Today is an AWESOME day, because I am going to share with you the 4 most powerful ways to flush out a narcissist before you get hooked.
I really, really … (did I say “really” enough) want you to know that it is NOT true that a narcissist can just hook in anyone.
I know a lot of people will tell you this is the case, but it certainly isn’t!
These same people will tell you that learning everything about narcissists is your only defence against them. Yet, if this is the truth then why don’t these so-called “expert researchers of narcissists” get free of narcissists?
My observation is that they just don’t (I also know because I used to be one of them) and even more so I would say that these people don’t go on to have free, exuberant, expanded Thriving lives.
Why not?
Because amongst trying to work out narcissists, they didn’t work out themselves – meaning heal, up-level or become empowered to become impervious to them.
Let’s look at exactly what that means by exploring the first way to flush out a narcissist before you get hooked.
Number 1 – Be Your Own Saviour
I want you to imagine this …
Catherine went through a terrible divorce after discovering her husband had been having an affair with his secretary for years. It’s now two years after he moved in with the much younger lover, and Catherine has only just started to feel remotely human again. She is out on a date.
Catherine is sitting across the table from George. He is charismatic and appears to be caring. It surprises Catherine that she is feeling pleasantly attracted to him.
When George asks her about her previous relationship, Catherine replies how much it hurt her and how painful it is that her children stay over with her husband and the younger woman.
George leans across the table holds Catherine’s hands in his, looks her straight in the eyes and says, “I can’t imagine how he could do that to you. I’ve never played up on anyone. I believe on working on a relationship before ever considering someone else. I’m so sorry this happened to you.”
Catherine’s eyes and Soul light up. She thinks, “This is the man I’ve been waiting for. I can be safe with him.”
Six months later Catherine finds herself enmeshed in the worst relationship of her life. Not only was George just as adulterous as her ex, he was also verbally vicious and mentally torturous.
Yes, George was a pathological high-level narcissist.
(Ouch!)
Okay … Let’s now look at Min. Her husband was having an affair behind her back with her best friend. When Min discovered this and he left, she thought she was going to die because the pain of the double-betrayal was so horrific.
Min, fortunately found my Thriver Recovery work, started working with NARP (The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program) and got to work on meeting and healing her inner wounds. She released tons of trauma to do with her childhood, her mother’s limiting beliefs about men, of course her husband’s and best friend’s betrayal and the reasons why she had been shrinking, handing power away and not been able to value and honour herself in her relationships.
Eighteen months later Min started dating. She was having a ball! Truly Thriving, she was in no rush to meet Mr. Right and knew she was learning, growing and exercising her boundary and self-awareness muscles whilst going out on dates.
Min found herself on a date with Greg. He was charming, seemed intently interested in her and asked about her previous relationship.
She factually stated what had happened (yet it felt like she was talking about someone else now because all the triggers and inner wounds were gone), and then said, “I am so grateful this happened. Because I finally turned inwards to work on me. I am the most solid, confident and true to myself that I ever have been. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I know who I am, I love my life and I am so content to wait till I meet someone who matches my values.”
Greg looked at her. He seemed to be doing a double-take. He blinked, looked down at his plate and looked back up and stammered, “I love personal development too. I have worked on myself as well.”
Min asked, “What have you studied, done or read?”
Greg awkwardly answered, “Oh it’s been a while. Many things …”
The date didn’t last much longer and Greg was not in any hurry to pursue Min any further.
Why not? Because he was doing what all narcissists do – looking for what is “missing”, “hurting” or “craved” and pretending to be these things.
Min was far too WHOLE for him to infiltrate. He could not pretend to save her in order to hook her, she had already saved herself!
He knew it and she knew it. Min was so excited walking to the car KNOWING exactly what had just played out. Great people love whole people. Narcissists don’t, they go for the wounded gazelle at the edge of the pack – empty, lonely and vulnerable – because then they can hook them in and start feeding off them – and they are powerless to leave.
What a graduation! Min’s dates got better and better!
