Many of you are incredibly conscious and emotionally intelligent people – that’s why you love interacting in our wonderful Thriver Community!
I also know that many of you are aware, in many cases, that our childhoods are what sets us up for narcissistic abuse. This is not even necessarily about having a narcissistic parent – which of course is a contributor.
Rather, many of the childhood patterns I’m talking about today were all “normal” parenting, and our parents thought they were doing a great job. It wasn’t their fault – there has been very little emphasis or training in regard to conscious parenting.
One of my greatest desires with this article is that we can all learn from this and adjust our parenting, so that we don’t repeat the same mistakes of our forebears.
So, what are the 5 EXACT main patterns which have made us prone to narcissists?
Today I want to share with you the specific patterns that I believe have caused us to unconsciously be attracted and be attractive to narcissists. These patterns are also responsible for our enmeshment with narcissists, why we remain with them and why we keep obsessing about them – no matter how badly they treat us.
Okay – let’s dive in!
Number 1 – Trained To Distrust Our Intuition
Even the most wholesome of households can teach their children not to trust their intuition.
Imagine this, you know that Mum and Dad are fighting and you are disturbed and ask a parent “What’s happening, what’s wrong?” and they look you straight in the face and say, “Nothing’s wrong.”
This parent is your “God” they are your barometer of “truth”. So, you learn you must have it wrong and start to distrust what you are feeling. You are being trained to believe what other people say, rather than what your inner voice tells you.
Clearly, in toxic families there are many lies, deceptions and manipulations which take this to an even worse level. How can you know what is real and what isn’t? You want to believe the lies, because they are more comfortable than the truth. You start lying to yourself as a means of emotional protection.
If there is a parent that is modelling refusing to own up, be honest and take responsibility for their behaviour then this is an even greater “teaching” about how to disconnect and lie to oneself.
Parents may have believed they were protecting us, by lying about the truth, or they believed that they needed to be the authority and should never admit that they may have been “wrong”.
All of this takes us away from our internal GPS which is our God Protection System – the inner wise voice that is our true authority.
In narcissistic relationships we ignore our inner GPS, assign the narcissist as the authority and we doubt ourselves when we know things are “off” and that we are being lied to.
Then we lie to ourselves with applied cognitive dissonance to try to make the false and traumatising realities bearable.
By not connecting with our Inner Truth, facing it and making decisions based on it, we can’t pull away, stay away and look after ourselves.
Number 2 – Having Our Uniqueness Ignored
As a child if we tried to have a voice and assert what did or didn’t feel right for us, or wished to express our unique and individual personality, we may have been invalidated and just told to be someone else’s version of what they believed we should be.
This is your parent not seeing you as a developing flesh and blood autonomous being – rather more as an extension of themselves.
The message we received is that we are not valid, important and worthy of being “ourselves”. Rather, we have to go along to get along, agree with someone else’s version of who we are, and if we don’t, we are bad, unlovable and defective.
Of course, children need boundaries, routine, and limits, but when they aren’t allowed to be a child, express, explore, play, and dream in age-appropriate ways, and are encouraged to develop a unique self – the deeper internalised message is “I am unacceptable”. Then toxic shame accumulates in our Inner Being, meaning we subjugate our truths, dreams, inspirations, and visions for other people at our own expense.
Narcissists love this – they want people who are not self-defined, who don’t stand in their own dreams, visions and life directions, and who are always trying to establish their love, value and worth via others.
This way the narcissist can demand more and more and more from you – effectively exploiting you and emptying you out, whilst never recognising you as a flesh and blood autonomous being – but rather a tool to serve their insatiable demands.
Number 3 – Shutting Down Our Negative Feelings
This is possibly one of the most disastrous patterns – being told not to feel and express negative emotions.
We were taught, “Don’t be angry”, “Don’t cry”, “Go away, I don’t want to hear about it”, “I’m too busy to listen to you”, “I’m too damaged myself to care about your feelings”, “If you want to cry, I’ll give you something to cry about” and, “You’re hurt! Look how much you hurt me!”
Even the seemingly benign message of, “Don’t think about it, just go and do something that makes you happy” is also intensely damaging.
What this all amounts to is unresolved inner trauma.
These painful emotions had nowhere to go; they were not met, held and validated, which means you haven’t been able to let them go. They built up and toxically affected you with anxiety and depression, and nervous system and physical illnesses, and painful emotional triggers that kept going off causing you to maladapt to try to avoid being triggered or lashing out to try to diffuse these triggers in other ways.
One of the most powerful attractors of negative and traumatising people in our lives is having unresolved negative and painful traumas wedged in our Inner Being.
This doesn’t mean that you are a bad person, you could be a lovely individual with a really beautiful Soul and integrity, however if you have a lot of unresolved traumas within you because you didn’t receive the allowing and the validation of your negative emotions and weren’t taught how to self-sooth and let your traumatised feelings go, then you have not evolved beyond shaming and blaming yourself for your emotions.
Which means you disconnect from them, instead of supporting and loving yourself through them to completion, and you beat yourself up for having them.
This means you will have more people come into your life who blame and shame you, hurt you and invalidate your emotions. You will also struggle to accept people in your life who can see, acknowledge and support you emotionally – simply because you are not as yet doing this for yourself.
You can’t heal beyond your traumas and then continue to hold other people responsible for them. This is a total setup for victimhood without the shift to healing and breaking free from being victimised.
