6 Ways Narcissists “Fact-find” to Expose Your Weaknesses

Narcissists are always on the lookout for a potential target’s weaknesses.

They are predators, so when you first meet them they will act really caring and focused on you. They will ask you things about your past and mine facts about you that can be useful to them.

It’s all about disguising themselves as really wonderful and lovely people so you trust them and believe their intentions are genuine.

All the while they are using this information to work you out.

So the question is, how do you reach the ultimate goal of never being susceptible to narcissists again? And, how do you make sure you don’t expose your weak points to the wrong people?

In today’s Thriver TV episode I will detail the six main ways narcissists seek to expose your weaknesses and how to counter them with remedies and solutions that will help you find the freedom and power you want in your life.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today’s topic is about the six ways that narcissists work out what your weaknesses are to hook you and take you in as narcissistic supply. It’s so important to know these so that you won’t be susceptible to narcissists in the future.

Many people will think – and they’ll even tell you – that this means being on the lookout for narcissists and knowing who they are. It’s not. Narcissists don’t walk into your life wearing a T-shirt that says, “Beware, I’m a narcissist.” In fact, it’s the exact opposite because they’re so good at disguising themselves as wonderful, lovely people.

You may be surprised that this video is not about spotting narcissists, it’s about changing and developing you. That’s a really good thing because then you’re going to be able to take your power back and work with the one person that you do have the power to work with … yourself … rather than trying to work out the other 8 billion people on the planet.

So let’s get going with looking at the six things that narcissists try to work out about you.

 

Number One – Are You Still Wounded?

The first thing that a narcissist looks out for is your hobble, your limp. These people are predators. They’re no different than a lion on the Serengeti searching for the injured gazelle at the edge of the pack. If you’re not healed up enough to not be vulnerable and are seeking a rescuer, then you could well be on the narcissist’s next snack list.

This is how it goes. A narcissist will act really caring and focused on you and they’re going to ask you things about your past. If you share with a narcissist about how somebody hurt you in the past and the narcissist senses that you’re still hurt and you’re wounded, this grants him or her the golden opportunity to look you intently in the eyes, mirror your body language and tell you what you want to hear. Such as, “I would never cheat on somebody. I’ve always been monogamous. I can’t understand how anybody could do that to somebody as beautiful as you.”

They’re going to act as the remedy to anything that you’ve suffered. You’re going to feel like, “Oh my God, this is the one I’ve always wanted. I’ll be safe with this person … finally.” Rather than realizing safety is up to you. Your safety is your responsibility. It’s not anybody else’s.

You can feel intense bonding if you feel like you’ve got a savior in your life. So that will mean that you let this person in very quickly. They trap you as narcissistic supply.

Then no matter what happens down the track, when they start becoming abusive, you don’t want to let them go because you’ve positioned them as the savior of your wounds. Even though they start to deliver more and more horrible abusive things in cruel ways that are so overt and so disgusting that you never thought you could end up so low, you may still hang on.

So that’s the first weakness, your wounds.

 

Number Two – Do You Have Scanty Boundaries?

A narcissist will push your boundaries, make suggestions or ask for things that you will feel are a little or a lot off. It could be for a loan of money. Or, you putting yourself out for them with something that they could easily do themselves. Or maybe really quickly, they want a key to your house or to meet your family or your kids too soon. Or maybe the sexual demands are outside your comfort zone. The list goes on and on and on.

Narcissists like to do this. They check for people who don’t speak up, lay boundaries and say no, because this means they can get in. They can get you to give up your energy, your attention and your resources without too much of a struggle.

By the time you do start resisting, you will be so trapped and enmeshed and gone that it’s going to be very hard for you to climb up and out of the narcissistic pit.

Here is a painful truth, but one we all need to get very clear about, a narcissist doesn’t want a real person in their life. Which means, you’re connected to your real self, you’re somebody who has self-worth, self-value and healthy boundaries. Because these people do – and I promise you will too when you heal this stuff – these people repel them very easily.

Narcissists want puppets. Those who don’t have a true developed self, who are going to do their bidding and who they can manipulate and can empty out. That was something I had to really understand about myself.

 

Number Three – Are You Attached To Other People’s Opinions?

This was so my gig as it has been for lots of us. If you’ve always been the person who tries to keep everybody happy and be everything for everyone, the narcissist realizes you are somebody who tries to earn love and approval.

This is beneficial in several ways to a narcissist because he or she knows that you’re going to be intently focused on what he or she thinks about you. You will keep trying harder to get the narcissist to approve of you and agree with you and know you are a good person.

Then the goalposts get moved and the hoops get higher – and this was so my story – I was so attached to him, what he was thinking of me and what I wanted him to think about me. I know a lot of you have done it too.

You can twist yourself into so many shapes to try to give the narcissist what he or she wants so that they will approve of you and like you and love you and agree that you’re a good person.

They know that when they start degrading you and abusing you, that you’re going to stay attached and you’re going to lecture and prescribe and grant copious amounts of A-grade narcissistic supply because they don’t care whether the attention is good or bad – it makes them feel significant.

You’re going to argue and you’re going to have justifications and explanations and try to get them to have a better opinion of you and they’re just siphoning out your energy because it’s all narcissistic supply. That’s the drama that the narcissist wants because it allows them to position you as the bad person. It allows them to dump their anger and insanity all over you.

This can continue and you not letting go and looking after and healing yourself will also continue because you feel like your identity is dependent on changing how the narcissist feels about you. Rather, you need to realize what is really important is what you feel about you, despite what anybody else is or isn’t doing or their opinion of you.

 

Number Four – Are You Hard On Yourself?

