This Thriver Story is about Yvette, a woman who suffered narcissistic abuse in a same sex relationship.
I was thrilled when Yvette came forward, deeply wanting to share her story for the gay and lesbian community … because over the years people have emailed and said to me “My narcissistic abuse situation is – I’m in a same-sex relationship, can you please write about that Melanie?”, whereas truly from what I have seen up close and personal with the numerous clients I have done energetic healing work with, is that same-sex narcissistic dynamics are identical to heterosexual ones.
My great friend Eric Casaccio the director of the movie “Narcissist” also agrees. He too reports that many people in the heterosexual community have reported to him, in his travels world-wide, the identical narcissistic abuse incidents that the gay community have experienced.
What I think is wonderful, is that we now have a Thriver, Yvette, who can help same-sex oriented people identify with narcissistic abuse and recovery.
In this interview with Yvette, you will learn about how she was love bombed at the beginning by a charismatic, confident woman.
Yvette described the first date experience as “full on” – it certainly left an impression.
Yet after this date Yvette felt like something was “not quite right”, and she lost interest and wouldn’t have pursued things further. That was until the narcissist went out of her way to do “little special things” that had Yvette change her mind.
Yvette gave her a chance and before she knew it was hooked and enmeshed into the narcissist’s world.
After several months Yvette discovered the major cracks, that her partner had all sorts of issues in her personal world – problems and additions that threatened the very fabric of the relationship.
Then Yvette was delivered the first punishing blow, the narcissistic brutal and typical devalue and discard (with minimum provocation) which naturally left Yvette reeling.
Not knowing what she was dealing with made Yvette question herself, try harder and want to help her partner – who she knew was suffering from depression and addictions.
In short Yvette did what nearly all of us did, felt sorry for this person and make excuses for horrendous and abusive behaviour, believing this is what loving partners do.
This led Yvette to feel broken, shattered, addicted and empty. The devalue and discard episodes intensified and Yvette lost more and more of herself.
That was until she discovered what was really going on, who she was really dealing with, and how to get well.
Today Yvette has transformed many things about her previous inner programs and patterns and feels completely different to how she once did.
The addiction and hooks are gone, Yvette is free of the narcissistic emotional agonies and pulls, and she now has the ability to create a life much greater than the one she previously had the confidence to generate.
I really think you will get a lot out of this story, and find it really inspirational.
Yvette and I would love anyone from the same-sex community who has been narcissistically abused to join us in the comments section of the blog … and anyone at all, if you have any questions or comments please also post!
“Then Yvette was delivered the first punishing blow, the narcissistic brutal and typical devalue and discard (with minimum provocation) which naturally left Yvette reeling.”
I didn’t realize this was a common pattern, I got dumped by the ex wife, because I had an argument with with our daughter. It could have all been easily resolved, but then nothing can be resolved with a narc and the children have also taken on this trait.
But he real reason was I lost my unemployment 3 weeks earlier and she didn’t want to support me. I already knew she only kept me around was because of the pay checks for well over over a decade.
My biggest issue, the elephant in the living room that I failed to treat was: WHY? Once I treated that I was finally able to find peace.
THANK YOU for this topic! I was in a 15 year narcissistic lesbian relationship. Same story, very charismatic, charming and hellishly sexy early on. Complicated by the fact this was an international relationship and was a HUGE adventure. She ended up moving here to live with me so essentially I felt I became totally trapped and unable to leave because she’d “given up” everything to be with me. I had absolutely no idea how dysfunctional this relationship was until I got out of it (which took me three years). But I see it so very clearly now. We were in an awful pattern of abuse where she’d blow up at me and verbally attack me, she’d rage and have tantrums like a five year old. In fact, I came to the conclusion that she had less than the emotional capacity of a five year old and that most five year olds behave more maturely. Then there would be the calm after the storm, the terrible remorse and forgiveness and then things would be ok for a bit until the tension began to build and the cycle began all over again. It took me three times over three years and chasing her back to her country of origin, and having a complete breakdown before I was able to leave for good.
We were having counselling in her country of origin and our very astute therapist took me aside and told me she thought my partner had a raging personality disorder with both very strong borderline and narcissistic traits. I started researching this and came across your website and realised that yes for sure, that’s what has happened to me. My lesbian therapist back in Australia told me that there seems to be a higher proportion of people with personality disorders in the gay and lesbian community than in the general community, so I suspect if we dig, we’ll find a whole community of narcissistic abuse survivors in the GLBTI community.
