Melanie Tonia Evans

Narcissistic Rage Explained

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 39
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans


When you are on the receiving end of narcissistic rage it is SHOCKING, terrifying and confusing.

Do you feel like you are continually walking on broken glass?

And / or are being punished mercilessly for something that you have apparently done?

Find out what narcissistic rage is all about in today’s Thriver TV and discover a way to deal with it if you are the one in the firing line.



Video Transcript

Narcissistic rage can be terrifying. It can be hot or cold – meaning explosive or smouldering.

Either way, you know you are going to feel the repercussions immediately, later, or both. These are horrifying and heartbreaking, and so often seem senseless.

Today, in this video, I want to explain to you what narcissistic rage is, why it gets set off, and how to survive it.

However, firstly, I just want to take this opportunity to say thank you, everyone, who has subscribed to my channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you like this video, please make sure you give this a thumbs up!

Let’s get started.


The Fragile Narcissistic Identity

It can seem unfathomable that narcissists SO easily react with anger, defensiveness, the silent treatment, deliberate neglect, malicious insults and attacks.

These are all acts of narcissistic rage.

But why do they happen on a hair-line trigger? Why do narcissists take umbrage or respond in ways that most adults just wouldn’t?

It’s because their Inner Identity is not grown-up or healthy. Instead, it is severely stunted in emotional childhood immaturity with a False Self overlay.

Because of traumas suffered earlier in life, the narcissist has created a fictitious character as him or herself. Someone who is grandiose, special, above reproach and entitled to preferential treatment.

All of these identity constructs are necessary to protect the narcissist against how he or she really feels about their own Identity – damaged, unworthy and unlovable.

The ‘hair-line trigger’ is any comment, behaviour or action of another that penetrates and cracks this very flimsy False Self veneer.

When the narcissist is high on narcissistic supply and filled up, then he or she is more robust emotionally. Yet, if he or she is low on narcissistic supply and already suffering the bubbling up of their damaged inner Identity, without the self-medication of a feed of superiority from the outside, then the hair-line trigger becomes like a minefield, ready to explode with any wrong step.

It’s at these times that the retaliations of a narcissist, to any perceived emotional threat, is the most active.


Hot and Cold Narcissistic Rage

Hot narcissistic rages usually go off immediately, or very soon after, the apparent violation the narcissist suffered.

This person could be verbally and even physically abusive and threatening. The intensity of a hot narcissistic rage can be terrifying, and even disastrous, to everyone it affects.

Cold narcissistic rages are stealthier, premeditated and planned. Examples are the engineering of abuse by proxy or an elaborate smear campaign against you.

Being the recipient of cold narcissistic rage is the grave experience of being meticulously targeted for revenge. This can be drawn out, incredibly traumatising, insidious and hard to pinpoint and combat.


Hiding and Expressing Narcissistic Rage

Many narcissists are skilled at hiding narcissistic rage when they need to. Their life experience has taught them that allowing their true personality to erupt, or to sulk and be childish, does not procure advantages with new targets or people, who they are trying to actively manipulate or mine.

Narcissistic rages are more commonly unleashed on close intimates, such as family, lovers, spouses and maybe friends or work associates, who are in some way bonded, indebted or dependent on the narcissist.

It can be incredibly frustrating for close intimates to live with narcissistic rage on a regular basis, whilst the narcissist maintains such cordial and charming relationships with others.

In short, narcissists will rage at people who they have hooked to them and who hang around for it. Also, they may continue to attack people who they feel have insulted their False Self, even after separating with them.

Now let’s look at what can trigger narcissistic rage.


Denied Entitlement

The narcissist’s False Self needs to uphold being ‘more special’ than others.

If the narcissist is not the centre of attention when socialising, this can trigger a rage.

So can the narcissist not getting what he or she wants.

The narcissist’s demands, when unmet or denied, even if unreasonable, selfish, inhumane or totally warped, can trigger a rage.

An example could be you not stopping everything to greet the narcissist at the door.

If something or someone else is made a priority, it can bring on a narcissistic rage.

