Many beautiful people in this community give to please everyone and get walked on all over, all the time. Often until it hurts.
They believed that this was the right way to treat people. Yet, other people (especially narcissists) took advantage of this to suck dry and abuse them because they have so much to offer!
In this Thriver TV episode, find out how you can still be a giving, loving person and be loved, respected, and supported by others while maintaining yourself.
Video Transcript
The most beautiful people in the world consistently try to please others.
We believed that this was the right approach: ” Treat others how you would like to be treated.”
But why did this end up in so much disaster, especially with narcissists?
Why was our good nature thrown back in our faces and treated with so much contempt and abuse?
Today, I want to conduct a deep Quantum dive into this topic, peel it back, and help you understand the truth about it.
Let’s get going on this!
If You Don’t Piss Off Others, You Will Piss Yourself Off
I shared an Instagram post not long ago about the story of a man, woman, child, and donkey.
To simplify the story, the four of them were in a marketplace, and no matter who changed places on the donkey to try to keep people happy, they kept expressing their displeasure.
Comments such as, “Why is this man not letting his wife ride on the donkey?”, “Why is this woman not putting her small child on the donkey?” And, “What a selfish child riding the donkey while his parents have to walk!”
In the end, they all got on the donkey, and then, of course, people started shrieking, “Animal abuse!”
The moral of this story is that there is always going to be somebody who doesn’t agree with you. If you try to be everything to everyone, then you will be doing this at a cost to your own soul and truth.
This even applies to close intimates. When you are committed to being a Thriver and self-partnered, no one knows the truth of your journey, life, and soul any more than you do.
An incredible phenomenon starts to happen when you are.
You will tell the people in your life, “You don’t need to agree and join me. Either we allow each other to be ourselves and accept that, or if we can’t, we need to move on with our lives because we are simply not a match.”
This isn’t right or wrong. It just is. Life is not about getting it right for everybody. It’s about being true to yourself to generate a life that is truthful to everybody.
You are not being truthful if you agree with other people just so they will love and accept you. You are not giving them essential feedback about who you are and what does or doesn’t make you happy.
Inevitably, you are going to be miserable, and then you will not be a whole and happy person around them anyway!
There has been so much distortion and confusion regarding trying to keep others happy, thinking it can make us happy. But it never works like that!
The Deeper Quantum Truths
I hope that at this stage, Dear Thrivers, you are starting to understand that so many of my philosophies and healings are about so within and so without.
This means that as the generative force of your own experience, your life is not up to other people or circumstances outside of yourself.
It is about who you decide to be. What are your limits and truth? What is important to you? What is your soul calling you to do and experience?
There is only one you and your soul knows how to unfold exactly and accordingly with what is your True Self and True Life. Your soul and your emotions don’t get it wrong.
People and situations that are not your truth will never deliver your True Self and True Life. They will simply give you the pain, delays, blocks, and frustrations that tell you that you are not on track.
There is only one place where your life is being generated: from the authenticity and truth within yourself. When you are true to yourself and your Inner Being, you are true to life in the most honorable and the highest of ways.
What and who is your truth will gravitate towards you. You will stop being inauthentic to others by trying to be everything they want you to be, for you to be happy, and discovering that never makes other people happy anyway! It’s a bottomless pit!
Rather, it trains them to overlook, disrespect, and take advantage of you.
I understand that this is confronting.
But when we take the radical personal responsibility to understand that our lives are not up to anybody else, they are up to our own alignment with our Inner Being, which means being truthful to our own desires and lives.
By trying to keep everybody else happy, we are not even in the park, let alone near the goals.
People Don’t Treat Us As We Treat Them
Think about your life. The times when you gave and gave and gave were probably the times when you were most disrespected and taken for granted.
Why is this?
If we want to remain victims, we would say it is because other people are terrible!
But there is a much deeper truth to this, and that is when we understand the Quantum Law of so within, so without. We can accept and be empowered to realise that people are going to treat us in the identical ways that we treat ourselves.
If we say “yes” when we really want to say “no” and bend over backward to assist others so that we might get some scraps of their love and loyalty, we are not being truthful to ourselves.
And we are not coming from a place of fullness. Rather, we come from a place of emptiness and inner lack.
Then, these people will supply evidence of what is already going on inside us—more emptiness and lack.
Are you starting to understand?
It took me a while to understand this deeply.
I used to think that if I honored myself and filled up first before looking after others, this was somehow selfish.
I had to do a lot of deep inner work on myself to get out of the guilt that if I did look after myself, I was somehow wrong and that other people would not love me and approve of me.
