Melanie Tonia Evans

Taking Personal Responsibility – Your #1 Tool To Get Your Recovery Started

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 18
90
Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

This topic may lose some of you – and truly that is okay, because even though this is the case, it will also “find” many of you – in that you will have the ability to totally find yourself, pick up the key and turn it in order to create true relief and the happy, fulfilling life you really want to live.

There is one defining factor that creates healing, more so than any other, and that is Taking Personal Responsibility for what happened to you.

This is the part where you may feel intense triggers, and even get incensed by the next thing that I am going to say … but I challenge you to hang in there, and read further, because if you do – you may have an incredible shift that finally, finally is going to release you from the pain ….

So I urge you to stay with me, even though every fibre of your body may be resisting doing so ….

Okay this is the part that may really shake up your anger and make you feel like throttling me … but here it is all the same ….

 

Personal Responsibility is about acknowledging and wanting to heal. It means identifying and accepting: What is it about me that has attracted, maintained and allowed this abuse in my life to take place?

 

There may be some of you who are already in this place and are working on yourself and are gaining great relief and empowerment as a result of doing so …. I am happily connected to many of you, as well as other clients and individuals who are growing, healing and embracing the creation of wonderful new lives every day ….

OR,

You may be a person who feels indignant in these comments, you may feel like I am blaming you and somehow saying, “You asked to be abused” … and as a result you may feel, you will never, ever take responsibility for that.

You may even send me an angry email telling me your incensed feelings. That’s okay if you do – I do occasionally receive them ….

 

Why Do We Stay Stuck in the Pain of Victimhood?

Okay I’ll offer you my point blank observations (not my imaginings) and you can also do some research for yourself to clarify, and gather some information regarding what I am about to say.

People who have not as yet done the shift into taking Personal Responsibility, feel victimised, they feel intense pain, and they repetitively feel the same pain, obsessive thoughts, and addictive pulls, as well as a myriad of other anguished, stuck and agonising feelings over and over again ….

Whereas, people who take Personal Responsibility start moving away from this position ….

There are very good reasons for the difference, and no matter which way you turn it over and look at it, the simple facts remain the same. People who have not taken Personal Responsibility don’t move through the healing stages, because they are stuck in resentment and pain, as a result of still resisting the “acceptance” of what happened..

They hold the position: I will never accept what happened to me – it was wrong and a horrible mistake.

Acceptance is a very crucial aspect of any healing ….

People who take Personal Responsibility move through resentment and pain to acceptance much more easily.

They flow forward into: I will accept that what happened to me was a perfect part of my personal journey in order to firm up and heal my unhealed parts that allowed and participated in this. Even though it was tough and really painful, it was “right” because I needed this experience to heal.

People who don’t take Personal Responsibility feel powerless in their own lives, to create love, joy, happiness and freedom.

They hold the position: Because I had nothing to do with what happened to me, my wellbeing is completely dependent on what you did or didn’t do to me. Now I have no hope of fixing this myself, the only solution is YOU fixing it for me.

… Which of course a narcissist is never going to do … (or really anyone else for that matter) ….

People who do take Personal Responsibility feel powerful in their own lives, in their ability to create love, joy, happiness and freedom.

They flow forward into: Because I had everything to do with what happened to me, I have the ability to change myself, and therefore change my experiences so that I can re-create a life that is much more to my liking. This is no way depends on what you do or don’t chose to do.

People who don’t take Personal Responsibility don’t love and unconditionally accept themselves, and try to hide their vulnerable / broken / “not right” parts from others (as well as themself), and keep attracting people into their life that keep exposing these parts to them, and consequently experience people who don’t love, support and accept them for who they are unconditionally.

They hold the position: There is nothing wrong with me, it was his / her / their fault, I was the victim. Now I am upset and angry that people keep coming into my life who are also “wrong” and keep hurting me.

People who do take Personal Responsibility learn how to love and unconditionally accept themselves.

They flow forward into: I’m human, I have faults and as a result of not having good boundary function, love and respect for myself in the past, other people were supplying “more of that,” and I continued to allow it, and I took on their issues and made it about me. Now that I am committed to learning how to accept, support, encourage and love myself unconditionally, I have the ability to choose people and experiences that will contribute to this, rather than participating in and staying attached to abuse.

People who don’t take Personal Responsibility have fixations and obsessions regarding the person who “did them wrong” and can’t seem to move past the thoughts and feelings about “What if’s,” “What went wrong,” “What I could have done differently?,” “If only he / she had changed,” “How can someone behave like that?” and all the other tormented thoughts, intense regrets, devastation and disappointments regarding how they lost the future they thought they would have with this person.

They hold the position: You were meant to be “the one,” it was meant to work, and because it didn’t, my life now feels shattered, painful and devastated. I may never recover from this, and feel like I can’t move on.

People who do take Personal Responsibility flow forward into the realisations: You were always meant to be in my life for me to heal, and we weren’t meant to be a relationship, it was for the purpose of me healing unfinished business so that I could create a real relationship. Now that I have accepted this as truth I can take the gift (this awareness and the key to my healing), work on myself and get creative, excited and empowered about the real life and love I can now create.

People who don’t take Personal Responsibility feel limited. They believe that they may never experience love again, that their opportunity is missed, and that they are too old, not attractive enough, not worthy and not lovable.

People who do take Personal Responsibility feel unlimited. They know they are love, they believe in love, they can sense and feel their alignment to it in their future. They know that the soul truth of love has no logical, age or aesthetic restrictions, and is created from self-love, self-acceptance and self-worthiness from the inside out.

People who don’t take Personal Responsibility feel intense pain, anger, sorrow and as a result experience feelings of resentment, injustice and revenge. They remain toxically enmeshed and obsessively stuck in the past.

People who do take Personal Responsibility feel relief, joy, exhilaration, perfection and gratitude. They are released from their past and move forward into freedom, joy and new creations.

People who don’t take Personal Responsibility feel stuck and victimised

People who do take Personal responsibility feel free and liberated

People who don’t take Personal Responsibility feel fear

People who do take Personal responsibility feel love …

Now who are you? …

Which kind of person do you want to be?

Even if you have not been taking responsibility for years (or possibly a lifetime) you can alter and choose to be the person you want to be. After all, this is what taking personal responsibility is all about. You have a choice in this eternal moment of now … and that is all that there truly is. Who do you want to be, and what do you want to start creating now?

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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90 Thoughts on Taking Personal Responsibility – Your #1 Tool To Get Your Recovery Started
  • moriahandrea12@gmail.com'
    Andrea Moriah
    January 16, 2012

    Dear Melanie — it is uncanny how your emails come at exactly the same time as I am experiencing the things you are talking about. I am in the middle of “acceptance” of responsibility and “blaming” my ex for ruining my life (leaning now more toward acceptance, thank God). Much of what you say about fixing the moment has a lot to do with the Jewish concept of Tshuvah (accepting responsibility of “sin”, fixing it in the moment, thereby healing the past – since the moment is “eternal” as you said) , which I am now studying. I would like to interact personally with you somehow but don’t know which is the best route – buying your books or speaking to you personally.

    • mysztykat@yahoo.com'
      Kathy
      June 29, 2013

      Since I found Melanie online, I have finally begun to heal. I told my narcissist to leave and immediately filed for divorce in Jan 2009. Here it is June 2013, and I’m still trying to get rid of him. I cut off all contact during divorce proceedings. After our divorce, he defaulted on two business loans that I was a personal guarantor on. I was a stay at home mom for 20 years, and didn’t even realize I had signed anything like that until we were in the process of divorce. Once our divorce was final, I sent a written request to be released. The bank acknowledged they received my request, but did not release me. One year later,I learned the narc had defaulted when the bank filed a lawsuit against me for over $6mil. After tens of thousands of dollars in attorney fees, I was forced in to filing a Chap 11 five months ago. I believe this is the only way my ex feels in control of me. He doesn’t care that I’m still taking care of our youngest child, who is still in school. The toughest thing to shut off is the anger. I lost any feelings of love for him before I ended the so-called marriage. It’s been almost impossible to fully get on with my life while he keeps dragging me down with the fear of losing everything. I feel like I’m just going through the motions some days. It was so refreshing to learn that logic is not what’s going to heal me. I’m living proof of that. I know now that I have to go inside myself, and start taking responsibility for allowing myself to live like that for so long, in order to start repairing and healing. I think I’m beginning to really understand why my 23 year old daughter doesn’t seem to have much respect for me (that really hurts). Being angry, hurt, and scared is only holding me back. Thank you.

