It is devastating when a narcissist abandons you without a second thought.
Absolutely, a narcissist has the capacity to throw you under a bus, leave and not look back, as if you were yesterdayās garbage that is worthless to them.
How can any human be capable of this? The truth is narcissists arenāt human, not as we know humanity to be.
Iām going to explain to you in more detail, within this article, why a narcissist is capable of this, whilst examining the five main reasons why a narcissist will abandon you without a second thought.
Number 1 ā You Want Them To Do Something For You
Being with a narcissist is like suffering death by a thousand cuts. Leading up to totally horrific abandonments, the narcissist abandons you in more subtle ways along the way.
Before you understand what is really going on with a narcissist, you may notice that he or she āgoes missingā when you want something done. Or puts it off. Or makes excuses, or gets involved with something else ā anything other than what you really wanted him or her to do for you.
Or perhaps the narcissist will perform this task for you in a careless way, they get the instructions totally wrong, or itās such a terrible job that you end up having to mop up afterwards.
Itās maddening. Itās also incredibly disastrous if you were counting on this person for something.
Whatās more, you start to realise the narcissist is self-absorbed; it’s about what he or she is doing and getting rather than playing āteamā with you.
The truth is, he or she has no concept or desire to conceptualise what you may need from them. The narcissist doesnāt listen, doesnāt deliver in a timely manner, and then gets angry with you when you bring up how careless, sloppy or uncooperative they acted.
Comments such as, āJust because I didnāt do it when YOU wanted it to be done!ā are common.
The truth is the narcissistās False Self believes this, āItās me that gets SERVED. How dare you WANT something from me!ā
Please, please know this (important warning) ā when dealing with narcissists in the early days he or she may do EVERYTHING for you!
This is why itās important regarding ANY relationship in your life, whether it be romantic, a friendship, with a neighbour or with work contacts etc., take your time to get to know people before letting them into your home, life, bed, body or Soul. See how other people are treated by them on a regular basis.
If you look and take notice you will see what their level of care for others is, regardless of what act they put on with you!
Number 2 ā When You Are Suffering Disappointment, Illness Or Loss
This next way a narcissist can abandon you is devastating.
Life has its ups and down, and absolutely REAL care and love is for better or for worse. Narcissists are the ultimate āfair weatherā people. They are only nice when they are getting what they want (and even then, it doesnāt last long because the False Self is never durably appeased).
One of the most triggering and angering things for a narcissist is YOU needing attention from them, or their energy.
So many of us experienced the absolute horror of a narcissist ākicking you when you are downā. I remember some of the most abusive times in my narcissistic relationship was when I suffered something painful in my life, such as when a beloved cat got run over, and other times when I went to him for understanding and support.
Not only was I emotionally abandoned, I was also set upon ā punished in verbal and emotional ways that left me reeling.
In this wonderful Thriver Community, I have heard, over the last ten plus years, the horrifying stories of narcissists abandoning people in their life who suffered deaths of friends or family, or who had serious illness diagnoses or complications, and absolutely when people experienced breakdowns (usually as per the narcissistās abuse).
Heartbreaking stories, where we the people, canāt even begin to understand how you could abandon a āso-called loved oneā in such a dire time of need. Yet narcissists do it over and over again.
There are a variety of reasons for this. Firstly, the narcissist ādoesā relationships to take narcissistic supply, the emotional energy that feeds the False Self (which canāt generate its own energy) to validate that the narcissist is significant and actually exists.
If a narcissist has to give out the precious energy and resources that always need topping up, he or she starts to slide into a serious depression, whereby the inner wounds that are being self-medicated away by a continuously fed ego, start to engulf the narcissist.
The False Self is furious about anyone taking away their precious energy. If your situation means that family and friends have been showing you attention, empathy and care ā rather than the narcissist being able to make life with these people all about themselves Āā this makes the narcissist even more furious and deranged.
The narcissist will need to punish you, which is emotional abandonment by being nasty, or will actually leave, possibly for good. Especially if your situation would mean their long-term care and support.
Please note ā there is a specific narcissist where this can differ. The Altruistic Narcissist may actually care for you in spades when you are down and out, but there is a very sinister agenda attached, this ā āAfter what I did for you, now you OWE me.ā
If this has been your situation then I highly recommend, if you havenāt already, to check out my article about Altruistic Narcissists here: Is The Narcissist Capable Of Loving?
Number 3 ā You Want Accountability Or Answers
The narcissistic False Self is above reproach. If the narcissist even suspects that you are questioning them, their easily triggered defence mechanisms come up like hackles.
Sooner or later, you will be questioning the narcissist and saying something about their behaviour, because they donāt have the level of conscience or a consciousness to even understand what other peopleās comfort, care, freedom safety or need levels are ā itās all about the narcissist. You will see this when the āniceā faƧade, the mask, starts to slip.
Bringing up matters to the narcissists means you will start having circular arguments where you feel like your head is spinning. The narcissist is not interested in your concerns or feelings. You are cruelly invalidated.
This is dire emotional abandonment when you are told you have it wrong, your feelings are unimportant, and when the damage the narcissist has created is spun back on you, even in completely illogical ways, to where now all of a sudden, youāre the one at fault.
Itās usual for you to get intensely triggered because you just canāt hold it together with all of the terrified, invalidated and unjust emotions that you are feeling.