I’ve done the really hard internal work, come to grips with my coodependence, family of origin wounds (Mum was a doormat, Dad was a tyrant, history repeating with my relationship) and have now built myself the life I have always wanted, in the country with animals and lots of gardening, yoga and creativity.
But here’s the thing. I am so happy with my new life, infact, happier I think than I have ever been and I have absolutely no desire to have another relationship ever again. I am very happy with my own company and that of my animals that I can’t fathom anyone else being in my life. I have developed deeper and richer friendships with people I have known for many years and this helps sustain me emotionally. Can you tell me if this is a normal part of healing? I realise just how damaging this relationship was for me and am in no hurry to get involved with anyone again at all.
I would love to find other narcissistic abuse survivors from the lesbian and gay community and am wondering if there is any interest in setting something up?
Thanks for such a wonderful resource your website has really helped me Melanie.
Regards
Nicole, Ballarat, Australia
Hi Nicole,
you are so welcome.
That is so great, after going through such a harrowing ordeal, that you were able to find out the truth of what you were dealing with, and heal and liberate yourself.
Its also wonderful that you are creating rich and authentic relationships with yourself and others.
Most definitely it is personal choice, whether or not you would like an intimate relationship … many, many times I have seen that in the evolution of our healing the desire to connect again on that level is a progressive stage.
Maybe it is just not your time yet … and that is perfectly okay whatever you choose now or in the future.
Mel xo
Hi I’ve just set up a narc group for lgbtq on meet up. It’s peer support. L
Thank you so much for addressing this topic Melanie and of course Yvette and Nicole for sharing your experience!! Even though I was certain I wasn’t the only gay/lesbian that had experienced a narcissistic relationship I felt a bit alone alone trying to figure out what the hell just happened to the last five years of my life. Thank goodness for resources like Melanie and people who are willing to share their story. (Especially from the gay community….I needed that!) I’ve been deep in research and “self help” from narcissism abuse for the last six months so hearing once again that it often takes every bit of that amount of time and then some is what I needed to be reminded of. The emphasis on focusing on yourself and finding what makes you happy was inspiring!
Michelle
(USA)
Hi Michelle,
You are so welcome, and wonderful that you don’t feel alone – there are many same-sex people I have met in this Community, as there is in everyday life – and narcissism exists in every segment of life.
Yes, don’t feel despondent … self healing is a really important part f recovery – and it is wonderful that you are committed to that.
Th most effective self-recovery is so not about learning everything we can about narcissists!
Very important to understand that and keep the focus on “self”.
Mel xo
Thank you Melanie and Yvette! I am new here and am amazed that just the right topics come up at just the right time for me. I also found this program at just the right time. I’m sure the universe’s influence. Thank you also Nicole and Michelle for sharing your experiences in the LGBT community. I did not know that personality disorders are more prevalent in our community. Wow! I am two months out of an abusive relationship with a narcissistic lesbian. We were together for 7 1/2 years of an on again off again extremely confusing (until now) relationship. I really appreciate Yvette telling her story as I can really relate. My former girlfriend is very charismatic and accomplished in her career as well. She love bombed me and then took control of my life. She would love and adore me one moment and decide I was not showing her enough love, attention, praise, adoration etcetera the next. And so she would abruptly break off our relationship, leaving me a broken mess with zero self esteem wondering each time, what in the world had happened! I wouldn’t hear from her for days or weeks or months but as soon as I had started putting my life back together, there she was, love bombing me again and sucking me back in. I’m so embarrassed to say I fell for it again and again and again. In 2012, she abruptly broke up with me and we were apart for 8 months when she started texting me and begged me to have dinner with her. I reluctantly agreed and slowly again, got sucked back in. But this time was different at least for my children from a previous relationship. I no longer would allow her access to them. She had hurt them, mentally abused them for the last time. She was very subtle in her clever little put downs and mental manipulations. But I am completely horrified when I think about what I allowed into their precious lives. During our last go around, I kept thinking over and over that I could save my children from her, but why could I not save myself?? So now – thank god for this program – I am focusing on me for the first time in my life. I’m healing my inner self and really listening to my inner voice – utterly amazed at the wisdom and love generated from inside me I never knew was there! And I am learning to love and protect my little me just as I finally did for my children. And they are my inspiration. I’m healing me for me but for them as well. I think it will be my best gift to them, to become my most empowered, strongest best me I can be!
