Melanie Tonia Evans

Why Do Narcissists Vanish And Do They Ever Come Back?

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 9
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

I know how devastating it is to have someone vanish from your life without warning.

Without any explanation, you are left agonising over what might have been the reason for them to just get up and disappear from your life.

Before being able to break free from my terrible relationship with narcissist number 2, who was constantly ‘leaving me’, these were questions I used to constantly ask myself …

Why is he suddenly declaring ‘we have to break up’ when only a day earlier he professed that he can’t live without me?

Is he having an affair or trying to hide something he doesn’t want me to know about?

Is he going to hoover me and try to win me back?

Naturally, when a narcissist disappears from your life, the sudden halt of their attention and energy can feel traumatic. It’s almost like someone has ripped your oxygen mask off and you can’t get air. You don’t know which way is up or down, or how you are going to cope.

I believe, after personally suffering this horrifically with narcissist number 2, and then working with so many others, that there is a very effective way to get out of this cycle of desertion and heartbreak.

In this Thriver TV episode, it is my deepest wish that I can help get you clear about what these cruel discards are really about, why they happen, and how (thank goodness) you can stop them playing out in your life.

 

Video Transcript

Lots of people ask this question …

And in todays Thriver TV episode we are going to get right down to it.

And just before I do, let me say this: I promise you that when you get healed beyond this – you won’t care – but until then you will a lot.

The narcissist leaving can be devastating beyond measure. And maybe it’s happened to you so many times that you are now walking on broken glass, not knowing if you can relax into loving this person, or when they could just up and leave you again.

If you are going through this pattern, how can you have any certainty or security in your relationship or your life? The truth is you can’t.

So, let’s start off by talking about the ones that leave and come back and leave and come back again. I have known people who have been through discard after discard after discard. And then been love-bombed and coerced back into the relationship with a narcissist … time and time again.

Make no mistake this is a cycle of violence. The cycle of violence goes like this – blow-up (abusive episode), separation, reconnection (honeymoon period), tension builds, and then the blow-up (abusive period) happens again … and on it goes over and over again.

The blow-up situations intensify and the times between cycles generally shorten. Why? Because life has a way of showing us when we are not living aligned with the truth of our soul … and with narcissists things usually need to get horrific before we let go and do what we have always needed to – turn inwards to heal ourselves beyond being on the receiving end of these abusive cycles.

Discards, when a narcissist leaves, can be totally confusing as well as distressing because narcissists truly are the master of pulling the rug out from under you. The truth is if you are dispensing narcissistic supply in the way the narcissist’s False Self requires, or the narcissist is acting out their role perfectly whilst love-bombing (which is all about initially hooking you or not losing you as a source of narcissistic supply), the narcissist may act like they are totally in love with you – telling you that you are their one and only, their true soul mate and that they couldn’t ever think of living without you.

Yet, as soon as you hit that trip-wire that detonates an ego injury within the narcissist’s fragile inner identity, he or she despises you – even to the point of being hell-bent to replace you with another source of supply, or punish you or discard you.

Again the narcissist leaves emotionally, or in a fidelity sense, or literally.

This leaves you reeling, not able to comprehend what just happened when you have just gone from hero to zero with a narcissist. One moment you are the love of their life, and the next you are thrown on the scrap heap as if you never mattered and don’t exist.  You are adored and then abhorred on a dime – and it leaves your head spinning.

Then there are the narcissists who don’t come back. This can happen because the person that they have been sucking dry ends up so sick and emptied out that they serve absolutely no purpose to the narcissist anymore. The narcissist, in this case, is like an actor moving sets – the previous actors and scenes serve no purpose to him or her anymore. Many people have personally experienced the soul devastation of being rendered so sick and damaged that they have been suicidal, hospitalised or even given a shocking health diagnosis and the narcissist deserts them – for good. The only time the narcissist may reappear is if they find out that this person has had a miraculous recovery – which equates to ‘They will be able to grant me what I want from them again.’

The only case of a narcissist not deserting someone who we may not consider as a fertile source of narcissistic supply anymore, is when he or she is an altruistic narcissist who uses people’s sickness, reliance and dependency to get an ego feed ‘aren’t I a fabulous person?’ as well as control people ‘because of what I do for you, you owe me’, which can be a very sick and deadly game that keeps people sick and bonded to him or her. This plays out as the narcissist being both the abuser and rescuer to them.

Or, if not an altruistic narcissist, perhaps the narcissist is hanging around like a vulture waiting to pick what they can from this person when they are completely incapacitated or pass over.

Another reason why narcissists may leave permanently is that the ‘game is up’, their mask has come down, they have been exposed and the person they are leaving fully knows who they are, and can’t be manipulated, threatened or abused by them anymore. This is very, very handy for Thrivers who do the inner work and truly want to get on with their abuse-free lives. Once the narcissist experiences there is no narcissistic supply to be gained from someone, then they simply can’t expend their own inner energy that is forever waning and can’t be self-sustained, to try to get it. They have to go for easier sources.

Speaking of other sources narcissists will generally when leaving temporarily or permanently, be hunting or be with others as sources of narcissistic supply. If the new source of supply doesn’t work out he or she may return to you as if nothing has happened and try to simply resume with you. Even if the new source of supply does work out there may be a time when the narcissist suffers from an ego injury from this new person and decides he or she wants to punish that person by hooking up with you again.

I have often said that narcissists are like crocodiles; they keep people on the hook for narcissistic supply just as crocodiles keep lumps of meat under rocks for a future chew if supplies get low. Narcissists are experts at triangulating people in this way ensuring that these people don’t get together and realise the truth.

