Melanie Tonia Evans

Authentic And Narcissistic Relationships – What Is The Difference?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 0
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

Lately I have been asked this question a lot – “What does an authentic relationship look like as opposed to a narcissistic relationship?” I freely admit that when I was involved in narcissistic relationships I too was very confused, and in fact I struggled to be clear about what a real, healthy relationship looks like, and what it is comprised of.

After a great deal of healing on myself, a lot of shifting of my unhealed parts, a lot of research and a lot of study – eventually and fortunately, what a healthy relationship looks like became crystal clear to me and this is what I would like to share with you in this article today.

This information, I know can help you – because it will allow you to know what an authentic relationship is really about, and most importantly who you need to be in order to create an authentic relationship.

By learning what a healthy relationship is this will allow you to know what to work on in order to prepare for a healthy relationship and how to create a relationship with life and yourself in order to attract who will meet you at this high vibrational level.

I previously recommend Gary Zukav’s Book Spiritual Partnership. This book lays a wonderful foundation to understand that your responsibility in a relationship is to take full ownership of working on your unhealed parts (as Gary calls them ‘the frightened parts of your personality’). This means spiritually growing and presenting yourself as healthily as possible as your half of a genuine soul partnership.

This is all about being prepared to focus on going within – taking responsibility for your painful triggers and old subconscious stories and being committed to your personal and spiritual growth to heal past these wounds.

If you are not committed to personal growth your half of the relationship is going to suffer, because there is no arena like an intimate relationship where your unhealed wounds are going to surface the most. These unhealed parts are your responsibility – not your partner’s.

Also we need to deeply remember – the relationship we attract into our life will reflect back at us those unhealed parts.

Don Miguel Ruiz’s wonderful book Mastery of Love is a very similar message. If you haven’t read this book either I also highly suggest it.

Today in this article I would like to take the journey deeper by granting more information and making the vast distinctions between an authentic relationship model and a narcissistic relationship model.

To do this effectively I will segment certain aspects of relationships.


Connection – Authentic Relationship

Authentic relationships celebrate two individuals as being separate entities. This relationship is not enmeshed, it is not energy reliant, and it is not co-dependent. It comprises of two individuals who are emotionally healthy and separate.

For die-hard romantics this may be disappointing. You may wish to be engulfed in ‘the love of your life’, ‘the person you can’t live without’ or ‘the person you can’t stop thinking about’.

The reason this doesn’t constitute a healthy relationship is that there is no psychic or emotional space. When psychic and emotional boundaries get enmeshed this means I stop seeing you as ‘you’, and you stop seeing me as ‘me’. This is the place where boundaries, respect and reverence become blurry and confused.

It is important to understand this: It is the ‘space’ between two people in which passion, connectedness, true intimacy, deep sharing, love, support and trust can breathe, grow and occur.

Without this space – enmeshment, engulfment, unhealthy expectations and dependencies get created. The relationship is smothered and stunted. It significantly runs the risk of forgoing the respect of separate identities and can become toxic.

The most enmeshed co-dependent relationships which ironically initially seemed so gloriously ‘loving’ are the ones at greatest risk.

If I see you as ‘you’ and you see me as ‘me’ then when we come together, we retain ourselves, we respect and have reverence for each other (healthy boundaries) and we create a third entity – the relationship. This relationship does not involve a power struggle of needing each other’s energy, threatening our own energy, pulling on it, diminishing it or draining it.

The third entity – the relationship – breathes back life into us as individuals and the energy of us as healthy and ‘full’ individuals breathes life and passion back into the relationship.


Connection – Narcissistic Relationship

A relationship with narcissist is one of enmeshment and engulfment. The relationship did not develop over time with two healthy self-fulfilled people retaining their interests and creating a healthy third entity (the relationship) at a respectful and healthy pace.

If we were to think of two separate circles retaining a great amount of their integrity and then meeting in the middle to create a third ‘circle’ that is the model of a healthy relationship.

The visual drawing of a relationship with a narcissist is both circles being enmeshed together as ‘one’ and then the circle of the non-narcissistic person gets less and less as the narcissistic individual’s circle takes over.

It is very important to understand both parties in a narcissistic relationship are co-dependent. The narcissist is in fact the most ‘co-dependent’ of the two.

The narcissist needs your energy, approval and attention (narcissistic supply) to emotionally survive, and this is the greatest driving force for a narcissist to enter a relationship. It is actually the greatest driving force that consumes the narcissist all day every day.

The narcissist does not see you as ‘you’ or allow you to have space emotionally to be an individual. You will be manipulated, controlled and punished to be what the narcissist wants you to be in order to hand over the narcissistic supply that the narcissist’s False Self craves.

The victim falls into this energy engulfment and believes that finally this person is the answer to every relationship requirement. The narcissist presents themselves as everything the victim desperately needed but feels they may not be able to provide for themself.

The narcissistic / co-dependent relationship is a connection of seeking external energy and power. ‘I need energy from the outside in order to feel whole and worthy’. People who believe in all-consuming idealised love, or are needy for this version of relationship are highly susceptible.

Psychic, emotional and physical space gets taken up and permeated. The narcissist has to enmesh with you at this level to read you and control you. Despite the uncomfortableness of being love-bombed or other warning signs that present with the narcissist, such as exposure of pathological lies, or other sources of supply (previous and still existing partners) appearing and protesting, you allow it.

As everyone knows who has been through an intense relationship with a narcissist, the idealising (being glorified by the narcissist as his or her new wonderful source of narcissistic supply) is inevitably followed by the devaluing and discarding of you when you no longer feed the insatiable requirements of the False Self appropriately.

Respect and boundaries become null and void and the pathological and vengeful nature of the narcissist destroys trust. Connectedness and real intimacy (which never actually existed) is disintegrated time and time again.

The relationship becomes a power struggle of survival, obsession, toxicity, addiction and destruction. Your energy is being sucked out of you, and your character twisted and turned as you suffer immense character assassinations and pathological projections.

You are severely diminished, and it is impossible to know where you, the narcissist and or ‘the relationship’ begins or ends. It is a toxic engulfed, pathological, enmeshed mess. The relationship disintegrates rather than grows.

Completely absent is the authentic relationship connection model: The relationship grows from the energy of the individuals, and the individuals grow from the energy of the relationship.


Allowing Others to Be Themselves – Authentic Relationship

Authentic relationships do not need to make the other person be a certain way in order for the other partner to be happy.

In an authentic relationship if you are having a bad day, I don’t need to change your mood in order for me to be okay. If I try to fix you to make me feel better or feel you will take it out on me if I don’t fix you, then either I am controlling you or you are controlling me.

In an authentic relationship I can honour you enough to allow you to process and do what you need to do in order to look after you, and you honour yourself and me enough to take the responsibility to do that.

Neither person needs to suffer in the meantime.


Allowing Others to Be Themselves – Narcissistic Relationship

A relationship with a narcissist is all about the narcissist controlling you to administer narcissistic supply in order for him or her to feel better. Initially this is the giving to get – to draw the attention of how wonderful you believed the narcissist is.

Later when you are not dispensing the right supply to uphold the pathological version of the False Self as all important, wonderful, above reproach, special, unique and omnipotent, you will be severely , maliciously and vengefully punished. This then grants the version of narcissistic supply that allows the narcissist to know he or she is important enough to shatter your emotions and your life.

