Melanie Tonia Evans

3 Counter-Intuitive Steps To Speed Up Your Narcissistic Abuse Recovery

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 12
25
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

I believe, sadly, that much of what we are told about how to heal doesn’t help us.

Previously, in my own journey with healing from narcissistic abuse, when I thought I had found ‘the way’ and did what other people advised me to do, I experienced coming up empty over and over again.

The things I was doing sometimes brought some temporary relief, yet the horrible trauma of feeling like the narcissist was crawling under my skin as well as the haunting obsessions and fear of surviving the trauma and creating a new future, kept coming at me relentlessly – and just didn’t stop.

I know so many of you, like I have felt, feel like you are failing.

Why can’t you just push through and get on with rebuilding your life?

And … so many people in your life may be losing patience with you, because they don’t understand why you aren’t get better.

I hear from so many of you, all the time, that you feel helpless, powerless and have so much despair regarding how you’re not healing from this – even sometimes after years and decades of being separated from the narcissist.

Which is why in today’s Thriver TV episode I want to talk to you about what I believe are the 3 most powerful steps to speed up your recovery from narcissistic abuse.

These steps are not what most people tell us to do … because they seem totally counterintuitive!

When I started applying these steps I was finally able to get well and evolve beyond narcissistic abuse in incredibly confident, whole, empowered and healthy ways … and I can’t wait to share this knowledge with you!

 

 

Episode Transcript

I really do believe that there is so much miscomprehension out there, about how to heal from narcissistic abuse, and often exactly the things that we are told to believe and do are precisely the things that keep us stuck in the state of not healing.

I discovered, as a result of the Thriver Way to heal, that the three things that are vital to healing are the most counterintuitive things – the things that we initially believed were not what would help us get better –  yet profoundly do.

In today’s Thriver episode I’m going to share with you these three things that you think won’t help you – yet are vital to grant you any hope of healing at all, and in fact, accelerate the success of your healing journey beyond description if you commit to them.

So, let’s gets started.

 

Number 1: Don’t try to push on past the pain

Law of Attraction principles are all about training ourselves to stop thinking negative thoughts so that we can start anchoring in more positive ways of thinking. I know that once upon a time I totally thought that this was key myself – that it’s a correct human quest to ‘not think about it’ and ‘just get on with it’ and that our negative emotions were something to be avoided at all costs. And after all, it was shameful to have negative emotions.

Somehow it made us defective, unpalatable and unacceptable. How could we even begin to accept our negative emotions when we have had the experience that other people can’t either?

Yet, we all suffered the realisation (because of narcissistic abuse) that our painful emotions couldn’t just be buried and pushed through. This was different. This time there was no more just ‘getting on with it’ and for most of us, clearly the strategy of just ‘get up and get on with it’ no longer worked.

Myself and so many others were faced with what Dr. Joe Dispenza calls a time of ‘personal catharsis’ – when we simply cannot emotionally go on with life as normal. This happens when we are taken down to our knees.

I love what my dear friend Simone Waddell said to me over lunch last week, ‘Knowledge is not the answer.’ She discussed with me that we all know what we should be doing and logically we know what right action is and even what we may need to feel better! Yet narcissistic abuse is a spiritual malady. This is not something you can just ‘push through,’ it is something that needs to be cellularly addressed and ‘healed through,’ because it is our entire spirit that has been affected.

The truth is contemporarily most people don’t recover from narcissistic abuse, at best they try to manage and live with their ongoing trauma, and the reasons are because they believe they should just be able to push past the pain or find a way to shut it up.

They stay firm in this thinking that to go toward the pain is the wrong thing to do, believing it will mire them in it, make them worse and render them as a victim. Yet the experience is that the pain and the obsession do not decrease. And often the feelings of the narcissist crawling under your skin like a terrible psychic disease doesn’t stop either.

People will tell you to get over it and get on with your life, because that is what they were taught to do so, and unless they had been narcissistically abused themselves they could not possibly understand how virtually impossible that is to do. As Bessel Van Der Kolk states in his book, The Body Keeps The Score: ‘the more intense the visceral, sensory input from the emotional brain, the less capacity the rational brain has to put a damper on it.’

And until we realise that to resolve our trauma – if we don’t go within we go without – we feel like a failure. Our helplessness and the anxiety and depression we suffer worsens as we can’t improve our feelings or our life no matter how hard we try to think our way out of it. We feel exhausted, and like we are fighting a losing battle. This is where many people give up because it is too hard to push through unspeakable inner trauma, which like all trauma is just not going away.

What neurological and quantum scientists are now discovering and teaching, is that very few people can resolve emotional trauma with logic. And that trauma has a life of its own until it’s met and healed.

I am so happy to say that for myself and others who did turn inwards to love and heal ourselves back to wholeness, not only did we free ourselves of the terrible unliveable holocaust of narcissistic abuse trauma, we also evolved the fears and insecurities that we had unconsciously been living with all our life as our ‘normal’.