This is a major unconscious attraction force that occurs with narcissists and brings them into your life. They are the ultimate people to invalidate you, traumatise you and trigger you with negative emotions so that they can flip the script, vindicate themselves as “the good one” and accuse you of being the damaged, defective one.
Number 4 – Fear Of Abandonment
This is another biggie. It starts as a baby. Our much wiser tribal communities wrap up babies and swaddle them on their bodies continuously – allowing the child to disconnect and explore its own Life Force and environment, without the mother’s protection, when it’s emotionally ready to.
This creates an Inner Identity of safety, connection, wholeness and therefore confidence. The argument is that this makes the baby demanding and co-dependent on the mother.
Rather, it is a baby who is crying, left without support and contact and therefore intensely traumatised who establishes the powerful inner trauma programs of “No one is coming”, “I’m all alone” and, “Without someone else I may not survive.”
Then as we get older there are numerous ways the abandonment programs are increased.
Emotionally being invalidated. Not being heard and protected when something awful has happened to you. Not being believed regarding events and then not wanting to share trials and tribulations because you feel like you may be blamed for them – rather than be supported.
Or maybe as a child you were literally abandoned – left to fend for yourself because of having selfish, immature, sick or neglectful parents.
When we have unresolved abandonment traumas, we do not realise that we are still a broken, unsafe inner child trying to find a “parent” to do it differently this time.
This makes you naturally attracted to people who purport to see you, hold you and meet you intensely. People who you think won’t abandon you but are using your abandonment fears against you to bond quickly, enmesh with you and start extracting your Life Force and resources.
This is what narcissists do, and then they turn the tables and start punishing you with the terror of abandonment constantly – by threatening to leave you.
This rips these wounds horrifically open again – whilst we cling and try to force narcissists to stop doing it. We can’t pull away, stay away and look after ourselves because of our terror of disconnection from them.
Fear of abandonment is a deadly trauma bond with a narcissist. It makes you feel like without this person you may die. You can easily mistake this for love, but it isn’t.
It is fully ignited terror of unhealed abandonment wounds.
Number 5 – Destruction Of Boundaries
As a child if you were forced to eat everything on your plate and share your toys, and made to acquiesce regarding your space, property, or body, including what went into it, then your boundaries were violated.
Maybe your parents distrusted you and ransacked your bedroom. Did they read your diary?
These are simple examples. Naturally I could go on with much more. Many people in this community have had boundary violation at extreme levels personally, including sexually – from their parents, family members or other adults that they were told to trust.
There are many damaging patterns here – the first is to not grow up seeing yourself as a sovereign self-defined Being with rights. This can cause you to give away your personal autonomy and property easily, to anyone you see as an outside authority, against your will.
This plays directly into the hands of narcissists who are all about exploiting your Life Force and resources, and stripping you of your sovereign rights, for their gain.
Also, the violation of your Being, which boundary destruction is, causes intense inner trauma. This then makes you an energetic match for the familiarity of connecting with people who will disrespect your boundaries in the future – such as narcissists.
It also makes you fearful when trying to stand up for yourself and say “No”, risking disapproval from those who seek to exploit you – because as a child you were powerless to set strong and healthy boundaries, and suffered immensely when you tried to.
Narcissists are highly skilled at seeking out people with scanty, weak and non-existent boundaries, including people who have high levels of tolerance to boundary violating behaviour – because it is their childhood programming.
In Conclusion
Today I wanted to drill down into the 5 foundational childhood patterns which disconnect us from our TRUE Life Force and make us prone to FALSE Life Force (anti-life), which is narcissists.
These 5 traumatic childhood patterns create the fragmenting of the four foundational pillars of your Inner Identity – Love, Approval, Security and Survival.
What is your solution?
Healing yourself within … that’s the only solution.
But here is the big challenge with narcissistic abuse … we are so traumatised, incensed and devastated in our “proneness” that we remain hooked into narcissists. What I see, repeatedly (and I experienced this myself) is even if you get away, you can still suffer from unresolved obsession about the narcissist indefinitely.
It doesn’t allow the space or focus on yourself in order to heal within.
This is why I created a structured system for you to follow, to detach from the narcissist, turn your focus inwards and be supported to heal everything that I have talked about today, and so much more.
This is my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP). It is the exact process that I used to quickly and powerfully heal these 5 childhood patterns (and many others).
You deserve a life without this trauma, so that like me and many other people in this community, you too can Thrive.
Let me know in your comments below …
Did this article resonate with you?
Can you think of the things in your childhood that set you up for narcissistic abuse?
Do you think that because these were the patterns in your childhood that there is no hope for you to have healthy relationships?
Do you know that in this community we have many Thrivers who are now living free of these wounds? Would you too like to put an end to these patterns once and for all?
I’d also love to hear from the NARPers reading this article who are checking in on these old patterns.
Are you feeling liberated now?
What is different in your life as a result of the inner work?
Where are you at now with these 5 patterns?
Yes!! Basically blame shifting and using their own upbringing as an excuse for their behavior and trying to rub it off on others.
A giant NO.
Excellent article I can relate to all of those.
Recognising where it started is the road to prevent it happening again….
I am different now in that I am able to have a healthy relationship with my slightly narcissistic mother with boundaries. I feel liberated of the toxicity of a very involved, very enmeshed recent relationship with a narcissistic man. I trust my intuition and instincts. Thanks, this article has some very helpful info for me today.
