Melanie Tonia Evans

Asserting Your Needs In Relationships – Healthy vs Co-dependent

Written by   Melanie Tonia Evans Permalink 7
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Written By   Melanie Tonia Evans

 

There is a very fine line after narcissistic abuse, when we start wanting and entering new relationships.

I believe for many of us who have done the work to heal our Inner Being …

… we may be literally terrified of being co-dependent again!

We know the horror and the terror – that was literally life-threatening – when we were enmeshed to a narcissist and had powerlessly relinquished virtually all the rights of our life to them.

And maybe, you are STILL struggling to not feel dependent on and entangled with someone who is presently hurting you.

Either way, of course it may be difficult to imagine how you could possibly generate a healthy relationship in the future.

In this Thriver TV episode, we explore the reasons why co-dependence isn’t healthy, why we need to give it up, and how to assert your values and needs in relationships … so that rather than be co-dependent, you have the ability to generate a relationship which is this:

Evolutionary – one where you both share love, respect and trust and unite as a force that generates “more” for both of you!

And in this video, we investigate how in narcissistic relationships we did not have a voice …

… and how in healthy relationships we can be a cooperative force of Unity, who not only has one, but encourages open honest conversation for all involved.

Please note: There is also some information in this video for you, IF you are SO independent that you do struggle to lay down your defenses and connect lovingly with others.

If you have been wondering how to create and generate a healthy relationship where you can finally be SEEN and MET and SAFE … then this episode is definitely for you.

Please know … we are all in this together after narcissistic abuse … and the quandaries I talk about in this video are ONES that have challenged me greatly (and some still do).

I’d LOVE to hear from you in regard to your journey, growth … and of course any questions you may have regarding today’s topic!

After watching this episode please share them in the comments section below.

 

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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie's healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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65 Thoughts on Asserting Your Needs In Relationships – Healthy vs Co-dependent
  • carolnp2w@gmail.com'
    Carol
    June 7, 2017

    BRAVO! Well said. Thank You! I feel safe & empowered.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 8, 2017

      Hi Carol,

      that is so wonderful!

      Yaya!

      It’s my pleasure 🙂

      Mel xo

      • bar-car@live.ca'
        Carole
        September 11, 2017

        I am so NOT grown up! I am separated x 4mnts,basically no contact with the Narc in my life.Love your video’s! I do not understand the quantum healing process.Im very co dependant and so want to recover.Im basically gripped by fear of going out much,being with other people to interact or even socialize.I am very interspective and do go inwards to try to understand,do the work and hopefully recover from codependency and the abuse.Thanks so much for your work!!

  • arlinejernigan67@gmail.com'
    arline jernigan
    June 7, 2017

    This is SUCH A GREAT TOPIC!!!

    I love that you are addressing this. I want to grow up to be like you!

    Tiggy You are an adodralpe kitty kitty.

    • lisa52200@gmail.com'
      Lisa Flanagan
      June 7, 2017

      Yes this is a mandatory topic.! Please help. I have made it through the overwhelming, powerful narcissistic ex husband. I’m with someone I truly love but I have slipped. I am screwing “lout relationship up. Tha fear I experienced before is back and it’s out of control.” I am petrified to tell him why I’m acting so odd. He may leave me. ; /. I’m certifiable right now.
      Sincere, Lisa

      Please help me

      • Getmail100@yahoo.com'
        Bren
        June 8, 2017

        Take this to Amazon duke and Module this fear wound rightup and out. Only you can do this. Obviously still uplevelling and o doin thus area as the wound is not yet quite dealt with. You know what to do. Go get it!

        • Getmail100@yahoo.com'
          Bren
          June 8, 2017

          Sorry iPad ran away with me…..take this wound to a module…..retyped for clarity.

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        June 8, 2017

        Hi Lisa,

        the truth is Dear One that unless we are really honest with and meet ourselves, it is extremely hard to be real and truthful with others … or believe that they can accept us as our authentic self – wounds and all.

        Yet, that is exactly what True Love is.

        Lisa so foeti if we have not as yet healed our trauma from our past – we do unconsciously sabotage “healthy”,

        My greatest suggestion to you is to be honest, tell him how you are feeling and also how much you care for him – and that you wish to meet and heal what you need to heal.

        If he is the right man he will understand and allow you the space to do that … and it is important to realise that with our self-work someone else can’t do if for us – only we can.