    • staceybowersok@hotmail.com'
      stacey
      September 23, 2016

      I came to this site, because I was sick of drowning in victimhood. I never knew a narc in my life, but I can see how I was at least culpable, at that time, of drawing one in. It has taken years, to get rid of the a44h..e that virtually ruined me and all I stand for. Of course I should have seen what he was. I am more than old enough to see and recognise what crap looks like. In my defence, I had never met anyone whose sole mission in life was to hurt me in every way possible, just to make themselves feel better. I’m not everyones cup of tea. I get that. But if you don’t like who I am, why are you still camped out in my house? Never mind. I fought back. Every which way. This lunatic wasn’t doing this to me. BIG mistake. Had I have just took hold of it seven years ago, I would have saved myself the misery. And seven years on the home stretch. Trust me when I tell you a malignant narc is unfixable. Wipe your mouth, leave the table, and hope to god that his next target is more malleable than you were. Hope she is his water at the same level. Then pull yourself up, by your bootstraps if necessary, gorgeous girl, and, once having seen the part you played in the charade of “love with a fruitloop” move on. There is no other way. Oh, he wont like it. Hell tell you he s dying. He s going to kill himself, then he will threaten you, stalk you and …… ultimately get pissed off and leave. One thing he will not do is enhance the quality of life you deserve. xx

      • slb1967@hotmail.co.uk'
        Sue
        February 6, 2017

        Hi Stacey. Your comments rang true to me. I told had never met a narc although my ex husband was an alcoholic wife beater who threatened to kill me or take our kids away if I left! I was a strong independent woman before I met him. How can I be called a victim or be blamed in any way for how he treated me? I didn’t like what I read in the article at first as I don’t think it is relevant to everyone in abusive relationships but your ex sounds like the last boyfriend i finished with 6 months ago. He is now stalking me, says he loves and misses me. He wants me back and tries everything to get me to do things for him using emotional blackmail or his dog mainly (I’m sure he’s used her many times to get women to do what he says)! Usually… my dog misses you, she isn’t well and I could do with your help. I need someone to look after her and I only trust you with her. Etc etc.. why do I still feel sorry for him? I see someone vulnerable to and scared of being left alone so I want to help him. I think that makes me kind but not a victim. If I was a victim or if you were wouldn’t we still be with them? I was just curious as to what yours was like. My ex triangulated me with a friend until we fell out. He flirted and really disrespected me with a few other women. He held back emotionally, no hugs and no empathy. I have read they don’t feel these emotions and I’d love someone to explain to me how they can be blamed for something they can’t feel? He never hit me and was kind in some ways, very generous with money. He just enjoyed being with other women and did seem to enjoy making me jealous. I suppose just that in itself is enough to make a woman leave a relationship. He knew how I felt and told me not to change him so that’s that 🙁 he told me I was the love of his life and best friend. I really felt that to so why not change a bit for me. It’s not asking much to stay with your true love. I’m very confused and sad right now 🙁 I hope you are doing OK x

  • wedangerfield@y7mail.com'
    Wendy
    January 16, 2012

    This article rang very true to me. As I have been seperated for 4 months and realised my soon to be ex was a narcissist. I want to be able to move forward which to date I haven’t. This article was the inspiration I needed to accept what has happend and take Personal Responsibility starting today.

  • myersseattle@msn.com'
    Ann
    January 16, 2012

    Dear Melanie, I too feel stuck in between acceptance and blaming. I have accepted what he is and that he cannot change. I have accepted that my codependency and lack of boundaries made me a great target and am working on those issues in me. What I am having trouble with is that my ex lied about being sterile and now I have a child with him that he doesn’t support and I need the money. How do I accept that I shouldn’t expect him to pay for his child or is that completely out of this realm. Because this issue generates a lot of anger in me that I would love to be free of. Any advice?

    Thanks!

    • hope2endure@gmail.com'
      Kimberly Todd
      January 20, 2012

      DNA Test and take him to court.

      • sandraseley@yahoo.com'
        Sandra
        June 19, 2013

        From personal experience, I can tell you that the money is less important than the constant aggravation. If he is willing to just disappear, let him. If he wants contact with your child, then hold him completely and constantly responsible and accountable to uphold his end of the bargain (full child support, on time and as agreed, keeping all appointed meetings, on time and as agreed, etc.). If he truly wants a relationship with his child, you cannot stop him if he is doing everything you both agreed to, however, you don’t have to give him access to yourself. If he is truly interested in his relationship with your child, he will behave himself. If he just wants to use the child to get to you, hold his feet to the fire, make him accountable and he will soon move on. Sorry you are in this position. I was in a similar sit. myself, but it was not with a narc. By not requiring child support of him, he was willing to just disappear. If he had later decided he wanted to get involved, he was going to have to pay all back child support, after proving paternity and a court order. Money was tight, but I was able to love and enjoy my time with my child without his interference. Believe me, it couldn’t have worked out better.

        • davez1959@gmail.com'
          Dave
          January 24, 2016

          There is no possible good that can come out of contact with your ex psychopath narcissist. This is only my opinion

    • cyndespence@yahoo.com'
      Cynde
      September 9, 2013

      My soon-to-be-ex narcissist claimed to be sterile also! He made such a big story about “UCLA test case study fertility treatments, how embarrassing it all was, and would not do another sperm count.” I found out I was pregnant just after finding out the truth about his horrible debts & finances as we were purchasing a home together. I was also in the final year of a 5 year architecture program. He lied about being a professor and got me to marry him after just 4 months of dating. He “wanted to take care of me and my 3 kids, because he couldn’t have any of his own.” I felt sorry for the poor, ugly, old man and because of my poor boundaries and past sexual, physical, emotional abuse, I tried to help him, love him, make a family with him. However, once the truth started being revealed, I was in so deep, pregnant, scared, afraid of losing everything, my education, potential careers, that it seemed “logical” to “make things work.” The pregnancy was high stress, hyperemisis gravidarum, pre-term labor, gestational diabetes, cervical funneling…all due to extreme crazymaking, constant chaos, “gaslighting” emotional abuse. Fortunately, the baby was born very healthy, despite him assuring me that she would certainly perish at any moment before, during, or after labor. Mastitis and postpartum depression followed, more gaslighting, manipulation, my “suicide” attempt, he claimed he “rescued” me from, calling the police, paramedics, all family and church friends. long story short, I am glad to be away from him, 2 years today! Although the battle to protect our now 6 year old from his continual emotional abuse continues, I am getting stronger and healthier for me, and my children. Unfortuantely, my oldest daughter believes his lies and thinks that I am the crazy one. Someday, she will see it, the way all 3 others have, but until then, I will keep standing on the truth that I know and keep on my recovery path!

    • Terioste@msn.com'
      Toster
      October 1, 2013

      Ann, You can go to the dept of child support services and they will help you for free. They will attach his wages , take his drivers license, passport will not be renewed and make his life hell. Be forewarned that there may be some backlash from your ex. Mine was furious and now trying to get custody of our 17 year old son. The law is on your side. Grow some thick skin when it comes to your ex.

    • jeraldryan1@yahoo.com'
      Jerry Ryan
      February 29, 2016

      Definitely get a DNA and make him pay child support. The child deserves that and letting him go may encourage him to do it to others. As a man who grew up without my father giving support to my mom, I know what a burden that can be. Make the SOB PAY

      • mallen22@hotmail.com'
        tinkerbell
        August 12, 2016

        That is fine (make them pay) for someone who is not a narcissist. Narcissists will think nothing of hurting a child emotionally, physically, and sometimes even sexually if they know it will cause great hurt to the parent as well. If they will leave you alone because they are not willing to pay child support, that is the biggest gift you can give your children.

  • michelledeklerk@hotmail.com'
    Michelle
    January 16, 2012

    Dear Melanie, thank you for this … it is as though I am reading a mirror of my own experience. This seems to happen quite a bit with most things in my life lately ~ a deeper meaning to being in the flow and exactly where I am meant to be. Namaste’

  • divyathomas@in.ibm.com'
    Divya M Thomas
    January 16, 2012

    Dear Melanie…Thanks for the article. I am also recovering myself from my narcissistic husband. i have filed for divorce(joint petition) and waiting for final verdict in March. Now the problem that i am facing here is, when it was a joint petition(when he was egoistic about divorcing me, i asked for jp and he agreed to it, as he couldnt deny ..else it would hamper his ego) though my close family knows his narcissistic traits, he and his narcissistic mother still calls my not so close relatives (who are not actually aware of the entire problem) and behaves so good to them. My relatives keep coming back to me saying, he is so concerned about my future and my daughter’s future.Even if he would get good proposals, he still comes back to you, which means he loves you. I am unable to convince them, as he has started sending abusive and cute mails(vicious cycle) again after a gap of 5 months. Also he is coming back as i am financially very much sound and a lot capable than him. His plan was to get my family share and then leave me, before which i decided to divorce him. I am waiting till the final verdict and not responding to his mails (NO CONTACT from me since i decided to leave him, 1 yr). I am waiting for March, when i would be finally detached from him legally. I have been able to recover and i have accepted my mistakes..and i am able to forgive him as well, as he became a narcissist becoz of his narcissist mother(Golden Child of the mother).

    • hope2endure@gmail.com'
      Kimberly Todd
      January 20, 2012

      Good for you!!

    • sarah.sears.77@gmail.com'
      Sarah_Seattle
      May 22, 2013

      Way to go! Good for you, lady! Keep up the good work! I’m so happy to hear a success story in addition to Melanie’s.

  • Melanie
    January 16, 2012

    Hi Anfrea,

    that is lovely that your journey is so sychronistic! I adore the way the Universe works in that way..but of course you know that your soul is attracting all that you need!(YOU are Source / Life / Universe) I’d love to talk too! How about you email me at melanie@melanietoniaevans.com and we can take it from there?

  • Melanie
    January 16, 2012

    I mean Andrea! Sorry re typo 🙂

  • Melanie
    January 16, 2012

    Hi Wendy,

    I gives me great joy to help assist your Truth into freedom and personal responsibility. That is wonderful news! Bless xo

    • jazzkitten@live.co.uk'
      Rebecca
      February 1, 2012

      I cannot tell you how much your wisdom resonates for me. I am in a situation of pure horror – i accept that i struggle to let go of my narcissistic husband because it is like giving up on my battle and struggle to be loved by my mother (physically and emotionally abusive and neglectful). Last week, my husband strangled me until I lost consciousness – I think because I had let slip to a mutual friend that he is not 100% perfect. I fought to keep him out of jail and he is now returned and i am back to serving and pleasing and begging and feeling unloved and round and round. I had power to be free for a few moments but now his sense of invincibility is palpable. I grieved for his absence, until i was without breath in my body – it seemed irrelevant that he was in prison for my attempted murder, i just craved him. I am physically ill but he has convinced me and i have accepted his argument, that i am far more incapable of looking after myself and my kids than i am.
      I accept that this is not a healthy self loving place but i am so unsure of how to move on. I feel responsible for him and i am consumed with a need for him but he says he does not love me, desire me but will never leave me. Any words of encouragement will be a blessing xxxx your description of the npd was shockingly accurate and i accept my boundary issues. Much love for your wonderful work x

      • carmenprado46@yahoo.com'
        car
        March 20, 2014

        I too experience this the verbal abuse daily and the physical near death weekly or every five days. I have been told by different people I must like it. those words drive me insane becsause I do not like it but I know better and I keep going back to him.aaagghh!!!

