means ‘If I can change the conditions outside of me then I can be safe and happy’…what we learn by taking full responsibility to live UNconditionally is: ‘I have the ability as a vibrational creator to change my inner state and live happily, In-Love, and create my true reality REGARDLESS of what any person on situation decides to do outside of me.’

      That is freedom and true living, and I have seen you over the last few months create what normal human perception would have deemed as a ‘miracle’ and ‘impossible’ as a result of your dedication to inner work.

      What these people may not have realised is that it is pure Energetic Law that something that is not your emotional frequency can NOT reside in the same energetic space with you.

      I am not suprised you ‘know’ this – because that is exactly what you have been creating.

      Mel xo

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jac
    April 3, 2013

    Mel, I think you could go on Opera in US, and Australian Story here in Australia, as I believe you work is worthy to be shown to the world via TV, a powerful tool and how wonderful that you would reach more people and expose your work, showing it is the best healing tool on the planet. There are people our there that need your help and lately, the media has been showing some truly horrific stories of people and abuse. x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 4, 2013

      Hi Jac,

      funny you should say this – I am at present been opening up energetically to unlimited possibilities with this work. I am ready for anything the Universe wishes to bring my way as my truth regarding this mission.

      More so that I have ever been! 🙂

      Mel xo

      • jeajohnson2911@gmail.com'
        Jean
        April 5, 2013

        I agree! Or Dr. Phil too!!

  • jacsplat@msn.com'
    Jac
    April 3, 2013

    *Oprah, not Opera! 🙂

  • wagtail69@hotmail.com'
    Madonna
    April 3, 2013

    By the time I found QFH I was at the point of not being able to breathe. My body would not inhale enough to fill my lungs. Living with a narc for two years had absolutely reduced me to being completely broken, terrified and I honestly could not see a way out. I even tried hypnotherapy sessions, placing dishes of sea salt around the house to absorb negativity and going through the motions of courage. The first shift with QFH saved my life and honestly removed the terror. I think the word fear sort of underrated my sheer terror and horror when it came to what he’d done to me. I can’t thank Mel enough. I work on myself all the time. Please try it if you can.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 4, 2013

      Hi Madonna,

      I am so pleased QFH pulled you out of this, and it is fabulous you are working at shifting you and getting the results.

      Wonderful 🙂

      Mel xo

  • r.hiatt48@yahoo.com'
    joyce
    April 3, 2013

    I found this article to be so helpful as to why he still occupies my mind. I was obsessing over him and his problem, but once I realized that focusing on me made me feel better.I have been studying intuition, facing our fears, and having courage. Even though I have been working on myself for a year now, and article you wrote recently about how a Narcissist was sent to use to change us a light bulb went off. I stood back and looked at all the positive changes I had made in my life. I knew I never wanted to go back to something that felt so vile, it felt like my soul was being ripped through a keyhole. I knew something was terrible wrong but I could not let go. I have belonged to a 12 step program for many years now and I knew I had to break away even if it hurt, but for my sanity i just had to. Now learning about intuition all the signs were their from the start I ignored them, I don’t anymore, they are front and center. Going back to being grateful for the narcissist, and changing your life. So my ego started talking and I was struggling with thanking him personally. My ego was coming up with all kinds of ways and reasons how and why, but my physical body just would not do it. So just last week someone sent me a picture to look at and as I was scrolling down the news feed his picture popped up. Before I realized it was him I almost threw up on the spot. A light bulb moment my intuition was speaking, wake up girl he is toxic. I realized I was still holding on, so I deleted that app on the spot and have been so joyous ever since. At the end of that week I was offer a new job and will be making a career change after 30 years. It’s true once you open up to love and giving people it just comes to you. Thanks Mel.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 4, 2013

      Hi Joyce,

      I am so pleased this article has helped and you are working your way back to you.

      Mel xo

  • Kt.fisher@sbcglobal.net'
    Kt
    April 4, 2013

    I get all this 100%. I am trying to logically heal my pain. I feel I’m desperate to finds a therapist who can explain why a narc does these things to me.

    I have started the mp3 healings but I wasn’t finding any peace. I stopped them as I too felt drained.

    Maybe I need to start them over. I know that I’m not finding healing in therapy. Because as you’ve said there is no logic to this stuff. I can’t understand why my narc continues to devalued me by having this affair while living in my house and lying to me about it. Then treating me like I never had a relationship with him for 15 years.

    Any suggestions? I really feel desperate for help!!

    Thanks
    Kt

    • suzyvegas1@gmail.com'
      TJ
      April 4, 2013

      Dear KT
      relief only comes when you stop being desperate to know WHY – that is more obsession. Narcissism has no logic, it’s like the turtle and the scorpion fable.
      Peace doesnt come easily and part of the process is slowing down enough to stop desperately searching for the answer. I cant believe how long its taken me and I now see it’s a lifetime process. Keep going with the modules – even just sitting through the 2 hours each takes will do you good. It’s always been the times that I think “Bugger this isnt working Im going to stop” that Ive had a real break though. Take care – sending you love and light x

