Melanie Tonia Evans

Parent’s Empowering Themselves For Their Children’s Sake

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 20
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

This article, and its accompanying radio show, is without exception the most important one, to date, that I have ever written.

After reading this article, I am appealing to you to PASS IT ON, and share as widely as you can.

This article is a two part series which is a passionate project that I believe is so necessary to break the cycles of abused and abuse.

It is to do with our children, and how we can help them not live the lives of suffering, abuse and unconsciousness that we have, and how we can stop these cycles being passed on from generation to generation.

This article is vital for you if you are a parent. The information in this article is essential for every parent, especially those who have been involved in abuse.

Most of us did not come from conscious parenting. Our own parents did not come from conscious parenting, or their parents before them.

The truth is most of humankind has been unconscious. Meaning not being authentically happy and whole, or at peace emotionally. Peace has been conditional – dependent upon outside conditions rather than being an authentic established inner state.

Families have been modelled around achievement, survival and often appearances – making sure the family presented the right ‘image’ as much as possible to the outside world, and consequently very little time or energy was devoted to inner emotional development.

My father has an expression ‘”We weren’t brought up; we were kicked and made get up.”

I totally agree, and it is plain to see the often horrific effects of unconscious adults who don’t have a healthy relationship with their own Inner Self, being granted the stewardship to develop a child’s delicate Inner Self.

No longer can any of us ignore the damage this has caused, and still causes, and sweep it under the carpet.


Escalating Unconscious and Abuse

We are all living in a time where abusers and victims are escalating. I was talking, a couple of evenings ago, to my good friend Fiona who works as a major coordinator in Domestics Violence services in Australia.  She stated how the number of cases is growing steadily at alarming rates.

We are all a part of this cycle.

We all need to deeply understand that adults carrying still existing childhood wounds are only ever going to perpetuate these wounds on to their children. This tragically ensures that the cycle of abuser or abused will continue.

Unless we can show up for our children with healed mature emotional centres, we will by deficient examples inflict upon them the legacy of becoming either a narcissist or a co-dependent victim, and the cycle continues.


Encouraged Victimisation

I read a post the other morning on my Facebook Newsfeed.

It was in a well know narcissistic abuse recovery group, about a woman stating how devastated she was by her ex narcissist’s behaviour.

The replies were how she could never stop his behaviour, and how her only relief will be when he meets someone else, and only then his tormenting behaviour towards her would stop.

What shocked me the most was the creator of this Group, which has thousands of members, totally agreed with these answers and confirmed them for this poor woman.

I was mortified, incensed and sickened, that this woman was left with this, ‘Yep, you have no hope to have any relief or peace in your life until HE does something different in his life’.

Now I want to start with my disclaimer, before I REALLY get down to it.

Yes I understand how devastating it is to be narcissistically abused. I was one of these people who nearly died because of the abuse. I know it’s terrible, especially when our children are involved. I also understand how we can be so stuck in the model of victimisation, and the belief that the narcissist has all the power, and that there is no hope.

I am not discounting any of this. I know how traumatising it is, and how damaged we are as a result of it.

But this I do know – that victimised ‘no hope’ model is NOT the truth. It is not the way to heal, and it doesn’t help us, or our children, or their children, or our world in any shape of form.

The most sickening thought for me when I read this blog post was: How on earth is our world going to get well when NOT only are narcissists unconscious, but those apparently HELPING the victims, are so stuck in powerlessness and unconsciousness as well?

The truth is, the virus of unconsciousness (refusing to take responsibility for creating one’s own life from the inside out) that manifests as narcissism – is so potent it infects others into believing that not only are they powerless, but the world operates ‘from the outside in’. This ensures there is no responsibility taken for one’s own development, and no connection possible to create and generate one’s own life.

Truly victims are just as damaged by this ‘hopeless, powerless’ model, as they are by narcissists, and I am dismayed how individuals, who are not healed and whole themselves (if they were they would NOT be espousing ‘you are powerless’) are simply keeping others stuck in victimisation believing it is ‘recovery’.

I was so motivated by the insanity and absolute false premise of this post thread (and please know once upon a time I would have agreed with it – when I was still deeply unconscious) that I took a stand and passionately put a post on my own public Facebook page about it.

I finished with, “It will be a wonderful day when finally people ‘helping’ those recover seek true empowering consciousness alliances, wake up from the powerless trance and truly help themselves first, and then their people find their true consciousness and power. That is the only way narcissistic abuse can no longer exist, personally, and eventually collectively.”

The responses started to come in. Most of them were people in my community doing the inner work on themselves, who reported total agreement with how their life had transformed by dropping the victimisation model, and how they had experienced that the narc abuse stopped and how their real life finally began – for them and their children.

These people’s posts were like day and night compared to the posts of the people exclaiming their pain, victimisation and how they had no hope in their situations, and how co-parenting with narcissists would make them lifetime victims due to the ongoing connection. Some of these people, as they always do, fought for these limitations by declaring the justifications for their victimhood.

I asserted in my replies how working on taking responsibility for our own unhealed wounds and up-levelling our own consciousness not only empowers us, but also our children, and how it ends the cycles of narcissistic abuse even when co-parenting.

One lady wrote back to me stating, “Melanie I don’t see how you can state that ‘abuse will no longer exist’ by transforming ourselves when children are involved? This is a dangerous proposition to make as it could stop parents from safeguarding their children. How can you stop an N abusing their children by healing yourself?”


Waking Up and Relinquishing Powerlessness

Truly this was enough to get me really going. PLEASE know I want to strongly and passionately wake you up too – if you are thinking in the same powerless way.

This was my response:

“It is always a dangerous proposition for our children when we are traumatized, victimized and being sucked emotionally dry, and are not working on ourselves to be empowered. I have facilitated countless cases of parents with children, who protect their children and themselves superbly once they do the necessary work on themselves and are out of fear and pain, and are solid enough to get real results against the narcissist.

The results come from the inside out – not whilst being emotionally powerless. Remaining with focus outwards in victimization never helps children, and only fuels the narcissist to act out and only attracts and generates more victimization – not things, authorities, evidence and results falling into place.

Think of this in VERY simple terms – what has ever gone right in your life when you are disheveled, out of sorts or even just in a bad mood? Nothing from an ‘off’ emotional stance ever works out! Why would something this big – pitting yourself against a narcissist work when not emotionally solid?

I am incredibly passionate about parents up-levelling for their children’s sake, and this was the only way I saved my own son from where he had ended up after my narc relationship.

This is the entire point you are missing, many of you in the victim model – is that you have NO effectiveness against narcs, or the rebuilding of your life for yourself or your children when you are not healing yourselves, hence why the battering and punishment and pain of what the narcissist is doing to you, and your victimization stance of ‘no hope’ continues. The narc is fuelled by your own pain and victimization – period.

YES it does stop when you heal you – you haven’t realized emotional realities, and YES when you deeply emotionally change it stops, all of it, and the inside out model is the only way it does. And YES I have seen it happen, more times than I could count – I receive emails and reports every day.

Do you think it is any coincidence that people are posting on this thread how much different their experience is, and why do you think that is consistently so? Why do you think these conversations bear no resemblance to the usual narc abuse conversations?”

Yep, I have to admit I was worked up. And the reason I was so worked up is because this project regarding parents empowering themselves for their children’s sake was a project I already had underway – because I am so literally devastated and frustrated when I see post after post after post from parents who are being victims, not taking responsibility to empower and heal themselves (when it IS totally possible) and NOT helping their children.

As a parent who nearly lost my own son in his severe depression and addictions in the midst of my own mind-bending victimisation – it breaks my heart.

I know how tragically things could have been for myself and my son, if I didn’t drop victimization and didn’t take responsibility to heal myself. And I know how things turned around so quickly in my son’s and my own life when I did.

I am not playing righteousness here; I am SIMPLY deeply passionate about standing up and doing something about this epidemic of powerless victimization that is ripping abuse victims and their children apart.

You see, I know children need guidance, and I constantly see adults NOT doing what is necessary to provide it. And I see abuse communities cementing these parents over and over in hopeless victimhood.

I also see parents, being granted solutions and the means to heal powerfully from the inside out, fight to hang on to, and LITERALLY demand their hopeless victimhood, and I see the damage this does to children horrifically.


The Victim Parent is Just as Toxic

I have done countless amounts of work with adults whose emotional scars and agonies, and their own adult abuse patterns were not just caused by the narcissistic parent, but ALSO deeply inflicted by the parent who refused to give up their powerless victimization, and who never became a healthy, whole source to themselves and an effective role-model.

In fact, in many cases this is the parent that they have the deepest of all wounds with.

I promise you this is true.