Fully meeting our wounds with Quantum Tools with the loving devotion of a mother tending to her young, allowed us to fully self-partner and trust, love and accept ourselves. It granted us the experience of ‘coming home’ to full inner peace and fullness.

It granted us the ability to finally understand the Quantum truth of ‘so within so without’ – that love must happen between self and self-first, and that no one is going to be there for us unconditionally until we turn inwards to fully be with ourselves wounds and all – discovering that these are not the times to treat ourselves with self-avoidance, abandonment and rejection, but with love instead.

Narcissistic abuse forces us to learn this soul lesson and to embody it and rise as phoenixes from the ashes as a result of it. I’m passionate about this.

I want that emancipation and true soul freedom for everyone.

 

Number 2:  Stop trying to combat the narcissist to feel better

We are taught to turn towards the source of the issues and try to make that person or people change or stop what they are doing. In our normal life, before the huge Quantum spiritual lessons of narcissistic abuse that requires us to understand deeper consciousness to get free and get well, to some extent confronting people and things may have worked for us.

People with a conscience can be sorry and apologetic, and their natural inclination is not to hurt people. Narcissists are like our children and difficult people in our life. The more we push against something they do, the more they push back and up the ante.

These people are all nemeses, people who bring us pain. The dictionary describes a nemesis as ‘the inescapable agent of someone’s or something’s downfall.’ Yet this is how I now look at these people – as breaking down our previous way of being to enable us to have an incredible inner breakthrough. There is no greater impetus to go for light than when we descend into darkness, and there is no greater reason to seek a Higher Power than when we are rendered completely powerless.

When we butt heads with a narcissist, we end up powerless. You can’t make crazy act sane. You can’t make someone cooperate when harmony and cooperation was never their goal. You will never get resolution with someone who gets a feed out of what they can mine from you and how significantly they can hook you and hurt you.

We get the urges to go in, again and again, to try to get decency, understanding, remorse, accountability, compassion, atonement, love, sentimentality or whatever it is we feel we need from this person. Yet you don’t receive this at all, instead they are circling you and emotionally slicing you to pieces.

As the resolution you require slips further and further away, and matters get worse and crueller and more devastating, the panic usually intensifies causing you to go back in harder, even though the evidence is clear that this isn’t working. It is our emotional drivers keeping us doing this, and unless we get control of them, they can take us all the way to our demise.

It is the most counterintuitive thing to do to let go, detach and no longer combat something or someone that is significantly hurting us. Yet with toxic people, and even those we can’t affect and change, there truly is nothing else to do.

There are two Quantum laws about this that are deep, cellular, inner organic wisdom that is innate when we start clearing the traumas within separating us from these truths. And please know this applies to really unhealthy people such as narcissists as well as people we are battling with, which can include people like our children – people who are not pathological and who we dearly care about, yet are not seeing eye to eye with.

The first is: if we are triggered into deep fears and wounds, and we try to change something or someone without to feel healthier within, then we will always come up empty. From a place of inner woundedness, we don’t inspire people to stand up, because we are not leading the way. We also don’t have the inner resources to feel sound and whole regardless if people don’t step up, as a true source to ourselves. We are not able to let go and generate our healthy full life without them, because we have handed our power away. We have made our life conditional on what this person is or isn’t doing. There is no time where this is the most brutally unsafe when we play this out with narcissists, just as there is no more devastating time when we see our children going down paths we don’t want them to go down when we feel powerless to stop them.

Quantum truth ‘so within so without’ is the psychology equivalent of co-dependency – meaning the more you try to control another to feel in control, the more you will be controlled by them and feel out of control.

Something is for sure, this state of self-deterioration is serious, and it can even be deadly. If we want to get well, we need to find another way.

The way out of this is totally counterintuitive. It is to detach from that person and situation and let go and turn inwards to partner with the triggered painful emotions inside you instead. This goes against everything we believe we should be doing, which previously was reacting to the outside and what is going on there. And the reason this feels totally counterintuitive is that we were not taught to turn inwards or how we can change our emotions independent of what is going on, on the outside.

When we do though, we can respond instead of reacting. We can lead by example. We can inspire people to meet us at a healthier level. We can lay clear boundaries. We can let go of people, and we can also allow people to make their own journeys that they need to even if we don’t agree with them. This goes for narcissists and our children. How can we do this? Because we are already whole regardless of what other people are or aren’t doing. We are having a relationship directly with our inner being and all of life.

No longer are we handing power away.

This is always our greatest mission in all of life – to master ourselves, not other people – because we have no power to nor do we have any right to master them. And then we discover something completely incredible. The people who do have the resources to be healthy, amend their behaviour and join us, inspired by our solid empowered self, and the people who don’t have the resources to be healthy – such as narcissists – leave our experience.

So within so without – when you attend to ‘emotion first’ you discover the golden grail of life that is an absolute Quantum Law – my outer experience follows my inner experience always.

