Hiding Behind Victimisation And Blaming Instead Of Taking Responsibility

Narcissistic abuse is devastating, and it desecrates every level of your life – mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially.

It’s understandable to feel victimised and that the perpetrator of this abuse is to blame for what you’ve been through. I get that because I’ve been there too!

But to be brutally honest, that won’t get you anywhere. Rather, it will keep you stuck in a powerless and painful state for a long time.

Staying in victim mode only hurts you and focusing blame on others only keeps your focus off of yourself – the only person you can truly change.

In this wonderful Thriver community, we know there’s another way to approach this.  We know there is a powerful stance we can take to move our lives forward and away from the Soul devastation the narcissist inflicted upon us.

Join me in today’s Thriver TV episode so I can share with you the path to recovery … the empowered way to leaving all this abuse behind you.

 

Video Transcript

This video is going to be essential for you to understand some deep things that are going to help you, especially if you feel really victimized by what happened to you. This is a controversial video.

There are many of you out there who may not agree with me, and I could even be accused of victim blaming. But that doesn’t matter, because my mission is not about being popular, it’s about helping you heal for real.

 

Validating You

I’m going to start off by validating you definitely, because absolutely what you have been through is terrible. Narcissistic abuse is devastating and it desecrates every level of your life – mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially.

It impacts everything and everyone you love and you suffer terrible losses. Things like property and everything you’ve worked for, and maybe even contact with your children, if you’ve suffered that loss as well, it’s horrific.

Of course you wonder how you’re ever going to recover. What is worse is the Soul devastation. It’s like nothing else. Unless you’ve been through it, you can’t even imagine it. You feel like you’ve suffered a literal Soul rape. That’s how impactful narcissistic abuse is, whereby the anxiety and the depression and the lifelessness inside of you can feel truly overwhelming. It feels like a black ink coursing through your veins, a terrible psychic virus that has overtaken you. That’s the truth.

 

Fast Forward To The Thriver View

Now I just want to fast-forward you into the Thriver view because right now I want to give you hope. This is the hope – there are countless people I know, including myself, who have made full recoveries after being in those bowels of hell.

This is not just where you become a survivor, but a true Thriver, meaning that your life is better and more extended now than it was even before abuse, or even if abuse is all that you’ve ever known.

What’s really important today is I’m going to explain the one principle that allows this to happen so that this can become possible for you as well. I’m going to get to that really soon, that one principle, but before I do, I want to explain to you the limitations of victimization.

 

Explaining Victimization

So let me explain what victimization is. I’m going to start off with an example.

I want you to imagine if I said this to you, “Because of your behaviour, my life is ruined and I’m going to hate you. I’m going to hold you responsible and I’m going to try to force you to fix what you’ve done. I’m going to try to hold you accountable to that.”

What if you were too disordered and damaged to be able to fix anything? What if you didn’t want to fix it for me? What if you were actually getting satisfaction as a result of me hurting this much, and it made you feel even more significant?

If that’s the case, I’ve just handed my power away to you. I am now a victim of what you did to me and I forfeited my own ability to heal and create my own life. I’m now in a traumatized limbo and I’m taking the emotional poison of victimization every day, hating you and what you did to me and trying to get you to pay for it or fix it.

This poison that I’m taking every day is akin to me being poisoned, hoping you’re going to drop dead, which you’re not. And I’m unable to create anything new or different in my life until I let go of this need to change you, or to try to hold you accountable.

Now, I’m not saying what you’re feeling is wrong. It’s not about it being wrong or right. We’re talking about what does or doesn’t work in relation to where you want to go, which is where we all want to go – to freedom and healing and a great healthy life.

So that’s the victim model where healing is actually impossible. Now let’s have a look at radical personal responsibility, and I’m going to explain it to you.

 

Radical Personal Responsibility

What radical personal responsibility is, is this … if the trauma is in my body as an adult, only I can take responsibility to heal it. Now let’s get really clear, taking responsibility to heal yourself does not mean taking the blame for what happened to you.

That’s what people say, “You’re victim blaming and shaming.” It’s not. Taking responsibility to heal is not about blaming yourself. Taking responsibility for your devastated and traumatized Inner Being means turning inwards to tend to it. As humans, our attention can only be on one thing at a time. If you’re focused on the narcissist, and what happened to you and that’s where your focus is, you can’t turn inwards to attend to healing yourself.

It would be like being hit by a car and chasing after the driver, rather than going to hospital because you’re internally bleeding and it’s threatening your life. Pema Chödrön who’s a genius, had this incredible example about when somebody hits you with an arrow and you scream at them instead of pulling the arrow out.

So at the start of your healing journey, it’s important to understand the phenomenon of narcissism. It’s crazy. And it’s not a human model. It’s an understanding that this is an individual who’s an empty no-self. They’re siphoning people’s energy and Life Force and resources out like a vampire, by triggering them into handing over narcissistic supply.

It’s important to understand that, because it bends your brain until you realize there are people that are like this and realizing it is somebody you can’t have a healthy, safe relationship with. They don’t want love and kindness and togetherness and teamwork and solution building – they don’t want those things.