This is when many narcissists will abandon you by walking out the door, leaving you highly traumatised. They donāt care.
To the narcissist it is like, āYou deserve everything you get for challenging me in the first place.ā
Number 4 ā After You Have Been Emptied Out
Narcissists are parasitical entities. The False Self is like a black hole that gobbles up celestial matter, which is never to be seen again. Yet, despite this, the black hole never becomes ālightā, it just keeps sucking energy into its deep dark void.
Many a person, as a result of a narcissist, has been emptied out all the way to their demise. It happened to many of us ā losing everything ā property, finances, businesses, family, friends, reputation, associates and then of course finally your sanity and almost your life.
When you are broken and emptied out and there is no more left to take from you, narcissists move on. They have to leave. They need a new source of supply, just like the black hole needs more celestial bodies to keep feeding it.
Heartbreakingly I know of people who hung on, hoping beyond hope that the narcissist would FINALLY start caring and stop doing the terrible things they did to them and love them instead.
Narcissists donāt snap out of it, rather, I have heard stories of narcissists being on dating apps whilst their spouse was in palliative care. Or moving with the kids straight into a home with the new supply, whilst the previous partner and other parent is committed to a mental institution.
If this doesnāt allow us to understand that we are only mere objects to a narcissist ā then I really donāt think anything else can.
To narcissists, people, no matter what their capacity, are mere props. Objects to be used to procure narcissistic supply ā energy, resources, attention, sex, contacts, acclaim (whatever it is). When that is no longer possible, the narcissist can dump a person, (even an entire family and life) and move on as an actor would walk off one movie set, to begin their career on the next one.
Number 5 ā When You Have Woken Up To Who They Are
This last of the five ways a narcissist can abandon you without a second thought, is how you can END this in your power, and even with great advantage to yourself at the end.
If you have committed to your Inner Work to heal to take back your Soul, sanity and Life Force, then you know who the narcissist is.
The curtain has been pulled back from the little man (or woman) hiding behind it, and you know this person is not powerful and has been merely attacking you with the unhealed parts of you, that you are now taking full responsibility to meet and heal.
You are no longer buying into the nasty behaviour. You now know your values and truths. You are no longer hooked in, and you are taking empowered calm and clear actions to regain and take back control of your life.
Feeling this shift from having you on the ropes ā where the narcissist could mess with you ā to not having the upper hand anymore ā¦ the narcissist will test you to see if they can still infiltrate your boundaries.
They may try threats, hoovering, threatening new supply, or trying to appeal to your compassionate side (or whatever tactic they used to do to hook you).
If they discover that you are serious, sealed up, not falling for it and they start to realise you are not responding, and moving on with your new life ā then he or she may try the ultimate sob story apology and promise reform.
Of course, this is also faux. And, my greatest suggestion is to KEEP healing! If you donāt give in, THEN the narcissist knows there are no more moves left on the chess table.
Firmly know this, a narcissist, like any predator, has to get a feed that exceeds the energy expended trying to get it. Otherwise, the hunter is finished.
Now the narcissist needs to go. And I really mean this. For them to stay in your presence connected to you and your life in any way, when they can no longer hook you, affect you, siphon out narcissistic supply and have you handing it over, is the ultimate insult to a narcissist.
They have to GO to where they can be a narcissist, suck emotional energy and resources from people, and know their own significance as a result of being able to affect people intensely.
I canāt tell you how many people in this wonderful community as a result of working with NARP, healing their internal triggers and getting support from our incredible NARP community (which in my humble opinion is the most successful Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse Community in the world) have experienced narcissists capitulating ā handing over healthy settlements, custody arrangements and stopping their rubbish ā¦ because of exactly this fifth point.
In Conclusion
Please know TRUE recovery from narcissistic abuse is a spiritual battle between good and evil, namely light and dark. Itās a battle for your psyche and Soul, and when you succeed on that level, then you start to get the win on every level.
Please know the result of calling out a narcissist ā without doing the Quantum inner healing recovery work ā is that you will feel triggered and still hooked in.
Thatās why the right recovery work is so helpful to be able to get up and out of this, with the best results, power and forward progression possible ā with the least amount of fallout.
I canāt recommend NARP enough to help you move on from the shocking abandonments of narcissistic abuse, as well as healing your abandonment fears and programs to full completion ā just as I successfully did mine!
I really hope that this article has helped you, and Iām looking forward to hearing from you below.
Did you suffer these abandonments? Are you still going through them?
Have I given you some hope that you too can get through this and come out the other side, more empowered than ever and free of narcissistic abuse?
Have you already achieved this and feel like you are Thriving?
When my narcX discarded me, he wouldn’t take my calls to discuss the ‘breakup’ and then messaged me to say ‘I might talk to you tomorrow’ then a follow up separate text message that said ‘might’. That second ‘might’ was enough for me to realise I was a puppet in his game. Even his mum had said he was manipulative!!
My narcissist read my journal and all the struggles I was having in trying to live with him. He made me leave and refuses to talk about it. Stone cold silence.
I cant quit looking at his FB. 15 days now. Pain is unrelenting.
Hi Annette,
my heart goes out to you – that is very painful.