Number Two – Grow And Hold Your Power
You really need to GET this … As an adult if you are too easily led, too busy, lazy, daunted, inept or “childish” to step up for yourself, then you run a BIG risk of some opportunistic charlatan stepping in to take you and your life over.
Let me explain with this story.
Bill was a brilliant computer whiz. He could fix ANYONE’S computer.
Everyone loved Bill, he was popular, funny and soooo good with computers. He rented a little shop and pretty soon had more customers than he could handle. The money was pouring in!
Bill’s issue was this – he hated bookkeeping, money management and business procedures. So, Bill posted an ad and Jenny turned up for an interview. She was intelligent and articulate and sold to him her experience, expertise and credentials.
Bill couldn’t quite put his finger on it but something about Jenny felt a little weird. Yet he needed someone quickly, so he brought her on to work with him.
Soon after Jenny suggested access to accounts and banking so that she could manage everything for him whilst he started hiring more staff for his growing business.
Three weeks later Jenny disappeared with all of Bill’s business nest egg. He discovered later Jenny wasn’t her real name and she was a professional con artist.
Bill, who had taken out a second mortgage to get his business going, was financially devastated.
FAR out!
Now … let’s examine Max. He started a landscape business, paid for a wonderful website and won contracts with large building companies. His business was off to a powerful start.
As a hands-on guy, training a young team for big volume projects, Max did not have time to run the business side of things.
He talked to his accountant to get advice. His accountant suggested Max learn about the running of the business operation, and what would be necessary so that he could oversee it.
Max worked very hard after hours to familiarise himself with all he needed to learn and worked on improving his business and computer skills.
Max then went through respected agencies to get two office staff, wrote very tight and safe contracts with them, spent a great deal of time to train them the way he wished them to operate, had checks and balances in place, and retained control of all the accounts, with his accountant’s help.
Max’s efforts, diligence and desire to grow himself and learn, meant that his business flourished. It steadily built with healthy and safe foundations.
Touché!
Number Three – Expand From Scarcity Into Plenty
This way to flush out a narcissist before you are hooked, is SO to do with your belief in a Higher Power and your creative connection to this Higher Power.
(This is why I LOVE so much that NARP works directly with releasing every part of you that has been painfully programmed or believes in limitations of self and life, and re-programs this with Source/Your Higher Limitless Power).
When you know “there is more than this to come”, you don’t have to accept the “crumbs” of life anymore.
If working on your wholeness, and the alignment with YOUR truth – knowing “what you accept is what you will get”, and that Source/God/Your Higher Power will flourish and nourish you if you “are” what you “seek”, then you CAN “be” it, and it “comes”.
(The true meaning of be-come.)
Let’s check out these following two examples …
Cindy had moved states to get away from her narcissistic family. She didn’t know anyone and felt terribly lonely and depressed.
One day at the local store Cindy met Jeanine. Jeanine took a shine to her, they got chatting and went for coffee.
Cindy couldn’t get a word in edgeways. Jeanine would cut her off, and bring every conversation back to talk all about her own life.
Cindy felt her Life Force drain out of her, but she mused, “I don’t know anyone here, I really don’t have any other friend options right now. This is better than nothing. Plus she is very funny!”
They started meeting and getting together a lot, and became besties.
Jeanine usually expected Cindy to pay for whatever they got up to, used her as an emotional dump master whenever it suited her and was nowhere to be seen or found when Cindy wanted some connection or support from her.
Eventually when Cindy stood up to Jeanine’s horrible treatment, Jeanine smeared her to people in the town and turned many people against her. Cindy was traumatised and shell shocked and again moved away to escape yet another severe narcissistic abuse situation.
(See how these patterns keep coming?)
Then there was Marianne … She had moved to a new state, and was starting her life again. Marianne was working diligently on herself with NARP and loving waking up every morning, feeling the relief of peace, with sunlight streaming through her bedroom window.
She adored setting up a beautiful home with plants and decorations, was taking long healing walks in the woods, cooking herself delicious, nutritious meals and was settling into her new job that she had been transferred to.