    • wagtail69@hotmail.com'
      Madonna
      April 4, 2013

      Hi KT,
      I understand where you’re coming from. Before doing the first module again, look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself (and get really stern) and tell yourself “you are going to do this session and you are going to put everything into it. You are going to bloody listen and visualize everything you’re told to and put 100%effort into it. If you’re head starts running its stories again you’re gonna shut them down! Refocus on the session. Its not that long. Focus focus focus woman!”
      There’s so many of us here kt that completely understand the exhaustion and confusion you have. I find it hard to reconcile that I’m never gonna get the answers my logical mind thinks it needs, so when I think too much on the why’s…I do another session and put everything into that time.
      I can’t stress the word ‘focus’ to you enough. Then you’ll get there. I have never written on the worksheets as my belongings are searched every few days, so when I have to write things down for 5 minutes, I actually visualise the process of writing the issues down.
      Try again. You can do it Kt. It is a fight between light and the darkness and you need to win this.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 4, 2013

      Hi Kt,

      first of all stop trying to heal logically. The more logical answers you try to gain OUTSIDE of you – the more your inside is going to twist and turn screaming in agony.

      IT is trying to GET your attention – and needs it desperately – hence why you are hurting so much.

      What I know is that people who are very in their head (as I was too) need to commit to a LOT of inner work to start making the shift out of the tormented mind into the journy of claiming and attending to the emotions.

      When we are chronically ‘in our head’ the reason is self-avoidance. We want something outside of us to take the pain away, rather than committing to going straight to it – being with it and taking responsibility for it.

      No therapist can take away your pain, or take responsibility for it – and this is why NO-ONE can give you the logical answers that are EVER going to give you relief. It is YOUR emotional pain – not theirs!

      Module 1 needs to be repeated many, many times until you can get the charges coming down to a much lower level. And what you need to do is every time your mind starts clawing for answers, run an affirmation in order to stop picking up the ‘re-shooting yourself a thousand more times’, and wait until you get to a healing module and then deeply feel into and claim the emotional pain. Then follow the QFH process to shift it and the associated inner painful beliefs up and out of your body.

      Then you will start getting progress.

      That’s what you need to do Kt deeply commit to knowing self-avoiding feeling your emotions and not dealing with them directly is keeping the agony going – whereas surrendering to ‘your inner’ is the fast powerful and direct solution.

      This is the journey you need to accept – and once you do you will wonder how or why you ever avoided ‘being truly WITH yourself’ because you will discover every state of being, such as the feeling approval and love that you have been chasing ‘on the outside’ was within you all along.

      Mel xo

  • suzyvegas1@gmail.com'
    TJ
    April 4, 2013

    mel – as you know I have also had a lifetime of confusion disconnected from the real me or indeed any me. I realize now I have lived decades on survival mode, expecting loss and trauma and getting it, constantly starting over and hoping for better.
    My son’s father was an alcoholic NARC enraged that I left him who then spent 10 years alienating my son. I thought I was doing a great thing finding a ‘real’ relationship with a man in NY who turned out to be a real NARC. As I was in therapy for getting over this (beating myself up that I couldnt get anyone to love me) the psychologist informed me my mother is NPD. I didnt even know what that was and had to deal with that too and how that had affecting EVERYTHING. Then my son’s father snatched my son and on and on into PTSD and panic and feeling like I could not go on. It was only QF that got me out of panic and PTSD.
    Its still been a long time – well about 7 months now – but each day Im understanding a little more, or rather just living it with compassion, because understanding is not enough, it’s part of the logical mind.
    My intention now is to be free in JUly 2013 to go to the US again and rebuild a strong connection with my son – finding his way, connecting to his inner knowing.
    I agree with the lady about the TV = why dont you make a book from all your posts. Women are struggling everywhere with NARC men and desperate for answers. If youd been around in 2002, I would have saved a decade of tough times – not even learning as you cant learn without a teacher. xx

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    April 4, 2013

    Hi TJ,

    yes I do know that you have been working through a very big evolution journey…and the wonderful this is you are now coming home to yourself powerfully.

    Every bit of effort is so worth it to claim your authentic happiness and life, and to know you will never need to repeat this journey again.

    The truth is maybe a decade ago you wouldn’t have been ready TJ, and I know I certainly wasn’t…

    Where we are right here, right now is perfect, as is the flowing forward into ‘more of us’ – the same could be said for others as well. Their soul is always going to call them forward to heal – it’s up to them to decide to grasp that opportunity -if they choose.

    I will certainly do all I can to help offer that opportunity.

    Bless 🙂

    Mel xo

  • Lclola822@gmail.com'
    Sam
    April 4, 2013

    Oh thank you Melanie!!!!! Everything I have read is at last ‘coming together’….. It’s been incredibly hard but your newsletters always ‘hit the spot’…. From the bottom of my heart I thank you for taking the time to share… I can now delete his txt’s without feeling anything… Cannot ‘ban him’ as iPhone does not have the option.. He txt’s me every other day…. Now I delete or forward them to his lady!!!!! As she is as bad as him!!!! Lol… Gives me peace and I hope one day he will stop, but he no longer has power over me….. Yeahhhhh….I have taken my power back, however I do miss him, but know what his game is….. Bless you …xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 5, 2013

      Hi Sam,

      you are very welcome.

      There are apps you can get for iPhones to block, and that is what you need to do to not be living the reminder of him, start thinking about him, or get tempted to pass on stuff to her…that is not the vibration and focus you want in your life.

