Melanie Tonia Evans

5 Steps To Ignoring A Narcissist Who Tries To Punish You

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 14
110
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

Ignoring a narcissist is critical – it is a skill that will save your life. And there is no time that ignoring a narcissist is more important than when a narcissist tries to punish you.

Narcissists love to get your reaction. And as soon as they do, you are handing power away.

This is how narcissists “prosper” – they like to know that they have infiltrated your thoughts, heart, mind and soul to the point where they are everything to you – front and center, sideways, up and down and inside and out.

That is what it feels like when a narcissist gets their tentacles into you … like everything you used to think is tipped upside down and turned on its head.

Until we know better we think that combatting a narcissist, when their cruel punishment emerges, can stop the battering – the onslaught of twists, turns, mind-bends and outright abuse.

But it can’t.

In fact, every time we “go in” trying to get some sort of decency, accountability or sanity, things escalate and we end up even more disorientated, broken and traumatised than before.

What is the solution?

It is the VERY thing that is the ONLY solution.

Totally ignoring them, which means granting them no energy, no response and no bite back.

I discovered that ignoring the narcissist was the most difficult when he was trying to punish me.

These were the times when he’d decided I was somehow injuring his False Self and I needed to be throttled back into line.

This could amount to not meeting him at the door to greet him adequately. To punish me, he would abandon me and leave.

And … there were the times when he believed I slighted him, causing him to lash out with verbal abuse, name calling and intensely derogatory statements about my character.

Other times of punishment were when he believed I was involved with other men and would threaten or become physically violent with me.

I could go on and on … as I am sure you also could about the ways the narcissist in your life has punished you.

And for most mere mortals, like me and you, initially it is almost impossible to not react to a narcissist’s cruel and disproportionate behavior, when the punishment CLEARLY does not match the supposed crime.

Especially, if you are like me, a high-powered passionate person who has specific beliefs about life and others and how people should treat each other with integrity.

I used to be one of these people who HATED injustice vehemently. For me to sit back and shut my mouth when something was blatantly “wrong’, unfair” or “ridiculous” was like not brushing my teeth in the morning.

It truly was part of my make-up.

So, as far as the narcissist was concerned, my previous self was the perfect target for narcissistic supply – because all he had to do was do something odd / wrong / unjust / cruel / unfair and I’d be all over it.

Before my intense recovery journey, I just thought I was doing the right thing by confronting him. I didn’t realise the repercussions of my intensely co-dependent (sourcing my life from outside of me by trying to force other people to grant me myself) behavior.

What I was doing was defying all rules of Quantum Law – so within, so without.

This is the absolute nature of this Law: whenever we try to change someone else to grant us inner peace and happiness, we are firmly in Wrong Town … and all we get is MORE inner turmoil and unrest in our attempts.

The other thing that Quantum Law forces us to get (and hopefully we do finally awaken) is that inner peace and happiness is our own foundational responsibility and then and only then other people with healthy resources will follow.

In this article I wish to share with you the five most important understandings and processes to ignore narcissists, especially at the times when they try to hurt you the most.

 

1) Know Ignoring a Narcissist Hurts Them More Than Anything

I have found this key truth is very useful for people, to help them ignore narcissists before going to work on their Inner Game – meaning detoxing their trauma and reprogramming their painful beliefs.

Initially, it is very human that we want to get back at narcissists; we want them to suffer. They have hurt us, and what they have done to us defies our sense of loyalty, love and what we stand for as human beings.

Please know even though I am all for Quantum Recovery where we purposefully evolve ourselves to the stage where we have no need for narcissists to experience anything at all for us to have a truly wonderful, rich and expansive life (true Quantum Cellular Freedom), I deeply acknowledge the stages we go through emotionally.

Revenge and wanting to pay back, for most of us, is initially very real and coursing through our being. As long as we are prepared to work towards our inner recovery as soon as possible, this can be a helpful step to start ignoring a narcissist.

KNOWING nothing hurts a narcissist more than ignoring them.

It renders them insignificant, meaningless and void.

That is the deepest fear of the narcissist – having people turn their back on them and let go, because there is NO greater narcissistic injury. It is literal emotional annihilation.

Please know you have a window of time with your own emotions with this – yes ignore a narcissist because you know it hurts them more than anything, but start your recovery in deep earnest immediately as well – because if you don’t your ego’s delight at ignoring them will be VERY short lived.

The ego never holds energy and peace durably. It needs constant proof and confirmation.

Therefore, without deep healing processes to detoxify yourself from the narcissist, you will want to check up – such as look up social media, or get in contact with people the narcissist knows to see IF your ignoring them has really hurt them.

Your attention will still be on the narcissist, which means that it isn’t going towards your healing and recovery, and you will still be drained of and handing energy away.

This is why it is important to use this knowledge as your kick star ONLY.

 

2) Know That Granting a Narcissist Energy is Handing Them the Bullets to Shoot You With

When we understand the Rules of Engagement with a narcissist, this gives us more reason to ignore them rather than go to war.

And … of course this helps lead us to the space to get onto working on our Inner Healing.

Narcissists are not like normal people in arguments and times of conflict. For most people conflict drains energy from their Inner Being – it is distasteful, painful and exhausting.

Narcissists are the opposite; conflict, drama and trauma energises them.

The narcissist’s TRUE feelings about him or herself are disastrous – hence why a fictitious character was created by him or her to be a buffer between the narcissist and his or her inner wounds.

This entity, known as Ego (False Self), is running the narcissist’s emotions and life and feeds from pain.

In stark contrast, the entity known as the True Self, (which still exists within us, even if not free yet because of internal trauma) feeds off and blossoms from love, authenticity and truth.

Because the narcissist is self-divorced from his or her True Self, the narcissist cannot feel, register or hold good feelings. He or she can only operate within the range of painful feelings. All “good” feelings, for a narcissist are delusional / obsessive and ego driven.

We are no match for a narcissist in a battle, who like a shark in blood infested waters, gets switched on and powered up.

We … instead … are torn to shreds.

It’s your ego that wants to fight on, but our True Self knows that the energy being expended and the brutalisation we suffer is not worth it, and is NOT who you really are.

Your True Self is screaming at you this: Pull away and heal and create yourself as a Being that is impervious to abuse. Don’t try to fight back because you will only feed it, absorb it and become it.

 

3) The Narcissist Has Shown Us What We Need to Heal

If you pull away using the inspiration that ignoring the narcissist hurts them the most, and you have stopped handing energy and power to them, then it’s time to make it ALL ABOUT working on your own Inner Being to heal yourself.

This is when we step into the Quantum Power of ignoring the narcissist. This is a much improved model rather than having to continually having to remind ourselves why we need to stay away.

When we heal the Thriver Way, we stay away … for good.

This is only possible when we start the determined work on our Inner Game – the detoxing of our inner trauma and reprogramming of our painful beliefs.

By doing so, a profound switch comes on … this …

What you are PUNISHING me with is EXACTLY the unhealed parts of me that I need to heal to NOT only ignore you for real, but to free myself from all feelings of enmeshment, love and neediness with you. I know now by doing so, you will become totally irrelevant to me, and I will then transcend into relationships which ARE healthy, whole and real.

This is a massive cause for celebration truly … and I promise you it is the truth. This is the truth that ultimately set me and so many others free.

It’s then that ignoring a narcissist becomes pretty easy … because we have made the journey all about loving and healing ourselves instead of trying to make the narcissist morph into someone who will love and care for us decently.

How it went for me is how it goes for all of us. I clung to the narcissist initially like a woman in a typhoon hanging onto the side of a sinking ship.

I was drowning, yet I thought he was my only option to live.

Why did I do this?

Because all the ways I had felt as a child, and how I had grown up to treat myself … feeling not good enough, feeling loved with conditions, feeling not heard, not able to have my own rights, and not being capable to generate my own life … were all the aspects of myself under serious threat again.

Whilst I had these unhealed wounds, I was holding the messenger of these wounds (him) responsible to fix these wounds.

Why do any of us cling?

Because the unhealed child within us is dictating our emotions and our life.

When I pulled away and healed these original traumas, all of my graduation happened … just as it has for thousands of people already in this Community, and just as it will for you.

It’s a beautiful day when the narcissist tries to trigger you and there is simply NO trauma there for him or her to trigger.

That’s when your response is indifference and you have nil reaction. No charge felt in your body means there is no trauma remaining.

This is the level we are capable of healing to now, and being freed from the narcissist is only a part of it. The real truth is this: we are freeing ourselves from internal trauma which has caused us to hand power away in many areas of our life.

 

4) Life Has Our Back and Will Support Us If We Let It

One of the greatest reasons why we can’t ignore the narcissist is because we think that letting go means we will be unsafe, undefended and throttled by them.

Boy does this one take some work on our Inner Being – BIG time!

I know from my own personal experience, and as a result of helping many people in this Community heal from narcissistic abuse, one of the biggest hooks we have that keeps us going back for more is crisis consciousness.

 It is that terror that things out of our control, especially when they become scary or threatening, are going to get us. That we will be hurt immensely. ripped apart and taken down.

These traumas come from feeling terrified and powerless as children if we were violated, but they are also more than that … they are literal human DNA epigenetic terrors that are wedged in so many human being’s DNA as a part of the inherited human experience.

Look at our human history – it’s brutal. So many of us carry terror, aspects of powerlessness and abuse programs deeply entrenched within us.

A miracle starts to happen when we target that stuff and release it. All of a sudden we KNOW with every cell of our Being that we do have incredible power – dictated through the composition of our Inner Being.

When we are no longer riddled with fear and all of our cells vibrate with the knowing that we are loved and adored beyond measure simply because we exist (which is our organic state when we lose our programs and traumas of fear) then for the first time in our Life we feel SAFE.

And I mean truly safe, and we know that whatever it is that is inauthentic outside of us is not our reality and cannot affect us.

So … I can’t recommend enough how important it is to work on these inner programs to be free of them.

 

5) It’s Only Important What You Think of You

Narcissists get us triggered and enmeshed when we start focusing on all the terrible things they do.

Such as the smear campaigns and abuse by proxy – the fabricating of lies and using methods to discredit us and render us powerless.

When we are shocked, devastated and traumatised by the false allegations and terrible things being said and spread about us, as well as people turning away and against us in droves … then we are in trouble.

We feel like we can’t ignore what is happening to us. We want to defend, have a right of reply and discredit the person who is tearing our reputation to shreds, or maybe attempting to get us prosecuted.

I promise you this one – Step 5 – is incredibly connected to the essential inner work.

One of the biggest hooks that narcissists get us on, is our fear of authority and the terror of being persecuted.

These are two of the human frailties of powerlessness in our DNA caused by the terrible atrocities that have occurred in the human experience, and which have been passed on as trauma epigenetically within families down the line.

