Have you been stuck and unable to move on from the narcissist?
If this is where you’re at, let me be straight with you – there is an important reason for not being able to move on and it is based on a BIG LIE.
I believed this lie for a long time, I fell for it too but now I know better and I will never buy into it again.
Watch my latest Thriver TV episode to find out why this big lie limits you and how to totally break free from it. Your liberation from the narcissist (no matter who they are in your life) is waiting for you on the other side of this!
Video Transcript
Today, I want to talk to you about the big lie, the number one reason why you can’t move on from the narcissist.
Let’s get straight down to it, as well as why it sets up a whole other host of lies that are not allowing you to access your True Self and your True Life.
It’s this, “The narcissist, this person, I want them to be a healthy person in my life who loves me.” That’s the lie, and it keeps you hooked. It stops you moving on. It keeps you in false hope where you can continue to be abused, disappointed, mind-energy drained, and kept separate from the life and the love that will truly gratify you in your future.
It doesn’t matter whether this person is a lover, spouse, family member, friend, or any narcissist in your life who you are hooked into because they are robbing you of your Life Force.
Why This Big Lie Limits You
Let’s explore this a little deeper, why this is so damaging and why it limits you so much to have a great life. Because your lies about them that, “They can be a good person who I can be healthy and happy with,” actually end up becoming lies about yourself.
Because if you don’t have a present, committed person, committed to being in a healthy relationship with you (meaning that they have the capacity and the desire to grant safety, care and love); and if they’re not a character of integrity or care or kindness, and they’re not wanting to openly work at being a team with you to create solutions in time of conflict – then you don’t have a relationship.
Every relationship requires those baseline essential fundaments to be a real relationship. Every relationship, even a healthy relationship, needs the ability for teamwork and the desire to want to create solutions and validate and care and be kind regarding the other person. Without that stuff, there’s no real relationship.
By you lying to yourself about there being hope with this person – despite the real-life evidence and trauma that gets you to completely lower those values to accept somebody who’s got a defunct character, with neither the desire nor the capacity to meet you at a level of real relationship – you’re going to be damaged.
When you’re damaged, what happens for all of us is inevitably the beliefs that you have about yourself are going to start becoming, “I’m unlovable. I’m unworthy of love. I can’t have true care, kindness, respect and love.”
And even, “I’ll never recover from this, and I can’t create true love and have a fulfilling and wonderful life.” These are all lies. They’re not the truth of your Soul. They’re not the truth of what Source wants for you or what is even possible for you at all. Lies hurt, whereas the truth can set you free.
Initially, when you accept the truth about the narcissist, that this is not a person that you can have a real and true relationship with, absolutely, it’s going to hurt but that acceptance can set you free to the true path of your Soul, which is the ability to heal and create a completely different relationship with yourself, which is a true relationship.
That’s the relationship you need first and foremost, where you can embody, align with and know that you are worthy of love, that you are lovable and you have the capacity and the ability, through knowing your values and your truths and being aligned with them, to generate real love through healthy and empowered choices and boundaries.
That can put you on the trajectory of creating a truly gratifying and healthy relationship, which I promise you that when you get there one day, you’re going to look back at the relationship you left, that you were lying to yourself about as we all did, and you’ll wonder how you ever did that relationship. That will be your life one day.
Leading The Way With The Truth
It’s also so important to lead the way for your loved ones with the truth, and maybe if you’re a parent, you haven’t understood this. Of course, the truth, when you know you have to split up a relationship, or an association, or leave a job or whatever it is, can be really hard to accept and it can even be heartbreaking.
But you will continue to break down and lose your heart, your Soul and your Spirit until accepting the truth. I promise you, over the last 15 years, I’ve seen so many people continue to break down in their health, emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, and financial, until they accept the truth.
The truth is this, “This person is a False Self. I can’t have a real relationship and a life with this person. I have to leave.” It’s also not even about working out what this person is, such as are they a sociopath or a narcissist, or are they just selfish or are they just unavailable?
I’m going to be really straight with you, that’s actually totally irrelevant. What is relevant is they don’t match the essential values that you need to hold, of kindness and care, and they don’t have integrity, and they don’t want to work at being a team to create solutions in time of conflict.
