Melanie Tonia Evans

A Deeper Look At Idolise, Devalue, Discard – The 3 Phases Of Narcissistic Abuse Part 1

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 32
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

This is the first time I have written an article specifically about this …

And I know it’s really important that I do, because this is one of those things about narcissists that leave people’s head spinning – as much or probably more than any narcissistic behaviours.

When I put this topic to my Facebook Group many people wrote on the thread about what they wanted to know. What was fascinating was, even people who have been in this Community for a long time and who have worked through many wounds, still had unanswered questions.

This three-part cycle – idolisation, devalue, discard – is very, very painful.

How does one get over a betrayal by someone who seemed to “love you like no other”? How can you reconcile cruel acts inflicted on you by someone who takes no responsibility for their maliciousness and total lack of empathy, and then adds insult to injury by projecting the blame onto you?

Because you were initially idolised by this person they won your heart; you thought you could trust them with your heart.  What ends up being horrifying is the person who seemed to be an advocate for your wellbeing, ends up smashing it without any remorse to pieces.

Then you are left feeling like you are dying and may never recover, whilst the narcissist seems totally fine and okay with the demise of the relationship – skipping off into the sunset.

I want to delve into the three narcissist cycles idolisation, devalue and discard deeply; why they happen, and how we end up in the deadly trap that may not just be one series of “stages”; it can be a vicious, ghastly and continual cycle that not only strips us of our life-force, but also dangerously addicts us into even more devastation.

This topic is BIG; there is lots to it, so this is the first of a two part series. In Part 2 I am going to talk about how we can get ourselves out the cycle, and inoculate ourselves against ever getting trapped into it in the future.

 

What Does Idolisation Look Like?

Idolisation is when the narcissist treats you like “the newest shiniest toy”. And this is probably a really apt way to describe it – because idolisation is infatuation. It can look like love, but it is not love – it is obsession.

Obsession it is not an emotional extension of a stable, mature, loving person … rather it is a response from someone who does not have a whole and stable Inner Identity.

Obsession is all about self-medication to avoid the ever gnawing inner feelings of emptiness, aloneness, and being “defective” or “deficient”.

Narcissists need approval and lots of it. They need attention and lots of it.

This is not a mature person showing up, it’s an adult child presenting with unhealed inner wounds that have prevented the narcissist from having a secure sense of self. Leaving him or her with only one option – get that sense of self from “the outside” to continual feed a highly insecure ego that feels worthless and “dead” without attention.

In an intimate partner sense, what better way to get that than a new love relationship where two people seem to be infatuated by each other?

Because in such a phase there are often the gasps of “Ohhhhs” and “Aaaaahs” about each other. How you (new lover) are so much MORE attractive, clever, nicer, decent, sexier, better in bed, more amazing, successful, connected or whatever it is in comparison to the previous lovers before you.

Narcissists are great at convincing themselves of anything that makes them feel “high”. It’s magical childlike thinking … such as “How amazing, attractive and special I am!” and “How amazing, attractive and special my new partner is!”

Co-dependents who get caught up with narcissists don’t tend to apply the magical thinking to themselves, they are more likely to under-value themselves, but they are certainly very capable of over-valuing as narcissists do, their partners.

Yes, narcissists generally choose people with the goodies for “formal” relationships … looks, sexiness, money, deficient boundaries (aka known as “kind natures and struggle to say ‘No’”, which means easy extractions can take place), or whatever it is that bolsters the narcissist’s ego and makes him or her appear more special, envied, prestigious or powerful to the world.

These things to the narcissist are much more important than the person’s soul, true nature and relationship compatibility. A narcissist generally likes what they like (egoic satisfactions).

It should be noted, sexually a narcissist can be notoriously reckless and “not fussy”, but in a relationship sense there will be an egoic payoff, which the narcissist then boosts further, by telling him or herself over and over how AMAZING this new source of supply is.

The greater the narcissist believes the source of supply – the better the narcissist feels.

And naturally because the concept of the new partner is so magnified, it is not sustainable in any shape of form. It is a teetering pedestal made of cards, which inevitably will topple when the wind starts to blow.

For people who fall into this web of “fantasy idolisation”, it is heady, intoxicating and provides highs that are soaring. Love-bombing is the expression used for the idolisation stage.

It is likely that you will be presented with gifts, trips, special thoughtful acts , intense sex and there will be talk about the future and the permanence of your relationship as if you both feel like you have “known each other forever” and “the relationship will be forever.”

This puts people at ease and grants feeling of comfort and even relief that single life is eternally a thing of the past, because finally I have found “the true love of my life.” The love-bombing stage can last a few weeks, months or even more than a year in some cases.

Not only do people report that they have found their soulmate, they also report that this person reveres them like no other and they feel completely supported, understood, admired and loved in ways that no-one else has ever granted.

And what’s more the narcissist will profess to love every part of who you are, what you do and how you do it … and will usually want to join in and be a part of all of that.

This is not a genuine expression of admiration, it’s really more about the narcissist getting on board with the script in his or her head about how perfect and amazing you are.

 

How We Believed We Were Genuinely Loveable and Acceptable

What I really, really believe is so thoroughly intoxicating about the idolisation stage is that finally (usually for the first time) we feel like we have been able to fall in love and acceptance with ourselves.

This is what one Facebook Member wrote, “I look forward to it (the article) Melanie, especially about the idolizing stage. When I think back to the beginning I feel like I fell in love with myself. Is this part of the idolizing stage?”

What is so captivating about the idolisation stage is, we finally accept ourselves as who we are. We finally feel attractive regardless of those few extra pounds or wrinkles. We feel so adored through the narcissist’s proclamations of “unconditional love” that we begin to feel “worthy and valuable” just as we are.

We believe the quest of having to be different, better or prove ourselves in order for people to love us, is over.

We are getting from the narcissist all the feedback that we may have missed out on and craved desperately as children, which continued as a pattern for us as adults.

We feel “whole” and “in love” with ourselves.

But … just like obsession is NOT real love, loving ourselves through the proclamations of another … instead of a genuine connection between us and our own Inner Identity is NOT real.

“Unconditional love” from another is not unconditional. It is in fact terrifyingly precarious if we have not as yet established unconditional love within ourselves.

For two reasons … one … because people can only genuinely reflect back to us the level of love that we have for ourselves. So think about what I am about to say … what this means is if we ARE reliant on it, then it isn’t genuine – because we were not whole to begin with.

And … two … the fact that we are reliant on it means that once it is removed we will be hooked onto this person trying to force them to provide it for us again.

Little did we know that the idolisation (obsession) phase is a drug dealer / drug user set-up of co-dependency.

The narcissist needs your attention (any intense energy that allows the narcissist to know he or she “exists” – also known as “narcissist supply”) and you need the narcissist’s love and approval to relieve you from the pain of not having yet anchored inwards as your own source of love and approval.

The identical idolisation set up can happen if the narcissist has realised that the biggie for you is “security”. Maybe you are emotionally terrified about being able to cope and survive on your own, and the narcissist presents as the big strong shoulders, capable and successful provider, generous carer and sharer and “dependable life-long person” that eases and soothes these inner terrors.

That intense “relief” can feel as heady, intoxicating and “needed” as obsessional love.

And when the narcissist, who laid out the red carpet for you, pulls it out from under you – you feel like you are reeling and may even die.

That is what the next stage of the cycle, “devaluation”, is all about.

 

The Insidious Stage of Devaluation

As a result of the lovebombing phase, you are open and trusting with the narcissist – and even if you don’t realise it yet, your emotional life and wellbeing is in their hands.

The devaluation cycle begins as an over-lap in the idolisation stage, but because you are starry-eyed, loved-up and hooked, the ever so vague initial warning signs may go unnoticed, until they get so big there is no missing them.

Devaluation is known as “red flags”.

And really what it means is that the narcissist’s proclamations of valuing you like no other were not true, and the real evidence of the human value the narcissist really places on you comes forth.

It may be actions or words. It is likely to be both.

Let’s have a look at the actions first …

Actions such as:

  • Having no concern whatsoever for you when you are in a potentially threatening situation.
  • Being unavailable in times of sickness, need and distress, or angered or playing “tit for tat” when you are “in need”.
  • Having a sexual condition (STD), having sex with you and not telling you about it.

There are countless examples, but I think you get the point – the point being your wellbeing and “self” is not valued and revered at all. Your physical health or mortality may even be at risk. These are all big red flags, and after being “so adored” will feel “off”, and “not right”.

You can see a complete list of narcissistic behaviours here.

And so they should, because people who have the ability to care for and respect others don’t behave this way.

However, because we are hooked on the “person who loves us like no other”, it is usual to make excuses and justifications for the behaviour – or choose to sweep it under the rug. The very rug that is getting ripped out centimetre by centimetre from under you.

What we don’t realise, until we start awakening, is that this deadly game is not just one of deception by the narcissist (which every False Self does by the very nature of being a False Self. Think “crocodile” and expecting it to roll over, wag its tail and play fetch) … because there is another side to the tale.

What we are doing is justifying away the red flags and our huge internal GPS screaming at us “danger danger”, because we are too hooked on the narcotic of “getting love and approval or security” and don’t want to risk losing it.

The facts are, by allowing such behaviour to be in our life, whilst justifying the red flags away, we are devaluing ourselves in the trade-off for our drug.

 

The Codependency That Makes Us Susceptible to Abuse

Naturally devaluation doesn’t just happen between a narcissist and a co-dependent lover. It can happen between any narcissist and their target, such as a narcissist and their child.

To help you understand the nature of co-dependency (being a target) as an adult and as a child – I want to first of all explain the following …

My definition of co-dependent is someone who is still trying to source self from outside of self. In many ways this is a complete match up with a narcissist, except for these differences:

  • The narcissist is taken over by a False Self (ego) that has annihilated the True Self beyond resuscitation.
  • Co-dependents can up-level from False Self wounding (ego defences), reinstate their True Self and become whole.
  • The narcissist due to such levels of emotional and mental dysfunction has become pathological, malfunctioning and conscienceless in his or her necessary quest for narcissistic supply.
  • Co-dependents are only capable of acting out inhumanely under severe emotional survival stress (which the narcissist is emotionally undergoing constantly).
  • When a narcissist acts out without consideration for others, he or she will not be capable of comprehending the misdeed, or taking moral responsibility, or being remorseful for the wrong doing (unless feigned).
  • If the co-dependent acts out outside their normal functioning of integrity, he or she will tend towards being genuinely deeply disturbed and remorseful about their actions as soon as they are past the chemical unconsciousness of the survival stress.

The reason I am allowing you a deeper understanding of co-dependency is to let you know co-dependents are NOT conscienceless people – they are simply people who are precarious to narcissists because they have not as yet been able to develop a solid enough sense of self to be impervious to them.

This goes for ANY child targeted by a narcissistic family member, because all children are dependent on outside sources to build (program) their Inner Being. The same goes for wounded adult children, who had childhoods that did not allow them to develop a solid sense of self-worth, self-love, self-approval and effective self-soothing.

The narcissist plays on these “gaps” in the devaluation game by offering up all the idolisation necessary to “fill the gaps”. This means you will be hooked to the narcissist in unhealthy ways for the love, approval and / or security that feels missing on the inside, and then the narcissist will attack the very gaps that he or she has seemed to fill.

Most narcissistic devaluation has good smatterings of idolisation thrown in there as well, and this is what is meant by rolling out the red carpet for you, you standing on it feeling like you’re on top of the world, and then getting the rug ripped away leaving you on the ground … broken and devastated.

As one Facebook Member wrote: “I would love to know the subtle process of the devaluing phase as I would like to put words to exactly how my father (sociopath) actually did it. I saw what he did to my mother but he idolized me at the same time as destroying any real self worth … I am just beginning to unravel the devaluing dressed in charm.”

The “devaluing dressed in charm” is not obvious; at first the rug might just get a bit of a “flick” to start unbalancing you.

As another Facebook Member wrote: “I bet you have some insight into how the N devalues in a clandestine way, so that we feel blindsided. I would really appreciate your insight.”

I certainly hope I can explain this … the process of “hook and hurt”. And it is always around your biggest unconscious fears. This is how it goes: give you or tell you what you want to hear, in order to feel bonded to this person in an “I need you in my life” way, and then be so attached that they can hurt you profoundly and control you by using your greatest fears against you.

Devaluing happens through Trauma Bonding. If bonding didn’t happen you wouldn’t hang around for the intensifying punishment. When you understand the phenomenon of trauma bonding you can start to realise why hostages can feel like they have fallen in love with their captors. Because this captor has the power to relieve the terror of “I going to die” with “Yes, you can live today”.

The fact that the captor caused the terror in the first place is irrelevant. When we feel powerless and another adult becomes our source of life-force for good and bad we have unconsciously become a child bonded to a supposed all-supreme role model who we have handed our power over to and assigned as our parent.

The phenomenon that is the spasmodic “relief chemicals” can attach and addict us.

The relief is such a high that it feels like “love”.

The narcissist has identified, targeted and attacked your gaps (greatest insecurities), and then appears to be the saviour of those gaping, bleeding wounds by providing the intense “relief” of giving you what “you need” to feel better.

An example of an adult in an intimate relationship would be something like this: “You are pretty average in physique compared to most people your age. I think you would look younger if you worked out,” (devaluation) and then later saying, “You have a totally hot body, I can’t keep my hands off you” (idolisation).

Someone with body image issues would be very susceptible to these cycles of devaluation and idolisation … losing self-esteem with the devaluing messages and getting more and more dependent on the narcissist for the idolizing that momentarily provides relief from the poor self-image.

What is “clandestine” about it to us, is much more obviously “not okay” to people who didn’t have the wounds (gaps) that the narcissist hooks and hurts us with.

It’s so important to understand that when we are regressing back emotionally into a childhood wound, we are unconscious. We are likely to put up with all sorts of behaviours, because we are totally clueless as to what is really going on. This seems unfathomable to other people as they stand watching from the sidelines, shaking their heads at us.

The only reason that the abuse is obvious to them is because they are not wounded on that topic.