No, let’s look at our last one …

 

Number 3: Stop identifying yourself as a victim

This may seem at first glance as totally counterintuitive to number 1, but it truly isn’t. In number 1 we were self-partnering with our wounds lovingly to heal them. If we are viewing ourselves as a victim – which is what we have been told by so many to do – we are cementing within ourselves that we are damaged and helpless and that someone else did this to us.

I promise you I know how enticing this is and even though it is necessary in the beginning to recognise that you have been a victim of narcissistic abuse, staying in this stage indefinitely, especially in the case of the high-level trauma of narcissistic abuse, does not do us any favours.

In my latest Facebook live event, a lady asked this very powerful question: ‘How do I resolve these feelings?’ She was, of course, referring to the unspeakable betrayals and cruelties that narcissists do. My honest answer was that on a human level you can’t resolve these feelings logically. How on earth can we when everything we know as humans cannot even comprehend how people think like this let alone unleash such unthinkable behaviour on people they profess to love?

I truly believe that the only way we can resolve narcissistic abuse is to look at a much higher spiritual picture about this. To look for the purpose and personal evolution in this. Interestingly when we do make it our mission to turn inwards and free ourselves from our inner traumas, what I am about to share with you becomes total inner knowing that feels like relief, freedom, and truth in our body.

It is this Quantum truth of so within, so without. This means that people and situations in our experience are reflecting back to us to show us how healed and integrated we are, or they are reflecting back to us that we are wounded and need to heal and integrate ourselves back to wholeness.

If we are determined to be a victim, we will see this as ‘victim shaming’ and I promise you I understand because I used to think this too. But it did not help me and there was no way for me to heal my inner wounds and emerge free of them if I was never going to acknowledge them.

When I started healing the Thriver Way with Quantum tools I discovered that Prema Chodren was right with her famous quote: ‘Nothing ever leaves your experience until it has taught you what you needed to learn.’

The trauma of narcissistic abuse is exactly like that – it is like a terminator that just does not stop until we heal what we need to heal. What I discovered are the ways that the narcissist hurt me were all to do with fears and insecurities and unresolved resentments I had always had. It was to do with my fears of criticism, rejection, abandonment and punishment stopping me speaking up and laying boundaries. It was about me not knowing how to be a source of love, approval, security, and survival to myself and trying to assign other people as this source. It was about my own conditional love and perfectionism and never being ‘good enough’ for my own love.

And when I realised he was really the messenger of my wounds and a catalyst to make my unconscious conscious so that I could finally heal these wounds, the narcissist become irrelevant.

When I believed I was a victim of narcissistic abuse, and that this was senseless and not a higher soul healing opportunity, my inner identity was totally a victim – in constant despair, resentment, longing for the fantasy I believed he was (as my source) and torment … and it just did not let up. It was impossible to heal beyond this, evolve or set myself free.

However, in my shift to a higher consciousness, I was able to achieve all of these things as well as being so grateful that I was brought to my knees (as my soul had so perfectly planned) to finally be able to start living my life in my power and truth from the inside out.

This would never have come about if I hadn’t been forced to self-partner and heal my wounds. Narcissistic abuse was exactly the catalyst to force me inwards to heal so that I could do that.

And that is the Thriver Way – recognise a bigger picture truth about all of this, and work with it at that level – because the truth truly does set us free.  I’ll never forget what one of my community members said years ago, this: ‘Thank goodness you have said there was a purpose to this. My therapist said to me this was just bad luck – it was a roll of the dice that could have happened to anyone. I didn’t want to believe that because how could I heal something if there wasn’t a purpose to it? How could I grow if it was random and senseless? How could I stop it ever happening again?’

I agree. Totally. We wouldn’t be able to! In the Thriver Way to heal we can do all of that and more. We can emerge trauma-free from what happened to us, becoming even more confident, radiant, empowered and extended than we ever were even before this happened to us – as well as completely inoculated against narcissists in the future!

So, I hope you enjoyed this video and if you’d like to learn more about how to heal for real from toxic relationships and narcissistic abuse you can sign up to my free 16-day recovery course, it includes an invitation to a healing workshop with me, a set of eBooks and lots more. To access these, just click the link on the top right of this video.

So, until next time… keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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25 Thoughts on 3 Counter-Intuitive Steps To Speed Up Your Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
  • nicopopliceanu@yahoo.com'
    Nicoleta
    May 24, 2018

    90% of my bfs were narcs, now I am dating a medical doctor. His parents are psychiatrists. This works.

  • Piglet8791@yahoo.com'
    Catherine
    May 24, 2018

    Thank you Mel! This video is EVERYTHING! The Terminator! Haha yes! You know this so well and it’s exactly what I needed as someone with so much trauma to shift she couldn’t figure out how it can possibly happen in her lifetime – even with another 30 years to live and modules every day. It really is about this spiritual understanding. Having the courage to let go and forgive. Healing the little person inside. Feeling the pain. And bringing in source. Your NARP program is the only way I am getting relief from a spiral that has been actually manifesting physical agony and mental fog on a daily basis. I’m supplementing NARP with a diet overhaul, some integrative life coaching, Dr Northrup books, Louise Hay forgiveness meditations, mirror work, yoga, daily affirmations, and re-dedicating myself to achieve ‘no contact’ once all the paperwork is done. No more guilt. Saying “I am worthy of my own high regard!” “I am no longer co-dependent, I am a thriver!” “I may have this history but this history is not me!” Thank you thank you thank you for this incredible video and your amazing work – there just aren’t enough words of gratitude for QFH and NARP!!! .

