Anyone who has been in relationship with a narcissist knows that even the most “giving”, “caring” Narcissist when entering into bouts of narcissistic entitlement can be totally unreasonable.
In fact it feels highly confusing, abusive and even dangerous with the behaviour and demands that come forth, and the actions and expectations that healthy adults simply don’t do.
And it feels really “off”, because it is coming from an extremely unhealthy interior.
The narcissistic may believe he / she is entitled to some type of preferred treatment from you or others.
This can range over a huge amount of topics.
The narcissist may take umbrage that someone else got the attention that he or she felt entitled to.
The narcissist may believe that as soon as he or she is available for you that you should drop everything and everyone and be available for them.
The narcissist may feel the entitlement that you don’t use terms of endearment with anyone else other than the narcissist.
The narcissist may feel entitled to monitor and control who you do or don’t speak to, and have access to your accounts and passwords.
The narcissist may feel entitled to your money, to have sex with you whenever he or she wants, or to make your day horrendous if the narcissist feels out of sorts.
The narcissist may feel entitled to act out in many numbers of ways; ways that he or she would never tolerate from anyone else.
The list of the entitlements that can be played out, naturally, are endless.
One of the most destructive aspects of narcissistic entitlement is that the narcissist can feel entitled to maliciously (or passively aggressively) play out revenge and hurt you, when he or she feels triggered and scorned by a perceived slight – real or otherwise.
The truth is “entitlement” is about “taking”, and it’s also about acting out behaviour without an understanding or duty of care regarding its impact on others.
Where Is Entitlement Coming From?
It’s ironic that the people in the world with the least levels of entitlement or the urge to want, take, steal or manipulate to get stuff, are the ones who generally have the least. These people also tend to be peaceful and “full” emotionally.
It can be argued that these people simply “know” their lot in life, and have accepted it, and have no other choice … but maybe it is more than that.
There are very disadvantaged groups with very high crime rates, as well as ones with very low ones.
Years ago when I had a trip to Vanuatu I spoke to the people, and realised that their lives were modest, they shared, and the crime rate was virtually non-existent. Everyone’s back yards and kitchen were congregating communal grounds.
As one man said to me “Why would we steal when what is yours is mine?”
I also met local people in South East Asia who were fulfilled, so at peace and inwardly solid because of the gratitude and love they felt for their life and each other – despite having very little.
This is what I believe …
Entitlement is emptiness, its ego – it’s the dissatisfaction of never feeling “good enough” and believing “If I can just get more or control people and situations around me then I can feel better.”
Naturally it’s a bottomless pit – it’s an addiction. All addictions are about trying to find outer self-medication to take away inner anxiety.
Entitlement (wanting more) doesn’t produce lasting good feelings. The more entitlement that is employed, the more it generates the escalating feelings of not being worthy and not being good enough.
It’s an unwholesome energy statement and that never generates anything good or lasting for the Inner Being.
Deservedness versus Entitlement
Deservedness and entitlement and are two different things.
Deservedness comes from a completely different emotional container than entitlement – it emanates from self-love, self-worth and self-acceptance.
It is the knowing that you are worthy simply because you exist; it’s a feeling of gratitude, and being revered and loved by all of Existence and Life unconditionally.
This level of wholeness and inner peace does NOT cause you to go out in life with zero compassion, competitiveness and a “dog eat dog” “I win you lose” attitude.
In stark contrast, you value your whole self which is “all of it” … meaning the “big you” … which means that “others” are included as well in this definition of “self”.
You feel and see others as you feel and see yourself (which is what human beings always do).
Therefore deservedness revers other people’s worthiness, knowing that if we take from another we are only hurting ourselves.
Deservedness is the knowing that because we are loved and accepted by All Of Existence that we can create directly with Life – as Source flowing through us –and as such we can reach for our goals, have belief in our hearts and know that we are capable of unlimited, inspired creation for the collective good.
Entitlement by stark contrast, is feelings of not deserving, and therefore the application to life – to get what that person wants – comes from an unwholesome and fearful place.
This means force or manipulation with the environment is necessary because “on my own I don’t have what it takes to create it.”
Entitlement is a disconnection from God / Source / Life, one’s self and others … it is the feelings of “I’m small”, I’m separated” “I’m unloved”.
The Spiritual Starvation of Entitlement
What happens when a child is put on a strict diet from a young age? Generally when they escape home they stuff themselves with foods of lower vibration … foods that don’t have real nutrition.
And then no matter how much this person eats – they still feel miserably EMPTY.
What happens when a child doesn’t receive love, trust, connection and acceptance? This child craves approval and attention later in life, and will chose (and generate) all sorts of low level, needy, instant, abusive and unhealthy connections.
No matter how many relationships this person gets into – they come back to the same place. They still feel emotionally EMPTY.
People act out entitlement because they did not receive the right “nutrition” on these topics in the first place.
The right “nutrition” was being brought up in a way that assisted the establishment of self-love and self-acceptance.
If people have unhealthy levels of wanting, demanding or having to have some thing, or a person’s attention or specific treatment, it is because they feel empty, unloved and not at peace inside themselves.
How Younger Life Sets Up Narcissists To Be Entitled
The following are some of the ways that narcissists became entitled.
The first is to have suffered severe deprivation, abuse, neglect and or punishment for wanting things (or to simply exist). Or to have things ripped away or destroyed as a form of punishment.
As I have written about in previous articles, narcissists at some point bury their inner self. There is too much inner pain and torment to bear, and the narcissist’s imagination (often at a young age) conjures up an image of a “special self”, a False Self, which is the fictitious character acting as a buffer between the narcissist’s inner torment (which the narcissist is trying to divorce) and the narcissist’s day to day emotional operations.