When narcissists leave, they may not give you a reason, or just go missing, or tell you that they are away on business and that the work contract is extended or whatever else. Or he or she may just say ‘I need time to think’ which is narcissistic speak for: ‘I’m testing out another source of supply or returning to an ex right now to see how that turns out and stalling things with you just in case it doesn’t.’ Or he or she may incite an argument with you, get you to lose your temper, and turn it all back on you saying that is why they are leaving.

The truth was it is very easy for them to do this – it can happen at the drop of a hat – because the narcissist was never truly there in the first place.

It’s happened to me, especially with narcissist number 2, who regularly deserted and left, and I am sure it has happened to so many of you watching this too. And what I know now – apart from what I needed to heal – is that we need to show up asking questions and investigate if something feels off.  Don’t just take someone’s word for it if something feels wrong inside for you.

Often our intuition is correct, matters may be untoward, and truly if a person is not a narcissist as long as you stay calm and honest about your doubts, if they have nothing to hide it shouldn’t be an issue.

Ok … so now let’s get down to how to stop this devastating, heartbreaking pattern happening in our life.

We can’t change the narcissist. We can never appease or satisfy a False Self, it’s not personal – it’s just not possible. The only person we have the power to change is ourselves. And this is the thing about narcissists they bring to us (always) the parts of ourselves that are underdeveloped and unhealed that require our own attention, love, and devotion to heal into wholeness.

For me, my susceptibility was the terrors of abandonment, which because they were unhealed were throttling me again and again and again, by someone who delighted in regularly abandoning me.

Just as I thought things were going well, he would blow up and go from being the ‘luckiest man in the world’ to ‘breaking up with me’ (again).

I was devastated and in shock. I couldn’t eat, think or sleep. Of course, at these times he was seeing other sources of supply. Then he would hoover and come back, and again I would capitulate and believe the unbelievable and forgive the unforgivable.

That was until I finally said ‘Enough! No more!’ and healed my Inner Being regarding her terrors of abandonment, and then I lost all pulls and addiction to him and was able to let go fully, break all psychic ties with him and never experience that again.

In stark contrast, my partner now Brad is as solid as a rock. He never wishes to abandon me – that pattern is gone in my life and I promise you my new improved self would never tolerate it again!

So, maybe your deep unhealed traumas that are playing out here are about being replaced by another, or deemed insignificant, or overlooked, or deserted or fearing abandonment like mine … Whatever they are, they will keep coming at you until you heal them and clean them up.

If you know it is high time for you to finally get the bottom of why you are tolerating this or pining for someone who has cruelly discarded you – hoping they will return – there is a way out of this nightmare. And I would dearly love to show you how with my 16-day free course, which includes an invitation to a healing workshop with me, a set of eBooks and lots more. 

Also, I have an upcoming Facebook Live event this week, where I adore connecting with you to help answer any questions you may have about Narcissistic Abuse Recovery. I’d love you to join in CTA

So until next time … keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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51 Thoughts on Why Do Narcissists Vanish And Do They Ever Come Back?
  • johnstontwelve@gmail.com'
    jill
    June 1, 2018

    I have a question (s) about this…

    “So, maybe your deep unhealed traumas that are playing out here are about being replaced by another, or deemed insignificant, or overlooked, or deserted or fearing abandonment like mine … Whatever they are, they will keep coming at you until you heal them and clean them up.”

    I feel like this describes the reverse of the situation with the narcissist I deal with, not as far as how I feel, but how he behaves.

    I maintain extremely low contact with him regarding our remaining minor children. So limited in fact, he recently filed another case within the court system requiring me to increase my communication with him. I utilize “gray rock” technique, communicate with facts only, no emotion, (the court denied my request for Our Family Wizard), only communicate via email as I had blocked him from my phone and texting apps. Have not had an actual face to face conversation with him in 6 years. Am working through the NARP modules, however, continue to find the most relief from Module 1. Do believe I am healing my inner wounds and traumas.

    I feel like the more I move away from his energy toward healing, the more he presses for engagement to fill his supply and significance. So much so, as I stated, he filed with the court with the sole intention of forcing me to engage with him. As if his unhealed trauma, feelings of insignificance, being overlooked, replaced, abandoned are playing out in a way they are being projected onto to me for resolution, versus my own trauma causing me to feel this way. (Not sure I was able to state that clearly) Almost as if, as my traumas are being healed, the roles have reversed, and all I really, really want is for him to desert me… like completely, totally, permanently.

    Perhaps I am needing guidance on which module would be the most beneficial, or an idea of what to specifically target to load up for release.

    Thank you

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 1, 2018

      Hi Jill,

      Please know the psychic connections and continuations in our life can be any form of toxic tie.

      Such as being held as responsible for others, having people infiltrate our boundaries, trying to control our lives. It doesn’t have to be about fears of being detached from … it could be traumas to do with unhealthy enmeshments.

      The bottom line is, our toxic ties are always emerging as ‘what triggers me and hurts or frustrates me right now’ and tracking that through our body with the Modules and shifting it.

      That’s what is important to work on.

      Also please know there is invaluable free coaching and support in the NARP Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member with Gold NARP to help support you through this next breakthrough.

      Does that help?

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

    • a.garritsen@live.nl'
      Anne-Marie Garritsen
      June 4, 2018

      Hi Jill, maybe my conclusion after 55 NPD people terror, (from NPD/alcoholic mother and OCPD father to a cult) helps you to keep your feet on the ground during your healing proces. In short theory: I was raised by 2 emotional abusive parents (I was the ‘lost’, ‘invisible’ parentified daughter, I have 6 siblings, some golden child, 1 scapegoat, 2 NPD etc) My trauma’s/ wounds, missing skills and not developped self-esteem (to protect myself) made me a hugh target for narcs. I became a people pleaser, had no clue how to deal with stress, emotions etc. I did know I had a problem to say no to people. Result: I could not protect myself like healty people automatically do because…..I had not learned to put BOUNDARIES
      In every way! People with wounds are wide open nah? Believe me…put ferm boundaries, say no, and gone are narcs because you wounded them. They only come back if your boundaries are open so they smell suply. In order to heal you must cut him completly out of your life! Toxic people do not engage with healty people because there’s a border. They have no superpowers. And: nobody can force you to do what you don’t want!
      They only can take what you give away. Good luck!

