Melanie Tonia Evans

How To Inoculate Yourself Against Somatic Narcissists

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 13
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

You may not realise it but somatic narcissists trigger your DNA chemically in a significant way.

Unconsciously, women are innately drawn to the strong hunter-gatherer with broad shoulders, just as men are attracted to women with superior procreation potential.

And when a somatic narcissist uses irresistible good looks to their advantage, coupled with excessive charm … it’s very easy to go weak at the knees!

Somatic narcissists are dangerous because although they may not seem as “evil” as their cerebral counterparts, they have a very real ability to suck your energy, resources, and livelihood dry with their excessive entitlement and constant need for attention.

That’s why today, in this new Thriver TV episode, I wanted to cover the most common and devastating behaviour they exhibit, as well as the susceptibilities they are likely to target within you.

I also share with you how you can clean up these susceptibilities so that you will never fall victim to a somatic narcissist again.

 

 

Episode Transcript

Many many people in this Community have been abused by somatic narcissists. Even though these are the most classic and obvious narcissists they can be so downright magnetic, charismatic and sexy that they can be irresistible. Especially before we have done the inner work to be impervious to them.

Let me explain what a somatic narcissist is.

Many people believe there are two main known types of narcissists – namely cerebral and somatic narcissists. Cerebral narcissists use their minds to gain admiration, significance and acclaim, and somatic narcissists use their bodies and sexuality to achieve the same results.

Somatic narcissists are flashy and attractive. They are the people who turn heads in the street. They have an air of confidence and bravado about them. They can be funny and loud and often have big personalities.

A woman I knew years ago had a mother – now deceased – who had seven different husbands, and she was stunningly attractive, loved a party and according to her daughter was funny, loud, outrageous and hilarious. She also had numerous affairs with her six daughter’s husbands and partners. Her motto was, “I’m here for a good time not a long time and I will do whatever I want to do. If it offends people – too bad!”

She was a classic somatic narcissist, totally concerned with appearances, and used them to gain attention for the people that she preyed on.

And let’s face it, if a super attractive person focuses their attention on you, it can be hard to resist. Somatic narcissists know this and of course, like all narcissists, the high functioning ones have the personalities and the charm to captivate people.

People can even know they are self-absorbed, and fall for them anyway, being mesmerised or bewitched by their looks and personality. For example, this woman’s daughter told me that even though she behaved so poorly, everyone gave in to her mother and incredibly her husbands and daughters, even after her affairs, kept forgiving her.

The truth about somatic narcissists is they over-compensate in their personable behaviour and the intense sculpting of their looks, all to get adequate acclaim from the outside to help fill their inner emptiness within. This brings to mind the selfie culture, people needing to constantly take body photos of oneself and post them on social media in order to get a hit of attention.

There is a much greater awareness around this sort of behaviour now, and many people are aware of what somatic narcissists are up to, yet they are still formidable … because hard wired into many women’s DNA is a chemical attraction to a man with broad muscular shoulders, hard pecks and a six pack. He is the perfect primal protector– the hunter and gatherer her DNA craves. Just as a woman with formidable beauty is a chemical cocktail causing a man to lose his logic when struck by his biology, recognising her fertility and procreation potential.

But apart from and including manipulating our senses and biology with their attractiveness, what are some of the ways that somatic narcissists lure their victims? And how does this differ slightly between male and female narcissists?

Let’s start by looking at female somatic narcissists. And please know I am talking about the stereotypical female somatic narcissist – there of course may be exceptions to the following information. Also, there are absolutely female and male somatic narcissists who are gay and who have abused members of our Thriver Community. Even though I am discussing this in the context of female and male, please know that same sex relationships also apply.

Absolutely, female somatic narcissists use their appearance as well as other formidable charms. The quest of a somatic female is to snare a sensible, solid partner who is financially stable, generous and good hearted, to fall for her and give her exactly what she feels entitled to. To fund her entitled lifestyle.

Because her looks are a full-time profession, she needs clothes, beauty treatments and plastic surgery. She needs to be seen wearing the “right” apparel and at the “right” restaurants and venues. She also is interested in flashy homes, cars and holidays. Absolutely, she is superficial, and parasitical. She believes she is entitled to the best and why should she have to work and pay for it all?