      Because it does not represent what is real and healthy in your life, and especially since you have stated ‘I still miss him’ which means there are inner parts of you that are unhealed that are still programs connected to the version of ‘love’ he represents.

      You see we think ‘missing’ a narc relates to the good times – whereas it is just the logical mind putting a ‘label’ on it. The truth is any ‘missing’ is to do with old abuse programs and lack of self-love and self-value that we have within ourself.

      When you clean these up Sam there will be no ‘missing him’, in fact you will wonder how you ever were involved with him – the thought will completely feel ‘off’and totally unthinkeble, every cell in your body will be repelled.

      So, no you don’t have true peace, you have some thoughts in your mind that are fuelling your resolve – for now. But what happenes if he stops texting – then what? What happens if you no longer hear information that ‘she is as bad as him’ – then what?

      The answer is you will be still be left with yourself and your unhealed inner parts (without any distractions) – regardless of what he does or does not do – and regardless of who she is or isn’t.

      ‘I know his game’ is a logical deduction that has your focus outside of yourself on him (who you can never change or alter)…but when you take your focus to the inner you – and make it all about that – then YOU will change as will your vibrational match with love experiences.

      He will stop when you no longer accept or are a match to his energy in your life – and when you MEAN it.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • tmadden@walton.k12.ga.us'
    teresa
    April 5, 2013

    “I promise you your vibrational / emotional body knows no difference between the emotional agony of the physical event, or the emotional agony of replaying it in your mind. The emotional agony and emotional damage to your being either way is
    identical!”
    Wow! What an amazing statement. That one sentence changed my whole perspective of where healing begins. Free for 2 months, I find myself sitting alone in my apt. saying, “okay..what do I do next?” I can’t logically heal and move on. It goes much deeper. It’s a process that begins deep within in a place that’s a natural part of me. A “me” I’ve always known about… which has been there all along. This may seem like a simple realization to most, but to me it was like a whole new way of seeing myself. I felt like I took a deep breathe for the first time and let it out. Mel, do you realize what a difference your words make in other’s lives? Your geniune outpouring of yourself has made a difference in mine. Thank you. OXOX

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 5, 2013

      Hi Teresa,

      I am so glad this resonated for you. I know when I realised I was an energetic being and the ‘reality’ and creation of my life POINT BLANK was all coming from my emotional state this freaked me out too – in a really good way!

      Because immediately I understood my emotional state was my HIGHEST priority, and the futility of going over and over the same stuff trying to get emotional resolution, whilst creating more damage to my Inner Identity was insane!

      …so I am so pleased this ‘hit home’ for you – it is a very important message.

      Teresa, yes I do, and absolutely take the time to feel and be in deep gratefulness and appreciation for what I can do for myself and others.

      That is lovely you now are looking down the path that has the results…less thinking and much more inner shifting!

      You are so very welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

  • Clix@sympatico.ca'
    Shawn
    April 5, 2013

    I have been living with a narc for over 26 years now. I finally realized, after attendibg a self healing, life changing retreat that it is not me, it is him. He puts me down so he can feel better. He is not always mentally abusive and we do have a great life together. I am trying to figure out how to deal with the outbursts and simply tell myself I am not a bad person. I now face him and tell him that it is not my job to make him happy, it is his job. If it makes him feel better to put me down then so be it but I let him know that he will not bring me down. It is hard but I believe our relationship, marriage and family is worth it. I continue to do all the things I enjoy in my life regardless if he likes it or not. So far it is working but it is a slow process of self healing. Still looking for good research material on how to live with one as opposed to how to leave one.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 5, 2013

      Hi Shawn,

      this is wonderful that you are claiming your life and laying boundaries with him.

      If he does have narc traits but is not a fully blown NPD then you may absolutely be able to make progress.

      The fact he is allowing you to do your things, and if you actually can state ‘Not my stuff…’ when he tries to project on to you, disengage and leave him to his own inner yukky feelings he is trying to dump into you – that is wonderful.

      It is like a child who no longer can get attention with poor behaviour and learns to behave more decently (and deals with his own inner insecurities) before coming to you.

      If by laying boundaries he starts to threaten, blow up, become maliscious, starts pathologically lying to try to control conditions, play one-up’ or move into payback behaviours then you KNOW point blank this is NPD – and he is not going to take responsibility for dealing with his inner stuff and behaving better – and then you have only two options..

      1) Go back to the way things were so you don’t get punished mercilessly (this is significant abuse) for not accepting his projections, or 2) leave him and don’t look back if you want a life of freedom and wish to live through your soul in truth.

      Boundaries, detaching, not hooking or engaging unless he is respectful – and taking full responsibility for your own good feelings – and leaving him with his own will be the way you will know…

      What you are doing is setting the vibration ‘If you want my attention, come up to this place here…a place of decent, a place of feeling good…’

      He will either start working his way up there to you – or he wont.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
    Valerie Wedel
    April 5, 2013

    Right on! I am healing slow/fast… it is not happening over night but it is happening day by day, and I give thanks. My mind is a tool, and emotions are the road map. THANK YOU for your articles and radio shows. THANK YOU! Blessings and love and joy to you –

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 5, 2013

      Hi Valerie,

      That is so true that the mind is a tool that can be used to love and accept ouself – start partnering with our emotions, and recognise that they are the True Us….

      or not…

      I am so glad that you are healing.

