You may have heard the term “co-dependency” mentioned in many recovery and self-development circles.
What does it mean and how does it apply to narcissistic abuse?
Today, in this article, The 7 Signs You May Still Be Co-Dependent And How To Change This Fast, I will explain what to look out for.
As you go through the article I want you to check in and rate how many of these 7 signs are still present in your life. (Let me know in the comments below!)
What It Means To Be Co-Dependent
I believe co-dependency is about “trying to seek self from outside of self”. It means positioning someone else as our authority, as our source to love, approval, security and survival rather than being whole adults generating that for ourselves directly and safely with the healthy aspects of life’s people and resources.
Co-dependency is the leftover, unhealed, unfinished wounds of our past, significantly our childhoods, where we did not develop enough on the inside to feel safe, whole and self-generative. This leads us to position others as “the parent who may do it better” and stay attached to them, even when they are treating us badly. Rather than being able to let go and look after ourselves – we stay.
As a previous co-dependent, I used to be shocked that while I was intelligent, strong and extremely capable, when it came to relationships, I would so often feel empty, powerless and defeated. I would cling to abusers and keep handing away more and more of my already scanty boundaries and rights to try to make them change and love me.
It wasn’t until I underwent my Thriver Healing transformation, from the inside out, that I learned exactly what had been going on with me.
In this article I explain some simple signs that will help you understand if co-dependency is insidiously sabotaging your ability to have safe and healthy relationships.
Knowing these 7 signs will allow you to understand the co-dependent parts of you that are still susceptible to handing your power away, and how to challenge the old notions of how you were trying to get your needs or love, approval, security and survival met.
Please know that the following traits are common – many people have them! We may even assume that these are nice, caring human traits. However, they are not serving us. Please know that you can be empathetic, caring and functional in relationships without suffering from co-dependency.
If you have already been working with Thriver Healing and releasing and up-levelling previous traumas, this will be a great opportunity for you to check in and see where you are presently at in dissolving away your co-dependent parts.
Number 1 – Obsessing About What You Said
If you find yourself going over and over prior conversations and wondering how other people have received your words, thinking, “Did I say the wrong thing? Maybe they won’t like me because I said that …” then this is a sign that you are suffering from co-dependency.
It means that your identity is attached to what other people think of you. This is a sign that you don’t as yet have a healed and solid “self”. Maybe you came from a childhood where the level of love and safety you received was linked to how other people thought of you at the time.
This can be common. You may not yet know what it is to have YOUR truths and be able to live aligned with them, and risk not always fitting in with what other people may wish you to be and do.
I’d like you to consider the following questions …
What are the values and truths that define you?
Are you prepared to be yourself and honest with others, even if this may mean having some “difficult” conversations?
Are you committed to creating a solid inner sense of self, with inner healing, so that you are not so attached to what other people think of you?
If you are authentic, whilst being kind, and someone is upset by your truth, you will know that you are not responsible for that. You can be considerate and honest and communicate, without being obsessive and constantly fretting.
Number 2 – People Pleasing
Telling people what they want to hear is not just taking the easy way out. It means that you will set up an inauthentic world around you where you are living outside your values in order to not rock the boat and risk not being loved.
This is potentially personally dangerous, because bit by bit you may be handing away your rights.
Previously, as a result of not healing my unhealed wounds that weren’t allowing me to anchor into my “self”, it was very difficult and confusing to try to be “the real me” around others.
Like so many of us who have been narcissistically abused, I said what I thought other people wanted to hear. I didn’t realise even in non-narcissistic relationships that this was a problem!
People aren’t mind readers; they can’t work out our needs if we aren’t honestly speaking up about them. It’s also disingenuous to just “go along” to keep the peace and then suddenly “be” different when it gets too much for you.
When someone looks for “you” they will not see you. Therefore, you are not going to inspire respect, loyalty and devotion. This means that you will feel taken for granted and even advantage of. People pleasers often get emptied out. Narcissists love people pleasers! Narcissists have no inner “self”. The less “self” you have the more you will tolerate them.
When you are committed to working on yourself and BEING yourself, you will not tolerate people who are vampiring off your Life Force, energy and resources for their own gain.
The remedy for people pleasing is COURAGE – risking people not agreeing with you. The only way to create real relationships with your Tribe, is to be yourself, instead of who you think everyone else wants you to be.
How can you attract and be loved and accepted for REAL, if you don’t express who you truly are?
Are you aware that it is impossible to keep everyone happy, and it would be much more fulfilling to be and express the person you really are? You are the ONLY person who can make you genuinely happy. The irony is, you will see how much other people step up and love and support you at the level that you are now being true to yourself.
It takes inner devotion and work to get to this point – and I can’t tell you the relief and joy you will experience when you have broken free from people pleasing!
Number 3 – Struggling To Lay Boundaries
Boundaries mean saying “No” to things that don’t feel authentic, healthy or okay for you. It’s also about asking honestly for what you need from people. It’s about people knowing where the lines end … this is “who” I am – this is what I won’t and will accept.
Being your “self” is really important for this (getting back to the inner work) so that you know what your truths and values are.
If you struggle to speak up because of the fears of C.R.A.P. – meaning someone criticising, rejecting, abandoning or punishing you for being yourself – then this is a battle with co-dependency.
