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It’s an oft-repeated myth that being an empath automatically means you attract narcissists or are vulnerable to abuse.

This can leave survivors of abuse feeling powerless, because they have no desire to change if it means losing their sensitivity to the emotions of others and their empathy.

So in this week’s Thriver TV episode I want to debunk this myth.

There is no one more powerful than an empath who is able to authentically stand as their True Self, shining their light brightly with no worry about attracting narcissistic moths!

It’s my hope that by explaining the difference between empaths and co-dependents, I can help you achieve that.

 

 

Video Transcript

Today I want to talk about what is the difference between an empath and a co-dependent? It’s a really important question and you may be surprised at the answer.

But before I get started, if you haven’t yet subscribed to my YouTube channel, please do and remember to share my material with others to let them know that we can not only survive narcissistic abuse, we can heal and thrive.

Let’s now look at what is the difference between an empath and a co-dependent? To do this, I need to first define what I mean when I use those terms.

An empath is somebody who distinctly feels other people’s energy and is sensitive to it.

A co-dependent is somebody who requires outside energy, love, approval, survival, and security in order to try to feel whole and safe.

Now, there is often a crossover. There are people who are very sensitive to other people and their energy and they are also co-dependent, because they’re people pleasing. They are vigilant in reading the room to discover everyone else’s needs and wants, so that they can provide them in order to get love, approval, survival and security.

It can be confusing, because you might think, “I don’t want to lose my empathy, I don’t want to stop feeling sensitive to other people’s feelings,” yet you believe that it is this sensitivity that made you vulnerable to abuse.

So I want to break all of this down even further.

Let’s start with the empath, because I believe that there are two types of empaths, and an empath can either be a disempowered empath or an empowered empath.

 

The Disempowered Empath

The disempowered empath does not realise that we can’t save a drowning person by jumping into the water and drowning with them. When we bend over backwards to ‘save’ another person, we’re actually not helping them. In fact, we can be not only enabling them to be irresponsible and abusive, we can also be abusing ourselves and setting ourselves up for abuse.

If you are an empath who reads other people’s energy and tries to grant them what they want, in order for you to feel like you are loved, approved of, secure and safe, it actually doesn’t work. It can’t work, because you are signing up for their version of your life rather than having an inner standing about your own version of your life.

Moreover, people don’t treat you how you treat them: people treat you in relation to how firm, solid and aligned you are with your own values and your own truth. They treat you how you treat you.

The disempowered empath in a dysfunctional family or relationship will be walking on broken glass. They are constantly feeling into another person and trying to second guess what that person is feeling, what they want, whether they are going to explode, or whether they are going to be nice today.

The disempowered empath doesn’t notice what shape of a pretzel they are twisting and turning themselves into, to try to get what they need from other people.

It can look to others – and to the empath themselves – that the empath is a really beautiful, good person, only concerned about other people. That’s the righteousness I used to stand in as a disempowered empath, until I came home to the truth that set me free. I was being like this for the selfish reason of people-pleasing others so that they would grant me what I needed to feel whole and safe.

This pattern of behavior is instilled in childhood. As sensitive children we grew up navigating our surroundings as best we could in order to be safe and to try to get love. In many families this of necessity involved learning to read the room, be hyper-vigilant to the moods of others, and meet their wants and desires before they expressed them.

As adults, we hopefully grow out of that as we evolve and develop. Unfortunately, a lot of us didn’t come from families where our parents were able to model or teach us how to establish the kind of Self who could generate a healthy life for ourselves.

So instead, we grew into adults who handed our power away, and had ‘gaps’ and energy leaks which left us still trying to get our needs met from the outside. Often by people who did not grant us love, approval, security and survival – no matter how well we tried to read their energy, no matter what we granted them and no matter what shape of pretzel we twisted ourselves into

That’s the fate of the disempowered empath.

It’s lose-lose.

When we never lay boundaries – by expressing our values and our truths and stating what we need to continue in a relationship – then we are never offering others an opportunity to step up into an evolutionary relationship with us. We’re not being honest to people. In fact we are being dishonest to them and ourselves by ‘going along to get along’. We are enabling others to stay irresponsible and abusive.

Even when things fall apart for people, we will usually pick up the pieces for them and fix all of their messes, to try to prove our worth so that they will love us.

This looks very similar to a co-dependent, because a co-dependent is doing exactly the same thing.

But I’m going to go into more about co-dependence in a minute. Now let’s have a look at the empowered empath.

