Today’s article is going to help empower you immensely, as I share with you the eight ways narcissists target your weaknesses to manipulate and punish you.
This article, absolutely, is for the individuals in our wonderful community who don’t just want to survive narcissistic abuse, but actually and utterly Thrive. In my humble opinion, there is only one way for any of us to be able to achieve that, and that is to deeply change our own Inner Being, so as to dramatically and spectacularly change our life.
That’s what Thriver Healing is all about.
What, I believe, is going to be beautiful about today’s article lesson, is that you will realise you can still be a decent, giving, caring person with an open heart, yet (and this is so important) you will understand how you may have been unconsciously handing power away and leaving yourself open to narcissistic predators, as well as continuing to sign up for this person to carry on punishing you.
How about we put an end to the suffering of narcissistic torment?
I know that if you want to break free, have an incredible life and Thrive that’s exactly what you want to achieve.
So, let’s get down to this deep, honest and incredibly powerful understanding of what’s really been going on, so that you can heal, up-level and start experiencing respectful, fulfilling, safe and truly loving relationships.
Number One – Not Wanting To Rock The Boat
This is probably the most obvious way that a narcissist can target you for manipulation.
I know that you may have been brought up to be a nice guy or girl, and thought that keeping the peace was the best way to live your life. I concur, I used to think like this too!
I remember years ago I heard somebody say, “if you try not to piss off other people, you are going to piss yourself off”.
How true! Going along with other people’s version of life, could easily mean the forgoing of your own values and truths. Especially when people don’t have your best interests at heart – which narcissists certainly don’t.
Trying to keep the peace means that you will say “yes” when you are really feeling “no”. Narcissists are very attuned to know who is going to be agreeable, whose boundaries they can push, and what they can get away with. People who are overly nice, who won’t speak up for themselves and lay boundaries make very easy targets for narcissists.
There is another very wise saying, “Whatever you accept is what you will get”.
This is why being dedicated to the development of your ability to be able to identify your values and truths, speak up and lay solid boundaries is not just essential for a great life, it’s the only actual defence you have to not be abused.
We will talk about how to do this later in this article!
Number Two – Not Doing Due Diligence
Just as wanting to keep the peace can be dire in regard to being drawn into a relationship with a narcissist, so can (I want to be really straight with you here) being too distracted, busy or lazy to do your due diligence.
Or choosing to believe only the narcissist’s version of things, because being open to “another dialogue” would be uncomfortable for you, and maybe not deliver the version of things that you want to be the truth.
All of us, at the beginning stages with a narcissist, had our doubts. There was something that he or she said, or did, or stories that didn’t match up, or someone from the past that came forward to warn us. Or maybe it was just a weird “off feeling” that we experienced.
For most of us, absolutely something showed up to warn us. I had it happen in both narcissistic relationships. Massive neon lights. But I dismissed them, I didn’t question, investigate or do the research in regard to the “where there is smoke there could be fire” evidence.
Which, in nearly every case, turned out to be true.
After undergoing my deep inner Thriver development, the only time that I have been taken in by a narcissist, was when I was too busy, tired or quite frankly lazy to follow up on my gut feelings that something wasn’t right.
I only walked into a trap when I didn’t do the necessary due diligence to honour myself.
In regard to my intimate narcissistic relationships, refusing to have Emotional and Intellectual Integrity (listen to my gut, investigate and be open to alternative information) nearly cost me my life.
This is something as Thrivers we all need to wake up to, and be prepared to do.
If the person standing in front of you has integrity and is a good person, they would expect you to exercise your human right to do your due diligence, and would have absolutely nothing to fear or cover up.
It’s only people who have something to hide who do NOT welcome and participate in healthy open debate – which is the search for the truth.
Number Three – Bypassing The Healing Of Your Wounds
The third way that a narcissist can target you to manipulate as well as cruelly punish you, is if you have not done the inner work to heal your own wounds.
I want you to think of the narcissistic individual as you would a predator in the wild – who looks for a wounded animal at the edge of the pack, because this is the easiest one for the lion to take down.