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 24, 2018

      Hi Catherine,

      Please know how welcome you are!

      I LOVE your level of dedication to your inner being.

      There is true self love right there!!!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • e@eboorman.com'
    ENPB
    May 24, 2018

    Your words encapsulate so well the whole experience and I know your approach to healing the only way. Especially how to push through the reluctance to meet your wounds due to the pain, which had been my stumbling block to overcome. This video has inspired renewed resolve to meet the wounds.

    Thank you.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 24, 2018

      Hi ENPB,

      That is so wonderful you feel inspired to meet and heal you!

      That is where the power is!

      Bless 😀

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • tuuliturtola@hotmail.com'
    T.
    May 26, 2018

    Hi Melanie!
    Before the n relationship and abuse, I worked as a tourist guide in my home city. After the n, I was mentally in such a bad condition, that for the past two years I have not been able to do this work. I am so happy to tell you, that today for the first time I was able to return to this work and guide tourists again! Aww, it made me emotional. There I was, bright, smart, in job uniform, smiling and most importantly, was able to present in the moment, present for these people. Just year ago, I was depressed and just wanted to kill myself, I nearly couldn’t leave the house and meet people. It was difficult to be “in my body”, difficult to be in life, I was in so much pain. So it was impossible that I would have been able to be with the tourists and fully focus in my work. I’m so happy I have got my life back!! I would not have been able to recover without you Melanie and this community…I would have sunken miserably like Titanic 🙁
    The n probably thinks he “won”…nope, no way! 🙂 Life wins, always! I will never be again a doormat and marionette like I was for him, and this is a promise! Yes, I have done lot of healing and will continue as long as it will be necessary!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 26, 2018

      Hi T,

      Congratulations that you have done the work and emerged.

      Life, truth and love wins sweetheart and you are a testament to that!

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • bola.odulate@gmail.com'
    Rania
    May 26, 2018

    Dear Melanie,

    Three months ago I escaped from Mars (an unfriendly, inhospitable place). Now I’m on a new journey of being able to take care of myself despite dealing with disabling illness alone.

    I actually welcome being on my own. My big question has been how to continue my Quanta Freedom Healing while at the same time handling overwhelming practical matters on limited stamina.

    I had just found a way to return to reading your posts regularly when this timely video showed up. It would really help me to make sure I understand what I’m moving towards in each of these three steps you’re suggesting. May I try out what I’m hearing on you?

    1. Don’t try to push on past the pain. Instead, use a resource like Quanta Freedom Healing (NARP, ES, TFOOW) to resolve the underlying spiritual/emotional trauma.

    2. Stop trying to combat the narcissists to feel better. Instead, focus on your inner healing which will allow you to choose appropriate responses to what is happening without, rather than reacting to painful emotions that have been triggered within.

    3. Stop identifying yourself as a victim of narcissistic abuse. Instead, look for a higher spiritual purpose for what is happening / has happened. (“Nothing ever leaves your experience until it has taught you what you needed to learn.” —Pema Chodron)

    So please tell me. Am I understanding your three steps in this post correctly??? I welcome any refinements you may feel my summaries need.

    Thank you and much love,
    Rania

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 26, 2018

      Hi Rania,

      You truly have understood these three points perfectly!

      I wish you incredible healing, happiness and breakthrough.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • bola.odulate@gmail.com'
        Rania
        June 1, 2018

        Gosh that’s lovely. Thank you Melanie. It’s funnny now to remember how concerned I was about understanding this correctly. I knew I was going to put some focus on this and it was so important to me not to go off in the wrong direction!

        Now I’m thinking, of course I understood… It seems so easy and straightforward now. But I think it’s actually the result of a shift I’ve made from processing what I had read, reaching out to ask the question and then reading your answer. Not an easy decision at the time…