Marianne was invited out socially with her staff members. That night felt really funky. They were too young and not her sort of people. Marianne had a little too much to drink, and the next morning woke up feeling emotionally wobbly.
“They are lovely to work with but not my thing socially,” she thought.
Marianne started investigating different groups that represented her interests, and took her time to get to know people who complemented her own character and values. Despite being in no rush, she effortlessly started creating new fulfilling friendship circles with good, solid people.
Number Four – Move From Fear Into Power
If you are still people pleasing and frightened to hurt someone’s feelings, then you are susceptible to narcissists. They push boundaries. They look for gaps. They exploit people for their own selfish agendas, without care or responsibility for the destruction that this creates.
Shane had just started dating Amanda when her car stopped working.
Amanda asked Shane to lend her some money so that she could buy a friend’s car. Shane wondered why she didn’t have any money, or why she couldn’t ask her family. But he didn’t want to pry into her personal business, so he gave her the money.
Amanda was having arguments with her flatmate, whom she insisted was unstable and scary. She asked if she could move in with Shane. It all felt far too soon, but again he didn’t want to hurt her feelings or risk possibly losing her, so he agreed to let her move in.
Money contributions were never discussed and Amanda never offered any.
Amanda was always in financial difficulties. Shane kept helping her out.
The story didn’t end well for Shane – Amanda sucked his resources dry, devastated him emotionally then ditched him for another guy.
Thank goodness Shane after his horrible experience with Amanda faced his inner wounds in regard to NOT speaking up and honouring himself. It was because of his narcissistic mother, who was always ill, unavailable, and demanding and nothing he could ever give her – including oodles of money to support her and her gambling issues – could earn her love.
Shane, as a result of working on himself with NARP, learned to trust his gut, have difficult conversations and lay boundaries. He went from being the guy that people would use and abuse to being a nice generous man with healthy boundaries, without guilt.
The next woman he met, after this inner work, was another woman expecting anything and everything on offer. This time Shane honoured how this felt “off”, spoke up and expressed what he was and wasn’t comfortable with. She took offence, got nasty and wasn’t at all gracious.
Shane was SO happy – because he knew he flushed her out, she exposed her true colours, and reacted because she couldn’t get what she wanted – narcissistic entitlement.
He stopped seeing her and dodged a bullet.
Not long after that Shane met a lovely lady with a heart as kind and generous as his, and fell in love and started to experience a true, non-narcissistic fulfilling relationship.
(I LOVE happy healing endings!)
In Conclusion
I hope that you deeply understand that the common denominator in all of this is YOU.
US.
OURSELVES.
This is the thing – narcissists don’t come into our life wearing t-shirts advertising “WARNING I am a narcissist.”
Rather they hide in plain sight, looking all shiny and nice, whilst sniffing out people’s unhealed parts, gaps, insecurities, and fragilities, and then PRETEND to be the ANSWER to these unhealed parts, gaps, insecurities and frailties.
Or … in some cases … if the narcissist is not particularly skilled at this we may even come up with some magical, romantic or unrealistic projection CONVINCING ourselves that they are the answer to our unhealed parts, gaps, insecurities or frailties.
Put your hand up if you ever did this!
Here is my heartfelt, honest confession …
I DID!!!
My gaps used to be many. I didn’t believe I was good enough – capable enough – strong enough … and I believed that THEY were!”
Thank goodness I don’t think this anymore. Thank goodness I now have all of this as my own SELF.
Thank goodness I can also help you get out of the ridiculous belief that researching and learning all about narcissists protects you from them.
I hope you now get how THAT does not heal and shore up the way they GET IN!
This is spoken to you by all the people who haven’t yet done deep and true inner work on themselves! (Because I can assure you if they had they wouldn’t even say it!)
Your true protection against a narcissist is to HEAL yourself. Then you have established wholeness and self-respect.
You won’t be needy and empty.
You won’t require a saviour and you won’t be reckless in trying to secure one.
You will be firmly in your body as a healing, developing adult trusting and empowering yourself and growing and claiming your True Life and True Self.
