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Narcissists are very secretive. They truly enjoy hiding the truth from others because it gives them a sense of superiority.

Internally they think and feel one thing while externally they are trying to convince you of the exact opposite.

They will do what it takes to keep their little, and big, lies from you because they want you to believe who they present to be.

In fact their narcissistic drivers are all agenda-based and are designed to feed the False Self and fictitious character they have created.

Iโ€™ve got lots to share with you on this and Iโ€™m sure youโ€™ll find this Thriver TV truly useful because I go through the main sinister truths narcissists are hiding from you as well as the life remedies to counter them and the healing shifts to eliminate them from your life forever.

Find out exactly what actions to take and how to powerfully target your healings.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today, I want to take you through the things that narcissists hide from you. These are the sinister truths that they don’t want you to know before getting into a relationship with you, because literally if you did know these things, you would never sign up for this.

Importantly, I’m also going to give you the real life remedies to this and the healing shifts for this as well. Okay, let’s check this out.

 

I Donโ€™t Care About You And Your Life

The first thing that a narcissist never wants you to realize is they don’t care about you and your life. They don’t.

A narcissist at the beginning is going to act incredibly interested in you, whether it’s a friendship or whether it’s a work thing or whether it’s an intimate relationship. This is a lie. It’s to get you to believe in them and trust them and let them into your life.

The real truth is actually this, narcissists believe that they’re far superior than you. Only them and their life activities are important, not yours, and in fact anything that you do of substance is a threat to the monstrous, insecure and fragile ego of the narcissist.

The narcissist only wants you focused on their life and their abilities, and not only will the narcissist be ignoring you and minimalizing your life, he or she may start downright sabotaging it and discrediting it and being incredibly pathologically envious about it.

 

The Real Life Remedy

Now, let’s have a look at the real life remedy about how not to get into a relationship with somebody like this, because, of course, narcissists don’t walk around with a T-shirt saying, “I’m a narcissist. Beware.”

When getting to know people, take your time. Get to know somebody’s character before letting them into your hearth, your heart and your home. Do they have a solid enough sense of self to admire and compliment others and recognize other people’s achievements, or is it all about them?

When they’re in a group with other people, can they recognize other people? Can they contribute to the conversations about other people, or do they bring every conversation back to themselves, and I mean after initially wooing you are making it all about you?

How do they operate around others. These are the things that you need to ascertain before letting people into your life on a deeply intimate or harmful potential level.

 

Powerful Healing Shifts

Now I want to talk about the powerful healing shifts and these are going to be very, very helpful for those of you on the NARP program and something to think about for people that aren’t yet using Quanta Healing but really interested in it.

After being in a relationship with a narcissist and experiencing that they’re not interested in you and they’re not interested in your life โ€“ part of the empowering and the necessary self-healing is the going within to heal and reprogram the beliefs.

That means this has been in your life and you’ve had the damage of it, and the beliefs are usually stuff like, “The people I love don’t validate me, they don’t see me, and they don’t support my life.”

This has come from your wishes and self being deemed irrelevant as a child. It was more about somebody else or maybe your parents or another child. It wasn’t about you, and therefore your self didn’t develop into knowing that you and your life are valuable.

That healing from within that you can do in a Quantum way is going to allow you to get out of this trauma and bring a new true self, which will allow the true self beliefs, “The people I love see me, are interested in me and are supportive of me,” as you’ve become to yourself. It shifts everything.

 

You Are An Object And A Tool To Me

Let’s have a look at the second lie about the narcissist and who they present to be and the thing they don’t want you to find out. It’s this. You are an object and a tool to the narcissist. That’s what’s really going on.

The narcissist doesn’t love you. They only love what they can get from you. The narcissist has buried their own True Self. They’ve created a False Self, which is a fictitious character of their identity of who they’d like to be rather than how they really feel about themselves. And they have no ability, because they are a False Self, other than to view other people as cardboard cutouts as well, not as a blood and bone and Soul individual.

The narcissistic drivers are all agenda-based, meaning, “I’m with you to receive a feed for my False Self and my fictitious character, a hit of superiority. I’m with you because it gets me attention because you’re attractive. You’re intelligent. Maybe you’ve got stuff and resources I don’t have. Maybe you can give me sex, which feeds my False Self.โ€

Or, โ€œThrough you, I can gain access to the things that are going to feed my False Self and get me ahead in the world.”

The narcissist at the beginning may be high on the scintillating company you provide for the moment, which allows him or her to escape the inner pool of the demented unresolved wounds that the narcissist is always trying to get superiority from the outside to try to self-medicate away those horrible inner feelings. These are things like money, position, contacts, living arrangements, whatever it is.