But when we are … we ignore gut feelings because we don’t as yet listen to or trust our Inner Being, and the cognitive comprehension that we have on that topic is likely to be at the age level that the wound was generated at in the first place.

We may literally be in an adult body showing up as the emotional age of a 3 year old – who feels powerless to comprehend how we are being diminished, or be able to pull away and look after ourselves.

We are more likely to do what a 3 year old would do. Take on feeling like we are wrong and to blame for what is happening to us.

Now let’s look at what happens in a “hook and hurt” scenario with a narcissistic parent and a child. An example would be something like this, “Mummy loves you – you are my favourite, special, beautiful child.” (idolisation) and then threatening, “You are such a bad child – I don’t want to be your Mother anymore.”(devaluing).

It’s important to understand that the narcissist is playing on gaps that are already there … as a child these gaps were inherent, we hadn’t yet developed a sense of self, and our wounds are likely to be replays of the insecurities and traumas and unconscious parenting of our earlier generations that have been passed on and played out by our parents, as well as their parents.

Epigenetics now proves that much of this (painful and traumatic self-identity programs) were passed on to us through our DNA and we were born with these traumas which were then amplified with the identical unconscious parenting – which then we continue to play out with others as adults.

But does this mean we are stuck with this trauma being in repeat for the rest of our lives – such as being hooked into “love figures” idolising and then devaluing us?

Or is there a way out?

One Facebook Member wrote this: “My N is enjoying his devaluing so much he’ll never discard – unfortunately! Why am I still here? Melanie, in such weird setups, is there a way to escape from the dungeon? Or is it best to change my name to the Count of Monte Cristo and write a novel after forty years of captivity?”

It is my deepest wish that this Member and others who read this blog realises there is a way out – it takes effort – but it can be done. I will go into more specifics regarding “how to” in Part 2 next week …

For anyone feeling deeply stuck in this cycle that hasn’t join me in the 3 Keys to Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Webinar, I strongly suggest you sign up.

But first let me explain the dynamic.

 This we need to understand – the child and wounded adult child being devalued by a narcissist have the same problem – a not as yet healed and developed Inner Identity.

As a child, yes we truly are powerless, but as adults we certainly aren’t – and the fact that the origin of the gap is in our body (regardless of who passed it on to us) and non-reliant of what any narcissist is or isn’t doing, is incredibly empowering … because we CAN take our power back by healing it and closing it.

And when we do, there will be NOTHING to hook us, reel us in, diminish our self-esteem, and render us helpless and dependent with anymore … because we are no longer needy for this “thing” (love, approval or security) from outside ourselves.

We have become a source of those previous “gaps” to ourselves.

 

Verbal Devaluing

The words, as well as the actions of the narcissist, are a significant devaluing weapon constructed to make you doubt yourself, strip self-esteem, confuse you and make you more dependent on the narcissist and less capable of standing up to or leaving the narcissist. Therefore not being able to pose as a threat to the narcissist’s precarious emotional inner landscape.

There are so many ways the narcissist can verbally devalue you – in fact the very dis-ease of narcissism provides devaluation as part of the course. A precarious False Self resting on a hairline trigger that could set off a narcissistic injury (a perceived attack to the ego), is always going to lash out and project the pain onto someone else.

This is especially likely and in fact inevitable when the gloss of the over-valuing of you starts to wear out and real life emerges. It is also likely that you have started questioning, speaking up, and trying to assert your rights.

The narcissist perceives this as a literal threat of annihilation to his highly insecure False Self. As far as the narcissist is concerned you are an “all” or “nothing” proposition.  You either feed the False Self adequately – or you deserve punishment.  Naturally, a trauma bonded and dependent target ensnared by a narcissist is highly susceptible to verbal devaluation.

Such as:

  • Insults
  • Gaslighting
  • Threatening abandonment (verbally or physically)
  • Withholding information, affection or sex
  • Demanding entitlement to information, affection or sex
  • Projecting blame
  • Accusations

(For a wider list of narcissistic behaviours that all fit under the banner of “devaluation” please see my article “Are You With A Narcissist”).

What is deeply important to understand is that the narcissist will tailor the abuse to your “gaps”.

Different narcissists act out completely different ways to devalue with different people. One narcissist may throw other women in his partner’s face – because that is what her “gap” is about – “I’m not good enough and another woman will replace me”, and yet the same narcissist may just disappear and be out of contact with another woman whose “fear of abandonment” programs run deep.

He would not throw other women in the second woman’s woman’s face because she would never tolerate that and would leave him. Instinctively he knows that is not her “gap” to play with.

Here is a powerful truth: We will never tolerate unwholesome and terrible behaviours in our life that we don’t have unwholesome and terrible wounding on.

And there lies our total key to getting out of the trauma cycles of being devalued – heal the gaps that we are being devalued on.

 

The Discard Phase

The narcissist discards you when your usefulness has run out. There is only one reason you were ever in the narcissist’s life – which was to provide “attention”. The energy that allows the narcissist to self-regulate his or her fragile and precarious False Self.

And if the “attention” you are providing is not good enough quality for the narcissist anymore, or if you have threatened the False Self in such a way that undermines the narcissist’s fabricated image, he or she may cease all investment in you and begin the quest to secure another source of better grade narcissistic supply.

Or maybe, a better narcissistic supply option has presented, and the narcissist suddenly removed him or herself to enmesh with the “newest shiniest toy”.

If you have incited the narcissist’s wrath (and many people do simply by trying to defend their own rights) the narcissist may discard you, turn you into “the enemy” and set out to tear your life apart piece by piece.

The discard phase is the last part of the cycle – but it may not be the end of the relationship. The narcissist may not discard permanently … in fact many often don’t, and that depends largely on what the person who has been discarded has running as painful insecurities (gaps).

If a narcissist discards you and knows that letting go and abandoning you hurts you intensely, then a narcissist may be very likely to stay away. He or she is getting the narcissistic supply (satisfaction) that this is really hurting you.

A narcissist knowing that someone else is in severe emotional pain over them, gains a great deal of significance. It goes like this, “If I can affect someone powerfully emotionally – it confirms how special I am.”

What it is really doing is confirming to the narcissistic that he or she EXISTS. The narcissist is the walking “empty soul” that is NOT real and full – so temporary highs of feeling “valid” are greatly valued and sought.

So, especially, if the narcissist is receiving feedback that you are severely affected by his or her departure, and you try to contact or make contact with others who know the narcissist, stalk or do the things that the narcissist knows about … he or she will love keeping it up to hear how hurt you are.

And creepily even if you just energetically emotionally hurt without creating any physical evidence … then still at a subconscious level the narcissist feels it, remains “fed” and will keep doing whatever provides “the feed” – which in this case is staying away.

People ask me all the time, “Why is the narcissist not hoovering and staying away from me?”

This is the answer … and the very fact people are asking, means they have not come to terms with it and are playing out their young wounds of feeling unlovable, not important, not valued and abandoned, that are still deep wounds from childhood.

The narcissist, in this case, as an A.I.D in your life (Angel in Disguise as a Narcissist) is smashing your greatest emotional wounds open, so that finally the submerged subconscious can emerge, become conscious and be healed.

And naturally this only happens when we stop trying to force the narcissist to be responsible for healing these wounds, and instead break away from the narcissist, go inwards, self-partner, meet ourselves and heal them ourselves. (More about this in Part 2).

People that DO heal these wounds are relieved (after the self-work) to be left alone by the narcissist, and never want them in their life again. They have evolved beyond whatever wounds it was that was hooking them to the narcissist … and then the narcissist then becomes No Longer Their Reality

This is what the Thriver Recovery Model is all about.

 

Our Lives Dish Up the Pain Until We Learn What We Need to Learn From it

Why would a narcissist discard, and then start the cycles of idolising again?

At a human level we could think “We were trying again”, “Maybe he or she is coming to his / her senses? But what we experience in toxic relationships is the same issues … and the issues intensifying in drama and frequency.

What is really happening is two wounded children in adult bodies are trying to hold the other person responsible for their wounds. We may think the narcissist is the all-powerful in-charge person (adult) hurting us – but the very opposite is true – the narcissist is never going to face his or her wounds and grow up.

But we can.

And when we do, we evolve ourselves beyond needing to play out these relationships anymore.

When you are still hooked in by your wounds, you are susceptible. The narcissist knows you are available as narcissistic supply and can take up with you again.

Because you became precarious supply or the narcissist had already broken away from you, it is very likely that there are now other sources of supply on the scene. These may be momentarily low or the narcissist like any addict is simply being greedy for supply (more is best), or you may be being used as a tool to punish the current partner.

If you have been discarded by a narcissistic parent (or any other person) you may be recruited again for the agenda of doing some task for this person that they don’t want to do themselves, or used to replace some other person who has walked away, or for some other unwholesome reason – such as: an ego feed to see if you can be drawn back in again.

The cycle of violence and the cycles of idolisation, devalue and discard go hand in hand .

This is the parallel …

Reunite (Cycle of Violence) / Idolisation (Cycle of IDD)  – Tension builds (Cycle of Violence) / Devalue (Cycle of IDD) – Act of violence (Cycle of Violence) / Discard (Cycle of IDD).

This cycle can repeat many times – and it is no compliment if it does, because it gets more dangerous and more frequent every time it does.

This is NOT about being “truly loved” or the “narcissist coming to their senses”.

And we get so empty and stripped of self that we may hang on for any crumb from the other person to try to make our terror, anguish, emptiness and panic go away – while the damage and the pain just gets worse and worse.

Life has a way of turning up the volume trying to evict us out of situations that we are not learning our lessons from – so that we can be alone and assimilate and heal those lessons.

If we don’t “get it” the torture intensifies.

In Part 2 we deeply investigate more about the 3 cycles and how that ties in with other sources of narcissistic supply. As well as the true reasons as to why the narcissist does what he or she does and how to heal from being caught up in the 3 cycles.

 

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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151 Thoughts on A Deeper Look At Idolise, Devalue, Discard – The 3 Phases Of Narcissistic Abuse Part 1
  • Angelsone@sbcglobal.net'
    Dorothy
    February 19, 2016

    Thank you. I appear to be experiencing this currently. This is so appropriate that it is almost uncanny the timing of my reading it. I will spend more time of the module 1 again.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 19, 2016

      Hi Dorothy,

      you are very welcome, and I so hope it helped!

      Keep healing dear lady.

      Mel xo

      • clarkch5@hotmail.com'
        Resilient
        February 23, 2016

        Hi Melanie,

        A big THANK YOU (and HUGS) for this post and all others. They continue to be a source of relief because they resonate Truth, and have validated my experiences.

        This validation is healing because they intercept the Crazy Making experiences and thinking I was buying into. These posts have helped me to Snap Out Of The Trance, and to be aware of the fact I was even in one in the first place!

        One question I have for you, that seems to have Relevance during the devaluation phase, is:

        If the N truly believes they’ve been injured by their love partner for a particular action/inaction, why then, does the N need to lie about or embellish this action to others during smearing campaigns that occur in the devaluation stage? Feels like on some level, the N must have a deep knowing that the perceived umbrage is Not That Bad, otherwise, they would be able to smear with truth, rather than lies. Please shed some LIGHT (as you do so well). 😉

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 23, 2016

          Hi Resilient,

          you are so welcome.

          For the answer – imagine an angry 5 year old ..

          What do they do?

          They feel “wronged” and they exaggerate, embellish and lie in order to get people on their side.

          The emotional maturity of a narcissist is stunted back to “the injured child” … it truly is as simple as that.

          I hope that answers the question for you.

          Mel xo

      • Nickyconneely@hotmail.com'
        Nick
        February 29, 2016

        Hi Melanie
        Before I start reading these points, can I just say thank you again.
        Also I’m slipping… Lisa my wife is progressing looking hotter I’m worse. I’m fascinated by her every move is this normal even though I know she was unfaithful but will lie until evidence is shown.
        She’s drawing me back in. I’ve been offered the flight money home should I run for the hills???
        Regards
        Nick

    • Lana_L@iname.com'
      Lana
      February 20, 2016

      Same here! Fortunately, I was able to be Aware of my childhood traumas & how it came up for me with this person & not be emotionally attached to them. I can see how I do genuinely love myself through years of self-work with my yoga & meditation.
      It’s a shame I can also see the same in the other person but I’m only able to be responsible for myself.
      Thank you for this timely article because I am Divinely guided & blessed to receive this last piece to seeing the situatiyfully for what it is!
      🙏🏻🤗🌟

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        February 23, 2016

        Hi Lana,

        my pleasure, and how wonderful you were able to let go and healthily take responsibility for the only person you can ..

        You.

        Bless you dear lady.

        Mel xo

  • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
    stephen
    February 19, 2016

    My ex narc went through the idealization stage that lasted about 2 years. She smothered me with attention, fed me grapes one by one like a Roman slave. She wouldn’t let me have any breathing space and sometimes I just needed time alone and she took that very personally. After the 2 year “honeymoon phase” she realized that I was human like everybody else and she could not accept that. She kept trying to force me to match the god of her imagination.

    None could never please her. From then on it was constant devaluation, gaslighting and lies. Once our children reached puberty she then was relentless in the devaluation, bizarre accusations and not allowing any of us a moment of peace.

    On the outside she looked like the ideal soccer mom, but within the home we all cringed whenever she approached any of us. My son would ask whenever his mother approached him, “Now, what did I do?”. I said that one time and she fell to her knees screaming, beating herself, threatening suicide and then was sick in bed for 7 days. (always had the same pattern.)

    The central issue of the family and our full time job was to appease and please her, nothing else was important.

  • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
    stephen
    February 19, 2016

    My ex narc went through the idealization stage that lasted about 2 years. She smothered me with attention, fed me grapes one by one like a Roman slave. She wouldn’t let me have any breathing space and sometimes I just needed time alone and she took that very personally. After the 2 year “honeymoon phase” she realized that I was human like everybody else and she could not accept that. She kept trying to force me to match the god of her imagination.

    None could ever please her. From then on it was constant devaluation, gaslighting and lies. Once our children reached puberty she then was relentless in the devaluation, bizarre accusations and not allowing any of us a moment of peace.

