Melanie Tonia Evans

Why Narcissists Use Silent Treatment

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 14
114
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Narcissistic silent treatment is something that virtually every narcissist delivers skilfully. Ironically it’s the horrible blow that they themselves are terrified of – being rendered invalid, invisible and totally redundant. We all know what it is to ignore or be ignored – we may have snubbed someone at sometime in our life, or we may have been given the “cold shoulder” ourselves. We all clearly know silent treatment means this: “I disapprove of you or something you’ve done”.

However, this cruel action – narcissistic silent treatment – is a lot more impactful than merely being brushed off by someone. In my recent article regarding the passive-aggressive narcissist we looked into the ultimate weapon used – narcissistic silent treatment – yet in this article I want to go into this in more detail, to really help you understand this tactic that virtually every narcissist, at some stage, will use.

Narcissists purposefully punish with narcissistic silent treatment; it is used to teach the person it is directed at a lesson. The insane thing about it is, the narcissist may decide to grant no explanation whatsoever for days, weeks, months or even a lifetime. Truly, there are people who experience narcissistic silent treatment who never have any explanation or closure as to why.

In fact, at first, they thought something terrible has happened to the narcissist and that’s why he or she ‘disappeared’. But, usually, this is a pattern and we discover once this happens, it will continue to happen again and again.

And the sad thing is, so many people trapped in narcissistic relationships have tried to do everything they can to prevent the absolute horror of narcissistic silent treatment – being treated as if they no longer exist. They hand over more boundaries, rights and desires and give the narcissist more of what the narcissist wants, hoping this will stop the stonewalling and disappearing acts, but to no avail. These cruel acts continue to happen, for no valid reason.

Be very clear about this – silent treatment is about invaliding your existence, and narcissists can apply this in several different ways.

Please know, if the narcissist is using this weapon against you, and you stick around to receive it – it will keep coming – until the often inevitable ultimate discard.

 

Narcissistic Silent Treatment After a Breakup

This form of narcissistic silent treatment is a biggie. I have heard so many people in this Community, even after decades with a narcissist and sharing children, when discarded (and usually replaced) being shell-shocked at how the narcissist is capable of shutting them out, and not giving a damn.

They are devastated to experience that the narcissist will not offer any explanation or grant any form of compassion – and is not interested in anything other than forgetting them and getting on with his or her life. The horror of being discarded like yesterday’s garbage, after years of service and devotion, is unspeakable.

It’s so sad that many of these discarded people were long ago been trained into accepting a relationship that was all about the narcissist and very little about them. Even so, they feel like they can’t imagine life without the narcissist. Now the narcissist won’t return their calls, won’t deal with them face to face and is leaving everything up to their solicitors. It is like No Contact has been reversed, the narcissist is the one executing it – with unyielding deliberate force.

This continues, unless the new source of supply is not working out, then the narcissist may return as if nothing happened. This is what many long-suffering partners of narcissists have dealt with for years. Affairs, discard, silent treatment, return, false promises … and the cycle inevitably happens all over again, until it finally is the end (which usually comes).

Is it guilt causing the narcissist to cut themselves off from their previous spouse and sometimes even their family? No, the narcissist will have their self-serving justifications for doing what he or she has done, and the ex-spouse has already been degraded and reduced in value in the narcissist’s psyche to someone who needs to be dispensed of, totally confirming the narcissist’s version of things.

The pulling away and not returning any contact is something narcissists can do with any relationships. What is so painful, when the narcissist walks away and ignores you without a backward glance, is the suddenness, severity and finality that it feels like. Possibly, seemingly moments before, you were being told you were desired and valued, and then you are meaningless and not wanted.  Narcissists switch from adoring you to abhorring you on a dime.

Over the last decade I have heard so many versions of the capacity of narcissistic silent treatment – ranging from long-term marriages with narcissists all the way to brief flings where narcissists told people incredible stories such as, they are the narcissists soul mate, and they are destined life partners, only to have the narcissist then vanish into thin air, totally uncontactable – leaving them devastated, shattered and reeling.

If this has happened to you, you may obsess about, “Didn’t s/he feel that intense connection, that I did, too?” The truth was – no, you were simply being used to gratify the narcissist’s False Self in the time you spent together.

 

Everyday Narcissistic Silent Treatment

When the narcissist is suffering some form of narcissistic injury, when they cannot self-medicate their inner self-annihilating critic with enough narcissistic supply, he or she may decide to punish you with narcissistic silent treatment.

This can be a cruel game, like a cat tormenting a mouse, because you will ask the narcissist what is wrong, and maybe even enquire if have you done something to hurt them. You may get cryptic short answers or simply more of being ignored. Either way, the narcissist is screwing with your noodle, because there is no real explanation and you have no idea what is going on.

You are likely to react because this triggers deep insecurities within you. If you don’t and you remain calm the narcissist will simply up the ante and make sure they keep ignoring you until you do react.

Once you react, you have entered the ring where the narcissist has you pinned in the corner. Now he or she can twist things, blame you, or leave, adding the cruelty of abandonment on top of narcissistic silent treatment. Of course, this is likely to prompt you to get upset. Now the narcissist has you exactly where he or she wants you – emotionally incapacitated, deranged and hooked, and fully handing attention over to them.

Things happen like the narcissist switches their phone off, and you leave numerous missed calls, which the narcissist later showcases to everyone convincing people that you are abusive, controlling and crazy. This, of course, gleans tons of narcissistic supply from the narcissist’s audience in the process.

I experienced this in my narcissistic relationship, as I know many of you have. After getting hooked in and further abused (including smeared to all and sundry) so many times, I sometimes succeeded in detaching. The narcissistic silent treatment would go on for days on end, and even though I was feeling so low, worthless and intensely insecure and panicked I would do everything I could not to bite and get involved.

So he changed tactics. After realising I wouldn’t hook in, he would erupt and attack me for ignoring him and not caring about him and clearly, I must be having an affair because I wasn’t connecting with him. It didn’t matter how many times I told him he started it – he again, with precise narcissistic expertise, would have me so confused and bamboozled I had no idea what had really happened.

The truths were, in regard to his narcissistic silent treatment at home, I was damned if I went in to try to pull him out of it, and I was damned if I didn’t.

 

Silent Treatment When You Need Support

I really do believe that this version of narcissistic silent treatment is one of the cruellest and most heartbreaking forms imaginable. I remember, when one of my dearly beloved cats Ruby was run over and killed that I was beyond devastated. (As you can imagine being the cat lover I am.) I had family and friends grant me love and support, yet the narcissist went as cold as ice and would not speak to me.

He had done this before, completely pulling away from me and refusing to acknowledge I existed when something in my life was challenging, painful or even devastating – in short when I needed him the most. I felt beyond abandoned by him and when I tried to confront him about it he left and deserted me even more.

Finally, he broke his silence by attacking me mercilessly how everyone else that I had connected to for comfort was more important than him, and how disgusting I was to use the death of my cat to get sympathy from others in this way (of course a narcissistic projection).

I was devastated, I was guttered. I remembered lying on my back lawn as I had many times, sobbing all night.

Now that I understand how narcissists operate, I know this total emotional abandonment and betrayal came about because of his narcissistic rage when I was unavailable to provide him with narcissistic supply, and when the spotlight was well and truly off him.

I know so many of you have suffered at a narcissist’s hands terribly when in need, and they have completely abandoned and ignored you and possibly even cut off all contact. I can’t even begin to list the stories I have heard in this last decade when people have had serious things happen such as a death of a family member, or dreadful illness or injuries and been completely deserted by narcissists.

If you become “high maintenance” (need support) a narcissist is likely to start looking for a fresher source of narcissistic supply who will feed their False Self. A perfect example is my girlfriend’s girlfriend who was dying in palliative care whilst her narcissistic husband was rustling up dates on dating sites.

He couldn’t even wait until she had passed. I know we can’t even begin to stomach how unthinkable this is – but to him, it was totally justifiable.

Let’s talk more about how narcissists use the weapon – silent treatment, to get fresh sources of supply.

 

Using Silent Treatment to Generate Fresh Narcissistic Supply

I connected to a lady, very recently, whose narcissistic husband would go quiet and withdraw and then he would disappear, without a word. Surely this qualifies as “narcissistic silent treatment”? I think it does, as well as downright total abandonment. He would be uncontactable at these times for weeks or months on end.

Of course, she discovered he was spending time with other women during these absences.

Clearly, when narcissists go missing in action (MIA) this is when they are usually up to no good. It is such a relief for narcissists to escape the confinement of being “an average human” which is repugnant to their False Self. Narcissists crave the extra curriculum activates that feed their need for drama, significance, fresh supply and excitement.

Narcissists need narcissistic supply like ice addicts need ice. If a narcissist has pulled away to ignore you, there is every chance he or she is seeking new supply. I truly can’t think of one example of someone telling me about the silent treatment and cruel desertions they are suffering where this wasn’t eventually the discovered truth.

However, (as I mentioned earlier in this article) if things aren’t going swimmingly with the new sources of supply, the narcissist may return like a homing pigeon. Then he or she breaks their silence, starts communicating, with very little if any explanation and expects to pick up exactly where everything was left off.

The person who has been suffering the incredible trauma of narcissistic silent treatment will usually shut up and put up and reconnect just to try to get some relief from the intense trauma they are feeling. In fact, they may feel powerless not to, and the cycle mercilessly continues stripping their self-worth more and more. Many people have conceded that abuse, in the form of some sort of response, was preferable to being iced out and treated like “something worthless”.

And so it happens, the healthy expectations we have for a relationship get whittled away to nothing other than pure trauma bonding, where any crumb granted is a massive high – a relief that we get addicted too and hooked on – regardless of how much we are abused. When indecent behaviour becomes our normal, narcissists simply hurt us even more.

The lady that I was in communication with, stated that she tried to offer him more of herself when he returned after his affairs so he wouldn’t leave again. Ultimately it happened – he left her for good for another woman that he had been spending time with, and the silent treatment this time became a permanent silence. By the time that happened she felt like she was plunged into a deep abyss. The truth was her self-worth had been shattered long ago.

 

Other Ways The Relationship May Reunite After Silent Treatment

Many people when receiving the narcissist silent treatment, panic as their unhealed terrors of abandonment surface at full strength. At times, when I failed at disconnecting, I was one of these people. I would track him down and beg him to reconnect. I was also apt to give in to his demands and have no choice other than to take full responsibility for whatever I had supposedly done to him – in order for me to retain him in my life.

Narcissists will use the silent treatment as a powerful method to get the message across if you are prone to react how I used to. It is an effective way of getting us to hand over boundaries and gain control.

Interestingly when I gained strength and the silent treatment didn’t work on me, and I started to feel surer inside about moving on, that is when he would hoover me and draw me back into the web. And of course nothing was resolved, the cycles of abuse were forever cycling and returning.  My unhealed traumas that were keeping me stuck in the game were playing out continuously – and I know it could well be the same for you.

That was until I went No Contact for good and finally healed what I needed to. People have asked me, “But isn’t me going no contact doing ‘The Silent Treatment?'”

Please know No Contact is a healthy statement that is necessary to save our life and soul and grants us enough space to get our real inner healing done.

This is not some purposeful tactic to degrade, control and punish someone – it is a definitive statement of I love myself enough to say “no more” and finally heal the reasons within which keeps us doing this deadly dance with narcissists.

 

The Ultimate Discard of Your Worth

What is narcissistic silent treatment REALLY about? Narcissistic silent treatment carries THIS “message” to its victim …

You are not worth anything in my life. You are not even worthy of one scrap of my attention.

The chilling truth is, apart from the ongoing cycles of narcissistic silent treatment, it can be used as a permanent axing of you.

When a narcissist has decided you have got too close – you know what is under the mask and they could possibly be exposed, or if they have drained you of all that you could possibly give, or you no longer supply the stuff that makes their life interesting and exciting enough, or if better narcissistic supply appears, or if you were only ever used as a tool to momentarily freed the ego or punish on a current partner  … or for whatever reason they have decided you don’t fit in to their agenda anymore – then you will be sacked from their life.

Permanent narcissistic silent treatment has happened for this reason – the narcissist has simply changed movie sets. The things and people who are no longer relevant to the present grandiose, fictitious, pathological needs of the False Self, are deemed redundant and discarded accordingly.

 

How To Heal For Real

There is only one way to heal from this – use space and silence from the narcissist to your advantage. And, there is only one truth to this – you are going to have to detach, pull away and heal in order to escape this life which is destroying your life force and not allowing you to be able to live your true joy, love and unique contributions as your True Self.

There is no easy way to go No Contact with a narcissist. There is no easy way to go alone and feel like you would in a normal relationship breakdown – that it is sad but okay to end it.

With narcissistic abuse you have suffered severe soul violation – you feel depressed, emotionally and mentally fractured, confused, unworthy, needy and constantly triggered. None of this eases and the narcissist is absolutely unavailable, unwilling and incapable of taking your pain away – there is no resolution there.

It’s time when we “get it” that it’s time, to take any opportunity to do the most important work of our life, which is to disconnect from the narcissist, withdraw all of our attention from them, turn inwards to ourselves and find and heal the broken parts of ourselves that the narcissist is reflecting back at us with his or her traumatising behaviour.

These are all the parts of us that feel unlovable and not enough, and that we only have worth if someone else is loving us, rather than knowing we have enough worth to love ourselves and leave if they don’t.

Be prepared, after the silent treatment, that if you stay away and do take this very important work that the narcissist is then likely to hoover you.

They feel the disconnect, they know when you are getting off the narcissistic supply snack list and they may well try to put you back in there. Resist that too – keep going – because if you capitulate you will again fall into the cycle of violence – which narcissistic silent treatment totally is – and the cycles intensify and get worse and worse.

Now the narcissist will make sure he or she has you where they want you – because you will be mercilessly punished for nearly getting away.

If this article resonates with you and you know its time to stop the madness and torture and heal yourself beyond this. Then I’d love you to join me for a free 16-day recover course, which includes 2 comprehensive eBooks, a 3-hour healing workshop with me and lots more.

You can sign up to the free 16-day recovery course here.

I hope from the bottom of my heart that this article has helped you gain clarity, sanity and strength, and inspired you to join me in my workshop, where I just know can help you reach the next level of your recovery.

I look forward to answering your comments and questions below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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114 Thoughts on Why Narcissists Use Silent Treatment
  • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
    stephen
    November 26, 2017

    My narc had a pattern, it was 6 weeks of silent treatment and then 3 days I was treated as if I were human. No matter how hard I tried she would find some excuse to get offended over on the 3rd day and the cycle would start all over again.

    If I asked what the problem is, I’d get some answer than made no sense to me and then I’d get accused of being lame or insensitive because her answer makes no sense to me. After well over a decade of this, it just became a way of life, it didn’t have to make sense. If she wanted to act like a baby that was her prerogative.

    I believed she lived to get offended. If she didn’t have some reason to be offended, she didn’t feel alive. The narc can dish out the silent treatments, but they sure can’t take what the dish out.

    I purposely worked long hours on night shifts just so I wouldn’t have to be around her.

    These silent treatments affected our children and as they became adults they also practice this. Needless to say they don’t keep long term friends or relationships. Silent treatments are ABUSE and nobody should have to put up with it.

