I think you know how BAD the rumination is …
The going over and over and over the same painful thoughts … ad nauseam … until you feel like you are going crazy.
Why can’t you get to a place of stopping your obsessing over the same material?
Why can’t you move on from it?
Today I want to talk to you about what these painful feelings really are, as well as how to stop the painful thoughts forever … Yes! I mean forever!
Painful Rumination – The Curse Of Narcissistic Abuse
Please know that you are not going crazy and that you are not alone. Painful rumination is synonymous with narcissistic abuse, and there doesn’t seem to be a time limit to it. The expression “time heals all wounds” does not apply to narcissistic abuse. These continually looping thoughts don’t mean that you are defective or unable to heal, even if you have still been ruminating over what happened to you for decades.
In my experience in dealing with my own previous chronic rumination, as well as that from countless others (everyone I have helped heal from narcissist abuse) the common thread is the continual thoughts about the disgusting things that the narcissist did to them. As well as the, “what if I did something different to fix this” or, “is this person thinking of me, missing me and feeling remorseful for what they did to me”.
It’s also about the good times that they miss with this person, what this person is up to, the devastation over being replaced, or whether or not the relationship with the new person is working out.
The terrible thing about continual ruminating thoughts is that they suck your energy dry, whereby you may feel it nearly impossible to operate in your everyday life. It literally robs you of your Life Force.
Let’s have a deeper look at the absolute truth of rumination – it’s actually a physiological problem NOT a psychological one.
Let me explain.
How Rumination Relates To Your Inner Identity
You, like myself, will have been shocked at how you could not “think” your way out of your painful obsessive thoughts. It usually doesn’t matter how much logical research, talking, therapy or suggestions or even answers you receive, none of it seems to stick, you keep returning to the same unresolved painful thoughts.
The reason for this is because what is generating the ongoing rumination is not happening at the level of the mind. It has do with the trauma wedged inside your Inner Being that is literally going on at a cellular level within your body.
The emotional somatic network has its own consciousness, it is what you “feel”. Another name for this internal force is your “subconscious”. This level of experience is so much more powerful than mere “thoughts” as it relates to your literal identity. It is who you are “being” rather than just what you are attempting to “think”. Neuroscientists know that whatever you have embodied as your emotional belief systems (feelings on any particular topic) is what is responsible for 90% or more of your life by the time you are 30 years of age.
These are powerful forces. If you have had devastating interpersonal relationships that equate to experiences such as “love equals abuse, invalidation, rejection, abandonment, betrayal, being replaced or annihilated (or whatever it is that has been painful)” this is felt as a literal Soul rape.
These feelings of pain and fear threaten the very fabric of your human requirements for love, approval, security and survival. This causes you to deeply feel that you are a victim, that you are unsafe, unlovable and all alone.
When you feel “separated from yourself” it includes feeling separated from your Higher Self. When traumatised you do not have feelings of solidness, calm and peace. You don’t have the inner knowing that you are divinely loved, approved of and taken care of by God / Source / Life. It is from this state of emotional separation that you feel broken, alone and unsupported, and try to find the solution to the pain from outside of yourself.
This is done by “thinking” activities – trying to re-think the painful event to get to a different conclusion, or seeking outside counsel to try to gain a different perspective that will give you peace. Or by researching narcissists, or investigating matters, such as looking up the narcissist on social media accounts to try to fact-find some information hoping that it will bring you something, anything to get some answers that will lead to closure and relief.
Yet, it doesn’t work.
Then you feel like you are failing in your recovery.
The problem is that your Inner Identity is not changed by “thinking”. Your Inner Identity is your feelings – it is your beingness. The only way to change your beingness is by creating a shift on the inside.
I really want you to understand that your thinking follows your feelings.
What does this mean?
It means that you can only “think” within the range of what you are “feeling”.
Let me give you a really simple example. Let’s say something in your house needs fixing and you are angry and agitated. You can’t think of a positive solution to the issue. No matter what you try to “do” to get resolution to the issue, it doesn’t work. Yet, when you settle down and come back to peace within yourself, then the solution “appears”.
That is because your beingness shifted and then “the answer” and the solution came.
Here is the deal with internal unhealed trauma, everything that you seek outside of you is going to match the pain of the inner trauma.
Here are clear examples – usually the people you talk to don’t help, or may even seem cruel and dismissive, the research you do doesn’t bring relief, and the investigation you do only brings you more painful news.
If you do access something that could help you, you will miss it. You won’t “hear” it or “see” it, or you will not be able to apply it, or even if you do experience some temporary answers or relief, you will once again default back to thinking thoughts that match the unhealed internal trauma.