    On the outside she looked like the ideal soccer mom, but within the home we all cringed whenever she approached any of us. My son would ask whenever his mother approached him, “Now, what did I do?”. I said that one time and she fell to her knees screaming, beating herself, threatening suicide and then was sick in bed for 7 days. (always had the same pattern.)

    The central issue of the family and our full time job was to appease and please her, nothing else was important.

  • jackiemorrisontv@yahoo.com'
    Jackie
    February 19, 2016

    Is there a way to cut off the N’s ability to sense your feelings of abandonment? If you leave no trace of physical evidence? Or do you just keep healing and just be with the emotional upset until it’s over and never mind that they can sense it or not.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 19, 2016

      Hi Jackie,

      there is only one true way … evolve ourselves beyond having those feelings – which means going inside ourselves to meet and heal those wounds.

      This really is not about “them” – its about healing us.

      Come into one of my 3 Keys Groups Jackie, and profoundly I promise you will learn how to free yourself from abandonment wounds.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

  • ivatijan@gmail.com'
    Bondon
    February 19, 2016

    I love that analogy you wrote in a past blog article, I think it is from Don Miguel, where there are two persons, one has a kitchen full of food the other has next to none. When the proverbial delivery guy comes knocking with offerings of the finest foods imaginable, the person with the stocked-up kitchen can either take it or leave it as they have no urgent need, whereas the starving person will jump at any opportunity to get a crumb. If I understood correctly, this is an analogy of generating and holding the vibration of self-love. The person who nurtures self-love will always have the wherewithal to generate from within, the person who as yet has not learned to self-love and self-soothe will always jump at the opportunity to *get* love and/or self-soothing from any available outside source.

    All your articles are truly an uplifting experience, as one does not merely read your writing, one experiences a shift in perception while reading. Thank you.

    • Angelsone@sbcglobal.net'
      Dorothy
      February 19, 2016

      Bondon, that is what I experienced as well. There are no words to describe even just reading the material in various posts and blogs. It is brilliant. For me I believe just being able to relate is the gift that moves everything inside. I know I have walked away from so much over the last 3 1/2 months. I reached out to my Narp after almost 6 weeks of no contact when I went through something very difficult. I did not respond to a text one night. It was the first time I did not respond to him since I met him almost 22 years ago. We have had an intermittent connection over these years. I held onto hope. It was because I knew that I would only find another man just like him; so I held onto this one. It was “safe”. He simply did to attempt to contact me. When I sent the text, immediately in my gut I felt revulsion. Perhaps it was more for myself for reaching out to a dry well looking for water. For 7 years a trauma therapist tried to do what is happening inside of me in just the short time since I found this program. I hung onto crumbs and was not vibrating self-love. Instead I was vibrating the need to be loved outside of me and the fear of annihilation if I completely let got. I had some serious abandonment issues and as well as attachment problems making me a prime and perfect match for this personality type. I am seeing results in other areas. People outside of me have always seen it and wish I could move away. But it is an addictive process. I look forward to be receptive to genuine love, even if it has to just come from myself at this time.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 19, 2016

      Hi Bondon,

      I adore that Don Miquez story so much because it powerfully highlights love from “fullness” or love from “emptiness”.

      There is a huge difference …

      Thank you for your lovely comment, and I am so pleased you are having that shift!

      Mel xo

    • shs44@live.com'
      Sandra
      February 19, 2016

      Love this analogy, so perfect xx

  • girl_tuesday27@yahoo.com'
    JarWithAHeavyLid
    February 19, 2016

    I was devalued (and perhaps discarded – for now), by the N when 6 months pregnant. Yesterday he got in touch with a judge to ask the judge if he could appear by telephone to our paternity test and illogically wrote in the email ‘Oh, I’m going to get the paternity test, as advised by Child Support.’ *bangs head on the table*

    But I googled ‘narcissism’ and ‘convenience’, because I realised that everything needs to be convenient to him (and my pregnancy was not). And I found a very interesting blog that explained narcissistic convenience. It explains all the contradictions too.

    http://lorenzo-thinkingoutaloud.blogspot.com.au/2009/12/understanding-narcissism.html

    This is why I said ‘for now’. If his wife ever leaves him, I’m sure to become ‘convenient’ again. He’ll be sorely disappointed, though.

  • annakulpa@hotmail.com'
    Ania
    February 19, 2016

    Still wondering if the NARP programme is for me – I think I’ve usually skipped the idolisation stage and from the first date been devalued. Also still really scared reading this, that I’m actually the narcissistic one 🙁

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 19, 2016

      Hi Ania,

      the truth is for anyone, that if we wish to admit that we have inner trauma and childhood wounds and are willing to unconditionally meet ourselves on the inside to do the work – we can heal.

      All co-dependents at the very least have some narcissistic tendencies – because unconsciousness is unconsciousness … it is survival programs that snap people off from Unity Consciousness and go into defences that shut others out and can harm them.

      If you wish to heal – then yes NARP is your answer – because it meets the traumas within and shifts them out of your body – which allows the True Self to come back to life.

      If that is your orientation and dedicated self-mission – you can heal.

      I hope that helps.

      Mel xo

      • annakulpa@hotmail.com'
        Ania
        February 21, 2016

        Thank you

  • anders@gnabb.se'
    Anders
    February 19, 2016

    Hi, Melanie.
    Question:
    If we take a few steps back, and ask us what a “normal” (whatever that is) relationship looks like, what are the similarities?
    Healthy people fall in love too, and express this initially with acts involving sex, cute notes, romance etc. Eventually this stage falters (i guess?) and life becomes “normal” again. How does it differ from the devalue stage?
    And finally, even normal divorces tend all to be somewhat bad. Again – what i normal and what is not?

    As a vicitim of some horrendous acts from my ex, I talk from experience nad i know all about the three stages you describe. But, since accusing someone of being a narcissist is very popular and a trending term, i would want to look at it from a unbiased, analytical perspective.

    Thanks,
    Anders

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 19, 2016

      Hi Anders,

      this is a fantastic question – and one that I hoped someone would ask!

      You are 100% right “normal” relationships can have the exact three stages – just with some slight differences … mainly being that NPD behaviours generally fall under most if not all of the following category of acts – malicious, criminal, adulterous and pathological with zero accountability unless feigned.

      However …. most relationships are “unconscious”. People used to stay together because it was “the done thing” and for “survival”. Now that is not a necessity.

      Were those relationships back then that lasted “conscious” and about “true unity” ? In many cases … probably not …

      Now relationships often don’t survive, and shouldn’t just for the sake of “survival” either … But what does happen for sure is people get chemically carried away – fall into beliefs of “romance” .. go way to fast, get in bed too quick, move in far too early and don’t lay healthy solid foundations to BUILD a relationship.

      Which takes real work, healthy communication, care, trust, respect and shared values – and above all authenticity …

      Ironically all of those things create much better sex and connection than swinging off the chandeliers! (Plus it can last a lifetime instead of be a short term fizzle out).

      ALL the programming and conditioning in movies, novels, TV, fairytales is the “instant” model, so it’s no wonder it is adopted … So then what happens is “heady love pedestals” are erected …

      Then real life hits and the romantic “dreams and fluff” go out the window. Then one person blames the other and vice versa .. “You don’t make me feel as good as you did!” Which really means “You are no longer distracting me from my own inner wounds that I haven’t cleaned up yet …” rather than taking the responsibility to do the work on themselves to see what they are generating within the relationship.

      And also at the start of the relationship people are on their best behaviour – then they get comfortable, then they let their guards down, and the other person sees them “as they are”.

      Was that what they signed up for? Probably not.

      For example they met a happy, progressive individual who is actually constantly complaining about their life and depressed.

      What to do?

      This is where authenticity comes into it – being honest about what we need, being able to communicate and have difficult conversations – whilst taking responsibility for self – and also seeing if the other person will also be in a constant state of evolving themselves to be the best person they can be – as THEIR life orientation.

      And if they are not then there will be no growth – and the people who want “always wonderful” and are not willing to do the work will either blame or run .. (is that narcissistic or just unconscious?)

      I believe the label “narcissistic” should relate to NPD behaviors – however – people can in certain areas of their life (the very unconscious parts) act “narcissistically”. Essentially where there is zero comprehension or accountability.

      I truly believe – and it is Don Migeul’s model in “Mastery Of Love” that we all need to be taking responsibility to address and uplevel the uncomfortable, painful and traumatic fear, pain, doubt, burden etc in our own bodies so that we can be the healthiest and freeist person we can be – otherwise we ARE going to lump it on our partner and try to make them take responsibility for it.

      Or .. absolutely we can be honest about it and ask for support with it from our partner, but make the full commitment to work on it ourselves.

      EVERY relationship is perfect in that one person triggers all the unhealed wounds of the other person – that is the EXACT reason for “relationship” to provide the most powerful vehicle for evolution.

      The real question is this: Are two people going to roll up their sleeves and do the inner work when their buttons get pushed, or are they going to project onto the other person, or are they going to throw in the towel and walk away?

      If they don’t go inwards then they are only going to have live out the torturous relationship, or the same relationship with a different face over and over again.

      Mind you – there are “deal breakers” in relationship that mean “walk away” and then do the inner work yourself – especially if it is not safe to stay, and / or the other person is not willing to be accountable and not willing to work on themselves – then the relationship has to be expired … and if we were to stay we would just keep abusing ourselves.

      Narcissistic relationships fall absolutely into this category.

      I hope this has helped …

      Mel xo

      • anders@gnabb.se'
        Anders
        February 26, 2016

        Hi,

        I didn’t see your reply until i saw i was cited in you last article! 🙂

        Yes, i think i know what you mean. The relationship was unhealthy, but no matter how screwed up and abusive it was, i still dream of it to end well. But i know it’s not going to happen.
        Perhaps a topic for an article: when being in the relationship, then-and-there, it doesn’t seem that screwed up since it keeps getting normalized, either by yourself or the narcissist. But adding up, there is a 50-item long list of very wierd things done to me/by me, and summing those items up, I now, one year after, see that this could not be normal.
        I’m actually thinking of writing to the secretary of education here in Sweden, and suggesting that there should be education about relationships since that is one of the fundamental things in everyone’s life.

        Thanks,
        Anders

        • ella.jakobson@gmail.com'
          Bella
          October 5, 2016

          What a great idea!

  • lucy.mae@westnet.com.au'
    Lucy
    February 19, 2016

    “…And creepily even if you just energetically emotionally hurt without creating any physical evidence … then still at a subconscious level the narcissist feels it, remains “fed” and will keep doing whatever provides “the feed”…”

    Please explain. I don’t doubt that this is true, but I’m not sure of the remedy.

    My narcissist was long ago and no threat to me now. But he has this way of popping up in local news now and then, to tell the world … well, you know, great guy, fabulous achievement, lover of all humanity, rhubarb rhubarb…

    It’s not the content of these appearances that bothers me. But it does nag me knowing I gave him the tools, the intial contacts, the initial impetus that now allow him to self-promote.

    There’s a difference between self-righteous judgement of how another is conducting himself – and reasonable regret at having given away such powerful tools for self-gratification and reeling others in.

    There’s no ‘wound’ to heal here. I just wonder what I am “feeding” him … because I don’t wish to “feed” him aaaaanything!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 20, 2016

      Hi Lucy,

      I do want to go into this in more detail in Part 2 … and also very much about how we can be “physically” moved on but not totally emotionally and energetically.

      I promise you there are still “chords” when we have any attachment whatsoever to what they think and how their life is going.

      Yes, absolutely it is a challenge for you that he is in the public eye – and that the trigger is always there.

      I do promise you however that when you address the parts of you inside you that are connected and release and up-level those – then there will be no trigger and no “care”. You may see something and go “okay” and totally come back to whatever else had your focus. And there will be NO struggle with that.

      I know Part 2 will help answer this more for you!

      Mel xo

      • lucy.mae@westnet.com.au'
        Lucy
        February 20, 2016

        Thanks. I think you are right, and I will look forward to Part 2.

  • manujanaik@gmail.com'
    Sasha
    February 19, 2016

    Discarded at last ,after five years of relationship. Had a wonderful start ,, dint believe dat I found such a handsome wealthy bf ..groomed me to suit his need ..loved the pampering. after few months bouts of angry accusation. .but the conditioning was so subtle .. used prases like “” I want my wife to be to listen to me and obey me” .. every date was dicided by him every dish we ate was ordered by him .. n yes he use to talk a lot mostly abt himself ..his college life his friends his relatives everything abt him .I am not supposed to talk or interupt .. left him few times over commitment issues but came begging again promising a future.. told loads of lies regarding previous gf n y they left .. registered himself in matrimonial site wen ,I found out told parents did it for him .. left saying parents don’t agree to our relationship and married within 15 days of breakup ..called me saying his parents forced him to get married. .Wen I asked his parents ( a thing which a girl won’t do in our country) directly they told me they don’t have any idea of who I was n he never mentioned my name before them .n the girl he is marring is completely his choice .. almost fainted after hearing this .. he then said he was sorry for wat he has done.. it’s been two months I am trying to heal but the betrayal cannot be forgiven or forgotten .. his behaviour was very controlling. .demanding. .needed sex every time .. had sexual fantacis like having sex in open places like beaches .forest .waterfalls . Even restaurant toilet . I can’t forget all this .. n it’s killing me.job is getting affected too. Read so much about narcissism but still feel very jealous about his wife ( he got a wife from a very poor family n is grooming her now to look very modern n sophisticated )) posting loads of happy pics of both on fb even though he knew dat I am still coping up with the breakup .its not normal .. this people can kill with their love.

  • kimbo.com@verizon.net'
    Kimberly
    February 20, 2016

    I went through this whole process several times in the 24 years we were together. It started when we were dating. Then when we lived together many many times. At first he would discard me for a week. Then another time it was several weeks. Then one time it was a year. Until the final discard. Each time the honeymoon phase was amazing and looking back now he acted very child like. Almost like a kid who had a new toy.I thought he was just happy for us to be back together but basically he was on high that he accomplished roping me back in. Now it’s been 4 years since the last discard and I have been doing really well with my life and he is actually trying to get me back. He is using the kids to do it. He will be greatly disappointed this time. Because I have had 4 years to work myself.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 20, 2016

      Hi Kimberly,

      what a relief that you are out of the cycle!

