Melanie Tonia Evans

Release Codependency By Working On You!

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 4
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

Codependency is a state of being that we have all been conditioned to live by. Unfortunately, from birth we are taught that happiness comes from something outside of ourselves, and in order to find it we must first obtain something external to ourselves. It could be a love partner, group of friends or possessions such as a new house or car. We use these things to define our sense of self worth. The problem is that conditioning of codependency over many years has become a part of you, and it can be difficult to break when you first choose to make the shift to independence, or as I like to call it “True Self.”

The only way you can make this shift is if you really commit to yourself, and don’t give up when you don’t get immediate results.


Are you Happy with You?

It’s great if you are, but I can relate if you’re not.

You see, I used to be a person who didn’t know what it was like to be happy with me. When I was this person, I used to think that happiness was something that I could only obtain from people and things outside of me.

This meant I needed other things and people to validate me in order to be happy.

I had to have an accomplishment, or someone loving me, or someone or something feeding back the information to let me know that I was worthy, capable, lovable and good enough.

If anyone had asked me the question then “Are you really happy with yourself?” I would have had to answer “No!”

Sadly in the lonely hours of my life, when I was just with me, I felt empty and unfulfilled without these props. I now know the reasons why I wasn’t happy…

The reasons were:

  • I had never made peace with myself – I hadn’t forgiven the things in my life about me that I assessed as ‘wrong’, ‘mistakes’ and ‘missed opportunities’, and as a result had many regrets
  • I hadn’t got love right and felt that I must have been in some way defective and unlovable
  • I was holding on to past hurts and resentment, and
  • Because I was still carrying the pain of my past, I feared my future

In short, I wasn’t happy with my present life as a result of all of the above.

It wasn’t until I committed to my Journey of Self, namely my personal development, I was able to clear all that up and break free…


The Void

You see, when I was looking to the outside to somehow fix how I was feeling on the inside, it was able to create spasmodic results, but none that were authentically holding. There was always an empty void within myself, which no matter what I did, could not be filled.

When I had had enough of the pain, I finally started doing the essential work on myself.

Fortunately I did.


The Excuses

Before then I was stubborn, I was too busy, and the truth be known I was terrified about how hard it would be to commit to myself in order to get the results I wanted. And, I was very impatient for results. I would start committing to myself, not have my feelings or outer world change fast enough, and give up and think it was all a waste of time.

I’d then go back to my old patterns (which weren’t serving me) and return to the frustration and pain that had become my life.

A life and death experience changed all of that. By the time I did commit to myself, I wasn’t going to remain alive if I didn’t.

Finally my life brought me to the point of make or break with no way out (other than death) if I was going to keep going on the same path of ignoring myself.

The solution was, irrefutably to work on myself…


The Results

When I really decided to, I was astounded at how normal and natural it felt. Rather than feeling the imagined horror of confronting my unhealed parts, instead I experienced profound comfort and relief…Finally I was coming home to myself….and it brought me feelings of power, joy, fullness and contentment. I was connecting to incredible feelings of Love…


Resistance is Common

I completely understand the resistance you may have in committing to yourself…just like Juliette, (a lady I have interviewed on my radio show recently) initially stated “I don’t know how to work on myself, I’m scared of doing it, I don’t know how to do it, if it will work, or even if I deserve it!” (Those are some pretty hefty resistances!)

However, when she had had enough, when she got to the point of barely being able to function and feeling suicidal and totally broken, she knew she didn’t want to keep living this way…

So she started to do something about it…

You may know you’re not happy, and still be able to function the way you are….or you may absolutely feel like you’re riddled with pain and only barely existing…

Regardless of where you are on the spectrum of ‘unhappiness’, If you are not happy with you, then your ‘way home’ is to go within, and to partner yourself in order to clean up your pain, and learn how to love and support yourself.



I have put together a quick questionnaire that I would love you to partake in, in regard to the topic Doing Healing Work On Myself. This survey will grant you a better understanding of how you may move through to Who You Really Want to Be, and where you are at in regard to your partnership with yourself.
Print these questions off, or right them down and answer them. If you would like to, and feel brave enough too (grin) please share your answers on this blog, and you may even want to share an explanation of how you personally feel about this topic!


Do you Commit to Working on Yourself?