This False Self is a pathological self. Which by very definition means: it is not real, it has no real substance and is therefore not solid or resilient. The False Self is terminally insecure and needs all sorts of attention and grandeur in order to be maintained.
This False Self has to be held up as an image of extreme intelligence, attractiveness, specialness and significance. The feelings required to generate this image aren’t real, they’re manufactured, and they need a great deal of props to hold them up.
This is why entitlement is almost as necessary to the narcissist as breathing air.
The narcissist HAS to have significance.
The narcissist HAS to have attention.
The narcissist HAS to have “stuff” or “people” who create the narcissist as “superior”.
The narcissist will manoeuvre in life to try to ensure this entitlement can be fulfilled – in order to stay emotionally alive – to keep from collapsing inwards to the black hole of emotional torment that has never been resolved.
The other way that narcissists become entitled is though their parents having very poor boundary function. This happens with parents who were too busy or self-absorbed in their own issues to care. These parents just said “Yes” to their child to keep the peace or to keep them out of their hair.
This child never learnt limits, or how to emotionally self-soothe and feel whole despite life’s disappointments.
This also goes for the parents who were under the mistaken belief as a result of their own struggles, “If I give my children everything they need that they will have a better life.”
Also single parents who suffered spouse abuse, may over-compensate because of their guilt.
Narcissistic entitlement is also caused by the parents who create the “golden child” as an extension of their own narcissistic self. This will be the child who is good at academics, sport, or who is exceptionally attractive. This child can be a source of supply for the narcissistic parent, and be groomed as “special”, “unique” and “better than others” (including other siblings).
Naturally this is a powerful formula for narcissistic entitlement.
The narcissistic child suffers from poor boundary function, and has not learnt healthily the laws of actions and consequences. In fact this child may grow up believing that he or she is a law unto self. The entitled narcissist acts out “I want it and I want it now”, as a form of self-medication rather than dealing with and processing emotional pain and emptiness healthily, which means evolving, developing and filling self.
The Projection of Entitlement
So many people have gone through the experiences of being accused by the narcissist of “wanting this”, “wanting that”, “being a Gold Digger”, “you only did this to get that”, and all the crazy things that you can see the narcissist doing so clearly.
It can become so devastating that incredible pathological and even criminal acts of entitlement can be twisted around, and you are the one smeared and discredited with them.
This bends people’s non-narcissistic brains – until they realise that there is not a real, rational person inside the narcissist doing this stuff.
What you are really dealing with is the False Self, which doesn’t take accountability regarding wrongdoing (its existence is precarious enough as it is) and it HAS to scapegoat in order to survive.
What’s frightening and true is that the insane twisted allegations are real to the narcissist – once he or she lies purposefully to others and to self, the lie becomes real – the narcissist truly can’t tell the difference between fact and fiction.
Such is the terrible product of extreme unconsciousness.
Even when you try to prove the facts – the narcissist will still cling to the lies.
Boundaries With Entitled Narcissists
Anyone who has experienced a narcissist knows how futile normal human boundaries are when the narcissist is acting out of entitlement.
Narcissists do not know the meaning of “No”, and when faced with a firm “No”, will seek to punish, discredit, one-up, play a nasty tit for tat, devalue and discard – or simply take by force, or lie and do it behind your back anyway.
That’s after trying to charm in order to get their way, guilt you out of your boundary, twist facts to confuse you or threaten you with your biggest weak spot (such as fear of abandonment, fear of the narcissist being with someone else etc.) to make you agree with, and hand over what they believe they are entitled to.
Human reason and decency has no leg room here, it doesn’t exist, because the narcissist feels incredibly justified in his or her entitlement. Truly, he or she thinks the demands are perfectly okay, necessary, fair, and the right compensation for what you have done to him or her – because the narcissist is the perpetual victim.
Such is the state of a pathological self (at this level), and why the only true boundary for anyone abused with this behaviour is: “I am getting away and disconnecting my life from you – PERIOD.”
A Deep Look At Our Own Levels of Entitlement
Unless we were brought up in traditional spiritual societies, where the value of love, community, “Oneness” and sharing was espoused, we may struggle greatly with our own entitlement issues.
We may never consciously force people to hand over “stuff”, or demand, or steal, or try to control people in the insane ways the narcissist does …
But … maybe if we are really honest with ourselves – we realise that when we have been unconscious, or felt empty, or insecure that we have acted out “entitlement”.
Maybe we have felt entitled to hang on to a relationship because this person grants me “this”, rather than doing what we know is the right thing (letting go), or maybe we have given to get something – because we feel entitled to what that person can offer us.
Things that we don’t believe we can offer ourselves.
If we really understand ourselves we can see that co-dependency also carries twinges of entitlement, which is all a product of inner emptiness, and trying to rearrange things outside of self, rather than sorting out our insides and then approaching life from a more authentic emotional space.
When we really sift through the reasons why we may have been a match for narcissists, the understanding may arise from within that our own beliefs about “needing financial security” matched the high levels of entitlement the narcissist had for nice things.
This “gap” within ourselves, of not believing that we were could generate our security directly with Life, left us extremely vulnerable to be picked out and groomed by a highly “entitled” materialistic narcissist.
Maybe you are a man (or woman), and didn’t feel like you were good enough, and felt that you needed more recognition by having an aesthetically attractive mate. If we are honest we realise is a very similar vibration to the high levels of entitlement and superficiality that many narcissistic women (and some men) display.