Now, here is the really painful part of the narcissist seeing you as a tool and as an object only. This is what’s so hard about it for you. If you are no longer providing exactly what the narcissistโ€™s False Self wants โ€“ which is impossible for the medium or long-term โ€“ the narcissist can discard you and replace you without a second thought as if you never existed, because you were merely a tool and an object.

Also, the narcissist is going to mercilessly attack you, emotionally torture and punish you, if you are not performing the tasks that the narcissist intended you to fulfill. That’s what happens, and I know you’ve experienced it.

 

The Real Life Remedy

Let’s have a look at the real life remedies, so you don’t get hooked up with somebody like this again. You need to be able to have a life and retain your life. I’m going to explain.

You need to be able to say no to somebody who is trying to use you for their agendas. Listen to this, because it’s really important.

If you don’t feel like sex, say no. If you don’t feel like handing over those contacts, say no. If you don’t feel like giving the narcissist the key to your home when you’ve only known them two weeks, say no.

The narcissist is going to start trying to get the payoff. They’re going to get the thing that they’ve intended you to provide for them. They’re going to start harvesting, so this is where you have to trust yourself, and if something feels off, assert a boundary.

They’re going to start maneuvering and demanding. Have your rights and your values that you live by and stick to. Do not drop everything for this person or march to their drum or give in to anything that feels uncomfortable for you.

This is why it is so important for us to heal after narcissistic relationships, to love being in our body and our life and heal up ourselves so that we can have a whole self, so that on our own, we can have a healthy life and know that we value ourselves enough to keep our interests, our missions, and our life going rather than give it all away to be somebody else’s pawn and object and tool.

I promise you no narcissist will stick around for your boundaries and your sensibility, and you’ll know. Or when you bring it forth, they’re going to test you. When you say, “No,” or, “I’m not comfortable with that,” they may try to manipulate you and guilt you out of your boundary to try to monopolize your time and use you as an object, and then you’ve got your answer. You absolutely have your answer if somebody’s not going to respect your “No” and your healthy boundary.

 

Powerful Healing Shifts

The powerful healing shifts for this if you’re a NARPer and you’re working with Quanta Freedom Healing and you’re healing from a narcissistic relationship, I would suggest the following shifts on that trauma in your body of, “if I’m not worthy of being loved for me,” and “I have to earn love and approval from others.”

This is all about conditional love, people using you for their agenda so that you can get love from them. When you free yourself from that, I promise you the relief and the power you will get will be so big that it’s going to lead you to be able to generate relationships where you can actualize and stand in and be recognized for your worth and your lovability for who you are as yourself.

 

I Can Say And Do Whatever I Want

The next thing that the narcissist is desperately trying to hide from you that you don’t know about, what you’ll be signing up to is this, โ€œI can say and do whatever I want.โ€

Now, it’s so incredible how a narcissist is going to hold you to account, meaning that according to them, if you say or do the wrong thing, they’re never going to let you live it down. They’re going to hold it against you forever. They’re never going to get over it, but there’s a complete other set of rules that applies to them.

Now, this is the thing. It’s so big. Narcissists lie. They say whatever they want. They also believe they’re entitled to lie.

They will tell you what you want to hear to shut you up or to get one of their agendas fulfilled. They will stretch the truth. They will omit the truth, and they will completely butcher it if they think it’s going to get them more of what they want โ€“ which is to secure more narcissistic abuse, attention, stuff, and energy from you, or to avoid the accountability of what they are really up to behind the scenes.

Because narcissists lie and they don’t really care what they say, their stories change. The discussion you had last week goes out the window with the conversation you’re having this week. You think you’re losing your mind. The narcissist will even deny they said that, even though you know they did.

If you feel like you need to start recording your conversations to play it back to somebody, you’re in a toxic relationship, and you will catch them out on a lie, and then they’re just going to double down with another lie.

The narcissist will tell you and other people that they’re going to do something for them, and then they don’t even show up. They go missing, they make excuses. They don’t care how it affects people, and maddeningly, if confronted with these, they have an excuse, a justification or a projection, or they’re going to change the topic, or they’ll pull up something about you that you’re not doing, and they start firing bullets.

The real truth is this, the narcissist doesn’t care what they say or do. They’re superior. You or anybody else should be greatly appreciative for anything you received from the narcissist, even if it’s just a passing thought.

Who do other people think they are by holding the narcissist to something that the narcissist has decided not to do? The narcissist doesn’t care who’s left waiting, who gets messed around or who misses out, because it’s all about the narcissist.