I’d love to invite you in to my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I believe it can help you gain some clarity, healing and your power back
I hope that this can help
Mel ššš¦
The pain may continue for a while. BUT know this! You will eventually reach a place of great peace and hope. You will go on to be happy again. I did after a 34 year marriage with a narc.
Love point 5
They no longer have any moves left on the chest table ā- he sure didnāt and tried as they all do ā¦ and never will šš¤£šš¤£šš¤£š
The deep weeds have been plucked out of my life šš»šš»ššš
š hello new life ā the flowers are blooming even better than before the abuse ..
What a gift š
Love it!šŗ
Awesome Faye!
Mel ššš¦
Wonderful!!
We donāt owe the narcissist or their supporters anything! Guilt trips are par for the course with them. If they had it their way, weād all be old maids with no life or goals of our own. Of course they actually believe they are entitled to your life.
You said it perfectly! Boy that describes my sister. It is such a relief to be no contact and get on with MY life. Thanks for sharing. Wishing all of the NARP community the very best.
Bless you Hannah,
Best wishes to you too
Mel ššš¦
I’m glad it does Asha!
Bless! Thank you!
Mel ššš¦
So true Mbffh! I am 61 years old and have just realized the guilt trips, lack of true love & understanding from my mother my whole life, have been par for the course too. I just always thought it was her way of being a strict mom! Unfortunately I have a brother, 59 yr old, detaching for a second time, a sister who is attached to mom’s hip (cruel, favored & troublesome too). I lost my dad to suicide at 51yr. They do believe they are entitled to your life. Not anymore. Thank you Melanie for helping me to understand narcissism. Your support has been so helpful and uplifting to me this past year!
My mother has been dead for over 20 years and Iām just now beginning to heal from the narcissistic abuse she laid on my brothers and sister along with myself. My eldest siblings were simply abandoned while my younger brother and I received a hefty dose of her neglect and emotional abandonment. Letting go of the anger and resentment is very healing indeed!
Thank you Melanie!
When I stopped allowing my narcissist wife to control me, it frustrated her to the bone. But she needed my paychecks to pay the bills.
I lost my job and benefits ran out. I saw nobody will hire a late 50’s year old man, not even for menial labor, that is when she discarded me into homelessness or so she thought. My elderly parents living in another town needed help and I was able to move in and help them to their respective ends of life.
After 5 years, I inherited their 3 car garage home and the ex tried to get her paws on it, but I had already gone no contact. She even tried to sic a lawyer on me, but I just ignored them all. Nothing ever came of it.
Way to go, Stephen! I bet she still wakes up in the morning angry at you for escaping
Good for you! Proud of you.
When I asked him to be accountable to me as I knew he was cheating and lying about it to me, he turned it around on me telling my family I was controlling him. They all believed him at the time. They know the truth now. We were all taken in by him. My sister said we all changed…like we were in a cult; giving in to him and giving him everything. But when my family all turned their back on me because they believed him I had a nervous breakdown, took some pills and ended up in hospital. When I couldn’t sink any lower he told me, as I pleaded with him to come see me, that he hadn’t loved me for a very long time and that he wouldn’t be coming to see me. He pulled me back in several times after that. But now it’s been a few years and I sometimes still struggle but I’m finally feeling myself again with a new lease on life.
Dear Melanie,
Thank you for these explanations of the different ways that a narcissist will discard anyone in their path. Number 5 and 2 really resonated…. I was beginning to no longer tolerate her abuse as well as I was going through a long recovery from a sexual trauma incidents from my youth. She chose to tell me that she was “leaving me” during my most difficult period of treatment for sexual trauma…. it seemed that she was aware of my vulnerability and chose to pounce at that time. I was also putting up some kind of resistance to her continued abuse and abusive and emotional tirades. She did not like that at all! I was simply trying to protect myself from further abuse and damage from her.
I am able to say these things now with a certain amount of objectivity and as a result of years of therapy and working with your wonderful NARP program I can see somewhat that these are just things of my past…. The wounds are still there but they are healing and I attribute a lot of that healing to my work with NARP. I really don’t know where I would be without NARP. Thank you so much, Melanie, for giving this work to us. Much love! ā¤ļøš¦ā¤ļø Peter
Hi Peter,
you are welcome and I’m pleased this resonated and helped liberate you further.
Much love and healing to you
Mel ššš¦
I was married to a covert narcissist for 60 years. He died 10 months ago. I have struggled with needing restitution but will not ever get it.I know I have healing to do to let it all go.I want to live and enjoy the remainder of the time I have left.I would like to take a pill to wipe out all knowledge of his existence.I need to find a way to forgive and forget.
Hi Joan,
my heart goes out to you.
I’d really love you to look at my reply to Anna, as it applies to your situation so much as well.
Sending you healing breakthroughs
Mel ššš¦
Dear Joan, thank you for sharing this. I will pretend that my narc is dead… because he is dead inside and will never give me any relief for the suffering he took such covert joy in inflicting. Also, I can NEVER have any contact with him again by way of protecting myself. I am sorry for your loss and glad you were able to get free by the grace of God.
Congratulations to everyone who is taking back their lives. Don’t let the narc back in. You deserve peace and joy!
Yet again, I could have written this! My ex narcs to a T!
I am so glad that I joined NARP, it is a game changer and life saver. I highly recommend it.
Thanks Mel xx
Hi Sally,
bless!
Great to see you are healing with NARP!