      Its’ so wonderful that you are stronger now after the last 4 years.

      You deserve to be happy and loved for real.

      Mel xo

  • beyondtheprogramming@gmail.com'
    Avaa
    February 20, 2016

    Love your insight and in depth discussions on this topic. Do you cover any of the physical causes for becoming a target of Narcissistic abuse – such as toxic Rx and weaponized food, imbalances in gut biome, vagus nerve disorders or illeocecal valve dysfunction?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 20, 2016

      Hi Avaa,

      Thank you and hope they have helped.

      My focus is truly “emotional” – and the healing work I do is about “emotional belief systems”. However I know how deeply connected the emotions are to the physical.

      I truly believe that dis-ease begins at the emotional level first as an energetic impulse / imprint (unseen world) and then transfers to the physical body (seen world).

      Myself and many other have experienced the healing of physical conditions (some “incurable”) when we addressed the deep seated emotional beliefs and traumas that were the basis of the dis-ease.

      So I am not sure if this is really answering your question, other than dis-ease emotional and or physical and not being “whole” absolutely can allow us to be picked off … no different to a gazelle at the edge of a pack …

      Mel xo

  • pnygrl1970@msn.com'
    Wendy
    February 20, 2016

    Hi Melanie,
    This is a great article and so spot on for how my relationship went with a narcissist. My question is this..Why do narcissists withhold the things they know you want or that will make you happy? Mine loved to make plans or promises only to break them or ask me to go do something that she knew I really wanted to do only to cancel the plans last minute.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 20, 2016

      Hi Wendy,

      the simple answer is “to hurt you” … however I do want to go into this more deeply in Part 2 – because it is a great question!

      Is that okay?

      Mel xo

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    Ruth
    February 20, 2016

    I am in the discard phase of my second narcissistic relationship. I have some supports in place to help me ‘hold the wall’ of no contact. I am identifying masochistic elements in myself that come from an early childhood set-up of associating pleasure with pain. Love=hurt. There has been much confusion to unravel and although this has been excruciating, there is also some hope that on the other side of releasing this depth of pain from my body mind and spirit, I will be free. The feeling work of facing my current situation and connecting it to my traumatic past has helped me understand that this man is a conduit, an opportunity like none other before him, to actually feel for the first time ever, my outrage, grief and loss over what happened many years ago. He has pressed hard on these wounds. How is it that I am strangely grateful for the opportunity this affords me? He is a secondary player, in the journey of healing, and in keeping him in that place in my mind, I am able to really face what this is all about…in fact, it has nothing to do with him at all!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 20, 2016

      Hi Ruth,

      I adore your orientation – it is a true Thriver One!

      Bless you and big kudos!

      It is so, so true Ruth that the people who “hurt us” are a divine orchestration allowing us to access, meet, claim and release wounding that was holding us separated from our True Selves and True Life.

      And as soon as we DO turn inwards there is intense gratitude .. Because until we could find this stuff …

      a) we were always going to have to go through “this pain” to find it, (that person or someone else) and …

      b) it was limiting us and causing “Blocks” in our life that we weren’t even aware of (until this time) limiting us from being the truly free expansive radiant vehicle of divinity we CAN be …

      CORRECT! It has nothing to do with him at all … he was reflecting back what you needed to heal …

      Yaya!!

      Keep it up Ruth – you have GOT this!!!!

      Mel xo

  • mtcullen321@gmail.com'
    Mary
    February 20, 2016

    Dear Melanie,

    I want to thank you deeply for the amazing work that you are doing. I am well on my way to healing myself due to the new understandings that I have come across in your writings on this forum. I have spent years in recovery (therapy) and continued to make the mistake of falling for NARCS.
    No one ever gave me the information that you have, where I can now identify my wounds and unhealed places and get to work on them. My life has always felt out of control in Love relationships, and now everything is changing = I am working on my self with accuracy for the first time. You have made all the difference, your writing, speaking, and realizations shared have provided me the tools for a better future.

    Again and again, thank you for your excellent work!
    Mary

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 20, 2016

      Hi Mary,

      My pleasure, and I am so pleased you are well on your way!

      So, so true – when we finally turn inwards and do the work there we start “coming home”.

      Bless you Mary I am so happy you are partnering you!!

      Mel xo

  • Louisaabrown@aol.com'
    Lou
    February 20, 2016

    Wow so much clicked into place for me after reading this article, thanks so much x

  • whitm@live.ca'
    Whitney
    February 20, 2016

    Thank you Melanie!

    Once again your words explain so clearly what previously seemed shrouded in mystery. The clarity makes it so much easier to do the internal work. I can pinpoint my personal gaps so much easier and can focus, wound by wound, on what needs to be healed and up levelled.

    Do you think it’s possible to protect my child from these kinds of wounds, just with my own up levelling? Is there something I can be doing to empower even a very young child, to be filled with self love?

    I think I recall one of the blog posts that suggested making sure that my home was the place of stability and that my being the clear and stable parent would help. Are there other steps I can be taking to end the cycle?

    I can’t thank you enough for your work. Since finding your site just months ago, my life has improved immeasurably… I’m having trouble writing a next sentence that might somehow accurately describe my gratitude, but it can’t be summed up with a just few words.

    I’ve learned from you that sometimes the simplest solution is the best one, so..

    Thank you.

    Whitney

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 20, 2016

      Hi Whitney,

      Isn’t is a huge, when rather than trying to control the uncontrollable, (anything that isn’t us) we just track “what hurts” through to our own body and do the work there?

      Because then “bingo” we ARE right where we need to be.

      The most powerful way ever that we help our children is “to lead where we are going ourselves” … the huge benefits to our children from our own uplevelling are immense … truly.

      Whitney are you working with NARP, or have you come into one of my 3 Keys Groups? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar ?

      That really explains everything you are asking in really deep and empowering detail.

      Mel xo

      • whitm@live.ca'
        Whitney
        February 20, 2016

        Thank you,

        I am working with NARP and the benefits have been tremendous. At first I did the silver, then when I found myself with a list of questions I upgraded to gold…the forum is a gift. I have found the answers to many of my questions there, or the path to the answer that was already in me.

        I have felt that my own up levelling has already started to translate to my child. As I become more calm, self aware and self loving, I have become a better parent and a better deflector of negative conflict.

        I think it’s my old way of thinking that has me convinced I need to “logic” my way to a solution for my son. And, also I realize now, some more wounds I could bring to the modules about fear of future negative events.

        At the present time my son is great, if I spend my time and energy worrying about everything that might happen, I will end up manifesting those things.

        The 3 Keys dates have not lined up for me yet…I’m taking it as a sign that when the right date comes up, it’s going to be the exact seminar I need to be at!

        Thank you again, you are a gift.

        Whitney

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 23, 2016

          Hi Whitney,

          that is so great that you are on track, and that NARP and the Forum experience has been so wonderful for you …

          I love how our healing helps our children sooo much 🙂

          Yes, when the time is right come into a Webinar Group – I’d love to have you there, and you will truly get a huge boost in your evolution!

          We have an incredible time in the Group – the growth is spectacular!

          Mel xo

  • deaniemack@gmail.com'
    Micha
    February 20, 2016

    Hi Melanie,
    I’m so grateful for today’s article. It gave me courage to “block” him from my phone -again – as I read your insight into abandonment issues, fears of being alone, and my need to learn to self-soothe (self-partner).
    I’ve been holding onto the hope that he would suddenly “snap out of it” and come back to being the man I love so much. Today’s article helped me see that I’m actually holding out for crumbs (which he throws my way often, but he lacks authenticity and honesty). Today I’d rather not know whether he calls or texts anymore.
    Some things that are finally sinking in:
    1. that truth and honesty and trust are too threatening to him and will never be part of our healing together.
    2. that he’s withholding the truth because it pleases him to see me suffer over being lied to
    3. That the crumbs he throws with a random call or text are feeding his need to keep me attached and hoping and hurting.
    Thank you for your insight and articles. Today I can take another step away from the endless pit of pain and instead embrace my ability to care for and love myself in an authentic and peaceful way, one day at a time.
    I’m going to plant something new today to honor this moment of understanding. Something that I can nurture -literally and symbolically- and watch it grow!
    Much love to you and the NARP community <3

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 20, 2016

      Hi Micha,

      I am so pleased this article helped you be strong.

      I am nearly tearing up feeling, whilst I read this, your shift to turn inside you … to start holding you!

      Micha this is sooo special. It’s your time to heal this and be free dear lady!

      Please consider coming into my next Webinar Group – the community power, support and healing there is so incredible and will help you so much – as well as learning “how to” powerfully self-partner, with the profound workshopping we all do together.

      That will help you so much <3

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

  • meJane1991@gmail.com'
    Jane
    February 20, 2016

    From one of the questions you addressed in the article, I think that some people may not understand that “devalue and discard” don’t necessarily mean that the N physically leaves and/or divorces the victim. It can simply be an emotional leaving…abandonment by using the cold shoulder or silent treatment as part of the cycle.

  • Helpprotectmyfamily@gmail.com'
    A Hope
    February 20, 2016

    Hi
    Thank you for this profound and very critical piece of knowledge! It is very enlightening when you first realize (AHA!) that the wound is in us. I never realized it was to such a degree and i am thankful to now be aware. I must admit that I was hooked and got married but the “clergy” even after my pleadings and trying to get confirmation or “approval” to let go of the marriage and that the injurious and insidious nature was too much for me (already after much isolation), kept me hooked in a cycle of more abuse. It took a lot of courage for me to detach myself and leave with much scrutiny and added smear campaign with little to no support. I have to admit, it was my bottom, and although I was thankful with awareness there was a period of depression about my situation about my N and about myself. And it took me back to my childhood and that is when I was left with a decision to “show up”. I liken this to a feeling of sitting in the drivers seat when 16 for first time and being afraid of it. I realize this moment is critical! At times I have been brought back only to drive myself into trouble or hand over the drivers seat to someone else to drive me into trouble. I have a lifetime of damage behind me that I need to clean up now so I can live a better life and I want to do it in the healthiest way I can this time. It makes me exciting and nervous at the same time. Taking responsibility for all of me without proper tools can be deadly so I realize that I have to stay awake and when I have no idea how to proceed then I wait and try to learn how. I’m facing my fears facing the damage and learning how to nurture myself, how to thrive not just survive! This is KEY! Because without ever realizing it I never let myself thrive and i have to admit there have been opportunities in my life that I just gave away. I thought that when I got to that place of opportunity that I was ready because I had something to give someone else in a relationship but this was not true and kept me from truly benefiting from my own hard work. I had to ignore red flags my whole life. This benefitted me to a degree because it helped me up level on certain levels from where I came from. However it kept me trapped as well and only using will power which does run out. It leaves you with a feeling of exhaustion and under a glass ceiling. So… With all this said… I am working on that energetic bond. Because it is more emotional and less logical I have trouble gaining the intelligence like I’m used too. The learning to nurture myself has not been acquired as quickly as I would like it too. I’m reading and resting and going to counseling. I’m thinking it just takes time. It won’t happen overnight. This is frustrating for me because I like to see results. But I realize that this is part of my addiction. I like to see cause and effect. I like to achieve and I like to feel the “high” that comes from it. Because I am working at rewiring my brain I also know it means not leaning on my own understanding or instincts not my instant reaction. It is hard at times because its like learning how to live a whole new life a new way. It’s like learning to walk and talk again but without the power of a child brain. Teaching an old dog new tricks takes tremendous effort and is extremely exhausting and I realize now my quick need to “DO” something, to “FIX” it, is part of my problem my addiction. It’s a great source of power and control too but if we “DO” something that is for someone else to do or we “DO” something to avoid a situation we do not want to be in or react too quickly and do not make wise decisions we end up harming ourselves or repeating the cycle even if we do not want too. So I am learning to be patient with the process completely. I know eventually it will feel better and easier and will feel lighter, but doing this work is hard but worth it and it takes making a decision to DO it. And this takes a measure of humility and courage and perseverance and reliance on our higher power but also a measure of personal responsibility that is beneficial in learning our limitations and setting healthy boundaries and providing our own security and worth and love and approval and how that allows us to let those people in …the healthy ones. And it feels overwhelming at times and unfamiliar but yields positive results. It is shattering and shocking to wake up at the beginning but look around, feel it, mourn it, grieve, and let yourself melt. It is temporary. It isn’t the end of the world although it feels like it. Emotionally we need to heal and it takes some time. Although on the outside it may not appear at first, I feel like the level of personal growth this year has been the most I have achieved in my entire life. I feel more awake in so many ways which feel good and bad but I realize this is a gift and prepares us and the best gift now is time. It takes time. Thanks for these very informative blogs Melanie. We are all worth the effort and time needed to heal. Think about all the time we have devoted toward others. We deserve time. It’s time to change our identity to that of a thrivers! We are in this together. Not alone. I thank you all for your stories because it is comforting to know I do not face this alone.
    With gratitude,

    A Hope

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 20, 2016

      Hi A Hope,

      My pleasure! I love how you put this – “the wound is in us …”

      The sad thing is so many Abuse Forums are incensed by that comment – but TRULY it hands all our power back … and is the true way out of this.

      It can be very painful for people who are told to “hang on” by a doctrine or community like you were … and then go through the corresponding isolation and shame – I am not surprised it felt like such a bottom out – it took great courage for you to listen to you up against all of that.

      Turning inwards is the most pivotal (and often scary) time of our life. And it is incredibly humbling to realise that “strength” “capability” and “resourcefulness” are NOT the answers when we have remained stuck in the same cycles over and over again – simply chasing our tail from one day to the next and one relationship to the next that are simply confirming and playing out our painful emotional belief systems.

      We HAVE to do the work inside our bodies and up-level those defenses and painful beliefs (that have us trapped in survival) in order to release them into creation … and utlimately new and freer and more pleasing and loving experiences.

      Truly I can’t stress this enough – that the way inwards is difficult “cognitively” when you are not using subconscious and energetic “super-tools”.