        I know it may be terrifying – the prospect of losing him – but if you don’t get real with this there is every chance you will anyway, and not on healthy and honest terms – and in ways that will feel ever more disempowering and traumatising.

        Lisa, please connect to my free resources https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freestraterpackage because there is so much there to start granting you relief, inner realisations and solidness … in other words … the ability to come home to yourself.

        That is what is needed right now so that you can start dealing with this.

        I hope this helps.

        Mel xo

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 8, 2017

      Hi Arline,

      I am so glad you enjoyed it!

      Please know I am STILL Growing Up … but that’s the AWESOME journey!

      Many blessings to you lovely lady.

      Mel xo

      • Temata42@hotmail.com'
        Jacqueline
        October 10, 2018

        Thank you Mel for being so real ❤️ Much respect x

        • Melanie Tonia Evans
          October 10, 2018

          Thank you Jacqueline for your beautiful comment.

          Much love to you!

          Mel 🙏💕❤️

  • pamela_duncan@yahoo.com'
    Pamela
    June 7, 2017

    This is a great topic. I was severely codependent in my marriage and relationships after. I’m doing well now as a single person but fear that I will fall into old habits. Therefore, I don’t look for or try to find a partner.

    Also, it would be awesome if you could do more with addictions. Especially smoking. I’m currently working on this and have fallen a bit short.

    Thank you for what you do,
    Pam

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 8, 2017

      Hi Pam,

      I’m glad you enjoyed it.

      I will be doing more around this topic and I will do one on addictions …

      Smoking was HUGE for me until I got under it and healed it.

      I’d love to share!

      Mel xo

  • llcburch@gmail.com'
    Lorie
    June 7, 2017

    Loved this episode. Please do share your journey with us. Its so helpful and healing to hear your story.
    My history is similar to yours. I had a 21 yr marriage to a personality disordered man. Narc diagnosis according to our marriage counselor. Then after mustering the strength to finally leave for good and divorce him (on the third try) I immediately got involved with , you guessed it, a malignant narcissist! I started dating way too soon, before my divorce was even final. Now I had to battle with two narcs in my life who wanted to destroy me! Both my husband and the boyfriend were successful alpha male men. It’s the kind of man that I am naturally attracted to. I definitely believe it when you say the narcs are the deliverer of our wounds! I don’t think I would have soul searched and done as much work as I have done if Narc two hadn’t shown up in my life. I was devastated after the end of my marriage but I was almost destroyed by narc #2. I was forced to my knees with my face in the dirt of life. I felt I was on the edge of a cliff…. either jump off and end the pain or get up, dust off and walk. I had to literally tell myself minute to minute to put one foot in front of the other.
    Fast forward, I’m still working on myself. Thank God I found you Melanie! What a difference you have made in my life. But, like you, I’m fearful of becoming too independent. Right now I don’t have any desire for a relationship with a man. Dating, maybe, but not a relationship. I worry that I was too crushed and too wounded? Is this normal?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 8, 2017

      Hi Lorie,

      it’s my pleasure 🙂

      I feel you – yes I truly do understand that level of soul annihilation, as so many of us have.

      Where you are at is normal and even healthy – it is part of the process – after such a close call of being taken out … to want and effort to become a healthy Source to Self.

      The Thriver Tv episode I do on “being too independent” will be very good for people like you and I!

      Absolutely you can free yourself into love connection.

      I am so pleased Lorie you are doing so well now and that I have been able to help 🙂

      Bless You and keep up the great work.

      Mel xo

  • mounia.berrada-gouzi@outlook.com'
    Lisa
    June 7, 2017

    This episode comes at a very fitting time for me! Ive done a lot of healing using all of Melanie’s QF courses and tools. Growing up with a narcissistic parent, a lot of the wounds have been very deep. I am not at a stage where I feel a lot better however my relationship of nearly 7 years is crumbling primarily because both of us are feeling like our needs aren’t being met. We have both been raised by emotionally unhealthy parents/narcissists and I wonder whether it is possible to stay together in the long run if only one of us has worked with QF tools.
    The potential for transformation is there. My partner is not a narcissist yet we both display patterns of co-depedency and trigger each other massively (he particularly triggers me and my disappointment in men). My question is: is it possible for an existing relationship to transform to a healthy thriving relationship if only one partner (is me) uses QF to work on herself? Will he shift if I shift my inner wounds? So far the changes have been only minimal and my rage at him has gotten worse, not better. I often feel not understood and not deeply seen by him and he feels the same. What would you recommend for couples who both have co-dependency issues? Is the only way to attract a healthy relationship, leaving the current one or are there other ways?