  • nicopopliceanu@yahoo.com'
    Nicoleta
    June 1, 2018

    Hi Melanie,
    Great episode. Thank you!

  • vickiwidrick@icloud.com'
    Vicki
    June 1, 2018

    Dear Melanie,

    Thank you, I can’t believe how well you described my devastion and touched on my life. I was married 21 years when this past June my now, ex husband just walked out sending me a text message that he was moving out while I was at work. When I got home he had emptied out our home leaving me with nothing. I worked two jobs to support us and I am 58 years old. He had not worked in years (sore back). And is only 44 years old. He had already emptied our bank account, took his name off all our bills, changed his addresss to his mothers etc. by the time I knew he was gone, it was too late. I have spent this last year begging, pleading to fix whatever he wanted me too but it has been a year of mind games. I found out he was using the money I made to pay for women services among other things. I have grown children of my own and he was trying to have sex with my grown daughter and my daughter in-law. My children gave me all the proof they had. Our divorce is final now. He lives with his mother, has no Bills, no debts and just lives life worry free. While I am struggling to survive in so many ways. I am so devastated that the pain just won’t stop. I don’t know how to let go of my love for the man I thought I was married too. I don’t know how o keep putting one foot in front of the other or who I really am. You are the only person that I can listen to that understands. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 1, 2018

      Awww gosh Vicki,

      My heart goes out to you Dear Lady. It is agonising sweetheart when we discover that the person we loved and who we wanted to love us was literally a narcissist.

      Please know this is the hardest journey of all, but the one as humans so many if us need to do after narcissistic abuse.

      Is stop trying to assign our loveableness and worth into others and finally, finally turn inwards to heal the reasons why we haven’t been a source of our own love to ourselves.

      That is the only true journey back to love, or we are simply stuck in the terrible patterns of continuing to receive people who reflect our unhealed childhood wounds and more of our own love disconnection with ourselves.

      Our inner being is not waiting Vicki for someone else to put this right … she is waiting for ourselves to be the adult who loves her back to health and grants her what she didn’t receive as a child, so that she can heal and grow up as a self-loving self-worthy woman who chooses and generates situations and people who are a match for net truth and values.

      How much pain do we need before we turn to the only place out of this … within …? As much as it takes. For me it was rock bottom, and maybe that is the turning point for you too.

      Vicki please hold my hand and come into my free webinar to start connecting to the true work to heal http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse so that you really can change you inner love programming forever.

      Also I’d love you to hear me share with you information about Dot, who healed her life from total love despair and pain in her 70s.

      I know this may help grant you some hope and the healing in this event .. some much needed relief and support.

      Sending strength, love and breakthrough to you.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • lindacohen6115@gmail.com'
    Linda
    June 1, 2018

    Check, check, yup and yup. All of it as you described Melanie, I lived it too. OMG, 2 years ago, I had no clue! I look back at that life and it not only feels like a lifetime away, but I also realize how much I’ve changed.

    Now, although it’s been 2 years, I am vigilant in blocking. No Contact. This means all social media as well. My ex narcs pattern has been to returned a few years later. It’s possible and I am not going to take that chance again.

    So much has changed and I thank you Melanie for helping me to recover and be on this wonderful journey of really partnering with myself.

    I’ve read something recently that said if you allow the narcissist to come back (whether it’s leaving a window open via social media or whatever), you have not healed your wounds. And this is a dangerous place to be because for the narcissist, it’s a perfect segway back into your life.

    Ahhhh…we all know better now don’t we? :-)) Thanks again Melanie for this very important message.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 1, 2018

      Hi Linda,

      That is great you are so determined and changing.

      To me life is always working ‘for’ Us and there are two things that can happen if the N shows up.

      1. We get to experience how benign and unimportant that feels in our body like ‘pfff I ignore this, and then don’t even think about it and get on with my amazing life’ (exciting confirmation of how far we have come) … or

      2. We are triggered, which has gloriously shown us what we can meet in our body, uplevelling with NARP Modules and claim as our next evolution of ourselves.

      It’s all awesome! Does that make sense?

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • barbcamino@hotmail.com'
    Barb Fraser
    June 1, 2018

    Hi Melanie,
    My ex (70 years old) has been having sex, some may say rape, with my narcissistic 95 year old mother who was lapping up the attention. So depending on who you talk to it was consensual or rape!? My mother took his side during our divorce. I was the one who did her laundry, took care of her, etc. Typical I realize, but I have known about my mother for years. I didn’t figure out husband number 3 until we were divorcing because he was so smooth about it that I didn’t see through his games. ( His first wife ended up in an institution for mental instability soon after they parted and died there 2 years ago.) My mother ended up with a broken pelvis one month after I found out and died one month later. Her funeral is this coming Monday. I laid a complaint with the police when I found out, but they have done nothing with it yet. It has been over 2 months now. I am emotionally exhausted. The nursing home she was living in denied it to be anything but consensual so they would not have any responsibility and even told him he was welcome to visit her anytime he chose even though they knew what was going on behind closed doors. I found out with a nanny cam I had in her room because she was complaining of people being mean to her. So what do I do. My brothers want me to let it go because of the toll it is taking on me. My kids want him strung up. My sister thinks I should keep my mouth shut and pretend it didn’t happen and it was just a fun frolic for Mom, even though she is now dead. Oh did I mention that sister is a minister and a narcissistic covert! I realize my soul lesson is to take care of myself and love myself and not feel that I have to care for others to be loved. I am worthy. I just don’t know what to do about the legal stuff. Is dropping it the way to go? He will have to have another supply and although he has another live-in I am wondering if he has a propensity for elderly women.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 1, 2018

      Oh Barb,

      Oh my gosh that is beyond horrific. I can’t even imagine the ways that would be traumatising for you.

