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I want you to know that we ALL missed the red flags! So please donโ€™t beat yourself up!

Narcissists donโ€™t walk into your life with a sign on their forehead saying, โ€œBeware, I am a narcissist!โ€ In fact, it is the exact opposite.

Because you missed the red flags, it doesnโ€™t mean that you have to in the future. It is so not true that anyone can get taken in by a narcissist.

This is what our healing and development is all about, to make sure that in the future we can trust ourselves, be powerful in our own bodies and in our lives and know that we can go forward without being taken down by a narcissist.

And, just as importantly, not live in the fear of it EVER happening to you again.

This is why todayโ€™s article is very important. It is to help you mindfully reach a truthful self-analysis to know what unconsciously led you into the trap, and know how to heal and grow beyond this.

Letโ€™s check out the 4 reasons why you missed the red flags, and please stay with me to the end of this article to learn how to never make these crucial and devastating mistakes again.

 

Number 1 โ€“ Being Susceptible To Charm And Love Bombing

Narcissists are usually very skilled at appearing anything but a narcissist. This person will seem friendly, confident, kind, compassionate and interested in you.

These are powerful combinations, especially when the โ€œcherry on the topโ€ is this person sizing you up and working out very quickly what makes you tick and what you need to hear. This person will pretend to have the assets you are looking for, as an โ€œadditionโ€ to your life โ€“ such as monogamy, validation, โ€œseeingโ€ you, being helpful, capable, caring and kind โ€“ or having a specific skill set that you donโ€™t have yourself, but feel that you need in your private or public life.

With such a powerful veneer of โ€œwonderful assetsโ€ you arenโ€™t listening to the little โ€œoffโ€ niggles of โ€œtoo good to be trueโ€ that you are feeling inside. You will justify away any strange comments, or self-proclaimed accolades that seem a little haughty, farfetched or even arrogant.

And โ€ฆ here is the big issue โ€“ you donโ€™t want to ruin the idea of โ€œthis is EXACTLY the person Iโ€™ve been waiting for!โ€ You donโ€™t want to scratch under the surface to investigate, check out these credentials thoroughly or do your due diligence before you let this person in.

Now letโ€™s go deeper into WHY you are going along with this, instead of looking out for yourself.

 

Number 2 โ€“ Not Knowing Yet That You Are Your Own Source

I really, really want you to know that after my own personal experience and that of having helped people disentangle and survive then Thrive after narcissistic abuse for over 10 years, I do know this โ€“ most of us KNEW deep down that there were things that were off and that there were red flags.

This part that I am about to explain is important โ€“ I believe that we live in a conscious and benevolent Universe, with a protective, loving Creator โ€“ and we ARE granted the information to look deeper, to be more mindful and to investigate to find the truth.

This was absolutely my case. People around both narcissists said things that were stark warnings about these people. There were lies that didnโ€™t check out to be accurate. There were behaviours, words and even the narcissists themselves warning me with their little narcissistic calling cards such as, โ€œIf you only knew what goes on in my head you wouldnโ€™t want to be meโ€ and โ€œIf people hurt me I canโ€™t help but destroy themโ€ and of course the way they talked about their exes which was appalling.

I chose to dismiss other peopleโ€™s versions of these individuals. I told myself I imagined that things were wrong, but surely all the โ€œwonderfulโ€ behaviours meant there wasnโ€™t anything to worry about, and as for the little โ€œcalling cardsโ€ dropped, I imagined that they were joking or exaggerating a little for effect.

The big question here is, โ€œWhy did I do this?โ€

Because I, as yet, didnโ€™t believe my life could be great without these people. I didnโ€™t think I would have another opportunity to do any better than them. I thought, โ€œpeople who are compatible with me donโ€™t come along often.โ€ This was my Achilles heel โ€“ not knowing that I was the generative Source of my own experience, that nothing and no one outside of me is โ€“ ONLY I AM.

My frailty was in still doing life from โ€œthe outside inโ€ (believing other people gave me myself) rather than doing life from โ€œthe inside outโ€ understanding my beliefs, inner development, convictions, and decisions to honour and align with my own worth to finally deliver that and who WAS aligned with my true values.