You will discover that you are often, if not virtually always, the scapegoat and held responsible for the narcissist’s bad moods. The narcissist does not take responsibility for and process healthily his or her negative emotions, and the narcissist due to his or her pathological envy has zero tolerance for you continuing to be happy in life when he or she isn’t.

You certainly don’t allow the narcissist to be his or her self either. As the narcissistic pathological behaviour emerges and intensifies you become deeply embedded into the co-dependent outer-focus game. You are so unsafe, so on edge and so emotionally dishevelled that you retaliate with controlling behaviour trying to frantically change what the narcissist is or isn’t doing in order to stop the abuse and emotionally survive.

Completely absent is the authentic relationship model: Not needing the other person to be a certain way in order to be happy.


Emotional Authenticity – Authentic Relationship

In authentic relationships individuals do not look to the other person and try to ‘read them’ or ‘diagnose them’ in order to decide how to ‘show up’ in order to get the best effect. This equates to handing over one’s power, and / or seeking to manipulate situations

In authentic relationships individuals present with emotional authenticity. They are committed to non-violent communication with integrity. They are honest about how they feel and take 100% responsibility for how they feel. They express this to their partner authentically.

How this looks is: if I am upset with something you did I can state ‘I feel (the feeling) when you (what you did) could we (offer a solution)?’ This is done rather than bottling and not expressing it until it reaches a point where I express hurt at an inappropriate intensity or in an unacceptable way, or simply expect you to know what is going on with me without being emotionally authentic.

Authentic relationships create true intimacy as a result of being committed to emotional authenticity. By me expressing my emotions honestly it grants you the opportunity to meet me at this high vibration of truth and connectedness. Because I honour my feelings enough to know they are valuable and worth expressing, this grants you the invitation to value my emotions too and wish to support them.

If you accept my invitation of this high frequency of ‘In To Me See’ (intimacy) you can meet me at a heart level of integrity and love. You are not playing a guessing game with me; you can trust me and know who I truly am. You are inspired to grant me compassion and support in this vibration of ‘realness’.

No longer are we in a mental head struggle, we are connected through our hearts, and don’t need to argue or agree on semantics and details in order to connect.

I can only be emotionally authentic with you if I am emotionally authentic with myself. I can only be real with you about my feelings and my heart if I have learnt to love and accept and value myself unconditionally, including my vulnerable and painful feelings.

It is only people who have worked at their inner development who can be at this level.

This is the level of: “I no longer fear being rejected and abandoned when showing up as the real me (flaws and all).” 

Showing up with true emotional authenticity is a key feature of authentic relationships.


Emotional Authenticity – Narcissistic Relationship

You can’t see the narcissist as him or herself because the narcissist is showing you a False Self, a fictitious character assigned to extract narcissistic supply. When you do see the real person you recoil in horror at the maiming, persecuting, insecure, vengeful malicious being who you thought was ‘the love of your life’.

In a relationship with a narcissistic individual the narcissist is always reading you and diagnosing your behaviour (body-language included), in order to know how best to lie, manipulate, feign or control in order to gain narcissistic supply – and is firmly committed to not showing up authentically.

The narcissist hides frenetically what is really going on with him or her, until the mask drops and it is blatantly obvious. At those times these painful thoughts and feelings are not expressed in self-ownership or integrity – they are projected and scapegoated by the fiercely defending False Self.

The narcissist firmly believes that his or her vulnerable parts (true emotions) are totally unacceptable and will lead to rejection and abandonment if exposed, and this does not allow the narcissist to engage in honest emotional communication. The narcissist rejected and abandoned his or her True Self long ago, hence why a False Self was created instead.

The narcissist will tell you a completely different version of reality and then blow up and accuse you of all the reasons you are not good enough for his or her False Self. These accusations were never previously raised by the narcissist with integrity as emotionally authentic needs.

You never know one moment to the next what the narcissist is thinking, and / or capable of – and the truth is, because of the narcissist’s disowned True Self, neither does the narcissist. The intensity and inappropriateness of the blow ups and attacks from the narcissist constitute malicious and violent communication.

This is where you have to be really honest with yourself and take your responsibility for self.

You are also not in emotional integrity. You dismissed many warning signs early on that triggered you and you did not speak up. This means you weren’t solid enough to express your emotions authentically either. You decided to push uncomfortable feelings aside and hope for the best, rather than put any strain on the fantasy you wanted to believe this relationship was.

When you do get really truthful with yourself and your own self-healing inner processes, you will understand that you too were running your own versions of fear of abandonment and rejection if you fully and truthfully exposed your True Self and showed up authentically.

This means you can realise that your essential personal growth requires doing the inner work of fully loving and accepting yourself, and every part of you including your own uncomfortable and not so great feelings so that you can be authentic to yourself and in relationships.

Within a narcissistic relationship the more abused you become the more and more difficult it becomes for you to express your emotions appropriately and operate in emotional authenticity – or to even know and believe you have emotional rights and value. The intensity of expressing your feelings will be manic and quite possible deranged as a result of the mind-bending abuse.

Communication within the narcissistic relationship model is the arena where the dysfunctions are the most highly apparent, and within this model of disordered communication trust, authenticity and intimacy is shattered.

Completely absent is the authentic relationship model: Both individuals showing up with emotional authenticity and healthy non-violent communication.


Personal Responsibility – Authentic Relationship

In an authentic relationship I can leave you to work on your inner stuff, and I don’t take responsibility for it. I don’t try to fix you, and I don’t accept your projections of it on to me. I take full responsibility for my 50% of the relationships (my unhealed parts and triggers), and I let you take responsibility for your half. I know I can’t heal you – I know only you can heal you – and I encourage and promote you in your self-empowerment and self-responsibility to do so.

I support and love your journey of ‘going within’ just as I love my own.

I meet you with love, support and care when you come to me with emotional authenticity, just as I invite you to as well – and I know that authentic love means pulling me up with integrity if I don’t.

In authentic relationships people are going to slip up at times, absolutely – but no longer is the goal about controlling and ‘getting’, or materialism, survival or projection and self-avoidance – it is about a deep commitment to spiritual goals and personal growth and creating the most joyous, real, passionate level of deep integrity, trust, love and intimacy possible.

The slip ups and continued healing and taking responsibility are all a part of that. As each challenge is healed with personal responsibility and emotional authenticity the promise of love, trust and connection grows even deeper.


Personal Responsibility – Narcissistic Relationship

In a relationship with a narcissist – he or she is not committed to working on inner wounds.

The narcissist will not drop the False Self in order to honestly meet the unhealed wounds, and may use therapy, books or suggestions to get some relief in order to gain energy for the False Self to reinstate itself again as ‘business as usual’.

Therapy with a narcissist is also a way for the narcissist to discredit the partner, project blame and create more control – or simply play out the ‘telling of want you want to hear’ to keep you as narcissistic supply.

You may also not be taking responsibility for working on your unhealed parts. You are in survival mode, you are trying to combat the rug being pulled out from beneath you at a moment’s notice, the being adored one moment and despised the next, and the narcissist always finding ways to extract supply and / or project on to you and maim you further.

This is why it can be very difficult to take full responsibility for yourself until you have created No Contact and can determinedly dedicate yourself to your own healing.

Completely absent is the authentic relationship model: Both individuals taking full responsibility for their own unhealed parts and their half of the relationship.