This parent was so toxic, and so self-absorbed with their own victimhood and powerlessness that they were emotionally unavailable and unhealthy, and only engendered more abuse towards their children as a result of feeding the narcissist their fear, pain and powerlessness.

Because of their intense focus, reactions and pain towards the narcissist, and constantly declaring their own victimization – without taking back their power – many children went into the arms of the narcissist, because truly it was more comfortable for them to so do.

They also could not seek a safe haven from the narcissist with the non-narcissistic parent, because this parent was stuck in their own activated inner child wounding (that the narcissist was using for reactions), and NOT healing it, in order to show up as a healthy, mature, solid, safe parent.

This created the children as the precarious target for the narcissist to extract even more narcissistic supply from the non-narcissistic parent by using the children as pawns.

The truth is: all of this can be avoided, and ALWAYS is avoided when the non-narcissistic parent does the inner work on themselves and is no longer susceptible to being hooked in or emotionally triggered and victimized by the narcissist.

Because then he or she starts showing up as a healthy adult for their children.

I am NOT saying any of this to shame or blame you – I am saying this to wake you up for your own and you children’s’ sakes.

If you want to FIGHT to hang on to your victimization, you WILL continue to be victimized, as will your children and their relationship with you.


Loading the Gun For The Narcissist

Understand this please – point blank. When a parent is empowered and unaffected narcissists give up – there is no energy or reaction (narcissistic supply) to gain.

And in NO shape or form does this mean you don’t protect your children. It means you empower yourself and your children, you have solid boundaries without fear, and you walk a straight line towards generating a healthy, safe life with integrity without being emotionally derailed.

One of the replies a lady wrote on my Facebook post was, “I agree that healing my childhood wounds will help but I can’t stop the stress he induces from the lies, manipulation and fears I have of what he’ll put the children through. How can you heal when they can use your children and the legal system to torment you?”

I want you to understand this: your healing is ONLY possible when you address your own emotional wounding that allowed you to be captured, hooked into and emotionally derailed by a narcissist in the first place.

The narcissist is ONLY EVER using your inner wounds against you – that is exactly what the DEFINITION of  narcissistic abuse is.

I need to repeat this again – so that you can understand THE TRUTH…

Narcissistic abuse is always the narcissist using your own unconscious wounds against you.

And the narcissist will continue to do it relentlessly until you heal these wounds. This is how the narcissist affects you and then FEEDS off you.

When you heal your wounds – you just DON’T fear the narcissist anymore. He or she has no emotional power over you, and you no longer FEED the narcissist.

In fact, you will see the tactics and behavior for the flimsy childish bullish rubbish that it REALLY is, because you will no longer be emotionally triggered into helpless victimization because of your corresponding inner unhealed childhood wounds. In stark contrast, you will stand TALL in your mature, adult emotional wholeness that you have up-levelled yourself into.

That’s when it all falls over for the narcissist.

Another lady wrote on my Facebook post, “I believe that those other folk will find a true path back to Source when they get sick and tired of being sick and tired of being a professional Victim. I am so thankful for MTE and all of you here. Let’s send our best thoughts to those people who are wasting time re-loading the metaphorical gun and handing it back so the narc can shoot them again.”

Truly I don’t think anyone has ever expressed this in a better way – because this is exactly what is taking place.

This is SO Important to understand, narcissists are empty voids they have no true power and no real Life-force of their own. Narcissists simply feed off your pain and fear to be ABLE to do what they do, and of course they use children to get to you – if you don’t work on your own inner solidness and empowerment – which means healing your own inner generational wounds that caused you to be affected and powerless.

And even if the narcissist was to let go – your victimization and powerlessness would continue (and does continue) long after the narcissistic goes, and will continue to be inflicted on your children until you heal your own inner wounds.

Why do things turn around in abuse situations SO powerfully when people work on up-levelling themselves from the inside out? Why does the narcissist STOP abusing?

Because, there is no energy being fed to the narcissist anymore, and the narcissist has to find another source to play it out with.

Why does the narcissist lay off your children, and even in many cases lose interest in wanting to be involved with your children when you up-level yourself? Why do your children naturally turn away from the narcissist and come to you after you up-level yourself?

I have seen this happen in so many instants. The most dramatic case was one of my oldest NARPers Dot, I talk about Dot in my Webinar series The 3 Keys To Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse, a lady who in her 70’s had her son and his offspring contact and re-unite with her after over 30 years of silence, as a result of her healing her inner wounds.

I have seen time and time again the beautiful evidence of alienated children reconnect out of the blue when the non-narcissistic parent heals their own wounds, up-levels and detoxifies themselves from the inside out from abuse.


What is Your True Power in This Situation?

People may think this is a miracle.

I simply know it as the Energetic Law of ‘so within, so without’.

Which means: whatever is going on in your inner world is re-produced in your outer world.

When you are no longer a victim, Life no longer delivers more punishment that victimizes you.

In fact, by stark contrast, the space opens for the natural organic miracles of yourself being supplied with abundant unconditional love – being loved by those who love you purely for yourself – including your children.

Why? Because you worked on releasing your inner wounds in order to uncover your True Self and its connection to Source, which is I unconditionally love and approve of myself, and  ‘I am love’, regardless of my outer conditions, what I have lost, what happened to me, and how my life turned out.

In fact unconditional love and acceptance of self is ONLY possible is you have released all of the wounds blocking you from deeply knowing – All of this happened for a reason, the perfect reason of delivering me back inside myself to do the work, so that I could know my True Self.

And…No-one modelled this for me, I had to find it myself by living the extremes of unconsciousness and all of its pain, in order to finally wake up and become conscious.

If you don’t believe this is possible after being narcissistically abuse – PLEASE open your eyes, because the evidence in this community that it is – is everywhere.

Additionally, when you empower yourself, heal and detach and walk truth unaffected by ridiculous narcissistic antics, or your own previous triggered wounds or powerless despair, your children start to model what they have learnt from you by example.

They sense and gravitate towards the knowing, even from a distance, that they have a solid calm source with you to connect to, share with, trust and grow with.

As your children connect to you, and the up-levelling you deeply take on, they embrace the most empowering message of all which is: “What anyone else does or doesn’t do has no bearing on my own relationship with myself, or my own power to generate the truth of my life.”

And as they live it – so it is.

This brings them immense inner peace and solidness, because no more are they trying to seek life from the outside in. Your children start creating and generating life from a solidness that no outside approval or ‘fixes’ ever provide.

They inherently don’t enjoy feelings of things and people that don’t represent their own inner peace, yet they are in no way tortured by this. Your children become self-developed, self-generative, and don’t get hooked in or derailed by other people’s unconsciousness. Rather, they learn to lay boundaries and detach if ‘healthy’ is not forthcoming.

The other essential life message they learn, which is ALSO empowering beyond measure is: “I am not a victim who powerlessly blames and holds other people responsible for the state or lack of my own wellbeing or life”.

Then, unlike what we previously did, they will not grow up rolling around in unhealthiness, point fingers, despair, try to force accountability and go back in for more abuse trying to force unhealthy people to grant them their life, or resent people who don’t give them a happy life.

In stark contrast your children become conscious and can generate their own life from a self-realized Thriver Model instead of a powerless unconscious Victim Model.

They can ONLY EVER become this model when YOU effort, with everything you are and have, to BECOME this model YOURSELF.

Then, and only then, will they grow up unaffected by the narcissist’s behavior and antics (and in fact will be even more capable, solid, self-loving and emotionally intelligent than they ever could have been without this self-evolution experience), and they will NOT continue and re-generate these deeply ingrained unconscious generational abuse and abused cycles.

Then, they will bring their own children up with the joy, love, emotional intelligence, healthy boundaries, self-worth and self-empowerment that will assure them and their future generations of healthy and genuine loving lives.

So are YOU going to break the cycle and create the new one?

Or will it be your children? The ones who are non-narcissists who had victimization and powerlessness modelled to them – who have become targets for MORE victimization and abuse – who FINALLY decide that they had ENOUGH powerlessness and devastation to STOP the cycles?

A non-narcissistic ADULT has to break the cycle – because he or she is the only person who CAN.


Who Should Be Held Responsible?

This is where you may get all righteous, as I used to do also, and blame.

You may say “Hang on a minute, I’m not the abuser! I’ve been abused!  It’s the abuser who is unconscious and has damaged me and the children! The abuser should be RESPONSIBLE, not me!”

I have only one thing to say to that EPIDEMIC victim blame model…

Good luck with that…

I deeply want you to understand this – your own victimisation is unconsciousness, it’s powerlessness.

We are ALL responsible – HUGELY.

We are ALL playing it out until we don’t.

The only true powerfulness is being responsible.

If not YOU taking responsibility, who then?