Please know how common this is! It’s such a huge part of narcissistic abuse recovery, because narcissists will absolutely attack you when you try to lay boundaries!
Herein lies some of the greatest inner work you can ever do. Personally, for me this was beyond life-changing. Before I turned inwards with Quanta Freedom Healing to heal this literal terror, I would have brain fog, panic, or just see “white fuzz” when I knew I needed to speak up. I just couldn’t.
Thank goodness I transformed out of this!
Just like myself, by healing these childhood wounds within you that caused you to fear speaking up, you will have the power and ability to express yourself and voice your concerns, ask the relevant questions, have difficult conversations and say “No” and mean it.
These are vital human skills in business, love, and family and friendship relationships. They are also essential in intimate partner relationships.
There is so much more I could say about boundaries (which I teach you about in all my Courses), but I just want to drop this piece here – boundaries are not about other people “getting” your boundary and “agreeing” to it. It is about YOU getting it and agreeing to it.
There will be people in your life who have neither the capacity nor desire to meet your values and boundaries healthily. But you have the power to say “no more” and to attract and generate relationships that do.
Number 4 – Self-Avoiding With Addictions Instead Of Self-Soothing
A big part of co-dependency is trying to seek relief and comfort from outside of yourself, instead of turning inwards to self-soothe, do the inner work and heal yourself.
In times of being triggered you may eat, smoke, drink, take drugs, work obsessively, watch porn, seek sexual relationships, obsessively indulge in activities like social media, researching, stalking your ex on social media, venting on abuse groups, binge TV watching, shopping, gambling, or even sleeping.
These are all methods of self-avoidance and self-abandonment. They are ways of trying to numb out the inner pain, instead of meeting it and healing through and beyond it.
Lots of sensitive, highly empathetic people fall into this category because we feel so much and often it’s overwhelming! Please know many of us in this community have intensely addictive personalities.
I used to have plenty of obsessive “go-to’s”. These were … smoking, drinking, workaholism, obsessive researching … and the list goes on. Yet by trying to avoid the pain, I was only kicking the can down the road, and my unattended to traumas, like ignored housework, were growing daily and causing me to even more obsessively seek addictive relief.
There is only one answer to escape the escalating cycle of self-destructive addictions – drop the self-avoidance tactics, turn inwards and heal. That was a key decision I made to save my life.
Turning away from addiction, and inwards to “self” is a big piece of recovering from co-dependency, and I’m going to give you a very powerful solution to get this started at the end of this article. One which will help you find the love, relief and power that you have previously been trying to seek in all the wrong places – outside of yourself.
Number 5 – Staying Attached When You Are Being Hurt
You discovered in narcissistic abuse that even after terrible treatment, you stayed.
Doing this personally stunned and shocked me. I knew I was smart and incredibly resourceful, yet I couldn’t stay away. At the time I felt so helpless, powerless and stuck in the self-loathing as to “why” I would be doing this to myself – keep going back to someone who had done the most unthinkable and disgusting things to me.
Now I know, I was suffering from my broken inner child parts which didn’t believe I could survive on my own. When he hurt me, I would gravitate to him more, trying to regulate his behaviour so that I could be safe.
As children we were defenceless but as adults we aren’t.
I promise you with all of my heart, by letting go, and turning inside to shift all of the reasons why you are unconsciously still attached, you will be able to move on, be the adult to yourself that you can be, and heal up into your own safety, sanity and wellbeing.
Number 6 – Trying To Fix And Change Other People
The classic sign of co-dependency is trying to fix and change other people who don’t have the capacity to be healthy and safe for you – to try to be healthy and safe.
If people don’t have the capacity or desire to be kind, honest and committed to teamwork, solution-building and working on their own character and integrity, trying to fix and change them so that you can feel better will backfire badly.
By trying to fruitlessly control these people YOU become more out of control. The more you stay and lecture and prescribe, try to hold them accountable and force repentance, reform and amends from them, the more you will be brutally abused.
The only person you can fix and change is yourself! This is where your True Self and True Life and power is generated from.
Number 7 – Not Allowing Others To Be Themselves
Being co-dependent is not about love. Please let me explain.
You are trying to change someone against their will and capacity to be who YOU want them to be so YOU feel happy. That’s not loving.
Imagine if you met a lovely genuine person who didn’t like healthy eating or exercise or socialising, yet these were important values for you.
You trying to get them off the couch to stop watching TV against their will is controlling – no matter how much you believe it’s good for them! Either you have to live outside your values and spend more time with them in front of the TV, or they have to start doing things they don’t want to do to please you.
Can you see where this is going? A power struggle of resentment and pain! Of course, you would both be better suited to part ways and seek people who match your respective values.
That is what demonstrates, “I love you enough to respect your choices and values, just as I do mine. Therefore, I set you and me free.”
That is TRUE love!
Now let’s look at abusive people. They don’t share your values of kindness, care, integrity, teamwork and solution-building. “Love” is not forcing them to “get” your values against their will.
Rather, it’s control.
Letting go and allowing others to be themselves is the only way to set yourself free, and it is the most powerful way of all to heal from co-dependency.
Absolutely this is easier said than done and takes dedicated and specific inner healing!