 

 

 

The Empowered Empath

An empowered empath cares about people, but an empowered empath understands the analogy of the airplane safety drill – we must put on our own oxygen mask first, before assisting others.

If we are trying to help others while we ourselves are suffocating and gasping for air, then we can cause more damage than good. We could pass out through lack of oxygen before we manage to get a mask on another person – so then there are two people suffocated instead of one!

And this is unfortunately what disempowered empaths are doing.

An empowered empath knows that sometimes tough love is the most loving thing that we can do if we truly care for people.

We owe it to others as well as ourselves to be honest in our relationships with others – to ask for what we need and to stop expecting them to be mind-readers.

The unexpressed expectations of the righteous martyr belong to disempowered empaths who give to get. As empowered empaths, we speak up and we tell the truth.

I’m going to give you a really beautiful example of the difference between a disempowered and an empowered empath.

Imagine being a public speaker, on stage and addressing an audience.

A disempowered empath will be trying to read their audience, and they may think, “Somebody there is on their mobile phone; and there’s someone who looks bored. Then there’s a couple over there who are whispering angrily at eachother. What am I going to have to do to keep people’s attention or appeal to what they want me to say?”

Whereas an empowered empath will be channeling Sourceand Truth, and will be focussed on sharing their mission and their passion, from their heart and their spirit. They stand in integrity rather than handing their power away.

Who do you think is going to be the most successful speaker?

The second person still loves and cares for people. They know the truth sets people free, and they have a mission and a passion to contribute to the world.

Although the first empath superficially looks like they are the most empathetic and caring, they are actually concerned about themselves rather than others.

Think about it.

Now let’s have a look at the co-dependent.

 

The Co-dependent

A co-dependent is somebody who hands their power away to others by trying to get Self from others. This is about false sources.

Whole, healthy adults aim for interdependence and being able to be a self-generative source of love, approval, security and survival. Doing this requires us to fill with Source – the Divine Mind, the Life Force, the Quantum Field, the Oneness – and the connection to prosperity, expansion, well-being and authentic personal power.

Our trauma will keep us at a lower vibration, so to connect to our personal power we have to do the inner work to release our trauma, and to fill with the True Self – the Light of Who We Really Are, our higher Superconscious capacity.

If we are unable to do this, then we’re in trauma, feeling cut off from Source, out on the edge, alone in separation consciousness. The pain of this has us feeling like a child in an adult’s body – un-parented, unsafe, unloved and not belonging.

We desperately grasp at False Sources, to try to fill ourselves up – but we keep coming up empty. It’s like taping sandwiches on your jumper and hoping that you’ve had lunch.

We seek people and situations to try to feed the False Self, to try to be whole. It doesn’t necessarily make us a bad person; it just means we don’t know our way home yet and so we are trying to ‘fill up’ the hole that has us stuck in anxiety and depression

It’s so painful to have that hole where our own source of self should be that we keep trying and trying to fill it the only way we know how (from the outside), even when it becomes clear it’s not going to work. This leaves us feeling very defeated, devastated, distressed and re-traumatized over and over again.

The interesting thing about co-dependency is that narcissists are also terminally co-dependent, even though we usually don’t use that term for them.

A narcissist is not connected to their inner being and True Source – they haven’t resolved that higher relationship of Oneness and unity consciousness. So the narcissist is also separated and focussed on ”the outer.

The narcissist also has that ‘hole’ where their self-generated love, approval, security and survival should be. The way they try to fill that hole is like a vampire trying to get energy from other people and situations – ego feeds in order to try to feel okay. Again, it’s a bottomless pit.

It’s just as necessary to them as a drug they are addicted to.

Now I don’t want you to freak out and think, “Well, I must be a narcissist.” You are not.

But there are huge similarities between co-dependency – which is something we have all had and may still be working on – and narcissism. That’s why co-dependents and narcissists are a match made in hell.

Like attracts like.

Both people are separated from Source and not in unity consciousness, and each is trying to get from the other what they themselves lack, in order to feel whole.

As co-dependents, we can be really good people with high integrity, compassion and empathy, but we still feel empty on the inside.

This means we may battle with anxiety or depression. We try to keeping busy. We try to prove our worth. Even if we are very high functioning, capable and successful in the outside world, on the inside we feel unsafe, unloved and not whole.

Other people may see us as confident and assured, but narcissists, as the predators they are, are exceptionally good at working out people. They can spot that we are co-dependent, hungry for approval, and not solid whole people with good boundary function.