Self-Love and Self-Value – Authentic Relationship

An authentic relationship is a relationship where each individual values and loves themselves and has done enough personal development to firmly understand If I don’t value and love myself I will require that from you.

In authentic relationships what this means is there is no longer the neediness to get attention, to be appreciated, to be ‘fed’ the good feelings that an individual is not creating for themself – and holding the other person responsible for.

Authentic relationships do not ‘give’ because it is expected, demanded or to offset the fear of abandonment, rejection or disapproval if they don’t. Giving is not done in order to get energy back.

Authentic relationships supply appreciation, love, support and care as a natural expansion of sharing energy.

In authentic relationships both individuals have done enough development work on themselves to be ‘In-Love’ before connecting to a relationship.

What being ‘In-Love’ means is to have done an inner journey, looked within and established ‘What is it within myself that is blocking me off from being and experiencing true authentic love?’‘ and then clearing those inner blocks.

What this focus creates is a powerful vibration of being imperfectly perfect – meaning – ‘I unconditionally love and accept myself wounds and all, and I am committed to working on healing these wounds in order to become the best, most loving and authentic person I can be.’

This is what the journey of creating self-love and self-value is all about.

It is the internal creation of authentic love which then can be shared in an authentic relationship. This doesn’t stop when the authentic relationship shows up. The focus is on continued inner seeking, taking responsibility, personal development and working on self in order to strengthen and maintain the ‘In-Love’ state, in order to be the best partner you can be for your 50% of the relationship.


Self-Love and Self-Value – Narcissistic Relationship

The narcissist rather than loving and valuing him or herself is filled with intense self-loathing and toxic shame, and is dependent on outside energy to offset emotional self-annihilation.

Whilst in a relationship with a narcissist, your levels of self-love and self-value are also terribly deficient.  You don’t leave and honour yourself, desperately hoping that the ‘perfect partner’ will return. You, just like the narcissist, have made another person responsible for your emotional wellbeing. You are hanging on to try to reclaim the person who was showering you the energy which made you believe you were lovable and valuable.

Both you and the narcissistic are self-avoiding – not taking responsibility for self-love and self-value – and instead looking to the outside for it and power struggling over it.

Completely absent is the authentic relationship model: Two people who embody self-love and self-value.


How To Create an Authentic Relationship

I hope this article has helped you understand what your true goal in relationships is.

I would like you to understand this – if you want the height of heights, if you want a true soul partnership, a real soul connection of incredible trust, love, passion and integrity – the model of Authentic Relationship is what you want to aim for.

To believe it exists for you – you need to become it.

Remember in this physical energetic Universe – water seeks its own level – you can only create the outer relationship that reflects back to you the relationship you have established within yourself.

If you feel inspired to create an Authentic Relationship here is a very simple point form of your goals:

1) Take full responsibility that authentic love starts with yourself and turn your focus determinedly inwards to yourself.

2) Clean up your fearful and painful inner programs that are still connecting you to painful and non-authentic choices, behaviour and relationships.

3) Heal and use processes on yourself to become the vibration of ‘In-Love’.

4) Make it your absolute mission to show up with total emotional authenticity in every area of your life, and have no attachment or expectations as to what others do with this – this is about YOU becoming a high vibration of authenticity in order to receive it.

5) Know that by becoming this high vibration you are sending out a very powerful message to the Universe of ‘like attracts like’ and it is inevitable that you will connect with others and ultimately a soul love partnership at this level. (This person is already working hard on him of herself somewhere in the world to meet you at this high vibration of love!)

6) Know that by being this high vibration authentically you will easily see who is a potential partner who will meet you at this high vibration of IN-LOVE.

I hope this article has also helped you realise how futile a narcissistic relationship is – how it is everything but an authentic relationship. The narcissistic relationship was never meant to be an authentic relationship, and never will be.

Your narcissitic relationship was the wakeup call of a lifetime for you to work solidly on yourself so that you can become and attract the real deal

Real authentic love awaits you – but you need to be it. Then it will come!

I would love to hear your comments.


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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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63 Thoughts on Authentic And Narcissistic Relationships – What Is The Difference?
    March 28, 2013

    Dear Melanie, you say so clearly and wisely what I have waited so long to hear. Thank you for not being afraid to say it like it is. I have spent somewhere near 100 hours in therapy waiting for just this advice which never came. I am just reading your blogs and it is changing my life beyond recognition. I feel like I am drinking from the well of truth.

      March 28, 2013

      Beautifully said, Clare and I agree with you 100%. It’s been something like 2 or 3 weeks since I found Melanie online and the change I feel within myself is immense already even though I just started healing 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 28, 2013

      Hi Clare and Anita,

      I am glad my material has helped provide you with clarity – and you are both very welcome.

      Mel xo

    March 28, 2013

    Your advice is EXCELLENT and on the mark. When the sense of loss of my partner of 18 years, reaches a peak, I invariably revert to a desire to try again, thinking “I’ll do it right this time — right for me, right for him.” Reading your article (and the same kind of theme in other books or blogs), if nothing else makes me realize the my despair is more a product of a lack of self-love and I try so hard to follow the “instructions” for getting to that place. But then, when I’m done reading and thinking, “self-love” becomes such an abstract concept for me. Your six points at the end of the article make total sense but yet they end up feeling abstract. Perhaps because our true self is a spiritual self and our spiritual nature is NOT concrete; it IS abstract. It seems like the most concrete thing in my life are the tears that almost immediately start flowing every morning and every night. In between, as I teach and/or write, I do have some sense of an authentic me and I experience a certain degree of respite. But. . . oh well, enough commentary and “buts” from me. This article will be read and reread many times for me in the coming days and weeks. Perhaps something will sink in. Thanks for being you.

    March 28, 2013

    My spirit relates with the truths presented in this article and I so enjoy your writing style. Thanks for sharing your gift and for doing the work that you do in the world. I am so excited about what I am learning and how much I’ve grown in a short period of time. The transformation that is taking place within is awesome!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 28, 2013

      Hi Camille,

      you are very welcome, and that is terrific the transformation is taking pleace ‘within’ – because that is the authentic place which makes it ‘real’…

      Wonderful stuff! 🙂

      Mel xo

    March 28, 2013

    Re my previous comment, lest you think I’m not trying, here is an excerpt from a recent post about loss, on my blog:

    Morning can be the most difficult time. We awake to the reminder that we will not be going to the job we loved, the one that was such a good match for our skills. As we open our eyes, instead of the house that had become our home, we’re faced with a small rented apartment. As we reach to the other side of the bed to feel the warmth of our loved one, there’s nothing there but a pillow.

    It’s easy to be reminded of what has been lost, what’s missing. And, sad to say, the ease of that reminder, can cause us to forget the most important presence, the one that we can ignore, but never lose – our self, the one most qualified to lead the battle against the despair of loss. The only one who can ever give us the gift of true, personalized, honest recovery.

    Self disclosure: I’ve experienced loss. I still lose myself too often. I wrote the following poem as an antidote to loss of self. I invite you to use it as a template, changing words so that it is written to you, so that you can start each day with the message that you want to hear, that you need to hear; the only message that will reveal to you the simple secret of recovery.

    Good morning, beautiful person!

    As you slumbered the world was waiting eagerly – for your awakening, your return.

    And, oh, the joyful smile and open arms when the lover returns, reappears.

    Again, this morning, the world rejoices as you awake and reappear.