It’s my pleasure Heather
That’s wonderful that you are implementing boundaries, and honouring your intuition for your wellbeing.
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I always loved to sing and I was put down for it. It’s a gift.
I was made fun of to erode my confidence. But, when I discovered singing around people who don’t invalidate they wanted to known if I took lessons, asked met to sing for them, etc. One time in church sitting in the back row the lady ahead of me turned around and said I feel like I’m being healed when you sing. My family tried to kill my gift.
Dear Melanie!
Oh my gosh! What an amazing article! If it were within my “power” I would personally “bestow” to you a PhD in the Humanities for all your wonderful humanitarian work you’ve done and are doing…
This article, and so many others, always being so concise and full of wonderful knowledge with, simultaneously, wonderful guidance for all human beings on this earth should be placed somewhere where every living being on this earth is touched in some way or another by your truly amazing insight into the horrific problem of narcissism AND WHAT TO DO EVERY DAY ABOUT IT FOR YOURSELF on this earth!…💥
From a personal standpoint I’ve been through just about everything you’ve described in this article. I’ve had boundaries put on my thought processes and development of good sound use of my mind, which, included others stifling my intuition. As a young person whenever, it seemed, that I had an intuitive understanding of something, I was told, to do scientific research to verify something or another and that turned out to be pure BS and stifling.
I was subject to some brutal physically/sexually inappropriate stuff growing up that no one should ever endure. Sadly, all to well, I know that many of us in NARP have gone through the same, so unfortunately! 🤮
I am seeing now that almost everything that I went through that was traumatizing, stifling or inappropriate had as its originating source someone who was behaving like a narcissist.
And, in addition, ironically, I was stuffed into the educational system at a very very young age when I was not at all ready physically or emotionally or in any way shape or form to be with other children, children who can be brutal and nasty or whatever! I always wondered why my parents did that to me!
Looking back I was a subject or target for people who have narcissistic tendencies or people who were bullies and/or predators throughout the majority of my life including my adult life.
After doing NARP for a number of years now I’m beginning to see the patterns, the how, the why, etc., but most importantly I am seeing that I do have something I can do about the damage that was done to me and what I must do to recover this special essential “something” that was tragically lost, for too long, in my life.
Unfortunately I live with abandonment fears and still have them to some degree! However, the good part since being associated with your teachings, Melanie, is that that fear which was all consuming at one time is less.
I’ve been mentioning lately in some of the commentaries that I’m getting personally more adept at and able to create boundaries inner and outer for myself which is huge! 🙌 Yes!!! to SH&R!!! 🙌
I’m still feeling the pain and literal agony of being brutally abandoned by the narcissist! However, again, that has also lessened as I delve further into the teachings of NARP and use NARP, especially the modules, as often as I can, on a daily basis….
I keep “discovering” magically that NARP is just an amazing tool and system that’s becoming a way of life more and more each day for me! ✨ And it never gets tiring having that magical feeling that I’m doing something really good and really right!
I’m looking forward to seeing commentaries by others….this subject has really triggered something inside of me that I think is a good trigger…
Thanks everybody for reading this and thank you so much Melanie for continuing everything that you are doing on this earth! Much love! ❤️🦋❤️
Hi Peter,
I love everything you have said, and from your vibe I can tell that NARPing is resurrecting you through all of this.
You are doing an amazing job!
Thank you, also for your lovely support of my work!
Much Love back to you!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Spot on Peter, Melanie is just a wealth of knowledge and insight. Like you I a constantly surprised by the many nuances, twists and turns that she identifies and sheds light on. We are all so very blessed to have her guide us as she leads the way back to our Truth and Wholeness.
Much gratitude to you, Melanie.
Wonderful insightful read. Bullseye 🎯💜💞🌎☀️🥰
Thank you for this article ☺️
The life journey continues! After some years with narp I look at what I am doing now and it wonderful, far beyond what I dreamed of prior to healing. But there is more I’d like to accomplish. Periodically triggers still appear. Am about to dive into healing my own worthiness. Again ☺️
The kids are now grown and successfully launched into their young adult lives. I can do more of my own thing again. I discover I have a bit of work around that – I need to heal feelings of being unworthy of doing my own thing. Does that make sense?
Actually resonate with the five points. It was part of societal programming when and where I grew up.
Thanks for another series of deep insights- !
Very grateful for your system, and very grateful to be where I am now compared to say five years ago.
Love and healing –
Hi Valerie,
it’s my pleasure.
I love that you can see how far you have come!
Please know Quanta Freedom Healing (NARP) is so gorgeous to shift up beyond any triggers for life.
It is still a wonderful practice for me, any time a trigger emerges!
Love and Healing to you lovely lady.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Melanie, I have been reading you for a while now, and this for me has been an extremely insightful and powerful read. Thank you for your service and continuing to educate us.
Hi Ria,
that’s wonderful that this resonated with you and was so helpful.
You are very welcome
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Spot on. I was raised by an authoritarian who was herself raised by an authoritarian and who was totally in service to Victorian values: children should be seen and not heard, it was good enough for me so it’s good enogh for you, spare the rod spare the child etc.These were her watch words. It’s only recently that I’ve understood that looking after yourself isnt self-indulgence. Well, it’s never too late to change! I think a lot about inherited trauma and how this gets handed down from generation to generation. I think a good education would include learning mental resilience…pop you in to the national curriculum Melanie…! Thank you for all you’re doing.