    After going MGTOW for 4 years, I dated a lady and she tried the silent treatment on me, that was her last silent treatment on me and that was the last time she ever saw me. Hasta la vista baby.

    • riverlyn@att.net'
      Lyn
      November 27, 2017

      Stephen, they “live for the fight” to justify their existence. Show how indispensable they are to you/me. That we can’t live without them protecting and leading or whatever their venue is. At least that’s how it was in my 16 year marriage with my Narc. I was completely successful and independent prior to meeting him, I was 33 yrs old. In the beginning my marriage, it was AWESOME. In my 3rd year everything changed.

      To date, he’s still leaving me voicemail’s and even having his friends (not many) call me. Four year painful nasty divorce. He’s had three fiancees in one year and finally married (and so I think) the last one, however, he’s stilling calling me. Weird !!!

      I am No Contact period!! It has taken me two years after my divorce was final to finally find myself again and I’m still working on “me”.

      Stay strong to you and everyone that is involved in a Narc relationship. It comes in all different ways.

      I will say that Melanie Tonia Evans is the BEST REAL LIFE advice I’ve ever come across ;and I’ve been through counseling during our my marriage, during contemplating divorce and now being single.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 27, 2017

      Hi Stephen,

      I SO agree – there has to be a much healthier way of communicating than the silent treatment. It simply isn’t mature!

      Mel xo

      • writerartistmhardin@yahoo.com'
        Marguerite
        November 27, 2017

        Hi Jane Loftus,
        I was married to a narc for twenty years and we share a son who is now grown. I was fortunate in that I made the decision to go NO CONTACT long before I ever l’earned of Melanie’s excellent advice. There is a HUGE difference between the silent treatment of a narcissist and the silence of No Contact. Perhaps one of the most notable is that through No Contact, a healing begins to take place. The other silence does NOT heal anyone. It is strictly reactionary. NO CONTACT is not a punishment for the narcissist; is is a solace to the person who chooses this option. It is a very difficult decision for some people to make. There was a time when I was not ready to make it. However, if you reach the complete understanding that your relationship is toxic and that it will not ever truly change, then hopefully you will also be empowered to make that decision. I have not spoken to the other party for over a year and a half and I am finally no longer obsessed with the idea of “what can I do?” The answer is simple: you must do for yourself and allow the narcissist to be responsible for his/her own life. You deserve better for your life and you have a community of people here who support you and want better for you.

      • Stacie64@aol.com'
        Stacie
        November 27, 2017

        Hi Melanie,
        My husband has a cycle too. We’ve been married for 3 years. It started quickly after marriage. He would fall asleep on the couch for a couple days. As everything was changing and I was pushing back, it would be longer with shorter times of coming to bed. This was a huge problem for me as I was single for 13 years and was so excited to have that connection and intimacy that I was missing. His cycle starts as, come home from work, happy, rubbing my shoulders, hugging, kissing (I fall in face first because I’m desperate for touch and attention since I’m denied) he sleeping in the room and the next morning there is sex, which continues for a few days. At the end of this few days he would find a reason to be upset and be back on the couch for weeks. This has gone on for the last 3 years. The worst being this year. He slept downstairs for the first 6 months of the year. When we talk about it, he’s got a long list of reasons why, knows how painful and rejecting it is for me but continues doing it. I’ve asked for a separation and he’s warned me he will divorce me. I decided in October that I would leave, hired a lawyer, filed, took 1/2 of our money and am staying at my parents house. I called him to tell him I am staying here and he fell apart, wants to work it out, asked me to give him a chance to get counseling, which he is doing. I put the divorce on hold. I don’t know what to do. We are in our 50’s. I have a daughter in college, he has two in high school who’s mom has passed. He’s warned me I would have no contact with them if we divorce and that is a big red light for me. I’m feeling stuck.

        • Pennykorpita@gmail.com'
          Penny
          November 27, 2017

          Hi Stacie,
          I understand so much of what you are going through. I divorced my N after only 2 years together. I had two step daughters, one step son and two young grandsons that I adored and now have no contact with because his behavior to me wasn’t apparent to anyone and I didn’t want to bad mouth him when I left so it is as if I never existed. It has been difficult and sad to let go and feel insignificant.
          When he was angry at me he would not speak to me or touch me for days at a time. Being ignored is a huge trigger for me or I should say, it was. I am doing modules whenever I start to believe I am not important.
          I had left several times because I needed to prove to myself that I was not the common denominator in all of my previous relationships and what I realized was that I gave everyone hundreds of chances to be kind but the true common denominator was that all of the men in my life have been narcissistic and now with the modules I am healing.
          Good Luck!
          Penny

        • jraltizer@gmail.com'
          No Name
          November 28, 2017

          He has to go. In a couple months he will revert back to his old self. Been there – done that.
          I wish you the best of luck.

      • cmhickman@shaw.ca'
        Mary
        December 4, 2017

        I am in the middle of a very contentious divorce from a narcissist. It is excruciating. He is trying to take everything away from me. He is bullying, belligerent, and his facts are all wrong. How can I best deal with this situation without spending a fortune on legal fees? Any advice from Narc survivors?

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          December 5, 2017

          Hi Mary,

          have you ever accessed Quanta Freedom Healing – that is how all of us shifted to a different state and then opened up into a way of being and accessing support with this that was completely diffrent to the powerless place we have been before that shift.

          I’d love you to come into my free webinar Mary, I know how much it will help you and explain to you what I mean – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

          I hope this helps.

          Mel xo

        • tammy.mann230@yahoo.co.uk'
          Tam
          December 22, 2017

          Read divorce law. Knowledge will help you keep the costs down.

        • CarolLamon@aol.com'
          Cara
          January 14, 2018

          Mary,

          I’m going through the same thing. We’ve been married for 6 years. We’re in our early 60’s. He was my HS sweetheart and a bad breaker-upper back then, too.

          My narc has always been prone to extreme rages, normally resulting in me reacting with anger (I’m still trying so hard not to let him get a rise out of me, but he always takes me by surprise I erupted in kind. He admitted right before he started this craziness that he does it deliberately. His response once he’d gotten me worked up was to shut down and leave.

          Our divorce is because my daughter, her husband and their three kids moved 750 miles to live near me this year. He despises kids, hates my grandchildren and has this idea in his head that my daughter is only after money. She had called on 9/1 to tell me the kids would love to spend time with me for the three day weekend. I suggested a cookout that Sunday. My husband went ballistic. He wanted to make beer(!) I told him he could and the kids would stay out of his way. He escalated the fight to the point where I had had enough. These are my grandchildren!!! I told him he had used me when we reconnected and the sale of my house got him to the city he always dreamed of moving to (true), all he brought to our marriage were debt and obligations, our marriage was a sham and no man should ever ask his wife to choose between him and her children. He shut down.

          That night he slept in the guest room (a regular occurrence over the 9 years we were together). Within a week he had closed our joint credit cards, pulled out of a new house we’d bought, emptied his things from our closet and moved to the basement, removed his wedding ring, started packing, emptied our bank accounts of over $80,000 and started a campaign of sabotage to the point where my company told me I needed to start working in the office (I’ve worked remotely for over 18 years). He filed for divorce the following week, several days before I did.

          He’s created a fantasy in his head that I’ve given my daughter substantial amounts of money so I’m being asked to provide a horrendous amount of bank statements and credit card statements to prove him wrong. He and his lawyer cancelled our mediation scheduled this week. Why? Because I didn’t provide as much documentation as they wanted. In other words, they found nothing in what I did send. My lawyer is livid. He wants half the equity in our house (again, which the sale of my house purchased) and he wants to keep all his retirement. What a guy.

          He has not spoken to me in 4-1/2 months except to belittle me and start fights. He’s called the police telling them I tried to push him down the stairs (thank god my counselor was available). He’s bluffed several times about calling the police during fights, the most recent last night. It’s been insane!

          I wish I could maintain calm and not react, but it’s incredibly hard and he knows what buttons to push.

          Best of luck to you.

    • ttrudi22@gmail.com'
      Peace
      November 28, 2017

      I am currently on day one of no contact – I have been lied to, conned, drip fed and controlled. In my emotional scupperment, I found that attempting to reason with an unreasonable person was all too futile, therefore am starting the process of healing. I know all too well the struggles of supply and demand whilst covering up my actions as I continued to ignore my ‘gut feeling’. The feeling was from day one and was always with me – i chose to ignore as i wanted so much to see the good and turn away from the bad.

      I was already in emotional turmoil as having lost my beautiful father, i then saw myself in a different light, i have no idea where the inner strength came from as i was under her cold, maladaptive derision all my life, eventually tired and exhausted i walked away from her sycophantic behaviours. I then took a serious Cardiomyopathy (two in one month) this is a heart attack with a difference – it’s caused by anxiety and acute stress – doctors call it ‘broken heart syndrome’ and it leaves muscle damage to the heart.

      Shortly thereafter, I nearly lost my son to a bike accident, one month later i too was in a serious car accident. So, yes, i was an emotional wreck. Then came along my ‘saviour’ i met this person on a depression site, charming agreeable with similar hyper-vigilant tendencies form past hurts – We became firm friends and then it all started…he was in trouble with his ex – he wanted out of where he lived and you guessed it, i came to the rescue. I got him a flat to stay, helped him find a job, gave him as much as i could to help him. The flat belonged to my son who had bought a house but still kept the flat on – he did not charge him for staying there and he offered nothing for it. Well, we all thought give him a chance he’s been through so much. Turns out he was on probation for harassment of his ex – he was on a supervision order and made to have no contact with his ex – i was drip fed this information until i explained to my son what was going on. My son went off on one totally shocked by this and said; “Mum, do you not hear how normal you sound telling me all this?” That’s when the penny dropped. I started asking questiins – he did not like that. He went behind my sons back and got a tenancy agreement which was illegal (this was to show probation officers that he had an address). He refused to speak with me on the subject we tried to get him to leave but he wouldn’t. The came the blame – he blamed me for being paranoid, not accepting him. Convinced he was having an affair with someone he met here as he would always disappear on his days off, he totally shut down and stayed in the flat where he still is. He would tell me he was leaving on a certain day, my family would arrange to collect thing they owned from the flat but then he would cancel and disappear just before it happened. We were led a merry dance with him. Now my son will not speak with me as he holds me responsible for all the mess. I tried to reason with this man to no avail – then i broke contact – he then came back telling me he never wanted to see or hear from me again, 15 mins later text and said he did not love me anymore, 10 mins later text and said he did love me but was leaving me because of my actions. This nearly sent me over the edge as then he called to ask was my heart ok and to let him know how i was keeping. This person knew exactly what they were doing, pretending to care to get supply to quench his ego then when the well went dry became nasty. He even accused me of breaking the door down in the flat and stealing form him. I have never stolen anything from anyone in my life. All tactical and strategic methods of control. I thought my heart was going to busrt open at one point and had to be taken to the hospital. The last thing i said to him was that my family would not be duped by someone like him, and that my son is no longer speaking with me. What a surprise to get no reply- he got what he wanted and i was a pawn to be moved in his game. Well, the first day of no contact and i already fell calmer and more content. I can’t stand people who lie their way through life – his past was really awful but that’s his responsibility to try fix that, not mine, I am saddened by no contact with my son as we had a beautiful warm relationship which is now damaged. I am 50 years old and was always young looking healthy and fit and now I am but a shell of who I once was.

  • janeloft@aol.com'
    Jane
    November 26, 2017

    What is the difference between the narcissist giving the silent treatment or me doing no contact?

    • Getmail100@Yahoo.com'
      Bren
      November 26, 2017

      Jane Loftus…it’s the in this post…read it again…it’s very clearly stated by Mel.

    • riverlyn@att.net'
      Lyn
      November 27, 2017

      Jane, true, it can be very confusing because we’re not “wired” that way to understand them. We can’t figure them out. It’s like reverse-physiology. In quiet time re-read Melanie’s advice. It’s so accurate. Take time and best of luck.

    • lucy.mae@westnet.com.au'
      Lucy
      November 27, 2017

      Integrity, Jane. You withdraw contact in order to protect and restore your self. A narcissist withdraws contact in order to punish and control you. Your reason is rational and nurturing. Theirs is irrational and destructive.

      That’s on the inside. On the outside, it’s really really hard. I didn’t withdraw contact, I declined it. I saw what she was, predicted she would want her foot in my door, and I said no. But that only gave her fodder (I did, after all, reject her first) and made it too easy for her to smear me.

      The only question is: Which do you want the most? Integrity? The inner knowledge that you are a good person who cares enough to do the right thing for you? Or outer affirmation that people out there ‘like’ you, or ‘approve’ of you?

      Thank you for your question – I have been battling so hard with this – you have helped me to answer mine!
      And PS, when Melanie says make that inner world secure, and the outer world will follow – she is right!

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        November 27, 2017

        HI Lucy,

        BRILLIANT answer!

        Love it 🙂

        Mel xo

      • janie_escobar@sbcglobal.net'
        Janie
        November 27, 2017

        Could it be a good thing to have your narcissist go no contact?? I think so, Lucy. Yes, Mel is right!!!

    • Charaln71@gmail.com'
      Nina
      November 27, 2017

      When we do no contact we are not looking for attention or supply. We just want them out of our lives.
      When they do silent treatment they want attention. They’re playing a game. Their aim is to make us feel unworthy and guilty and then we stupidly give them what they want.

      • janie_escobar@sbcglobal.net'
        Janie
        November 27, 2017

        I don’t think so, Nina!!! or like my great grandma used to say, “No creo yo” LOL!!!

      • ryanfarris64@gmail.com'
        Ryan
        December 16, 2017

        That’s exactly right. I’ve now been through the silent treatment (rejection) phase twice now in the past 8 years. Last time, I stupidly wanted to preserve my family and get things back to how they were before. I accomplished that, but I wish I would have followed through with the divorce. Within the past month, the cycle of silence or discarding of me has happened yet again. I’m not going through that nonsense again. This time, I understand that it will never get better, and she’ll never be the person I want her to be. I have since gone “no contact” as much as I possibly can, and now that I understand how to identify the manipulation tactics, I will not fall for them again.

  • smalltowndrama@gmail.com'
    ree
    November 26, 2017

    I’m going through this abandoning now. Thanks to much deep thought and research, and especially to this site; I have finally decided I’m DONE. Reading the part about that they almost always do so because of another love interest / supply angers me but makes sense.
    I’m assuming it’ll be the same as in the past and he’ll try to reconnect in a week or two. Is it wrong to consider acting like everything is okay again and then screw him over??? He’s offered money in the past if I needed it and I hadn’t taken him up on the offer, but am tempted now. After the check is cashed I’d love to tell him I finally figured him and his con game out and that he just got conned. I’m normally a very kind person, but feel pretty foolish now and am not afraid of confrontation or revenge.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 27, 2017

      Hi Ree,

      that is great you have decided you are done. This may help in regard to the question that you have about that – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GALB8OXwSmw

      Wishing you strength and amazing healing Ree.