    The arms of the world eagerly embrace you. . .to encourage the love of learning. . . as you do . . .to offer a hug of encouragement or solace . . .as you do . . . .to tout tolerance, from yourself and others . . . as you do. . . to feel and express unconditional love to your grandchildren and all others. . . .as you do.

    It’s another day to celebrate your love affair with a world in need of love, a world in need of you.

    For you are loved, as you do.

    March 28, 2013


    After doing No Contact for 6 months I made a decision to try again. Thanks to some therapy and reading all your insightful material I was able to walk away after 3 weeks because of my establishing healthy boundaries and requiring accountabiilty. I was able to finally “see” the narcissist for who he is and I did not want that to be part of my truth. Of course the narcissist is not going to tolerate this. I continue to be a work in progress and this incredible article is a great reminder for me to continue healing my inner wounds. I’m certain God has not brought me through this journey to see me fail. I am loving all he and I have created me to be and I am looking forward to sharing an authentic relationship in the future. Thanks again.

      March 28, 2013

      Because I so wish that I could “try again,” your story interests me. Do you mind giving more detail (to save me from the longing and/or experiencing the diappointment first hand)? Did you, or he, institute “try again?” In either case, how? What behavior on his part made you realize so quickly that walking away was necessary? One of my problems is that, with no contact, I forget (or forgive) the “bad” and remember the good (put him on a pedestal to the extent that I imagine he is now so carefree, so happy to be rid of me, while I struggle through every day.)

        Christine, Switzerland
        March 28, 2013

        Hi Lydia, if he is a narcissist, do never ever try again! You will end up in the same chaos. Make the healing all about yourself, not about him. Put yourself on a pedestal, much better. I myself struggled sometimes, especially when I remembered the “good times”, but even those were not “real” most of the time. I try to establish a good balance about the good times, it is MY memory, which makes them good, but it does not change him or his behavior. Let go, do no contact and once you have healed, work towards a healthy relationship. I learned that the latter has to start with ourselves. So much for my gained wisdom and beliefs. May it help you a bit.

          March 28, 2013

          Thanks for your advice to Lydia. It spoke to me also. When one is dealing all alone with the abandonment and rejection and abuse AND the good memories, it’s so hard to keep a straight head. Since I’m not one for “labels,” I find it hard to dismiss a person whom I loved and with whom I DID share so many good and important times with one word: “narcissist.” I believe that you are so right when you refer to YOUR memory. I often think that what I miss is who I THOUGHT my partner was; not who he really was. (And, I seem to ignore the fact that he treats others — all the way from service workers to his only biological child — in the same way he treated me, with abuse and/or abandonment, “relationship time out” with the “reward” occuring when he allows you back into the relationship.)

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            March 28, 2013

            Hi Jay,

            after reading your posts I really do feel for you – I understand the pain of not wanting to accept what IS real, and not wanting to accept that you need to let go and make this all about ‘you’, rather than ‘you and him’…

            You have stated that he is a narcissist, and you know this. Now it is time to realise that it is only the unhealed parts of you that are trying to reason with God, Life, yourself and the narcissist to reinstate the illusion – the illusion that would mean that you don’t need to face and heal your inner self.

            You know the narcissist is never going to attend to his inner wounds – is that going to be you too? Maybe if you could do the dance togther with these wounds it might be okay – but you know the results that brings…soul-destroying – and you’re not going to ‘get away with’ self-avoiding – and you are not ‘meant to’.

            The way out of the pain is about you making it all about authentically loving yourself…truly within the article this is the standout message for you (in my opinion..)

            “…What being ‘In-Love’ means is to have done an inner journey, looked within and established ‘What is it within myself that is blocking me off from being and experiencing true authentic love?’‘ and then clearing those inner blocks.

            What this focus creates is a powerful vibration of being imperfectly perfect – meaning – ‘I unconditionally love and accept myself wounds and all, and I am committed to working on healing these wounds in order to become the best, most loving and authentic person I can be.’…..”

            It is very true that the inner self – the spiritual self is not physically tangible, not ‘a concrete’ thing…

            Jay when we understand how our subconscious programs communicate with us (our unhealed wounds) we know it is through sensation – it is through emotions – and the painful ones are the call to attention “There is something in here that needs to be looked at”…

            How much more REAL is anything in our life than our emotions?

            The problem is with our mind is that when we take our painful emotions up into our mind to try to manage them – all our mind does is spin around and around the painful feelings and mashes them up even more….our mind is not equipped to deal with emotions.

            Imagine saying ‘I Think Angry”…or ‘I think Sad”…can you see how that is not only grammatically incorrect, it also sounds ridiculous?

            This is why when you decide to commit to inner work and heal – the thinking stuff is the last place where you are going to get relief – it is in fact usually the worst way to go about it because it makes the emotional pain worse!

            When you decide you do want to commit to inner healing the way to do it is access tools that can work directly on your emotional body – which means directly on your subconscious…That is what the QFH Modules in NARP do – or take your time to research and find what can access your feeling level and heal you on the inside….

            Then you will make progress, start coming out the other side and see so clearly what this journey was all about and how necessary it is for your ‘self’ to heal.

            I hope this helps and the best of luck and healing.

            Mel xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 28, 2013

      Hi Lydia,

      that was wonderful that in such a short space of time after re-trying you did get clear, solid and ‘done’.

      Truly a testament to the more solidly established ‘you’ – fantastic!

      I love what you have written “I’m certain God has not brought me through this journey to see me fail.” and… “I am loving all he and I have created me to be…”

      This is so beautifully expressed and SO true. Yes this was not a cruel mistake – it was an incredible co-creation for an incredible reason. To give you back to truly loving you – and then creating ‘more of that’…

      And where you are right here – right now is perfect!

      You are doing wonderfully – Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

        March 31, 2013

        Thank you Melanie & all who have posted on the subject of authentic relationship, it has helped me clear a lot of fog surrounding, “what the heck was that all about” often a relationship with a NPD person scrambles our radar so fundamentally that it can be almost impossible to see how they get between us & ourselves, or rather we allow them to intrude on the most important relationship we have & that is the one we have with our own being & our connection to our own divine spirit. This goes for all of us who have a history of having been abused, these toxic relationships were accepted as the norm in out society, girls were mostly taught to accept the Narcissistic model of putting the partner first in an unhealthy & self negating way. Saying no to N abuse & reclaiming self love & worth not only heals the self but heals a sick society too. Again I appreciate this sharing of experiences & views so much, it helps me to locate the “blind spots” In Love, Love it, Jyoti X

    March 28, 2013

    I am so greatful for these emails. They arrive timely whenever I am in the midst of trying to find my way out of a painful, toxic relationship with a husband of 36 years. You have helped awaken in me the realization that I am co-dependent and not in the relationship for the correct reasons. I have been fearful of awakening because the reality is that I have to move on. Your words are penetrating at a high level and I am hearing them clearly now. I have been reading the material for a year now. I have not done the other programs because I am never alone in a private place. I am struggling with the suffocation and attempts to diffuse my independence daily. My sons are grown and supportive of my choices to leave. After 2 years of therapy, I have found that the work you are sharing is the most meaningful to me. Thank you for sharing these articles. Barb

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 28, 2013

      Hi Barb,

      I am so pleased my words are resonating.

      You are so right Barb really the biggest fear we have when we do realise is – I have to let go – and I have to stop self-avoiding. If I want my life to be okay and the pain to stop I HAVE TO heal and take full responsibility for myself!!