This “gap” within you of not believing that you alone could generate approval with Life, (starting with the foundation of approval for self) meant that you were susceptible to making choices based from your ego, to have an “attractive” ego boost with this partner, rather than generate and connect to true authentic love.
Entitlement Equals A Very Poor Ability to Speak Up For Needs
People who act out entitlement, not only have a poor understanding of boundaries, they also have very ineffective, non-existent or toxic communication skills.
People who feel entitled, assume.
This I believe is a classic form of entitlement – “You should just know. I shouldn’t have to tell you.”
Growing past egoic entitlement does not mean that we “go without”, what it means is we are taking responsibility to create our own emotional health and fullness.
This means we stop expecting people to “just know”. If we feel that our boundaries are being crossed, or we need to receive more from people in our life, we step up and become mature enough to honestly, authentically and lovingly ask for what we need – and be REAL when doing so.
This is an example of an entitled person “speaking up” as opposed to an evolving person …
Entitled person
“How would you like it if I went off all the time with no consideration for you, and left you high and dry? Too bad! I’m going to start looking after me from now on!”
The entitled person with poor maturity is generating a relationship mess by decreasing trust and love. This relationship can do nothing but fizzle into ‘no connection”, crack and end, or become toxic.
The entitled person in their current framework will only continue to generate toxic relationships, and sabotage any chance of them being healthy.
Evolving person
“I’m really missing you. Can we please reconnect and spend some time together? I’d really love that.”
The evolving person is offering an incredible opportunity to generate an evolved relationship – one that grows into higher levels of authenticity, trust and mutual growth – namely REAL LOVE.
If the other person is not going to step up and join this higher level of vibration, the person asking for what they need, can keep trying authentically again, and then may move on. And they can do so with relationship health, self-integrity, love and honour – being much more likely to attract a higher vibration relationship next time.
I hope this article has granted you a deeper understanding of “entitlement”, and also granted you food for thought, as to how to develop and grow yourself (the only person you can change, heal and develop) past any of your own struggles with “entitlement” in order to be a fuller, happier and freer person – and able to connect with and attract other people at this higher vibration.
I look forward to receiving and answering your comments and questions.
Excellent article! Powerful insights.
Hi Fannie,
so glad you enjoyed!
Mel xo
I will keep this short. At my request, and to my surprise he returned all of my belongings, well most. When iI opened the trunk, I was surprised to see his bath rob in the trunk. I used to wear it and sleep in it all the time. I want to be aware of his devices as this is my first dealing with a narc. Can you explain the bathrobe?. What should I do with it. I’m doing NC. Thanks for any advice from anyone.
Do you think they realise they’re acting this way?
How about the narcissist who seems to go out of his way to cause upset/anxiety which results in negative attention?
Hi JW,
Unconsciousness means generally “no” people are not aware, feel their actions match their model of the world, and then don’t have the desire or “way” to change even if there are moments of lucidity.
Narcissist want attention – narcissistic supply. Good or bad it still feeds back to them that they are “significant” enough to affect others dramatically.
Mel xo
Very informative , helpful & insightful article. Sending you blessings & warm wishes. Your effort in trying to help & be of support to people across the globe is truly worthy & noble. Best Wishes!
Hi Anu,
thank you – and big blessings to you too.
Mel xo
Oh, how do I know this. glad you brought it up. I had to constantly “prove” my love and commitment to the ex, I had to buy her candies or flowers whenever I went out or I “didn’t lover her”. This caused me confusion, I felt like I had to constantly buy her love. The second problem was the flowers were always the wrong color or type and the candies were always the wrong flavor. I can laugh about it now, but at the time it was very frustrating. In time as my love for her grew cold (I was working on myself, not understanding her “problem”) I stopped with the gifts, they did no good anyway. As I regained my power she became frustrated that she could no longer control me. I was laid off from my job and that was the excuse to get rid of me.
I’m so glad I’m rid of her and absolutely no contact…YEA! The only news I want from her is her funeral notice LOL.
I didn’t know how abusive my ex husband was, when I went to see my psychiatrist the first time, I told her that maybe I was a bit harsh on him.
I used to think he was a very nice person, even after he brought home a woman to say that they were having an affair, helped me to find the doctor to have an abortion (because it was the wrong time), then talked me into going to IVF 6 months later.
Later, he ignored me when I was depressed. When I went to see a therapist, he was ‘encouraging’ and said that it was good that I am having girlie talks!!
I now believe he was emotionally abused me for ages, but not having a scare or a bruise, it took me very long time to understand what’s going on.
This sounds like me lol, I was the same, did as I was told even when I knew it was stupid to or I really didn’t have to but still did as I loved that person and felt I had too to keep the peace.
Hi Serena,
it is very true that many of us were never educated to think that abuse does not extend beyond physical violence, or maybe addiction issues.
As we now understand, emotional abuse is a very real thing – as is what you went through.
Mel xo
Spot on article. It’s taken me years to set myself free. My Mother and sister are narcissistic. I married a narcissist and became ill with a chronic disease ( no wonder). I have a son and daughter . Because I was ill for quite a long time from my children being a young age ,were under the influence of my mother and their father. My daughter became the golden child and began to resent me as her mum. I felt guilty and a failure as a human being and allowed my daughter to abuse me emotionally for years when my life became nothing there was no other choice than to surrender and get well. I left the marriage see Mum on my terms and at last am able to let go of my daughter. I have a loving marriage now and a fab connection with my son and life.
Hi Sarah,
That is so wonderful that you have made it out to the other side, and disconnected and laid boundaries.