So, it doesn’t matter what flavour this person is because you don’t have a real or healthy relationship. Or maybe they’re just refusing to commit to you. Then you don’t have a real relationship, that’s the truth. Denying that truth not only keeps creating your own breakdown, it can also affect your children really negatively.
I know it’s terrifying to think of ending relationships because of your children, and the fears are so numerous, they can be things like, “How will they be without the family, the home, their familiar things and their other parent or me full time? What will happen to them if they’re being co-parented with the narcissist and I’m not with them?”
Yet what we may not be realizing is that our children do what we do, not what we say. If they learn from us to not honour their own Souls and the truth, then they follow our footsteps of hanging onto unhealthy relationships. This will suck out their Life Force in the future as adults, rather than leaving and choosing their True Self and their True Life.
They too will go through the self-manifested lies of, “I’m unworthy of real love and decent treatment and I don’t have what it takes to honour my Soul and be the generative Source with Source as an adult in my body to create my own True Self and my True Life.”
Of course, we want to reverse that example with our children. We all do because we want our children to be able to grow up and be empowered and choose their Soul and choose their happiness and their expansion and their success and their truth, and their honour, their self-honor, and they only need one thriving, empowered parent to be that example. Then they won’t, as adults, sell their own Souls out for dependencies that aren’t serving their truth.
It’s really interesting because I’ve worked with so many adults that have had the narcissistic parent and the codependent parent who self-sacrificed and stayed for the kids, and there was a lot of pain and trauma with that – the parent didn’t stand up for themselves and didn’t stand up for the kids and didn’t lead by example.
I promise you, your children are not going to feel a loyalty to you for doing that. Of course, we can keep healing if we do decide to leave or break up the relationship, keep healing ourselves, lead the way by example and parallel parent. I really suggest you Google my name and look up parallel parenting if you haven’t already because it goes into great depth about how to do it successfully.
I promise you that there are many parents in our community who are working with NARP and parallel parenting simultaneously. Their children are much more empowered and healthier, even with only 50% custody whilst parallel parenting than parents who are still in the household and the relationship with the narcissist. The children are doing much better.
In Conclusion
I hope that this has explained how the truth can set you free and that lie of, “I can make this work. Maybe they could get better. Maybe it’s going to be different in the future.”
Your power is in what is happening now, in every minute of now – that’s the truth. That will set you free.
I’d love you to have a look – if you want to understand all of this more deeply, and the Quantum truths to heal yourself – at my free two-part Masterclass. Included is a free healing to start getting your power back, become aligned with the truth and get freedom from the pain.
It’s going to help you so much. I really hope that this has helped explain things.
Hi Melanie,
Thank you so much, once again, for your amazing insight and guidance!
Unfortunately, I stayed for too many years when I should’ve left the narcissist, because of the children! It was not a good decision! I didn’t listen to other people when they asked me “why are you staying with her?” I didn’t listen to my inner child telling me that I should go and that the children would be OK.👨👦 I feel a little sad about that….😔
If I knew then what I know now I would’ve dumped the narc mother in a heartbeat and I know my children would’ve been OK and would’ve understood…
You’ve often mentioned that it’s not what the narcissist did to us but what they did for us and quite frankly, very possibly, or probably the best thing she has done for me is to have left!
It’s been hard to see and accept that but that is the truth and knowing and accepting THAT truth, AND with the help of NARP, I believe THAT will ultimately be my ticket to a kind of freedom I have not had for decades…🙏
Thankfully since joining up with you and the narper followers of yours, little by little, with the incredible help I’m getting it’s better and will continue to be better…. I continue to be so grateful for all your and everybody’s help! Much love, Melanie and many many thanks! ❤️🦋❤️
Dear Peter
You are often first off the rank,shows your enthusiasm to grow and thrive. You mentioned it was later in your life you’ ve concluded all this . It is never too late. Yet to have regrets is part of life. I too know that situation,but still happy to understand what ” was” was not serving ME.or anyone else is better, than never!
I find I have to be very intentional what my mind is telling me……change my thoughts,move,do anything but mull over lost hope!!
It is never too late to learn and know. Ones Character becomes stronger,and happiness flows through with Love to flow on to others .