It’s my pleasure Judy!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Judy, I agree with you about putting Melanie into the national curriculum. Can we not tech our children, in schools, from an early age, about the narcissist. Obviously, from an age appropriate place. If I could do one thing in this life (before my time is up) it would be to help children and empower them. Within each year group, explain more about personality development, but with the emphasis on how we can be vulnerable to predators and how we can get the help if we feel vulnerable. Something has to change in the school system, I feel really strongly about that
Hi Denise,
the state don’t want children to be empowered or educated by their parents, let alone anyone who helps them be self-defined.
OTHER systems outside of the state are needed for our children, primarily within the homes.
Any child of mine would not be going to school – period.
A completely NEW schooling system is needed – the old one is corrupt and broken beyond repair – the state is the predator.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Spot on!!!!! Succinct & targeted article. Helped me organize my thoughts in a way that really helps me see what I am working on in myself & helps me empower myself through my “GPS” (“God Protection System”). I always love your work. You are an amazing Facilitator or healing!!!!! Thank you for being you!
Hi Beth,
thank you for your lovely words
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
“for” healing… I continue learning how to heal, thanks in very large part to you & your wonderful work. Thanks!
That’s beautiful Beth,
Lots of love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Amazing insight Melanie . I can now associate more of why I feel like this and do modules appropriately . Years of being put down or told to shut up. Your work has helped so much . Thank you
Thank you, Melanie Tonia Evans. It all makes sense & I can see roots of specific issues. Even though I’ve set boundaries & made sure I was heard as an adult, a narc was able to get through – as I didn’t know what that was. After 1 1/2 years of horrible & baffling behavior, he died a bad death last year. You have taught so much, and I’m healing & most of all – understanding. I will trust my feelings, even more.
Hello Melanie, I have been following your work for some time now and it has come into my life at just the correct juncture. It has taken me more than half my lifetime to question, delve and discover the things that I have and as you mentioned at the outset, I did realise the connection with my childhood and upbringing. All 5 of the patterns (and more) were present with me and I often wondered why my younger (by 19 months) sister hasn’t had the same problems or extent of problems that I have had. Reading your 5 patterns, I realised that it was me who gave her the things that were missing from my own life. At age 2 I remember being a constant companion to my baby sister in her pram. I got up and down into and out of her pram to fetch and carry whatever was needed, even giving her the medicine she was prescribed for a mystery illness. I fed her the bottles, cleaned her face, changed her clothes, combed her hair and knew exactly what she needed at any one time. We would cuddle up and go to sleep and I would soothe her if she cried. Our mother was there busy doing something else (there were 4 of us) and even though our Dad worked hard, we had very little money so food was scarce along with everything else. Our mother used to put 2 large chairs together and put us on them and as the oldest I was given instructions to not go near the fire, not answer the door, not get down from the chair at 3 yrs old while she went shopping or odd job working. My parents had come out of a war and married in 1946. My lovely Dad was hidden under a pile of his own trauma having been a POW in a German Camp for most of the war which had a devastating effect on him. His Dad had died as a result of the first war when he was 11, then thrown out of his home to fend for himself by his step father and subsequently I was 11 myself when his wife of 18 years (our mother) had a massive heart attack at home after coming in from Xmas shopping on my sisters 10th birthday, her funeral was Xmas Eve, she was 40. Just a bit of infill for you. Much, much more followed on but I am so thankful to you for validating what I have already discovered and for the ongoing valuable information and insight into why I came to marry, stay with and return to time and again the narcissist who I married whilst in a cloud of thick foggy depression treated by the doctor my mother adored with Librium, Valium and whatever else from age 14. I am afraid that in the coming years Melanie, you and others of the same heart and mind will have there work cut out for them as I look around and see the terrible parenting going on everywhere, even now. Thank you for your hard work, dedication and enthusiastic positivity. It is so good to know that people like you exist. Janxx
Can’t remember a time I wasn’t shamed for having an individuality… being creative, a foodie, plump, you name it. The worst poison to me was COMPARISON…A non-stop chorus of .. “why can’t you be like other kids” … “look at your friends, is anyone like you? They would laugh at you” … all translating to “I don’t want you, and nobody will”. Simply because I took after my father’s family instead of being a clone of my mother and a puppet to her wishes. Left me with lifelong self-confidence issues
Dean Melanie,
Based on my upbringing, and my experiences as a child, and an adult child of an abusive, alcoholic, narcissist, I agree with the 5 painful childhood patterns that make us prone to a narcissist…I can relate to all 5 of them. I experienced them and I adapted those patterns and behaviors to survive in my family of origin…and I carried them into my marriage. My father was an abusive alcoholic overt narcissist….and because my husband in the beginning love bombed me, listened to me, spent time with me, showered me with nice gifts I thought that for sure I was marrying someone far better and not abusive like my dad…..my ex husband (I believe) is a covert narcissist….based on what I experienced in the marriage, the confusion, the lies, the secrets, the gaslighting, how he discarded me soon after I gave birth to our twins (we had been married 8 years, and we did everything together before they were born), taking what I would tell him in confidence and he would twist it and use it against me, he had to be the good dad and every opportunity he had he had to make me look like a bad mom. About 6 years ago, a therapist asked me to take the HSP test, I did, and it said that I am a highly sensitive person….that helped to make sense to me, about why I always felt “so different” from other people…. and I could not understand why others did not have empathy like I did nor the sensitivity.