Please know that your brain is working ONLY within the bandwidth of your internal beingness.
In order for you to get out of your pain, your consciousness (internal beingness) needs to shift to a healthier level FIRST.
You may be able to identify this in your previous life … you know, within your own personal journey, when certain things didn’t resonate until you reached a certain level of growth. The truth is this – you were chopped off from information that matched that level, until you reached that level of consciousness.
The great news is you don’t have to learn higher consciousness. You already ARE higher consciousness, you can learn how to connect to it, not only to get out of the rumination, but to release yourself from the internal trauma that was generating it.
Resetting Your Consciousness To Heal Your Rumination
The very first thing to understand about “coming home to yourself” is that the answers, peace and closure are never going to come from outside of yourself.
This is completely counter-intuitive to what you have previously believed, and it isn’t until you start living life “from the inside out” as your newfound lifestyle that you know that you have been completely mislead by being taught, “life is from the outside in”.
This has cut you off from your own infinite power – the power to be the higher consciousness that you already are, unless you are disconnected from yourself.
What is the state of your higher consciousness?
It is feelings of peace, calm, inner solidness – the not knowing the answers to bring relief but just being relief. It’s a feeling of knowing that everything is in perfect order regardless of what the outside situations seem like. It is a knowing that you are loved, approved of and that your security and survival is ensured even if outer circumstances appear to be the exact opposite.
This is the shift from victimised powerlessness (I need something outside of me to grant me myself) to becoming empowered powerfulness (I am being me and then the outside will shift to reflect more of me).
This is the returning to your True Essence, known as your True Self.
This is the knowing that you are a child of God / Source / Higher Consciousness; that you are literally a piece of this force and that there is no separation.
This may seem really “lofty”, but I promise you this is your natural state when not living with the effects of your internal trauma.
Turning Toward Instead Of Pulling Away
Before understanding this on a deeper level, you may believe that the solution is to disconnect from your trauma, try to escape it and limit it by distracting yourself from it, so that your brain is not going to jump in with “stinking thinking” trying to manage it.
Yes, that is what you have been trained to do, but it’s actually the exact opposite of what works. If you ignore your trauma and try to self-medicate it away by turning away from it, the chances are you will pick up methods of SELF-avoidance (whatever is going on in your inner being is YOU) that will match the real state of your present self. Meaning painful.
Common ways of trying to numb out internal trauma are things like eating junk food, drinking, smoking, taking drugs, having sex with unhealthy people, gambling, shopping, excessive TV or social media, oversleeping, overworking … and the list goes on and on.
These self-avoidance tactics generally create further destruction and trauma to your Inner Being. But be very clear, even less benign ways of self-abandonment are also deeply damaging. One of the most common tactics is continually researching narcissists.
To help you understand why this isn’t helping you I want you to imagine yourself crossing the road with someone you loved and they got hit by a car. If you ran after the car and ignored them lying there bleeding on the road, and didn’t go their aid they could die. Likewise, if you are looking outside and not attending to “in there” you are never healing where the real issue is. The longer you “go missing” the sicker you will get.
There is only one sane and true solution to heal, which is to turn inwards with love, compassion and dedication to heal yourself back to wholeness.
There are many differing theories about what that means! I was told by the medical community that my nervous system and brain disorders were unhealable. It was NOT true! I know true healing came from resetting myself back to my True Essence – reconnecting back to Source and letting Source flow through me as me.
Initially this was impossible when I was filled with the traumas that had been my human experience to the point of my narcissistic abuse breakdown – the false beliefs, fractures and the wounds that had caused me to be traumatised and separated from the peace and solidness of who I was really born to be.
I was so fortunate to “crack” the way to do this – to turn inwards with love and devotion and the absolute determination of a mother bear turning towards her cubs with fierce protectiveness. I did the inner work to face and hold my internal trauma and let it go, that’s what created the space for Source to enter.
Then I discovered that my feelings shifted – away from depression, anxiety, panic, helplessness and hopelessness – like my Life Force had been hijacked by some dark force. As space opened up inside me, the pain melted away and hope, positivity, and healing started to enter. The bad thoughts melted away – they faded into the background, because my beingness had elevated beyond that lower victimised vibrational reality that I had been previously trapped in.
I really want you to know that this process is not difficult. It is not logically complex or anything that you need to “work out” rather, you need to “work out” the internal trauma and “bring in” the Light that is the True Essence of you – to make room for Source to fill your Inner Being with that force.
None of this is “logical”, this is somatic, energetic, internal work.
In Conclusion
I hope that this article has helped explain what you are going through, why you are going through it and has granted you some hope that you can move beyond the painful rumination – the literal prison that you may feel trapped in.