An example of this may be when someone else is ill and requires attention. Or the mentioning of someone else who is special, instead of attributing that title to the narcissist.


If Critiqued Or Questioned

The narcissist’s False Self, within its superior self-construct, is beyond reproach.

Even constructive suggestions to a narcissist can trigger a narcissistic rage.

Certainly, any form of questioning of the narcissist’s decisions, motives, actions or behaviours is stepping on very dangerous territory.

Trying to show or teach a narcissist something, often threatens their sense of superiority and so can trigger a rageful episode.


Made To Be Like Everyone Else

One of the narcissist’s greatest horrors is to not be the omnipotent being that their fictitious character needs to imagine itself as.

The huge gap between feeling ‘super-human’ and like a ‘normal-human’ gets closed with a thud, when the narcissist has to do the mundane, everyday things that every responsible adult does.

Things like: turning up on time, keeping your word, paying your bills and taxes, doing the right thing.

These deeds, unless providing narcissistic supply, are appalling to the narcissist. And if there is pressure enforcing ‘normality’, a terrible ego injury can occur, bringing on a narcissistic rage.


When Confronted

Narcissists absolutely screw up. They break rules and laws and pathologically lie. They cheat, manipulate, violate and abuse, and have no concern for how their actions affect others.

Naturally, people who are suffering the results of this are going to confront the narcissist and try to hold him or her accountable. This is one of the times when narcissistic rage will be the most obvious.

If you try to back a narcissist into a corner, he or she will come out swinging, using a host of out-of-bounds defence mechanisms.

The conscienceless arsenal that the narcissist uses cuts hard and brutally into your psyche, and leaves you feeling like you are being torn to emotional shreds. You feel like you are losing your mind.

Why is the narcissist so disastrous to your health at this time?

Because he or she is trying to switch the blame and is fighting with every available tactic to maintain his or her idolised image.


If Called Out

One of the most sure-fire ways to trigger the narcissist’s rage is to call him or her a narcissist. This never goes well!

If you try to lecture and prescribe to the narcissist about their damaged self, their wounds, their dysregulation and issues, then be prepared to be set upon.

The greatest threat to the narcissist’s False Self is for the charade to be exposed. You are inciting punishment and retaliation when you do this.


Warning Signs and the Flushing Out of Narcissistic Rage

After meeting a narcissist, they will hide the immature narcissistic rage part of themselves from you as long for as they need to.

So how do you pick it? And what are the warning signs?

Generally, it starts by you feeling in your own gut that something is not quite right. It could be a way they looked, a slight reaction, or a few words they said.

I have found that by asking people about their life and other people, delusions of superiority can be noticed. They may talk down about other people. Perhaps when you are out with this person, they treat restaurant staff with disdain.

If something isn’t right, it’s important that you question it. Get to the bottom of it, with solidness, poise and integrity. If you do this, I promise you the narcissist will be rattled and will unravel into defences that are immature and uncalled for. Or they will burst into a narcissistic rage right in front of you.

I share this following example often, because it is such a good one.

Some years ago, when on a date, my date was rubbishing his work colleagues. When he asked me how he thought our date was going, I told him that my values didn’t include talking about people in such a derogatory way.

I said it calmly and clearly without fear.

He then flew into a complete rage. A narcissist was well and truly flushed out, and I was overjoyed that I had dodged a bullet.


If You Are Being Abused With Narcissistic Rage

Narcissists use narcissistic rage to control and manipulate you; to make you acquiesce and do what they want, drop your boundaries and hand over your rights and power to them.

The narcissist is also using you as their dump master to offload their emotional trauma onto – their inadequacies, self-loathing and deranged inner feelings – to try to relieve themselves of them.

It’s vital that you stop trying to combat, fix or change the narcissist.

There is only one true solution to escape narcissistic rage and all the other abusive things that a narcissist does…


Pull away and start taking care of yourself.

For you, this means healing all the fears and inadequacies inside you, which the narcissist has been ripping open and using against you to suck your life-force and keep you hooked.