    • naomitanton@gmail.com'
      Naomi
      June 7, 2017

      I am in a very similar situation as u Lisa and have the same questions. I’ve been narping for 18mnths now and still struggling. Things seem to be getting worse. I too grew up with a narc parent. Just turned 40 and desparete to start thriving and feeling some joy in life. Hope we both get the answers we need.

      • tbird21111@yahoo.com'
        Tracy
        June 8, 2017

        Naomi
        Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better, youve got to go into the dark sometimes to get to the light so to speak. I’ve had personal experience with this and can say there is hope.
        I just want to send you a big hug!

      • Melanie Tonia Evans
        June 8, 2017

        Hi Naomi,

        I hope my answer to Lisa can help you too 🙂

        Mel xo

    • tbird21111@yahoo.com'
      Tracy
      June 8, 2017

      Hi Lisa

      I’m responding to you as I have a very similar circumstance with my spouse, I have a narcissistic mother and the wounds I carried through life created more narcissist abuse, my first husband.
      My current husband also has similar childhood wounding and I have major trust issues when I have to make my self vunerable , I too feel misunderstood and not seen, sometimes not heard
      However, I can say that when I started to recognize my subconscious patterns and his, I was able to shift the dynamics of our relationship, with a !ot of help from a therapist, reading and and researching b!ogs like this and much self reflection and journaling. Because I love my husband very deep!y and understand we’re both in pain. Once I started to stay in awareness and the moment, our dialogue changed, he wasn’t defensive and I wasn’t feeling so misunderstood, and we were able to create a new level of intimacy that felt safe to both of us. Grated it’s not always perfect, we still can shift back to old ways but I have learned that I can change that simply by recognizing it and basically saying to myself, ok, we’re heading down the rabbit hole and that’s just going to upset us both and waste a bunch of time and energy. So I breathe and change the course and he can’t help but fo!low. It’s been a wonderful thing! So to answer the question of if you shift, will he? I say absolutely! As it seems that the foundation is there for a thriving, healthy relationship. I hope this helps and good luck my dear!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 8, 2017

      Hi Lisa,

      I feel for you – this is a difficult one.

      However, lets try to find a straight path through this …

      I believe our Life does get to a stage where we need to walk and decide what is or isn’t serving us anymore.

      The way it is – it is going around in circles, and something needs to change.

      Fundamentally is he a good man, does he want to care for you in real and practical ways? Does he NOT show the characteristics of narcissists which we know are careless, abusive, manipulative, malicious and even criminal?

      If this is the case this can shift … it sounds to me like you are being triggered the most, and then he is reacting to that.

      I get it – in that it can feel very painful when men don’t validate, see and “care” in the ways how women do. They help more in practical male ways – to “do” to “protect” to “fix”, and to us it can seem deeply uncaring.

      Have you read “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?” It’s an oldy but a goody that can help us understand how men and women truly are wired differently.

      Then once we realise this – we can know it is NOT personal – (even though it deeply feels like it is) and recognise HOW he does care, and start to appreciate that … and then meet and shift out all of the wounding in regard to the lack of male care you had as a younger person, rather than look for him to “do it differently”.

      I promise you – this EXACT issue is ONE I had struggled with!

      And I have had to shift in order to not feel deeply hurt by my partner who is not a narcissist.

      Honey – truly you will have to lead the way here … and you can.

      Does this helps and offer hope?

      Mel xo

  • ybarnzzy@xtra.co.nz'
    Lyn
    June 7, 2017

    How do you end a narcissistic relationship when there is a will involved. I have had three years of lawyers and $80000 and are back to were we started.
    Could you do a talk on this. How can you heal from this?