      Quanta Freedom Healing http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/quanta-healing-explained.htm is such a tool. Check it out …

      And I’d love to show you how to release inner painful beliefs and trauma and up-level in ways that you did not know were possible. The process of reprogramming and reclaiming ourselves beyond “this” pain is not a lifelong process I promise you.

      The way to experience this first-hand, as I have suggested to other peeps here, is the 3 Keys Group – and all of the workshopping and Webinar there is a free service … and can be incorporated with any other work you are doing on yourself ..

      It is just a much more powerful, direct and faster method.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

      • Helpprotectmyfamily@gmail.com'
        A Hope
        February 20, 2016

        Thank you for replying. You have such great ways of explaining things. You are right that courage was needed. My counselor basically said if I removed everyone what would I do? And she said if there were no stipulations what would you want? And that really helped me.
        As for resourcefulness, I was resourceful my whole life. It was to a fault because I learned how to be that way and used every resource possible which only led to me dragging out hitting my bottom. Although others mean well we almost should have a no help society unless people are willing to work thru what keeps them down… Not sure how to measure that but there needs to be a tool. So resourcefulness has been a tool for temporary fixes that now I have none to lean on. So what do you do then? I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure it out but it’s exhausting because I’m tired from the N abuse and I have a needy 1 yr old and preteen and not much left for me. I worry a little about the energetic source you read from. How do you feel this release of years past of energy? I interpret that as DNA so it confuses me a bit and since I am spiritual I want to make sure I do not reach into another pit if darkness disguised as light. I don’t want to offend you at all. But I want to be honest about my concerns. Thank you

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 23, 2016

          Hi A Hope,

          Truly the best thing for you to do is the research on QFH – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/quanta-healing-explained.htm check out testimonies. and ultimately in a Webinar Group you can really see and understand at a deep level – there is so much detail which you will learn.

          This is will say to you – the techniques I use – (Quanta Freedom Healing) are truly solely responsible for my recovery that was deemed a complete medical impossibility. I would have never survived my trauma without it … it has also to date helped thousands of people create unprecedented recoveries where nothing else got them over the line.

          It is all about releasing the darkness to make space to bring in and become the light – literally.

          But of course you need to do your research – because it is your personal choice as to what you investigate.

          Mel xo

    • andreasantora63@gmail.com'
      Andrea
      June 25, 2017

      Dear A Hope, as I read your post I thought to myself, wow, I’m having a very similar experience. I think your ability to put all that into words is amazing. I think those things, but lack the ability to put them into words. Your post to me, looks like a person who has grasped a very good handle on themselves and is way on the path to healing. I’m looking forward to getting where you are. I’m very grateful I have found Melanie’s website, I’m doing her webinars and reading her blogs. She has made it so very clear that healing the initial childhood wound is the key to emotional freedom. I can remember as if it were today, crying my eyes out after being abandoned by my narc, that the excruciating pain was the same exact pain I experienced as child when abandoned by my mother. Thank you for your post. You have inspired me. And thank you Melanie for providing us with a clear and loving path to healing!

  • Angelsone@sbcglobal.net'
    Dorothy
    February 20, 2016

    This was like a rope from Heaven reaching out to me. I am out of the boat and into the water trying to swim to shore. Only I forgot I am afraid of the deep water. This article hit me where I needed to be reached. During the wee hours of the morning these words cracked through the ice and what was trapped behind the frozen wall was a flood a memories of abuse that is intolerable. I can forgive, but I can’t forget what should not be forgotten. It wasn’t a once or twice thing that can be excused as human short comings but a long pattern and cycle that reaches always past my tonsils and through to my heart. It is what I endured as a child. Diagnosed with PTSD, it is common to want to recreate and work through to process old stuff. I placed myself at risk in doing so. Thank you, Melanie. I read everything that is sent. Today I will go back to module 1 since the ice broke.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 20, 2016

      Hi Dorothy,

      I am so pleased this article reached you.

      I know and can feel that you feel like you are drowning, but I promise you, you can have the courage now – take a deep breath, dive deeply into the pain (with Module work) keep your body open and breathing and you WILL load up and release what is responsible for the pain.

      The PTSD and all the other parts of this will be gone when the trauma and painful beliefs are gone …

      Because your organic Inner Being – your True Self that was always there – just buried under layers of trauma – will come back to life.

      You just need to be the brave midwife for yourself going through this letting go – re-birth process.

      It’s your time Dorothy.

      Big hugs and healing.

      Mel xo

  • Helpprotectmyfamily@gmail.com'
    A Hope
    February 20, 2016

    Oh I also forgot to mention that learning how to forgive ourselves is a very important part of the “process” and I’m learning how to do that too. Any advice you have there will be appreciated. I’m learning that I think I forgive myself but I find I’m not able to let go fully or forgive myself enough. I have a lot of guilt still and still in recovery. I’m sure scars will last but I find the wound is deeper sometimes than I realize and its not a simple step but a process. I can’t wait to get through this! Patience needed! But at least there is a light at the end of a very dark twisted spooky tunnel.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 20, 2016

      Hi A Hope,

      That is so true … and an essential part of becoming free from this.

      there is a specific “forgiving self” Quanta Freedom Healing Module in the NARP Program – Module 3 – as well as the releasing of each and every inner hook related to healing ourselves in the other 9 Modules.

      There is also a related e-book and deep processes in an e-Book in the Gold Program.

      You can see this here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      Mel xo

  • warrenbrubacher@email.com'
    WJBMotown
    February 20, 2016

    Melanie, you are the angel child!! Once again, I thank the universe for your presence.
    I have only read about 1/3rd of this classical piece of literature and my biggest, current question was answered point blank.
    My NPD father requires supply, to the same extent as a heroin addict. I really don`t need his help, but he likes to force himself on you. A “create a situation and then solve it” concoction that makes him look good. He offers me $$$ to get a place and makes this demand!! It must be given over a period of 12 months and not a lump sum.
    My intuition says, ” I smell a rat.”
    It tells me that the Narc wants control of the situation. He also wants the praise and feel good feeling that comes from helping someone. Sort of like the high profile Narc that gives $$$ to charity to look good.
    My heart says……stay clear from the Narc and do it your self. Don`t get sucked into being his little toy.
    My heart tells me that I will attract the right people if I am true to myself and not live a lie.
    My question to you Melanie is, ” How do I check myself out on this trip periodically?
    Make sure that my own personal reality is clear. It sounds weird, but you totally understand this high level “mind game” war that goes on with narcs and their victim`s.
    It “blows my mind” that you actually answer these comments.
    Thank you so much. I can`t wait to finish this award winning article!!! Rockin!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 20, 2016

      Hi WJB Mowtown.

      You are so welcome!

      I am pleased that question was answered 🙂

      Yes it can be very true – that when a “good deed” is cloaked in egoic agendas it really can feel unwholesome.

      That is so so true that the more you develop and become an authentic self – showing up more unwounded and “clean”, being able to be True Self (simply for being it – known as “radiance”) without fear of rejection, abandonment and punishment – you will flush out what is not real, up-level those who will also develop and rise in your experience, and attract higher vibrational people who match “where you are at.”

      These states of authenticity and radiance are “logical decisions” that we can just decide to do … no more than we can “fake” them …

      Showing up authentically means that we have had to do the work inside ourselves on our emotional belief systems and traumas to be free of them – in order to show up like this ..

      That’s the only way!

      Inner work …

      Mel xo

  • beachgerl50@yahoo.com'
    Jennifer Love
    February 20, 2016

    Another wonderfully written God send article, written by you Melanie. I have Thanked God for you and your website for the last few years as Ive gone back n forth to my ex Narc, husband. I went as far once as 8 months NC and went back.Ah yes the insanity of the cycle..His Love bombing was ,from the begining, way too good to be true, it was exactly that.But what fun until the mask came off, again and again..Trauma,until my body and mind began to shut down with PTSD and other health problems.Thank God my body told me what I couldnt seem to believe,”He Will Never Change,only Continue to HURT YOU,and so we ( the body) are shutting down,HELLO!” lol…So, its been a long road, with this healing website/program my own Therapist, a few months of CBT with another Therapist, my MD, and now the last year of an integrated healing therapy for my past and present,Im finally GETTING IT ,boy is it an inside JOB lol ! Im still forgiving, letting go and now seeing the reasons for gratitude of my journey of self healing and discovery of MUCH through my recovery from Narc abuse..Talk about the road to Hell ,is paved with good intentions,lol..well, its not Hell anymore,thanks to NC,and the willingness to look within and HEAL..My Narc made it especially hard due to the fact, hes had several years of Soberity, therapy, anger mang. and still continues to manipulate his Drs,Therapists,co-workers,AA members,Family ect. It was a nightmare that Im finally really out of.Im grateful for the Narc journey, but not enough to go back.Thank God..and Thank You Melanie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 20, 2016

      Hi Jennifer,

      Thank you for your beautiful comments …

      I thank God myself for this wonderful path every day too … we have SO much to be grateful for, being able to connect and share love and truth in this way!

      How gorgeous you have hit gratitude and clarity for your journey – and that you have pulled out to never going back.

      Big hugs and well done.

      Mel xo

  • kayvmace@gmail.com'
    Kay
    February 20, 2016

    I have just subscribed to your newsletter and am finding it perfectly relevant ! I lost my identical twin at 3 days old and had an alcoholic Narc father. Abandonment issues have been paramount. Now, at age 65, you are helping me create a new life. I’ve been a widow for 17 years, afraid of getting close to anyone and denying the idea of love in my life again. As I work on the childhood wounding, I would ask you about the process of releasing the wound of losing my twin. The grief of that is so much stronger than parental abuse and even childhood sexual abuse from a neighbor. Which wounding work should come first, the oldest? The most severe? Thank you so much for your website and all of your free material . You are such a sweet, loving young lady, I bless you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 20, 2016

      Hi Kay,

      I am so pleased you have become a subscriber and my information helps you …

      That is so wonderful that you are claiming your True Life, I adore knowing that any of us can … at any age. One of my oldest NARP Members Dot … I talk about her incredible life resurrection, including love, travel, her personal missions etc after 4 N’s in her 70’s! … I share her story in my 3 Keys Webinar …

      Kay please know in the NARP Program with Quanta Freedom Healing you can shift out ANY trauma of your body – regardless of what it is – with the use of Module 1 or the Goal Setting Module (Module 11).

      And then I promise you that agony just will NOT be there …

      That is how we truly heal powerfully from anything at all …

      You may wish to come and join in a Webinar Group with me and others – I would love to have you!

      Mel xo

  • mplessb@gmail.com'
    manuela
    February 20, 2016

    Melanie – all your posts have deafeningly resonated with me, but this one about the cycle particularly “hit home”.

    My N is an incredibly powerful and wealthy man who not only sabotaged my career and made me sign a bogus “Pre-nup” (I pointed out since there was no “nup”, it was, in fact, a financial “waiver”) He insisted all he needed was to not feel his fortune was threatened and our relationship could resume to the loving happy level it was originally. You and my healers, together with my “self-partnering” have helped me see the pattern, but I DID tell him at the time I would sign it because I loved him, but did not believe it was the answer, however, I would give him the chance to prove me wrong. Needless to say he proved me RIGHT! I was so financially, professionally and emotionally compromised and crippled at that time, was losing my mind, and signed a bogus document. Luckily my lawyer knew something wasn’t right, insisted I have a psychological evaluation and I am now empowering myself to have that document “set aside” and seeking appropriate financial compensation. I am not doing this for revenge, attention or out of malice, but for balance and justice. However, this is his greatest paranoia. How do I prevent him publicly defaming me for claiming my entitlement? I am reclaiming my life and my power but he is VERY influential. He is very publicly having sex with and being seen around town with women I know, one of which I thought was my best friend, but the betrayal is so clear it just helps me make sense of it. I am considering a strategy that includes going back to him in a different format. I have done a lot of healing, conscious and subconscious. I know it will be another 6 months off to get my life to a place where he cannot affect important aspects. Is it possible to go back with genuine empowerment, for my OWN gain, having uploaded myself, no longer being “love bombed” but “playing the game”? I truly believe I am capable of that. I am no longer in love with him. He can be incredibly useful in many ways. In fact, I believe I had to fall for him to deal with my narcissistic holocaust-survivor father, which I am currently doing. I ran away my whole life. Am I kidding myself? I truly am considering it the ultimate power – to empower and protect myself to get it all, now understanding the “big picture” and where I sit within it. I am 58 years old and this is my first EVER narcissist. He still has strong feelings for me. He is not only very high-profile but within my community – in fact we live so close we can see each other’s houses! I cannot move house for complicated reasons. Anyway, running away all those years was just avoiding the inevitable, wasn’t it!?

    I understand the “no contact” aspect – the only way I survived my father was avoiding and running away. It ended up, when I was finally stuck, I fell for “my father” in this man. Believe me, I see it. But I prefer to thrive by confronting and self-empowering. Am I just myself up? Is it possible to remove myself emotionally enough to outsmart him at his own game? I must have some of that as a “gift in disguise” from my DNA and childhood trauma? I am very glamorous, smart and charismatic but have never used that to manipulate anyone, male or female. Never. But this experience has set off a genuine change in my core and subconscious that is now a very empowered perspective shift. If it CAN be done, I am the one to do it, believe me. I just want to know if I’m kidding myself. I have a lot to gain if I can make this happen. I am respected in his community. The women he is filling his void with currently are a joke and his reputation, which means everything to him, is crashing and burning. He is fodder. Can I be the winning vulture?

    I’d love your take on this!

    Ella

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 20, 2016

      Hi Manuela,

      I am so pleased this article resonated with you …

      There is so so much in what you are asking me here.

      One of the greatest gifts and lessons of N-abuse is this “the worth of our soul.” In other words to finally finally come home and love ourselves unconditionally – which means regardless of “what we have” as outer props.

      When we trade that for anything including real life aesthetics, or even security we can be in for a very hard time …

      I have seen people win against N’s absolutely – but never those who are attached to outcomes (I need this to happen to be okay). These people did the inner work to become a whole source to themselves FIRST and then simply took legal correct action which then unfolded to grant them “more” of the wholeness they had already uplevelled themselves to be.

      These people did not “need” those outcomes to feel or be whole.