When you do the RIGHT inner work, you will escape these hooks, breakaway, get well and create your Thriver Life.

You will also render the narcissist powerless in lining you up and continuing to make your life a living hell.

Which is exactly the work that I teach people how to do – it’s my mission in life to help get you there.

If you have had enough of narcissistic rage, don’t wait any longer, come with me and I’ll show you how to break away, heal and become completely impervious to the narcissist’s attacks.

We can do this together in my next Masterclass, which I have just opened up. The last one of these mega healing events had over 7000 attendees, and we had hundreds of emails during and after the masterclass telling us how informative, healing and life-changing it was.

Okay, so to start getting relief, answers and the healing you dearly desire, click this link to the Masterclass.  

And if you want to see more of my videos, please subscribe so that you will be notified as soon as each new one is released. And if you liked this – click like. Also, please share with your communities so that we can help people awaken to these truths.

As always I am greatly looking forward to answering your comments and questions below.


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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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39 Thoughts on Narcissistic Rage Explained
    October 5, 2019

    Thank you for this. I am separated from a malignant covert narcissist. My 12 year-old son lives with him half time, and I’m desperate to give him ways to cope with and respond to these rages that he experiences so often behind closed doors. How can I help my child? Thank you.

    Lin Carnes
    October 5, 2019

    I am leaving to go to California in less than two weeks to attend my 50th high school reunion. Out of the blue a guy I knew in high school friend requested me on Facebook. I accepted and thought no more about it. I was notified every time he “liked” or commented on one of my posts or “shares. Then I noticed someone had Instant Messaged me. Imagine my shock when the person messaging me was this same guy. He accused me of being hateful of gays, that I fell far short of being a Christian. I immediately “unfriended” him and that enraged him even more. Then I went thru all my posts and shares and found foul language and rude comments all over the place from him. I spent quite a bit of time deleting them and knew I had to go one step further as he was still IMing me with more nastiness…..I BLOCKED him. He was obviously looking for Narcissistic Supply by my reactions and I will be around this nasty person for three whole days. Definitely not looking forward to him encroaching on my friends and my personal space. My husband says to not leave or get away from him, but to just ignor him. Would like your thoughts. I have lived for almost 40 years with a narcissitic daughter who we have stopped talking to or seeing because she has already poisoned our granddaughters against me and goes into explosive rages blaming me for her horrible life.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 5, 2019

      Hi Lin,

      Ideally, it is about having no fear of him, and powerfully being yourself. These people are bullies trying for a reaction and a feed from someone reacting to their behavior.

      Is there any security or organizers at the event that if he is abusive that you go and report to them and he gets removed?

      If he just glares or does something else stupid – ignore him as if he doesn’t exist – and have a wonderful time regardless.

      You, as we all do, have the right to an abuse-free life.

      I would check in with organizers before going and just be really calm and factual with them when explaining the situation.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    Jennifer Priebe
    October 5, 2019

    Oh how I wish I understood this 25 years ago! You really nail it Melanie. I never could understand what was going on, but out of the blue, there was always some new off the wall issue he would have with me, either rage or give me the silent treatment so he would rationalize going out, drinking or going on a shopping spree, or some other activity that was inappropriate and painful for me to live through. I did finally kick him out 6 years ago after realizing he was just getting worse, and physical. We have 3 children, so now he does it to the younger 2, as the oldest is “the golden child”, though he is passive aggressive to him. I have gone no contact with him since kicking him out, but he will use whatever contact we have over the kids and has raged at me on various irrational issues about them. He often insults the children and how I have made them against him after he has raged at them and they don’t want to talk to him. For instance, he takes it as a personal affront if they go to birthday parties or sports events during his weekends, not caring at all whatsoever about their little lives. I try to help them understand that it is him, not them, and their extra curricular activities are normal and healthy. I have used many of your insights to handle those situations. Thanks for helping me figure out how to stop the insanity!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 6, 2019

      Hi Jennifer,

      It’s my pleasure and I am so pleased this helped.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    October 5, 2019