      Barb to save yourself, yes, you have to let this go. You have so much of your healing to do not just regarding what he did to her, but all the trauma you went through with him and her as well – which is incredibly significant.

      That truly is the only way to your emancipation from all of it as well as your True Self and True Life.

      With N’s let Life/Source/Creation deal with them … our greatest mission and commitment is to our own inner being.

      It’s your time to truly heal Dear Lady.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • lindacohen6115@gmail.com'
    Linda
    June 1, 2018

    It completely makes sense Melanie! Thank you! I am getting there!!! xox

  • claytonruth@rocketmail.com'
    Grace
    June 1, 2018

    I have a question. Last time I was with ‘him’ i told him he was the most manipulative person I have met. I told him a few other things as well. That was a year and a half ago. I have blocked him on my phone, but I did see him parked on the street as he was dropping off his son to his mom, and he just stared at me from his car. We did not exchange a word, but he was glaring, with those dead eyes. I was waiting at a bus stop, and walked into the bus shelter and ignored him. He turned his car around and drove off. There are times when I still feel he is trying to communicate psychically with me. and where the obsessive thoughts start to run in my head. Do you believe narcissists can drain us even when no contact, or is it all in my head? I am doing a lot of work on detaching every time the thoughts come back, but I can’t help but wonder if the thoughts are a psychic communication…sounds crazy, but he once said to me, that he was trying to talk to me through telepathy, and he was reading a book on mind control that he planted in his room, knowing I would see it. I don’t need to figure him out, but I think no matter what the answer, the point is I need to detach. It was without question, a deep twin flame relationship that I had. Narp has helped so very much as well, when the thoughts come back, or when I feel almost like he is thinking about me, or trying to invade my psychic space…like a psychic hoover. I would appreciate any insight you may have, as i don’t understand why this is still happening. Thank you so much.

  • jaceyjo2163@gmail.com'
    Jacey
    June 1, 2018

    This is everything I lived with on and off for nearly a decade! I found your blog almost 5 years ago now. I purchased your meditations and begun my journey back to myself. After all my constant researching on how I had gotten myself in a very abusive situation and how to get out I finally found your blog. Your blog was the first that gave me insight, hope that there was a light at the end of the tunnel, validated my experiences one blogpost at a time. I can honestly say I still read them all. I now have a strong relationship with myself and all of my relationships have shifted. I no longer allow myself to be manipulated or confused. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your work. It literally saved my life and put me on my truest path. You are a light. . reading these still feels like reading my exact story always and reminds me to be thankful that is all behind me now. Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 1, 2018

      Awwww Jacey,

      You are so welcome and I am thrilled for you that you have broken through.

      Bless!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • johnleroy2928@gmail.com'
    DMJ
    June 1, 2018

    Melanie,
    This is spot on! Invaluable reminder.
    Are you familiar with Joel Osteen? I was listening to his message this past Sunday and his message was about recognizing our value. It so deeply aligns with you messages of self-partnering. He mentioned how we so often assign our value to things outside of ourselves…. our jobs, net worth, cars, homes, accomplishments and the way other people treat us. He emphasized that how someone else treats us has nothing to do with our value, that we are valued regardless of what others do. That we should turn within and to our creator for our value because when we give our worth over to others we feel great only as long as they are wonderful to us, but when they turn on us then they turn and walk away with our self worth if we allow them to. Then people are stuck in the pattern of trying to find someone else to give them worth or to define who they are. What you are doing is so important. Our society is so invested in externals that there are not many people out there encouraging us to seek wholeness within, yet it’s the most powerful thing we can do. I was also thinking today about inertia and what causes stagnation in our lives and our choices. For me it was based in a childhood fear of rocking the boat, fear of displeasing my parents, fear of abandonment, punishment, rejection for not obeying. This creates an adult afraid to make a decision on their own, afraid to make a mistake and, sadly, looking to others to define us. Learning to trust ourselves and our creator, and life in general might just be the only lesson of life. What if our only purpose in life is to learn to love ourselves?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 1, 2018

      Hi DMJ,

      No I am no familiar with Joel, but I love that there are many messengers on our planet aligned in the same truth!

      At the Quantum level there is only The One expressing itself as individual parts.

      It all must start with love of self to be a force of love.

      It is wonderful that you are coming home to this truth.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • rjt1055@hotmail.com'
    Rhonda
    June 1, 2018

    Thank you Melanie for the amazing work you do to educate and assist those ready to heal their lives from narc abuse. Each wonderful piece you do always leads back to us, to our very necessary inner work, in such a positive and encouraging way. I’ve been away from the exN since 10/31/15, divorced just short of two years. He is a diagnosed covert charmer, but quite violent behind closed doors. I did 30 days in rehab for trauma and codependence and your teachings are amazingly similar to what I learned. There IS life after narcissistic abuse. It takes a willingness to look within and find those unhealed traumas from childhood, or that cycle will just continue over and over and over again. We really can turn the devastating agony of these train wreck “relationships” into launch pads of learning – and it all starts with going within. Thank you so much – I wish you continued success as you teach the way to others!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 1, 2018

      Hi Rhonda,

      You are so welcome and I am so pleased my work resonates with you!

      I love that you went within and claimed your healing.

      You are so welcome and please keep being a force of inspiration to help others also break free from victimisation.