โ€œWho do these people think they are to expect the truth from a narcissist, when he or she has no need to give it to them? Why should they want to hold the narcissist to a conversation last week when the narcissist was only saying whatever was necessary to shut that person up? Seriously, who do these people think they are?โ€

I hope you get the picture.

The narcissist also doesn’t believe that they should be held accountable for the disgusting things that come out of their mouth or the horrific acts of vengeance they commit when they are being pushed by somebody for accountability.

โ€œHow dare these people think I should either have to apologize for something I’ve said or done. How dare these people not serve and adore me no matter how I treat them.โ€

Can you see how warped this is? Can you see how the narcissist has such a twisted perception of reality, especially if you so much as say or do something that the narcissist even faintly perceived as disrespectful to them โ€“ it’s off with your head, and you’re never going to be forgiven for it.

 

The Real Life Remedy

So what’s the real life remedy to avoid getting hooked up with somebody like this?

Get to know a person’s character ยญ โ€“ it really is always getting back to this โ€“ before letting them into your body, your bed, your business deal, or your life. Do your due diligence and get to know them at a respectful pace.

Do this person’s actions match their words? What are other relationships like in their life? Do these people know that they can trust and rely on this person? Does this person have consideration, conscience, and care for other people? Do they give of themselves to assist others genuinely and not just for the accolades and the supply?

If you feel something is off or not right, show up, question if you feel like you’re being lied to. Ask for the facts. Do your own research and investigation and do not be embarrassed about your right to the truth. Command it and know if somebody is trying to balk, cover over, not be transparent and smears and attacks you for looking for the truth โ€“ they’ve got something to hide. You have your answer. They are not to be trusted. They’re lying to you.

Your motto needs to be no proof means no truth. How does this person deal with constructive criticism? Can they be humble and apologize genuinely if they slip up, are arrogant, hurtful, or disrespectful or thoughtless to others? Do they care about other people’s needs and feelings?

These are the things you need to ascertain and check out before you commit at a deep inner level to somebody.

 

Powerful Healing Shifts

Let’s have a look at powerful healing shifts that you can do with NARP.

To heal from the betrayal of lies and the torture of narcissistic gaslighting, which is everything we’ve just talked about, I suggest these deep inner healing shifts on the trauma of, “the people I love lie to me, invalidate me and don’t care about me.” Get that up and out of your body and bring in Source and see what changes in your life.

 

I Will Always Blame You

Let’s get into the last big thing that the narcissist is hiding from you. They never want you to know this. It’s this, โ€œI will always blame you.โ€

At the inevitable collapse of a narcissistic relationship and even before it in the devalue stage, the narcissist is going to blame you for all of the problems and all of their unhealed wounds that they are never going to take responsibility for.

At the end of the relationship when you are discarded, you’ll be demonized and smeared to all and sundry. This is how a False Self operates.

At the beginning of the relationship, you are childishly pumped up. Youโ€™re the greatest thing since poached eggs, paraded all over social media and gushed out to family and friends, and probably introduced way too quickly to all of the narcissist’s circles, probably as well as the kids, and you’re probably being thrusted in the face of the previous discarded supply that the narcissist is finished with.

Then as time goes on, of course you start being devalued and then eventually discarded, and you’re going to be put on the rubbish heap with all the other sucked out Souls that the narcissist False Self has thrown into the gutter.

As far as the False Self is concerned, if you’re not great, you’re terrible. There is no in between. There is no Real Self operating within the narcissist, therefore there’s no, self-awareness, there’s no self-responsibility, and therefore it’s all of your fault.

 

The Real Life Remedy

The real life remedy to how do you not get involved with somebody who has the capacity to be like that?

If somebody does not take personal responsibility for their life, then if you can join with them and create a life with them, it’s going to be your head on the chopping block in the future. These are the people that blame everybody else. They play victim.

They’re going to tell you you’re so different from all the others, and you’re going to think, “Oh, well, they’re going to love me even though it didn’t work with the others.” These are people who can’t be humble and real about their issues and their mistakes and their part in it. These are the people who are not committed to inner personal growth and a commitment to be a better self.

Don’t fall for somebody telling you a story about how spiritual they are and how into personal development they are. Check out how they operate in real life in regard to that. Humility and realness are key.

Anger, blame and unresolved issues with people from their past is a strong indication of not taking responsibility for their own wounds, and therefore you could be in for a very toxic and painful relationship. So look out for those things. You want somebody humble and real taking personal responsibility. Absolutely.

