In today’s article we are going to deeply peel back one of the most painful reasons why abuse can happen to us – lack and dependency.
My intention with this article is to allow all of us to understand the “gaps” that have ensnared us with abusers, so that we can ascend beyond this to not only be impervious to them, but also be the masters of the life that we truly wish to live.
Okay… lets go back in time to the start of when “lack and dependency” were our unavoidable realities.
As a Child
Absolutely you were born with predispositions – meaning that you were NOT a blank slate. Your individual makeup was yours: this is why even identical twins can have very different personalities.
Some aspects of you are already highly established; look at Mozart who was composing symphonies at 4 years of age as an extreme example. There are other aspects of us which naturally are deeply underdeveloped; you may have been timid, sensitive and deeply fearful of the world and people right-from the get go.
This isn’t random when you understand deeper Quantum Truths, such as your soul energy is here to have experiences – to learn and have the opportunities to grow and heal.
Regardless of “what you came in with” as a child you have “lack”. You are not an established solid adult self yet. You are developing. You don’t know what it is to be a self-generative source of love, approval, security and survival for yourself yet.
You can’t make your own way in the world. You can’t get your needs met via your own choices. You don’t have a bank account. You can’t travel freely independently, and you can’t choose to transact with the world to be able to grow and create your life.
Because of this “lack” you are entirely dependent on the caretakers in your life to provide you with love, approval, security and survival in order to have these four pillars of your Inner Identity established.
In our wonderful community here, many people had different childhood experiences. Absolutely every single one of us came from a background of lack and dependency (simply because we were co-dependent children). How well did our parents do in helping us to be solid on this inside knowing – that we have the power to be independent – as we grew up?
Sadly, the world we are in has been deeply unconscious and in “the outside in” programming that has been responsible for many people NOT growing up solid, calm and at peace (safe) on the inside.
This programming has a heavy focus on False Gods – namely competition, achievement, appearances and “getting” – rather then deep anchored beingness and connection to the Higher Infinite Mind, that ironically grants access to true durable love, health and prosperity. Many of our parents were also struggling with feeling empty or traumatised on the inside, and we grew up taking this on as well.
We may have had a parent who accepted a terrible job, because they suffered the lack of not believing they could get a better one. Maybe the relationship of our parents was awful, but they clung to each other rather than be alone. Perhaps we had modelled to us “giving to get” because one or both parents were people pleasers, and suffered abuse and exploitation from others as a result.
Maybe as a child you were given messages that were deeply unloving because of abuse or neglect, or conditional loving, causing you to be “loved” when you complied, and then rejected when you didn’t. Perhaps you were only approved of if someone else got what they wanted from you; or if you performed all the roles they gave you; or if you achieved the results that made you worthy of approval.
Perhaps nothing you ever did was good enough, and you were always criticised no matter what.
Maybe you were adored, yet this parent didn’t care for and love themselves. Children don’t become what their parents say, they follow what their parents do for themselves.
Perhaps things were so unstable at home that you felt unsafe, insecure and didn’t know how to “be” to stay safe. You may have been so focussed on keeping someone else sane enough to not get hurt that you couldn’t establish safety inside of yourself, with YOUR essential pillars of self.
Maybe as a result of abuse, fights and separations between your parents, and/or neglect and addictions, you felt like you may not survive.
Absolutely this causes your Inner Identity to not just be stunted in its development but also to be compromised.
Now I want to make something abundantly clear from the Quantum perspective of Universal Truth.
All is ONE. There is only one person in the room. Everything you have experienced is giving you the pleasant experience of showing you that part of yourself has already evolved, and what hurts and is stuck in painful patterns is what you have not yet turned inwards to heal and sort out within yourself.
You are still trapped in the small personality mind about this, which is the lower frequency; what many are now calling, 3D reality. Check out my previous article on Ascension to understand this better.
The bottom line is this is NOT your parent’s fault. They are stuck in their own programming, lack, dependencies and internal traumas that were passed on to them by people who also suffered lack, dependencies and generational internal limiting traumas.