But after that, it is vital to turn within, to heal that internal trauma, that bleeding inside. Now, as children, we were powerless to do this, but as adults we’re not.

Radical personal responsibility means rather than me focusing on you – until you’re held accountable or you fix it or change it, I’m a victim to what you’ve done to me – instead, in radical personal responsibility, I’m going to turn inwards to heal myself beyond this, regardless of what you are going to do or not do.

Not with self-blame and judgment like, “This was my fault.” Rather, with the loving, super presence to free myself of the pain that I’ve experienced from you.

When we do this the right way, the Quantum way, which is the way I love to do it, it’s not done with rumination and regurgitation of what happened over and over and over and over again, just submitting yourself further into the victim story. It’s actually done by going deeper. It’s done with healing and development at an energetic, emotional, somatic, body, inner, subconscious level so that we can midwife our own emotional graduation beyond the pain. It’s a process of going through what we need to in order to get out the other side of it.

Just as if you were hit by a car and you’re bleeding internally, and you need a physical surgery, your internal wounds require energetic emotional surgery. This was a huge shift for me personally. I was like so many of us, understandably, I was righteous. I believed that bad people should be held to account. I completely utterly believed that I was a victim of his behaviour and that this was nothing to do with my Inner Being requiring attention and work.

In this place, I stayed bleeding internally with my life crumbling around me until the pain, the depression, the anxiety, and the narcissistic abuse symptoms were so severe that I had a complete breakdown where I nearly died.

It wasn’t until I turned inward with full, radical personal responsibility to heal the trauma within that I started to heal. As the journey continued, I began to truly Thrive in better and more incredible ways than I ever had in my entire life, even before abuse and more than I even imagined was possible.

This happened because my focus changed from, “I’m going to try to change what you did in order to change me,” which was really fruitless and powerless to, “I’m going to heal and change me,” which very quickly granted me relief and progress.

That was even despite being told by the medical profession that because I’d suffered a breakdown so severe at an adrenal and a cognitive level, I was told I would never actually heal from that breakdown, and I would need anti-psychotics for the rest of my life to function and so on and so forth. None of that was true.

So on this beautiful inner, poignant journey of self, I discovered, and I was able to reverse many things about myself. Such as the reasons why I was continuing to return to a man over and over, who was abusing me. Why, when I was threatened with being abandoned, that I would keep handing away more and more of my rights and why I would cling and I would hang and do anything to not be abandoned.

I kept trying to lecture, and prescribe and fix the person who was not honest, caring or safe, instead of being honest with, pulling away, and taking care of me. At first, this was a challenge.

Initially, I took the step of knowing that if I kept focusing on him and what he’d done to me, that I wasn’t going to get better and I didn’t. It created my breakdown. When I turned inwards, I had to shift away from the belief that tending to my inner broken being meant that I was blaming myself, like it was somehow my fault and that somehow I was defective. Yet the truth at this point was, absolutely, I was broken and barely functioning.

I did need to heal because life could no longer go on as normal until I did. I was so fortunate in my journey to discover ways to work directly on my Inner Being, where I could find, load up, release and reverse the beliefs and the painful dense traumas. The reasons and the original wounds that had actually been causing me to struggle my whole life with boundaries and being able to say no. And the reasons, the deep inner reasons, of why I hadn’t been able to pull away from abusive others.

What I found on this journey was that I did have internal traumas and false beliefs regarding the beliefs that I needed to try and keep other people happy and hand away my power and forfeit my own rights and values to try to get love, approval, security, and survival outside of myself.

There were many inner parts of me that were a broken child that hadn’t yet grown up into my own power and my own truths and the ability to lay boundaries. I had taken on other people’s traumas and behaviors that I’d absorbed as a child, and they’d come from my genetic makeup. The women in my family had definitely played out these patterns and there were lots of deeper reasons as to why this had been my life.

Now, getting back to the whole victim blaming, shaming thing, none of these things, none of these internal traumas had been my fault. Rather, they’d been a part of my human experience. These were things trapped inside of me that had been deeply unconscious until narcissistic abuse or until life, could no longer go on with these internal traumas. As a result of turning inwards and taking that full, radical, personal responsibility and taking my focus off him and instead meeting, releasing and reprogramming these previous parts of myself, I was able to go free from them.

This would have been impossible unless I’d turned inwards with the dedication and devotion to myself to heal. I couldn’t have healed these things without taking radical personal responsibility.

 

In Conclusion

I really hope that this video has spoken to you. I know none of you like being stuck in the victim model, it is so horrifically painful to be there and healing is impossible from there. So I really want to invite you to explore your ability to turn inwards and heal from this.

As always, I would love to recommend to you NARP, which is my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, which is a signature program in this community that helps shift people out of their wounds and their traumas and, of course, the very normal victimization, to be able to deeply heal on the inside and transform yourself beyond those connections and those ties and that regret and the resentment and the hurt, into your true freedom regardless of what the narcissist is or isn’t doing.

So check out the link that goes with this video and in the show notes. And I really hope that this has given you hope.

I look forward to your comments and your questions. Remember to share and like this video.