This painful belief wedged in our Inner Identity goes like this: If people think I’m bad or that what I have done is wrong, I will be hurt and could even die.

Is it any wonder that we are triggered into white hot terror when we discover what has been said about us, or when legal authorities confront us as a result of the narcissist’s lies?

HOW can we ignore the narcissist when this happens? We can’t.

Logically we can’t. Mere logic, which is only responsible for 5% of our Life, has no power against an almighty triggered subconscious survival program.

There is only one way to truly heal from this – address the subconscious program at its root. Because when we have targeted and released these traumas that are deep within our DNA then we start going free.

I hold your hand and take you through this step-by-step in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. 

Then we are not triggered. We know we are not that person that other people believe we are. We no longer fear that people and authorities will turn against us.

Instead, we calmly and clearly show the facts, or we just know that being ourselves is enough, or even doing nothing is okay – regardless of what people think.

Then, what we find is the terror campaigns fall flat. They just don’t get off the ground. We are believed, we are safe.

People who want to join the narcissist can, but we have ourselves and other people in our life who know who we are.

The greatest gift is, unconditional of our outside word, we KNOW who we are and we know we are safe.

Then we discover this: Life follows.

 

Conclusion

After being hooked up with a narcissist watching them, confronting them and having our entire soul and life overtaken by them, letting go and ignoring them will feel totally counter-intuitive at first.

Yet, I promise you, when done in conjunction with healing your Inner Being, detaching and generating your life will be the most natural, healthy thing you have ever done in your life.

This creates a healthy template for you, as to how to live your life in ways that serve you immensely. Such as, making it your mission to control your inner world and THEN seeing your outer world transform.

I can’t tell you what a relief it is to stop trying to control everything outside of us (which is too big and way too impossible) and instead make the change that changes everything … on the inside.

Narcissists are the pinnacle of uncontrollable!! Hence teaching us this self-empowerment lesson.

I’d love to connect to your comments and questions about this topic below!

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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110 Thoughts on 5 Steps To Ignoring A Narcissist Who Tries To Punish You
  • adrennam@hotmail.com'
    AMB
    June 30, 2017

    Thank you for this. After growing up with a mother who was a narc and not dealing with the trauma, I began to become into awareness when I married in 2013. I’m grateful I was able to walk away after 3 years and realizing the common thread between to the two. I’ve been healing for the last year and its prepared me to deal with a narc boss. I didn’t realize at first she was until about 6 months ago…so I trusted my instinct and knew I would need to move on. I told her last week and while she is trying to make my remaining time there hell I’ve decided to not respond. I’m taking a new position in a different dept. She’s furious yet “acting” as if she is happy while trying to sabotage. Its like dealing with my mom…yet here’s the difference. Back then I had no voice. I had no choice but to take it. Now I get to choose me. Every. Single. Day.

    I’m quietly making an exit plan to leave sooner than I originally planned. A year ago or 2 years ago I would have allowed my ego to take over and fed into her madness. It’s sad to watch yet I know I only need to be responsible for my actions, reactions and my response.

    • amanda.texagal@gmail.com'
      amanda bordenave
      June 30, 2017

      AMB, You are one smart lady to have made the connection in your Mom’s behavior , marriage and now your boss- it is clear to you. I hope to be where you are. To not be affected by your Boss’s punishment tactics…. WOW! How do you remain consistent in your choice to not let her “shenanigans ” enter in your “mind”. The ego for me is one tricky thing… The N ( husband) burned ALL of my underclothes in the back yard last week- while watching from the window, I just said to myself – ” Must be really hot”- nothing else came to mind, but then about a day later, I kept thinking about it and WHY???? I am beginning to understand the C.R.A.P. article and blocks – But am having a bit of trouble with “talking” to my ego – to see whats up. If you can give any clues, I would totally appreciate it- God bless and I wish you much love in the healing journey. Good luck in your new position as well!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 1, 2017

      Hi AMB,

      you are very welcome 🙂

      That is wonderful that you are detaching and honouring you.

      Wishing you the best of healing and strength.

      Mel xo

    • cperron@san.rr.com'
      Cindy
      July 2, 2017

      AMB, thanks for your post! I’ve had an N mother, ex-husb, ex-boss experience as well – nearly killed me (managing fear of annihilation was my daily paralyzing experience)… I love the empowerment you express – the quiet exit plan… so cool… It wasn’t until I discovered Melanie and NARP work (last year) that I could finally start believing there is peace despite the fact that justice, decency and support are just NOT negotiable with certain people (Ns, or just the limited). What I knew before was insisting (doesn’t work, ever). But, in order to get to that epiphany I’ve had to clear the emotional landmines within myself that these people (or future people) might step on. Outside that, one can never quietly moving on with trust as you described… to the healthy people and situations 🙂 Bravo AMB! You’re doing it! This is a process of course… but the NARP modules truly collapse space and time in healing don’t they…

      Melanie is spot on as usual on this topic of ignoring… Thank you lovely Mel for spelling out so perfectly this dynamic and providing the anecdote. I too am a justice, safety and rightness junky in recovery (junky meaning needing the wrong place/person to provide the right things). I have found that only the NARP program has helped my body to feel neutral and courageous in the face of crazy.

      Anyone contemplating giving NARP a go, PLEASE don’t hesitate! Believe the success stories you read below 🙂 xxxx

    • highcaliberhair@gmail.com'
      Tracey
      August 6, 2017

      So happy for you AMB. I had a mother who was the same and thanks to M.T.E I have seen the light in dealing with my ex husband who is the same.. Loving life now!! TAB.

    • sonya.weiss@btinternet.com'
      Sonya
      August 10, 2017

      Well done for recognising your narc Boss. I also have a narc mother and it has always been an incredibly difficult abusive relationship – only recently realising that because of my conditioned relationsip with a narc (mother) other narcs may have crept into my life too – I now believe my last boss was a narc but did not realise this at the time, maybe because he seemed so in noccuous but used other people to do the dirty. I could improve the situation by fighting back but of course this only ended up in trauma and damage to me with the whole organisation turning on me – I wish I had, seen, like you, that the wisest and strongest action is to walk away – you must be incredibly strong to just ride out the storm of her fury – good luck in your new position

  • danieladinca2007@yahoo.com'
    Dani
    June 30, 2017

    Dear Melanie,

    Per aspera ad astra !!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 1, 2017

      Hi Dani,

      I had to google it!

      I love that!!!

      Sharing on Facebook its so gorgeous!

      Mel xo

      • elizabethhannahcc@outlook.com'
        Elizabeth Hannah
        August 6, 2017

        Melanie, I cannot thank you enough for the wording in your advice that has resonated so strongly with me. There is absolutely no doubt
        in my mind that my Mission is to Heal myself completely. A narc mirror is the perfect template for this healing to occur. I would never
        have imagined that this would be happening to me at this time in my life.

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          August 7, 2017

          Hi Elizabeth,

          you are very welcome 🙂

          Wishing you great blessings and healing. It’s your time.

          Mel xo

  • thewirestudio@hotmail.com'
    laura
    June 30, 2017

    you are so on it and enlightened , thank you for talking sense, the only one I can relate to on this stuff
    !

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 1, 2017

      Hi Laura,

      Awww, I am so pleased my information resonates with you!

      Mel xo

      • patty0669@gmail.com'
        P
        July 5, 2017

        I am stuck in the middle of this now and having an extremely hard time. This 6th discard in 3 years has put me in a place of job loss he caused now loss of my home and car. I’m having panic attacks and hiding out in my bedroom. He has blocked me from cell calls n texts. Last contact was june 21 via email. I said my last words to him and there’s been no contact either way since. I know eventually he will and I plan to ignore. I did all the wrong things. I did fight back. Stand up for myself and yes it only fed him power. He’s managed to change my entire life. My friends we had gone. My fun we shared gone. The place I thought I fit in for 3 years gone.
        He took my money….left me broke after looking me in the eyes in jan professing love and him here to help me. Once he got all he wanted he turned cold n arrogant. Blaming me everytime I reached out to ask for anything he had said.
        3 years lies cheating.. abuse… just feel so played like a fool. So many chances I gave obviously this is 6th time.I see now he only loved n came to me when he needed something. Which humiliates me more. I’ve thought of moving and to him vanishing where he loses the control of knowing where he could find me if he wanted to. I’m just so lost right now. I cry . Im ok for a bit. Then cry again. I feel like I have lost myself and he’s out living the high life that I helped him achieve.

        • Tgolden007@yahoo.com'
          Me 2 you
          July 7, 2017

          I have been going through something similar ( lies, cheating, no affection, etc.) for about 7 years . We don’t share many assets but we do have a 5 year old together. That is the hardest part. I wanted a loving family to grow old with and it is just fizzling away.. i

  • Rbrtsshar@gmail.com'
    Sharon
    June 30, 2017

    Thank you for this. There is currently a case against me pending in court and he is currently adding to his case with further false allegations and is using the police to harass me now after I was granted Non-harassment Orders a few months ago, after the trial against him. He made counter allegations that I am stalking him and even reversed our roles, telling the police I harassed him in a local bar. What actually happened was he came into the bar accusing various men of being my boyfriend, making threats and announcing he’s my boyfriend. I’d made it clear (many times) that there was no relationship. I wrote, returned all gifts and phoned him in an exasperated state telling him again to stop it, giving him the ‘stalking’ evidence. He’d been stalking me for 2 years to such an extent it felt safer seeing him, than not. It’s an absolutely horrendous situation and I am thankful to have the modules.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 1, 2017

      Hi Sharon,

      that is so good that you are working with NARP and shifting out the trauma.

      Pease know this Dear Lady when there is no charge left inside regarding him and what he is trying to do – that is when you will get the breakthrough on the outside.

      You are close – keep going … know that this is your goal.

      Mel xo

  • Skruse@tutanota.com'
    Susan
    June 30, 2017

    Excellent piece Melanie,
    I’m just starting dissoluton proceedings of my civil partnership with my narc, there has been a smear campaign and abuse by proxy from a therapist (of all people) my narc is friendly with now. Who has a history of abusing people too. Threats of reporting me to the authorities etc…
    As you advise I have ignored it all and I know it must drive them both nuts…my theory is give my narc enough rope and she’ii eventually hang herself…I have been blessed with so much support from friends and women in the gay community I don’t know that well but who have approached me and told me they know how this pair are operating.
    Genuine caring people, it’s been a godsend.
    I also plan to use Ross Rosenbergs trick “observe don’t obsorb” when I have to face her during negotiations.
    Keep up the wonderful work, it was a clip of yours that gave me my lightbulb moment about a year and a half ago and I wanted to thank you for opening my eyes to my unhealed stuff.