Many people believe that narcissists go after empowered, shining, emotionally healthy people. When I was stuck in my victimhood I used to completely and utterly have this belief as well. It wasn’t until deeply going inwards to heal my wounds, as well as being connected to thousands of people over the last 10+ years helping them recover from narcissistic abuse, that I knew an absolute and deeper truth.
This … narcissistic people match our unhealed wounds. They are the deliverer of more of these wounds. They work out very quickly what our wounds are and then profess to be the saviour of them, which they are not. They are in fact the messenger of them, in more brutal ways that maybe we have ever experienced.
Narcissist are very good at getting you to trust them quickly, they act attentive and caring and supremely interested in your life. If you were to share with them the trauma of being cheated on, or abandoned or financially abused by somebody in the past, then all they have to do is look you deeply in the eyes and tell you how honest and caring they are and how they would never do that to anybody, let alone you.
A deep unhealthy dependency bonding occurs when we believe that somebody is the saviour of our wounds. Then, as time goes on, we discover that this person starts delivering more of our unhealed wounds. It could be the infidelity that still haunts us from the past. Or, feeling disrespected, abused, invalidated, abandoned or even annihilated. More of the same unhealed wounds that we had from our past.
It’s not until you detach from deep intimate personal relationships, and heal the deep intimate relationship with self (which means releasing and reprogramming the trauma that is still affecting you) that you will become your own saviour and stop seeking other people to rescue you from the pain, who ironically only bring you more of it.
Number Four – Connecting To Someone To Get Your Life
Narcissists are so good at hijacking and monopolising your life, especially if you don’t have much of a life.
Many of us have had the belief that we may be nothing without someone else, and haven’t yet loved being in our own bodies and being in life and having the confidence and power to explore, expand and create a life for ourselves.
It’s so important, in regard to potential predators, to have a beautiful and full life that is established. You don’t just drop everything for any person that comes along. You always honour your truth, values and interests. You get to know people over a period of time, to assess their character and who this person really is before opening up your bed, body, Soul, and home to them. (Remember how important it is to do the due diligence?)
If you are feeling empty and lonely it’s very easy for a narcissist to target you and start providing you with some “glitzy amazing life”, or “energy” or “relief from the painful loneliness” that you never want to live without again. So when the abuse starts, you may sacrifice your Soul to stay connected to this person.
I cannot emphasise enough how important it is to heal up and date yourself and mate your own Soul, before considering being in a relationship with anybody else. The most successful and healthy relationships are always people getting together to share their already established wholeness.
Number Five – The Fears Of C.R.A.P.
This one is a deeper look into “wanting to keep the peace”.
The fears of Criticism, Rejection, Abandonment and Punishment are hangovers from our unhealed childhood. As little children we went along with others, to avoid these painful feelings and confrontations, and didn’t know how to live our life according to what was true for our own Soul.
This not only leads to a difficulty in laying boundaries, and being able to “lose it all to get it all” (which is discussed later in this article), but also means that you could be prone to lecturing and prescribing, trying to change somebody else’s mind about you, rather than having your own mind about you, regardless of what somebody else thinks, says or does.
As a result of Thriver Healing, it is such a relief when you no longer have to engage with somebody else’s abusive and insane behaviour and can just pull away knowing the truth about you, and that they are simply not a match for you.
The fears of C.R.A.P. create awful trauma bonds with exactly the people who do criticise, reject, abandon and punish … namely narcissists.
What you fear, and what is still an unhealed trauma within you, is exactly what keeps coming, because you haven’t graduated beyond this yet.
(This will come into closer focus further on in this article!)
Number Six – Needing Accountability And Reform
Boy, this is big! It used to hook me in so hard, and was one of the deepest things that I had to work on to free myself, and I know it is a huge one for many others as well.
Really this comes from the unhealed belief, “I have to fix you in order for me to be safe”.
Maybe for some people in this community, as a child this was absolutely the truth, because there were no other options. However, as an adult, there certainly are.
You can’t change insanity into sanity.
You can’t make somebody who does not have either the desire or the capacity to “get it” to even admit that they need to reform, let alone commit to doing so.
Narcissists love it if you stay hooked to them, because it hands them A-grade narcissistic supply – meaning your intense emotional attention. To the narcissist this means, “I must be so significant and superior because I can affect you so dramatically”.
