It’s understandable to feel victimized and that the perpetrator of this abuse is to blame for what you’ve been through. I get that because I’ve been there too!

Narcissistic abuse is devastating, and it desecrates every level of your life – mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially.

But to be brutally honest, that won’t get you anywhere. Instead, it will keep you stuck in a powerless and painful state for a long time.

Staying in victim mode only hurts you, and blaming others only distracts you from yourself, who is the only person you can truly change.

In this beautiful Thriver community, we know there’s another way to approach this.  We know there is a powerful stance we can take to move our lives forward and away from the Soul devastation the narcissists inflicted upon us.

Join me in today’s Thriver TV episode so I can share with you the path to recovery … the empowered way to leave all this abuse behind you.

 

Video Transcript

This controversial video will help you understand some deep things, especially if you feel really victimized by what happened to you.

Many of you may not agree with me, and I could even be accused of victim blaming. But that doesn’t matter because my mission is not about being popular; it’s about helping you heal for real.

 

Validating You

I will start by validating you because what you have been through is terrible. Narcissistic abuse is devastating, and it desecrates every level of your life – mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially.

It impacts everything and everyone you love, and you suffer terrible losses. Things like property and everything you’ve worked for, and maybe even contact with your children, if you’ve suffered that loss as well, it’s horrific.

Of course, you wonder how you’re ever going to recover. What is worse is the Soul devastation. It’s like nothing else. Unless you’ve been through it, you can’t even imagine it. You feel like you’ve suffered a literal Soul rape. That’s how impactful narcissistic abuse is, whereby the anxiety, the depression, and the lifelessness inside of you can feel truly overwhelming. It feels like a black ink coursing through your veins, a terrible psychic virus that has overtaken you. That’s the truth.

 

Fast Forward To The Thriver View

Now I just want to fast-forward you into the Thriver view because right now I want to give you hope. This is the hope – there are countless people I know, including myself, who have made full recoveries after being in those bowels of hell.

This is not just where you become a survivor but a true Thriver, meaning that your life is better and more extended now than it was even before abuse, or even if abuse is all that you’ve ever known.

What’s really important today is that I’m going to explain the one principle that allows this to happen so that it can become possible for you as well. I’m going to get to that one principle really soon, but before I do, I want to explain to you the limitations of victimization.

 

Explaining Victimization

So, let me explain what victimization is. I’m going to start off with an example.

I want you to imagine if I said to you, “Because of your behavior, my life is ruined, and I’m going to hate you. I’m going to hold you responsible, and I’m going to try to force you to fix what you’ve done. I’m going to try to hold you accountable for that.”

What if you were too disordered and damaged to be able to fix anything? What if you didn’t want to fix it for me? What if you were actually getting satisfaction due to me hurting this much, and it made you feel even more significant?

If that’s the case, I’ve just handed my power away to you. I am now a victim of what you did to me, and I forfeited my own ability to heal and create my own life. I’m now in a traumatized limbo, and I’m taking the emotional poison of victimization every day, hating you and what you did to me and trying to get you to pay for it or fix it.

This poison that I’m taking every day is akin to me being poisoned, hoping you’re going to drop dead, which you’re not. And I’m unable to create anything new or different in my life until I let go of this need to change you or to try to hold you accountable.

Now, I’m not saying what you’re feeling is wrong. It’s not about it being wrong or right. We’re talking about what does or doesn’t work in relation to where you want to go, which is where we all want to go—to freedom, healing, and a great, healthy life.

So, that’s the victim model, where healing is actually impossible. Now, let’s examine radical personal responsibility, and I’ll explain it to you.

 

Radical Personal Responsibility

What radical personal responsibility is is this … if the trauma is in my body as an adult, only I can take responsibility to heal it. Now, let’s get clear: taking responsibility to heal yourself does not mean taking the blame for what happened to you.

That’s what people say, “You’re victim blaming and shaming.” It’s not. Taking responsibility to heal is not about blaming yourself. Taking responsibility for your devastated and traumatized Inner Being means turning inwards to tend to it. Our attention can only be on one thing at a time. If you’re focused on the narcissist and what happened to you, and that’s where your focus is, you can’t turn inwards to attend to healing yourself.