 

Powerful Healing Shifts

The powerful healing shifts to heal from horrible discards and scapegoating and being blamed and projected on, and โ€“ they’re going to hate you forever, and it’s always your fault, and you’re never going to get them to change their mind โ€“ I really suggest these deep inner healing shifts on the traumas of, “the people I love blame me, discard me and punish me for their problems.”

Get rid of that stuff. Shift it and the relief will be incredible.

 

In Conclusion

In conclusion, these are the secrets the narcissist has hidden from you, and what it is really about is this โ€ฆ this is the truth, โ€œI never cared about you and your life. You were just an object for me to use to get what I wanted. I said and did what I wanted. You didn’t deal with it. You didn’t serve me adequately, so now I need to get rid of you and blame you for all of the things that I was never prepared to face and sort out within myself.โ€

That’s the truth. That’s it. That’s the truth. Imagine if you knew that from the beginning. You would never have gone there. Now you do know. Now you know how to look out for this.

Even more powerful than that, now you know what to heal within you to break free and never be an inner match for that stuff again.

I want you to know this more than anything. To never again get taken in and down by a False Self, you need to be a True Self. You need to heal yourself, to have a Real Self, which means doing the inner work on your Inner Being, and then you will walk through life never having to deal with this insanity and this Soul destruction ever again.

How myself and so many others achieved that upgrade was with NARP. It is the most powerful way I know to heal our previous painful programs so that we can enter real, true and fulfilling relationships. You can check out NARP by looking at the link that comes up with this video, or have a look at the link in the show notes.

I know that this may have been really difficult to acknowledge and come to terms with, but I want you to know the truth to set you free.

I’m so looking forward to the conversation with you and the comments and your questions below.

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43 thoughts on “The Secrets A Narcissist Will Lose Their Mind Over If You Found Out

  1. I say ‘Thankyou Mel, I’m so grateful’ out loud after ever shift achieved through the Narp module work.
    The relief, freedom & peace I feel after each one still amazes me each time!๐Ÿ˜
    Have been working with modules 1,4,5,8 & 9 repeatedly over the past few days after becoming aware (from a recent dating experience) I had attracted an extremely vindictive & caniving narc into my world.
    The feelings that have come up were very similar to what you describe in this post.. ‘the people I love don’t see or trust who I truely am / are easily turned against me by others with lies & deception’, & ‘I am crucified for things I don’t do / I cannot prove my innocence’.
    I feel grateful for the experience now & know that I’ve come home stronger & wiser than before, & this challenge was sent guiding me to what I need to work further on to heal.
    You often say they are ‘angels in disguise’.. this sure was a huge blessing in disguise & I feel thankful for all this narc has taught me.
    My question is; Should I also be working on the goal setting &/or SH&R modules for beliefs like ‘I deserve to be loved / I am worthy of real love/fair treatment?

    1. Hi Lotus,

      I’m so happy you are doing so well!

      Hun, it’s so up to you! Many people love Goal Setting and it works brilliantly for them. I love S H and R, however, if I feel I don’t get the breakthrough I really want – then I may power it up with a Goal Setting Module as well!

      I hope this helps.

      Keep up the great work and much love to you!

      Mel ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿฆ‹

  2. This was so valuable, especially with the “what” to heal in the Modules. It’s interesting to me, that on a soul level, the “secrets” are things that I had an intuition about, oftentimes throughout my 28 year marriage, but it wasn’t until the end, when we were going through the divorce that they became really apparent. It was more like a “dull ache” of knowing that something wasn’t right, through all those years, but I chose to deny there was a problem-until now! This tool (NARP) has been the Godsend that I have been waiting for. It is helping to catapult me much further along on my journey of healing. This is the remedy for so much pain and anguish! It is wonderful if women can SEE this stuff early and not get roped in!! Thank you, so much Mel, your team, the Forum, and this amazing Help that has come! Love, Jen

  3. Took 30 years of being a tool to find out how mentally twisted my dad is/was. I have a tremendous amount of healing to do, life really does begin at 40 ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. Hi Dominic,

      My ex is the N, and my son who will be 18 in a few months is โ€œunder the illusionโ€ of his dad. I am reaching out to you to ask you if you have any advise.

      I look forward to hearing from you.

      Amy

  4. This was depressing because itโ€™s late in the game for me. 24 years married to pwNPD. I always knew something was wrong but blamed the alcoholism because that was how excused his illness. Terrible psychological abuse. Planned to make me crazy.