      It is wonderful that you have the full support of your sons to leave – that is a beautiful gift.

      At first this can seem terrifying – but when we start committing to it and becoming the person (from the inside out) we have always wanted to love and be at peace with (ourself!)…it is such a beautiful journey – and worth every raw millimeter of pain to get there.

      If you do start using the subconscious healing tools then you will see how much more powerfully, faster and more solidly you will get there. It is the most direct path.

      Hugs and best wishes.

      Mel xo

    March 28, 2013

    Wow. This is the second article of yours that I have read and I have to say….you are the first source I have come across that explains, in great detail, the exact thing that has happened in my life. Thank you so very much for clarifying everything that I have been trying to explain – to others, and to myself.
    As of today, I am free in the sense that we are finally divorced but still the target of his punishment.
    Because of your article today, I am going to grow even stronger and not allow his malicious and vengeful punishments bother me. I refuse to supply his narcissicm with any further fuel- of any kind- than that I already have in the last 28 years. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
    I am going to share your article and website with many people!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 28, 2013

      Hi Mary,

      I am so glad my material has helped grant you peace and clarity…

      This is wonderful you are reclaiming yourself and taking your power back. Thank you for passing on this message to others 🙂

      Mel xo

    March 28, 2013

    Very insightful. I’m into a new relationship with a man, after the narc dumped me 5 months ago. I’m enjoying being myself. I’m cautious but not afraid. I’m happy and serene. I connect with my inner self, my authentic self. NARP helps me a lot. How uplifting to learn that i am not to fix anyone.

    Thanks a lot Melanie- you’re an angel in human form.


    March 28, 2013

    Melanie, thank you for a dose of reality.
    Can’t get enough of your materials.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 28, 2013

      Hi Tony,

      you are so welcome!

      Just remember to really commit to the work on your inner subconscious programs – so that all this information goes beyond ‘just the mind’ and really takes hold deep in the core of your being…

      That’s where the real impact is!

      You may already be doing this! 🙂

      Mel xo

        March 28, 2013

        No I wasn’t but sure will now.. 🙂

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          March 28, 2013

          That’s great Tony!

          Because now your True Life can begin.

          Freedom, love and truth was never avaliable from ‘the outside’.

          Mel xo

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 28, 2013

    Hi Jewel,

    this is wonderful that you have been committed to the inner work through NARP and have been able to clean up the old pattern to make the space for what is so much healthier, and that you have been able to do it in such a short space of time – that is powerful commitment.

    You have raised your internal ‘relationship water level’ and that is what it is all about!

    That is so liberating you are happy to ‘be yourself’ which means you have learnt how to be that love and acceptance of yourself authentically…

    Keep showing up as the True You – as your emotional honesty / authenticity – and you will see where the level of true intimacy and connection this new relationship can be at.

    Also it is very important to not rest on your laurels and keep working on you to be the best you can!

    Jewel thank you for your gorgeous comment. I do know that I am. I also know that we are all angels if we choose to align our personality with our Soul Truth and claim the real Earth School experience we are here to be and enjoy!

    I love that you are a fellow traveller (as so many others are too) on this path.

    Bless and much love!

    Mel xo

    March 28, 2013

    Just a sincere expression of gratitude – so needed to read this today. Bless you for existing and sharing your wisdom.

    March 28, 2013

    Mel, thank you for the excellent article. I think I have to keep this one as a reminder. I’ve just ended a 36 year marriage. The no contact is such a relief. And it is easy to see my co-dependent needs. The reminder to value myself, and love myself, just as I am, is priceless. Thank you,Mo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 29, 2013

      Hi Mo,

      congratlulations on having the courage and inner truth to honour yourself after such a long marriage.

      This is wonderful that you are doing No Contact and now have your focus on healing you.

      I am so pleased you are embodying the most vital message of all – that right here right now you are in the perfect place and 100% worth your own unconditional love and acceptance.

      You truly are imperfectly perfect and divine as you are 🙂

      Mel xo

    March 28, 2013

    Hi Mel,
    My divorce from my Narc is coming close to becoming final. I have voraciously reading your blogs and listening to your show. Your advice is so helpful and rings true! This particular blog post has really hit home with me! It in fact has given me the strength to face the end of this unhealthy relationship that I have been in to looking forward to the future day by day. I look forward to learning something wonderful each day and savoring it!! This is a feeling that I have not had in such a long time! I look forward to bettering myself and sharing myself with others! Thank you Mel for helping me to become strong again! Lots of XOXOXOXOXOX

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 29, 2013

      Hi Maddie,

      I am so pleased this article has helped so much.

      This is so beautiful that you are building with the truth of growing, learning and healing and can feel the wonders and truth you will create for your life from the inside out.

      Then how beautiful it will be (and is) for you to share the light of yourself with others and the world.

      You are incredibly welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

    March 28, 2013

    brilliant….this is so important. Swimming in the confusion of what the bleep just happened to me, I need this clarity, to sort it through. This is an invaluable tool….very helpful. I printed it out, and am putting it in me purse so I can read many times and let it sink in. I want this level of authenticity and realness with all my heart, and i am so blessed to have found you and the others here….soul sisters. …thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 29, 2013

      Hi Ruth,

      I am so glad these distinctions have really helped you clarify what ‘relationship’ really is – and what to chose and what energy to create within you to be that authentic relationship to yourself and in the world.

      I am so pleased you found this community and the beautiful souls here as well!

      Mel xo

    March 29, 2013

    Hi Melanie,

    Another great relevant article!

    I think coming out of a narcissistic relationship we forget what a ‘normal’ relationship is like. I also think it’s common for some people to have never been in a ‘normal’ relationship and a relationship with a narcissist feels ‘normal’ when we do not know any better.

    I was lucky enough to have had two wonderful boyfriends before I met my ex-narc, but of course they were the ones I pushed away and treated badly because I was lashing out my unhealed parts onto them. (I only just realized this during my recovery this past year)

    While I was in my narc relationship there were many times I compared my relationship to my wonderful ex boyfriends and one time I even said to my narc, “my ex would have never treated me the way you do.” And I truly believe that if I did not have the experience of a wonderful boyfriend before my ex-narc I would have never had gone looking for answers for why I felt so badly after I was discarded.

    It was not until after the break up with my narc that I was so grateful and appreciated my wonderful ex-boyfriends (of course they are now happily married with kids and long gone). I remember my therapist saying to me at the time, “your narcissistic relationship was a lesson to appreciate the good guys” and it really has been. It’s something I not only value in my love relationships, but even in my professional relationships and friendships. I have zero tolerance for any person that does not treat people right.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts and enlightening us with what a good relationship is supposed to look like so we do not get off track!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 29, 2013

      Hi GA,

      That is so very true re not knowing what ‘normal’ is. It really isn’t until we do enough work on ourself and really get clear that we do know.

      I agree that in refection there is enormous differences between NPD and non NPD partners…which truly are universes apart regardless of how ‘evolved’ the relationship dynamic is. Human morality and reverence and integrity being the major factor.

      It is also very true that until anyone becomes the energy of self-love and self-acceptance then it cannot be received from the ‘outside’ if it is not a match for ‘the inside’…it is an energetic impossibility – it will always be rejected as an energy statement of internal self-rejection.