Much love
Mel ššš¦
My narc ex left 6 weeks ago. Iād asked him to leave after a year of silent treatment, interspersed with hoovering and no help with anything but he only went once he found someone else. Left me financially and emotionally depleted.
Just when Iām feeling desperate for him to come back and that I got it wrong and itās my fault, bam! This arrives in my inbox to remind me itās not me, itās him. All points resonate with me. Thanks for continuing to support those of us who are suffering. My friends and family ate supportive but they donāt really understand the trauma bond and agony I feel.
Hi Jackie,
my heart goes out to you. It is so painful to be discarded in that way.
This article is very applicable to your situation.
Please know you can heal from this … truly. Please consider checking out NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp That is the exact healing process that helped me and so many others in this community get out of the pain and anchored into a much better future life.
Sending love and healing
Mel ššš¦
Hi it sounds like you might know my wife. She fits the description of everything you say about these toxic people.
Thank you. You are such a wonderful teacher. Your advice has finally made me see her face without the mask. I still need lots of help.
You are very welcome Lorenzo,
I’m so pleased I can help.
Mel ššš¦
I was totally abandoned after six years with my narc our daughter was only 12 weeks old, I was a new mum very vulnerable. He waited until my first Motherās Day and simply said āwhen I get back from football I want you goneā needless to say I suffered a breakdown! Unfortunately Iām now 7 years into another narcissistic relationship as I didnāt know about narcissistic abuse when I started this one and what signs to look out for, Iām doing the NARP program and starting to heal me from inside I can see him for what he is and I no longer get triggered by his silent treatment or abhorrent behaviour. I am on the verge of leaving him but I donāt quite have the strength yet, as the days go on I get more and more educated on what is truly going on and once I am whole I know I will be strong enough to say enough is enough. Thank you so much for you support and great Thriver articles they keep me grounded to the reality of my situation. X
Hi Lucy,
Please know how welcome you are.
I’m so pleased that you working with NARP and working towards breaking free.
Sending you strength, courage and healing
Mel ššš¦
It’s been a few years now and I still read every article you write because it helps to be reminded of the real person behind the mask. I am so grateful to you and God to have him out of my life. I know deep in my heart that he will never change and things will always go back to the way they were. The last two years with him I was able to really see who he was so that when he left yet again I was prepared for it and this time I pulled the rug from under him. Melanie, your insight is amazing and there are so many people out there that need this help. Thank you for continuing to put it out there. If you are suffering remember it’s Intellect over emotions. Don’t let your emotions rule your life. It was time for me to grow up.
Thank you, Karen. I honour my inner child but I need to re-read that Bible verse about “putting off the things of childhood” and learning to parent and love myself. My mom was a “kick-you-when-you’re-down” type of narc too so I need to stand up for myself! Grateful for this insight
Hi Anna,
Making any contact to try to get closure means he will be able to invalidate, ignore, or twist and turn it to hook you back in.
A narcissist never “gets it” and has no desire to. Please know how futile that will be. The closure is always between you and you and Source. That’s it.
When you heal on the inside then complete and utter closure and release come.
NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp grants you that, and I can’t recommend it enough.
Much love to you
Mel ššš¦
More and more I get empowered by doing the inner work off NARP. My dear friends tell me that my voices has changed in a confidence voice, quiet talking with conviction.
I notice that he is loosing control and he can’t stand it. Melanie every day I am reading the blogs I get from you in my mailbox from thriver tv most of the time I need to read.
It reminds me that what I see, feel, hear is the truth Its about me, It is happening to me
talking about me in the third person is almost gone! talking about me as me is more and more the reality MY reality that how I am living is absurd, no words.
Especially now, the situation hovering, hooking by pulling me in againnnn after 27 years does not work anymore BUT I notice all the time, every day I must be remembered !
Hi Miranda,
I am so happy for you!
So many blessings and continued expansion to you – you are doing an amazing job!
Mel ššš¦
Write a letter and then keep it for yourself. Writing really helps to process the emotions and get over the issues more swiftly. But why give him the satifaction of knowing he affected you intensely by sending it? That is the narc’s ultimate vaildation. He is a cypher, there’s nothing there… keep the letter and re-read it or add to it as needed. When you’re really over him, you won’t need to keep writing. Mine is over 25 pages. So far š but I haven’t looked at it in months <3 Moving on!
I love the part in this episode about “affecting us intensely” being their main Narc goal. I am putting my foot down now. For me, not for him š thank you. Freer every day to reach my true potential
I love that you are choosing detachment for you!
Love and blessings to you Ch,
Mel ššš¦
I had an ex girlfriend who used to threaten to kill herself every time she didnāt hear what she wanted, who would instigate arguments to consume my time and would argue at me wanting to spend time with my children. She blamed me for poor financial decisions made long before I met her, would take pictures next to her fathers grave during online arguments and when I eventually left, I had to get police intervention. I returned everything of hers via courier but she refused to collect? Is that normal Narc behaviour? Since then I have had zero contact and blocked her on everything, and now get dozens of very specific spam emails signing me up to things every day. My business is constantly receiving peculiar and fake enquiries every day but I have an assistant who responds and they never ever reply. What do you think? Are these things related in your opinion?
Hi Barry,
yes, that is distinctly unhealthy behaviour.