    1. I did the same, blamed the alcoholism.
      23 years with mine. Only truly realised who he really was when I left and that the alcoholism was like a smoke screen. Nearly three years later, lots of recovery work and I am getting on with my life. Due to having children together, he is constantly trying to control, devalue me and scare me into thinking that I could lose them and using the legal system to help his cause, but I keep coming back to this programme and no longer allow him to stop me living my life, as he did for so long. Taking my power back, that I kept giving to him. Nearly 50 now, but my age doesn’t matter…I feel young and free.
      Sending loveโค

  5. Thank you!. After watching this video it feels like I was just validated, actually. For me one key point is to accept that the persons in question fundamentally cannot wrap their heads around the process of truly aligning themselves with my view, even on subjects that concerns my human rights. Their train of thought is the only option, although they might vary the wording to fit the occasion. Imagine what scientists were up against way back when they were trying to convince organized religion that the earth was orbiting the sun and not the other way around.

  6. Thank you Melanie!
    It is good to read this again after the email and listening to you earlier on YouTube! It was told to me sometime ago that in order to fully fathom the gist of certain writing one must review it in three different ways! It helps to do that!
    Being blamed for just about everything and to be abused and used in the way that I was was heartbreaking and difficult for me for many years…. Thankfully the heartbreak has lessened since I joined NARP….I am continually reminded through all of your inspirational videos etc. to go within because there is nothing else to do! once again I want to tell you how grateful I am for everything that NARP offers us…..thank you Melanie
    Much love! Peter โค๏ธ๐Ÿฆ‹โค๏ธ

  7. Hi Mel- Thank you for your detailed lesson! So spot on. Two years ago I left the narc. The NARP modules do help a lot and speed up the process because they get to the core (incorrect) beliefs that allowed the narc in my life in the first place. Now I am focusing on being my own best friend and healing my inner wounds and rewriting my core beliefs. I love how Mel explains everything from who the narc is and why we fall for their lies and manipulation- and best of all- to how to heal from it. Huge hugs! <3 Melissa

  8. Thank You! That was difficult to watch and brought me to tears. I am an empath raised by two Narcissistic parents. All of my relationships/marriages have been with Narcissists. Even my three adult children seem to be Narcissists. I have wondered if I was a Narcissist but I don’t believe I am. I am capable of admitting my faults, mistakes and apologizing for my wrongs and poor judgment. I need to heal. I have been invalidated and discarded my entire life. I find I believe I am worthless and undeserving of living or even just undeserving of clean clothes or a clean bed or home. I must stop abusing myself, just because noone ever lived me ir treated me with respect or valued me.

  9. Hi Melanie,

    I did your Narp a few years ago
    I left the narc 2017 only last 12 months 2019 and I then I let him back in to my life
    Then after 15 months of being back with I left
    2020 June
    Both times I left not telling moved all my things without him being on the and didnโ€™t call him before hand ,
    Now after 6 months later Iv gone back now 3 months back
    Which I knew within 2 months I fell for all the he has change
    I even have my own place
    The other times I didnโ€™t
    Iv not stayed or slept at my own place for 3 months
    I know I need to leave I am making my self crazy and torching myself
    I know I just have to do it
    I know this time I can never go back or have any contact with
    I have not told my adult sons which are from my previous marriage and have not given up my home
    I deep down I was watching to see if he had change
    I wish someone or there was a quick fix to sort my brain to switch of the trauma he has done to my brain ..
    Thank you Mel
    !!!deborah

    1. Hey Deborah,
      You have to keep moving ahead and NEVER look back!!! When Sarah looked back at the burning city she turned to salt and dust. Give yourself a chance to become who you really are.
      Get out of hell, burn the bridge and find out who you really are.
      Take NARP into the deepest depths of your heart….give Melanie your hand and go with it!!! Save yourself girl.
      W

    2. Hey Melanie,

      What about a course for narcissists! LOL

      I know it is the very antithesis of their existence, but clearly if someone can wonder if they themselves are a narcissist, there must be grey zones…?

      1. Hi Susan,

        NARP is the course for anyone with internal traumas and a fractured self… any … one.

        Only those who wish to work on their inner being, choose and heal with it.

        Also, most of us who were hurt by narcissists had become and behaved in ways that we were absolutely not proud of. It can be very difficult at times to tell the difference between N’s and their victims.

        ALL dysfunction is to do with internal trauma.

        Hence why NARP works for all … if they are willing to do the inner work.