The victory is ours 🙅🙅
Love and freedom to you Peter …… Always read your comments ” with interest”
Dear Fay
Thank you so much for your comment! I also love reading your comments as well! You give me inspiration and hope! Thank you!
Hey! Peter that is so kind and sweet of you….Thank you..
Wish i was a bit smarter with the mess below! Oh! Just have to laugh😉😀
Did not expect 2 to come one after the other.
You would not make these silly errors !! 🙋
I am working on setting boundaries but have realised that the people in my life after mu h observation have matched the level of fears I am holding. I know now that you can only speak up and be assertive if you are solid within rather than just conceptually thinking okay I will set that boundary and then end back up at square one. Come out of abuse and now realising that I have the wrong friends too may not be narcs.but our value’s are off they are very over bearing.
Hi Mel,
LOVE this article. One of the biggest sellers of the BIG LIE sellers is the State. The courts, media, therapy; all working to “persuade” people back to a parent.. ANY PARENT no matter how damaging. The LIE is “it’s best” for the kids but really? It’s best for Companies, consumerism, tax payers, everyone else BUT the kids.
There’s so much garbage conspiracy theory out there that saying the State will definitely hinder your healing can sound nutso, but if you don’t understand the forces at work you can’t hope to prevail.
Annie B
Ripper !! Comment ! So true…Have to be mindful of the ” Evil” forces
Better get….Melanie may have to smack me xx😘
Thank you Melanie,…. for giving us this opportnity to share our comments and thoughts
Am sure you are aware it helps all of us to share amd encourage with our experiences…
BUT just incase ….Big ” thank you ” for What you “Share “with us too
🌹🌹🌹🌹…..I guess we., aLL learn through each other ❤️
You are not overlooked…without you,…this would not be happening 🌹🌹🌹🌹
I am still with my husband who is all about himself. He needs approval from others and uses them to fight this use to bother me but now I see he and the people he uses are powerless and weak when they come up against me. Thank you Melanie for showing me the light now I can really focus on my son and future daughter in laws wedding.
Hi PeggyB,
you are very welcome Daer Lady!
I hope they and you enjoy a beautiful wedding!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thanks Mel, lovely, clear, beautiful.
Lots of great suggestions.
I’ve educated myself re abuse, I’ve been healing for years, with NARP modules and other methods.
I’m glad to hear I don’t need to figure out what kind of person they exactly are. I need to focus on clearing trauma, connecting to me, and accepting those people for who they truly are.
Yes, there’s no real relationship with those people.
It’s time to stop hoping for a miracle, or “happy ever after” with people who don’t make an effort to change the situation, no team work.
I’d love to empower me and my kids.
Thank you for opening my eyes a bit more again.
💖
Minding Myself xx
Great comment!!!…….Spot On!!!!…..just move on!! Thats right ……..At first,not so easy BUT after time…. move,and keep moving !!
Soooo many good people❤️❤️
And thank you for ” Opening” my eyes a bit more 👀👁👁💏👨❤️👨
Aaw, thanks Fay for your lovely comments! Wishing you a beautiful healing journey ❤️
Minding Myself xx
Great comment!!!…….Spot On!!!!…..just move on!! Thats right ……..At first,not so easy.😂…………………. BUT after time…. move,and keep moving !!
Soooo many good people to connect with 😘😘❤️❤️
So much more peace and conntentment
And thank you for ” Opening” my eyes a bit more 👀👁👁💏👨❤️👨
Hi Minding Myself,
I love your orientation and spirit! (And name!)
Please know how welcome you are!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Aaw, thanks Mel 💖
If it is about seeing things as they are then I would say I was involved in a lie. It wasn’t a love relationship. I see my ex husband with his new partner (started grooming her before I was gone) and they seem well matched and happy. As it is.
So how do I not take on that the problem was me?
Hi Lou,
what you have experienced is so painful.
Many of us went through these terrible feelings when replaced.