The even more profound bottom line is this. Everything that your parents granted you regarding lack and dependencies – that set you up for future lack and dependencies – happened for the perfect soul reason: for you to turn inwards, heal and release yourself from lack and dependencies.
Thus to ignite your True Self and deeply longed for life – the Life of your Dreams that was always yours to have.
To stay thrashing around in the blaming and shaming of your parents is simply another active demonstration of lack and dependency – and there is no way out until you actively embrace the responsibility of generating your own ascension via Quantum inner healing.
As an Adult
Naturally many of us became adults with “lack” still on board in regard to the four pillars of our Inner Identity – love, approval, security and survival.
Usually at a deep level these four pillars are deeply connected.
If we don’t love and approve of ourselves then as children we take on the critical parent voice of not being enough, not being worthy of love, having to earn love and approval and needing to “get” it rather than just knowing how to “be” it.
Because of this we can’t get these commodities from our relationship with ourselves – it’s lacking there. So now we are dependent on others. We are automatically co-dependent: empty on the inside, and trying to get “ourselves” from outside of ourselves via other people and acquisitions.
This makes us a natural choice and an energetic match for abusers. They pretend to grant us the love and approval that is missing within us, get us hooked on them and then start siphoning out our lifeforce and resources.
Of course this leads to feeling insecure, confused, tormented and traumatised. The abuser gaslights us and makes us doubt ourselves, our lovability and worth (which we already doubted).
As our own disintegration deepens, we fear for our emotional, mental, spiritual, material and even physical survival.
Again, we feel like powerless children, completely at the whim of what another adult is or isn’t doing to us.
What Does Dependency Really Mean?
As a child dependency is inevitable. As an adult it isn’t.
I never deeply understood this until I Quantum Healed myself. My previous adult self was deeply co-dependent and hooked into accepting abuse as my reality.
Now I live my life, free as myself.
Dependency means this: “I have to stay connected to you because you are my Source of love, approval, security or survival”.
It means “I am choosing you instead of myself.”
“If I let go of you, I can’t create this for myself.” And…
“If I let go of you there may be no other options.”
The bottom line is this: “If I let go, I don’t trust that – by alignment and healing with the Infinite Mind (Source) – I can be magnificent and live my true desires without you.”
The logical mind (the enemy of our true power) says these things: “You are too old / sick / incapable / lazy / unskilled / defective / dysfunctional etc. etc. etc. to effectively generate love, approval, security and survival”. This is why we hang on to the very end, until things get so bad that there is no option other than to let go if we want to save ourselves.
These shocking situations may include experiencing abuse. Blatant abuse. All of the Quantum evidence of so within, so without that “you are not in alignment with True Creation.”
And if we are really honest with ourselves, we are blatantly abusing ourselves in this lack and dependency.
We can do it with love relationships, family, jobs, friendships – all matters personal or business related.
And here is the limited “stinking thinking” that always creates big disappointments and disasters. “I know this is so WRONG, but I have to put up with it because you bring to the table the things that I need.”
All of this is a product of the lower vibrational, small, logical mind.
The healed-up Thriver Self connected to the much larger powerful Infinite Mind knows “I am standing in my truth, generating it for myself and therefore it comes. There is no lack, there is no loss, there is only well-placed choices – without needing physical proof of outcomes – which call forth the higher alternative.”
Read these two above statements again and feel into them – feel them in your body.
Which one feels expansive and healthy? Which one feels limited, dangerous and scary?
Now please understand this: your Body IS the Infinite Mind, and your greatest job is to get it aligned into expansiveness and power. Then that is the life you can start to live.
How Abusive People Feed Off Your Lack and Dependency
Toxic and abusive people all play this game: they ensnare you as narcissistic supply via your dependencies by pretending to be the answer to your lack of self-love and approval, confidence, money, lifestyle, connections, experiences and opportunities. Then you trust them full heartedly, let them into the running of your life, and ignore all warning signs and red flags that go off.
I so know this one – it used to be a HUGE pattern in my life.