I have experienced alot of abuse, and believe that I have either PTSD or CPTSD and I have struggled with recovering, I have done alot of work on myself, finding myself, loving myself, but I seem stuck, I am surviving, I have grown, I have changed, and I have learned alot, but I am not “thriving” …. In the divorce, I lost alot of family & friend relationships because of the smearing and the lies that the ex and a former counselor said about me….including my parents, my son, my daughter and my granddaughter. And now I have secluded myself, I am not sociable like I used to be, I don’t trust people, I can’t focus, I have alot of clutter, and I have no motivation, and I find that I am less loving, and my heart has hardened….and my question is: is it possible for a HSP to become a narcissist due to the abuse from a narcissist(s) and the trauma from all of that? Also, I lost my spiritual connection with God, I had been in a good place, I felt God’s presence, I felt the Spirit within me guiding me, and I have lost that too. I am feeling shame, because I listened to a so called male Christian counselor who I went to to help heal me of abuse issues with men, I was 1 month away from being divorced, and he talked me into going back into the marriage and stopping the divorce, promising to protect me and save the marriage….his counseling only made it far worse for me, to the point that I had to leave again and filed for divorce. My spirit within me, told me to not go back in the marriage, but I chose to listen and trust the counselor instead….so I feel shame for not listening to the spirit….by going back & leaving a second time, it cost me so many relationships….especially with my children and granddaughter. The counselor I believe is a narc as well, because he was very controlling, manipulating, and we could not do anything without his permission, he counseled all 4 of us, and when I quit his services, when I saw that he was not who he claimed to be, and he was making matters worse, then he portrayed me as a bad person to my children, shamed me and said that I had no biblical reason to divorce and that it was a sin that I was divorcing and he and the ex disclosed to our children all the details of the divorce to them, which put them in the middle and made them feel that they had to pick sides ( both children work for their father and he is gifting them his shares of the company), and that was not the case when we were almost divorced the first time, the children accepted it, didn’t like it, but understood……So many losses that I am grieving…..
I want to take this time to thank you for all that you do to help others to heal, to understand and to learn more about narcissists and the effect that has on us. May God continue to bless you for your heart and compassion for others.
Dear Kim!
Oh, my heart so goes out to you! ❤️ I’m so sorry that you have been going through so much and that it continues! I don’t know if it helps or not but so many of us here have been through similar things with narcissists.
We lose so much along the way but by bonding together here and helping each other we can retain our essences and rebuild what we might’ve lost!
I hope that others reach out to you! 🙏 Personally, I have found a real “lifeline” in NARP and the amazing Melanie Tonia Evans teachings. I am always grateful for this wonderful system of NARP.
I wish you the very best in your continuing journey! 🙏💞
Peter….thank you for taking the time to respond to me message, and thank you for your kind and caring words. It helps me to be connected to those who truly understand what I have experienced..others just don’t get the depth of the pain and the trauma. Thank you for sharing how NARP has helped you…. I will give that some consideration…God bless you for your kindred heart & soul….Kim
Dear Kim,
Please do consider NARP. Did you know that there is a free Quantum Healing that Melanie offers that you can do as a kind of trial/test? I was amazed by the effects I felt from this free healing which helped me to decide to commit to the full programme. I am just eight months into it and the change I feel in my life is quite extraordinary.
I also want to mention something I learned from Melanie regarding the disconnection you feel from your Spirit. Melanie says Narcissists take/steal our Life Force (or Soul Connection) from us. This is certainly something I experienced, and I have had to learn how to regain my connection to Spirit. Please know that it can be done!
Wishing you much love for your healing journey.
Hi Kim,
please know how welcome you are.
Dear lady my greatest heart wish is for you to heal.
Would you consider trying NARP with the wonderful help of our incredible community to heal?
I know this would and will break you through.
So much love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Melanie….thank you so much for your response to my comment. I greatly appreciate you taking the time to reach out to me. Thank you for suggesting your NARP program, I will certainly give it some thought. I know that I need some guidance and direction….to help me to continue in my healing journey. God bless you for all that you do for others to help them to heal from the abuse….. Kim
Hi Kim,
you are very welcome!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
This so resonates with myself “why can’t you be like”’etc, when I didn’t want to be like any of them, but be validated and mentored for my own sovereignty being.
It’s taken over a decade, after fleeing from my last toxic Narc partner (final one of many that I unwittingly chose in my life), doing the work on myself: healing, that I am only just now truly coming into my own Being.
The only Narc person I have in my life is my mother, but now I am able feel where her antics land in myself, to honour the pain & suffering caused, to tell my inner child I have grown, I am holding you, I see you. With that I feel an inner strength well up inside myself. It has been a homecoming back to Self.