      Mel xo

  • colorada1105@hotmail.com'
    Cheryl Mixon
    April 5, 2013

    It’s been 2 years and this past weekend I attended a funeral for my best friend’s father and it was the first time I saw my ex along with his new wife (he is my best friend’s sister-in-law) I knew he would be there but felt that I had no choice to go to support my best friend who told me after that she would have been extremely mad at me if I didn’t go. She tries to logically explain why I should just move on and not let if affect me that I would see him. I can’t explain to her why it does still affect me, it’s not explainable to someone who has never been abused or affected by a narc in her life. I had a good plan to avoid him at the service and it pretty much worked but the physical and emotional pain that it brought up was horrible and I hope I don’t have to go through it again any time soon. I have done the quanta freedom healing with you once and continue to read all that you post. It is a slow process and if I never see him, I am fine. Maybe someday, I will be able to occupy the same space at events without care, but not right now. I need to forgive myself for not being able to let go, and just move on, like my friend says.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 5, 2013

      Hi Cheryl,

      thank you for your post. Firstly your life is about honouring you and your vibration – not trying to twsit and turn yourself in order to keep other people happy, and you don’t need to justify your decisions to them..

      If you accept your own decisions it doesn’t matter what others choose to do with them, and your approval and love of self is not dependent on their opinions.

      Doing QFH once is nowhere near enough to do the work on the inner – that was simply a scrape of your inner surface – hence why it is continuing to be a slow recovery – because you are not directly addressing your inner unhealed parts.

      This makes no difference to your healing state… ‘if I never see him I’m fine’…nothing in our life (on the outside) is a coincidence…every trigger we experience is showing us something.

      Every emotional hurt is a signal saying ‘Come to me please this is why I am yelling at you!’

      It is simply the self-avoidance of the mind that makes excuses and ignores it, such as ‘I can block out the hurt unless I run into him’.

      This is actually not about ‘him’, this is about ‘you’ because the emotional pain is the unhealed part that is yours…

      So what this means is you may be able to escape ‘him’ in life by never having to see him, but you can never escape ‘you’.

      Which means these inner painful love programs will continue to play out over and over again until you go to them and heal them…

      So the options as they stand are stay single and in pain, or get into a new relationship and co-create again the same pain…

      They are not pleasing or fun options, which leaves us all with taking inner reposibility for the pain…then the change happens at our core level and life responds accordingly.

      Mel xo

  • bcuerden@gmail.com'
    becca
    April 5, 2013

    The NARP program is what it takes to keep me on track. It is my backup, my fall back position when I anticipate being knocked sideways. I know it is there to help me get through whatever the next bit is going to be. I repeat the modules as necessary and because I write a lot I can also track where I’ve been and where I am at now. After 6 months separation from a 22 year relationship involving children and grandchildren, the process has been excruciating. I am still in the horrible legal process though I engaged a lawyer 2 years ago. Melanie’s work is indispensable for anyone who goes through the tortures of separating from an N relationship. They want everything and are prepared to do anything to get it. Watch out for the sucker punch when they seem to be being nice to you! The NARP program helps with recovery from these side attacks.
    I had a library full of books I’ve read over the years trying to deal with His Stuff. What am I responsible for? I felt I had to stay and BE responsible, try everything, until I had exhausted everything and certainly exhausted myself.
    To put that energy into my own life is a revelation, but I have to reclaim it and get well in order to do it.
    Melanie has been there and re-cycling the modules helps get rid of more and more layers of encrusted attitudes, beliefs and soul traps. If you’re thinking about doing NARP, all I can say is Go For It.
    p.s if my icon photo still comes up can you please delete it? Thanks

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 5, 2013

      HI Becca,

      thank you for your post!

      That is great that you have been going within and transforming these limiting beliefs and feeling the relief and empowerment of doing so.

      Becca I can’t delete your picture from this end. You will have to log in to your blog post profile and delete it from your end.

      Let me know if you are not sure how to do that, and I will find out for you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • tms@midco.net'
    Jeanine
    April 5, 2013

    Dear Mel,
    I watch Dr. Phil every week and have thought many times to contact the show and tell them my story and that my story mirrors most who have been involved with a NARP. It amazes me when reading other posts how close related they are all. Please, please contact Dr. Phil to be a guest to provide all this knowledge to help the endless pain for many, many women. I would be happy to e-mail or go on his site to ask for you to be on and I believe many others would do the same! Thank you for giving us the map to healing our inner self! Jeanine

    • kaleocolt@gmail.com'
      sharon
      April 6, 2013

      Jeanine…I have written on the subject to Dr Phil a few times. Never a reply. He touched on narcissists a while back and didn’t even begin to touch on the devastation that narcissists really do to their partners and children. I’m sure you have heard him plug his new book…well he calls them batters, but what they really are is narcissists. Maybe if Mel contacts the Dr Phil show they will respond. Or maybe if you me and others keep writing we can get somewhere!

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        April 6, 2013

        Yes ladoes,

        this would be a wonderful thing to manifest. Oprah I feel is a better target, as she is very, very open to vibrational / spiritual solutions.