        💞💜

  • christinerussett175@gmail.com'
    Christine
    May 26, 2018

    I must say your article is absolutely fantastic Mel! Extremely profound thank you very much for teaching all of us. Nearly every person who I have met in my life has emotionally, mentally, psychologically and verbally abused me, physically assaulted me, almost killed me, controlled, oppressed, manipulated and indoctrinated me, stalked, harassed and spied on me and spiritually shredded me from when I was a very young child to now a young adult so I have alot more trauma, deep inner wounds and pain to confront, heal, shift and release than most people. I am an introspective person and I have identified my trauma and deep inner wounds to be in my heart and stomach that’s where they are in my body. Emotions I feel are trauma, terror, fear, despair, anger and hatred. The one which feels unbearable to me is terror. When someone’s abusing me I feel my heart is being emotionally wounded with an emotionally painful sword which manifests itself into horrible physical sensations in my heart and abdomen, then I feel terror, light-headedness and a feeling that I’m going to emotionally and/or physically collapse and fall. I have Aspergers Syndrome which is a form of Autism on the Autistic Spectrum Disorder its a learning difficulty, I take anti-depressant tablets for my Depression and Anxiety, I’m on insulin injections for my Type 1 Diabetes and I have other health problems, illnesses too I think my Aspergers makes me feel emotions more intensely than what a neurotypical person would feel. I have a natural heart centeredness in my heart. I feel empathy, compassion, remorse, guilt, peace, love, joy, happiness both for myself and others, as well as all the negative emotions too. I have suffered from anxiety and panic attacks in the past. When my depression has hit it’s peak I lose my appetite for food as I don’t comfort eat I have a horrible physical sensation in my abdomen, it starts making sounds then I feel nauseous and then I’m thinking that I am going to vomit – that’s very bad for my diabetes. I start to fear the person who is abusing me then I start practising avoidance behaviour towards this abusive person as that person’s presence will trigger terror, fear and anxiety in me then my heart’s emotional wounds will re-open, if that person abuses me again I will be wounded in my heart again with new emotional wounds in my heart – this is unbearable for me so I avoid this and I avoid this person I’m not an argumentative or a confrontational person so I avoid any confrontation with any abusive person so I’m really great at maintaining No Contact with all my Narcissists, abusers, toxic people and bullies. Years later on when I get triggered I feel a flame of anger and hatred getting ignited inside my heart then I feel vindictive and revenge thoughts enter my mind. What can I do about all of this?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 27, 2018

      Hi Christine,

      My heart goes out to you. That is a lot. However, please do know that there are Thrivers in this community who have healed incredible amounts of traumas physically and emotionally.

      I myself, also was able to use Quanta Freedom Healing to heal neurological and nervous system disorders that I was told were incurable.

      I fully do believe that when we release the traumas, (which we can powerfully with Quantum Tools) we reset back to wellbeing and health, no matter what our histories have been.

      I’d love to invite you to my free 16 day course to help get you started on this journey: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Also new science is showing incredible breakthroughs in dietary ways to heal ourselves. It may not be for everyone, yet I thoroughly recommend looking up ‘keto’ resources to help you heal. I personally am a fan of what Keto – if done right – can help heal.

      I hope this helps and please know that I believe for you that there is hope. More than hope.

      Sending you love, healing, courage and breakthrough.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • christinerussett175@gmail.com'
    Christine
    May 26, 2018

    My intuition has been telling me for years now that not only has my older cerebral covert malignant Narcissist stepdaughter, her cerebral covert malignant Narcissist biological mother and my stepdaughter’s oldest somatic covert malignant Narcissist female best friend been playing the victims, committing slander, defamation of character and libel about me and spreading lots of big, black lies about me and falsely accusing me of being “a Narcissist who plays the victim” behind my back offline they are also doing all of this online too – not necessarily on social media networks like Facebook or Twitter but all on different websites and forums. They may have created lots and lots of different email accounts all with different names, etc…, and gone onto different websites and forums then posted comments all with different names in the comment sections probably using the names of famous celebrities who they are totally obsessed with and to who they compare themselves to. Whenever I go onto your website and onto other people’s websites and forums and I make and post comments on the comment sections I always only use my real name Christine – no fake names and I mostly talk about these 3 women. These 3 women may even use the name “anonymous” and names like that too. I am just 1 of their very, very long list of people – victims who they have Narcissistically abused. I want to be a survivor, a thriver. I don’t want to call myself a victim anymore. The only pain, deep inner wounds and trauma these 3 women have is in their True, Authentic Selves where their Narcissistic Personality Disorders are. Narcissists cannot and will never change, fix or heal themselves they want to avoid all the trauma and wounds in their True Selves from their NPD so I guess they come onto websites disguising themselves, deceiving people, beguiling people, convincing people to believe their lies. When they receive comments of empathy and attention and recognition from other people on different websites – they derive pleasure and Narcissistic Supply from this as this is Narcissistic Supply for them and these other people – victims, co-dependants, survivors and thrivers on these different websites are other new sources of Narcissistic Supply for them also. These 3 women could be trying to find real, true victims, survivors, thrivers, co-dependants of Narcissistic abuse on different websites as potential new victims – potential new sources of Narcissistic Supply for them. They could be on different websites to derive sadistic pleasure and Narcissistic Supply from just reading about all the pain, trauma, deep inner wounds, suffering that different people have suffered from Narcissists in their personal testimonies which they put into comments which they post onto comment sections on other people’s blog articles on different websites and forums – they just love reading about other people suffering – on different websites and forums – they derive sadistic pleasure from that and that is a source of Narcissistic Supply for them. They are sadistic. They probably go onto different websites and forums to look for me and my name and to see, to read if I have been making and posting any comments and making and posting any comments about any or all of them onto the comment sections on other people’s blog articles on different websites and forums and if they see that I have then maybe on the same blog article or maybe onto a different blog article on the same website or maybe on a different website or forum it’s almost as if they are retaliating back at me back to me and all they want is other people’s empathy, compassion, attention, recognition, love, approval, for other people to agree with them, not to disagree with them, for other people to support them, give them advice, help, guidance and for other people to care about them and for other people to vindicate and validate them and their personal testimonies and experiences and for them to justify absolutely everything in the comments they post on different websites and forums. They retaliate but they don’t make or post any comments which are not in direct response to my comments, they don’t speak to me directly and they don’t ask me questions directly either. There is absolutely nothing and no reason for my Narcissists, abusers, toxic people and bullies to forgive me for as I have done and said absolutely nothing wrong or bad. It’s up to me whether I forgive them or not forgive them on absolutely everything wrong, bad, etc…, that they have said and done to me. I have absolutely nothing and no reason to apologize for, there are lots and lots of things for me to forgive my Narcissists, abusers, toxic people and bullies for, they have absolutely everything and every reason to apologize for. They may retaliate or they may not go onto different websites and forums anymore and they may not make or post comments on other people’s blog articles on different websites and forums anymore. They try to justify everything that they have said, that they say and that they are going to say. They may make a response to me and to what I have said and have that response directly aimed at me in an indirect way to me. So it will be an indirect response directed/directly aimed at me. I have always and I do always tell the truth without exaggeration about absolutely everything about absolutely everyone else and about absolutely everything. I am a truthful and honest person and my integrity is intact.