Hi Drew,
this is so awesome that you are coming home to self.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you for a most eye opening article. Two aspects resonate the most with me: questioning my own judgement and a fear of abandonment. While I want to unload my trauma here, I was taught to keep it in as it was mine to deal with. Needless to say, it has taken a toll and just like you stated, the Narcisist has shaped our lives to isolate me and force me to depend on him in much the same way I felt growing up giving my love and trust to someone who did not deserve it and suffered in silence. Living with an abuser in silence was the norm. My bio Dad left when I was 2 and my mom was a stay at home mom who depended on my father at any cost. How do you overcome the fear of abandonment and take the leap to freedom and healing? My daughter would be crushed if I left her father but she is in college now and I truly feel the life force just slipping out of me. I work from home since COVID and feel so much more disconnected. I need a change to heal and free myself from the mental prison I have allowed to exist for 25 years with him. You would think that being together with someone for so long, you would be grateful and have built a life but that is not the case. We have nothing together and he refuses to plan a future with me. I’m in an epic groundhog day from hell and I’m awake but helpless to simply be an observer. How do I stop being afraid and just leap? Do you have any resources to regain trust in yourself?
Hi Melonie,
you are very welcome.
How do you overcome this? By joining NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp This is how myself and so many others in this community have healed – beyond our wildest dreams.
NARP is your answer, once you start healing with it and in our NARP community with the incredible assistance from the NARP Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member you will know that you are finally coming home to you.
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I do believe my mother was a covert narcissist and I am certain that she and my grandmother had a codependent relationship. She claimed she was raising me to be independent (of everybody but her) and I do think she believed that, but she was such a domineering force. I wasn’t allowed to have my own thoughts. If I didn’t think like she did, I was called airheaded or dizzy or dingy – to anyone who would listen. That was really crippling at times for me in my 20s and 30s. I often didn’t trust my own thoughts and made decisions by committee. I certainly didn’t trust my own instincts. How could when it was always her voice overriding my own inner voice.
I love how you label GPS as God Protection System! I’ve been saying this for years about my intuition appearing as inner voice. It’s been really hard to have the experience I’m having with the unrelenting narcissist in my life. He’s now married and still, I hear from my child that all he ever does, all THEY ever do is talk about me. I’ve not done NARP in awhile and to be honest, while it’s helped heal much of my inner wounds it has done very little to disconnect the narcissist.
Hi Beyoutoofullmommy,
that expression “making decisions by committee” is so powerful – so many of us can relate … that was my life too.
Have you joined in with the NARP member’s forum for coaching http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member ?
This could help you so much – we can assist you to get this disconnection done
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you, Melanie. This was so very insightful, though like open surgery, also painful. I knew I was damaged from childhood-does that help one?-So I had in my mind and heart to ensure my own children the love, freedom and support of their own individual gifts and growth that I did not receive from parents dealing with their own many griefs and hurts-and within the authoritarian “Christian” community which also is so very guilty of doing All of the above Self-destroying attitudes. I look back and wonder if I was able to help my children beyond my traumas or not. I still struggle. I was not perfect, I tried to always grow and be there for them, though it was often awkward, not having the modeling for a nurturing life. They all have issues, and this makes me so devastated. Do we ever get beyond our childhood traumas? Are we humans ever a clear channel for light and love? Try as we might, we fall often, but thankfully also rise as we live and grow in our own gift of life’s grace. Thank you for this journey and I try to remember to let love flow through in every little daily way I can.
Hi Victoria,
it’s my pleasure, please know just “knowing” what we have internally doesn’t remove it or reprogram it.
In my own journey of decades of “working on myself” I discovered the pure power and simplicity of Quanta Freedom Healing (NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp) absolutely removed the trauma, and reprogrammed it.
It was the only thing that did.
This is why I can never recommend it enough and offer full guarantees with it.
Yes it’s work and it takes effort – but there is more than hope and a “free” destination for you.
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Melanie,
Thank you for writing this on childhood patterns; it has truly defined what I need to have put into words that so resonate with me completely. The depth of clarity you have provided here has given me some hope to move forward, and some much needed wind in my sails; In my 60’s I am so tired. It truly has been a spiritual war in all respects.
I have worked hard on this subject for most of my life, for my survival, reading and studying, looking for answers how to process my way out.
Today, this is so validating as to the root of the pain. It is so helpful to name the pain in its true form for some sense of ground. Without it, there is no basis from which to process.
You are deinitely a bright light.
Hi Martha,
it is my joy to help you!
Please know shifting these programs from within quantumly is a complete game-changer with how you can heal – quickly and powerfully at any age.
Have you thought about NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp ?
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Melanie your article is brilliant on so many levels. Thank you for providing your wealth of insights and understanding.
It’s my pleasure Laura,
thank you!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Yes, the things you mentioned are all true. I was a “surprise baby” when my mother was 38 years old. Nobody wanted me after I was born and they ignored me basically. I was fed and clothed, but not valued. I spent my growing up years trying to gain their attention and love. My mother and sister were beauty queens as teenagers and I was constantly being compared to them. I was not a beauty queen, but a freckly, chubby girl. My brother told me in college that no man would ever want me if I gained weight. I had gone home for Thanksgiving with the “freshman 15 pound gain” and weighed about 140 at 5’6” so I wasn’t really fat, but was deeply hurt by his comment as you might imagine. So, I was a sitting duck to my narcissistic husband. We were married for 26 years and had a daughter that he trained well. I finally sought therapy because I thought I was going crazy with the two of them. I knew nothing about narcissism until then. After months of therapy, I was able to leave him and start anew. About nine years later, he died. I felt nothing. My daughter still won’t speak to me so I have had to let her go. No more begging for attention and love.
Hi Beverly,
I am so sorry about your daughter that is very painful.