        Mel xo

        • kaleocolt@gmail.com'
          sharon
          April 7, 2013

          Oprah doesn’t have her talk show anymore..she does have her own network! And I think does some shows on there. She is doing something called lifeclass…I think it is some kind of show. And is looking for people and their stories…Dr Phil is joining in on this…Maybe try contacting her about life class…I think you have a lot more clout And a better chance of making a connection! Thank you for your advice on my other post I will keep working the program. There was just so much left unsaid…thought that had something to do with it!

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    Ruth
    April 6, 2013

    My logical mind knows the abuse is not happening to me now. My feelings don’t care what my mind thinks! This has resulted in much inner conflict between my heart and mind….’just let it go’ ‘get over it’ ‘enough already’…..my heart protests, and my little girl screams, ‘pay attention to me’. I have learned so much about honouring all of me and not letting the logical mind cut me off from my soul. That becomes a defence, a sneaky way of not really being with the truth. I am giving myself the safety and love I need to really work through what is true for me, and to integrate it all. Thank you once again, for validating this process.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 6, 2013

      Hi Ruth,

      this is wonderful that you have realised resolution requires granting your soul attention.

      It is perfect that you are working on your inner being – because that is where it is all at, and you are so welcome.

      Mel xo

  • kaleocolt@gmail.com'
    sharon
    April 6, 2013

    I split up with my ex narc early last summer. Have had no contact with him since Oct…and from the break up to Oct the contact was minimal..just for hm to get all his stuff. I have no desire to contact him. The thought of him disgusts me! How ever I still have conversations in my head! Since there is no closure with a narc I was wondering is this why it takes so long to get them totally out of your head? The conversations are always me saying the things I wished I had said. The other thing is when I sent him packing I did not know about narcissists. So now looking back on the relationship I know it was all lies, and have learned more things about him. Since I haven’t spoken to him to tell him I know about the lies and other things he has done could that be why I keep having the conversations in my head? I feel strong and good about who I am ….I have worked the NARP program. Just wish the conversations would end…even tough I am always the victor in them! LOL!

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    April 6, 2013

    Hi Sharon,

    No the fact that you have no closure with a narcissist is not the reason why you can’t get him out of your head. The reason is you have still have unhealed inner parts within you that require your attention.

    Ok you say you have worked the NARP Porgam, rather than I AM working the NARP Porgam.

    The whole thing about NARP is it is the ongoing process to address your unhealed parts to heal so that you no longer have the painful / thoughts feelings about your narcissistic abuse expereince, AND so you no longer vibrate at an emotional resonance of your focus and point of attraction being more abusive and disappointing relationships.

    The fact that you have thoughts and feelings that are still in repeat means that there is still more inner work for you to do. To do that work all you need to do is identify the painful repeat thoughts / feelings and go to the appropriate healings that fit into those categories, and then you will clean up your related inner beleif systems.

    Then there will be no thoughts / feelings that plague you.

    Mel xo

  • j201053@yahoo.com'
    NPD thoughts
    April 8, 2013

    I don’t know what to put in the field “website” above. I do not have a website but have read your blogs and they are so very helpful. Melanie, I really hope you will write a blog about this, soon: I have studied NDP behavior on various websites, and especially yours. I feel so much better and no longer feel like I am loosing my mind. I have documented everything factually, like a police officer would (she did this, said this vs my perception and feelings, although I am self aware and know how the behavior impacts me emotionally and spiritually. What I have now is a decade long list of examples that show a pattern of NPD behavior. What I am wondering, is if NPD behavior os pervasive- if this is a sibling, does her husband also see it? Does the NPD deep down know something is not right (say some websites, the knowing or feeling they are flawed, like all of us anyway- but a deeply flawed self perception so the NPD covers it up through manipulation and control all to make them look perfect), would NPD behavior then be seen by at least more than one person? If I am the only one that sees it, then is it NPD because the person is NPD or has NPD trait, or maybe they simply do not like me, have intense jealousy or other issues projected at me- in many ways this can still be NPD like, but it does not happen with anyone else. Would you please write about this? I know part of the NPD trauma experience is that no one else sees it, that if you try to tell someone you look bad as they see only a wonderful, kind, funny human being. So then you have to trust your own experience which is skewed since the NPD is masterful at denying reality and blame shifting to the point where you don’t know what is real anymore. But is it always like this? Does only one person “get” to experience the NPD behavior? If it is a sibling, and you cut off contact, will this NPD person HAVE TO find at least one other replacement? What if it is someone you are dating? Does te man yu leave eventually treat any woman he is with, any serious girlfriend, the same way he treated you, or in his next relationship is he just nice and normal since he loves her and not you, you were the one to get the NPD behavior? In other words, if a man treats me narcissistically, is it because he is a narcissist, or he simply didn;t love me and he responded with NPD behavior which a woman he loves following being with me may never ever see, or does the NPD behavior come out eventually regardless of the woman? Finally I red on a website that NPDs can sense prey, like animals do. I can see this, since we are all animals after all. How can I find my true inner power as a strong, feminine woman, kind and feminine, yet not have an NPD pick up the sense of gentle and kind prey? That balance is very difficult for me (and not one I wold even attempt to develop with a relationship with an NPD). Hope to see your response to this is a blog. Thank you for your good soul and shining light in this world Melanie 🙂

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    April 8, 2013

    Hi NPD Thoughts,

    I have read your questions…and here is my take on this – in order to understand NPD further.