I thank everyone here for their inspiring stories. Melanie for putting together an amazing program. And I will let you all know how I am doing on my healing journey.
Thank you,
Susan
Hi Susan,
You are so welcome, that is wonderful that you are in synch with what you need – I love that!
You are so welcome re the NARP Program, and I am so pleased it has led you home to you.
Keep up the great work Susan ..
Bless 🙂
Mel xo
Wow! Thank you! This is exactly what I needed! Amazing article! I had not read about this before! This explains a lot!
Thank you
Pam
opps I just realized I posted my comment on the wrong article! Sorry!
But I am so proud of Yvette!
What you said about the relationship dynamics being the same in same-sex and hetero narcissistic abuse is very true. My friend who is a lesbian made me feel like I wasn’t all alone with all of the feelings of being in such an unbelievably strange situation. I’m a hetero woman. She was the first person I could relate to. The feelings of being so horribly disturbed by someone who can leave but not leave you alone.
Congratulations Yvette. I have only just broken free and changed my numbers and emails to stop my narcissistic ex boyfriend contacting me again. I am about to start Melanie’s program. So I’m not yet in a position to comment. But I’m so happy for you Yvette and I am hopeful of achieving what you have achieved. When I’m a Thriver I will share my story with you also. X
I have been having a hard day. Then, I came upon this article. God really is conspiring for my good to see this at this time.
I was a straight woman who fell in love my lesbian ex-bpd/narc over 2 years ago. I was her third straight woman. That still bends my mind. Anyway, she left me abruptly last spring after the amazing high when she idealized me to the brutalizing lows that came through the devaluation . I went through intense therapy to treat the resulting ptsd and major depression. I finally started to pull out of in December. Prior to that, i was experiencing difficulty managing life on a cognitive level. I hold a professional position where I need to keep on my game. So grateful to have made it through that horrific time.
She became involved with my replacement in May, 2 months after she left me to “be alone to grieve” her ex although I suspect she was involved before she left me. She started calling me in July. Still with the replacement while i have maintained low contact because of a financial situation existing between the two of us and due to my relationship with her mother who died this morning. In the past week, we have had face to face contact where she has mentioned my replacement in positive terms (ie., she has a small butt and she was with her mom at her bedside as she died this am), seeming to throw it in my face as I continue to smile and show no reaction. At the same time, she continues to say she loves me, “dear” (which I choose to believe is as a friend). Almost relieved that our loss this am will result in less contact. I live in a very progressive community with large gblt circle but, in my pain, I have had a difficult time talking about it, especially since I am still close to her family. Her mother asked me to call her 2nd mom. It helped to read this article, provides a sense of less isolation and greater validation. Sorry for the long story. Guess still raw from the passing of a great lady who would have been my mother in law if this disorder would not have played such a horrible role. Guess it’s time for new beginnings. This article and the thought of a gblt support group attached to this area brightened my day. Thank you
How great to see this and can not wait to read and listen to more. I am sitting here tonight looking out the window and feeling the immense emptiness of my life and feel completely immobile. It has been three years since I finally left my (lesbian) relationship with who I believe to be narcissistic and I still feel mangled and drained. The stark difference of who I was and how I felt before her and how I felt now is truly indescribable. I literally have nobody in my life and I wonder if it is a result of feeling weird and afraid. After all, our external life is said to mirror our internal life. I recently published a book that outlined the abuse of this relationship. I thought it would bring some sort of healing or understanding but I still often find myself baffled by the effects. With our codependent tendencies in narcissistic relationships, I literally gave everything. I followed that pattern until I had no resources and have struggled with homelessness and now I struggle to even believe anyone could truly love me, especially in the situation that I find myself in. So I don’t bother. The things she said to me have woven themselves so internally. I experienced a couple relationships…one felt magical and sweet…but after her, the constant questioning of myself is tiring. On top of the fact that being with a narcissist is draining and you can’t pour from an empty cup. I spent a year traveling and was relatively okay and then ended up back in the community she lives in and the impact seems to resound regularly. I never knew that someone could shake so much what once seemed unshakable.
You would know. Your the one that likes to secretly behind their backs keep seeing someone else’s boyfriend whether it turns u on or your just a creep remember to drop an earring because it I don’t know it’s not about me (I don’t know remember asshole) it’s all about your insecurities and a safe familiar dirty cock