You may say, “Oh no Melanie that is not what happened to me. I got hooked in because I felt sorry for that person, and I am the one who played rescuer, and they exploited me in that way.”
Please know this is still lack from within. It is “I am not lovable and worthy unless I am fixing someone so they will love and approve of me.” It is very likely in your childhood that you had a sick or narcissistic parent that you were always trying to fix or please so that they would finally love you.
They used emotional manipulation and guilt tactics to exploit you. Later in life you are still trying to FINALLY get people to acknowledge what you grant them – people who will not take responsibility for themselves and blame you anyway, no matter what you grant them.
When we are hooked into someone by trying to get them to provide whatever is missing from inside of ourselves, then we are again the dependent child, trying to get an “adult figure” (someone from the outside) to fix this for us.
In Conclusion
As hard as these truths are, I hope this awareness helps you realise your mission to heal up these parts of you that are playing straight into this. So many of you are capable, incredible, creative, amazing, high-functioning people who look to have it all together.
Before my life breakdown, I too was successful. I was hard working, conscientious and certainly did not want “a free ride” off anyone. Yet deeply inside I did not love and approve of myself and I felt deeply insecure and unsafe.
I was a “lacking and dependent” target for abuse – despite outer appearances.
But now, thankfully, because of Quantum Healing I have been able to turn this around and take control of myself and my Thriver Life.
How I did this was by using The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP). To go straight to the testimonies of what NARP created for others, like me and you, click on this link.
If you are already using NARP and would like to take your Thriving to the next level, my next Love, Health & Wealth Super-Thrive Program is coming up soon! Click here to find out all the details.
Also, I have a very exciting announcement to make for those of you who wish to RISE out of lack and dependency regarding money, to become a Quantum Creator of Financial Prosperity.
I am doing a workshop on this very soon – I’m totally excited about being able to present Manifesting Financial Prosperity to you! Click on the link to learn more!
As always I look forward to your comments and questions below.
Dear Melanie!
Thank you so much for another amazing commentary on our lives on this earth! Unfortunately, so many of us earth beings are going through so much, now, as a result of exactly what you described in this article.
Since I’ve learned, certainly the hard way, what emotional, physical and psychological (as well as personally through decades of narcissistic abuse) does/did to me and, as well, so many of us “unfortunates” as we toil daily (myself for certain) and as we struggle to make sense of all the incredibly horrific “stuff” going on in us and around us as we live on the planet earth and that, unfortunately, what could have been a truly good life was ransacked by caregivers, teachers, etc., so unfortunately….and, as a result, I find so much of that very disturbing….
i’ve heard this condition described as “the terror of the situation”….I do understand that and how this often terrifying “situation” so many of us find ourselves in, is unfortunately, counterproductive for all of us….
Counterproductive in a sense to just living a simple life that enjoins practices intended to stimulate inner growth and spiritual development that was our God given birthright…
Sometimes all of that seems complicated but after I listen to you or read your articles I continue to understand better what I need to do as a human being on this earth and for that I am so grateful!
However, at this moment, here in my home, right NOW, I’m struggling a bit but am so grateful that you have been here so often to give me the guidance that I sooo need for my own evolution and spiritual growth and “conquer” my personal daily challenges….
And I am so grateful for this article! There is so much in this commentary but what I got from the article, that seems to be the most important, is that I need to continue to develop this “something” inside of me that can function independently, fully engaged, with emotional control with consistent balance emotionally with mental clarity and with all the attributes of a good human being for the rest of my life on this earth….
And, Melanie, that’s what I pretty much get from NARP!
This article today is absolutely brilliant and I hope it helps as many people on this earth as it helped me! Thank you so very much for everything that you are doing and continue to do to help us….
Sending love! ❤️🦋❤️
Hi Peter,
thank you again for your incredibly thoughtful answer. I agree with everything you have said, yet my Quantum Self knows there is an easier way to do this – even after all the terrible trauma that you have gone through (my heart goes out to you because its been a lot..)
My thought for you – just keep shifting.