  • katherine@srifengshui.com.au'
    Katherine Sri
    June 7, 2017

    Thank you Melanie for addressing the topic of healthy relationships; intimacy and interdependence rather than co-dependence. I love your authenticity and I would enjoy further episodes exploring this topic. I rarely think about my past narcissistic partner now and I have so much more clarity on the dynamics of our dance, my behaviour and his. I am growing Self partnership and reliance. Still some way to go, particularly in the financial arena, and I have seen some great improvements. Recently a man, whom I find attractive, invited me to connect with him in a relationship. it felt empowering to listen to my heart and realise this was not right for me, and speak my truth. I am still healing around the area of Trust; trusting Life to support me, trusting my Self and others. I am working on this with the NARP goal setting module. I love your authentic, practical and inspiring spirituality. Much love and thanks. Kathy XXX

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 8, 2017

      Hi Kathy,

      it is so lovely to hear from you here.

      I love that you are continuing to expand as your Life Mission and doing so well with it!

      I will enjoy doing more episodes around this topic – as well as financial health 🙂

      Bless you Dear Lady.

      Mel xo

  • martin.issima@hotmail.it'
    Lady Jedi
    June 7, 2017

    Thanks Mel! I really relate deeply to this topic in many ways…I wanted to ask, you mention also financial independency…Can you make a video about breaking free from financial dipendency from your abusers/toxic relationships etc? While watching your video I had an epiphany about my “fear” of earning money on my own…I have associated money, material security with other people’s control over me…So even if I am in employment and I am technically “independent” from partners and family I somehow “resent” that I am dependent on my “employers” to survive. I associate earning money with co-dependency and other people controlling my time, energy and suppressing my needs. It’s a bit of a paradox ! And an exaggerated need for independency (as you were saying in the video). I think it reflects where I am on the journey. Sometimes you need to compromise but I don’t really feel like it lately…Lol…I’d be interested to see an episode on financial independency!! And I can’t wait for part 2 of this one!!
    Lots of love! xxx

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 8, 2017

      Hi Lady Jedi.

      as I just said to Kathy above – I definitely will do a video on financial independence!

      As well as Part 2 of this one as promised!

      Lots of love to you too sweetheart.

      Mel xo

  • ema0305@hotmail.co.uk'
    Elaine
    June 7, 2017

    Hi Mel, thank you for this video. I cannot believe what a life line you are. You have turned my life around. I have really been working on the modules and honestly, it really is like the layer of the onion and I have uncovered things that although I knew them, it didn’t sink in. Now it is all making sense. I also have a weird question, all my life I have felt that part of me is missing, I actually thought I must have been part of a twin or something, but the other day doing module 1 again, it came up something from another life – I don’t even believe in that stuff, but it just did and suddenly I feel like I found my other half. I don’t understand it, but I cannot believe how it has made me feel. I daren’t date again, I think having narcissistic parents has taught me how to be co-dependent (which I’m coming out of) and narcissistic myself so I find myself judging any man I don’t find perfect and end up hating him for not being perfect. How messed up is that. Im just building my own life up with my beautiful children and building friendships up. Another area I struggle in as I find I am unable to socialise for long periods of time or with large groups of people. I get exhausted quickly. I don’t think I’ve been made right. But…at last I am starting to feel normal and my life truly is turning around. The last narc who did absolutely hurt me and treat me so badly actually did mirror my childhood experiences. It was incredible. So thank you for giving me the tools to uplevel them. Sorry, Ive really gone on, but its all trying to blurt out of me because I’m so happy and excited about it all. Thank you Mel, you are amazing.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 8, 2017

      Hi Elaine,

      it’s my pleasure 🙂

      That is so wonderful you have been unpacking trauma wth the Module Work and coming into that “knowing” place – as we do!

      Elaine as Quantum Multi-Dimensional Beings there are many dense energies we can carry that block us that would seem logically ludicrous … yes emotional trauma imprints have nothing to do with logic .. and many of them are epigenetic (generational) and collective as well as past life.

      The human experience has been plagued with trauma!

      It’s great you are letting your body guide you, and just “going there” … because when we do the Shift we feel is unmistakeable.

      Elaine you are doing so well – you are SO on the right track.

      And please know this ALL the conundrums – no matter what they are such as: “Judging men” or “feeling drained in groups” … ALL you have to do with the NARP Modules (module 1 or Goal Setting is great for this) is target those dense yucky feelings in your body and shift them – and then they just WON’T be there anymore.

      Truly it is that simple (our brain wants to complicate it and make it so much more so) … and that IS exciting!

      Also Elaine, are you in the NARP Forum to receive guidance with any of your NARP work?