  • christinerussett175@gmail.com'
    Christine
    May 26, 2018

    I’m not a Narcissist, abuser, toxic person or a bully and I have never, I don’t and I will never played/play the victim, I’m not abusive and I have never, I don’t and I will never abused/abuse anyone and I’m not a Narcissist, etc…, who plays the victim, I’m a nice, decent, civil, law-abiding, lovely, wonderful, loving, caring, kind, friendly, gentle person with a big soft, loving, caring, kind, tender heart. I’m an Empath, I want to be a survivor and a thriver, I don’t want to be a victim. Even though I have Aspergers Syndrome I know, fully understand and comprehend exactly what I am saying, talking about and doing I have great self-awareness and that’s according to myself and to all the nice and lovely neurotypical people who don’t have any antisocial personality disorders, learning difficulties, etc…, or any emotional, mental, psychiatric, psychological, etc…, things wrong with them or with their emotional, mental, psychiatric, psychological, etc…, health, welfare or well-being who all know me personally very well and all of their opinions of me are all unbiased. These 3 women have always been, they always are and they will always be Narcissists, etc…, who play the victims. Their history/ies – histories will always be a part of them, since Narcissists cannot change, fix or heal themselves they will continue their histories from the past right into now – the present and right into both the near and distant futures right throughout their whole entire lives right to right til the days they die. Their histories will never leave them. Their histories will always be with them. I still cannot believe that all of this abuse has happened in my life. I’m 33 years old and I have about 50 odd or 60 odd or 70 odd years of my life left to live hopefully if I can reach the grand old age of 100 or 103 or over 103 years, hopefully I can and hopefully I will live that long.

  • Flabeachgirl64@gmail.com'
    Maria Parrillo
    May 31, 2018

    Melanie,
    I married my narcissistic husband this past October. I was a single mother and at the age of 52, tired of being the Head of Household. Tired of being the mother, doctor, money maker, cleaner, gardener… I met my husband and he was Mr. Wonderful. Then he turned. I have been diagnosed as having Major Depression Disorder, and anxiety. My husband constantly pushes my buttons to make me freak out. People say to leave the relationship. To be honest, I don’t want to be alone anymore. I’ve been alone since my daughter was 1 & 1/2. She is now 28. I am very independent but tired so tired of being alone and I don’t want to date anymore. I just don’t know what to do. He tries controlling me as much as he can. I work full time and he gets mad anytime I spend money. He wants a joint bank account and I refuse. I’m at the end of my rope.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 1, 2018

      Hi Maria,

      Sweetheart it truly doesn’t get better when the cracks have appeared.

      There is no option than to let go of someone hurting us and heal. Not doing that is truly hurting ourselves.

      I promise you that when we do heal and fully self partner we realise that true love and fulfilment is who we are inside … we were looking for it outside, and then this is when someone turns up for real being ‘real love’..

      I totally know what you mean … I felt the same way when I was married to the N, yet it was so priceless the journey I needed to take back to me.

      Maria I’d love to invite you into my free resources to start getting some healing, relief and hope.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • snowchristina67@yahoo.com'
    Christina
    June 1, 2018

    Hi Melanie,
    Thank you so much for this! I needed to hear this right now. One of the things that I think I struggle with is beating myself up for not healing faster. I kicked him out in 2015 and have been mostly single since then (dating on occasion, but nothing serious). He contacted me last year and said he still loved me and missed me and I got sucked emotionally back in. Now, he is getting married to a younger woman who asked him to marry her!