I am passionate about showing individuals, just like you, who have been suffering for days, weeks, years or even decades of rumination to start getting fast relief – rather than fruitlessly and endlessly trying to think your way out of it.
You may have heard of my Quantum Healing Program – The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP). It is the signature program within my community which has created thousands of unprecedented Thriver Healings for people from over 130 different countries.
It delivers exactly the results I have shared with you today, as well as repairing the damage from narcissistic abuse and painful relationships at all levels – mental, emotional, physical, spiritual and financial.
This is regardless of how long the abuse has gone on for, how many years ago it was, or even if abuse is all you have ever known.
Please know there is more than hope that you can heal.
Did this article speak to you? Has it helped you realise what you are REALLY going through? Do you now understand why it has been so hard to try to think your way out of your trauma?
I would love to hear from you!
A popular “school of thought” says that thoughts create your emotions, but your emotions actually create your thoughts. So it’s not about “mind over matter” or willpower, but you have to address your issues to resolve your emotions.
Mmmmmh .
Easier SAID than done
To Joycelyn
How do you ” correct” your issues to create your emotions ?
Hi Fay,
I would love you to come into my free webinar to understand more about this!
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
This explains all of this in depth.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I just wish I knew what was real. I loved her so completley, thinking back in all the things that could have been lies all the promises for a future.. I can’t keep doing this. How do I heal when it feels like drowning eveytime I think about how she hurt me?
Hi KL,
you heal – by healing …
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
NARP is how.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
My takeaway is that in order to heal a person must put make it a priority to put their self first, be true to yourself, do things that bring enjoyment, eat healthy, exercise, enjoy the outdoors, nature. Love yourself and the ugliness of the past will not dominate your thoughts.
One can go within,but the struggle is still there,
One is not a robot.
This article came at the time I needed it the most. Thank you, Melanie! I am a NARP member and I’ve been diligent with the modules, however lately, not so much. Mel says the times we need to do the inner work the most is when we do it the least. So true! I’m going to put me first again and get back to doing the modules and inner work. You’re a life saver, Mel! Thank you!!! 💙
It’s my pleasure Nicole,
Bless you!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Just want to say thank you! I am a NARP member and am starting to feel fantastic and real as a result of shifting traumas that plagued me even before the 10 year relationship with the narcissist. I would love to learn this as you have to help others heal.
I was discarded in April of this year and literally lost myself in that relationship. I found you in July and am able to see the relationship as a blessing. I have been able to talk to my body and find crap to shift that I never knew existed. I feel lighter and more aware than I ever have. Thank you! When I catch myself ruminating I ask myself what it’s REALLY about then shift it out. It’s amazing. With ❤
Hi Brandi,
so great that you use this process!
It really does change everything.
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I hated my narcissist ex wife so much I couldn’t sleep well. This hatred was making me ill and actually putting my life in danger. But I couldn’t shake it. For several years I would treat and retreat and treat again the hatred. It would go away for a few days and then I’d find myself ruminating hatred all over again.
But then I figured out that hatred wasn’t the problem, it is only a symptom of something I could not admit to myself. That I was terrified of my narcissist ex.
Once I started treating the fear and terror the hatred started cooling off to where today I no longer hate her. I don’t love her or have pity for her, I’m just neutral. If she gets rich or lives on the streets, it makes no difference to me.
For a time after discard,i felt great because i was free from that crazy stuff,free to live a life,then when i found stalking ,flying monkeys etc,time does by !.
Now its like ,are you ever free!!.?? Yes ! Sure learnt a lot about self,and realise Wow how great to Be free!!…..but the damage can be huge ,im not sure anyone can come to terms with ,” having it put over you” wasted years etc.
But im greatful for ,to be free ,scars are huge !
I did read your thrive Etc Mel ,thank you for that,i havent read it or examined it all. But have researched for 5 years ,or more,have found yours a great help Mel.
Without fucusing on the yuk side, i just believe its something one learns to live with.
I sure dont suffer fools lightly,and pick up on toxicity in a instant,almost…so thats something!!!…..almost in a minority!! Just as well i Love my own company❤️ Have very select few close friends. …its a life experience that has to be monitored wisely.
I’m currently experiencing narcissistic stalking. My next door neighbours son has stalked me for at least five years.
It amazes me how weak and willingly compliant ‘flying monkeys’ are, really, why would anyone do the sick bidding of those so obviously twisted?