      Our world needs this so much.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • trombone.robinson@gmail.com'
    Carl
    June 1, 2018

    Thank you Melanie for this episode, have watched all the videos which were so informative but this one really hit home, this is exactly how my wife has behaved over the last 6 years, the only thing now having been forced out my home, living in my car and sometimes with my ill Mother, I now understand why, Just wish more people in the UK health industry knew about this epidemic, I’ve got along way to go yet but I will get there, Thank you again from the bottom of my heart.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 1, 2018

      Hi Carl,

      You are most welcome and I’m so pleased this helped.

      Wishing you wonderful healing.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • katkin277@gmail.com'
    EmmaS
    June 1, 2018

    Melanie
    I really appreciate your information. I have found people around here, some friends, Police, Anti Social agency don’t understand narcisist behaviour or abuse. I am lucky I have family who have run into these types at work and know how to deal with them. Family and friends support has been invaluable, the same message you portray. I really appreciate there are people out there that get it and know what to do. The thing is my situation is not one of a personal relationship, the narc in my life moved in next door and ever since the day he moved in, I seem to be his target. He doesn’t know me, I have never even had a conversation with him. He has been abusive straight off. He has done and threatened so many times re myself, my property, our dog (who is a non barker, non digger, clean and tidy, completely contained on our property and mostly indoors with us, so there has been no reason for him to threaten him. Our house and garden I keep well maintained. I believe because his parents own his townhouse, he resents me owning mine ! He seems to always be trying to find ways to get to me, as if its his hobby? He tries parking his car to block my access into my home, he has been putting rubbish in my recycle bin after its been emptied and still on the street, he has been coming onto my property sometimes leaving a sign he has been there, banging on my windows and doors when he was drunk, desamating my small privacy trees between us on the fence line when I was out – throwing all the rubbish on my side of the fence, thowing leaves / rubbish / old crispy dead rat bodies he found at his place over the fence between us – I found them on my paving when the night before they weren’t there. He engages often in talking loudly to any rare visitors (who only seem to visit just the once), I hear him telling them false things about me. He has noisey vehicles back up outside my town house running their engine waiting for him to open his gate, always asking only acquaintances who owned large SUV’s so when they back in, the opening of their door bangs on my kitchen garden window. He had a speight of honking his car horn every day when he returned home as he passed our house. He gets drunk often, runs about outside yelling at the top of his voice obsenities, damaging the plants in the garden I tend to and keep tidy in the driveway. We have loud stereo noise, abuse as he walks past me in the driveway, he has tried to run me over in the driveway more than once and on the road when I was driving my car. He has treid to engage all of his speight of girlfriends in his behaviour towards me (confusing them with why he wants them to do this). The girlfriends have all been torchered into engaging in yelling and screaming matches with him when outside at the top of their voices often. He abuses the girlfriends too. I have seen his physical abuse towards his poor dog (I phoned RSPCA) they did nothing. He uses his primary school age child from a previous relationship – in his abuse towards me etc etc etc. I have been employing ignoring him completely and keeping out of his way for the longest time even though he is always trying to find a way to annoy me and engage me in a yelling match with him. I don’t ever, I never have been someone who yells, but he keeps on regardless. I am older than his parents so would expect he is not interested in me. Since I have kept out of his way, his girlfriend gets more of the abuse. I am not sure why she hasn’t worked him out yet and said no more and moved on for her own sake, she does have another place to live and friends. I have noticed he is incapable of living alone, he seems to thrive on abuse as his hobby and has split with this girlfriend many times only to have her return. I don’t understand why the girlfriends would think his abuse of me acceptable as they know I do nothing to have this abuse happen to me? All of his girlfriends receive narc abuse like me and when they move on there is always another he finds to take their place but the abuse towards me never stops. I have lived here 20 plus years and there are reasons why moving house is not an option aside from the fact I have this place future proofed and very comfortable. I engage in not being his narc snack but things continue. While much of your info. is helpful regardless of the relationship, this situation has some unique issues and I am wondering if there is anything else I can employ to make life less interfered with from narc abuse? A friend recently told me to just go about my life and call the Police if he threatens me as the Police have to act but I don’t wish to put myself up for being a snack again. Any help very Much appreciated EmmaS.

    • mallen22@hotmail.com'
      Megan Allen
      June 2, 2018

      Get your property on video. If they don’t believe your words – they will believe what they see and hear in a recorded video.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 2, 2018

      Hi EmmaS,

      Awww goodness this man truly is the neighbour from hell.

      I wrote about a similar case in my upcoming book, about a lady and her children terrorised by an abusive narcissistic neighbour.

      She uplevelled all fear of him with NARP and went about her business and life fearlessly – as your friend suggested.

      He unravelled and abused, and there just happened to be witnesses there (so within so without) she got him charged and an intervention order on him. And that was the end of it.

      The growth in this ladies and her children’s life and confidence was powerful – and she was incredibly aware from that time on how previously she had never felt free to be her true confident self no matter what others are or aren’t doing.

      Everyone without exception is an AID (Angel In Disguise) pushing us to be our next highest and freest version of self.

      I know this is brutal but I truly do believe that when we heal the fear and rise that these people become powerless.

      I hope this can help.

      Sending your strength, power and courage.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • siddiqa37@yahoo.com'
    siddiqa chowdhury
    June 1, 2018

    Melanie thanks once again for the insight!

    My ex covert narcissist whom I cut loose totally has been playing his games between his ex wife and current wife and several other women simultaneously. He has been trying his luck with me which makes me laugh.

    But I will never let him back into my life again. He did not come alone he brought many other abusers into my life to abuse and deemean me. I have cleaned myself of all these people.

    Now I would like to form healthy relationship with someone who is a healthy person, but do not know how to. If you have any tips, please let me know.