The narcissist? Not possible… They can’t, they don’t have the resources.

Should the unconscious parent who inflicted the narcissist with unconsciousness be held responsible? Not possible…

Well then, maybe the unconscious parent of that unconscious parent? Of course not….

Then lets’ hold responsible the parent that did not grant YOU enough consciousness to not be taken in by a narcissist? Not possible either…

Okay, surely responsibility lies with a massive awareness campaign being launched into the world to stop people getting taken in by narcissists?

Nope NOT possible…

Why isn’t it possible?

Purely and simply because people rationalise away all the warning signs and red flags IF their unhealed inner wounds unconsciously attract and are attracted to narcissists.

I promise you, I have the evidence of droves of people with astounding logical knowledge of every nuance of ‘how to spot a narcissist’ who continue getting led back to another one, because of their own unfinished child wounds which matches narcissistic abuse perfectly.

Their limited logic mind simply makes us ‘stories’ to match the unhealed inner wounds of still being a victim of abuse. It’s the wounded subconscious that is driving them into narcissistic relationships – it has nothing to do with ‘logic’.

Okay, so maybe tightening up the system that allows narcissists to get away with it is the solution…

I know you are not going to like it – NO that is not possible. In fact that solution is a total dead end.

Why? Because pushing back, judgement, intense focus on and punishment never abolished, stopped or healed anything.

Anti -movements and ‘wars on (whatever)’ simply DON’T work.

Please, name one that ever has…

PLEASE open your eyes and have a look at the state of the world!

The deeper Energetic Law, that is as absolute as gravity, is the real reason why anti-movements never work. This Law is: “Whatever you judge and try to change in another – rather than change yourself in regard to WHY it is in your experience – is only going to be brought into your experience in greater intensity”.

Think about that deeply because it is the ABSOLUTE truth.

So, what IS possible in your life experience to change the abuse / abused dynamic.

There is only ONE answer and one answer only.

Taking full responsibility to become the change you want to see in the world – because ANYTHING and EVERYTHING else represents total and utter helplessness and powerlessness – point blank.

You can flap around in every direction looking outside of yourself to find the solution, and you will never find one, and you will never be rescued by one, because there was only ever one place it does exist.

It was inside YOU all along.

The same is true for EVERY area of your life.

That is exactly what creating consciousness – true freedom, empowerment, and generating a healthy life means without exception.

It HAS to happen from the inside out with the embracing of 100% personal responsibility to do so.


Victimisation – Food For Abusers

If we continue victimisation we simply produce food for abusers, and we line up people to continue to be buffets for abusers.

Victims take hostages and they do it by stealth – and they love generating their own victimisation by grooming other people to join in it with them.

It feels very easy to band with a victim, and believe they are helping you. Yet they are abusing you – they are setting you up for a life of victimisation and believing it is righteous to be a victim – fighting to assert why it is virtuous to blame and shame, and stay sick and disempowered, and they even attack people who discuss relinquishing being a victim.

Sickeningly, I have seen this happen in all abuse forums when real healing solutions are suggested. The best case scenario is real healing solutions are ignored, and the worst case scenario is they cause a literal riot.

I am going to say it – point blank. Victimisation is just as unconscious as narcissism.

It TRULY produces the identical result.

If we end victimisation, we end abuse, because there will be no more people attracting, generating and participating in being abused.

People who are conscious are NOT food for abusers.


A Stand For Consciousness and Our Children

Taking full responsibility to raise your own consciousness is the ONLY way you will end abuse in this world for you and your children – period.

I am asking you to stand up and wake up, and see what is really happening.

I am smacking you between the eyes because I care about this world, I care about what is happening to our children, and I deeply care about the damage of victimisation that people are suffering.

I deeply know about it because it nearly destroyed my life, and nearly destroyed my son.

I care, because I know the carnage it creates to everyone we care about , and I know it ALLOWS narcissists to prosper, because it is their VERY lifeblood.

We have to stop feeding narcissists our victimisation!

Now it is TIME to take a stand and put an END to this powerless madness…

Pass this message on far and wide, and absolutely post it in abuse forums, who are determined to model, promote and hold people in the powerless, victim model.

I am passionately ready to take a public stand to help people free themselves and their children from the cycles of pain and the unconscious madness our world has been modelled on.

Are you also ready to start with yourself DETERMINEDLY to help our children, our future generations and our world?

I hope so…

I am sharing interviews with parents and children of narcissists for Part Two next week..

STAND with me, and let’s work together, as a united front by sharing this article and / or accompanying radio show widely and let’s wake this world up.

Let’s do all we can to put an end to abuse cycles, by being the CHANGE we need to be to end it – and inspiring others to do the same.

I look forward to replying to your comments and questions.


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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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75 Thoughts on Parent’s Empowering Themselves For Their Children’s Sake
    Rozanne Henry
    July 16, 2014

    Wow What an incredibly powerful read. I identify 500% with every word because I have been healing like this for awhile with Melanie`s programmes – choosing to let go of the victimization around EVERY corner and it truly is so free ing.

    I feel so much more present in my own life and my own dreams.. and the Narcissist feels far away… That is an amazing feeling. I don`t even feel anger towards him anymore. I just feel nothing and completely detached. I know I never would have achieved this level of healing without this energetic approach.

    Sadly my son is still tortured by his father`s growing detachment and yearning to have a father who actually wants to spend time with him. I have detached immensely from the N to the point where meeting his partner last night face to face left me with only a feeling of deep compassion for her…honestly.

    …but my son is struggling enormously and it is affecting every part of his life…

    I`m wondering and contemplating this….. the ONLY hook the N still has as Narcissistic supply is a financial one. This is the ONLY area where I am still not fully empowered. I`ve let go of accountability and am striving for my own independence here….striving to learn what unhealed parts of me is still staring at me, waiting to be set free.

    Yes its a quantum leap to look at my life like this but its the only way to move through to the other side and come out free in every way. This is the only area where the cruelty is still quite evident in our life and to my boys.

    … does a boy ever stop yearning to have a father he can connect to and since his own father is never going to be the person …. could I target this doing specific modules on Connection so that this happens for him through other healthy male sources….

    I really feel for him as he watches other dads in the park.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 17, 2014

      Hi Rozanne,

      thank you for your post.

      In regard to your son, I would absolutely use the Goal Setting Module, and set up the Goal:”My son being at peace with circumstances regarding his father”. Then clear the resistance, and bring in the ‘peace’…

      Replacements of ‘anything’ come in life, when they are not ‘needed’ – the emotional peace is the absolute goal – and then that gives ‘life’ the space and the platform to bring in abundance, wellbeing and ‘more’ expansion.

      I hope you can feel what I am conveying and that this makes sense…

      This may also be appropriate to your financial situation…

      When we have ‘big stuff’ that seems stuck or not moving – it may simply be a surrender into peace – moving out the fear, resistance and bring in the peace (which is Source) and open up when it comes in to the point where you see ‘you’ dissolve.

      That really is the surrender to an infinite power to take over – and the knowing that it will.

      Then with this ‘space’ comes the opportunities, cues, gut feelings and messages for the ‘next step’ when we have got ourselves out of the way.

      This is what I felt inspired to write to you Rozanne.

      Much Love..

      Mel xo

        Rowena Scotney
        June 16, 2018

        hi, I’ve just read Rozanne’s comment and your reply Melanie, and just felt i had to write that this is so very helpful to me and my son too, I will use this in the module, too. I know it’s four years later Rozanne! but am sending love to you and your sons 🙂 x

    Rozanne Henry
    July 16, 2014

    I also agree that the narcissist behaviour towards the children is always based on the negative painful reaction they hope to achieve from that parent. The aim is always to make life as challenging for that parent as possible through the child…. in the hope that you will return to him or break down completely so he then gains more power and Narcissistic supply.

    Reading this article made me realize that this must be why he is spending less and less time with my children because he gets no reaction and ZERO contact from me.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 17, 2014

      Hi Rozanne,

      yes correct. Your children are no longer a ‘way’ to affect you.

      So like tools that no longer work – they are put aside.

      This is common.