 

Number 3 โ€“ Cognitive Dissonance

To me the true meaning of Cognitive Dissonance is that you are making up stories to logically convince yourself of a reality that is totally in opposition to what your emotional True Self is telling you.

Then, of course, you are painfully living outside of your truth.

When the red flags are glaringly obvious and you are still ignoring them โ€“ it is only possible to do if you are living in cognitive dissonance.

Please know this โ€“ tyranny can never survive or operate in an environment of truth.

If someone is abusing you, mining you and destroying you emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and/or financially and you are still participating with this person or system, then you have to be lying to yourself. This is an attempt to maintain โ€œsomethingโ€ rather than valuing your Soul, which is screaming at you the truth of the assault that is taking place on you.

This is normal โ€“ we all did it.

My cognitive dissonances went like this โ€“

โ€œI finally have the life I want (husband, lovely home, dream future) this is worth fixing and saving.โ€

โ€œIโ€™ll lose everything if we split up.โ€

โ€œHis issues are because of his childhood and I have empathy for that.โ€

โ€œI donโ€™t want the shame of yet another failed relationship.โ€

โ€œMarriage has to be forever.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m too old to rebuild my life.โ€ (And much more โ€ฆ)

In cognitive dissonance you will ignore the truth, and even fight to deny it and stay stubbornly clinging to your version of things that are NOT the truth.

You may even attack other people who threaten your fragile version of the reality or justifications that you are trying to convince yourself of.

Why, because the truth is TOO shocking initially to accept.

The question is, โ€œHow BAD do things have to get before you will ACCEPT that the red flags are shocking, and that your VERY Soul, which is worth so MUCH more than the bricks and mortar, lifestyle or ideals, is seriously under threat?โ€

 

Number 4 โ€“ Trauma Bonding

There are very, very powerful emotional and psychic binds that happen with narcissists. Ridiculously so.

Let me explain WHY this is.

Narcissists are a spiritual phenomenon; they are a Soul lesson of the highest order entering our life to reflect back to us all the unhealed parts of ourselves that get smashed up to the surface. These are our unhealed parts which were once unconscious. Now, via a narcissist, we can finally be aware of them and heal them.

Narcissists are nemeses. They are not lukewarm relationships; they are impactful and excruciatingly emotionally intense. Why is this the case? Because if they were just โ€œho-humโ€ connections, they would not generate the powerful awakening via cataclysmic breakdowns in our life that required our self-healing attention.

What exactly is trauma bonding and why does it make us overlook and miss the red flags?

Trauma bonding is very specific โ€“ whatever unhealed traumas we have inside us regarding our Love / Relationship Code are exactly the people and situations we seek out, are attracted to, attractive to and make excuses for.

So, for example if your traumatic beliefs are, โ€œPeople I love abandon / invalidate / replace / cheat on / betray / destroy meโ€ as a result of your childhood and previous relationship traumas, and these things are still actively painful inside of you, then this is the trajectory you will be on, regardless of what you try to think.

Of course, logically you would never choose these people, yet subconsciously you are powerfully doing exactly that. When you connect with a person who matches your painful Love Code it feels familiar. Even more than familiarity, it feels like the right fit. It can even feel like they are your โ€œone and onlyโ€ and the person โ€œyou have been waiting for all of your life.โ€

These are extremely powerful bonding chemicals which lead you to be in utter anguish, when a relationship deteriorates (as it does with narcissists) into utter abuse, because you canโ€™t seem to get it through your head to leave this person and stay away no matter how badly they treat you.

The issue is it is your BEING (inside your cellular body) where these powerful programs are going on โ€“ hence why you canโ€™t get it โ€œthrough your headโ€.

In trauma bonding, your body controls your head. Your head is following the programs of your body. This is why you are not โ€œseeingโ€ the red flags at the start. Then, when they become a little more obvious, you will second guess, doubt yourself and even explain them away to yourself.

The red flags are not in agreement with the narrative of the internal program which is urging you forward subconsciously to be with such a person, enmesh with them and then try to make them different in order to stop hurting you.

Of course, this doesnโ€™t work โ€“ hence why we have to look at the solutions to all of this in a deeper way.