Does it really need categorizing?
Histrionic, narcissistic – let’s just call in unconscious and Not Your Reality!
Mel ššš¦
Yes! I am eternally grateful to Melanie for NARP and these dedicated articles. Most recently, I discovered my boss (foreman) is a narcissist and called him out. I have been working with NARP for many years, but my childhood programming and desire to succeed at my job had me in that old enmeshed pattern. Also, I was one of the very few females around!
That night I did Module 9 with a passion. The cruel discard happened the very next day when he recruited the Safety Officer to bully me into taking medical leave… which I needed by then! Now I am taking the opportunity to really clean up the inner wounds, working diligently with Modules 4 and 5. I am pursuing a Harassment and Discrimination complaint meanwhile moving through the phases of recovery.
On Saturday night I suddenly realized I don’t need validation from the company or anyone; I LET GO. This is so incredible! I don’t know where I’m going next but I do know what I stand for: respectful and inclusive workplaces where women and other minorities are valued. It gives me so much peace and power to know that’s where I’m headed in my career path forward. Thank you š
Hi Christine,
Wow! I LOVE This!
True graduation, how fantastic that you turned inwards and fully worked on this.
Now you can look forward to being FREE of this pattern! Yippee!
So much love to you
Mel ššš¦
Iāve been following you for awhile. I enjoy & appreciate the work you do & provided information.
This is my first time responding. Some of the narcissistic qualities you mentioned in the article, resonate with me. Is it possible to be a recovering narcissist?
Hi Shelia,
the very fact that you are here makes it highly unlikely that you are a narcissist.
When we get traumatised by abusive people we fight back or get triggered into doing things we are not proud of.
If you google my name plus “Am I the Narcissist?” this will help you get a lot of clarity around this.
I hope this helps!
Mel ššš¦
My narc husband told me and our two young sons “I’m going to get myself a new family ” It was horrible enough to say to me “I’m going to get myself a new wife ” but to say that to our two sons as if they were outmoded toys he was going to replace from the toy shop shows how despicable narcs are.His new family were my crappy excuse for a “friend” and her two sons and they had been trying to get pregnant together while we were still married and we were living together.They never managed to have a baby together thank God and he died .No loss to my sons or me !!!! Thanks as always Mel.xxx
Sending big hugs and healing to you and your boys, Shelly.
You all deserve love, each other, beautiful relief and so much better.
Mel ššš¦
This article hit me- Iād always say- btw my father and ex husband, they see a knife and come and twist it harder to make you bleed more- the kicking when your down. Melanieās articles have helped me heal after running away from my ex husband whose in the CIA- imagine a Narc with psychological training LOL- Iāve been no contact since December and finally nearly healed. I pray for all of us here that follow bc this abuse is so insidious and stealth and soul breaking but there are silver linings… we must believe that. ā¤ļø
I never want another person, whom claims they love me and I love them, to kick me when Iām down or dig the knife in farther… this was probably the hardest with this type of abuse- the most confusing.
Hi Danielle,
I’m so glad my material helps, and please know I’m sending you continued healing!
You can do this!
Mel ššš¦
Hi,
Maybe narcissists generally donāt think a lot? I mean as in painstakingly imagine and reason? Is this a part of what they want other people to provide for them? If something makes sense to them in the moment, without reflecting on it, itās fine? Then, if you ask them for something that requires thinking, they have no clue how to even start and they just do or say something, anything, to make the situation, including you, go away?
This would not be so much of a problem if their go-to impulse was to follow the rules and be a āgood citizenā, obviously.
I know you say: āDonāt focus on the narcissistā, and it has crossed my mind that I might come across as arrogant, but; no offence intended. Iād be super interested to hear your thoughts on this.
Thank you so much for posting all the videos and articles.
Hi I,
healthy “thinking” follows healthy inner belief systems and a healthy inner core.
Distorted deranged thinking comes from a self-divorced inner being, that has a pathological self positioned inserted in its place.
The thing is you are classifying “thinking” as you would consider thinking. They think – but not in the way that is usual for you.
Mel ššš¦
Dear Melanie, I am so thankful for your videos and articles. I would still have that gut feeling that things aren’t right while he has me believing that he’s entitled to do a runner when things get too tough emotionally! This article rings so true to me and my life with my ( I now know for sure ) narcissist husband of 28 years. Especially 2 and 3. I have been abandoned by him in every way, shape and form. So have our kids. When he sees that I’m upset about it and expecting him to be accountable, he dishes out his angry rant, basically telling me I’m a terrible person, throwing in a whole lot of insults and put downs, for daring to question him, then abandons me even more! I was abandoned by him the day after my mother died he decided to give me the silent treatment and for that week up until the funeral. When I asked him what’s wrong he said that I snapped at him ( I actually didn’t ). I was so upset that he decided that he could exit our relationship for that time, and not support me, all the while I was dealing with arranging the funeral and trying to raise my 2 year old and help my sick brother (who died seven months later) and be a support to my traumatised 19 year old son who found his nan passed away. The narcissist wanted nothing to do with it and found an excuse to abandon us all. He made it about him, and what upset him (me supposedly snapping at him) rather than considering me and the loss and grief I was feeling.