      The true authentic journey is to absolutely appreciate and be that authentic self-love and self-acceptance and then attract, receive and continue that appreciation…


      Thank you for your post lovely lady 🙂

      Mel xo

    March 29, 2013

    Thanks Mel,

    Even in my recovery this has been of help as I am dating currently. I have had some things come up for me in this process and I have used these tools to check in with myself and evaluate wheather or not my feelings are coming from authenticity or fear and confusion. Understanding this difference helps remind me that I am still in recovery and using faith to push past the fear and into my real self which has never left me. Thanks!

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 29, 2013

    Hi Andrea,

    I do believe this is very important information in the dating process, as the foundation of a new relationship needs to establish healthily.

    This is wonderful that you are connecting to your True Self and committed to working from that energy. What is very important is for you to show up 100% authentically whilst dating. Rather than having your energy on ‘How would he like to see me?’ or ‘Who Do I need to be to be accepted?’ be true to your feelings, even triggers and express them honestly, calmly and directly – and really practice this in every existing relationship in your life.

    Then you will vibrate at and attract / create a high frequency relationship of authenticity and true intimacy / connection. You will also very easily see who is not authentic and unable to meet you at this level.

    It will flush out any individuals who do not have the ability to operate in emotional authenticity.

    By bringing the real you to the table – you will see reflected back who is or is not real.

    Keep it up and truly do this 🙂

    Mel xo

    March 29, 2013

    Hi Mel, I really got a lot out if ths post, thank you I’ve read it three times today. There is much wisdom provided. I’ve recently separated from my narc husband if 28 years (3 months ago). It’s been difficult to let go, the father of my children, the grandfather of my grandchildren. The loss of the relationship that I thought I had is very difficult to let go. But I’m sticking to no-contact. Facing fear and abandonment is also very challenging. I started to go online dating sites and had one date with a man. But Ive realized that in doing this I was just escaping again and not facing my inner fears and truths of myself. So I’ve cancelled the two subscriptions, today! I have been doing some inner healing work, but I know from your article and from attending church today that I have many wounds and fears still inside that I need to face. I’m not sure how I’m meant to approach this best, maybe doing NARP? I’m not really sure of even what lurks beneath that truly needs to be healed. But I want to be and I’d like to attract the right kind of man into my life one day. I’ll keep praying and searching. I also keep thinking that my narc husband may come good but have seen no evidence of is as yet. So I probably need to face this reality again. Thanks so much for your emails. They are definitely a big part of helping me journey through is challenging time of my life x Tatiana

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 29, 2013

    Hi Tatiana,

    I am so glad this article helped clarify a lot for you.

    That is great that you are sticking to No Contact, but yes, you stating how hard it is (totally understandable and normal) is definetely an indication that you have unhealed wounds to attend to (as per these inner parts letting you know they exist by supplying painful emotions).

    That is a very good idea to take yourself off dating sites for now. If you are dating simply trying to escape the pain and self-avoid (as so many people do) this is a recipe for disaster which unfortunatly can and will only bring you back to the same place – ’emotional pain and needing to attend to unhealed inner wounds’.

    Tatiana NARP is the vehicle to do this…it has been created exactly for this purpose – and by using the Progam you will find and transform the inner wounds you need to. The Progam is specifically designed so you WILL access them.

    If you read the testimonies of NARP as well as the many regular posts which people write on the blog who use NARP you will see this is exactly what does occur. Virtually all of these people also did not know before NARP how to find the specific wounds and transform them – or what they were.

    Tatiana, you need to make this all about yourself for now – it’s not about ‘a man’, and then when you become cleared out enough of the old programs, wounds and abuse ‘stories’ to become that true source of authentic love to yourself – the right man will totally show up on your path.

    It is never about ‘Where is he?’…It is always about ‘Who am I on the inside?’

    You don’t want any man to enter your life before you have done the essential inner work – because if that occurs then you will have missed the mark and he will reflect back at you what you haven’t yet healed.

    Humbly NARP and committing to yourself will create that direct path of healing for you more than anything I know of…

    Mel xo

    March 29, 2013

    Hi Melanie,
    I just found you online and am ready to begin the journey of healing my inner self. I’d like to mention that I have never been in a romantic relationship with a narcissist (thank God!); but my FOO has been the cult that has destroyed my life since the day I was born.
    My parents are both Malignant Narcissists and have trained all of my siblings (the Golden Children) to scapegoat me ever since I can remember. I’ve experienced just about all of the abuses and traumas – which you’ve described in your articles and blogs – from my FOO.
    It’s just recently that I’ve decided to go NC with my siblings and LC with my mother. It’s the best decision I’ve ever made in my life where relationships are concerned.
    My question to you is this: I’m not sure which programs and materials to purchase from you. I’m confused as to which would best help me to regain my authentic self so that I can experience being alive and truly happy with my life.
    I need some guidance from you please. And thank you so much for your wonderful articles and blogs – they are helping me immensely on this spiritual journey.
    P.s. I would prefer reading materials to videos.

    March 29, 2013

    Hi Melanie,
    It’s me again. I’d like to clarify my earlier comment. I don’t mind DVDs – but I just don’t care to download videos on the internet. So if you recommend a DVD that I can place in my laptop to watch, I’m okay with that. Thanks.

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    March 29, 2013

    Hi Lotus,

    You are very welcome regarding articles and material, and I am so glad they are helping.

    None of my products are videos they are all downloadable links for PDF material and audios MP3s.

    For narc abuse recovery – which is essential for inner wounds / programs within us NARP is the clear answer. Many people have used NARP (Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Pogram) for FOO…it does not have to be a love-partner. And all you do in each of the 10 healing modules is work on the particular narc (or group of narcs) that you need to clear the wounds / programs with.

    Once the pain / obsession of narc abuse is gone THEN the next Progam is QFEmpSelf Course – but it is really, really important to have done the essential work in NARP first..

    Mel xo

    March 31, 2013


    March 31, 2013

    test (to readers, please excuse the “tests”; I’m trying to figure out how to discononect my name from my web-site)

    March 31, 2013

    A friend forwarded the link to your blog through to me. Amazing I have just ended a 32 year relationship with my husband. Boy reading your article was like having the light shone on my feelings and failings. It clarifys so many things within myself and my reationship

    I am struggling with the no contact as we still own a business together but I can see that it it truly the only way to go forward.
    Thanks so much I look forward to reading more of your articles .

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 1, 2013

      Hi Jill,

      I am so glad the article helped shine some light for you..

      Yes No Contact is essential to heal, or as modified as possible 🙂

      Mel xo

    April 1, 2013

    Hi Mel
    In 2010 I messaged you looking for help to leave my NPD, you said I will do it when I was ready and I did. Unfortunately I developed breast cancer in part I am sure from a stressful violent relationship. I am proud of my journey but was fed up with being alone after so long and went on line and in the middle of reconstruction surgery and someone came into my life and swept me and my whole family off our feet with his generosity love and willingness to commit. Some of the kids said he was too good to be true. After a nasty violent NPD I made sure the new man had empathy and compassion. He appeared overflowing with it and I had to perfect relationship finally……until out of the blue he started to critisise everything out me in a very ambiguous way gas lighting I am sure. It was then magically you posted a blog on the Altruistic Narccisist and I knew but my heart was devestated. After three months of a perfect relationship the last two weeks was the NPD started his move. It was hard to believe this pillar of society who was known as “the nicest guy in town” was a NPD but with was just his MO. As a 18 month old his mother died giving birth to her 11th child and he and his sister were pulled from the family and adopted by a couple who were not demonstrative with affection. This very tactile man then stayed in a sexless marriage for 28 years. Yes I fell into another relationship with a clever NPD but I saw it all unfold and I am out of it, I set boundaries and he left. No contact, then back to my work on me as I can see my unhealed parts attracted him. I am shell shocked
    numb, scared, sad but feel a little blessed that god and my angels needed to show me I still have not healed and to ensure I stay healthy this will be a life or death journey. I will be doing you programme after all in the not to distant future. How magical your posts were to appear just when I needed them.
    Thank you x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 1, 2013

      Hi Tracy,

      This has been a tough journey for you as it has many others who fell for a narc again…and truly there are so many paramaters that the behaviour of a narc follows that just are not normal and healthy adult behaviour – love bombing being one of them.