Yet, when I cleared these awful traumas about guilt, responsibility, and obligation, I truly became free. I also discovered that love, respect, and support flooded into my life genuinely, completely matching the love, respect, and support I now had for myself.
I cannot recommend doing this essential inner work enough.
NARP Module 6 is powerful for healing these traumas and programming. I spent a lot of time hanging out in Module 6 work to get this right, and the results have been astounding,
As they will be for you!
If this deeply resonates with you, I cannot recommend enough that you check out the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) to release yourself from giving until it hurts.
If this sounds right and exciting to you, please click this link and sign up for NARP today.
It will change your life beyond recognition!
Thank you for watching this to the end. Please remember to like and share this video with other people you know; it can help. As always, I am thrilled about being able to answer your comments and questions below.
This reminds me of the words of our ancient Sages in my religious tradition: “ if I am not for myself, who will be; if I am only for myself, who am I; and if not now, when?”
For years I missed the subtle lesson of which part of the saying comes first! It’s not random.
Thank you,Melanie, for another wonderful, inspiring piece!
Amen to that
Why does it feel mean of me when I am setting boundaries and explaining to the abuser how they have hurt me? It’s confusing to me why at that point I feel like the mean one, but I do want them to know why I’m setting the boundaries. I am not the one ever dishing out the mistreatment and they perceive my pointing out the mistreatment and boundary setting as mistreatment to them!!! Mind bending I feel is the word you would use here.
Hi Julie, I had a similar experience. And I was just trying to explain that I didn’t resonate with how they were perceiving what I was communicating. And that they seemed to be interpreting it in a completely different way than I was trying to communicate it.
But it felt like I communicated it badly or something and they seemed to take it as an attack from me and kind of started attacking back. And I totally wasn’t trying to be attacking, but was doing the best I could to do it in a loving way. Apparently, I failed at it miserably. 🤷♀️
Hi, Elise,
I have been doing more reading on the blog and it looks like I was not healed enough when I making this attempt at setting my boundaries. I was very close but missing a key part. The key part missing is when I set these boundaries and I realized that the abuser was perceiving my boundary setting as attacking them Or being mean to them that just means that they are really proving they are indeed very vile and narcissistic. I would give it sometime to see if they could do what I asked which was treating me with respect and talking to me in a kinder way but most likely they cannot rise to my level, therefore we simply are not a match. They are to be pitied and I really should of never spent any time worrying about their response. Now that I am educated I would expect the response I received instead of being mad they couldn’t do what I asked and turned it on me. I hope this helps you.
Hi S,
I am so thrilled that you are receiving clear clarity.
You’re very welcome and love and many blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Mel, you opened up my eyes I am so grateful for the video I understand deeply. I have been giving always to those who did nothing I was totally emptied out. Making others happy at my own determint. I gave to everyone till it hurt. My daughter got angry when I put up boundaries by guilting me out. I really am going to take responsibility and be more honest and vulnerable as I have lied to keep others happy. It almost cost me my sobriety and mental health. No more if I piss people off so be it I am 57 yrs old I deserve a happy joyous free life as I have been through enough and I am no mar tyre. I am going to grant myself the best possible life ever, whether or not my family joins me. I am done with hurting. I am going to thrive.
Hi Luisa,
You truly are taking your power back.
Absolutely you are going to Thrive.
In many ways sweetheart you already are, because you are choosing your freedom.
So much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
I so much can relate to ALL you are saying Luisa!
The thing that needs the be figured out what you want to do with your own free self: what you want to become… and after that “define self” how do you get there somehow when you are not at the age when you can easily acquire new friends and do not want to feel lonely in this world… getting friends takes time as you know it and patience… it will be a long process… the only thing is left to do is committed to that long time frame and stuff coming with it…
Thank you Melanie! Although I am in therapy, I just signed up for your program, and it is helping me even more. Narcissism is genetic in my family, and my mother had both NPD and HPD. I am a senior woman in the healing process from CPTSD and PTSD who recently discovered my only child has the same two personality disorders as my mother. Her biological father is also a narcissist. In order to maintain a relationship with my daughter, I was a chameleon with her ever since she was a teenager, but no more. The first time I set a boundary not long ago, we became estranged. I will not go backwards again!
Hi Robbi,
You are very welcome.
I’m so pleased that NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp is helping and is complimentary to your therapy.
I love that you are not going forwards now into your True Self and True Life.