  • Melanie
    January 16, 2012

    Hi Ann,

    I would highly suggest some healing work on this, in order to release it and get the necessary shift – truly that would be your best solution. Check out Quanta Freedom Healing, and I’d love to have the opportunity to help shift you into where you would like to be emotionally with this.

  • Melanie
    January 16, 2012

    Hi Diyva,

    truly my dear there is still resistance and your need for boundary function that needs work. You may have logically recovered, but emotionally there is still pain and injustice. I would highly recommend you really commit to working on yourself in order to be emotionally free, accepting and empowered, where other people’s behaviour and ‘not getting it’ no longer has anything to do with the reality you are being, validating and creating for yourself. You also do not want to be a vibrational match for attracting and needing to re-live more of this abuse in the future as a result of not doing the full healing / recovery on it within yourself (the necessary work on the inner you). Which we always will, regardless of how much we think we have it logically sorted, no matter how intelligent we are, and no matter how we think that we would never fall for it, or get involved in it again. If we have not vibrationally / emotionally cleaned it up – we will sign up for another serve unconsciously regardless. My suggestions are that you look at this seriously..as we all need to, when we have been narc abused…

  • Melanie
    January 16, 2012

    Hi Michelle,

    you are completely welcome, and it is wonderful that this information resonates deeply with where your soul is. Bless xo

  • kimigirl7l@gmail.com'
    kimi
    January 16, 2012

    Checking

  • rita.vanvollenstee@liberty.co.za'
    Rita van Vollenstee
    January 16, 2012

    Melanie,

    Thank you, this is so great! I have accepted that this experience was meant to happen, that it was a “shake-up” for me to correct past learned behaviour. I recognise the things that need to change in myself: finding my ‘no’, setting boundaries, “growing up”. I know why I was predisposed to be a perfect target for a Narcissist and I want to move on from there. This relationship resulted in a trauma bond, but I have maintained now contact. The pain of separating was preferable to the sickening black hole I was in.
    Now, I find that anger erupts explosively at times – in certain situations. Usually when I feel I am not being respected, when I am being taken advantage of. Speaking up now is really difficult but it has to be done! Slowly I am learning to stand my ground.
    Just one thing – I still have a very deep grief that does not seem to leave. I often have a good cry and do feel a little lighter afterward, but the pain my chest remains. I’m not sure what this is about – the loss, the loss of my father who I suspect was the original reason for my dysfunctional relational disposition. (I loved him and feared him at the same time.) Lost myself in trying to be a good girl, agreeing with everything he said just to maintain peace. (I have made peace with the past.)

    This process of recovery is happening in shifts and starts and I imagine that it will get better. Just the grief?

    Rita

  • Jaymatucker@yahoo.com'
    Jaye
    January 17, 2012

    Your blog has been a crucial part of my ability to move forward after a 30 year relationship with a narcissist. He left me 10 months ago and continues to blame me for everything that went wrong in our relationship while simultaneously telling me he now wants to reconcile. Although it took awhile, I was able to accept personal responsibility for my situation and actively sought to rebuild my life. I am at peace with what happened, can see the many lessons I learned, and recognize how blessed I truly am. I am happier now than I’ve ever been in my adult life.

  • pianozumbamom@gmail.com'
    Robin Cunningham
    January 17, 2012

    My exhusband of 13 years is a narcissist. I am mainly suffering because of the influence he has had on my kids. My 24 year old believes all his lies, tried and continues to try to sway my other three away from me. Currently, she is married and living in another state and will not speak to me (or rarely) and refers to me by first name, as her dad taught her as a 13 year old. She “faked” a good relationship with me for the 10 years she was at home, took the money for college and wedding, etc etc and then turned on me. She tells others she was a mom to the younger kids, especially my twins (now 15, boys). Without going into detail, the bottom line is she tries to “replace” me as mom, has the twins completely enamoured (though their relationship with me is good), worships her dad, does all she can to create havoc in my life. She feels she left me and everyone in my life will leave me. This is her common theme. WHAT TO DO???? She is my child. At the time, I send periodic emails, texts, just to say how are you and I love you. She also has cut out my friends from her life who did so much for her. As a side, my ex was involved in porn/women and hid it the first 10 years of our 13 year marriage. His behavior has not changed – dishonest and abusive. Again, my oldest believes all he says.

  • christineshor@aol.com'
    christine
    January 17, 2012

    Hi Melanie,
    I am almost at the same place where Rita is….I am just at the place where I will be applying this new self of boundary living….
    I still have a very deep lingering on and off grief which is a combination of how could I have done this to myself and why…which i know the answers and why cant i have a friendship with the narcissist, which i know is impossible and I dont want one anyway with a person of this condition. However, i am moving emotionally from this thought life but they linger in the background of this transition. I also still have the perverse sexual fantasies that he made to be acceptable for the “good girl” under the disguise of love .I have started the Quanta Healing Program and I would like to discuss this with you further. I have a difficult time sitting with this process..i have moved from the intense pain and I can only tap into the top layer due to fear of being consumed with that anguish again… I am in counseling and also have started with a Life Coach and I have your program, which was a Godsend to me.. Your ebooks, articles and radio talk show are blessings that kept my life while transitioning out of the “black hole”. The control that I allowed him to have over me and then all of sudden, poof, he is gone after 3 years….still wish i had all that money back from him..not so much for the loss of the money but that he was the one that benefited from it..As Rita said above, this process of recovery is happening in shifts…and i hope it will get better sooner than later..i no longer want to protect the world from the NPD, i want mostly to protect myself and then be able to help another if needed. I am learning to crawl at 51 years old…But I am so thankful to see life from reality and no longer an illusion:)

  • jennifer.dugena@gmail.com'
    jennifer
    January 17, 2012

    Hi Mel,

    What if a family member is not taking personal responsibility about issues in his emotional life. How can I help him or could I?

    Thank you very much.

  • phyllishaig@gmail.com'
    Phyllis Haig, MFT
    January 17, 2012

    Tonia, Thank you so much for your fine work. I am advising my clients to connect with your work to help them (there is a cluster of clients in my practice right now who are suffering from relations with N’s.
    I tried to post your link on my FB wall and a notification said I did not have permission to do this, altho the link for your latest blog, which comes thru my email, went to my personal FB page.
    Can I have permission to post your blog link on my wall?
    Again, thanks so much for your work and your recovery. I share that with you.

  • donnamiller4868@yahoo.com.au'
    Donna Miller
    January 17, 2012

    Hi Mel
    I am having trouble with moving forward “because” I dont see him as a monster with two heads etc. Someone described these people as authentic. I believe they are. How can you blame someone who is just being themselves? So I dont blame him, I actually miss him. I am 59yo married 3 times and he is the only person who has managed to give me grief although I imagine I have met many before but passed them by.

  • fleurla1@comcast.net'
    Adaku
    January 17, 2012

    loved your message,so needed hearing about taking my life and choices as a teaching lesson on what to do or not.Thank you so much for your words its as if youre in my mind LOL This is my Life I Take Full Responsibility Yeah!!! Thanks Melanie and Happy New Year ! and Happy Martin Luther King Day..Adaku

  • bjones2@cca.edu'
    Ben
    January 17, 2012

    Hi Melanie,
    Perfect as always. I have been doing the NARP for at least 2 months and the results are astounding. I can now move gently through the list of 10 goals and feel every single one as truth. I KNOW I am responsible for this experience, and because of this work it’s easy for me to see how it happened. I genuinely did not love, support or respect myself up until this point in my life. This is very, very obvious to me, so it’s easy to see how I allowed all this happen, and allowed people to treat me this way.

    My question is this: Am I responsible for the way other people treated me?

    I have lost many, many friends since my narcissistic relationship ended (partly due to my ex’s lies and the calculated isolation she choreographed). I’m just confused about where my responsibility ends. Some of these friends have taken sides with the narcissist and believe her stories and projections about me. I feel like I can’t be friends with these people because I cannot continue to allow or condone this judgment about me anymore in my life, BUT I realize that these people have this view of me, partly because I used to doubt me as well. I used to not love, support or respect me.

    Do I just have to start over from scratch, or is there a way to keep some of these friendships? Is this my responsibility?

    • hope2endure@gmail.com'
      Kimberly Todd
      January 20, 2012

      Your real friends know you, leave the others. If the others begin to see through the lies and come back to you forgive them and then decide whether you want them back in your life. The forgiveness is for your benefit do NOT allow hatred or hurt from them to have power over you! And yes I know it is hard but put yourself first in a good way.

  • glen.rae4@gmail.com'
    Glen Rae
    January 17, 2012

    Hello Melanie,
    I’m a newby to your information. Do you think….. if a child, even from a few months old, was resented, emotionally deprived and put down throughout his childhood, and then into adulthood felt contempt from his mother and inferior to her (presumably from his childhood upbringing.. including abandondment from his Father at 8yo)… Do you think that he also needs to take Personal Responsiblity for his upbringing? If he has “Identified and Accepted” how his upbringing unfolded and formed his dysfunctional character, should he then be asking what is it about himself (when he was a child) that attracted, maintained and allowed this abuse in his life to take place? What is it about himself, now, that obstructs the connection he has longed for from his Mum.

    He feels that there is no justification for why a child was treated the way he was and totally ‘blames’ his Mother (who he feels is a Narcissist as she has no comprehension or empathy of why he insists she has ‘done him wrong’).

    I know most of the comments are about partners, but this has affected our whole family, including myself, the sister, and my relationship with my own husband (who has definite Narcissist tendancies).

    regards from Australia

    • adriennegudgel@aol.com'
      Adrienne Gudgel
      March 19, 2019

      I so agree! This post is NOT meant for children of narcissistic parents.
      “will accept that what happened to me was a perfect part of my personal journey in order to firm up and heal my unhealed parts that allowed and participated in this”

  • Melanie
    January 17, 2012

    Hi Rita,

    you are very welcome.

    Fabulous that you have accepted responsibility, because that truly equals freedom!Your results and liberation are obvious as a result of that choice – well done!