I have met so many men in this community, really great guys, who fell for female somatic narcissists. In fact, that is the most common type of narcissistic woman, who is successful with getting partners and draining them of their life-force and acquisitions – as well as moving easily from partner to partner when it all goes belly up.

These guys thought they had met ‘the one’, a beautiful woman, who was stunning in appearance who was interested in him! Many of these men were taken by surprise to think they could be attractive to such a woman. Of course, in the early days she grants him tons of compliments, attention and adoration.

As always, beware if someone is instantly into you and moves a relationship forward too quickly. This is exactly what narcissists do in the love bombing stages – male and female – and female somatic narcissists are experts at it. Men, you’ll need to keep your head on your shoulders or truly you will be putty in her hands!

Female somatic narcissists know what they are doing. They are not likely to pick a male somatic narcissist as a partner. They don’t want someone to compete with their beauty, they need someone to be completely bewitched by their own.

Like all narcissists female somatic narcissists are very good at finding people’s weaknesses and playing on them. What are a good guy’s susceptibilities that she can take advantage of and use to her parasitical advantage? Acting helpless, sick or incapable are ways that she can activate his protective, caring and supportive nature.

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard of female somatic narcissists in this community being sick or incapable or reliant on their good guy partners, draining their money, resources and energy more and more – and hooking these men so that they feel incredible guilt regarding letting go, protecting themselves and leaving these women.

Many of these women will feign suicidal tendencies or do whatever it takes to not let him go – especially when he has had enough and wants out of the relationship. Many nice men struggle with this histrionic out of control behaviour that she turns on to manipulate, guilt him and control him. She may lead him to believe that she has no one else to take care of her.

Of course she does! If you leave her, she will suddenly get well, become a powerhouse of attractiveness again, target someone else, start to drain him of resources and then will get ‘sick’ again so that she completely leeches off him and controls him. Not all female somatic narcissists act like this, but many do.

When I have done healings for men who get trapped in this sick dynamic with somatic females I have generally discovered that that these guys suffered narcissistic fathers and had mothers they couldn’t protect. As a result, these men may have urges to rescue that are over and above healthy levels, which the somatic narcissist knows how to activate to her full advantage. Or if a man was not able to make his mother happy, no matter what he did, then he may be trying to please this woman over and over again, whereas – as the bottomless pit that her narcissism is – nothing he ever does can durably make her happy. And that’s the good guy’s quest more than any other – to make his lady happy.

Another way these women hurt nice guys terribly is to have multiple affairs, even ones that he knows about, whilst simultaneously keeping him hooked in.

This sort of behaviour is awful but what we have to understand is this: What we allow in our life continues.

This is no different and it won’t stop with narcissists, until we clean up our original traumas and become full and loving sources to ourselves who could no longer accept abuse any more than we could flap our arms and fly to the moon.

Sadly, these are often lovely men who don’t have their own formidable dating prowess, who believe she is the one, and don’t want to let go. There is a lot of healing and recovery necessary for any of us who get stuck in these illusions of: ‘I have to hang on, because I may never meet another again who is right for me.’

This makes us put up with terrible abuse rather than letting go to be our own source and generate true and healthier realities. Because of a somatic narcissist’s charm and often formidable physical attractiveness, this can be dangerous. I have heard so many victims of narcissists say ‘I just can’t get attracted to anyone else’. ‘I don’t think I will ever have that level of attractiveness again.’

I promise you that when you heal the wounds that keep you connected to a False Self, these people will never be attractive to you again. You will see straight through it. Rather, real people with hearts, souls and the ability to self sustain will become your speed and it is them that you will share physical attractions with. But it takes the inner work to get there.

What are some of the tell tales signs of a narcissistic somatic female? I think the biggest is entitlement. She has no problem spending money on her looks and lifestyle … and if it’s someone else’s, that’s far better. She wants beauty treatments, label name clothes and accessories, the best vacation spot, upgraded accommodation, business class flights, expensive wine and exotic cocktails.