Saying “No” to what isn’t healthy, definitely gives us the room to say “Yes” to who and what is.
Mel xo
Melanie.
I forgot to say thank you and how much all your hard work to help and support us makes all the difference.
THANk YOU.
Loads of love.
Sarah X
Loved the example of an evolved response compared to an entitled one. Is there a book of examples? lol
I truly believe that narcissists are difficult to recognise at first unless you are observing the actions and responses rather than the words. Stephens post is an excellent example of an “off” response and Serena’s post is an excellent example of “off” actions. While both of these types of actions and responses were being exhibited I bet the narcissistic individuals were duping Serena and Stephen with their words which probably smothered Stephen and Serena’s abilities to see who the narcissists really are.
Narcissists remind me of magicians. The tricks are fake and we shouldn’t believe them 🙂
Hi Karen,
not as yet, but maybe one day!
I agree with you entirely – after the fact it is a lot easier to see it, but when it’s all going down there is a lot of smoke and mirrors.
Hence why it is so, so important to work on ourselves so that we just are not a vibrational match for that darkness anymore.
Mel xo
still caught up with n and wish I can get myself out of this but the fear is still heavy in me. Do believe that they absolutely do not know that they are like that, try to explain myself for not being
interested anymore but it does not sink in with him, it is just “Me, myself and I” with n.
Hi Rene,
please find details of my next Webinar …
I’d love to join in and understand how to heal from this …
https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
Mel xo
Great read…Perfect Summary.
Now after 17 months fully understand my growing up and it took the N experience to drum it in.
ie: bravo for my new personasl insight journey….
K
Hi Kaylene,
thank you. I am so thrilled you have personal insight and growth now 🙂
I relate – it totally took me experiencing N-abuse to grow up!
Such a gift!
Mel xo
This is a brilliant resource…
Well done to Mel….
Heaps of others but, only 2 others equally helpful.
Comes to “better understanding and realizing our own personality”.
Rather than “blame”, but having said that:
Being empathic can cause “over” taking full responsibility to end N situation.. So again Ns never have a personal learning journey… but heh we learn heaps about ourselves for the ‘better’.
Cheers
Hi Kaylene,
it is very true the only person we have power and responsibility with is ourselves …
We can’t change anyone else.
The N’s journey is their choice …
Mel xo
I love this article so much. I have many many areas to work on, and I also see the healthier parts reaching for growth. I definitely was identified with the handsome intelligent charming man who would take care of me financially. There was an unspoken agreement we had, and when I gained weight I broke the rules and he left. I think unconsciously I knew he would leave, and it was my way out, which appeared to be his idea.. There has also been a struggle where I don’t want to be entitled so I end up forfeiting deserving as a result. I didn’t know how to get to deserving , which I am now beginning to know. In this way I have been stuck, catch 22., because my boundaries were unclear between the two. I knew entitlement didn’t feel right, and would rather sacrifice deserving at the risk of being entitled. I deeply desire authentic deservedness, for me and my loved ones. Not being entitled is half the story, the other half is knowing and being in true real love.
I understand what you are saying. Completely. how to get to that place of value without going too far.
I hope to learn some skills il a DBT course.
I try to be still a lot, quiet in prayer or just stopping in my head, in my heart. Sometimes it brings me to the answer that falls between self value and entitlement.
Most of the time, it’s a resting place..to just be for a few moments…I find I like myself there, I don’t really want anything there. things seem to fall away. I am not chooing to label these things unimportant because I could not do that if I tried. I would do it incorrectly, because my boundaries are all confused.
But, they just don’t seem as important after that quiet time.
In fact, the peace I get there, that is becoming more important. Maybe that is deserved ness? I don’t know yet.
Hi Ruth,
I am so glad you loved the article.
It’s great that you are reaching for growth …
What you have written is very important – the definition between “entitlement” and “deservedness”, and how to anchor deservedness into your body.
That has been a big journey for many of us in this community – absolutely.
Wonderful that you are determined to embody it – authentically.
Mel xo
how do I anchor it in my body? It comes and goes for me.
I can so relate to your comment…
There has also been a struggle where I don’t want to be entitled so I end up forfeiting deserving as a result. I didn’t know how to get to deserving , which I am now beginning to know. In this way I have been stuck, catch 22., because my boundaries were unclear between the two. I knew entitlement didn’t feel right, and would rather sacrifice deserving at the risk of being entitled. I deeply desire authentic deservedness, for me and my loved ones. Not being entitled is half the story, the other half is knowing and being in true real love.
Dear Melanie,
I’m a child of a narss., and your reminder here is one that I needed to read today. I know that empty space intimately.
My narss husband divorced me and left me with two sons to care for, a career to revive, and chronic physical hurdles.
On my own, I see my own “made-up” personas, the ones that I created to survive in this world and how they prevented me from learning really basic and vital social skills.
Somewhere in my girlhood I determined that I did not have what it took to be accepted and to survive..so I denied me and God, and made it up as I went along.
The duality of living that way, doing things that crushed my soul just to be acceptable to so many that didn’t matter in the end…that is what caused my physical body to turn on itself in the form of autoimmune issues, depression and sometimes psychosis if I let myself go for too long.
The divorce stripped me bare and now with no viable persona to climb back into for safety, not even “awesome mom”, I stand frozen outside of the gate of where “everyone else” lives and plays.
I am confused, frustrated, lonely and beating back desperation with all of my might.
The worst thing is not trusting anything that I think or feel.
I have the responsibilities of a normal divorced adult woman. But I am lost and I don’t speak the language, I don’t know how to fit in, I don’t know how to ask for help, I don’t know who is dangerous and who isn’t. I don’t know who to trust.