      Mel xo

      • smalltowndrama@gmail.com'
        ree
        November 27, 2017

        I just watched the video. Thanks so much. It really helped. I hadn’t thought about how my revenge would fuel his supply because he doesn’t care what type of attention he’s getting, and I refuse to feed him anymore.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          November 27, 2017

          Hi Ree,

          I am so pleased this made sense. Correct, don’t give him anything!

          Mel xo

        • rjcorp4us@gmail.com'
          jackie young
          November 27, 2017

          I love it! I had watched that video a couple weeks ago as well as the one about what happens “when they get old” and I decided to set all that anger aside, all the little things I kept on a list in my mind that I could do to “get him back” so to speak. I wanted him to pay for taking a big part of my life away. It had only been a little over 7 years in “real” time but it’s really over 25 years of “MY time”, and its not going to be over until 32 years of my life is ruined. (Changed from wasted) because I have surely learned a lifetime of lessons. Anyhow, I’ve learned that the “N” will not only destroy himself, but in our mid fifties it’s gonna be hard for him to find supply and ultimately will grow old and grumpy, far from the peaceful fulfilled dream I thought we shared. I’ve had several enlightening experiences since making my “no contact” decision. The first was an event of which he flipped, accused me of doing things with another man, verbally tormented me and got himself punched in the eye, and in the continuance of that event at the home of friends he continued to act like a baby, demand that I CATER to his needs,(Since it was all my fault, of course) and as he gaslighted me I stayed strong, listening to the low blows,with an occasional response of which i also learned… “I’m sorry you feel that way” as my friend glared at me in disbelief until I couldn’t take anymore and got up and walked out. Normally he would follow and torment me but didn’t being I’m sure he had to make up for his behavior having a smear campaign. Ive seen him twice since then in public luckily and all he does is make a fool of himself when I say “no” or “i dont know”. I was too scared to say “never”, when he asked “when i would feel like spending time with him” he ended up in a rage making threats about other men, and stomped off yelling “and it will be your fault” leaving me shook up and humiliated, yet gratefull for the other people in my presence whom chose to stand around instead of leave. Ive heard he had a bad day on thanksgiving after i was a no show. Friends begged for me to go, (im sure he put them up to it), so today, no matter how much i miss him or want to fix my lonliness, i know that he is worst off cause im not feeding him, especially knowing that the reason why he’s trying so hard to be with me is because his back up supply didnt work out, not because he loves me. Remember it was fake to begin with so the !@#$^&* can STARVE!

          P.S. My calculation of years is due to Financial reasons.

  • ktallman76@gmail.com'
    Anon
    November 26, 2017

    You are an angel!! Thank you for all of the support and info!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 27, 2017

      Hi Anon,

      thank you for your lovely comment and you are very welcome 🙂

      Mel xo

  • julblay@aol.com'
    J
    November 26, 2017

    Wow! This is so very helpful. Just reading this I can look back at the beginnings of the silent treatment and how they were used to gain more and more control and to take away my beliefs in a good relationship. And yes they have been damned if you do damned if you don’t react.
    Lastly it was after I finally had enough and broke it down up wth my bf that the abuse seemed to just get worse and worse and I keep allowing myself to get pulled back in. Pulled back with hopes it could get better, but how when I can see more and more how I’m being manipulated and there is no remorse or responsiblity taken for the hurtful things that have been done or said. Why do I stay?!? I’ve thought over and over that I need to go with no contact in order to get past this and to begin to heal. But then I feel guilty because how can I go from being so in love with this person and so close to taking that next step in spending my life with them, to cutting them out of my life? It is so hard to have NC and actually he won’t allow it. I have even asked for a time out so we can both get our heads straight to figure out what we want in this relationship and for ourselves and each other. He threatened it to be over if we do that. I’m not sure I’m ready for that and hence I guess I keep allowing him to mess with my head. How can I let go of what I thought was a future with the man I love?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 27, 2017

      Hi J,

      I am so pleased this helps.

      We stay because we have unhealed traumas from our childhood which match – in some way – what is happening to us. It was the same for all of us until we found them and healed them. Being hooked into narcissistic abuse is not logical and very few of us healed it in that way.

      J, that threat is the way he holds you – and most N’s do it. I’d love you to come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to see what Quanta Freedom Healing and NARP can do for you

      My heart goes out to J, I used to feel exactly like you do too – and I know its a horrible place to be – but I promise you when you heal and you finally are in love with someone healthy you will be so thrilled you DID break away and do the work. In fact, you will be thrilled even long before that person comes along because you will have healed your relationship with you.

      Hun, there is nothing else to do.

      Mel xo

      • Julblay@aol.com'
        J
        November 27, 2017

        Thank you

    • rjcorp4us@gmail.com'
      jackie young
      November 27, 2017

      Ive been feeling the same, and the last line in my previous blog is what I keep telling myself when I start to think of him or feel guilty, or feel sorry for him, why? ….”he never really loved me?

  • katwoman0318@gmail.com'
    Kathleen Reynolds
    November 26, 2017

    I divorced my Narc in April, went no contact, thenhe contacted,me through email because I had him blocked. After much thought, I contacted him, which I regret now. When I contacted him, he talked about how,he was getting help from a sponsor (he is an o OTR truck driver now after losing a teaching job due to meth. We had,been together for 9 years, marriedfor 2, the first 4 years were great, then he got into meth 5 years ago, went to rehab, came out more like the guy I met, then he started relapsing. Since he started the drug again, he started disappearing again for days, or 2 weeks, so I knew he was cheating, but he would always deny it, but I knew he was. Last year, he blew $10,000 on drugs and God knows what else. When we started talking a couple of months ago, he promised to get help, sent flowers, etc. and he told,me he had come clean with his family (very dysfunctional family) about what he did to me, but I am not sure because his father kept pushing to sign the divorce, even though I have been nothing but nice to them, and I was loyal and faithful to him through 5 years of hell. I did not realize he was a Narcissist until after I filed fir divorce, and I have completely educated myself about this. So I was dealing with a Narcissist and an addict. I blocked him recently because he started becoming abusive and insulting over the phone, and he made some really inappropriate and crude sexual comments like, did I think my sister would send me pictures of her husban’s penis, and other comments that really were quite bizarre. I texted him afterwards and told him what I thought of his comments and his behavior, and that I needed a break. So I blocked him again. I am not working right now, I am waiting for a disability judgement, and I got really sick in July, took them 3 months to find out I was Vutamin D deficient, I was very sick. I had no energy, but I am feeling better, but it takes 4-8 weeks to recover. So I didn’t want to, but I called him Monday night to borrow some money to pay my phone bill. He knows my circumstances, but he was very cruel, said I only called him when I needed money, which is not true. Then he said he got mad for me taking him off facebook, can you imagine, no apology or recognition that the reason that I took him off, and still none. Then 2 nights later, he ends me a You Tube song by Darius Rucker called “Comeback Song” , on which he sings about being sorry he let someone go, didn’t realize how much he needed her and to come back. I asked him how he could be so cruel 2 nights before ( forgot to mention that he told me Monday that he was not going to pay for the car that he bought me this summer, that he promised to pay for, and he took me off the heakth insurance, which he had to do I am assuming is,because we are divorced, but a few weeks ago he filed the paper to keep me on it. My question is, why is,he telling me he won’t pay for the car, when he promised me he would, at least until I get my disability, which I don’t know yet if I am getting it, so I don’t have the money to pay for it. Then 2 days later, he sends me this sweet song, it is so confusing. I put up with alot with him, and I am so angry with myself for staying. Well I did leave him when he started the drugs, but we stayed in touch. I am going to seek legal advice on the car, because his name is on it too. What I would like to know based on his recent erratic behavior, do you think he back on the drugs, the Narcissism or both. I know that his behavior lately seems like the drugs because it changed suddenly about 3 weeks ago, but it could be both. I think he is close to having a nervous breakdown, but there is nothing I can do. I have been supportive of him for a long time and lost myself, I have to focus on me, physically and mentally. I have been diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, and Agoraphobia. Which is anothe question I have, sometimes I think my family thinks I am making this up, they don’t understand Narcissistic Abuse. I have sent them an article or 2 to help understand, not for pity, but I wondered if there were any specific ways to make them understand. Thank you Melanie for all you do, you have helped me tremendously, God bless you.
    Kathy Reynolds

  • annieharden@optusnet.com.au'
    Annie
    November 26, 2017

    Brilliant post Mel and as always your timing is perfect!!! Just experiencing some “silent treatment” at present and have been triggered, but I know the NARP modules will help me shift it. Thank you so much for your support in this wonderful community.
    xx Annie

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 27, 2017

      Hi Annie,

      I am so pleased this has helped.

      That’s great you are going to shift that with NARP.

      It’s my pleasure Annie and thank you for being a wonderful member!

      Mel xo

  • ayameyana@gmail.com'
    Esthee
    November 26, 2017

    Thank you so much Melanie for this post! Your blog and youtube films are very helpful. I have been in therapy with different psychologist for over many years. I have followed workshops, courses to work on myself or tackle things etc. etc. Recently I have given up on sessions with my psychologist..but certainly not on myself. I am done with the endless talks and methods I should practise. I feel so stuck and in a loop!
    The information and dedication and devotion you put in your work has really moved me. I am looking forward to starting the first module of your narp program tomorrow!
    When the “disappearance act” and the silent treatment happened I remember that I thought that it was the decisive to end the relation. However, it wasn’t until 3 months later when another woman and his ex came into the scene (triangulation) that I really left him/ he dropped me.
    Thank you again, Melanie ! I feel so supported by you, which means a lot to me, because I sometimes feel alone in this. Have a nice day!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 27, 2017

      Hi Esthee,

      It’s my pleasure 🙂

      How wonderful you are just about to start NARP – it so takes healing to a whole new level!

      I love that you feel supported and know that you are not alone Esthee.

      Many blessings to you!

      Mel xo

  • globalinvestorNF@gmail.com'
    Marne
    November 26, 2017

    Am writing whilst stunned!

    It’s very daunting to be spat out and discarded by a Fake. I just spend 5yrs building my Narcs business and putting up with his drunk behaviour, I’ve never seen someone get so drunk after being home after work for 5mins. Must’ve been a mix of pills for every disease for self pity one can muster up.

    We’d returned from a 12-16hr day in the field, I’d go to the loo and when I came out he was off his tree and then all the abuse and accusations would begin and him focusing on one thing he disliked that I did and went on and on from my first year which happened because in front of our clients he would complain about his ex wife whilst I’m standing there and didn’t give a damn how I felt even when I mentioned it he continued to do so for supply (unbeknown to me) He continued to do that and since July this year I didn’t go out in the field due to arguments.

    Earlier this year I told him I couldn’t go on like this and it was the relationship from hell (don’t ever tell them that as they then plan on the cruelest discard) told him maybe he should find someone else who would make him happier as I’m slaving in the business out with him every day and then hours of marketing to find the next jobs whilst unbeknown to me he was tired but spent his evenings on nude apps and dating sites with Asians. Naturally I withdrew even further especially with sex as he’d wait until I fell asleep usually around 2am after finishing the marketing and at 3am he’d jump in bed, snore so I couldn’t get back to sleep and we were out the door 5am again every day. A nervous wreck today.

    Never had one weekend off to discuss anything and always blamed me for my friends wanting their cars fixed on weekends despite my pleas for respite away.

    He gives the cheapest of presents – akin to $2 shop meanwhile stated what he wanted and nothing under $200 for him from my own savings.

    The tormenting was horrific from rattling my nerves by slamming on the brakes suddenly when out, to screaming at me to cross over continuous lines (yes I got a ticket after 25 yrs of a clean licence) I had to drive him around for 9 mths due to his loss of licence and naturally it was the ex’s and daughters fault who ended up taking out an RVO on him – I sure copped every drama imaginable that happened before my time as well. It would make an horrific soap drama.

    From police visits from his ex who incidentally lives in a different state, fighting his insurance claims for loss of job and injury, setting up his business, complaints from clients who criticised him (taken out on me). His threats of law suits to them – yes I copped the whole stock and barrel. Even our Accountant and Bookkeeper were concerned at the amount of alcohol going through the business which incidentally was all my fault yet again. I don’t even drink! Very sweet and polite to everyone else meanwhile I’m seething at anger for being made less of in front of all of them. Master manipulation is true.

    His Dr thought he was bi-polar and couldn’t help unless he asked, but I discovered it was Narcissism after going on You Tube and listening to “Knowing the Narcissist” videos together with Mels ones. That alone shocked me into despair. He ticked every darn box from those lessons.

    From the drama with is family, his daughters and ex who went no contact. He ruined every birthday and xmas we had and even at a group birthday this year he stole my wallet with all my cards and returned after a month and after 3wks so you can imagine who paid for that trip. Every conversation he turned into it being about him only.

    The pathological lies (if you listen to what they say and all the drama they return with you realise they are talking about themselves in the picture) they even believe those lies as well.

    He did ask me to marry him several times and told all my friends and family, but no plans just more gossip and drama about everyone else on the planet and I responded that I didn’t want to be married to a drunk (oops I sure paid for expressing my concerns). He seemed to be focus only on seeking supply from everyone else and behind closed doors he was the monster from hell.

    New wife was advertised on Social Media where clients saw and asked me what’s going on. I blocked him which FB then auto blocked him off our business page and then the really cruel smear campaign started and him telling all my close friends how nasty I was – he set this up over time and was the ultimate master manipulator too. Clients said he told them we weren’t together months ago as well.

    Today I don’t know whether to laugh or cry with the announcement of the new wife arriving and him cruelly wanting her to stay with us. On top of that he supposedly detoxed and no longer drinks after being in Asia.

    Then our landlord serves notice last night (he’d organised to stay with the landlord) who was initially my friend with his new lady after me saying how cruel can you be, have you no decency. Landlord was being kind to help with the separation I think. Then just tells me all the furniture I got (via my contacts) are owned by him as his ute picked it all up. I helped meet the overdue payments on his overpriced $130K ute so he looks cool with my own money when the funds were low $3,200. Tells everyone he bought my little car which was a client leaving the country who I obtained the client and we worked on fixing together and the extra $1200 came from the business in parts. No fairness there.

    In 5yrs apart from having daily living supplied I get nothing, business built in his name and he wants to destroy my psyche with it. I’ve never met a crueler manipulating Sth African who is so entitled. Pretends to be a Christian, says grace with no emotion – empty words. Refused to stay in the service of funerals we attended.

    All in all even though I am distraught/broken I thank him as it’s now time for me to heal me and all my inner childhood wounds.
    Roll on 2018 and thank you Mel for all your posts. Huge love and hugs to all the Thrivers here 🙂

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 27, 2017

      Hi Marne,

      that is SO awesome you are now going to focus on your healing … absolutely enough is enough.

      Your whole True Life awaits you 🙂

      Much love to you Marne as well and thank you for your well wishes to all.

      Mel xo

  • hclhernandez06@gmail.com'
    Heather
    November 27, 2017

    My N would provoke arguments once a week and when I would defend myself, claim I was the problem. One day, after our weekly Monday squabble, I of course apologized, only to be met with the silent treatment. Then after much prodding (weeks) for the reason for the silent treatment, I was told that my weekly fights ripped out his heart and that he was out. That same day, a girl whom he claims to be friends with, but I have never seen before, started coming over to our workspace. He sits behind me at work. So now I not only have to deal with him no longer speaking to me over something he did to hurt my feelings, but I have to watch him flirting with another coworker. How do I go no contact with a former beau/coworker who sits behind me. He says good morning with disdain. Should I even reply with a good morning to be polite? One minute he says he’s done, the next minute he says that he cannot just shut it off and needs space. The whole thing has me sick to my stomach.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 27, 2017

      Hi Heather,

      my heart goes out to you – this is very painful.