It also gives the narcissist a perfect opportunity to line you up and deliver malicious blows to your Soul, at exactly the place that is going to hurt you the most.
“How dare you try to change me!” is the narcissist’s credo.
That part is right – you have no power and not even any right to try and change somebody else. What is needed is for you to deeply change yourself, to be able to let go, get away, HEAL, recover your Soul and never participate in such madness again.
Number Seven – Not Holding Boundaries
Many of us before Thriver Recovery had very little knowledge about healthy boundaries, let alone how to place them and hold them.
I personally, not unlike many of you, used to believe that my boundary meant speaking up and telling somebody how I felt.
Please know that is only the very bare beginning of a boundary!
When placing a boundary in ONLY that way, we hope that somebody hears us, validates us and gets the boundary.
Boundaries never go that way with a narcissist. This kind of attempt of a boundary with a narcissist will just get thrown back in your face, twisted into a three-ring circus and you will feel even more invalidated and abused than before you spoke up.
This is why many people believe that boundaries don’t work with narcissist.
I can assure you that they do! But, you need to understand what a true boundary is. Nobody needs to get your boundary, only you need to get it.
Words are cheap whereas a true boundary is backed up by action. A true boundary is you stating your values and truths, and what you will and won’t accept. Then walking the truth of that statement.
The true boundary is something like, “I will only accept honesty, truth, solution building and kindness in my life. If that’s not what you want, that’s okay, but we are no longer a match”.
And then if you get twists, turns, ridiculousness, things brought up from the past or insults (or any of the other numerous defence mechanisms that a narcissist has in their bag of tricks) then you have your answer.
What does this mean for you?
You’re done, you need to separate. You need to heal so that you stay away, hold your boundary and MEAN it. And if you don’t, then the real truth is you are only abusing yourself.
Maybe you want to do modified contact with a narcissistic family member? You can let them know in an email what you will accept and what you won’t accept, and if they do what you won’t accept, then you will leave the premises or hang up on them.
Of course they won’t agree with your boundary!
At the next family gathering you exercise your right to live your truth, regardless of what they are doing. I promise you I know of many a narcissistic family member who learned (just as a small child or an animal would) what they can and can’t get away with when Thrivers set their boundaries. At this point the toxic family member often stops their terrible behaviour.
Naturally working your way up to powerful boundary setting can take a lot of inner personal development and healing – and it is so worth it!
Number Eight – Not Being Willing To Lose It All To Get It All
Your life is shaped by a series of choices, and sometimes to shape your life healthily, you have to make some very hard choices.
Please know whatever you choose is whatever will be in your life. If you choose to stay, if you choose to continue. If you choose to try to fix. If you choose to hope for some miracle to come along to change things for you, such as to have God / Source / Creation intervene … Then you are not being the powerful Creator of your own life – which HAS to be your job.
God / Source / Creation helps those who help themselves, and this all comes down to YOUR choices.
Whenever you decide, “This is not a match for me and it’s not my truth, and I am no longer choosing or participating in that” then you send out a massive message to the infinite universal store of resources, who can then start to generate and create for you what is a match for you.
For all of us to Thrive, means letting go of the old life to make way for what is your truth, and then no longer choosing crumbs and trying to turn them into cookies.
This time, when you get it right within yourself, you know that you are full, confident and strong enough to hold out for the whole cake.
You also know that if what you think is “a cake” starts to crumble in front of your eyes and turns into a crummy reality, that you will let go and walk away – because it is NOT your truth.
Narcissists love to hang on to and mess with people who are not willing to lose it all to get it all. And of course, initially this is so hard to do, when you are trauma bonded, and stripped of your self-esteem, and stand to lose everything that you thought was your life.
Really, the ability to lose it all to get it all means this, “I choose me over you. I choose life over you, and I will not waver.” When you reach this level of development just wait and see how your life forms to nourish and flourish in ways that you couldn’t even imagine.
Powerfully.
Quickly.
In Conclusion
I hope that this article has been insightful for you. I know that everything I’m saying here is so much easier said than done, yet the experience of narcissistic abuse pushes us to new and higher levels of development.