 

How To Never Miss The Red Flags Again

I hope you have realised now that the main reasons we missed the red flags are due to:

  • Not listening to and backing our intuition
  • Fear of โ€œI canโ€™t have this opportunity againโ€ and โ€œI need this personโ€
  • Making excuses due to losses if we did break away from this person, and
  • Unresolved, unhealed trauma bonds causing us to connect โ€“ despite warning signs.

Really what this all boils down to is the taking back of our Inner Being, emotional solidness, knowing of our own worth and power. Then you can be sane, clear and deliberate in your choices โ€“ regardless of the glitz and glamour that may be presented.

This takes development and inner healing and consciousness.

It means having the ability to take our time with people, have the serious (and hard) conversations and ask for verification, whilst taking the time and space to ascertain people โ€“ especially if they are trying to push for a fast connection.

Itโ€™s also vital to know that if information comes your way. INVESTIGATE it! Stop demonizing, pushing away and not looking into alternate views that may shatter how you โ€œwould like things to be.โ€

If you were in a building and got a call about a bomb, would you take it seriously or just determine it was a hoax because you couldnโ€™t be bothered looking into it, didnโ€™t want to believe it was, or thought that the caller must be a crackpot?

It may be nothing, but if you donโ€™t heed the warning and take precautions until you have the truth, you could get blown sky high!

And โ€ฆ ultimately it means that we need to learn, walk and stand in the word โ€œNOโ€! Such as โ€“

โ€œNo, Iโ€™m not comfortable with that.โ€

โ€œNo, I will take my time to ascertain you and what you offer.โ€

โ€œNo, this isnโ€™t healthy enough for me.โ€

โ€œNo, you arenโ€™t a match for my values and truth.โ€

Of course, this takes knowing yourself, and knowing your deservedness to receive what and who is healthy for you โ€“ as well as believing that aligning with this, means this truth does exist for you.

Are you able to generate your truth from your choices โ€“ or are your still broken and needy and just hope for the best, as a result of choosing instant gratification?

Thank goodness I am now the former, but I was definitely the latter until I did the Thriver Inner work, to not just change these painful patterns, but also deeply understand them to help guide other people out of them as well.

If this article resonates with you, and you can see a) where you have handing over your power, and b) more than a glint of hope that there is healing that can be done to prevent this happening to you in the future (I promise you it is more than possible โ€“ in fact it is probable!) then Iโ€™d love you to join my incredible community as a NARP member โ€“ where not only will your receive the entire program to get this essential Inner Work powerfully done, but you will also be connected to the loving guidance and support from the NARP Community who have achieved this too.

I hope you understand how Revolutionary this will be for you!

You can learn more about this here โ€“ The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program.

Was this article helpful? Can you see where you are at now in relation to seeing red flags? Do you yet feel confident that this wonโ€™t happen to you again?

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Commments (23) + Leave a comments

23 thoughts on “4 Reasons Why You Missed The Red Flags

  1. I saw the warning signs and trusted my initial gut feeling that this “person” was trouble and possibly a pathological liar. But when I tried to keep to myself, the following uncanny scenarios quoted below basically played out in my situation as well:

    โ€œThe narcissist will manipulate our first gut feeling, and creatively mesmerise us with an elaborate story they want us to believe.โ€ โ€” Joanna Kujath, (This Is How Narcissists Use Secrecy To Control You)

    โ€œThe narcissist is always trying to weasel their way into your head because once they’ve snuck-in they can control you. They gaslight routinely. They plant destructive messages and evil seeds of doubt.โ€ โ€• Posted by Lisette, (NEVER LET A NARCISSIST IN YOUR HEAD!!)

    1. OMG you said exactly the scenario what happened to me and I’m sure thousands of others who were roped into believing all the incredible stories and embedded evil deceived future outcomes of a beautiful life with these “weasels” hidden behind the mirror. I had so many screaming red flags, my guides telling me to run, but I was a specimen. I’m learning to forgive myself. I certainly know I needed a wakeup call and for whatever reason I was targeted, the soul searching for myself, is the lesson that I desperately was looking for.