      That is great that you set boundaries, realised what was playing out and put an end to it. That is so true Tracy that it is a blessed and incredible journey that life did show up for you what you needed to heal – and granted you this beautiful opportunity to truly find these parts and release them – because that is where the your true joy and creation is…

      Where you are at right here, right now is perfect and it is wonderful that you are embracing this…NARP will absolutely give you the direct tools to make the inner transformations that will heal your life from this.

      Bless, hugs and congratulate yourself on your deep and real courage.

      Mel xo

    April 1, 2013

    Dear Tracy,

    You are in my prayers!! I cannot imagine having to go thru narcissistic abuse and battle for your life with breast cancer. Know that somewhere in the world someone is sending you love, hugs and prayers!!

    April 1, 2013

    Wow! Having read this today has provided what I am hoping will be the fuel to propel me out of what I would call a “limbo” phase with my N husband. We have been separated for a year and a half & legally separated for a month. We have young children – 4 & 7, as well as our first son whose short life (he was born with a heart condition ( we did not know til the day he was born) which blessed us with his presence for only 6 weeks. This May marks 10 years since his birth. I used to think the pain from this loss was at the root of some of our problems as a couple. As I begin to know parts of my authentic self the truth that I see allows me to recognize the larger picture. I only wish no contact was possible. We have to connect about kids, finances, …interesting when I wrote word connect I feel the almost tangible void where our connection was never authentic. There was never that “space” that you so beautifully defined where the relationship could grow & be nurtured because we

    April 1, 2013

    Oops hit send too soon…
    Were both lacking self-love. It has been a 16 month struggle to finally get back into the house with primary custody of kids. They love Daddy a lot (he’s a loving dad, yet i do worry about signs of his manipulation of them.) Ttonight , as I sucked it up to have Easter dinner with his mom who traveled with his sister to be here this weekend- his dad died in January…& of course the children , I felt pain for the loss of our “papa” who, as I see it, was treated toxically by his wife – my husband’s mom who I ate with knowing how hard this must be for her as she misses him. However , I recall the many times I felt uncomfortable when she was abusive to him around me & the kids. I felt her manipulative comments as well…maybe not the best situation to put myself in…I do think it was good for the kids though because they too feel the loss of their grandpa& have trouble still with our separation. Probably writing too much.., I do wonder about your thoughts related to children & choices to make with N husbands / fathers particularly related to holiday times???

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 1, 2013

      Hi Nancy,

      That is great that this article has helped you get clear. It is very true that the more you claim and come home to yourself – the more and more clarity comes.

      Even though you do need to have some contact you certainly can create Modified Contact and self-honouring boundaries so that you can become and claim a beautiful authentic ‘space’ and truly create it as a template for the rest of your life.

      From that space you will ‘be’ and create true love and connection with life – real life does abound with that truth!

      In regard to the choices at holiday times – it really does depend on what agreements you have with him (legal) and what care he does provide. Many narc fathers are very haphazard with children and do not attend to their needs, yet some do…every situation is different.

      Certainly in many cases children can grow up healthily with one healthy functioning non-narc parent.

      Here is an article that may help…

      Mel xo

    April 2, 2013

    Hi Melanie, i have recently come across you articles, I personally went from a narcissist mother to a narcissist husband. I have spent almost 34 years under the controll and manipulation of a narcissist and less than a year ago i found out what all this is and came to the conclusion of my reality. I want to leave my N husband and start my own life but the fear he has inflicted in me has paralized me when i have had a chance to go. I have read alot about the techniques they use to brainwash and i have no doubt that he has done that to me. I would love very much to be able to buy your products but this man controls every aspect of my life. The only moment i have to myself is when i am at work. Work has turned into my sanctuary. Just so you have an idea, he drives me to and from work, at home if i get up from the couch to go to the bathroom, its “where are you going?” At home i cant sit in the computer more than 10 minutes before he finds some excuse to get me off it and if i have to do something important, he is constantly walking in to see what i am doing. He check all the bank accounts and credit card staments. I am really trapped. When i am away from him i am happy yet when the time comes to pack up and leave the fear stops me, i mean its a paralyzing fear and i dont know how to get around it. Can you help with some advise or techniques that could work for me. I would love to see a therapist but he wont take me.

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    April 2, 2013

    Hi TBF,

    this is about needing to take your power back. No-one can take your freedom unless you allow them.

    Here is your catch 22 that you need to find a way out of. The paralysing fear is not granting you the space to work on yourself to rid yourself of the paralysing fear.

    You are too scared to demand / create / take your space…yet how does this fear go until you take the steps to work on it?

    One thing is for certain is staying in this fear is not going to make things better – in fact they are going to get worse.

    So truly you have no option other than to meet the fear and create space in order to heal. This means leaving and staying somewhere else or creating boundaries with him and MEANING IT.

    Within narc abuse, this is what we all faced – make the moves we need to do with enormous pain and fear running anyway – and THEN get on to our inner healing as soon as possible. It is a very rare individual who has been able to feel better and healthier before making those moves.I actually have never met one personally.

    Narc abuse and the lesson we learn in it to love and respect ourself just does not work that easily.

    Things from ‘the outside’ are not going to help you feel better and make it easier – you are the creator here of your life. When you decide to make the moves to feel better – despite the pain and fear – then so it will be.

    I hope this helps – there is no technique other than making the decision to do what you need to do to BE free and start healing. YOu are the only one who can decide to claim that personal power – no-one else can lend it to you.

    Mel xo

    April 2, 2013

    This statement of yours:
    “The narcissist is in fact the most ‘co-dependent’ of the two,” was rather comforting to read. Not that I diminish my share of co-dependency but it still helped me feel better.

    I find it amazing that no matter how many articles I read of yours, there is always something more to extract and understand. I so appreciate this from you.

    I also find it interesting how much I relate to so much of what you write and see myself and my behaviors in the last ‘entanglement/enmeshment’ I was involved in.

    It definitely is helpful also in helping me to see much more clearly how I am/was responsible for my part in the disintegration and how I’m responsible now for taking care of healing and being more mindful and aware.

    It made me smile to read that somewhere in the world, someone is working on themselves to meet me at a certain vibration when the time comes.

    I can honestly say however that I am truly enjoying being alone and for the first time in my life have become so aware of so many things within myself. I can’t say it’s always fun, but it certainly is enlightening.

    Thank you Mel.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      April 3, 2013

      Hi Luann,

      I am so pleased this article resonated and you feel you are learning and assimilating a lot!

      This is very wonderful that you are taking your power back by seeing your responsibility in the dynamics…that is where true change occurs..