Then just as with the heroes and heroines in these stories – narcissists don’t stand a chance. They get flushed out SOOOOO easily!
I mentioned NARP several times in this article. The reason is because these stories are real. There are thousands of these stories in this community. New ones emerge every day, and I know that you could be the next Thriver success story.
I’d love you to check out NARP as my highest suggestion to become a SELF that will absolutely flush out a narcissist before you get hooked. This is exactly how myself and thousands of others in this community achieved this.
(Plus have the life of your dreams!)
And … as always, I look forward to your comments and questions below.
As usual, Melanie, you have touched on so many “truths” that keep us vulnerable to Narcissistic abuse. Thank you for honestly and fearlessly identifying the childish, lazy, inept behaviors that are often at the root cause of our pattern of abuse. I plead guilty to these and despite “knowing” better, in times of stress, weakness, looking for someone to “rescue” me and give the love, support, comfort that was withheld by Narcissistic parents. I’m turning 70 and I still return to my default setting. But I’m finally aware of my part in the victim/abuser dynamics.
Hi Shelia,
you are very welcome and thank you for having the humility and maturity to hear these messages that we all need!
Awareness is the first step to accept that some inner work will help – and I promise you it does – incredibly!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Melanie. Why does my narcissist want to do everything for me. I have told him I will leave him. Because of all his dating sites and local fxxk sites. I found all on his handsets. I even got into his emails and there it was. I can even see the girls he was talking to which are about 40 years younger than him. But he denies all. It’s in black and white but still said he was hacked. How can they lie when I seen it with my own eyes. In the past he has drugged me and tampered with my car. Stole my house keys and has got them copied. I know this because he put my keys on the ring in a different place. But still cannot do enough for me. Why is this and what should I do. I need help
Sheila, I am 63…& have forgiven myself for the string of horrible relationships I allowed (& continued to allow for decades, not believing I deserved any better). I acknowledge also the lack of understanding of the long-term negative effects of prolonged emotional abuse in my younger days (emotional abuse wasn’t even validated as such until I was turning 30, 25 years after mine started) which made it impossible to get the help I truly needed until 5 years ago, via trauma-informed therapy. I believe that without having changed mental-health providers to one who offered this, I wouldn’t have healed to the point I have now finally reached.
I’m no longer interested in having a love relationship with anyone other than myself going forward because I have almost 50 years of time to make up for what I wasted on deadbeat men (as well as some deadbeat friends) who I’m heartily tired of, having spent so much of my life taking care of everyone else but myself. I grew up as a universal scapegoat & started being parentified in my large family as the only girl at age 7 1/2, the process complete before I turned 10. As the 2nd-oldest & only girl of 9 until past 11 yrs old when my only sister [2nd-youngest] was born, all the childcare & housework fell to me & my mother alone, & I felt I was the only one expected to earn my keep. My NF made sure he got through my head that I was worthless simply for being a girl: nothing I did was satisfactory.
While I still have the physical & mental strength, I deserve this time to do the things I allowed myself to be derailed from accomplishing. I think what I plan for as my legacy will be enriched because it comes from a place of personal experience, & my target audience will relate to its authenticity: I’m currently developing online visual arts-as-healing workshops for abuse & trauma survivors. I think this is the best use of my talents, allowing me to be of service via my creativity (which is what keeps me replenished, being my primary form of self-expression). I look forward to this new phase of life & creative productivity.
Lack of awareness = no choice.
Hi Melanie! I was reminded after reading your email and this blog about an old Yiddish saying which I will translate into English. “We get old too soon and smart too late!” I kind of feel that after going through so many years of living with an abusive person. I do know at this time, I did not have my antennas up at all during the majority of the time I spent with her! However, at this point in my life, especially since joining NARP, I feel pretty confident that I can recognize a narcissist and I don’t think I will ever be ensnared or trapped by one again!