    Good morning, Mel! This article really describes in fine detail how much of a chameleon the narc is. Quite a few faces flashed through my mind when reading this. One woman in particular, was expert at hijacking my schedule to fit her needs during the years our girls were growing up (full-time mom v. wanna be executive which meant long hours and travel for her). She creeped my FB page and targeted me/my daughter to be “friends”. In hindsight I can plainly see the agenda in play: that if my daughter was involved in the same activities as her daughter, she could use me to pick up the slack in her life. Our falling out occurred because I called her out. She could only think of me when #’s were important, think home parties ($her benefit$) and the like; or, “payback” (her version of a thank you, which, was a bbq along with a yard full of her kids’ soccer buddies and their families – just stick me/us in somewhere! haha). I “bravely” pointed this out to her in response to a home party invite (“not sure you realize this, but…”) and kindly requested (!) that she remove me from those sorts of invitations; and that, instead, I would rather a one-on-one catch-up lunch with my “friend” (which she always cancelled on me at the last minute). I still have the text thread of her rage fuelled response. It’s a case study in deflection, word salad, blaming and scapegoating. Of course every time since then when I’ve run into common acquaintances they wear an expression of disapproval, etc., turn on heel and ignore, etc., including husbands! In other words she smeared me *big time*. Smear campaigns used to really bother me (injustice). But now I look at them as a validation that I was right (about her) and that all the minions who fall away with the narc are on their own life trajectory that I am no longer part of — that I have evolved *upwards* [from them]! It’s a positive, not a negative! NARP has shown me this and so much more. My wish is for everyone reading this article to sign up for your Masterclass and/or the free trial program you graciously offer. Everyone deserves peace and clarity, and kindness and decent people in their midst. My life isn’t perfect; but, I certainly know what to do now when the apples fall off of the cart!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 6, 2019

      Hi Nicole,

      I am so thrilled that you have evolved and are no longer feeling the trauma of all of this.

      That’s beautiful that NARP has helped you so much.

      Thank you for recommending the masterclass and I’m so excited to take people by the hand and show them a true to heal!

      So many continued blessings to you, Nicole.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

        October 8, 2019

        Thank you, Mel!

        A bit of an epiphany for me I would like to share. I liken the smear campaign/being marginalized to that of being promoted to the next ‘grade’. For example, the narc is the teacher, the minions/supply their students/their classroom. It’s sad to leave our classmates, but it’s so great to be finished “grade 10 math”!! :0) I’ll send them to you if they need tutoring, haha!

    October 5, 2019

    Dear Melanie

    As always, THANK YOU for these posts that keep up the validation of our intuition where we sense something is just off somewhere.

    “Intuition” is really Love speaking to us. Anything that invalidates our being, is caught and stored, but then we need to learn to honor, and defend LOVE which is our core being.

    Identifying the problem consciously is so important as we are waking up to the internal indicators i.e. “intuition” alarms. But then, we still have to know what to do to preserve our Soul in tact.

    The very best defense and guidance I’ve ever had in life for decision making and planning is my strong Self Love.

    This SELF is the True ONE that all of us share. So I do not accept ANY FALSE SELF but rather insist on TRUE SELF, especially that my INDIVIDUAL TRUE SELF expression be validated, recognized and respected in any relationship . (I can only grow my OWN individual expression of Self ).

    So when others – for whatever reason- do not honor or validate my freedom to express Self, and I have identified this omission, I don’t stop to chat with them and explore their issues. I return to LOVE and that LOVE (UNIVERSAL ONE) informs my next steps, thoughts and feelings….not the other person and not the situation at hand.

    I am not “recovered” truly until I have returned to good feeling my identity in LOVE. Not hate. Not victim. Not even survivor. Not anything else.

    My part is to REFUSE to be snuffed out … Refuse to be anything less than free. The NARC experience taught me to give myself permission to act as mySelf and love myself -for the love of LOVE.