Try as hard as you can dear man, to do some shifts on “trying to work it out”, to release that, so that you can let go of with NARP, what hurts right now – without even thinking about it.
NARP works so much better that way.
So much love to you Peter.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
I understand how we can’t blame our parents but how then do we maintain a relationship with boundaries when there is no acknowledgment of things and zero accountability…
For example my mother had a horrendous childhood and for so many years (subconsciously) I gave her a pass….Today I understand how her past made her who she is today but it’s also her responsibility as a mother and as an adult to hear me and validate me (just as she should others which she does I guess- apparently it’s just myself that is the problem…for years it was my younger sister)…it’s her responsibility to do the emotional work. It’s hard…so very hard. I’m wanting to give her credit- Inside I’m begging for her to show up but it’s proved to be a false hope…she isn’t going to- she can’t, she’s in capable supposedly. She continues to hurt me…not just me but more importantly my child as a means to get to me. She’s ruthless at times.
If approached (it doesn’t matter how or when etc) she gets defensive. On occasion we’ll have a conversation where we seemingly come to an understanding, connect if you will, but it’s only short lived…a week or so…
So I’m at a point as if the last few months where I do blame her and with all do respect I disagree with you on this point…I’ve spent so much of my life always seeing the bigger picture of people and acknowledging they too have their story but so munch so I dismiss parts of myself and parts of my own story in which nobody wins.
So as of now I disagree on this point. My blame of her won’t stay-it’s not the “root” but to say blaming her is wrong, I couldn’t disagree more.
Hi J,
the truth of our parents is many of them don’t have the consciousness to accept responsibility (even if not narcs). They came from a paradigm of “children are seen and not heard” and “what I say and do goes.”
You can’t make a cat lay an egg. And if you need that cat to lay an egg so that you can heal – then you will be powerless to ever heal. How can someone who doesn’t know how to have empathy, kindness and love for themselves have ANY capacity to have that for you? The fact that they “should” is completely irrelevant.
That’s just the point-blank truth. Most of all had to face this truth – I promise you that you are NOT alone. I would say what you are struggling with is the same for EVERY abuse victim. NONE of them EVER validate us – whether they are a parent, lover, even your own child.
Sooo that leaves you with some options …
1) Use NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp on the inside of you to release the trauma of what she did to you so that you no longer NEED her to validate and heal you, because you have done that for yourself – and then work out the boundaries and relationship going forward from you own personal position of wholeness, solidness and power without feeling hurt anymore.
2) Stay attached and triggered and unhealed, therefore hurt with no ability for her to validate you, hurting your relationship forever with self, ife and others … or
3) Go No Contact and then work on your inner healing to no longer be traumatised with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp and then reassess how you could do a relationship with her, or not.
Victims take hostages – she is one.
But here is your choice, you remaining a victim to her keeps yourslf a hostage.
I hope you can hear and understand the ONLY way out of the pain is you healing yourself – it’s not via her.