I don’t think that he actually understands that people have feelings. It’s as if other people being emotional or having a need is something so foreign to him, doesn’t understand it, so disposes of them! His mother is the same, saying “I don’t go to funerals, I don’t like them”. !!!!!!! Well Dah, nobody likes them, they’re not meant to be liked, they’re not meant to be fun, Dah, but ya still go!
I was so sure that he would surely treat me better, surely have some empathy after my mother passed, but no, he got worse the weeks and months after.
Another significant time of abandonment, emotionally and physically, was the day I returned home after being in hospital for life saving brain surgery from having a ruptured aneurysm, I was a bit cranky and intolerant (not realising it was the medication I was taking), asking for help with something, his reply was “Look, I’m tired from driving back and forth to the hospital every day to visit you, you don’t even thank me”. “How can you be so grumpy, you are so ungrateful, you really make it so easy for me to be with another woman right now”!!!! I was devastated and so distraught after hearing that, crying and asking “Why, how can you say that to me” asking if he realises what I just went through. He decided that he was going to stay angry with me, silent treatment me, telling me that he will be not be staying home to care for me and will be returning
to work tomorrow, then left the house to go bike riding for several hours, leaving me to make dinner for our boy. I had only just got out of hospital that day!! A couple of days later I had to beg him to drive me to the supermarket, as I wasn’t allowed to drive at that point, to get some groceries
he refused to help and waited in the car while I struggled with the shopping. Did not even carry the bags into the house! He doesn’t mind helping other people though! I guess he has something to prove to others. I don’t matter because he already has me I guess, begging and waiting for his scraps! Forever hoping he will grow some empathy and sometimes seeing signs of a human in there keeps me optimistic. With Number 5, yes I have woken up to who he is. I am just so worn down focusing on the narcissist. I know I shouldn’t, its just so hard to not when I’m always wondering what just happened! It holds held me back. I know he doesn’t dwell on it at all. He still carries on as normal, unscathed. His other compartments of his life are all ok so he’s ok with himself! Sorry about the long post. I know I need to do NARP. Thanks for this opportunity to vent.
The videos and articles are a comfort to me Melanie and I thank you.
Hi Wendy,
My heart goes out to you being deeply in the trauma and rumination, as well as painful abandonment programs. I deeply understand, I was once there too!
You are never going to make sense out of this logically, no matter how many times you share it or go over and over it. You need to get the trauma out of your body to heal.
Absolutely NARP is the answer for you.
http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
We would love to have you as a part of our wonderful NARPers and help you heal.
Please know how welcome you are Wendy, and I want you to know, NARP will take you to the next level much further in your healing than what my materials have to date.
Much Love
Mel ššš¦
Reading these brought back memories of my first few years with my son’s father. My son was 11/2 and I found out I was pregnant with a 2nd and the moment brain found out what was happening I started bleeding. There was no way I could have another with this man or have 2 babies to care for, and myself and him. Immediately I knew this would never be. After 6 weeks of this miscarriage happening one morning I woke up in pain and knew something was wrong. I asked my partner to call for a ride or an ambulance and he told me to stop whining and finally called an ambulance. I had never been treated the way this man has treated me and continues to do so and when I asked him to stay with me until ambulance got there he just picked up our son and the look he gave me was like I was asking him for the world. “Ummmmm no” was his answer and whisked my boy away and left me there to wait. It was the oddly calm way he just pretended like i was nothing and that my son watched his behavior and he was learning everything. I left him 3 months afterwards yet this happened 8 years ago I’m still unable to escape his tyranny. Even now while he lives 500 km away. One day at a time,I I take my power back.
Hi Katherine,
I would love to help you with a deep understanding of how you can powerfully and quickly take your power and soul back – even after all this time.
Please come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar and I’ll explain and show you how.
Much Love
Mel ššš¦
Wendy My heart goes out to you. If you are still with him you MUST GET OUT somehow. Do not leave it until you are totally dependant on him (eg you become incapacitated)…or that he gets ill and you feel obligated to look after him.
To the world my husband was the most doting man. Even behind closed doors (but only when HE decided to do something nice…when ever I requested anything he would block, go in a funny mood, have outburst etc) it was all so confusing. I lived treading on eggshells and became the opposite of the person I was at the beginning of the relationship, fearful, on antidepressants, finding it hard to cope at work, withdrawn from friends and interests.
He was in a bad mood about having to collect me from work when I had an injury, no concern at all. Also when I was incapacitated he angrily announced ā and I am not going to get ice for (your injury)!ā I had to wait until heād gone out and went down the cellar on my bottom (couldnāt walk) to get ice from the freezer. If Iād done it when he was there he would have got gratification from seeing me so demeaned.
When I had a fever for days (poss cellulitis) he was in a bad mood about taking me to A & E hospital. He used to help other people but was nasty about helping me to do my aging motherās shopping when I was ill.
I started getting bad heart palpitations and went for tests. I heard him say to his family member on the phone āsheās fineā. I was far from it.
He also left me in bed all day with no food or drink when I was so depressed and scared to go downstairs on day 2 of a rage that lasted 3 days. I was physically and mentally dying. This was when my soul screamed āyouāve got to get out!ā I was terrified and broken but did it!
I stayed too long. Tried to go back to work but autoimmune disease took hold and had to give up. The divorce was difficult and with my family member siding with him. I have lived the last few years with fear, and enormous confusion before I discovered Melanie and Narc info. But I would still rather be where I am now and unwell compared with had I stayed. I really feel that I would have died one way or the other. You must get out before itās too late!