      How we get over the trauma and torment is by doing the inner work on ourselves with THAT part of ourselves that is hurt and triggered, and then I promise you there is no trigger or pain – it feels completely benign.

      This is what this situation is calling you to do – turn inwards to heal what you need to.

      Heather, have you accessed my free resources to start learning what it is that is really playing out here – and the reason for it?

      This will help you unravel, understand and heal so much: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Mel xo

  • mlclulow@gmail.com'
    Marilyn Clulow
    November 27, 2017

    I have been married to a narcissist for 54 years. I have a degree in Psychology. I finally learnt to handle him an myself. We now have a tranquil relationship. He is still a narcissist but he has modified his behaviour, the saving grace is he was never a womanizer and needs me more than I need him. I use that to my advantage in a good way. I believe our relationship is a karmic one, I needed to learn how to have compassion and unconditional love for him. It was very difficult but once I learnt , thing became much easier. He feels safe and loved, I set my boundaries which he has learnt to respect, I was never needy and that gave me power in the relationship. He is very funny and charming and brilliant which helps a lot. Your videos have been a great help and I thank you for them. Narcissists do teach us about ourselves, we need to grow as well. As you said once, narcissistsare angels in disguise, they push us to grow.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 27, 2017

      Hi Marilyn,

      I love that you have had this as a learning and growth experience in love – at such a high level.

      Yet, I do hope that you understand that this can grant others a “loop hole” to stay with N’s when it may not be possible and life-affirming to do so.

      Yes, it could ave been your karmic lesson and a beautiful one, but for many believing in that lesson can be a death sentence. It nearly was for me.

      I hope you understand, that even though your message is quite beautiful it can be a dangerous one.

      Mel xo

      • sharonkearney1955@hotmail.com'
        sharon kearney
        November 27, 2017

        hi.mel im sorry would have liked to have listened more to the thriver series but as im on pay as you go the credit goes very quickly and also i receive benefits to live on i would be unable to afford the modules that you offer i love reading your newsletters thy are very meaninful and i am glad im not alone i have been very hurt and devastated of what ive been through with my narcisstic family i do realyl need alot of support to get by. to say its been cruel is an understatement! i could tell you quite a story like others on this website my life as been a living nightmare!i never thought that there was such wickedness in one family i know im best out of it no contact with at least four members of the family i live alone as i have problems in making relationships with men that i can trust friends, etc its not the life i want to live i want to find true happiness with decent people can you give me some advice please. thank you.

      • Minidoll_54@yahoo.com'
        Teresa
        December 18, 2017

        Hi Melanie,

        I agree with you. It could be dangerous. I considered and tried to save my relationship with the narcissist by telling myself I needed to do as Marilyn has stated. I tried showing him unconditional love, being more compassionate, and tried to understand him but it made me feel I was only feeding him more supply. It made him want more from me which made it more demanding than before. Then he’d become angry and ask why I changed.
        After 14 years, I knew I had to leave- and I did with No Contact. It’s been over three years now. No more silent treatments!
        Marilyn is fortunate if this has worked for her but after all I’ve read from you and others about narcissists , it’s highly unlikely this would be the outcome for most.
        Thank you, Melanie for your wisdom and continuous support.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          December 19, 2017

          Hi Teresa,

          Kudos to you for having the courage to leave and start again.

          It’s my pleasure and many blessings to you Teresa.

          Mel xo

    • starhumble@icloud.com'
      Star Humbles
      February 22, 2018

      Marilyn, I have the compassion and unconditional love yet I am still treated as though I do not exist. I have learned many ways of coping yet he does not change his behavior and still claims that I am the one that refuses to change; that he is the one that has DONE EVERYTHING and I am not appreciative enough. He projects the things I say to him about his behavior on to me as if it is me instead of him that is mentally ill. I know I am not! My reasons for seeking professional counseling was to figure out how best to help HIM! We went to several “marriage” counseling sessions with various people including our pastor….they all said it is not me! In fact, the one I still see claims that he is the worst she has seen in her over 20 years of counseling. Since I am stuck in this marriage for at least two-three years for financial reasons, do you have any suggestions for me? It seems the more I give the more he demands then rejects once I get too close! BTW, my younger sister has been diagnosed as having stage four liver/pancreatic cancer and lives with us now so I can care for her. He is fine with this even though they do not really get along. He doesn’t like that she has his number! He is NOT empathetic to what I am going through with her and is of NO emotional support to m whatsoever! However, I do have three sons that live near me and my daughter and they are very supportive!

  • jt10101050@yahoo.com'
    J
    November 27, 2017

    Thank you Mel! This totally explains the behaviour of my late mother who I now, thanks in part to your wonderful insights, realise was a covert narcissist. Everyone else thought she was a saint. From when I was a small child she would pick a fight with me out of nowhere -for a ‘wrong’ facial expression or any word at all- and then not speak to me, often for as long as a week, without explanation. This continued until I apologised for what I’d done (?) and if I was lucky she would very grudgingly accept, albeit continuing to be frosty. For years I thought there was something inherently wrong with me and that I deserved this treatment. Much older golden child sister said I must have too, as such a lovely lady would not behave like this. My father received the same sort of treatment and just told me to ignore it as she was just ‘like that’.

    I’ve started your NARP programme and am making progress, although I’m still struggling with feelings of being somehow defective and unworthy and that if I doubt this I am deluded and in denial. The damage caused by a narc parent really does run deep. At nearly 50 I have never been in a relationship, partly because I am scared that someone inevitably will drop me when they get to know me better.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 27, 2017

      Hi J,

      it’s my pleasure, and I am so pleased you are doing NARP, and please J come into the NARP Forum, we would so love to help guide and support you. http://www.mlenaietoniaevans.com/member

      You are on your way to your True Self lovely lady.

      Mel xo

    • Benitaviapree52@gmail.com'
      Benita
      December 6, 2017

      My mother was the same. She recruited my brother and sister as her flying monkeys. A week would go by with none of them speaking to me and I still don’t know why. Father worked away and was another scapegoat. Could never take a boyfriend home to meet her as she would have charmed the pants off them. I never married. Spent much of life comparing myself with others wondering what’s wrong with me. Thanks to Mel for NARP!

  • hannah.woolhouse@gmail.com'
    Hannah
    November 27, 2017

    Dear Melanie

    Thank you once again for another insightful article. I spent 10 years with a narcissist – after 13 years with an “ordinary” control-freak. (I obviously hadn’t learned my lesson so it was out of the frying pan and into the fire.)
    He lived entirely at my expense for the ten years we were together. Because he was totally dependent in material terms he had a weak point but used this on order to make out that I was a harridan and he was my victim. He tried to claim 50% of my property, fortunately it didn’t work although I did give him money to “go away”. Towards the end my mother had died and he threw his toys out of the cot because I wasn’t apparently giving him enough attention, he was giving me silent treatment and most of the other unacceptable types of behaviour associated with his victimhood and narcissism. I would try to alleviate the stress of mealtimes in silence and could spend most of the time not being able to swallow my food and turning over subjects of conversation in my head to find a NEUTRAL topic to ease the tension. Every time I thought that at last I’d solved the conundrum and offered up my humble idea or topic of the most general and anodine interest for conversation he would explode at my imbecility/ignorance/stupidity/ capitalist tendencies/and all-round downright badness etc. I realised that silence was my only defence and stopped speaking. I hope I wasn’t giving him the silent treatment myself (in spite of what he claims). I feel with hindsight that I was trying to do no contact while he remained in my house because it took him months to leave after I had given him an ultimatum and if friends hadn’t helped to ease the situation, take him under their protection and persuade him that he really couldn’t stay, he’d still be here.

    I am a dedicated Narper but still have a long way to go with self-worth issues and finding source and inspiration within myself.

    Many thanks for your work Melanie.

    xx Hannah

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 27, 2017

      Hi Hannah,

      Oh gosh there is such a difference between a control freak and an N – absolutely!

      Truly with N’s Hannah we stop speaking because there is no sense in trying to … it all just gets twisted and turned – so don’t be hard on yourself! I am so glad you are healing and on NARP and a part of this Community.

      Wishing you incredible healing and blessings.

      Mel xo

  • jessica-jones24@hotmail.com'
    Jessica
    November 27, 2017

    The silent treatment can actually be one of the EASIEST times if you’ve had enough of a narcissist and know you’re done. Or even if you’re gutted about it. I used the silent treatment as a way to both get away and heal, and I’m completely turning it around on them.
    When someone is bugging you, always trying to hoover you back in in different ways or even harassing you, it’s pretty difficult to get away! I’ve found the silent treatment to be a blessing in disguise. They’ve FINALLY shut up and I can leave now.
    I notice narcissists like to use abandonment as a punishment or threaten you with abandonment, when actually there are many people who would be happier if they weren’t around. Especially during Christmas and special occasions.
    My heart goes out to those still suffering but my best advice is this: Use the silent treatment as a time to escape and heal, because it grants you the space to do so. Get as far away as possible. Change your number, job, address etc… cut off all contact if possible. I have and it was the BEST thing I ever did for myself and my happiness.
    Just think of all the crap you’ll no longer have to deal with. Sneaking around so you don’t anger them, making excuses, huge arguments over petty things, being treated like you’re never good enough, not knowing what mood they’ll be in, being kept an eye on, the insensitivity etc…
    Having so much freedom and becoming my own person into the mix. These have been more than enough motivation for me.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 27, 2017

      Hi Jessica,

      I so agree!

      Thank you for your inspirational and wonderful post to all who are suffering this!

      Mel xo

  • carthage29@yahoo.co.uk'
    Cat
    November 27, 2017

    Dear Melanie,

    Can’t thank you enough for this and all your other articles and thriver TV episodes – also for the NARP programme (I am a silver member). Just coming to the end of a 18 month messy divorce process from my narcissist after a 15 year marriage. He always tries to minimise face to face contact with me: refused to sit in the same room with me at mediation, insists he picks up/drops off the kids directly from/to school, or sends his new partner to do the pickups from my house (while he sits outside in the car). Recognising the importance of No Contact I do keep communication with him to a bare minimum and only email him with matters strictly regarding the children. He invariably responds with jibes and criticisms of my parenting, and gets really mad if I don’t reply to his emails, tries to set deadlines for me to respond by, and at one point was verbally abusive to me about it on my doorstep (i.e. he will do face to face on his terms!). I am managing (now) not to take this bait and respond: however it does still trigger me and I find I live in dread of checking my inbox in case there is a new email from him in there. I play all sorts of mind games with myself about when I will feel strong enough to check it and deal with whatever is in there. For example, I know there is an email from him that has been lurking for a few days, but I haven’t had the courage/mental strength to read it yet. He is therefore still intruding into and controlling my life despite me trying not to let him. Please help!

    PS. I am also dreading this coming week as he is due to come round (as per court order) for us to “agree” how to divide the house contents.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 27, 2017

      Hi Cat,

      you are so welcome 🙂

      Please know Cat you can target those traumas you have specifically named with NARP Module 1 and release it so that they just aren’t there anymore.

      I would also suggest to you perhaps thinking about being on the Forum with the NARP team to get help with coaching, suggestions and support when needed- it really is an invaluable resource. http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      It may be worth you looking at an upgrade – which is simple to do – all you need to do is email support@melanietoniaevans.com

      Mel xo

  • Caglloyd@icloud.com'
    Gennie
    November 27, 2017

    Reading this article has been an eye opener. Plus everyone’s comments and experiences of this seriously insidious treatment. My story is that pre any knowledge of what a narc was, I stumbled across the potential for my longterm partner (of 3+ decades) having an affair, or an emotional affair. We had a row and he utterly humbled me by being outraged and shocked at my accusation. How could I mistrust him to such an extent, the poor girl was suicidal and needed his help. I bought it (stop laughing everyone, I was naive ok!). I know the girl and know she’s interested in alternative treatments so I posted her a book on treating depression, figuring that she knew how close my partner and I were and would know he told me about her. I assured her I’d repeat absolutely nothing to anyone and was there for her if she needed help, and hoped she’d realise she now had two allies to call on, including me as an older woman she knew slightly. Knowing my partner had nil empathy I was worried his help to her would not be positive! Writing this I can’t believe how naive I was but I try to help everyone I can and my father had recently died and I was suffering from bereavement (and felt very lonely as my partner had hated him).

    A couple of days after she’d received the book my partner stormed out to go for a long walk, and next day wiped the floor with me for breaking a confidence saying I could well have a suicide on my conscience for the rest of my life as this poor young girl was beside herself that he’d spoken to me about it. And yes he’d told her I’d accused him of having an affair and he’d have to tell all their colleagues of my treachery so that they were reassured nothing was happening – but to also ensure they all gave me a wide berth to keep away from me as the worst person on earth. I begged him to believe me that I meant no harm but he shrieked that I’d done it on purpose.

    I fell apart and he stopped speaking to me for 3 months. Total silence. I tried to talk to him but he looked through me. When we went out for dinner with friends he acted normally but I soon realised he never looked at me and actually didn’t include me in the conversation. Back in the car – silence. Back in the house. Silence. I became so ill I went to the doctor and he suggested counselling. I told him I’d caused major depression in my partner and I didn’t know how to break the cycle of misery. Not once did I realise I was being subjected to the Silent Treatment as I’d never heard of it! Nor did the doctor mention it.

    Explaining to the counsellor that I’d made a major error in my life and was becoming suicidal myself, but that I obviously deserved it, I just needed advice on how to break the spell on how my partner was now feeling, she told me to go away and check out a website. If I answered yes to two or more questions I must then read up about Narcissistic Behaviour Disorder. And I had to expect to cry and may truly fall apart, but she’d see me next week when the focus would be on me and not my partner.

    Of the 20 questions on that website I said yes to 18 and I did fall apart and cried a whole week! I also found Mealnie’s website and started healing. Thirty years of upsets and me always being wrong or lazy or downright stupid suddenly made sense.

    The only reason the silent treatment was downgraded to “being largely ignored” was that my father in law fell ill and I of course dived in to help him. I was useful, shopping, washing and cooking so I was spoken to occasionally. And it’s been like that for over a year now. Largely silent but occasional communication. What is different is that he’s out a lot, attends conferences/events with this girl and has changed his taste in music, his friends (all now 20+ years younger than him) and the way he dresses. But he’s still totally adamant he’s not having an affair and that it’s because I’m a terrible, paranoid witch which others pity for being so crazy….. but I am knowledgeable and calm and healing and planning…. and listening to everything Melanie says… and so grateful to have found this forum of people who are learning too and doing something about their predicament.