    It is empowering to look up to LOVE rather than trying to change human situations or people because when I do look UP, the human picture changes. It just does. I never have to fight for anything but my faith in ONE LOVE ultimately prevailing. Some things we can change, some things will change themselves eventually. I live in complete serenity that this is so.

    Hoping that made sense.
    (You always manage to make crystal clear sense Melanie – and still be totally inspired and not academic. )

      October 6, 2019

      That’s wonderful Iris 🥰 thank you 🙏

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 6, 2019

      Hi Iris,

      it is my pleasure.

      I love the returning to love – for the love of love.

      Beautiful expressions and wisdom Iris, thank you so much for always sharing so generously with our beautiful Community

      Much Love

      Mel 🙏💕💛

      October 7, 2019

      Iris, your post really speaks to me and echoes my own conclusions. I fell in love with therapist. We had to say goodbye after a few months since he was returning to school to complete his doctorate. It was a wrench for me but it was still a healing experience. Freud said that ideally, therapy is “cure by love.” For me this helped to counter the “loveless” atmosphere in home with a narc roomie.

      I am reminded of these lines from Robert Browning which made a big impression on me when I first read, and naturally committed to memory:

      “Teach me, only teach, Love!
      As I ought,
      I will speak thy speech, Love,
      Think thy thought,

      Meet if thou require it,
      Both demands,
      Laying flesh and spirit
      In thy hands.”

      The poem was addressing a lover, but I feel can also be interpreted as addressing the spirit and substance of Love.

      ONE LOVE!

    October 5, 2019

    I have so much experience with the subject of ‘malicious narcissists’, ‘covert narcissists’, ‘antisocial behaviour’, ‘borderline personality disorder’ that I frequently have to step away from it all. I am the middle of three daughters. I am 69. I am so devastated and working on much.
    My mother basically destroyed our entire family. We are all so screwed…except perhaps for myself. I walked away from an upper middle class family at 25…never asked for money or anything. Kept in contact with my father…however my mother had always been an unbelievable problem…i never realized how dangerous and of course no one could or would possibly believe the stories you would share…so you stopped sharing them.
    She died last year at 96 in the middle of a horrific smear campaign against me. Attempting to convince my 2 boys and husband I was horrible 5 times a day sometimes more…that I had stolen her diamonds and she was going to have me arrested. I was no contact so she contacted my sons and husband repeatedly…no one had my back.
    She resorted to mean and nasty letters which I would read and then burn in the driveway. She lived in another state.
    Finally I called after 5 months of this. I left a voicemail asking that she call me because i was going to file an order of harassment against her with the police. I told her I wanted to speak with her before i did this. I said ‘Mom, my father would be so ashamed of you (we were only allowed to call our father ‘her husband’). I told her i was so ashamed of her. That I was the best thing that came out of her womb. She needed to call me”. I made this call at 11am…she died that night in her sleep of a stroke.
    I was a beneficiary of the assets that remained. My younger sister was POA. My younger sister called and told me she was dead. My younger sister said…”you hurt me on purpose with that voice mail…you hurt me deliberately”. I had no idea what she was talking about…and asked what she was referring to. She responded…” saying you were the best thing that came out of her womb…you did that on purpose to hurt me”…confused…I ended the conversation.
    My younger sister stole all the household assets…jewelry…antique furniture…from Russia, Japan, Thailand and China. All the bank accounts. It was a mess. I am a mess. She was illegal and I had to show burden of proof. I didn’t have the money to take her on. Devastated, traumatised and grief stricken…I am healing…it is such a confusing existence.
    These people will eat you up and spit you out and there isn’t a fucking thing you can do about it but somehow let in recede. Just FYI…nope, not a partner, husband…but a mother and sister. Holy shit.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 6, 2019

      Hi Kate,

      you poor thing, my heart goes out to you – what you have been through is devastating.

      Sending you love and healing.