      This will turbo-boost you so much!

      https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member

      Mel xo

  • anapvela@yahoo.com'
    Ane
    June 7, 2017

    Can you please do a thriver tv episode on adrenal malfunction?

    Much love! ❤️

  • baileykylehall@gmail.com'
    Bailey Hall
    June 7, 2017

    Hi Melanie,

    I really would look to say thank you for your support to myself and others during their healing and recovery phases 🙂

    My name is Bailey Hall and I am from Geelong in Victoria Australia. I have PTSD and comorbid depression from childhood abuse and neglect, with a narcissistic alcoholic parent. I have been through so many trauma experiences unfortunately but I have used that as the fuel to power me to push through and build a nice life for myself. I am currently studying an Advanced Diploma of Computer Systems Engineering and loving my new life, I really feel happy for one of the first times in my life.

    I see a therapist regularly who helps me discuss, heal and talk about experiences and life.

    I really love reading your articles and emails they keep me positive and understand narcissistic abuse recovery patience, resilience and kindness. You do an excellent job keeping on top of helpful info pieces.

    Regards,

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 8, 2017

      Hi Bailey,

      you are very welcome, thank you or introducing yourself and it’s lovely to meet you.

      I am so pleased you are feeling joy for your life, and feel humbled that in some way I have been able to help support you.

      Bailey what I am so passionate about letting people know is this – especially the people who live with ongoing management of continual conditions and suffering – is that with Quanta Freedom Healing Work which is in NARP https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp – the previous conditions are completely released, eradicated and healed.

      Meaning we no longer have to manage them.

      There is a NEW way we can all heal now.

      Bless you 🙂

      Mel xo

  • anjalijc@gmail.com'
    Anna
    June 8, 2017

    Hi Melanie,
    As ever a big thanks for your clarity and love. I have a question around self-doubt. When the last few relationships have been down the narcissistic avenue and I’ve come to that place where I can spot it smile away and am avoiding the unhealthy dynamics in all areas of my life, how can I feel confident when entering my next relationship that I hope will be healthy?
    With thanks,
    Anna x

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 8, 2017

      Hi Anna,

      thank you for your post, and you are so welcome sweetheart … I feel honoured that I can help 🙂

      The first thing I want to ask you is this: Have you done the deep inner work (NARP) to release and heal your trauma?

      Because if you haven’t, then there is only one way to “try to feel safe” which is to vigilantly try to work out who everyone else is and isn’t.

      Yet this is a false premise and doesn’t work … because it doesn’t allow us to move out of fear, be radiant and confident and show up authentically enough to a) flush out a false self and repel them and b) be whole enough to walk away if something isn’t right for us knowing “there is more and better to come”.

      It all gets back Anna to the self healing work – because that is the essential foundation to it all after narcissistic abuse – otherwise we are either lonely and separated from love and life – because we are too scared to connect … or we find ourselves again playing Russian Roulette – continuing to draw the fearful unhealed parts of ourselves over and over again.

      That is the pattern you have been on that there is only one way to get off … which is heal and change Self at the level of Deep Inner Being beliefs – to become trauma free.

      If you are already on NARP then I would suggest connecting into the NARP Forum https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member to get help with how to develop these next parts of yourself, so that you CAN date powerfully and safely – and even joyously!

      I hope this helps … because honey truly the work is inside our Being … between us and ourselves.

      Mel xo

  • juls.rogers60@gmail.com'
    Julie Rogers
    June 8, 2017

    Very good video. I am wondering as I am 21/2 yrs out from being in a 22-year narcissistic relationship. I still am major depressed and try really really hard to be okay. But the depression, the anxiety I have socially the doubt about myself is still major no matter what I do. Is this normal? So many people say get over it. I’m trying to get over it. I don’t dwell on it.I make myself go to work. I went to Major counseling for six months. Yes I still have contact with the narcissist although he now lives in another state and has a girlfriend. Well girlfriend that he had before we split up. I want to be well, normal healthy again and I’m just not sure how to do it. Am I normal or not it’s been two and a half years? Why do I still care about someone that I allowed to totally destroy my heart, mind and soul? If we had not split when we did I would probably not be living today. I just couldn’t take it anymore he had to go!!! Please help me!!!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 8, 2017

      Hi Julie,

      please know Dear Lady … I want you to know it is TOTALLY normal – and I will go as far as to say that ALL of us who suffered N-abuse at a deep level, were never going to get truly well until we found how to release the actual trauma from our Being – like lancing a boil – to make space for “getting better”.