  • uncommonachiever1@yahoo.com'
    MB
    November 27, 2017

    I have been trapped in a 9 year marriage to a narcissistic wife. I have endured the silent treatment many times. This article has been very insightful. I now understand the true reason for this horrible treatment. I now realize the need to escape. I refuse to tolerate any more of this hideous abuse. I am taking my life back period! Thanks Mel for all you do for so many!
    MB

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 27, 2017

      Hi MB,

      I am so pleased this has helped and that’s great!

      Bless you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • frejashamanka@gmail.com'
    Freja Shamanka
    November 27, 2017

    Hi Melanie, thanks for the article – very informative and insightful as usual! I am in the process of leaving my NARC husband after less than a year of marriage and have also cut contact with my entire family a couple of years ago as all the main relationships were narcissistic and I was repeatedly abused and scapegoated. Having spent almost my whole adult life (25 years) in 12 Step recovery for codependency / love addiction and in years of therapy trying to resolve my issues and these excruciatingly painful relationships, it is such a relief to finally see the real problem. I have realised I am not simply been dealing with ‘family alcoholism’ or ‘dysfunction’ or being an ‘adult child’ or a ‘codependent’ or a ‘love addict’ or even being an incest survivor – I come to see that I been living in a bubble of narcissistic hell my entire life. Over the years I have been given lots of pieces of the ‘abuse’ jigsaw and finally I can see this huge all-encompassing monster that has been consistently and repeatedly destroying every aspect of my life without me even knowing it was there…

    Anyway – I just wanted to put my question in context as I feel my life has been literally overflowing with narcissists in every area of my life – family, partners, friends and colleagues. I know I can go ‘no contact’ and live without a family or a partner – though it does scare me, I believe I can find happiness without these relationships. I do have some friends who are not narcs and know I have a choice about who I get involved with socially and emotionally but when it comes to work I am completely stumped because I do not have a choice in who I work with. I seem to always encounter them at work and this has caused me no end of difficulty as I end up having to leave. I guess my question is how do you go ‘no contact’ when it is with a work colleague? In my experience every work place always has a least one seriously destructive narc in it and, not surprisingly, they always target me and keep going until I either get sacked (because of them) or am forced to leave. I have tried all sorts of ways to avoid this story from repeating which have all failed and led to a low level phobia of being employed. To be honest narcs at work scare the hell out of me because I know when it comes to the crunch, they always know how to manipulate to get their own way and I do not see how I can avoid this from happening without stooping to their level and game playing or hopping from job to job which is essentially what I have been doing all my life. (I have never had a full time job for more than a year and most have been significantly less than that.)

    I have become an expert at ending narc relationships and achieving ‘no contact’ (which is exhausting when it keeps happening and never solves the problem) but I really don’t see how I can do this with a boss or colleague that I am forced to work closely with for 40 hours a week 48 weeks of the year. (It feels like being back in my family…) Work relationships perplex me because I know I depend on the money for survival and it seems no matter what strategies I try, in the end I have no choice except to stay and accept the abuse and eventual ejection out of my job or to leave before that happens – which as you can well imagine, feels like no choice at all.

    I get that I need to work on the inner stuff to shift my energy and break the pattern but I am wondering if you have any advice for dealing with narcs at work other than job hopping to avoid them or going self-employed (which I have also tried)?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 27, 2017

      Hi Freja,

      it’s my pleasure. I am so pleased things are getting really clear for you. Ok Freja, please know I so empathise with you in regard to doing tons of work on yourself for years and still being bogged down in abusers. (My life in many ways was similar before I started working on my Inner Identity with QFH).

      I’d love you to watch this it can really help: https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/what-is-the-most-powerful-narcissist-inoculation/

      You are so right this is not about strategies, this is about healing the traumas inside so that you show up so radiantly and as your True Self that N’s can never again be in your light – they have to take the rubbish somewhere else. Avoiding, blocking, No Contact is not the answer – it’s only so that we can heal and stop handing over the parts of ourselves that are not yet. Healing ourselves and fully showing up is the only true answer.

      That’s when the curse is broken – for good.

      You are right healing the inner is the answer, and I promise you that you will see BIG and QUICK shifts outside of you as soon as you get onto working with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp. And how it works is from day one – going inwards to the first big trigger that is happening and unravelling and releasing that and so on and so forth and you will feel you shift inside, the outside events of the abuse on those topics shift and so on and so forth.

      I would stay where you are and do that …why not? You will not be accepting the abuse, you will transform you and the abuse and then from an empowered inner centre, you can make choices that work for you.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • ggiolentairo@yahoo.com'
    Giorgio
    November 27, 2017

    I would like to hear more on narcissists as ‘friends’ in general and what would silent treatment be like in that case. Passing you by and pretending not to see you although there are no people around you? And just five days before that a person who was given this silent treatment was told by this very same person how he is one of the best friends he, the narcissist, ever had. Two days after that there is a phone call starting with ‘How are you?’ like nothing happened… First I thought there is something about me the narc does not like but I realized with 100% certainty he is doing this to his other ‘firends’ too. It’s devastating!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 27, 2017

      Hi Giorgio,

      have you asked this person “what” that was about?

      The thing is when we start healing ourselves and growing up the parts of us that used to feel left out, passed over and unimportant as children we need to realise that our boundaries and truth is our job to generate for ourselves.

      If you were to ask this person what that was about and see what their answer is you can start to understand if they are a healthy person capable of supplying you the care and love that you are now willing to supply yourself. If people are not – and we agonise about it – there is one reason only (which absolutely was my deal as well) we don’t self-partner and love ourselves enough yet to easily let go of people who are not capable of providing us this healthy love. In fact, we are assigning them with supplying us what we are not supplying ourselves yet.

      I hope this can help shine some light on this for you and the true solution.

      Mel x

  • Stacie64@aol.com'
    Stacie
    November 27, 2017

    My husband has a cycle too. We’ve been married for 3 years. It started quickly after marriage. He would fall asleep on the couch for a couple days. As everything was changing and I was pushing back, it would be longer with shorter times of coming to bed. This was a huge problem for me as I was single for 13 years and was so excited to have that connection and intimacy that I was missing. His cycle starts as, come home from work, happy, rubbing my shoulders, hugging, kissing (I fall in face first because I’m desperate for touch and attention since I’m denied) he sleeping in the room and the next morning there is sex, which continues for a few days. At the end of this few days he would find a reason to be upset and be back on the couch for weeks. This has gone on for the last 3 years. The worst being this year. He slept downstairs for the first 6 months of the year. When we talk about it, he’s got a long list of reasons why, knows how painful and rejecting it is for me but continues doing it. I’ve asked for a separation and he’s warned me he will divorce me. I decided in October that I would leave, hired a lawyer, filed, took 1/2 of our money and am staying at my parents house. I called him to tell him I am staying here and he fell apart, wants to work it out, asked me to give him a chance to get counseling, which he is doing. I put the divorce on hold. I don’t know what to do. We are in our 50’s. I have a daughter in college, he has two in high school who’s mom has passed. He’s warned me I would have no contact with them if we divorce and that is a big red light for me. I’m feeling stuck.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 27, 2017

      Hi Stacie,

      you poor thing – what has happened to you is very painful and very consistent with what people have suffered in this Community – being “punished” with the “one” thing that hurts the most.

      I agree with you there are lots of red flags.

      Stacie have you connected to my free resources? These are here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse and can so help you at this time, help you heal your inner wounds that may feel hooked, so that you can be in your power with all of this.

      My heart goes out to you Stacie and I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • cthwillow@gmail.com'
    Chris
    November 27, 2017

    This was my 20 year marriage. And my parents. I️ did not exist and my existence was resented treated as a burden. My ex would never respond During marriage or after. My voice did not exist. This guy is seriously and pathologically messed up. He was is a covert which doubled up crazy it left me in. I️ literally almost died twice in that marriage from not being able to see or deal with reality. My challenge is to invest in my own existence at 47 and still raising kids with an ex that will not even acknowledge I️ exist but that was the same during the marriage. At least I’m on this side of it and can live and it’s hard to stay out of the despair to give up.

  • leo_gal1@msn.com'
    Valerie
    November 27, 2017

    Thank you once again Melanie…I refer to your articles often as they help me unravel and understand what became of my life. Exposed to so many NARCs in a lifetime (beginning with my Mom) …I shake my head. I am almost 2 months NC after the 4th cycle, blocked him in every way possible…and yet some messages have gotten through because of mutual friends. I find myself wondering about possibly moving away, starting over in a brand new place. I will be going to FL for the winter in a few weeks, perhaps that will help. The silent treatment, the lies, manipulation, gaslighting, hoovering and the “logic” he used – My god, it is mind boggling. Thankfully, I am in extreme self care mode and really healing the original wounds. Your work is a source of great strength and inspiration. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 27, 2017

      Hi Valerie,

      you are so welcome and I am so pleased you are healing.

      Sending you more healing and many blessings.

      Mel xo

  • afitchick2000@yahoo.com'
    Cindy Colby
    November 27, 2017

    Melanie, your voice is the truth and it is hard to find anyone who understands that this has happened and is still happening to me. Now I am remarried to the person I had so hoped would see the light. SO much silent treatment that has become the normal. After the divorce and silent treatment I begged him to let me stay with him as I faced homelessness. I returned to stay with him and eventually we re-married in Vegas! I had a seizure shortly after and lost driving privileges. More than likely due to the extreme stress levels. I have no job, can not drive and face homelessness if he throws me out (of course he says I leave him). We have moved in the 6 years we have been together 6 times and that was from one coast of US to the other and included 3 states and included 5 towns. Now he is buying my “dream” house and I am feeling so drawn into the dream of a happy life in a home for the rest of my life. Today I feel he is using it to keep me here for supply until he has a complete other package but he is aging and perhaps he has given up on another person being drawn to him and will keep me around. Most days I feel like nothing to my husband but to God my father in heaven I feel loved, worthy and enough. It gets me through to the next day. I do feel joy in the storm but it is so crazy making to continue this journey with a person who doesn’t even understand what he is doing to me, himself, his children and the community. I think my adult children, who I have from a previous marriage are confused and it offers no example of how to live a healthy life. It will take me awhile to get independent. Oddly, I can relate to a millennial young adult in many ways trying to get out on their own but living with parents well after college and identify with issues they face. Previously I had money set aside to manage, a job and I could drive. I have had so much time to learn about narcissism and to learn I need to change my mind that I am NOT a victim but this has happened so I can change. I want to change and focus on putting on my own oxygen mask. What a tangled web deceivers weave and it will take me awhile to be free. Your voice is the truth and it is calling many of us out of the lies.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 27, 2017

      Hi Cindy,

      it is crazy, and we would have to have gone through it to understand it!

      I am so sorry you are going through this – my heart goes out to you. Cindy life does so eventually force us inwards to heal when we are so used to doing everything but. Maybe it is your time to turn inwards, so many of us have been … capable, smart and usually able to get up and going again. But how much can we take until we do heal this at its core?

      Please know this entire Community is here for you Cindy, and when you are ready – this is the first step: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Mel xo

      • afitchick2000@yahoo.com'
        Cindy Colby
        November 27, 2017

        Thank you! It means so much to me that you read my comment and responded. I think I am ready to totally seek healing but I can not do no contact for awhile. I would face homelessness. I tried leaving before when he said go and had an apartment, job, car and ability to drive plus a legal divorce and a small amount of maintenance pay from him and I still returned! So I want to make sure I can stand strong and not go back to the circus. It has hurt so many people that I returned and caused confusion to my adult children and friends. They want to support me but don’t know how to celebrate my marriage to the person they were encouraging me to leave.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          November 28, 2017

          Hi Cindy,

          it’s my pleasure.

          I totally understand and please know there have been many people in this Community who have been still under the same roof doing the healing work.

          I’d love to see you NARPing an in the Forum getting support with this. There is an end, release and True Life for you lovely lady.

          Mel xo

  • chadmcswain2004@yahoo.com'
    Chad Mcswain
    November 27, 2017

    I’m 4 months post discard from my live in ex girlfriend. The way these people with personality disorders can shut their attachment off to you is inhumane. My discard came immediately after I told her she was mentally ill and needed help. She went from me being the love of her life to hating me immediately. She turned everything off we had together like a light switch and basically throwed me away like I never existed. She changed her phone number immediately and blocked me from everything except email. I fought for closure for 2 months. Only thing I got was a few messages from her stating that she loved me, she missed me, but I hurt her too bad and everything was my fault. The more I contacted her the more cold hearted and evil she became. There was never any real remorse, empathy or compassion in anything she said.

    Mine seemed to have both borderline and covert narcissist traits. Her behavior was so back and forth that even the counselors I’ve seen are not sure how to label her. For the entire 3 years of our relationship, it appeared that we were really best friends, lovers, soulmates, even through all her chaos and erratic behavior. After about 3 months into the relationship I started noticing something was wrong. However, she had basically moved in with me after the first 2 weeks and I fell in love with her immediately. So, I was already hooked. She did have mild dyslexia and appeared to have ADHD, so I wrote her weird behavior off as that. After about 6 months the manipulation, lies, head games, road rage, temper tantrums, one sided conversations, paranoia, etc started to get more profound. She would also tell me she was different, special and I should accept her the way she was.

    What makes my story a little more unique is that she never needed or took my money, like a lot of narcissist do. She managed to hold down a decent job, even with all her issues. She actually spent more money on me than I ever spent on her. She was also very good to my children when they came to stay with us. Her job was 1 1/2 hours away where I met her and she drove the distance back and forth just to come home and be in the bed with me every night for the first 6 months. The rest of the time during the relationship, she would break the time up and stay with her mother in her home town during the week.

    When you hear the term love bombing, that’s exactly what it is. Mine actually bomb me with constant love, affection, attention, etc right up to the end. As far as the devaluation, I never really saw that until after the discard. But several counselors showed me how it was happening throughout the relationship. One big thing I was showed was the triangulation that they use. She constantly put me down to her family and co-workers anytime we had an argument. Then she would put them down to me everytime she had an argument with them. This is part of the smear campaign that they use in the triangulation for attention.

    The serious smear campaign came right after she discarded me and it was brutal. I will admit, I had become somewhat verbally abusive to her the last couple months before the relationship ended. I still blame myself for the discard. But she had drove me totally crazy with the emotional abuse. My nerves were totally shot after 3 years of loving me more than anything one minute and hating me the next. Some would say why would you stay in a relationship like that? Well other than the fact most of us victims are empaths or codependent, you can’t describe it. It’s not a normal relationship. They attach to your soul like nothing you could ever imagine. The coverts can actually be very good to for a long time in many ways, even during the constant battle. Mine was very good 80% of the time. However, the other 20% was pure hell.

    The major damage is done when they up and leave you without any warning (the discard). This is when they take your soul (that they have acquired over a period of time) with them. Some of us are left with severe PTSD and barely able to function. I myself have lost over 30 pounds since she left and I’m still stuck in a fog/cloud. I miss her every second of every day, even though I know she is no good for me. I see her in the house cooking in the kitchen, sleeping next to me, her car in the driveway and everywhere I go (not litterly, but the memories). That’s because when she was home we did everything together. Some say it’s just an addiction to we have to them. I will agree to a certain point, but I did (do) love this woman. Love her more than any woman I’ve ever loved in my life. What’s sad is she appeared to love me the same way also, even up until the end. Like I said earlier, I never got the full devalue like most get before the discard. I guess I was a good physical and emotional supply for her. But ripping her mask off ended all the feelings she had for me immediately. All I can do is tell myself that this relationship was just an illusion and a bad dream. It wasn’t real and hope time will heal the destruction and trauma she left me with…..