    Rita truly if there is still grief, and any pain rather than the total freedom that Thrivers truly do break free into – it means there is more healing to go – point blank. And you have great awareness about ‘what this could be’ but haven’t been able to as yet – shift it up and out of your body – hence why it is still playing out, and in repeat.

    When you get the compromised belief systems (and the associated fear /and pain attached to them) released VIBRATIONALLY which is where the deeper programs need to be accessed (not through the mind) you will get the ‘shift’ on what is still painful and stuck.

    This is why I always strongly recommend people bypass contempoarary therapy (which I have very little faith in in regard to dealing with narcissistic abuse recovery) and go straight for ‘bodywork’ such as kinesiology or Quanta Freedom Healing to address these issues – because the body-work (I firmly believe) is at least a thousand times more effective than cognitive therapy (It actually works!)

    IF you find a kinesiologist who can REALLY understand and work at deep DNA and emotional survival programs (this is essential), or book a healing session with myself, (as this is the speciality work I do almost every day), you will start seeing very positive and fast results.

    When you get the shifts at this level, the targeted issue simply does not exist anymore, it will be cleared from your DNA (literally)…it is totally a human illusion that we have to do it the hard, slogged out, painful way – this is SO no longer true…

    So the short answer is that grief can be directly dealt with – totally…and truly Rita if you want to heal this, one hour of work with me can have it done (or go very close) – and I offer full money back guarantees if we don’t achieve that spectacular and irrefutable result (you will totally feel the shift).

    Check out Quanta Freedom Healing on my website under Healing Programs – that truly is your direct path to the relief, and you really have to experience it to experience it, as so many others have!

  • Melanie
    January 17, 2012

    Hi Jaye,

    That is wonderful, that you have been able to move forward after such a long time in the relationship….fantastic…

    Yes that is very normal that he would blame you – as that is exactly what narcs do (take no responsibility – hence why THEY never heal!)

    And totally narcs love to keep the hook out of reconciling on their terms (so they can keep projecting and maiming) whilst of course reserving the right (power) to abandon again. It’s called keeping control of narcissistic supply.

    Great you’ve broken away from all of that – and truly those tactics deserve no more attention than ‘whatever’ – ‘yawn’….they truly have no power over any of us, unless we buy into the charade….(btw narc despise being seen as as boring, a waste of time, and not worth a millimtere of energy – it’s the ultimate insult!…plus we all really do have much more interesting and wonderful things to do!!)…anyway back to you…

    This is fantastic that you have been rebuilding your life, accepted what has happened and claimed the gift.The wonderful thing now Jaye is: YOU get to create and live YOUR Real Life – and that is totally joyous! Well done!

    Bless xo

  • Melanie
    January 17, 2012

    Hi Robin,

    You are definetely suffering the effects of narcissistic abuse, and you are still very much in the victimised / painful stage – which is very normal, very understandable, and of course an awful place to be in.

    The truth of the matter is Robin, only YOU can change how you’re feeling right now. And I promise you a phenomenon DOES begin to happen in our life when we take the responsibility for: These are my emotions, and I am responsibile for healing them”…because when we start dedicating a mission to working at coming to peace and healing ourselves(regardless of what our outer situation in life with others is), things also start to change on the outside and start to ‘match’ the shift that is taking place ‘on the inside’ – for the better.

    This is not fanciful – it is totally documented, proven, and time and time again 100% comes up trumps as truth.

    Robin, I feel for you, and your situation and ‘story’ comes to my in-box approximately 40 times every day…so what you are going through is incredibly common.

    Tragically and commonly, is that most women stay stuck in the pain and the injustice, because they never get to the healing of themselves, which is always ‘Why has this come into my life, and what do I need to heal?”

    Until you do that Robin, and commit to that, there is NO relief in sight (I have met countless women 30 years on who are still suffering and feel no better, and still have their children turned against them).

    What to do? You cannot change anyone other than you Robin, not your daughter, and no other members of your family. You have no power to, and actually no right to. The only power of influence you have is YOU.

    I have seen countless times that when, in this identical situation, mothers heal THEIR wounds in regard to the pain of abandonment, discard, not being good enough / unworthy / unlovable etc. etc. (which was set up, and has been playing out way before you experienced this with your children), then incredible things can, and often do happen.

    I have seen mothers and children heal, reunite and come togther, and the truth be known and exposed….MANY times…but I have NEVER seen this occur when the mother is still stuck in her anguish and pain (because she is only creating / attracting ‘more of that – Law of Attraction) …TRULY it only occurs when she heals this pain – then life can, and often does shift (via the people involved) to match this healed reality.

    Robin my highest suggestion, if you want to feel better (this MUST become YOUR true goal) and create healing for yourself, and hopefully for others involved – is to commit to your self-healing, either through the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (you will see this ad to the right of the blog) or by having Quanta Freedom Healing sessions done on this.

    I hope this helps you understand that you do not have to stay stuck in the suffering…. there are solutions

  • Melanie
    January 17, 2012

    Hi Christine,

    yes it is always amazing how when we hear someone elses’ story it can feel so much like our own!

    There are many people that feel like yourself and Rita…”I’m doing doing great, I’m moving forward” – but can still feel like there are certain things that are taking a long time, and that recovery is sometimes an inch by inch deal….

    Great that you have the NARP Program…absolutely, and fabulous that you are so committed to your personal healing journey. Truly Christine when you do start unconditionally allowing the feelings and not judging them, of fearing them, the shift will facilitate profound relief when you release as per the protocol in the MP3.

    This is why you are still feeling stuck, because you are not accessing (unconditionally) the pain, in order for it to be released properly. That’s okay (and perfectly understandable) – but truly not granting you the results you want and need. The truth of the matter is (despite the fear we have about feeling our emotions) is that the actual ‘pain’ does not throttle us, it’s the stories we have around the pain that create the agony.

    My suggestion is to fully go to the MP3’s again (from session 1) and write out all the hurts, then at the time of going to the charge, just allow your body to be ‘in it’ without the stories – just allow the pain ‘to be’ and imagine your body being open and surrendered to that.

    Then with the visualisation (the swirling up and out) so much of the pain will be picked up and released, and you will feel it leave your body, and the amazing shift.

    Try this, and if it isn’t working for you (or you’re still to fearful to do that) truly let’s set up a one-on-one session together so that I can help you release whatever belief it is that is blocking you from ‘being’ in feeling – and then you will be free to progrees with the deeper healing that you need to do. (Information and ‘mind healing’ alone is NOT enough to break free into a brilliant life after narc abuse)….

    CHristine, you can ontact me on melanie@melanietoniaveans.com if you want to further discuss this!

    Good luck, and know I am there for backup to help you break through to where you need to be with this…if you want to…Truly getting the emotional shift side sorted will grant you the accelertion, strong foundationa and relief that you want so much – it is the key…

  • Melanie
    January 17, 2012

    Hi Jennifer,

    You have no power or right to take responsibility for another adult.

    It is always fruitless to try to do that when someone else is not taking responsibility for themselves – as you will always be lined up and accused as ‘being controlling’ (which quite frankly we always are being when we are trying to FORCE someone to change ‘for their best interests’ when in reality we are trying to make them change so WE can feel better!) , etc…and you will be used as the ‘scapegoat’ for WHY they are not taking responsibility “I am like this because YOU make me like this!” (anyone who has had an experience with narcs knows this one so well!)

    So TRULY Jennifer, your job is take responsibility for yourself – and by doing this in empowered ways often people in our environment, as a part of being connected to our dynamic, step up and DO START TO take responsibility. I do not have the time to write WHY or HOWthis works here – (it is an essay), but suffice to say if you want to work out how this works (and it truly does improve every area of your life) I would highly suggest doing in-depth reading on the empowerment of breaking free from co-dependency, and creating healthy boundary function (you will see these resources to the right of the blog)..

    I hope this helps, and you’re very welcome!

  • Melanie
    January 17, 2012

    Hi Phyliss,

    you are more than welcome – I am very blessed in that I love what I do!! Truly it is not like work, but lovely to have you wonderful feedback!

    Thank you for the referrals, and I am not suprised there is a ‘custer’, because truly the problem of N Abuse is epedemic everywhere.

    Absolutely Phyllis you have permission to post my blog link – and please let me know if you have any further difficulites as I can have my techo guru check it out (techno guru I am not!)

    Keep up your great work, and spreading the recovery word too….

    Thank you! xo

  • Melanie
    January 17, 2012

    Hi Donna,

    What you have decribed is NOT about ‘taking responsibility’ for yourself and your own well-being.

    You are not getting the point…

    You are right, who can blame these people for ‘being themself’ – I totally concur.

    That part of it you have 100% right…

    This is not your issue (keeping you stuck), the REAL problem that is keeping you from moving forward and healing is: What is it within you that does not believe you deserve better than the poor behaviour, the lack of safe, true, devoted love, the horrific abuse, and the emotional abandonment?

    Why aren’t you Donna, as yet able to take responsibility for choosing and ensuring your saftey, welbeing and respectful treatment?

    These are the questions that you need to be focused on…If you wish to move forward and heal..

    What you are describing here Donna is unfinished and unhealed business. The lack of love, abuse and abandonment he provided is famaliar at some unconscious level, it is an old unhealed ‘attraction’ that didn’t previously work out.

    When we ‘miss’ and still ‘love’ people that behave atrociously (yes we all felt THAT INCREDIBLY with the narc experience) we are attached (clinging in fact) to trying to MAKE WORK what we didn’t get to work before.

    Unconsciously this is often MUM / Dad (or another prominent figure / ex-love etc…), and THIS time Mum / Dad (or who this relates to) WILL stop doing this and REALLY love me!!!)

    You suggesting this is the only time you have had grief (even after suffering divorces – one of the most painful near death experiences anyone can ever suffer!!) – does not match the hook of the beliefs that you are describing – and does not dismiss you from obvious repeat unhealed patterns that require your healing in order for your love experiences to become realistic, grown up, healthy and fulfilling.