      I have never, ever discovered, heard of or realised any “formula” to defeat a narcissistic legally or in any other way – and there is NOT meant to be that formula, because what is going on for all of us who have gone through N-abuse is not “practical” “legal” or “financial” it is a deep soul lesson allowing us to excavate and up level all of our inner insecurities pain and fear that has been limiting us being and expressing our True Selves in the world .

      And “that” truly is the first and foremost mission required (cleaning that up) to get out of the horror and the pain, and then of course we can take action from any standpoint – including legal. But it is vital to know no amount of “doing” can or will make up for a defunct inner “being”.

      Then “what will be will be”. Maybe at soul level it serves us to lose the resources and security (that was certainly BIG TIME true for me ..) and to have to start all over again with a completely different sense of “what true worth is” … and “where was I not being a self-generative force for myself?” …

      This may not be the way you wanted me to answer this … but it is the only truth I know regarding this …

      Mel xo

  • mcarroyo63@yahoo.com'
    Martina
    February 20, 2016

    Thank you Melaine, im trying im trying. Your words are helping me but I feel like its me thats scared to leave. I have been a widow for 5 years met this man 10 years younger than me and everything you describe about a Narcissist it is him 100% and then some. So I keep asking myself Why? Why? Do I want to be with him? Why do I have him in my mind all time? I hope I will become stronger like you and walk away and never look back.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 20, 2016

      Hi Martine,

      you are welcome, and what you are describing is sooooo common.

      Nearly all of us went through what you are …

      It ‘s the young inner parts of us that are not yet healed that cling – and it is NOT logical – because emotional programming isn’t!

      It isn’t until we go inside our body and start doing the healing work there that we can heal it.

      Please come into my next healing Group – the 3 Keys Group – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar – and myself and the community will help you with this …

      Mel xo

  • kmr@karenrutherford.com'
    Karen Rutherford
    February 20, 2016

    Wonderful article!!! So close to home and makes so much sense. I had no idea what narcissism was until after I got out and started researching. And that’s exactly when the cycles were going on that you talk about so perfectly! I’m out now, but what destruction in the process. I feel such empathy for anyone currently going through this. It was harder than anything I think I’ve gone through in my life. Thank you for your help in my recovery!! Your information is life-affirming and life-saving.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 20, 2016

      HI Karen,

      you are so welcome.

      Keep healing and that is so wonderful you are out of the cycle now.

      Mel xo

  • mcpheeyoung1957@yahoo.com'
    Joanne
    February 20, 2016

    I am still in such pain after my final disgard 8 months ago. I have been in full no contact for last 3 months. I am so happy i found out WHY my narc was behaving as he did. I had never ever before (so I thought) been treated like this in a relationship. He never devalued me but managed down my expectations almost from the get go. I am lucky because I escaped unscatehed except my heart being crushed. The disappearing for days when we had plans (We lived and hour apart) killed me, does that mean I have abandonment gap? …..I had no idea these people existed until 2 weeks ago!!! It makes so much of how he behaved clear to me now……Even though I know what it is, that it wasn’t real im still in so much pain….I guess knowing that none of it was real is what hurts…..I’m trying so hard to figure out what my inner wounds are and Im at a loss as to how to figure out what they are?! I want to heal and move forward and have a real life and real love. I am an educated very attractive usually happy & financially self sufficient …so I am desperate to regain myself

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 20, 2016

      Hi Joanne,

      it certainly is a huge shock when we discover what “narcissism” is – and that we have been N-abused ..

      But also a massive relief to know there is a name and “reasons” for it.

      Joanne the direct path and formula to heal from this has been created. It is the NARP Program http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      I also take people through the processes – in large workshopping Groups of AMAZING people in my 3 Keys Groups … http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Either or both of those orientations would help you get right onto “what to do to heal” very quickly.

      Mel xo

  • Krbremer@sbcglobal.net'
    Kelly
    February 20, 2016

    My exN discarded me and replaced me with another N who by outside appearances is very confident (arrogant) and has the image of the kind of person my ex wished to be. She is someone we both knew and I saw him changing over a couple of years and he’s like her clone now. I’m sure there was a lot of mirroring going on. Will he eventually suck the life out of her too? Or because she is also a narcissist, can they live a somewhat normal to them life because they both lie, manipulate and use others to get what they need and will feed off each other to keep the false self alive. Or will they destroy each other because they each have an endless need for attention and chaos? I’m no contact now and working on healing my inner wounds but I can’t help but wonder how this will play out. Thank you for your insight.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 21, 2016

      Hi Kelly,

      Truly I don’t have an answer for you – because I really don’t know and also I know that even if I did have the answer, that you will not get relief regardless.

      The only way to get relief is to reach inside you and find out and heal that part that “wants to know” … then truly your life moving forward won’t care – you will just be relieved that you aren’t living that dynamic.

      Mel xo

  • toverduin@bigpond.com'
    Tatiana
    February 20, 2016

    Spot on Melanie
    After over 30 years with my narcissistic husband the cycle has played out so many times I cannot count. I really appreciate your blog posts & radio shows – I’m always encouraged to continue to self-partner & keep myself safe – continually shifting to strengthen my true self & stay away from the narcissist. It’s difficult to believe that they never heal from their situation? But I’m healing from my co-dependency ☺️

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 21, 2016

      Hi Tatiana,

      I am so pleased my material is helping you.

      Tatiana people can only heal /change – when they are prepared to take 100% personal responsibility to face the reasons why they aren’t healthy – and do the work on that.

      That’s why N’s don’t heal. Any N that did that and didn’t waver from that orientation with using deep and powerful tools would heal.

      But THEY have to choose it – no-one else can “make” them do that.

      Mel xo

  • jupitersun@hushmail.com'
    Joni
    February 20, 2016

    Dear Melanie,
    I was married for 30 years, met him when I was 18, we had several kids. Early on, I gave up a full college scholarship to support him emotionally and financially when he was desperately depressed after his mother killed herself. I thought that’s what love required. I put him through grad school, used my inheritance to build our house so we had no mortgage, and then when I went back to work full-time 10 years ago he assaulted me, accusing me of not being “supportive enough.” His suicide threats, verbal abuse, and physical violence increased until I asked him to move out. He did. Trying to get a divorce settlement has destroyed me financially. We still are not divorced but he is now deeply involved with another woman. Your work has enlightened me to my own wounds and my addiction to him–when he was good to me it was over the top compliments, and I told myself about 15 years ago that it wouldn’t last. Of course I knew it wouldn’t last because to keep it coming I had to tiptoe around him, not offend him, do everything he wanted, and it was never enough. I began to resent him. After he assaulted me I knew it was over, I pulled back from him, but it took ten years to fully extract myself. He now justifies doing things to me he “deeply regrets” in order to “reach me.” He said I didn’t need him enough, praise him enough, that I wasn’t vulnerable enough, or expressive enough, and that made him so frustrated that he became enraged. He said he knows his was “irrational” behavior, but that if I had been a better wife, more feminine, needier, he wouldn’t have become frustrated. He said we didn’t “nurture our relationship,” he said he wanted to “grow” and “evolve” with me, but at that point I was in my own therapy and realized that we each had a lot of individual work to do. I told him that, but he said we needed to work on the relationship. I read tons of books about personality disorders, FOG, “Crazy Love,” abuse, and I now understand my “co-dependency,” I’ve acknowledged my childhood wounds that made me the “perfect” match for him. I believe my mother was borderline or bi-polar and my father coped with alcohol. I have C-PTSD as a result of my own violent marriage, but I have also healed a lot after three years of therapy. I have set intentions for rebuilding my life in every way. I have no contact. My kids are all much happier and healthier as I recover. The one thing that keeps me coming back to your site is looking for confirmation that he will never change, that he really is a NARC, and that his new relationship will not be the fairytale as his girlfriend portrayed it on Facebook. Why do I care? Why do I hope their relationship crashes and burns? Why do I hope that there is no such thing as happily-ever-after for him? I wish I could just let go of it all completely and never think of him again. After more than 30 years is it possible to completely let go? Or is it normal to have those thoughts, observe them like clouds in the blue sky, and watch them blow away–but know they will come back on other less serene days? Your blog is amazing and has helped me tremendously. You have a brilliant way of communicating all of these emotions with such clarity. I admire you and your work, and thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 21, 2016

      Hi Joni,

      thank you for your deep and personal share – and it is so so wonderful that you are orientated and dedicated to your own self healing and that you have come so far.

      Joni 100% YES it is possible to fully let go and have him exorcised out of every part of your being.

      I would LOVE you to come into my next Webinar Group so that you can get to experience the PROFOUND difference when we start doing “the work” directly in our subconscious cellularly and emotionally to release and replace trauma – and how then “what hurts” simply goes … we literally can’t access that emotion anymore.

      Truly that is what these new and revolutionary ways to heal produce – and we don’t have to keep doing it the really hard drawn out way anymore …

      Thank you for your lovely compliment at the end of your post … and please find the Webinar Group link here Joni … http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

  • nada2708@yahoo.com.au'
    Jane
    February 20, 2016

    My soon to be X Narc/psycho is following me on every website/group etc! 25 yrs of marriage and I had to leave all my children because I can’t explain to anyone. How do I deal with the the on going manipulation/ abuse still after 2 yrs? He is still stalking me in this group?? I would love to know if anyone after so many years have experienced this?? I’ve had no contact for 2 yrs…. He is obsessed and I just need to end it for my children! They are the victims now.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2016

      Hi Jane,

      truly so many people experienced this … I did with N number 1 in my life.

      Jane there is no way to control them, but there is the way to heal us. And it is truly exactly what this entire article talks about. When we find the wound inside us that relates and can heal and release ourselves – there is NO energy hookup.

      And then I promise you it stops ..

      The only way is “an inside job” truly …

      Mel xo

  • Jodiruth1@aol.com'
    Corrine
    February 20, 2016

    I have been going through this with a so called bff who lives across the street from me for 10 years. I am always looking for information regarding a platonic friendship and how to get through it. It is extremely painful and hard to navigate. For 3 months everything could be great, then all of a sudden I feel like the most unimportant person in the world for the next three months.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2016

      Hi Corrine,

      truly the healing from N-abuse – no matter who the N is – is the same process. There are many people in this Community who have come into my Webinar Groups, or become NARP Program members who are healing from any narcissist.

      Mel xo

      • Jodiruth1@aol.com'
        Corrine
        February 22, 2016

        Thank-you…I will look more into it. It has truly beaten me down for 10 years and my husband does not understand what I’m going through. I hate myself for letting it effect my marriage. My N also tries subtly to get into my kids head. She also flirts with my husband then tells me be was the one. UGH

  • mellymellucy@gmail.com'
    M.
    February 20, 2016

    This article was much needed thank you. I am for the first time learning to forgive a lot of the mistakes I made post narc abuse. One of them was stupidly becoming an escort. I feel so ashamed, embarrassed and foolish for allowing his actions and words to impact me the way it did. My soul was ripped from me and I did not have the strength to see what this situation was really about. It has taken a lot for me to begin rebuilding my self-esteem (one brick at a time). I guess it was my way of self-medicating, not having to feel the hurt that I felt when he discarded, devalued, verbally abused me calling me a slut, turning my friend against me and smearing my name to god knows who. It’s going to be a long journey and I can only pray and have faith that if I commit to doing the inner work I will be much stronger, healed and resilient in fighting for my life. I hate that I allowed myself to accept his lies of who I am clearly not and will never be again.

    Blessings everyone.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2016

      Hi M,

      my heart goes out to you – and I can totally see how this would be possible.

      I think many of us throughout our lives acted out in some ways, or many ways, the horrible things we internalised about ourselves.

      Darling lady this does not make Who You Are any less Divine at all. So many of us have to live “who we are not” to fully anchor light from the darkness.

      I get it – profoundly.

      No matter what your journey has looked like – ever part of it was Divine – because you now have the incredible inside knowledge to help others who have been on similar paths …

      How special is that?

      One day you will see exactly “why” at the deeper soul level there was NO mistakes at all – and the Higher Calling in it.

      But for now – it truly is about you purging that toxic pain and shame from your cells, opening up to receive more of the Light that you already are -and bursting forth into your True Self.

      And I feel you TOTALLY will.

      Please come join our next Webinar Group I’d love to help hold your hand and show you how.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

  • rachetjaw73000@yahoo.com'
    Debbie
    February 20, 2016

    Wow! I am truly speechless. I am right smack in the middle of a narcissistic relationship. I am 60 years old and truly don’t know what to do. I am in shock.
    Debbie

  • diann_44@yahoo.ca'
    Sheila
    February 20, 2016

    Melanie,
    Your article confirms to me that my ex was a narcissist, as every point you described I have experienced!I have been no contact for 3 years, except for emails regarding selling of our house, and seeing him at different places a couple of times-he didn’t see me! In September of 2015 I went back to the place we were living together for 14 years. I knew I would see him , but didn’t know how I would react, but couldn’t seem to get closure -so thought this was the right move. For me it was closure. He tried to make eye contact with me. We even sat together with friends-a friend was sitting between us so I was not beside him. It was a great feeling cause I conversed with my friends very at ease , ignoring him completely. I went away from that experience with more peace, and some closure. The love was gone and there was no hate or revenge thoughts. He was what he was and I didn’t have to deal with him any more.
    I would like to share one thing about that meeting. My ex was a very social guy and very well liked, and was accepted in the church we attended but now he was not invited out socially outside of the church. All of my friends knew what he did to me , as just before I left him I told them. I knew what he was doing by trying to get my attention. He wanted me to smile and talk to him like I had forgiven him or was friendly with him. That way maybe then they would gather him back into their circle. I didn’t give him the satisfaction of even acknowledging him. I don’t really care any more if they take him back in their circle-they know what he is.
    This all sounds good and now I’m back home, and I am over him and after reading and attending a therapy group once a month(of which I still do) I have come a long ways in my journey towards healing. I finally destroyed anything that reminded me of him, and even blocked most all his family members. But I still hurt inside-it’s not him personally any more but what he did to my soul , and mostly how I was so oblivious to what was happening to me. The red flags were there even before I married him . There were other events in my life that I am sure contribute to the hurt.My first husband left me for a another woman after 25 years and I was devastated . I left my 2nd husband (the narc) because he had seduced another victim, which didn’t bother me , cause it gave me the courage to do what I know I had to do. I also was a victim of sexual abuse as a young child and as a teenager. I have come through those traumatic times. I am 72 years old and have always only wanted love and a friend (male) for life. I certainly made bad choices, although have 4 beautiful daughters to which I am so grateful for . But there is a hole in my heart that I can’t seem to fill. I have tried dating but I am so guarded. My ex stole 14 years of my life, and I can never get that back, and it hurts to know that I will never experience that passion and love that I never have had! Your article helped me to realize that -that love has to come for me from myself-how does one do that , and will the hurt ever go away?
    Thank you for your emails and your articles. I hope there will come a time where I don’t need them. I do so enjoy my life and life in general, and I try to live in the moment .
    Thanks again

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2016

      Hi Shelia,

      I promise you, you can turn this around.