Healthy, interdependent people don’t care what others think about them. They stand in their own authenticity and do not seek approval, because they already are approved of – by their own Inner Being and Source.

When we heal ourselves, we can be like that too! It’s brilliant and it’s so freeing. But until then, we are susceptible to the ‘dark co-dependent’ – the narcissist – who is seeking somebody disconnected from their true power.

The narcissist can then pretend to be the ‘piece you are missing’ and your savior. It’s like that expression, “You complete me.” The narcissist knows exactly how to act that out, so that you become trauma bonded to them. Without knowing it, you have literally made them your Source – your God.

That’s how you have two individuals who are not yet whole come together. The bonding dynamic is that the co-dependent is always trying to win love and approval from the narcissist to feel safe, and the narcissist is mining and exploiting them for the same reason.

When you stay connected to a narcissist – trying to get love, approval, security and survival from them – you’re not letting go and that means they can keep feasting on your life force, your money, your sexuality or whatever else they believe they can gain from you to feed their false self. They feed off you like a parasite or a vampire.

 

The Connection To Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissists love and adore disempowered empaths. Not in a healthy way, but in a predatory way.

If you are sensitive, not whole and in inner-standing in your own body, values and truth; and if you are disconnected from Source, then you will be trying to read other people, clean up their messes and give them what they want so that they will love you. This is also the way you will try to control your anxiety and your depression, because you will believe that only other people and the outside world can affect your mental state.

But all of your discomfort is actually coming from your own unhealed relationship with yourself and Source. Other people and situations, including narcissists, are just the evidence of it.

This is why narcissists love disempowered empaths and co-dependents who are not whole and solid on the inside.

Disempowered empaths and co-dependents may be beautiful people, but they haven’t yet come home to themselves.

This is what made us like the injured gazelle at the edge of a pack that the predator could grab. Far better to be a big, robust, empowered bison in the middle of the pack! Then there’s no way a dark soul can take you down. This is what happens in our development, when we come home to ourselves.

We have to get past the point of caring about who we’re going to piss off, because no longer are we willing to piss off ourselves. We get to the point where we’re happy to lose somebody else, but will never lose our Self.

When we reach this place, we know that our life and how we create it is between us and Source, and is down to our decisions, our alignments, our boundaries and our well placed ‘no’s. We know how to connect in healthy ways, and are able to take our time getting to know someone, because we are not needy and hungry for connection. We can see clearly, and do not assume everyone thinks and acts the way we do, because we realise that everything exists out there.

We trust our intuition and speak up honestly, which invites people up into an evolutionary relationship with us. If they don’t want to or don’t have the capacity to, then we can lovingly let them go, mentally saying “We’re not a match and that’s fine, because I have all of creation to play with. You don’t have to be my Source.”

When I am a Source of myself, with Source, I’m unlimited. That’s freedom and true Quantum empowerment.

This is the way I live – and I promise you, I have been right at the other end of the scale, being a disempowered empath and a broken, powerless co-dependent, almost to my death.

I moved from that powerless end of the scale to where I am today, and that’s what I help other people do too. No matter how broken you are, no matter how hard it seems, or if you fear it’s going to be too much work.

When you heal in the Quantum way, it changes everything.

 

In Conclusion

All of my courses are about that Quantum empowerment and take you there step-by-step.

No matter what your age or gender, or what you’ve been through, and even if abuse and disempowerment is all you’ve known your entire life, there is a True Self reality that awaits you. Let me help you to join all the other Thrivers who have made the change!

Click on this link, which will help you connect to going Quantum and leaving abuse behind.

When we were children, we were co-dependent and we did not have any choice to be different. But as adults, we do. I want to help you to move out of your co-dependency to be a beautiful empowered empath – because this is how we were born to live.

I hope that’s explained a lot for you today. So, until the next one, keep smiling, keep healing, and keep thriving, because there is nothing else to do.

Lots of love – and let me know what you think in the comments below!