      Mel xo

    July 16, 2014

    Nothing but the TRUTH! Thank you thank you Melanie for this Article. It resonated with me…xoxo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 17, 2014

      Hi Rachel,

      you are so welcome, and I am so pleased it resonated with you 🙂

      Mel xo

        October 22, 2015

        To Melanie and to the group. I am quite new to this program. For a long time now, I have listened to other forums but, and big emphasis on the but, they kept me in the victim mode because the emphasis was on the outside only on an unconscious level. The only change that happened was I learned alot about NPD. Ok, enough said about this cause it did not resolve the situation one iota. As a matter of fact, when my husband entered the house, I felt the trauma. My stomach tied up in knots as I had to be careful about what I said to him. But after just doing just the preliminary quanta healing which is by no way the entire program, alot got cleared out of me that my reaction to him was incredibly different. Here is a primary example of this: after 1 year of no touching/no sex on his part, he says to me”Do you need a hug” and you need love. My response was actually I don’t especially by you that is. Also the loving that I give to myself is more than enough, so no thank you. I felt powerful, and light, and nurtured and beautiful with no more fear of him. He backed off after showing me a blank face as (he really is not there) anyways. Mel, I love you. 🙂 x

          November 15, 2016

          Hi Melanie
          I am in the same situation as Helen. I realized that there was something wrong in my relationship when I became a teacher for preschool! My love of my life sounds like my father… I realized that what I am teaching the children he was not doing!! My father was sexually and verbally abusive to me and my mother who was the victim knew exactly what was going on but she could not leave although I talked to her about leaving him when I was only 15 years old. I would give speeches about self love and healthy relationships but she ignored until she met another N. You are right about victim being more damaging to the child because that is what happened to me! She has affected me more in so many ways that I got lost! Here I am today waking up and standing up to what I use to tell my mother…. I will not be the victim!!! i do this for myself and for my daughter! I have not touched my partner for almost a year! I am not letting him into my soul and of course he is the nicest person right now….it makes it hard because I want to believe him, but I know it is not true!! In my life I had struggles with racism when I was a child and there was domestic abuse with my parents which I was very unstable when I grew up! But I always believed that I could make a difference! So here I am today and confirm that you are absolutely right Melanie! I am working with this path!
          May God bless you all!

            May 28, 2018

            I don’t think i ever realized how damaging my mothers continued victim status has been through my life. Your comment kinda snapped a puzzle piece into place even though I had just read Mel talk about it in the blog post. She divorced my malignant overt narc father when i was 12 (im youngest of three boys, scapegoat) but she never did her inner integration and to this day is a relapsing alcoholic that comes in different forms with pills or loathing. Her continued victim status has locked me into this unconscious mental trap that is much like brainwashing and I just now am thinking about it/realizing it. Her continued self victimization has given me the unconscious green light to continue my own victim status thus not allowing me to properly repel the narc (with whom i have young children with). I have read all the words but the level up never resonated. My unconscious mantra has always been to ‘fight back’ against the narc thus driving me deeper into their control and leverage against myself and children. So much of my 6 month journey to this point has been reading or watching things only to truly understand them later. Till today i had kinda chalked my existence up to the universe gave me a life of pain and it will continue until i die because i would never give up fighting against the narc wife for the children’s sake, but, that is a fallacy, and the sooner i heal the sooner the narc will not be able to make mazes with their oh so slippery ways for which there is absolutely no winning.

    July 16, 2014

    Melanie, how do you take control of the situation when 6 years down the track the Narc is still harrassing, making false accusations & lies, holding out financially & constantly going on the attack not only directly but through his lawyers. My sister made no contact over 4 years ago & was ordered to only communicate through the lawyers but the lawyers are just as bad with the harrassment. My sister has to spend every weekend documenting conversations & defending herself for never ending court cases defending herself & her child against all sorts of rubbish. It’s relentless & after 6 years he keeps coming at her through the legal system draining her financially & the legal system allows it to happen. What can we do in this situation to take control of the situation. The only way I can see he will stop if if she backs down & lets him get his own way which is just not fathomable. Standing up for herself & her child only gives him reason to keep coming at her but she has no choice as it’s constantly going through the court system. What can we do??

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 17, 2014

      Hi Kylie,

      this article’s relevance is not about ‘what is happening’. All narcissists do what you have described.

      The relevance is when your sister stops looking outwards and goes in to her unhealed wounds which are generating ‘what he is doing’ THEN it will stop.

      You are not seeing the truth – him stopping has nothing to do with him – it has everything to do with her own emotional development.

      He is simply reflecting the manifestation of her unhealed wounds.

      Mel xo

      Michelle Branson
      October 10, 2018

      That reply is bullshit. It’s like telling a woman who is repeatedly rapped to heal herself.

      What your sister is dealing with is extreme. I think you may benefit from reading Tina Swithon author of (Divorcing A Narcissist)

        May 31, 2019

        It’s bullshit because you refuse to see the truth. I am dealing with the same and am now following Melanie’s advice and it’s incredible. Tina Swithin is STILL dealing with court battles, 10 years later. It’s a NEVER ENDING cycle as long as you don’t end your own wounding and victimisation.

    July 16, 2014

    I feel that i have struggled over long years to find consciousness, since teen years, but i frequently feel numb and with no energy to live and this is very toxic for my daughter.
    I can’t stop this behavior because i feel i have to keep my pain on control, but it’s so big that i can’t keep it under control every time.

    So i suffer intense depression and the only thing that keeps me from committing suicide is my daughter responsibility.
    I have endured so many delusions, and trusted people who were not worth it, always giving the most of my uninterested love.
    And i have been paid back with betrayal, lies, wounds, violence etc.
    I have been on therapy for years, so i gave all my efforts to try to heal and live without this deep sense of hate towards life.

    I start again every day, trying to stay positive, but feel that the more i try to give and to spend myself and to be positive, the more i collect wounds and bad people and the gap between what i gave them in terms of trust, love, encouragement, esteem, help, and what i have received back, is huge.

    I am attracted by the thought of death as i am exhausted.

    I have done all my best, and i am able to spend this huge time alone, as i tested myself staying independent and counting on myself only.
    I have recently been left abruptly by the men I discovered had a Narc personality, who i thought was my sincere and honest partner! Just the opposite of what he was pretending to be!

    I don’t think that we can live only by ourselves: I think that we do deserve other people to enrich our life. It’s not that I depend on others, but I want to be WITH other people, to give and receive bur despite all the efforts, I always end up alone.

    So i don’t understand and i don’t want to accept (at least at a conscious level) that i need to spend further time ALONE, again, working on myself, finding the positive in my life and so on, trying AGAIN to change myself.
    I have always survived through all the bad stuffs that have occurred to me, trying to forgive and not to feel like a victim and to react promptly basing on my own force.

    I was so happy of the life i was finally living, and it was a shock that one day the narc left our house, after I discovered endless cheating.

    Where can I find the power to do the Quanta healing if the first time I tried it I started feeling a physical pain and crying uncontrollably? This will be even more hurt for me. I feel like all my energy has been sucked up by all the pain that I carry into myself and that is always on the verge to explode.

    I don’t feel that we were created to be loved only by ourselves, but to exchange our love with others.
    So delusions also come from other people will: I was so sure to had been choosing this person carefully, this time! I didn’t expect this delusion at all.

    Yes I can start assessing that I am not a victim, but I feel that I have been hurt, and consciously! He could have stop any time, but he didn’t.
    Other people will is not under my control, and I can’t say if somebody is good or bad: it’s just that you discover it one day, after year, time, and love invested.

    Now I feel that my trust into men has been erased completely by the narc, and apart from being ok with my own company, I believe that my life is better with a fellow, a friend and a lover that shares my journey, a family, harmony and the possibility to give!

      July 17, 2014

      Hi Caroline,

      I’m so glad you found this website and are reading the articles. Melanie and her work are truly the best resource I have found on the internet bar none.
      Thank you also for being so open and trusting this environment enough to tell us how you feel and what you are going through. That in itself Caroline is powerful. That is you trying to take care of you, which is really the point of Melanie’s article and her work. Do you see, that by reaching out here, that it is a natural, inherent part of you to do what you need to do to help yourself? You’ve already taken the first step.
      I feel that you are wrapped in the pain. That every moment your thoughts are occupied by what has happened in your relationships, (your partner and friends, family, etc) the losses and betrayal you have suffered and the fear that there is only more pain and isolation to follow. But I want you to see, that your answer is already inside of you. That you do have the skill and the will to do what you need done to change everything. It doesn’t happen all at once, it is one step, then the next.
      You reached out here. You searched, found a trustworthy resource and communicated your need, your hope and your desire for a better life. You did that, so you know that your thoughts are already on getting better instead of thoughts of suicide which you know is that feeling of exhaustion, helplessness and fear and feeling powerless to do anything about it. You feel like it will be a permanent fixture in your life but really, it won’t be. It’s something that you are going through right now and you know it won’t last forever. You’ve already shown that you know that. So that thought is really adding to the pain, like a self punishment. What happens to us when we are young is that when we don’t understand why something is happening and causing us pain, we turn it in on ourselves and blame ourselves for it. Sometimes the perpetrators of the trauma make you think it’s your fault. This builds inside of us and makes us see events and problems as proof that we are at fault, that we caused somehow caused the trauma and consequently deserve the result. We start to dislike ourselves, we become self critical and self abusing. We are wracked with pain and self loathing and that is where the thought of suicide comes from.
      The trauma inflicted on you by others is not your fault and you don’t have to own that. What you can do something about is how you react to it, and you can learn step by step to not internalize it, to stop making it a judgement of yourself or your capabilities because really it’s not. These are the starting steps to healing. Attaching the pain to the event and to the wounded person you were when it happened is also a crucial step, but first I am very concerned that you feel alone and isolated. Is there an agency or a government service in your area that you can call and make an appointment with to talk to someone about your trauma and how you feel about it and yourself because of it? Someone who is qualified and attached to helpful groups like Women’s House or a Sexual Assault Assistance organization who have counselors who are trained in trauma response? I am concerned about you not having a physical person to connect with and someone objective enough to speak with about how you feel who won’t react emotionally and get all freaked out because they were abused as well. Someone who can focus on you and help guide you through this very rough time.
      When you get through it, and believe me, I’ve been there and it won’t take long before you are feeling empowered enough to move forward with self help like Narcissist Abuse Recovery Program and maybe continue with counselling as I have. I can tell you that both together are an incredible help, especially if you get a counselor who is into yoga like philosophies and the energetic principles of attraction. I think you might be in a place where talking with someone and being in physical presence with that person would be most beneficial for you as soon as possible.