You are so strong to get through this and you totally deserve attention and love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Beverly…I am so sorry for what you experienced in your childhood and in your marriage to the narc. I can relate to all of your pains…..like you I too felt unwanted, and unloved, and so I spent most of my life trying to please them, seeking their praise & affirmation….and then was married for 36 years to a narc and when I finally had the strength to leave him, I lost having a relationship with my children and granddaughter….to me that is the worst pain a mom can experience. I too after reaching out to my children and offering to talk, to pay for counseling, to do something to heal and to be rejected of it all, I finally had to “let go and give it to God”. So, I just wanted to say I am so sorry, and I totally understand your pain and grief. I pray that one day God will use our pain & grief and turn it to blessings beyond measure….Sending hugs & love your way…Kim
Some of this was similar to my childhood but most of it wasn’t. I have read other places and found it true that it is the strong ones the narcissist go for and love to break down. They love bomb and win you over, find out what you love and are looking for and then match the description. You feel you’ve found just what you were looking for and then after they have you (in marriage) they become the exact opposite and insist you had it wrong, that you are the crazy one thinking things were and would be different. They look for the loyal ones that will find it hard to leave because of an honest good heart, that will give it every try before leaving and giving up, especially if there are children.
They also make viable threats to ruin you so badly that you feel the torture of staying is safer than leaving. You know you will never get away, at least not easily or for a long time.
Yes, through other counseling I have been through in the past, I did already discern that my family of origin background already set the stage for me to doubt my boundaries and rights. Naturally my ex-husband is a narcissist. We divorced in 1984, and I told my family it was fine if they wished to remain friends with my narcissistic ex, but it was not fine to give him information about me or the children that would disrupt me being able to move on. My family did not seem to be able to respect my wishes, so I stopped sharing any information that might be passed onto my ex. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I could encounter another narcissistic relationship, I was confident my lessons had been learned, but I did get into another narcissistic relationship 20 years after my divorce. The red flags were there, for sure. I believe I was so lonely after my children left the nest and without any emotional support from my family that I overlooked the warning signs that I was involved with another narcissist. He cheated on me, stole my property, placed unauthorized charges on my credit card, spread false rumors about me, and blamed me for all his crimes and legal issues. The 2nd narcissist was even more damaging to my finances than the first narcissist was. I believe my ex husband often backed off because when he stole from me I told him we were going back to court and the child support is going to increase due to thefts from my home and lack of payment of child support. He would back off then. But of course I did not have children with the 2nd narcissist, nor did I marry him, and I only allowed him to move into my home for 6 weeks, but adequate time to obtain my personal finance information while I was at work. He refused to leave my home and forcefully removed with Police escort. Which of course enraged him. I still suffer false rumors spread about me from the both of them. It has devastated my career and my finances. So, I certainly hope – now that I have been through this twice – that I have learned to enforce strong boundaries. I have a social worker helping me with this.
BUT, I do agree I need to address the issues from my childhood, my mother constantly rewriting history to change the color of the truth. I witnessed my father suffer and finally give up and walk away from everything because he felt he could not argue with he anymore. Then once he was gone, me being the oldest child, was next in line to suffer what he did. Any wonder I desperately needed to escape the family home and agreed to marry a man so controlling I couldn’t breath? Of course I thought we had love between us, and with love comes compromise. Well, not with a narcissist.
I cannot wait to get financially back on my feet and join your NARP group and sessions. I agree that I need to heal the childhood issues to permanently ward off
any and all narcissists. I think all of us that are nothing more than “supply” need to address the planting of the initial seed that we are not deserving of our rights.
Hi Debby,
my heart goes out to you and everything you have gone through. Your spirit is really beautiful, not being entrenched in victimhood after this.
Myself and the lovely MTE team will welcome you with open arms when you come into our NARP tribe http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Sending you healing breakthroughs
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I know this will sound strange, but perhaps it can help someone. There is no end of strangeness to the madness of being in the orbit of a truly malignant narcissist.
I once woke up (as if from a dream, but I don’t know…) with this revelation that near the end of my decades with her, before her outrageous and criminal discard of me, that all of the strange antics she did her best to manipulate me into doing especially near the end — which I genuinely believed I was doing for HER, for US! — were just like “giving myself a lobotomy” (setting me up for psychological, social, professional, financial… destruction). But of course, at the time, it always FELT LIKE I was doing wonderful things: preparing to throw a party for friends, or doing magnanimous favors, or being generous and kind to her, the son we raised together, or other family members. Being two-faced and deceptive like this, setting you up as the chump, to “punk” you, is simply WHAT THEY DO!
How they so easily guide you to be complicit in your own destruction continues to baffle me to this day, but that is exactly it, they are very good at it, and they are supremely excellent at making this wholly unapparent while you “dance your own demise.” They hone in on the fact that boundaries are poorly defined (be honest with yourself that this is likely at least a part of what’s going on), subtly and effectively destroy even more of those boundaries (with brainwashing along the lines of “what’s mine is mine and what’s YOURS is mine”) and then move in for the kill.
Don’t beat yourself up that what appears to be (that part is hard, as the destruction seems so final) your own undoing is YOUR fault: it isn’t. DO get the hell away, as safely and as soon as possible. Narcissistic behavior is exceedingly dangerous. This behavior might even be said to be THE most dangerous kind of human behavior there is: it leads to suicide (secretly intentionally on the part of the narc, I know first-hand), murder, outrageous thefts and financial destruction, horrific social and professional mayhem, even the kinds of betrayal (actual treason for desperate, selfish reasons) the world now sees unravelling for the former US president.