      That is exactly why I found and developed Quanta Freedom Healing https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/quanta-healing-explained.htm – which saved and liberated my own life from certain death from the trauma, and then I created the NARP Program, which has helped thousands of people to date make REAL recoveries from Narcissistic Abuse https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp

      I promise you sweetheart this is HOW we did it.

      As a starting point, please read my FREE resources https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/getstartedpackage … and it will all start making sense to you – as to WHY you haven’t been able to recover and how you truly CAN.

      I hope with all my heart this helps.

      Mel xo

  • theresa458@yahoo.com'
    Theresa
    June 8, 2017

    I love this video it has lots of really excellent information. However, I know in my relationship with a narcissist and, according to my therapist, I was not co-dependent but trauma bonded. I love you address the trauma as well because a lot of the new research is showing that strong, creative and independent women and men can get caught up in the narcissist’s web. As a matter of fact that is what most of them are looking for. I have ordered the healings and I love them. I have been in recovery for two years and have tried lots of different methods of healing. I have had the program for a week and I have already seen an improvement in my thinking patterns and focus. The program is well worth the money I paid for it and the time I spend with it. Also, thank you for all the free information you provide as I know it helps a lot of people in their healing journey.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 8, 2017

      Hi Theresa,

      there are many therapists who make certain classifications as to what “codependency” is.

      For me it is the spiritual sickness that so many people can suffer of seeking outer substitutes rather than knowing how to be a full, whole, generative source to self.

      Ironically many codependents are incredible smart, capable people who CAN make their life work (until slamming into a narcissist) – yet suffer the inner emptiness that goes with my version of “what” codependency really is.

      All of the NARP Program is about releasing trauma, emptiness and False Beliefs to fill up with Source – thus healing the spiritual dis-ease of “living life from the outside in” instead of “Being Life” – which to me IS codependency.

      I am so thrilled you have experienced wonderful shifts since working with NARP, and thank you for your kind words and thank you’s!

      Bless You!

      Mel xo

  • Hair_pro@hotmail.com'
    Kellie
    June 8, 2017

    Awesome Mel! You’re so inspiring!

    Great reminder and the video came at the perfect time for me! Your videos and emails always seem to do that!

  • My_bba@yahoo.com'
    Hélène
    June 8, 2017

    How can a mom not be financially, etc intermeshed with her husband so she has the time n energy to not go out to earn income but be home to raise children? I dont get how this is possible without depending on dad, her partner. She could have friends separate from him, hobbies too, but childrearing alone is very intermeshed. So if you re not independently wealthy, you have to depend in another for cashflow.
    Right?

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 8, 2017

      Hi Helene,

      I know this is one of the limitations that can seem insurmountable.

      I personally know of single mothers who have made it even with small children and even when they had nothing to start with.

      This was my story too … taking jobs that could incorporate me being at home when my son was small in order to survive.

      This I do believe … if we are reliant and don’t believe that we can create “another way” and we are being abused, not only are we imprisoned and without choice but we are also teaching our children (especially females) that they will be too.

      We are in a different world now than our previous generations.

      When we heal ourselves from these fears, as single mothers in this Community have – many of them did start to generate their own way.

      I believe that Life provides when we believe it, can feel it and heal our limitations – especially in the times we are in now.

      Big hugs and I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

      • valerieAwedel@gmail.com'
        Valerie
        July 26, 2017

        Hi Ladies,
        A thought to share on being supported per financial agreement by an ex who might be a narc… Do LOTS of shifting work. LOTS of shifts. Then do LOTS more. I worked hard on two areas related to this. First, to clear the ptsd and absolute terror of the ex and what he might do; second to clear a ton of baggage around being able to work while also a mom of kids who really needed my emotional and spiritual support. The more I cleared all the junk, the better things seemed to work. And I am still a work in progress, but life is so much better now! NARP is just a miracle worker 🙂 When you can trust in the abundance of the universe, it is ok if the ex does contribute support, just as it is ok to win back your own professional standing. Maybe for some of us both are part of the picture, at least for a while. Blessings on your journey!