You can overcome this by healing with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
This is how I and others achieved this.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I go though so many ups and downs about my husband believing he is capable of being a human being and then It gets terrible again. Right now we have an immigrant family with us for 2 months and it seems he thinks I will not fight with him if he is being a jerk. The LATEST thing he is punishing me for is 1. He tried to make a big deal about emptying the dishwasher. We are doing dishes at least twice a day…sometimes three….so I replied I did it as well and he tried to argue that I did not. 2. He says that during our weightlifting session I said I could lift more. I have no memory of saying that. Maybe kidding? I don.t know but pretty sure I didnt say it. 3. I will admit to this one. We were all out for a walk and he made a suggestion about going on a specific hike with our guest. I have suggested this hike recently but he negated it because it is a difficult one and it hurts his knees. So I just rolled my eyes! It just seems he is trying to impress our guest and I am wondering what the hell is going on. OH! The worse?! 2 days after she and the children got here when we were getting a meal she put food on the plate seemingly to offer to him though I am not sure that was really the intent because her English is broken and she said she was trying to help. However he quickly took it before that was actually clear and said to me “Well…if you did things like this for me more often you’d get more sex” and I am going WTF??? It was Soooo inappropriate! And all I could think was “If YOU did more like this for me YOU’D get more sex!” lol. Now he is listing my short comings and failings knowing it will be hard to get into a fight with him. He is old enough to be this person’s father and her children’s grandfather. And she dearly loves her husband who is stuck in a war torn country. We have 2 months before she can move into her own apartment. I need to vent to get through this and thank you for that! I have known for a long time I SHOULD leave but have made the difficult choice to stay and make the best of it. We are a retired couple and I am unwilling to give up our lifestyle for an uncertain future at this stage of my life. Most days I do not tolerate his behavior and he has been reasonably ok to be around. I am always aware it won’t last but we will have a fight when he gets like this…and he becomes somewhat human again. How am I going to get through these 2 months!!?? There is no other option right now for the family we are hosting. THANK YOU ALL FOR LETTING ME VENT. 🙂
This video and article are very helpful. I did a healing yesterday and it felt amazing. I must say that the healings always feel amazing. I come home to myself, and I just spend time with myself, releasing all the junk and pain. I have often tried to make the narcissist love and approve of me. It never works. The narcissists in my life just find a way to use and exploit me. Or they demean and mock me. They use whatever tactics they think will work to upset me. So I have been giving up the belief that they will ever love me. Having to accept this belief, that the narcissist will never care, love, or approve of me is very painful. It is like you have to come face to face with the fact, that you have been dealing with a No-self person for years.
The silver lining of this all, is that I have found a person who does love and approve of me. I have found a connection that is supportive, loving, and honest. Every time I do a healing, I feel amazing love and peace. This is a peace that no one can take from me, not even the nastiest low down narcissist in the world. welp- onward and upward.
take care thrivers
Hi Molly,
I’m so happy for you!
You have come home! So powerful and beautiful!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thanks Mel……
I just discovered your blog some hours ago. I’m on my healing journey too.
I discovered early in my marriage that I was with a narc- husband and I made the difficult mistake of listening to others advising me to stay and work on my marriage. I did this hoping it would get better, but as we all know……it only gets worse. I developed survival techniques of being indifferent to his emotional tortures and energy sapping behaviours towards me. I stopped giving in to his numerous whims and arguments. This made him become more hostile, he new his cover was blown and so started planning my discard…..note that I wasn’t even aware of the “discard” stage. He kept saying things like “his mind is no longer in the marriage” and kept threatening to leave or send me away.
I stayed back because I had to plan on how to leave with my kids and how to cater for my kids, because he didn’t allow me work and wouldn’t allow me leave with them.
But I just knew I had to leave if not for my own good, for my children’s.
Things got so bad that my life was threatened and I had to leave with 2 of my children for safety.
We’re currently in court in a custody battle for my 2 remaining kids.
I keep beating myself up for not leaving earlier with my first 2 kids. I was manipulated by him to have 4kids with the hope he’ll allow me work or do business after I had them. It was so disheartening realising he only wanted children from me. 6 years of marriage with him was the worst 6 years of my life, the emotional highs and lows, the mind games, devaluation, I really lost myself, was literally dead. My kids were the closest connection I had with life.
I’m healing now and I’m very hopeful that I’ll be granted custody for my 2 kids that are with him. No one deserves to go through what I went through, let alone 2 minors. He is spreading lies about me trying to dissuade family and friends from helping me.
I’m new here and have not started any of the healing programs, I’ll start soon as it will help me with clarity for my book.
This became longer than I expected .
Thanks Mel…….