    • stephencoleman95361@yahoo.com'
      Stephen
      June 30, 2017

      My ex narc was in therapy for 2 years and the therapist never recognized she was a narc. I’ve also heard similar stories from others. Narcs can fool therapists into thinking they are poor Cinderellas and the world has dealt them a bad hand.

      • lorrainebernier_99@hotmail.com'
        Lorraine
        June 30, 2017

        Stephen.. you are so right!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 1, 2017

      Hi Susan,

      thank you and I am happy that you enjoyed it 🙂

      That is wonderful that you are detached, working on you and being empowered in this.

      You are so welcome Susan … I will, keep it up, and you keep Thriving too!

      Mel xo

  • susanmwyer@gmail.com'
    sue
    June 30, 2017

    thanks melonie the narc is ignoring all attempts I’m making to get to court to finalise property settlement which will realice me of entangle meant I’m in the house we built alone and the triggers are everywhere and i have little or no freinds around …he knows I’m struggling financially and emotionally …i have my solicitor as my front man but every day i deal with big time abandonment …he knows it …the longer he leaves me sitting here i think the more he thinks I’m gunna buckle …im not your healing models are keeping me going thnkyou so much …he thinks i want him back now theres a laugh

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 1, 2017

      Hi Sue,

      keep NARPing … you have named the parts inside that he triggers significantly – and when you heal and shore these up the whole thing with what is happening will shift.

      You are on your way to not only getting free from him, but also being freed into your True Self and True Life.

      It is sooo worth it!

      Mel xo

  • Lmpirrone@gmail.com'
    Talia
    June 30, 2017

    This is a great article. I’m currently in the middle of a divorce. Ignoring him is a work in progress. However, the struggle is that we have two children together. I’m sure you can fill in the blanks. I’m at my wits end….

    • Mlwieber@gmail.com'
      ML
      July 1, 2017

      I also have the issue of joint custody with a N. It’s horrendous because you can’t avoid completely, or detach, or ignore sometimes. You can be the “grey rock” and not respond with any emotions but instead remain flat & reply only to the facts. But the children will be polluted by the N & sometimes even mirror the N & the N tactics, which is so heartbreaking. It is a constant source of emotional wounding to me, when the children reflect the N’s toxic attitude and lies. I feel hopeless. All I can do is continue to work on myself, continue to be a wonderful person and model good character and behavior for the children. They have already been tainted by their N parent. Nothing can change that. I hope as they get older & wiser they will genuinely ‘SEE’ the authentic self of the N and they will choose to be healthy, honest, loving, caring, decent adults. Best of luck to you on this arduous journey.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 1, 2017

      Hi Talia,

      my heart goes out to you – and please know there are many people within the Community healing and freeing themselves, and creating models of healing for their children even when co-parenting.

      I have created many resources about this topic – you can google my name + our children + coparenting and you will see them.

      Also I can’t recommend enough that you connect to my most effective resources to heal and empower you and your children. They start here: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freestarterpackage

      Big hugs and I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • r.frangiosa@hotmail.com'
    Possum
    June 30, 2017

    Hi Mel,

    It is wonderful that you have emphasised the criticality of ignoring the N at all costs, in conjunction with the inner work on ourselves. This would be infinitely easier without children involved, as my ex-N uses fake scenarios involving their welfare as bait, together with litigation threats and ultimatums (ie that I will lose access to the girls, and he will put me in jail; is a common scenario). He sets me up for persecution on a regular basis – accusing me of weird and absurd things, or acts which he has done himself. Together with damaging the girls so that I have to witness their distress upon returning from his care.

    I have seen for myself that silence is like kryptonite to Narcs – and over time (2 years in my case) – they eventually realise that you have withdrawn their supply, and they must source it elsewhere in order to survive. I still have progress to make, but with NARP I have been able to shift my sense of worthlessness and complete helplessness in terms of being afraid for my safety and welfare, and that of my girls, to a solid sense of ‘knowing’, and no longer feeling compelled to defend myself against false allegations and nonsense. I am not afraid of the the many high level authorities that he has threatened me with, as I know the truth, and I am now indifferent to the character assassinations and what others may, or may not think. It is irrelevant in the scheme of things. My primary focus has and always will be, my precious girls, and turning our lives around to embrace the miracles which have already starting to come to us through our healing journey.

    And for that I have you to thank – for leading the way. I will never give up hope that things will complete turn around for the girls and I, when the time is right.

    Thanks Mel xxxxx

    • Mlwieber@gmail.com'
      ML
      July 1, 2017

      My N also uses the children against me, also inventing stories about their welfare, keeping them out of school, and leaving them home alone (9 yo) plus encouraging the 13 yo girl to be aggressive sexually & buying her lace thongs at 11! It’s frightening the extent the N will go for attention & drama, all the while psychologically damaging the children. It feels like a hopeless situation to me.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 1, 2017

      Hi Possum,

      yes it is easier when children not involved – however regardless of ties and what is involved … truly if we target exactly what is being triggered and up level that within us then Quantum Law states “the outer cannot continue delivering that” (so within / so without) … and we can forget that Absolute Law (of course) when BIG things (such as our children) are involved in our triggers.

      And you are SO on your way. Possum you should be so proud of how far you have come, just keep going – keep releasing all triggers regarding your children.

      Also please see the shifts happen with Devon regarding the healing work we did with her and her son (if you haven’t already).

      https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/shifts-happen-healing-the-traumas-closest-to-our-hearts-our-children/

      As a NARP Member you do have the ability to create miracles for you and your girls – regardless of the N.

      Big blessings Possum – you have GOT This!

      Mel xo

  • rabia13au@yahoo.com.au'
    Rabia
    June 30, 2017

    Thank you, Tonia. What a brilliant article. Very straight forward. Very Simple. Very clear. A very clear ABC of handing power over to the narcissist.

  • My_bba@yahoo.com'
    Hélène
    June 30, 2017

    This is probably the most best thing I’ve read of yours. N thats saying alot! 🙂
    Very informative, needed and succinct. Bravo
    Would that the whole world could read this article.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 1, 2017

      Hi Helene,

      thank you for your lovely comment.

      I wish more people could understand it too – hence this mission!

      Mel xo

  • Alexjones1965@yahoo.com'
    Sandy
    June 30, 2017

    Melanie – I’ve been seeing a therapist for 4 out of the 5 years I’ve been with my narcissist. She’s never used this term. His sister told me he was about a year after we started dating and not until I felt exhausted last month did I remember it. I have found you, books and other leaders of this personality disorder and am shocked at who I was involved with. It’s him. He checks off 95% of the boxes. I love this man so much and the pain is so deep right now. To know this has all been a mentally exhausting, torturess game, breaks my soul. I now see why he could be so cold and cruel, which I never understood. “Saying” he loved me, love of his life, and then treating me so horribly and detached. I get it. I walked away June 1st. We were in contact for the first time yesterday to exchange belongings. It set me back. Not because of any kindness, just the opposite. His coldness and emptiness strikes me still as a blow. I’m in the early stages of surviving a narcissist. I will though.

    I look forward to all your emails daily. I can do this, step by step. Thank you for your guidance through what I know now is a journey to a stronger self.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 1, 2017

      Hi Sandy,

      my heart goes out to you. It is so painful when we feel deeply in love with someone like this.

      Please dear lady check out NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp – it’s the beginning of deep cellular fast-track healing – which makes the journey so much easier.

      And if you want to sample Quanta Freedom Healing (which is the healing Modules in NARP) please come into my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar to feel the relief of releasing trauma directly out of your cells.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • lorrainebernier_99@hotmail.com'
    Lorraine
    June 30, 2017

    Guys, THIS WORKS!! I joined the Narp program in Jan 2016. I was breaking free from 7 years of narcissistic personality disorder abuse. I repeatedly done module 1 for weeks… then module 2. I cut all contact. I mean in every sense.. even stopped contact with mutual friends. My journey began and boy can i say that today… june 2017… i am a completely changed woman. My life is beautiful. I am free.. i smell the roses. I walk , talk with confidence. I am LIFE in every beautiful sense. ITS POSSIBLE.. YOU CAN DO IT!! 🙂

    • amanda.texagal@gmail.com'
      amanda bordenave
      July 1, 2017

      Good for You! So necessary to see light at the end of a very dark tunnell! Best wishes to you and continued healing, Thriving!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 1, 2017

      Hi Lorraine,

      I am so pleased you have had amazing results with NARP.

      Awww I LOVE That you are FREE and Thriving!

      This is True Life!!

      Bless 🙂

      Mel xo

    • vick.i@live.co.uk'
      Vicki
      August 13, 2017

      Congratulations Lorraine. It is so uplifting and inspiring to hear that you are free. I will read this every day until I reach freedom too. Thank you so much.

  • marlaneoneill@hotmail.com'
    Marlane
    July 1, 2017

    After recently leaving the narc he tried to threaten me with calling the police over a bogus claim of theft. I responded by calling them myself! I gave them the information and they agreed I was innocent of any wrongdoing. Then I gave him the number of the police dept. I told him never to dare try to threaten me ever again. Thank god he has stayed away since…I also said I never ever want to see him again. After his past hoovering I am happy to say that this time he isn’t hoovering. He got the message and I finally got closure!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 1, 2017

      Hi Marlane,

      how lovely you stood up without fear.

      N’s will only take us down when fear allows it.

      Great stuff!

      Mel xo

  • kaddawg@yahoo.com'
    ann k day
    July 1, 2017

    Dear Melanie,

    I,ve been reading /following your advice for 3 years. I had my last encounter with my ex-boyfriend. He would show up where i walk my dog every 6 months and literally ambush me..where i had no where to turn..pretty sick hoovering but after 3 yrs it was so predictable i marked my calendar a year ago on the days he did it..and a year later on the same day he showed up again! But i have been preparing for this moment and this time I just walked right by him like he was a tree…a dead lifeless tree at that. I wasn’t shaking afterward and my heart wasn’t beating fast which is what happened before.
    I was in COMPLETE CONTROL. Relaxed and it felt so right. I KNOW in my deepest self he will never return bc as you have stated, he no longer has any power over me and will not get any reaction from me. Done. Now, at 53 yrs old I have reclaimed my life and am hopeful and happy.

    Thank you for this article and I am actually happy it was not in video format today. Reading really makes you think more deeply about it.

    hugs to you and all you to to help ALL who have been damaged and hurt by a narcissist.

    ad

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 1, 2017

      Hi Ann,

      that is so awesome.

      And it’s true when we are in our power we do realise how powerless N’s are to affect us anymore.

      How beautiful you anchored into self and he became irrelevant.

      That is when they truly are!