    Many thanks!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 2, 2018

      Hi Siddiqa,

      It’s my pleasure, that is wonderful that you are not going to allow him back in.

      Dear Lady it’s the inner healing, that essential devotion and cleaning up of the past patterns in our subconscious that gets us there. That is exactly what the Thriver Way to Heal is about.

      I’d love you to consider checking out my free inner transformational healing resources http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • mallen22@hotmail.com'
    Megan Allen
    June 2, 2018

    It seems like the narcissist also has a fear of abandonment. They are never without supply. They abandon people first to avoid being abandoned. And they abandon people often to let them know that they don’t need them and could abandon them anytime. I see how this matches with codependence. Codependent people have the same underlying fear, so we stick around because being abandoned, especially in times of need, can feel like the only inevitable outcome. This is because we abandon ourselves at these times through blaming and shaming. It doesn’t make their behaviour correct in any way or let them off the hook.

    It just means that our fears are running like twin programs in the dark of our subconscious. And that might be why it feels so right. It’s a mirror of how we feel deep down, but cannot seem to bring to the surface. They are showing us our fears that we don’t want to acknowledge – in our faces – and they are still “fine” so this must be the person that can show us how to be ok even though we have these giant fears tugging at us. It would appear that not abandoning ourselves in times of insecurity or times when we know we have been weak might be the strength we need.

  • planetclaire3@gmail.com'
    Claire Newcombe-Jakeman
    June 2, 2018

    Oh boy this video was really spot on so thank you Melanie. I feel almost like my story is soo old by now but I am determined to get over my PTSD which has been affecting my ability to work and earn a living for myself these last three years since my Narc walked out. He did the classic picking a fight after our return from introducing me to his family in Canada over christmas holidays. He had not had a christmas back there with them in 30 years. In retrospect I realised that it was all a set up to make him look like he had become the good guy, the blue eyed boy in his mothers eyes, only to provoke a fight in which I totally exploded, having had absolutely enough of his abuse over our 4 years, which he then used as the reason for why her ran straight back to them. Clearly he had decided that prospects were better back home than making the effort to carry out our plans to build our own home in South Africa. The shock of his abrupt tactics sent me reeling into nightmares and daily paralysis from the trauma.
    I struggled on my own trying to understand, joined a support group which just frustrated me because the lack of understanding and all the professionals seemed to recommend was medication which I was totally against. All the while the Narc kept contact with me through whatsapp keeping me locked into “hope” that things could be worked out. How naive I was and soo maliable in his hands. Even the attorneys keep stringing the process out draining my funds away until a guardian angel stepped in and did my divorce for me very fast and with minimal cost. Bless her. Once that was done I guess it was a nail in the coffin which gave him a clear message and he has now finally moved onto another source I’m sure.
    I am not sure how I came upon Narp, brain fog hinders my memory, but if it hadn’t been for Melanie and her clear and concise descriptions of the Narcissistic personality and our own woundedness that is so alluring to them, I wouldn’t have survived as not even my family understood or were supportive. So thank you thank you Melanie for this work you do for all of us. Xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 2, 2018

      Hi Claire,

      Awww sweetheart I am so pleased you are coming out if the fog and that you are working with NARP.

      It is your time to heal and shine Dear Lady.

      Sending love, healing and breakthrough.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • bobbiepoole@icloud.com'
    Bobbie Poole
    June 2, 2018

    I am one year out of a 16 yr relationship with a narc monster. I have read hundreds of articles and spent months absorbing as much info as possible to help me heal.. This particular article is the most spot on , accurate explanation I have read. Only a person that has been thru this type of abuse could so accurately describe what hell we go thru. You so accurately described my situation that it felt like I was reading my own story. Thank you! I will continue to follow you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 2, 2018

      Hi Bobbie,

      You are very welcome and I’m glad this can help.

      Please know healing from narcissistic abuse is not a logical head level thing. Information – even all there is to learn – does not grant us relief and true emancipation from this.

      Only the inner transformational work does.

      I invite you to check out how to heal for real from this: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • caroline@novohomes.com.au'
    CC
    June 2, 2018

    Hi Melanie
    Thank you! Your work has saved me. I have been doing NARP for more than a year now and I feel like I am a different person because of it. I still have work to do of course, but I feel so different.
    The one thing I would say to everyone experiencing this – you must start the NARP program as soon as possible, otherwise you will just be continually repeating the same stories which also keep us stuck as victims. The relief you get from doing the NARP program is nothing short of amazing.
    I think before NARP we are trying to work things out on a conscious level, trying to make others see the injustices. I have learned that this is futile. The only person to heal is ourselves, that is where the freedom is. I still have a lot of work to do but I know how I feel so far and I know that it’s in my power to continue to heal to free myself.
    I wish you all healing and freedom x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 2, 2018

      Hi CC,

      I am so thrilled for you that NARP has helped you heal so much.

      Thank you for inspiring others. I so agree that when we do the inner work this way and start getting relief and freedom powerfully we wonder why we didn’t start it earlier!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • rowenascotney@btinternet.com'
    Rowena
    June 3, 2018

    Thank you Mel, this was such a destructive phase for me and left me so ill and feeling like a ‘clinging limpet’ desperate for crumbs, of anything…I can hardly believe it now, i was on the floor, like a scuffed, worn-out doormat :(. I have so much compassion for that ‘4 years younger me’ now, and for all others who experience this.