It would be like being hit by a car and chasing after the driver rather than going to the hospital because you’re internally bleeding and it’s threatening your life. Pema Chödrön, a genius, had this incredible example of somebody hitting you with an arrow, and you scream at them instead of pulling the arrow out.

So, at the start of your healing journey, it’s essential to understand the phenomenon of narcissism. It’s crazy. And it’s not a human model. It’s an understanding that this is an empty, no-self individual. They’re siphoning people’s energy, Life Force, and resources out like a vampire by triggering them into handing over their narcissistic supply.

It’s important to understand that because it bends your brain until you realize there are people like this and realize they are somebody you can’t have a healthy, safe relationship with. They don’t want love, kindness, togetherness, teamwork, and solution-building—they don’t want those things.

But after that, it is vital to turn within, to heal that internal trauma, that bleeding inside. As children, we are powerless to do this, but as adults, we are not.

Radical personal responsibility means rather than me focusing on you – until you’re held accountable or you fix it or change it, I’m a victim to what you’ve done to me – instead, in radical personal responsibility, I’m going to turn inwards to heal myself beyond this, regardless of what you are going to do or not do.

Not with self-blame and judgment like, “This was my fault.” Instead, with the loving, super presence to free myself of the pain I’ve experienced from you.

When we do this the right way, the Quantum way, which is the way I love to do it, it’s not done with rumination and regurgitation of what happened repeatedly, just submitting yourself further into the victim story. It’s actually done by going deeper. It’s done with healing and development at an energetic, emotional, somatic, body, inner, and subconscious level so we can midwife our own emotional graduation beyond the pain. It’s a process of going through what we need to to get out the other side.

Just as if you were hit by a car and you’re bleeding internally, and you need physical surgery, your internal wounds require energetic, emotional surgery. This was a huge shift for me personally. I was like so many of us. Understandably, I was righteous. I believe that bad people should be held to account. I completely and utterly believed that I was a victim of his behavior and that this had nothing to do with my Inner Being requiring attention and work.

In this place, I stayed bleeding internally with my life crumbling around me until the pain, the depression, the anxiety, and the narcissistic abuse symptoms were so severe that I had a complete breakdown where I nearly died.

It wasn’t until I turned inward with full, radical personal responsibility to heal the trauma within that I started to heal. As the journey continued, I began to truly Thrive in better and more incredible ways than I ever had in my entire life, even before abuse, and more than I even imagined was possible.

This happened because my focus changed from “I’m going to try to change what you did to change me,” which was fruitless and powerless, to “I’m going to heal and change myself,” which quickly granted me relief and progress.

That was even despite being told by the medical profession that because I’d suffered a breakdown so severe at an adrenal and a cognitive level, I was told I would never actually heal from that breakdown and would need anti-psychotics for the rest of my life to function so on and so forth. None of that was true.

So on this beautiful inner, poignant journey of self, I discovered, and I was able to reverse many things about myself. Such as the reasons why I was continuing to return to a man over and over who was abusing me. Why, when I was threatened with being abandoned, that I would keep handing away more and more of my rights and why I would cling and I would hang and do anything to not be abandoned.

I kept trying to lecture, prescribe, and fix the person who was not honest, caring, or safe instead of being honest with, pulling away from, and taking care of me. At first, this was a challenge.

Initially, I took the step of knowing that if I kept focusing on him and what he’d done to me, I wasn’t going to get better, and I didn’t. It created my breakdown. When I turned inwards, I had to shift away from the belief that tending to my inner broken being meant that I was blaming myself, like it was somehow my fault and that somehow I was defective. Yet the truth at this point was, absolutely, I was broken and barely functioning.

I did need to heal because life could no longer go on as normal until I did. I was so fortunate in my journey to discover ways to work directly on my Inner Being, where I could find, load up, release, and reverse the beliefs and the painful, dense traumas. The reasons and the original wounds that had actually been causing me to struggle my whole life with boundaries and being able to say no. And the reasons, the deep inner reasons, of why I hadn’t been able to pull away from abusive others.