      I’d love to show you how to release the pain so it can recede, please consider joining me in my free masterclass

      Mel 🙏💕💛

      October 12, 2019

      Dear Kate
      Your letter resonated with me too. A lifetime of all the same as you describe from a mother and a sister who both gas lighted me, and a controlling father for me as well. Like you, it was in the lifetime before the internet and information and help, such as with Melanie. And so we had no idea what was really happening.
      I just want to say I hear you, I am with you in your new awareness. I have gone no contact with my sister, whilst my mother is in a care home with dementia. She still has us giving her all the attention, but this time I am able to detach with a loving heart, even though I realise she never loved me, just an extension of herself who had to serve her all my life.
      I will never see or speak with my sister again, and that is actually a relief. Her husband is a flying monkey or an even worse narcissist. I cannot decide which. Yes these people will twist your words, eat you up and spit you out, but think about it. We are able to see things for what they are, and they are forever stuck in their petty mindsets. We truly have the ability to move up and to create a life that is radiant, just as Melanie describes in her birthday message this week. All best wishes to you.

    October 6, 2019

    Hi Melanie,
    I have not checked in for awhile but just wanted you to know the wonderful impact that you have had on my well being.I am once again in the process of detachment and would appreciate all the prayers for one of your thrivers! ; ^ ). I pass on the information about your Quantum Healing process and how it is truly effective, I love your passion and have abundant gratitude towards your life effort -You have dedicated your life to people caught up in this cycle of bondage and I an thankful, HUGS!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 6, 2019

      Hi Michelle,

      thank you for your lovely words.

      Thank you for telling people about NARP!

      So much love to you too!

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    October 6, 2019

    Hi wonder if you would be able to help me please. My 18 year old son I believe is a narcissist. He lives with me but often flies into a rage. I do remain calm and absolutely do not walk on egg shells but the silences are awkward in the house. If he was an intimate partner I would have walked away how do I handle this with it being my son. Thanks Jo

    October 6, 2019

    Mel, Thank you so much for this information. Have you been a fly on the wall at my house? I am 1-1/2 months into the process of a divorce from a 35 year marriage. I never understood why he would get so angry and rage at me. It seems he only had one tool in his toolbox, and that was a sledgehammer.

    The narcissist in my life would rage and then apologize for his bad behavior, then try to do nice things for me, and say nice things about me to me. That kept me on the hook. Also, I felt responsible for setting him off. Probably because he dumped it on me, and I accepted it which kept me on the hook as well.

    Is the rage, apologizing, love bombing, and repeat a typical pattern for a narcissist? He seemed so genuine with his words, but his actions showed differently. It is difficult to reconcile the disparity between the two. It appears from my research that not a lot of narcissists apologize. This keeps me wondering what is going on, and am I the one who is off or crazy?

    May God bless you!

    Cindy Mayer
    October 6, 2019

    My narcissistic boyfriend/husband would rage, verbally attack and even destroy things. I would not say a word. I’d hold back the tears. Take my punishment, apologize profusely for things I didn’t do but strangely believed I was at fault. Here’s the unique part. Every time I’d eventually burst into tears. He would grab me and hold me and breath heavy as he say “I love you baby, tell me you can’t live without me,” I’d think I’d better say it with meaning but sure didn’t feel like it. Then he’d get very passionate and grope me and take my clothes off. It was the only times he seemed connected during sex (bit he never ever kissed me). It was an aphrodisiac to tear me down and feel In Control. Somewhat of a rapist mentally. Different of course but the quality of being sadistic and excited by the fear in the sexual partner coupled with their perception of power and control. I’m repulsed that I tolerated this more than one time. In fact it was for years and he was a professional older man and I am educated at the graduate level in public health and also professional. Not the stereotypical battered wife. It was truly “mindf%#ery” for lack of a better scientific term. I am grateful to Melanie for giving me the life changing info to go no contact and Divorce without warning. I had read many books and articles over the years but something about fairy tale shadows nailed it in ways no other literature had in the past. No wiggle room to give extra credit or a ha pass for their behavior and qualms about zero contact and pushing through any chance to be hoovered. I feel this website and FB page saved my life.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 6, 2019

      Hi Cindy,

      I am so happy for you that you are out and thank goodness my material helped.