    The calculating cruelty of it, his utter control – and I gave it, like a puppet. He could do anything and I blamed myself…leaving me and my son many many times, not answering the phone, for days…then weeks…then suddenly showing up and me being grateful! But never Ever willing to talk/discuss, i would be punished if i suggested we needed to. Each discard became worse and worse…he had a house still of his own and didn’t properly live with me and my son, even though we were married…he never actually moved in. I struggled with bills, work…

    It was all such an awful nightmare but it’s true, it was needed for it all to come to an end. And so true that it was when the ‘polish’ wore off, when i dared to have different opinions, like things a certain way, disagree with him, that suddenly i was far from good enough and his mask started to slip. (Also now my son was a little older and didn’t like, i.e, Formula 1 racing, he liked quieter things…played with his toys in the front room (‘What a F***ing mess! I’ve just come in and have to see this??!!’ he’d say)…and the male chauvinism/homophobia became very apparent too. I noticed too, physically how he changed, his face, such cruelty, so ugly….and frightening. But also such a little boy in a rage, too. Such a saving grace that my beautiful son did not spend ANY longer with him as a male role model…and with me :((( as such a powerless, ill, sad mum.

    I found the stonewalling so so shattering and negating of who I was, undeserving of interest, a voice, completely unloved, unvalued, worthless…worse than a piece of dirt on his boot.

    I’m so thankful that this turned around and so grateful to narcissist abuse information on the internet that i came across, after frantically typing in/trying to make sense of things, and for wonderful experts like you.

    I think this phase, how it affected me so much, all it brought up, has helped so much with knowing what to focus on with the NARP work.

    xrowena

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 3, 2018

      Hi Rowena,

      It’s my pleasure. You have described that phase perfectly. I concur that is exactly what it is like and we do of course have incredible compassion for those, like us, who have been through this.

      I am so pleased Dear Lady that you are working with the inner healing with NARP.

      Sending so much love and blessings to you and your son.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • mahoneyreport@aol.com'
    Jeannie Mahoney
    June 3, 2018

    Hello Melanie,

    This excellent video is spot on. The cycle of desertion is exactly what I experienced. Almost every week, he found a reason to leave me, disappear for a week or two, then come back as if nothing happened. When I confronted him with his behavior, his response was that he’s the kind who needs space. This went on for 15 months, until I put an end to the relationship. Thanks to Quantum Healing courses, I’ve successfully maintained NO CONTACT with my ex for several months now.

    I hope you can help me understand an emotional conundrum. I worked very hard with your video on Freeing Yourself Through Forgiveness, and now, I find myself no longer angry, but also missing him a lot. It’s confusing, because I thought I was letting it all go through forgiveness, but my feelings seem to have returned as my heart has become softer. He recently suffered a heart attack and the first thing he did as he was wheeled into surgery for a valve transplant was to tell his sister to contact me. She did and I cried for hours, but I steadfastly remained on no contact. Gosh Melanie, when do these painful feelings go away, or do they ever?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 3, 2018

      Hi Jeannie,

      That is wonderful that you are doing the inner work and have come so far.

      Your solution is about going to those feelings directly in your body and loading them up with Module 1 or clearing them with the Goal Setting Module to go free of them.

      Module 6 in NARP is also very powerful in finding and releasing exactly what you are feeling st this moment.

      Are you in the NARP Forum getting free coaching with a gold membership
      To help at any time when you feel you stumble?

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      That help will be invaluable for you to really learn how to apply NARP to clear out all and every disempowering emotion you feel in order to make your journey to freedom as direct and painless as possible.

      I so hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Rippdogco@yahoo.com'
    Mary
    June 4, 2018

    Thanks Melanie,
    This was another great talk. I so appreciate you bringing your skills to all of us. I have been away from my last narcissist for 5 plus years now. But, to get out of that realationship I had a friend that I suppected was also a narcissist. So I thought she new how they thought and behaved and would be great to use her to help me mentally. I new she wasn’t a covert narcissist like him. But what I realized today is she is possibly the altruistic narc. How I came to this realization was that when I told her recently I was going to heal my inter childhood traumas through a program, she started yelling and screaming that “you can’t, that’s impossible”, and on and on. I thought it was strange, and I just dropped the discussion. There were other things she has said and had happened with her family that was also off I felt. She could be as helpful as you want her to be. Talking, discussing, guiding all times of the day, sending info on cures, topics, and she would get upset if I didn’t contact her, so I really thought at times she had empathy. She could act very sweet, submissive, caring which kept throwing me off for a narcissist personality. So, what I now realize is I went from one narcissist to support from another narcissist! I guess I was keeping my narcissist around me! Thank you for you great NARP program and how I am healing fully! Keep up the great work Melanie.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 4, 2018

      Hi Mary,

      You are very welcome Dear Lady.

      No matter how fascinating or even helpful a narcissist may be, life is so much cleaner and healthier without them.

      Wishing you continued breakthroughs and freedom with NARP.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • anna_elina@luukku.com'
    Anna
    June 4, 2018

    Hi Melanie,
    My deepest fear was also to become abandoned. The n ex threatened to abandon me many time plus many times did abandon me. I have done narp but needed some more personal support and worked with a psychic/energetic healer. We were able to uncover, that when I was 4 years old and left to day care for the first time in my life, apparently it has been very traumatising for me. Now I’m 42 and from adults perspective, it was no big deal. But for the child me, I was left alone (which of course was not true, professional nannies were taking care of me). Also, I realised that as children, we don’t have perception of time. My mom left me there maybe 2-3 hours but for me it must have felt like an eternity, even feeling fear will she ever come to pick me home again. I also realised something important about this “inner child work”, I can’t just “decide” and say to a child: now I decide you are not scared anymore. It’s mind-boggling for me to realise, all my life I have been walking around as 4 years old, in adults body and entering into relationships as a “4 year old”. I have tried to do this work “intellectually” before…no, it doesn’t work 🙂
    This session was truly sweet, I think for the first time ever I got the “feeling” of the traumatised child me. Which was an easy prey for the n for sure 🙁
    But now, I’m so much more stronger. Bye bye n, this time it is me who has abandoned him for good!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 4, 2018

      Hi Anna,

      It is so true that it was the emotional perception to events that create our ingrained inner beliefs which then play out to the letter.