      I speak in my 3 Keys Webinar about Dot – I don’t want to give away “that story” here – but suffice to say she was the identical age to you when her fourth narcissistic relationship in a row crumbled.

      Dot started doing the inner work and within less than a year was beyond transformed in every area ..

      Including true divine love with a beautiful man – the first wonderful relationship ever in her life.

      Dating yet is not the answer, healing and becoming your True Self is because then everything can come from that.

      It is never too late … I believe that with all my heart. Our Inner Being is waiting for us to show up and self-partner no matter what age we are …

      Then the magic can begin.

      Mel xo

  • rajapetnavitha@yahoo.com'
    Martha navi
    February 20, 2016

    Hi melanie,I can’t thank you enough for all the information and depth of understanding you’ve provided regarding narcs.i have faced narcissists since childhood and I couldn’t figure out why I ended up with similar and horrible people,until it had gotten worse.i suffered mentally ,physically and emotionally.i thought it was better to kill myself than face all the inner turmoil.i was a depressed child even in school-quiet and a complete introvert.in college,I thought I met amazing friends,I started opening up,I was happy and finally I got the biggest stab on my back when I faced a narc who played friend and then when I discovered her true intentions,did the most horrible things ever.every single thing that you discuss applies to this narc and I can relate to it perfectly.its so true!!!! But I want to tell this one thing-the other most important truth that you always try to tell-if we work on ourselves and uplevel(evolve our thinking) no narc can touch us mentally.thats true….it took me a year to work on myself and evolve.i think that the greatest hint to our own evolution is when we realize that whenever we recollect any horrible incident of the past(say the narc verbally abusing and that hurt you terribly)and that doesn’t hurt anymore!!!and you’ve accepted that it happened but you don’t re-live those same painful moments,you don’t get hurt again,you don’t hate them for what they did,you just tell yourself,”yes it happened. I accept that.but I don’t want the pain anymore.no more!!!” I read something beautiful and the line goes like,”a person acts as his nature is”-i don’t mean to say that it’s ok however a narc behaves and whatever he/she does but all I want people to understand-every single person who’s been a victim is that the narcs disgusting and sick actions were never your fault and never will be your fault.once you realize this it’s easier to work on your self and value yourself.thank you melanie -thank you-I couldn’t have done it without you.love you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2016

      Hi Martha,

      that is so, so wonderful that you have done the work on up-levelling yourself!

      That is 100% correct, that we know when we have evolved beyond something when we go to the “memroy” and there is no longer a charge on it ..

      Just a peaceful acceptance, and a wisdom that emanates from within around it – a profound Universal Truth such as you have experience!

      Anything less than that means we are not as yet evolved – and the lesson will keep coming until we have freed ourselves from “that exchange” to a higher level.

      Thank you for your post, and you are so welcome Martha.

      Mel xo

  • Aslmusic@icloud.com'
    Amy L
    February 20, 2016

    This has given me a small bit of courage and clarity. After 18 years I recently began resisting and it all went downhill after that. Now it’s been almost 2 weeks since I’ve discovered NARP. He won’t honor my request for NC. Don’t know what to do about that(he uses the kids too). But I am struggling with the modules, which I feel may be my only hope. Was so shaken by his barging into my home unannounced today-considered letting him come back home. I just want peace and time to let the modules break through.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2016

      Hi Amy,

      it would be really great for you to be in the NARP Forum getting support at this time … so that Thrivers can help you with the Module Work as well as how to get strong enough to create real boundaries with him.

      Are you a Member in the Forum?
      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member/

      Mel xo

      • Aslmusic@icloud.com'
        Amy L
        February 24, 2016

        Hi Melanie, thanx for the response. I’d love to have access to the forum. I’d feel much less alone. But I gave him the option of counseling and he took it-although he is already abusing that as well. My funds are tied up in his counseling fees. Im still using NARP module one. I don’t feel I should progress to the next module until I’ve accomplished real change in releasing some of my huge assortment of FEAR. I’m sticking to it but my focus wavers often and I’m still hoping for noticeable relief.

  • tararoyston@gawab.com'
    Buy Tickets India Vs Teams 2016 World Cup Tickets
    February 21, 2016

    I’m curious to find out what blog platform you happen to be utilizing?
    I’m experiencing some small security problems with my latest site and I’d like to find something more safeguarded.
    Do you have any solutions?

  • pinstripe101@gmail.com'
    Bri33
    February 21, 2016

    Great article. My ex gave me 2 incurable STDs. He knew. Life goes on. Yeah, it may suck at first, but don’t let the STDs define you as a person. You (and I) are still so very deserving of love. It does come from loving yourself. Its hard somedays, but it’s so worth it.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2016

      Hi Bri33,

      I’m so sorry that has happened to you – I was lucky that I never did … but I do know many people who have suffered that fate from people who weren’t honest and didn’t use protection.

      I agree re not letting that define you – and there are many people who do happily, healthily and honestly partner with STD’s.

      Keep healing Bri!

      Mel xo

  • Cherylb1033@hotmail.com'
    Cheryl
    February 21, 2016

    Today I had the opportunity to read and learn about my abuser, he is at work so I have a little time to investigate my options. He monitors everything I do, so I have to be careful.i delete everything off my phone. My plan to get away is in effect but I am so afraid he won’t let go easily. I will get the protection order that will be needed and hope that is all it will take. There has been physical abuse in the past. I can only watch the webinars at a relatives house, but it’s had to try get away, the only place he will let me go is to my mothers. I am timed when I leave the house, he checks the times on the receipts and investigates all I have done on my phone while I wasn’t on his presence. He calls and texts continually when I go run errands. I long for the days when I was happy. 3 years I have been living with him. When my grown children aren’t home with me he becomes Abusive and distroys things in my house. He is jealous when I talk to my children. I am so scatter brained anymore I can’t even function. My anxiety level has skyrocketed. I have gained weight and look like I have aged 10 years. He constantly tells me how disgusting I look and yet accuses me of cheating on him. I will be leaving and spending time with family and hope that that’s what it will take to get him out of my house.
    I am so happy to have been able to read and learn as much as I have today. And I thank you Melanie for providing this information.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2016

      Hi Cheryl,

      Its so important that you get some help from a Domestic Violence person. You are being significantly abused.

      I am so pleased my article has helped, but please know your situation is serious and you do need other help as well.

      Mel xo

      • Cherylb1033@hotmail.com'
        Cheryl
        February 26, 2016

        Thank you Melanie.
        Would it be best if I pretended to be upset when he says he is going to leave me? I am thinking this way it will help so he doesn’t physically attack me out of rage. He has said if I ever cheat on him he will burn my house down, bury me, and he isn’t afraid of suicide by cop. I am hoping he leaves peacefully.
        I have contacted the women’s resource center and spoke with a sheriff and they said – remember – a restraining order is just a paper.
        I want to let him think he has the upper hand in leaving me and moving out of my house. What do you think ?

  • kkareng@hotmail.com'
    Karen
    February 21, 2016

    This article spoke so deeply to me and my experience. It was been 7 months since separation from the narc I was married to for 10 years. The cycle of lies, hurt, fear still reply like a bad movie. The experience you spoke of were that of my life. Thank you Melanie for helping me realize that I am not crazy, and that I can heal. I am so grateful for finding your site. Not many people understand the trama that goes with this experience. I vow to thrive, to heal, and look forward.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2016

      Hi Karen,

      that is so wonderful that you vow to heal and Thrive.

      And you can and will Karen, it is your time.

      Mel xo

  • Janet.siebels@yahoo.com'
    Janet
    February 21, 2016

    The Discard phase, though. I can not begin to tell you how this has turned my life upside down. I do know Narcissism and Parental Alienation go hand in hand. Married my N 13 years ago and helped him raise his son, our son, as bio mom was not in the picture. I was there for that child and gave him so much love and support, along with my own daughters. This went on for years as I was idealized, devalued and discarded over and over again, until I said I had enough. I wanted to set healthy boundaries and a custody plan to reduce tension for me and my family. I bet you can guess what happened when I did this….you guessed it, my “limited contact” with N became “no contact” with my son(step), who I have no legal rights to, now that we are divorced. I have been alienated from him to the Nth degree. How do I explain to him, he’s 15, when I get a chance to speak to him, what is going on? He is not allowed to contact me.
    Help me understand why I would be “punished” and ostracized for setting healthy boundaries for our children??? N continues to do things, not in the best interest of our children, to hurt me, and outside of legal action, what can I do to minimize these wounds they have now because of it?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2016

      Hi Janet,

      the truth is you may not be able to explain yourself to him … but you can heal yourself from the trauma of that ..

      And then in time he may seek you out later … or not – but regardless you will be able to be at peace and generate your True Life regardless.

      The N is doing exactly what N’s do – use our gaps (what we get triggered on – our as yet unhealed wounds) to hurt us.

      Th healing is always the same – let go of trying to control the uncontrollable (anything outside of ourselves) come inside, find, meet and heal our wounds.

      And until we do that – the agony continues indefinitely.

      Mel xo

  • wrtgaftrmidnight@aol.com'
    Bj
    February 21, 2016

    None of his devaluation attempts worked on me until he started to withhold all physical signs of affection. I mean everything. No hug. No goodnight kiss. Nothing. I am wondering where/how in my life this is an injury? I’m not saying it’s not. I just don’t understand….Your thoughts?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2016

      Hi Bj,

      the question is this, “What does this remind me of?” “What hurt in my earlier life that is a replay of this ..?”

      And often it is not until we really sit with ourselves go deeply inside with techniques that get us in touch with our subconscious that we start to reveal our true answers.

      I touch on that in my YouTube videos.

      https://www.youtube.com/subscription_center?add_user=MelanieToniaEvans

      I hope this hlps.

      Mel xo

      • wrtgaftrmidnight@aol.com'
        Bj
        February 22, 2016

        Melanie- Thank you for your answer. I am going to do the work. But how could he know this detail about my past? Or, is it my reaction – that he was trying everything until something hit?

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          February 23, 2016

          Hi Bj,

          because N’s know how to sense out peep’s weak spots … they need to in order to emotionally survive (keep the upper hand).

          Yes, we all showed up in ways that made these weak spots obvious for someone who knew what to look for.

          Mel xo

          • wrtgaftrmidnight@aol.com'
            Bj
            February 28, 2016

            I figured it out! He stopped saying he loved me after an argument six months before he left. He knew that bothered me. I also had told him at the beginning how I knew one of my long term relationships was over because my ex stopped physical contact. You know, in doing this work, the memories and thinking show us a lot about ourselves too. Thank you!

  • Deanannwebley@gmail.cim'
    Dee
    February 22, 2016

    Good morning everyone. I have been on this journey for two years up down and around. This post was the best written explanation of what happens that I have read in a long time. He did exactly what u said. Foolish me I need a ride today and texted him to find out if he could. He responded with details of where he was which was unnecessary a simple no would have been enough. Anyhow this is a hotel to which he takes women who behave. Needlessly to say I have never been there lol but on some level I am hurt. Our last falling out because I wouldn’t completely submit was 2 weeks ago and already u have found someone to take to this hotel. From ur blog I understand why I feel this way. I don’t know and need to know how to get past this feeling of sadness.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 22, 2016

      Hi Dee,

      I am so sorry that you are stuck in the cycle of this ..

      If you are ready to heal and have had enough – please join me in my next 3 Keys Webinar

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I’ll show you how to do the work on this to get out of it … I promise there is a way.

      Mel xo

  • tracybluebird@gmail.com'
    Tracy
    February 22, 2016

    Dear Melanie,

    I have a question about this cycle when it is impossible to REALLY do “no contact” because of children.

    Attempts to do no contact were so crucial for me and my kids, but then from out of no where, maybe even like once a year or every other year, he will drop in, or child support not being paid will “drop in” and it is like I am devalued and discarded all over again.

    I am owed so much money from him, but I felt it was not worth the baiting he did to get me back in the court room. There is just peace in me and my kids doing our best. Then he will just drop in, via phone text, and sometimes stalk the children outside out home when I am not around. It usually happens around holidays and their birthdays. My daughter, I feel was devalued and discarded by him a couple of years ago, around when she turned 18, when she told him to stop contacting her because his contact was unhealthy for her. He still contacts my son with secret money packets for him, telling him call me if you need money, call me if you want me to claim you on my taxes so you can get loan money, etc. , all the while missing 6 months of money he is supposed to pay me for child support. He will show up at his school and talk to the counselor, and never see my son or even attempt to.

    It is all just really weird. But it is so sporadic, but wham, I hear he visited and it is like I am feeling devalued and discarded.

    How can I get disconnected when I can’t do true no contact?

    Thank you so much for your help

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 23, 2016

      Hi Tracy,

      I am sorry you are going through this after so long …

      However truly there are people even actively co-parenting who do strict No Contact or very firm Modified Contact.

      These are people who did a lot of inner work to get past the fear of setting boundaries, who then could implement them.

      I shared this article earlier here in replies and I think it may help you a lot too.