Come with us as a NARP member and you will see how to get free.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi J I so feel you my mom also had a difficult childhood which caused her to fall into the arms of my narc father and affected my childhood likewise! I feel there is a difference between letting someone get away with a certain behavior and excusing it with their hardship or understanding their behavior and forgiving them for it! Forgiveness does not mean acceptance! My mother has developed what a call a co-Narcisstic behavior because that was all she knew! Even though she is not a real narc like my father she behaves like one, accepts cero boundaries and is super toxic without any regret or realization of her behavior whatsoever! What I have done and works for me is limiting the contact to the bare minimum and when I have to be with her being very present and conscious not to get drawn into her games! I reduce the conversation to certain subjects I don’t tell her any private stuff and apply the same methods like with narc people! Forgiveness is for us not for them in the end this is about me not her! I totally take the focus away from her … her past is no excuse for her behavior and I understand I won’t change it but my response to it belongs to me! I don’t agree with the way she acts but I understand that is all she can do at the moment I don’t try to change her and I don’t engage! I learn from her and see what she mirrors back so I can heal! Blaming will only keep you trapped as it means you still expect something from her like support love etc.. I understood she cannot give what she doesn’t have herself! She has been a very unconscious mother but a great teacher! So I am grateful and integrate the learnings
Dear Melanie Thank you for your true words on this! I am just going through a divorce and the narc has managed to bleed me out financially so now I even had to beg him for money to be able to buy food for my children! He does that so he can force me to accept his divorce offer and I totally felt like like a little girl having to beg daddy for money to get something! Even though I totally see this pattern I don’t know what to do as I don’t see I have another choice! This divorce has been going on for nearly three years and we haven’t even begun the process yet! I know he is blackmailing me and put me in this dependent state to control me with money but wouldn’t it be better to accept his offer and get him out of my life instead of continuing for years with a trial that might lead to nothing as he lives abroad? I wouldn’t even know how to continue as I can’t even pay my lawyer anymore I would have to find a job first which might take months and then continue with this whole exhausting divorce! I know one should not negotiate with narcs but I feel this is my only way out to start a new life! Any thoughts ok this? Kind regards! Lia
Hi Lia,
You are very welcome.
Sweetheart it’s so good that you reached out and as I posted other your other comment I would love to offer you the additional support that you need at this time.
The NARP Forum is this coaching and support which is 24/7/365 complimentary with Gold NARP.
I so hope that this grants you the solutions and help that you need
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Btw I got your course and I am doing the narp but no result yet
Hi Lia,
I would love our team to help you work with NARP.
Do you have Gold NARP? If so please log into http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/member where one of my lovely NARP specialists can help you.
If you have any problem connecting into the NARP Member’s Forum, please contact one of my support team at [email protected]
Please know Lia you do not have to heal alone.
Much Love to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thank you, Melanie, for this wonderful article. It is a great help. 🙂
Hugs,
Janet
Hi Janet,
I am so pleased that this helped.
Love and blessings to you Dear Lady
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hello Melanie,
Thanks so much for your insightful, real and powerful explanations. At one point reading your article I’ve been able to ascertain for myself that I have no lack within me, that I don’t need to depend on others for love, approval, security and survival. I suddenly had this reality settling in my inside : that I have all I need inside of me. The lie that I’d believed for years has just disappeared. I’ve been fully equipped by God with everything I need for life. It’s been totally liberating!. The first three paragraphs under the caption “As an adult” have led me to this magnificent transformational discovery.
Thanks so much! Lots of gratitude, and profound acknowledgment to you and your thoughtful giving away of this invaluable information.
Hi Patricia,
I adore what just activated within you!
It is soooo key!!!
This is ascension into your True Self right there. You are right you can’t “think” this, it has to be embodied.
So happy you have anchored into this.
Much Love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Melanie
Thank you so much for this article it makes so much sense why I attracted my significant other and I experienced the abuse I experienced, shuu it this such an eye opener IMG wow wow, I have started on my journey of healing …..but I would like to heal this lack and dependancy ….so so grateful for this article
Hi Lia,
Your wisdom in how you deal with your mother really helped me to look at the way I deal with my own parents’ abuse. Memories of the abuse and their constant terrible treatment of me as a child come up so much less frequently since I began my journey of healing, and especially since QFH has given me a way to get it out of my being forever. Yet the memories still come up from time to time, and once they do they keep rolling around in my consciousness in very damaging and overpowering ways. You reminded me that forgiveness is not for them, it’s for me, and to totally take the focus off them and onto me. You were so right that you can’t excuse them because of their own horrible childhoods, but that my response to these memories is inside me and is totally my own responsibility.
This blog was also very helpful in giving me a new way to look at how my dependency and codependency was created in childhood, so thank you, Melanie. How could my damaged parents have possibly helped me to grow into a happy and fully functioning adult, while they themselves were desperately dependent on trying to force everyone around them to be the targets for offloading their own inner demons that were gnawing them alive? The only answer is, as you said in a previous blog, to grow up those hurting and underdeveloped parts of myself so I can be my own loving parent.