    It has been hard to wrap my head around and I feel like I should be further along in my healing. I am trying to really look past the victimhood now….and finally trying to allow myself to feel the pain and betrayal. I just was wondering how long it takes? Does it matter how long you were with them?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 1, 2018

      Hi Christina,

      Please know that is a fallacy that it takes that long.

      It takes as long as it takes for us to turn inwards and heal the inner wounds that had trauma bonded us to these people – which is what my Thriver Healing processes are all about.

      Have you taken your healing to the deep inner transformational work of NARP? That will make such a powerhouse of difference.

      If you are working with NARP I can’t recommend using the NARP Forum enough http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member to receive incredible free additional coaching and support with your breakthrough healing.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • christinerussett175@gmail.com'
    Christine
    June 1, 2018

    My husband’s and his Narcissist daughter’s Narcissist biological mother’s relationship ended in the early 1980’s even before my parents conceived me in my mother’s womb. I was born in 1984 and my Narcissist stepdaughter was born in 1970. These two women are so deranged and insane that they probably blame me for the mother’s and her ex – my husband’s relationship ending which is just totally ridiculous! Me and my nuclear family met him in 1992 when I was a young child. In either November or December 2005 when I was 21 I moved into his house and lived with him. My husband brought me to meet his daughter and then later on he brought me to meet her again and to also meet his daughter’s biological mother, his daughter’s Narcissist female best friend and his daughter’s boyfriend/victim -(he was her boyfriend at that time but, now they’re ex-boyfriend and ex-girlfriend) at his daughter’s and his daughter’s boyfriend’s house – this was around Christmas-time in 2005 and this was around the time that I had moved into my husband’s house to live with him. Around Christmas-time in 2005 me and my husband were at a pub in the countryside – this pub has a footbridge with a river stream flowing underneath it and as we stood on the footbridge my husband got down on 1 knee and proposed to me and I said yes! He did it in the most romantic way in romantic surroundings. He asked me to marry him he proposed to me as it was him who came up with that thought, idea and suggestion first before I did. I NEVER asked him to marry me I NEVER proposed to him. He asked me to marry him he proposed to me and I said yes! During his and his ex’s relationship they lived together and had a daughter together but they never got engaged to each other and they never got married to each other. Me and my husband were engaged to each other around Christmas-time in 2005. We got married to each other in 2006. Between December 2005 and June 2006 and/or after our wedding day in June 2006 the mother made sexual advances towards him which he rejected which she had done behind my back – someone else told me this between 2011 and 2013 so she felt and she will never get over being and feeling deeply betrayed and rejected by him for him getting engaged to and getting married to someone else – that’s me, him rejecting her and her sexual advances, him falling madly, deeply and truly in love with me, him loving me. He has always been, he always is and he will always be madly, deeply and truly in love with me, he has always loved me, he does now and he will always love me, he has never and he isn’t and he will never fall out of love with me and he has never and he doesn’t and he will never stop loving me. He’s only in love with 1 person – that’s me – nobody else and he only loves 1 person – that’s me – nobody else. He tells me everyday that he’s in love with me very, very much, that he’s very, very much in love with me and that he loves me very, very much. She will never get over her jealousy of mine and my husband’s relationship and marriage. My husband has always been faithful to me, he’s always kept our marriage vows from when our relationship started in November or December 2005 to our engagement in Christmas 2005, to our wedding day in June 2006 and to now in June 2018. The mother has been telling all of these big, black lies: saying that they are back in contact with each other, her saying that he has been telling her that he still loves her, that he misses her, that he went back to live with her in the 2000’s – 21st century and that she threw him out of the house in the 2000’s – 21st century – all of these are big, black lies. Both mother and daughter are pathological liars, deceitful, deceptive and dishonest people who always tells big, black lies, does deceit and deception and who always exaggerate alot and who never tell the truth, both their integrity is damaged – not intact. He didn’t go back to live with her in the 2000’s – 21st century and she didn’t throw him out of the house in the 2000’s – 21st century and he doesn’t love her, he’s not in love with her, he doesn’t miss her, he hasn’t and he’s never going to get back in contact with her again, he doesn’t want to get back in contact with her again, he doesn’t want to have anything to do with her, he wants to disassociate himself from her, he doesn’t want to associate himself with her, he doesn’t want to know her, he doesn’t want her, he doesn’t need her, he doesn’t even talk about her, he doesn’t even mention her or mention or say her name or even mention or say his term of endearment that he had of her that he called her. As far as I know he’s forgotten about her and everything about her including her name, identity, his term of endearment for her that he called her, etc…, she means absolutely nothing to him because she is absolutely nothing to him and he has absolutely nothing to say about her – he feels and is indifferent about and towards her. From November or December 1997 to June 2018 he has been living in the same house for nearly 21 years. He now believes me and he supports me and he vindicates and validates me and my personal testimonies of his ex, his and his ex’s daughter and their daughter’s Narcissist female best friend of doing Narcissistic abuse on me. Both mother and daughter play the victims and they have attempted to adopt and own victimhood and make it as their own. Now, they are trying to get rid of their victimhoods. I think they may start committing identity theft, identity fraud on me by using my name both offline and on anywhere online and they may get other people in their own social inner circles to do these same things to me too as well both offline and on anywhere online. My name is Christine. They compare themselves to me because they so desperately want to be me. I’m a truthful and honest person, I always tell the truth, I never exaggerate and my integrity is intact.