Rating Your Co-Dependencies
It is such a relief to share our inner selves with each other! Please know co-dependency is a symptom of mankind – we all have it to varying degrees. So much guilt and shame can come with these tendencies. That is why it is so refreshing and healing to share, dissolving the “icky feelings” around our co-dependent tendencies, and then really dedicate to healing, as a powerful Tribe together.
I love that as I continue developing my “self” I get to teach you the things that I most needed to learn!
Please put your score (and any other details you would love to share) in the comments below.
This also encourages others to step into accepting and evolving and healing themselves. It gives them permission to BE their own SELF!
Now … I am so proud and excited to say that, myself and the incredible MTE team can help you take the healing of co-dependency even further than this article today …
My upcoming Thrive Membership Program is all about that. Go check out what it involves and you will see how much this 10-week healing bootcamp grants healing for what we have talked about today (plus so much more).
My greatest commitment and gift to you with the Thrive Program is this – You will meet, establish and KNOW your “self” after these 10 weeks!
Spots are filling very quickly. “Thrive” starts in April!
Any questions you have about Thrive, write below, or you can send them in to [email protected] and one of my lovely team members will get back to you soon!
And, of course, please let me know where you are at with your journey of healing from co-dependency.
Thank you Melanie for all that you do!
Shsron
I am really struggling this evening. I recently just left my husband a full blown narcissist after 28 years. One of his behaviors around our house when he lived here was wanting to do nothing, and not do anything with me, or have people over, the list of nothingness goes on and in. He neglected me so bad he really hadn’t had a real conversation with me in over 7 years.
It’s now been 2 weeks and his full of life, going out, dating and telling our 4 teenage and adult children about it.
How do I not let this drive me crazy?!
Why couldn’t he be full of life for me?!
I’m honestly the easiest person to be around and up for fun!
This inferiorates me, can someone who has more training here lend me a little advice?
Thank you for letting me vent!
That’s because it’s all an act to gain attention and supply. Remember there is no whole self there so his actions are self serving and not genuine. His actions and attention elsewhere does not mean you are worth less. You deserve love and attention but it all begins and ends with self love and knowing that’s true for you.
Oh my goodness Robyn, that makes perfect sense and is so very clear to me with the way you explained it! I feel like my brain just got hijacked! Like how could I fall for that, I have seen him do this before when I would try and leave. Thank you for taking the time to explain this to me, it means a lot.
Also, I think I need to work on that self love for sure! Thank you for helping me.
I love the part where you talk about trying to regulate another person’s behavior in order to feel safe and in control. It was a trap I fell into for the longest time without a clue as to how to detach and move forward. I feel like I am really getting the hang of things. Now all I need to do is set better boundaries with my 5 year old daughter in order to get the most out of life for both her and me!
Beautiful Lydia!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
He’s trying to hurt you by doing those things. If he didn’t go out before you can be sure he’s not genuinely enjoying it now. It’s all a show for you. Don’t let him mess with your mind. He doesn’t care about you, never has, he’s empty inside. Remember that, stay strong and no contact. Join a free Facebook group to get your support.
Filiz!!
It’s so glaringly obvious now that you put it that way! Wow, how do I fall for this! There is a theme here with all of the help I have received on this forum and that is it’s ALL an act and I am falling for it every time.
I need to go no contact, focus on me and my healthy life, pity him and feel sorry for the new supply not jealous, know that is just his way of lashing out because he knew that’s what I needed, the list goes on but I’ve learned so much here! Thank you!
I am a recovering codependent and this affect my work in a very negative way bcos I try to control my coworkers to get them do what I need done since I am in charge of the establishment. It always keep blowing up in my face and I always get bad reviews. Reading this now makes me realize I have be ready to get all the work done by myself if am not getting good help.
Hi Julie,
I’m so glad you did vent and share what is going on for you … my heart goes out to you, this is so painful…
Please know narcissists lash out at what hurts us the most.
Your recovery Dear Lady is about detaching from his shenanigans, turning inside and healing you.
I know it is easier said than done, but it’s the only way.
I’d love you to watch my free webinar http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar as it will answer so many of your questions, and grant you hope that you can powerfully and for real, recover from what you are feeling.
I hope that this helps
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you, Melanie!
I am learning and working towards my full recovery. All of the pieces seem to be coming together. I forgot they lash out at what hurts us the most. It makes perfect sense. and those shenanigans, my goodness, when will I stop falling for it.
I really need to break free of this and I would love to watch your free webinar.
Thank you for providing the link.
You are a miracle worker, truly!
It’s so my pleasure Julie.
I really hope this helps!