I don’t know how to replace the narrsisitic tools my dad and husband gave me with good wholesome fruitful life giving tools.
Frequently I “burn out”…my fake way of expressing fear of making one more potentially wrong descion based on one more misunderstanding, one more wrong assumption..and what feels like “wrath” that always follows.
Then I see life blurring past me..and I panic, and jump back in..still without the skills.
Wanting to learn, but overwhelmed with the day to day race exhausted and disgusted with myself by the end of the day.
Then I comfort myself with self-depreciation..I stop looking after my health..and I cry a lot, because there will be another day. Another day to fall short, another day to smother the longing, another day knowing that this will all be passed on to my sons if I don’t stop it now.
I am grateful.
yes, it’s not any easy life, but it’s a totally beautiful one. And as confused and unsure as I am, I know when people share their beauty unselfishly, like you do Melanie.
Im glad we share our time together on this earth. One more reason to get up again and try tomorrow.
Hi Jennifer,
my heart goes out to you …
Truly I want you to know that no matter where this has all taken you to – there is hope.
There is a way to heal and reverse all of this trauma.
I’d love you to join in my next Webinar – please do …
You deserve to heal, and your children deserve a wonderful life too.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
Mel xo
I am a current sufferer, as well. I have not moved past the grips of a sociopath and I am currently involved in a horrific divorce that has, through the courts, given my husband the power I am trying to escape. Through the use of money and other means, my husband has spent the past 23 years controlling me and my children through his narcissism and compulsive lies and it took for him to become physically aggressive for me to see the light. I knew that I had to get out but still wavered a bit when the apologies were spewed. (He is, of course, denying his aggression.) After getting duped again, I finally pulled it together and filed for divorce, but to a sociopath, this means war. There is no concept of fairness only that I am no longer needed to get what he wants. He has traded me and my children for a different life in a new job and with a new woman (and possibly a child). One that doesn’t include me so he is fighting with all his being to make sure I am hurt financially and emotionally moving forward. His lawyer plays into the games that my husband plays and makes them work for him while making me look like I am the crazy one. I am starting to believe that many people who are labeled ‘crazy’ have simply given in to the actions of a sociopath because they can’t find an escape.
Such an interesting read, I come under the not good enough category, but tend to end up with drug abusers or alcohol abusers and I still never felt good enough, I did as I was told in fear of losing a man that wanted me, my x use to make up scenarios in his head and tell people of things I had done (always when drinking) and I was made out to be a cheater when I would never ever dreamed of doing that, I think he wanted people to think low of me when I already thought low enough of myself as it was, I have now been single a year but have onlystopped getting nasty and nice emails from him in the last 3mnths, my goal this year is to not let people talk to me like im nothing cos I am worth more than that and so are my kids.
Thanka Mel for your help.
Annie x
Annie you are worth it baby..just you
Hi Annie,
you’re so welcome, and it is wonderful that you are seeing the patterns that you don’t want to keep experiencing, and are making the steps to grow towards health on these topics!
Keep it up 🙂
Mel xo
Thank you Melanie for another interesting and insightful and well-worded article. Entitlement and manipulation are the hallmark of my ex, who I see very clearly as NPD after three years separated. The smoke and mirrors were the crazy-making part and still are. Though I have become much better at setting boundaries, feeling deserving, and feeling basically good about myself and my life, since we share a child, he still finds his way to weasel in to get what he wants. He likes to use the “poor him” sympathy card and the “I care about you” card with me as he’s at least figured out that the nasty stuff doesn’t get him anywhere with me anymore. And it’s infuriating because that fakey kindness is perceived by others as “what a nice guy” when really it’s just a continuation of his entitled, self-revolving, distorted self. I just need to breathe and remove my energy from him. Even writing this gives him energy I think!
Hi Jessica,
you are so welcome …
It is so ,so true healing and recovery is all about releasing all of the painful energy we have tied up in this, and then we can reclaim and start generating healthy energy and life.
Please come into my next Webinar – and learn all about how to do that …. it makes such a difference when you do …
Mel xo
Hi Mel,
I have seen many true colors of different Ns in my life. Everyone is a con artist in their own way. One of their most consistent task is to keep weaving the yarn of lies and illusions around you that seem very like the true picture. It keeps happening til we keep ourselves in their dark tunnel with them. When we start looking into our faith in God (for myself) we pray and it feels like a sudden light turned on in our inner self where we start seeing them clearly with their true face and intentions. Their existence, fake selves and whatever they are is so clearly shown to us.
I was shown the real Nc whenever I prayed to God for help so I could see the reality. I am glad that I was shown what was real. I used to sit right before him and was able to screen his whole perfectly acting artistic self. I used to smile inside whenever he tried to fool me and i used to think” really”? I felt the cold, dead and empty self of him and it was scary.
I am so grateful to God and people like you he chooses to help millions of others to recognize all kinds of abuse and to how to be safe. The wonderful power of prayer is that I had never read a word about surviving abuse and how to keep myself safe but I was given the exact strategic path to fight it and survive. It is truly and only help from above that led me and guided me to the right path. I have started reading about Nc after I was done with everything but I was looking for the answers. People like you were sent along the way on healing to understand it fully and better and move on to a fulfilling and happy life.
Thanks Mel,
Mehr
Hi Mehr,
thank you for your lovey post, and you are so welcome.
I agree entirely that this journey is so much about reconnecting to a Higher Power, and healing at a deep spiritual level, where we can connect to and accept love and support from the true Source of wellbeing and love.