    Donna truly unless you can come to: “What is it about me that attracted and needed this experience to heal” and get to work solemenly on that..there is NO way forward…just more pain, missing him, unrequited love, and inevitably, no relationship in the future (because of not being open enough to attract and allow one), OR another attraction of someone who you will co-create love with, then co-create loss with, then will miss and expereince more pain …because that’s the way life, energy and creation goes…

    We attract ‘more of’ Who We Are (our strong emotional beliefs / feelings / charges…and of course our unhealed and unfinished business that is contained in all of that…

    You’re the Creator….

  • Melanie
    January 17, 2012

    Hi Aduka,

    keep enjoying the JOY of responsibility – my friend, and the freedom….

    Bless 🙂

  • Melanie
    January 17, 2012

    Hi Ben,

    glad this helps and glad you are really breaking free into knowing your True Self!

    IT’s brilliant the amount of effort and work you’ve been putting into ‘self’, and the results you are achieving! Kudos to you, and great you chose the Narc Abuse Recovery Program for yourself, and have experienced the shifts and liberation it contains…

    Fantastic question Ben – truly it is! And I get what your confusion is. Okay let me simplify this (and as I say it I know you’ll get it immediately)…

    Yes, you are correct, you did initally attract this experience – the narc’s persecutions, the associated allies against you, bad mouthing, discrediting etc, as a reflection of how you really felt about yourself (anyone who has suffered narc abuse – and narc public discredit – had horrible inner tapes about how we ‘discredited’ OURSELF – our inner self-talk – and attracted ‘more of that’ horrifically through the narc)..

    So, correct so far, and fantastic you have taken responsibility fully for this…

    Now the next stage is, you know (as per your recovery) you are free to be you – totally. It is no longer important what anyone else does of doesn’t think about you – it’s important what Ben thinks about YOU!

    You also know that everything on ‘the outer’ in your life experience is matching “Who Ben is on an inner level with himself”..so all you have to do is BE YOU, without any charge on what these people did, do, or will think about your credibility.

    None of that is important in any shape or form.

    And actually when you lose the ‘charge’ on that – they’ll stop doing it, because no longer will your emotional matrix be a match for it.

    THEN what happens is, if any of these people are a match for the NEW (REAL) Ben (in his power and truth and freedom, regardless of what other are or aren’t doing), then they will come into your life experience again, as renewed and genuine connections – it will just happen…

    …and if they’re not a match they won’t.

    And as always Ben because you are a truly unlimited being, you have ALL OF LIFE (which is connected to you) to create REAL, incredible relationships with, so therefore how can you ‘lose’ people when you already are all of that connection?

    The truth is: You Can’t…

    Therefore either way – if you reconnect, or if you don’t is PERFECT!

    If you feel that you are struggling with the charges of ‘loss’ or ‘injustice of the persecutions’ then go back to Healing Number #1 in the NARP Program, dig into and write about those emotions, let them go through the healing matrix, and experience the True Self download and shift on it…

    Keep it simple: If you DON’T shift these to ‘non-existent’ you will attract more feelings and pain of loss, and more injustice as a result of being persecuted….

    You know how it works! And you know you are responible vibrationally for your emotions and what you are Creating…

    WHen you do clear these painful feelings,…

    Then you will be FREE to pop up into the next level of liberation on this topic that I just wrote about. And as always this shift will not just help heal the ‘friend’s situation’ it will assist you to feel empowered in so many areas of your life – that have felt restricted or painful in relation to these beliefs before they were shifted..

    Hope this helps and keep up the great work – let me know how the shift up to this next level goes for you!

  • Melanie
    January 17, 2012

    Hi Glen,

    thank you for your question – and it is a powerful one!

    In regard to childhoods, you are right we were incredibly powerless, and co-dependent as children and absolutely not able to honour ourselves and create boundary function.

    Therefore, your question How could we be responsible? is a very logical and just one…

    There are two trains of thought that go towards ‘responsibility’ in regard to childhoods..

    One is: as children we couldn’t be responsible (we did not have the skills, power or resources), but as adults we CAN be responsible for healing our childhood wounds.

    And if we don’t, the overwhelming consensus is that we STAY victims, in pain and don’t heal….so why would we NOT heal?

    The other theory is: We actually had Past Life situations that had already set up our defunct emotional belief systems, and each incarnation IF we still have powerful unhealed charges, then we continue to attract the PERFECT family as a match for this pain and unhealed wounds.

    The ‘perfect reasons’ for this is so that the uncosncious wounds can be made conscious again – so ‘this time’ the opportunity to heal them will present. (Pain is the trigger signalling the necessity to heal a defunct belief system)

    I subscribe powerfully to both theories, and in fact the combination of those theories provided me with the powerful reasons as to WHY and HOW to stay alive. I firmly beleived that if I didn’t get it done (heal), that I would have to come back and repeat the whole thing over (and possibly over)again – and that was the ONLY belief that kept me from suiciding…

    I knew I had to heal, and I knew that I HAD HAD ENOUGH!!!And I knew I could not bear the thought of having to live this much pain EVER AGAIN!

    Since taking into accout the Past Life criteria (in a big way) and incorporating that into my healing system, it is fascinating, incredibly connected and 100% accurate (wayyy too much of a ‘coincidence’) how the past life information stored in the body has had such a profund effect on people’s lives to their detriment – yet once cleared, spectacularly the entire pain, emotions and time-line changes, and everything shifts, including the repeated ‘less than ‘ circumastances that have often been playing out painfully for lifetimes..

    And the space opens up for new and REAL beginnings that do serve us, and are what pleases us (True Self function)

    Hope this theory of mine helps shed some light…

  • stephanie.federico@abbott.com'
    Stephanie
    January 20, 2012

    Dear Melanie,

    This is the most compelling website! Initially I was researching information on narcissistic personality disorder. I came upon the description, behaviors & phrases you have on the website-it was chilling! I was living this sickness to the letter. I was married to this man for 13 years and have 3 boys under the age of 11.
    I had him removed from our home a couple of months ago because I could no longer tolerate the reign of terror and wanted to die. And as promised, he is out for revenge! I have been so emotionally beat up for years and facing the wrath of lies via the court system has been emotionally grueling . His lawyer is the female version of him. Another viscous bully!
    I am now facing countless legal documents that contain 100% mistruths about me as a mother, person and wife. I have had DCYF to the home for child abuse, (unfounded) slandered as a cheater & a drug addict (untrue) and been left with zero money to raise my children. He has stolen money & valuable jewlery. He has said inappropriate things to the boys. He is refusing to pay for anything and he has the means.
    Your section on taking responsibility and healing gives me hope. I wish to make the healing process my number one priority. That being said, how do I protect my children from his illness and cope with the financial devastation of all I have worked for? I do not love him or miss him at all. With each day, court hearing, false legal document or awful thing he does, I’m further sickened by this man but am so worried for my children’s emotional well being.

    • kidsareme@comcast.net'
      Dianna O'Connor
      February 4, 2018

      Hi Stephanie!
      I was just reading your story and I’m in the middle of this nightmare as we speak. Just had first court date and his lawyer painted me out the same way. My husband is currently in Mexico with his new girlfriend and it was our scheduled vacation. The courts don’t care and when dealing with a narcissistic they truly get off on what they’re doing. He has texted our children and said it has nothing to do with them and it’s just he fell out of love with their mother….however, at Christmas he was telling them he was madly in love with me. Our children are grown adults but they still fall for whatever comes out of his mouth. He’s controlled us for so many years that we truly are damaged goods. I hope and pray that things get better and please reach out if you’d ever like to talk. We all need to stick together!

      Many Blessings, Dianna

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    January 20, 2012

    Hi Stephanie, truly what you are describing is very consistent with the angst that mothers go through in dealing with narcs in regard to their children – and I feel for you greatly.

    Stephanie the bottom line is always (and I know if you have never realised the greater knowledge re Law of Attarction this may feel vague or ‘weird’) about YOUR emotional vibration on this topic – POINT BLANK. TRULY when you are in the angst, fear and reaction of how he is treating you and your children, and when you are not feeling solid, and moving into your own empowerment and healing – you will simply ATTRACT and continue to experience MORE OF ‘the angst, fear and pain of what is going on’. Effectively you help to hold this up in place, when you continue to feel and fear this emotionally.

    I have for many years now been faciliatating women in this situation (and every situation with narcs) to get engaged in their healing and their own power, and move into the establishment of KNOWING that things will work out, their children are safe, that the law will work in their favour and when they become THAT vibrationally (as powerful knowing and alignment within themself) THEN they truly do become the creators of that reality.

    I have seen women and children throttled by narcs, BUT WHEN women work solidly on getting into their emotional power and heal and release the fears THEN everything does a 180 degree shift for the better. And it happens powerfully and quickly.

    TRULY doing the work on you is the TRUE and ONLY solution to your issue. Nothing you ‘do’ to try to fix this situation whilst operating in fear and pain is going to work for you – but when you clean the fear and pain up inside you – everything on the outside will start falling into place – without exception, and I have never seen this thoery not work, because it does in every case always….

    And this is the same for everything connected with narcs, everything,regardless of whether children are involved or not…THIS is the big lesson we are all here to learn through the narc experience – which is: I am a Creator as per my belief systems and emotional alignment, and all the ‘doing’ in the world is not going to create what I want until I take FULL responsibility for my emotional creation and power, and get to work in Life at that level…

    Hope you can open your mind enough that this makes sense!

    My recommendations to achieve this goal are either the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery program or Quanta Freedom Healing sessions.

  • s.mir38@hotmail.com'
    shabana mir
    February 11, 2012

    Tonia i must say what a beautiful piece of work you have created here.Its the missing piece of my puzzle.

  • arde0008@yahoo.com'
    Liz
    February 24, 2012

    I once read that “there is no such thing as a victim, you are an enabler, not a victim.”
    At first this really mad me angry. Then the more I think about it the more it rings true and actually helps to keep me strong. I think “I will not enable you to sit here and hurt me like this” I grant you all the power by enabling you to continue your relentless deminishing of my self worth.