      If the emotional energy was great then logic is not enough to overcome it and can even make it worse, by trying to force our inner child to give up the painful belief s/he holds onto trying to protect oneself.

      This is what NARP is designed to do, find and release the traumas and painful beliefs and release them so that we go free from them. However it is great that you are seeking extra help if needed.

      Please also know with Gold NARP there is lifetime free access to coaching as to how to pinpoint and release any traumas in your body manifesting as less than life results.

      I highly suggest this to help also if you aren’t already in the Forum Anna http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Keep going Dear Lady you are truly getting to the truth of it and doing great.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • tilly.may@outlook.com'
    Tilly
    June 5, 2018

    Hi Mel,

    Thank you for yet again another illuminating blog post. I have been through narcissistic abuse and have the understanding of why people with ‘trauma’ end up attracting and re-enacting painful experiences based on the painful perceptions through life. My question is you have spoken about how trauma becomes an addiction and this is why we can’t disconnect from unhealthy sources and end up back in the arms of the narcissist or attract another abuser. How do we become addicted to trauma in our bodies – I am just a little lost as to what you are trying explain here? Forgive me I have no doubts in my mind that what you are saying is bullet proof right because I know in my own body that are speaking the truth but I am just lost with some concepts.

    Thanks
    Tilley

    • npdav911@gmail.com'
      Joanne
      June 5, 2018

      Hiya Tilley.

      This is something I have also pondered over.

      Although them thoughts were many moons ago now, I remeber being 19 and laying on a hospital bed after taking an overdose saying to the nurse ‘Am I addicted to him, I can’t let go, am I?’ she said ‘don’t be stupid young girl, you can’t be addicted to a person’.

      Or was I addicted to the trauma, to the adrenaline, to constantly living on the edge, being fearful,body clenched, feeling of extreme intensity.
      Or was I actually starting to come down from all these adrenaline highs, starting to feel normal (whatever that is) again, starting to feel safe..
      Was this such a shock to my body that I no longer had to be in flight or fight mode.

      Food for thought.
      J x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 6, 2018

      Hi Tilly,

      It’s my pleasure!

      This is a great question! If you google my name + addiction you will see my resources on this which go into deep explanation.

      Trauma bonding is another good phrase to pop in to get some answers as well.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 💕❤️💕

  • npdav911@gmail.com'
    Joanne
    June 5, 2018

    Hiya Melanie.

    I am new to you page. I find myself searching for answers, answers that I know I will never get from the man who claims to have loved me. I’ve known for a long time that he didn’t love me and never will because as you put it – narcissistic’s are incapable of love.
    I have for so long felt the need to look him in the face, to tell him all he has done to me, this shell of a person I used to be. You see I was just 17 when we got together, first proper relationship, I hadn’t the best of starts to life, I told him all my darkest secrets (All to be used against me and told to the people I love) but that’s what drew him to me. He could see my vunerablity, a girl who so desperately and naively longed for love, a family of her own, a protector. Then all the wrongs would be made right and we’d live happily ever after, which is everything he promised me and more. I know I can never ask him why? I have done and he has always turned it back on me, and I’am left with more questions I need answers to -muniplation at its finest! U will never get closure from them, only from the truth, the truth I have always held inside, even when he told me I was never good enough, I had a little voice in my head that would say ‘BULLSHIT, I know I am, this is not normal, this is not ok!’ However that was a truth I could not speak with him not only would he twist everything, he would be violent. I went from the girl full of opinions to a quiet little mouse, growing in to a women but yet still feeling like a little girl. Yet that’s the kind of women he wanted (so he said) a strong woman, an opinionated woman. Yet how are you to be outspoken when you are oppressed.
    But back to the topic – I no longer feel the need to tell him what he’s done to, he knows what he has done to me, he was there, they were his words and his hands that caused my suffering and he will NEVER take responsibility for that and I have accepted that.
    Everything you write resides with me, I googled do narcissist’s hate themselves, yet could not find the answer, until I found this page. I do believe the man I thought I loved resents himself, his inner self and everything he did to me was a reflection of himself.
    However, I do not hate him nor do I pity him. I have no energy to even entertain the idea.
    Hate in your heart will destroy yourself and I know I am a kind person, a gentle person, who will never be capable such evilness.
    I’m not one who believes in god but I do believe this is the wickedness the Bible speaks off when they take about demons. To me he is a monster, not an misunderstood individual, there’s no reason or excuse to ever treat someone with such brutality.
    So here’s to finding your page and the path to healing and self discovery. As the years go by, with truth and time we heal.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 6, 2018

      Hi Joanne,

      That’s so great that my work resonates with you and that you are feeling some hope.

      All those feeling, thoughts and urges that you are feeling are such a normal part of Narcissistic Abuse symptoms.

      My Thriver Way is all about turning inwards to get our healing, relief and powerful resolutions and closures.

      My deepest wish for all of this is that we emerge from this healed and Thriving. Have you signed up to my free resources yet? I invite you start that journey back to wholeness http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Sending blessings and breakthroughs.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • parkersm71@gmail.com'
    Shannon
    June 19, 2018

    I realized today after being gone and hiding for just over a month from him, that I had essentially fallen in love with myself. He mirrored me. I never loved myself very much and sometimes not at all. However, I did not fall in love with him in the 3 years we were together. It was me all along. I needed to heal that within me. I am doing better today and I am looking forward to tomorrow. That’s different. I have a lot of work still left to do, but I’m so grateful I get to decide what I want, what I like and so on. I am unstoppable.

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