1) I am totally committed to working on myself and apply personal development in my life:

a) Regularly – as a lifestyle every day
b) Once a week or more
c) Only occasionally
d) Very rarely
e) Never

2) The times when I commit to working on myself are:

a) As a lifestyle, I love to grow and become more conscious and empowered
b) When I feel myself slipping and know I need to work on myself
c) Occasionally for no particular reason
d) When other people suggest I attend a self development event
e) Never

3) I feel totally comfortable spending time with myself reading, journaling and doing healing visualisations

a) Yes, I love time alone committed to being with me
b) Sometimes I like to take time out to heal myself
c) Occasionally I will do it, but I usually have to force myself to do so
d) I am much more comfortable with someone else granting me information or healing me, than working on myself
e) I don’t grant myself inner attention

4) The reasons why I do or don’t commit to spending time healing myself are:

a) I love gaining awareness, answers and understanding , supporting and giving to myself on a deep level thus empowering my life
b) I am terrified about having to face what could be wrong with me
c) I don’t like my own company
d) I’m too busy looking after everyone else to look after me
e) I don’t have time for my own dedication because of my work / life commitments
f) I believe I am beyond hope, and it won’t work
g) I want someone else to give me love and support, and then I might believe I deserve to grant myself support and attention
h) I have no idea how to

I’m not going to provide you with any set results in regard to your answers. In fact this questionnaire is designed to prompt you to seek your answers for yourself – because that is what self-actualisation is all about!

If you would like to, please share your answers or any questions you may have about committing to your own journey of personal development.



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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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3 Thoughts on Release Codependency By Working On You!
    October 21, 2011

    Hi Melonie and others. I have been on a journey of self development now for over 25 years, or I thought I had…. since experiencing yet another damaging love relationship and horrible workplace (all at the same time) I was suicidal (again). I reached out to anyone who I thought would support me – and suddenly found myself totally ALONE. My psych kept telling me to be more ‘self loving’, but I didn’t even know what that meant. Bless google and the MTE site!!! It has been a rollercoaster few months, and I am working hard to sustain commitment to the work it takes to look within me, forgive myself and life and grow. I have read many e-books, done the NARC Recovery Program and am now half way through the Self empowerment e-course. I still have times when I’m lonely (I’m single and unemployed) but I feel so much calmer now, able to look more acceptingly at small setbacks that I’m sure are sent to test my resolve to walk in my truth. Some days I am too busy to do the work, and I know this is resistance, so I try to do just a little journalling. On the flip side, I feel like I’m in such a hurry to get this valuable work done, so I can get out of the pain, I hope I can keep up. I know the work is challenging, but absolutely worth it, my fear of the future is diminishing more and more. Bless you Melonie. And anyone out there, not sure of doing the work – JUST DO IT!

    Lee Tomlinson
    October 21, 2011

    Hi Melanie,
    If I would have completed a similar questionnaire six months ago the majority of my answers would have been a mix of ‘nevers’ and ‘I dont have any idea how tos’ but now (more so than what I would have imagined) personal development has become a regular part of my lifestyle, and it feels fantastic. Thank you for your continued guidance and support. Kindest regards

    Sally Amore
    January 27, 2014

    Hi Melanie,

    Your website is such a gift. I have read much on narcissism, and visited many websites, but yours by far is truly about healing. Many of the websites I have visited seem to give voice to “victims” of N’s, and there is a lot of venting about how hurt and angry they are–but not on this website, thank you.

    I have recently come out of a relationship with a man who has all the characteristics of an N. I see him as a catalyst to heal the wounds that I have carried within me for so many years. In this light, he has been a blessing in my life and I harbor no ill feelings towards him. It was I who willingly engaged in this relationship. I needed to be loved and validated so desperately and he did this so well for while. But like all relationships with N’s, the very wounds I ran from were eventually blown wide open in the devaluation stage. Finally, when we came to an end, I felt my wounds to the depths of the depths—I knew how unhealthy I had become.

    I realized at this time I could no longer live the way I always had, and although I had done a sufficient amount of self awareness work, I hadn’t healed. I did not try to run from my pain, in fact, I went into it, deeply. I prayed for the veil to be lifted from my eyes, and lo and behold, I found all the books I needed to begin my healing journey.

    I identified with much of your website, which has also become part of my process. After recently taking an expressive therapy workshop, I can say for the first time I am learning that it’s ok to be me, in fact, there isn’t anything to fix, only to heal.

    Blessings, Sally

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