Not just because we would like to have more confidence and power, but really and quite frankly because if we don’t, we can’t escape the trauma, the terrible symptoms of abuse and the feelings of powerlessness and helplessness that ensure that we stay victimised and abused.
History has proven over and over again with incredible people, that they didn’t just wake up one morning into magnificence. They were granted the grist, as a painful life, that was needed for them to claim and actualise their incredible evolutions.
I know that the same opportunity is there for you too.
If you know that rising out of fear and pain and into your power and truth is something that you dearly want, I’m inviting you to take on this journey, with me holding your hand and heart, just as myself and thousands of other Thrivers have.
By learning how to identify your values, trust what you are feeling, show up with boundaries, release the traumas and the programs that were keeping you hooked in, you will gain the confidence, wellbeing and Life Force to love you, your life and know how to safely and healthily generate new fulfilling relationships.
As well as learn how to improve many of your existing ones!
I so hope you can feel how passionate I am about this stuff!
Does this article resonate with you? Can you see how the narcissist could get in and abuse you? Have you already been working on shoring these eight things up?
I am so looking forward to answering your comments and questions below …
All exactly true Melanie ..thank you so much for your dedication to your thriver community !
Hi Bunny,
I’m so pleased that this resonated with you!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Thank you Melanie, for getting back to the recipe, when I was feeling crumbly. Julie
That’s great Julie!
Much Love
Mel 🙏💕💚
Your message is so true and fits my situation so accurately. I was blindsided by a narcissist who I have known for 50 years as a friend and who said he loved me. I stayed in the relationship for 6 1/2 years and being unknowingly trauma bonded. I have recently let him go for good and I thank you for helping me learn to love myself, again!
Hi Melanie,
How true especially that we are given signs that all is not right but we choose to ignore them, very much at our peril.
I remember about 2 weeks before our marriage he made some sort of comment and I almost said “well forget it” BUT the money had ben spent and the plans had been made so I backed down and spent 42 years ducking and diving and trying not to end up dead, at least I managed that one.
The only redeeming part is that I left him and he married someone just like himself… KARMA! I knew that if I didn’t get out I would be lucky to survive and even though he didn’t physically abuse me what he did was far worse, and as I came from a physically abusive life he knew exactly how to get me.
Early in the marriage when I threatened to go he used those blood curdling words that keep so many people… especially women… trapped “wherever you go I’ll find you” they don’t have to say anything else, your perception of what will happen does the rest particularly if you have children, then the circus begins in real earnest.
By the time I left I had done as much work on myself as was available at that time but there was a lot of left over anger at how much of my life he had stolen from me, how much of my money went through his hands especially when the kids and myself could barely afford to live and all the other emotional scars but I was free of him to some degree and so I worked with that as best I could.
About two and a half years ago I discovered Melanie and my life changed even more, and I may not live in a palace physically but mentally I’m so close I hardly recognize my life with him and when I see him at family functions I only speak when he sidles up to me to say “Hello Maureen” and I say hello back and move on… drives him nuts… KARMA!
So to all of you if I can get out of that hell hole so can you when you use what’s given to you for a clean sweep of your Inner Being and your Soul, start sweeping.
Oh Maureen,
Wow – 42 years!
You are a true inspiration – thank you for being a beacon of light to others
Mel 🙏💕💚
thank you for your inspiration and encouraging words im going through the abuse/Trauma right now as ws speak and im scared and nervous’ im actually crying right now 😢 I jus dont know what to do
Thank you for this article. You speak the truth!!
I appreciate you educating those of us who need this.
Thank you Marie,
Your words are much appreciated!
Mel 🙏💕💚
Melanie, could you please address the issue about some people believing that marriage is “forever” and that since they got married to the narcissist that they are required to stay with them for life no matter what. I have a friend who has repeatedly said that failure is not an option in regards to his toxic marriage even though it is destroying him. I also had that thought with my first husband, who was a narcissist, though I escaped when he almost killed me. I think you talking about this issue would be very helpful for a lot of people. Thank you.
Hi Ani,
many of us had this – it is a belief.
It nearly took me to my grave too.
Like all beliefs that don’t serve us, we can change them.
That’s the same as every belief that has held us into handing power and our souls away.
When you heal with NARP http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/narp , that and other limiting beliefs just vanish.