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Commments (18) + Leave a comments

18 thoughts on “The Difference Between Empaths & Co-dependents

  1. Dear Melanie!
    Thank you for explaining this material so well….🙌
    The subject of codependency and empathy and the strange interaction of the two has always somewhat puzzled me…🤔
    This wonderful and insightful article helps me to understand and somewhat solve that enigmatic question of how an empath can get hooked by a narcissist and how, simultaneously, a codependent can also get hooked by a narcissist…
    And that all of that can happen in one single lifetime!!!! 😵‍💫
    I’ve really tried to live life as an empath most of my life but, unfortunately, I’ve been codependent way too often…
    My personal struggles with codependency probably precluded me from making a sound decision about leaving my marriage….
    I couldn’t stop believing that I couldn’t be an independent human being without the narcissist, no matter how crappy she treated me….
    My tendencies towards empathy created problems as well.
    When I recognized that this person was no longer good for me to be around I would think to myself “well, she might change! Maybe I’ll stick around and see! I will try to help her!…. and so on and so on and so on…..
    What a waste of time and good energy it was…. especially after what happened and is continuing to happen with the narcissist….
    However, thankfully, after always trying my best, ESPECIALLY, more now, when I remember the comment you have made many times, “it’s not what’s done to you but what’s done for you”, i’m able to get some clarity about maybe why so much of this difficult stuff is/was happening in my life….
    I’m still learning about all of this, but, so thankfully, I have more clarity each day, now! 💥
    Thankfully, in relationship to this article, I see the necessity there is to cultivate even more empathy in my life and let go of this plague of codependency….
    And, most importantly, why I am HERE and have this incredible opportunity to participate in NARP and learn from you, Melanie, each day of my life!
    This article is, once again, extremely helpful for me and I’m sure for many others on this earth….Thank you so much, Melanie!
    Much love and gratitude! ❤️🦋❤️

  2. Melanie,

    Thank you so much! This is such a concise article. Such clarity! You have been one of my tethers on my journey out of a narcissistic relationship. Thank you for all your wisdom. 🤗😘

    My life is beautiful and peaceful now! I relish in the peace every day!

  3. Dear Melanie,

    Thank you so much for this article! It resonated so well and explained a lot. Except one part – I’m afraid of putting myself out, not because of what others will like me or not, but because I’m afraid that my ex,narccist will get to know that my life is so much better without him and come after my kid. So in your words, I’m afraid to shine so not to attract his attention. What do you advise to work on?
    I follow your material and its truly amazing and it had helped so much, besides therapy, me to find myself after what happened. Thank youuuu

    1. Hi Asia,

      you are very welcome.

      Please know the battle with narcissists is spiritual – it’s energetic.

      They can only operate in our universe if they can trigger our internal fears. Working on your inner being to shed the fear of “what you fear” (Module 8 with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp is SO powerful for this!) and then means this energetic parasite literally cannot operate in your experience.

      Truly …

      Much Love to you and your child

      Mel 🙏💞🦋

  4. Oh my actual God Melanie, this could not have come at a more perfect moment for me. Thank you so much for your amazing work as ever. Xx

  5. Melanie, your depth of insight and understanding and ability to articulate it so clearly is profound and truly inspiring. Thank you for everything. I am so happy to be a part of the NARP community.

  6. Hi Melanie,

    Thank you for continuing to talk about this, it really helps in the step by step process of grasping what it means to be a wholly healthy person.

    Wishing you and everyone Happy Holidays!

  7. From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU! You have helped me to fully understand where I need to ‘level up’, to find my truth and peace! God Bless!

  8. THANK YOU for this AMAZING video!! I discovered while listening that I DEFINITELY was a disempowered empath, but am on the road of recovery towards being an EMPOWERED EMPATH!! The way that Melanie presented these two differences is PHENOMINAL!! WOW!! It REALLY HIT HOME FOR ME!!!
    From my HEART TO YOURS, I BLESS YOU AND THANK YOU for sharing this eye, heart and mind opening issue in your video!!! LOVED IT!!!

  9. Thankyou Mel. You speak from wisdom and live. You said recently something on the lines of all of emotion of life is love or fear. So I guess a disempiwered empath empath is still in the fear zone and we’re empowered and in truth then we are in the love zone. In the past few years I’ve been divorced, partner died, met the narcissist, left the narcissist. At the same time two of my friends ghosted me as did both of my sisters. They only saw the trappings of wealth the narc was showering on me at the time and were jealous of the love they saw. It was love just not a healthy one. I was at my rock bottom until I left him 8 months ago. And I’m so much clearer now since using narp and now the thriver programme. I started my own business. Reconnected with those that want to be on my journey and life is good. I’m finally putting my energy into me consistently. I keep building.

  10. I feel like I’m an empath but picked up on codependent energy from my past narcissistic relationship. I kept giving them everything I felt they needed to feel “secure” but they were a bottomless pit and after I lost myself I was discarded (repeatedly). Would this be a possible dynamic in these types of relationships?

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