      Mel xo

  • superscot2264@yahoo.ca'
    Marie
    July 1, 2017

    Mel,

    Thank you for posting this article today. I needed to read it, I want to tell you that it is so spot on, everything you say makes so much sense. I want so bad for people to see just what he’s really like and what he’s been doing and getting away with. I want the manipulative puppet master to be caught red handed, and I even want him to see ‘sense’ and change, but I know without a doubt that none of that is going to happen. He has brainwashed my children (we have 50-50) and he uses them to get his way. They will tell me they’ve discussed something they want with their dad, and if I don’t agree they tell me I’m obviously not looking out for what’s best for them but he is. Everything they say they want is really something he has decided is best for them, such as choosing a post secondary school and program. I know my daughter is choosing it because it’s close to his house, and she’s settling for this, academically she is capable of so much more. She’s loyal to him and because I try to speak up he tells them I just don’t have their best interests at heart, and of course they believe him. They are teens, and they just don’t see the manipulation, they also don’t see that deep down they are scared of him. I can only hope in years to come they will.

    I have never once bad mouthed him to them, as I am not interested in trying to ruin the father/daughter relationship. The problems lie between him and I, they deserve a father, having said that, I see the poison he is feeding them and I cannot do anything to help them, they are loyal, they believe he is the victim and if I were to say anything bad about him they wouldn’t believe me anyway. i cannot believe someone is capable of being so horrible, so evil yet he can live with himself and be okay with his behaviour. I know somewhere inside he is hurting, and this is how he deals with it rather than heal himself.

    I want to be able to take your information and use it to change my life, I want to ignore him totally. Can someone to tell me exactly how I’m supposed to do that when I share custody? When my kids come and tell me they’ve made big decisions with their dad I know he purposely chooses things for them that he knows I’ll have an issue with so that it can look like I’m being difficult, further reinforcing the ‘your mother doesn’t want the best for you’ crap that he feeds them. My back is against a wall, I am so tired of his behaviour and I want more than anything to have nothing to do with him. I just don’t know how to do that with the custody situation. I feel like this is never going to change.

    I’m so sorry to ramble on, I would really appreciate it if I could find some advice on how to keep my distance from him yet still share the children with him without allowing the children to bully me into doing what ‘he’ wants!
    Thanks so much, please keep up the good work you do. It is amazing, YOU are amazing!!

    • Mlwieber@gmail.com'
      ML
      July 1, 2017

      You & I are in similar boats. With joint 50/50 custody we can not ignore and detach completely. And our children are being manipulated & damaged & poisoned by their own parent, an N. It is truly heartbreaking and will never end because of the kids. I do my best to not react, stick to the facts, and to be un-emotional & flat (grey rock) in my communication with N. But I can do nothing about the pollution being fed the children. It’s heartbreaking & I feel hopeless. I have been following this blog for years & have been doing my own inner healing work, seeing a therapist for almost a year, doing yoga, meditation, but, I am sorry, no one has any truly constructive advice for those of us sharing custody with an N. Making the N accountable or decent is like trying to hold a slippery eel… Impossible. So we do our best to be shining examples of positive people with good character in hopes that the children will see the truth as they mature. It’s an arduous road ahead. I wish us both the best of luck.

      • superscot2264@yahoo.ca'
        Marie
        July 1, 2017

        Well said ML. I think all we can do is focus on healing ourselves, exactly like you said, following the blog, meditation etc. These tools definitely help us to cope, but they don’t give us that sure thing, that way to make the necessary changes. I too wish both of us the best of luck, and I hope we find some concrete help that we can use and change our lives with. In the meantime, we have to be the best we can be for our children, loving them unconditionally and we must continue to hope that as they mature, they come to understand the truths being kept from them by their N.
        Be strong! All the best.

        • lbeiger@hotmail.com'
          Lolo
          July 3, 2017

          Hello Marie and ML, I have been in the same boat too. I strongly urge you to use the NARP program to heal. I am now on the other side. I made a commitment to address my inner wounding and it has changed my life. The ex-narc has no power over me and that despite my 16 year-old daughter living with him in another country. My 17 year-old son lives with me and is thriving beyond measure. My daughter is on her own path and I’ve come to terms with that. She is fine, excelling academically and is making her choices. BUT what is extraordinary is how well I am doing. I trust life and feel my world is in constant expansion at 51. I am surrounded by supportive, creative and healthy people. I have stepped into my own and am developing my dreams.
          Try Mel’s webinar, you won’t regret it. As we heal, our children heal no matter how exposed they are to the narc parent. That is my experience.
          Lots of love.

          • superscot2264@yahoo.ca'
            Marie
            July 5, 2017

            Hi Lolo,

            Thank you for reaching out. I am so happy you are now on the other side. I really want to do the work to get me there, deep down I know I deserve it. I need to make that commitment to myself just like you did. I am so scared that if I gain any strength for myself it may seem to my kids that I’m all about me and i fear I may just send them running to him and that will totally change my relationship with them. I know I cannot change whatever he has up his sleeve to try and win them away from me, I just don’t want to lose my relationship with them, but unless and until I do the work, I won’t see any real change. I know I need to let go of trying to keep a relationship with them, instead I need to work on changing and strengthening me, and then my relationship with them will change for the better I’m sure of it. Then we will all heal. I will try Mel’s webinar and I will join the NARP program.
            Thanks so much. All the best.
            xo

          • Melanie Tonia Evans
            July 6, 2017

            Hi Marie,

            I just wanted to pop in quickly and urge you to know this.

            When you become whole and empowered it is the BEST thing you could ever do for your kids.

            Where your energy goes, theirs follows. And if we don’t heal – our kids are up for adult battles too.

            Trauma continues … until someone heals it. Then it stops.

            Please do what is going to help You and Them!

            Mel xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 1, 2017

      Hi Marie,

      It’s my pleasure 🙂

      How brave it is of you to self-reflect and be so honest!

      Marie, the biggest and most powerful steps we can make is the deep releasing of our trauma that is being triggered and the re-programming of our subconscious painful programs which are handing power away and struggling to generate power in situations. .

      Then we just ARE different in it all – and we start generating the results that do serve us.

      Have you come into one of my free webinars to learn how to do that deep inner work? That is what changes everything – then the rest starts unfolding and falling into place. http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope this helps, and please know you won’t understand WHY, in regard to what I have said above, until you experience it first-hand.

      Then after you have had the “shift” in the webinar – it will make perfect sense, and you will see the way through.

      Mel xo

      • fatboyfrank2006.fw@gmail.com'
        Kay
        July 20, 2017

        Melanie,
        I am religiously following your wisdom.
        As difficult as it has been, it is backfiring, he is now tainting and using my teenage children. I am deathly afraid of this man who i have been with for 30 years. On top of it all, he is a police officer. Above the law. He has smeared my reputation in our small community as a cheat, drug abuser, and thief. He has taken anything and everything of value from me, and it was alot.i have no money to fight him legally and am drained emotionally. Now my poor children are being used as pawns causing such havoc. My eldest lies in bed all day , depressed. My other are exibiting rebellious behavioural and physical symptoms, ibs, etc… he has alienated all friends and family and can turn this around in his head that it is all my fault and they are just casualties. I need this to end. Please tell me how?

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          July 21, 2017

          Hi Kay,

          my heart goes out to you – and Kay the only thing I know that works, that ever works, is to release the trauma in our body about this at the deep cellular level – then outside of us … it must cease.

          Truly and that is the inner work that the NARP Program is all about.

          That is how myself and others broke free from the most horrendous of circumstances.

          Are you working with NARP – that is the key.

          Mel xo

  • soniajgale@yahoo.com'
    Sonia Gale
    July 1, 2017

    Brilliant article Melanie. I have huge problems with a narcissist deliberately trying to bait me into reacting and punishing me by exclusion from his family every single time I appear to threaten his Ego self. Boy, have I struggled with this as my childhood trauma was complete exclusion from my own family by a narcissistic father and weak mother who just went along with the punishment he gave me to ‘keep the peace’. Your programme of recovery and reading your articles is really helping me to work hard at healing my own childhood wounds instead of wasting energy trying to get back at the narcissist and ‘make him see’ that I don’t deserve his punishment. I realise now this is a completely pointless exercise and I must focus on myself. Thank you for your brilliant articles, they really help!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 1, 2017

      Hi Sonia,

      thank you and I am so pleased you enjoyed it 🙂

      How wonderful that you have turned inwards to love and heal this original wound back to wholeness.

      Keep going – you are doing SO well.

      So true … make it all about you … That’s where the freedom is.

      Bless!

      Mel xo

  • lara.esq@gmail.com'
    L
    July 1, 2017

    My ex narcissist is currently trying to punish me by discarding, and replacing me quickly and easily. I had finally gotten strong and broke contact. When he hoovered his way back in by claiming a professional excuse, he insisted it was him who broke it off. I realized that it doesn’t matter. As long as there IS no contact, I don’t care. The trauma triggered by him runs so deep in my DNA that this healing process feels as though I am digging my way out of hell. I know that this experience is a blessing, although extremely painful, because it has caused me to face the unhealed parts of me. He still tries to punish me. I have no contact with him anymore, but energetically I have a lot of work to do. I am only four months into this process, and I have faith that this will work.

    Melanie, your program is the only thing that really caused quick shifts within me. Although talk therapy is very helpful during the healing process, the emotional and energetic healing that needs to happen requires digging deeper. I thank you for the blessing of your program, and I appreciate the struggle that led you to discover it. I believe all of us here are discovering our souls’ purpose through this painful process. But if we have to tunnel our way out of hell, I thank God that we are not alone, and that we all have some help.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 1, 2017

      Hi L,

      how wonderful you are self-partnering and meeting and healing you.

      I totally agree, when we have MASSIVE DNA traumas this seems like the hardest thing we will ever do …
      Yet, it was the ONLY way we were ever going to be released into our True Life.

      So much love to you for your courage.

      L you’ve got this – and I have no doubt you are a Thriver Story in the making!

      You are not alone L, none of us are … this is collective healing of humanity we are all connected in on. And it’s so special … it’s time 🙂

      Thank you for being a part of it!

      Mel xo

  • ngemarius@gmail.com'
    M
    July 1, 2017

    My ex narcissist try to destroy me to death .just come out last month from jail for bridging intervention order and i need to do 130h community work just because we need to share our children and some property my life become a nightmare with this person abusing every single person she know make false statement to the police child protection .i find this blog and change my life just a week ago and change my life .i believe what Melanie do is a bless for people suffering from narcissist abuse .thank you Melanie!