Sending many continued blessings and much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Wow Robbie, I can relate, thank you for posting. My husband, daughter and son in-law have different levels of NPD. I thought I was crazy for years because they are quick to label me if I stand in my own truth. It has been a horrific battle since her middle school years. Now they are using our grandson as a pawn, and accused me of abuse. I found this site and started doing the work I needed to heal. It has been life changing for me. I also will not go backwards again !!!
thanks m, nailed it as always !
Thank you Suzanne for your kind words!
So much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
I am a NARP member and I do love the videos. However, I feel like the modules are all the same. All the way down to the wording. How old were you, warm fluffy pillow, ball of light. It’s basically the same module each time. The only thing I find different is your videos before each one. Just thinking it might be a good idea to change it up a little so it doesn’t seem like you’re doing the same thing over and over.
Hi Andy,
please know that the QFH process is a specific coded process to release trauma and reprogram your subconscious.
Each module is different, because it is dealing with different traumas and downloads to reprogram those traumas.
Can you, suspend the feeling that it is the same, and set the intention that each module is for the releasing of each specific layer of traumatic programs and hooks not allowing you yet to break free into your Thriver liberation?
When you start contacting these specific traumas, which are incredibly unique to you and fascinating in their layers, you will understand just how each module is specific to not only these different traumas in each module, but also the deep, intricate and differing layers and beliefs that will be released each time you do a shift.
By doing so, you can begin to experience a profound releasing, healing and evolutionary process.
Also, please know Andy that if you are a NARP gold member, you can come into the NARP member’s forum http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member to receive free unlimited support regarding how to get the most out of your NARP module work.
I hope that this helps.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
I used to be very limited in what I was able to give or share. I had a daughter with cystic fibrosis, she passed in 2012. Her father was a narcissist; her care and the expense of her medicines were all my responsibility, because (I quote) “I’m the one who wanted to have a child.” Well, he was right about that, though some help with her care and the expenses would have been nice. But while I was married I didnt realize he was a narcissist, just thought he was over-the-top selfish. Being naive, I met a 2nd narcissist a few years before my daughter died. I had all kinds of empty promises that if I helped him with this-and-that he would help with my expenses when we married. Well guess what, no surprise to the smarter than me, he left our relationship owing me a few thousand dollars I know will never see again. It’s hard to know who should go first in the giving game. But I admit, I should not have given more than once until something was reciprocated, and I’m ashamed to admit I gave (to my own detriment) over a period of 5 years while receiving nothing. He’s a narcissist for sure, because when I begged for repayment because I needed to help my daughter, he took his savings and bought a 16 foot camper trailer – then had another woman spend weekends camping with him. On top of my grief and loss of my darling daughter, he taunted me with how his new woman was prettier and more fun to be with, and taunted by calling to say he was mailing me a payment for what he owed me, but no check ever came. That is why I feel so ashamed for helping him financially, because now I know he definitely wasnt worth it. My grief is compounded because I should have spent the money I gave to him on my darling daughter. He continues to call approx every 90 days, and always start the conversation with I’m sending you a check (so I wont hang up I’m guessing) then launches into his fun new girlfriends, all the traveling he is doing, how everything is great with his children, etc. And I am left to feel like, Wow, I never knew kindness and helping someone out would cause them to want to spit on you and torture you. I don’t think I’ll ever want to help anyone again. I’ve been made a fool of.
Hi Debby,
My heart goes out to you and so much love and condolences in regard to your daughter passing.
Please don’t be hard on yourself. So many of us used to give until it hurt as well, and through good energy after bad to our detriment. We didn’t know boundaries or how to honour ourselves, and none of this was our fault, just as it is not yours.
I promise you Debby there is a way out of this terrible pain and into a life with other people that can work. And I really want you to know that you’re not alone in what has happened, and in no way does what happened make you foolish.
Debby, I would love you to check into my 16 day free course which I know can grant you a lot of peace, answers and clarity http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse
Sending you love and healing.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Debby, block this guy’s number or stop answering his calls. You’ve lost money you know very well you’ll never see, but sadly, you have more significant pain.Don’t keep letting him trigger you. You owe it to yourself to purge him forever from your life. Absolutely no good can or will result from keeping in touch with this loser, user, abuser.
Well said Pam! Block, and never look back.
There’s always something helpful I can take away from your videos, Melanie–thank you! I was thinking that one of the most HELPful things you can do for others is to set healthy boundaries. I’m still learning that one but working towards it! It’s important to pursue a life of integrity and goodness, and in THAT, there is strength. ❤
Hi Suzanne,
I’m so pleased you enjoy my videos, and that this one provided clarity and power to you!