Run away! Be welcomed by safe(r) places like here, where people understand how to help unravel this madness, for that is what it truly is. Nowhere else but with a narcissist will you participate in your own destruction, WILLINGLY, because patterns in your childhood drew you to them and them to you like bees to nectar. It ends — well, it gets better — as you see these patterns, the trauma that caused them from way back, and heal from them with education and strategies like NARP. Don’t forget an important support system of people you KNOW you can trust, like a good therapist and real, true friends who have the time, space, patience and willingness to listen and understand.
There are friends who know what it is to be touched by this madness, and you can resonate well and easily with them. There are friends who don’t know, but have compassion and the willingness to understand how devastating it is and remain your listening and helpful, supportive friend. Then, there are “false friends” for whom neither is true. You don’t need very much from these last type of people in your life, and if their interactions with you were to dwindle to zero, it wouldn’t be a great loss to you. Think about that as you navigate the rest of your life.
And thank you to everyone here who reads, posts, feels and shares. This is an important space.
Thank you for this thought provoking article. It’s important to emphasize that one takes responsibility only for what is theirs (i.e., their own behaviour/actions). I work in the trauma field, and yes, we are responsible for healing those parts (and moving forward) that made us susceptible to narcissistic abuse. We are not responsible however for the narcissist’s behaviour. It’s crucial to make this trauma-informed distinction, otherwise we run the risk of taking on the very heavy burden of owning other people’s “stuff” (i.e., self-blame, shame, self-harm, etc.)—“stuff” that is not ours to own. Important to make this distinction, particularly when it comes to abuse. In a nutshell, creating healthy boundaries means owning only what is yours to own. Do not carry the burden of someone else’s “stuff.” To your healing journey…🙏🏻
Hello to you all – beautiful Mel and all of you beautiful people who have gone through caustic toxic narcissistic relationships – how truly profound… and poignant… and touching,… your life stories are – for so many years, not knowing what this disorder was, and to begin to discover how many dear ones have gone through this in their lives ….
The most incredible deep suffering and struggling….the deep unrelenting confusion and pain…
a most confusing and troubling and unbelievably painful thing to go through….. Life threatening and paralyzing journeys….
And yet, despite the relentless pain, there lies hope and light…
We have been fed so many lies, on this planet…. But this opportunity….to be truly set free and be awakened to the realease of this debilitating trauma in our bodies…. Unprecedented times….
Awakening to the journey into our unique universe inside of ourselves!
Being invited to go inside and explore the wonders of the universe we each are – this beautiful pioneering!
Deep blessings to each one who takes this invitation and decides to explore the new frontier of the universe inside ourselves!
Discovering the light of new stars bursting into life inside themselves!
May this NARP community and our dear Mel be everything you all need to find your beautiful light and universe inside yourselves!
How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!
Welcome to the new frontier – YOU!
Many thanks and blessings beautiful stars!
Lots of love 💗
A fellow pilgrim
Matti, this is so beautiful! Thank you for your inspiring and uplifting words.
Unprecedented times indeed, and how blessed I feel that I have this profound opportunity to discover the Universe Within. I cannot imagine that I would have made such a rich discovery, had I not been enveloped in the immense darkness, despite my not even knowing it!
NARP has truly brought me the gift of awareness and clarity, as I connect to the Truth of Who I AM.
Hi Matti,
what a breath of beautiful empowered fresh air you post is!
You have nailed this!
So much love Matti and keep shining for yourself and us all
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Awww Mel it has only been since you and your beautiful revelations have helped to open my eyes and my heart that i can see this whole thing in such a different and life changing way!🙏❤️🤗
I – as one of many, was so lost in the super massive black hole that was sucking the life force out of me – I was so lost…and devastated and so very sad…soul nearly completely destroyed….but then somehow I found you….and this phenomenon journey just opened up inside me! And I can’t tell you how deeply and humbly grateful I am for you and everything you are and bring to us…
My dear, you are so beautiful, and my truest hope is that you are blessed beyond measure for everything you are and all you’ve given – so beautiful….
Thank you Mel – from the bottom of my now expanding heart 💓💓💓
Much love my dear ❤️🙏❤️
Awww Karena… How beautiful you put all that ….
How profound it is that in that black darkness, as you said so well, you found the light – paradoxes – life so full of them, ….
So grateful that we – who were lost in ignorant darkness & debilitating pain of our very souls, we were led to the beautiful healing light – it’s like the nebula – a dead star – all blown up, with a nursery of new born stats – new life from death –
All of the wonders of the universe that are inside of each of us!🌟💗
I love the happiest news ever, that there something bigger going on – a big picture , as Mel puts it – that’s incredible hope in a what appears to be just a hopeless mess –
We are all beautiful universes – all brought together from our beautiful messes!
Thanks for responding Karena!🌟💗
It is wonderful to be with souls who understand….
So good….
Keep shining bright my dear ❤️❤️!🌟🌟!!
Oh my word, I almost cried when I read this. It’s so true. And what’s worse is that I see myself repeating the same patterns with my own children.
Big hugs and love to you L W.
Mel 🙏💞🦋