        • My_bba@yahoo.com'
          Hélène
          August 18, 2017

          My profession is mommy. Im a Professional Mommy lol I am very active as a sahm, the tvs not on, I homeschool among other daily employments. So gaining that professional standing again is not rly my need lol I simply need to have gainful employment around that first priority in my life…The training of my children with academics, character, life skills, interests, etc. Running a household, making good meals (who remembers rly cooking?), consistently being in the home when kids are there. I realize I fill a minority position in society. Most ppl degrade and devalue parenting, especially mothering. If I go cook or clean for others, I am a productive member of society, deserving of help and support. If I go teach others’ kids, tend to the sick in a facility or coordinate repairmen’s schedule at a desk cubicle, I am working my best. The moment I want to do it for my own flesh and bone, my precious children, I am lazy and leeching off hardworking taxpayers. Mothers dont work hard, our job is of no value, hirelings can do it just fine, if not better, and society hates children anyway…when I can read articles every month about a baby “ruining” a flight, etc, we have surely lost our collective mind. The past generations coming up show the result of leaving it to the schools and daycare. Useless young adults, wandering in The Shallows (great book that btw). Selfish older ppl, just trying to get away from the rude youth, not caring to impact the future anymore but taking care of number 1.
          So I have thought this through, for 3 1/2 decades now, very deeply. Debating it, refining it, living it and the implications thereof in a world that hates it. Can you imagine daily waking up to do something everyone hates you for doing? Of course there is and I have sought out, lots of support, but relatively speaking, Im it for my own cheerleader.
          Isnt it amazing I obviously have to be super capable and confident but still was sucked dry of my soul? It shows the power of the traumas we bear in our bodies, many of which I think are genetic, not modelled necessarily, let alone experienced. I have fought prejudice all my adult life, I was a Professional Mommy from the getgo, but I was brought down by two, TWO PDs. It boggles the mind. But there it is.

      • My_bba@yahoo.com'
        Hélène
        August 18, 2017

        I never got to read this till now but when i started moduling (around this June date) I almost immediately jumped at an opportunity that had been there all along! I asked for a paying job, basically–with potential to work if not perfectly, then acceptably, for my kids n I. I was gratefully accepted as he needed help desperately and didnt know where to get it! This was the first very, very quick step in our lives’ transformation. Within days of that, Im talking the next week, I moved (no help of course, while working fulltime) and had housing. And income-producing employment that is doable for my situation. Not great but Im learning how to implement all that needs to be.
        Downside, I work for a narc, Im pretty sure. I knew the potential once I started but he’s a miserable man regardless of his actual problem lol constant pain and immobility and barely 50 w/a young daughter whose mom is a drunk–possibly induced by his PD tho…
        I also am being taken way advantage of as the weeks have added tasks to my position. But, this is an opp I do not take lightly and try to do cheerfully. I am helping two children now due to this, besides my two, who are pretty lost without my input in their lives. Or so I keep rationalizing lol
        I just want to testify NARP can be powerful, like
        P
        O
        W
        E
        R
        ful.
        I had time parameters so stuff had to happen fast. It Did 🙂
        Mel, a hundred thank yous for being you!

  • cressisan@yahoo.com'
    Lynn
    June 8, 2017

    Hi Melanie….thank you so much for another outstanding video, one that I will refer to further down the track. I am no where close to this stage in my recovery and can’t imagine at this point finding another. My hopes and dreams were tied to the Narc spouse and she became my ideal woman as if no woman existed before her or could ever come after her. As I work the NARP program I know I will heal and evolve. I would love more videos on “fear” of dating again.
    Lynn

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 8, 2017

      Hi Lynn,

      it’s my pleasure 🙂

      I am so pleased you are healing and working wth NARP.

      I definitely will Dear Lady!

      Mel xo

  • heinz@columbiaiwreless.ca'
    Heinz
    June 9, 2017

    I really loved this episode, Melanie, and it’s very helpful for me to hear that all. Thanks

  • kevin.j.joyce777@gmail.com'
    Kevin Joyce
    June 9, 2017

    Hi Melaniie,
    I wanted to take a moment to express to you how much I appreciate and enjoy Thriver TV installments,( offerings). I particularly enjoyed this topic. It resonated and rang like a ‘Bell’ for me. I find you are a most excellent communicator. You are well spoken, intelligent and most sincere. I like you! Thank you for the most important work you do and the heart-felt assistance you offer.