Mel 🙏💕💚
Someone once said that we hang ourselves by our own principles. We put them around our own necks like jewelry, when in reality they are a noose. Meanwhile we show off what “highly principled” and “moral” people we are. I was grateful to learn that those precious marriage vows no longer apply when you discover the other person is too mentally ill, or an addict, or whatever, to have legally/ethically made such a vow in the first place and therefore we are free to go. You cannot make a legitimate promise to someone fundamentally dysfunctional, deceptive, and toxic. We have to let go of our high-horse “I’m-so-nice-I-can’t-break-my-vow” b.s. in order to see how we too are part of our own problem. We are victims of our own shining armor. And narcs know this.
Hi Weena,
I LOVE this observation. Thank you for saying it. I hope you bravely speak this truth whenever the opportunity comes to you. I certainly will on my end.
I love how you have seen through a major lie we have told ourselves collectively and I love how you have stated the exactly correct and legitimate key for allowing ourselves out of the prison and web and snare of our own vows.
You are so right. We are not being unfaithful to anyone by backing out of a ‘contract’ where one party was not really signing on. Their failure voided the agreement and we are free to be free.
Glad to know you are on the planet speaking the truth that is healing the world from its faulty beliefs and practices.
So true Weena!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Thanks for this Melanie. All so true. Work has started but in no way finished for me. 🙏Boundaries are so difficult for fear of C R A P. My question is, if I manage to set up strong boundaries and heal inner trauma would someone with narcisstic traits react differently to me? You talk about improving existing relationships and narcissist family members stopping their terrible behaviour when they realise it wont work. Is it possible then to stay in a relationship with a narcissist? Or woukd they still have trouble loving us for us.? 💕Much love thrivers
Hi Hel,
it’s my pleasure.
This is such a great question.
It is possible to have a Modified Contact relationship with a narcissist, in that you don’t expect anything emotionally fulfilling – (there isn’t the capacity) and you have a reduced lower grade relationship, that is pretty benign and unconnected, where you only stay present for what you will accept and exit the scene if what you won’t accept (abuse and narcissistic shenanigans) comes forth.
This is the only way you will be safe, and the real truth is, this is not a “relationship”.
You will never change them. I would recommend just staying away and having a great life personally – if possible – unless it was (as an example) a family member you only have to see on some occasions. Healthy Modified Contact, without offering up a “gap” for them to abuse through, is not sustainable for anything else.
I hope that this makes sense
Mel 🙏💕💚
Dear Melanie,
Not only this, but all articles you write resonate with me. I feel so lucky and grateful since I discovered your site and programs -it has been my “reward” for all my “why this” – “why that” questions I have been asking for 20 years. What I always find amazing is how similar all narcs are. Better so- you can catch them all with a “NARP”! It is such a great pleasure to receive a new post from you, like a letter from a best friend. Thank you for sharing your experience with this wonderful community. Thank you for the push to thrive and the positive energy -you show the way. I am not there yet but finally it feels I am on the right track!
With respect, love and admiration, A
Hi Anna,
Thank you for you beautiful words Sister!
I feel you and so much love to you!
That’s wonderful that you are breaking through…
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Do you think that narcissists get worse as they get older? I have been with my partner since he was thirty, he is now sixty five. He slowly went from completely adoring me to lying and cheating behind my back, and blames me and other people for everything that has gone wrong. He will not take responsibility for his actions, its appalling, I felt so stunned by this that I had panic attacks, got light headed, was gas lighted and more. I think when you get to the lowest you can go, the only way is to crawl your way back to some sort of sanity, but I feel that we as human beings are just not equipped with dealing with this abusive behaviour. To me the only thing that has saved me was reading ALL Melanie’s posts, and sticking to no contact whatsoever, to feel whole again.
Hi Pamela,
I absolutely believe that they get worse with age.
Sending you strength and love to stay No Contact and heal.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Pamela,
Melanie’s wisdom and guidance do truly pave a path to feel whole again. Melanie’s way of compassionate teaching makes repentance doable for so many people over a broad spectrum. But make no mistake, NARP is a way to change the lies we have been telling ourselves.