  2. Oh my gosh! This is all that I went through. I did ignore all the red flags. He was too good to be true & I did not want to loose this perfect man. He was all that I was looking for & more. He was definitely a pathological liar, and nothing added up. There was so much crazy making. I am so glad I am out of this marriage, but I donโ€™t trust myself to ever try again.

  3. I just knew I had “come home” to my true partner. Well, I had, but not the way I initially thought… the feeling of home was because my mother was a narc! I too ignored all the red flags. I will NEVER go there again!

  4. In my last relationship (firmly ended in 2006) I saw Red Flags right at the start and I didnโ€™t burn any of them. It took me 2 years of watching to finally dump the narc; I havenโ€™t been in a relationship since. No plans to beโ€ฆ my life with a Self I can rely on and trust is good enough for me. My standards are very high and I wonโ€™t compromise on what matters most to me. Narcs are scrapings from the bottom of barrels of crap. I can do MUCH better!!!

  5. I knew my wife had deep problems, but, I was certain that this would disappear when we moved away from ‘family control’. My bad! She recruited a new ‘family’ among co-workers who followed her pattern. While I never proved any involvement with other men, there was just no loyality to me. No support for my ideas. As a nurse, she was in total control, asked or shared nothing but ruled the system. Lies and anipulation and some financial cheating were frequent. Our children were fed lies about my family. Her family was elavated! She controlled all money and on our seperation she was fraudulent.
    Ten years later she still is trying to get me back in. I am not that desperate , ANYMORE!

  6. Really resonated with this article and many that yo do Melanie ๐Ÿ™‚ Thank you for helping us that are battling to get over various form of narcissistic abuse. its been a long and windy road ! and still getting there.

  7. This resonates so much and thank you for helping us all to heal. I had a narcissistic mother and therefore several NPD partners before I realised it all. It has devastated my life and now I have been on my own, healing me, for 7yrsโ€ฆ. Again! Feels like I will be alone forever and just as I find myself and heal the damage caused by others, I will be too old and exhausted to even contemplate another relationship! I would love to do your NARP programme but it is simply too expensive for me, and probably many others who need it, Iโ€™m afraid. Thank you for the free snippets of help though, they do make a difference and please keep posting for those of us who cannot afford the full programme. ๐Ÿ‘

  8. Yeah you did rod and every everything you’re saying. Eros only people close to me to these abusers. I don’t get to make false memories have abuse amnesia. The best victims develop. Covid-19 lockdown over the last couple years has really give an advantage to the abuser. Add social media and cyba spyware we feeding good people into the narco meetgrinder in larger and larger numbers

    1. Ops did proof read sorry. Should standard you’re right but everything you were saying I have lost so many people close to me to these abusers.

    2. I agree and can relate to your last sentence so much. I see it and have felt it. Devastating really and we need to wake up to it.

  9. My GUT FEELING said run, although physically attracted. He spun a detailed yarn, his hopes, dreams, family man, responsible, caring, loved nature, hit every switch. Months later found, word for word was his supervisors life. He repeated popular/clever guys, ideas, opinions, as his own. He appeared vulnerable, with controlling abusive narc. father. His Mother hid in alcohol and addicted sedatives, prescribed by. Doc. to help her cope with her narc husband. I thought I could help him, free from their control he was happy, because I put him first. Bit by bit his mask dropped, I saw reality. Imature, selfish, lying, conniving and cruel. Irresponsible, he left his troubles for me to clear up. I was became the target he blamed for everything he did wrong
    Running up personal debts, not connected to family expenses for the 4th time. He expected me to go without, somehow pay. I said NO. The world changed, in that instant, I had let loose a demon, by refusing to clear up his mess. I Never argued, shouted or provoked him. I just watched, listened and saw the real person, behind his false front. It was terrifying. I knew I had to let go/let God. I could not help him. I had to help myself, before I went under. Off course he lied tried to turn my family friends against me ect… I am free today THANK GOD

  10. I just love how you point out that red flags are often ignored bc the person moving too fast with the narc is often needy and broken and looking to be complete from the outside in, instead of the other way around!
    YES! Getting healed and whole on the inside is so key, esp if raised by a narc parent or an emotionally distant parent. Either can be set ups for all the attention a narc relationship or friendship can bring. Iโ€™ve had a few narc friendships along the way, but NOW I โ€œsee.โ€ Great article!