  • casting@sasharobertson.com'
    Sash Robertson
    July 1, 2017

    Thanks so much Melanie. Your emails come in always at the right time. I have had a difficult week. Trying to negotiate a divorce but when I speak to him now the punishment, the things he says get worse and worse. He also threatens to put me in prison, says he has documentation. I don’t think there is anything he could put me in prison for but he says it with such conviction and brutality that it triggers me even so. I continue to keep things as normal as possible for our teenage children who spend a lot of time with him and he seems to be perfectly pleasant to them. He tells me he is traveling with his new girlfriend to the places that we planned to go when the kids were older. This triggers me the most and the punishment he inflicts on me gets right in there. I am left feeling broken and powerless and hopeless. I don’t know why still I expect anything different from him. I have been doing NARP for a while but feel like there is something I am missing because I am still so triggered by him. It’s impossible to have no contact because of our 2 children but I have to keep trying because I can feel the damage he is doing to me. Everything you write makes so much sense. I pray for the day that I feel indifferent, neutral towards him and free from the pain. I am not there yet. Sash xx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 5, 2017

      Hi Sash,

      I am so pleased this was timely for you.

      Sash, it is so about taking ourselves out of the firing line and then working on the wounds. And setting up a way to communicate regarding settlements and even custody that involves third parties.

      He will keep hurting you if you can. If you are working with strict modified contact then he can’t.

      No Contact and Modified Contact for real is when we stop hurting ourselves and when we realise that trying to go back in to get a different results is torturing ourselves.

      The real truth is we need to meet and heal those parts that want the narcissist to provide us with something different.

      Whilst you are still hooked in and on the firing line, it is going to be near impossible to heal what he is triggering. The boundaries need to go up, and the space achieved first.

      We truly can’t have it both ways – indulge our hooked in state and try to heal simultaneously. True healing only happens when we break away and take full responsibility to heal our own wounds.

      Does this make sense and help?

      Mel xo

    • yumitakanz@outlook.com'
      NewMeNZ
      August 11, 2017

      Hi Sash, I just read your story and gosh… I just want to say I am in the same situation!!
      I will write my own comment later but my ex / his lawyer is trying to say that I am a thief ( because I changed car ownership – after I waited for 5 months for him to reply through the lawyer) , he went to Jerusalem where Jesus was crucified with his mistress and showed his pictures to our friends – just because I am a Christian ( well, he supposed to be too but not the mistress) and we spoke about going there one day. He wants to hurt me for sure. I am doing No contact now and I feel better. I used to get so hurt by his action or hear what he has been doing. But I am now over it. I have not responded to any of his emails. I have 18 years old son and he is completely confused. My ex uses him so bad even he forwards all my lawyer’s emails to my son….!! We are together, Sash. Hanging there!!

  • aftokinito3@gmail.com'
    Afina
    July 1, 2017

    Hi all, some advice if possible. Im down the line of recovery and feeling much stronger after 28 years with a narc. Problem is I am wealthy and this nutjob fully believes he is entitled to a large payoff before he leaves my house. It is my house, a valuable one at that which I bought and paid for myself- but because he has lived in it while the kids were raised he feels half of it is his and is furious that I wont send him on his way with a large wad of cash. Our youngest is still of school age yet he has not contributed towards him for weeks now because I wont give him any money. He truely believes it is his right and it is not. He has spent the last 6 years with the most horrendous devalueing tactics to manipulate me into doing this and breaking up our family in the belief that assets would be divided when I finally kicked him out. However we never married and the law is not on his side. His obsession with money and envy over my lovely lifestyle brings narc rage on a daily basis now. If I had no money he would have disappeared years ago but I have a lot of what he loves the most and I dont think I will ever be free of him. He has told me this week that if I dont pay him he will physically smash me up and everyone will understand why and forgive him. He is collapsing and with no money feels he has nothing to lose. Help.
    Thanks Mel for your posts they have helped me so much through this.
    A

    • jraltizer@gmail.com'
      Julia
      July 4, 2017

      Classic! I have had similar experiences with my Narc. When I bought my condo I was single. The lawyer made a point of telling me that it was mine and mine only and when I married unless I put someone else’s name on it – the condo would still be mine. My Narc was unhappy because his name was not on the deed. He refused to pay for anything because the home wasn’t his. I never put his name on it. He went on and married someone else a few years down the road. One day I received a call from the bank. They had a few questions about a $60K loan application I was taking out with “my husband”. I told them I was not taking out a loan. Apparently he (and possibly his new wife) had forged my name on the loan application and was trying to get money out of my house! The loan officer of course tore up the application and apologized for bothering me! I called Mr. Narc and questioned him about it. He just laughed and said if the loan officer was stupid enough to give him the loan then that was the loan officer’s problem!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 5, 2017

      Hi Afina,

      the breaking free from this – truly is always the inner job.

      This article may help you really resonate and click into the knowing of “what to do”.

      https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/why-wont-the-narcissist-leave-me-alone/

      Yes you will be rid of him, I promise when all hooks, guilt and every other reason why he can affect your emotionally is released and unlevelled.

      Then there will be no “glue” holding it together and he must go elsewhere.

      Bless and know you can heal this.

      Mel xo

  • kgilbert473@gmail.com'
    Cath
    July 2, 2017

    This is such great advice and it works! My narc of 20yrs is a therapist so the mind games have been immense. No contact is such a powerful tool. I am still struggling with figuring ‘me ‘ out, but after such a long time I guess it’s not going to happen over night.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 5, 2017

      Hi Cath,

      that is so wonderful that you are doing No Contact and working on you.

      Please know that when we have Quantum Tools where we can reach, access and heal at the subconscious level, the “figuring it out” (which is the old paradigm and the long way around) is over – and true healing begins.

      Please come into my free workshop – and you will learn (and experience) exactly what I’m talking about.

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

  • 4iamme2@gmail.com'
    Diane
    July 2, 2017

    Hi Melanie,
    One of the best things I have ever done for myself was to sign up for your blogs. Your words, together with the comments of others, have helped me tremendously in my quest for escaping my narcissist (now) ex-husband. We were together for 20 years and have no children. I have been away for a year and 2 months but have been unable to eliminate him from my life mainly because he lives in my house (which I stupidly signed 1/2 of it over to him years ago) across the street from my 99 year old dad. I visit my dad regularly and my ex makes sure that he is outside and clearly visible when I am there. I am currently living about a mile away. He has become a nuisance by stealing my garbage, throwing tokens in the driveway, and, lately he is bringing directly to me the house bills he expects me to pay. No, I am not paying his bills. I am in counseling with a therapist now but was wondering if you know of or could recommend someone (or group counselling) who specializes in narcissism in the New Orleans area. Thank you for all you have done for me.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 5, 2017

      Hi Diane,

      I am so please this material and Community are helping to grant you strength, and it is wonderful that you are signed up to the New Life newsletter series.

      Diane have you come into the free workshop experience? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      The reason I ask is because I thoroughly believe real healing can only take place at a deep subconscious level, when we have healing tools that address our trauma at that level. Many of us, myself included, spent years trying to heal through therapy and groups etc. but discovered it did not get us up and out of the trauma or the connection to and abuse from the narcissist.

      I actually don’t recommend any cognitive based groups or therapist for that reason – even though of course I encourage anyone who believes they wish to access those resources to follow their own truth.

      The NARP Program http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and NARP Community http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member is a platform and healing system that myself and thousands of people (global) have worked with to experience unprecedented healing results for narcissistic abuse.

      The NARP Community (which is only NARP Members) is a specialised profound healing group for N-abuse, that is unlike any resource in the world. The members, Thrivers and Moderators are loving, supportive and proactive in releasing and up levelling trauma and claiming free and great lives.

      There is no other N-abuse recovery system in the world (humbly) that we have ever heard of that works as effectively. If there was I would be recommending it!

      There are members in NARP from all over the world including Boston. The “meeting place” and coaching and healing is on-line, and there are absolutely local members who have got together in person – but in no way is that necessary to profoundly heal.

      What is necessary is the use and training of the right tools to release our Inner Being from trauma and powerless programs so that we CAN heal.

      Please know the NARP Community is an incredible “family” of like-minded, amazing souls.

      I hope this information helps.

      Mel xo

  • Schooljudy@comcast.net'
    Judifer
    July 3, 2017

    Thank you for this information. It makes sense to me and I can understand the expectations of the healing process.
    In reference to these words near the end of the article… “People who want to join the narcissist can, but we have ourselves and other people in our life who know who we are.”…
    What if my circle of family and friends is small to begin with, and none are supportive or safe now that I’m settting boundaries?
    I have been learning how to work with NARP on my inner wounds for a while now. It seems I am able to uncover more and more traumas BUT am not able to uplevel and replace them with good.
    Combine this with watching people who were my support system pull away, and I feel extremely alone, discouraged and hopeless.

  • triciajoelle@gmail.com'
    Trish
    July 3, 2017

    This was great! Instead of resasoning, arguing, rationalizing with the idiot… ingoring! So much less effort!. Live in N always picks of a fight during holidays, and here it is the Fourth of July. Every weekend we have a “to do” list (we’re reahabbing a house), and he pulls a silent treatment and lets me hang- doing the work myself. So, yesterday when he left for over 12 hours- I had no idea when he was coming back or where he went…. I did the work myself. 14 hours of painting a detached garage and digging up an overgrown garden. But I got out of my anger and thought- “but isn’t this so much better? No arguiing with every breath/ decision?” I decided to enjoy the solitude. When he got back I talked to the dog, but not him. Today= 6 am- he’s gone. Usually if it is to get coffee, he’s gone only 15 minutes. I expected to be working on the house by myself again… and I will enjoy it. And he’ll eventually be “oh so nice’ in a day or two… Not falling for it.IGNORING HIM! Thanks for the best advice ever!

    • triciajoelle@gmail.com'
      Trish
      July 3, 2017

      WOAH! This is not that easy! “IGNORING”! He came “home” and my trigger has him up his butt with sarcasm. Not that he let me hang on the work yesterday (which would’ve been normal for me). Then he’s happy, whistling, and I’m more furious. This time its for coming back home… and another day of hell. This is not easy AT ALL! I went out to cool off. And it the tie is back in place… the energy string was reconnected.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        July 5, 2017

        Hi Trish,

        that energy string does stay connected until we heal that part of ourselves that is trying to make them responsible for our life.

        Then we cut loose and go onto expereince REAL components of life and people who are genuine.

        Have you signed up to my free resources http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freestarterpackage to learn how to do this?

        It changes everything when we do – we get off the “groundhog” day of getting hooked in and being back at square one.

        Narcissistic abuse doesn’t change.

        Mel xo

    • jraltizer@gmail.com'
      Julia
      July 3, 2017

      This is so typical! Ours always pulls a lot of drama when there is work to be done around the house like painting etc. Two years ago he had a very bad accident and was in the hospital for three weeks and incapacitated for quite a while. Our son looked at me and said “Let’s clean house!”. This is something we cannot possibly do when he is well. We took loads and loads of hoarder stuff to the dump. He has a habit of going through my personal stuff so I took the opportunity to take a lot of my stuff to a storage facility. It is so nice to paint and clean house when they are not around.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 5, 2017

      Hi Trish,

      that is wonderful that you are detaching and honouring you.