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Melanie,
Thank you once again for pointing out the key fundamental truths that escaped me my whole life. Somehow somewhere I accepted the message that I was not important. I ended up in a marriage that was based on lies I told to myself and to others. I tried to be someone I was not and it nearly destroyed me. Thank you again for being truthful and direct. We need to hear this, over and over until it sticks. I bought NARP right after my divorce but haven’t done the modules because I was not ready. I’m feeling more ready to confront my traumas with every episode. Please don’t ever stop doing this important service to others. You are truly a blessing.
Hi Carrie,
it is my pleasure.
Please know sweetheart that once you start doing NARP, you won’t need to hear this message over and over, because you will be able to embed it directly into your subconscious, where the powerful shift will “just take place”.
Truly, my episodes are a supplement to that, and not the actual healing itself.
That’s great that you are going to start working with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp real soon.
Sending you healing and blessings
Mel 🙏💕💚
[…]Life is not about getting it right for everybody. It’s about being true to yourself (in order to generate a life that is truthful to everybody).[…]
Thanks so much, Melanie. I don’t have any tattoos, but this quote is certainly tatt worthy!
I used to think it was a generational thing and how we were raised (to always be “nice”). But on my journey, I have figured out “nice” is a euphemism for doormat/the n-parent’s manipulative conditioning. And just because I get this now, doesn’t mean I can spot a door crasher a mile away. But, I’m not afraid anymore because I don’t care if my “no” inconveniences an opportunist/manipulator/narc. (Opportunity = making my time and/or my money their’s (a sale, etc.)) It all boils down to choice and personal responsibility for the outcome. If I get taken advantage of it’s because *I* let them do it. If I feel guilty for “letting” someone (X), then again the guilt is *my* fault. If I get called a “b!tch!”, I take it as positive feedback! It means I’m being a boundary boss and I am self-advocating. Recently circumstances left me no alternative but to step out of my cocoon and deal with difficult circumstances and people. I was my n-mom’s caregiver and advocate during her 5 month illness/end of life, and in the end she presented me with two opportunities to say no. The first was denying her request to die in my home, and the second time was when, after having lived more than a week in hospice with her at her request, I packed my bag and parted ways so she could finish her journey on her own. She finally let go because I let her go. And interesting how a narc rears their ugly head even in those times. Within one hour of her passing, two n’s stepped into my field. (Many people are compassionate, some *act* compassionate. ) The first tried to shame and guilt me into not being with my mom when she passed, telling me when I finally made it back to her, “Well, her body is still warm.” I gave her zero feedback because I recognized she was standing in a place of judgement and that sort of judgement can never be satisfied. I was at peace with my decision and relieved she finally crossed over and that’s all that mattered. I smiled at the narc and then walked to my mom and kissed her bye. I continued to ignore her and only spoke to my brother. The second narc I gave a one-word response to (“no”) and then deflected the rest of the conversation to my brother and ignored her after that. If she tried to engage me, I turned to my brother and asked him what he thought deferring to him and that was it. It’s my challenge is to recognize it and “swipe” it from my field, (no energy) not to point it out and demand they (X) (energy). It’s like when [you] have a wth reaction to what someone is doing or saying, do not knee jerk react. Detach for that brief moment and ask yourself what is the payoff/who benefits. Don’t feed the beast.
Boundaries are key, people. If you’re afraid to get out in the world, it’s because you don’t trust yourself to say ‘no’ and that means your have a major gap which is a lack of boundary. NARP will strengthen your resolve to say, ‘no!’. If that word is too difficult to say, try a softer lob: “It doesn’t work for me.” Not the answer a door crasher likes to hear, but you’re making it about ‘you’ (which is the point!) not them. Lastly, as Mel points out, if we say no, that door crasher is going to knock up against another “door” and given [them] the opportunity to be a boundary boss and heal. If that makes you clutch your pearls, remember it’s not our job to protect them (out there,) we’re meant to protect ourselves.
Hi Nicole,
ha ha that’s an awesome thing to say!
So much love to you Nicole and thank you for your post to all!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Everyday I try to make sense of things and your article’s give me directions in the midst of trying to make things make sense because I come from a background whereby I thought people are inherently good. Thanks very much for opening my eyes and thoughts everyday 🥰
Hi Betty,
it is my pleasure and I’m so pleased that I can help.