      Sending you love and healing.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    October 7, 2019

    Thank you, Melanie! Perfect explanation and exactly describes my 30 year experience with Ex. You are a wonder and a gift. I wonder how my life may have been different if your teachings were available years ago. I was always looking for answers and explanations about why he raged on me, and it’s freeing to know that there’s a name for it: narcissistic rage, and that’s enough. I don’t need to understand it, don’t heed to understand him, and I am allowed to be free of it. I always felt sorry for him and guilty and that I was not loving enough (he told me that) but now I don’t care what he thinks or says or accuses. I’m free!!!!!!!!!!! We all can be free. Thank you dear, Melanie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 7, 2019

      Hi Marie,

      It’s my pleasure.

      I’m so thrilled that you know now that understanding it any more deeply is completely not necessary.

      Yes, we can all be free darling Lady… totally.

      So much love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    October 7, 2019

    It is heartbreaking reading what so many people live through at the hands of another human being…I too am in the process of leaving a porn addict, narcissist. I am kicking myself that i stayed for two decades but his behaviour gradually worsened. It is like I was living in a cocoon for many years. My ‘normal’ slowly changed and I gradually absorbed it and made the best out of it.

    I trusted this man and he was fun although a bit immature when we dated. Now he is an absolute nightmare. The gaslighting, lies, criticizing, anger etc…have become unbearable. The sarcasm is non stop, yet he puts on a happy image when he goes to church. His top priority is keeping up his good reputation on facebook.

    He has put us in financial debt and has become unmotivated with a zero work ethic..but everything is my fault. i shake my head that I have lived like this for so long. I need to quit heaping guilt on myself. I am now moving forward and completing my degree. I will be that happy woman again.

    Appreciate these videos so very much. Thank you Melanie.
    Hugs to you all.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 7, 2019

      Hi Gail,

      Big hugs to you and I’m so pleased you are coming out of the fog, taking back your power and moving forward.

      Much love to you.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    October 8, 2019

    I did confront a narcissist or two by reporting them to their higher ups. I did what I had to. They just wouldn’t leave me alone. Or she just wouldn’t leave me alone. I’m talking 2 of my family members one in particular. I also did what I had to in order to keep others safe. I always knew the one was living a grandiose superior life and I was her dumping ground for her wounded and neglected inner child. What I had to do and did, stopped her. She had no recourse but to face her true inner child self. I did detach myself years ago and hear nothing from them today. I’m still working on myself and discovering a much needed healing from her and their narcissistic abuse. Everything you say is so true and hits the nail on the head. I literally had to fight fire with fire to get her off of my back.

    October 8, 2019

    Dear Melanie,
    Thanks for this article and the constant reminder that we, as victims, need to take immediate responsibility of our recovery. I am still feeling a bit weak in that process, nevertheless I have to remain confident that it has already started as I met you and NARP a couple of months ago and was eye-opening. At this stage, after recognizing my partner as a narcissist, and having started to feel some of the effects of detachment, I cannot go ‘no contact’, as this relationship undermined my capacity to take care of my career, job and economic resources to make this move, while co-parenting two small children and living abroad. When I started to feel a bit stronger and confortable with some degree of psychological independence to address the situation and recover some sort of feeling that I am a person, he had a stroke while in a work trip, shaking even more our lives. He didn’t have any physical consequences and his is quite healthy, and more in the track of finding a way to prevent future episodes. This seemed quite a good outcome, as his situation could have been much worse; but since he is back three weeks ago, he came with a number of claims about what he needed now, as he argues he is being ‘pressured for years by work and family dynamics which he is not willing to repress or keep for himself anymore’. The result of this have been a number of rage attacks in the last ten days, with physical violence which never occurred before, all justified by his impossibility -due to his new health situation- to make an agreement over a domestic matter, take a request or receive criticism. His argument is that- after his stroke- he had a sort of spiritual awakening and now understands what has been making him ill, and that is – among other things- his co-parenting responsibilities, the fact that he is now the bread winner of the family, and how these interfered with his career. The result of these last weeks is that I have been questioning myself again since then, feeling I am going mad, and most importantly, feeling scared of him for the first time in my life, as I cannot believe one word he says when he is apparently calm and loving. I think you for putting some order again to my feelings and thoughts and always remind me that I need to take action in the direction of true healing.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 9, 2019

      Hi Lucy,

      you are so welcome and I send you strength and support in this confusing time.