      Because getting out of this struggle is possible for you.

      https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/why-wont-the-narcissist-leave-me-alone/

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • raeannerose@gmail.com'
    Anne
    February 23, 2016

    Hi Melanie. How is it a narc can be so emotionally abusive, yet come off as smelling like a rose to the rest of the world? It is insult to injury. Cause if you point out their flaws to others, YOU get blamed!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 23, 2016

      Hi Anne,

      truly we all went through that … and it is an insult to injury when we continue focusing on the narcissist and what they are or aren’t doing in order to try to be happy and whole in our life.

      Hence why we need to let go of all of that and do the work on ourselves to heal.

      Mel xo

  • laura.scott@fmc-na.com'
    LAURA
    February 23, 2016

    O-M-G. I am at the end of my recovery from a marriage of 23+6 years and 4 grown children (2 marriages to the same N) with a Narc. This article hit it on the head for me. I am so excited this is the first time I have ever wanted to write a comment. Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! Your work over the last 5 years has saved my life.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 23, 2016

      Hi Laura,

      I am so pleased you are excited!

      And you are soooo welcome – you deserve freedom and your True Life

      Yaya!!

      Mel xo

  • lindylou3011@outlook.com'
    Linda
    February 24, 2016

    Hello Melanie,
    Thank you for you articles, they always resonate with me.
    I met my N 17 years ago, one year after leaving my marriage with my two children.
    At first it was a whirlwind of compliments gifts and constant attention. Even back then something felt a bit off. It felt like he had made me the centre of his universe and i would feel guilt at not wanting to spend all my time with him. Long story short, his previous marriage ended as his wife had been unfaithful, we married 5 years after meeting as he always seemed very insecure just being in a de facto relationship.

    I didn’t see it at the time but he slowly but surely isolated me from my friends, family and even my two children who resided with us. if he wasn’t the centre of my attention he would sulk and when that didn’t have the desired affect he would have a tantrum and berate me for not being loving or affectionate enough or respectful of his feelings. He would even come to my workplace to chat with me and storm off, if in his words “Ï didn’t have time for him”
    Over the years i had been accused of being with other men or wanting to be with other men if i started to pull away from him to try and have something else in my life besides him. It might have been as inconsequential as going to the movies with girlfriends. Slowly but surely i had tried to find myself again and be the self assured and happy person i used to be.

    The last straw was in June 2014 when my older sister Deidre passed away suddenly at the age of 54.
    Both my sister and mother live in another state to me. My mother called to tell me the terrible news. I was just on my way out the door with a girlfriend to an expo in town. My N called me back in and my friend waited in the entry hall. After getting off the phone from my mother i went out to the hall to let Angela know what was going on. My N felt that i was disrespectful of his feelings as i didn’t go to him for his support and instead went out to my girlfriend.
    The next morning my N was in tears in the kitchen when i got up. His reason was that in bed that night he had said “I love you” and i hadn’t said it back.
    I flew out for the funeral and the Sunday before the funeral we had a viewing.
    This upset me greatly and when i got back to Mum’s i called N and his response to my telling him we had viewed Deidre was “What did she have to say for herself”
    Boy, it still hurts today.

    My adult children and i then rented a house and moved out in September 2014
    I have tried to do the no contact repeatedly over this time but i can’t seem to let him go.

    He now says he has had an epiphany and is aware of how badly he has treated me.
    Problem is he was actually in a sexual relationship with another woman from October 2014 to February 2015, yet was still coming to me asking for another chance and we were seeing a marriage counselor to try and sort some issues out. I found out he was in a sexual relationship from sexually explicit texts and pictures on his phone.
    He also said he had ended it on 16th Feb 2015 and I later found that he was still seeing her in April 2015 but insists the sex had stopped in February.
    I have also uncovered numerous lies and betrayals he has said and done over the last 12 months, too many to list.
    I found that in January 2015, while i was visiting my mother interstate, he was going to a massage place, near where he lives, and getting the ‘happy ending massage”. He has been going to this place for approx 5 years but swears it was only for a massage prior to November.

    I now know the man i fell in love with is a figment of my imagination and i should cut him out of my life and heal myself and my children and stop expecting him to be somebody he is not but i cant seem to let go. I am now seeing a psychologist and am on anti depressants as i was not coping very well. My psychologist is trying to help me stand up for myself. She believes i have built up a few schemas, the prominent on being the subjugation schema.

    Please help me be strong. I am an intelligent woman yet i still want to believe that he can change, we will reconcile and our relationship will be better than it was before.
    No, i don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus

    Linda

    • debbie.saklatvala@hotmail.co.uk'
      Debbie
      February 24, 2016

      Hi Melanie
      Why am I struggling to leave? I seem to find any excuse to stay. I know our son will be devastated as he has been put on a pedestal by his dad.
      I am also financially reliant on him ( I made a decision to build a business up so I am independant financially). I became strong and thought ‘This is it now enough is enough’. After a huge row I backed down and had a panic attack feeling that I wasn’t ready to leave, as I have no where to go to and this is my home. I link some fear back to my previous marriage with a sociopath, whom I managed to leave eventually and ended up with years of grief and hassle. My daughter has suffered from his abandonment on emotional needs of hers. I also follow the pattern of childhood, my father is also a narc and a serial philanderer like my husband, yet my mother remains with him. I said to myself that I did not want to end up like my parents which gave me strength to leave my first marriage. Now I struggle to let go although I no longer love him after all the affairs and lack of love, no affection, no sex, rejection and lack of emotion. He gives nothing to me but the roof over our head and thinks it is ok to live like this. Why am I here? There is no logic!!!!

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        February 26, 2016

        Hi Debbie,

        I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time and struggle with this …. this is common when we haven’t go to the bottom of what is going on for us and done the healing at that level.

        You are struggling to leave because the “hooks” have nothing to do with logic – if they did we would ALL have “just left”.

        If we could be “logical” it would be because we have “a rational adult” showing up as ourselves … yet when we feel powerless, helpless and broken it is because we are showing up in this situation as a “little girl” – we have original wounding which is triggering us back into our helplessness and the fears of being abandoned, unloved and unlovable.

        Emotions have NOTHING to do with logic, they are to do with subconscious embedded belief systems – which by 35 years of age generally control 90% + of our life.

        Which is why if we don’t address it at that level, and help heal and re-program “the little girl within” she can’t grow up and and can’t make choices that look after herself. In stark contrast she will take on the blame, keep going back for more and try to convince people who hurt her to love her instead.

        That is EXACTLY why you keep making excuses.

        That little girl within who was abused back then (by your father) and has kept replaying this as an “adult” is NOT going to ever respond to logic – she can only ever respond to deep inner contact connection and healing “with her” … which is exactly what Quanta Freedom Healing in the NARP Program creates.

        http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

        Hence why there are so many startling recoveries in this Community.

        Please also come into my next Webinar Group so that you truly learn how to heal from this …

        I promise if you are ready to do the work – you will …

        “Logic” will never get you there ….

        http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

        Mel xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 26, 2016

      Hi Linda,

      you are very welcome.

      The behaviours you are describing are very consistent with narcissistic insecurity …

      My heart goes out to you regarding your sister – my deepest condolences.

      And how heartbreaking that your husband made it “all about him”, (which is what most N’s do).

      It is also really common Linda, until we have done the work inside our own bodies – to release what has kept us hooked in – to struggle to let go.

      The truth is highly insecure people (not just N’s) need sexual attention as supply. People like him will always seek new sources, and it is often the jealous, controlling, accusatory types that are the most like to have supply on the side or replace you immediately when you leave – no matter how “clingy” and “heartbroken” they appear to be.

      Because it never was about “you” – it always was about “him”.

      You are right – there is NO happy ending to this relationship for you … only more pain and heartbreak.

      I would REALLY love you Linda to come into my next Webinar Group so that you can understand HOW to find, release and replace your exact inner unresolved wounds that are keeping you hooked in – in ways that cognitive healing simply can’t produce.

      Then I promise you – you will break free …

      You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by doing so …

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

      • lindylou3011@outlook.com'
        Linda
        March 2, 2016

        Thank you so much Melanie,
        I will go on the link now and sign up
        Again thank you for your support.
        I will get through this one step at a time with your communities support.
        Linda xxx

  • debbie.saklatvala@hotmail.co.uk'
    Debbie
    February 26, 2016

    Thank you for your reply Melanie. I bought your program more than a year ago and kept finding excuses not to get past the first session. I understand now that part of me wasn’t ready to accept that I am in an abusive relationship. Now I accept the things that I can’t change and am ready to focus on me!! Thank you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 2, 2016

      Hi Debbie,

      you are very welcome.

      That’s so great that it is your time now!

      Go get it girl!

      Mel xo

  • kalessio415@gmail.com'
    Kari
    February 27, 2016

    Hi Melanie,

    Went through idoling, devalue and discard over 2 years ago and still to this day have bad days. I know it’s the rejection and the feeling that he is off happily married to someone else (ugh). From what little bit I see on social media, they seem like the perfect couple doing all kinds of fun, cute things. He hid the “new supply” for months. I asked many questions when I felt he was pulling away about her only to have him gaslight me into thinking I was overthinking everything, she was a friend, the usual stuff. All of a sudden he’s engaged to her, then at that point started posting stuff all over social media of all the fun things they are doing. I still struggle with that. I realize my “inner child” is feeling the pain here, but how do I really get to my inner child and move on? I feel so stuck. I know he’s toxic. I have no idea if he is actually a real narcissist, just never experienced such highs than a “fall from grace”. I’m a mess still. I want to be free of this.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 2, 2016

      Hi Kari,

      I am so sorry you are going through this much pain … it can feel excruciating to be replaced.

      I promise you there is a total formula to do the inner work.

      I created it as the NARP Program http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp That is exactly how so many people in this community made it out to the other side.

      You can also learn so much about these processes in my next Webinar Group http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      When we have had enough of the pain Kari is when it is our time.

      Mel xo

  • danielledonnellrodriguez@comcast.net'
    Danielle
    February 27, 2016

    Hi Melanie,

    My ex narc and I broke up 3 months ago, within a month he was engaged and he recently married. he keeps calling, I am no contact, have been for 86 days…We have been on and off for 29 years. The last 5 years were the worst….I am learning to heal myself and your website is so helpful and insightful. I now know that everything he said, his tears, his promises were not real…I woke up the final time when my 15 year old daughter looked at me and said why bother breaking up with him you will only take him back. At that moment I realized that my co-dependency behavior was showing my son and daughter that I devauled my self by allowing his expensive gifts to me and them mask his lies and deceit. So I decided to stand up for myself…In this process I have realized my mother is a Narc and I begun setting boundaries with her and also having my children do the same. I now know why I attrack Narcs, I grew up under the same roof with one. Her rages and actions are so inappropriate, I no longer allow her negative comments and views to affect me…i am teaching my children the same. I have never been so happy in my life. Thank you for your information it keeps me and I am sure many others strong when we don’t think we can be. Narc Free in 2016!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 2, 2016

      Hi Danielle,

      how wonderful you are going narc-free and empowering your children.

      My own son Zac has been the “voice of reason” so many times as well – I can TOTALLY relate to how our precious, incredibly wise children have the clarity we sometimes lack.

      They look at a situation, call it honestly for what it is and WAKE us up!

      How gorgeous – and how beautiful now that you can grant them the health of seeing you by example honouring yourself.

      I love all of this!

      Keep up the great work and thank you for your post Danielle 🙂

      Mel xo

  • milicama09@gmail.com'
    Ananda
    March 8, 2016

    Hello,

    is falling in love phase (with anyone, not just Narcs) the same as idolization/obsession?

    another question…I’ve met many people who have characteristics of both narcissists and codependents but do not fit in any category, they’re like somewhere in between. They have plenty of narcissistic traits, but they’re not as cruel as N’s and they’re also not as kind and good as codependents. They usually have one narcissistic parent. What is psychological explanation of these “half-narcs”? Do they have conscience and are they looking for n supply or distraction from pain?

    xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      March 8, 2016

      Hi Ananda,

      Falling in love does not have to be about throwing all caution to the wind bonding too quickly and not being mature and realistic …

      Idolization truly is when people are in “romance” and not “reality” and sadly that is the programming many people have believed is what “love” is.

      I believe anyone sourcing self from outside of self is going to be operating in maladapted ways – and that is “unconsciousness” regardless of whether they are any particular label, a little of both or somewhere in between.

      The real question is: Are they willing to face their inner traumas and heal them to become conscious? And really is it even important what other people are or aren’t doing – or is what is really important – what WE choose to do?

      I believe it is the later … every time.

      Mel xo

      • milicama09@gmail.com'
        Ananda
        March 9, 2016

        Thank you Mel. I was asking about it because typical symptoms of falling in love look just like an idolization/obsession: constant thoughts about “love object”, possessiveness, jealousy, fear of rejection and separation… That’s why I was wondering whether falling in love is healthy at all.
        Can we release an obsession using NARP modules?

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          March 9, 2016

          Hi Ananda,

          you are very welcome 🙂

          Those states you mention are “childish” they are to do with people not being a healthy and solid mature source to themselves and hoping someone else will provide that for them.

          That is not true love -it is unhealthy attachment.

          People need to heal and grow up to be a mature adult container to hold love, and work with love growth with another heathily.

          Yes, absolutely NARP is about clearing up and healing the original wounds that cause us to take part in and be unhealthily obsessed.

          Mel xo

  • Nikkii1392@gmai.com'
    Nikki
    April 3, 2016

    Thank you! Reading this feels like I’m reliving the past 5 years of my life! I finally found the courage to break free and not get trapped in that toxic cycle yet again. Everything makes so much sense now. Now I can look forward to healing and loving myself. Thanl you!

  • Maggied374@gmail.com'
    Maggie
    April 3, 2016

    I don’t think I truly realized he was a narcissist until I read these posts. This is helping me immensely. Unfortunately, my narc is a close coworker, who has since left me for his ex. It’s a constant struggle to move forward, as I am continuously being sucked back in, but knowing I’m not alone in this helps. And knowing that he really would have never changed makes things at least a bit easier.

    XoxMaggie

  • Carafrescoln@yahoo.com'
    Cara
    April 6, 2016

    This is the first post I’ve read that makes total sense to me. My ex husband terrified me for years. We have two kids together which is very difficult. Thank you for making me realize no contact is best!

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