    Truly I recommend getting Sam Vakin’s book ‘Malignant Self-Love’…I have never read deeper insights that resonated so strongly with than what I read in this book.

    Then my recommendation would be to get your focus off narcs!!! Truly your vibration, your life, your creation of Who You Really Are cannot take place with being obsessed by narcs.

    It is all about partnering strongly with your inner self and life – which has NOTHING to do with narcs.

    They were simply the catalyst to propel us on our incredible journy of healing and creating self, joy and real life.

    If you keep your focus on narcs – then you are simply self-avoiding this personal journey of self.

    You will find every deep answer you want about narcs in Sam’s book – and then with all questions answered you can release, dedicate to your inner healing and claim your True Self.

    Mel xo

  • energizeintent@yahoo.com'
    Living The Dream
    April 9, 2013

    Hello, Beautiful Mel.

    Posted a question up about 4/5 and haven’t read back, so thought maybe it isn’t very visible since I posted it as a reply up there instead of as a new post down here. At present, it is the seventh post down. Am feeling curious about your perspectives and insights on it, so adding this note hoping it will help it be seen.

    Thanks bunches.

  • j201053@yahoo.com'
    NPD thoughts
    April 9, 2013

    Thank you! 🙂

  • Margarit72@aol.com'
    Jane
    April 9, 2013

    But what to do about the family of the narcissit? Such as his mom? Who sends me messages such as :”you want to force him to go to jail, and I hope you won’t succeed.” Me? “Force him”? her son, with whom im divorcing now, assaulted and threatened my life, but she does not see it. She blames me for putting him in jail, after i reported only a few of the horrific things he did, not all of them, and onviously i did that to protect myself, not to cause him any harm. After reading your blogs and articles, I understand I need to “let go” of the need to explain her what happened. I understand that whether she understands me or not is not important. It is only important that i indetstand myself. But I still go in my head times and times again about what she said, and can’t let go. It hurts me so much. She is the grandmother of our two children, and previously I had a wonderful relationship with her. Are you sure I should stop trying explaining myself to her? I don’t do any more explaining with her son: I have a restraining order against him. She hasn’t understood in the past , any time I mentioned he kicked or punched me she would say something like:” oh, but you didn’t get to the hospital with that.” Or :” you hurt him too. Not with your feast but in the way only a woman can.” She hasnt understood my past explanations. Should I disconnect from her, meaning my children will also likely not have much connection with her?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 10, 2013

      Hi Jane,

      yes I am sure – you need to stop explaining to her – because it is having no effect whatsoever. You are here truly to line up with your own truth and life, and not need to convince someone else (even your mother in-law) in order to be it and live it.

      Rather than endure the abuse from her (blaming) which has obviously been a pattern that has created the enabling her son – yes detach from her, lay boundaries, and then see what plays out with your children.

      You are the guardian of the wellbeing of your emotional vibration and if this means eliminating contact with her then that is your answer.

      If you can’t let go then you need to approach deeper healing on this so that you can release and transform those inner programs of ‘I am to blame’…’My worth depends on other’s approval’ etc…because these are some of the patterns which landed you (as they did all of us) in a narcissistic relationship in the first place.

      If you can’t let them go, and can’t get them out of your head this is a SUREFIRE signal from your subconscious that you are experiencing limiting beleifs about yourself that are not aligned with your True Self which are screaming out for your healing and attention.

      You can’t change her to get the relief, and you were never meant to – because these are your limiting beleifs – and she is simply the catalyst bringing them to your attention. If she wasn’t someone else in life would show up who would.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • margarit72@aol.com'
        Jane
        April 10, 2013

        Melanie,

        Thank you for responding to me. Your answer made me think deeper as to what is my wound here. I want to put a name on it so I can heal it. I also want to tell you I so much appreciate the time you took to respond to me, so If you won’t respond to what I write below, I will, of course, understand, and, may try to schedule a session with you.

        About my wound: I don’t think I am to blame or unworthy without my mother in law’s approval.
        I feel worthy and not at fault at all. I think my wound here is that I can’t stand it that someone thinks I can do something so mean so as to put someone else in jail (where the NARC spent two days) for no reason whatsoever. I wanted her to see he was projecting on me his lies, and malice, and that I didn’t do anything of what he said I did (such as having affairs, trying to kill him, and all sorts of crazy stuff he totally made up about me).
        So, I am wondering: Is my wound here being afraid of someone tarnishing my name? Why do I care? Why should I care? I am trying to break down my wound logically. I want to understand this wound, and then release it.

        So, I am going deeper. I am very worried that she will tell the lies he fed her to my kids, which would add to what their father is telling them about me anyway. I am worried about my children’s and others’ opinion about me. So, I want (still very tempted – but I won’t, per your advise) to send her a voicemail he left me where he threatened to kill me and see what she will say, hoping that she maybe would understand me this time.
        But I think I know what she will say in response anyway. Probably something like: “ok, that happened, this is in the past now, he does not do this anymore, so what do you want now? He is so miserable, he is suffering, so give him what he wants in the divorce case and each one of you will continue with their life.” A response that would be similar to responses she has given me in the past, when I mentioned stuff he did. A response that always made me feel even worse, because she would not acknowledge my pain.