      Please be aware that he will probably change tactic, or even discard now that you are not supplying him attention.

      And if so, accept that … cut your losses if you need to, heal and move on into your True Life.

      That’s what this period of your life is all about.

      Wishing you strength and courage.

      Mel xo

  • jan.ferrante@gmail.com'
    Jan
    July 5, 2017

    I’ve thought quite a bit about the healing aspect of basically re-enacting the original trauma with the narcissist for healing but I just can’t get it. It feels much more likely creating another very thick scar to grow a new shoot from perhaps.

    Could someone explain to me the healing process of recreating trauma?

  • Gadgettt1969@gmail.com'
    WM
    July 5, 2017

    It’s taken me six years but I’m now fully aware that ‘confronting’ or trying to reason with the N gives him permission to verbally beat me to a pulp. I’m sworn at, called names and told how pathetic I am. It is so not worth it. I think it’s a release for him, he has to try antagonise me so he can expel all that hatred outward at me. Also makes him feel powerful.

    It is always hard to move on when he continues to stalk me and make contact. As long as I live here he will continue to get me to re-engage. I neither show affection or distaste, he gets a big sack full of indifference. It’s the only way. That man feeds off my emotions like a leech. Ick.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 6, 2017

      Hi WM,

      The first step is you letting go – physically (No Contact) … as well as exorcising anything remaining from inside of you.

      This article may help.

      https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/why-wont-the-narcissist-leave-me-alone/

      Also have you accessed my free resources – because one of the publications is all about how to create No Contact for real … http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freestarterpackage

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • gadgettt1969@gmail.com'
        WM
        July 6, 2017

        Thank you Melanie, I’m going to read it now.

        It’s emotionally exhausted me. He tells me he is too busy for me, and that is absolutely fine, so I go get busy myself and the stalking campaign begins. He hunts me down so often I am constantly changing my routine. It’s horrible. I’m going to read your article now.

        I love your articles, and what you give to us all. Thank you so much.

  • alexa.mcorreia@gmail.com'
    Maria
    July 5, 2017

    Dearest Melanie,

    You’re my nurturing support haven, specially when I get stuck or feel that I’m falling back and for that I’m So Very Grateful to You, Thank You So Very Much, for all the help you’ve been giving to me for more than a year now!

    In 2013 I feel for someone whom I later came to realize not being the love of my life, at all!
    He destroyed and hurt me in ways unimaginable. I got so thin, weak, lost all my hair, had fainting spells, ansiety attacks, no energy, felt like doing nothing and just being alone, couldn’t concentrate much less work and was prescribed anti-depressants, which I took for some months.
    In January 2016 I made this commitment to myself that I couldn’t go on like that, I had to think about my daughter and myself. So, slowly slowly I started doing some courses, practising sports, started cooking and eating healthier and even put on some hair extensions, to look better. Started taking care of myself and really enjoying doing it.
    So I slowly began healing and now feel a lot better.
    But sometimes I receed. You see, I have to work with him… So it’s like this: every once in a while he will simply not talk to me, ignore me, or when he speaks he’ll always have a harsh tone and on top of all I stopped being assigned whatever work, ’cause us breaking up lead him to “loose trust in me” so he says. I use that time to work on my healing; reflecting, reading, listening and writting on my dairy.

    The thing is, sometimes I feel really bad. As if I regret him for treating me that way, like what’s happening today. Maybe it’s my need for external validation? But why would I want validation from a narcissist?? What’s wrong with me???

    Thank you in advance, if you can spare a few minutes dear Melanie <3

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 6, 2017

      Hi Maria,

      what this means is there is still an inner trauma, a young unhealed Program within that is being triggered.

      All this means and requires is the finding of it and releasing it.

      Have you considered doing the NARP Program Maria? http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      It shows you how to track triggers back to traumas and faulty belief systems and release and reprogram them – so that they simply don’t exist.

      Even though you have come a long way on your own (and well done for your beautiful self-efforts) maybe it is time to have a Quantum Tool in your kit bag to easily up-level traumas and anything at all that is limiting you and holding you back?

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • alexa.mcorreia@gmail.com'
        Maria
        July 6, 2017

        Thank you so very much for your reply dearest Melanie.

        I will def check about the NARP Program straight away.

        Much love and please do continue inspiring and helping us all out here!

  • dwillig323@gmail.com'
    Deborah
    July 6, 2017

    Hello Melanie,
    I have been reading and listening to your Thriver series for over a year now after being in a 15 year relationship I was blindsided, betrayed and discarded in a 2 minute phone call. Although I realize that my insecurities and thoughts of having to provide for others to feel loved led me to this unhealthy relationship I find myself still struggling with beliefs that we were meant to be together, that he was my soulmate – my head and heart are not in the same place. I have had no contact with him since his betrayal and the few times that we have run into each other at local places I have been able to completely ignore him. However, it destroys me for several days and throws me off of my healing process whenever this happens. It makes me angry and I feel pathetic that he can still have such a hold on my heart. I have recently joined a dating site and am getting messages from many men who are showing interest and although I felt like I was ready to move on yesterday I received a group IM message from a friend and somehow even though he is not friends with her he responded on my IM to the post with just his gf’s name. I already have him blocked from from my phone and Facebook and researched how to remove him from this group although I’m not sure if that will keep him off of other posts to me. What bothers me is that this was enough to send me into a tail spin of emotions, grief and anger. He is not good for me, I know I deserve so much better but my heart is hanging on and I can’t figure out why and why I can’t move on to find true happiness. I don’t feel like I have a huge amount of inner baggage to heal I’ve looked inward and realized where the feelings have come from childhood but I’ve released all that and am in a good place in my life with very supportive people who love and care for me, including his daughter who is the one who initially told me to look up NPD and Sociopaths and is NC from his abusive behavior as well as she has decided not to let the manipulation and abusive behavior continue in her life for her sake and the sake of her child. We have been very close this last 16 months and although everyone tells me to cut ties with her, she and I have a bond after going through the same things with the same person and have been able to understand and support one another. She understands me when I text or talk to her about something I’m going through and I’m able to offer that same knowledge and support to her. She recently married and although she did not invite her Father to the wedding she invited me and my granddaughter, who I have adopted and was part of her Father’s life and her child’s life for the last 7 years. I made her wedding cake for her because I love and care so much for her, but I chose not to attend the wedding 1. to spare her the questions from friends and relatives why we were there and her Dad was not and 2. because I did not want to stir up feelings when I feel like I’ve been on such a good path to recovery, and she understood. It makes me angry that every time I feel like I’m moving forward any little thing can set me back a few days in recovery. I don’t want this to continue on for years I want it to end, now. I want to be able to move on to a loving relationship with a healthy man, but where I am now I just can’t take that step.
    I want to be in a place where I can get through a day without him invading my thoughts, after 15 years it seems I can’t go anywhere that a memory or thought isn’t triggered. How can I turn this off, for good? I don’t want to suffer through this for years I’m ready to move on and away from this trauma now.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 6, 2017

      Hi Deborah,

      I so understand your pain … the terrible analysis paralysis we are in after N-abuse, without relief from the terrible thoughts that go around and around and around without closure.

      This Dear Lady is all a symptom of trapped trauma within.

      The solution for GOOD is to release the trauma – then everything heals.

      Please come into my FREE Workshop, and I’ll hold your hand and help you get a real release. You will feel relief and hope as well as understand this is the way we CAN heal from this.

      It’ the way forward and up and out – and it’s time.

      Enough is enough …

      http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

  • Nicolaharrington3@gmail.com'
    Nicola
    July 6, 2017

    I found my way here through a self help group. I sit here and read and had to keep stopping. I started feeling nauseated and my head hurt so bad. I got out my journal and wrote….I didn’t even know what I was writing…I memory as a child a trauma was coming to the surface. I wrote and didn’t stop. I felt a drip and my nose was bleeding. My whole body felt traumatized. Is this the pain and trauma releasing itself. I am not sure what was happening I allowed myself to feel whatever it was but physically I felt so ill for that moment. Scared and impending doom like feeling my head pounding it is horrible. I don’t want to go into my now story with my husband as I feel drained from this experience. I am just so unsure what happened. I am thinking although it was bad it was also good. I know I am Co dependant and this relationship has brought so much to the surface about who I am I want to take this journey and finally be free although it scares me.

  • alessandrajouberteix@gmail.com'
    Alessandra
    August 2, 2017

    Dear Melanie,
    I have come to the painful realization that I am a Narcissist myself. I feel horrified to realized that I fit the picture perfectly. I have been doing the program and healing lots of inner wounding, very intense work for me.
    Yet, after three months of diligently working on healing myself, I come to the realization that I have not been only co-dependent, yet a narcissist too.
    How do I heal myself from this?

  • msviking212@msn.com'
    Carol
    August 7, 2017

    My life has been entirely wasted for decades. I gave up & felt I had no one to turn to. I kept so much to myself & now I’m tired of it. With the help of good people, I recently found & articles like this, I went no contact. although, I still love him, like the fool that I’m, I know it has to be over. PERIOD!! We haven’t talked, for two weeks. I weakened several times, so I read his horrid words & I toughened up & will not bother with him. He thinks, he’s punishing me, because he is also doing no contact. Although it hurts, I’m leaning on divorce, but I am terrified, because I’m afraid of him. He had his hands around my throat twice. Once, in front of our 11 year old daughter. I can’t afford a divorce, so I’m looking into getting help or expanding my work & hopefully, make enough money, to divorce him. I never want to see him again. We are done, but what worries me, what will he do, when he realizes it.

  • laurencardinale@embarqmail.com'
    Lauren
    August 8, 2017

    So glad I found you, MTE!!

    Believe it or not, I’m still questioning whether or not my husband is NPD. My gut tells me otherwise, but “can it really be?!”. It was typical – he was NPD, I was co-dependent – a match made in subconscious heaven. Issues started when I was done being co-dependent (i.e. superwoman) and his narcissism was directed at our two boys. Hell hath no fury like a mom who’s children are scorned! He would “go” at them, so I would “go” at him – vicious cycle – he always blames the boys for everything. It’s exhausting. My older son has asked me not to divorce, although he also says “I’m sorry you have to go through this”, but I am about to ask him for separation. I’ve been saying for about 4 years that things need to change and i am NOT facilitating the change for him (i.e. finding a therapist, making the appointments, etc. – which has been done in the past). Nothing has changed, so I believe it is time and I am pretty freaked out about it – mainly for our kids. Heard of your information and it came at a GREAT time. I’m going to dive in and check out everything I can! Thank you!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 8, 2017

      Hi Lauren,

      I am so glad you did too!

      Please do know at the end of the day “who they are” is not that important.

      What is, is us becoming conscious, knowing our worth and our truth and generating it. And if people can rise up to meet us at a level of healthy – they will – and if not we move on.