        Much love

        Mel ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿฆ‹

  10. Whilst all of this makes sense and rings true, I have to say that I am not a serial Narc victim so I’m not sure how much of the healing stuff applies to me. My mother is a narcissist, and I have as little to do with her as possible and live 300 miles away. I see her for the deeply damaged and dislikeable person she is, and have done for years. My only other scrape with a Narc is more recent – I am widowed from a man who was entirely capable of love, and I felt very lonely two years after his death and needed physical contact, in a sexual sense. The Narc spotted me (of course), and my loneliness and pounced. I only ever intended it to be a one night stand. Had I wanted a relationship I would have proceeded with far more caution. However, it turned into 13 months. He did the discard thing 3 months ago because I lost patience with him in the end and called him out for his atrocious behaviour. He got ‘engaged’ to some other poor woman two days later. I have gone strictly NO CONTACT ever since, even though he turned up banging on my windows and begging to see me (I called the police). I think my issues are more to do with grief than being vulnerable to narcissists. I have signed up to NARP, but I don’t see myself as a victim, and I do have self love thanks to my late husband. So I’m not sure how relevant it all is to me. The likelihood of falling for another narcissist is frankly very remote. It wasn’t about him for me, it was about my late husband and just needing sex.

  11. Well it happened again, which is more devastating then the actual relationship. Met a man online after taking a dating class and truly preparing for love. The relationship moved quickly, but he never moved faster than what I wanted or felt in my heart. He opened his family up to me quickly and told me about his past, even on the first date. He truly put it all out there. In 4 months he had proposed and it was fast but I was elated. My kids liked and accepted them, but I started to see a wall in how he began to withhold parts of himself from me. He began replying โ€œI donโ€™t knowโ€ when important issues arose that I needed clarity and direction. After engagement conversations starting getting more intense and the past 2 weeks were extremely difficult. He finally admitted that he had been overlooking things in our relationship and not telling me about all the things he was feeling. Hoping to find relief and thinking he was headed in the same direction, Last Saturday I gave him back the ring and ended the relationship. Relief did not come so last night I went to see him. All in all, he made several mistakes that lead to the downfall of our relationship but is not taking responsibility. Iโ€™m broken-hearted that I have attracted another covert narcissist but grateful I saw it before walking down the aisle. God really protected me and has given me wisdom along the way. Thank you Melanie for continuing to inform the world of the power we can have in understanding and overcoming these toxic relationships. I have followed you for years and youโ€™ve always been a source of truth in my life. Thank you!!

    1. Hi Letitia,
      The Universe is celebrating and dancing with your victory and joyful in your freedom!!!
      These outcomes are the fruits of all our stuggles and tests that push us to the limits.
      The entire NARP community gains strength when a narcissist is dispatched into oblivion.
      Melanie, our strength and anchor…. and all of us in the NARP community celebrate with you…..never look back…push ahead always. You are never alone.
      W.

  12. Thank you Melanie.
    I love your no bulshit approach – “they dont care about you or your life, they dont” – and when i read it i just know in my heart that it is the truth..
    I still, after a year and a half, fall back into thoughts like – was he the good guy, and did i deserve to be treated like this, and when i feel this your articles remind me of the truth, and keep me sane…
    I am so gratefull for having you, who understands how iยดm feeling, and keep pulling me back on my sane track..
    Thank you for beeing a guiding light in an absolute dark time…

  13. My Narc fell all over himself to apologize over the smallest of things – at first – he did the same to his next victim. โ€œAlmost too apologeticโ€ were her words in a court document. I felt the same way – it was a flag if I had listened to my intuition. I assumed he had been put through the ringer by an ex who was easily upset, looking back though the behaviour was over the top and never really did feel genuine. Just wanted to share, these Narcs are so tricky! Thanks for the great insight Melanie.

  14. “I never cared about you and your life. You were just an object for me to use to get what I wanted. I said and did what I wanted. You didn’t deal with it. You didn’t serve me adequately so now I need to get rid of you and blame you for all the things that I was never prepared to face and sort out within myself.” Yes. This softly, even comfortably summarizes their entire repeating cycle, so as to be able to see it in its totality – even at any one point in time – while it plays and plays in its linearity and redundancy. Seeing this as you have expertly reduced it and splayed it out within easy range of focus, and contemplating the predictable elements in it, it now looks to me that there will be even fewer cognitive dissonance surprises. Furthermore, It is perfectly supported by the realization that I have the ability to easily distinguish and DEAL WITH REALITY INSTEAD ( – Which I find that the narst can’t really argue with, since it’s what they’re having trouble doing themselves – ), and this reality discernment and choice naturally validates me, my time and my efforts. The values involved in just dealing with functional, consequential reality are . . . real. This latter realization is what I formulated a while back when I was asked by others at work, for advice regarding feeling mismanaged in specific ways. But the hidden narst manifesto you present above is a specific, much needed purview for meeting the narst challenge factor — which is a ubiquitous one. I believe there is much of importance in it for the soul. Knowing the truth requires knowing the lie. This is part of our “due diligence”, which topic you included in a recent episode. By the way, my continuing thanks for all the due diligence you have accomplished along with your self-healing, not to mention your sharing of it. But i also want to thank you for having communicated that we have our own due diligence to do. For me it has always been a congruent need , proving its factual, peripheral support to the deeper, subconscious “shifting” resulting from the “felt sense” in body-based spiritual self-healing. It has felt good to share and receive of all of these facets, from experience, in this group.