It was actually a little scary reading the different scenarios that you so well described but it was a good kind of scary, like, “keep your antenna up” and don’t let fear stand in your way!!!! At this point in my life I am petrified about ever having another relationship with a woman although part of me so so much craves companionship! I know that since working with NARP I’ve begun to understand that I have a true and real companion in my inner Child, little Peter, and that is sometimes satisfying but I do miss the human exchanges and interactions that are available to all of us as earth beings….
There were a lot of excellent guidelines and pointers that I was able to glean from this blog today about any ventures that may take place in the future and I thank you so much for that!
Looking back, not in a forlorn way but in a realistic way, I wish I knew about this stuff years ago because it would have certainly been easier……
Thank you for this today, Melanie, and thank you for everything else!
So much love to you Melanie.💞
Peter ❤️🦋🙏🕊❤️
Thank you for that posting …
I think it’s never too late to get smart. It happens when it’s meant to happen. I believe that we are here, in this life on earth, to learn. After the end of my last narcissistic relationship, I stopped looking for someone and focused on giving myself what I might have looked for in others. And I am finding it in me! I now continually surprise myself at what I am capable of manifesting for myself. It does get lonely but I at this time would rather be in a strong honest relationship with myself because I still have a ways to go with my NARP healing. I don’t yet trust myself in a relationship. There are many things I feel passionate about and I would one day like to meet a man who shares my feelings about these things. It does get lonely gazing up at a beautiful moon always by oneself.
Thank you Isadora!
It’s the trust and the fear…. I still don’t trust myself enough, although that is getting better, that I can forge ahead and not make mistakes and I, too often, fear that I will make the same relationship mistakes….. The fear so often negates some of the positive….
Being able to more recognize abusive people has been such an asset….That is getting better. It is lonely, however….
Hi Peter,
the real truth is that we all deep down “know” this, yet our inner traumas propel this!
It’s the healing within that is the biggest key – then there is no fear … just solid maturity, self-love and honesty.
No narcissist gets past that.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hello again Melanie.
Thank you for putting so much effort into this current message. Once again, from first hand experience, I can honestly state, the NARP program has put me in the constant victory catagory.
I actually had a women approach me this week, and within minutes her off-centre probes were repelled by the NARP shield of protection.Pushing to fast landed me into big trouble in pre-Narp days.
Now, it is the new normal to walk away, safe, secure and dignified with no regrets.
Also, I would like to add that I did a healing this week to release some stress from my shoulder..
This was related to covid 19 interactions. Once again the NARP program came through with flying colours.
Your the best Melanie
lots-a-luv
Warren
Hi Warren,
It is my pleasure.
So fabulous that you experienced the self-solid difference!
It’s inspirational seeing you fly Warren!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hello Melonie
You are a smart chickee Babe ,have been reading and listening to your videos for approx 2 years . You have done lots of inner work on yourself. Sharing your journey must be truely a huge blessing to you . You have enlightened me ,and many others,I’m sure
Keep up the good work my dear girl.Helping others is always a great reward .
I know you are not looking for the reward ,you just do this to heal even more n more.yourself and others. Just know a star shines brightly in your crown 👑 Lol Fay
Thank you Fay for your lovely words.
I do feel so blessed to have the job that I do!
Many blessings to you too
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I have MS and have found that people try to exploit the effects of the illness and my being a lone parent to try to use as a weakness when they can find no other way.
I do not make friends easily following multiple occasions of widespread narcissistic abuse locally including family and the local authorities and it is difficult to move away. Which is what I would like to do. Advice and help welcome. I have to either sell my place and buy elsewhere to move, and my disability gives me strict criteria as to what will work, or I need to make so much money that I am not reliant on local authorities and can afford to let my place and move without being dependent on anyone or any authorities.