Even though she may appear sweet and loving, her seething anger and insecurities are brewing just under the surface. One of the greatest signs of a chronic insecurity is the acting out of obscene superiority. The somatic narcissistic female can treat people terribly that she doesn’t believe are treating her the way she feels entitled to be treated. Waitresses, as an example, may be common targets.

How do you inoculate yourself against a female somatic narcissist? Realise that beauty is skin deep and healthy relationships require more traits and qualities in a partner than just having someone on your arm who is super attractive.

Lay boundaries with people who come into your life who are entitled. Don’t just say ‘yes’.

Take note of people who are genuinely grateful for what you do for them, instead of appearing entitled and as if it is expected. Does a woman offer to reciprocate and buy you a drink back, or is she trading her beauty for your wallet? Do you feel that you have to pay for someone to love and appreciate you? These are all a part of the shifting values and orientations that men and women are undergoing, moving away from gender definitions into shared power.

Please know I think chivalry is lovely, yet we are no longer living as our forbears did where mostly men were breadwinners; women are now as well. Yes, be generous if that is your nature, but pay attention to how any woman responds to that. Is she gracious, humble and grateful or haughtily entitled about it?  Does she offer to reciprocate or is she just in it for what she can get.

And again, beware of people that hook into you hard and fast. Don’t be susceptible to love bombing, take your time to get to know people before committing your life, bed and heart. If you don’t it could be a very expensive exercise to your soul and wallet – especially if you have children with her.

Now let’s check out male somatic narcissists and how they hook into and hurt people.

Again, please note that the following is the stereotypical profile of a male somatic narcissist, but there can be variations – absolutely. Also, even though I am discussing the men in the context of female partners, absolutely same sex relationship dynamics also apply.

Even though woman can be lured aesthetically – just like men – the good women with the resources that narcissistic men like to mine, are usually not taken in just by looks. There is often more that they require, such as some faith in the man’s integrity and heart.

Like all high functioning narcissists, the narcissistic male knows how to find out what it is that has hurt her in the past. He will act in a sympathetic way and vow to protect her, mimic total alignment with her and promise that he would never harm her in this way.

The unhealed woman who has yet to do the inner work on herself, often succumbs to him, believing that not only has she found someone she is incredibly attracted to, she trusts him and feels that he is the perfect soul mate for her.

The male somatic narcissist is not as likely to settle down as his female counterpart. She is about securing someone to provide her expensive lifestyle for her – she may even indulge in affairs, but she wants a solid partner.

He is more about sexual hook-ups and feeding his monstrous ego. It’s the thrill of the chase, the excitement of the conquest. However, he also may secure a relationship to create the stable foundation and appearances he needs for his ‘flashy’ egocentric life.

He may also seek a partner with enough security, financially and socially to parasitically empty that person out – as narcissists often do. And, oftentimes, while having a partner at home, he will lie about his marital status and seek extra-curricular sex.

The kick to him is all about being able to make people fall for him. Once he has, and they are well and truly snared, he can just as easily discard them and keep moving on to the next conquest. Or he may keep people who are affairs on the hook while he toggles other sources of sexual attention simultaneously.

It is common for both the female and male narcissist to lose sexual interest in their ‘committed’ partner. The thrill of the ego feed and random, non-committed sexuality, without emotional connection, is much more appealing (and much less threatening) than true connected intimacy.

How can we avoid male somatic narcissists? As females when we heal our insecurities, which were not allowing us to feel safe so that we can look after ourselves, we are not as chemically taken in by big, strong, masculine men.

Ok, so I admit we could still look at men like Dwayne Johnson and say, “okay….!!!’’ But we realise that love and relationships require traits and qualities that are not just charm, saying the right words, having flashy possessions and being handsome. Successful love requires character and values.

As we get older everyone has a past and therefore baggage, but we need to ask ourselves, has this person evolved and taken responsibility for their part in things, or are they blaming other people and continuing the same patterns? What are their previous relationships like?  And, what I do believe is important is this: What is a man’s relationship with his mother, and if it has been poor has he done healing around that?

For both sexes, if we are not choosing people who are decent, solid and responsible people with compassion, empathy and kindness, and we are not embracing and developing these values in ourselves, we can easily be led down the garden path through the powerful chemical cocktails of our biological imperative that can lead us into VERY deep and hot water.