      Are you in the NARP Forum, reaching out when in need? –

      There is so much support for you there, as well as continued clarity.

      Lots of love to you

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    October 9, 2019

    Melanie, Thank you for your blogs. I have purchased your NARP program. I have a need to analyze Narcs actions and behaviors. Why can’t I let go and let them be? I want to move on from my Narc boss, I have left the job but, still go back and think about why and what was done.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 9, 2019

      Hi Bria,

      its my pleasure!

      It truly is about working the QFH Modules in NARP to let it go.

      It’s the inner work that allows this to happen, its not something that can just be done logically.

      Come into the NARP member’s Forum if you are struggling to do this

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    Carol williams
    October 9, 2019

    Great information, seems as though you told my every day (every morning) every week with a man I moved to a different state with (yeah gets you out to where you know no-one) I have made good friends here that has no idea how he is other than what I tell them. Everything you said above is truth in my life, I’m feeling strong inside bc I believe in who I am. I have learned to stand and I will laugh and call him straight out! Yes very dangerous and things can happen but I take each day with new Mercy and know who I am in Christ. My tolerance is very short at this moment in the relationship but just as many people out in this world – I have to find my own place and move forward for me. Thank you again, glad others understand. #change@ #any #moment 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 9, 2019

      Hi Carol,

      you are very welcome and I send you power, change and healing.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    October 22, 2019

    Hi Melanie , My ex was always very cruel to me & our kids . I’m wondering if you have any advice for me as to how to help my younger son , who is showing traits of narcissism , to heal . He is 18 . Thanks for all you do !!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 22, 2019

      Hi Sandy,

      truly it is so important for us to heal to lead the way for our children, regardless of their situation and issues.

      I can’t emphasise that enough – as I do to all parents.

      Please come into my free webinar to find out more about this –

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕💛

    November 2, 2019

    So glad I came across your blog. I have been with a narc(undiagnosed…but ticks every single box on every site I’ve read up on).,,for 13 years we have two young children. I managed to find the strength to get him to leave 7 years ago..2months apart and he managed to love bomb me back into trying again. Although pretty much immediately the gas lighting began…rages , putting me down I wasn’t worthy to be with him. We moved 6hours away from family for this ‘new start’…luckily I made friends with some really great people..for the first time in my life who genuinely cared about after another 5 years I asked him to leave…he said he didn’t want to be with me anyway…but made a big scene about going and I was ruining the family …I was devastated and traumatised when he actually shock hurt every single emotion…but also had this sense of freedom. He immediately got with a young blonde who was a mum at my daughters school…he was also seeing other young women..making sure my daughter reported back to me what a great time he was having and how he had changed was fun carefree…he would send me abusive messages…I tried no contact as much as I possibly could whilst still arranging for him to see the children…I met someone and had a bit of fun but didn’t trust him ..I felt he was love bombing. I ended it..and then as Xmas got close my ex proclaims he misses me wanted to grow old with me…played in my heart strings…and before I knew he moved back in!…after all the research and knowledge I gained on narcs I went against everything I knew deep down..of course he hasn’t changed!…and now every day is emotional draining….showered with gifts and then have it thrown back in my face…he even said I need to learn how to be a good woman.. That my job as a nurse is pathetic as I don’t earn enough…constant criticism…and then says ‘love you’….he said yesterday he didn’t want to be with me as I don’t agree with everything he says..then phoned me to see how my day was going!….I recognise I have been playing in this dad was a narc and this is what I see as ‘love’ from a man…but I know that it is not….I now need to ask him to leave again…and promise myself and my children that that will finally be that.. I can’t be someone that needs abuse anymore ….please wish me luck…I wish anyone going through this lots of strength ..x

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