      It is so true Luann, that water attarcts and creates its own level – always. So rest assured that if you are honouring you, doing the inner work and creating yourself as a model of self-love, self-acceptance and becoming joy, appreciation and authenticity in life that this is exactly the level you will attract in a soul partnership…100%

      So yes he is doing the work on his inner too – absolutely!

      Keep going and doing what you are doing – you are SO on track!

      Truly do accept it as ‘fun’. What could be more fun that consciously becoming the creator of the life you truly want to live – powerfully – from the inside out (which is where it can ONLY ever take place?)

      LOVE this process – because you get to feel more and more good before ‘stuff’ shows up. And the truth of the matter is – it is the authentic feelings of feeling better and better that create ‘the stuff’ – it doesn’t happen the other way around! You will simply be creating ‘more of you’ and that is what expansion and creation is all about!

      Loving being ‘yourself’ is truly essential, and when the time is right life (your Soul) will take you to the next logical step – the creation of a wonderful authentic love relationship 🙂

      Mel xo

    April 3, 2013

    I have had a somewhat different experience I’d like to share. My husband was one of these. It became apparent shortly after we married. I stayed with him 31 years. When I learned after the first five he wasn’t going to change, I altered the way I related to him. I became very direct about his behavior, as one would do with a child. When he lied and fabricated grandiose schemes, I would remind him that if he continued to do that, this, (whatever catastrophe resulted) would happen. It got to where he admitted that I was usually right. Of course in his devaluing phases he would accuse me of causing the bad things to happen to him, as if I could somehow see into the future and manipulate it to punish him. I loved him in spite of his disorder and feel it’s a shame these kind of people are written off as untouchable. If there is physical abuse and life-threatening behavior then yes, get away. But for most, people like my husband are only maddening, frustrating, pains in the butt. Where is the empathy for these who are so damaged?
    My man died this past February. In many ways I’m relieved that I can finally relax. I can fix the things he’s ruined and they will stay fixed now. But I also miss him. We both knew what he was, he just couldn’t stand to admit it. I chose to love him and I have no regrets. He was a human being first, and therefore had value. This is how i choose to live my life and no, I do not presume everyone should do this. At his funeral service I celebrated his life with the many others who shared him with me. I can honestly say I am doing fine today.

    April 5, 2013

    Having been through the agony of narc abuse and come out the the other side thanks to NARP, I can honestly say that Melanie´s methods work like no other. My life is transformed and I have now met a wonderful authentic man to share an authentic relationship with.. and it is as Melanie says!I remember one of her comments when I was in the blackness of despair… that I would break through… and that when I did I would not recognise myself…. well I don´t. I look in the mirror and see a new person.. smiling, happy, sparkling… the real me. I am now working on the next level of self empowerment through Melanie´s journalling course….and it´s wonderful!!

    April 10, 2013

    hello everyone… situation is just INSANE….if someone had told me this story, id think theyre lying to me… gonna try to make it short for you all…..well, i met this man while on vacation on a greek island which is where hes from…when i came back home (im from toronto,canada) he contacted me on facebook for about a year but i never really paid that much attention until one day we struck up a full conversation….over the next couple weeks wed talk on facebook or text message and i thought God had sent me the most perfect man in the entire world….we started talking on the phone and i was completely falling for everything he was telling me….to the point where he asked me to move to greece to be with him….he actually booked a ticket, came to canada to meet my mother and we went back together….
    when we got there i relized he had rented a brand new apartment for us and just from that something was telling me in my gut that somethings not right….about 2 days into being there the ‘other side” of him came out….ignored my calls, was gone all day and sometimes not coming home at night…..i was feeling soooo lonely and insecure that i was leeching on to him, and the more i did the more hed treat me horribly….about 2 weeks into being there he told me his ex girlfriend who was still obsessed with him was pregnant…i was losing my mind….he kept telling me he loved me but he had to be in touch with her to make sure “the baby” was ok…..(i forgot to mention that this man has 3 kids with a prior relationship that he neglects but tries to impregnate EVERY girl hes with…..anyways it was hell for 2 months until one day after a huge fight his ex came to our house and told me they were together the whole time i was there and he was keeping me around to get money out of me (and yes, iwas giving him money and buying everything for the house)….i lost my mind but found the courage to leave the same day and come home….stupid me kept contacting him while i was home evn tho he was being cruel to me most of the time but still giving me a little hope……even after his ex messaged me on facebook that the whole “pregnancy” story they were telling me while i was there was his idea to get rid of me but felt sorry for me to just tell me to leave straight out….he figured once i found out she was pregnant id leave on my own….
    a month after i left greece he finally called and said he made a HUGE mistake….that he was only seeing her while i was there cause she had tried to kill herself and he felt sorry for her…but he no longer was attracted to her and he would cut all ties with her if id give him another chance….
    im trying to make this short so ill just say that i did…i went back to greece and meanwhile he was sooooo good to me the whole time i was there something felt soooo wrong….i just couldnt fel the same about him…i felt and still feel sorry for him…..i stayed 2 months and i left one night while he was out….now that im home i cant help but feel soooo sad and sorry for him….he calls me and messages me that hell sell everything he has to come here and be with me…that im his life and he cant function without me , and even tho i dont want to be with him because ill never trust him, im going along with all this just to make him feel better……someone please help me…this whole situation is causing me sooooo much stress and anxiety…..
    he didnt feel sorry for me while i was there all alone while he knew my mom was going through chemo, but im feeling sorry for him like a big idiot…..
    any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!!

    April 14, 2013

    I am in the process of being discarded by my narcissist husband of 14 years. I never understood what was happening to me until he was gone. I am awaiting the vengeful behavior…it’s already started a bit because he has completely abandoned our children. This is a wake up call that I need to examine many things about myself. I believe that I was raised by a father who is not necessarily a full blown narcissist but has narcissist tendencies. I am in no rush to find love…beyond within myself. I have been so unhappy for so long and my husband always expressed frustration with me for being unhappy and that he wished I would “be happy.” I realize now it was HIM who was desperately unhappy and needed to drag me down with him. It’s hard to believe this is the man I married and (attempted to) love for so long. Oh well…let me own healing and journey begin. He was an overt narcissist and VERY skilled at manipulation. My whole family was taken in by his charm, wit and “golden boy” persona. Scary. Thanks. Any thoughts would be great.

    Valerie Wedel
    April 20, 2013

    TBF: Something will be a wake up call for you; when you realize your survival is at stake, or perhaps your children’s survival… When that moment comes you will find the strength to leave! Remember the job you describe? Take your paycheck and walk away! Theta healing is incredibly powerful to access those hidden time bombs in one’s own psyche that cause suffering.

    Melanie, THank you!!!

    Blessings to you-


    April 26, 2013

    WOW just what I was looking for. Came here by
    searching for Kim Kardashian Perfume

    Penny Henain
    May 4, 2013

    I don’t know where to begin, I’m so scared!! I wish I found this earlier.. We are divorced and he still has a firm hold and stupid me thinks ” if I could do” ” if I could be ” just to win him back.. Omg… I can’t believe others suffer the same stories as me.. I can’t talk to anyone cause everyone believes he is so great, even the police believed him on an incident once cause I was the crazy one screaming whilst dr evil kept calm…
    I think ill be single forever cause I’m scared of all men being like that..

    October 15, 2013

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