      It sounds like you are getting there.

      If you follow all the starter pack information – http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freestarterpackage that will unravel and lead you up and out of this!

      Wishing you many blessings and incredible healing.

      Mel xo

  • yumitakanz@outlook.com'
    NewMeNZ
    August 11, 2017

    Hi, Mel

    I have been reading your blogs everyday and I also put some comments before, too. Thank you so much for helping us. You are doing such an awesome job!
    Now, I just wonder if you can give me some advice on my situation.

    I am processing of separation from my ex and he is in overseas. I have put my separation order on January and I am trying to get out of this mess asap. However, he is making so difficult in everything, but he is not putting any money into our mortgage or credit card, our overdraft account is now over the limit. So banks are calling me and I am the only one can get hold of so they just keep on calling me. I applied the mortgage holiday but he refused to sign but finally signed it. He refused to signed the sales and purchase document to sell our house, finally signed but it is a conditional offer. Now, we got second offer which is unconditional offer but he refused to sign since he wanted to settle ‘ nest year January’!! But I disagree since our mortgage holiday is expiring this month, this house ( which is rented) has not tenanted but they are leaving next week, so we basically can’t afford to keep this house for that long. I am now so upset that if this first offer is not going to be unconditional by next month, we might really have to accept that our house will be mortgagee sale..

    In contrast, he has been emailing me and trying to call me by not only normal phone, but viber, whatsapp, etc. I blocked all of them. I only receives emails but I ask my friend to read it first. So I am doing No contact as much as I can. I am not replying to any of his communication except through the lawyers.

    When I am in this kind of situation, like when Narc is punishing me like this in finance and all aspect of my life, how can I ignore it or how can I keep myself strong and keep going? In the middle of separation, I find it is so difficult to ‘ ignore’ his action or punishment even you are doing ” No contact’.

    Please give us advice on this.. I am sure there are many of us who are in similar situation like me…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 11, 2017

      Hi NewMeNZ,

      You are very welcome and I am so pleased I can help.

      I’d love to help.

      The truth is Ns will do anything they can to trigger us into fear, pain and powerlessness.

      How we get out of that is to do the inner work on the parts of us that are triggered – then things shift. And its hard to understand until you stop trying to sort it out on an outer level and heal it on an inner level. It really needs to be experienced to be understood and then experience how things change.

      When there is no trauma left inside, trauma stops happening outside. We become the change we wish to see.

      This may help with this NewNwNZ https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-real-reason-why-the-narcissist-punishes-you/

      I so hope this can help – and I’d love you to come into my free workshop to learn how to shift the trauma out so that he simply doesn’t get to you anymore: http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      Mel xo

      • yumitakanz@outlook.com'
        NewMeNZ
        August 12, 2017

         Thank you so much for your reply!

        I have read the blog that you sent to me. I sort of do understand. I must have some unhealed wound inside me..

        I am interested in webinar but is your schedule time in Melbourne time???

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          August 12, 2017

          Hi NewNeNZ,

          it’s my pleasure 🙂

          The Webinar times can be chosen for your time zone, as well as a time that suits you. Please know if you are not sure how to nominate – please contact support@melanietoniaevans.com and one of my lovely staff will help you.

          Mel xo

          • yumitakanz@outlook.com'
            NewMeNZ
            August 13, 2017

            Thank you, Mel

            I will contact them.

            NewMeNZ

  • Stimpybird@gmail.com'
    Bes
    August 14, 2017

    I don’t ever feel we are going to get away from the narc in our lives. The narc in question is the mother of my partner’s children. When I first met him I was concerned that maybe he was the narc due to far-fetched stories of the ‘crazy ex’. As I got to know him more I realised his prickly defensive behaviour was PTSD as I watched his IBS and back problems flare whenever he suffered abuse from her. The woman is a nightmare, she accuses him of domestic abuse including physical, emotional and sexual, and there have been allegations that I have abused her when I smiled at her. That we are both abusing the children. She has turned up on our door and caused trouble, left the children’s belongings on our door step when she knows we are away to cause stress that they will get damaged or stolen. The first time I met her she text him to say I was fat and ugly and then blamed him for causing the upset by showing me what she said? She tells the children and anyone that will listen that my partner tried to kill her, having a then five year old asking why daddy tried to kill mummy is utterly heart breaking. The children are terrified of her as she rules her house like a total dictator. The children are not allowed to talk about either of us in her presence and she constantly tries to alienate and slander the both of us to the children, anyone that will listen, social media and the authorities. All the time claiming she is the victim and she wants no contact. Yet it is always her that contacts my partner. She will scream, swear and shout while on the speakerphone in the car in front of the children and doesn’t care what her behaviour does to them.

    She helps charities to help children in third world countries get an education but doesn’t help her own when they are so behind at school preferring to concentrate on her own education and career above their needs. We took the children to Disney for a holiday and in Alice’s maze the queen of hearts popped up shouting, the youngest, 6 year old started shaking put his hands over his ears and started to cry. I slightly raise my voice at him one day due to his behaviour and he started to cry, I cuddled him and told him it was ok I just needed to address his behaviour. He told me that mummy screams at him if he’s naughty. We have highlighted to social services previously as we are seriously concerned about the emotional affect her behaviour and abuse is having on the children for it to be dismissed as tit for tat.

    This has been going on for so long, she then used me as an argument, that she didn’t know the woman “handling her children” I didn’t want to be used as a reason to argue so I emailed her directly. I had the audacity to defend my actions after she said I traumatised her the day she turned up on our door step. All I did was close down inappropriate conversations in front of the children, such as her accusations about their father and how her debt and job meant they may have to come and live with us. My email only highlighted concerns for the children like when they get in trouble with us for following her instructions of being mean and horrible and how unfair this was on them and how I just wanted all the drama to stop because of the affect it is having on the children. I was then told I had the same psychosis as the children’s father and the conversation was making her tired.
    He new thing now is that she has deleted her email, wants no contact, we must go through the childminder to communicate yet she is now phoning and texting my partner about things but if he wants to communicate he has to go through the childminder?? Will we ever be free of the slander, lies and abuse? He split up with her 5 years ago and she is still on the attack, I have spoken to a friend and collegue about the whole situation who is a psychiatric Doctor and he is very concerned with her behaviour especially how it is affecting the children. I have even questioned if she is right and if we are narcs. This is just awful but especially for the children. What can we do as we have to have contact due to the children.

  • Maminho@yandex.com'
    Empath G
    August 19, 2017

    Dear Melanie,
    It has been incredible expirience researching your Blog and it is trully resonating with me (yes, almost every single article i read). I want to thank You for clearifying alot of issues regarding N abuse and futrhermore healing of us that remained holding that small grip to our sanity that eventually brought us on the internet (yes AND the “innernet”) in search for the answers. I have a question: if you admit your NPD partner that your greatest fear is them abandoning you out of the blue ( i did this in our honeymoon phase) and they actually do just that in the end, do they feed themselves from this pain they inflicted on us in a way they really never ever going to break NC and silent treatment? Thats what is happening to me now. I also send her a heroic warrior letter from my heart after the breakup and she just cruelly answered that i shouldnt be doing this to myself. She also showed the letter to all her friends like some trophy and this further destroyed me emotionally. Meantime im working on healing my abandonment fears but i feel like she is still in control with this NC and silent treatment. Do you think NPDs can feed from this for ever or they will eventually try hoover again afer some time? I know i must ignore if this happens, i just want to be ready…

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 20, 2017

      Hi Empath G,

      I am so pleased that my information resonates with you and has helped.

      In answer to your question, please know they do whatever a) hurts you the most and b) what it is that triggers within us that we need to heal.

      Trying to work out what they may do next equals handing our power away. There is only one true solution to this, pull away and heal self.

      Mel xo

  • jancrone1977@gmail.com'
    Jan
    August 21, 2017

    Melanie thank you so much .This is the first time I have commented . It is 8 months that I have gone no contact with my adult daughter . At first I felt that I had lost the feeling of love and would never feel it again . I understand now that I do love her but it is my love to give , she does not have to be in my every day life for me to give that love. She is still using other people to get at me ,but because of following the steps and information that you have given me it is not bringing me to my knees any more. I have had to go no contact at this time with all my grandchildren ( my sons adult children from Australia ) as well, because she started to use them . I know they are going to suffer, and she will do the same to them. but know now I can not protect them , or any one else . I am in my 70,s and would love to have my family around me , they are all adults now and only came back to New Zealand a few months ago , It did not take her long to control and upset the family. To be in contact with them, brings her back, This is the most peace I have felt for year,s ,strange as that may seem with out my children and grandchildren. I know I have a wee way to go yet on my healing journey , it is getting better each day thanks to you, Bless you for what you do . Jan ( an old lady getting younger ).

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 22, 2017

      Hi Jan,

      it is my pleasure 🙂

      I am so pleased you are healing and doing so well now. Everything you wrote is the truth.

      Bless you and your shift Jan – and I know you will be getting younger. That is what happens when we release our trauma!

      Mel xo

  • leannsherman412@gmail.com'
    Victoria
    August 30, 2017

    Hi. I’m 50+ yrs. old and been involved with a narcissist around my age for almost 3 years (tomorrow). I met him at a bar less than two years after my husband died. He was very forward and charming.

    Bio: He’s a very short, handsome, charismatic man who was physically abused as a child by his father and describes his late mother as cold, reserved and non-affectionate. He sometimes says I’m not affectionate and that I remind him of his mother. He is a “man’s man” with motorcycles, etc. and a black belt in Martial arts.

    He has one adult child with a drug problem and another one who hasn’t talked to him in several years. He’s been married twice; his first wife divorced him. His second wife left him, but they are not divorced. They’ve been separated for 6 years and live about an hour apart and are in touch often by phone and texts. I am convinced that they are still in love with each other. Even if they weren’t though, I recognize that he is very emotionally disturbed.

    He can be extremely complimentary, charming and romantic – and on the other side, EXTREMELY caustic, callous and downright cruel. He can be very flirtatious, and several men and women in our social circle have told me to stop seeing him. He smokes cigarettes and drinks a lot of hard liquor; in my estimation, he’s an alcoholic – and when he drinks, he can become even more caustic, aggressive and flirtatious. He has never been physically abusive, but his emotional cruelty is over the top.

    He loves to cook, garden, dance, drink, eat fine food – and have sex. He is cheap with me and conveniently has money for everything and everyone except me and seems to use me as his whipping post for all his troubles. He has no shame and will come right out and tell me that I should buy him this, that or the other. He wants me to wear sexy outfits, but rarely offers to pay for them.