NARP helps by bringing the lies to the light of the ultimate TRUTH and dissolving them. We then find our original Self whole – with ALL.
Nobody can lie to us -only we to ourselves. The usual belief of expecting others to accept responsibility for how we feel is self delusion.
Narcissist chose people as deceptive as they are. The difference is that their ‘victims’ lie to themselves not to others. With NARP healing, there is the opportunity after NARC abuse to wake up and stop lying to ourselves. We learn to find and cherish our truth and we are truly free FROM SELF DECEPTION as well as from Narc abuse.
Stay on the NARP path honestly and you will see how deeply grateful you will feel for all the tears and the depth of liberty they afforded you because you came to wholeness.
All the best –
Awesome Accurate and Life Changing. Thank You Thank You
It’s my pleasure Jewel Marie,
Much love to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
All I can say is WOW! I’ve been living this for 58 years with my family members especially my mom. It’s like a learned behavior and you don’t know that it’s abnormal until you see it somewhere or read about it like I am with you. I’ve been dealing with depression, suicidal ideation anxiety, abuse emotionally physically and just want to thank you oh, because I thought I was losing my mind. Here I am an adult at 58 years old and feel like a child constantly crying and wondering what I did wrong. Always been told I’m the one that is mental. The memories I have of things are false. Always looking for validation, questioning my sanity. Thank you
Hi Maria,
I’m so pleased thst this helped bring you clarity and supported you.
Much love
Mel 🙏💞🦋
You are such a blessing. I hope and pray young women digest every word. I also hope they see everything clearly before producing children and giving up their careers.
Hi Roz,
I agree the answer is in healing and empowerment and self-love … then imparting that to our children.
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Dear Melanie,
This article resonated with me deeply. I’ve only just discovered your site and I finally feel a sense of hope seeing the programs you offer. I’m still currently stuck in my situation but I am now completely aware of the need to leave in order to find my true self and happiness. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself to heal and be strong enough to set boundaries. I’ve been guilty of ignoring the signs – the all too frequent comments that strike a painful nerve and tilt your balance momentarily and the roller coaster of love bombing and cruelty and hurt. I want to get off now. I’ve held so much inside that I’m now suffering fibromyalgia which I truly believe is my physical body telling me it’s had enough of the torture and stress of being married to a narcissist. Thank you for shining a light for me and helping me to stop lying to myself and ignoring the truth. My truth. I know I have quite a journey ahead of me but I’m on the right track now and I see the light ahead. Thank you so much for opening my eyes to the work that I need to do. Getting away isn’t enough. This is my second marriage to a narcissist so I clearly didn’t heal myself the first time and made the same mistakes. I don’t want to waste any more of my life like this. I’m looking forward to joining your program and finally healing.
Hi Tanya,
That’s great that you csn feel a light at the end of this tunnel, there truly is!
I love your level of wisdom and awareness.
You are so ready to heal!
Love and blessibgs to you
Mel 🙏💞🦋
For all of us to Thrive, means letting go of the old life to make way for what is your truth, and then no longer choosing crumbs and trying to turn them into cookies
This resonated deeply.
Awesome Joy!
The truth sets us free!
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Hi Melanie!
NARP has helped me to understand, with more clarity and purpose, the true value of inner work, something that I’ve too often neglected, as I struggled with a very difficult marriage. Finding and re-discovering that focus has been pivotal….
Without NARP, I know I would not be where I am, NOW. This blog, as are the modules and everything available in NARP, continue to give me the reassurance that I’m doing the right thing and that I’m hopefully going in the right direction.
Thank you so very much, Melanie! ❤️🦋❤️
Melanie…you are a life saviour for me. Exactly when I was loosing it all…I came across one of your Igtv video and then checked your page. Everything that you have explained about a narcissist fits the description of my love partner. And till date I was thinking I am not enough…or just ways to make it work. I really can’t thankyou enough….love you..
I’m so pleased that my information can help you Dimple!
Sending you love and healing
Mel 🙏💞🦋
Take the reins of yourself and tell yourself nonsense about privilege and money and material items. Be honest with yourself at how you’re part of the Christ dude fanatic club and just another fan girl causing problems that didn’t exist and trying to buy your way to “heaven.” That’s what the narcissist needs to be told.