      I hope this helps you Caroline. I’m pulling for you and your recovery. Please take very good care of yourself, soothe yourself and love yourself enough to keep doing what you need to do to heal and make a better life for you and your daughter.

      Big warm hugs,

        July 17, 2014

        Thank you very much Claire, for your words! I was expecting to be criticised because i should be happy and grateful for what i have but i am not able to and feel stuck into a loop. Instead your words are of real hope, and i thank you so much because i deserve this kind of sweetness to go on. I hope i can be strong enough to not isolate myself still, and to find the kind of help you are suggesting.
        thank you so much

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 17, 2014

      Hi Caroline,

      it is very true we are not just here to live by ourselves…

      BUT, and its a big one…

      We need to realise our relationship with others and life is reflecting our relationship healed or unhealed with our own Inner Being…

      That is the only place where we can set up any relationship first and foremost.

      I would love to help you understand more deeply…

      If you can please come into my next free Webinar

      Mel xo

        July 18, 2014

        Great idea Melanie!

        I have to tell you Caroline, I personally had a great result from the Webinar. I wish I had thought of that! 🙂 Sorry Melanie.
        I too felt very damaged and with therapy had hit a plateau and for over two years, though I tried various techniques could not break through it. I was stuck and I thought I would remain so. Then Melanie advertised the webinar and I thought why not? It can’t hurt. Best decision ever! I listened to the webinar and when Melanie did the shift, it was to say the least, profound. It changed everything. It not only took me right through the plateau, it showed me that I could do it!
        Now I am doing Melanie’s Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, I’m very new to it but I am having several of what my counselor calls “breakthroughs”. She’s as thrilled as I am! I hope you take Melanie up on the webinar. You won’t regret it. It can make all the difference.

        I’m so glad I encouraged you. Another big hug Caroline.

    July 16, 2014

    Shared in every place I know :). Another great article Mel. Everything happens for a reason even the not so nice stuff, and looking for the gift in those situations has helped me to get through those times. Love and Smiles xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 17, 2014

      Hi Sandra,

      thank you so much for being a ‘Consciousness Warrior’ and passing this message on.

      Big love and smiles back 🙂

      Mel xo

    July 17, 2014

    Thank you so much for this very eye-opening article.

    July 17, 2014

    thanke you so much melanie!!!

    July 17, 2014

    Wow – even though I knew in my heart (all along) that what you say is the absolute answer to so many of life’s problems it isn’t always easy to implement into my life having played the victim role for so long. I should be in counseling or something to move this along faster but he stills has much of financial control. What I have been able to do is realize I don’t have to buy into the carp he tries to feed -“mama don’t play that game no more”. I KNOW I am not to blame for his problems or inadequacies-and no longer allow him to project or gas light them onto me. He’ll have to own them if he wants to change them. Perhaps if he had chosen to allow me to truly be his partner I could of helped but alas that didn’t happen and after playing victim for so long it became who I am/was. I am an intelligent woman who understood this from way back but my childhood victimization kept the path blocked. While I’ve heard this advice before something about the way you said it really resonated with me and I feel empowered to step forward and start making the change in ME for ME -not because someone says I should. One thing I’ve come to realize is I can’t control him or change who he is only myself and once I implement these changes every single day of my life it can possibly open doors for him to work on himself (or not) and if doesn’t do these things for himself then he may not be the one for me. I DESERVE TO BE IN THE ARMS OF SOMEONE WHO LOVES AND RESPECTS ME FOR ME. The little bit different way you said this has brought new life to my determination to improve me! Thank you for dedication to helping others -greatly appreciated chely

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 17, 2014

      Hi Chely,

      truly you are so close to making the step into claiming you and your power..

      Such an important step that you have already taken is that you can’t change him and that you are not responsible for him.

      With that comes the essential understanding that truly does empower us, “He is also NOT responsible for me – I am!”

      Yes you do deserve healthy love, and in order to ‘get’ love we totally need to ‘be’ love – to ourselves, to life and the integrity of Who We Are…then life supplies abundantly.

      I’d love you to come into my next free Webinar to help you make this transition.

      Mel xo

    July 17, 2014

    I discovered your site several days ago and have not stopped reading, crying and rejoicing your life changing insights and knowledge.

    I’m a childhood sexual, physical, emotional and abandoned survivor. My husband left my son and I several months ago. As I read, it becomes more and more illuminated my contribution to the ending of my marriage.

    I was numb in all aspects of my marriage. A victim….felt it was his responsibility to take care of me. The gift he has given me by leaving is crystal clear now!

    You are amazing and truly are saving my life Melanie. You are my angel on earth.

    Alexandria, VA

      July 17, 2014

      Hi Linda,
      I have experienced your pain and have been doing NARP for 5 months. The recovery from child sexual abuse has been long and arduous until finding NARP. You will look back and have a totally different view on life (as you are now). Congratulations to you for finding this web site and having the courage to get started.
      I am so excited for you and will love to see how you are progressing.
      All my love and encouragement

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 17, 2014

      Hi Linda,

      that is so gorgeous that already you are resonating with the truth, and seeing the gift.

      I am so thrilled you arrived in this community.

      Bless, hugs and healing.

      Mel xo

    July 17, 2014

    Excellent article Melanie! Powerful and empowering. The simple truth. The thing about truth is it’s very easy to identify in that there are no layers, no obstacle courses of reasoning that have to be achieved to know it. It just is.
    When we stop making the deal which is, “If you take care of me and I will take care of you” (read: Sacrifice your need to take care of and be responsible for yourself to be responsible for my needs and happiness and I will sacrifice my need to do the same for myself) which is of course impossible and doomed to failure before you even start. This is that Disney-esque love/relationship model that is so based in abuse and self flagellation it’s ridiculous! There is really no deal because the truth is, we can only really take care of ourselves or not.
    When we do take care of ourselves well, then others get the benefit of a presence in their lives that is solid, strong, wise and aware. Now those are valuable relationships and models. Notice how these healthy models are rarely shown in the media. Most programming for adults and children alike show imbalanced, unhealthy models for romance, work, social and family relationships…the interactions these characters have is usually very skewed. Notice too how our “entertainment” is to watch unhealthy models.
    Healthy models though are the sorts of people who know how to get stuff done. Who model truly admirable behavior. They don’t “need” from others, they just seem to know how to do for themselves. People go to them for real advice because they know these people won’t lead them astray.
    If we look at our own behavior with our friends, our co-workers, our community….(I include myself in this because I have made the deal too) are our relationships based on spending time (any amount) gossiping about others, pointing out faults of others, paying rapt attention to celebrities and talking about them, watching a lot of tv (average household is more than 4 hours a day!), frequently getting into conflicts with people over petty things, being very intolerant and judgmental… does that feel like fun or are you pulled into it? Are there people in your circle who make you feel as if you are forced to participate in that behavior even though you yourself don’t like it? Are there people in your life who always need you to do something for them, who act as if helpless and need your assistance with everything? Do you get bored, procrastinate, impulsively do things like eat, drink, shop, gamble or buy a lot of useless stuff you don’t use? If so, you have and are making the deal! Your validation comes from outside and you are modelling that behavior for your kids.
    They will repeat it because it’s all they know. And sooner or later, when they are hurt and miserable they will know that you raised them with those limitations and before they heal, if they heal, they will hate you for it. They will hate you because you showed them to have and tolerate horrible relationships, to be needy, clingy, insecure, to tolerate mean and vicious people and have them in their own homes, to value things more than people, to be distracted from important tasks by being addicted to the television instead of living a life, to sit around talking about stuff and people they don’t even really know about, to be engaged in idle gossip and be the brunt of it as well. They will hate you for not keeping their confidence, not teaching them how to trust themselves, for not loving them enough to teach them what they really need to know to live a happy satisfying life, for not loving yourself enough to see yourself that you chose a horrible way to live. They will hate you because you raised them watching everything you do to you, them and others year after year. Worse is, they will hate themselves because they have to take what is handed to them because it’s all they know. They don’t know how to create it for themselves.
    All it takes to change that is to make one decision. The decision to take care of yourself. When you do that, you aren’t a victim.
    To make that decision you need to know you are in pain because you’ve created it period. How do you handle that? You can’t change anyone else, you can’t force, manipulate, threaten or magically make anyone do anything to make you better. Not even your own children. All you can do, is change you.
    You are so right Melanie, it is on us. All of it. No excuses.
    I re-framed the great info you gave to give that personal view of what our lives are like when we are living unconsciously.
    Again, great article, a truly healthy projection and solid advice Melanie.
    Thank you so much for doing what you do the way you do it! 🙂