Sending love and healing vibes to all.
Dear Sis, I went through all these five experiences and still didnāt get it until my son āmommy I am tired of all his mind gamesā! It was like someone had slapped me in the face and suddenly I had a word to describe everything I was going through. One day a colleague mentioned the word āgaslightingā when referring to one of the managers and said I should google it! Thatās when I discovered more than I had bargained for and I was in a constant state of nausea and vomiting and dizziness simply because of the truth that was facing me! After realising that this will never end I decided to leave and my sons refused to stay with him even though he he took everything and had the money! I still thank God for that decision and I donāt regret it even for a moment! Thanks so much for this enlightening article, I will definitely share it with others.
Thanks Freebird. Sorry to hear how you were treated by your narcissist.
Itās almost as if they see illness and needing care as a weakness and weakness disgusts them. They see sadness and grief as poison that they donāt want to have anything to do with.
I am still with him. Our boy is 9 years old now so I feel that he will always have a foot in the door of my life if I left. I donāt feel strong enough yet. Iāve weighed up the pros and cons of having him around. Heās basically a baby sitter if I work up the courage to start building a life for myself to become independent. I know that heās been building a life for himself since our boy was a baby. He has all these new friends and contacts since then, he wonāt even allow me to know and admits he doesnāt talk about me to anyone. When heās being angry he tells me that Iām nothing and I donāt do anything worth mentioning. He also has zero insight as to what a child needs. No nurturing from him. Gives no time. Our adult children have nothing to do with him. And he doesnāt even care. He was glad when they left home. This narcissist is all about himself. How he can impress others.
Family doesnāt matter. My poor kids didnāt really have the security of a close family as much as I tried to make up for his emotional abandonment. What I canāt grasp the most is how he can be in his social group joking around etc or at work and do his job easily, without a care or thought of how his family was suffering. It never effects him.
Hi Melanie! This is so very powerful, and aids me greatly in maintaining my nee boundaries. Thank you again so very much for sharing your knowledge, wisdom, and all of your videos, blogs etc.
My heart and body are becoming fuller with the light, and I KNOW that the QUANTUM FREEDOM HEALING is the path to get myself whole, free and in my own power!! Love and Gratefullness to you and the MTE team!!
Narcissists will have tons of issues, drug problems, anger problems and yet if you leave them they are such victims!! Though notice that even if you leave them and they try to say you are the one who lacks feeling or care, theyāll have a new home, girlfriends and ex girlfriends within a week or two and be right back to being their fabulous partying single selves lol.
Hi Melanie,
Thank you so much for your very helpful information. I can say, finally, I don’t feel like
I’m going crazy. Isn’t that what they are so good at? Wow, Thank you again! Especially the teaching on how everyone else thinks they are so great and your just too sensitive. Beginning my road back to loving myself again.
Thanks
How something so beautiful and felt so good and right can turn into your biggest painful ugly regret is something I will NEVER understand I hate wasted time and unanswered questions when all he got from me was honesty and love. Well fuck LOVE!!
I had a father who
originally abandoned me emotionally .I married an alcoholic
Then a gambler
Then my first love i had met 30 yrs previously sadly he died of cancer in 2015
Then I married again in 2020 Heās a narcissist
Is this me ?.. or them ?ā¦
Hi Zsuzana,
this is a big conversation.
I’d love to help you deeply get answers to this.
Please come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar
I hope that this can help.
Mel ššš¦
My ex just decided he is done again, because I can’t do anything right, I suck, I don’t do Anything for him, I can’t make enough time for him it was constant battle with a different fight every week. Now this week just is done and I am still trying to understand what I did for this to keep happening, I was in a dark spot still am trying to figure what I could have done to change it or help. The more I sat and thought about everything he said, it was him the entire time. I could say ” I am busy this week with my kids and all their events I won’t see you til sat or Sunday!!” Sunday would come and he would pick a fight about how I couldn’t see him more… This last time it was because i don’t bring anything to a relationship, to he’s just done. So I felt guilty and fell in a depressed state, like couldn’t move laid in bed for 3 days. It has been awful. I wish I would have seen this years ago literally 3 years. The most distinctive thing about this entire article is the fact of how they do would do anything for you to barely doing a thing that you ask…. Smh… It was I will come help you and he would finally do what he say he would do months later. I would confront him on that nicely. .. the response was ” I have been doing everything I can to make you happy, make you smile and be the best man for you and you still want me to do that after this long!?!” … Then you question why you even questioned him in the first place. Such a mental mind game that is sooooooo draining and when they leave it feels like you can’t move on.. just horrible…
I gave my heart and soul to Denise M. a well known health blogger. She tricked me , lied, said how āOMG handsome ā I was, exploited me , used me , knowing I am compassionate and would give all of myself to her during her most difficult time, which I did. She never gave me a chance, was having sex with multiple men as well as ex – boyfriends while she was lovebombing me in an extreme way. I recently learned this after the fact . Then she abandons and ghosts me for 2 yers even when my beloved kitty becomes paralyzed and passes away, when my dad falls down the stairs from Parkinsonās and when my mom was bit from the neighborhood dog. She promised to research my condition and left me in writhing pain for over a month .Add to this, she abandons me after I developed my recent health conditions ( very painful interstitial cystitis) and a blood pressure scare of 190/110 due to the stress of her games. I was there for her always and she discarded me like nothing then betrays me and dates many other men I know her ex and he had the same thing done to him . Denise M has many male victims she has done EVIL to
I just want to say one more thing about hat this woman did to me and her ex Scott. Denise M. did not care at all when I recently was in a major emergency hiking where I went the wrong way and had 25 miles ahead of me. She ignored me and sent her sissy boyfriend to make excuses for her poor behavior, blame me, the victim who put up with her for 4 years. and chastise me ( which itself was a betrayal behind my back- she has had sex with most of the blogopshere and bragged about it to her ex. I had 25 miles ahead of me and was 2 hours into the hike after doing much sprinting . I thought I had a 30 minute fast hike but as mentioned I went the wrong path and had not much water left, sun was coming out and I was verry tired. This woman did NOT AT ALL even care. What kind of a person does that? I am honestly in shock and will never ever speak to her again. I tried forgiving her even. She is not normal or reasonable and the worst of the covert narcissists She puts on this vegan nerdy cute innocent girl next door act…I wonder if Rastal had a similar discard.