Oh my goodness Victoria I’ve experienced the same thing .they prey when your most susceptible I’ve had fibromyalgia for 15yrs caused by 1 stalking +showing photos I didn’t consent to or know about I also find my condition has left me open to other people pretend helping/ preying on me but you’ve got a good community with this one lots of love from beth 💖💗💖
Oh my goodness Victoria I’ve experienced the same thing .they prey when your most susceptible I’ve had fibromyalgia for 15yrs caused by 1 stalking +showing photos I didn’t consent to or know about I also find my condition has left me open to other people pretend helping/ preying on me but you’ve got a good community with this one lots of love from beth x x x
This article is a POWERFUL tool. I saw in me some areas of growth where I identified with the Thriver persons in each vignette. In some points, I identified with the unhealed person, though with other points of growth and healing. I suppose I’m a work in progress. But this is all hopeful. Thank you for such clear illustrations of what nuances in relationships that we’re talking about.
Hi Camilla,
you are very welcome and I’m so pleased that this inspired you.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Yes, I put my hand up. How did you know? Why are they all so similar? Anyway, I never thought I was the wounded gazelle, but my husband sniffed it. I know now.
Dear Melanie,
Thanks for this shine and guidance. You are my guardian angel. I continue improving. No strength to leave him yet. My daughters are 17 and 15 and I find it so traumatising for them as well, but I am convinced that hell is going to break out on all of us if I make the move now. Yes, I am afraid for them and I use the power I gain from healing to support them and passing on what I learn from this wonderful community.
Lots of love
Sending you and your daughters love and healing Anna,
Please know how welcome you are
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I think the stories above are powerful examples for everyone who has met people in their lives and made bad choices to keep people around who weren’t good for them, or as it states, to suck them dry. I had a few stories like that, friends only, from my past…people who continued to use me up, so to speak, with their needs but weren’t there to be a friend when I needed one. However, in light of the fact that yesterday was Mothers’ Day, I really want to say it would be wonderful to have something more here for those of us who didn’t “happen upon” or “choose” a narcissist, but who grew up living with one who forced themselves and their ways of manipulation into life and for awhile, no, we had no choice–we grew up with a parent who was a negative life force, who sucked us dry as we got older. We had to make the same choices, but to break away from someone who is in your family tree, to make a painful decision to go against what society tries to say is the “right thing to do” (to love your Mom and Dad, which I do, because I forgave them and some of the articles I originally found that were helpful at the end of my journey to living separately from my immediate family’s demands came from Melanie’s writings), anyway, to do this is saying something really at least as difficult or profound as the stories of being in a dating or marital relationship and finding out you are attracted to or attracting narcissists. When it’s a parent, when you have to decide “well, this means no contact with siblings who won’t understand, who will join in the bashing, then well…that’s how life will be”, it’s freeing but it is truly hard. People ask “where are you from?” or “are you seeing your parents this Christmas?” but they don’t know the stories or my boundaries. It comes up all the time. Melanie, you have so many great articles about this, and I know Mothers’ Day is not a universal holiday (but the UK and USA have them fairly close together), and it would be so nice to see some people speak about how that affects them. This year, for example, was the first time I decided not to send even a card to my Mom, and I was fine with not doing that. I mean, there was a pang of guilt but nothing life-changing or worrisome to me that put me in a state of depression about my decision. These types of boundaries are tough, society will try to tell you this is wrong, you must spend time with your parents, you are a bad person if you don’t. Those are the people who don’t have narcissistic parents, I think, who believe all families are full of healthy boundaries and love. I have a few friends who are quiet about it, and I don’t elaborate anyway, but I know they don’t even fathom what’s up or why I don’t or won’t see my parents or siblings any more. It’s healthy this way, as sad as it is, and I have other “replacement family” members now, anyway, people the same ages as my parents and siblings but healthier individuals, some who don’t know it but I’ve basically adopted them as family in my mind and heart. I don’t care about society judging me, I will do what’s right, but it’s a lonely decision to make when you didn’t choose the narcissist but realize you’ve been doomed to live with one in your formative years and then spend your 20s, 30s, or beyond trying to escape that “legacy”.
Hi JOinDC,
please know that if you google my name there are many resoirces in regards to narcissistic parents.
Also please know we have many, many members within our community, including MTE staff and Moderators and incredible Thrivers who have worked with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp to overcome and Thrive after the trauma of childhood narcissitic abuse.