  • Mijnboeken@hotmail.com'
    CiG
    May 26, 2012

    Thanks Melanie, for putting all this information online. I live in Europe and haven’t been able to find anything like your website before. Just about everything I read here Is helping me understand and forgive myself. I’ve lived with this for 35 years, just trying to keep it all together. Thought I was coping quite well, until my body started failing me from stress. I see now that I wasn’t as tough as I thought I was and my husband slowly got the best of me. I’m still young enough to make a go of this life, heal, learn and enjoy my girls. Thnx!

  • pruerose@yahoo.com'
    prue
    July 22, 2012

    Hi Melanie
    Your work is amzing and is helping me stop minimizing my experiences while gently acknowledging my responsibility in being part of a codependency with a narcissist.You seem to have the right words to make the journey forward seem very doable rather than an impossibility because “I am so twisted I can never heal from this”.

    Thanks Prue

  • swrt@yahoo.net'
    Isheson
    August 13, 2012

    Really a great website! Just found this today and surely continue to check for updates.

  • contestwpggirl@mymts.net'
    Penelope
    November 15, 2012

    I read this and re-read it out loud. I loved it. I have a young beautiful babygirl with a narcissist and was devastated, stuck and life was crap when he left me pregnant, came back, left again to date and sleep around…ALL I kept doing was pointing the finger at HIM telling HIM to wake up “you have a new child…you’re not suppose to leave a pregnant woman..you’re not suppose to treat me worse than crap..”..WOW..then I woke up just recently…. I found your website, videos, articles..etc..I was the walking dead just last week. I made a HUGE list of my personal responsibilities! Thank you very much Melanie for all you do to help. I have a ways to go but I want it.

  • shedchelsea@yahoo.com'
    chelsea
    January 16, 2013

    Hello im chelsea i have been in a narcissit relation ship for about 10 years i did not know about this type of man until i looked it up reading how they are my heart is so hurt cause i tried everything to please him but he would put me down and call me bad names and felt no remorse nor say he was sorry now i am in a healing process we are not together no more he dump me cause i did not give him any money

  • shedchelsea@yahoo.com'
    chelsea
    January 20, 2013

    I made a mistake by trying to get back with my ex n boyfriend he just shot me down still being mean and hateful now i see why u say about the no contact and recovery im ready for that now being with n is hell and is not worth it

  • kwizikul@gmail.com'
    kristina
    January 25, 2013

    Melanie I’m wondering if you can write anything about having children with a narcissistic partner. My ex has custody of the children so “no contact” is difficult for me to wrap my head around. Would like to know about having to be in communication with this type of person. Please consider some sort of response or a nudge in the right direction thanks.

  • nutsysingh@gmail.com'
    sanj
    April 16, 2013

    Hi firstly thank you so much. I have just discovered your website and already feel the relief start to pour in after 5 years of feeling as though i am crazy. I was with a guy for 6 months and he seemed like everything id ever wanted and then suddenly he changed in such a way that for the past 5 years i have been trying to get him to just talk to me nicely. He keeps behaving hurt and his behaviour confused me to a point of being dysfunctional.I did not know something like a narcissist exists!. and i feel a sense of relief after reading your articles.
    Do narcissist use silence to control and punish ? because im suddenly feeling that the silence i thought was hurt is actually a control tactic. could you please write something about this. thank you so much. am taking responsibility and thats how ive reached your site i think.
    thanking you a lot
    Sanj

  • Rumrunnerj23@gmail.com'
    Sandie
    April 23, 2013

    It has been 4 months for me with no contact….I seemed to be fine for the first 3 but this last month has been hell. I have come to the conclusion that he reminded me of my father who I now have just realized was a N . I believe now that I substituted him for my father trying to get the acceptance that I could never get from my Dad. What a realization . I am now trying to move forward but every time I hear his name mentioned it is like someone punched me in the stomach. I have just foun out he is headed to our favorite vacation spot with someone else…having a hard time dealing with this. I still do not want contact …why am I having a hard time dealing with this now is it because all of a sudden I feel I have been replaced…or is it because I thought he couldn’t function without me…he is a skitzod N. we live 10 min apart. How do I deal with this. Please help me

  • gillsatch@me.com'
    Gillian
    May 13, 2013

    Hi Melanie
    I wonder if you can help , I believe my husband has bpd/narsasiatic , he has split me black and I am not able to take the abuse anymore . I have tried to tell our three children of the abuse but they do not believe me . Even when he has done it in front of my daughter she has blamed me. I don’t understand how she can justify his bad behaviour , even when I tell the boys they are grown up and have family of their own they just don’t want to know i cant understand why . My husband picks fights with me all the time and since my daughters moved back with us for a while his acting out has got worse. My daughter moved in and he acted out so many times she eventually said well divorce her (she was talking about me)and he has been in the back bedroom ever since that was said about 5weeks ago . It’s like who ever he is with is able to influence him as long as it is against me , it seems to me he goes with them But its always in an effort against me. He claims its me and I know I am not perfect but the more he complains to our kids the more they think that it’s me they do not see the disorder at play . I have tried to tell them but the can’t see it. He has taken the car from me and if I say I am going to take some money out of our savings he said do that and you will see what happens . He is even taken over the food shopping as I have no car . I have to get the bus in the mornings while he goes to work in the car even though he takes the money out of the joint account . But they he tots up at the end of the month and states to anybody I e the kids look what she has spent that why I want her out , I know there is a disorder at play Melanie as he rages and the mood shift I notice when he has a drink are so fast he can go from laughing to abusive and aggressive in minutes . He plays the victim all the time and all my kids believe him . They think its me. I am going to be the one that has to get out of the family home and loose all of my family I.e my three children and my wider family I.his family because he has them all fooled . What the hell am I going to do please respond Melanie

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    May 13, 2013

    Hi Gillian,

    please note I don’t have the time resources to go back to previous posts, please if you re-post in latest two artcile posts I can assist.

    Mel xo

  • babycatcher33@windowslive.com'
    Val Flett
    June 21, 2013

    Hi Mel…I happened upon one of your articles last night and whilst I read I thought “this woman is writing the script of the last 5 years of my life”….I couldn’t believe it…my N has all of the traits/tricks you describe. I truly am grateful for the resources you are making available to me…unfortunately, I think I may still be a bit stuck in the not taking responsibility phase atm. I have a months annual leave coming up mid aug and I would really like to have a session with you. I live in Melbourne.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 21, 2013

      Hi Val,

      Yes it is astounding how narc abuse plays out so consistently – often to the letter.

      You are very welcome re the resources. Val all my personal sessions are by skype – so it does not matter where you are…

      You will see details of how to book with me under the healing resource page. The waiting time is 8 weeks – and I always highly suggest NARP (Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Progam) for people so they can begin healing and getting relief immediately.

      Also I offer immediate email contact / coaching with NARP members.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • samuel_vaughn@t-online.de'
    www.purqs.com
    July 19, 2013

    Does he usually carry himself in this manner?

  • goli_saba@yahoo.com'
    goli
    August 15, 2013

    I just want to say thank you very much. since i found you Melanie , and your wise articles, advices..I am feeling better, day by day..and everyday.
    thank you very very much for your help , support, and knowledge and information.
    thank you for what you are doing.it is really helpful.
    Goli

  • mydogrudy@comcast.net'
    Deb
    August 27, 2013

    Melanie, your blog and healing info is truly a gift from the universe. And this particular topic of accepting personal responsibility resonated with me profoundly!

    I was involved with a Narc for 4 months, and ended it 56 days ago. In just those 4 months, I cannot believe the inestimable number of red flags I ignored, the lovebombing I absorbed, and how I let myself ‘disappear’ into his universe. I woke up when he flew into his first ‘rage’ at me, and thankfully was able to put distance between us immediately. Of course his betrayals regarding fidelity and a plethora of revelations regarding numerous lies surfaced immediately. His desperate attempt to wound & provoke me further.

    Naturally I was grief stricken, shocked, and physically sick from it all. I lost 10 pounds in 30 days and could barely function once I realized that the person I had fallen in love with was a total fraud!

    I began reading, learning, educating myself. First just to understand what had happened, then to educate myself on his personality disorder. And now, at last, to understand my role in this experience and how I can heal and improve myself. I sought traditional therapy, and I agree, it has not been particularly helpful.

    All of this led me to you, Melanie. I now understand my role in that relationship. I invited that into my life, I was ripe for that experience. As horribly painful as it was, I now firmly believe it meant to happen for my benefit and growth. I was meant to meet him and it was meant to happen.

    In actuality, he has been a gift and a catalyst for healing.

    Finally, just this week I am feeling GOOD! Sleeping better, not obsessing, not having anxiety.

    I can now heal. I can grow. I can do the hard work necessary to reach that place of love and acceptance of myself exactly as I am. I am now free to create a beautiful, glorious, fulfilling life for myself that is not dependent on anyone else’s approval or love. I believe beautiful, wonderous, amazing things are coming to me and that the universe is friendly and divine.

    Thank you for sharing your knowledge and for being such a compassionate person. Finding you has truly been a great gift from the universe and I am eternally grateful. You have been extremely helpful to my recovery, and will continue to be!

  • puckscout@gmail.com'
    used up
    August 27, 2013

    I thank you for your blog and your wealth of information–and while I can’t find much written on a “friendship” level of being involved with a Narc (most of what I find is dealing with romantic relationships) however I find that many of the feelings are the same and I can relate them to my experience.

    I was interested in meeting new people. I was invited “in” by a Narc. I had no clue what one was! Soon she had me acting in ways that weren’t “me” and I didn’t know WHY or WHO I had become. When I tried to exert my own opinions, I was treated harshly and threatened in her way to be excommunicated from the “group”-so I would find myself adjusting my behavior to suit her so I wouldn’t “lose friends” if that makes sense.

    One day after I was chatting with other people in the “group” we FINALLY revealed to each other that we felt the same way and we were ready to make our exits. I realized it wasn’t ME rather i was just a source of her energy.