I’m glad you’re ‘loving your own company’ I think narcissistics target those with a good, vibrant energy and healthy spirit. It’s difficult, yes, though ultimately, we are stronger.
exactly. you can “evolve” but if they keep stalking, flying monkey your life into a hole/corner, it isn’t like you CHOOSE to turn off from life, they just beat you into a hole. It doesnt end. <3
Like us all I have good days and bad days. I know the logic to my feelings but as you say, it is like an ingrained trauma. Deeper than the trauma that my ex inflicted on me. He told me I was “collateral damage” meaning that his behaviours and insecurities of lack and having to lie and cheat to procure money and sex meant he was never fully honest with me or others. His inner trauma seemed to get passed on to me and added an extra heavy layer that i never asked for. I am strong and can take it to an extent but the grief and weight of his abuse conflicts with my integrity and honesty. Why should I have to process his lack of morals?
My children are a constant reminder of the lack of nuclear family. A father abandoning children is not comprehensible to me but his father never knew him so I guess he can’t relate to having a father so can’t really give that to his own children even though his words were always “I’d never be like that”. Lies.
I didn’t mean to go off on a tangent but it pours out when I type….
Thank you Melanie, I understand logic doesn’t negate these feelings. Believing in my own depth and place in the universe helps. The truth has a plan and I have to relax into it. Keep on keeping on!
This article was so helpful..I have been in a marriage for 31 years!!!! And the narcissistic abuse has traumatized me and my 4 children. My hatred for my husband has gotten so bad. I am angry at him and myself for not being strong enough to get out with the kids years ago. Now my adult children are trying to work on the hurt. And I am finally starting to work on myself. But it is definitely getting worse before getting better because he is not happy that I am standing up to him and his abuse. I want to leave but have a very complicated situation. Believe it or not…I have also worked with this crazy individual in an office all these years. Leaving would mean loosing what I have professionally created. It is so complicated. But I am slowly starting to try to sort things out for myself. My final years will not be like the rest of my life was.
Hi Mel, you are spot on. I understood everything you have stated. I have reached the point whereby I do not want to ruminate anymore about the narc…. it is doing me no good. And it doesn’t change a thing….Yes, it is an inside job….the more I look outside myself for answers or just trying to let go, doesn’t work at all. An insight that has come up from inside myself is that I am afraid to be me. I am afraid to have an opinion, my own opinion…worry about how others see me…it goes on and on and it is all codependency. However, as you say I need to experience the trauma. I know my mother had a habit of cutting me off for whatever reason when I was so young….and the pain of that came up yesterday….I remember when she did start to talk to me the tears would come up……of relief. Thankyou for everything you have stated and thanks for taking the time…..it’s so helpful and validating. A BIG thankyou.
Hi Helena,
you are very welcome.
It’s so great that you understand the solution is healing from within.
Then you will go free!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Melanie,
Thank you for this transcription! I think doing the inner work of NARP is continuing to pay off more and more! the part today where are you referred to “higher consciousness” really resonated with me! I’ve been using an old phrase from the “old days” to help me through my problems with rumination or whatever issues are rising….
The phrase is very simple! I tell myself “Peter, please try to live in the state of grace”…. it is, in those moments when I am able to accomplish that, which is not easy, a blessed relief from nightmarish “stinking thinking” about the narcissist that has plagued me for many years. In those moments of purity it no longer matters what the narcissist does or says!
This may not be a phrase used in NARP but it has helped me….🙏🙏🙏
Thank you Melanie! ❤️🙏🦋❤️
The Christian expression for the inexplicable calm one has in spite of hardship and abuse is “the peace of God that passes all understanding.” This is a gift from God to those open to receiving it.
I love your share Charles!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Melanie:
Thank you for the many communication in many forms. I am on board, not healed, but tracking in a peaceful direction. Some of this is so hard! Is the ‘narcissism of my ex-wife’ factual? Did I teach her to do this to me from my childhood trauma? Is she acting out her own childhood trauma?
I am reaching inward to find these answers, and I know I alone can find my answers.
Thanks for your help!
Chris Peteraen
Hi Chris,
Everyone is acting out of their childhood trauma until they heal.
Narcs are doing “I will control you so I dont get hurt” and co-deps play out “I will try to grant you what you want so I dont get hurt.” The real question is who is going to turn inwards to heal in order to change – N’s won’t.
I hope that this helps.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Very helpful article. I have found that I have a strong work ethic and did try to look outside of myself for love and approval. I very much want that to change and I want to be the love and approval for myself. This probably sounds like a silly question, but how do we love ourselves? I have started gradually taking care of myself more and listening and tuning in to my emotions more. I feel like those are loving actions to myself but not sure if that is the same as loving myself. eeekk!! Maybe I am overthinking this, anyways, the article was great. Thanks again Melanie
Walk away is the only way