Mel xo
After 12+ years of a insidious psychological abusive relationship with my ex bf, I felt suicidal from his demeaning treatment of discarding, silent treatment, mind games, lying and disrespect. He showed contempt and hatred towards me with absolutely no empathy. Even the wrong choice of words when talking to him set him in a rage. I was so miserable and something was so wrong, I just had to get out. I moved out while he wasn’t at home. Still, I had self blame and thought, if only I didn’t get him mad, if only… When I found your site and educated myself, only then, I realized I am not the cause for his anger and abuse, its his choice, which he is accountable for. I learned there’s no closure, he has no remorse but only a self entitlement that he’s telling whoever will listen, that I am the the bad person and he’s tried everything to make it work. I didn’t realize a need of some reaction, whether its positive or negative, is narcissistic supply. I’ve attempted leaving numerous times before and went back, this time, going full on no contact. I struggle still and miss him. I left 4 months ago and it’s a battle within to break from this bondage. I’m told he’s on the prowl and already dating several women. It’s hurtful, but my focus is getting healthy and back to me again. Your articles inspire me to have hope and understand the dynamics of his character. I never realized or could imagine the treacherous demonic existence, especially with someone I trusted with my heart, future and spirit. You’re a lifesaver! I am forever grateful for the truth, which is setting me free. I still obsess in thoughts of him and still no drive in going out, I’m scared but don’t know of what.
Hi Alison,
I am so pleased you have got out and stayed out …
And I am so pleased my articles are granting you a truth that helps you keep No Contact.
There is another level of healing though, on the inside, that goes way past just having the information.
I’d really love you to come into my next Webinar to understand the profound difference.
https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
Mel xo
great article I am having the most difficult time letting go and moving on. when we were together she would ell me she didn’t want a committed relationship and would go back to her ex BF or meet other guys on the internet.
Then we lived together or should I say stayed at her house for about 10 months. still keeping my place we lived about an hour away from each other. then out of the blue after telling me she loved me and making plans for us to spend thanks giving and Christmas she goes on zoosk and meets someone else and within days has him come over for thanksgiving and just stops all contact.
she tells her best friend to tell me shes seeing someone else. its been 4 months and she reaches out bc she wants to be friends but only talk and text friends once in a while. Im confused she acted like she loved me she told her beset friend it would take a miracle man to ever get her away from me. now she’s happy and in love and in a committed relationship’.
How do I put this behind me when I know deep down in my heart that she loved me. every time we got close she would run away. is she really happy and in love and if so why is she continuing to reach out to me. especially when I tell her that if she happy and I n love then theres no reason for us to communicate. within 5 days of me saying that shes reaching out for no specific reason. if I say did you need something shell espond with doesn’t matter.
help I’m drowning..
Hi Peter,
this is where with all of us we needed to (and you need to) get the focus of “her” and make it all about “you”.
Because, truly this isnt even about her …
With all of us there were gaps, young orginal childhood wounds that led us here, and also keep us in, obsessing and traumatised.
The true questions and healing journey are about why you were sustaining a relationship with someone for “crumbs” (some words of endearment) when her real life actions were not commitment, not devotion and full of other guys ….
How does this behavior match the unhealed aspects of your childhood?
When you have truly worked this through, found and healed those still undeveloped unhealed parts of you – you will have no obsession and no attraction to her.
Nor will you continue to believe in any shape or form what was playing out for either of you was “love”.
I can’t recommend enough joining me in my next webinar https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
Mel xo
Mel,
Thank you. I know you can appreciate just how many lives you have helped to heal and get back to reality. A gift I am truly grateful for.
Having a child with a narc can sometimes feel like a never ending battle and like a washing machine has caught me up and its on constant spin cycle. My anxiety can get out of control and I lose my grip on the very basic common sense of NO CONTACT, NO RESPONSE, NO ENGAGEMENT. The need to defend and protect my child is so strong but more so is the guilt for having bought him in to a life of manipulation, confusion and emotional abuse at the hands of a ‘loving father’. I read this article straight after an email that I have our 6 year old call his father. The email read…Please have xxxxx call me. I was out and forgot my phone. I felt an emotional response and then stopped. Entitlement!!! He thinks he can dodge the parenting order guidelines and then demand we compensate. My son sat for 2 hours waiting for his call that never came (again). He stayed awake after a long day at school to the point of overtired and we then had to deal with that. Instead of getting annoyed/angry/anxious about it, we cuddled in bed and wound it back down to a positive experience.
Another timely article. Always on point.
Narcissistic Entitlement. This is a bottomless pit of pure evil. The day we seperated I had tried to discuss the problems that were readily apparent. The ex flew into a Narcissistic rage, both my son and I witnessed the absence of humanity in her eyes, my son a 10 yr infantry soldier having served O/S many times in war zones said that what he observed scared him and was one of the most memorable things he had ever seen, it scared the hell out of me as well, a psycopath in action. During this time she told me that she was going to take my daughter and all the assets and leave me in the gutter with nothing as she viewed them as hers alone, we were going to find out what it would take to push me over the edge, to suicide. She was as good as her word, projecting all the sick and twisted capabilities of a determined and truly evil person. Ultimately the courts stopped a lot of her extreme behaviours, including restraining her on the advice of the court appointed psycologist. We seperated 2 1/2yrs ago, she had been plundering the marital assets which was one of the issues. Last week I found out that for years before we seperated she had been on Adult sex hookup sites inviting all and sundrey for romps in the family home, obviously my young daughter lived here as well, so both her safety and my health were put at risk, she was there in all her naked glory. This projection of all the hatred inside them onto their significant others is unbelievable, with not one acknowledgment of their actions. I’m grateful that the uncovering of her activities has come to light now instead of 2yrs ago as my reaction would have quite possibly been very different then and I might not have gotten the same outcome in the courts. I am grateful for the information that has been shared on this site. Now I look at it as par for the course for a narcissist, I doubt that I will even give it oxygen as in all probability she would just gloat at how she had done me over, although I will always know what she is about. All you can do is keep up the bounaries and be grateful that they are gone.