So … I hope that the information today in this Thriver TV episode has helped, and if you’d like to learn more about how to heal for real from toxic relationships and narcissistic abuse you can sign up to my free 16-day recovery course, it includes an invitation to a healing workshop with me, a set of eBooks and lots more.

So until next time… keep smiling, keep healing and keep thriving because there’s nothing else to do.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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33 Thoughts on How To Inoculate Yourself Against Somatic Narcissists
  • ball-kim@att.net'
    Kimerlea R. Ball
    May 20, 2018

    As I heal the wounds of my inner child, I see with compassion as well as some horror how I have been operating from a very childlike and immature view of love that is needy, self seeking and self serving rather than a true, authentic and mature view of love. This is natural for a child who depends upon her parents for survival. As an adult, we mirror the narcissist who is objectifying to gain something from us when we do the same thing to gain something from the narcissist until we stop and heal. In this case, being with someone based on their appearance and personality for whatever payoff we we getting is objectification, not love.

  • crystalyvettesmith@gmail.com'
    CYAS
    May 20, 2018

    As always Melanie your thrived TV episodes are so healing and informative

  • hm8200@gmail.com'
    MH
    May 20, 2018

    In my experience with several somatic narcissistic women, they tend to switch back and forth between abusing co-dependent men and becoming themselves co-dependent victims to narcissistic men who have more extreme personality disorder issues than they do. Melanie any thoughts?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 20, 2018

      Hi MH,

      I personally believe this is the women who are also suffering histrionic PD.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • alex.brittain1@gmail.com'
        Alex
        May 20, 2018

        Too true Melanie. I watched this with a female co-worker I was entangled with until February this year. Wondered what Cluster B types were and googled it, then realised my mother and some of her sisters fitted the description of Histrionic types as well as this co-worker.

        Alex

  • Juliasmyser@ymail.com'
    Jan
    May 20, 2018

    Am the mother of a narcissistic daughter. I am 85 yrs and she has lied about me to all my family because she went behind my back…giving my husband morphine …..taking p o a over me when i was showering…with a liberal hospice……husband….no pain…and was telling me he loved me right up till the morphine…it took him 5 days to die………..she told them that I was feeble and incompetent to make a medical decision. I am personally writing this right now…after my husband died….no communication from her…I have been totally by self for one and half years now….she lives 10 miles from me…and has made up lies after lies..to make herself look good…..prior to all this we were buddies….but now she wants to travel…without a burden….never was able to resolve any issue with her…everything is always someone else fault….thank you for the narcissistic label.

  • stefycobain81@libero.it'
    HappySpirit
    May 20, 2018

    Thank you sweet Mel!

    i’d like to share with you a quote by Doe Zantamata, i think it may be referred at narcissists as well:

    “Compassion dissolves anger. Understanding why someone behaves the way they do allows for forgiveness when they have mistreated you. Maybe they are insecure, or in pain, or maybe they even suffered some type of abuse in their lifetime, and you can see why they are the way they are. But when your compassion extends to excusing them for treating you poorly, over and over, it not only damages your self-worth, but prevents them from healing as well. Refuse to allow it to continue, for everyone’s sake.”

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 21, 2018

      100 percent I agree with this Happy Spirit.

      What a fabulous quote!

      Mel 🙏❤️💕

  • anna_elina@luukku.com'
    Anna
    May 21, 2018

    Hi Melanie!

    The past 1,5 years, after the n and so called relationship, I’ve really made the effort to heal myself. I’ve come a long way, now my mind is most of the time “zen” and the ex n does not bother or trigger me at all. This is awesome, once upon a time, my whole life, state of mind, even willingness to live depended on him!