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 17, 2014

      Hi Claire,

      It is so true that the truth ‘just is’ – when we reach it – it just is our being – no need to further dissect, struggle with, or have to keep trying to re-enforce.

      This is why our mind and its limitations and egoic ‘stories’ can be such an impediment, and we need to do the work to get past that and release them out of our system, so that we can uncover and start being Who We Are.

      I TOTALLY 100% agree with you that the co-dependent idolised relationship model has been nothing more than “You supply me myself, and I’ll supply you yourself’ and a perpetual toxic power and energy struggle with a great deal of unhealed personal woundedness thrown in..

      It JUST does not work…

      You have relayed powerful truths about unconsciousness Claire – and I love your ‘say it how it is’ account – because it is so TRUE.

      What really stood out for me if the personal responsibility you write about it. It is SO true how people continually blame – yet it is THEM who is participating.

      Yes, Claire we are all accountable – regardless of how we got led here…the only POWER is in being fully accountable.

      Thank you so much for your wonderful post.

      Mel xo

        July 18, 2014

        My pleasure Mel.

        Thank you. 🙂


      July 18, 2014

      Hello Me 🙂 (that’s so cute)

      You are very welcome. Melanie’s articles are so well researched and written. They’ve been so helpful and little by little they have chipped away at my unconsciousness and helped me to wake up. I see now the parts I’ve played in my circumstances. I’ve been working on myself for a while now. For years I had the head knowledge. I “knew” but I didn’t have the mechanism to apply it. It was like having thousands of puzzle pieces but no picture to go by. Mel provides a clear picture that keeps getting clearer all the time. Now I can put my puzzle together and I get to meet such incredible enthusiastic people as well! It’s a win win! I’m so glad to be here.


        July 19, 2014

        I just wanted to add that the application doesn’t happen all at once. It’s like layers and we can learn to see where we are projecting as a victim over time. Journalling really helps me with this. I don’t necessarily see it when I say it, but in reflection, I can see it clearly. It doesn’t take long, but if you’ve identified as a “victim” for most of your life, it permeates everything. So I’m getting through the layers. I’ve gotten through enough of them to see how much of a victim I have been and I know I still have much to work out. How do I know? I am still attracting abusers, needy, clingy people who want other people to make their lives work. People still want to hand over their responsibilities to me. I used to become enmeshed and try to help, but honestly, I have never successfully fostered any independence that way. The dependence becomes worse and the relationships explode. It’s too much for one person to bear, no matter how well intentioned you are. I struggle with asserting myself but I am enforcing that boundary and having much success. I am responsible for myself. They are responsible for themselves. I feel much less drained, my mind is more occupied with what I need to do for me rather than worrying about someone else’s issues. Mostly NARP and healing. I’m not dropping everything and saving people from their own bad choices. My conversations with these people are brief, to the point and I don’t let them vent on me anymore. I keep a distinct arms length and I have severed many toxic relationships. I’m starting fresh. Out with the old toxic unhealthy nonsense and in with the new, clear, healthy, and nourishing relationships and behaviors. 🙂


    July 17, 2014

    Go, Melanie, GO GO GO! Nobody puts the truth out there the way you do! Even while believing you, I still had to do the work to KNOW the truth for myself. I can finally say that I am radically responsible for my inner state. Whatever comes up is mine. I still have more wounds to heal but I’ve crossed a threshold out of victimization and into self care.

    I was raised by a narc and my daughter’s narc father took her from me 20 years ago and we have hardly spoken since. She displays some narcissistic tendencies herself. Then I’ve been in 2 severe narc relationships since. It was not until I found you, Melanie, that I know my life has any hope of peace.

    To anyone out there who has found Melanie, do the work! No matter how long it takes to clear your wounds. It is the only way.

    Thank you, Melanie!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 17, 2014

      Hi Sara,

      I love that you have taken on the radical responsibility model – because even when we are not ‘there’ – this orientation powerfully starts leading us to our own emancipation and freedom.

      It is people like you Sara that are to me the TOTAL confirmation of the passion for my personal dharma.

      Bless you dear lady.

      Mel xo

    July 17, 2014

    Brauva! Melanie !
    My only concern is not all will read this, if they thought it had only to do with parents and children.
    Love the passion. The part on families spontaneously reuniting when a member heals them-self from within, was inspiring. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 17, 2014

      Hi Myrtle,

      I agree this is relevant for all victimisation models…

      Thank you and I am so pleased you are inspired!

      Mel xo

    July 17, 2014

    Oh yes Mel,
    I am yet another prime example of what you say here being totally correct. As I felt bullied and harassed by Narcs, so was my daughter. As I have healed, so is she. I thought I was hiding my pain really well from her, but “oh no”. She picked it up vibrationally even to the extend of duplicating my illnesses which I had never mentioned to her.
    What a change we have seen and how marvelous!
    I am behind you 100% as you know.
    You go girl!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 17, 2014

      Hi Annie,

      it is so true that when we are not evolving ourselves – our children also suffer our maladies.

      The power of emotional and DNA connection is immense.

      This is, as you have stated, when we heal and evolve ourselves this gets ‘passed on’ to our children automatically.

      Thank you Annie, I know you are powerfully advocating – and as always I feel your love from here!

      Mel xo

    July 17, 2014

    Hi Melanie,

    Thanks for smacking me on the head, and boy…I sure do see myself as a victim recently.

    My daughter – she is so hooked into fighting her dad…over everything from accountibility, seeing him financially lavish other while arguing with her over basic needs, so on and so on. It just fuels him up.

    Do you have any suggestions on a Goal setting theme that I can focus on?

    Thank you and all my love!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2014

      Hi Jean,

      you are so welcome. Are you working with NARP?

      The key is to be constantly working on releasing your own victimisation, and first and foremost healing you and making that the ultimate focus…then you are in a position to address how you feel about your daughter.

      You must model where you want her to go by example first – otherwise it simply does not work to try to help her or focus on helping her.

      Mel xo

    July 18, 2014

    When I started regaining power and feeling strong again after leaving ex N, my daughter had a dream which clearly shown that she was unconsciously seeing the change in me. In this dream she saw me going through a short tunnel – I entered it looking as ordinary me and emerged with big strong muscles, standing proud, kind of like a superhero. My daughter was a bit confused and she said “it’s not normal for a woman to have such big muscles”, but later we talked a lot about feeling strong and in control of our lives and she admitted that it must be “cool” and important to feel proud and strong, with or without massive muscles 🙂

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    July 18, 2014

    Hi Me,

    I am so glad you feel the importance. I also love how powerfully you feel this for our kids.

    Thank you dear lady 🙂

    Mel xo

    Kelly Simmons
    July 19, 2014

    Thank you thank you thank you. The last two articles have been truly a God Send. When i first realized i was a victim i layed quietly in bed all day reflecting. I can honestly tell you i have never felt so much anger in my life. Anger because for much of my 56years people i carted About BELIEVED THE LIES, and of course the i was on the edge as it was. Ilost my19 year old son and that too became about my mother, and dividing the family.
    My mother had alzheimers/dementia now and well It has been horrfic. All others fought me all the way. I have literally been fighting this fight alone. Not even my own children, my siblings have taken the bs to them to the point they they don’t talk to me. I can’t believe they don’t know what to believe. I have only gone to them over this period of three years in emotional/suicidal desperation, and i know that. Which brings me too today’s Article. My kids though adults are all i have had for the last36 years, i felt very abandoned.
    I want to bring my family unit back, no not back forward. I was in a long term relationship with a narcissist as well. And i am determined too break this sick cycle.
    You have given me hope and a road map,
    ThAnk you with all my heart

    July 23, 2014

    Is there a second article?