Peace John
Hi Meg,
I am so pleased the article helped.
I really want to say this though, as I say to soooo many people – there is a huge difference between trying to get the knowledge to heal as opposed to doing the work inside our bodies to heal.
Until we literally become the “knowing” of “no emotional charge” – which means we have cleaned the trauma and hooks out …until then we are only “managing” (sometimes successfully, sometimes not), hence the need to keep researching, reading, reiterating, reinforcing, regurgitating and the list goes on and on.
Yet, when we do the true work we by-pass all of that – transform and shift on the inside, and then everything MUST and does match that on the outside, including our children, and what the narcissist is doing.
That is the true healing model.
I really, really urge you to take it to that level, so you don’t continue to have the round and round battle, and can start coming out of this – the other side – on a much more straight line.
I hope this is accepted as the heart-felt support it was intended as.
Mel xo
Accepted as intended. I do struggle with the healing. I worked very hard on the modules and came to a point where I just stopped. I do struggle with the injustice. It still makes me angry/confused/bewildered. Its a hard place to come back from. Its a slower process for some I guess :/
Hi Mel
The Narc Brother and Narc Mother in my Life due to ‘Family’
Unsure if the Mother passed her traits on and Brother then re mastered them…It is as others have stated…entitlement..attention negative or positive.
When my Brother Lies and twists to Mum she allows him to undermine without question….Years of defending myself against a whole lot of hot shit that has spread and continues on to Nephews and now affects great nephews and nieces..
As long as Mum is in the good books in others eyes she shall allow the smears on my person to continue…..As she has learned to never question her pupil son.
Brother is always gaining attention by his rude/crass ways and turning the charm to look like the one who has no idea what is wrong with his attitude and why myself nor others have a right to question.
It is like having someone trip you up and then laugh at you and say they had nothing to do with it…Regardless of any witnesses….They do no wrong? Right ?
My late father wished for his ashes to be scattered in a requested location…Brother Narc claimed half of Dad currently placed on his mantle
After stating he wishes to place him in somewhere in a public grave yard..of such I agreed to facilitate with him a memorial..He told me to stay out of it..and I was not to be involved.
I invited my nephews to attend the half ashes scattering at Dads requested site as other friends of my late father were quick to accept and attend.
Did my nephs respond to my invitation? No… did they even show any regard as to how things went? No…..They think that ignorance me is ok.
Talk about Family!!…what family I say, does my Brother control others and I can tell you they learn never to Question him….Why you ask?
As he takes it out on his Wife and even she has learned that it is healthier for her to agree with whatever mindset he presents…Same for Mum who has had decades of battling her own passed on traits thrown back by her son pupil….And as long as she is gaining attention…she allows Narc mindsets to grow and be fueled….Through the generations.
I have not spoken with my brother in 11 mths…and I recon he is just loving it…..As he is still feeding…and has support.
I have read and reviewed your wonderful work and am strong and do thank you.
Just thought I would say…When it comes to Family things are not so cut and dry and it is hard to just opt out, as it is in a marriage or love relationship.
It is one of those situations… Family never ends..It is always family.
And I am the family scapegoat…and not by choice, logic does not prevail .. as I am Mobbed…and silenced.
My nephew told me once many years ago.. whilst I was stating my view of a rumor against me…He said ..It does not matter what you say Unc, as no one believes anything I say.
Dear Mel.. What do I do ??…. It still goes on behind my back…and I am weary and know that I do not need to defend myself against lies….Yet find it difficult to be constantly rained on.
Thank you.
Hi Alan,
my answer to this is the same as it is to everyone …
We can’t change what others are doing in any shape or form – the only thing we can change is ourselves.
Getting out of the mind torment and obsession of narcissistic abuse is not a “practical” issue – it is a spiritual / self-development issue.
The first port of call is getting the emotions out of our own being that are keeping us hooked in there and handing our power over.
The next part is to heal our original wounds from childhood that are co-creating this agony.
When you have healed you will not give a toss what is being said about you – you will have healed all the parts of you that used to fear persecution or needed approval.
When you no longer feed the situation energy, the situation will dissolve into “nothingness”, it could only ever exist with your energy, your susceptible wounds, being the other half of the “magnet”.
Then narcissism cannot and will not operate in your life – period.
The real work to achieve this is not cognitive, it is deep soul work on the subconscious, and that is where the NARP Program comes in.
Mel xo
Thank’s Mel
I know you are right and am aware that I still have some soul healing to do…I am an effect of the cause.
And without effect the cause shall loose it’s substance.
So true Alan.
and the total gift in “whatever” is hammering us in life, is it is showing us the necessity to evolve this part of ourselves – in order to be our highest and best self.
Narcs are the best delivers I know of this message.
That is the only work we ever need to do.
Mel xo
It seems to me that throughout human history, most children have not received UNCONDITIONAL love.
On that basis, it would follow that most are narcissistic, or have
narc traits without necessarily being NPD. I can see my own
narc traits and nearly everyone I encounter seems to be on the
spectrum.