        So, as I am writing this post to you, and to myself, I am going deeper into that wound. Maybe this is my wound: I want her to acknowledge my pain. I want an acknowledgment that I was hurt. I am hoping that for once her response will be different. And I’m asking myself: Why on earth do I need that from her?

        I read many of your posts about “old wounds,” so now I am thinking she is not the first one who I wanted to acknowledge my pain, with no success, despite years of trying. Here it is: I asked my mom so many times to acknowledge my pain when my brother did emotionally abusive things to me, and my pain of growing up in an emotionally abusive environment due to my father’s temper. I love my mom dearly and I know she loves me, she did and would do anything for me. We have a very special connection. But she refuses to do this: she refuses to acknowledge I was hurt. Instead she will minimize what happened… of which I am reminded any time my mother in law minimizes what happened to me with her son.

        So, towards the end of my post, things are starting to clear up for me. I start to see my pattern now. I understand I need to let go of the need to get an acknowledgment to my pain from someone close to me. This need of mine is external. And like you said, the external stuff has nothing to do with internal growth.

        How do I let go of this need, which I still have? The NARC program? I am thinking about doing it all the time.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          April 10, 2013

          Hi Jane,

          you are so welcome.

          Yes, of course that makes sense the injustice of it all – which is SO typical of what occurs with narc abuse – in so many aspects.

          Hence why it is so important to shore up the inner part of us (which is normal and human) that is so susceptible to thinking our wellbeing and creations and truth are susceptibe to smear campaigns and other people’s versions of us.

          Which they are NOT if we become emotionally healed and aligned in our own power.

          Yes, you are right trying to convince her of what played out – will be dismissed, as it is ALWAYS is with narc abuse because truly this deeply spiritual lesson is not about getting any relief ‘from the outside’…that all equals ‘how to lose’…the relief and THEN the outer shifts that follow ONLY happen when we make the shifts on the inside.

          This is the phenomenon I deeply experienced personally and then with thousands of other people recovering from narc abuse as well – who did make the shifts on their own inner programs.

          It is a deep energetic law, and it plays out powerfully when we rise from the victimhood of what happened to take our own emotional power back – firmly between us and ourself.

          This is what true empowerment, self-love, self-acceptance and our evolution is all about – and there is no more powerful wakeup call to achieve this (in my opinion) than beiing narc abused.

          Great you have acknowledged the pattern – and this is fantastic – because now you are in the driver’s seat. So now you can understand what happened… You still had the unhealed injustice of that pain re your mother and brother wedged in your subconscious.

          Because it wasn’t yet healed life arranged all the circumstances with your Soul to present it again – just with different players this time. That is what life and our souls ingeniously do.

          YES re NARP! Truly I don’t know how many times i have pointed people to NARP to do the inner work on this, that or the other…in other words all of the pain re narc abuse…because the Porgam is all about leading you to transforming these subconscious wounds – regardless of what they specifically are!

          Because all hurt – and ‘stuff’ showing up is the signal of unhealed inner wounds!

          I hope this helps – and it is so wonderful you are going within now and connecting the dots – because that is where your true power and ability to change your life really is!

          Bravo!

          Mel xo

  • kparato@yahoo.com'
    kpax
    April 10, 2013

    Hi Mel,

    My ex wife is a Narc. It is surprising; all the realizations that came to me after reading much of your website. My ex wife was so covert and insidious in her ways of denigrating me I did not even realize what was happening until my entire self worth was almost eliminated. But as my realizations and emotions come to surface it is helping me heal. Thanks for your compassion especially for all the people you have never met but care about!

  • margarit72@aol.com'
    Jane
    April 10, 2013

    Melanie,

    I understand what I need to do now. While logically I can’t phantom how life arranged for me a similar story, just with different people, I feel you are right: what happened to me happened on a different level. And that’s where I need to go back to. I will be on my way there soon. Will get NARC and see what happens.

    Thank you for your inspiration and encouragement. If I need further help, I will be in touch. I want to give you a kiss and a hug here from the US 🙂

  • noelle@copper.net'
    nicole
    April 13, 2013

    I need some help understanding. I have been married to a narc for 19 years. I felt he was my night in shining armor. At times I never felt so loved. However it has now been 2 years since I “kicked” him out of the house because he was continuing with an affair. We are still not legally divorcced. The pain is great & even though I do not want to continue in a relationship with him, every time I see him or have contact (which is too often, we have 2 small children ) it seems to throw me under the bus. When I was a small child my parents divorced & I went to live with my dad & step mom. Then my dad divorced my step mom in my very late teens. I felt this was extremely difficult to go through. Now in my own situation, I feel as though all of that pain from those previous years and what I am going through now with my husband is too much. It is what made me stay in the relationship with him after he cheated the first time, where do I put all of these emotions and really heal? Often I feel as though, am I not worthy of love? One of the most important things to me as always been….to have a family. (a mother, father, children) Again, I would have done anything to keep “my family” together. Thank goodness, the narc really did not ever want to come “home” after I kicked him out but continues to “beat me up verbally” whenever we see one another and he does it in such a “loving” way.

  • creamcheesedesserts@yahoo.com'
    Michelle
    April 16, 2013

    Hello Melanie and everyone!