    1. Hi Michman,

      And I really do advocate – much less thinking and more shifting.

      If it feels like rubbish, it is rubbish … and it gets back to simply detaching, healing and making better participation choices (even mentally).

      The real only truth is this … the realisation that the N feeds on our insecurities and our unauthenticated self.

      Therefore the need to evolve and harness our own authentic inner power. Less to work out and more to “be”.

      Much love

      Mel ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿฆ‹

      1. Having identified the apparently warring contradiction based on investigating an obsession to not junk due diligence findings, in the first hand, and the basis of investigating an avoidance of due diligence in the second, I then took it all inside myself to heal this externally observed warring contradiction, toward what it was within me, and since it presented itself in me with an assumption of authenticity while itself wanting to remain inflexible – this also looking suspicious. The following is a quick distillation of that healing session: What was liberated was my traumatically held experience of inability to deal with the following N aggressive imprinting, which you pointed out:
        “They are sprinters, theyโ€™re not stayers. They are also terrified about what youโ€™re just going to discover about them . . . They need to get their prey quickly so that the energy expended is not greater than the food supply gained and how long it takes to get it.” Seriously: great due diligence, Melanie. I would say definitely not rubbish to just be discarded. Rather, I “went primary” with it, as per your own, persistent insistence, and took it in to the quantum process and “shift and be” with it . . . and a frozen piece of my being shifted. I got (thus far) that the part of me that was frozen was in shut down disbelief that I could deal with the reality that “they are sprinters, not stayers, and need to get their prey quickly.” The trough of this wave dragged me in to a deeper liberating realization of being. No need to go into my history with this; enough to say that that it is clear that this predation pattern also includes the aggression to slap the immature prey (me, playing that role) into its own frozen inability to “deal” in this respect. This was the first internal and physical shift out of frozenness. The second one was that my inner soul stream was then able to flow upward and know that (and how) I could indeed “deal with” that predation pattern — as I felt my upper centers drink that upward flow, opening up a higher platform from which to see the entire wilderness event, and with a speed that I did not consider was anywhere accessible, or that it could quickly encompass the predator’s beginning and final moves — including its necessary intent to freeze the prey’s (my) own undiscovered “ability to deal”. Wow. There was nothing left to junk — only a new being-ness to continue to shift into. I will definitely like seeing to that . . . beginning with further physically relaxing that old internal, unconsciously held yet uncomfortably felt stress knot. I hope you’re laughing at me, if not with me, now. Either way, I must thank you, unconditionally.

      2. I’ve moved into a little more of this beingness awareness — inward beyond the “figuring out” — n after the above work of several hours ago. So I should report. And I should fist say that I would have just let this movement of being resurrect itself out of its old tomb whenever good and ready to. And that because of your prodding about it, I am more intently receptive to it. So far, the being of it is not to be more deftly knowing of what the N will do, since something in me finds that prospect redundant and generative of redundance. The being of it is rather to explore embodying the space of it. One, because this wants that itself, and two, because the presence of a more authentic self-expressing seems to inhabit it, calling me as if I am a needed part of it. For right now, it feels good enough that I can hang out with it, in this space of being. Keep in mind here that these are descriptions (and not figurings-out) of inner action. So far, this affords me the luxury of waiting to see how and what things will happen on their own, And it affords a more solid sense of my self as happening on its own. And, of being different, and others’ individuated selfhoods as more deeply appreciated by me because of their own unique content and own internal vanishing point, so to speak — even more so in interaction. More deeply interesting — and, no, not in terms of N supply.

  15. Hi Mel,

    I love that you provided some targeted healing shifts, this really helps. This would be a great tool to add the to NARP resources.