If there are any men out there who know this woman beware and stay away- she has hurt many guys emotionally and will be exposed as the opportunist user she is. .
Well, that is my story, I need to get my SOUL back.
Chris D
I had no choice in the matter. My boyfriend of 7 yrs., who I took care of because of heart disease, passed away a couple months ago. I had all these questions about why he did it. Why he treated me so carelessly. After reading through these articles you wrote, all I can say is THANK YOU. It has made me realize I didn’t do a damn thing to deserve any of it. I deserve a medal for putting up with it for so long. But then I really did love him and tried to help him with meds and doctors and such. Now I’m putting my life back together, and I am going to survive and move on. I think God helped save me before it was too late by taking him. Maybe he is at peace with himself now so I can be too.
Sending you much love and healing Janean,
it is your time to heal and shine.
Mel ššš¦
I had no clue about narcissistic behaviour while I was in the relationship. After 11 years together while he was committing to spending more time together in our Spanish retirement home. He abruptly terminated the relationship in August 2020.
One classic line was used, “we can remain friends if you want to remain friends”
Why would anyone want to remain friends with a person who had cheated, lied, and betrayed you?
I had vowed to myself that if he ever cheated again that it would be the end of the relationship.
So there was no way I was going to be staying friends.
Despite being told he wanted things to remain amicable, it turned nasty. He was making lots of life changing decisions out of the blue.
Ended the relationship for another woman who had been in a relationship before 38 years in his past..27th August wanting to sell both of his properties to live with the new woman. His letter to me if his financial proposal 29th August
30th August Spanish home on the market.
4th September I was being threatened with being thrown out on the streets..
Very confusing.
I still didn’t realise or understand his behaviour.
After he left me in the house in Spain, basically abandoned as I had no job, no income, I had been dependent on him from 2018, when he paid an allowance into my bank..
I had no clue what I could do. I was lost and didn’t know who I was anymore.
By October I was informed he was going to court to have me forcibly removed from the property.
Evicted. Because everything was in his name, we were not married. I had no legal rights.
This is when I had the revelation about narcissistic behaviour.
Two years on. The eviction hearing went in his favour.
After I published my story in 2022 he also went after me for defamation and harassment. Now I have three overlapping litagations against me. Including a third Civil action for his court costs and an amount for his moral damages.
When will i be free to live my life?
These stories are absolutely heartbreaking & I see myself/situation in each & every one of them, except we don’t have kids but miscarriage. He’s done so many things to me, there are too many to list. The whole cycle applies. Love bombing, hoovering, discard/abandonment, etc. The difference is he’s been physically violent for most of the beginning half of our relationship. I have lupus, so I became dependent on him emotionally/financially/socially. I even allowed him to refinance my house in his name-big mistake. He tried to steal my house right from under me to pay his own debt & siphon the proceeds. I was forced to file for divorce to protect my assets & have a restraining order because of the violence. It’s been horrific. He finally decided that he’d enough of his own self inflicted misery & “wooed/hoovered” me back. The only way out of my financial mess was to allow him to come back & retain my assets. The court system is a big trap. I had no delusions. I always knew he would degrade/discard/devalue/abandon me all over again. It was only a matter of time. He doesn’t physically hit me anymore b/c he’s afraid of jail but he bites me, pulls my hair, etc & acts like it’s a joke. I’m not laughing:( These past two holiday’s have been a nightmare. He decides to visit his family & leave me hanging wondering what the hell happened. Now he left right before Christmas to “think” b/c I never take accountability for my actions. Of course, he left all of his stuff here-clothes, jewelry, bikes, sports equipment-everything(except work clothes) but he’s done with me right?? I haven’t done anything to this man. Lot’s of nerve. I’m terrified he’ll come back so I disable the garage door at night so I can sleep. My therapist is on vacation. I’m trying to hold on & be strong. It’s debilitating. My family is old school & doesn’t understand-only you stay married no matter what. All antithesis to my auto-immune disease. I feel stuck but I’ll figure it out, once I can rid myself of him from my personal & emotional space. Sorry so long. Thanks for reading.