Thank you for your lovely comment
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Julie thanks for sharing your story. I too have been married to an abuser for 28 years so what you shared resonates with me. Just recently he agreed to get divorced. I have had suspicion for awhile now that he has already found another target or close it at least because his abusiveness towards me has elevated to a new level and variations. Saying things like “look at yourself, you are so ugly”. I have slowly been “discarded” because I think he gets the point that his tactics don’t work on me anymore. I cramp his style. Thanks to Melanie and other support people I listen to I have learned not to “react”. Any responding I do is choice to say the least. I have gotten stray texts that he thought was going to someone else so I am pretty sure he has had a “side” for awhile now and probably always has, that is pretty typical for narcs. The thing that saves me in knowing all that is thinking of the person or people he will be having fun with. My heart sorrows for them deeply. They are so clueless about what they are facing with him. Fact is that some of them may catch on sooner than I did hopefully. Keeping my thoughts and prayers on them automatically keeps them off the abuser. I actually pity him because he will never have the joy that either you and I are capable of. Nothing or no one will ever fill him as he is a bucket with a hole in the bottom of it. He will never find anyone that is capable of pouring enough into his bucket to make an difference for him at all. He will never “catch on” either, unlike us. He isn’t capable of it and that in and of itself is pitiful and heart breaking but a choice he has made. His future is not full of freedom and joy. He will face the same emptiness as he did with me. The hope lies in the people in his future for they are like us. Keep your thoughts on them. Hope for them. Forgive them because they know not what they do. His future is dark and bleak, yours is not. Staring into the dark makes you blind. Try not to look at his life because the darkness will suck you in like a black hole does. An unexamined life is not a life worth living so examine your own path more than you do anything else. Make good use of your time and time will make good use of you. I face a bleak future if I stare at it too much. I have no job, no money, no car, no family, no friends and I must be out in six months. The law says that since I am not on the mortgage or the deed I get no financial interest in the house. There are no other assets. He has made it quite clear he is not going to make this easier either. Has already threatened me with lawyers. How does one go from zero to 60 (my age) with no gas? So I understand the challenge in staying positive. I am not about to give you a pep talk. They are of no help. Solutions are however so spend your time finding solutions instead of looking in the rear view mirror. Let what happened stay in the past, don’t keep it in the trunk. Even unseen will still weight you down. He isn’t doing that so don’t you either. Be different than him and those he is using right now.
Oh my goodness, Marie! This is amazing. Thank you for taking the time to lend me some advice. This is so helpful and I will be for sure rereading through this and taking notes off of it. It is my biggest struggle getting enmeshed in his narcisstic ways, it truly is my biggest downfall because I have fallen for it every time. I somehow truly believe he has changed or the many other times we’ve split up and he’s been with someone else and they seemed to be so happy so maybe I should try and be more like her… All an act all lies and I never gave those other breakups time to fall apart for him with his new supply because I would get him back.
This time is different and I will not let myself get sucked into it. I’m disgusted with it all but I need to look forward into my bright future. I have such an amazing support system here, thank you!
And for you, you are so brave! I admire you for breaking free under your circumstances. Anything is better than the life you had with the narc though, I know this deep in my soul! You will find a way to make it and I know that all of your losses will come back to you tenfold! I will be praying for you Marie!
I am very private with my internet use and postings, but I have to say that your message was moving to me. I’m in the midst of ending my second narcissistic relationship and wondering what the heck is wrong with me?!? And, of course, thinking I should just be single forever. Thank you for what you wrote. I have copied it to my empowerment journey. I wish you the best in your path towards Light and Love, Robbie
I just reread through this Marie! Wow, you have some powerful little nuggets of truth and advice in here! Thank you, again!
And thank you, Melanie for teaching us to become so free of abuse and full of light!!
It’s my pleasure Julie,
Bless!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
He’s just trying to hurt you… he’ll snap back into his normal personality once he becomes exhausted of pretending, or realizes you don’t care… the key is for you not to care. It’s all an act. I speak from experience… my ex from a 13 year marriage did the same. I had to learn to ‘let it go’ over an over… but it works and you will be better for it.
Hi, Carrie-
I will work on not caring and realizing the truth! You’re right, it is all an act, every time, and I fall for it every time!!! Awe!
Thank you for your advice I will truly work on this!
From my own life experience I discovered that my resentment of my ex’s expectation/treatment of me did not allow either of us to be(have) our true selves. I’m NOT responsible for his smirk and the consequences he yields as loyal to this self deception (loathing). I am, was and have always been responsible for behaving a shrinking violet when it came to expressing the fullness (truth) of who, I am, how I feel and what I want/need. In my own failure to be accountable to my truth (in my attempts to discern “God’s” will as to live my own)… I denied my former spouse the freedom to authentically meet me where I dwell in my domain (heart) as LOVE. I married him for the ways he did and I am. I divorced him because we were already divorced spiritually where I allowed his smirk over my own heart as truth. Whether he goes out… Whether he doesn’t go out… What matters is you put yourself where you belong doing the things You Love! I trust your days go well and your nights do you proud!
Hi Melanie,
Thank you for sending this transcription! It’s very difficult for me to rate my difficulties with codependency! Just about everything that you mentioned here relates in someway or another.
#1. I still think about and overly ruminate about past conversations and statements I’ve made!
#2. Too often I find myself trying to please others and getting burned in the end!
#3. Setting boundaries is still very difficult with some people, however it is most difficult with the narcissist. I end up getting trampled on continually!
#4. “Comfort foods” are a problem. They only make things worse because they are lacking nutrition and make me feel bad!
#5. The narcissist is still hurting me. I still have mediation and court and all of that stuff with her. I have not let go of her and I know I am hurting little Peter when I do that! I should be more concerned with little Peter than me being hurt!