    Much love and Happy Mothers Day
    Amy

  16. Hi Melanie,

    I just left my covert narc husband 2 months ago. I’ve read so much about recovery through the email messages I receive from your website. I can say in each and every topic was a perfect description of my experience, just that I didn’t have the words to express any of it. I was in the relationship for three years and I’m currently in a shelter for women in Germany. I’ve not had any help in finding effective healing and I’m also expected to ‘move on’ as in start a new life, in a new town. I walked out in only the clothes I was wearing and my important documents. Just planning the escape was a huge strain because I had already mentally deteriorated drastically in those 3 years. I was suicidal at some point, because being in a new country I had no idea where nor how to get help. I am totally overwhelmed, confused and feel like a zombie. It’s tough being here because as much as the staff are supportive they don’t realise how damaged I feel inside or how my mind was affected by the very intense psychological abuse cycles that he put me through. It’s almost as though people are more willing or more supportive towards women that have been through physical abuse after all they can see the damage. I find even the smallest of tasks like sorting out a new bank ac, finding a job, canceling my old accounts, buying new clothes etc totally overwhelming. It is in this country almost impossible to get help and especially because I don’t speak enough German to be able to explain my feelings. I would very much like to sign up for the NARP programme but I’ve to sort out finances first. I tried for starters to sign up for the free 16 day recovery course and wasn’t successful because I had already signed up once before but didn’t go through the Programme. My story is quite long and I can not even begin to explain it all yet but I am open to any help that I can get towards recovery.
    I get the feeling that I’m not believed whenever I try to explain any of it, which in turn damages me even more. I have absolutely no one to talk to and therapy isn’t an option for me. The only plus point is that the new town I’m in is so beautiful and going on long nature walks has helped a little. Even though I’m positive about finding a way forward I do need people around me that I can talk to that aren’t suspicious of me or judgemental for that matter.
    Please help!
    PS thank you for everything and especially for all the work that you do to help other people.

    1. Hi Tina,

      I would love to help sponsor you onto NARP to help give you the support that you need.

      I will send a message through to my support team regarding this with your details.

      Please email [email protected] and mention that I have put you forth for immediate sponsorship.

      I hope that this can help you .. a lot.

      Sending you love, strength and healing

      Mel ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ’ž๐Ÿฆ‹

  17. Can you tell me if there is anything anyone can do to help a narcissist? He has physically abused every man or woman heโ€™s been in a relationship with but me. He wonโ€™t hit me. Why? Also Iโ€™ve called him a narcissist before and sent Pinterest quotes to him and he didnโ€™t deny it. Is that normal?

  18. You entered my life at a time when I was at the breaking point of my life. I was in turmoil b/c my boyfriend of seven years was mean and abusive. I could do nothing right and knew nothing In the beginning l was treated very well once in a while he would have loud outbursts in public l am a shy person and this embarrassed me to no end he would flaunt old girlfriends in front of me and if I tried to leave he told me to stop being so insecure and he had a good laugh. Things got worse and he said he was sick of me and my insecurities and my mood swings l felt like a puppet and after he pretended suicidal actions x2 l left and changed my number and a dear friend sent me your videos and l was so shocked l never saw things like this it made sense and l had to let my relationship with my 49yr old go b/c for her whole life she was willful and mean and could manipulate anyone mostly me l raised her 3 children youngest 1 month oldest 5. And a 3yr old. It was hell but l did it. You are so precious to help the crushed souls find a silver lining l probably wrote too much but l feel so much better XoxoCharlene

  19. I really like this format. Now if only you would tie the shifts to modules I would be estatic. Thank you for the focus on my healing shifts, I feel I can do this, thank you for the truth.

  20. The secrets of the narcissist. Oh how I wish I would have known this in my 20s. I knew in my 20s that something was off- with my relationships with others. At that time however, I was a people pleaser all the way. I was a people pleaser who ended up feeling upset when no one was there for me. However, I would just get over it and continue to interact with these people. I just wanted it to be different. I still want these people to love and accept me, even though they never have. And I know it is unlikely they ever will. I am still going to try to go modified contact and see if they can at least hear me out. I could not see it, until now. I had a very invalidating and frankly traumatic experience recently. That is what it took for me to open my eyes to the abusers in my life. I would always make excuses for their actions. I can’t make those excuses anymore. Ok, so on to some healing…. jus wanted to share… still trying to focus on the positive, so happy healing everyone

  21. Hi all, this ex narc wants to destroy my credit and not pay nor release me from a loan only they benefit from. I was always good to them, it’s like punishment for helping them. They now threaten to cause problems if I reach out to their supply of friends to rat out their manipulation on friends. How does NARC help when all I worked for will be destroyed? And I did not one thing to hurt them, just love and support always. Confused and now fear just hit hard and I’m hitting the panic button that they finally revealed their evil to me. Help.

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