This was huge for me as well. If you are a high achiever who always likes to succeed and finds it difficult to lovingly self-partner and give yourself permission to rest and do nice nurturing things and be kind to yourself, the narcissist knows you’re already primed for an outer critic that matches your inner critic.

What this really means is the narcissist can demand more and more and more from you. As time goes on and you lose yourself in this toxic enmeshment with a narcissist, the insults, lack of compassion, tenderness and care is something that you will accept, even if it hurts you a lot, because this is actually mirroring how you talk to and treat yourself.

This was just a huge awareness for me when I realized that the way he was talking to me and treating me was actually how I was “conditionally loving” and not even liking myself.

It’s so true that we will never accept a level of love lower than the level of love we have for ourselves. If you are really hard on yourself and you have your to-do list and you check off so much of it and then you beat yourself up for the things that you didn’t get done, that’s pretty much what I’m talking about.

It means that you keep demanding more and more of yourself and you don’t tolerate any weakness, vulnerability or downtime, then you are a perfect match for a narcissist who will treat you really harshly.

So within, so without, it’s Quantum Law.

 

Number Five – Do You Take Responsibility For Others?

A narcissist will often establish that somebody likes to “do the right thing” and sort out troubles, including mopping up somebody else’s messes to make their own life work. A lot of us have done that. We jumped in and sorted out other people’s lives because we didn’t want the stress as a result of somebody else’s irresponsible actions.

If you are the type of person who steps in to fix things for people, such as bailing them out of trouble, taking care of their fines for them, making phone calls or paying bills for them or helping sort out their court cases or other issues then this delights a narcissist. It means that they can act like a narcissist, only caring about feeding their ego, their False Self, without the boring necessities of life that they often believe are beneath them.

Like this they can create all sorts of disasters and carnage, and you’re going to pick up all of the messy pieces for them, which gives them the foundation and the platform to have food on the table and a roof over their head and enough normality for them to be able to run amok.

 

Number Six – Are You A Righteous Martyr?

This is really so important to understand, because this was something I had to deeply understand about myself and my life as well.

Do you believe it’s virtuous to put other people’s needs in front of your own, even if this means self-sacrificing yourself? Do you hold dear that you’re an empath and you care deeply about the woes of others and you’re here to serve others to help them and that that’s your true identity?

Narcissists love this, because it means that they can empty you out of all of your energy, love and resources all the way to your demise. It means that you’re going to put up with all types of abuse and you can make excuses for inexcusable behavior and you’ll hang in there trying to love this disordered person to health, no matter how much it’s killing you. You will try over and over and over and over again to make the relationship work.

You can easily be pulled back in again to be used by the narcissist at any time that they wish to re-enlist you – even after they’ve left you, even after they’ve cheated on you, and even after they deeply betrayed you and maybe even stolen from you. These are extreme examples, but I promise you that is what personally happened to myself and I’ve seen it happen so many times.

 

In Conclusion

We know that a lot of these capacities or lack of capacities that we’ve had are because we’re really nice people, but we haven’t been nice and anchored and solid and whole within ourselves.

So let’s just retouch on these things.

First we had – Carrying Unresolved Relationship Wounds

They look for people that are unconsciously seeking saviors from outside of themselves.

The remedy for that is to turn inwards and heal these wounds to completion so that you’ve become your own healer and you’re solid within yourself, because then you don’t have a limp that the narcissist can capitalize on.

Second we had – Having Scanty Boundaries

The resolution to that is doing the inner work so that you know your rights and values and you’ll say no. Then you will consciously choose who is or isn’t a match for your truth and values.

The third one – Releasing The Fears Of What Other People Think About You

This is about deeply self-partnering and learning to love and accept yourself, regardless of specific people’s opinions.

The forth one – Letting Go

This is your remedy … letting go of your harsh self expectations and being hard on yourself, and instead, learning to be self-loving, kind and nurturing so that you will never again accept a level of love less than your level of love for yourself. Your important relationships are going to reflect that kindness and that care. You won’t accept anything else when you treat yourself that way.

The fifth one –Allowing Others To Learn Self-Responsibility

Rather than you jumping in and fixing everything for them you need to learn that the most important person you need to be responsible for is yourself. Then you’re going to connect with and participate with what is and who is healthy for you.

And, sixth – Caring More About Others Than Yourself

Knowing that in life, the first person you need to put the oxygen mask on and care for is you. Otherwise, you will not be authentic and genuine in your care for others anyway. You won’t be able to attract and maintain relationships with authentic and genuine caring people.

It is so not true that narcissists can hook in just anybody. I promise you, that’s not true. People who are self-partnered, self-aware, self-developing, and self-assured, solid in their own bodies and in their own self-love and acceptance are not targets for narcissists.

Narcissists are actually completely repelled by these people just as you will be repelled by the narcissist’s energy and behaviors when you’ve come home to a whole relationship within yourself.

Even when you’re working on it and that’s your focus, even if you haven’t perfected it, you will still find their energy and behavior off. It becomes totally unappealing because as soon as they try to charm and hook you in too fast and push a boundary, it’ll feel wrong. You will have the confidence and self-assuredness to ask questions, say no, risk pissing them off instead of yourself and back yourself. I promise you, this is the truth.

Before I go, I just want to put up a link to my free narcissist quiz. It’s in the show notes as well. This is going to help you establish very quickly what level of narcissistic abuse you’re suffering. It’s going to open your eyes and wake you up to see the truth. Then I follow up with a seven day series of free emails, to grant you resources for your specific situation to start taking your life, your health, your sanity and your power back. As well as start developing you in the ways that I’ve explained today.

The ultimate goal which you can totally reach is never being susceptible to narcissists again. Can you imagine how free you’re going to feel in life having that kind of power within you and behind you? I know you will.

I really hope that this has helped and please share this video with anybody who you know it could help.