#6. Since joining up with NARP I am learning not to do that! I need to fix me first before I go out and purvey myself as a “fixer”!
#7. I just don’t understand #7, Melanie! Does that mean that I am impeding others growth by doing bad or certain things?
Well, I answered all of these with the most honesty that I could muster up! This was pretty challenging! Thank you for challenging me, Melanie! And thank you so much for everything else! Lots of love to you, Melanie! ❤️🦋❤️
Peter …at least u r aware …just keep on moduling until you feel the shifts. How do u know you’ve shifted… because you stop doing the behavior or reacting… evolving never stops stops and if triggered ..you just know and
Behave differently and there is no trigger left in that topic. self partner. You still got some work to do… just keep on. I’m a thriver Narper. Started in 2015. Totally different person now, but if I get triggered I head straight for a module after the self soothe… it gets better but don’t stop.it’s a
Lifestyle
Thanks B,
Thank you so much! Every time I see the word moduleing I remember that I have this amazing resource available 24/7 and then I feel stupid for not going there and thinking that I can resolve or solve all of these problems myself. Thank you for reminding me!!! Melanie often says, “Go to the modules and then do the work because that’s all there is left to do”…. many blessings to you and thank you!🙏💞
B, so true! I spent 2 1/2 years in NARP and it worked wonderfully for me. After growing up with a narcissistic father and marrying one at 21 then many years later I dated 2 narcs that almost destroyed me. I wouldn’t even go out on a date while I was working in the NARP program. Then, I met a wonderful man and we’ve been genuinely happy for 4 years. However, I got side swiped by a narcissist as a boss because I didn’t recognize that he was a narcissist. I’m a bit puzzled that I didn’t catch the patterns in my response to him as identical to the narcs I had previously dealt with. All that said, I thought I had recovered and would never have to deal with a narc again. Came back to NARP and will never abandon myself again. So, you’re correct, it’s a lifestyle and life long partnering with self.
Hi Peter,
this is so great that you went through each one and checked in where you are at!
It’s very inspirational for others to do the same!
As you can see it is the not letting go and creating strict Modified Contact that is dragging you back through the pain … I know that it is easier said than done … but it is the only way. Otherwise, you are trying to continually put bandaids on wounds, instead of ripping the band-aid off them and healing the wounds once and for all underneath them.
Number 7 is fundamentally about letting go … stop trying to change someone, let them be themselves and then grant yourself permission to BE the truth for you (without them).
I hope this helps
Mel 🙏💞🦋
do we shift Number 2,3,6 and 7 and 6 and 7. Number 2 I’ll stay til the wheels fall off and number 6 +7 are problematic I know I do it and I don’t know how to stop. It knaws at me to do it. How do I stop the compulsion. I’ve done module work but everytime I do it I don’t seem to get to the root! Should I go in with the intention of this wound so I can heal it when I do that I can feel the energetic charge clearer? I need to deal with what’s coming up even writing this article. Please advise! So I can stop this train wreck!
Hi Aryi,
come into the NARP Forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member to get help with getting to the root.
Or, maybe consider coming into Thrive and we can help you hand on to achieve these breakthroughs … http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/thrive
Without working more closely with you (or Thrivers in the forum can)honestly, I would only be guessing.
I hope that this helps
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Melanie,
Thank you so much, Melanie. Thank you for helping me with the difficulty with number 7. It all comes back to doing the module work, doesn’t it? I got some great help from two other members today and that meant so much as well as your words mean so much! There’s a lot of work to do, but, at this moment as I’m writing this I’m very excited to do it! I think that’s where we should be at all the time but it’s not always easy! Thanks Melanie! Much love to you! ❤️🦋❤️
You are very welcome Peter!
Mwah!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I am very co-dependent. Probably 90%. I hate it.
I have stopped doing the NARP modules because I literally sit there and get NOTHING! I would love to join the 10 week Thriver Group but I am thinking I will experience the same thing. I am frustrated and annoyed. I don’t understand how it will help if it is online and the same type of healing.
Hi, I feel the same, joined NARP in 2018 and I couldn’t get anything out of the modules, I really tried. But EVERY single post and video I want him of Melanie’s resonates 110% and have helped me.
I also am thinking of dodging the 10 week course but if it’s the same structure, I’m concerned that again I will sit there and not have the feelings come up. Xx
Hi Denise,
and anyone else that has been struggling with connecting to NARP.
There are blocks that you can specifically target to open up the NARP experience for you.
Commonly we coach people as to how to unlock this …
In Thrive we helped many people with this last time through … http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/thrive
I hope that this helps.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Krista,
please know so many people last time around in Thrive got their breakthroughs.
If you want this, and this is your intention – we will make sure you get there!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Peter,
Number 7 doesn’t mean you are doing “bad” as such unless you’re physically harming someone.
It means you’re trying to super impose what you’d like them to be like when they don’t want to be that way… that’s control. You do it my way or else you’re not nice, my way or the highway except I won’t let you go.
What Melanie is trying to explain is that if you meet someone who you really would like to spend a relationship with then if they are sooo different to you that you’d be better to part ways and remember them fondly than get stuck back in co-dependency.