    It was loud and ugly and I ended up confronting the Narc by calling her out on all her behaviors and was met with such hostility. I did take ownership in it by letting it go on for so long and said that it was my fault for not standing up for myself sooner but I was DONE with her treatment of me. Of course she said SHE was done with me long ago (typical).

    We are completely no contact-however we do cross time to time in certain social situations in which she offers me a smug smile. I have had subsequent friends of hers after me ASK me if these behaviors THEY were noticing-were WHY we were not friends anymore. I just said to them-Yes. People are figuring her out and only stay friends for a little while. Like a revolving door, we watch it happen. It is now almost comical.
    What I struggle with now is my anger about it. I am angry that I didn’t stay true to myself and I really have never HATED anyone before, but I do feel like I HATE her. I hate how I feel like she “made” me act (yes, I know I am responsible for my own actions).

    How does one let go of that ANGER? I feel blessed that she is not in my life but I mostly wish i never thought of her at all anymore.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      August 28, 2013

      Hi Used Up,

      It is really importnat to understand that the dynamics of narcissistic abuse are the same regardless of the ‘relationship’ of that person to you.

      What that means is that the healing processes are also in fact identical. They involve you releasing the toxic energy out of your Inner Identity (subconscious) programming and connecting to your True Self as the replacement

      Then the anger and pain no longer exists.

      This is exactly the process that the Thrivers in this community have achieved regardless of ‘who’ the narc was.

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • alanabella@live.com'
    Lana
    September 13, 2013

    Why does my extremely narcissistic ex boyfriend keep in touch with me almost everyday (now 900 miles apart)? After we broke up 4 years ago, I moved away, back to my hometown. I ignored his calls and texts and emails for over a year, then I broke down and now I regretably communicate with him. Ever since we broke up, I am still feeling shell shocked. Anyway, I AM or have began to take personal responsibility, I do get what you are saying and want to learn more and heal! He has been talking about visiting me for the past 3 years!…lol…yeah right?…now I communicate with him on a level that I say to myself “I understand you now, and you are no longer going to make me feel so bad, I just am nice and polite”. Why does my heart still want to be friends with him? I have to work on that. Anyway, it is a pattern in my life, the peptide addicition. But I do want to say, I came to a revilation today that my best friend or someone I thought was my best friend is a narcissist. She talks bad about a mutual friend then turns around and is friends again. One day she is Catholic the next day she says she is not really. She is never there for me when I need someone to talk to, but I am on the phone for hours about her problems. It is always what she wants to do and where she wants to go etc… She just contridicted herself today, and after reading your website, blogs, etc. I came to the realization she is narcisistic. Anyway, I have a long road to healing. I am a Libra, a people pleaser to the point I have no bounaries. It is a pattern, my mother is the classic narcissist, my ex husband is bipolar, with narcissistic traits, and I was abused as a child. No wonder I attract these people in my life that drains me. I am exhausted all the time. I know I am not alone just want to thank you Melanie for your work. I plan on ordering your healing program and look forwar to turning my life around and creating a better life for myself. You are a God-Send and I can tell you are a God-Send to many many people!
    Lana

  • alanabella@live.com'
    Lana
    September 13, 2013

    to clarify, I was married to a bipolar person for 16 years that was verbally and emotionaly abusive, then I attracted (put under his charming spell) narcissist (ex boyfriend) into my life. We were together for 6 years. So you can see I have been suffering for too long and I am going to get better! I have decided to change my life and heal and get out from under this fog I am in. I see how long I have been in denial and I choose not to live this way anymore..Thank you again Melanie!

    Love,
    Lana

  • mydogrudy@comcast.net'
    Deb
    September 28, 2013

    It’s been 12 weeks since our split after a 4 month relationship. The relationship was very intense (as is common) and the split was extremely painful. I think part of my problem is the ‘honeymoon’ bubble was just breaking when our blow up and split happened. So I still associate him with intense pleasure and joy, and I was just getting a glimpse of his dark, ugly side when I extricated.

    What I find interesting is that in spite of understanding his disorder, and knowing I would not want to repeat this experience or have him in my life again, I still feel so much pain and melancholy! In hindsight I see the many red flags that I overlooked, and how I let my usually well defined boundaries slide. I was extremely lonesome and feeling vulnerable – in part because I work from home and relocated to a new town where I still don’t know many folks. I wasn’t really looking for a serious relationship but found myself sucked into something incredibly intense.

    I do take accountability for my part in that relationship and why I entered it, and for ignoring the multitude of red flags. I am glad that I extricated as soon as his Narc rage materialized – there is no way I would stick around for that kind of emotional/verbal abuse.

    Mel, I am working with your program and doing some shift work. The pain is diminishing but I am surprised at how much pain remains 3 months out! I find myself still missng someone who never actually existed. And, I am cognizant that some of this is pain is due to the lack of closure that one would normally get between 2 healthy people. I am working on accepting that there is no reconciling the irreconcilable. I am focusing now on my issues and my healing. And I know that one cannot have a logical, reasonable, adult conversation with someone who does not have the capacity for that.

    I know there is no fixed timeline for healing. It’s not an event, it’s a process. Yet I’m feeling frustrated that such deep pain persists! I mean, how long will it take for this pain to truly subside? It feels like such a rollercoaster ride – some days I feel like I’m making tremendous progress and other days I feel like I’m still stuck. I know there is no real ‘normal’, but…is this fairly common?

    Thanks so much for being such an inspiration and comfort. I am very thankful to have found your NARP and website.

    love to you. Deb

  • Melanie Tonia Evans
    September 28, 2013

    Hi Deb,

    I am glad you got out so early…that is wonderful!!!

    Truly that is a testament that there are people who will firmly say “No” when the true and big narc stuff appears!

    Deb, everyone’s journey is different – but what is consistent is that after being narc abused it is a BIG journey – because every unhealed, insecure, fearful parts of us have been activated…

    So it really is about committing to those inner wounds and loving ourselves through it…

    How long does it take? As long Deb as it needs to, but please know you ARE going forwards that is the wonderful thing..

    Sometimes it feels like we are slipping backwards, but the truth is you ARE going upwards…

    Love and be kind to yourself, and take the pressure off and more and more joy will break through..

    Remember you are perfectly loveable and ‘perfect’ right here, right now – that is what unconditional love for yourself does know..

    Mel xo

  • shonablack@yahoo.com.au'
    Shona
    November 12, 2013

    Hi Melanie, for quite a while I knew there was something wrong with my relationship. I thought it was me because of my past, so I decided to become a hypnotherapist to help myself and then help others. I have become stronger but also opened my mind to the fact that I live with a narcissist…..thank god!
    I had just started studying Dyslexia and found there was an Emotional Dyslexia which lead me to you. The Universe works in mysterious ways.
    He has just bought a property/B&B in Tasmania 4 months ago ( as nothing is in my name of course) so now trying to work out how to move myself and my possessions back to Victoria.
    You are a gift sent to me, thank you Melanie xo

  • nodishack@gmail.com'
    Different
    December 5, 2013

    Melanie,

    I am a male and have reviewed your website and it has helped tremendously however, i’m stuck in a different situation. Could you please advise (if you can) what to do if this person is your sibling and is intrinsically tied to you? I can let go like you said, but it all comes back, the anxiety, pain, the barrage of attacks, etc when one must encounter the individual for events such as weddings, funerals, legal matters etc. it seems impossible to cut them off completely which complicates the problem tremendously. Do you have any advise? The pain is unbearable at times much like everyone elses on here. Love and light to you all for I’ve felt your pain for a lifetime thus far.
    Sincerely,
    Agonized

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      December 5, 2013

      Hi Agonized,

      The recovery from narcissistic abuse is identical regardless of whoever the narcissist is..

      It is all about releasing the trapped painful emotions out of ourselves and transforming our Inner Identity.

      Then you can lay boundaries, or detach from a place of self-healed wholeness.

      The NARP Program is your answer to achieve that deep healing – it isn’t only for imitate partner relationships, and has been used successfully by many people healing from a Family of Origin narcissist.

      Mel xo

      • jcsift-misc@yahoo.com'
        Jim
        July 18, 2016

        Melanie thank you so much for your articles on NPD. My situation is different from most of the issues that are addressed though. Most of the articles are about a NPD spouse, parent, sibling, or fellow employee. The situation I have is a NPD adult son. He has abused his wife and now every girlfriend he has had. He treats them nice for a while then all of a sudden like a piece of meat. If they rebel he goes ballistic then is nice again and the cycle goes on and on. He is haughty, vindictive, dishonest, and has a complete lack of empathy. His life is like watching a trainwreck. He is constantly homeless or broke by some spectacular misadventure (wrecked my car, got robbed, in the ER with an overdose, got kicked out of my apartment, etc.) and when we refuse to bail him out we are told he no longer considers us his parents and never to contact him. That is until he decides to “hoover” us again for more narcissistic supply or attention. We have put up some boundaries, for example he will never live with us again as any place he lives there will be drug use, theft, and constant bickering. That being said, if he was a spouse, friend, etc we would go complete no contact but how do you handle this when it is your own child? It’s especially difficult for Mom.

  • ltdmtl@msn.com'
    Mark L
    December 11, 2014

    Hi Melanie,

    I know it is not my fault, but it is my responsibility. I am grateful for the opportunity to heal the unhealed parts of me to live the life I was meant to and deserve. Thank you for the awareness.

    Be blessed and Be well,
    Mark

  • cphoto86@hotmail.com'
    Christina
    January 11, 2016

    Hello Melanie,

    I felt I had to comment here. Is it possible someone could have a bit of both?
    In some instances I feel I have taken Personal Responsibility, while in other instances I feel I have not.

    This article really hits home for me and helps me to understand where I’m at in the healing process.

    Thank you for your work and keep on keeping on!