    I think I would be even ready for a new relationship. I don’t know if we will ever be “perfectly” healed, but I think I am healed well. But I have up and down feelings/days…Some days I am optimist, eager and confident that surely I’ll meet my prince charming any day now soon and then I’ll have the relationship I’ve always dreamed of, no problem. Then other days I’ll go like, I’ll never succeed in this, I’m too old, men don’t want me, I don’t know what action to take, I don’t want to get hurt/disappointed, I’ve even become just plain lazy to even take any action, blaa blaa…

    I think it is the same with every goal, not just relationships, but financial and whatever goals. I can feel confident and positive, then some other day, suddenly negative and full of doubt, fear. Whether we have been n abused or not, is this normal, for us normal humans, to have this kind of “on” and “off” days? Why the mind does this? What causes it? I do not even particularly fear meeting another n, but it’s more like…a man can be normal and good and relationships can still end or bring disappointment, because of whatever reason. I think it is the nature of relationships, that’s life 🙂
    But is it normal for the mind to always be a LITTLE bit in a roller coaster ride, that our thinking has positive-negative, contradicting elements?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 21, 2018

      Hi Anna,

      Yes sweetheart it is normal, yet with Quantum Tools we don’t have to have this struggle. We can target the insecurities heal them in our subconscious and start living without them.

      Have you checked out NARP?

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • angelaboushel@hotmail.com'
    Angela
    May 21, 2018

    So glad i signed up for NARP programme a couple of years ago. After so much healing i can now ‘enjoy’ hearing about narcissism and experience a sense of distance between me and my narc mother and brother. I still get triggered but mostly cope well knowing i have the NARP modules available to me to strengthen my healing. This is ongoing as my narc family are alive and kicking. Would encourage everybody listening to sign up for Mels free programme. Its an amazing private supported experience. Thanks Melanie for your commitment to our thriving.💚

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 22, 2018

      Hi Angela,

      I am so thrilled you are breaking through with NARP and your inner healing.

      Thank you for you lovely encouragement to others.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • Bri9227@yahoo.com'
    Brittany
    May 22, 2018

    Ugh, this sounds like me. I have a huge problem with intimacy, and allow my ego to run my relationships, therefore exhibit a lot of narcissistic tendencies. I feel like I have done so much inner healing work, including NARP. But I still have these tendencies, and it’s very discouraging.

  • chris.whittaker2@btinternet.com'
    Chris
    May 22, 2018

    Hi Mel,
    Very interesting article but not quite true, I have never thought wow she,s gorgeous and charismatic, I bet she,s very fertile and would give me lovely babies, oh no as I have never been Paternal, I like my peace too much and many women let themselves go after having kids as well.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 22, 2018

      Hi Chris,

      Absolutely all these generalisations of the standard somatic N don’t match every case, as I stated.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • nicopopliceanu@yahoo.com'
    Nicoleta
    May 23, 2018

    Melanie, I love all your videos. Your work is fantastic.

  • becky_stell@live.co.uk'
    Rebecca
    May 23, 2018

    Narcs play games (well yes!) but what I’ve found most troubling is they projected the abusive behaviour back on me. They said I wouldn’t be a ‘proper wife’, and i was supposed to be some meek little mouse yet as somatic narcs of course they slept around the friendship group and got forgiven all! I didn’t cope well with all but one of the narcs sexual games but my husband was oblivious to them playing sick games that made out that if you were with one of them then you should tolerate loud sexual humour and misogyny from ALL of them! I’m an abuse survivor from age 11, so I quickly succumbed to more narc stress. I cracked under the combined strain of a narc mother, narc sister in law and narc friends of my husband within a year of marriage. His friends and family played us both for our emotional resources. When I cracked they made it look like ME, they played on my mental health, on the fact I have already the kind of health issues which in most countries and cultures will see you locked away in an institution in any case (even my family wanted me put away) and then spread rumours that I was ‘taking him away from them’. Of course it’s hard to disprove that when his family ‘needed him’ to move counties _ I was sicker in 5 years than I have ever been since even before I married, simply from the sheer number of narcs in our life!