Accept that they’re a fleeting moment to test out how your Boundary Settings are going. They’re like a “taster” of the latest chocolate or something, you try it and decide if it’s for you, and if it’s not you don’t bother to buy it but you have a memory of what it was like with no attachment to it.
Trying to change someone is what you spent all that time with the Narc trying to do, and it certainly impeded your growth just like everyone else here’s growth was impeded by their situation, and that’s how we all became co-dependent. Just change your own outlook and leave others to do the same if they want to.
I think everyone else here has gone through your other “problems” but slowly we’ve worked through it with NARP, and like you I’m sure we’ve all had the frustration of it not happening fast enough, but give it time and diligence and it all comes together then.
Freedom is worth the hard work, no pain no gain springs to mind, and it is extremely painful at times but when you release that particular pain life is so freeing and certainly nothing like the pain the Narc inflicted on you, because there’s sunshine at the end of this tunnel even on a cloudy day.
You will get there Peter, because you’re already a good way into your journey so the path will get a tiny but easier with each release of CRAP you do so give it your all.
Hi Maureen,
It’s so strange how our thinking and responses are altered simply by being around a narcissistic abuser! I couldn’t, for the life of me, I understand #7 of this transcription…. I have gotten so used to thinking that things I am doing are “bad” or not right…. that really needs to change… I think that being in that “trap” has made my problems with codependency linger for way too long….
your kind and gentle words have given me some insight and HOPE into what will help me to get there. Thank you so very much! Thank you so so so much for taking the time to respond to me. I wish you the best on your journey, as well! 🙏🕊
Thank you so so much for explaining this! I was confused too!
The last one took me the longest to realize and this helped explain that when I tried to lecture and prescribe my values to him, that it felt controlling and he never listened anyway!
And for Julie, I have been divorced for 7 years to someone just like your ex. He has a bunch of friends, he’s a fun party organizer, my kids and their friends think he’s great and he still appears to have a great life. He’s very careful what he says to me and has a great job, money, women etc., but he is the one who left me and he is still angry underneath and tries to undermine me. If he was truly happy, he would want good things for me and would be kind, but he’s only nice when he wants something. Pay attention to what he does when no one else is looking and what he doesn’t tell you!! As Melanie says all the time, the only way to move on is to work on yourself. It took me about 5 years to stop thinking about how great his life is, but I finally just let it go and remind myself everyday how lucky I am to get a second chance without him diminishing me. It does get better and actually really great once you just focus on you and your needs, wants, and believing in yourself feels really good. Forget what anyone thinks and keep doing what you want on your terms! Good luck!
Dominique!
This is very helpful!! You may have saved me many years of focusing way too much on him. He is so mean to me, always has been, so I don’t understand why I should even care what he is doing now, that is the weirdest part to me. I will focus on myself only, from here on out! I have done some of the work from NARP and realize I gave a ways to go, but thank you so much for this nugget of helpful advice!
These co-dependent traits could have been ripped out of my own autobiography. It’s hard to face the reality that this person that you’ve loved and dedicated your life to was a phantom. They truly do not exist, except in your mind. You wait and hope, change yourself, cook the dinners, take care of the kids, all the while waiting…the years go by…you’re still waiting and wasting away. Did this person ever love me? What if I did this? What if I change that? The total load of the relationship falls on you, and you both agree…it’s your fault.
This article showed me, once again, what I didn’t want to see. My relationship is/was just a figment of my imagination. There never was a relationship. It was me only me doing the one legged shuffle. Rowing the boat in circles, asking, praying, hoping for things to change. Reading this I realized the only way things would/will ever change…stop paddling. Accept the truth, he’s never coming back because he wasn’t here in the first place.
Oh Martha. I understand you. Everything you wrote resonates with me. I still have nightmares and such once in a while, but this community helps to let me know I’m not alone.
I’ve been out almost a decade but he moved down the street from me with his family. It’s sick. He is a ghost. My only regret is not listening to my gut and wasting so many years with someone who literally did not care. No matter what they say, their actions never match their words, and they LITERALLY DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU.
I know how THAT feels Miss M – mine bought the house directly in front of me, bang slap right in my view!!
I was in hiding from a previous psychopathic lover, and had been completely off-radar for more than 15 years when I discovered that I had been raised in a vipers nest with a narcissistic sister. That was the start of my healing; at last I knew what was ‘wrong’ with me and I began to unpack the trauma. I was able to heal my adrenal fatigue and used meditation to address the stress and anxiety that had plagued me my whole life. Then just when I’m vital and fit for the first time in my adult life (!) an ex-lover of an old friend turns up, claiming to have been searching for me for years. Something just didn’t feel right … a predator patiently stalking me for years. I should have known better but he slipped beneath my radar and managed to creep into my life.
Fortunately sanity prevailed, although it took 18 months before I realised that I had been tricked.
In the meantime, I made the mistake of calling him out for his lack of respect for others, his dependency on alcohol, his lies, and his rude behaviour towards me. Of course none of this won me any favour, but as things got worse and as his mask slipped further and further, I started to wake up. The fact is he didn’t love me; despite all the adoration, he had NEVER loved me.
I became Public Enemy No. 1 before I realised I was dealing with a covert narcissist, but then suddenly everything made sense. What annoyed me was the manner in which he stole into my sanctuary and took everything that was dear to me. He used me shamelessly, stole my dreams, my life and sucked my (new) vital energy out of me.