    August 1, 2014

    Hi Mel,

    The part of the article that really resonates with me is: “Victimisation is just as unconscious as narcissism.”

    I have struggled with this one for a while, almost since I began NARP in February 2013, because I could see no effective difference in the essential co-dependent behaviours between myself (when triggered) and my mother, who is a narcissist. The behaviour looked similar, so I couldn’t initially understand why the motivation was different. Where it became really clear was in her inability to go within, to question her own motivations, to ever admit error or wrongdoing, or to respond with anything approaching true compassion or understanding. Which we tried to do in therapy sessions. It was really difficult for me to finally get that she`s broken inside, and I still feel sad for her, and for me, that she can never heal. Because I will never have a relationship with my mother like the one I imagined I could have. One of unconditional love, warmth, support and connection.

    Part of me still has doubts about her narcissism, and part of me is still afraid that if I completely embraced the gift, that I would somehow have amnesia about the abuse and have to go through it all over again.

    I am working through the Co-dependency Module in the Self Empowered Course for the second time around (maybe a bit rushed the first time) and although I am excited about releasing my co-dependency I am still a little afraid of it.

    Have you completely overcome your own co-dependency or does it still come up for you once in a while? I suspect that this one, for me at least, is going to take a lot of work. But I, and my young children, as well as future generations, are worth the effort.

    Keep up the good work Melanie. I really appreciate reading your blog posts and the emails keep me moving in the right direction when I get distracted.


    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 1, 2014

      Hi Nadine,

      it is really vital to understand that we don’t need pain and fear to have boundaries.

      By clearing our pain and fear and egoic reactions does not mean that we will allow abuse – in fact it empowers us against it immeasurably.

      When we are free of our young painful wounds, and showing up as a healthy whole adult, we then observe with incredible wisdom, discernment and calm detachment.

      The more free of pain and fear we are, the healthier our sense of ‘self’ is, and the more we recognise if people and things are not a match for us.

      Our observation is: “No not my reality’ and ‘I know my truth in relation to this’

      Its your ego illusion keeping you in the need to stay separated from the gift – because that then ensures the pain of victimisation keeps going…

      Co-dependency is the human condition. My orientation is to fully embrace and shift any parts of my co-dependency that come up – so that I can dissolve more and more of my egoic fears and be a healthier more radiant truly sourcing and co-generating self.

      It is my greatest joy and mission in life to be the best, freest and most inspired and inspirational being I can be.

      This means I am totally dedicated to feeling ‘what is not right’ and finding the associated trapped painful wounds that are responsible for this, and releasing them out of my body.

      I love that daily journey because it just gets better and better!

      I hope this explains!

      Mel xo

    August 13, 2014

    I have been searching for help as a parent of a narcissistic adult daughter. I have seen these patterns throughout her life and it breaks my heart to think that NPD is not something that can be changed. There are so many examples that you have listed that are familiar to us… lying, no interest whatsoever in others’ lives, etc., perfectionism to hide great fear and lack of self-esteem. Can you guide us to a reference that may help us in trying to work toward helping her to find her true Self, while saving our own hearts? We are at a loss.

    August 18, 2014

    Is this programm also helpfull to really get the narcist permanently out of your life. even in a co-parenting situtation?

    August 22, 2014

    Wow! I needed to hear this wake up call! dealing w/ a narc co-parent from hell has been extremely hard but I am not going to be a victim! I didn’t even know people like this existed until 4 years of dealing with one. There needs to be more awareness especially in court system. Sadly, He could care less about our daughter, only about getting his way/ being in control. he can fake it & lie to a judge for 30 min to get what he wants, it’s disturbing. He put me threw a horrible custody battle, won’t pay child support, fraudulently used daughters ssn, & refuses to follow court ordered parenting time/place. He tries to use my daughter to manipulate & control. It is comforting to know I am not alone & not crazy. I have had a Hard time sticking to the no contact because we do share a child but I see no other way than a strict no contact. Has anyone been successful in getting psych tests ordered in court? We have joint custody now, I would like full.

    Pia Idaline Buchwald Christjansen
    December 20, 2014

    Thank You so Much Melanie, why did’nt K find You and Read this article before. I have struggled for 10 years now and searched intensively for help and now 1 1/2 year ago lost my full custody to a N who has violently attacked me at several occasions , stalked and lied/injuries me on proportions Noone wants to hear about. The fact is I have lost my son. Seems like You are saying that even though the children are no more with You it Can make a huge difference to begin a healing course ? How would You propose me to begin ? Thank You Many greetings Pia

    Sallie johnson
    March 15, 2015

    This article is very helpful to me, thankyou.
    I have an 11 month old baby who was planned with my ex Narc. Currently no contact after discovering he had contacted 100s of women on fake profiles, dealt with hoovering and abuse from him & his Narc parents. I laid boundaries 3 months ago for him to see our baby at regular times and with regular financial support. N has paid nothing to our son, can never make my suggested time but often asks for different times which I have never agreed to as I know its all a game with no genuine interest- not seen the baby for 3 months now. N’s mother appears every few weeks I believe without this N would never be in touch as he gets no reaction from me. I don’t believe it is in my sons interest to form a relationship with his father at the moment as he does not want a regular contact arrangement but does it through wanting to get at me or to appease his mother, he now has a new girlfriend. How do I continue grandparent contact when I know it is only done to get N to react by his mother which in turn means he bombards me?

    March 19, 2015

    This is true for me after spending my son’s entire life in family court. I must start turning up as a healthy adult for him. But what can I do about my mother who has involved herself as a victim too and is affecting my son? She pits herself against my ex and I am battling her codependence at the same time. I have tried to break free (including moving but she has moved now too) and I have tried to get her to let go – but she refuses to reflect. I feel a desire to rebel against her by not healing because she always talks about me ‘getting better’. But her codependence is part of what drove me to attract a narcissist into my life. My son is hurt by the conflict between his parents but also talks about the pain he feels due to conflict between me and grandma. She is always asking him questions about his dad and telling him what his dad is ‘really like’ and she believes she’s helping me. If I tell her not to, she gets offended and I fear losing her love. I want her in our life but I’m afraid that she is keeping us trapped in the energetic attraction of narcissistic abuse and a spiral of victimisation. How do I break free of her codependence and how she involves herself as a victim to my ex (and his mother who is involved in enabling his abuse) – and stop her contributing to a toxic parenting environment for my son?

    June 24, 2015

    Hi Melanie,

    I have such a long story in regards to how I was perfect for my ex narc, but that’s not why I’m reaching out. I share custody of a beautiful loving bright 7 year old girl with my ex. My biggest concern is our daughter. She was diagnosed with mild autism at 2 years old. For me it’s one thing to walk this road of autism with our daughter. Challenges of the world not accepting to what they don’t understand. The cruelty because the world chooses to not educate their children. However, I choose to accept the world as it is. What puts that cheery on top is my ex. Yeah, I go through the usual crap. “You’re not a good mother” he’s the ideal parent. Okay whatever. The good about all that is it’s mainly through text, so all I have to do is read the first few words to see where this message is going and I can toss my phone and read it when I’m board. God, there is so much to write. For about a year now, my ex has been claiming I feed our daughter junk food. We will meet at toys r us to hand over our daughter weekly. Every Sunday after I leave from handing over my baby to this whack job, I will get a text within an hour claiming that our daughters stomach looks swollen. That I need to feed her healthy food not junk. I’m leaving out a great deal of choice words so I can get to the point. This past Saturday, I’m at the movies with my friend and I receive a text from the ideal parent. He sent me a picture of my baby standing in only her underwear to show me her stomach. Not just to me, both myself and his mother, since we both had taken her out that day. I replied back telling him, how disturbing it is that as a male he is taking pictures of a little girl in her underwear and that he is a creep for it. Now I know I fed into his crap, but it felt good for me to call him a creep. What really got under my skin was the length he was willing to go for kicks. Just to be clear I’m fine. I know what he wanted, however, how do I handle this situation from affecting my daughter? I feel that was unforgivable for a father to degrade his little girl like that. Do what or say whatever to me, but back off our kid.