    THis is extrememly difficult! I have been separated from a narcissitic man, (Now my ex-husband) for two years and divorced for six
    months. He has asked me to remarry him and has even given me a ring,and I took it even while knowing I can NEVER remarry him! It is hard to let go, but I truly have alot of work to do. I cannot afford the program right now as I have no income, but your posts and free e-books have helped me tremendously! I of course am giving him back his ring, but like I said, I have alot of work to do. I need to talk to someone at times because I feel like I cant take it, thenI read your post and emails, and draw strength and know deep withinn myself he will never change and will continue to hurt me if I allow him to. Thank you again for all of your stories and support!

  • Felciano@gmail.com'
    Jennefer Dragg
    April 20, 2013

    Hello.This post was really motivating, particularly because I was searching for thoughts on this topic last Monday.

  • dilana1606@yahoo.com'
    Eva
    April 30, 2013

    Hello Mel,
    I am doing NARP program one month .I was doing lots of work on myself before, I am therapist myelf this program, I finished school oh healing by program of Barbara Brenan and JUng…This work with subconsciousness is not new for me but I see the difference that this is faster way. I am grateful that I found you and thank you.On the modul 6 conserning the need to take responsibility for the narcist i felt that it was a lot of charge and today I worked with this and I took me to the previous lives where i was mother to my narcist ex, I protected from the village people who wanted to do him harm (he was guilty but I understood with mothers love), and another life when he died like a baby, a saw funeral and felt big sorrow, and the same spirit of my ex inside. Is it possible that I had that expiriance so deep? I was really moved with this because it was feeling that I have a son, I knew how it is like ( I dont have children yet).He was younger in this life for 10 years.I wanted to share this experience.Hug from Croatia.

  • lilltorill.andersen@gmail.com'
    No more self denial
    May 5, 2013

    Oh yes, I love this article!!

    And I can add something that I have spent a year now figuring out, and that is how important it is to know and recognise the difference between thoughts and emotions, when I want to be effective and succeed with Quanta Healing and in general healing from the abuse. 🙂
    Now: Over to another session from the NARP! Absolutely, I recommend it for everyone as it helps me get through all the stuff in a speed that seem to be unbelievable for my conventional therapist! 🙂

  • missnadinelouise@hotmail.com'
    Nadine
    May 6, 2013

    I go really well doing no contact for the first two weeks then I find it soooooo incredibly hard.. I pine for him and our dream that logically I NOW KNOW just will never be.

  • kay.pollock@havant.ac.uk'
    Kay
    June 6, 2013

    hello Mel, thanks you so much for the information you send out about recovering from a relationship with a narcissist. This is an especially helpful section as I have been going over and over the reasons etc, trying to understand his actions– and of course i can now see that this has just compounded my attraction and connection to him. I see more clearly the work I still have to do about my personal boundaries. I am looking forward to this work, and it no longer seems so scary! With many thanks, Kay.

  • kslue52@yahoo.co.uk'
    Kathleen
    January 16, 2014

    I read with interest and totally agree. It also took me 2 years after separation (5 years of marriage before that). It also illustrates how different the logical mind is from our emotions when I tell you my daughter simply stated ‘if you have anything more to do with him, don’t see me again.’ It was like torture, hiding meetings etc. My logical mind told me I should be ashamed of myself know he was lying to me constantly, cheating on me all the time but I still went back for more. He took my 60 years of life savings but the worst was my heart. Now I just think – well he was a fake anyway, so I’m just angry he wasted 7 valuable years of my life. Feeling good now and looking forward by the way!

  • aquagal2010@live.com'
    Susan
    March 31, 2014

    Melanie, I have just read your article and I just want to make this comment. If before the age of 9 years old we learn that ‘love is abuse’ and pain is internalised, should you be brought up in that environment, are you then saying that the NC has become that way and he is a damaged soul? When I discovered that this was possibly the reason for the decades of abuse I received, long after we divorced and I moved on, I felt the pain in his life. With everything I have been reading on your site, I feel you will probably tell me that I am trying to be logical and analytical and that will not solve my emotional and mental pain. I also feel that someone can BECOME a narcissist during their lifetime, as my husband was a wonderful caring man for 12 years, until my mother disapproved of him and put him down and in employment he had an injury which he denied he did in his employ and we had to take him to Court to claim his compensation. During those two years, he and I had nervous breakdowns, I recovered, but he never did and over the years it ‘appeared’ that the abuse of me (all and every narcissistic trait) escalated to rage and tears, throwing things, blame game, silent treatment, embarrassing me in company etc. I wonder whether it is only in childhood that narcissism occurs or is it possible that it can happen later as a protection of ‘self’.

  • stevecoffey60@gmail.com'
    Steve Coffey
    October 23, 2016

    Anyone doing this work in the Toronto Canada area?

  • Hcarpenter2@yahoo.com'
    Heather
    December 31, 2017

    Hey Melanie. I am deff looking for a program to help me get out all the wounds buried inside me. MY question is though I have been out of my narc relationship for over a year now and feel very good about where I am however I still have inner wounds I know I need to heal, though not as many related to that relationship. Many of them were present long before him. Would you still recommend your NARP program or would one of your other programs be better for me? I get some issues were made worse by him but I think some parts of your NARP program may not be applicable to me anymore so far out of the relationship? I’d love to experiment with the quantum healing but not sure which program is right for me?

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