This disgusting individual is a special kind of sick and twisted: when I had nothing left to give, he simply usurped what was left, bought the house opposite me and stepped into my life.
That is when I saw his true nature, the depraved specter lurking beneath the mask. He has nothing of his own; his life is a parasitic construct built from the vision, ideas and dreams of others. He surrounds himself with people, collected like trophies, his never-ending source of supply. Inside he is empty, a vacuous black hole.
I have the good fortune of being able to return to my sanity, forged by facing myself head-on for over 15 years before he turned up, and have been NC for 5 weeks now. But it is thanks to Melanie that I have been able to come to terms with the intrusion of this vile creature into my life. Now I know that there are wounds beyond time and space that I cannot see that need to be healed so that I can truly set myself free and step into my full potential.
Thank you for your so honest share,
Sending you so much love and healing Martha.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
10/10 for that Martha….how terribly true your words are. I think the accepting that they aren’t who you truly thought they were is toping the charts at one of the hardest things to get your head round with narcs.
The years go by…..and we are still waiting…..those words ring so true…..the change will never come….however long I try to wait.
Thank you for all you have said. My narc bf still comes back every once in a while….but what I find so telling, is how happy and free I feel when he’s having an “off” time and not contacting me. The happiness and restfulness I feel in myself, has made me realise how destroying his presence has been.
Melanie,
You put into perfect words what I’m feeling and can’t put my finger on these terrible emotions. I could not complete the NARP program , but reading and applying your articles have made a world of difference to my inner life. I actually feel normal now but continue to work on myself.
Thank you and many blessings !
Thank You Melanie.
Experiencing un-expected recoil from previous & continued on-going narcissistic abuse right now, but doing intense work with NARP modules really helps.
I tend to fall into sub-consious sleep while listening to the recorded QFH sessions, so, I incorporated them into My sleeping times, when I am supposed to sleep anyway…
Thankful, for the written transcripts of the recordings, that I can work with on a conscious level, while being awake.
Also thankful for this article, and THE previous comments, that made Me understand, what is going on, and how to deal with these issues.
Comments I reviewed and read the 7 signs. I am a co- dependent without really being aware of it.
I have grown up always wanting to keep the peace. Avoid conflict and often was bullied. So I would avoid those situations.
Never felt accepted and an outsider. Being unaware of what a Narcissist is and was married to him 14 years. Am a people pleaser but I am changing that.
Thought I had got over the trauma of it and the abuser. I comfort eat, am a workaholic and I shop for things I do not need to distract. I obsess about thoughts and think I can fix things.
I am ready to change and now switched on. My current boyfriend seems to understand what I am going through and is being patient and supportive. I do accept him for what he is.
After reading this article I have a lot of work to do on myself. Feeling overwhelmed. Where do you start? My current boyfriend and I had a misunderstanding yesterday and was told I did not know he was trying to be funny or was being playful and I reacted seriously. Was told I do not have a sense of humour that I was being a buzz kill. That hurt. Brought back memories from my childhood and I talked to him about it and I worked through the memory doing breathing and healing container.
I guess I am a work in progress. I am more aware of myself. Since joining NARP I have a path to recover which I am grateful for.
So aware of my co- dependency and in the early healing stages. Thinking of starting a journal to log where I am and how I am progressing.
Any tips to get out of old patterns? Some days feel a bit lost. Wanting to soothe the wounded child within?
Appreciate your comments.
Hi Kirsten,
It can be tricky to know where to start and how to progress.
I highly recommend checking out my Empowered Self Course, it has specific journalling exercises to deeply understand codependency and work through it, as well as boundary function etc.
I feel that this will help you greatly!
https://courses.melanietoniaevans.com/p/empoweredself
Mel 🙏💞🦋
It’s my pleasure ImmaAmmi,
I’m so pleased that this helps!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Melanie
I am so grateful for all your articles, thank you.
I find it so difficult to discern the balance between setting my boundaries and letting people be themselves.
For instance, my sister get aggressive easily. When I set a boundary, this aggression comes out in the energy in the way she speaks to me.
A week ago she agreed to try out Zoom with me, so that I would get an idea of how it works. We spoke via Zoom, but from the beginning I sensed an irritability in her voice and facial expression, because I was not fast enough in learning how to use Zoom. She looked really displeased with me, and then she wanted me to let her get access to my computer via Teamviewer. I said no, because I wanted to know how to do it myself, but also because the last time she tried to fix something in my computer, it went terribly wrong and I lost my photos and other things. So I had decided to never let her get access to my computer again. But she kept asking to me to open Teamviewer and was getting more and more angry at me, but I refused and said that she didn’t need to get access to my computer, because Zoom was working fine and I was satisfied. But she kept pressuring me, and suddenly I realized, that I was in fact extremely scared of her, my heart was pounding and I was sweating. I asked her more than once why she wanted access to my computer now that Zoom was working fine… and suddenly she burst out in an angry bout “Because I want to see something for my own purpose” (she is an educated IT-supporter and always has an interest in finding out more about computers).