    My biggest fear is the blackmail – they have promised to WATCH him to NEVER leave him to ‘always leave a door open for him to come back’. Now I find out that the UK domestic abuse law is changing so that a third party can accuse a person of domestic abuse and the spouse who is the assumed victim is not allowed to defend the accused person even if it is a lie! They have been threatening to ‘expose’ me as a domestic abuser for years! Sick of the blackmail and not sure what the sneaky narc who knew about my PTSD and befriended us to get info on us might be able to now twist into ‘evidence’. My fear at the moment is taht when we called it out (yes I know – that was when we found MTE!) it started up again! I have PTSD and we have done loads of work on ourselves – my spouse even tracing his susceptibility to narcs back to how they set him up for asexual assault which THEY laughed about! It was hideous but it made so much sense of his fear of standing up to people!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 23, 2018

      Hi Rebecca,

      Please do know sweetheart that the most helpful and supportive thing for you is about anchoring into the Quantum Truth on this – so within so without.

      That when you withdraw and heal these fears within, it takes away any power and energy without.

      It is the only way to beat this and heal from it.

      I’d love to invite you to join me in one of my free webinars where I can help you achieve this. https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I hope this helps.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • mallen22@hotmail.com'
    Megan Allen
    May 23, 2018

    It’s super interesting to have the typical female explained. I know a narcissist who is just like this although she is not typically physically attractive. She is alluring and hooks in most people that are in contact with her, especially those that have monies available. I hate to think that men who deal with these women think all women are like this.

  • mallen22@hotmail.com'
    Megan Allen
    May 23, 2018

    Hmmm…. I don’t think that having women pay for men’s drinks is a good idea, although I am open to being wrong. I tried this when I was young and quite cute. Each time I did this, when I paid for a drink for a man, I had instantly “devalued” myself in their eyes and I was not treated properly from that moment forward. I am VERY bad at asking for money from people or accepting it because money was used as a way to control and belittle us in my nuclear family. I would prefer to pay for all of my own stuff to have that boundary. However, I don’t ever buy things for men if we are on a date because I have literally been trained not to.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 24, 2018

      Hi Megan,

      With all peoples treatment of us if we buy a drink or not it is up to us to navigate that.

      And please know there are men that can pay for drinks who can treat women poorly!

      I personally believe for myself having equal power and responsibility is healthy, rather than feeling ‘kept’ or ‘dependent’. And where does that end? Is it just drinks or dinners or all outings?

      It’s lovely at time with my partner when he picks up the bill and does something lovely for me. And I reciprocate the same as well …

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • smwaniki@gmail.com'
    sam
    May 28, 2018

    Thanks Mel for the wonderful resources. I’ve lived with a narcissistic wife for over 20 years and shockingly without knowing anything about NPD!

    I’ve gone No Contact for the last 3 months and slowly healing. What puzzles me is why she has recently (after I went No Contact ) started calling my parents quite regularly and even sending them money which she never used to do.

    What game is she on now?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      May 28, 2018

      Hi Sam,

      You are very welcome.

      It’s more than likely a Hoover attempt … and what is so important in our healing journey is to let go of absolutely all questions and everything that is about ‘them’.

      That’s the freedom where our true emancipation lies.

      Keep up the great work.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • rpw43@protonmail.com'
    Richard
    June 15, 2018

    Hi Melanie, thank you for this very revealing material on female somatic narcissism.

    In a 3-yr relationship, which has been the most intense and passionate of my life, bringing the best and worst of intimacy between a man and a woman, I have suffered extreme verbal abuse (and some physical abuse) from a beautiful woman I now see has definite traits of somatic narcissism.

    I was struck by this comment you quoted in “Mary’s story” in an older blog entry, ““Why is it that when your children are around, it is like I don’t exist?”. This is exactly what I have been accused of, because of the limited time I have wanted to spend alone, or away, with my children (I am widowed, and my daughter, who lives in another country, has taken on a role as guardian of the family memory and, to an extent, as subsconscious replacement for my late wife her mother. This caused my ex-girlfriend to accuse of me of allowing my daughter to behave as “another woman” and of not knowing how to define and limit her role to obedient/subservient “daughter”). Any contact I have with other women, and sometimes even men, is seen as a potential rival to whom I, in her mythology, am drawn to like a moth to a flame.