What I found on this journey was that I did have internal traumas and false beliefs regarding the belief that I needed to try and keep other people happy, hand away my power, and forfeit my own rights and values to try to get love, approval, security, and survival outside of myself.

There were many inner parts of me that were a broken child who hadn’t yet grown up into my own power, my own truths, and the ability to lay boundaries. I had taken on other people’s traumas and behaviors that I’d absorbed as a child, and they’d come from my genetic makeup. The women in my family had definitely played out these patterns, and there were lots of deeper reasons as to why this had been my life.

Now, getting back to the whole victim blaming, shaming thing, none of these things, none of these internal traumas had been my fault. Instead, they’d been a part of my human experience. These were things trapped inside of me that had been deeply unconscious until narcissistic abuse or until life could no longer go on with these internal traumas. As a result of turning inwards and taking that full, radical, personal responsibility and taking my focus off him and instead meeting, releasing, and reprogramming these previous parts of myself, I could go free from them.

This would have been impossible unless I’d turned inwards and dedicated myself to healing. I couldn’t have healed these things without taking radical personal responsibility.

 

In Conclusion

I really hope that this video has spoken to you. I know none of you like being stuck in the victim model. It is so horrifically painful to be there, and healing is impossible. So, I invite you to explore your ability to turn inward and heal from this.

As always, I would love to recommend to you NARP, which is my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, which is a signature program in this community that helps shift people out of their wounds and their traumas and, of course, the very normal victimization, to be able to deeply heal on the inside and transform yourself beyond those connections and those ties and that regret and the resentment and the hurt, into your true freedom regardless of what the narcissist is or isn’t doing.

So check out the link to this video and the show notes. I really hope that this has given you hope.

I look forward to your comments and your questions. Remember to share and like this video.

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Commments (20) + Leave a comments

20 thoughts on “Hiding Behind Victimisation And Blaming Instead Of Taking Responsibility

  1. Dear Melanie!
    I loved the video and I love this transcription even more because it gives me time to really absorb everything that you are saying. Knowing that I am a victim of narcissistic and other abuse, physical and sexual included, in my life is, not an excuse for me to dwell in self pity…. I love your reference to this being part of our “human experience” and that you were able to find clarity and understanding in that…. I sometimes forget, that, if we are on spiritual journeys, all things are not going to be easy and wonderful! I think that you made that pretty clear today and I really appreciate everything that you explained so well as to how to avoid this kind of soul depleting nonsense. There is, when I engage in self pity, a temporary jolt of “something or another”, maybe a peptide reaction, but it always dissipates and I end up feeling like crap afterwards. It’s not a good feeling at all! But my system has become used to it. I hope that I understood what you said about that because it’s a big problem.
    This is a very important lesson for me to learn. Some days I’m “there” i.e.more balanced and some days I’m not…. I would certainly love to be more consistent.
    Over the past couple of years I’ve gotten a lot of help from you and others and if I were to evaluate my progress I feel that I can honestly say that I am better than I was two or three years ago and that’s positive. 🙌🙌 I think it’s OK to tell ourselves every once in a while that we are better than we used to be and I don’t think that’s selfish or self absorbed.
    The hard part is getting over this feeling of victimization even though I was a victim of predators and verbally and physically abusive people in my life. You are so right that my only way to heal and escape from victimization is by doing the inner work. I think I’ve said enough for now. Thank you so much and I really meant it when I said that I loved the video and love this transcription. Thanks for everything, Melanie! Lots of love! ❤️🦋❤️

  2. Thank you Melanie for all of your helpful articles. I’m recovering after 2 years of abuse via what I have learned from you. It got so bad here I filed a restraining order 2 months ago that I hope to make permanent. The Narc is a neighbor I had a terrible affair with and because of your blog, I now understand why he still harrassing me.
    His repeated history with me is 2 months of ignoring me and then hoovering me which I fell for many times. And you are correct, the punishment just gets worse and worse. Shocking in fact!
    He is at that point again and has violated the order twice in the past week so am waiting on the DA to hopefully issue an arrest warrant. It’s like he is going to explode if he can’t bother me. I’m a bit worried about his reaction if he gets arrested and out on bail but not so much that I’m going to hide. I just make it known to others he is bothering me and feel I have support from neighbors.