Then I suddenly shifted from scared to angry and said to her in an angry voice ” How dare you get angry at me, when I don’t comply with your needs”. Then she just disconnected from Zoom without a word. I texted her, saying that it is destroying our relationship that she so often gets angry at me in an attempt to pressure me to do something. A week later she texted me with a halfhearted apology for leaving Zoom without a word, but said nothing about her tendency to bully me to comply with her wishes. I texted her again pointing out the destructive consequences of her bullying, but she has not answered my text and I have not heard from her for a month now.
I Know I am not supposed to want to change people, but on the other hand I simply cannot accept that she gets angry every time I don’t want to comply with her orders. And I just don’t know how to handle this recurrent situation between us?
Best regards from Anne
Hi Anne,
Please know your boundaries are not about her getting it – it’s about you getting it.
The ultimate boundary is no longer participating with people who can’t respect your boundaries. It is the only way in many situations, strict modified contact or no contact.
If you google my name plus boundaries you will find my articles and videos that can help you understand this more deeply.
I hope that this helps
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Anne,
Your comment reminds me of the difficulty that I often have with my sister…. it goes back-and-forth and I get upset and then she gets upset and then reconciliation takes place and then it starts all over again! Sometimes I think that it’s best to stop communicating with her all together although she has been 100% in my corner…. she has also been through a marriage with a very abusive narcissistic partner who caused considerable damage to her mental and emotional well-being. I don’t know, maybe it’s just part of our recovery that we have conversations that seem sometimes contentious as we are both feeling bad….. i’ve told her about Melanie’s work and she seems to be interested but is following another path that she feels is better for recovery. The best thing that it seems I can do is to understand where she is coming from and engage with the empathetic part in me that does understand others and their dilemmas. Thank you for sharing with all of us!
Sorry: “A month ago she agreed to try out Zoom with me”
Hi Melanie,
Definitely a big 10 for this article! Each description helped me get more clarity to understand how to get further away from the remnants of co-dependency that may be still lingering.
Love you so much!
Peggy
Hi Peggy,
so much love to you too!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hello Melanie, I am so new to all of this, I joined your Narp course and have only done a couple modules, I have been reading and reading Thrive articles and I almost feel like I’m obsessively researching lol. I am so co-dependent!! I almost feel like I am bouncing brain wise everywhere, so much information. I am feeling a bit scattered, because I feel everything is my life right now, the narcissist abuse, the co-dependent, watching Shifts Happen. My brain is trying to gobble it all up, this is making so much sense to me now. Thank you..
Hi Leona,
my greatest suggestion to you is “more shifting” and “less thinking and researching”. That is your fastest way through to powerful healing!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Melanie,
Thank you again for this clear article. I Still have all first 6, in various degrees towards different people, organisation representers in different roles I have in life.
I have to say, I want to, but did not yet join NARP to work on that. Since I freed myself recently physically from a 100 % timesharing mindcontrolling person. Since then I researched, analysed the broken pieces of my upside down life and selfesteem. Come out of the depression a bit and started to face the inner work.
I have to say: the free webinar with Quanta freedom healing example session, as well as an other activation helped a lot to get ready.
The most important aspect for me right now is 1. maintaining NO contact, 2 allowing time and selfcare to detox from the addiction to the neurotransmitters dopamine etc that the bond with a NARC/ manipulative person created, 3. Cut the cords: let the voice of that person in my head fade away.
But the breakttough in hope on recovery and getting stronger then ever was:
a first and almost totally succesfull onesided ceremony of
BREAKING THE ENERGY OR ASTRAL CONNECTION WITH HIM.
We can do all the work on ourself and with mind, body and emotions get to indifference.
I think that once the lesson is clear, the soul contract is forfilled, we also need to loosen or distance ourselves on a soul level.
We are all connected as humans in one awareness, but its not helping your recovery in Thrive or NARP if you forget to set an intention of letting go on a spiritual plane.
The poem you wrote is such a beautifull text to help anyone, that also wants to cut the cords.
It did help me a great deal, even after I experienced this formal loosening in a heart ceremony on my own.
The light comes shining trough my shattered life. And I am looking forward to do the hard work of inner healing and radiate love and yoy again.
Number 7 is not a issue at all. Worked that completely out when I let my son free at 11, while he was being put in a parental alienation by his father. (NOT my abuser by the way).
Now I hope this can help anyone thats in a similar phase. Not everything may work but remember: ” If the student is ready, the teacher or teaching appears” .
Thank you all and Tonia for this opportunity to share and support each other.
Hi Melanie-
I liked your article.
It hit the nail on my head squarely dealing with the moving target on My head.
The all-around sequenced warped system wrapped up into one dysfunctional patronization; thereby, it is set on automatic engagement.
Hi everyone Thanx Mel for being such a great help to us I saw your video on you tube I subscribed followed your advice and my life changed for the better,I’d say am still struggling about obsessing about what I said and how ppl will receive me, Thanks Family ⚘⚘⚘
A wonderful article. I bought Melanie´s NARP program in 2017 and I can honestly say that I don´t have any of those 7 traits of co-dependence any more. My life has changed truly and I thank Melanie and NARP for it. I highly recommend the NARP program! <3
Such a useful article for showing where those vulnerablilities are lurking, thank you Melanie xx