Love and blessings to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Oh Thank you, Melanie,
This is right on time and right on the money for me right now for sure! I am working with the NARP healing a lot of trauma right now currently module 1 as I am a newbie but thank you for telling me about module 6 because I have been programmed since childhood to help everyone else around me as I had a very dependant mother who was mentally ill. This has created the rescuer/savior for me giving away myself in the exact ways you mentioned in your blog and now behold at 43 I am really pissed off big time because I have never been able to live my own life independently. Will module 6 help with feeling responsible for others/caretaker and giving away my best etc and everything that may be attached to these traumas as it has created much resentment for me in my life for I am still caretaking in many ways and want to break free.
Thank you,
Pene
Hi Penelope,
You are very welcome, and I’m so pleased that this was timely for you. That is great that you are working with NARP ww.melanietoniaevans.com/narp
Absolutely module six is all about releasing those feelings of being over-responsible for people, as well as healing all of the resentment and the trauma that you’ve experienced as a result of this.
Truly you won’t know yourself after working Module Six of NARP. It is one of my own personal favourites.
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thanks Mel…you’re knocking it out of the park! ⚾️
Just loved this video so much.
Today, after trying to break through and create conversation, my efforts fell flat. Instead of having a negative, energy wasting reaction,……thriver training kicked in like an invisible shield.(now, I want to go back and renew that first real victory elation,with module 6) The verbal and negative energy that was tossed back never reached the intended target.
Some of the postings express reasons for putting off module work. Like jumping into a pool and feeling uncomfortable at first, in time, the water feels great and you never want to get out. The same with Quantum healing….once you clear the first hurdle you will never want to turn back again…or stop splashing!!!
This is a lesson i’ve been very gradually learning over the past seven years- even when I was still living with my husband and unable to see how I was being abused. I really appreciate that you mention how module six helps specifically with this- I have been working on module five (feeling a little stuck) for a long time and debating whether or not I feel done with it- but this inspires me to move on as I know I have deep seated subconscious programs that make it extremely challenging to set proper boundaries and to feel confidence that is not based on external achievements. Thank you for sharing that information on Module six. Please stay safe and healthy.
Hi Amy,
Module Six of NARP will help you so much with your boundaries and confidence.
I will stay safe and healthy Amy, and wishing you the same lovely lady
Mel 🙏💕💚
Hi Amy…….Way to go girl!!! Give yourself a big pat on the back!!! I can see and feel that you are making an honest effort to grow and heal!!! Making any kind of first move is often the hardest part, right? Also we have this habit of rationalizing bad behaviour……we all do it!
One of the many gifts that Melanie lovingly teaches us not to beat ourselves up. Always moving forward and keeping us on track, leaves the positive direction ,our only pathway left to us. We are sooooooooo lucky!!!
I have a wonderful therapist who understands narsicism, and does EMDR. She recently told me that if i feel guilty about something(like not doing something for others), maybe it’s the right thing. I had to laugh, but she’s been spot on.
Hi Melanie,
What you are saying is also stated by Jordan Peterson, “Treat yourself as someone you are responsible for helping”. We would take care of a sick person or a pet or a child, but we somehow put ourselves last, to our detriment. My nature is to give and please until I’m emptied out, but as you pointed out, this doesn’t serve anyone: I was just getting resentful, and others didn’t respect me. This is also not me being true or authentic or respectful to myself. Taking responsibility for taking care of me, and learning to say “No”, doesn’t mean people will like me less, and if they do, well, they’re not aligned with my values anyway and I don’t really need them in my life. Still a work in progress, but getting there.
Thank you so much for doing what you do!
Surrounding friends still in contact with the narcissist. I feel betrayed that they have not been transparent with me surrounding knowledge that the narc will be in town and they have plans with them whilst staying at my house. I’ve asked that they keep their relationships with her separate from me post finding this info out. Though it was from a third party so I am struggling with some trust issues. I don’t find it to be in my power to ask them to not remain friends but expected they would respect me enough to let me know when someone who caused me so much harm was going to be around especially while staying with me. if they weren’t staying with me I wouldn’t feel so upset. I’ve told this friend they are going to need somewhere else to stay, they are continuing to hold their ground that I am treating them like the narc and that they haven’t been untrustworthy but I disagree. I worry that I should’ve been more clear and confident in wanting info around when the narc will be in close proximity to my life through my friends and maybe this would’ve been avoided but that feels like its inappropriate. They will never fully understand what this person did and I can appreciate the experience and learn from it but that does not mean I have to accept being disrespected. I feel like I’ve trusted my gut in this situation I sat with it and did a lot of module 8 work around it and meditated and still came back to the same feelings and push to tell this person no but definitely feel some of that guilt or fear that I’ve done the wrong thing.