  • mjenkoff@gmail.com'
    Meredith
    May 18, 2016

    I know that I’ve got to take responsibility for my emotional well-being now, as a 28-year-old adult, but the narcissistic abuse I endured was at the hands of my mom from the time I was pretty much born. Does all of what you’re saying apply to me too?

  • jcbrady89@yahoo.com'
    JC
    August 14, 2016

    I’m trying to overcome my own skepticism about energy work. I’m currently reading a book by Pam Grout called “E-Squared” and it looks like I may be a skeptic by default. (But I also see the value in trying to change and get out of my own way, so to speak). This book is part of what lead me here, unknowingly, to a website about healing relationship issues through energy—way off my usual path, but it’s good to be here!

    My problem with narcissists was not romantic relationships, but making the “wrong friends.” A video you made mentioned the idea of the “abandoned self.” Right away, I identified with it and wanted to hear more. There’s something there but I don’t know what exactly. I plan to look into this some more.

    Most people will often try to put their best foot forward, and show an “inflated-self.” For example with a job interview, dating, finding friends, social situations, etc. Many can relate to this, but it’s not the extreme of abandoning the self completely and creating false personas, then go to any length to maintain them. Maybe the difference is one of degrees.

    In this blog post and the podcast, you mention taking responsibility for your own pain and suffering. I feel like I’ve come to accept responsibility for where I am, and it took some time. I’m still working on this, but I’ve seen enough evidence to at least be drawn to the point of view of just “owning” the responsibility and taking back control this way.

    Today I’m grateful for your advice, thank you so much for your inspiration!

    : )

  • Rreid@free.fr'
    Rachel G
    December 12, 2016

    This is a great article and a lovely idea, but it is completely focused on meeting a narcissist. I believe you that this is an important thing to do, and a personal choice, but it’s very difficult to see a way to take personal responsibility for being born to someone.

  • wendymosh@live.com'
    wendy Mosher
    January 22, 2017

    Thank you for your advice. No one understands what it feels like to be abused by a Narc. It is the worst feeling in the world. A Narc can take your heart lay it on a table and walk away leaving you feel like you lost yourself.
    Prior to meeting Jim my current breakup, I was in another relationship with a man by the name of Terry. We lived together for 8 years and were engaged. Terry was somewhat abusive and angry over money and set the stage for the big one to come next. Terry got into a tragic accident. He fell off a ladder and suffered with a brain injury and his family ended his life. His death was tragic to my soul and out of that the got severe anxiety. Weeks after Terry died Jim enters and became a huge comfort and friend. I knew him before and he worked with Terry. He seemed like a wonderful person. He was handsome, very attractive, sweet, kind, talkative, and nice. We got romantically involved and thought he was my soul mate. He was a big comfort in my huge loss but as time went on he changed. We were together for 3.5 years. During that time he broke up with me 3 times. We lived together for 6 months. He was two different people. He was a great guy much of the time and other times he could be cruel, unemotional, unforgiving, lack empathy, not be committed, give me silent treatments, sexually off, never took responsibility for his unproductive behavior, hardly ever said he was sorry, reacted not logical, withdraw, get depressed, punished me, leave or threaten to leave during an argument, start an argument then say i like to argue and tell me that he will not argue, sometime lack empathy, passive aggressive and more. I was in love with the good Jim and he refused to go to counseling. I was abruptly just discarded 3 times like an object one would throw in the trash. This last breakup was the worst and I now am working on my recovery. I really thought that he was wounded by past experiences in life and thought he just needed love and time. I was very loving and patient and saw some good changes but now I know love cant heal everything. People need to change themselves. Its up to us to take care of ourselves and be the best we can be as a human to others but love ourselves enough to have clear boundaries for others. I look back and wish I responded differently to his behavior. I enabled him and kept forgiving. Forgiveness comes with having healthy boundaries for our selves. I still love the good part of the man I was with and this sounds crazy but unfortunately the bad comes with the good. We are now done for good. He left me and just erased me from his life. It was a trauma to my soul. Life moves on. The only thing now is emotionally release him, heal and be the best person I can become.

    Thank you for your encouraging words and the work you are doing.

  • nicopopliceanu@yahoo.com'
    Nicoleta
    February 14, 2017

    Amazing infos on how to heal from a narcissistic abuse! Thank you!

  • Joelbrooks80@gmail.com'
    Narcissist of a narcissist
    February 15, 2017

    Hi, I’ve read the article and I understand the need to take personal responsibility. My issue is that I’m now a 36yr old man, an only child to a very narcissistic mother and a very submissive ‘aiding’ father. Enmeshed as a young child, emotionally rejected when it suited in adolescence. I have no other family. I’ve never known any other relationship or how ‘it’s supposed to be’. I believe I created a significant ego at an early age for ‘what I’m supposed to be’, I’ve had various relationships in the past but I never let anyone get close. I am a narcissist of a narcissist and it’s killing me inside because I don’t want to be this ‘thing’. I have no ‘core’, no ‘self’. I fear rejection and abandonment in every interaction, let alone relationship.

    How can I take responsibility for my role as a child? How can I lose my only family and ‘close’ relationship? I’ve been in therapy for 5 years now trying to understand what’s right and wrong, impossible and possible, but most importantly, safe.

    • supanovatoo@gmail.com'
      Ana Jadwa
      August 2, 2018

      I feel I have a problem with this “taking responsibility for what happened to me” part of the programme:
      “Personal Responsibility is about acknowledging and wanting to heal. It means identifying and accepting: What is it about me that has attracted, maintained and allowed this abuse in my life to take place?”

      “What is it about me that has attracted this abuse?”
      Now my abuse was not so much a narcissist I met in my life. It was my parents and my siblings not anyone I attracted to me, it was what I was born into.

      “What was it about me that maintained and allowed this abuse in my life to take place?”
      Then my parents brainwashed and programmed me (also about God and my Religion)and created the wounds in me. As a Muslim child then woman living in an Arab, Muslim society there was no complaining about my parents, you have to listen to your parents they can do no wrong . (But I did complain and I did fight back which just supported their smear campaign of me that I was a rude and rebellious and problem child and later woman). Your passport to heaven is under their feet. You are immediately bad in everyone’s eyes if you say anything bad about your parents. The religion that this society is based on tells you to obey your parents . And Narcopaths are good , all their friends and people they allowed me to interact with where their Narcopath buddies or duped ones. They managed to keep me totally isolated from the outside world. I never was allowed to have a friend ever! I didnt stand a chance in getting any help or validation and they managed overtime to break me.

      Even here in the UK I have been to see many Muslim Mufti’s (Muslim version of priest). I got no support from any of them. They will not understand. You must at least call your parents and speak to them they say. Your parents love you. It’s like they’re deaf. Some months ago I went to a seminar and met a young Muslim scholar who was the speaker and asked him some questions concerning my abuse and if parents were harming you and trying to destroy you does Islam support this and this young fellow was the first Muslim person who told me no.

      No matter how I look at it I believe I didnt stand a chance to realise what was going on or to get out. My every attempt to escape was expertly sabotaged in numerous ways. All of my family members are these character disordered people; some are very covert. I didnt have one ally all around me. My reality was totally controlled and I was gas lighted. Impossible to see the truth or make sense of anything. We are not allowed to give details on this sight so I’ll just say that my entire life was a living hell and I couldnt figure out why or how to fix it though I tried everything I could.

      Most people ,who have been professionals, living independently taking care of themselves with friends in their lives have been devastated and brought to their knees by one narcissist who they met and got romantically entangled with. So can you imagine what it was like for me surrounded by all of them being gas-lighted and abused by all of them from childhood, living in a society that helps them to keep a female totally isolated and controlled.
      Most of the children around me who were scapegoated like I was in this society are either still there suffering with no clue of whats happening to them or have become mentally ill or committed suicide (even males in this society are controlled and some of the suicides were male) I am a miracle. I am lucky. However, after managing to escape at the age of 45, I am suffering from the effects of the abuse including learnt helplessness.

      I am working hard to recover and now I’m being told that I will not be able to recover if I dont take responsibility for my part in it. Can someone please help me to understand what part I had in my abuse and what I did to maintain it.

  • susanmwyer@gmail.com'
    sue wyer
    March 9, 2017

    hi melene,i am only just staring to unravel that this has been a narsasitic relationship,and am still very unsure of things ,but my desire to die my inability to function and agrifobia and a whole range of other insecurities,have been my pointers and the magistrate court domestic violence councillor ….my narc was a sexual predator and put me through the phases of his disease 3 times ..on this last one he walked out on me and said he didn’t love me anymore and it was my fault.. only to discover yet again yes another string of women and yes he has moved camp again..at first i begged but slowly i have started to understand that this was not my fault,our family is destroyed our son is really confused and i can’t get up in the morning without crying and resisting t wat the day has to offer as i travel through this journey and don’t do wat he expects of me he has started to get nastier and nastier threatening me and doing drive byes ..over the years the woman i was before i met him seems to have gone and i have become isolated and insecure,he devidedme from my other children and friends and slowly belittled over everything i did ,while living another life with other women ..in this last battle he thinks we should be friends and has tried to rope me into a business deal ,when i refused he threatened me ,i stood up to him and now I’m living with the phone beside me ..iam making decisions to get him out of my life but it seems so slow and painful with every step ….i don’t know wat the future holds for me and feel very scared ..my freind put me onto you and i have been reading everything i can

  • gievans@telus.net'
    Gail Evans
    August 2, 2019

    reading all these comments break my heart….so much pain and devastation..

    thank you for the wonderful article…yes it is hard to read but it is bang on correct. I have to deal with feelings of anger and remorse towards myself for allowing this behaviour for so long…

    being married to a supposedly ‘godly’ man who leads Bible studies and who works overtime on his Facebook image …all the while treating his wife like a criminal….the woman who stayed hoping things would get better…NEVER dreaming that he would actually turn on me…..

    he listens to sermons every day..very loudly…but apparently does not practise what he preaches to others…I am beyond devastated…I feel nothing for this man who has changed drastically….a very heavy porn addict for decades and visitor to strip bars….as soon as this house sells i am gone and will not look back…

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