    • hannedog@gmail.com'
      Jonahan
      November 28, 2017

      Chad, wow this is also me, like exactly. 3 months ago. Add the financial part, I definitely have all that I had. It’s been rough.

      “miss her every second of every day, even though I know she is no good for me” I know… Me as well. It sucks big time 🙁

    • jraltizer@gmail.com'
      No Name
      November 29, 2017

      Wow Chad – my parents were married for over 50 years. My Mother constantly told my Dad that he was mentally ill and needed to see a psychiatrist. So he finally went. After a few visits the doctor realized he needed to see my Mother. Well! She is definitely not in need of any psychiatric help. No sir! Of course she refused to go. That also put an end to her telling my Dad that he had mental problems. Mother could best be described as a “piece of work”. My Dad never discussed their relationship with us kids much but in later years he mentioned that Mom would give him the silent treatment. At one point he said she didn’t talk to him for nearly 6 months. I don’t think he ever figured out what she was pissed about.

    • anna_elina@luukku.com'
      E.A.
      November 30, 2017

      Hi Chad!
      I felt the need to comment to this one! My story was almost identical, except I’m a woman and the n was a man.

      *Mine was very good 80% of the time. However, the other 20% was pure hell.
      I can relate to this! For so long, I felt a strong need to defend the n, like “sometimes he was really nice”. I even felt the need to “rebel” against Melanie, that “she just doesn’t get it, maybe my n wasn’t as severe case as her n”. “And I reaaallly loved him”. Now this memory makes me smile. You see, when I’ve done deep healing, all this madness just melts away! The fact is this: a narcissist is a narcissist! It doesn’t matter if s/he is a “mild” one or “severe case”…it’s a narcissist anyway. It doesn’t matter if s/he is nice “sometimes”, 50 or 90 % of time or whatever, these people are severely, probably permanently, damaged. It’s not our fault, their fault or anyone’s fault.
      It’s like keeping a shark in the swimming pool and think it is a nice aquarium fish, because sometimes it is, seemingly, harmless and “behaving nicely” (yeah, and you’ll never know when the “mood” changes and it will attack…) Sounds crazy, huh? I think trying to have a n as a normal partner in a normal relationship is equally crazy. Yep, been there, done that, many years…

      *What makes my story a little more unique is that she never needed or took my money, like a lot of narcissist do. She managed to hold down a decent job, even with all her issues. She actually spent more money on me than I ever spent on her. She was also very good to my children when they came to stay with us.

      I understand. This n was similar. He never took or asked money from me. He did not even accepted money from me, when I said I wanted to pay gasoline or something like that. He always paid in restaurants, super market etc. Yes, this is how I also used to “defend” him and “excuse” him, that “yeah, maybe he wasn’t THAT bad after all”. He was also very good with animals, with my dog etc. It was a wake-up call when my friend said to me: “It doesn’t matter how he treats dog, his mother, children etc…but how he treats YOU.” I was so naiive and deeply in love that I endured all kinds of bad behaviour from him, because I thought that “real love conquers all”. Uff.

      * All I can do is tell myself that this relationship was just an illusion and a bad dream.

      No, this is not a bad dream, this is the most beautiful awakening ever!! <3

      *It wasn’t real and hope time will heal the destruction and trauma she left me with….
      I think "time" alone will not heal so much, but to heal the "original trauma". It took me quite a long time to "get it", that the real problem was not my relationship with the n, but my relationship with myself! (which was pretty much non-existing and deeply disconnected).

      Good luck, you WILL feel better!!

      • pennykorpita@gmail.com'
        Penny
        December 1, 2017

        Hello E.A.
        I love two things you said: the analogy about keeping a shark in a swimming pool and also the advice your friend gave you. Thank you for sharing. I believe that life gives us contrast to help us make true choices. What I found after almost 2 years with my N husband was that I historically had a difficult time walking away from bad situations and with him he had me doubting the situation was bad, doubting my judgment and completely confused about everything that went on in my life because he belittled, contradicted, shamed and humiliated me day and night. I lost the ability to make a decision and I felt like a zombie, sex slave. I was quickly losing all of my motivation and reason for being. Mel’s program is saving me. Fortunately I found a like minded therapist before her who helped me leave. She answered my calls day and night because I was so close to losing my mind. I moved to a different state on August 12th. The modules feel like a lifeline for me now.
        Some of my friends want me to date and that has no appeal to me whatsoever. I honestly can’t imagine trusting another man ever again. in any case, thank you for your post!
        Best wishes!

        • anna_elina@luukku.com'
          A.E.
          December 11, 2017

          Hi Penny!

          Thank you for your kind words. I´m happy to hear you are feeling better!

          ” I honestly can’t imagine trusting another man ever again”. I felt the same way too. I also noticed I started to became cynical, like why would I even “need”/want a man in my life, they just bring misery. But, what I think is important to understand, a man is not a synonym to a n! 🙂 Most men are not n´s and totally trustworthy, really! I think the key is to trust yourself! Like Melanie talks in the new video, trust the “gut feeling”. This is what I´m learning to do. Any bizarre, shocking, unusual, disrespecting behaviour is just not ok, normal people do not suddenly behave that way.

          ” I believe that life gives us contrast to help us make true choices.” This is a good point! Contrast. Like this is not how I want to be treated, how do I want to be treated instead? I think I endured so much horror with the n, due to my plain inexperience. I was 30+ years old, and heart-breakingly, thought this was my first ever “real” boyfriend, “the one”, finally! I did not had hardly any experience to know, what is actually “normal” in a relationship and what is not. I thought it is normal for everyone to have “off” days and for a relationship to have ups and downs. But with the n, the ups and downs were totally extreme!! Like honeymoon, then couple of months silent treatment -cycles. How on earth I could have ever in my life believed this is somehow supposedly “normal”? Ufff.

          I´m also sure I would have not survived without Melanie!
          All the best to you! 🙂

    • flootsmith@yahoo.com'
      Ami
      December 7, 2017

      The first comment that has been similar to my experience. I think my stbx is/was a mixed bag of mental illness, but has very strong indications of NPD. He was very controlling, isolating, and not supportive of my dreams and goals – all of which I swept under the rug because he was such a good guy otherwise. Great with my autistic son (about 80% of the time, the other 20% he would get angry, and stomp away silently). We were happy, or so I thought. But a few times a year, he would shut me out. Give me the silent treatment for no apparent reason. I knew it wasn’t normal, and searched online for any kind of answer. He even told me once, after “coming out of it” that I should just ignore him, go on living my life, and that he would come around. It was just the “way he was” and it wasn’t “going to change.” And he would never, ever consent to therapy. The longer we were together, the more I questioned if the price I was paying in the bad times was worth the joy of the good times, but I continued to give him the benefit of the doubt because I loved him so very much. In June, we had a wonderful family day followed by an enjoyable date night. In the morning, when my son decided not to go to the beach with us, he hung up on me (another behavior he called “being short” with me, that infuriated me). When I returned home later, we didn’t speak, and thus began six weeks of the silent treatment which included him taking his ring off. After 6 weeks (I only asked him once to let me know when he was ready to talk, to which he replied, “There’s nothing to talk about”) he announced that I needed to decide whether I was going to buy him out (of our house), or if we were going to sell because he was done. No counseling, nothing. He was done. I was blown to bits, but contacted an attorney and did all the things you do to line yourself up for an exit. The kicker was, he expected me and my son to move out. We had built the house together the previous year, and it was paid for in full. In his eyes, it was his and I just needed to go away. He had a rude awakening. It was October (and months of Jekyll and Hyde hell of getting him to sign a separation agreement, including a 45 minute “conversation” where he swore at me and threatened me – a very dark side of him I had never ever seen before) before he finally moved out, and the last time we spoke was when he forced his way into a conference room when he was signing the closing paperwork when I bought him out. He told me to say “hi” to my son. I’m struggling so much. We had a life that I adored 80% of the time, and I miss it. He gets to walk away with $70K, while I get a mortgage I can barely afford and broken dreams and promises. I’m renting free space in my head to him and I hate it, but I can’t stop.

  • Bobbieh1848@outlook.com'
    Jess
    November 27, 2017

    Just wanted to thank all of you for all of your responses. I will continue to read all of them to help me continue No Contact. Hardest thing ever but my life depends on sticking to it xoxo

  • angela.m.golla@gmail.com'
    Angela
    November 28, 2017

    Hello,

    I divorced my narc ex-husband a year and a half ago. Since our separation two years ago, my 16 year old daughter has had nothing to do with me and I am getting the “silent treatment”. How do I know if I am dealing with a narcissistic daughter or a hurt daughter that has been forced into parental alienation at the hands of her father? I do financially provide for my daughter and attend her activities, but she never acknowledges my presence.

    Any guidance would be appreciated.

  • Skinny.mini1421@gmail.com'
    Madonna
    December 1, 2017

    Hi Melanie,
    I think in retrospect, it was this truly terrible version of the silent treatment that eventually broke me in the end. I’ve been separated from the n now for nearly 4 years and your article perfectly describes the insanity of it. Your example used (losing your beautiful cat) reminded me of how I was made fun of, ranted at for having an affair (obviously) and then ignored, when I was coping with the loss of 2 girls who’d been tragically killed in a car accident. I’d known both well. Had taken one on holiday with us years before as she’d been a close friend of my daughter. The N had never known either of them as he’d only been in my life for 3 years by then.

    After 2 endless days of funerals, disbelief and incredible sadness, I remember him ranting at me about having an affair and how I had used the funerals to facilitate it. I couldn’t respond. I sat on the bed letting him rant and bully, while I let the devastation and sadness overwhelm me. There was not one moment of comfort during that time. This led to weeks of the utter silent treatment. No eye contact. No greetings ever. No good mornings and no goodnights.

    It’s the first time really that I can relate that story and not be triggered. 4 years on and I really have used every minute of that to heal and evolve. (With NARP)

    Post script to the narcissistic partner for me is a revelation I had a couple of weeks ago. I had a very short ‘thing’ with a guy I met online. Very short. I found him attractive and he was very keen. Except day 3 of texting I noticed a red flag. I hadn’t met him at that point and i gave him the benefit of the doubt until I’d met him in person. The red flag was me feeling I needed to defend myself about who I was with one night in the city. A girlfriend from work became ‘it’s ok babe, you can be with whoever u want. You’re not mine exclusively ‘. Problem with that was…I really was just with a girlfriend from work. I felt a familiar heavy feeling in my stomach and then a more familiar feeling of having to prove I was telling the truth…3 days later, after meeting him and liking him ALOT, he pulled another N move and I very calmly removed him entirely from my life. Entirely. No I didn’t kill him lol. And I don’t feel hurt! A little disappointed but not hurt. He was a test for me and I passed.

    I have originally thought that my original N was highly skilled. That it took nearly 2 years for the sheep clothing to come off. NO he was NOT skilled. I was blind and naive. I can spot someone like him from a mile away now and if he’d crossed my path at this stage of my life and recovery, he would not have gotten to the 2nd date. I love this feeling now. I really love it. A little frustrating that people have lost their lustre with me at the moment, but this really, is the feeling of empowerment. Of valuing myself and my peace of mind over anything now.

  • highbala@gmail.com'
    Bernice
    December 17, 2017

    I have been looking online to try to figure out if my husband is a Narc. We have been together almost 20 years. I am 42 and he just turned 50. I am his 3rd wife. From the start, he has told me that he left his first wife because she like to fight and the second because she cheated. When I met him, he was a complete gentleman. He would bring me flowers, we would talk for hours, and he was very passionate. But I found it kind of weird and maybe flattering that after a couple of weeks of dating that he would say that he wanted to marry me. He also wrote a letter that I have till this day saying how much he will be there for me and love me like I need to be loved. Over the years, the love faded and reality set in. He is a money hoarder and has to have money in his pockets regardless of bills that need to be paid. He cheated after the first year, and I took him back because I thought everyone deserves second chances. He has mood swings that I thought were associated with his epilepsy and medications. He is very selfish, belittles people including my children (but not his), very vain (works out but smokes heavily and drinks everyday), heavy gambler (internet casino and lottery). But I put up with it cause I loved him, and recently found out thru my marriage counselor I am a co-dependent. He has given me the silent treatment when he doesnt want to be bothered with. He stopped kissing me and holding me and giving me compliments in private, but does it in public. When we go out or around family I am the best thing since slice bread. Or If am doing something for him, he will say how much he loves me. I can’t initiate sex, he has to and it has to be on his terms. In Feb 2017, was when things start to fall apart. He was over families house and it was past 2:00 am.. I called his phone and a woman picked up. he then called back but didn’t realize my voicemail was recording the whole time. He claimed he was taking people home, but I know the truth.. I then started tracking him and watching his phone logs. He then starts saying how he doesnt want to be married anymore. He he wants to be single. How its my fault he hasnt had relationship with his children growing up. He would blame me saying he took care of my kids not his. but doesn’t mention the fact that his oldest daughter lived with us when she was in the last 2 yrs of high school and he never spent time with her. He can’t do anything for himself.. I cook,clean, manage the money. buy his clothes.. He doesnt buy anything for anyone.. not even the grandkids… so after months of dealing with him and his roller coaster ride of saying that he doesn’t love me like he used to, I asked to go to marriage counseling. he agreed, but only went to two session. He admitted that he cheated, then said he wanted a divorce. we played months of him leaving coming back..But he would only come back when I say I am done. he recently came up to my job and thru a hissy fit cause I told Him I was tired. I found out that he rides past the house or sits outside and sleep in his truck. The times he did leave the house, He would always go to “her” house. She moved and just a couple of weeks ago after I kicked him out.. He would call me every day saying how much he loves me and misses me..but at night he turns off his phone. He refuses to empathize with me and my broken heart. He tells me to get over it. He has threaten that the only way he will come back is if I “Let it go”. I think now I am in the discard phase. He has removed all of his belongs out of the house. He treats me as if I am nobody. And that is what hurts. I have always been outgoing. I have lost 36 pounds since I found out about his affair and dealt with his abuse since August. Just last week I was the best thing that ever happened to him.and he had been loving and caring.. saying and doing all of the right things. until Saturday when He left the house while I was at a party and turned off his phone again.. now he said that our marriage is over and he is tired of feeling guilty and that he can get over me and doesnt care about me anymore. ** oh, and he is also very jealous of people. if something good happens to you, he is mad!!