  • elise1stigliano@gmail.com'
    elise
    June 4, 2018

    I have been very encouraged and validated by the videos you have made available about what a narcissist does, why he/she does it, how to respond to stop feeding the narcissist, and although my narcissist has plunged me into financial chaos, I have succeeded to remove myself as a his target.
    However, I thought that when I divorced and stopped reacting to him, that I would be saving my children too.
    Since I have removed myself as his target, he has stepped up his abuse towards the children, which has tumbled me again. I am unsure of how to best protect the children and remain, calm, strong and resilient.
    I was always abiding by the visitation laws of my settlement, even though my children came back with more bruises, bites and cruelty. I pursued help from social services, police, therapists, and judges. Those services were not interested in acknowledging abuse of my children unless they were losing limbs, and losing them in real time in front of the authorities. Their plight has been impossible to improve.
    My daughter had to be hospitalized for three months, where she complained and listed the abuse that she had received from her father. It took a lot of courage for her to do it. I kept telling her that – “It is your story and you tell it over and over again, until you find someone to help you.” No one in authority ever helped her. They were either charmed by her father or felt so threatened by him when he raged to sue, and destroy the careers of the people who were standing in his way that my daughter saw each authoritative person capitulate to her father. And simultaneously she saw her mother, me, fail at every attempt to protect her.
    Now my ex has taken my daughter and will not return her to my custody days. She is too involved in the abuse cycle to say no to anything her father tells her to do. In addition, her father has convinced my daughter that it is her mom who has, and is abusing her, and that she had better stay with him for protection. I have primary custody. The visitation schedule is stated clearly. It is clear that my ex is in violation of these rules and took it upon himself to take our daughter, with out regard for the court, or the judge. He is a lawyer himself, and knows every which way to interpret a law to suit himself. I do not. Like you said Melanie, we do not know how to think like them.

    Since stealing your own child is a civil crime here in the state of Maryland, in the country of The United States, I must sue him again in order to maybe have him return to the visitation rules. He abuses my son also, but is not as interested in him at the time because, he has told me repeatedly that is is his greatest desire is to kill a woman who loves him. Our daughter is at the tail end of puberty. But I believe that my ex would have no concern for the safety of my son, if he got in the way of my ex. hurting my daughter.
    I will not be able to afford another trial. If we go to trial, my daughter and my son will probably be hurt by the escalated drama, even if I won.

    What I haven’t heard yet from you, is how to protect your children when the only recourse is legal. In the meantime my daughter will communicate sometimes with me via SnapChat when her father is not around. Her father has told me that he reads her SnapChat, so I keep it to everyday or funny topics. I always close a conversation with – I love you now and forever, or thank you for making me a mother, or anytime you want to come back home, for an hour or for longer, I would love to have you. You have a key to your house and I would welcome you at any time of the day or night.

    This loss of my daughter and the fear of also losing my son, breaks my heart and brings me down to that unfocused, horror once again. Most of your videos are about healing myself, but not so much about the children who are not only pawns, but in direct danger of their father. Do you offer any support in maintaining strength through that loss and a way of helping my children know that there is a way out? I do not have decades in front of me.
    I would like to join you and the community, but I am not sure where I fit in and start.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 4, 2018

      Hi Elise,

      Dear Lady my hearts goes out to you.

      Elise please google my name plus children and I hope that you do find the information that can help you.

      There are many people within the community dealing with brutality to their children who did deep inner healing and experienced the shift of so within – so without and the
      Narcissistic reign falling apart.

      It truly is the only way I know of or have even see to be effective in combating this. NARP has literally facilitated this miracle as well as so many others (such as reunions after decades of alienation)

      Sending love and miracle breakthrough to you and your children … I wish that for you all with all my heart.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • vikiniowa@yahoo.com'
    Vicky
    June 16, 2018

    Thank you very much for helping me – I didn’t think I would find a way away from my Mom – the narcissist ….and the abuse repeated in nearly each and every relationship I have had with boyfriends since my expectations for myself were so low and I took pretty much any behaviour from them. Your videos and lectures are saving my life – I am in my late 50’s – so time to begin anew and I am looking forward to living and enjoying my life in a way I did not think was possible before stumbling upon your teaching and healing techniques. Thank you again from the bottom of my heart.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 16, 2018

      Hi Vicky,

      I am so happy for you that you are finding clarity and healing.

      You so deserve the most incredible life Lovely Lady.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • ravirathi1574@gmail.com'
    Ravi
    June 20, 2018

    When I feels the pain and fear ,I cry out.
    That,I guess,is for starters.
    Can one do quantum healing on one’s own?
    When you say,validate and release the wound,how exactly is it done?

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