    Respectfully and with best wishes,

    Kevin

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      June 9, 2017

      Hi Kevin,

      Please know you are so welcome 🙂

      Thank you for your lovely comment.

      Mel xo

  • kimberlytjoseph@gmail.com'
    kimberly
    June 12, 2017

    It is extremely scary. I am at a point where I want to seek companionship and I feel as if I have gone through the storm and beaten my demons; and yet, I still do not know if everything I have been doing to heal actually worked and the only way to know for sure is to step into the lion’s cage and hope I get a gentle lion.

    Thank you for your work; I am forever grateful for the help and love you provide us.

  • janespencer19@gmail.com'
    Jane
    June 12, 2017

    Hi Melanie. I just want to thank you for your huge generosity in providing so much free material and for making the Narc recovery course so affordable. I am working my way through all the modules and can feel my old true self beginning to emerge. A huge thank you from the bottom of my heart ?.

  • kaorner68@gmail.com'
    Ann
    July 19, 2017

    Hi, I’m married to a narcissist for 28 years. We have two children that are grown. Recently, we had the worst blow up ever in front of his family and our children. He behaved horribly and severed his relationship with our daughter because she stood up for me to him. I’m at a loss as to what to do. My nerves really can’t take anymore. He went from that moment claiming he wants a divorce to now facing a life of being alone, has done a 180, telling me he wants to seek counseling and claiming that if I leave it will destroy our son’s life. After the way I’ve been treated for 28 years, why is it that he is able to make me feel guilty as if I had anything to do with our current situation? I don’t know where to turn. I’m well aware that this stage from everything I’ve read is just a little honeymoon of kindness to lead me to believe that he will change, but I know better. Any advice at all???
    Ann

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      July 19, 2017

      Hi Ann,

      my heart goes out to you – yet when we have “had enough” that is usually the time a big shift can happen.

      ‘s get to us though our unhealed parts. When we focus into them and heal these through to solidness then we are impervious to their tactics and can leave and go forward in the most effective way.

      Have you connected to my free resources?: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freestarterpackage and also I thoroughly recommend my free workshop – that is the best resources I can grant you to start coming out of the hooks with him: https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar

      I hope this helps.

      Mel xo

  • devsjoffe@gmail.com'
    Jacqui Louiss
    March 13, 2018

    Mel
    Thank you again for all the videos and blogs I follow all the time. I have listened to this one so many times. I have tried the quantum healing when I signed up and purchased the gold pack. Have had amazing support but gave up after falling asleep so many times.
    I’m in a relationship now and have so much still to heal. I’m petrified of making the same mistake and keep second guessing my partner is this narc behaviour, is this right is this wrong.
    I’m so not going to fall apart if I leave this relationship because it’s either right or not.
    I have been doing another healing program but in another few weeks I intend on going back to try to do the quantum healing again.
    Thanks again
    Blessed to have you in the world

  • nicopopliceanu@yahoo.com'
    Nicoleta
    March 23, 2018

    Brilliant episode. I love your cat. Thank you, Melanie.

  • ka.cardinale@hotmail.com'
    Kathy
    October 1, 2018

    Yes Melanie I’d really appreciate a follow-up video or blog post on how to ask for what you need in relationships in a healthy way.

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      October 1, 2018

      Hi Kathy,

      I will certainly put this forth to the team to do. I’d love to.

      Mel 🙏💕❤️

      • jamossbarger@hotmail.com'
        J A Mossbarger
        October 30, 2018

        Please do, this was the most refreshingly & honestly vulnerable of all of the videos I have yet seen. I have learned heaps. You’re good as gold. You do have much to give to those of us who struggle to become that new beautiful butterfly. Thank you. It was in your vulnerable admission that you are still in process of finding the balance between a fierce autonomy and the abandonment within a passionate love that I was most deeply touched. Please do explore this more. I love the bodhisattva in you. It brings the smile of peace to my heart. Thanks ~Allan

  • ka.cardinale@hotmail.com'
    KathyAAC
    November 5, 2018

    Melanie this is exactly the message I needed to hear. Could you please provide a transcript for us? I really need this in text to refer to regularly!

    • Melanie Tonia Evans
      November 5, 2018

      Hi Kathy,

      I am so pleased this resonated with you.

      I’m sorry Kathy there isn’t a transcript of this video available.

      Mel 🙏💕

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