  • Lottehendriks1967@gmail.com'
    Lotte
    December 18, 2017

    Hi Melanie, I find myself giving the silent treatment to my NM and other toxic people. First, I withdraw for self protection, second this is meant to keep them down. It is a punishment they can’t handle. I do not do this with other people and I have been NC for ages, but any new narc I can beat at their own game. I learned from the Masters. This on top of refusing any of their tricks I just say NO. Then they try something else, I will say NO again untill they run out of tricks. I won’t give any supply either, I just Gray Rock. This sends them off screaming in a narcissist rage never to return. Of course then you get the slandering and smearing, but it doesn’t stick with any of my friends and other people I don’t care. I don’t smear back, just state some facts about myself, so I come out the winner. Usually this is within weeks after meeting them. So I live a wonderfully narc free existence and I will keep it that way. Broke NC with NM only once, she started gaslighting right away, so that was short-lived. Last time I saw Nex was in Court four years ago. Now I am happy and blooming, I don’t need these people to ruin my life. I moved away, changed careers, went back to college at fifty, love my job and my friends, I am fine now. I might want a SO sometime again, but right now I feel quite content on my own. I never feel that emptiness anymore. I feel full of life, all the time. Mind the process took ten years. But I made it!

  • Keats326@hotmail.com'
    Kristine
    December 18, 2017

    I made the mistake of telling two of my family members (my mother and my sisters husband) that I thought they may be narcissists due to their unresolved childhood trauma, in hopes that they would do some form of trauma resolution therapy (which I passed info on to them). I was verbally attacked and made to look like I was the crazy one. Things escalated over a few months and I just gave up, withdrew from all family get-together and now have gone no contact.

    They started looking into narcissism and now keep telling other family members that I’m the narcissist and prove it by showing YouTube videos of how narcissists give the silent treatment (To prove I’m the narcissist). I had to go no contact, I was being emotionally beaten down and had tremendous anxiety.

    Has anyone else gone no contact and been accused of ‘giving the silent treatment’ ? How are they so successful at twisting things around to make victims look like the one with the issue?

    I have always treated everyone in my family with kindness and respect and this breaks my heart that family members are buying into this ‘information twisting’.

    I’m trying hard to not let it bother me (what others think about me) but it’s so hard after being raised by a covert narc who drilled into me that I should worry about what others think of me. This is so hard. The hardest part is letting it go and moving on with my life. I want to have a wonderful life and be happy, but there is this part of me that wants to prove I am a good person. If I do go on and enjoy my life, they will say…see what I mean, she only cares about herself…she is the narcissist!!!

    I can’t believe this is happening. It’s so twisted.

  • Crazydiamond039@gmail.com'
    Tonia
    December 24, 2017

    Wow what an amazing article Mel and at the right time. I was introduced to your work by a ‘friend’ when I had been dating a man who on a tick list had 16 out of 17 narcissistic traits! I started following your work and realised the awful situation I was in. Luckily he did the silent treatment yet again and I was brave enough to say goodbye for good finally and blocked him on my phone and have heard nothing since.
    The ultimate irony that I want to share with you is that I realised the friend who introduced me to you was also displaying some pretty powerful covert narcissistic traits. I was really shocked. Just goes to prove that narcissist often don’t realise that they are in fact narcissists.
    A month ago she gave me the silent treatment and cut me out of her life because she had told me about a distant bereavement on the day of my grandads death and due to the upset I had forgotten. I even told her that I was sorry and was having a cancer scare (all clear now thank goodness) and she still ignored me. She has now cut me out of her life completely and though at first I was upset as I had always been there for her (funny that) and treated her like a sister I had recognised many horrible traits of narcissism, the selfishness, the need for drama, manipulation to get her needs met, neediness, spiteful was. Now the hurt is less, I’m really glad she’s gone. This as well from a “deeply spiritual person who practices forgiveness”.
    I have had to face a lot of ‘I told you so’ from other people who could see it when I couldn’t, and have been mistreated by her but it has taught me a valuable lesson and your work has help me with that tremendously.
    I am glad that my relationship with her brought me to finding your work – I find it interesting she never took your work any further (:-)) and it has been immensely healing to me. I have bought the NARP program and I’m about to start it.
    Blessings to you Mel and Happy Christmas xox

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 24, 2017

      Hi Tonia,

      I am so pleased this resonated with you. I’m happy for you that you have made so much incredible progress. You should be so proud of that! That is so wonderful that you are going to start NARP – it takes things to whole incredible Quantum level.

      Many blessings and Merry Christmas to you too Tonia.

      Mel xo

  • Aintshecute3333@gmail.com'
    Miesha Ogans
    December 26, 2017

    Wow! I’m astonished!!!! Reading your articles was exactly like my relationship???? I am so glad that I have so many answers now. I just thought that he was a demon!!! 😂😂😂 omg even down to the silent treatment??? I’d walk in and I’d instantly know….. My stomach would turn, I would go from a fine mood to complete anguish. It normally would last about3 days…I stopped paying attention to it after a while. He would make sure to show relevance to ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE ELSE except for me. I could ask an important question and…. Nothing!!! As if I wasn’t even in the room??? Everything was always my fault. Everything I did or said was wrong and irritating. I went from strong as hell, to scared to speak or do anything different in fear of being ” stupid” he briefly had me believing I was incompetent. I felt as if he HATED me. In subtle ways he was consistently reassuring of my uselessness. He broke my spirit in pieces, I stopped talking most of the time. He refused to acknowledge ANY OF MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS. I was tormented EVERYDAY. I became his punching bag! I cried and tried” breaking through” to him but to no avail… He would not respond then use it against me next time!!! Wow!!!! Narcissists are evil as hell!!!! He ruined my life. And blamed it all on me. Took one of my weak minded friends (girl) and formed an alliance with her. So here I am left with a ruined career, 2 kids to feed, expensive rent to pay and ….. A hell of a valuable lesson! 💕

  • chief64@aol.com'
    Michele
    December 30, 2017

    Married 25 years to an extremely successful “well regarded, great guy” who has every characteristic of being a Narc. I had an accident and am currently not able to walk. He told me he resents me for this and it holds him back. Left again because I dared confront him on many issues. So now I am being punished with the silent treatment. He won’t return my texts just told me he “blocked” me. It is soul crushing. Yet I am so brainwashed that I question my sanity and perceptions. Am I wrong? What if I follow through and he finds someone else and I was the problem all along? It just is a nightmare. As of now I am seeking a therapist and am done. But of course I am ambivalent…. As he tells me, it’s you, look everyone else loves me.

  • evepin@yahoo.com'
    Eve
    January 5, 2018

    Still wondering if you’re married to a narc? Tell him you might have breast cancer. After over 20 years of marriage, bending over backwards trying to please this man, giving up my own life and friends, walking on eggshells, I was told I needed an MRI to rule out cancer. It took my husband only two months to say he ‘wanted out’ – giving excuses like I “said something to embarrass him in public”, or other strange excuse to justify his despicable decision to walk out. Fortunately the diagnosis was negative, but it did give me a chance to truly see what this man-child was made of.

    The 80/20% analogy is perfect, and what I’ve thought for years…..80% of the time this man can be kind, funny, charming (usually in public) and 20% he is wracked by his own demons and takes it out at home. He is a master of disguise and manipulation, a chameleon with a dark emotional interior. I’ve been torn between love, loathing, and feeling sorry for my husband for years, but the recent cancer scare really showed me that if the times get rough for ME, he’s out the door. Ten years ago a marriage counselor told me that my husband suffered from pretty severe NPD and that I should expect a roller coaster relationship, that probably would not end well for me – at that time I really didn’t realize the extent of what a NPD entailed, and vowed to stick it out with my marriage and try to support my husband. The emotional toll has been extensive and it will probably take the rest of my life to get over.

    This website has been an eye-opener, and huge support in moving forward – wishing all of you the best, and let’s look at the New Year as a clean start towards healing.

    • Stephany.galarza@hotmail.com'
      Jessica
      January 23, 2018

      The 80% is not worth it if the 20% is like hell. It just isn’t worth it. They can’t love someone unconditionally.

  • rkmarshall56@gmail.com'
    rg
    January 8, 2018

    Melanie, I enjoy reading all your blogs and watching your videos. I have a question, though. I was in a job that was good at first, but over the years had begun to feel stagnated and entrapping. My boss had begun to freeze me out with the silent treatment, criticize me for any and everything, and bad-mouth me behind my back. The boss even had other staff members attacking me publicly and calling me out for things they said I had done. I know I’m not perfect, but the things they accused me of (lying, showing favoritism, being hateful, even being a narcissist) were untrue and a total shock to me. Eventually, I left the job. I am much happier now, I’m glad to say. Several friends of mine have told me I should have stayed and not left the job. My question: how does one fight being labeled a narcissist? It’s not easy to prove that one is NOT a narcissist. Just wanted to get your thoughts on the matter. Thanks.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 9, 2018

      Hi rg,

      I am so pleased you are enjoying my material 🙂

      The truth is rg, you can’t fight insanity with sanity. We can only be ourselves and “be”our truth and generally when we are powerfully unaffected regardless of what someone else tries to do to us, and they don’t get any fed from us, then they need to project onto another target.

      Please know, however there is no shame in leaving. But what you will find, is if this becomes a pattern in your life, then you may need to do the deeper healing from childhood wounds so that you are no longer a target for these people. So much of what does go on with narcissistic abuse is unconscious. People line us up when we already have some unresolved wound within regarding being a scapegoat or the earlier traumas of persecution we may have suffered. Or fear of authority or whatever it is.

      I hope this helps and there is some food for thought here.

      Mel xo

  • larajscott@me.com'
    Emily
    January 9, 2018

    Hi Melanie

    I read this great interest. I think I am dealing with a narcissist! I have had an on/off relationship for years and it was during one of the cycles of being ignored that I discovered I was pregnant. When my partner finally got in touch and I told him I also voiced serious concerns about the relationship saying I’d had enough of being ignored (he always justified these cycles by saying I didn’t trust him so it was my fault, in effect, that he disappeared). He told me I would be making a huge mistake if I broke up with him but just weeks later he broke up with me by text saying I didn’t ‘make him happy’. By then I was 8 weeks pregnant. He ignored me completely for months at a time during the pregnancy, re-appeared to play the ‘perfect’ role just in time for the birth and then walked out again when the baby was 10 days old saying I was ‘impossible’ to live with. And so it goes on. Every time he disappears he blames me. He always says there’s been no-one else but not sure I believe him and from what I’m reading, these types of people always have someone else on the go. He’s ignoring me at the moment and just as I find the resolve inside to say enough is enough, he breaks the contact by sending a picture he took of our son. Almost as if he sensed me detaching and it sounds like a gentle hoover just to test the waters, am I right?!

    Thanks x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 11, 2018

      Hi Emily,

      that is great that you are realising those cycles are so not healthy for you and your child.

      Stay strong and I wish you incredible healing and breakthrough to your true life and true love.

      Mel xo

  • ifat.glassman@gmail.com'
    Ifat
    January 14, 2018

    Hi Melanie, thank you for this article. It brought back my experiences from my marriage and has helped me gain a new perspective on all that has happened.
    But I am still left wondering something, because it is one thing that does not fit the pattern, even though everything else does. While the majority of our marriage was composed of this inexplicable silent treatment, he never seemed to really go after any other sources of “supply” or even demand a lot of attention that was focused on him from me, or anyone else, for all I could see. He was quite content not talking at all, to anyone, and just get all his socialization from the internet.

    Could it be that he was just a very shut down, or could it be that he really had a narcissistic personality, despite not having any affairs or hardly really socializing with many other people.

    Everything else in the article, however, described my relationship, including being blamed for misbehaving when I had problems with how I was treated, being convinced that I have trust issues, rage issues, and others.

    Very often I wondered why he wanted to stay married even though he did not seem to want to enjoy my company in any way.

    But that is the one thing I wonder about, is, if everything else fits this pattern, how come this one essential thing of chasing new sources of supply, seem absent here?

    Thanks for any answer you or someone else might have.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      January 15, 2018

      Hi Ifat,

      you are very welcome.

      The more anti-social type can be very withdrawn – absolutely and gain NS from “safer” sources such as the internet.

      Sometimes there will be “something” that doesn’t totally match – and really at the end of the day “unhealthy” is “unhealthy” and healing our own inner traumas and generating and accepting different relationships where we can be ourselves and met, is what it is really all about and what matters.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • Stephany.galarza@hotmail.com'
    Jessica
    January 23, 2018

    Hello, I literally just stumbled this blog today. I think my ex has narcissism. We’ve were  together for three years. One year living together. Long story short- Thanksgiving day he got drunk and he slapped me in the face. Next day he woke up like nothing and he gave me silent treatment for a week. After the week he still wasn’t talking to me but he started hugging me while we slept..brought me goodies from work and would placed it next to me in the sofa. But still no apology. He acted like nothing was wrong and that obviously got me upset.

    He broked up with me on Dec. 9th because I confronted him about the silent treatment. I told him how long i had to wait for him to realize he messed up. He told me we should break up and he was going to go to therapy. He said he was going to therapy and would fight for me when he was recovered. I was a hot mess, crying and begging him that we could go to therapy together but nothing changed his mind. Two days later I logged in his FB and he started messaging a girl that same day. I was in disbelief but I managed to get most of my things, paid a lot of money for a last minute moving service. Took the bed, fridge, and stove. Called him as soon as he got off work and he said he wasnt coming home..said he was going to his moms. And i couldn’t help but to tell him that I had seen the messages and he just told me to fuck off. I havent seen him since the night before.

    A week after I left, i sneaked in the apartment and there were condom wrappers in the house. We have same friends and the night before Christmas he had a party in our apartment in which he was with a girl. I saw him trying to talk to her in the videos. After that, my friends said that hes been taking her out. I know he’s doing it to make me feel easily replaceable. I am.assuming this is his new supply. They also told me that he is saying that I just left him and that he loves me but that it was my fault.

    I feel like I did not deserve everything that he has done. I feel like he is punishing me. We had so many plans for the future and he is acting like I have never existed. I am just so tired of trying to work things with him after hes the one that has messed up. I am certain i do not want to be with him. Hes only texted me twice about random things which i did not engage in the chat.I have been strong enough to block him from all social media

    . But I still haven’t seen him. I’m scared I’m being in denial of moving on. I’m scared that his new supply will not be enough and he’ll try to come back. Btw he literally lives a 5 min drive from my mom’s. Which is already bad enough. I’ve been lucky i have not seen him.  What am i suppose to do when he lives so close to me. I guess I’m just scared that he’ll get mad if i don’t get hooked again or if I take a new guy to our friends parties. They are my friends as well and i dont want to loose them just because of him. How do I find the strength  to make him believe I do not want to be with him if he comes back?  And what if he doesn’t leave

  • scottishkay@gmail.com'
    Scott Kanaporius
    February 1, 2018

    I just want to say thank you for all these articles. I’ve been reading them ever since I was abandoned and the silent treatment took over, and they are authoritative and expressive of what it’s like to be with a narcissist, and not just what narcissism is. I have been through absolute hell, and felt mind-bending, soul-shattering pain, deeper than anything I’ve ever experienced in my life. I’ve been violated existentially, and my self murdered. I’ve been suicidal most of the time since it ended. I have recovered, but am still reading your articles for clarity and further support and validation. Again, thank you so much. Your work is so very appreciated and has probably helped save all of us survivors. There is indeed life after narcissistic abuse.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 5, 2018

      Hi Scott,

      you are so welcome and I am so pleased my material has helped.

      Sending blessings and continued healing.