I really want you to know that you are not alone.
There is also a great deal of support and expereince in the NARP Mamber’s Forum for those who have been through this experience ever since birth.
I promise you, with NARP, absolutely many have broken free from the leagacy, as a result of healing within. NARP is for recovery from all forms of narcissitic abuse – and even if narcissitic abuse is all a person has ever known. You can completley re-write your Love Code from the inside out.
I hope that this grants you hope.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Great words of wisdom. I really love the examples you gave as it makes it so much easier to relate. I used to fear narcissists. After healing for the past 3 years w NARP I now a ay “bring it on”. They are repeated patterns of people just wearing different skins. Identify one and keep them away. My awareness is healing my two children learn to set boundaries and be as narc free as they can possibly be. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and keep the examples coming!
Hi Keri,
Thank you!
I love that you are courageous now.
I will indeed, and thank you for Thriving and passing this on to your children.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I was like the last character you described, Shane. I have been used and abused due to what you attribute to a lack of boundaries because of feelings of guilt or shame. You call it the fear of c.r.a.p. I call it fear of being the bad guy. My fear had been so incredibly deep and for so long of a time, I didn’t even know that was the way I was.
Former scapegoat.
Hi Michael,
so many great men have been through this!
It is so recoverable with the inner work – truly!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Melanie I was recently in an 8 1/2 year relationship and finally left about 2 years ago. I was not drinking alcohol and working 2 jobs and feeling all of the pain that came up especially living alone during the pandemic….. I remember kicking myself in the butt for leaving and feeling so very alone …. but it would come and go….. then out of nowhere my now partner messaged me out of the blue he was so sweet and loving and commented how he always admired my artistic expression from 15 years ago he was sending me songs and poetry and telling me how he wished he was cooking for me and feeding me and that we are meant to be in each other’s lives and I just so happened to be moving to where he was before he contacted me….. he was adamant that he take me on my first date and we were intimate that night…. only weeks later he kept saying how I should move in we were perfect for each other and it was intoxicating and he was like my savior even though there were red flags with his drinking and almost driving us into the ocean I just joined the ride and started drinking again and moved in with him….. he sleeps all day and we never seem to get anything accomplished except another party night….. he has bitten me a few times and dropped me to the ground with his hands around my neck and I’m 7 mos in….. he bit me again the other night and says mean things to me like I must have been a sex worker because of my skills in bed I feel demoted and exhausted….. I made the decision to move out today after sending a picture of the bruise that he doesn’t remember giving me to 5 of my girlfriends that said “run for the hills” but now he is home I feel so strange he is giving me the silent treatment and I have to use his car to get my belongings out of here ….. he is usually very sweet and cuddly but when he drinks he gets kind of mean with words…… I feel cold as ice right now and all tense and second guessing my decision to leave
Hi Paula,
what would you say to someone you cared about who was being treated like this?
Sending you strength and courage.
Leaving and healing are the only solutions.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
What a spectacular article! The examples are so didactic and so relatable. The whole reading of the article shows all the care and dedication involved in this program. It took me a lot to learn that before wanting to know who the narcissist is and how he acts, I have to know who I am and how I react. It is work like this that transforms lives!
Your work is truly life saving Melanie!. I have done a lot of work on myself and am feeling empowered. Though this list reminds me I’m still vulnerable around the part of not wanting to hurt anybody else’s feelings. This has definitely been used to manipulate me. I can be a sucker for the sob story and feeling responsible for other people’s emotions (while they are hurting me) This reminds me If I am serious about thriving I need to stand firm in my truth. Thank you.
Hi Aoife,
I’m glad this resonated deeply with you!
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Melanie other then my upbringing that made me susceptible to the horrible controlling relationships I’ve had I have possible autism will this work for me given my vulnerability’s? I’ve dealt with narcissists + possible psychopaths my whole life That caused my 15yrs of fibromyalgia + have agoraphobia.im having a bad day but I love watching your you tube videos love beth 💗💗💗