    December 4, 2015

    Hi mel
    i recently stumbled upon your site . I truely feel you are an angel. The first article i read on your site is “how to make the narcissist powerless to affect your life”. Trust me it made an instant difference in my life.
    I need your advise regarding my yelder daughter who is 18 now. Being a co-dependent mom i inflicted a lot of pain on her which i did not realise when she was younger and was longing for my love and affection. I often overcome by guilt and sadness when i remember her younger years (0-8). After that i realised slowly but then the damage has already been done. it didnt help that my narc husband tried to belittle me and turn her against me .
    Though she is a nice girl ,she is not concentrating on her studies. she is already repeating her 12th grade. I am concerned about her. Though i feel family situation and the fact that i wasnt a very good mother ( i did not pay her attention and wasn’t loving and caring cos i was struggling with my co-dependency living at my in-law’s place with the whole extended family ).
    Though i take care of her now(I know!) she usually wont respond to me. The only thing i wish is she be good in her studies and have a good career so that she is independent financially. One of the main reasons i feel i am still with my narc is b’cos i am dependent financially.
    I am not sure how to behave with my daughter i continue doing things like doing laundry ,cleaning her room,preparing lunch for her as i do for my younger daughter and my narc husb. and carry on with her putting me down and neglecing her studies ,wasting time,sleeping until 12pm(it used to be until 2pm) . not that i mind doing these things for .my question is can i set any boundaries.would it help her? I dont feel sad at all by her putdowns and i understand her situation. i love my daughter very much. i just want to know if there is anything i can do to make her feel loved so that she will start focussing on things important for her rather than grieve about failed relationships

    August 30, 2016

    Thank you so much for this article! Now that I am finally fully conscious of the narcissistic abuse I dealt with for 13+ years with the father of my children and have been working on healing myself, my biggest concern has shifted towards protecting my children. My very sensitive and cautious 8 year old son is most affected and I see him feeding into the manipulation and it kills me. Knowing that by me working on myself and giving him the safe haven within my space to return to will make the greatest difference in his life going forward gives me such comfort and peace. I’m going to continue growing my awareness and levelling up! Thank you!!!!

    Like some of the other posters I also get the insanely long emails about everything I’m doing wrong as a mom, regular verbal abuse every time I come to collect the children from him and deal with him saying horrible things about me to anyone who will listen – including the children. The good news is, very few (if any) believe him, the emails and voicemails can be deleted (after sending to my lawyer) and I can actually smile now when I see him completely unravelling in my presence because I ignore his repetitive nonsense. It’s hard to be unaffected by it all, but when you no longer feed into it, you realise he’s such a sad little bully desperate for love and adoration. And it is pathetic.

    I vow to be the example for my children. They are both bright and now I feel assured that they will survive life with their dad. I will do everything in my power to make sure of it! Thanks again! Keep these powerful articles coming. xo

    December 3, 2016

    I feel paralyzed by 18 years by Narcissist Abuse with my spouse. I grow up with both parents being Narcisstic. When trying to heal and breaking the cycle, it feels like an uphill battle. Some days I feel empowered. Some days I feel like I’m serving a life sentence. I feel imprisoned. It’s a constant roller coaster. I live in a constant state of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Never ending cycle. I’m glad I found you. It keeps me on track and empowers me. It’s the one thing that is giving me clarity. I stay very angry a lot and I just don’t know why I hold onto all this anger. I know it defeats me. Thank you for your knowkedge and inspiration.

    February 11, 2017

    This is a very powerful message. My father is a narc and an alcoholic and have been abusive to my mother, my brother and me. I begged my mother for us to leave him when I was in my teens — but she decided to stay — but she wallowed in self pity – Drowning herself with romantic novels and also shrunk deep into depression that we (my brother and I) were emotionally abandoned. Like a zombie, and with a martyr’s hat, she would go through the motions daily — over caring for us and over compensating with food and doing household chores. But no emotional connection. She was unhappy all through out her life that it became my and my brother’s job to try our best to make her happy — to protect her from our father. In later years, she also became emotionally manipulative — specially to me.. decades of self abandonment made her hungry for love. She parentified me — raised me to become a bread winner and a shadow / extension of herself. I adored and loved her — was devastated when she was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2009– I poured myself into caring for her — researching for a cure.. obsessively trying to save her from herself — her obsession for “overcaring for other people”… from 2 years ago, I started hating her — for expecting and taking so much from me. For engulfing me.. for violating boundaries I set for myself.. using her disease to earn favours for my brother — who seemed incapable of paying off his debts– always borrowing money from me without interest.. without any explanation of when it will every stop.. this brother is the one I sent to college for 8 years, supported until he and his wife and 2 kids are stable with their jobs… I am a single mother without any emotional support from a romantic partner.

    Melanie, you are so right in saying.. that codependents also become abusers themselves — my mother became an abuser in later years.. being a mother myself– I know this is not how a mother should behave.. when you are being abused in front of your children — it paves the way for disrespect in later years..

    I have to heal my emotional inner child wounds in order to stop the cycle of abuse.. this is not the life I would want my daughter to have. I want her to have healthy relationships in the future.. now that i have seen the patterns — it have to stop with me.. the cord of bondage / abuse should stop now

    James Ricker
    March 13, 2017

    LOVE THIS!!!
    I was just writing about this topic in my post “Which Wolf Are You Feeding?” I think this is very difficult, yet necessary.
    I am rediscovering myself when I experience myself as whole and complete. Like this, I am aware of what I have and what I can do rather than what’s missing and feeling powerless. It makes a difference for me and noticeably makes a difference for my child in the small amounts of time I currently see them.
    I’m glad to see this being discussed.

    March 29, 2018

    It’s awful for everyone involved. The children are emotionally shaking. The spouse is shaking, and the NPD is an absolute terrorist. However, once I made the decision to exit from this spouse’s life, it was a done deal. Now, I’m focusing on my healing/shifting/changing all. Meanwhile, my concerns are that my son may side with his abuser for a while to come. All that I can do is show him a much better but resolved way. That’s why I joined NARP.

    June 14, 2018

    So brilliant Melanie, thank you xx this inspired me to create a new page on my art website, i’ve been meaning to do this for a little while but this morning found myself just doing it, after reading… felt such a necessity to share …. The page is on healing into new joy and creative strength – more than ever before! and aiming to share resources …i hope many many others see your article and all of your wonderful resources.

    rowena x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 15, 2018

      Hi Rowena,

      I am so pleased this inspired you!

      Awww I love your energy and passion 😀

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

        June 16, 2018

        thank you 🙂 x I keep finding golden nuggets of articles of yours and they help so much x

    July 26, 2018

    This article is so empowering for me! I am currently going through a divorce after being married to a narcissist for over 23 years. I took your 16 day course last Fall but was not sure that my soon to be ex was a narcissist. I knew he had untreated ADHD, was a bully, porn addict, liar, cheater and thought he might be a narcissist. I now am convinced that he is a narcissist (still a little torn between psychopath vs. narcissist). I will be participating in a narcissist abuse support group starting in August.

    I am retaking your 16 day course and EVERYTHING resonates with me now. It has provided so much validation and clarity for me. I have 3 children and have been worried about the future but this article has really pointed me in the direction I need to take.

    THANK YOU so much Melanie. You are helping so many of us. You are amazing!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 26, 2018

      Awww Tami,

      I am so pleased you are so on your healing path and please know how welcome you are!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    January 29, 2019

    Thank you for all of these encourag words. My only daughter, 29, is a narcissists. The worst I’ve ever seen. She has 3 little children. She has used the oldest, 6 year old as her child to blame and treat horribly. She has neglected and abused her her entire young life. There is a 3 year old, who she idolizes. These two children are from one marriage. They are separated…soon to be divorced. My daughter uses her body to trap men…..gets pregnant and claims her birth control didn’t work. She has had multiple affairs. She cannot hold a job, she lives on the couch. She practically abandoned her children, leaving them to live in squalor, no food, deplorable home conditions, literally caring for themselves as they could. Their father lived with it because he didn’t want to cross her. She could be dangerous. She would stop at nothing thing to get what she wanted. She lies better then she tells the truth….a compulsive liar. She now lives with a new man, who she had living with her after only 3 weeks of moving out of the marital home. Her new boyfriend has been warned by us about her behavior. He has no idea what he is headed for. He doesn’ t even believe us when we tell him to get out now……while he can. They have a 3 month old baby. My daughter will continue this pattern, trap the man By getting pregnant, they supports her so she doesn’t have to work, she gets to sit home on the couch and neglect her children, her home and her family. My only daughter…..we have stopped talking to her. We can’t take the lies and abuse any longer. We fear for our grandchildren. She has 50/50 custody.

    April 25, 2019

    Thank you. I needed to read that.

    October 18, 2019

    Is there a book out that covers the recovery steps and how to co-parent with a narc? I was officially divorced in April of this year and have a 5 year old daughter. I never understood why or what was wrong (I just new something was off with him and the drastic outburst) with relationship after our daughter was born until I saw your information on Facebook.

    Thank you

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