Some spiritual paths believe that this is deliberate; that we come to this earth plane to experience what it is like to be disconnected from
our true self, via lack of unconditional love.
Just to clarify: Narcissism (not NPD) seems to be the norm, to varying degrees.
I wonder what others think?
Hi Dianne,
100% I agree.
Conditions were imposed that you had to be this or that, or turn to that authority, or do this particular thing to be loved – and more than that if you didn’t you would be damned to eternal hell.
So naturally of course this was the way parents parented.
It hasn’t done children or humankind in general any favours.
I call what you call “narcissism” across the board “unconsciousness” – which to sum up means “I am not aware that I am the generative source of my own experience” … meaning I don’t believe I need to heal, evolve or change, and I am either a perpetrator in actions or a perpetual victim victimised by others.
All of this separation from the truth of Oneness causes intense pain, which then fuels the unconsciousness …
The entire world is modelled on it – separation, me versus you, dog eat dog, and such emptiness, pain and torment without inner healing that it gets projected like a virus outside of oneself.
Its time we all woke up … that’s what I am so passionate about being involved in … that awakening.
Mel xo
I will keep this short. At my request, and to my surprise he returned all of my belongings, well most. When iI opened the trunk, I was surprised to see his bath rob in the trunk. I used to wear it and sleep in it all the time. I want to be aware of his devices as this is my first dealing with a narc. Can you explain the bathrobe?. What should I do with it. I’m doing NC. Thanks for any advice from anyone.
I seem to drift in and out of reality. I know that the behaviors exhibited by my x don’t match up to the words and that, realistically, he didn’t care about me. I understand that in my head, but I feel so ashamed and guilty because I realize that he was mirroring my own inner fears and sense of worthlessness. I know I should love myself enough to not grovel for attention. I know I should avoid contact but this huge piece of me that misses him wants to call and say I love you and it’s all okay. I’ve had my head held under water sooo many times it’s unbelievable. I’ve been compartmentalized into this tiny little slice of his life and kept hidden from the world. I can’t seem to get angry because I see all my flaws. He can’t be accountable for his participation but he does have a point when he points out my flaws while I remain frozen and unable to speak my truth. I feel so unlovable and washed up and dead inside. Will this ever ever end? I even recognize my childhood trauma and see myself quite clearly. If this is who I am then who am I to say another is wrong. When there seems to be no wrong or right. And so I justify his actions and they seem, we’ll just like him. He still seems comfortable to me. My ego keeps me from calling. I just can’t seem to feel the love for myself. Only my love twards him. And if our childhood is where we learned love then it seems that I will be attracted to the same exact style lover. And then it’s a repeat. I see it with my friends. They’re proporting happiness but it’s the same thing just a different package and then it just seems so dismal. Can this take years. It’s been five months. And it’s been very painful.
this is really seriously on the mark brilliant, intuitive information. I sincerely hope that this website gets circulated all over the world, on Facebook, etc, to help educate people and this will G-d willing give them protection as they will be forewarned. Far too many people have been exposed to way too much pain and injustice because of people with this disorder.
This part is so true for me: ” “How would you like it if I went off all the time with no consideration for you, and left you high and dry? Too bad! I’m going to start looking after me from now on!”
The entitled person with poor maturity is generating a relationship mess by decreasing trust and love. This relationship can do nothing but fizzle into ‘no connection”, crack and end, or become toxic.”
He said almost exactly those words. He used it to get his way consistently. It creates more problems rather than solving anything, but he could never see that.
“with narcissists shoinwg no interest in having custody of the children and almost no interest in parenting at all, until something goes wrong in their lives (such as a divorce, loss of a job, loss of a new relationship, business deal gone bad). Then, to cope, they suddenly see themselves as perfect parents and want custody of the kids” This is what I think is happening in my case. Long story, but in short: I got out of a (very short) relationship with a narcissist before giving birth to our child. I had to get out of this relationship, felt something was very wrong with him, and after reading a lot, found out he fits the narcissist ‘profile’ perfectly. He never showed any interest in the child, i’ve been raising the child alone, all going very well. Then, after years he demands visitation and courtcase after courtcase follow. He is escalating everything, not trying to solve. He got the courts to give him permission to legally recognize the child, so he is successful too. (Just as described in edcourses ‘It’s all your fault” ) He never paid childsupport and still will not, and he’s allowed not to as he does not have any money.Anyway, now I am faced with a courtordered mediation to establish (the possibility of granting) visitation rights and to get ‘the parents’ back in touch and mediate between us.Obviously, I want nothing to do with him in my/our life, but I have to face this situation and deal with it.Besides this, I do feel that my child has a right to know who his biological father is. But I am sure that allowing him access to our lifes in some way will be harmful. Its difficult. I do not know what would be the best approach for me to take in this mediation. (A child development psychologist/mediatior will be the court mediator).How to ‘expose’ him, should I fight it or stay reasonable, and most importantly, what is best for my child?Court and mediation is focussed and intent on getting some kind of contact going between father and child.I want to stay reasonable and want the best for my child, but I am so worried that i will ‘loose’ in the mediation. Not sure if anyone here can help out or can refer me to another blog/forum?Thanks a lot,From Europe
Hello I am a narcissist which I belive leads me to be a sex addict. All in all I just lost my fiance due to My condition I need help I don’t want to live like this. What can I do to start my transformation into a decent human being?
I’ve been reading and re-reading older articles by you. I”m trying to understand how I have more than 3 friends who are going through relationships with such people. They are all decent women who are being tortured and treated in such an evil way. I am reading this in order to understand what they are going through, and I hope it will help me be more supportive.