    At the same time, I am taking a vocal class, ballet, volunteering, and a Spanish class. I am having a blast!

    He has no inner life and it makes him crazy that I am so happy away from him. He always felt he owned me and my parking space and had no need for my or anyone’s boundries. 3am last night blasted me awake while driving by and I simply rolled over and went back to sleep and then called the police in the morning. I don’t care if he learns from his mistakes or feels remorse.
    I just want him to stay away from me.

    Funny but I’m not even sad about selling my place and moving to where I would rather be. I look at him as the catalyst that got me going to a much better life. He is a pathetic sad man in a good looking package that in the end is just an empty box. Thanks again, Melanie for all of your good work!

    1. Lori,

      The abuse sounds terrible and I am sorry that you are going through all of that. I am going through a similar situation and I do agree that it is hard to get a narcissist out of your life, but not impossible. I wish you the best of luck and encourage you that you will make it out and thrive!

      1. Thanks Molly! Sorry you are going through the same thing. Tenacity is needed believe me I’m having a real battle here with being believed by the police and am pressuring the DA to act. They seem to treat this guy as a mere Bad Boy instead of the dangerous sociopath he truly is. I’m going to keep pushing to keep him away and hope you can keep your strength up too! Xxoo

  3. Melanie
    Thank you for sharing your wisdom and experiences.you’ve helped me in so many ways.
    I can’t help but think how all this relates to the global concerns of today and what I read and hear about Australia specifically. What are your thoughts around Narcissism in our governance today?

  4. Another wake up call to take the healing journey. I have had abuse throughout my life on a micro and macro level a lot of poorly made choices from trauma which always bring more pain in life. Is it a consequence when shutting out the bad we shut down the good too because I have found it a deep pattern of my family of origin we have moved over 17 times and I am in my 40s now. Things always went wrong be it moving to a worse place to burglary and theft and having things of value abused by disordered individuals. Victim pattern I suspect?

  5. Thank you Melanie!
    This blog just stopped me from making a trip to the narcissist to drop off some items and confront him about new lies I found out about.
    Instead I’m focusing on taking the arrow out of my heart!
    Pema is still with us at age 85!
    Great quote!
    ♥️

  6. Hi,

    It finally dawned on me that narcissists might be replacing (in their minds) original personal relationships with social hierarchies, in a way similar to replacing a genuine personality/self with a superficial “character” as you have described it. That point of view provides a possible explanation for why they don’t consider changing; maybe to them the whole meaning of life is about getting out on top of every hierarchy. Whether it happens this way or that way makes no difference.

    I’m just reflecting on things. To me words and descriptions matter a lot; I say to myself (my inner little being): “It’s you and me now,” and it makes me settle (emotionally) for some reason.

    Thank you for the blog postings, they really help.

  7. Hi Melanie:
    Yes! I am in victimn mode, but at least now I have a “map” to follow for a new road. Recovery will be long and difficult. I started with NARP> My eyes remain red from the releases. I know there will be more.
    I also have ties with the Narcissist that need to be severed. That is not simple.
    I have a court case with another Narcissist. That will be very difficult because these people are very convincing to authorities. But they make mistakes, and I have caught them in lies. Wish me luck in finding court evidence.
    Blessings,

    Chris Petersen

  8. Thank you for this video …. It explains why I behave the way I do. And more importantly, what I need to do to heal myself forever. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
    Ter

  9. I am long past trying to understand his behaviours and actions and realize that this is the truth that has happened in my past. I got free, many miles away, five years ago. I have suffered with the trauma of abuse but have lived on my own many years now.
    My struggle is the continued emotional feelings I have for my abuser. It becomes a viscous cycle each time I get stuck emotionally where logic must bring the reality of the abusive experiences.
    I truly want happiness and to be healthy.

  10. So is there any hope at all for the narcissist to see what they’ve done and to change or are we all just wasting our time thinking there is something out there that will heal that which can’t be healed?

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