    Added to the problem of her controlling jealousy towards my daughter (and others) has been my instinct to appease, rescue, and to be the white knight catering to every need of my princess, because she has fears of abandonment as a result of her life history (she was herself widowed at an early age, 40). In not setting boundaries, in choosing to lose my power and love of myself by trying to please her (and pay for everything, even when that has got me into debt which, logically, I should not have taken on) I have made things worse, to the point that I sometimes wonder if I am not the abuser – because I have allowed her to believe in her expectations of me, equating them to promises, and then have not fulfilled those promises, because of my own fears of commitment. It is also true that on occasion, when I was with my children, I simply ignored her rage and did not answer her calls, thus triggering her abandonment fears.

    I am tortured at the moment, because I made a very reluctant decision to end the relationship and go “no contact”, but I desperately miss the intimacy, the potential for sharing the late years of our lives, and the good times, while worrying that there is no-one else who will ever match the good, the passion, and the sheer life force she has in her. She too wants no contact (she has not stuck to it rigidly, but almost), and says she wants it to avoid further hurt.

    Melanie, what do you say when there are two people like this, perhaps each one with their PD traits, affecting the other? It feels to me like a double dose of narcissism, but I may just be beating myself up about it, based on her guilt-tripping me as part of the somatic narcissism cycle.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 15, 2018

      Oh gosh Richard,

      There is only one way through this – to heal.

      I’d love to invite you to connect to my transformational healing processes. I know they can help grant you clarity and relief https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • rpw43@protonmail.com'
        Richard
        June 15, 2018

        Thanks Melanie, I am currently on day 11 of receiving your 16 days of e-mails, and intend to join your webinar soon, once I have finished an important work project I have to complete by next week. I would like my xgf to do the same, because she needs to heal too, but I think personal accountability (as opposed to blaming me) can only come with acceptance of that need to heal her inner wounds. And mostly, she denies that there is anything wrong with her. This too is, I believe, a symptom of the grandiosity of somatic narcissism. And I recognize, sadly, that the rescue cannot come from me, she has to rescue/heal herself.

        Richard

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          June 16, 2018

          It’s so true Richard,

          We have no control over what we know people need to do!

          We can only do the healing ourselves.

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • msviking212@msn.com'
    Carol Rafferty/Vevle
    August 17, 2018

    Well, hello there, Melanie,
    Glad you are doing good. I happen to know all about narcs as cheaters & liars. I know, my mother, husband, daughter, & her husband are all. Caught them. You know, like I know, they will never admit it. My husband cheated with a much younger woman & he was heard to say: “She liked it!! I met him at 15. He looked like a good/nice Christian young man. We parted ways at the end of the school year. He was pointed out again, when I was 17. We got married when I was almost 21. Back then, there was nothing on Narcissism. I reported him for some pretty bad things, but two doctors refused to believe me, so I clamed up. He is at least, a malignant narc or psychopath. Too afraid to go to court with no support. So much happened that never would have, if I had been believed. Long story short, he was forced into a medical building for PTSD (HA!) As of this March 23rd I asked for a trial separation, because I was tired of his put downs & toxic mouth. (He did that to his mother, as a teen, but always apologized.) He has been ghosting ever since, BUT I’m so afraid of when he gets out. I lost everything & started my life over 3 times in 5 years & about to do it again by the end of the year or beginning of next. It turns out this apt. complex is toxic, actually endangered my life by not listening to my complaints. Once landed up in the hospital, from the office staff, with high BP. I’m so tired of being mistreated over & over again. When, I put down boundaries no one hardly thinks they have to listen. I’m so tired of being abused, I rather spend time in isolation, because no one hopefully will be around to do something else toxic. I’m working on my health, because I can’t stop shaking, went no contact, might go back to singing, very few people believe what I say, because I’m working on making up for a lot of lost time. People, by the score are just too damn nasty & I had enough. My health is a wreck & not just from him. I would rather spend time with myself a lone than be bullied by a bunch of demonic people.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 17, 2018

      Hi Carol,

      My heart goes out to you.

      The truth is there is no ability to have boundaries that produce healthy genuine and honest treatment with pathological people.

      Our only true solution is detaching and going No Contact or very strict Modified Contact and having the space to heal ourselves.

      I’d love to help you do this, the first step to start getting clarity, relief and your power back is here: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse

      I hope this helps, and sending you healing, solution and breakthrough.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

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