      Mel xo

  • PhoebeKRaymond88@gmail.com'
    Phoebe Raymond
    February 18, 2018

    Hi,

    I was friends with benefits with a narc; his ex warned me about how manipulative and weird he was. I’m someone who likes to give them a chance first especially if I know about their past–she also told me a bunch of personal stuff about him and is a bit nutty herself, so I took what she said with a grain of salt since she has a history of badmouthing the people she’s dated anyway. Boy did I make a mistake. Once he realized I knew everything about him, I was instantly punished, told that I was the one who was the problem even though i was mad at him, and that our friendship had “deteriorated beyond repair” yadda yadda, never once even accepting that I was questioning stuff about him; everything was turned up so it was on me. It’s been three years since he started the silent treatment–I did the apology letter because I knew there are always two sides to an argument and even if he wasn’t a narc, I did do some things that on reflection weren’t the best; I made him a clever get well card when he got in a bike accident, but still, nothing. He acts like I’m not there if we’re hanging out in the same group of friends or leaves the room. It’s enough to drive anyone mad, especially when the friends know what he’s doing, they’re just used to it and can’t really help. The last time we were both at our favorite cafe, and I’d met up with a guy friend, not even speaking to him the whole time, he made sure after the friend left to look at me with utter betrayal so I’d keep feeling guilty and sorry for him. There were a few times that he’d done this to me before where the pattern was the second I was feeling happy and successful he’d start talking to me again; I’m sure it’s the same with his new gf. He’s also behaving neutrally around his ex that warned me about him, and she knows it’s just since she started fostering dogs since he likes them–but i’m also suspicious that it’s because he knows she told me about him. I’m sure the second I have a big break he’s going to start talking to me, but for now I must endure being around him because our friends are the same. Any advice on how to deal with it, not including “learning to shield yourself”? It’s hard since I’m also a hypersensitive empath and shielding myself to people’s emotions is out of the question.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      February 19, 2018

      Hi Phoebe,

      it is so about healing inside us “what hurts” in relation to this – then we are able to feel whole regardless of what other people are or aren’t doing.

      When we deeply understand the Quantum Truths, “This person is an A.I.D. – Angel In Disguise – triggering within me what my wounds are from childhood that haven’t been healed yet” – then we can get onto that deep inner work to be emancipated from what is stuck in our craw and hurting us.

      He has brought to you the awareness of such traumas as: “I am not important” “it’s all my fault” and all the other things we take on into our love identity when we are very young.

      Does this make sense?

      The first step to turning all of this around is here: http://www.melanietoniaeavsn.com/freewebinar

      Much Love xo <3

  • Teal877@yaho0.com'
    Teal
    February 22, 2018

    Oh and ps. He also stopped texting after I told him my father was sick. He is close to my dad. Well I told him it wasn’t good news and I wanted to discuss it in person. He never acknowledged it at allll.

  • starhumble@icloud.com'
    Star Humbles
    February 22, 2018

    Hi fellow partners of Narcissists! I have been married to one for almost 31 years now. Why stay? Nowhere to go and no means of self support////YET! I am working on this and have a plan. I knew that there was something wrong the day I married him because as soon as we got into the car to go on our honeymoon, he made this comment, “I have done this FOUR times now so don’t ask me to do it again!” I asked him what he was talking about. He replied, “Get married! I married ^&*#& three times and now you. So don’t ask to do it again!” Like he renewed his vows with wife number one three times at her insistence. They were married 14 years and I had been married previously for 16. We each had been divorced two years before we met at church! We have 9 children between us, ages 47-20. However, he never “allowed” me to “blend” both families. He kept me as far away from his children as much as he could although we had custody of all 8. He would exclude me from school activities and the more I complained the more he would exclude. He later began to exclude me from grandchildren’s birthday parties, etc. Then his daughter began to exclude, too. We adopted a girl much later who is now almost 21. So much went on for so many years. The thing that totally convinced me that I was right about him was Dec. 7, 2008 when I had a terrible accident and totalled my car by sliding on an icy highway. The person behind me used his cell phone to call my husband and it took me literally screaming his name into the phone for several moments before he would acknowledge that I was there. He knew I was. I could hear him talking on the other line to other people who had accidents, too. See, he is an insurance rep. So when I finally got half of his attention, he seemed angry that I had gotten into an accident and said, “Well, I have several people who have had accidents not just YOU!” didn’t inquire about my wellbeing at all but wanted to know if I could, “limp the car home”. NO IT WAS TOTALLED! He refused to come get me and sent his pregnant daughter to try to find me. She couldn’t find me so the officer took me to a fast food place and his son-in-law loaded up two kids in his work truck without seatbelts to come get me. This was around 11:30 am and I finally got home around 4 pm. My husband had an activity that evening so he was “preoccupied” with setting that up. When I showed up at his booth around 6:30 PM all he could say was, “HI DEAR!” as if nothing happened. That was when I knew that the nightmares I used to have about being “lost” and trying to “phone him” and the phone would turn to paper with me shouting in the paper phone and hearing him yet he couldn’t hear me…had come true. I thought that they were from my own insecurities but learned later that they we actually warnings! The “silent treatments” have been woven through all 30 years in various forms: no acknowledgement of anniversaries, beginning with the first one, no phone calls as to where he was when he just left, just leaving without letting me know he is gone; coming home with me asking where he had been then getting angry with me for asking! Coming home very late from work, often times having been drinking at the office. I could go one but you all know what it is like! We have been to several “counselors” and I am still periodically seeing one who helps me a lot. He has been professionally diagnosed with NPD! The only thing is that he is NOT a sex addict…in fact, he is the opposite…he doesn’t like to be touched. He prefers himself IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I HAVE BEEN IN MY OWN BEDROOM FOR ALMOST 7 YEARS. Sex is beneath him…he has more “self-control” than that. The “silent treatment” phase he will acknowledge anyone else in the room and ignore me, walks by me4 real slow as if he is waiting for me to acknowledge him! Others are much more important to him than I am and he makes this known, like right now as I am typing this he has come home from work, called up one of my daughters-in-law right in front of me and left to trade cars with them so he can get new tires on their car, never saying as word to me. Dinner is ready as it often is when he comes home yet he eats it cold and alone many times! So here is my question: I am in a Silent treatment phase right now…he can outlast me during these periods. Do I acknowledge to him that I know what he’s doing? Do I make a joke of it and ask him how long this one is going to last or just keep staying silent myself? Is there a way that I can get in contact with some of you personally for mutual support?

  • Inky67@yaho0.com'
    Inky
    February 22, 2018

    Evening all. Is it possible to even be friends with a narcissist? Mine has been my best friend for 15 years but we have had ups and downs over the years. He hid quite a bit from me for the first couple of years. I figured he was just a private person and with his job he kept everything secret. I weighed the options and felt he was worth my time though. The family life he had was awful with trauma which has made him act the way he does. I never knew what a narcassist was until I saw he mirrored everything I have read online. He has vanished when there have been serious issues with me or my family (he’s close to my family ).
    That angered me a lot and still he has not recognized my father is ill. He hasn’t let me tell him in person. I’m being ghosted by him (4 weeks now). I guess it’s important to mention that he and I have had feelings since we met and have only fooled around once. The rest of the time it’s serious flirting. We usually are both with someone but are always drawn to eachother. When he feels hurt by his Gf I’m the one he leans on. Mind you this guy also will get rid of anything or anyone who hurts him in a second because of his child like mentality. I’m shocked I’ve lasted thjs many years – I sometimes wonder if he really does love me because I could easily be kicked to the curb. Why keep me around? Sadly I am tired of the ghosting and never knowing what I have said or done. 99% of the time I have done nothing. He just is busy 4 states away but this isn’t how it used to be. It used to be more fun. I’ve found I cannot stop texting him as we usually did with funny jokes or well wishes for the day. Since he is off the grid now, I don’t hear a word. Why torture me after everything I have helped him with? He just mentioned a month ago how I have been such a light in his world and he doesn’t know how to thank me. I’ve been the Invisible Gf with benefits that doesn’t excist. I only exist when he needs something. His last text was inquiring about something he needed. How do I keep going with this man?

  • Gvbn@fvb.com'
    Tina
    February 23, 2018

    Most of the site on focuses love relationships. There are many more levels of narcissism. Friends, family, in laws. I am more interested in these dynamics. You can always leave a love relationship honestly. You are stuck with toxic family members and having tools to help would be great.

  • mokeccino@gmail.com'
    winsignific-ant
    May 2, 2018

    I’m afraid that I am one of these people. I recognize so many of these patterns and behaviors in myself… I thought I was healing myself by retreating from the “source” that no longer made me feel good about myself as I saw them treating others better than they treated me (in my perception, anyway)… so I distanced myself from them and felt better and thought I was healing, but then I get into similar situations again or go try and talk to them again and it’s all good until they stop making me feel good again and I get upset and depressed… So I leave again and sometimes I will be thinking “I will disregard them the way they disregard me.. why should I give them that energy if they don’t reciprocate it? Now they can see how it feels…” and I will feel better in doing so. And then eventually I will feel comfortable talking to them again until it happens again. :/

  • benjrandall@gmail.com'
    Ben Randall
    May 21, 2018

    My Narcissist(N) was my friend for 20 years. We met in law school and became fast friends. I was married and she was in a relationship, so nothing ever happened. We were almost inseparable – so much so everybody thought we were having an affair. I had pretty much fallen in love with her at first sight, but I was married and I remained faithful. After we graduated, we kept in touch. I got divorced about 5 years after law school; she got married that same year.

    I had no contact with her for the next 6 years except for the chance meeting at a courthouse. According to her, her husband would not let her contact me. We share a birthday and used to call each other on our birthdays to exchange birthday wishes. The second year of her marriage, I left a birthday greeting. She did not return the call for 3 years.

    6 years after her marriage we met for lunch; I hadn’t seen her for 5 years. We continued to meet for lunch 3 or 4 times a year for the next 4 years. We now exchanged birthday greetings by text. She was heading for a divorce, and our lunch meetings usually included talk about that. About 8 months before her divorce, my N sent me and another friend from law school a tape she had made of her husband threatening to kill her. We both tried to convince her to leave the house, but she insisted on staying.

    Three months before her divorce we met for lunch and she told me that she had not been able to find an apartment that would take dogs and that she couldn’t buy a house until the divorce was final, so she was planning on continuing to live with in the marital residence, with the guy that threatened to kill her, after the divorce. I told her she was crazy and convinced her to move into a townhouse I was in the process of rehabbing. She did.

    Over the next couple of months, we fixed the place up together. It was beautiful; I’d spent a lot of money rehabbing it, and she was a talented decorator. She was also a great cook, and had me over for dinner every night. Every night. We were drinking margaritas one night and I made the mistake of telling her how I felt about her. I had planned on saying nothing for at least a year. She forgave me, said “Let’s not let this ruin our friendship,” and we continued to have dinner together every night.

    When the day of the divorce came, she took me to the courthouse with her. I asked her why I was there, but got no real answer. Two days after her divorce, we became lovers. I had never been so happy in my life. Two months later, it started to come apart. She began to get angry for no reason. I was a half hour late for a sex date and she cut off sex for a month. She started comparing me to her ex, and talking about the guy she used to date in law school. I asked her if she wanted out and she turned it around on me saying “Go ahead, break up with me.” During this time, we had decided to get married and buy a house together. She helped me get my house staged and I put it up for sale. We went house hunting together; we even looked at a house on our birthday. We continued to house hunt for the next 6 months, even through anger and no sex phase.

    Finally, I asked her one morning if she would spend 10 minutes cuddling. She wouldn’t kiss me, hold my hand, and there’d been no sex for 4 months. She exploded on me and said we needed to take a break because I always wanted sex. It was obviously over, but she asked me to come to dinner 3 days later. I refused, but eventually we started hanging out again, but she told me that she wanted to have the same relationship we had, just with no sex. She told me it was menopause and never wanted to have sex again.

    I did everything I could to hold the relationship together. She bought a house of her own and moved out of my townhouse. I, of course, helped her move, helped her set up her new house, and spent every evening over there cooking and having dinner. We cooked together every night. We were good in the kitchen. But, it was killing me. She had cut me out of her life, didn’t invite me over to see her grandchildren anymore, just used me as her handyman.

    I finally told her that I couldn’t take it anymore and that I wasn’t coming over for dinner any longer. I told her that my heart broke a little every time I saw her, that I was still in love with her even though she wasn’t in love with me. (She had told me this 3 days earlier.) I told her that the only way I could fall out of love with her is if I stopped seeing her. It was my problem and I had to fix it. Her response was: “No problem.”

    Then, the complete silent treatment. I sent her a text a couple of weeks later saying I had one of her shirts and some other stuff for her. Her response was “ok.” I didn’t want to deal with this 5-year-old mentality, so I didn’t respond. I didn’t hear from her for 4 months, then she contacted me because she needed some information about a client. I provided it, she went silent again. It’s been a year now, and there has been no further contact. 20 years of friendship, two months of being lovers, 6 months of breaking up, and I’m not even worth talking to unless I can do something for her. I’m completely demoralized by this. I have never felt so worthless in my life. Luckily, there are resources like this to help. Even though I know I’m dealing with a Narcissist, even though my head knows the deal, my heart is crushed. This sucks, but I will survive. I’m going to ask my doctor for anti-depressants.

  • lbreton6310@gmail.com'
    Laurie
    July 17, 2018

    I was with mine for 5 years. He used the silent treatment time to time but I found when he was carrying on with another women, he would get moody and tended to go to bed very early in the evening. My guess was so he could text whoever it was at the time. Right from the beginning after I let him move in with me things started to change. I caught him carrying on inappropriately with a woman online. He said they were just friends but the type of conversations they were having showed he had an interest in her more then friendship. I called him out on it and the discard began. He withdrew all affection and would be moody all the time. I didn’t know what I was dealing with so I blamed myself. I don’t know why I stayed for so long. I knew his background and loved him dearly. I hoped that time would change things and he would realize that I really wanted to build a life with him. I was discarded the day I caught him in an outright lie. He blamed me and said that he couldn’t tell me because I would freak out. Of course it was another woman he was seeing behind my back. He had never slept with any of these woman but he would hover them and give them the attention he wouldn’t give me at home. When he walked out of the house that day, my heart broke in a million pieces. He even went as far as going to my family for support causing division there as well. It’s been a living nightmare. I apologized to him by email taking all the blame even though I knew in my heart I did nothing wrong. I sent many emails trying to win him back but he was running with the one I caught him with and onto more after that. Anyways its been two years and of course he is still in contact with my family which they try to hide as well. Unfortunately we still live in the same town as much as I would like to up and leave, its just not financially possible so I do see him on the streets time to time. The strange thing is that I can still feel him. I can sense whenever he is close by, I start getting anxiety. Is this part of trauma bonding and will it ever go away? He’s moved on a few times since he walked out. There was no closure, no nothing. I still feel love for him even to this day. I’m terrified to date anyone. I feel like I gave him so much that I have nothing left to give. I am taking care of myself but that fear is still there. Will that ever go away or is this a lifetime thing?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 17, 2018

      Hi Laurie,

      My heart goes out to you and I really want you to know Dear Lady that when we do the inner recovery work that all these binds, chords and pain leaves us.

      That is what my recovery process leads you through – powerfully and quickly.

      I’d love to show it to you here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

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