  11. I think these are so darn helpful, especially for people who are either wounded or searching for reasons to justify a toxic relationship, to see a way out. The one thing that I related to, but wasn’t as easy for me, was this quote from Melanie:
    “Because I, as yet, didnโ€™t believe my life could be great without these people. I didnโ€™t think I would have another opportunity to do any better than them. I thought, โ€œpeople who are compatible with me donโ€™t come along often.โ€ This was my Achilles heel โ€“ not knowing that I was the generative Source of my own experience, that nothing and no one outside of me is โ€“ ONLY I AM”
    I truly do believe that is true, in my case it was my PARENTS whom I had to recognize I would be better without having in a real role in my life. And, that takes awhile, because as a child, you don’t recognize what’s going on, you think this is the way everyone’s parents act, you think it’s all about your parents’ wishes, pressures, fake flattery, dishonesty, purposeful conflict-inducing petty crap they throw into the mix of their children, controlling rules that are abusive, control by any means including food/money/chores/super crazy early bedtimes…anyway, I am surprised I emerged and figured out this WAS NOT healthy! Rules are great, boundaries and chores and discipline in the home and parents in charge…that’s also healthy and amazing to have for kids, they need structure in some format. But, we were not allowed to get even a drink from the frig water dispenser without asking, without a parent coming to find out “who was getting something”, I was hungry a lot and there was no reason for it except my Mom’s disparate relationship with what she thought was skinny or looking good so we had very small meals and no seconds and never any snacks, anyway…there were things stolen from me that I paid for because I was expected to (and wanted! I mean, hey, to get out of the house? Yes!) have a full-time job at age 13 for summers, spring holidays, and Christmas. I channeled all of this to good things later, but I started to realize what was “normal” and what wasn’t, because it wasn’t apparent to anybody looking from the outside, unless they looked VERY carefully. Our home seemed loving and normal, but nope. My parents were not happy, they didn’t trust one another and let us know it, they tried to turn us against each other (my Mom, especially), they blamed each other, and then, as we started to win accolades in school or outside programs, they sought to take this credit for themselves, deflect from us, and put us down or make us feel guilty for making them chaperone or drive us anywhere…activities they had originally pushed us to do (church, Scouts, chorus, etc). Anyway, all this took so much time to filter and process, because when the family appears cool from the outside, appears loving and supportive, then when you are a young adult and you start to pull away very slightly, you feel guilty for doing it, thinking it’s your problem for not wanting to be a part of something so toxic.
    I think we all have to recognize what is unhealthy, and I was able to find my first article from Melanie, not from this site originally, a few years ago. That’s when I said, “A-ha, that’s me!” about those of us with a narcissistic parent or parents. I did break away, finally established healthy boundaries that were sane and loving, and I even forgive them…but I don’t let them too close, and I don’t let them into my life too often, in any way. They don’t respect anything I try to do for boundaries, because I was their source, of course, for this drama-filled, toxic behavior. Just like those who talk about a spouse or lover, it’s the same but with a parent, you think “I cannot do without this person” because at the start of your life, you CANNOT really do without them. It takes time, but fortunately I have had very little bad situations in personal relationships, including finding a husband. I have a great, supportive hubby and wonderful friends, but once I fixed the parental issues, I started to see the pattern in other friendships and when I stopped feeding those which had some similarities, those people faded away, too. Good riddance! Life is so much healthier and more peaceful now!!

    1. Wow! Good for you!
      Great explanation of the ridicule going on in your life when you were still so little! This is so hard to wrap your head around and you manged to figure it all out and make your life work so well, even with such a crappy start!
      Love to you and all of you having struggled or still do
      Thank you Mel for another great article โ™ฅ๏ธ

    2. It really sucks when a child is vulnerable to the whims of the parents considering the fact that people didn’t have a say in whether they wanted to be brought into this world.

  12. Well. I saw the red flags but my biological clock was ticking and I didn’t think I could do any better.

    Anyway – what a mess. It has taken me years to unravel it. If I got a “do over” I would have run at the very first indication the guy was a malignant narcissist. By run – I do mean geographical relocation – because with this dude that is what it took.

    You do amazing work. Thank you.

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