    He has a close woman friend (whom I know) who’s just a friend whom he spends a lot of time with and whom he says he can confide in like a sister. I am not concerned that there’s any physical relationship, but when he brought her into his life – and our life – I felt demoted and sent to the back of the bus. I was his nighttime play toy and his confidante until she came along. Now I’m only his nighttime play toy. At first, I was very angry with her, but I realized that I should be thanking her because her entry was the tipping point for me.

    I know I need to get out of this relationship and am desperate to do so. It’s literally making me ill with ongoing gastrointestinal problems. My body is screaming out for help, but even though I know it’s in my best interest to get out, I’m dreading it and having an excruciatingly difficult time doing it. I’ve been in therapy for about 2 months which is helping. I really can’t afford to allow this to go into 4 yrs… HELP…..

  • sashakeys@rocketmail.com'
    Sasha
    September 5, 2017

    I was with my bipolar husband who also has narcissistic personality disorder for 12 yrs on and off. We were hs sweethearts. The beginning was great we got our own house, started a family, then slowly things went down hill. At the time I blamed it on our age. Straight out of hs we we were already living together and had a family. I placed the blame on him having to grow up too fast at such an age and not being able to get his party years out of the way. He cheated on me numerous times, this is why I say we were on and off for 12yrs. He physically, emotionally, and verbally abused me, degraded me. The first and only time I left him was 10yrs into our marriage. He had started using meth and was threatening my life. I thought if he could threaten me he could our son also. So I went and got a protective order on him. Led the police to the house and let them in. My husband had just got done smoking a bowl of meth because the pipe and drug was on the bed when the police walked in on him. I cried the whole time and kept telling him I love you I’m so sorry as the police arrested him and walked him out to the police car. During the time he was in jail he wrote our son everyday, and during the time he was in jail I had met someone else. Moved him in with me, and found out I was pregnant 6mo into the relationship. When I told my then boyfriend that I was pregnant he left me. When my ex husband got out of jail he stayed clean and stepped up to the plate to be a stepdad. Things were going great he was clean, going through probation, and I helped him and encouraged him every step of the way. He was a great stepdad played the part real well. We were a family again and I couldn’t have been happier. That lasted 2yrs. The beginning of this yr when his probation was over he fell back into his bad habits and started using meth again. He left me and the kids and moved in with his best friend ( my cousin) and started seeing this girl we had went to hs with. He moved out in April and in June him and his gf had a car accident and he had a warrant for ftp and he called me for help. Said he wanted nothing to do with her anymore that it was over he just wants his family back. I did not get him out of jail. He was in jail for a month and a half. During that time I found out that the girl he was with was now pregnant. When he got out of jail I told him the news and he said that he didn’t want anything to do with her anymore that he will pay the child support to her and be financially there for his new baby but that he wanted things to go back to the way they were before when we were a family. I agreed because it’s all I wanted too. She had called his work looking for him and asked him how come he hasn’t got ahold of her since he was out of jail and that she was pregnant. He told me that his reply was he already new and that he would go by her house to talk when he got off work. He never made it because he was with me and our kids. She then texted me later that night and asked if he was still going to go talk to her and I told her no that he was staying the night with is But would call her the next morning. To which she replied tell that punk not to worry about it I highly suggest you stay together because you guys have something coming your way. Then the next morning she texted me and told me to tell him that she had an abortion (which is a lie btw) so I responded that I no she didn’t because I saw the ultra sound pics on her Facebook acct and she replied why would inhale his baby when he isn’t going to help me But helping you when in my one of those kids is biologically his
    I left the conversation at that and let him read everything. He then held my hand and told me he loves me. I said it back and I told him it would take time and that we weren’t going to rush back into living together. So the living situation stayed the same. Me and our two sons still lived at our place and he still stayed at his. He’s been out of jail for a little over a month. So everyday before I went to work I stopped by his place to wake him up stayed And visited for a bit then headed to work. Aftwr work I would pick our kids up and we would go spend the evening with him either at his place, the park, or he would come home with us. And all of a sudden just a couple days ago he told me I couldn’t come over anymore. It wasn’t cool for me to be at his place or do stuff together with the kids anymore. That I could drop the kids off and pick them up later. So after all was said and done I asked him what the deal was and he said he doesn’t love me he loves the other girl. Naturally I asked him if he had been lying to me because he said that since he’s been out of jail he hasn’t seen or heard from her. And he said that no he wasn’t lying he still hasn’t talked to her. I find that strange since ahe is having his baby. He is always on the cell phone talking to someone or texting so of course I thought to myself wow he is leaving me for her again. I felt heartbroken all over again. It was until I confronted him and said if you’re not talking to her then who are you talking to and he told me that he was making a deal. He said that he doesn’t use meth anymore but that he still pushes the product and he can’t be having me around when he does business because I automatically think he’s cheating or talking to another girl. So of course I got upset about the whole thing because he is still involved with the drugs and that he told me he loves the other girl and not me. Why did he say that, is it to get me upset, is it because he’s bipolar and narcissistic or could he be using the drugs again? And why even say he’s in love with the other girl and not me if he hasn’t even heard from her or is he just lying to me about everything. I feel so hopless. I’ve been ignoring his calls and text messages for a day and a half now. He wants to talk to our kids but I won’t let him. Not because I’m hurt but because if he is dealing drugs and using them then I don’t want my kids to go down that road again. I’ve been through hell with that man and our kids don’t need to go through that. What if a deal goes bad and our kids are there spending time with him? I can’t imagine what would happen. But I find mself doubting my decision about the no contact because I feel like a bad mom for not letting them at least talk.

  • Fgcv@fcb.com'
    Lee
    October 22, 2017

    My MIL is a narcissist. My husband is a good man so I am stuck with her for life. She has made it her life’s mission to bring me down. She spreads lies to whoever will listen. I refuse to go out of my way for her and that drives her nuts. Unfortunately I know how to piss her off so I would know how to push her buttons. But after getting counseling I realized that giving a narcissist any engery is gold. They truly thrive off of seeing you squirm. It takes a lot of practice but I try to stay composed in MIL presence and don’t look at her much. She has tried to grab my arm to get me to look at her but I just dash away. When I go to family events at my in laws and people who I hardly speak to are glaring at me like I am criminal is very unnerving. So much hate and bitterness. My husband is afraid of his mother so I am on my own. But honestly, ignoring is the best way to handle it. Don’t take the bait. It is about rising above the all the hate the narcissist is throwing at you. It’s true, loving yourself and being at peace will help build a strong foundation against such nastiness. It can take a lot of time to do it and practice.

  • marinepienaar@gmail.com'
    M
    October 30, 2017

    Hi Mel,

    Thanks so much for posting this again. I SO needed to read it and realised I need to do another round of all the NARP modules – my aim for November. You are doing amazing work.

  • soniajgale@yahoo.com'
    Sonia Gale
    October 30, 2017

    Loved this article Mel, as all of yours I read. I am recovering from nine years of narcissistic abuse and through following your program I’ve been able to trace the cause back to my narcissistic father. It’s been painful doing the self work but I’m persevering and finding it easier as time goes on to ignore the narcissist’s triggers and control my reaction when they happen. Thank you for sharing your insight and for your help! x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 30, 2017

      Hi Sonia,

      I am so pleased you are self-partnering and healing.

      That is wonderful. You’ve got this Sonia, wonderful things are ahead for you.

      Mel xo

  • Ghvb@gcb.com'
    Lee
    November 1, 2017

    Ugh! I took my MIL narcissistic bait today. I am mad at myself for being so weak. She really tries to bring me down. The toughest part is I can’t just dump her like I could a bad boyfriend. I am stuck with her. I long for the day she can attack me with her words and they bounce right off me without a care. Right now I want her to pay for her cruelty but a part of me sees how miserable she truly is. Only a very miserable person could actively seek to hurt others, right?? I have a journey ahead to get a place where her attacks can’t hurt me anymore. I appreciate your posts and the help they provide!

  • lele.r47@gmail.com'
    Lele
    November 10, 2017

    My mother is a narc, growing up I was so naive and I used to let her blame me for everything and cry when she yells at me but now I’m older and won’t stand for it so I tried ignoring her the first time she cried and screamed like a crazy person! and it terrified me! she cried so much she started fainting and I felt like I was watching her die .. I couldn’t just let her die so I called my father and he came to calm her down. I felt guilty so guilty I blamed myself for letting her feel this way.. I couldn’t sleep for days because the image wouldn’t leave my mind..I felt like I almost killed her…I hated myself and I hated her for making me feel like this..

    The second time she came to my room and started yelling at me saying how she hates my life style and that I have to change, I ran to the bathroom, I locked myself inside and she wouldn’t stop telling me everything that is wrong with me so I got angry and I said “I know what you’re doing!
    you’re just trying to run away from some pain that has nothing to do with me but you blame it on me!” she just laughs and was like ” oh you’re trying to turn this on me now!” I started to get manipulated by her.. she said “you’re scared hiding behind that door” so I opened the door and I took her hand and I started hitting myself with it and I kept asking her to hit me and get it over with please!! I just wanted her to stop yelling at me because I didn’t know whether to believe myself or her words…eventually she had me believing I deserved punishment.. so I started thinking of suicide I got so depressed I stayed in the dark in my room in my bed didn’t move at all for 12 hours without eating .. I was feeling like I was losing my mind.. but I didn’t give up after 2 days I realized the truth ..that she manipulated me so I promised myself to protect myself next time and ignore her completely even if she dies infront of me.

    so I started locking myself in my room and avoiding her, she knocks and I say I’m busy and I don’t open the door.. after a few days I heard her having an argument with my father and then she came to my door yelling screaming.. of course she wanted to get it out on me like always but this time I didn’t open the door.. I locked myself inside the bathroom again and didn’t respond to her AT ALL.. I heard her trying to break the door! screaming, yelling then crying so loud .. I thought to myself ” what if she faints and dies?? does that mean Im killing her?” I wanted to run to her to save her.. but I told myself to stay strong and not respond no matter what ..and I knew eventually my father will save her.. I was panicking so I tried every way to calm myself down my heart was beating so fast I think I was going to faint too .. I turned on the shower so I can’t hear her crying.. after maybe 30 mins she finally stops ..

    I felt proud that I survived I felt proud that I didn’t weaken .. but … I was traumatized .. because every time I hear footsteps near my door or hear her voice..my heart starts beating fast and I feel like fainting .. and I hate it.. I hate this feeling :'( its a terrible feeling I don’t want to feel it ever again… sometimes I even think I hear her crying and I started to panic then I realize it was some noise from tv or something..

    I can’t leave my room I’m scared of her negative energy .. I told my father I want to leave this house but he is not letting me go.. I think he is a narc too because when I told him she is hurting me he kept saying no she loves you and she won’t ever hurt you.. but she did.. the damage is done but he still denies it..

    the pain I feel is so much Im just trying to stay sane and hope I don’t end up killing myself..

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